The Dr. John Delony Show - He Uses His Sobriety as a Weapon

Episode Date: January 12, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: - A woman frustrated by her stagnant relationship - A wife struggling to embrace her financial success - A mom uncomfortable with her daughter’s living situation Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Building a Non-Anxious Life Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. She is having to share a bedroom with her almost 11-year-old stepbrother at her dad's house. Nope. You have new information that your kids may not be safe. It is completely inappropriate for an 8-year-old girl to share a room with an 11 year old non-biological sibling. Hey everybody, this is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. So grateful you joined us talking about your mental health, your emotional health. We're talking about everything that's going on in your life, your marriage, parenting, who you're dating, your kids, all of it. If you want to be on this show, we walk with real people through real challenges. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to

johndeloney.com slash ask A-S-K Let's go out to Waterloo, Iowa. What is that on Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure? When he's like Waterloo. Like where would Napoleon be? And they go to that

Oh yeah, it is Waterloo, Iowa. It's Waterloo. Yeah. Like, where would Napoleon be? And they go to that. Oh, yeah. It is Waterloo, Iowa. It's Waterloo. Yeah. Guys, if you haven't watched. It's been a long time since I've seen that one. Phil and Ted's Excellent Adventure. It holds up.

It doesn't hold up. But you should definitely go watch it. Waterloo. Let's go out to Waterloo and talk to Alyssa, not Napoleon. What's up, Alyssa? Hello, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing good. I'm happy to be be on your show i'm happy that you're on

the show what's up oh okay well i'm questioning myself okay am i enabling or am i being truly a supportive partner um tell me what's going on with con okay so I've been with my boyfriend for over three years in the last couple years I feel like our relationship has pretty much plateaued when I do bring this up to his attention I feel like he weaponizes his sobriety

against me he goes into telling me stories about his past life and reminds me how much he has changed since he has stopped drinking. And I am truly proud of him. I see the work he has put into his recovery. He has done 180 as a person. Yet, I come from a family of recovering addicts myself, and I understand it's not a walk in the park. And I'm kind of questioning if I'm staying with them because I'm kind of used to that environment or I'm just kind of confused right now. Yeah, yeah. You've got a lot on your plate, don't you?

Yeah. I can hear it in you. So let's move sobriety off the table. Okay, well, let me ask you one question. How long has he been sober? He's been sober

for over three years. Okay, perfect. So let's move that off the table. Or four. Four, I'm sorry, four. Let's move it off to the side. Okay? Okay.

Have you communicated to your boyfriend what you need in your relationship? Yes, I have. Okay. And I want to do some quick rapid fires, okay?

Okay. And he has told you through roundabout stories about his past that he doesn't really care what you need right now. You should just be proud of him for how far he has come since 48 months ago. Pretty much. That's how I feel. Okay. I want you to live in that context for a minute because that will inform your next question,

which I think you're onto something. I'm very, very, very, I mean, just astoundingly proud of him for getting sober. Big time. And four years later, y'all should have been well into maybe round two or round three of building a new relationship. And you're not. You used some language when you first started talking, which is our relationship has plateaued. I don't like that language because it externalizes relationship. The language I like to use is one or both of us have quit working on this. Because the relationship in and of itself doesn't do its own thing. People say, well,

this relationship ran its course, that's bullcrap. We quit working on it, right? And so it's often easier to distance ourself from the work that is marriage, that is long-term relationships, friendships, employment relationships. It's easy to set it over there and put it at arm's length instead of saying, no one or both of us quit trying. And what I'm hearing you say, and obviously this is just one side of the conversation, is that you stood by him when he got sober and you probably picked up a lot of slack, didn't you? Yes.

And you probably were stuck somewhere in the fourth or fifth ring of hell prior to him getting sober, right? We got together after he got sober. Okay. All right, so you missed that part, which is excellent. So you carried a lot of the water, and then he just wants a pat on the head and wants to be able to do whatever he wants to do moving forward. Is that right?

I believe, I mean mean yes and no help me out I mean he does turn to me a lot and ask me a lot of questions and this is where I get a little to the point where I'm questioning things

as if he turns to me to be his conscience for him if that makes any sense whatsoever not really give me an example Um, it's as if he turns to me to be his conscience for him. If that makes any sense whatsoever. Not really. Give me, give me an example. Um, any kind of a time he, he faces any kind of conflict or situation or whatever. He, he always comes to me and discusses it openly with me. And the way he interprets everything is, in my mind, not remotely even close to what the actual situation is. And I sit there and I digest it and just let him keep

talking to me. And then when he's done, I kind of talk him through with how I see the perspective of things. And then usually a day or two later, he comes back and he's like, yes, you were right about that. So that sounds incredible to me. What's the problem with that? I just, I just, I just feel like there's always chaos. But yet there's not actual, there's a lot, it's chaotic. Give me an example. Walk me through it. Be pretty, be very specific.

