The Dr. John Delony Show - How Can I Balance a Demanding Career and Family?

Episode Date: June 5, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A man worried about balancing his demanding career with family life - A woman disturbed after learning her mentor did something perverse - A woman struggling with her family’s relationship with her ex Lyrics of the Day: "Waffle House" - Jonas Brothers Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I teach a women's self-defense course at this gym, and I don't know if I can continue doing that now that I know things that I can't unknow about this individual who owns and owns this place. I found out recently that he was investigated for sex acts with a minor. Yo, yo, yo, yo, what's up?

This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Greatest mental health and marriage podcast ever. So glad that you've joined us talking about relationships, talking about dating, talking about marriage, talking about trying to figure out what to do next in your life, what's wrong with your kids' schools, whatever you got going on. I'm here to walk alongside you as we figure it out. If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, johndeloney.com slash ask, or go to, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. And a little bit of housekeeping. Please take 13 seconds and hit subscribe on YouTube.

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Listen. Listen, America, get your supplements from Thorne. Pew, pew, pew. All right, let's go to Patrick in Grand Rapids. What's up, Patrick? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? This show is rapidly devolving, so help us out, man. Hey, yeah, so I guess the reason that I'm calling, um,

really I'm just struggling with balance in my life. And kind of the question I had was, uh, how can I better prioritize my family kind of with everything going on? What you got going on? Uh, so right now at this stage in my life, I'm in medical residency, which means I work a ton and I work like 70 to 80 hours a week. And so at a baseline, I'm just not home, frankly, as much as I'd like to be to spend time with my family. And even when I am home, I just find myself thinking about people I took care of that day or how I could have better, you know, interacted with somebody. And so I'm not even, even when I'm there, I'm not always mentally there. Yeah, absolutely. Um, and how much longer do you got in residency? Uh, another two years. Okay. And then where to, uh, I'm not really sure after that.

Are you, are you doing a specialty postdoc or are you going directly into private practice? What are you going to go do? So I'll be in family medicine. Okay. And to help pay for some of the school stuff, I signed a government contract. So I'll be doing some government work. Are you in the service? Yeah.

Yep. What's that commitment? 100 years? Yeah. Yep. What's that commitment? A hundred years? Yeah. Forever. From right now, it's going to be close to nine years. Okay. Is that going to have to be, is that going to be full time?

Is that going to be as needed? No, it's going to be full time. Okay. How much of this challenge are you looking down the road and saying this is going to be the next decade of my life versus this is the next two years of my life? That, I mean, it's kind of both. I mean, I know what the next two years look like. I don't know what the next time after this.

Okay. It's really hard to think too much about it because I don't know what the state of the world is going to look like or where I'm going to be or where they're going to send me. Oh, so you can get deployed over the next 10 years too? Yeah. Okay. Okay. How old are your kids, man? Just one on the way.

Coming here soon in a couple weeks. Congratulations, man. That's exciting. Thanks. That's exciting. So here's a couple of things I think I would keep in mind and a couple of things that I had to navigate. I never went to med school, but there's some similar,

we've got some similar trajectories and I'll walk you through some of it. The first thing is you signed what's essentially, you have 10 years left on the commitment you signed. The faster you make peace with that reality and don't fight it, the more energy you will have to spend on adjusting your life and your schedule and your routine and your overall wellness, which allows you to be the dad and husband you want to be. It gives you more energy and perspective on those things that actually matter. The more you walk around pissed off that you've got 10 more years and i don't know where i'm going to be and this and that the

The less time and focus you have on the other stuff. Is that fair? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So I think there's something important about saying yeah, this is cool I get to serve my country and I get to My kids and maybe more are going to get a ringside seat to what service looks like, both at the individual level, taking care of an individual patient, at the community level, at the national level. So I think there's some really remarkable insights that you'll be able to pass along to your kids. How's your marriage, man? Good. As good as it could be with a nine-month pregnant, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. You're in it, right? So things are chaos. How was it before? Good. Actually, really good. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me, honestly. Have you ever asked her how she sees you doing?

