The Dr. John Delony Show - How Can a Single Dad Raise Strong Healthy Daughters?

Episode Date: September 6, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode My dad overdosed recently after being an addict most of my life. How do I reconcile the man I thought he was with the person he became? How do I stop being bitter at my job? I am turned down for every promotion and I don’t get feedback as to why. How do I know I'm raising strong healthy girls as a single dad? Lyrics of the Day: "The Next Storm" - Frank Turner   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: grief, substance abuse, addiction, family, workplace/career, goals/life planning, parenting, divorce, kids, counseling/therapy, trauma/PTSD   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a young woman who had just tragically lost her dad. We talk to a man who's been passed over for a number of promotions, and he's just getting bitter at work. And we talk to a young dad who's raising two daughters by himself after their mom stepped out. Stay tuned. Yo, yo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

The show for you, about you, and by you. About your mental health, about your relationships, about everything going on in the world. And I tell you what, man, we got a lot going on in the world and I tell you what man we got a lot going on in the world man it has been a wild wild couple of weeks um and I've been out for a while and if you're just regularly getting the show on your download feed you won't know because we stay a little bit ahead but I've been out James you want to tell them what you did? You mean what you did? I don't think that's how that story goes. I think the way we should tell the story is the way it would be truthful. Let's tell America what you did, James.

Well, you gave me COVID is what happened. And then it turns out that you took a real COVID test and found out that you also had COVID. I think I tested negative a bunch. But didn't you buy these like at the dollar store? The tests? No, I got it from a guy in a parking lot. That's true.

And they were pine cones, turns out. He told me to wave the pine cone over my heart and to sing a song or something. You can't just like gently put the Q-tip in the front of your nose. That's not how the test goes. You have to shove it way up there. You do sound terrible. Like you still have it.

But we're both back in action after being gone. And of all the things, so if you're listening, my family has been out. Man, it's just kind of burned through. It wasn't great. But the great mystery here is this. Gully. Yes? Did you get COVID?

I did not get COVID, no. I really don't know how I was so sure that with, because I've been stuck in tiny rooms with y'all for hours. I sit next to James eight hours a day, inches apart. And apparently I'm bionic. I have a feeling that you got it and that you went to the mirror and you looked really closely inside your own soul and you said no. And it was like, I'm sorry, ma'am. And it left. And then it doubled back on me and James. And it was like, sorry guys,

I gotta give you all a double dose. But that lady's scary. And me and James were like, yeah, we know. And then we just took it. Yeah, amazingly somehow I've yet to get it. Nobody in my household has gotten it yet. Knock on whatever. I don't know how you don't now.

Because yes, if you don't know, inside baseball here is we spend a lot of time in little tiny rooms together. And Kelly is not made of the things that we are made of. I told her today that

one day she's going to like cut her arm real bad and then it's going to be just wires and chips under there. Motor oil will leak out and she'll be like, and yeah. That would explain a lot of things actually.

Lack of emotion. Yeah. My soul. Those things, yeah. James, I'm glad to know you feel and you have heart. Very much so. But I'm happy to see you back. But I missed you both.

I just want you to know I did miss both of you. You didn't. No, I did. It was a little boring. My week was a little boring. Did you download that? Did you plug into whatever CPU that runs your world and you're like, download Miss the Guys? Yes, I did that before I got into work this morning. You ran your world and you're like download Miss the Guys.

Yes, I did that before I got into work this morning. I ran the script for you. Well, good. We miss you too. She held it down while we were gone, man. I know. There actually is going to be four or five episodes where Kelly takes calls and does a way better job than I do.

So congratulations, America. You win. You win. You win. But I am glad to see everybody and be back as we are slowly getting everything back. And by the way, I'm back in the gym. We're back working out. It is fascinating to hear the folks that have this thing and how it just affects everybody differently

and affected my whole family differently. So it's just a bizarre thing. But we're back. It's good to see you, James. Good to see you, Kelly, Nikki B, everybody. It's awesome. All right, so let's go to the phones and catch up with Kelsey in Seattle. Hey, Kelsey, what's going on?

Hi, John. Thank you for taking my call. Thank you for calling. What's up and how can I help? Um, my, my dad struggled with addiction most of his life, and my little brother is following in his footsteps. They slowly lost everything, and we're living in a motel up until my dad overdosed two weeks ago. Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Kelsey. Thanks. My brother texted us, Dad's dead, and he continues to do. Yeah, of course. We thought it would be rock bottom for him, you know.

I'm heartbroken. I'm angry with both of them, and I just don't have the hope that I used to have. How do we deal with the loss of our dad when it was such a complicated relationship? And how do we deal, I mean, how do we live with the fear, you know, that we're going to lose my brother too? I think first is to sit for a second. And it feels like you need to run and do and and and folks who love addicts live their lives waiting for this other shoe to drop right and it's heartbreaking your dad was probably also pretty awesome guy too, huh? Yeah. He needed help that he didn't get.

