The Dr. John Delony Show - He Cusses at Me in Front of Our Child

Episode Date: December 13, 2023

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Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. What can I do about my husband that degrades, belittles me, and cusses me out? Specifically to me, but also in front of my four-year-old daughter. Get out. I've been really nervous because it wasn't an easy question to ask. And I appreciate you saying that. I'm both sorry and not sorry that I've got such a visceral response. What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, and I'm about 750 milligrams of

caffeine into today, and we're happy to have you. On this show, we talk about your mental health, clearly not your metabolic health, because I am pretty juiced to the gills today. But we talk about your mental health and your emotional health and your marriage and your kids and whatever you got going on in your life. We got a studio audience out here and there's a beautiful little girl waving. Good to see you. On today's show, we're going to talk about any number of things and I really never know what's coming because Today the show's made up of callers just like you moms dads brothers sisters grandparents kids Going through life doing life in real time struggling with real stuff

If you want to be a caller on the show you want to call in? Um, you are going to be having a private conversation in front of millions of people But if you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And when does this episode come out? 21st? The 13th.

13th. Oh, because it says publish date 13th? Yeah. Maybe it's time you learn the lingo. You guys and your numbers back there. I know. All of our fancy lingo. All right.

If they haven't sold out by the time this show airs, which they may have, if they haven't sold out, questions for humans are out. The Christmas deck sells out every year. But we're going to do a couple right now. Yes. Let's party. All right. Are the holidays more magical or more stressful for you?

Oh, man. You go first. Yes. I think that's the answer. Yes. They're stressful. How much is stress? Is it self-imposed?

And how much of it is? 99.9% of it is self-imposed. Because if we're talking Christmas, we don't travel. I follow my parents' rule, which was my kids spend every Christmas in our home. If you want to come visit, great, you're welcome. But I spent every Christmas in my home growing up and our kids have done the same. So we don't even travel. Any stress is self-imposed by me of, we have to do all of these things. We have to do the cookies and there has to be this and has to be this. And because I'm a bit of a control freak—

Stop it. Really? I know. Everything has to be just right. I've learned to let a lot of that go over the past few years to make it less stressful. You saw Frozen 1, and you're like, that's a great idea. Yeah, that's exactly how that went. But a lot of that is self-imposed. So why, on behalf of people everywhere, why do you do that to yourself?

I think it's a... I'm big on traditions. And this is the ones my family has. So this is the ones we're going to do. And trying to bring Roberts in. We have to do all of the things because we only do them, you know, all the different things

because we only do them once a year. And then, you know, last year life blew up on Christmas Eve. And I was like, oh, clearly we're not doing anything. So this year there's a lot of those things. We're like, we're letting those go. Huh. So I, man, it's not a fair question for me to answer because I think that I traffic in magic with most of my life.

And my wife traffics in reality. And so I can imagine we have very different answers to this, that it's more stressful because there's packing and traveling and I tend to not so much live in reality sometimes. I've never seen that. I know. We'll just get there when we get there. We'll have tons of fun. Um, not so much live in reality sometimes. I've never seen that. I know. I know. Um, we'll just get there when we get there.

We'll have tons of fun. And if we don't have a hotel, it's fine. Let's figure it out when we get there. Yeah. If we have not had a family adventure, we all slept in the car yet in another state. Right. So, um, for me, it's just all magic. And for, I think for my wife and those who orbit me, it maybe is not quite so magical. And so I think that's where and those who orbit me, it maybe is not quite so magical.

And so I think that's where the balance happens, right? I try to take on some stress and I think I try to give some, provide magic. We do a couple of different experiences now. Like there's a light thing here at our zoo does this light thing. This is amazing. And so we've started doing more of those things. And that's one reason we decorate a little earlier. And it's just so that when we come back from Thanksgiving, it's not like go, go, go. It's like, no way we're going to back it up a week. And then we could just kind of ease

into it. And that, that helps a lot with me, but I'm also to the family. Hey y'all let's back that thing up. Cause if you did, that'd be incredible. Actually, I probably would. All right. Let's do another one. All right. Hold on. I think a good thing going forward is if you answer that question, it's just pure magic. You're probably not helping around the house enough. Right.

It's stressful for somebody. Yes. And if you're like, it's so stressful, I want to challenge you to ask yourself what are ways you could make it not so stressful. What you can let go of. Yes. Yeah. And not hold back anymore.

Right. Just let it go. Because whatever you're making stressful is pretty much in your own mind. I often think that. And if people are adding stress, it may be the season two. Cut them out.

Yeah. I was going to do the same thing with hand motions, but I decided not to. Okay, what's another one? All right. This is an easy one for me. Which Christmas song, and I know your answer too, would you pay $67 to never hear again? I would pay $670 to never hear Little Drummer Boy. Little Drummer Boy for you. Yeah. You hate

that song. You know why? Because the Antichrist wrote it. As he fell from heaven down to the pits of hell, he was like, I've got one more curse to leave humanity. Okay, what about the Bing Crosby, David Bowie? Will shaking his head. You're literally the best guitarist

I know in person. And the song is played with a snare drum. What about the Bing Crosby, David Bowie version? Everybody keeps sending me that.

Oh my God, it's so good. That is like shining up a like a car Without it That doesn't run anymore With dog cha-cha It's just like

You can't polish that thing up man It's so good Love that one If Maybe if like Pantera Did like a staccato Like Then I could get behind it

Maybe Maybe Maybe I just Anybody's like guys Imagine Will Somebody rolls into band practice Like, I got a new tune. No drums, no bass, just snare.

And everyone's like, oh, yeah, let's let it rip. Come on. Anyway. Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum. Me and my bum, my drum. Go ahead. What about you? Mary, did you know?

Oh, yeah, you hate Mary. No, she knew it's in the Bible. The angel told her. It's a whole thing. He came and told her. Yes, she knew. We know that. I just annoys the ever living crap out of me. But some, I've seen it on the internet. People get pregnant. They're like, I had no idea. Yes, because an angel didn't come down from heaven and tell them what happened. And you're giving birth to the son of God.