Be pretty specific with me. Well, I don't even know where to begin. All right, let me back out. Let me back out a little bit further. Okay. Do you not want to be in a relationship with him anymore? Because if you don't, that's okay.

Or maybe you want to want to? I just feel like I'm getting kind of, my needs aren't getting met because I'm constantly having to meet his needs. Okay, there we go. I don't know if he can actually meet his needs. Okay, there we go. And I don't know if he can actually meet my needs because he struggles so much. Tell me a few of the needs you've asked him to meet. And to, you know, if I'm looking at an important decision-making of any sorts whatsoever, I ask him, and he kind of just shuts down. He doesn't, that's your life.

You deal with that, you know. I don't want to, you know, that's not me. And so then I'm stuck doing it alone anyway, you know. And I just really want that companionship with him to be able to kind of balance each other out. Okay. I 100% agree with you. I think the challenge here is for you to be in a non, it's going to feel un-Hollywood and it's going to feel unromantic. But I want you to take some time to be really specific about what that means to you. Because if you're the smartest, most caring person he knows, and you ask him, hey, what do you think about this situation I'm dealing with?

It may be that he's a coward and a wimp and is self-centered and only wants to think of himself. That may be part of it. But it may be that he instantly dumps into his shame lane because he can never be as smart or as good as you. And so when somebody does that, a gift you can give to that person is saying, when I come to you, I trust you, A. B, I value what you have to say. C, I don't want to make this decision all alone. Will you help me? And if he says, no, I can't do that, then you can say, okay, then you've got some decisions to make. If he says, I feel super scared helping you because I don't want to mess your life up any more than I already have, but I'll give it a try. Man, now y'all are building something completely new.

I feel like I have done this approach. Okay. If you have, then I think your question is, your original question is a good one. Are you done investing in this relationship? And here's what, here's why I want to keep coming back to you. You want it to be him. And he may have made a bunch of choices.

He may not be able to be the partner that you need. Fine. But you have to make the choice of, I'm going to stop putting money in this account. I agree. So are you done? I feel like I have been done. What keeps you together?

I guess I'm just scared for him. That makes you... Do you need him to be well for you to be okay? It's a very common thing when you grow up in the house of people who are recovering or people who have struggled with addiction is to become very codependent. Your success is relying on their success. I think you just hit the nail on the head. Okay. The person's success you must be most concerned about right now is your success because only then

can you wade into the mess that is going to be untangling a four-year relationship that is going to be separating yourself and allowing him to make the choices that he as an adult can make and you making the choices that are going to be best for you now and in the long run. But codependency is hard, hard, hard. Because it feels cruel to take care of yourself in light of somebody else making poor decisions, right? Right. Have you ever been to an Al-Anon group? No, I have not.

I would strongly, strongly recommend that. Both for your childhood that you grew up with and for this current relationship. Because what you're going to find is a bunch of people who have really wrestled hard with codependency. Because in many people's lives, their other ones may be in reality

or certainly threatened that they would die if it's not for you. You have to do X, Y, and Z or I can't make it. It's a heavy burden to put on somebody 24-7, 365. But I want to say something really, really firm to you, okay? Okay. This relationship is not good. And I have a sense in my guts That you're hedging your bets

It's not great, is it? No In fact, it's less than not great, isn't it? You're correct Okay, are you safe? Yes, and I'm safe Okay You cannot keep him sober okay um you cannot

keep him sober you cannot keep him from making bad choices he's an adult and he gets to make his choices for the first time in your life you need to take care of Alyssa and what you're going to find is you begin to ask Alyssa, what do you actually need? And now it's coming clear to me why that was hard for you to even articulate.

You got to start asking Alyssa, what do I need? What do I want? What makes me whole? I don't even know. Because right now, the only thing that feels like it makes me whole is making sure other people are okay. And unless they're your children, you don't have to be biological. They can be adopted to you. Unless they're a child, you can't. That's a scary, hard thing. Hang on the line.

I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life, my newest book, and I want you to read it all by yourself. And I want you to ask yourself, what about this life that I outlined in the book could apply to your life? Which parts don't? And then I want you to Google the great Pia Melody. P-I-A-M-E-L-O-D-Y.

She's kind of the godmother of codependency, this idea. And just read about her a bit. And then Google local Al-Anon meeting and just go once or twice. You can sit in the back and listen. And I want you to hear if any of the other stories from the brave people that attend those meetings sound familiar to you. And it might be a place where you find peace. But all of this begins with you taking a piece of paper and a pen and writing down, what do I actually want?

What do I need? And one last thing before I go. You mentioned, I've been out of this relationship for a long time. Now I'm just worried about them. Let me tell you, his body knows you've been out for a long time. His body can feel that gap. And it wouldn't surprise me if over the last few months, things have been gotten more and more tense,

have become more and more tense. Because for a former addict, for a former, somebody struggles with addiction, that sense of somebody pulling away from them sounds every alarm they have. It wouldn't surprise me if those alarms haven't been going off a lot in his life, which means the load you're carrying has become heavier and heavier and heavier. What I mean is, if you're out, you often don't do anybody any favors by pretending, by not putting the hard conversation on the table. In effect, sometimes it can be cruel.

