The Dr. John Delony Show - How Can I Be More Confident in Dating?

Episode Date: June 15, 2022

Today, we hear from a woman with extreme road anxiety who wants to change, a 31-year-old with cerebral palsy who feels confident in every area of life except dating, and a young woman desperate for a relationship with her absent father. Lyrics of the Day: 'When I Get Where I'm Going" - Brad Paisley/Dolly Parton Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I am 31, but I have cerebral palsy. I walk independently with no assistant devices or anything like that. When it comes to dating, because I just don't feel like I'm the one someone's going to choose, I sabotage it before it even starts. Ah, there you go. Oh, he doesn't like me. Yeah.

What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you're with us. It's the best mental health show of all time. My friends tell me that I speak mostly in hyperbole, and so there's probably some truth to that, too. Some, some. And I hope you're doing so well. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291, or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And man, I'll do the best I can. We'll try to figure it out.

All right. Hey, in the great news, dude, I'm excited to announce. We've got five, five new additions of questions for humans cards coming. We have several down, down the, we're releasing them in, in segments here.

So, uh, we've got five new ones coming and then we're going to have a few more that we release, um, towards the end of the summer for teachers and for workplace stuff. And then we're going to have the Deloney After Dark questions about sex and intimacy. They're going to be coming out about around Christmas.

But the five new ones we got coming out. Awesome. Oh, this one, workplace edition, dating edition. So we had one that was for couples that had been married and seeing each other for a while. This one is, hey, we are taking our relationship to the next level. We're no longer just going to be internet. Hey, how are you doing? We're actually going to meet in person. And so this is dating edition. There's a guy's night and a girl's night. I was not a fan of this. Y'all were. And the questions kept, hey, we just want to go have girl's night

and we want to have, take a deck with us. We want to have just a bunch of dudes getting together, and we want to have additions. And I was like, man, if you're friends, we're friends, we're friends. And the number of times I've gone out when it's just men and women is outnumbered. I think the times when it's just been the bros. But y'all kept asking, like, no, no, no, we want girls night questions. We want guys night. So just so y'all know, we did get some extraordinary, brilliant women of across age ranges to pitch in on this. So it's not just a group of dudes who sat in a room.

It was not just from my head. Like, I don't know. So anyway, Girls' Night edition, Guys' Night edition, and then Parents and Teens. That was another one that we got a lot of requests for. I'm staring at my teenager, and they have morphed into into an alien and I don't know what to do next. And so we got those for you. Workplace, dating edition, girls night out, guys night out, parents and teens. Go to johndeloney.com slash humans and they start June 20th.

Dude, I'm so excited about these. It's so small. It's so little. The question, the cards that have been out there, and when I say little, like there's no tech, there's no, nothing fancy. The number of people who've written in, moms, dads, coworkers, romantic partners, who, you name it, grandparents who've said, this just gave me an avenue into the hearts and minds of those that i love or it helped us in an awkward situation or we laughed so hard or we cried so hard um i found out things about my wife that i i mean i've been with her 25 years and i found things out about her that i didn't know just from these cars so man pick them up johndeloney.com

slash humans i'm excited about it man it's gonna be fun right, let's go to Sherry in Brookton Dale, New York. What's up, Sherry? Hi, Dr. Deloney. What are you up to? Work. What kind of work do you do? I'm a registered nurse. Oh, you've had a boring few years. Yeah, right. How are you, for real? Good. Good. Good. Good. That's tough. That's tough, tough, tough. And in New York, nonetheless, good grief. Yeah. All right. So what's up? How can I help? So my, my question or concern is I have, um, I I'm naturally an anxious person, but when I'm in a vehicle with somebody else, especially as a passenger, my anxiety is through the roof. Natural, you know, back roads I do fine with, but high traffic situations, you know, stopping, like when there's a lot of traffic around traffic lights the highway is the worst

even with my husband we've been married for almost I think 27 years and my anxiety I used to be pretty cool about things and it's just gotten it's terrible the last couple years

did something happen to set it off? And it's just gotten, it's terrible the last couple of years. Did something happen to set it off? No, I mean, not really. Maybe, I want to say 20 years ago, I was following somebody, a friend and I were, you know, in a vehicle. And she had pointed out to me that the car in front of us was swerving a little bit. And the car actually in front of me went over a yellow line and was hit head on by a tractor trailer. And then the tractor trailer came in front of me. So luckily I had backed off or I think I would have, we would have been,

you know, in that accident. Um, okay. So you just telling me that your heart started beating faster. Yeah. I could, your voice changed a little bit. Oh, okay. When you talk about that story, you tell somebody that story You tell somebody that story You remember that story Yes Yeah pretty much Detail for detail You can feel it on you Right Yeah