I mean, it's, yeah, she knew. Hey-o. Pa rum pa pum pum. If that song had just a mashup. Yes. No. 100%. My son does stuff like that.

He does music stuff. I'm going to have him work on this. He needs to bring the thunder on that one. Yeah. Snare only. No, nothing with a melody in it. It's just Mary, did you know? Over and over.

Mary, did you know? And nothing. I've seen that on the internet. Nothing says, Oh, that guy's going to grow up to be a man that a woman just gave birth. And a little boy's like, Oh,

I know what she needs. Hitting the drum. Really? That's by the way, as you know, when you, any new moms in your life, that's not what they need.

Nope. They don't need a new drum. Casseroles clean the house. Come hold the baby so they can sleep. They do not need a drum solo let's go down the road to row ads to talk to Nikki in Knoxville Tennessee what's up Nikki hey how are you I mean literally couldn't be better that's probably a little bit of exaggeration but I'm doing great how about you I'm doing good. Now, Mary, did you know, is never going to be the same to me again.

Because she knew, right? Yeah, right. And I never thought of it that way. So now, CeeLo's version was one of my favorites. Not anymore. Okay. All right. I can just get us derailed.

All right, go for it. So what's up? So how can I, what can I do about my husband that degrades, belittles me and cusses me out specifically to me, but also in front of my four-year-old daughter? Get out. Yeah, I know. It was a really, I've been really nervous because it wasn't an easy question to ask. Yeah. And I appreciate you saying that. And I'm both sorry and not sorry that I've got such a visceral response to that.

That is either he goes or you go. And since there's a little one, it's best if he goes. And you all need to take a 30-day separation. Is this pervasive? Does this happen all the time? Not all of the time. I feel like it'll be like a month. That's really good.

Maybe up till two months. And then it will just, then it will happen. And then it will be a week of not talking him, giving me the silent treatment. Um, it always gets flipped to like, it's my fault, you know, or of course it does. Cause you acted that way. If you didn't do this. Yeah. Cause he married a seven-year-old.

I literally had that conversation with my seven-year-old the other day when she was like, her brother, he made me. And I stopped and said, no, he didn't. No, he didn't. Yep. Your feelings feel big and it feels like you can't control them.

And that's what my job is, is to teach you and help you and walk alongside you. But he didn't make you do anything. He didn't make you hit him. He didn't make you, right? And you're made to a seven-year-old in a humongous male body that is such a coward. He decides to yell and scream at his wife in front of his child. Yeah. I mean, that's the height of cowardice. The only, the only step further is to hit somebody in that situation. Has he ever been violent with you? No, he hasn't been violent.

Luckily, the two things I always said is I can never imagine him cheating or laying hands on me. You couldn't have imagined him talking to you this way either. Yeah, that's true. What in the world sets him off? Honestly, I feel like it could be, I mean, it could be any number of things. Even something as little, like last week where in my field of work, there's certain times where I have to train people and I'll be gone a little bit more often. And keep in mind, like I'm the breadwinner.

I have to, you know? And so, and I'll tell him, like, and I know he's going to get mad, so I have to gear up to it. Like, listen, this week I'm going to work five days instead of my normal three or four. So, like, be prepared, you know? Why in the world would he get mad? I promise I'm not raising my voice at you. I would hug you if you're here. I know, I know.

Why in the world, when you're the breadwinner, does he get mad, A, when you're going to serve somebody and teach them and train them, and B, you're going to make more money? Why? Is it cut into his video game time? Right. Yeah, it's, well, that's the thing that I have such a hard time with because it'll be like before when I wasn't training people, he's like, you're not working to your full capacity. You do so good at training people. I don't know why you do or why you don't. And then I do. And it's, it's only you, you just prioritize your job. Your job's only when that's important. I have to

be the one to take care of the daughter and all that, you know, it's, so I feel like no matter what I do, it's wrong. There you go. You know why? Cause he's moving the, he's moving the finish line because this has zero to do with you. This has to do with whatever he's going through or working through. He's unwilling to do it, unable to do it, whatever. I don't care. What I'm looking at is the resulting behavior. And the resulting behavior is you live with a seven-year-old in the body of a grown man. And he doesn't get to talk to you that way.

He doesn't get to talk that way in front of your kid. Yeah. Who is this guy? I don't know his name, but tell me about him. What makes him so great and wonderful that he can just spit on his wife like this? I, well, I don't know. He's a big, muscular dude.

He takes a lot of pride in his fitness. I mean, I guess when I listen to your podcast, you'd probably describe him as self-righteous. When I describe him this way, he always acts like he's super busy, but really doesn't have a whole lot to do. Or, um, I don't know. He's, he's always has to be the leader. He always prides himself on being such a man, but then he treats me like this and it's like, well, you want to pride yourself on being a man, then act like one. It's one of the least masculine things a man can do is to treat those. He has been charged and not only charged, but committed.

He opted in to this relationship with you. He opted into parenthood by sleeping with you. And to those you have opted in to love and honor and take care of the least masculine thing you can do is use them to wipe your boots off to use to do anything other than be out in the marketplace trying to make your community better earn a living for your family sure go to the gym the gym. That's an important part of it. But I did my gym work this morning and I worked out hard before anybody was up. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And there's like a few other pieces to it too where I'm like, man, I kept thinking if maybe if he just does one, this one thing,

it'll be better. This thing, like he's been seeing a counselor now for a year and a half. We did marital counseling for a year. He, he runs a men's ministry. Oh, good God. It's things like that where I'm like, man, like, he's the last person that should be running a ministry for men. And that's my thing. But if I ever said that, of course, I would be like, it would be insane.

