The Dr. John Delony Show - Helping Out Family, Husband's Drug Addiction, & a Struggling NICU Nurse

Episode Date: February 24, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode My younger brother is 32 and still lives with my parents. How do I speak into this situation? My husband is a cocaine addict. I didn’t know when we got married. When does rehab become an option? Teaching Segment: Books I Have Read Lost Connections: Why You’re Depressed and How to Find Hope - Johann Hari The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity - Nadine Burke Harris M.D. Discipline Equals Freedom - Jocko Willink Know Yourself, Know Your Money - Rachel Cruze I'm a wife, mom and NICU nurse. How do I juggle all three?  Lyrics of the Day: "Drivers License" - Olivia Rodrigo tag: family, boundaries, substance abuse, marriage, workplace/career These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a man whose 32-year-old brother still lives at home with mom and dad. We talk to a woman whose husband is addicted to cocaine and alcohol. And we talk to an awesome woman in Houston, Texas, who's a mom, a wife, and a nurse. And she's trying to make it all work. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? This is Deloney with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. Kelly's not.

I am. I'm glad you're here. There's 8 trillion podcasts you can be listening to or YouTube channels you can be watching, and I'm glad you're with us. I'm glad you chose this one. On this show we take your calls about your life. These are real people, unscripted, real folks with real challenges going on. They give us a shout and we walk alongside anybody struggling with anything from education issues to family and parenting to marriage to my kids, my brothers, my sisters, mental health challenges, all of it.

Everybody needs someone to walk alongside them, and we're here for you. Give me a call at 844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or you can go to, and again, they keep telling me to stop putting the www because we don't need that anymore. But you do. Go to www.johndeloney.com slash show and you can fill out the form. Let us know what's going on

and we will have you on the show and looking forward to it. So we got a packed house today. We got a packed show today. So we're just going to get right to it. But before we go right to it, just got to say this it's like college shirt out here in the lobby today i'm looking at a guy with a purdue shirt on you know what i

instantly think that guy's real smart he's super good looking he's sitting next to a beautiful young woman he's smart and right in front of him is a guy wearing an Oklahoma football shirt. You know what I think of that guy? I'm not even going to say it. A, because he can probably beat me up in a fight because I'm not very tough. B, he's wearing a cowboy hat with sunglasses on top, which means he knows something I don't know, and a bandana, which is kind of awesome.

You're from Texas, right? Wearing an Oklahoma shirt. And he lives in Kansas. This is what we call, we're going to talk about people with this type of psychological confusion at some point on the show in the very near future. But not today. We're going to go straight to the phones. Let's go to Keith in Sacramento, California. What's up, brother?

How we doing? Hey, John. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me. I really appreciate it. You got it, man. Just living the dream out here in California. Thank you for calling. You're the first person I've talked to in one calendar year that said the words,

I'm living the dream here in California. So I'm glad you're keeping your chin up, man. That's awesome. So how can I help, man? All right. So I'm a little concerned about the situation between my brother and my parents uh my brother's 32 years old he's got a professional job as an accountant uh but he is still living at home and basically is showing no desire or motivation to move out on his own

man how old are you i'm 35 35 uh yeah so What do you do for a living? I'm a manager, operations manager for a healthcare company. Okay. So, yeah, basically, you know, at this point, up until this point, I've kind of just stayed out of it. I haven't really, you know, approached it with my parents or approached it with my brother. He's been living at home basically since college after moving out. You know, when he first graduated, he had a little bit of trouble finding, you know, his career job was, was working and, you know, so from a financial standpoint, it kind of made sense for him to move back home, lives in the Bay area, really expensive. Right. Um, but at this point, you know, he's been in his career for five, six years,

makes good money, saves his money. Money's not a problem. It's just like, doesn't want to leave. And I'm kind of, I have concerns for him and his like wellbeing of, you know. Yeah. I was going to ask, so why, why, why do you care? So, you know, he's, I mean, generally he's, he's really shy, you know, he kind of has trouble making friends. Um, so it's not that he's a social butterfly where he's got, you know, his own life and he's just going there to crash. Clearly. Yes.

Especially with COVID he's like, you know, he's not going to the office. He's working remotely. So he doesn't really have a whole lot going on to like have any distractions. And so that's my big concern is like, I mean, I don't know if I don't, I don't think it would be good for him just to live on his own. I, you know, at this point I'd say get some roommates, you know, kind of build some friendships. Have you talked to him? You know, we don't have a super close relationship. I mean, every time I try and talk,

you know, if we try and talk, usually it's like, I get yes, no answers. So like having, you know, to really try and prod out of him is really difficult. It sounds like, I'm just going to tell you what it sounds like it sounds like you don't want him there for some reason in your head and you've talked yourself into some reasons why he shouldn't be there um for his own well-being but this isn't a guy you're super close to it's not a guy that you talk to very regularly who, or doesn't show any interest in talking to you. So it sounds like you just wanted to get out and have to grow up and pay rent. And right now he's not having to grow up and pay rent and he's still eating dinner with his mom and dad every night. It sounds like you're a little bit jealous.