Often it's cruel. Almost always keeping secrets is cruel. So think of hard conversations in your future, Alyssa. Do those things I discussed. Circle back and let me know if I can help in any other way. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season.

And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist.

Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp.

BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online, and you fill out a short survey, and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we're back.

Let's go out to Wheeling, West Virginia and talk to Laura. Hey, Laura, what's up? Hi, Dr. Don. How are you doing? Great. How are you? I am doing fantastic. Thanks. Awesome. What's up? How can I help?

All right. So my question is, how do you feel happy and secure spending money when you are financially stable, but you grew up in some kind of extreme poverty and insecurity? Great question. So are you secure now? Go ahead. You're all secure now? Oh, yeah. Tell me about where you are now.

We're going to go backwards on this deal. Oh, okay. So I'm in my mid-30s, married to a wonderful guy, Um, the kind most though girls dream about, like he's hands-on with our kids and great provider, stable, but also is a goofball. so you sound like you're describing me except for the stable part. It's so good.

Kelly's rolling her eyes. She's like, no, he's not. All right. So you married a great guy. Yes. And,

and hold on, hold on. And he married an incredible woman. Well, thank guy. Yes. And, and hold on, hold on. And he married an incredible woman. Well, thank you. Okay. And together y'all have created what kind of life? Okay.

So, um, we have two little ones, a two year old, one year old, and currently pregnant with our third. Um, I am a stay at home mom.

Um, he has a good stable job. We're not rolling in the dough, but we've crafted a very frugal life for ourselves. So zero debts outside of our mortgage, which will be paid off in five or 10 years because we got a really good deal on the six-year upper. And yeah, that's kind of what our life currently is looking like now. Okay. Oh, I love that you just said that. I love that you just said it like that.

Because people who grew up with not a lot say that sentence at the end of every cool thing that happens to them. Yeah. And not even cool things that happen to them, but cool things that they have absolutely worked their butts off for. And cool things that happen because they make sacrifices every single freaking day.

They say, for right now, until this all goes away, and I'm back living in a tent. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's where some of my, well, I mean, not the tent parks. I know my husband, you know, would bend over backwards to make sure that we're, you know, provided for. Hey, Laura.

Hey, Laura. Yeah. This whole thing about where you found yourself now is not all because of your husband. You're involved too. You didn't marry a fairy and he like sprinkled dust on you. You've worked your butt off, haven't you? I have.

Absolutely. Yeah. And I got myself financially secure before we got married. Okay. And I want to be, let's be clear about this. You said we've created a very frugal life. I like to say you've created a life of freedom. And people think of poverty and wealth as a dollar amount.

Poverty and wealth is about free or not free. Because I know some very rich people who are broke. They're leveraged to their souls in their vehicles, in their homes, in their business investments. Very non-liquid. And I know some school teachers who I consider wealthy because they don't owe anybody anything. They're not going to ever buy a house in Jamaica, but they can kind of do what they want in the world they've crafted. And you have done that.

Sure. Right? Yeah. And maybe I'm just not living in that freedom yet. You're not. Because here's why. Especially for myself. You've been running your whole life.

Mm-hmm. Tell me about your childhood. Yeah. So it was interesting. Which is something people who grew up in madhouse say. They don't ever say. It was terrible, awful. They're like, it was interesting.

Well, it wasn't a madhouse, but it was a cult. So I grew up in a cult. And my father was a drug addict. Um, that's not interesting, Laura. That's awful. Say it. It was a tough childhood. It was, it was a tough childhood. Will you say it was an awful childhood? I wouldn't say it was awful because my mom worked real, real hard to make sure that we were shielded from so much. Looking back as an adult now,

I can see the stuff that she was trying to shield us from. Laura, just because your mom, just because your mom worked really hard and is a, should be in the next Marvel movie because she's so extraordinary. Doesn't mean that growing up in a cult with a father who was plagued by drug abuse wasn't awful. True. That's true.

A cornerstone of you finding this peace that you're chasing that's so elusive to you is choosing reality. Yeah. And both things can be true. Okay, that's fair. Is that fair? Yeah, absolutely. Because I can be a real jerk right now and say your mom should have moved you 7,000 miles away from that. True, yes.

And she did. And I have worked through some therapy. Okay, all right. With some issues I had, you know, in relation to that. Oh, my gosh. You're so good at the vague game. But listen, listen, almost all of us, our parents were both and. Mm-hmm.

And I know my kids are going to have both and parents, too. Oh, yeah. Mine, too. So it's important and parents too. Oh, yeah. Mine too. So it's important to speak truth. It's awful. Kids should not grow up in cults where adults are like, you have to be shielded from your dad or from the other adults in your family circle. But fair enough.