If you ever said, hey, your behavior at home and the way you treat me and our daughter doesn't align with the lessons you're teaching these men, he would respond by cursing and yelling and he would exactly roll into what you said. I've probably let it slip before, to be honest, you know, there's like a thing. Oh, I have said before, I wish that some of the guys from your group could see the way that you speak to me because I wouldn't be attending anymore, you know, and what's his response to that? His typical responses? Well, he'll either go to the most extreme and say something like, I'm going to, how about I be,

how about I actually start to be a terrible husband? So you could see what it's like to have a hard life or, or you're such a victim. You always have a victim mentality. And all right, so here's, here's the path. Okay. i can't make you do what i'm about to say and i've only got to talk to you for a few minutes and so i don't even know if it's the right thing but based on what you've told me if you were my sister or you were my like one of my close friends if you were a female co-worker of mine and you said what you've just told me i would say you're right. I'm done being a victim.

Nobody in the world, especially the one guy that got on the knee before me and God and our families and said, I will defend and protect and love and care for you. Especially him. But nobody gets to yell and scream and curse at me. Nobody gets to belittle me, especially in front of our daughter. Nobody gets to teach my daughter

that this is what love and commitment and fidelity in marriage looks like, period. And if it happens to be the person I married, I'm done being a victim. I make the money in this house. I raised a kid in this house. Behavior is a language. You are asking me with all of your big muscles for me to leave.

And I hear you loud and clear. So then the other caveat to that is we moved two and a half years ago across the country. So it's like, then I consider like, well, where would I go? What would I do? I could drive back to my family's house, then I leave my business and everything behind. It's the logistics part that's obviously the scary part. And then of course, when there's things are good, they're really good.

We have a lot of fun. We have the same interests. Yeah, but you never exhale in your own home, Nikki. You never fully exhale in your own home. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, like walking on eggshells. Always. And when it's good, you're performing.

You're singing and dancing. And he happens to like your song on that day. Yeah, that's really true. Yeah. Like, as long as I behave it. That's the kind of way it is. As long as I'm what he wants, he's happy. Man.

Here's the deal. There is no easy path forward for you. Period. Every step forward is going to be hard because you're married to somebody that doesn't honor, doesn't love, and doesn't care for you. Period. So every step forward is going to be hard. Being a single mom, I can't even wrap my head around how hard that would be. Having to start a business back at home where I've got family resources would be unimaginably hard.

And you've proven to yourself that you can take care of your daughter's needs pretty much by yourself. Maybe even in spite of your husband, you've proven to yourself, you can move to a new community and make, be the breadwinner of a family in just a couple of years. Yeah. Or staying in the middle of this mess. That's going to be hard too. And I can't make that call for you. Yeah. That's a good,

good perspective. There's no, there's no path forward. That's not really challenging. So I'm going to tell you the same thing. I, I, you got to choose your heart.

You got to choose your challenge here. My hope is that you choose the challenge that leads to you being free, to you being honored and respected, to you being able to show your daughter what strength and respect and resilience and love and character looks like. That's my hope,

but I can't make you do that. Yeah. Anytime I have something very very hard to do A hard choice to make I always go to My identity first and then I reverse engineer it. Here's who i'm gonna be I'm gonna be a guy that can tell the truth. I'm gonna be a guy that Takes care of himself, whatever the thing is And then I have to reverse engineer the hard things. All right, if I'm a guy that

is a good steward of his body, the one body God gave me, and I've got kids, and I got a marriage, and I got work that's 24-7, 365, that means I got to work out at 4 o'clock in the morning sometimes. That means I got to work out at 5.30. That means today I had to cut it quick,

and that meant when I was cutting it quick, I had to go real hard. I'm going to reverse engineer the stuff from my identity, the person I'm going to become. Yeah. That's a good way to put it. I feel

like the hardest part is when it would be easy if it was always bad. Or like my daughter's obsessed with her dad. She loves him so much. That's the hard. I know you're right. Can I tell you something crazy, Nikki? Can I tell you something crazy?

Tell me. Yeah, tell me. I've mentioned this on the show before, but it was like a lightning bolt in my soul. When I was working with a, um, one of my practicum supervisors was a guy who worked with abused children. And I remember leaving one of the sessions one day or a conversation we were having. And I said, well, that kid's going to be okay. And he looked at me and said, Hey, John, straight A's can be a trauma response too. Oh, wow. And you have fight and you have fight and you have flee. And there's a fourth one that is less common, less talked about.

There's fight, fight, flee, and fawn. I'm going to nuzzle up so close that maybe they won't get me there. I'm going to be extra sexual. I'm going to be extra close. I'm going to be extra nuzzly. I'm going to be extra tender. Because like in boxing, sometimes the safest place to be to someone who hits really hard is close as humanly possible to them. Yeah. And so just because a kid

nuzzles up to their dad doesn't mean that, oh, she sees how wonderful he is. No, she may innately know the safest place is real, real close. That's true, because especially after he'll yell or whatever,

that's the other thing that kills me is that I'll see happen is, for instance, she'll do something or have an outburst and he'll get upset with. That's the other thing that kills me is that I'll see happen is, for instance, she'll do something or have an outburst and he'll get upset with her and she'll say, like she'll look at him and go, do you love me, dad?

Do you love me, dad? And sometimes like if she really just frustrated him, he'll just look at her and go, yeah. And kind of look away. And I've had some like, hey, like don't teach her that your love is only contingent on what she does for you but then I guess now that I say that out loud that's what happens to me too

yeah and I'm getting choked up now too because I have a seven-year-old little girl yeah so here's all I can tell you Nikki I can't I can't I can't make you do anything I'd love to talk to him something went sideways in his life. I don't know what it is I can just tell you're worth more than this And for god's sakes that little baby girl's worth more than this And just by nature of a lot of my higher ed work my job with college students I'm gonna put the you're right Your mom is watching you and learning what safety looks like,

how to be safe in a house with a volatile, unpredictable, loud, withholding adult. That's trauma, by the way. Trauma with a big T on it, trauma. And she's watching, oh, this is how we deal with this situation. And the number of students I've sat with over the years that have completely lost their faith, walked away from any sort of faith, it was almost never about the faith.

