The Dr. John Delony Show - Hopelessness, Anger, & Survivor's Guilt After Hurricane Ida

Episode Date: September 27, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode Mailbag: John reads your poems Just experienced Hurricane Ida & I'm struggling with survivor's guilt Grieving my husband's brain damage after a car accident   Lyrics of the Day: "Ballad of Jayne" - L.A. Guns   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: grief, anger/resentment/bitterness, marriage, parenting, kids   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk a lot about trauma. We talk about trauma after a hurricane. We talk about trauma after a hard car wreck. We talk about trauma of letting foster kids go. How we deal with it, how we love, stay tuned. What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. We are dancing and singing and checking out James' new khakis

because, boy, he loves talking about those. And we hope you are doing well. If you're the first time to ever listen to this show, you probably don't know who James is or anything about his khakis, and you're better off for it. This is the Dr. John Deloney Show where we talk about mental health and wellness and relationships and parenting and education and everything. And sometimes we talk about James' pants.

James is the producer of this show, and God Almighty, he's always talking about how cool his clothes are. Let the record show that I'm not wearing khakis. Man, talk about making the show weird. What are you wearing? You made it weird. I show that I'm not wearing khakis. Man, talk about making the show weird. What are you wearing? You made it weird. I did. I'm sorry. Man, the number of times I've heard that in my life. No, you made it weird.

You're right. Kelly, are you wearing khakis? I played the fifth. Are you really? That's so cool. How cool. I've got my corduroys. Corduroys. Wow, 84. That's cool. Good to see you.

And that's the year I was born. That's the year you were born? Dang, Grandpa Nick. Kelly just fro'd her brow. Sorry, Grandma Kelly. You're not that much younger than me. I disagree. When I said you made this weird, I didn't mean this episode.

I just mean from day one. You've made this weird. I love it. That's what my wife says about our marriage. Like, John, you made this so weird. It didn't have to be weird. Hey, listen. A few months ago, I said,

you as the listener, if you will email, I mean, if you will write me letters with poems in them. I guess I did a poem about James. I forgot this. I did a poem about you, James. And I think it was remarkable. And I asked people to mail letters in. Good God almighty, you sent letters in.

I've got stacks. I'm like a mailman now. The guy that sits next to me, Ken, was like, what is happening over here? It's like Harry Potter. Like an owl just drops things down all the time, except there's no owls. That's what makes it even weirder. But we're going to do a mailbag here. So I'm going to read some of the letters you sent in. I hope you were serious.

I've accepted your poem writing challenge. Get ready. I'll present to you the greatest poem of all time. Here it goes. Come on, man. Thanks, Heidi. The poem is, James is super rad.

Kelly carries herself with poise. The Dr. John Deloney Show is my favorite fan, forever a fan, is my favorite, forever a fan of the horse noise. Heidi, you totally redeemed yourself there at the end. Feels like a win-win for both of us there I think we all win, Kelly As always, you lost

Alright, let's see here Smoke's on a stick Some of y'all sent in notes And y'all need to go to therapy now Like right now Don't stop, go Don't collect $200 And if you don't even know what that is

You're too young Alright, here we go Hey, John, I accept your challenge Here's my poem Obviously, I accept your challenge. Here's my poem. Obviously, I can't write poems. I don't remember the stanza or rhyming rules. There is no rules.

And please consider Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd for being the best song ever written. I will take that into account. Thank you so much. All right. This poem is entitled Deloney. Deloney, Deloney. Deloney, Deloney. He never talks baloney. Told you, Kelly.

He shows up to teach us how to love. Every time I listen, I feel like a special dove. Yes. When he says, best song ever written, I am even more smitten. Is this a love letter? Are you going to kill me at the end of this? Carry on, brother John, to help us all have a special bond. When our time is done, we will know you helped us make a difference in so many others'

existence. Now, go outside and play. Dude! Joanne! Brought some smoke. And you didn't even mention James and Kelly, which is cool. We'll do one more. This one's written like a serial killer.

This poem's entitled John. This could be about a commode or me. John, are you listening? John, is that a horse I hear? Listen, good folks. Five bucks. Stand up. Move forward.

What does that mean? John, stop counting. We are here. Community. Your people. Poem for John. I are here. Community. Your people. Poem for John. I'm a super fan. Thank you for being you, Kelly, and James, too.

Good jobs, all. Thank you. I don't think you need therapy, but you need morning drinks. You should start drinking earlier. I don't know when you start drinking, but it should be earlier. Thanks to everybody for your poems. Dude, these are going to get awesome, but I need you to screen some of these. Holy smokes.

Whoa. That might have been my favorite segment of the whole show. What's that? This is going to be my new favorite thing on the show. Here we go. Hey, Dr. John, I was listening to an episode of your show on July 28th. To the introduction, you challenged listeners to write you a poem and mail it with a stamp. I decided to accept the challenge. Here's another haiku. I wrote a poem. It's bad. I've got 10 billion hours to improve. Nick. Nick, thank you.

I'm going to be sitting in a deer stand sometime in the middle of the winter trying to decipher this poem in you and your 10 billion hours. Thank you, Nick. I'm going to publish these. We're going to publish all of these. Whoa. Whoa. All right. What should we do on this show?

Maybe take the first call. All right. Hey, let's go to John in one of my favorite places on the planet, Houma, Louisiana. What's up, brother John? How you doing, Dr. D? I'm all right. Hey, listen, Houma, some of my favorite memories of my life are in Houma, Louisiana.