Yeah. He had a good heart, but he did a lot of things. I mean, he used with my little brother. You know? I'm just... It's hard to think

about all the good things, but then there are some really bad things too. Yep, that's right. So the big elephant in the room here is you just lost your dad, and you are still in the middle of that trauma. And making this trauma more complex is that you had a complicated relationship with this guy. And so on top of the normal heartbreak that would be two weeks out from any of us losing our parent is also you had seasons where you hated this man, right? And you had seasons where you despised him and he was still your dad and you loved him. And then you had hope. And then he just needs to get through this season.

And oh my God, he's using with my brother, but maybe they're gonna be good for it. So, right, it's this rollercoaster you've been living with and all that complexity is on top of this grief, right? Yeah. And the tendency we have in these moments it's to try to solve it all right now and the hardest thing i'm going to tell you is you can't solve it today yeah you just have to be heartbroken that your dad's gone and you didn't get that that

it didn't end like a disney movie right right and y'all been waiting for that ending for so long and it didn't happen. It doesn't surprise me. It's not abnormal. It's equally heartbreaking. It doesn't surprise me that your brother went right back to use him. Because when you're using, you're covering up,

you are numbing over broken relationships. And the only one he has, he feels like he has left, just left, right? Yeah. And so to use that same mechanism to cover up that same challenge doesn't surprise me at all. It's heartbreaking. And for those of us who aren't addicts when it comes to drugs, I think so many of us are addicts with different things.

It doesn't make any sense. You think like you just saw someone you love pass away what are you doing that's just not how that addicted brain solves math problems right yeah so what's the last two weeks been like um i mean my sister and i and my mom we try to support each other the best that we can. My brother's not really answering phone calls and we can't be there for him if he won't let us. Have you all called the police on him? No.

I mean, he's living in his car and I don't know what they would do. You can do a welfare check. Yeah. And sometimes, um, depending on what city you live in, if they have drug court or they've got, if he doesn't have a long record, there are community assistance programs that people can have access to through the criminal justice system. That's just one avenue that comes to the top of my head or finding the car, knocking on it. But I also know y'all have been living with this for a long, long time.

Yeah. How long has he been using? He'll text us here and there. He has been since she was a teenager. Okay. My mom was in a pretty bad accident and he ended up taking pills from her. It's been a long time. He's been to rehab a couple of times and he got well for a while and he's got two little kids and they're going to have to go through the same stuff we did.

You know, it's a lot. Are the kids safe right now? Yeah, they're with their mom and yeah, she's got a good support system. Okay. Were you all able to have a funeral for your dad? No, not really. We got together and kind of did a small thing for him, just us. How come you didn't have a larger funeral for him?

I don't know. It's complicated. Okay. Having some sort of ceremony to mark this moment and to talk about him being the fun dad, the silly dad, the member of that time, and to talk through the complexity of who he was. This is the stuff that we're not going to miss. And also, no addict I've ever met wants to be an addict, right?

And talk about that he has peace finally, right? To be able to exchange those things in some sort of ceremony with some sort of people who cared about him, even if it's small, is so important. It becomes a touchstone that you heal from. Right. Not marking this moment in some definitive way just leaves us untethered for so, so long, right? Yeah. At the end of the day, you're in the right place, and that is heartbroken, feeling like you're sitting in the corner of your room

covered up in blankets, and you just think, what am I going to do next, right? Yeah. That's where you should be when your dad dies, even if he was a complex man that made bad decisions. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

How's your mom doing? They've been divorced for quite a while. She basically went from dealing with him and his addiction to my brother, basically. It's been a long road for her. I know it's hard for her, too, but... Yeah. So what does tomorrow look like for you, Kelsey?

Well, I've got four kids, so I'm gonna do what I can, you know? Do they know about their granddad? They saw him a few times over the years, but didn't have him around a lot. Sure. So they didn't really get to know the good parts of him, which is sad. Do they know why mommy's sad right now?

Yeah, my older ones do, but my little ones don't. Yeah. How old are your kids? 16, 12, 8, and 2. 16, 12, 8, and 2. Yeah. So I think the 16 and the 8 and the 12-year-old, I think they're old enough to know about granddad

and that granddad was sick. And I think it'd be a really neat family thing for you guys to write them a letter. And it would be a neat way for them to get to know their granddad and how much there was some good stuff about him and there was some not so great stuff about him. And I think it's really important for you to model for them what grieving looks like. And it'd be cool for them to write him a letter and say, hey, we never got to know you. And here's what you missed out on because we're good kids.

And we're sweet kids and we're sweet kids and we wish that we'd gotten to know you but we didn't but we're going to keep being good kids and let them reiterate that does that make sense it's not uncommon for grandkids of addicts to feel like it was somehow their fault

their grandparent didn't want involvement in their life yeah and so this is a healing moment for everybody feel like it was somehow their fault. Their grandparent didn't want involvement in their life. Yeah. And so this is a healing moment for everybody, but there's something powerful about writing that letter. And if you don't want to invite them into that conversation, I do think that's important for you. Have you ever, have you ever sat down and written a letter to your dad and let it all just out?