Is that fair or no? Actually, no. I, you know, money situation, not a problem. My parents, everyday millionaires, the financial standpoint is not an issue there. My parents have helped me out financially. My wife and I got our first home. So what is it? My parents have been super generous from a financial standpoint. I had an uncle that had some, I don't know if it was mental health issues but you know he just I think really struggled in a similar way and so I kind of see my brother but

not going the full-blown route that my uncle did I mean he ended up not even I think homeless you know that situation but um I don't think my brother would get to that point, but I just feel like he's depressed. So here's the only path forward here. Have you talked to your parents? What do they say? So I've never really approached it to my parents. We've talked about it a little bit. Actually, my parents were visiting this past weekend and i was talking to my dad and you know he knows that and he i think he wants him to you know get out and you know have friends and and kind of live his own life um he wants his he wants to want his son to want to go out but he's not going to make him do it right right exactly and that and that's i think kind of the challenge is you know he doesn't brother just doesn't – I don't feel have the drive to do it.

No, why would you? He's living rent-free with awesome parents who still pay for it. I mean, and he's got nothing else going on. You know what I mean? In his head, he's just going to move out and just be lonely. Here's the thing. All of this, anything you do starts with an intimate, vulnerable conversation. That's it. You haven't talked to your parents full on about it. I think that'd be not a good way to go. I think you set up a conversation with your brother directly.

And you can't do it over the phone. This is a thing y'all are going to have to get together in person and just talk to him. Say, I love you. How's things going? When's the last time you told your brother I love you? There you go. Always a little kid. Yeah, exactly. That's the last time I told my parents I loved them. Well, fix that today, dude. Hey, listen, I'm telling you right now, I've sat with too many young people

and I'm saying you're 35, you're a young person whose parents passed away and they say, I didn't say it. I'm just telling you right now, dude. You didn't call for that advice. That one's free. Tell your parents today. Hey, by the way, I haven't told you in 30 years that I love you. I love you.

And don't write it. Don't text. Especially don't text it. That's such a California thing to do. Don't text it. That's an Oklahoma thing. No, they don't have texting in Oklahoma. That is, thing to do. Don't text it. That's an Oklahoma thing. No, they don't have texting in Oklahoma. That is just call them. Okay. Just call them and say,

Hey, I love you. You got to start there with your brother. Otherwise he's not going to hear you because what he doesn't need is a lecture. What he doesn't need is more information. He's got his information in a spreadsheet and it works out. Awesome. No pain, no hurt, no rejection, no rent, no food, all into the bank. He's winning in the spreadsheet of his life. What he doesn't have is somebody who's going to help him learn what a relationship feels like and looks like. And that means somebody is going to have to go first and say, hey, I love you. I'm your brother. I don't tell you this. I should have. I kind of suck as a big brother for not ever saying this to you. So I'm changing all of it right now. I need you to know that I love you and you're my little brother and I'm real, real proud of you. And I think you're pretty awesome.

That's how you start this conversation. Otherwise, every alarm he has is going to go off when you start lecturing him on what he needs to be doing with his life, where he needs to be going, what he should be doing. You know what a 32-year-old should be doing? And here's the thing. I agree with you. If you're 32, you're making great money, and you're done with all of the things mom needs to help you with, get your own place, man.

Grow up. That's what you should be doing. But you can't start there with a guy that you don't have a relationship with. And by the way he talks to you, he's not interested in a relationship with you under the current terms of your relationship, which is advice. Yes. No. Yes. Yes. No, no, no. Yes. Yes. It's like almost like a Morse code relationship. Start with, I love you. Tell him and then go from there. That's that. that's it and then if he says i appreciate your advice i'm not super interested in it then um we're gonna move on and we're gonna go on to

the next i mean that's all you can do about it right and then i'll tell you don't carry that demon around in your heart man because it's going to just weigh down your home your marriage your relationship your kids all that kind of stuff it's just going to make it heavier and heavier for you and um there's no reason to carry that around speak your peace tell your relationship, your kids, all that kind of stuff. It's just going to make it heavier and heavier for you. And there's no reason to carry that around. Speak your peace, tell your brother you're here for him. You love him. You're going to be with him. If he wants to help you, you and your wife can go with him and it's some new person on a double date, whatever it is you want to get involved with, but it's going to be relational, not informational. Dude, I'm basically a rapper now and I'm going to coin that informational, not relational. That's what he needs, right? That's where his heart and mind need to be.