I don't think in those specific terms as much, no. It was an important moment for my marriage when my wife looked me in the eye and said, I'm tired of watching my husband die right before my eyes because I was working myself to death. And she had never spoken that directly to me before, but there was something powerful to the point that now I ask her at some regular intervals, how am I looking? But not like I'm not posing down, I'm not all oiled up and flexing, but how am I looking? She'll say, man, you look great. You're present with us. Or I'm giving her permission to say, I haven't seen you in three weeks, even though I've been home every night.

See what I'm giving her permission to say, I haven't seen you in three weeks, even though I've been home every night. See what I'm saying? So sometimes if you have a good connection with your wife, she can be a remarkable mirror for the man that she loves right before her. Okay. So here's what I've had to do over the years is I've had to create an off-ramp for myself between working in the messy lives of people, showing up for clients or patients, whatever you want to call them, showing up in crisis situations, and then showing up for my wife and kids. And you're going to have to learn that toggle between dealing with somebody, coding somebody, telling a loved one that their loved one has died and then showing up to a soccer game. That's hard. And so I would recommend strongly over the next few years, creating a practice that you can live by. That's going to give you the tools to be able to shut this sucker down. This person passed away today. I wish I'd been kinder to this woman. I wish I'd told this woman

that she has cancer in a different way I'm going to learn that i'm going to have a process. I'm going to have a journal where I write this down I'm going to write myself a small note that says I forgive you and next time we're going to do better And i'm closing this journal and this part of my day is over and now i'm going to go be with my family And that's just I just made that one up on the spot It can be a quick stop at a gym at a gym. It could be going to get coffee. Sometimes I call friends on the way home. I have a 30-minute commute and it's become really important for me because it allows me to shut these calls off and then go home and be present

with my kids. But at the end of the day, it's you being intentional about a process and choosing, I'm not going to bring my patients into my house. Does that sound possible or does that sound crazy? No, no, I think that's great. I don't think I know really the balance yet on sharing things with my wife about my day and how much just to leave at the hospital. I can tell you from personal experience, I almost buried my wife with my garbage. And I, with the details of my garbage and I almost broke my marriage up when I decided to go the other way and hold all of it to myself.

And so the balance that I've struck in my house. And so like, there's not, I don't know any clinical data that would suggest otherwise you and your wife can have to figure out what's best for y'all. Some partners may want to hear more details. Others may like, I don't want to know. My wife and I landed on, Hey, I had a really rough night last night or I had a really tough session yesterday. And then my wife knows it's hard.

And, um, but she doesn't have to watch me carry on the, Hey, I had my hands inside of a patient yesterday as they bled out. Or I had to tell a mom that her four year old son had died. Some of the horrific things I've had to do, and you will have to do, and you have done, that's a lot of burden to put on somebody.

And this is going to sound crazy when I say it like this. Our bodies have a built-in mechanism for dealing with reality in front of us. It has less of an ability to reconcile it when it's just info. Meaning when you are with somebody saving their life doing CPR, your body is cycling through cortisol and adrenaline and it is pumping through your body. You have an exit release. You are running, you are moving, you're reading charts, you are in this thing. And those chemicals are cycling through your body as they should. You come home and sit down and dump that story on your wife and those chemicals discharging her, even at a lesser degree, and they got nowhere to go. Right. You see what I'm saying?

And so, but again, every couple's different. Are you feeling her getting burned out? I think I'm probably more on the other end where I just don't tell her anything and she's waiting for me to tell her something about my day. Please don't do that. And it just doesn't come. Please don't do that. You'll create an alternative life for yourself that's apart from your wife. And it's a tricky balance.

Make no mistake. It's a tricky balance. And when you have a kid, when your kid comes and your kid can start having conversations in three or four years, there'll be something really important about saying, Daddy had a really hard day today. He had to see some things that were sad. That's such a gift to your kids. Okay.

But coming home and saying, Man, I saw somebody whose hand got cut off. That's not going to be helpful to a five-year-old, right? Right, right. So it's finding that balance. But, um, yeah, man, I, I give your wife the gift of letting her love you.

