The Dr. John Delony Show - His Conspiracy Theory Obsession Is Ruining Our Marriage

Episode Date: June 23, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A wife facing the end of her 44-year marriage - A man wondering how to build real relationships in his very independent lifestyle - A woman struggling to celebrate others after her husband’s suicide Lyrics of the Day: "With A Little Help From My Friends" - The Beatles Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Shortly after I lost him, my best friend and her family were in a severe car accident, and it looked like they weren't going to survive. Their whole family survived, and I find myself really angry and jealous that their family is intact and mine is not. What is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Talk to real people about real things going on in their life.

Struggles, people are trying to figure out what to do next when it comes to their mental health, to their marriage, to their parenting. Probably pet ownership. I'm also a closet expert in parent ownership. I'm not at all, not even a little bit. I got some chickens and I'm not even good at that. But hey, if you want to be on the show to talk about your mental health, your marriage, whatever's going on, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291.

Go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And hey, it is such a gift if you will take to me, to the team, but way more importantly than us. If you will take a second to like or subscribe to this show, it kicks it up in the algorithms for your friends and your neighbors. If you're thinking the world's gone crazy, why is everybody... If you will like and subscribe the show, it puts up into the algorithms and it kicks it into more people's feed and they'll click on it. And then we'll all be able to start talking the same language of healing and not being terrible

parents and loving our kids better and all those things we can do together. So like subscribe, do all the clicks and the whatever, send this show to people that you know. And, um, let's go out to New York city to the NYC and talk to Diane. What's up, Diane? Hello. Thank you for taking my call. Of course. Doing okay. Okay. I'm nervous. I'm sorry. Oh, don't be nervous. I'm not good at this. You know, you know that. So we're good. We're good. What's up? Okay. Okay. I'm nervous. I'm sorry. Oh, don't be nervous. I'm not good at this. You know, you know that. So we're good. We're good.

What's up? Okay. Alrighty. So, um, I'm, uh, been married, uh, almost 44 years. Been with my husband for 45. We got married very young. 44? 44 years in August.

It will be. You are straight gangster. Congratulations. Not really. Well, it hasn't been pretty to tell you the truth, but we've muddled through somehow. Hey, you're still walking, still walking. All right, so what's up? Well, we're actually headed for divorce.

Oh, God. Deloney, shut your mouth. Hey, I do that all the time. I get all excited about something, and I cut somebody off, and then you say, oh, well, now we're getting divorced. So sorry about that. I'm here celebrating you. Yeah, it's just anyways, you know, we've had our troubles through the years. But increasingly, my husband's always been a prepper.

We have a Y2K room, if that tells you anything. And so he's always been kind of in that mode, which has actually come in handy sometimes because two years, he's just on his iPad following conspiracy theories. He's still working, but he's just very, I'd say, brainwashed, to tell you the truth. It's quite sad. And he's done stuff. He's handled our money our whole life, which I realized that probably wasn't very wise. I mean, I've worked to most of our marriage, but I was the person that handed my paycheck over and I get a check per month and I have some credit card use. And I just didn't question because I believed he was putting our money in

savings and, you know, IRAs. And I think he used to be more conventional, but now I've found out that he's put it all in gold and silver and cryptocurrency. And he literally thinks the banks are crashing. And, um, yeah, just a lot of things he thinks, you know, so are y'all, are y'all getting divorced? Is that happening? Well, what happened was I just, so what happened was, you know, the reason it came to that is I just, I was just, we were just getting more and more

separate and, you know, he was just watching these news things and he kept saying, you know, anybody that got a COVID shot is going to die, you know, and just, I mean, just these really bizarre. Sure. Bizarre. Hold on. Answer my question, Dane. Are y'all getting divorced?

Because it's going to, it's going to impact how I answer this question. I don't know. Okay. For sure. That's when I wrote a letter, he kind of, I wrote him a letter saying, I'm just, I've been watching you and Dave Ramsey probably for the last six months. And so I decided to take a leap and just say, you know, I'm really afraid about what's going on.

We seem like more distance and I don't know what's going on with our finances. I'm worried about things you're doing. It scares me. And either we need to talk about this and get doing. It scares me. And either we need to talk about this and get counseling, or I don't know if we need to separate or get a divorce, but I don't want to live prepping for the end of the world and not enjoying life anymore. Good for you're ready. So he came the next night home from work and he didn't have anything written down.