So I appreciate you loving your brother, man. But do this the right way and say, I love you. And then go from there. All right, let's go to Joanna in San Antonio, Texas. Joanna, what's going on? How can I help? Hey, thank you for taking my call. For sure. What's going on? So my husband and I have been married for six years. About three and a half years ago, he confessed to me that he has been a cocaine addict and an alcoholic since he was 13 years old. And ever since then, we've been struggling with this, um, like trying to get him free, I guess, from addiction. So I was calling to see your opinion on when is it time to decide if he needs to go to rehab? That's a lot there. Can I ask you a couple of questions that I'm just curious about?

Okay, for sure. I've been very close to folks who have struggled with cocaine. I've been very close to folks who have struggled with alcohol. I've been very close with folks and worked with countless numbers of folks, young people, through various forms of addiction. How do you be married to somebody for six years and not know they're a cocaine addict and an alcoholic? Okay, well, it was two and a half years, but for sure. I guess it's because I have never been around it myself, ever. You were super around it, a lot. You just didn't know that's what that

was and I saw I mean looking back I'm like oh yeah it was pretty much I just you know I would see him I well now it's like okay you were kind of like detoxing and you were crazy but I just didn't I just let him you know do whatever like he would be angry and all this stuff but I was like oh he's just an angry person who cares and I just kind of turned a blind eye to it really and he never used in front of you once in that many years no no definitely not no how old are you I'm uh 32 32. So, was that for 15 years? He's been a coke addict? Yes, yeah.

Are you sure that's what that is? I was going to say, have you ever been around a coke addict who's been a coke addict for a decade, but you just said no, you haven't. It's really, it's hard to be functional at this point. Does he go to work every day? He works his brains out.

Yeah. That's the deal. He's a very functioning cocaine alcoholic. Like super, uh, he started his own business, was successful with it with a partner. I mean,

so yeah, he was very successful. That's, I think, why I just kind of didn't think about it. So yeah, the dirty secret about cocaine is that it works real good. It works real good. You will outwork people. You will get a lot done. You will be a rock star in the way we've set up society and then everything around you falls apart right it just melts underneath you so what what brought about him telling you um that he had a problem i think he at the time i'm uh he just he was just tired of it he just didn't want it anymore and i think also what happened was his childhood was absolutely horrible. We confronted his parents about it and actually cut them out of our lives because they were that bad. And then it was six months after that, that he told me. So I feel like it

was because he was dealing with that. And he finally was like, if I dealt with that and I'm throwing off pretty much like the shackles of my childhood, I need to deal with this. This is my crutch, and that is why I had the crutch in the first place. Yeah. So I'm going to take a different tack than you probably were thinking. Okay. I'm heartbroken for your husband because i know that's exhausting and i know that um i don't say that lightly cocaine works man it helps numb stuff out it

helps you get crap done it helps you um get up and get to where you need to be and get stuff done get stuff done it's a connection issue right and it covers up for a number of cracked and fractured and broken and hurting relationships. And yeah, it works until it doesn't. And when it doesn't, it takes down everyone around you, right? And so, I'm just trying to put myself in his head that, man, once I confront my parents, once I go through that gauntlet, then this is just going to, I'm going to be free of this. And then he tries month one and month two and month three, and then all of a sudden it gets real scary because you can't stop, right? And so here's three things I'm just thinking, here's three things you got to rattle around

in your head, okay? Tell me if I'm on the mark here. Number one, harsh reality is someone you love is hurting real bad. Is that right? Yes. Okay. And they're hurting real bad and they're a drug addict. Is that right?

Yes. Okay. Number two, you were lied to for a long time by somebody you love. Is that hurt there also? Yes. Yeah. Okay. And then the third hurt we often don't

think about. Is there a part of you that can't fathom? This is the same question I asked you right when, when at the beginning of this call, how in the world you miss this? Yes. Uh, yeah, I will say that I was a single mother when we got married. And I think that what it was was I had struggled so long as a single mom. I was a single mom for five years. And then I was like, it's not like I was looking for men. But when I found him, I was like, oh, my God, this is the one, blah, blah. Then it was like my battle's over.

And so I was just like married. And you'll put up with anything just for that security, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Then it was like my battle's over. And so I was just like... And you'll put up with anything just for that security, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Okay. So... So I think that's what was going on. Is he at a place where he wants to go to rehab?