It was about people proclaiming one thing and then living another way that the kids over a period of their childhood could not reconcile the cognitive dissonance between who this person is espousing to be and who they actually are. And they just say, I don't know what to do with this, but I'm out. Because if this is what this is, I'm out. And you do that for 18 years, it becomes part of your nervous system. And somebody starts talking about faith and your body's like, dude, get out of here. And so we make, often make people walking away from faith about a, about a intellectual issue.

It's a nervous system issue. Get me out of here. This is not safe. It's the same as to your daughter one day, I love you, will you marry me? And her body will say, get out of here. Not safe. And he's getting some help. He's doing all the quote unquote right things, going to a counselor, but he is not changing his life, period. And you were not put on this planet to be his doormat. But I can't make you leave. And I can't make you have a hard conversation. And I can't make him change. I love you.

I love him too. Good grief, man. There's a lot of hurt in that house. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever.

Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks,

I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online, and you fill out a short survey, and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with better help Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10 off your first month. That's better help

help.com slash deloney All right, let's go down the street here in nashville and talk to elijah. What's up elijah Hey, dr. John, I really appreciate you having me. You got it, man. What's going on, dude? Hey, so I got married about three weekends ago. Congrats, man. Thank you. I got a wonderful wife.

She's everything I could ask for. What I wanted to ask about today was just kind of a roadmap to, one, obviously, how do I not mess this up? And two, one of the things we've talked about is let's make this the best marriage of all time. And she's on board with me on that. We see eye to eye on pretty much everything I can think of. And I've looked, we've had premarital counseling. I feel like we're doing the right thing, but I just really want to make sure that we're doing the right things that we need to do. People talk about putting in the work on marriage and they don't really go past that

and explain really what that means. So just a roadmap for how we make this the best marriage that we can. Dude, I love that question. And it's a disastrous goal. Can I blow up your whole model for this? Yeah, you can blow it up. All right.

100% do not seek to have the best marriage of all time that's too much pressure to put on both you and your wife and your marriage that's not the goal okay the goal is to ask every single day how can i love you today yeah and we're going to put in some pictures of what that looks like. Make no mistake. You will mess this up. Go ahead and release yourself from that. You'll mess it up. You know what?

She will too. And then y'all will both try to fix it and work on it. And you'll both mess it up. Okay. Yeah. So I'll give you a couple of things off top of my head that I wish I had known when I started. Also knowing I wouldn't have done any of it. Right?

I saw this recently that before the internet, we thought that people made dumb decisions because they didn't have the information. Now, we know that is not true.

Right? Yeah. People have the info and they continue to make dumb decisions. So, I'm going to fill a couple of things up here, fill you in with a couple of things and kind of go from there. Okay.

That sounds great. All right. So the first thing is I want you to not try to over intellectualize this. Yeah. I want y'all to make a habit, a practice, a daily morning practice, a daily evening practice, and then a little more of an intensive weekly practice and then a real intensive annual practice. And that is simply not trying to guess how she wants to be loved. Yeah. Not try to guess how she wants to be kept safe. Not try to guess what she needs from you. But get in a regular rhythm of asking.

And the quicker you can demystify the Hollywood bull crap that is, you're supposed to read her mind and she's supposed to read your mind and that's what romance is. The quicker you can melt that nonsense and be honest with each other and begin to think of it this way. Over time, I'm going to teach her how I best feel loved and vice versa. And by the way, knowing every five to 10 years, you're going to change. And so is she. Yeah.

Actually, maybe every month or two, right? Yeah. But so what we're doing is we're building a framework. We're not coming up with a bunch of answers. So we're going to build a framework where every day I'm going to ask you, hey, what's the best way I can love you today? What's your picture of today look like? And she might say, I don't know. What kind of question is that? That means her dad never asked that question.

She never saw her dad ask her mom that question. She might not even know. Cool, we're going to figure that out. And vice versa. How can I love you today? And you'll be like, I don't know, you'll make out. Over time, you'll come up with, I really need just to sleep tonight

or I really need to, I just need to go to something crazy. Can we just go out? And I know we can't afford it. I know it's whatever, can we just go out? Like, right? So we're going to slowly begin to practice that.

But if she knows you're going to ask that question every morning and every evening and every Sunday night, you're going to get together and go over the calendar for the week and go over your budget for the week, dude, you're building a marriage that is so resilient that when something happens and a whole bunch of things will happen, Elijah,

you just got to trust me on this. Yeah. Both of your parents, if, if, if the world works out the way it's supposed to, you'll bury all four parents. Yeah. You'll bury all four parents. Yeah. You'll bury all of your grandparents. One of you will find yourself super into somebody else you work with or somebody else at church or somebody else in your neighborhood, and you'll have to claw your way back. One of you will hurt the other person. You'll have parenting difference.

These things will happen. This is marriage. Yeah. Okay? Yeah. But if every day, how can I love you today? Yeah. Yeah, that's good. Okay. That's number one. Number two, be very clear about asking your wife,

what does safety look like to you? You sound like a guy that's into like, how do I protect and provide, right? That kind of stuff. Yep. Yep. Jiu-jitsu working out, yeah. There you go. When my wife and I were dating, this is going to shock you. I'm going to blow your mind. I was a hothead, a real hothead. And then when I got into MMA and it was less sport when I got into it,

it was more just like practice was sparring and like some sit-ups and then more sparring um yep going hard i thought protecting my wife was getting in a fight all the time and what i came to realize was i made her feel less safe on a daily basis yep because she didn't know if i was going to pop off at a grocery store. She was the one that said, John, if you get into some altercation in a restaurant because somebody looked at me wrong and you tell yourself you're protecting me and his buddy hits you on the head with a bottle, I'm left alone with two crazed guys. You have not protected me.