Okay. And I guess maybe sit down and ask her what that means, and y'all, maybe y'all can figure it out together. Yeah. Why, why are you nervous about it? No, I guess I just need to sit down with her and figure out like how much she wants to know and what is like what is getting a better gauge from her of what is too

much because uh part of me is afraid that like i don't want her to i don't want her to experience some of the things that i have and even if it's secondhand from me, like I don't want to feel like a burden to her or like my, my burdens become her burdens. There it is right there. She signed up to carry your arms in the desert when you can't. And you signed that up for her. And so don't,

don't take her love for you away. And there's a way to be abusive with that insight, right? There's a way to, I mean, you can shut a party down pretty quick, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if you're like me, you probably have. You sound like somebody who's got a little more diplomacy than I do. I learned early on, oh, I should never tell these stories to anybody. I think I've slipped up a little one too many times.

And so I tend to withhold. Yeah. Listen, you will never be a burden to your wife unless you come home and just start throwing blood and guts in her face. And she has asked you not to do that. Okay. In fact, it becomes more of a burden if you hide yourself from her. That's burdensome. Because she's going to walk around wondering what she did wrong

that keeps her from being trustworthy to you. She's going to walk around all day wondering what it is about her that you don't love enough to have a story to invite her into your life. That's burdensome. But coming home and telling her, hey, I had a really hard, hard day. What I really need is fill in the blank. I really need to hold your hand and watch TV and put our feet up and let's eat. Let's eat shamefully tonight.

Let's just get off the rails. Or what I really need is for you and I to go for a walk or I need 30 minutes by myself. I saw some hard things today. I'd have some tough conversations and it was really bad. And man, what a gift that can be. Let her love you. Let her love you.

Let her love you. And don't fight this commitment. You got 10 years, you got 10 years. And you're going to be upset when you have to miss t-ball games and dance recitals. That's hard stuff. And the other side of it is you get to live a life of service and purpose that millions and millions and millions of people are desperate for right now. Because they're walking aimlessly around waiting for AI to take their job.

And you've made a commitment bigger than yourself to say, I love people I'll never meet and I'm willing to go first. And so I'm grateful for you, man. Thank you so much for the call, brother. We'll be right back. All right, we are back. Hey, I want to give a shout out to the great Tavin Dillard, the comedian. Look him up on Instagram. He's hilarious. He came to an event that we met up in Los Angeles. He brought me this red shirt. He gave me a couple of cool shirts.

One of the funniest guys on social media. Tavin Dillard. It's not his real name, but I don't even know if he wants his real name out there. So we'll just go with Tavin. Check him out. He is incredible. We all know a Tavin Dillard. All right, let's go out to Denise in Raleigh. What's up, Denise?

Hey, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call today. Of course. How are we doing? I'm pretty good. How are you? I mean, it'd be hard pressed to be better, but that's cool. What's up? That's awesome. Okay. So I have a little bit of a what would you do or what should I do kind of question for you. I have been in martial arts for probably about 12 years now with a particular black belt at a jujitsu gym for the past six. I found out recently that he was investigated for sex acts with a minor. The police department involved felt that they had enough to make a case, but the parents opted not to press charges to prevent a public hearing that involved their daughter.

I was not aware of it when it happened. This all happened, I guess, a year ago, but I found out recently I teach a women's self-defense course at this gym. And I don't know if I can continue doing that now that I know things that I can't unknow about this individual who owns and owns this place. Have you talked to him directly? I am in a little bit of a tough situation there because I was told by someone else who left the gym about six months ago. I stumbled across them on social media and they left over this issue. I then, I didn't want to get into a, well, he said this about you, so I left kind of situation. I verified it with the chief of police in our cities, like the local police department that did the investigation. And they also said that,