Yes. Okay. And actually, it's a little funny that I was kind of at a moment of despair, and I sat down at the computer, and I went to your website and i like typed in this message like my husband is a cocaine addict thing and um when is it time to decide to go to rehab and i didn't send it i was just in despair and i was like whatever john delane doesn't want to hear this and my husband saw it like hours later and he sent it for me oh wow like he does want answers okay like he wants something okay so um the man my head was going in a totally different direction um so i'm gonna tell you

i think i love your husband and i'm proud of him i'm not proud of him for lying to you. I'm not proud of him for deceiving those who love and care for him. I'm not. But my heart's broken for him. And so I'm not going to beat him up. If he was here, I would hug him. And I'd hug him real, real hard. Okay. When it's time to go to rehab is when he is ready to go.

And until he's ready to go, ultimatums, forcing, if you don't do this, then what you're doing is you're weaponizing relationship, you're weaponizing connection, which is the one thing that continues this drug use over and over and over and over again. Right? Yeah. And so it's going to sound like I'm splitting hairs here, but what you have to do is you've got to develop strong

boundaries, not walls, not build walls, right? So you're not building a wall to keep him from you. You are building boundaries to keep you safe. And sometimes that boundary means you got to go. You got to get out of this home that we've shared. Sometimes boundaries mean, no, all the time boundaries mean you cannot have cocaine around my children, period. Right? Yes. So there's those type of boundaries. Are you physically and psychologically safe? Are you safe in your home environment? Does he love you that way? Yes. Okay. So no harm, no scary nights, no at the end of a four day bender, and you know that pinwheel eye I'm talking about, right, when it is just all bloodshot pinwheels,

and he can stare a hole through you, and he's checking the peephole to the curtains, to the peephole back to the curtains, because he hasn't slept in 72 hours. You're safe in those moments? Yes, because he really hasn't been like that. Like, he's super hasn't been like that. Like, he's super deceitful, actually.

Okay. So he just has really just kept everything to himself, and the worst he's ever done is just stayed up all night watching TV. Okay. And it's never been violent or anything like that, or I would have left a long time ago. Okay. I want you to make sure you've got somebody that you can reach out to, that you can be safe with.

The journey for him is going to be hard, and here's why. I'm less concerned with the cocaine. I'm more concerned with the childhood trauma that he's going to have to stare down. Very good. And to heal all the way across the board, he's going to have to walk that back, and he's going to have to walk that back with a professional. You can't do that by yourself. Okay?

And so at some point, it's going to take the humility and the character and a desire to not feel like this anymore. The word I've heard over and over with folks who struggle with cocaine is, I just got exhausted. I just couldn't. My soul was cleaned out, right? And so if he hits send, then I want you to – then tonight's the night. Tomorrow's the morning, right? The old – it's an old meditation saying, but every breath is a chance to start over.

You don't wait until Monday. You don't wait until next month when we figure out. If somebody's ready to go, then you go. Okay. Okay. I want you tonight to write him a letter so he can have something in his hands and I want that letter, I want you to let him know

how much you love him. Do you love him? Yes. I want you to be honest about the deception. Okay? I'm not beating him up over cocaine. I'm beating him up over don't lie to your wife, not the one woman who loves you, okay? Right. And let him know that you're going to be there, but let him know that you love him so much you want him to get well.

Right. Okay? And then you are going to need someone to walk alongside you too because when this thing peels off there's going to be a lot a lot a lot a lot of layers okay yeah you're going to go through some seasons of being pissed off at yourself for missing it you're going to be pissed off at him for lying to you the way he has you're going to be upset at the way people treated him when he was a kid you're going to deal with your own trauma which i know is there and y'all are going to have to completely start over and

build a new marriage together okay and that could be exciting and fun if you have that kind of heart about it and it can be devastating and scary if you're trying to recreate that guy that just came in you know the the shining armor on the horseback right that saved everything for you a few years ago you're gonna have to build something new and you're gonna have to get new skills to learn how to do that okay yes i'll also tell you this you don't have the money for this but you have to do it okay yes right that might mean that you're going to have to take a second job. That might mean that he's going to have to break down and call his employer

and go through the employee assistance program. He's going to have to reach out to a local church. He's going to have to get some help from somebody. I don't know how that financially works for you. You can't not do this. Okay? Okay. Okay, for sure. And

I just want to tell you I'm grateful that you love your husband okay i'm grateful that you love him and you are lucky lucky lucky that you're in a safe situation and um your job is to make sure those babies are safe too okay okay all right okay i'm proud of you anybody listening to this not for a second am I trying to condone being a cocaine addict not for a second am I trying to condone being an alcoholic not condoning any number of things but until you have sat across from someone

who says I'm done, I'm enough then you don't know how hard. Drug use is a connection issue, man. And if you can look around for the last 40, 50 years in this country, we went to war and we lost. Because we tried to weaponize connection. We tried to weaponize the one thing that people were dying from, which is a lack of relationship or hurting relationships, broken relationships, all over the place, trauma. And what did we do? We separated them further from other people.