But instead of talking about that, he brought up all the things I did in my past that hurt our marriage, you know,, and he said, you're right. We're not happy. We should just split. And I want, we have a very complex, we have three properties, you know, a business, yada, yada, yada. He told me what he wanted and that he was doing this, this, and this, and this. And I mean, I was really quite honestly shocked. And then I started asking him why I need the finances. You know, I mean, literally I, we spent eight hours one day unscrewing walls. Cause there's gold hidden in walls of all our properties and it took us that long to go. So, I mean, I think I have piles of silver somewhere, you know, and some in the walls, but, um,

here's what needs to happen ASAP. Okay. What? He doesn't want attorneys involved and I don't. That ship has sailed. I have four daughter, you know, it's just very complicated. Hold on, Diane. Yeah, I'm sorry. None of this is complicated. Okay. Yeah. you have a husband who's losing touch in front of you with reality yes and um he is it has left the ipad um brain relationship where it's just somebody getting transfixed by a screen. And now he is taking increasingly erratic,

unsafe behaviors. When I say unsafe, I'm not being dramatic here. He is putting you in exceptional financial risk. Yeah. If something happens to him, you are sunk because crypto and gold and silver are three of the stupidest investments you can make. And have people made money on crypto?

Of course. Way more people lost everything. Well, he already admitted that he lost a lot. And I don't know what, because he won't show me that, and I don't even understand that, nor does he understand that. He's not really a tech person. Here's what he gets. He gets 48 hours to come clean with where the finances are and where what is and what's been spent and what the debt ratios are and all that stuff. I would go to the credit bureaus and pull your credit reports.

Google it because there's a... Kelly, can you find that there's one site where you can pull your credit report from all three? Because you need to know what has been leveraged against you. What did... Well... Go ahead. I did get a little bit of information.

When this happened, I did say, I need all our financials within a week. And for what I know, he did produce that. I mean, he put all our IRAs and I don't even know how he moved mine to like a gold trust company. And most of the stuff, he's just taken out or he's lost it by making bad decisions. But listen, but listen, but listen. Okay. Okay. All right. I'm sorry. It's okay. It's okay. You've got a person who's not rational, who is doing things behind your back, who is investing in things, losing tons of money, putting your family at risk. And yet when you say, give me everything, you just trust everything you put in front of you.

I would not do that given the track record here. Okay. And given the fact that he walked in after you said, here's what I need for our relationship to stay whole. And he came in and said, I'm out and here's what I need. Here's what I'm going to take. So you've heard me say. Well then, I mean, because it's just, this has been two months of just horrific trying to sort it through and just the trauma of it all. And just the sadness of it all too.

Cause I mean, I feel like I'm talking to a stranger it's heartbreaking but he wrote a note today saying I'd like to work it out but so I'm going to come up with a list of all the things we have to do immediately so I was going to take that approach right so I mean I don't know if I don't know if I can get him out of this brainwashed thinking because I don't well I don't think I don't think there is there can be Kelly, what did you say that was? Annualcreditreport.com. Okay, so before the day is over, both of you have pulled up an annualcreditreport.com. That tells you what you owe.

Any hidden debts that he has piled up on his side, any debts he's taken out in your name with your social security number on your side, it lets you know what you owe. Yeah. Then he's already given you an accounting of all the IRAs that he's moved into gold. All of those go back. And I want you to call a SmartVestor Pro. And those are certified. I can only move my stuff though, I guess.

I don't know. I don't even know if anything's in my name, but I mean, I've been married 44 years. Yes, but what he said was, I want to work it out. And so your terms of,'s how what working it out means Is this? I need to know what this family owes you and me combined. I need to know where every penny is

I need to know every penny you've lost Number four i'm cutting the internet off to this house for 60 days No internet access in this home Just you and me. Number five, we're going to marriage counseling. And if you say no to any of these things, you are opting out of staying in this marriage. Because Diane, I'm telling you right now, I've sat with too many widows who just lost their husband who look at me with this.