Some of the greatest crawfish, greatest shrimp, greatest fishing trips of my life. I had some loved ones. What an amazing small community. I love it right there on the bayou. It's awesome. So you've actually been here? Oh, yeah. Hey, can I tell you a funny story?

But it's going to sound like I'm mocking people at home, and I'm not. Can I tell it to you? Oh, yeah, sure. So we were fishing, and I caught this gigantic turtle turtle it was like on my fishing line and we got it in and i wanted to like take care of it was just a big red ear turtle and i know people eat i've eaten snapping turtle i love snap turtle soft shell turtle this is just a big old like red ear turtle and i got the hook out of his mouth i got some pliers and if you ever tried to deal with a big turtle trying to bite you too and they got a hook in of his mouth. I got some pliers. And if you ever tried to deal with a big turtle, they're trying to bite you too.

And they got a hook in their mouth and it's a whole thing. And so we get it off and the turtle's just staring at us. And so I take my foot and I don't kick him, but I'm just edging him back into the water. And this man, he's probably, he looked like 111 years old,

but he was down the bayou from us. And he just goes in that French accent, boy, and he comes was down the bayou from us, and he just goes in that French accent, boy, and he comes running down the bayou, boy, kick that turtle, and he took the turtle, and he just took it home to eat it, and I remember thinking, this is home to Louisiana. It was incredible. It was incredible. It's one of my favorite places on planet Earth. Oh, I love it, man.

Is that where you're born and raised? Yes, sir. Oh, good for you, man. What a man what a great community so brother how can i help man well i think you know the big question um we just went through a hurricane ida down here yeah you did man um and it really affected – I mean, more than Houma and Thibodeau and the terrible on the first parishes. But it's just hard to describe. I tell people – when people talk to me, I said, I think I'm having a little bit – the main question is that I think I'm suffering through survivor guilt. Tell me about that. Okay. That's the about that. Okay. That's the first one.

Basically what it is is that I had to stay because my mother-in-law, who we live with, says I'm not evacuating. So then the wife says I can't leave my mom. And I said, well, I guess that means I've got to stay. Yes. Hey, that's I gotta stay. Yes. That's the, hey, that's the home away. Yeah, it is.

Down here, I mean, she's 77, so she's just really set in her ways. And now, granted, I knew where we lived at. I wasn't going to have to worry about storm surge because we live far enough inland, but I knew we were going to have some issue

with some wind and stuff because we had a huge oak tree in the backyard. That's right. And I had a real stressed hat. Let me stop you right here. And I think this is important for the listener to know. This is going to come out a month or two after Hurricane Ida has run through. And we live in a clickbait culture.

This was a big deal. We watched it on the news all across the country. Everyone was checking in on hurricane, hurricane, hurricane. And by the time people are listening to this, we've already moved on to the next Kardashian thing, the next Kanye West thing, the next whatever tragedy happens to be. And the people at home in Louisiana are still walking outside trying to figure out where electricity is.

They're trying to figure out how to put that big piece of tin back on their roof or keep the tarp on the roof because the insurance adjusters haven't come out. There's real people still living in this stuff. And as a guy who did crisis, I always showed up after the media was leaving. And you're sitting with folks who are thinking, how do I, like everything in my life is in tatters. How do I put this thing back together? And so, man, John, I appreciate you calling. And for the listener, I never want people to forget the human beings left in the wake of these things. There's always humans. These aren't headlines. These aren't clicks.

These aren't, and then onto the next thing. These are people living in these moments. So John, y'all wrote it out. You stayed through and then tell me where you're at now. You got survivor's guilt. What else, man? Yeah, and actually managing my tempo and I guess the frustration level is where I guess like the big thing. Like you said, everyone's doing the clickbait thing. They go there and they say poor New Orleans or poor Jefferson Parish. And yes, they did get hit. I'm not saying they didn't. But if anyone followed the track of the storm, it came up those lower river parishes

and bayou parishes. And a lot of people are angry about that because they just don't see it. But then also, you're dealing like with us. We have a few people that came, stayed with us, and you're not used to them.

You get that little aggravation when you don, you're not used to them, you get that little aggravation when you don't do something exactly like you like to do. Yeah, yeah. Or your family, or your family is giving you 10,000 things to do with advice or you, yeah, you're trying, okay guys,

I'm the one who's stuck down here and most of my family did evacuate and then when it was saying, well, we want to come home, and I'm like, I'm telling one who's stuck down here. And most of my family did evacuate. And then when he was saying, well, we want to come home. And I'm like, I'm telling my mom, don't come home. We have no hospitals. They shut down the hospitals. We have no water.

Power's still not on. And you want to come home. And you are elderly. Stepdad is elderly. Y'all both have conditions. Don't come home. I've never seen anything like this. During Katrina, I was an offshore worker at that time, so the day after the storm, I had to go out there and do jacket inspections.

I was what they call an ROV operator. And so I was checking all the ROVs. So I never got firsthand experience of really seeing the devastation. I just saw like everybody else did on news or whatever we got. Driving around my town in the surrounding areas, my God, this is... It's a war zone, huh? I think that's what I told y'all in the email. This is a war zone. I mean, this is... Oh, I didn't even read the email. I didn't know. But yeah, I grew up in Houston, man. So I've seen these things.

And it's... It's mind-boggling. Every day I went to a different section to try to go help someone out or something. And I'm seeing new damages. I'm seeing buildings that have been up for all my life and they're crumbled. It is just...