We disconnected them even further. Now, I'm not saying she shouldn't be safe. You heard me say it. She's got to be safe, man. And sometimes that is, I will not be in a relationship with you right now. I love you, but you can't stay here. I love you, but I'm not inviting you to Christmas. I love you with all of my heart, and I will be there for you.

I'm not giving you a penny. I'm not going to give you a dime. But I'll answer the phone when you call. I'm going to send letters. I'm going to make sure you know that you're loved. And when you're ready, he hits send, man. He hits send. So when is somebody ready to go to rehab?

When they're ready to go to rehab. Man, I'm going to be thinking about you guys, Joanna, praying for you. To your husband who's watching this, listening to this, I'm proud of you. But go. Go through the whole program. Don't quit. Don't walk out. It's going to get hard.

And then it's going to get harder. And then after the hard, then it's going to get ugly. Because you're going to have to stare down your childhood. You're going to have to stare down your trauma. You're going to have to let that little five-year-old boy that's been protecting you for so long, you're going to have to let him go play. You're going to have to let him just play. You're going to have to let him just go play. And I want you to hold that letter that Joanna's going to write you. I want

you to read it over and over and over. Don't forget that you're loved, you're loved, you're loved, and you got a lot of hard work ahead of you, but you're going to be free of this thing. And then, man, the character of the guy who built a business, the character of the guy who loves his wife, and he's going to tell her the truth from this point forward, he's never going to lie again, man, there's nothing that's going to stop you. And you're going to be able to help that guy that you work with. You're going to be able to help that woman that you work with. And you're going to be about healing your community instead of taking from it.

So, man, I'm with you guys, Joanna. Let me know how that goes. When you drop him off for his inpatient program, I want you to reach back out to us and let us know how that conversation goes, and we'll keep our listeners plugged into this one. Thank you so much for trusting us. Yeah. Wow.

Good for you guys. All right, I'm going to take a hard left turn, and here's a couple of notes that I received from the internets. A couple of just teaching things. Number one, what are some of my favorite books from 2020? Here's four books. If you're going to start 2021, we're a couple of months in now. Here's a couple of books, four books you got to go pick up right now.

Okay. Number one, Lost Connections by Johan Hari, H-A-R-I. This is a thick book. It's a lot. It is worth the read. It re-imagines depression. I cheered through this book. I actually got kind of frustrated because we're working on a big book for me here. And I was like, man, I was going to write that chapter. I was going to write that. And he, he, Johan Hari does a remarkable job in this book, pulling apart the strings of the way we look at depression, the nonsensical way we've approached it and ways we can get well. It's a, it's a, it's a world-class masterclass class book. It is a long read and it's tough to get through. Sometimes it's dense. It is worth

your time. Another book by Dr. Nadine Burke Harris called The Deepest Well. This is a shorter book. It is a masterpiece. Every single person in the world should read the books called The Deepest Well about adverse childhood experiences, ACEs. man, we are all carrying them around. And this book is an eye-opener. It's extraordinary. I had the opportunity to do some work with some, do some ACEs work with kids at one of my practicums several years ago. This book is the masterclass.

Dr. Burke Harris is, it's an extraordinary book. It's an easy read. It's good to get through. She does a great job teaching the science. It's read. It's good to get through. She does a great job teaching the science. It's good. It's good. Get it. Also, you're going to think this is a hard turn.

It's not. Jocko Willink's book, Discipline Equals Freedom. So we're going from a deep, deep dive into the etiology, the history of depression, where it even comes from, the deepest well, childhood traumas, and then a book that says, and tomorrow you got to wake up and decide. And I read through Jaco's book and I kept thinking, yeah, yeah. And so we do have childhood traumas. We do have hard, hard things. We do have painful experiences in our life. And we got to wake up tomorrow morning and just make a good next decision.

And Jaco's book makes me laugh. It's hard. It made me have to re-examine some of the excuses I make in my everyday life. And I have made some direct life changes because of these three books. And the fourth book was from a previous show, my good friend Rachel Cruz's book, Know Your Money, Know Yourself. Know Yourself, Know Your Money. That's right.

Know Yourself, Know Your Money. Man, I have sat with couples in a counseling session. I've sat with people in counseling-type sessions or've sat with people in counseling type sessions or coaching sessions. They will tell me about their sex life. They will tell me about the times they betrayed their own values, the times they betrayed values of other people. And they will not talk about their money. They won't talk about their debt.