you know, the police chief said this is being told in confidence because the case was closed without charges. But yes, it's true. So I can't go to him and say that, you know, people who aren't supposed to be saying this about you told this to me. But I did tell him that I was told by people who work in local law enforcement recently that their personal opinion was that women were not safe at this particular gym, which is true. They did say that. And it was a personal opinion, not a professional opinion. And that until I understood why they would say that about our gym, I was not going to continue teaching the women's class or encouraging women to train there. What was his response? By the way, hell yeah. Good for you. I'm proud of you for that. That

was a hard conversation, wasn't it? It was. Yeah. I kind of wanted to throw up after I got off the phone. Well, I'm proud of you. Good for you. How was that conversation received? He went into some other things. I guess he had had an affair with a different woman at some other point in his life and said that he thought that was why they said that about him. And if he never presumed to be a perfect person. And I was like, no, we all know that about you. We know you're not a perfect person, but you and your wife were separated. And then you ended up getting back together and moving on, whatever.

This is something completely different. And it's local. Like it's recent. And he was like, Oh, I don't know what that's about. I it's recent. And you're like, Oh, I don't know what that's about. I'd walk away. I'd walk away. Yeah. I'd walk away. And the gym I was a part of,

I was not a part of it for 12 years. I was a part of it. Gosh, several years. I've only been at this one for six, but yeah, not six long enough, but I'm telling you,

I understand that that's your, I'm asking you to leave your family. Yeah. Like, it's where you spend your time. It's where you've had great accomplishments. It's where you've overcome failure. It's where you've been hurt and had people rally around you. It's a tall order to walk away.

But I am not going to put my name next to somebody that is a knowing sexual predator, especially with children, just with a period at the end. And I was going to say, especially if I'm inviting women into this space, taking their money that's going to pay for this dude's rent. I know, right? Yeah, I can't. I mean, I couldn't in good conscience do that, but I couldn't take 15 men and bring them in there and make that guy one penny richer with um on yeah i'd walk away and i hate that there's no way to guarantee that he wouldn't he wouldn't do

it again and and it was with a young girl at the gym too so it just made it all more all the more kind of in my face is like wow i can't i can't do this because well and you did it again with one of the women that you invite here yeah and you you know as well as i do i hope this doesn't sound bad to the audience who hasn't been a part of these gyms but there's there's never layers i mean there's always layers there's never levels to sexual assault but i particularly find when martial arts instructors are groomers um and it's rare so i don't you think this is a thing like i am can't wait till my daughter goes and does martial arts so it's not that at all but there is a power hierarchy there and a power dynamic and a respect dynamic

that's such an integral part of the class that doesn't exist in so many other social spaces that the violation is so deep and egregious yeah that was you know what i mean when i walked away from the police chief's conversation i was like wow this is this is not okay because that's exactly what he did yeah yeah um i mean if you're my sister i would tell you to never walk back in that gym again okay i'm so glad to hear you say that because i told him i was at least taking a break and possibly never coming back in that gym again. Okay. I'm so glad to hear you say that because I told him I was at least taking a break and possibly never coming back. And he texted me today asking if I could

cover the next two weeks of women's classes. Of course he did. Jeez Louise, I thought we had a conversation about this. Yeah, he doesn't give a crap what you think. Yes. You're just one of the women that makes him money. I want to walk you through how I thought through women that makes him money. I, I, I'm going to, I'm going to walk you through how I thought through this.

Okay. Sure. Cause I also have been doing sexual assault investigations for most of my career. And I understand there's two sides to every story. Okay. The fact that you have worked with him side by side for six years, you have had a mentor-mentee relationship.

You've been through a marriage breakup. You now are an employee. And he didn't have the honor and dignity of either telling you, yeah, I really screwed up or, hey, this story is going out there about me and it's not true. And here's what happened. Instead, he said, I think you're stupid and I'm just going to play dumb. So if he had called you and said, hey, listen, this story is going out about me that I hooked up with a minor. It is not true. It's just simply not. You're, you're in North Carolina.

The consent age is insanely low there. Like, like this is what this is. It's it. That's what I, I won't respect what he did. He manipulated the consent age intentionally. He had known the girl since she was 14 and he waited until she was 16. Yeah.