I haven't. It sounds like a good idea. I've been watching your show. It'll be one of the harder things you ever do. And it'll be important for you to read that to somebody, whether that's your husband, whether that's your mom and your sister. It could be a neat moment that you and your mom and your sister all write letters to them and then y'all get together and read them out loud. There's just something about grief being witnessed that is healing and i wish i knew the math on it i wish i knew the exact um biochemical responses in the body i don't i know that it's healing um when people witness grief together and there would be laughter and tears and memories and everyone could breathe you You know what I mean?

And that's how you can also get some clarity with your brother. Have you ever written your brother a letter? I haven't. We've texted with him, but, you know. Yeah, there's something about that. And that may be a conversation for you and your mom and your sister. Or maybe it's just two sisters write a letter. But an actual, tangible letter that you can get in his hands that he can go back to over and over and you tell him you love him and you're there for him and you miss him and you don't want him to turn out like dad. And you will be looking for him when he's ready to get clean, right?

And you can't wait till he makes that choice. But I think that's, again, it's one of those neat moments that sisters can reach out, brothers can reach out. There's something powerful, both for the author and the receiver of that letter. But that's what I would do right now in your grief.

And here's the thing. You may write three or four letters to your dad over the next couple of months. One that just says, I miss you. I can't believe you died. One that is rage. I cannot believe this was my childhood. I can't believe you used drugs with my little brother and now look at him.

I can't believe, I can't believe. I can't believe you didn't know your grandkids. They're awesome. And you missed out. And there may be a heartbroken daughter to dad letter that says, man, I miss you. I miss you so much. And man, I held out hope for you,

and it didn't come true, but I held out hope for you. I want you to know that, right? There's something about getting that out and writing it down, letting there be some distance between you and those thoughts and you and that pain

and being able to sit with it. And again, find somebody, whether it's your husband, your wife, your husband, your sisters, your mom, who you can read those letters to and vice versa. Have your husband join you. He can write your dad a letter too. But man, I'm so sorry. Losing a parent is heavy. And losing a parent with the Losing a parent is heavy. And losing a parent with the complexity of a drug addict is even more messy.

And then missing your brother on top of all that is even messy on top of messy. So when those things happen, when our lives spin out on us like that, writing stuff down and getting away from it is so helpful. Not away from the feelings, no. Not running, no. But being able to create some space between us and that weight, that blanket that's just laying on us, not letting us breathe. It's just going to take some time to heal. It's going to take some months that are going to turn into years.

You're in it now. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Stick by those that you love. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Stick by those that you love. I'm so sorry, Kelsey. Hey, we'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet,

get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can

learn to be honest with yourself, and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go to Steve in Dallas, Texas. Hey, Steve, what's up, brother?

How can I help? Hey, how you doing? I appreciate you taking the call. Thanks for calling, brother. What's up, man? So my question is, how can I not be so bitter at my job or my place of employment? How can you not be so bitter? What are they doing to you, man?

Are they hitting you with sticks and stuff? What's happening? Not so much. I've been there about 15 years now. be so bitter? What are they doing to you, man? Are they hitting you with sticks and stuff? What's happening? Not so much. I've been there about 15 years now. What do you do? I work at a plant. If you think

Homer Simpson sitting in front of a computer and pushing buttons, that's what I do. So I get why you're bitter. Actually, it is really a slow job, but it can be a good job. It's interesting. That's what my wife says about me. Like, he's not very fast. He just kind of meanders around.

But he can be all right. But he's interesting. He's interesting, right? That's right. Okay, so why are you bitter, man? So I hired in about 15 years ago. Okay. The last job I had, I was in supervision.

It was a different field, but in my mind, supervision is supervision. People are people. You manage people. You learn the process. You manage the process. So my train of thought was I've done this for so long, I'm going to go and, you know, start looking at that. Well, 15 years, 12 interviews later,

and I'm still sitting in the same place that I've been day one. And again, you know, it can be a boring job. So, you know, there is, it's just a lot of time sitting there, you know, sometimes literally doing nothing. Steve, why won't they promote you?

Hold on. Let me ask that. Let me change that question. I asked you a bad question. What about you is not promotable after 15 years? So there's a couple of things. One, I'm not without my faults. I have been known to make my opinion known when maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut. I make my opinion known a lot here at where I work. And I work for Dave Ramsey, who's an opinionated guy. I've heard. Yeah, that's the rumor, right? So having an opinion and letting it be heard isn't the issue.

What is your actual issue? Are you a jerk sometimes? I don't think so, no. Do you dig your heels in on stuff? Yes, but, you know, there's times that we have to. Okay. There's times and reasons, et cetera. You know, they even, they promote that, you know.

Okay. If you don't believe in this thing, if there's a problem with it, it's up to you to stand up and say no. But they're not promoting you, though. And so there's a difference between what they're saying they want and what you're providing them. Right. Okay. What is that difference? I don't know.

I've done special projects for them. Anytime I do a project, I'm always told, man, that was great, wonderful. You did an outstanding job. I hear great things. My first thought, honestly, is I'm not into click. Okay. I don't go out drinking after work. I don't play golf on the weekends.

Well, not necessarily weekends. Our schedule's rotating, but you know, I just the things that a lot of those guys do, I don't do. Okay. And so the currency at that job are those things.