And so I learned with my wife that the greatest way I could protect her was to get her out of situations, to leave. Yeah. And so for me, courage was not getting in the middle of a situation. Courage for me was sucking up my ego and pride and getting my wife to a safe place, bringing her home. Yeah, that's good. Does that make sense? I can definitely, I can definitely lead towards doing the first leg. That guy look at you, I'm going to go get him. I'm going to, I'm going to ask him, Hey, what are you looking at? And so, yeah, that's good. And your wife will probably say, uh, do you think I'm beautiful? And you'll go, yeah.

And she'll go, he does too. Get over yourself. Right. And you'll go, Oh yeah. All right. So, um, but that's asking the question, Hey, when does this make you feel safe? And there's other times, um, I used to joke, my wife's a Texas feminist. She'd be like, women should be paid equal, all this stuff, right? That's all true. And then she would be like,

you need to go hit that dude. I don't know what to do. But so there is times that that's like, you know what I mean? But that's not for this show. Here's the deal. Communication and asking what, what to do. Right. You know, what, what makes her feel safe? Yep. What does intimacy feel like? What does sex like? Like what, what makes her feel safe yep what does intimacy feel like what does sex like like what what makes you feel loved yeah what makes you feel all hot and bothered what makes you just want to get it on like not you going oh i know what's gonna be because that's the way you're you feel or that's what you way you saw in some movies sometimes like let her dictate that and yeah hopefully vice versa that you open up a dialogue that she

can ask you that stuff um and that leads to what does being loving look like ask that question because i thought being loving probably the first 15 years was making money getting a bunch of titles getting invited to stuff getting things autographed for my wife running around in the middle of the night with police officers and fighters so that I could look like I was living the life that I really wasn't living I wasn't in the CIA

even though I was like yeah bro I watch the shows all that was me trying to love my wife come to find out, she just wanted me. And I didn't have a psychology for that. Because my only value was found in utility. What can I do? And she was like,

A, I'm smarter than you. B, at the time, I make the same amount of money as you about. Will you just hold my hand and watch the sunset with me and drink some coffee? Yeah. Right?

And by the way, that's changed. There's a season when you need to go to work. There's a season when you got to write a book and there's a season when kids are born and need some help. But it changes over time. But what does loving look like? Yeah, that's good. I'm gearing up for a time where I'm going to have to work

really hard for about two to three years for my career and getting that started. Perfect. And knowing that communication is going to be the biggest thing asking, how can I love you? How can I make you feel safe? Those questions, I'm sure it's going to be really important that time. And here's a magic question for every marriage. I think every person that's married or about to be married should ask this question. What do we want our home to feel like? Yeah. And then let's reverse engineer that. And in my house, I wanted it full of laughter.

I wanted it to feel warm when I walked in. And so we had to figure that out. Well, John, if you want the house to feel warm, I need you to put your dishes up the night before. Yep. John, I need you to help make the bed. I need you to help with the kids in the morning. And so then when you get home,

right? Awesome. Let's do that. Yeah. And here's a couple of other things that are marriage adjacent. You take care of you all the way around.

Not just lifting weights and going to jujitsu. Make sure you got a group of men that you talk to on the regular That you tell the stuff that makes you scared dude i'm scared about like my job Yeah, I am like this woman that I work with she thinks i'm hilarious and Like i'm kind of starting to like think of a joke that I can tell her when I get to work Like dude and you got to have people that you talk to.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that's good. Um, and the third, like, go see a counselor, man. If you're about to gear up and go get it, get yourself a coach, get yourself a counselor that you can, so that way you don't use your wife as a trash can over the next three years. That she only gets you when you're exhausted and you're not gonna believe what happened today.

Right? Yep. And then here's the last one. Hold all of us with a really open hand. The greatest quote I've ever heard about marriage was from Esther Perel when she said, most adults have four or five great passionate loves in their adulthood.

And if they work really hard, it can be with the same person. I've been married for 21 and a half years. I'm a radically different person than I was five years ago. Unrecognizable. I am radically different from the guy I was 10 years ago. Literally unrecognizable. And the guy that got married when he was 24, I don't even, that dude, geez, that guy needs to be taken out behind the woodshed and just beat, right? And so I tell you, she's going to change and so are you. And that's not the problem. That's the beauty.

Yeah, that's good. So if you hold her to a list of, you said you believe in this. Dude, the greatest thing is changing our beliefs it's one of my favorite things in the world to do that's why i read books i listen to podcasts that's why i have interviews that's why i travel the country oh i thought i believed this i thought something different you and your wife need to be really secure on your values and hold your beliefs super super lightly so me and my wife share some dignity and respect, no matter what curiosity over everything. Um, uh, hospitality, right? So if she comes in and goes, Hey, I don't think I believe X anymore.

I believe Y now. Then our value is not, you will believe exactly like me. It is curiosity and dignity. Whoa, dude dude that sounds wild tell me about that right yeah that's different than you can't tell our kids that our kids are gonna be fine you see what i'm saying so maybe a fun like month you do this brother have a one month anniversary she'll never see it coming have a one month anniversary and uh, take her out and Have something really nice where y'all can write down your values Who are we going to be? And make sure you talk through I know our beliefs are going to change you're going to read a book

You're going to have an experience you're going to get fired. I'm going to get fired We're going to have changes in what we believe that's the beauty of our life The only people who can't figure that crap out are politicians Geez Louise We're gonna get new information Cool. That's awesome. What are our values gonna be? Who are we gonna be? Let's ink those in right now and then let's hold some beliefs really loosely I'm gonna send you um

All the questions for humans cards, both decks for couples and the Christmas one that is probably going to be sold out by the time the show comes out. And I'm going to send you a couple other questions for humans decks and building a non-anxious life. I want you all to read that book together and just build a roadmap in your house. As you all are saying, okay, the next three years, I'm going to

be grinding it in my job, which is amazing, by the way. I've had multiple two or three or four year stints where I'm grinding it in my job, which is amazing, by the way. I've had multiple two or three or four year stints where I'm grinding it at work. Use that as a roadmap. How are we both going to be whole in our house? It's going to be awesome. I'm proud of you, man. Great questions to be asking. I waited until you're 15 to ask these questions. So dude, you're way ahead of the game. Take care, good man. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and

meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though, is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past it's hard to want to get together with other people and that's another reason why I love hallow you can personalize your prayer experience with hallow and they give you three free months to do it you can pray or meditate by yourself or you can connect with friends with family family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others.