Okay Alright So Yep Then all of a sudden In the last couple of years This pops up Is this getting in the way

Of your life I know that sounds like A dumb question But I mean It could just be A simple answer Well just don't drive On the highway

Tell me where this is Getting involved This is messing your life Up a little bit I know that sounds like a dumb question, but I mean, it could just be a simple answer. We'll just don't drive on the highway. Tell me where this is getting involved. This is messing your life up a little bit. It is. It is. My husband and I are to the point now where we're arguing in the car and he's like, and he's a, he's a school bus driver. So he does this for a living. Oh, there's nothing, nothing that husbands like more when they're good at like two things in the world.

And their wife is like, you know what? You should be doing it. Yeah, and that's exactly me. I tell him what to do. Turn here. Look here. Look out for that car. Don't do that, Sherry.

Don't do that. I know. It's really bad. And then my boys, I have two sons who, you know, I was helping them with their getting their driver's license. And so I was often in the backseat because I'm the obnoxious, worried mom. And I tried my best to keep my mouth shut, but still it was hard. So literally a backseat driver. Yes, I am, no matter who it is. And I'm not saying this to shame you. I'm saying this just as a fact.

That creates then, how many boys you got? I have two. Okay. That creates a legacy of anxious drivers that they will then pass on to, do you see how that goes? Yep. Right. And I know you know that. I know that's one of the reasons why you want to. So two big things here. I'll start off with a question that I always ask people who are wrestling with intense anxiety like this, especially one that's escalating, that's seemingly getting worse over time. Okay. And this sounds like I'm making fun of you with this question and I'm not,

I'm deeply serious about this question. And I think it's where every single person struggling with anxiety should start. And that is, do you want to be free of this or is this serving a purpose in your life that you want to hang on to? No, there's no purpose. It needs to go. Okay. Okay. It needs to go. Sometimes when somebody, maybe they've been assaulted or they've got some sort of existential fear about being alone with a man, right? They'll tell me when they're in the presence of any man, good guys, neutral guys, guys I've never met, their body sounds the alarms, right? Their heart starts beating a little bit faster.

Their hands get clammy. They get that warmth in their stomach. That fear response kicks up. And they don't want to let that go because there's this perception that that's keeping me safe. It's not, but it feels like a defense, like a protective layer that I don't want to let that go because there's this perception that that's keeping me safe. It's not, but it feels like a defense, like a protective layer that I don't want to give up. And so I always ask people, and you can extrapolate that across anything. I always ask,

do you want this to be done? So you want this completely done with. You want to be able to hop in a car, drive on the highway, ride on the highway, kick your feet up, laugh? Absolutely. Yes, that is what I want. Okay. So here's two ways we're going to approach this. This isn't every situation, but this is your situation. I think this is a great place for most people to start. First is you have an acute situation. You were almost killed in a car on the highway. Okay. And so the word I use there is ownership. You have to own that almost happened to you. You have to own that when you get on a highway, you are turning over your life to thousands of other strangers going in the same direction, opposite directions for you. And any one of them can move their wheel one inch and kill you. You have to just own that. And it almost happened to you, right? So a big thing about our anxiety is it builds this big fake wall in front of reality. And so one of the cornerstones of getting well from anxiety is

saying this could happen And for you it almost did and your body put a gps pin, you know When you tell somebody where to be in that little it's almost a heart shape, but it's not quite And it's a little gps pin your body put a pin in that And said this situation is not safe Just as though 10 000 years ago You were walking through the woods and you saw a bear cha-cha on the ground and your body put a pin in that and said, this area is not safe because this is where the bears are.

Let's go find food somewhere else. Same neurological mechanism at work here. It put a pin in highways and said, not safe. But life happens, and we are really good at coming up with distractions and duct tape and figuring out other ways to get through life. So we get angry. We get raged out. We white knuckle it. We have another drink, another drink.