They won't talk about their fear behind money, scarcity. I'm never going to have enough. And we have this thing baked into our culture. Listen, when I say this, we have distilled down what a person's value is with this one question. Hey, what are you worth? And we put a number on that question. And we wonder why it's hard for people to talk about money, right? Because we ask all these things. What are the vacations you didn't go on? How big your house is? What kind of cars you drive? What colleges you did or didn't go to? All that distills down to, hey, what are you worth? And we put a dollar amount on that question. The answer to the question, what are you worth,

is never a dollar amount, but we do it. In Rachel's book, it is a quick, it's not a quick read. It's a thick book, but it's not a deep science book, but it is an extraordinary look at here's where your money story that you've told yourself that you were born into, here's where it comes from, and here's why you struggle with it the way you do. The millions of Americans that can't miss a paycheck or their bills don't get paid. The millions of America that can't handle a $400 emergency, right? Man, a lot of that's deep rooted in the stories we tell ourselves. So those are the four books I would say,

go pick those up and go get after them. Lost Connections, The Deepest Well, Discipline Equals Freedom, and Know Yourself, Know Your Money. Those are awesome. All right, I'm going to do the next teaching segment on the next show. It's about sleep, so stay tuned for the next show on sleep. I'm going to get to this last call here. Let's go to Amelia in Houston, Texas.

Amelia, what's going on? How can I help? Hey, Dr. Don, how are you?? How can I help? Hey, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing so good. How about you? I'm good. Okay.

Hey, wait, hold on. You just said you gave me a long good, which usually is a nice way of saying not very good at all. I mean, I'm struggling if I'm being honest there we go all right we tell the truth on this show amelia all right so hey what's up so i am a wife a mom of two um a six-year-old and a two-year-old, and I am a neonatal nurse. Oh, honey, Amelia, that's a lot. I don't even know why you're calling.

That's a lot. So I absolutely love my job. I feel like it is where I am meant to be. It's my, it's my passion. It's my work. Um, and it's, um, but also, so as a mom, right. So I guess that's where my struggle is, is I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing, but I don't want my kids and my family to suffer, um, based on the choices of my career. Um, and I'm just, I guess I'm just struggling with finding a balance between it all. Um, and that struggle between, you know, I'm, I'm doing what I know I'm supposed to be

doing. Like, it feels right. I'm happy. But then, you know, my kids aren't in bed at, you know, 830. And they're, you know, there's not really a set schedule, I guess, is the best way to put it. And so I guess to complicate things, my six-year-old has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. And so just making sure that he has that balance and that he feels that, you know, mom and dad are here for them no matter what. How's your marriage? Our marriage is great. Um, what does that, what does that mean? Um, what does great mean? So I have full support for my husband. Um, he wants to, um, you know, make sure that I'm happy and that, you know, he's fully supportive of me working and doing what we've both worked so hard for to get to this point. I mean, we have good communication.

We are working on that, but I do feel like that has improved. We are seeing an actual counselor. Since my son was diagnosed, we want it to be on the same page as far as how we handle different situations and scenarios and things like that. So, I feel like the openness is there. He has long work hours as well. He's an emergency veterinarian, so he also has long hours and hard days. But I do feel like that communication's there. I feel like I can trust him. He is my best friend. He's the one that I want to do life with. I don't know. Sure. So there's a lot here. Give me a specific question.

How can I help you? I guess just how do I take the negativity from coming in from the outside of saying that, I guess, from family members that mean well, saying that, you know, my children are suffering because they're the hours that my husband and I work. You know, having the... Sorry. No, it's okay. So let me do this. I'm sorry. No, it's okay. So let me do this. I'm going to start walking this back, and you feel free to cut me off and jump in at any time.

Okay? Sure. And my promise to you as a fellow Houstonian, even if you were from Mars, I would be honest with you, is I'm going to tell you the truth, the truth, and nothing but the truth. So help me God, okay? Yes, sir. Your life sounds chaotic. Is that a good word? That's pretty accurate.

Okay. It's not a bad thing. It just sounds like an is, right? And it would be chaotic because you have a six and a two-year-old just because of that, right? Six and two-year-olds are a lot. They're all over the place. And they're fun and beautiful and wonderful.

And oh my gosh, if I can't sleep a whole night, right? So they're all of it, right? All at the same time. Right. That's number one. Number two, I've got two people deeply committed to traumatic professions who love one another and are trying to make that work. Okay?