And you have chosen to not participate, which I don't fault you at all. Okay. And you have your own life. You have kids? Four of them, yeah. Okay. So they have taken priority and your wife's taken priority over playing around on the weekends and whatnot. That's awesome, man.

Right. And you happen to work at a place where that's currency. Or there's an illusion that that's currency. I don't always believe that it is, but it might be. When you're not getting invited to those things, you're not doing those things, it's easy to think that's the currency, but let's just pretend it is.

What else, man? You said you make your opinions known. What else? what else man you said you make your opinions known what else um you know that's honestly that's you know about the only two things I've been really honestly come up with have you ever worked with a boss who's a jerk

plenty yeah have you ever worked with a boss who's just a loudmouth moron yep and they still had a promotion they were still um in leadership right right so having a it's been my experience that having a loud opinion doesn't keep you out of jobs it's a lack of social awareness when you decide to do that. It's people who gossip. It's people who whine.

It's people who are always complaining. It's people who – that's the stuff that in my experience of 20 years of hiring and firing a lot of people that has kept. And then when I experienced that, when I was whining and complaining and whatnot and I didn't get promoted. So I'll come back to you. If you were the boss, why wouldn't you promote you? and whatnot, and I didn't get promoted. So I'll come back to you. If you were the boss, why wouldn't you promote you for 15 years? You know, I've really had a loss. I mean, I've thought it over.

I've dwelled on it so much, it's literally affected my health, where I've just had to say, you know what, I don't care anymore. But you do care, though, man. You do. I do care. You're right. Yeah, you do. But, you know, I can't even get a, and this is, you know,

actually it comes back to my original question, but I can't even get an answer from, like, HR. Why, you know, give me's just, it comes back to my original question, but I can't even get an answer from like HR. Why, you know, give me some feedback on the last interview I did. I did an interview in April. So two weeks after they made a decision and I emailed the HR people and said, hey, you know, give me some feedback. Why did I, you know, what can I do better? And it was a very professional email. It was, you know, nice and courteous and,

you know, what can I do better? What do I need to work on? Well, you know, here it is the end of August and all I keep getting is, oh, I'm just so busy. I'll get back with you. Oh, I'm just so busy. I haven't forgot about you. I'll get back with you. Who's your, who's your supervisor? Who's your leader at the company? Well, see, I work at one plant that's owned by a corporation. Okay. And I've probably got five bosses within the plant. Okay. I mean, stair step up. And so after 15 years, you don't have a relationship with one of those people, one of those women or men that you could say, dude, what's the deal, man?

You know, a couple of them I did, and I was kind of waiting on that HR because I've worked with them in the past. Others, you know, they just rotate them around often. So a few years ago, this is a couple of universities ago, I thought I was a shoe-in for a big promotion, and I didn't get it. Not only did I not get it, I didn't even get an interview for it, which was a signal, right? Right. That was a message that was sent. So I reached out to a buddy who was a senior leader and said, dude, what happened? And he said, man, I have no idea.

Let me find out. And they did some digging around. And then he said, I got some answers. Let's go to lunch. And dude, it was a hard lunch. And he told me, here's your reputation around here. And it was 100% opposite of the reputation I wanted to have. And I didn't understand how I'd gotten it at first.

And then as I began to dig into it, I started to go, oh, oh, no, right? And I had some major behavior changes and some major soul searching to do. And I had to ask myself, is this the group that I want to be associated with longer term, right? And ultimately I transitioned myself out. So two things are going on here, I think. Number one, they have been sending you a message for a long, long time, and I don't think you want to hear it. And so I'll just be direct. They don't value you there. Anything beyond what your day job is.

And that's hard to hear because you've given 15 years of your life to that company, but they don't have any sort of trajectory for you. They don't. Right. Right. Because either they would give you a set of skills you could be working on. I've had hard conversations at every place I've ever worked. People have pulled me in a room and said,

hey, do we need this from you instead of that? Or this isn't going to cut it. We need this. And I love those because it's them investing in me. You're not getting that. Right. But loud and clear, they're saying, we're not investing in you.

And this is where this is going to stop for you. And so the question you have to ask yourself is this, when it comes to bitterness, right? Because bitterness is this gap between what we think we deserve and what we're actually getting, right? That's what bitterness is. Yeah.

You've got to ask yourself, do I like this job? Does it pay well? I've been trying for 15 years for something and it's not working. So starting today, I'm going to stop hitting my head up against that wall because I've tried that a bunch

and it's not working. Am I at peace with being here and clocking out and going home and to be with my four kids and my wife? Or do I want to get back into leadership at which point I'm going to have to leave? I'm not going to be angry with anybody. I'm not going

to run this company down and be angry at my leaders. I'm just going to start looking for somewhere else to go. I'm going to do that with joy in my heart and peace in my heart does that make sense?

absolutely, yeah anything beyond that is a choice A, for you to be miserable B, it's a choice for you to play revenge or get back or whatever for something that you really aren't owed and then here's the second thing so that's number one

they're communicating loud and clear we don't value you beyond where you are the second thing. So that's number one. They're communicating loud and clear. We don't value you beyond where you are. The second thing here is I don't think you really want to know because I've been in your seat multiple occasions through 20 years of professional work, man. And when I want to know why I got passed up for a promotion, I'll go find out. I really want to know.