I mean, we're fortunate now. The good news is power has been getting restored slowly but surely my neighborhood probably won't get power for another two days but we do have a backup a standby generator so we're doing okay like I said and that's where the survivor guilt comes in

I mean I look at what we had I have this old house that I lived in that we're living in and we really didn't suffer that much damage. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. You're doing it like a good, tough guy will do it, okay? Yeah. And I know a lot of tough women who do this too, but I'm just talking to you, my brother and homo.

I don't care how bad somebody else had it or how good somebody else had it. You went through hell. And you were scared. And everything you know is different now. Oh, yeah. There was a level of uncertainty and a level of, there's a level of this is the way we do it in Houma. And that same thing, by the way, is the way we do it in Nebraska. This is the way Kansas people respond, and this is the way Texans respond.

And New Yorkers, every small geographical region has their ethos, their way of doing stuff. And when you drive through your neighborhood and it is leveled, these places where you went and played, where you had fun, where you kissed your first girl, all those things are gone. Or, or and or, we just don't ever have a concept in our head of a day without electricity. Like, electricity can just go off. There can just be a place with no hospitals. And you get to see what so much of the other world lives with on a daily basis. Oh man, this is a gift, right? And it's scary.

So listen, I don't care how bad somebody else has it. You get to own your grief. Comparing your grief to somebody else doesn't make them feel better. It just takes your pain and squashes it. And you know where it comes out? In anger. And it comes out in frustration. And it comes out in anxiousness. And it comes out in not being able to sleep. And so the first thing you got to do here, how old are you? 54. 54. You've seen a lot. You've been through a lot. You're a good man who loves his wife, who takes care of his elderly parents and his elderly in-laws. You're a good man.

Thank you. I want you to exhale and get out a piece of paper and just jot down, I'm hurt, and this was scary, and we don't have any hospitals, and I'm worried about the future of my town, of my community, of my parents, of all that stuff. And your body is going to roll out of fight or flight, which it's still in. Every time you drive around your community, it's there. You're running and gunning. You've been on adrenaline and cortisol for the last week,

last two weeks, right? You're buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing. At some point, you got to come off that. And you got to sit down and let your body know, I'm here and I'm present and I'm heartbroken and I'm sad. And that, that ash, that is the soil that will grow the new trees. That's the soil where healing will happen, where then you will then gather the strength and the community and the resilience to say, are we going to stay here? Are we going to move?

Are we going to rebuild? Are we going to ride it out? Like, what is this going to look like for us? Comparing, yes, it's so frustrating that New Orleans gets all the news. I get that. Worrying about that and being angry about that is poisoning your body, hoping somebody else will suffer. It does nobody any good. Right.

Right? And I know it's like, man, I know everyone's forgotten about us. You haven't. Your neighbors haven't. Your community hasn't. The media has. And since when do we start listening to those folks, man? They're off.

You know what I'm saying? I'm not going to give them that power in my life. I'm not going to give them the power to fire off my cortisol and my adrenaline and my fight or flight and my cytokine response. I'm not going to give them the opportunity to cause inflammation in my body that's going to make me die younger. I'm not giving them that power. What I'm going to do is I'm going to love my family. I'm going to keep driving around my neighborhood and finding ways to serve. I'm going to go to work and work hard as I can.

And I'm going to grieve this thing because it sucks. It's heartbreaking. Right? That's where you're at. And that's been the good thing. Honestly, that's been the good thing. The last three days up and at my church volunteering and unloading trucks and giving out food and supplies

and stuff I wish more people in the world were like you no no no don't be a home of Louisiana 54 year old man say thank you say thank you I'm a good man thank you I'm a good man there you go you are

yeah I mean I got called back to work and that's where I'm heading I'm a good man. There you go. You are. Yeah. I mean, I got called back to work and that's where I'm heading to right now. Good. And so, but you're right. I am grateful and I am grateful that I survived. And I am grateful that I'm seeing this because I can now get a better perspective of how most of the rest of the world lives in some of these conditions. But in addition to being grateful, you can be heartbroken too. I want you to spend some time being sad because this is sad.

I don't want you to blow over this. I don't want you to try to white knuckle this. I don't want you to snap into a Slim Jim. I'm going to crush it. You got to take some moment to grieve this. I can't be a normal man and tough it up. No, no. Cause you're going to die like one. You're right.

You're right. And there's a reason tough guys lead the world in heart attacks and strokes and organ disease failures and addiction. It's because we're like,

yeah, okay, on to this. You got to take it and process it. And if you're a real crazy guy, you can go sit with your wife and hold her hand and say, can we just go sit on the porch and be sad for a minute? I'm heartbroken about my town. And she may say, she may not even know what to do.

She may just start crying out of sheer joy. Or she may call you a wimp. I didn't marry no softy guy with his feelings. And you can look at her and say, hey, I'm heartbroken here. Believe it or not, we've been doing that. I do exactly what you say.

Touch the face. Yeah, look at that. Listen, you didn't even need to call me, brother. You are a good man. Your community is so lucky to have you. Your family's lucky to have you. What I want you to do is to own the crap of this. And then here's the magic, man. When you look and you see that just swath of devastation, right? The 100-year-old trees are

knocked over. The 200-year-old trees are knocked over and the buildings are flooded and they're condemned and there's no hospital. Here's what it is. It is, I'm going to take a series of tiny steps and get through today. Right? And then tomorrow I'm going to get up. I'm going to take the small steps that I need to do tomorrow. And I'm going to challenge you to get a note card. It's what I carry around with me and just say, here's what I can do today. I can go to work. I can check in on my mom and dad. I can check in on my mother-in-law. I can check in on my wife. I can run over to my church and serve.