Yes, sir. And when you are a – don't say sir. So, y'all both deal in trauma every day. People come to you in their worst moments and say, please help me. Please save my baby. Please save this animal, this pet of mine that has, this is all I've got, right? And that is a lot every day. And I know y'all know that, but sometimes it helps for somebody else to say it out loud. Y'all deal in other people's hurt. Okay. And what people come to you and say, everything in my world is dark. Please turn the light on somehow, some way. Right.

And then you've got, so you got two little kids, you got chaos, no matter what. You got two people who deal in trauma every day. Right. And then you are trying to make all this work at all at the same time and then somebody comes and drops something in your lap that says hey your six-year-old has a chaos slash connection learning disorder which is adhd which is a another way to frame it and i get a lot of grief for it and i don't care um i'm a card carrying member. I'm off the chart, by the way. Like, I, on the scoring, it's comical, okay? So, the hard reality is if we look at ADHD as a connection issue, as a response to chaos, a learned response to chaos, and also the nonsensical educational environment some of

our kids are forced into, right? Then you start to reverse engineer your life and it gets hard. And then people start throwing their little comment grenades at you, right? They start telling you things that cut you right into your soul as though they're helping and they're not, because these are all things that you know, right? And so here's what I'm going to super strong recommend you do, okay? What I'm telling you right now is you are on a recipe for complete and total burnout. And I think probably both of you are, you and your husband. And the problem with the burnout is you don't know where it's going to land, whether it's going to be relational burnout, whether it's going to be professional land, whether it's going to be relational burnout,

whether it's going to be professional burnout, whether it's going to be burnout on those kids. Okay? And I'm telling you that twofold. Number one, I have lived the life you are talking about right now. Okay? The only difference is my wife didn't work in trauma. She was a professor.

She didn't work a – I didn't have two of us working in trauma. There was just one of us. Okay? So here's my recommendation. Are you ready? This is the prescription from a non-medical guy. You ready? Yeah. I want you to start in reverse order. None of this works. None of it. Unless you and your husband prioritize your marriage number one above your kids above your work above all of it okay okay and so that starts with y'all two getting together and being real vulnerable with each other being really direct letting him know what you need from him, what you need just period, letting him tell you what he needs. What are things that y'all can do for one another to help you guys be whole? Because y'all have to be whole because you're dealing with so much secondary traumatic stress and you can only

repel off and hold another mom whose baby's in NICU. You can only repel off and hold another mom whose baby is in NICU. You can only repel off and hold another baby and another baby and another baby when you are fully anchored in, okay? So number one, you've got to give him permission to hold you accountable to whatever you all agree to. You're going to have to let him speak into your life and he's going to have to let you speak into his life. And what does that look like? That means you're all going to have to let you speak into his life. And what does that look like?

That means y'all are going to have to be honest about what you eat, how much y'all move and exercise. Are y'all getting sleep? Are y'all taking care of yourselves? Are you putting your oxygen mask on first to beat an old metaphor to death, right? Only then can you then focus on those two beautiful angels that you brought into the world. And they come next, right? What are the boundaries with kids?

What are the ways that mom and dad are dealing with our secondary traumatic stress? I'm so glad to hear you all say, hey, we just got some new information. Our kids got ADHD, so we're going to go to counseling to make sure we have the tools to connect with one another. We're on the same page. That's so awesome, Amelia, that that was your default. Good for you. But what is the way page. That's so awesome, Amelia, that that was your default. Good for you. But what is the way we're going to be

connected with these kids? And then and only then does our professional life come after that. Okay? And you said something that I wrote down here. We worked so hard to get somewhere. And you got there. And I want to tell you, I've done research. I've met with, I can't even tell you how many doctors, lawyers, fancy pants, preachers, college presidents, senior staff at universities across the country. And I can't

tell you how many times I've heard the line, I worked so hard to get here. And then they have to ask themselves, was it worth it? I worked so hard to get here, but I just want to play with my kid. I worked so hard to get here, but I never see my wife. I worked so hard to get here and fill in the blank. And you can all, every time you can, I say the following words, you don't have to keep doing this job. And you can almost see their shoulders just drop as they never even considered that. Or they will say really quickly, no, no, no, I want to do this job.

And I love it when they say that too, because now I know what's important, right? Your marriage, your kids, your job, but we're going to do it in that order. And we're going to not give on these priorities that we say we're not going to give on. And then we know we're in it, right? And that way, when you come home exhausted, you can text your husband at four o'clock in the afternoon and say, I'm having a day and it's my ranking score is a seven. And he knows, all right, I've got dinner tonight. I got kids bath tonight and I'm all in. Or you can text him and say, today was a two. And he's like, sweet, she's got dinner.

I've got one kid. She's got the other. We're going to divide and conquer. Whatever system y'all come up with, but it's got to go in that order. Does that make sense? Yes. Is that frustrating to hear? Yeah.