It's a very unique look. And they say something along the lines of what do I do now? Because they don't know where the money is. They don't know where the titles are. They don't know what's insured, what's not insured. They don't know if their husband had wives that they didn't know. They don't know anything. You are so exposed right now.

And that's why I'm, you can hear it in my voice. That's why I'm so adamant. The only way you get control back on your life is if you grab it with both hands. And I would not ask a person who is detaching from reality right before your eyes to be the driver of building your new life. You've got to take the reins and you haven't had to do that for 44 years. You got to start now. Yeah. And I know that's terrifying. I know. Yeah. I have started and I do have a lot of the information, but I just don't know. I do have a lot of all the account numbers. I know the accounting, the things I've been able to get stuff. I've gotten keys.

I mean, we have internet everywhere though. He can go anywhere. We have several properties that have it. You know, I mean, we have a lot of assets. What I do know is our houses, all our properties are free and clear. Okay. That's awesome. That you know of.

That I know of. That you know of. Yes. I don't really know. But you don't know if he took a HELOC out against one of those properties and bought $300,000 for the crypto. He did pay back whatever he took out. He didn't do that. Because I saw, I've been opening the mail.

And it's all in his name. Some of them get shipped somewhere else. I don't know, but, uh, Diane, do you trust me that when I'm telling you that you are, you are so exposed right now? I, I trust you, but it's hard because there you go. It's very, he's somebody I've known since I was 17. And I feel like I'm betraying him too when I do these things. I don't want to get him in trouble. I don't know. I understand what you're saying. I know it is important.

No, no, no. Listen, listen, listen. You're right to have your heart broken. And you're right to miss your friend. And you're right to miss the man that you built a life with.

I mean, if you include 44 years of marriage plus knowing him, you've known him for half a century. I know. Right?

And so, I'm not telling you to not be heartbroken and be so sad that you're watching the person you've spent the majority of your life with just fall through your hands like sand, right? Through your fingertips. I get that. Yeah. And there's a reality that it's actually happening.

So you have to grieve this. This is hard and scary. And my deepest prayer is that he circles up and goes, oh, she's serious. I don't like living like this either. I don't know anybody in that space, in that mind frame that likes being there. And sometimes they get lost to it.

But other times they just need someone who loves them to flip a light switch on and say whoa You're about to lose everything All of your money all the homes your wife your daughters Because you are so down a rabbit hole

Of crazy stupid news conspiracies and everybody everybody listening, yes, some of these conspiracies end up being true. What are you going to do about it? Nothing. Nothing. So pulling, are all the banks going to fail? No, they're not. They're not. And if they are, let's say they do. If they do, having gold stashed in your walls will not protect you from what comes next. Because your neighbors will come after you for your water. You're talking about an apocalyptic movie. You're not talking about, oh, we're just going to pull the gold out so we can buy cars and get to work on time. That will be over. So stop with the conspiracy nonsense because you can listen to Diane.

This is what's left in the wake. Scared spouses, scared kids. Diane, it is heartbreaking, heartbreaking heartbreaking. I totally get it. I want you to stay on the line I'm gonna send you a copy of own your past change your future. Here's a book Here's the book is about dealing with the scary stuff in the past and then answering that scary question What are we going to do now because you and your husband are gonna have to build a new relationship Or you're gonna have to build a new relationship or you're going to have to build a new life. And all told, you have to take responsibility for what happens in your life. Even though this guy has been walking alongside you ride or die for 50 years, that appears to have changed. That means you got to change.

And it's going to be heartbreaking, angry, crying, rage. All those things are right. But you got to take control. Take control. Also, you know what, Diane? Stay on the line. I'm going to send you Financial Peace University for a year. I work for Ramsey Solutions for Dave Ramsey

and his flagship product, Financial Peace University, will walk you and your husband through how to deal with money in a non-insane way. Okay, so hang on the line. I'm gonna send you both of those things. That's on me, it's for free. And I want you and your husband to just say, as a condition of us staying together,

I want you to watch these videos with me. Okay, Dave Ramsey's helped millions and millions and millions and millions of people become millionaires and get out of debt and take care of their family legacy through common sense,

not through some internet IG down a YouTube rabbit hole hack. Love you, Diane, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. So sorry.