And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour. And you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice, and here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice,

and showing up even when I don't feel like it and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself and sometimes you do this with a group and Hallow helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Hallow, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show

get three free months when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, let's go out to the concrete jungles where dreams are made of. To New York and talk to Monica. What's up, Monica? Hi, Dr. Filoni. Thank you for speaking with me. Of course.

Thank you for calling. What's up? Well, my question is, I'm like in my mid-50s, maybe late 50s. That was awesome. I'm 42, and by 42, I mean like 61. That was awesome. I'm 42, and by 42, I mean like 61. That was awesome. And I just, you know, my life is sort of pathetic, and I don't really know what to do next.

Like, I don't know how to fix it or what to do. Hold on. Hold on. You can't just drop that challenge and leave, old man. That's from Cry2Kid1. All right, so define pathetic for me. Give me a couple of data points that suggest Monica, my new friend is pathetic. I got a pen. I'm writing these down. Let's do it.

Um, you know, I'm 56 years old. I'm not married. I don't have kids. Hold on. Hold on. Neither of those things count. So continue. That doesn't make you pathetic. That makes you single. So go ahead. You know, I just sort of have like made, I'm really nervous. I'm sorry. No, don't be nervous. You're my friend. We're just having nachos. I've made like a whole bunch of like bad decisions. So like way back, you know, I like, I messed up my like twenties by like just getting high and drinking. Um And then got sober and then sort of like hold on. Can I can I just keep interrupting you? Is that okay? Sure. Okay. I know it makes it hard for our audience to listen, but I just want to stop you as we're going

Okay, if we were in counseling i'd let you spend all these out and we'd pull each one of these apart But I just want to stop you here What in your 20s what in your 20s doing drugs and drinking was your body trying to protect you from that you grew up zero through 19 I mean I had some you know I mean overall I had a great childhood I call bull crap on that. On a stick. You know, I had like a bunch of years where like an older family member did like some really messed up stuff with me sexually.

So I think, you know, it was that stuff that I was trying to deal with. Monica, for 10 years, your body was trying to protect you in the only way it knew how. You didn't waste anything. You survived. Yeah. If there was a shipwreck in the middle of the ocean and you got hit on the head as the boat went down and you floated and treaded water and eventually picked you up, or eventually the waves brought you to shore, would anybody say, wow, you sure wasted an opportunity to swim real hard?

No, they would say, thank God you're alive. Right. Now, is there a better way to handle childhood sexual abuse? On paper, yes, there is is did you survive yeah yeah you did yeah i mean you know i'm definitely one of those people who believe you know getting high probably saved my life i probably would have killed myself if i didn't that's that's that's the that's only somebody who truly understands addiction can say that and hear it. And I'm with you.

Okay. High five you. Thank you. Um, so yeah, so like, you know, that was my twenties. And then, I mean, I never left. I mean, I'm in AA. I never left, but I didn't stay sober that whole time. Um, but it's just been like a series of like bad decisions.

Give me some more. Give me, what was the bad decision in your thirties? Um, just like relapsing, you know, like not staying sober and trying to deal with my past and not really trusting anyone to be able to tell anyone the truth. So like it just sort of wasted a lot of years. Um,

and I don't know, like going to dead-end jobs when I could have done something else, but I was basically too afraid because I just, I just sort of got stuck in like these jobs that I thought there was a future

and there wasn't a future. Monica, somebody who was your family, the one tribe on planet Earth that's supposed to love you and keep you safe, hurt you in one of the most powerful and destructive ways a person can hurt somebody else. And that never should have happened. I'm just sick and so sorry that that happened. And I'm so sick and sad that you didn't have an environment in your home where it was okay to say something. Yeah, it was not okay.

Yeah. And so don't come here not telling the full truth. My childhood was great. It wasn't. It was hell. And what made it worse is that you were burning alive inside your own skin and you had to keep a smile on that face and make sure the house was okay. Yeah. And so I want you to be real, real nice to 20 and 30 year old Monica. Because everything, this wasn't an intellectual exercise for you. Your body said, no one can be trusted. You got to figure this out on your own. Right?

Yeah, I mean, it was, yeah, I mean, it wasn't until, I mean, you know, I'm sober a long time now. How long? In January, it'll be 20 years. So, you know, it's been a long time now. That is straight gangster, Monica.

Thank you. All right, so you got sober at 36. Tell me about your 40s. I just sort of, I mean, I went to therapy. I did like, you know, EMDR, like did all that stuff. And, but I got badly into debt, you know, like I just sort of, you know, I gained a ton of weight. And I guess I kind of like hit out in AA because I didn't know what else to do, you know. And yeah, I just, you know, like I stayed at a job that I thought there was a

future. And then that like imploded a few years ago. Um, and it just been like one bad decision, like, you know, like getting to debt, getting out of debt. And now like I'm back in debt, you know, like I, I lost, like, you know, I finally lost the weight. Like I lost, um, overcoat like right, right after COVID I lost like 75 pounds and now I finally lost the weight. Like I lost, um, overcoat, like right, right after COVID, I lost like 75 pounds and now I've gained 10 pounds back. And it's like, you know, like, I'm just like, I feel like I just can't seem to, I can't get it together. You know, like I can't date. I, you know, like I just, here's the, here's the fundamental, here's the fundamental thing. You think Monica's broken. You don't like Monica.

Yeah. Think about this. If you had a car that you were pretty sure wouldn't run right and that was pretty sure was really ugly, you would never drive it unless you absolutely had to. You would take a taxi you'd call an Uber you'd take the bus you'd take the you'd take the train

yeah you'd avoid that car how in the world can somebody love you Monica when you won't love you right how in the world can somebody

I don't know how to change that do what I don't know how to change that you've got to let 20 year old Monica go. She fought like hell for you. She had a really weird way of punching and kicking, but she kept fighting. And 30-year-old Monica, for about half that decade, fought and kicked and probably started crashing and burning.