Was money really tight and tough? Yes. But fair enough. Was money really tight and tough? Yes, especially when my dad left and then shortly after my mom did get out of the cult. That was kind of all one big kerfuffle. And then, yeah, money was definitely tight. Kind of to the point of where she and I are splitting up, you know, 50 cent pot pie and there's nothing else in the house. But what, you know, we don't know where, where the next meal is coming from. Yeah.

Um, but then, you know, she, she did get more stable. She got a good job. And, um, how old were you when all this happened? Uh, 13, 14. Okay. All right. Um, and then,

you know, I hit my twenties and didn't do college. Um, but I did end up getting a good, you know, career for myself, um, that I was able to provide.

And then from there, you know, late twenties met my husband, then we got married and, um, you know, started crafting what we wanted our life to look like. Um, and kind of what has brought this up to me that maybe I have a financial hangup is that this house that we're living in, um, it's, it's a fixer upper for sure. Um,

lots of potential. Um, but our next big project is kind of a for me project, which would be the kitchen. Um, because you're not like there's boards and stuff on the wall. So stuff doesn't blow in like it had been, but that's the kind of state it's in.

What kind of fixer-upper? This sounds more like a hunting blind. No, it's a 4,000-square-foot farmhouse Victorian. With boards on the wall so things don't blow in. Well, now there's boards on the wall so things don't blow in. Well, now there's boards on the wall because my husband wanted to see what was behind the original wall to see what kind of work

and electrical needs to be done. Okay, okay. All right, so I'm going to give you a couple of thoughts here, okay? Okay. Number one, a kitchen is a heartbeat. It's the chest cavity of the family.

This is not just for you. That's like your husband saying, hey, I don't want to do something like to him being a craftsman, him being a cabinet maker and being like, I feel guilty about buying screwdrivers and drills and a saw. Like, no, dude, that's. And I have no issues with spending on that kind of stuff. Of course you don't, but that's his job. Yeah. Yeah.

And you've taken the role, you quit your career and you've taken the role as homemaker. And this is the chest cavity of your family. This is where the heart beats. Yep. Build a nice kitchen for your family. Don't borrow money. Don't chain yourself to a credit card company to get this done. And that's the thing.

We have the money for it. But I'm like, well, what if we have another baby? And we need to get another, you know, my brother. Here it is. Here it is. Here it is. You're never going to find peace until that what if machine can finally be put to bed. Okay?

And by the way, I didn't grow up in abject poverty like you. I did grow up in money was very, very scary. Okay? Yeah. And so, but not, we weren't split into one pot pot. I don't want to compare what I went through

with what you went through. And I've spoken extensively about how I grew up. But dad had a great job. He was a good policeman. Mom stayed home with the kids, with all three of us. Things were dicey, okay? Things were tight. And so a couple of things.

Have you heard me talk about the GPS pins? No, I don't think so. So, you know, like if you're going somewhere, has anyone ever dropped a GPS pin in their phones for you to get somewhere? Yes. Okay. So, your body does that to moments that may have cost you your life or that activated your fight or flight.

It rests in your nervous system. It doesn't have an actual GPS pin, but it's an easy analogy for me. Okay. Here's a couple of things I think are happening. Number one, you grew up in a world where those people redid their kitchens. Those people, not us. We're not those kind of people. We're the kind of people who fill in whatever your cult said to you. So number one, you have an identity issue that's going against your nervous system because the earliest

wiring you have is those people over there do X, Y, or Z. This is why changing political affiliations is so hard. Right? Because they are the bad guys. And we think of this as purely intellectual. It's not. It encodes itself in our bodies. Okay. So number one, those people spend money on kitchens. We do this. They're evil. We're great. Okay. So your body put a GPS pin in those people.

And now you're turning into one of those people. Your body starts sounding the alarms. The next thing is you're getting ready to have child number three. You quit your job. What a job gives us is a sense of somewhat illusory, that's somewhat false, but a real sense of I'm driving my own train. And now you're not quote unquote making a paycheck. You're reliant on this guy you married.

Your body put a GPS pin in relying on men. Because men will leave you. Men will lie to you. Men will fill in the blank. And even though he's wonderful and great and he can fix all these things inside your body, your body knows don't hitch everything to somebody because remember what happened last time.

That's number two. Number three, money could all go away. It could. It could. Do you guys have an emergency fund where you're your own bank? Yes. Oh, yeah.

How much? Like worth of months of expenses? I'd say probably about six to eight months. So all of your job, your husband's job would have to go away. Yeah. And you would have to go away. Yeah. And you would have to not work and he would have to not work for six to eight months before you had to borrow a penny.