We'll be right back. All right, we are back. Let's go to Jeff in Orlando. What's up, Jeff? Yes. What's up, man? Not much. You? Just saving the world, dude. That's probably, I didn't tell the truth. I'm not saving the world. I'm podcasting. What's up man i'm not much so um you talk about in um your book on your past on your future all about the loneliness and everything how do you as someone that is mostly working solo and you know flying solo and day to day how do you make the space to like build those relationships and that,

you know, authentic stuff and not just have like a gazillion people. Oh, Hey, I know a guy and, you know, actually have those like real, like real,

you know, real friendships, real authentic stuff. That's a great question, man. Thank you for asking that question. Um, so I'm take it that you were, you have a solo stuff. Dude, that's a great question, man. Thank you for asking that question. So I'm taking it that you have a solo job. What do you do for a living?

I work in the landscaping green industry. Okay, so you got headphones on and you're cutting grass and weed eating all day long, huh? Yes. Pressure washing, sweeping, blowing the whole thing right yeah and unless i stop at like a gas station or a chick-fil-a or somewhere to you know use the bathroom or i forgot to pack lunch or something like that i usually don't interact with anybody okay and then are you married or do you live alone? I live alone. Okay. So reading that book, and on your past, change, and future, there's this whole chapter about loneliness.

Reading that book was probably unsettling to say the least. Is that right? Yeah. Because it's like, yeah, there's a lot of people I know. There's not a lot of people that, oh, hey, I need someone to drive me to the hospital at 3 o'clock in the morning or anything like that. There's no one fills that contact list. Can I tell you how impressed I am with you to have the courage to say that out loud? Because that's scary to say, isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah, dude. I'm proud of you for saying that. Now the next step is you got to go do something about it, right? So I think the first part of this shift and change starts with an identity change. That shift in who I am. Because right now you are a guy that freaking gets it done. You work hard. You're disciplined.

You knock your lights out. You do all the stuff. You're crushing it at work. You're doing it. And what I want you to do is to expand that identity. And you are somebody that is a great friend and has great friends. That's who you are. And it's weird math. And so when I say weird math, it never would have occurred to me in a million years that I would rather hang out with my seven-year-old daughter

than some of my knuckleheaded friends from back when I was a kid. And my seven-year-old daughter cost me all my money and takes up a lot of time and doesn't always sleep through the night. And you would think those things stacked up against wanting to be around them wouldn't work, right? Because if you have a friend that took all your money and didn't want to be around and didn't sleep, all that, you wouldn't want to hang out with them. So when I tell you the math doesn't work like on parenting, I want to tell you the math doesn't work on friendship either. I don't understand it.

But here's what I know. If you will invest and work really hard, as hard as you do on your landscape stuff, if you will work that hard to get a couple of guy friends in your life, to start hanging out, to have a group of guys, and I'll walk you through a few ideas I have. If you will do that, you will see exponential growth in your business also. You'll see exponential return on your health also, unless y'all get together and do stupid stuff. So you might think, I don't have time for this. I don't have time for that. I don't have time for that. I don't know how it works or why it works, but the invested time in human relationships and friendships always comes back exponentially in your work. Okay. Yeah. So you're now a guy who has friends and who is a

great friend. Sometimes for me, that means I call somebody on the way home from work. I start thinking about who I'm going to call on the way to the parking lot when I'm walking out. And we just chat on the phone. It could be people from all over the United States, from childhood, from when I was a little kid to just a few years ago. But I'll call somebody on the way home just to check in and chat and see how things are going. Another one is you can build time into gathering places because a cornerstone of having friends is shared experiences. So it might be the gym. It might be a softball league. It might be playing chess. Start teaching guys at your local church like, hey, I'm doing a how to fix your mower, how to do

pressure washing class after church. If y'all want to come hang. Another thing might be is once a week, you dedicate one half of a Saturday to going around and mowing lawns for people who don't have any money. And you invite some guys from, you know, your church or from wherever to come with you. And what you're doing is you're doing shared experiences and then everybody pitches in and y'all get pizza or y'all go grab lunch when it's all over. Here's all I can say is this. You have to be hyper extra intentional about it. So when I tell you that,