Even if it's uncomfortable for me. And so what I'm going to come back to, I've asked this at the beginning, I'm going to ask it again. Do you really, really not know why they're passing you up or do you kind of know and you don't really want to dig in and hear it?

I mean, it's – I probably kind of know. I probably have a reputation because I was – because of things I brought up early on. I don't know. I guess they didn't like the way I brought it up. Maybe someone got rubbed wrong. I don't know. I mean, I'm generally a nice guy. Um, I mean, unless someone really rubs me wrong, but, um,

so let me ask you this then. Okay. So if I, if I say, and, and, you know, I'm kind of at the point where I'm just like, you know what, I'm good right where I am. I'm not going for any more promotions. I'm not going to do it. I'm going to stay right where I am. This job pays very well. It's union job, union pension.

It's worth sticking around. I got 10 or 12 more years, and I can walk out the door not necessarily a golden parachute, but it's going to be really nice. You'll be a made man. There you go. Yeah. So, you know, my question really is how do I just let this go and say, you know what, the past is the past. I'm just going to move forward. Because there are days I go in there and say, you know what, I don't even want to give you a hundred percent.

And that is not about them. That's an integrity issue between Steve and Steve. Yeah. And any day you choose to not give a hundred percent, any day you choose to go in there halfway is a day that you don't cheat that company. You're cheating yourself, man. It's an integrity decision, right? And so I think that we overemphasize work. I mean, when I say work,

overemphasize job description and title as a proxy for self-worth. I think we way overdo it in this culture. I'd much rather be considered a great, great dad than a vice president of a thing, right? Now, providing a good living and I can go spend time with my family, all that stuff's really important.

So if you are at peace with where you are, then brother, be at peace with where you are. And so what you're going to need to do is a couple of things. Number one, you're going to need to have a hard conversation with Steve that says, I am completely at peace with where I'm at. Whatever I do at a given day, and I don't know exactly the ins and outs of your job, I deliver value to people on the other end of this thing. And their life, their day, their whatever is better because Steve is in it. You have to have some sort of purpose in your job. It could be providing levity and joy to those who work around you, to the salesman that you work with for others. I don't know exactly what you do, right? But it's about finding purpose where you're at. The second thing is you're going to have to take

your wife out and apologize, not apologize, but say, I'm done complaining and whining about my job that I've done for 15 years. And for 15 years, I've stayed here because the money's good, but I've just been bitter. I've just been frustrated. I've just been angry, and I'm putting all that to bed. And in fact, I want you to call me on it when you hear me starting to bring it up again. Just touch my arm. Just reach your hand out and touch my hand.

You're going to have to practice is what I'm telling you, Steve, okay? And having your wife to hold you accountable is going to be important. And then if you've just been complaining and whining about your job in front of your kids, tell them, bring them in and say, guys, I haven't handled this the right way. I'm sorry. I've been trying to get stuff and I've been bitter and frustrated and I'm going to put that down. I'm going to go in. I do a good job.

I'm paid a fair wage and I wanted to be a leader and I don't even want to do that anymore. I'm grateful for the time I get to spend with you guys. And then when you are off, when you go to work and you have those days where there's nothing for you to do, you can find things either to reach out to your supervisor and your leader and say, hey, man, how can I, I finished all my work today. Anything else, any other projects I can lean into or a coworker, how can I help? Or if it's not one of those kind of jobs, it's the kind of job where you just sit and do nothing, literally. Then take that time as self-improvement time, take an online course,

get an associate's degree in something for free. They got free community college there in Dallas, get a book and start reading, get a couple of guys at work that do the same stuff as you and start a book club where y'all are reading stuff together. Begin writing your wife letters every day at work and tell her how wonderful she is. I don't care what they are, but choose to use that time productively instead of just sitting there in that gap

between what you think you're entitled to and what's actually happening in reality. If after 15 years of being scorned, of not getting promotion, and here's the thing, I'm not mad they didn't promote you. I do think it's lame that A, they kept you around for 15 years

and haven't been honest with you unless they have and you just didn't want to hear it. But B, you ask for feedback and they're not giving it to you. That sucks. That's lame. Any business owner out there, if somebody comes to you and says, hey, man, how can I get better? Have the courage to be honest with them, even if it's a hard, hard, hard conversation.

That's the part I don't like, Steve, is that they're not treating you with integrity. They're not being honest with you about what you can do better next time or how you can grow as an employee or how you can grow fill in the blank. They're not even being honest with you and saying you can grow fill in the blank. They're not even being honest with you and saying, management will not be in the cards for you here, period. We love what you're doing for us and we love the role you are in. You will not be a leader at this facility. I wish they would tell you that. Then you could mourn it and move on with your day. They're not doing that, right? At the end of the day, you walking in every day with a set of affirmations that said, here's the kind of man I'm gonna be

when I get to work. I'm gonna be someone who's got purpose, who tries to make other people's day better. I'm gonna do my job with excellence. I'm gonna let my wife and kids know that I'm grateful for the job I have and I'm gonna put in the hard work. And then when I have a gap in time,

I'm gonna invest in Steve to get more skills, to learn things, to start hobbies, whatever the thing is, is going to be. And when you feel that resentment and that bitterness rise up, you catch it, you go for a walk, you breathe it out. Sometimes I'll find myself and I'll just, have you heard me say it on the show? I'll say, nope, not going there. And I'm going to stop that thought cycle. I'm not going to get on that road.