And 36-year-old Monica did the hardest thing Monica's ever had to do, which is get rid of that crutch because the thing that kept you alive in your 20s was going to kill you in your 30s. Mm-hmm. And then you eked out trust with an employer, and they burned you, and your body was like, told you, quit trusting, right? Yeah. Yeah. And on the marathon of life, you walked your forties. You just said, I'm not going to, I'm going to quit sprinting and running and

stopping and crashing. I'm going to walk. Cool. Here we are. Nothing you have told me is pathetic. Not one thing is pathetic. Do I wish it had played out differently for you, starting with child abuse, starting with a home where you were a window ornament and a air freshener for your family? Yes. I wish with all my guts, they had been different.

And it wasn't. And do I wish that kind of trauma hadn't sent you on a 30 year journey of trying to figure out how to stay alive? I do with all my guts. And here we are. Yeah. I just, like, I don't know what to do. I don't know what, I just don't know what to do. You know, like my mom is 85 and like in the last six months, it sort of hit me like, oh God, like I could easily have another 30 sort of hit me like, oh, God. I could easily have another 30 years of this. Oh, you got 30 years easy.

You're too strong. You're too strong. And so the question before you is this. I mentioned this in a previous call, and I wrote a whole chapter on this in a book. The path before you has two paths. Both of them suck. They do. They're both going to be hard.

You trying to white knuckle sobriety alone and work dead-end jobs in a really expensive place to live, it's going to be very hard. Very, very hard. You spending some time forgiving Monica and celebrating Monica for keeping you alive, learning to trust again when every single cell in your body is going to tell you not to, that's going to be hard. Not losing weight because you don't like Monica and you think Monica's gross, but losing weight and staying

A good steward of your body because monica's freaking awesome and she deserves to feel good when she wakes up It's gonna be hard Getting out of debt not because i'm such a freaking pathetic bum and I keep borrowing. No Not owing anybody any money because for the first time in my life. Nobody's gonna own monica I'm gonna walk down the street with my head held high. Yeah. See what I'm saying? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah, it seems, I don't know. It's, yeah. Here's the truth, and here's how I know I'm not just spitting bull crap at you. Have you heard the story of my mom? No. My mom wasn't allowed to go to college.

She grew up in a religious group that wouldn't allow her to go to college. My dad always told her to go. The kids, my brother and sister and I, we always cheered her on. At the age of 42, she finally got a job. I mean, she finally went to her first community college class.

42. I was in high school. I think my sister was a freshman in college. And I had a little brother. She took one class. Next semester, she took one more class. Next semester, she took one more class. At 57, she graduated with her PhD.

Wow. This year, I think she's 73 or 74. I'm not a great son. She spent her last summer at Oxford in London or outside of London teaching students in her 70s.

She would not get on a plane in her 40s. Wouldn't get on it. And so I, not only is this like, you're worth more. I'm not just throwing Instagram quotes at you. I've seen it in my house.

Wow. Okay. Okay. The question I have for you is, are you willing to not try to find love, not try to find a job? Are you willing to put the work into love, Monica? Yeah. I just don't know. I don't know how people do that. I don't get it. I got you. Are you in? Yeah. All right. Here's, I'm going to give you a bunch of

stuff to get you started. And then you're going to owe you a bunch of stuff to get you started, and then you're going to owe me a couple of homework assignments. Is that a fair trade? Yeah. All right. So gift number one, I'm giving you Own Your Past, Change Your Future, my number one bestselling book. I'm going to give it to you for free.

It's about trauma. I want you to read it. And it's the more importantly than the descriptions of trauma is the back end, which is what do I do now? What are the exercises? What are the things I need to do? Okay. A lot of therapy is a lot of talking and talking is important, but also you have to go act.

You have to go do something different and it's time for you to do something different. Fair enough? Yeah. All right. You're going to read that book. And then I'm going to give you my most recent bestselling book, Building a Non-Anxious Life. And it's a roadmap to living a life where your body can finally go, ah. So then when that guy offers you a job, you can go, dude, I'm not working for you.

I can see this now. Or when that guy asks you for coffee, you can go, yeah, my body thinks he's safe. I'm in. Okay? The third day, I'm going to send you all of Financial Peace University for free. All the videos, all everything. Okay? Okay.

All nine lessons. And I'm going to send you the best app on planet Earth for budgeting, EveryDollar app for a year for free. And it automatically links to your bank. And when you spend something,

it lets you know and it teaches you how to budget and walks it all the way through it. Okay? Okay. The next thing I'm going to send you for free is I'm going to send you two sessions with a financial coach here at Ramsey Solutions where I work. And they're going to talk through your actual numbers. Okay. Okay. And help you get it. They're going to walk alongside you and help you build a budget. And 56 year old Monica is

going to go, it's so stupid. I don't have to build a budget. Dude, everybody needs help. It's all good. Okay? Yeah. The next thing I'm going to give you is my friend Ken Coleman's book for Paycheck to Purpose. We're going to help you get a job. I'm also

going to send you his Get Clear assessment, which is an assessment, which is like, all right, I'm 56. What the heck do I want to do for the next 30 years? Yeah. Okay? Uh-huh. I got you all those tools. Here's what you owe me.

Thank you. All right? I don't know. That's probably $1,000 or more worth of stuff. Here's what you owe me. You owe me a promise that before the weekend is over, you're going to write a letter to 24-year-old Monica. And that letter is going to start with,

Dear Monica, thank you so much for keeping me alive. And I want you to go down memory lane. Remember that one time? I cannot believe you did that. What were you thinking? I can't believe you got in that car and you went to that place and you made that deal and you end up in that hospital. You ended up with those guys.

Yeah. And you were doing whatever you had to do to keep me alive. Thank you. Okay. And then you're going to write a letter to 30 year old Monica, the one that decided I'm going to go get sober.