I mean So in his mind I didn't commit a crime I did exactly what the law said And cool What I was looking for there Is his integrity to have a conversation with you He didn't do that And so

And by the way I don't care what that law is I'm not going to hang out with grown men who sleep with 16 year olds I'm just not I don't want those people in my life I'm not going to learn from is. I'm not going to hang out with grown men who sleep with 16-year-olds. I'm just not. I don't want those people in my life. I'm not going to learn from those people. I'm not going to go have drinks with those people. I don't care what the law is. It's disgusting. It's disturbing.

Can I ask a secondary question? Sure. That adds a little bit of a complicating layer to this. I just want to know how to navigate the second part of this, which is my career is that I teach horseback riding lessons and his daughter has taken lessons from me for the past six years ever since we met each other at the gym.

He was like, oh, you do horses? My kid loves horses. Can she ride with you? Just wondering how to navigate that moving forward. He's a grown man. He gets to make his choices. If he chooses to pull his daughter out,. He gets to make his choices. Okay. If he chooses to pull his daughter out,

then he chooses to pull his daughter out. Well, that's just it. He's not. And I don't think that she deserves to have her life blown up over she can't help that he's a dirtbag. So... As long as it's not some sort of... You don't see any kind of red flag with just

continuing that part I was going to just continue to teach I mean her kid out here that's up to you unless you unless you simply

don't want this man in your presence well he's not usually the one who drops her off and picks her up it's usually the mom yeah that's up to you I mean that's

I wouldn't sleep over that that's up to you your relationship in that scenario is with the kid, right? If he was coming out for horseback riding lessons, I might say, I probably don't want you out here anymore. Yeah. But this one's a little bit different.

And I'll say this. Every case is different. Every case has twists and turns. My guess is, given the North Carolina consent age, and I think, is it 16? Yeah. 16? Yeah. 16? God, that's insane.

It's insane. I mean, golly, dude. That just blows my mind. I need to take a second. If the consent age is... I forgot what I was going to say. Oh, crap. I got all fired up. Don't be sorry. That's on me. I just can't. I forgot even I was gonna say Oh crap I got all fired up don't be sorry

That's on me I just can't I can't wrap my head around the fact that it's 16 Yeah I lost it so There you go that's how good I am at this job You're great I enjoy listening to you And that was one of the reasons why I wanted To get your advice on this

because it's been a lot. Your values always are going to cost you something. Oh, man. Isn't that the truth? Yeah. And walking away is going to cost you professionally. It's going to cost you financially. He may blackball you at another gym. It's just going to cost you.

Yeah. And I don't want to hang out with dudes who groom 14 year olds until they become 16 year olds do you think i have any kind of obligation to try to explain this to any of the women there since i've been asked to keep some of it in confidence by i wouldn't participate in that okay um i have a personal philosophy i don't answer questions unless directly asked um and in this situation I'd probably say I've chosen to not be around him. Okay. And let that be. Oh, I remember what I was going to say. My guess is the consent age was 16. And the police officers told his family or her family, we can drag through this whole thing. And at the end of the day, we think he's going to walk.

Yeah. The police chief indicated that they thought they had enough to put him in jail and get him on a sex offender list, but they opted. I think they just didn't want the police. She said they, the parents didn't want the trauma of a public hearing for their daughter. I get that. But maybe he was going to walk anyway. I don't, I'm no, I'm just saying, I don't,

I only know what I'm being told. They may, man, they, they think they're avoiding trauma by keeping this whole thing quiet. And I can tell you, there will come a day when this little girl looks at mom and dad and says, why didn't you protect me from that guy?

Why is he still out there? That's a mess. I'm sorry, Denise. Thank you so much for thinking through this with me and being brave. And for everybody listening, I hope you can hear. I tried to paint a picture here. Here's why I would make the decision the way I made it. I'm not a fan of grenade throwing.