Yeah. The world would look radically different at that moment. Right? Oh, absolutely. So what I'm telling you is You're okay Like I'm talking about like Ash would be falling from the sky

And like The zombies would be coming around the corner That's right That's right That's right Because even if everything If your husband's job went away tomorrow He would be at McDonald's

You would be at McDonald's Your neighbor would be watching your kids And y'all would be able to stretch this thing out For at least a year Yeah Yes Absolutely be at McDonald's, your neighbor would be watching your kids, and y'all would be able to stretch this thing out for at least a year. Yeah. Yes. Absolutely.

But I want you to remember this. This is not about data or facts. This is about your nervous system trying to keep you safe. Mm-hmm. Okay? And that's why I feel so visceral. It very much does. To this day, money terrifies me. Terrifies me.

It sets off a reaction in my body. Okay? Yep. And my show's doing pretty well. We're okay. We're doing great. Okay? Yeah.

And even when I went to the auto dealership a year ago to buy a car, I went to go get one car, and at the last minute, I bought a Toyota Highlander. It's an amazing car. I could not spend that money. I didn't cash, right? Here's why I'm telling you that. You got to make peace. Does your husband love you?

Oh, yeah. Does he make a good living? Yes. If his job went away, would he go get another job? He's that kind of man? Oh, yeah. Are you a good mom? I am.

Have y'all created a world that is completely different from the one you grew up in? 100%. Okay. Your body's always going to be trying to solve for what it knows. And what it knows is chaos. And what it knows is, ah! And so every time something new comes along, like stability, it's going to try to drag you back. And here's the word I want to give you.

And it's bananas. It's practice. It's practice. Okay. Do you have a, like a thoughts journal? I wish I had a better name for it. I'm going to come up with a better name for it someday. I have about 50 of them. I started with my ADHD and then didn't continue. Okay. Very good. Awesome. Just like my house. All right. All ADHD is, by the way, is a body's response to chaos. It's trying to wrangle with it.

Yep. Okay? So if you're watching this on YouTube, I have one right here with some stickers on it. I have Sub Pop, which is the record label that launched Nirvana, among others. Yeti, because I want to advertise for a cooler company. Michael Easter's 2% Club. I got this and I carry it with me everywhere. You know what's mostly in it?

Me writing down thoughts to get them out of my body and out of my head and to ask myself this one question, is this true? We're going to run out of money. All right, I'm going to write that down. Is this true? Now we have eight months worth in the bank. We're good. People who spend money on kitchen remodels are greedy,

unbelievable. They're capitalist pigs. Is that true? No. Will my family be blessed and honored by the great kitchen? Yes. We'll be able to honor and bless people to let them come into our giant home and stay when they don't have a place to go? Yes.

Will this be a warm place for my husband to come home to every night? Yes. Will this be a place that my kids are going to bring their kids home to? Yes. Right? That's you practicing. Okay? Here's a third thing I want you to keep in mind.

It's this idea of ratios. Okay? Here's a third thing I want you to keep in mind. It's this idea of ratios. Okay? Ratios is what transformed my life. My friend Dave Ramsey taught me this. Dave grew up without a lot. I grew up without a lot. And then Dave's got way more than a lot. But here's what he had to say. If you have $10,000 and you buy a $1,000 car, that's X percentage of that money.

Okay. So you can look at somebody that has a new F-150 and think, oh my gosh, they spent $75,000 on that car. What an unbelievable, disgusting gross. Well, if they're making X amount of money, then the percentage might just be the same. And they might be giving away a lot. And they might be fill in the blank, fill in the blank, fill in the blank, right? So you grow up and you and your mom are splitting a pot pie. That's X percent of how much money you brought home that month, right? Yeah. Or how much money you had. Now, you'll have more than that. So when you look at your groceries, you're like,

I can't believe we just spent this on groceries. Just do the ratios. Just do the ratios. And as long as those ratios don't get out of whack, you're going to be okay. And here's the last, last, last thing. Keep your eyes open and give. Give like crazy. Give like crazy. Don't give out of guilt. Give because you know.

You know. You've been there. You haven't been able to breathe. You know. Hang on the line here, Laura. I'm going to send you my buddy Dave Ramsey's book, Total Money Makeover. And I want you to read that book with your husband. Make sure you're following those plans. And then I want you to give that book away to somebody,

somebody who's struggling. Start that path. Start that giving path there. But hey, send pictures of that kitchen that y'all build. I want to see what it looks like and see how you honor your home, how you honor your family, how you honor the heartbeat of that family, that new family that y'all are building. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks, let's talk about hallow. All right, I say this all the time.

It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though, is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow, and they give you three free months to do it.

You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour,

and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it, and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself, and sometimes you do this with a group, and Halo helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet Earth, Halo, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show, get three free months when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months

of the app when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, let's go out to Indiana and talk to the Sarah with an H. What's up, Sarah? That's the only way to spell it. I can't comment. What's up? Oh, I'm just enjoying this beautiful sunny day. Fantastic. Yes. How are you? Oh, I'm just enjoying this beautiful sunny day Fantastic Yes, how are you?