They didn't ask me to be a part of that team. I'm not going to be on that team. Do I think I should have been on it? Yep. And that's the last conversation I'm going to have with myself about that today. And let's put an end to it. If you begin to practice this, over time, that default setting will shift. I promise you.

You got to be intentional about it. You got to bring other people in on this deal. You got to be apologetic and say, I'm moving on from the past, but you can get there. Be graceful with yourself as you practice it. You've been whining and complaining and frustrated for 15 years. It's not going to change overnight, but you will become a more joyful person to be around. You'll become somebody that people flock to when I come to. And by the way, start an exercise program at home. Ask your wife if after 15 years, she wants to go to marriage counseling and wants to recreate your marriage into something really powerful and fun and exciting. Pick up fishing. Begin to do things that are about moving your body, about growing your heart, growing your mind, and separate yourself from this identity anchor you've given yourself,

which is, I need to be a leader. I have before. Leadership is leadership. I've done it before. I can do it again. Well, not here you can't. I think you're a person worth growing, Steve, and right now your company's not investing in it, so you can. And choose joy.

Thanks for the call, brother. All right, we'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily

choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Let's take one more call. Let's go to Joshua in Vancouver. Hey, Joshua, what's going on, man? Hey, Dr. John. Can you hear me? I can, brother. How are you?

Oh, I'm doing well. Well, I can't believe I'm on the show. Cool. I can't believe I'm on the phone with you. Thanks for your time. No, thank you, man. So what's up? How can I help?

Okay, so my question is, um, as a solo parent, how can I best raise two young daughters to be healthy and confident? Actually kind of a part of the question. My next part of the question is, would it be better for them that I wait until they're adults for me to look for a partner. Yeah. Wait for them to be adults. So where is mom? Mom moved out about two years ago. She left the country and she's living with someone else.

Okay. Yeah. How has the last couple of years been? Up and down yikes man walk me through how that how that initial transition happened did she just drop a bomb on you one day did your relationship slowly lose steam what happened um what happened was well i had a i had an inkling you know something was up she was spending a lot more time on a certain phone game and then uh found out that way that she had been uh well actually she went on a trip and then um when she got back that's when i found out okay yeah the

the trip was not for what she was intended to go. It was to meet someone else. Gotcha. Yeah. And how old are your girls? They're eight, and my youngest is turning seven in October. Oh, man.

So they were six and five when this happened, huh? Yeah, yeah. Well, unfortunately this hasn't been the first time that I've been left on my own with a girl. Don't just stop there. What happened? Well, the first time I guess

she wasn't feeling as if though, I'm trying to remember here from the top of my head now. Um, she had moved out to go live with a relative. I, to remember why it was something, something that she just couldn't, she didn't want to, I don't know, she couldn't live with me or something. Okay. Well, or her baby girls, right? Yeah. So tell me about these two wonderful young daughters.

Tell me about them. Oh, they really are wonderful. They have kept me going, kept my face strong uh they're they're they're opposite in nature and one of them is uh really social the other one's really quiet more like me and um they have been uh they have been my everything they've they've been able to help me keep going that's awesome and vice versa right You've kept them plugged into life too. Oh yeah, for sure. Oh, and by the way, you had to do this during COVID, so that's fun, right?

Yeah, that was interesting. Navigating single parenting in Vancouver in a pandemic. Good grief, man. So to answer your first question how do you raise two daughters tell me that first question again I'm just trying to give them the best chance so I guess

the way I phrased the question was how can I raise them to be healthy and confident okay so there's a couple of things here number one them to be healthy and confident. Okay. So, there's a couple of things here. Number one, their mom abandoned them.

Mm-hmm. Mom said, I would rather a life that does not include you in it than one that does. And so, strength and confidence is anchored to our core narrative, our core parent. And when our parent abandons us, leaves us, that connection, that tethering, that grounding for them in a way that will fuel more than you can bear it sometimes.

Right? Yeah. What does that look like every day? That means every day you got to set up breakfast with them if you can. I know single parents are working 45 jobs to make stuff work, right? That looks like your social life's going to be greatly altered because you're going to be spending time with them, right?

And you're going to be setting up situations where they can go play and have relationships and be successful as well, right? So it's going to be just this mismatch, mix mash, whatever the words are. It's going to be a hodgepodge. How about that? I like hodgepodge.