I am a fan of getting direct information. And when something happens like this, I am a fan of calling somebody very directly and asking some very poignant questions and how they respond and how they treat me with dignity and respect, how they tell the truth, how they avoid it, whatever. That plays a huge role in whether I'm going to ride with you to the end of this thing, or I'm going to say, okay, but your behavior is telling me you don't want me here because you're lying to me. You're not being honest. I'm going to walk away. And remember, at the end of the day, a lie at its core is one person looking to another and saying, I think you're stupider than me.

And I think I can withhold what actually happened. I can withhold truth. You will never know. I'm just not into people calling me stupid. It happens a lot in this job, but I don't love it. That's it, man. Thank you so much for the call, Denise. Let me know how it all goes. We'll be rooting for you. We'll be right back.

All right, we're back. Let's go to Janelle in Phoenix. What's up, Janelle? Hello. How's it going? It's going fairly well. Awesome. How can I help. What's up, Janelle? Hello. How's it going? It's going fairly well. Awesome. How can I help? What's up? Well, I'm calling because I've got an interesting dynamic occurring that I could use a little bit of help and insight with. Awesome. I went through a very difficult divorce about five years ago. I had been married for 15 years,

and the last three years of that marriage was pretty difficult with emotional and just verbal abuse. But when I finally made the decision and had the strength to leave that marriage, I was completely at peace. I had no animosity or bitterness towards him whatsoever. I just wanted better for myself. And I knew that I had done everything that I could do to make our marriage work. I left no stone unturned. At the end of the day, I just didn't have a willing participant in that marriage with me. I had prepared myself and planned for the fact that he would never completely be out of my life due to the fact that we share two children together. But what I could not have anticipated or prepared myself for was how he would continue to be a part of my life through the close associations that he maintains with many of my close family members.

Oh, gosh. Are you kidding me? I wish I was Why? Well I don't It's really complicated There's just so much to it Can I be honest? Usually not I mean usually there's a lot of like Spinning things and firecrackers

And money Is it money? Does he have a lot of money? He does, yes Yeah So I do not. We split. It was a very inequitable divorce. It drove on over two years and I finally just had to kind of throw up my hands and walk away because the piece that I left the marriage with was leaving me. And I was really

starting to have bitterness and hatred towards the father of my children. And I just did not want to feel that way about him. Okay. Can we, can I stop you right there? Can we, let's, let's go back to, you hear me say this a lot, but an effort to choose reality, let's frame this in the right way. Okay. Okay. You traded, you sold your stake in the financial claim for peace. Okay. Five years later, three years later, you can be annoyed at yourself or frustrated that you made that trade, but I wouldn't call it inequitable. It's one that you made. Okay. The second thing is, is hatred is strong.

But if the father of your kids is a scumbag, the father of your kids is a scumbag. And if he's going to try to take the mother of his kids to the cleaners in order to leave her with nothing, that's not a person I want to be around. I've got some friends who've been through divorce that treated each other with such dignity and respect. I laugh at them and said, man, where was that? We are married, right? Trying to burn down the mother of your kids is one of the least noble things I can think of. And so if he's a scumbag, he's a scumbag. Often I hear women who've been divorced, they struggle with saying that somebody's a scumbag, he's a scumbag. Often I hear women who have been divorced, they struggle with saying that somebody's a scumbag because they think it reflects back on you.

Why did I have a family with this guy? Why did I stick around so long? Why did I choose this person? Do you have anything like that? No, and I don't disagree that, I mean, in my eyes, he is a scumbag. And I think that's why it's so difficult for me to make peace with the relationships that he continues to have with my family members. Have you told your family members explicitly, this makes me uncomfortable? very dismissive of um the pain and that he's caused to me and the abuse that i experienced

at his hands um because he's very financially generous with them that's even that makes it worse man that means they like the ride they like the ride i know and so i you know if i had my dream i would wave my magic wand. I would, they would say, you know what, that's very generous of you to offer to me, but I can't in good conscience accept that gift from you, knowing how, how ungenerous you have been. Is that a word? Did I just make words? How, um, the lack of generosity that you have, you know, you failed to be generous or fulfill your obligations to your former spouse and therefore your children um oh janelle janelle

janelle how many times have you played that fantasy out in your mind maybe three or four times i don't know yeah right three or four thousand or 4,000. Okay, I just feel this sense. I'm going to be super honest with you. What I'm going to say is going to be really hard. Is that cool? Yep. Your family has chosen him over you. And I hate that for you.