I'm enjoying a beautiful sunny day too Except I'm locked in this studio here What's up? Okay, so I am looking for some help With the situation with my youngest daughter I am wondering who can help me advocate for her. She is having to share a bedroom with her almost 11-year-old stepbrother at her dad's house. Nope. Out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out. Well, I agree with you. Um, let, but let me tell you this. So

simply asking her dad to make a change in room arrangements, which is where I started, it hasn't worked. Um, and with other things that have come up, um, it, it seems that he, that makes him dig his heels in even deeper in resistance because I asked. Call your attorney. Call your attorney today. Well, let me, let me. Okay. I'm getting all fired up about it. All right. I'll be quiet. I'll be quiet. I'll be quiet. I'll be fired up too. So like having, you know, when her dad,

so let me tell you another, can I just tell you another story, another situation? Sure. Okay. So I have three kids. They're now 16, almost 14, I found out that my ex-husband was letting him drive his Toyota 4Runner around public roads, like not down backcountry roads, not, you know, in parking lots, like to and from church, to and from the grocery store. And I called my attorney at that because I pick my battles. And that to me was red

waving flag. And I really felt like the legal system failed me. It just didn't go anywhere. And so this is why I'm asking you for help. And I hear you say call my attorney, but my experience when things have happened, and there's another kind of other thing brewing too, I have asked him to not allow our almost 14-year-old, the girls both turned a year older in February, So they're very close, but she, he owns a golf cart and he allows her to drive it around and she drives it onto a busy road that goes between neighborhoods. I have jumped up and down. No, no, no.

And I told her, no, no, no. I don't get anywhere with him. So I feel very powerless. When you called your attorney, did you call your attorney as though you were calling the police or did you call to alter the custody arrangement? The attorney that I... I used a different attorney at that time than I did with my divorce. Okay. And she kind of treated it like

we can't do anything because it's after the fact. That's completely... All right, here's what I know. I know I have not, I'm going to be honest, I haven't read the data recently. Okay? It's been a couple of years. But I know that a significant amount of abuse comes from step-parents,

step-fathers, and that extended additional circle, right? That non-blood circle. I do understand the tragedy that is letting a kid drive a car. Probably what I would do in the future is call the police and tell them there's a 14-year-old driving a vehicle right now and have the kid arrested. And then it would go back to dad.

But I tell you all that to tell you, because I'd much rather my kid get arrested. And by the way, they're not going to get in trouble or 14. The adult is the one who put them in the car. I'd much rather my kid get arrested than get hit. Right? But all that to say, you have new information that your kids may not be safe. In those three instances, it is completely inappropriate for an eight-year-old girl to share a room with an 11-year-old non-biological sibling. Period. Period. Period. Period.

You're not crazy. Okay? you're not crazy okay you're not crazy i know it's never okay to let children drive vehicles right now like the golf cart thing in these little golf cart neighborhoods that are popping up all over the place that's a different conversation i i we'll just have that conversation later let's just talk about the original one that you're talking like what you're telling me is the courts looked at the facts gave dad custody arrangement a and gave you custody arrangement b y'all signed it and you left or the judge ruled on it and you left. Now you have new information. Yeah. I mean, the landscape in our lives is totally different. I mean, we've been, I mean, we separated almost five years ago next month. I moved out. I bought a house. We've been formally divorced for four years.

At that time, there wasn't anyone else in the picture. He pretty quickly got remarried, and she brought three kids into the picture. So there's six kids and two adults. And, you know, I try to be respectful of my children when they're here. I don't nitpick them for information. But when they talk to me about it, I listen very open, my daughter, the rooming non-biologically related children, and especially of different genders, that bothered me. Just if you put it down on paper, it's like, no. But she also, she came into, when they all were at my house, she came into my son's room.

We were all hanging out in there. And she just was ready for bed. She had on one of my t-shirts, it was just a long t-shirt. And then she came back in there and she had the shirt off and she was just wearing her underwear. And I was like, what's up? And she said something like, well, if boys can do it, girls can do it too. And I was just like, my mom's spidey senses just kind of went off. And I thought, that's different. That's weird. That's kind of not sitting right with me. And I just got the feeling of maybe because she's sharing a room with a young boy.

And not to say that I don't think, and when I've asked her, she doesn't say that anything is going on and I don't name him specifically and they have gone over safe touch curriculum. They actually are talking about that in her school, but I'm also just not a dummy. All right, Sarah, listen to me, okay?

Yeah. I'm just telling you this from a parent of an eight-year-old girl. No. Right. And here's how I would handle this if I were you. You've been burned by the system before, okay? Or you feel burned.

I don't know if the system actually didn't, actually quote unquote failed you, but you made a call one time, no one did anything. They said, hey, it's too late. That is what it is. Fine. Here's how I would proceed.