That's what I can do today. And then you're going to cross those suckers off and you're going to keep a gratitude journal just to remind yourself what you're grateful for. And you're going to get up tomorrow and you're going to do it again. And here's what will happen over the next two, three, five, six months. Homa's tough. Thibodeau Parish is tough. Y'all will rebound. It'll look different. Y'all are all going to be different, but you're going to stand up tall again. The sun's already out. It's hot. Those mosquitoes that are as big as crows are already flying around, right?

They'll be there. The fish will come back, right? You will stand up tall, but it's just going to take a series of tiny steps to get there. And I want you to have that note card that you pull out every day because you can keep track of your progress and things are going to feel like they're spinning out of control. They're not moving fast enough. You can control John's little steps every

day, right? Yes, sir. And last thing, you got another guy in your life that I'm not moving fast enough. You can control John's little steps every day. Right? Yes, sir. And last thing, you got another guy in your life that's your age that you can just holler at? You can go sit down? Yeah, one of the guys I work with. Good. Please make sure you do that. And y'all can talk crap and politics and make up dumb jokes and whatever, make fun of people.

That's what you do. I want to make sure you got somebody that's not your wife, that you don't feel responsible for owning, right? Not owning, but you don't feel responsible for their care, right? That you can just sit down and unload with. Someone that you love and someone that cares for you. Sounds good. But listen to me, brother.

I, as just a guy living in the United States, we see a lot of nonsense on the news, man. So much nonsense. And what I know is there's more Johns out there than there are not. And you have restored my, I'm smiling right now, man, because of you. Guy who loves his community,

loves his neighborhoods, out there serving, out there willing to do the hard stuff and sit on his porch and just be sad with the woman he loves. He's going to grieve this on his own. He's going to go reach out and talk to people, and he's going to take care of the tiny little things he can do every little day, those little steps.

I can't try to solve the world. I can't turn the hospitals on and get all the power back up tomorrow, but I can go move some boxes off of a truck. I can make sure I'm moving my body. I can make sure I'm eating some of that crawfish. And hey, if there's some little boy that catches a big turtle and cook that up too, that's what you're going to do, right?

I'm so grateful for you, John. Thank you so, so, so much for the call. We'll be thinking about home in Louisiana and that swath of the world. Don't forget the humans down there. And if you've got some time, if you've got some energy, some resources, make sure you are looking those folks up

and taking care of them. They're struggling, struggling, struggling, but they're going to come back, especially if we all come back together. Stay tuned. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season

for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst.

If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our

true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy and you can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go to Grace in Grand Rapids, Michigan. H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney.

All right, we're back. Let's go to Grace in Grand Rapids, Michigan. What's up, Grace? Oh, not much. How about you? You know, I was going to say we're saving the world, but we for sure aren't. I'm running a middling podcast over here in Nashville, Tennessee,

but I'm glad to be talking to you. What's going on? Okay, so about a month ago, I woke up to a knock on my door from a state trooper saying that my husband was in a car wreck. Yikes. What happened? He was on his way to work, and a woman blew through a stop sign and got him pretty good. Oh, man. I'm so sorry. So where is he at now? How is he? At the time, he was in critical condition, which is something nobody wants to hear.

You have little ones. Yes, we have, um, three little ones, five and under. So it's pretty busy around here. Grace. I'm so sorry. Yeah. Um, he has severe brain damage due to it. Okay. Um, he is currently in a nursing and rehab facility right now to try to get him back on his feet as much as possible. Is he awake? Um, he is awake. Um. Does he have speech and eye movement and auditory and sensory stuff? His eye movement is getting much better. Okay.

And they just started speech therapy with him this week. Okay. Does he recognize you when you're there? We think so. He especially will try to move his mouth when his parents are in the room and grandparents. Okay. And especially the kids. That was when the kids came to visit him.

That was the first time he actually was crying. Okay. You know, that's a really remarkable sign, right? Oh, yes. Yes. There's so much, even just in little things, that God has been showing that he's still here for a reason, you know, um, we keep hearing, he should have died. He should have died on the operating table. He should have this, but he's still here. I'm so sorry. So how can I help you today? I'm so sorry,

man. Thank you. Um, the biggest thing right now is it's going to be at least two to five years, hopefully, before he comes home. There is a possibility he might not come home again. The kids have been wondering when daddy's coming home, especially our oldest, who's five. I know they're going through a traumatic experience, just the fact of daddy not being there. And I'm just wondering how to help them in that. Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man. I'm so sorry, Grace. Thank you.

So there's a lot here, and if you and I were just talking in person, I'd probably spend the next 10 minutes just in a hug. Who's walking alongside you with this? Do you have family? Do you have friends that are connected with you guys in any way? So both of our families are pretty big. So there's probably a total of like 40 family members alone. So you got the opposite. It's like you just need a glass of water and you're getting a fire hose,

right? People have been coming out of the woodwork we didn't even know existed. We honestly have more people taking care of us than we know what to do with. And we're both introverts. So that kind of makes it even more hilarious.