It's going to be tough is what I'm telling you. Oh, yeah. Do they know mom? Do they talk to mom? Do they have any interaction with her? Well, unfortunately not. Are you legally married? Are you divorced? what's the status here

yeah let me uh fill you in here so uh with the court we got um obviously i have the primary what's called here primary parenting um basically the almost like full custody kind of thing. And she has, um, what's it called? She can contact, contact with the kids. So we set up at least one day every week where she could, uh, video message them or talk to them through, um, the messenger. So, yeah. And, uh, it's, it's kind of kind of uh it's not going to be ongoing i don't i don't know how it's going to be because she just to throw another bomb on top she just uh had another kid i i believe in this month hmm yeah yeah at some point um man i'm i'm gonna say something that I usually don't say

on this show I'm usually about reconciliation and I'm usually about get have a parent stay as connected as possible to their kids as much as possible and also it's important that

you never run down the other parent, right? Even in these messy co-parenting situations. I want you to meet with a child psychologist ASAP. Have you done that already? No. So that's a must because I want you to get some very clear guidance from somebody in your area who knows, that's got more than 10 minutes with you on the phone.

I do not like this electronic mother connectivity. Right. That makes sense. That feels like it's going to be more damaging in the long term than just cutting off all communication. That's what I was thinking in my heart too. I hate that that's there. And I know that in the back of my head.

But you will also have to deal with, and this is a very real thing, your wife or your ex-wife at some point will say, Daddy's the one that wouldn't let me talk to you. I tried. Does that make sense? And your daughters will look at you and say, dad, why'd you take our mom from us? And that there's going to have to be some really clear guidance there in that relationship. And so I want you to meet with a child psychologist, ASAP. If your daughters aren't in counseling, they need to be, okay? Yeah.

Their anchor to the world has left them. And they are all, yeah, they are just hanging in the wind. And I want to push on something you said a little bit, okay? You said that they are the ones keeping you tied to reality. It cannot be that way. It has to be the other way around.

Those girls will feel that weight, that it's our job to keep dad stable and to make sure dad's okay because mom left him. And that's a burden that an 8-year-old or a 6-year-old is not strong enough or designed to carry. Oh, for sure. Let me quickly reiterate that I was more answering what they were like, like these two individuals. I was trying to explain what they were like.

But for me, what keeps me going is my faith in God, for sure. Okay. Well, I never want them to feel like now that mom left, it's their job to make sure dad doesn't go crazy. Exactly. You know, I understand that. Okay. So if you haven't already, do you have a group that you meet with? I just started to, the churches that I'm attending

just started opening up more of the the groups so I signed up for one hopefully they'll get back to me soon good, sign up for a group there if you haven't gone to meet with a counselor I would recommend it, even if it's an online counselor you can go to betterhelp.com

slash Deloney, I gotta deal with them, you can take that man, but getting I did it actually. Excellent. Good for you. Good for you. So getting connected with somebody that can help you begin to parse this apart. Cause that leads me to the second part of this question, which is, should you just not date until they're, should you not find another partner until they are out of the house the answer to that is no man don't do that to yourself all right um there the the recommendation here is often around it's out of the 12-step language but about a year after somebody passes away about a year after somebody just up and

abandons everybody um especially if it's just one of those snap your fingers, I'm on a trip, I'm out. Taking a year to learn who you are, getting your feet on the ground, right? What kind of parent are you going to be? What kind of home are you going to try to create here before you start dating again? Two years out, man. Man, I highly recommend leaning into social situations. Going to grab coffee with somebody, right?

Have you done that yet? No, no, I'm still trying to, I think it's going to take me longer than two years to figure out who I am. Sure. Well, you won't, hey, listen, you won't have yourself totally figured out, brother. And the moment you think you do, you're going to meet somebody, they're going to knock your socks off and all that's going to change, right? It's more about making sure the blood stopped.

Right. Okay. It's making sure that that wound is healing. And so what you don't want to do is go create a codependent relationship here where you're going to be so exhausted after a few years, it's going to be tempting to get somebody else to help babysit your kids with you. Right. And that's what you don't want. And then obviously be careful and smart about who you bring home and make sure that you're not just having a rotating cadre of potential girlfriends coming through the house because that's a lot for your kids, right? Of course. If you do decide, hey, I'm serious with somebody, then, man, y'all go straight to a premarital counselor where they can walk you through what joining homes is going to look like, what co-parenting

is going to look like, how you're going to involve mom at one point when she decides she's just going to swing back into the girl's life. It's going to help you just pull each one of those things apart and create some sort of context, some sort of

forum for how y'all are going to handle questions as they rise, which they will, right? But no, man, just stay in. Don't feel like you have to do that for them, for you. They can still grow up to be wonderful, well-adjusted young women. So I didn't answer your original question. Here's your original question. You let those girls know that they are brilliant, that they can do hard things, and not just with words only. Give them tasks. Let them be a part of the household, the operation of the household, right?

So the temptation is going to be to take all their chores away because you know they're sad. No, they're going to function in that house. They're going to help with dinner. They're going to help you when you all go grocery shopping. They're going to help when you are cleaning the house. They're going to know they have a role in that home. And you're going to honor that role by having high standards, by loving them, by teaching, not losing your mind on them, right? Their esteem, who they are is going to come through participation in that relationship, in that family unit. Does that make sense?