We cheat. We come up with distractions for ourselves. And we can distract ourselves for five years, 10 years, 15, 20 years. And then what did you say your job was? You're a nurse? Yeah. Yeah. The last two years have been utter hell, right?

Oh, for sure. And I drive a lot. I work with developmentally disabled people in group homes. Okay. And I have to drive a long ways to get to my work. Okay. So what you have is a—you've heard of the phrase secondary traumatic stress? Yep.

You live in other people's pain for a living. That's what you do. You provide hope and light and connectivity to people in the darkest moments, people who are alone and isolated with disabilities. That's what you do. And you do that over time and your body begins to shift how it sees the world, that everything is pretty dark and pretty messy. And then you throw a pandemic in on top of it. And the normal things that keep us well and whole, like human connection, like exercise, like sunlight, like good sleep, suddenly goes away. And all anxiety is, is an alarm system letting you know that you're not safe, you're disconnected, or you're in a situation where you can't control. And quite honestly,

when you're on the highway, we're as safe as we could be driving down the highway in 2,000 pound metal boxes at 70 or 80 miles an hour. There is little control we have over what our neighbors are going to do on the roads. We can only control ourselves. And so two out of the three things there are already on the table for our little primitive brains that are trying to adapt from riding a horse to suddenly driving down the road in a Volkswagen, right? So when the rest of your coping mechanisms have gotten thin over the last few years, it doesn't surprise me in the least.

In fact, it makes perfect sense that the alarms about the highway have gotten louder and louder and louder. That's just a distraction from the broader picture, which is you're not okay. You're tired. You're exhausted. Your relationships are messy. And my guess is you got teenage boys now. Is that right? One's 22 and the other is 19.

Oh, see, now you're starting to have pictures of your life when they're not in them and they're going off to do their things, right? Yeah, it was very hard when they first got their licenses. Very hard. But it's hard because you lose that sense of control, right? Now they're off in the world. But also it's a transition. My little boy's growing up. And that means my life is going to be different.

See what I'm saying? Like it shifts. And so what your body's feeling is this ultimate everything starting to move on us. The boys are going to college. They're going to move away. I'm going to have to look at this husband of mine and go, what are we going to do now? And he's just a bus driver. And you're like, turn left, turn, right? And we're going to have to figure out who we are. And so here's what I want you to do. I want you to do two important things moving forward, okay? This is going to sound ridiculous.

Actually three, all right? Three things. First one is, I want you to write a letter to the family, the imaginary family that died in that car wreck 20 years ago. Okay? Yes. I want you to imagine a name for them. Tell them that you're sorry that they died in the car. That you know they had hopes and dreams and that they are gone and you never met them but you miss them and you're sorry that that happened and what we're doing there is we're connecting the fight or flight part of your brain

to right now you weren't safe then you're safe. And what we're trying to do over time is to calm that part down that every time you get in a car. The second thing is when you get in the car, it would probably be good, honestly, if you wrote your 20-year-old, 20-year past self a letter too that acknowledges we almost died, right? So dear Sherry, 20 years ago, we were driving on the road, man. If it wasn't for one phone call, we would have been dead, but we made it and we're okay. And that was scary, right? I want you, and what we're doing is we're just letting our bodies acknowledge that happened, but we're okay now. And then the second thing is I want you to begin to look at what are the alarms telling you about your current ecosystem? Are you exhausted?

When's the last time you exercised? How's your diet? How is your marriage? What's your sex life like, your intimacy life? Are you and your husband pulling apart? Are y'all coming together? How are you grieving the loss of your boys? Their childhoodness. Now they're adults, right? They're going to start kissing a girl, right?

Whatever's going to happen is going to start happening. You've got to start acknowledging that stuff. And I want you to be honest about it and find somebody you can tell. If you and your husband have a great relationship, that could be a great place. And when I've seen this done, it's a teary sobbing mess because our bodies have been trying to solve for these things, but our heads are just, all right, got to go to the next meeting, got to go to the next thing, got to go to Little League. And our bodies are trying to solve for this over and over and over and over again, while our heads are just trying to stay in the game. And then the third thing is you have to be honest about your job, that secondary traumatic stress. I had to transition from one job to another when I was healing from anxiety.