People have been giving And we're both introverts, so that kind of makes it even more hilarious. Oh, gosh. Jeez Louise. People have been giving us meals and asking what they can do around the house, childcare, anything basically we needed. Yeah. So I think I've talked about this on this show, but my oldest and best friend on planet Earth was one of his friends ran a stop sign and was hit by a car. And we spent some multiple days and nights sleeping on an ICU floor and went through the whole TBI recovery process and all that stuff. And everything's different now, 20 years later, everything's different. And we still obviously are in contact almost every day, but well, I've never been married to anybody. I don't have kids. That's

a whole other layer and level that stunned, just hit by a bus feeling that you have oh my gosh my heart breaks um so when it comes to kids we can just focus on that one today and then i want if you'll if you're okay with it over the next couple of weeks next couple of months i want to keep checking in with you um i've been down this road and i would love to just check in with you. Okay. And make sure anything you need, you can holler at us and you're going to have more people around you giving you bonkers advice and telling you what you should be doing and how you should be doing it and all that stuff. And sometimes just having a neutral person to call and just say, well, what in the world? I want to make sure that you know that we're always going to be here with you. Thank you. When it comes, let me just put it this way. This is a month ago, you said? Yes. Okay. Over the next 30 to 60 days, you're going to be able to breathe again. And my guess is maybe a couple of days here and there for an hour or so,

but my guess is you haven't fully breathed yet. And when you hear things like it could be two to five years, there's a part of you where that registers, and a part of you it could be a thousand years, or hey, we're going to go to Mars. I mean, it feels like you're hearing some of this stuff underwater, right? Yeah. And then some days you surface and you wake up

and you've slept a little bit deeper than you have and you look over and he's not there. It all comes back like a giant tidal wave. And then you got three little kids that you got to feed and go to the bathroom and they're asking questions like, where's daddy and I miss daddy. And one of them will just start crying and yelling and then it becomes really hard to breathe. Am I saying it about right?

Yes. And I did have a talk with the two oldest that, you know, everybody's sad right now just because daddy is not here. We all miss daddy. We want him to come back. And they have expressed, you know, they're sad too because they miss daddy.

Of course. But they have a little photo album each, pictures of them and daddy playing. And so they'll look through that before they go to bed. And it helps them kind of just seeing pictures of him comforts them a little. Having them, well, so let me back out. One of the greatest things you can do for them is to tell them the truth, to not hide your grief from them. Don't overshare, but they're a part of this process with you. And one of the things that we often try to do is protect our kids.

And in a situation like this, this is trauma that most people will never understand. When they cry, we say it's going to be okay, and it's not. It's not. Everything's different. And when we cry, we need to, we go in the other room and they feel crazy if we do that. And so in the days that you cry and they're in the room, put your arms out and say, can you, can we snuggle? And no, and you can just say, I'm missing daddy. And that is a lifeline to a kid. We've had lots of snuggles and they definitely have seen me cry and they know why.

They just say, I miss daddy too. And I'm like, yep. And the challenge here, here's the other challenge, that they don't become your comfort blanket, right? They can't fill that gap for you. And sometimes it's, they are the next closest thing to him, right? They can't fill that gap for you. And sometimes it's, they are the next closest thing to him, right? And it's easy to make them, like they become your support blanket, if you

will. And so making sure you've got adults. So the number one thing when I, when folks say, what can I do for my kids in a moment like this? I tell them, you make sure you're taking care of you, that you're grieving, that you've got people around you, that you're sleeping, that you're eating, that you're going for walks, that you're moving your body, that you're doing those things that are going to keep your heart and head as clear as they possibly could be while you're trying not to drown in grief. Right. Believe me, my sisters and sisters-in-law have been making sure I'm eating and drinking and that they get people around me when they're not there. Good, good, good, good. So here's the second thing.

Draw boundaries and do not apologize. I can't tell you the number of people who I've talked to over the years who have a loved one pass away or in a car wreck or they get a cancer diagnosis and their full-time job becomes taking care of everyone around them, making sure they're all okay, right? And you now know that you have become a beacon to other people. Your husband's become a beacon to people that y'all love, that life is fragile and it can go away at any moment. And you can just be driving to work and somebody runs a stop sign and it's all over, right? Or that life turns

on a dime and people don't know what to do with that. And they need you to make them feel like it's all going to be okay. And I need you to hear me say, that's not your job. Your job is to take care of you and to love your kids. And so when you get 8,000 texts a day, you can feel free as a bird to respond to none of them. Zero of them. You don't owe anybody that. You don't owe anybody thank you notes for their meals. You don't owe anybody, you know what I mean? Like, I'll come over and clean up your house or mow your lawn. You don't know anybody that. You owe you the opportunity to begin to process this and heal. And you owe your husband just a hand to hold right now and your kids and your kids and your kids. I want you to feel as free as possible to set strong boundaries and say thank you and then go on.

And accept the help. Yes, that's been the most difficult for me because i'm the giver not the receiver so all this has been very humbling there we hate games change now sister right so if someone wants to mow your lawn rock on mow it somebody or you know what's awesome you're gonna have one or two family members who are like super uber go-getters you can sit with them and say here's what i need you to do i need you to schedule lawn care for the next year. And they will, that'd be such a gift for them. And you can tell them, I don't want to cook for the next 11 years, set it up. And they will be like, yes. And they'll get a spreadsheet out. Every family's got that person, right? You can give them that gift and that you are going

to have to learn just to say, thank you and say, yes, I need some help. I need some help with some laundry. I need some help with some laundry. I need some help with my kids. Does that make sense? Yes. Actually, his aunt has been in charge of the meal train and child care, getting that scheduled. And my father-in-law has been taking care of just anything that needs done around the house, getting everything on auto pay for bills and setting up things and all that stuff. Great, great, great, great, great, great, great. How are you guys financially?

I got more help than I know how to deal with. How are you guys financially? We are okay. We had that three to six months of expenses saved. Awesome. And because so many people have been so generous, we have not touched that at all. Great. Did you have short-term or long-term care insurance?