Yeah, that makes sense. That actually helps answer my question. I'm doing an okay job, man. Well, yeah, and the tendency is to either put your foot way on the gas and try to control everything so this never happens again, and you can't do that because you'll suffocate somebody, or it's just to, I don't want to push them because I know they're hurting, and then the kids end up with no boundaries, man. And kids crave boundaries, right?

And then making sure you take each one of them out on a date so that they know individually they are special and loved. And making sure that you go take care of you, that you're exercising, you're eating right, you're going out with friends, you're going on dates too. And so here's what I'm getting at. When you're at home, you are fully at home. You are – the electronics are off.

You are in their world. You're asking about their weird dolls or dragons or whatever things they're into, and you're learning it, and you're on all fours playing with them. And then when you are at work, you are fully in work because being guilty while you're at work doesn't do anything except make you less, less of a good employee. And when you are out on a date, you are fully invested in that date. Right. And those little girls are with a babysitter that you trust or with a parent that you trust and they are safe and secure there, you going halfway in on your date isn't going to help them either.

Does that make sense? Be where you are fully and when you're with them, be all in on them, right? Yeah, so just learn to be in the moment kind of thing. Absolutely. And again, I'm going to stick by the always advice. Don't talk bad about mom. They will ask, why did mom leave us? Mommy's not doing well right now. Or mommy chose to go live in another house. That's a choice she made. I know we miss her, don't we? And you've had those nights where your kids are bawling, just saying, I miss mommy. Have you had those? No, but my oldest has asked about her whereabouts and why.

Yeah. And say, mommy chose to go live somewhere else, and I miss her. And I know you miss her too. Yeah. No, yeah. We have had those conversations. Yeah. If they haven't had the bawling fits, why not i want my mom um they're coming

okay they're coming and on those nights when your daughter says i just want my mom dad i don't want to talk to you about this i just want to talk to my mom don't get your feelings hurt because they're kids right yeah they're just young children and they're gonna miss their mom it's it's right for them to miss their mom it's right for daughters to want to be around their moms. I mean, that's a special, special relationship that your ex-wife just stepped out on. It breaks my heart, man. So here's the thing. My answer was all over the place, and I apologize for being kind of rambly. how do you know your daughters are going to grow up to be strong,

loved young women because their dad loved them? Dad told them the truth. When dad was with them, he was fully with them. Dad made sure there was time for each one of them to be known. Dad got them the mental health trauma help that they need, and this is trauma because mom abandoned them. Mom moved out on them. And you can use any word you want. This is trauma. This is abandonment. And they need to get professional help for this, especially at this young age with play therapy,

there can be some magical things that play therapists can do with young kids in this situation. And you got to trust them and you got to lean into them. And when they lash out at you, you can't take it personally, even though it's going to hurt, which means you're going to have to have your own network of people that love and support you. And when they start pushing your boundaries as they get older, expect it, love them for having autonomy and strength and wanting to know how far the limits of your love they can push because they see how far mom's limits they see how far mom's tether went it was really short and then mom cut it and so they're going to want to find out how far they can push dad before he'll cut him loose too and you're never going to cut him loose because you

love those baby girls so sorry you're living in this man make sure you got people make sure you're never going to cut them loose because you love those baby girls. So sorry you're living in this, man. Make sure you got people. Make sure you're honoring yourself, your body, your mind. And let those girls know they are brilliant. They are strong. They are beautiful. And I say this almost every show. Make sure you're getting in your 30-second hugs a day with them if they're cool with that.

Make sure you're getting in your 30 second hugs a day with them, if they're cool with that. Make sure you're touching their face, you're looking them in the eye and that they can feel it that they matter to you. Sorry you're going through this, brother. Sorry, sorry, ma'am. You know what? I'm glad you're the dad. I'm glad you're the dad that's got to deal with

this and sit in that gap for those girls. They're lucky to have you, brother. Alright, man, as we wrap up today's show, James, we're back from the COVIDs. We got one in the books. That's not how you say COVID. The COVIDs.

The COVIDs. That's the least confusing thing about COVID so far. Is how to say it Oh man Hey listen this is actually I keep my secret reserve Of my actual favorite songs of all time This is one

It's off the Positive Songs For Negative People record By the one and only I think he's the greatest working songwriter today Frank Turner The song is called The Next Storm. It's released in June of 2015. And the song goes like this. We had a difficult winter. We had a rough few months. And when the storms came in off the coast, it felt like everything broke on us at once. It's easy enough to talk about blitz spirit when you're

not holding the roof up and knee deep in it. And the pictures and the papers got ruined by the rain. And we wondered if they'd ever get dry again. But I don't want to spend the whole of my life indoors, laying low and waiting on the next storm. I don't want to spend the whole of my life inside. I want to step out and face the sunshine. And we lost faith in the omens. We lost faith in the gods. We just ended up clutching up the empty rituals like gamblers clutching long odds.

And I don't care what the weatherman's saying because the last time that I saw him, he was on his knees, he was praying, and the preachers and the scientists got soaked just the same. I can't even read today, James. And we wondered if they'd ever get dry again. I want to step out and face the sunshine right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.