I know you've already thought of some of those things. What is your pushback? Like it, does it sound stupid or pie in the sky when I say those things? Oh, it's probably just the, you know, the maybe, I almost want to say the laziness of going, I don't even know if that's the right word, but going, well, you know, get home, I want, you know,

crack a cold drink and turn on the TV and, you know,azy Boy and go up some steaks and call it a day. And it's called, I can't think of two things as a grown man I would want to be called less than a boy and lazy. And that's the name of most of our prized possessions, that glorious recliner. And so, yes, there is a lazy, I don't say laziness, there is an intentionality component. You're going to have to choose a different kind of life that's going to be uncomfortable for a while. My promise is, my promise is, if you get two or three guys that are coming over having steaks with you a couple times a week And they're bringing some of the steaks and then one of them shows up with catfish and one of them shows up with venison, whatever And y'all are laughing and carrying on and playing cards instead of

Just watching tv You will find a richness in your life that you didn't know existed I my my deeper question is have you made it this far? Have you always just kind of been a do it on your own kind of guy? Or is this a recent shift in your life? Probably a little bit of both. Okay. I had a lot of friends growing up.

I hung out and wasn, a jock. I wasn't exactly a, you know, like, chess team or, you know, choir or, you know, I wasn't a particularly one, like, you know, particular group, but had people that I knew and various different things and would hang out with and do stuff. But I was, it was probably always like at least the feeling of, Oh, I'm the, you know, kind of like the wall, you know, the wallflower of on the outside looking in. Can I ask you a hard question, Jeff? Sure.

Why don't you think you're worth having friends? Because I'd be willing to bet you money that some of those people that you think you were just being a wallflower would count you as one of their buddies. Or to put it another way, I bet you a couple of those guys from high school that you hung out with would have called you if they got in a mess. But I know I've had a few people that have called me because like they're having marriage problems or they need some extra work or, you know, that kind of stuff. But it's, you know, it's like sometimes I guess it's sometimes it's the quiet ones that you watch out for because those, you know, having, you know, done a few various other jobs, like first, you know, you know, or people that I know that are in. I've got some people I know that are like first responders and stuff. And it always seems like they say the quiet ones are the ones that no one ever knows that stuff happens and it's like well I'm not saying anything

but on that it's just like I always seem to find it easier to be the one that people always call and it's hard to build the relationships to actually say hey let's go do pizza or let's blow some steaks on the grill. Because you think that they don't want to be around you. Or that you don't want to bother anybody. Jeff, you're not a bother.

You have to look inside internally and believe that people are going to be blessed by having you in their life. Not the other way around. Nobody's life is better when Jeff is not in it. That's not true. People's life is better. You make their life better by the job you do. You know what you give families

when you go mow their lawn and clean it up? You know what you give them? You give them time with their families. The single most precious resource that's ever been created in the history of the world. You give an exhausted mother and a completely fried father time with their family. Like you're a gift, man. And you also get to talk to all kinds of wackadoo people every day. When you take money, when you do their yards with their requests, all that kind of stuff.

You have a lot to offer, man. And it breaks my heart that you think you don't. Do you believe me when i tell you you do yeah okay then i want you to quit holding out on the world and hiding jeff from them here's what here's what i want you i want you to pretend and or practice. Make it a priority. Put it once or twice on the count, once, twice a week on your calendar.

I'm going to call a couple of folks to have them over. I'm going to go first. They can come to my house and I'm not cleaning up for you. And they need to bring a side dish. And you're going to, you're going to provide the steaks and the grill. And they can bring beers. They can bring dessert, whatever it is. And I want you to stay on the line.

I'm going to send you a whole bunch of packs of questions for humans so you'll have something to do instead of just staring at each other. Okay? That's going to be my gift to you. But you got to commit to practicing and trying it. And here's what I promise is going to happen. A bunch of times guys aren't going to be my gift to you. But you got to commit to practicing and trying it. And here's what I promise is going to happen. A bunch of times guys aren't going to show up. Several times they're going to show up and it's going to be super weird

because you're all going to realize you vote for different people and you're going to get mad. But there'll be one or two or three of the guys that you really sync with. You all end up going fishing one Sunday afternoon. One of those guys bails you out when you get sick and they cut your lawns for you and you cut them in on the deal

and you're going to realize that's my guy. Those are my guys. And you're going to be those guys for them. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. It's changing your identity to I'm a guy that is worth hanging around and it's about being extra intentional

I wish there was all my heart man. I wish there was a hack to this one I wish there was some secret like Like hidden algorithm for making friends. There's not you just got to go risk it You just got to go risk risk risk risk and got to go risk, risk, risk, risk. And understand that if you just go home from work every day to your lonely apartment, crack open a beer, turn on the TV, and hang out with Ted Lasso and all the cast of The Office, instead of hanging out with real people, your life is going to be shorter than other people. And more importantly, it's going to be less rich and less engaged and less joyful. It's not going to be a whole life.