That is in the works, as we speak. But your husband had that at his employment? Yes. Okay, fantastic. So, so good. What a gift. I've been in these situations where someone's got to go to work on Monday, and that's such a gift. Good, good, good, good, good.

All right, here is the last little piece of advice I'll give you. Okay? And this, again, this is all free, so you can hang up the phone and be like, well, that was a waste of 10 minutes of my life. I want you to practice not feeling guilty for smiling, and I want you to practice not feeling guilty for laughing, for taking the kids out to dinner just y'all for,

for going to a movie just y'all for. You're gonna feel guilty that you're not including parents and grandparents and cousins. You're gonna feel guilty that you're doing these things and it's gonna feel like you're quote unquote moving on while your husband's in a hospital bed. You're going to feel guilty when you got to pick up all three kids and you're going to miss one of his PT appointments.

And I want you to decide now, I'm going to be at full at peace with trying to however difficult and ugly and brutal it is, if I see a flower growing up to the sidewalk, I'm going to stop and acknowledge it because it's beautiful. If something's funny in my house, I'm going to laugh. I'm not going to feel guilty about it just because my husband's not here. Okay?

The guilt and shame machine will get up and going in a wild, wild way. So I want to make sure you have a journal of some sort. And if I were you, I would overpay for it. I'd go get some fancy pants, leather bound, something or other. And I would start a series of letters to my husband, things he misses, like when it just pops in your head, a funny joke, an old office episode, whatever it happens to be.

When you reach over in bed and he's not there, I want you just to write that down. I reached for you tonight and you weren't here. I miss you. And something hilarious happened today. I missed you. I ruined dinner again and I can't even warm up leftovers right. And you would have laughed at me and you weren't here.

Missed you. Had an awesome day at PT today. and it was so good to see you. I have been writing those things down. So good. And just so that when he is actually able to read again, he'll have something to look through. And I want your children to draw him pictures. Children process things through play, through writing stuff down, through coloring.

You can color daddy a picture, and maybe that becomes a thing you'll do once a week or twice a week. We're all going to color daddy a picture. We're going to make him get some grass and gravel. I don't know what kids do. They come up with crazy stuff. And know that your five-year-old's going to have different memories than your one-year-old,

right? Oh, yes. Those are going to be different. The one-year-old, oh yes those are going to be different the one-year-old is going to be he's going to be abstract he's going to be this floating presence that was sort of here and not here and then six months from now it'll have been you know almost half of that young child's life where dad wasn't here or dad was just that guy in the hospital so every kid's going to have different levels of memory and it will be different for everybody right don't put expectations don't compare your grief don't say well it could have been so bad no Every kid's going to have different levels of memory and it will be different for everybody, right? Don't put expectations. Don't compare your grief.

Don't say, well, it could have been so bad. No, this is hard and awful and heartbreaking. Yeah. Right? It's very lonely without him here. It's so lonely. And then his shoes are over there in the corner and his stupid shirt still wadded up in the bathroom, right? It's all still there.

Yeah. And there's those days it's so comforting to see that stuff and there's those days that it is so heartbreaking to see that stuff, right? Yeah. Who knew actually doing his laundry would be so hard? Yeah. You know. Well, it's always hard. It's always hard, but it's especially hard now.

Look those doctors in the eye and tell them that you love them and you're grateful for them. And pass along that gratitude where you can is a healing gift for you too. And just know you're going to be healing from this forever, for a long time. So you're not going to try to outrun the grief So you're not going to try to outrun the grief. You're not going to try to outrun the healing. That's going to be little tiny steps every single day. Yeah. Your kids are really blessed to have you, Grace.

And what an incredible family. Incredible family. Make sure you have non-family friends that you can be angry with and cuss your brains out with and scream at and be mad at God with. If you're a person of faith that you can just rage through this and you can cry with and you can laugh with and go get pedicures with and all those things. Make sure you've got people to do this with because grief demands a witness. And this isn't going to make sense for a long time. That's not really the goal. The goal is survival. The goal is learning how to breathe again. The goal is making sure those kids and you are eating

and walking and moving. The goal is holding that old man's hand. And the advancements they've made with TBI is just something to behold. And so I would hold every bit of optimism and hope that two to five years becomes six to nine months, that we don't know how long,

we don't know how long, becomes suddenly he sits up and says, I got a headache. And I've seen that a few times with people that I'm close to. So keep out hope, keep out optimism. Don't be afraid of the grief. Don't feel guilty for laughing.

And we will be thinking about you, Grace. We will be thinking about you. Stay in touch and we'll talk to you soon. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily

choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, it is Big Bang Theory time. Let's go to Sheldon in Bellingham, Washington. Hey, Sheldon, what's going on? Hey there, Dr. John. Man, it's good to talk to you. I really appreciate your time. It's better to talk to you. You never hear Big Bang Theory jokes, do you? Never. Listen, man, my last name rhymes with a processed lunch meat. I'm with you.

We're going to persevere through this. We'll get through it. So what's up, brother? How can I help, man? Oh, man, first of all, my heart goes out to Grace. That's hard to hear. Yeah. It's a tough, tough, tough, tough situation, man. Tough, tough, tough. Yeah. So what's up in your world, man?

So my wife and I, we're foster parents. Hey, can we just stop and celebrate? Hold on. Can we stop and celebrate you guys? What got you into fostering? I mean, early on, my wife wanted to do it before we got married, and I wanted to adopt, and so we met halfway with fostering to start with.

So good. Why are we doing this? Because my wife wanted to. But you did too, so good for you. Well, this? Because my wife wanted to, but you did too. So good for you. Well, man, what a gift you're putting out in the world. I'm grateful for you.