We took a massive household income pay cut to do it. I had to go work with a smaller group of students. I still did the same job. I just did it with 500 students instead of 4,000. And that allowed me over time to heal up. And I had to start serving my local community. I had to do some different things. I don't know what that's going to be for you. I've also had seasons when I'm super anxious and I kept my same job and things were fine. I just had to be intentional about my boundaries at work and not

taking everything. And I can't control all this stuff, right? Ultimately, oh, here's the fourth one. You're going to have to decide to get on the road and acknowledge it every time you get in the car for a season. I'm about to get in the car, and I'm going to drive safe. And that's the best I can do, okay? And when your body starts to get anxious on you, before you flip out, ask yourself, what are we nervous about right now? Like, what's my body trying to tell me? That we're going 90 miles an hour in a little square kia. Yeah, that's pretty terrifying

But I got it You see what i'm doing? I'm taking the i'm taking the gas out of that that anxiety engine Why is why is my body doing this? Oh, because that guy's driving like a moron I'm gonna back 10 miles an hour off or I'm going to back 10 miles an hour off Or I'm going to speed up 10 miles an hour and pass him Because I don't want to be in the vicinity of that person Oh man, every time I see a tractor trailer My heart starts beating really fast

I'm just going to get curious And I'm going to stop going to war with my body Tell me if I'm wrong Now you've gotten to a point where When y'all have to go somewhere You get anxious about the fact that you're going to get anxious Yeah, yep, yep And it's, yeah when y'all have to go somewhere, you get anxious about the fact that you're going to get anxious. Yeah. Yep. Yep. And it's, yes, we, we have a trip planned and we decided to fly because my husband nor I could handle the drive. It would be a disaster. So.

Ah, awesome. It could have been a good time, but let's fly on this one, and then let's start practicing. And this is going to sound silly, but I want you to tell your husband, hey, Saturday, we're just going to go to a 30-minute drive on the highway, and I'm going to practice saying nothing. I'm going to practice loosening the grip on the steering wheel, or I'm going to not grab the little door handle while you're driving. Right. The emergency brake that doesn't exist. Exactly. My pedal. I'm going to put my feet up on the dashboard with no shoes, and I'm going to paint my toenails while you drive.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. What we're doing here, practice. We're just practicing not being anxious. And in short order, your body will begin to realize, oh, she's driving now. We don't have to run this thing from the fight or flight anymore because Sherry's in control. We're here when you need us. The next time some idiot drives crazy, which they will, we're ready.

We're ready. We'll flood you full of adrenaline and cortisol, and we'll help you think, move a little bit faster than your brain's even thinking. But until then, Sherry's got this. And it's a choice. I'm going to decide to be less anxious over time. I'm going to be curious about it when my alarms go off. And if you're honest with yourself, those anxiety alarms go off more so than when you're in the car. My guess is they're going off a lot. That's just a place where there's a GPS pin in your life. And it's easy to go, oh, that's where it is. My guess is there's a disconnect with your boys. This is a time of transition for your marriage.

This is a time of exhaustion from work. This is a global mess we're all dealing with. It's expensive to buy gas. All those things are happening. And my guess is your anxiety alarms are running across the board right now now as they are in lots and lots and lots and lots of us. And it's just easy to point at the driving. That's where it all surfaces. That's the volcano, but it's been churning underneath all that. So what we're going to do is we're going to work to have a life that goes, the only word I can say here that doesn't sound cheesy is peace.

I was going to sleep. We're going to get our sex life back. We're going to start eating better. We're going to go for walks in the evening or in the mornings. Peace. And then your body will stop sounding the alarms, just willy nilly. And then finally, you won't hassle him about the turn signal. Let the guy drive. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel.

Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their Home Buyer Edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works.

Apply to become a Churchill-certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we're back. Let's go to Chelsea in Columbus, Ohio. What's up, Chelsea? Hi, how are you? So good. How are you? I'm well, thanks. So my question today is how do I build confidence while dating? And some backstory to that is that I am 31, but I have cerebral palsy. I walk independently with no assistant devices or anything like that,

but I just struggle in this one area of life and I don't know how to fix it. Okay, so tell me about you. What do you do? Where are you from? Where did you grow up? I'm from Ohio. I work for the state commerce compliance department. Oh, that's just a barrel of monkeys.