And it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when the storms come. You will need other people. Other people are your emergency fund for life. You will need them standing by your side. So I say this from the bottom of my heart, Jeff, you're worth being friends with. Go make friends. Go be weird. Risk it all. And if they can't show up or they don't like you, that's on them. That has nothing to do with you. Go on to the next and go on to the next and go on to the next. You are worth having friends. Hang on the line here. We'll hook you up. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time.

It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past,

it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow, and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app.

They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the Hallow meditation on the scripture of

the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it, and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself and sometimes you do this with a group and hallow helps you with both download the number one prayer app on planet earth hallow right now and listen viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to hallow.com slash deloney it's amazing three free months of the app when you go to hallow.com slash deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, we're back, Jack. Let's go to Denver, Colorado and talk to dear Marie.

What's up, Marie? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? Partying. That's not true. I'm not partying. Yeah. What's up?

So I lost my husband about a year ago oh god hold on hold on hold on what happened uh PTSD he died by suicide yeah oh god

I'm so sorry Marie thank you um hold on take a breath take a breath take a breath take a big big deep breath

yeah don't blow by it I'm sorry thank you shortly after I lost him my best friend and her family were in a

severe car accident and it looked like they weren't going to survive. And their whole family survived and they're all relatively back to normal life right now. And I find myself really angry and jealous that their family is intact and mine is not? And how do I move forward with that friendship? Am I a monster for having these feelings? It's a lot. To answer the question underneath the question underneath the question here, you're not crazy.

And you're not a monster. No. Your anger and your jealousy and your frustration and heartbreak, that's all good and right. Or to be a nerd about it, it's totally normal. I'm sorry. Thank you. How do I move forward?'re like okay that was cute what I do now what was what was your husband's name Neil tell me about him um he was a veteran and probably the smartest guy i've ever met in my life um he was really an amazing husband and father and

he was somebody that we always joked with everybody's buddy he never never ever met an enemy and he was carrying around a suitcase full of full of darkness huh with everybody's buddy. He never, never ever met an enemy. And he was carrying around a suitcase full of, full of darkness, huh? Evidently. Did he leave you a note? He did. It didn't say much.

It didn't say much. Oh, just that he was sorry and that he loved me and trusted me to do what was best for our kids. And that he hoped we would see each other again someday. You know that's not your fault, Marie, right? I know and I know that you've spent every day of the last year asking yourself what if I had just said this what if I had done this what if I hadn't done that so hear me say this one's not on you

he's damn lucky to have you in his life thanks so the path out he's damn lucky to have you in his life. Thanks. So the path out is the path I was just, I was just trying to mirror for you. Okay. Or just trying to give you a picture of what it looks like. And it's slow and it's short and it's awful.

Something you have to practice. Okay. And the reason I'm telling you that is I don't want to lie to you because I don't want to get off the phone and you think balloons are going to fall from the sky because that's not how it works. Sure. Okay. What's going to happen is my,

one of my greatest friends in the world, his name's Trevor and Trevor was working at a print shop and he tore his bicep. He's a big muscle head. He's like the hottest guy in the world. And he was beef caking and he tore his bicep. He's a big muscle head. He's like the hottest guy in the world. And he was beefcaking and he tore his bicep and it rolled up on his shoulder and he got it surgically repaired. And he had to do all of this PT work, all this physical therapy. And he said it was brutal and it was hard and it hurt all the time.