So what's up? Y'all are fostering? Yep, we're fostering. Got a little one with us right now. We've had several short-term and then another long-term one that's back with family now. Got a little one with us now

that's about 13 months old. Picked her up from the hospital. It's just, you know, heartbreaking to see the whole family dynamic yeah uh but i'm smiling right now man i'm so glad y'all were there to pick her up that's incredible she's pretty incredible i tell you what she's uh yeah i don't know never been a big one for little kids but my goodness i didn't know that little kids could be that much fun dude Dude, they will take your soul and spirit from you, man. It's incredible. It's awesome. So, what's up?

So the one parent has basically disappeared, made it very clear to social workers, everybody, my legal obligations are done, I want nothing to do. Other family member is living, it's a very complicated scenario, living with somebody that is filing for custody on their behalf.

And that is allowing this individual to not really go through any of the steps to get their proper custody. And so what that means is if the child goes into this person's care, then this family member could just take the kid. There's no repercussions. There's no follow-ups, no nothing. The kid just disappears. And yeah, as a foster parent, you're powerless. Yeah, man. So I have heard of this attempted before. Several of my close mentors were attorneys or counselors in this system. I've heard of that attempted before.

I haven't heard it be successful. It might be. Whoops, I just squeaked my microphone here. I've heard that attempted. I've never heard it be successful because the person filing for custody, if they're just some random boyfriend or just some random girlfriend, they have to prove a connection. And a dating relationship often doesn't provide that connection. And usually I see it some downstream relative will pop out of nowhere and say, I'll step in.

But I've heard this attempted, but I haven't heard it be successful. Have you heard that be successful in your area? Yeah, and part of the complication is this person filing for custody has the half-siblings, these six half-siblings of this child in their care. Well, then, hey, I'm wrong. There's a 100% chance they're going to get custody then. Yeah, and dad is not even fully blood to these other kids. Okay. Doesn't matter. And dad is not even fully blood to these other kids.

Doesn't matter. If there's half siblings there, then the court will sign that one over in a heartbeat. And they will call that a family reunification, and they will move on to the next case on their overloaded docket of people who refuse to take responsibility for their children, which is just heartbreaking. So. Yeah, I mean, she'll be the seventh kid under 12 in that home. Yeah. Here's, I'm just going to tell you the truth, okay? When you are in foster parenting, and I'm telling this, you already know this, you are a bridge and you help hold suspended children while the adults in their life who have, are not acting like adults figure out what they're going to do. And the word, when

anyone says I'm a foster parent, the first, or should I be a foster parent? The first thing I ask them is, can you handle heartbreak? Because that is the nature of foster care. It's heartbreaking. Even in the best of situations, you've been living with this little baby and holding her and taking care of her and feeding her and laughing with her and getting to know her weird little cute 13 month old personality. And even in the greatest of situations, it's heartbreaking to hand her back, right? Yeah. And in these situations, man, it's devastating. Yeah. Especially because you can't control the outcome.

So my challenge to you, brother, is to put that stuff down because you can't do anything about it. And you're going to make yourself crazy trying to solve problems because you can't do anything about it. And you're going to make yourself crazy trying to solve problems that you can't solve. Gotcha. That sucks, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah. It really does. And the real challenge here is

can you keep your heart open enough to go love another little kid and I want to tell you as a foster parent how many foster kids have you had she's the second long term placement but we've had probably 20 kids in our home in the last two years so you know this better than I do, man. Of course you do.

But you know every time it's that your heart fills up, and then, man, it feels like it's had the air taken out of it, right? Yep. This one feels like it's uniquely painful for you. Yeah, I mean, it was directly following the placement of the last child and, I mean,

had a couple of miscarriages and a lot of failed adoption attempts privately. Yeah. Yep. How are you and your wife doing? She wants a baby.

Yeah. And you want to do whatever it takes to get her one, huh? I mean, short of stealing a kid Hey man, if you gotta do what you gotta do, brother I'm just kidding, don't do that Please don't steal a kid When's the last time y'all sat down and looked at each other and made sure y'all are still on the same page? Oh, two weeks ago. And then the next day we had a call about a possible adoption that they needed a placement for immediately.

And then it fell through due to paperwork. Of course. Yeah. We've had numerous issues of that nature. Yeah. So here's what I need you to do, man. Number one, you're in love with a tiny little baby girl and you took her home for the hospital and you've loved her and whatever her, whatever her destiny looks like,

it's going to be different positively because you and your wife stepped into a gap that her parents didn't provide. And as a member of your community and her community, I'm so grateful for you guys. And she is too. And there's some people gaming the system, doing end arounds on the system. And right now there's nothing you gaming the system, doing end-arounds on the system.

And right now, there's nothing you can do about that. You can get a lawyer and try to fight it, I guess. I can't imagine you'd be successful if you could sure give it a shot. Yeah, as a foster parent, you have no legal representation. Right. And so, I tell you, is to have a grieving process with your wife, where y'all can walk through this. And you also

know the grief wrapped up here man is bigger than this this little baby girl going into a really tough tough situation it also is yet another opportunity for me and my wife to have a family and what we think is going to be our picture of a family and we're not going to do that and i couldn't xyz and she couldn't XYZ and there's so much guilt here's what happens these bricks in this backpack end up weighing down your marriage to the point that it makes it hard to keep driving and that's why I want you guys to check in and always keep checking in and always keep checking in because y'all are firefighters now and you got to make sure each other are breathing because y'all are playing y'all are helping people in

the most dire of situations but your relationship can take can you know where where the scars of those those interactions right yeah yeah if you can't um i don't know what work looks like i would love to see you guys get away for a weekend and just control delete and reset and i mean that's yeah that's pretty easy i have a pretty great work schedule I'd love to see all you've heard me say this a hundred times I'll say it a hundred times more every time this happens

is just like the twin towers falling you can't take all that glass and dust and steel and rebuild those same two towers you gotta excavate the whole thing

and build something else new and create something beautiful and say alright here we go again I'd love to see you something beautiful and say, all right, here we go again. I'd love to see you all exhale and say, where are we? What's it going to look like tomorrow?