And you have to understand that when it comes to the health and safety of my daughter, I will burn it all down. Yeah. Okay. That's number one. Number two, if I've learned anything

after talking with countless young women, I can't even count the number of women who sat in my office over two decades and told me things that happened to them as kids. It's haunting. Okay? Yeah. Trust every,

I would much rather you trust your gut and be wrong than trust your gut. I mean, then have this feeling that you know, something's not right. And then you're like, ah, well, you know,

so here's how I would handle it. I would tell my ex, I need you to know, I'm going to call everybody on planet earth. Everybody. CPS, child Protective Services, an attorney to try to get new custody arrangements. I'm going to call the police.

I'm going to call the school counselor. I'm calling everybody. I'm also taking our daughter to a child counselor. Hopefully she's seeing somebody anyway about the integration with a different family. And you're going to ask for a forensic interview tell her i found out she is sharing a room with an 11 year old boy that's a stepbrother and suddenly things have just changed with her okay yeah also I would contact the school and ask them to keep their eyes open.

Okay? Yeah. Now, let me ask you this. This is a very personal question. Have you experienced this before when you were a kid? Yes and no. And let me just put it this way. I did not experience sexual abuse as a child. When I was similar ages, my brother and I were... My grandparents were visiting,

and so we got kicked out. It was like a family event, whatever. We got kicked out of our rooms. And so we were bunked up in a bed one occasion, and it was kind of like, what happens if we touch parts? So it's bothered me. He and I talked about it, and we both had that guilt and shame from that experience, but I did not have any sort of repeated sexual abuse or trauma. How old was he? He was 11. How old were you? Seven. But I came to find out after that, that he, younger than that, when we lived in a different place, that he had been a victim of, from neighbors, that he had been sodomized and, you know, raped by kids in the neighborhood. And he had been through a lot of trauma that he still, it's something he has a lot of struggle with today.

But Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, he's not on the phone with me today. You are. No, he's not. Yeah. What happened to you is wrong. For sure. No. What happened to you is wrong oh and I've

and my ex husband he did you don't have to go into it all you know what I'm talking about right no i do and okay hold on hold on hold on you know okay so listen listen the alarms going off inside of you please please listen to them okay They are. I also am just afraid of, not because I don't want to protect my kids, but there's a part of me that is just afraid of taking on that battle with him because of the emotional abuse and all that went on in our marriage. Sarah, if you don't stand up for your daughter, who's going to stand up for her?

I know. I know. What happened to you was wrong. What your husband did to you, your ex-husband did to you was evil and wrong. And if you notice, I didn't tell you to take him on all by yourself. I told you to kindly let him know. I wouldn't say kindly. To let him know you're bringing in everybody you can. And I'm willing to accept any nonsense you want to throw my way because what happened to me is not going to happen to my daughter. True. And maybe your alarms are more sensitive

than others because of what you've experienced. Great. I'm still going to listen to them anyway. Yeah. I grew up in Houston where there were hurricanes all the time. And I'm the weekend after a bunch of tornadoes that just came through town here in Nashville. When the sirens go off, I overreact because I've been there. Yeah. Right. I've been there. Right.

And a lot of people lost everything this past weekend. Right? Yeah. And so it's not that my alarms were wrong. They just were off this time. Fine. But I would contact a therapist. I would contact the school.

I would let him know if this boy isn't out of that, if they're not in different arrangements. By the end of today, you're going to call Child Protective Services and let them know exactly what you've went through, what your daughter has said. And will it cause a stir abso-fricking-lutely? Will your daughter at eight years old maybe say, Mom, I had to go meet with so-and-so, and this, that? Maybe. Will your ex-husband talk crap about you to your daughter at 8 years old Maybe say mom I had to go meet with so and so And this and that

Maybe Will your ex-husband talk crap about you to your daughter And she's going to repeat some of it to you Maybe Probably not but maybe Well I think that already happens It does But I want you to ask the question

If you don't stand up for her Who will Yeah Who will Okay But I want you to ask the question, if you don't stand up for her, who will? Yeah. Who will? Okay. Yeah. Will you call a counselor by the end of today and set up an appointment for you and your daughter?

Yeah, sure. I mean, we already have established myself and my other daughter already at a place, so I can do that. That is easy. I want you to call and ask for a forensic interview because you think something may have happened. Okay? And you can tell them, I have my own childhood experiences with this, so I may be overreacting, but this stuff happened and every alarm I had went off. Okay? And I want you to, I wouldn't run from it. For the sake of my eight-year-old daughter, I'll burn it all down. And by the way, if you're my friend and I think something's going wrong

and I ask you about it directly, I challenge you on it directly, my goodness, I hope you would be like, man, absolutely, I'm glad you were standing up for that eight-year-old girl. That didn't happen, but man, good for you. I remember a great story where a kid, a dad was carrying a kid into a store and the kid was kicking and screaming and kicking and screaming

and somebody walking out of the store stopped them and talked to the kid and it ended up being that it was just a kid throwing a temper tantrum with the dad taking her into a store but the dad instead of getting mad and indignant asked the stranger or told the stranger hey thank you for getting involved because if somebody ever happens to be taking my daughter into a store trying to kidnap her or run away with her,

I hope somebody will intervene like you did. Thank you. And if your ex-husband is such an utter scumbag that he'd rather bury his head in the sand or rather punish you by sticking her in that room

and not picking up on the signs when she starts walking around with different clothes on, starts saying things that are very un-eight-year-old. Or maybe that's an eight-year-old statement, but it should be challenged. Man, I'm sorry, Sarah. I'm sorry. Call everybody.