I do too. This isn't about him. And this isn't about your and this isn't about your family this is about you listening to this conversation the person I'm most mad at the person I'm having the most difficulty with is your family

not him I don't get mad at a rattlesnake for being a rattlesnake I walk away I don't interact with rattlesnakes but dude this is your family. And they've been my best friends. And that's where I'm having.

They haven't. Yeah. Let me tell you what best friends. This is how one of my closest friends in the world is named John and his wife is named Jennifer. And she's ride or die. She called me one time on my phone. This is years ago. She said, I just met so-and-so who says they know you.

Here's what she followed up with. Are we friends with her or not? And I said, yes. And she goes, cool. She was saying, we ride or die. Are we letting somebody else in this little group? Because if not, cool, I'm moving on with my life. That's how best friends roll.

Best friends don't see what you're going to give them, and then as soon as you turn your back, turn to the person who hurt their their child their sister their brother and say hey can you make my life a little shinier i mean you got parsed out for 20 pieces of silver dude it breaks my heart for you yeah mine too that's like as if divorce isn't hard enough, you know, and just grieving all of that that comes with that. And then to feel like it's just forever altered the dynamics of my relationships with my sister, my best friend, because two of her children is going through a lot of health. She and her husband are going through a lot of health challenges, and my ex has made several donations to them to help them. And on the other hand, Dr. John, I'm so grateful, right? Because he's helping my nieces and my nephews and getting them out of some sticky situations. But it's just so gross and it feels calculated by him too

as another way to kind of control and manipulate and rub in my face. What if you completely unplugged from him? This is me completely changing tracks let me say this i'm completely changing what i said earlier okay so the story as it goes i feel like your family has chosen him he's got money he's got resources and they're gonna they've gone that way but what if you just went to 30 000 feet and he can make all the calculations he wants, but you're not even in the math class anymore. And he can donate money

and help people with their medical bills. Good on him. But I'm not going to give him another second. And it might feel gross to you, but your friend's getting her cancer treatment or whatever. So good on them. And when you show up, if he happens to be invited to a thing, I'm going to go. And your friends could know if you choose to invite him over, you're choosing for me to not be here.

That's fair. I'll just go. But I think the soul tax you're expending on this dude is killing you, right? Yes, it is. And that's what I want. I want to give him less emotional real estate, you know, and mental real estate in my life and in my brain. And I just don't know how to, but at the same time, the people, my normal confidants are,

I'm, I feel like I'm losing them. You are. Yeah. And the fact that you haven't forgiven him yet is drowning you, not him. Yeah, I know.

You got to let him go, man. I know. You're still mad about what happened, huh? Well, yeah. And I think I'm so frustrated because I can't even explain how at peace I was when we finally separated. I just couldn't imagine all the muck he would drag me through in the divorce. And when I left, I'd stayed home with our boys for 10 years and I had collected two paychecks from my new job when I moved out and moved in with my parents. And I'm still there

five years later with my parents. Meanwhile, he's bought another business and he's purchased a million dollar home. And I know that it's not healthy for me to dwell on those things. Janelle, this is jealousy. Let it go. It's poisoning you. And you've heard that a million times, but you're drinking poison. Hope he dies. Hoping he dies. And then there's something to be said for applauding the fact that your kids are going to be able to go to college. Because their dad's a millionaire. But five years later, you're at your parents' house because you still are choosing to be at your parents' house. True or false?

I'm priced out of the market. I could not afford to, I just went back to school, finished my degree, a second degree, and I'm currently working towards being able to afford moving out. Yes. Okay. The jealousy and the frustration and the poison are not worth it. He's still running your life and he's not even there. Well, he is, he shows up at family events and, but, but yes, I, yeah, he's there more than just that too. And that's what I'm, I'm wanting to let go, but it feels like I've got to let go of relationships in my family too, which is hard. And another thing to be bitter about, right?