Or is it a relief to hear? I think it's what I've been telling myself. Okay. I guess, and I think that's a struggle as I know where the priority should be. And I guess it's just a struggle of finding what's the right answer because, you know. Here's the right answer. Yes, the hours. The right answer is your relationship and your kids and your work in that order.

Because one doesn't work without the other. If you were single, yeah, dude, you were all in on this NICU gig. And I would still be telling you, you've got to prioritize your psychological and spiritual and mental health above the NICU job. Because you're no good to those kids if you're fried and burnt out. You're no good to those mothers and fathers who are so desperately clinging on to every last shred of hope. You're no good to them if you're not whole at home, right? And if you were a single mom, I would tell you, your health comes first. Your brain and your heart come first. Those kids come second.

Work comes third. And you tethered yourself to a guy that sounds like he's a great guy. He's a good man. He deals with trauma for a living. He helps other people. He loves you. He loves your kids. And so he comes first.

And then when you're tethered in there, then you can anchor off and be the mom and dad that y'all are going to be, that you know you've got that picture in your head, what that's going to look like. And then, and only then, can you be the trauma nurse that those families desperately need you to be. What I want to give you permission is just to drop your shoulders and go, we got a lot going on. And it may be that for this season, he doesn't work overnight shifts because you got a six and a two-year-old. And maybe for the next three years, he is just doing the day shift and he goes off call and it's going to hammer y'all financially and it sucks, but those kids are worth the time. Or maybe for the next two

years, you don't work night shifts, you work day shifts and you're not doing weekend plugs. Whatever that looks like, but give yourselves permission to go in that order. Most couples try to reverse engineer it. How many hours can we shave off and not have to do this? I want you all to start the other way. I love you so much. And here's what you bring to me. You don't even know what you bring to me, how much I love. And here's what I desperately need from you. What can I help with you so that you and I can work together? And then, man, what do we want our kids' worlds to look like? What kind of picture do we want home to look like? And you said it best.

Man, kids are routine sponges. Bedtimes every night at this time. Even if it cuts into mom and dad time, they're going to get their bedtime here. They're going to eat here. We're going to all get up together. Or I'm going to go do my morning routine. Dad's going to do wake-ups on this week and I'm going to flip it. Whatever that looks like, but you're going to map that out and then you'll figure out the work stuff later. And if you're an awesome NICU nurse,

I guarantee you are and your work doesn't accommodate that. There's a hundred different places in Houston, Texas where you can go be a NICU nurse. There just is. And if your husband's practice is, no, bro, you got to do it. There's a hundred, there's a thousand places in Houston where he can go be an awesome vet with that kind of expertise and that kind of experience and the kind of compassionate heart that he has. So you're not locked in. You just got to go in the right order. I am so proud of you as a couple.

I'm proud of you, Amelia, for thinking through this. I'm so grateful that there are incredible, smart, brilliant, compassionate women like you out there taking care of these babies, taking care of these families who have a baby who are struggling. Every moment of their life has been rocked upside down. I'm so glad you're doing this. And I'm so glad you're a mom who loves her'm so glad you're a mom who loves her kids. And then you're a wife who loves her husband. And also don't forget, you got a six and a two-year-old. Everything feels like the end of time when you have a six and a two-year-old. There should be a YouTube series just for parents of six and two-year-olds called It Gets Better. I know there's a couple of different series of It Gets Better. I'm telling you, you got a six

and two-year-old, it gets better. It does, it does, it does. I'm so grateful. We're going to end the show there, man. I just love talking to you. It's awesome. All right, so as we wrap up today's show, this isn't the greatest song of all time. It's brand new. It hasn't been out long enough, but it's going to tell you right now, I'm a sucker for a heartfelt, a heartfelt teen, young 20s,

30s piano ballad that just tears at the soul. And this is it, man. It's off the, I think it's the OR1 record. Is that it? Olivia Rodrigo. Man, here's the words of this incredible song. I got my driver's license last week, just like we always talked about. Because you were so excited for me to finally drive up to your house.

But today I drove through the suburbs crying because you weren't around. Oh my gosh, I can feel it. And you're probably with that blonde girl. Come on, man. Who always made me doubt. She's so much older than me. She's everything I'm insecure about. Today I drove through the suburbs because how could I ever love someone else? And I know we weren't perfect, but I never felt this way for no one. And I just can't imagine. How could you be so okay now that I'm gone? I guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me

because you said forever. Now I drive alone past your street. Oh my gosh, can you hear that line? I'm going to do that again. I guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me because you said forever. Now I drive alone past your street. Olivia Rodrigo.

This is the Dr. John Deloney Show.