We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we're back.

Those calls always need a second. So let's wrap up today's show, we're going to do this, Am I the Problem? Yes. Let's do it, Kelly. All right. Hey, hold on, hold on.

This is the day after the Cowboys ran the Eagles out of the stadium. Yeah, we did. Can we just all take a moment and celebrate? Oh, I'm so tired today, and it was so very worth it. And it was amazing, and we played amazingly.

Right now, we're both tied in the division. I love how you keep making this plural, we. We, yeah, you know, my team and I. I did a lot. From the courtesy of your couch in a state, several states over, you, y'all really got it done. We did, we did, me and the boys. Right now, we're tied.

But unfortunately, if we both win out, then they're still ahead because they've won one more division game. But regardless. They won't win out. And they were so mad last night. I loved every second of that. Yeah. It felt good. Yeah.

It felt good. It felt real good. Yeah. I even told my wife, hey, I'm not going to bed. I'm going to go upstairs and watch a football game. And she's like, what happened to my husband? What are you doing? I was like, I need to know on this one. Yeah. I even told my wife, hey, I'm not going to bed. I'm going to go upstairs and watch a football game. And she's like, what happened to my husband? What are you doing? I was like, I need to know on this one.

Yep. Also, Jalen Johnson. Ha ha. That's just an inside joke. Okay. To a guy that listens to this show. All right. Ha ha.

All right. Okay. All right. So am I the problem? Yes. I don't have this guy's name, and it's kind of lengthy, so I'm going to reword it a bit. Let's just call him Ben. Ben. All right, so am I the problem? Yes. I don't have this guy's name, and it's kind of lengthy, so I'm going to reword it a bit. Let's just call him Ben. Ben.

All right. So Ben would like to know, I purchased my late father's pickup from my mom back in March, and I've been letting my roommates use it until they have enough money for a car of their own. Ben here drives a truck for a living, and he's only home a few days of the week, so he lets them use it as much as they want. Now, his brother is having some mechanical issues with his car and has been asking to use the pickup. I said that was fine, but I requested very politely that he clear it with the roommate when he was planning to use it so that there wasn't any overlap of who was going to be using it. The brother's mad, and the brother says since the truck originally belonged to dad, to his father, even though brother has now bought it, that he has first rights to use it without having to clear it with the roommate.

So he's wanting to know, am I the problem since I purchased it? Because he wasn't given the truck. He purchased it. Am I the problem for doing what I want with the pickup? As the great Jerry Springer would say, you are not the owner. Does that apply there? Well.

Except he said you're not the father. Here's the deal. No. Nobody gets a vote except for the guy who bought the truck. He can do whatever he wants to with it. And brother is like, well, one time, dad, you don't have a claim to, you have no say in it at all. You didn't buy the

truck. Your brother did. If y'all had gone halfsies, which would have been stupid, but if y'all had done that, then you would, but you don't have a claim to it. So you came groveling to your brother. Can I borrow a truck for free that I don't own? And he was like, well, I promised it to these guys. Alas. No, you're not the problem. Your little brother is. So in this case, Ben's right.

Way to go, Ben. Thank you. It's about time you're, you're always right, actually. So there you go. That was recorded. I love that. He's going to clip that and play it back to me all the time.

That's going to be his ringtone. 100%. Your wife's going to say something and you're going to be like, hang on a second. Beep. There you go. Ben, you're always right.

There you go. Yeah. Yep. I mean, do you think so? I agree. He bought the truck. It'd be one thing if— Even if dad had left it to the boys, or dad had left it to you.

To you. But still, if that's where the legal ownership lies, and that, like he says, my truck, my rules. He says that in here. And that's true because – and his bigger concern here is actually not even should I let him. It's I work on the road. I drive a truck for a living. I've asked you to contact my roommate and for y'all to work it out, but you're too immature to do that because you just think you deserve it. You're entitled to it.

And to me, which just shows the brother is just immature. Correct. Immature and entitled. So, yeah, you're not the brother's just immature. Correct. Immature and entitled. So, yep, you're not the problem. You're a good brother. Immature, much like some of the Philadelphia Eagles, who last night got angry and

threw some hissy fits. Like Patrick Mahomes did yesterday. Hey, I'm a Red Raider, dude. I gotta do a little temper tantrum He's having a bad day It's alright It's alright

Alright, hey Thanks for listening to the show Stay in school Don't do drugs Be nice to one another And for crying out loud Go Cowboys