And I don't want to be, it's just, sorry, I am, but I want, I, I want to be free of that. Whenever somebody hurts us,

whenever somebody violates our, our relationship, bitterness feels like we've regained some sort of control over them bitterness feels good sometimes we don't talk about that enough but being pissed off feels good

and the only problem with it is it doesn't work it doesn't work. It doesn't change them or alter them. Most of the time, they don't even know. It just destroys us. So you've heard me say this a thousand times, and I'll probably end up saying it a thousand times more.

I would love for you to go to a local Home Depot and pick up a couple of cinder blocks and put some duct tape on them or put some masking tape on them. And right down in the black marker on that masking tape, this man abused me and he hurt me. And he dragged me through the mud. And he wasn't just this man. He was your best friend. He was your husband. He's the dad of your kids. You had plans with this guy. He was your life. And I want you to carry that cinder block around until it gets so heavy. Your hands are exhausted. Your shoulders are exhausted. And then I want you to go to the backyard in your parents' house and throw that sucker down and let it sit. But consciously say, I'm no longer carrying him. And I want you to tear off that piece of tape and wad it up and throw it away.

And mark that day as the day I decided to stop carrying him. And then over the next couple of months, when something pops up, something pops up, something pops up, that thought, that anger, that frustration, that jealousy, you can say to yourself, not carrying that anymore. And your body will have a moment. It'll have stuck a flag in the ground. It says, this is the day that I quit carrying this. And this is the day I decided to start building something new. You haven't started building something new. You're still just sitting in the ash of what was. So pissed. Is that fair? Yeah, it's fair.

And you may have to do that same thing with another cinder block about your sister. Yeah. And your best friend. And, and, and, and. I'm sorry. And there is a gratitude side to this that he's a dad that still shows up to kids stuff and you got to grit your teeth and smile

and you'll both have to be adults for your kids. You can do that. You can do hard things like that. He can too. What you're going to find is when he realizes he has lost his grasp over you, the dynamic will change. I promise it will change. But until then, you can practice it. And let's make a plan to get our two feet underneath us. Let's make a, in eight months, I'm moving out of my parents' house, even if it's

into a small apartment. In 12 months, I'm fill in the blank. In 16 months, I'm just beginning to build something new. And not just make snow angels in the ash of what was. Our lives are so quick and they're

so short. It's just waste of being bitter and angry. Even when I'm so bitter and angry. You're worth so much more, Janelle. So much more. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of my best-selling book, Own Your Past, Change Your Future.

I want you to go through that and it will give you a roadmap out. Thank you so much for the call. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life.

Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, this is super weird, but the other day, Kelly was in the office wearing kind of this halter top-y thing that was super inappropriate for work. But right underneath her armpit, it's the strangest tattoo of the Jonas Brothers. Who would have thought? I love the Jonas Brothers, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I know, but most of us don't get our loves tattooed in our armpits.

You do you. Kelly knows how to roll. That's how she rolls. And so today's song is Waffle House. This better not be throwing some shade at one of my favorite restaurants. The Jonas Brothers sing in their poetic brilliance. Hey, now, we never knew how to forfeit. Hey, now, but we always knew how to talk. Hey Hey now, but we always knew how to talk.

Hey now, couple nights through gasoline on the fire. Hey now, we never knew how to perfect. Hey now, but we always knew it'd work. What are they talking about? Hey now, how about we make a complete sentence? Because if something misread or if something got said, know before the night ends. No, don't get distressed. It's going to get figured out. Make a complete sentence. Because if something misread or if something got said, know before the night ends.

No, don't get distressed. It's going to get figured out. Oh, deep conversation at the Waffle House. All right. I think we're done. Kelly, show your armpit to the screen because that's going to only thing. No? Yeah, we don't want to see that to see that hey America we love you bye