And then after a while, he ran out of PT because his insurance quit paying. So he just went back to his regular life and he kind of favored it and favored it and favored it. And one day a box fell off at the print shop and he reached up and grabbed the box

just reflexively. And he remembers going, oh, that didn't hurt. Like that's, he was well. And so that's what's going to happen. If you'll do these things,

I'm going to tell you, what's going to happen is you you'll do these things I'm going to tell you, what's going to happen is you're going to just have an experience in six or nine months when you are going to be overwhelmed with gratitude and laughter and joy, and it will hit you on the way home. Oh, wait a minute. You see what I'm saying? Yeah.

That's what's going to happen. There's not going to be glitter or anything falling from what I'm saying? Yeah. That's how it's going to happen. There's not going to be glitter or anything falling from the ceiling. Okay. Sure. You spent the last year in a black hole. And if I'm being really truthful with you, you're going to be there probably for a little bit longer. Okay.

It's hard. Yeah. You got little ones too. Yeah. Um, my oldest is two and a half and, um and he died when I was three months pregnant. And so the baby is five months. Boys or girls? Girls.

So this will be hard for a long, long time. Okay. Okay. Okay. Because part of the story that's going to be your life is letting these little girls know that daddy was sick and that he loved them more than life itself. And you got a note that proves it. Yeah. Okay. So, number one, you've got to know you're not nuts and you're not crazy. When you get mad, when you get angry, when you see a dad holding his daughter, holding his other's hand walking in the mall and you just want to go punch him in the mouth that feeling is right it's okay you're not crazy don't go hit him because then you'll go to jail but i want you to

not be like oh my gosh what's wrong with me i'm the the worst. I can't believe. No. Go. Yeah. Yeah. That sucks. And then you spent the last year really pissed off that he left you hanging, right? Yeah. That anger is right too. But when you're able to, I want you to begin to also plus the anger, not the anger goes away, plus the anger.

Remember how he lit up a room. And remember the joy he brought to other people. And remember how he made you feel when you were down that one time. What we're doing is we are slowly but surely turning our dial to one of darkness, to one of light, to one of gratitude. To use a word that has been beaten to death in the Instagram world. And what we're going to do with your friend is it's literally practicing.

We're going to practice honoring that family. Practice by writing them a letter about how happy you are for them and never give it to them. Just practice writing that. And say the words in that letter because no one's ever going to read it. I'm so freaking pissed off that my life, like my family got busted up and yours gets to remain whole. I'm so grateful y'all are whole. See what I'm saying? All we're doing is practicing. When you're around them and you feel

sorrow and you feel your chest get tight, that's all okay. But I want you to practice feeling it, not just getting so righteously indignant and angry that you wallpaper over it. Okay. You're going to miss Neil for a long, long, long time. And that's ultimately what that anger is, is I miss my guy, like my forever guy, I miss him. Yeah. Right miss him. Yeah. Right?

Yeah, you're absolutely right. You also need to find a friend or two that you can say these things out loud to because you can't do this by yourself. Grief demands a witness. So you're going to have to find one or two women that you can text that you really trust with your soul or that you can call and say, I'm going to visit so-and-so and her stupid freaking perfect husband still has all his hair and didn't cover himself up in tattoos and doesn't have a jacked up Jeep out in the... He's going to be there too.

And they need to be able to go boo with you on your side, right? Yeah. And then you can walk in and your chest is going to get tight and you're going to see this guy. He's going to smile and say, welcome to our house. And your girlfriend's going to be there and your daughters are going to run in the house and you're going to feel it for a second.

Damn it, Neil, you should be here too. And then we're going to walk in and we're going to smile and we're going to choose gratitude. Not choose faking. We're going to choose gratitude. Look how beautiful this house is. Look how beautiful this marriage is. And what you'll find is if you commit to practicing this over time,

in addition to feeling your anger, feeling so mad. And by the way, this anger will come in waves. This grief comes in waves. It's going to be four years old when your daughter hears something from somebody at school and comes home and wants to have another conversation about her daddy. God, you're going to get pissed again that you have to have this conversation. You got to tell her, you know what I mean? This is going to be part of your story. Those are all okay. They're all okay.

If nothing else, you hear me say, you're not screwed up. You're not messed up. You're not irredeemable. You're not a monster. You're a mom who loves her two baby girls, and you're a wife who is heartbroken because you lost your forever guy. Yeah. Have you written him a letter yet?