And you're going to tell her, thank you for entering into the pit of hell yet again. This time without a sword and without a shield. Because the sword and the shield for a long time was alcohol and drugs. And she went back in with nothing. Just AA. And then I want you to write 56-year-old Monica a letter. And that letter is going to be you talking to yourself. And it's going to start, Dear Monica, I want you to write 56 year old Monica letter. And that letter is going to be you talking to yourself and it's going to start dear Monica.

I love you. So glad you're still here. Here's who we're going to become. Are you ever going to be a millionaire? Probably not. Are you ever going to own a 5,000 square foot house? Probably not. So let's don't be, let's don't like, you know what I'm saying?

Like, let's don't project this. Like I'm going to manifest what? No, let's don't do that. If you become a millionaire, saying like let's don't project this like i'm gonna manifest what no Let's don't do that. If you become a millionaire i'll cheer you on dude. I'll be so happy Right, here's what I want for you. I want you to look up and be 80 And have a small condo that you own it's yours all by yourself nobody it. Or maybe even a small house. And I want you to have a little bit of retirement and social security. And I want you to have a car that is a good running car that you own completely. I want you to have a small retirement. See what I'm saying? I want you to begin to paint that picture. Are you going to have a Rolls Royce out there? No. Are you going to have a paid-for Camry or Corolla? Yes.

If you have a paid-for Corolla at the age of 62, I promise that car's still going long after you are, right? Because those cars never stop running. Right. But here's what, we're grieving the picture. We're grieving the, I thought it was good. It's not. And here's what it is going to look like. And at 62, you might be a teacher. You might be a businesswoman. You might be a small business owner. I don't know what you're going to be.

But you're going to have your head held high. You're going to be proud. You're going to be knocking these things out. You're going to have some friends that come over to your house. Some weird wackadoodle-do friends that come over to Monica's house and hang out. Because you love them. Because you love you.

Proud of you, Monica. This is your Independence Day. Monica's free starting today. You've been sober for 20 years. Game on. I just put all the chips in, all of them. I call, Monica. You're moved.

We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, the editor staff, you aren't going to hear

it, but I went to say I put all my chips on the table to the last caller. And also at the same time, the other side of my brain was like, let's say we moved our chips all in and put and move Came out of my mouth. I pooped I didn't poo But they edited it out So y'all can't hear it, but just thought I'd let you know what happened Gosh, our editor staff is amazing. All right, so as we wrap up today's show

Um, this is a great article by Lucy Hanley from CNBC. I've actually been experimenting with some of this stuff in my house and it's magic. So according to psychologists, the questions, how was school and how was your day are not the best questions to ask children after a day of school. Children quickly understand when adults are trying to get an answer from them and not trying to engage them. And so really quick, how was your day? Fine. How was school? Good. Like they become automated. They become a part of your kit.

So very wide ranging questions are so big. It's just easier to say, yeah, it was fine. And most adults want to switch off after work and let go of their day. Children are the same. And I find myself, how was work today? And I go, fine. It was cool. Their mind needs a break and often their main focus is on food, fun, play and rest

said Dr. Martha Dieros-Colado. So it's such a common question, kids just let it roll off. So here's a couple of things. What to say right after school. Don't turn the first second of school into a 50 questions. How was your day? What's going on? Let them get in your car and go, let them walk into your house after being on the bus and go, or you come home from work and they've already been at home for a while. Let's let them walk in and, hey, how's it going? Feel your energy. You feel theirs. Be patient and wait until your child is ready to talk, she said. Then when you ask questions, be very specific. Some questions I've started asking in my house. Who did you help today?

I just popped that question off. I saw it on the internets. I asked my kids. My son, who's a middle schooler, of course, answered, me. I helped me. And I was like, that's the wrong person. And he goes, I'm pretty good. And I helped. Anyway, my daughter, though, thought about it for a second. She's an elementary school person, a kid, and she rattled off a couple of people she helped. If I'd If I said how was school she never would have mentioned that but one kid dropped a bunch of stuff and she helped that person And then another kid was got in trouble at school at lunch and she went with that It's pretty neat just to say hey, who'd you help today? So i'm starting to ask that question more and more Um, and hopefully they begin to look in their day for, who can I help? Other questions that the article suggests is, what did you enjoy most about playtime or lunch today? What's the funniest thing

that happened at lunch today? What's the worst thing that happened at lunch? That's how I found out. One of my kids got another silent lunch. Schools, stop with the silent lunches. It's ridiculous. Let kids talk and be loud and be silly and be kids. Why? Let me think about it. Because they're kids and they have to sit in your classrooms and stare at a stupid Chromebook or do homework all day long or watch Khan Academy videos, even though taxpayers are paying your salary or just do worksheets. Let them laugh at lunch for God's sake.

All right, I'm off my soapbox now. What did a teacher or friends say today that made you laugh, that made you nervous? It's also important to talk about emotions. Were you feeling sad today? Was there anything that made you feel better today? Was there a time you felt lonely? What'd you do about it?

Here's the thing. Ask very specific questions. Give them a second to answer. Maybe you go first. I felt lonely today when Kelly came in a meeting and just stared at me and shook her head and embarrassment and shame and walked out. I felt lonely. What did I do? Yeah, I just shoved my face full of candy to try to make all the sadness go away. Did you feel lonely today? That might be a conversation you could ask if you

worked with Kelly. So, here's what I'm saying. Wait till your kids are ready to talk. Maybe you go first. Don't ask broad questions like, how is the world how is today be very specific and ask emotional questions what's the what's the thing that made you feel awesome today made you feel scared and let's create a new dialogue with our kids let's model

for them what that looks like and maybe you do that with your husband or with your wife model what that looks like so that they have a picture of what it looks like when you ask them. Let's ask questions to listen to our kids, not just to do a checklist. All right, y'all stay in school. Don't do drugs. Be nice to each other. Kelly, you're getting better at this directing job, producing job. I work with what I'm given bye