What's it going to look like in two weeks? What's it going to look like in a month? And you're not failing anybody if you all take a break. At some point, you got to put on your oxygen mask first, brother. And I know it feels like, well, if we take a break, that could be the day of the call. That could be the call. Y'all can do that until you make each other crazy.

And then it may be time for a break. 20 kids, 22 kids and a couple of hard heartbreaks and some miscarriages in the last 24 months is a lot of trauma. Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, miscarriages were before the 24 months that It hasn't been easy to get there either. You were about to ask me one more thing. Yeah, go for it. Do you have any advice on connecting with this parent or the possible person that would be taking placement of a child? I always – Slade Sullivan is one of the most important men I've ever known. And they have been foster parents and adoptive parents.

And they were the ones that him and his wife taught me about the importance of reaching out to family members. Sometimes it's a no-go, but sometimes the parents were really open to, here's how to be a good mom. Here's how to be a good dad. Here's what this baby loves. And so being proactive and not being, not thinking I'm the best, but I've loved this little baby right now

and we could teach you guys. They may say, you know what? Y'all screw off. We don't need you. That's our kid. Or they may say, oh, that'd be incredible. We would love that. And so again, you're setting yourself up for more heartbreak for sure. But I am always, always going to lean into that. And I watched Slade and his wife do that. And it

was extraordinary. Slade's wife would go to coffee with these moms and talk about parenting and what love looks like and really remarkable things. And so, yeah, if you have the stomach for that and the heart for that, I think that would be a remarkable thing. Again, this is all for that little baby, right? All for that little baby. Yeah, yeah. And you may get rejected again, right? So what are you going to do? Yeah.

And it may be time for a break I'm not going to speak into your marriage but I definitely think it's time for you all to step away and say where are we and you to make sure you look her in the eye and hold both sides of her face and let her know I love you and I'm in this with you

what's tomorrow going to look like and she needs to say the same thing to you too thank you so much for loving that little baby girl for loving your wife for loving those kids what's tomorrow going to look like. And she needs to say the same thing to you too. Thank you so much for loving that little baby girl, for loving your wife, for loving those kids. Foster parents, y'all are heroes, heroes, heroes, heroes, heroes. Incredible, incredible, incredible.

Man, oh man, oh man. Man, oh man, oh man. Kelly, I don't tell you enough. You and your husband are good people, too. Y'all been down this road also. Your husband's really great on multiple counts, but... Even I have to agree with that one, yes. As someone who only has to deal with a few hours of Kelly a day. Whoa.

Just kidding. He's a lucky man. Seriously, thank you. Oh, man. Do you have anything you can pass along to Sheldon? I mean, you've walked this walk. No, because we have it in the same aspect. If we never had to deal with birth parents or anything like that.

It's hard, huh? Yeah. The only thing I can say is, because I ran the adoption ministry and foster ministry at our church for a while, is that given the situation they're going into, there's a distinct possibility this child's coming back out again. Yeah. And be there.

Yep. One of our friends, this happened probably 12 times that the child came out over a number of years. And every time they took her until finally the mother said, I can't do it anymore. And they now have adopted her.

And they have a relationship with the mother too. So as hard as that is, every time they had to leave, but every time, and they knew she was going to come back out again, back into the system. And they just picked her up and took her back every time.

Keep those doors open, huh? Yeah. That's what you can do. So hard. And they just picked her up and took her back every time. Keep those doors open, huh? Yeah. That's what you can do. So hard. And then, you know, like you said, be the one that stands in that gap for that parent

or for that baby because maybe they grow up with two great families. Yeah, exactly. Or they always have a picture of, there's a point when a teenager recognizes, it doesn't happen.

My parents, whoa, right? Even in the best case scenarios, parents or kids recognize that. But there may be that moment when the kid goes, wait a minute, that's what this could look like, right? And the foster parent

is who is stuck with a kid over a number of years, gives them a picture of what parenting and love and showing up and connection looks like. And that's just, I mean, it's just worth its weight in gold, right?

So to wrap up today's show, this literally is one of my favorites. This is like my top three or four or five. And I think I've said that enough to where I think we have 14 songs in my top three or four of all time. But this is back from the 80s. L.A. Guns, this incredible song Called Ballad of Jane And it goes something like this That's how all 80s metal guys

This is every rose has its thorn It goes something like this No it goes exactly like this But this is the Ballad of Jane And it goes something like this She was always something special A diamond shining bright in the rain And everybody dreams of angels

and no one will ever know how much I love you so. And now it all seems funny, kind of like a dream that things ain't always what they seem. What a shame. What happened to Jane? And you were always on my mind,

a child like summer days in the sun and slowly wishes turned to sadness. Time doesn't heal a broken gun and I wish I'd never let you go. Hear me now because I want you to know. It all seems funny, kind of like a dream and things ain't always what they seem. What a shame. What happened to Jane? Right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.