I told him you hate him. No, nothing so formal as writing a letter. You got to do that. I always tell people to write three letters. You got to tell them to write in the letter about how mad you are, how upset you are, how frustrated and angry you are. You got to write him a letter that tells him how sad you are. Then you got to write him a letter that it's going to let him know who you're going to become in the coming years. What he's going to miss.

Because Marie is going to be the best single mom that the world has ever seen. And she's going to make meaning of this madness. And you're going to not forget the name Neil. Because Neil was all right. Neil was just sick. Yeah. But those three letters are important

because it takes what's in that, in your body and puts it out into the ether. It also gives your body permission to be angry and really sad

and optimistic all at the same time. Will you commit to that? I will, yeah. And then the fourth letter is that pretend letter. God help you don't send it. Please don't send it to your friends where you're practicing.

No, we're good friends, but I don't know that we're that good. Hey, I have an un... As my wife says, I'm awkward in what conversations I will just have at the dinner table with our friends. Because I thought every friend group did that, but evidently they do not.

But I even would be weirded out if someone was like, man, I really, just being around you really pisses me off and makes me mad. Like I would be like, I don't know what to do. So yeah, maybe a counselor, maybe a good person or some other friends. But what we're going to do over the next one to two to five to six to 10 years is slowly turn that dial from one of black hole to one of gratitude.

And when you see a whole family, it becomes something that you quietly pump your fist and you say, hell yeah. When you see a broken family or a family experiencing loss, you're going to beeline to them because you're going to have been there and you're going to be able to look somebody in the eye and put your hand on both sides of their face and say, I know you call me anytime. But that's not for now. Right now it's still healing. That's for healing right now. So start with writing Neil letters, all three of them.

And listen to me. I'll be with you all through this. You holler anytime I can help. Walk alongside me. I mean, I'm walking alongside you any way I can help. And I want you to hang on the line.

I'm going to send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future. It's a measly gift I can give to you. That's all I got. Actually, i'm going to send you a copy of own your past change your future um just it's a measly gift i can give to you it's all i got um actually i'm going to send you the parents and kids cards it'll be something fun for you and your daughters to play with it's the questions even though i guess you told me they're really really young so you may put them in a drawer for a few years um but i want you to read on your past change your future as just here we are this is what grief feels like this is what grief looks like and then what are we going to do next i'm so grateful for you i'm heartbroken with you we're all heartbroken with you marie we'll be with you with next steps

thank you so much for being brave thank Thank you for the call. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. So a few months ago, Kelly showed up to work and she, I mean, it was pretty gangster. She had shaved her head except for like long bangs like skaters did back in the 80s, like old Tony Hawk. It looked really dope. Now she's got this wig thing.

I don't know what she's doing, but she had shaved her head completely. And on the back of her head, it was this intense tattoo. At first, I thought it was like a planet. It wasn't. It was a huge bug. And if you get a look on top and like kind of look over her um and she yeah it's a whole thing um usually she's sitting at her desk and asking people to like fan her and things like that so there's people always lording over her all the time just as a part of her

dominion but she has this big tattoo on the back of her it's like the size of my palm and it's a bug you should not cover this one up and i know you got a lot of grief for shaving your head but it the back of it. It's like the size of my palm. And it's a bug. You should not cover this one up. And I know you got a lot of grief for shaving your head, but it was dope when you did it. But, listen, it was a Beatle. I didn't realize that the Beatles were one of our favorite bands in the world. And it was really rad, and it looks cool. And I'll give you this.

I'm not a Beatles fan. I've tried to become, and I just, I can't hang. I can't hang. But good for you for being the world's a Beatles fan. I've tried to become, and I just, I can't hang. I can't hang. But good for you for being the world's biggest Beatles fan. Tattoo on her head. That's incredible. Song's called With a Little Help from My Friends, and it goes like this.

What would you think if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me? Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song and I'll try not to sing out of key. I get by with a little help from my friends. And Kelly gets high with a little help from her friends. I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends. What do I do when my love is away? Does it worry you to be alone?

How do I feel by the end of the day? Are you sad because you're on your own? Now I get by with a little help from my friends. Kelly gets really high with her friends. I'm going to try with a little help from my friends. Everybody, go make friends. Cherish them. Cherish them. We'll see you soon.