It's fun. I really like it. My team is really cool. Did you know in the history of the English language, no one has ever uttered the sentence you just uttered? The compliance in whatever department is fun and I like it. No one's ever said those

words ever. You're like Shakespeare now. That's fantastic. I'm so glad you love your work, man. My buddy works in compliance for the government, and he loves it. And I would rather set my face on fire just to see if I can still feel things. And so, hey, somebody has to do that. I'm so grateful for you. How'd you get this job?

How'd you get into it? Well, that's funny, too. My degree is in healthcare administration, but right before the pandemic, I just decided to try something new. Started applying for different jobs and ended up in this agency. I had worked for other agencies that were more dealing with the public before that and then just kind of stumbled upon this because I met somebody who worked in this department at a meeting and just kind of liked what they had to say. So I applied for the job and got it. Have you ever seen The Matrix? No.

Well, there's a scene in The Matrix, just Google dodging bullets when Keanu Reeves leans back and the bullets fly by him. That's what you just did with COVID by getting out of public health 30 minutes before the whole thing went down. Good for you, man. It's so true. Literally like days before. Where'd you grow up? Columbus. I still live where I grew up in the same town.

You said that like you failed something. Do you want to go somewhere else? No, I just, that's all I've ever known. I just like it. I like it. I like the familiarity between it. My friends are here. I have a big

friend group here that I really like. So good. You're delightful. Thank you. I work with a lot of mean, pushy people. Just kidding. Kelly's nice. She's nice.

But you sound delightful. So tell me about this dating mess. So I really didn't even know that I had a problem. I have a core group of friends, but I would say there's like eight couples that go out constantly, and then there's me. So I always joke that I'm everybody's girlfriend. And, you know, we go out and it's like I never feel like the third wheel. I never feel like I'm not part of the group because they've just always made me feel that way. And one of our waitresses one time that we regularly get, she said, I couldn't figure out who you were dating because you walk in on somebody else's arm all the time because we always hold hands as we walk so that I don't fall and things like that.

And she said, it's just funny. She said, they just love you. And I said, I know. And I won this kindness award at work and I sent it in the group chat and I got all kinds of, you know, congratulations and all that. And then one of my best friends, he said, Chelsea, you're the only one who doesn't get to experience your own kindness. You're not kind to yourself. And I wish that you were.

And I said, oh, I never really thought about that. He said, you're so kind to everybody else. I've been in 17 weddings. Wow. It's my fair share. Yeah. I don't have 17 friends. That's incredible.

It's great. My closet is full of these dresses I refuse to get That's incredible. It's great. My closet is full of these dresses I refuse to get rid of, but it's great. And it's a little expensive, but hey, you know, it's like one of those things. I don't struggle when it comes to building relationships, but I struggle when it comes to dating because I just don't feel like I'm the one someone's going to choose. I always say, I think God blinked when he made me, but only in the dating area. Oh, man. It doesn't make any sense. Oh, it does. It does. It does. It does. You're not crazy, okay?

Thanks. And my one promise on this show, I'm going to get answers wrong. I might get this one wrong, but my promise is always tell the truth, okay? And I know this, that kindness often, people who are very, very kind are often very, very lonely too. Is that fair? Yeah. Yeah. And there is a relational lonely, and you're surrounded by people, right? There's a proximity to loneliness.

You're surrounded by people who sound like they're amazing. Like that's, you won the lottery when it comes to that. And then there's- I say that every night. See, that's awesome. Then there's emotional loneliness, where I can be in a crowded room surrounded by people who love me and that I love and I feel completely and totally alone.

Because nobody knows I would do anything for someone to be looking me up and down right now. I would do anything for someone to squeeze my hand under the table. Right? And I'm not going to say that out loud because I want to bring everybody's room down because I'm kind and all these folks in here are really nice

and so I'm not going to, I'm going to make sure, oh, they're so great, right? You know what I'm saying? Is that you? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's hard for me to admit that, but it's like you hit the nail on the head there. So, when's the last time you spoke out loud, here's what I want, and here's what I need, and here's what I don't have? Because you're somebody who sees yourself as broken. You see yourself as less than, so much that you even blame God for like, ah, he whiffed on the assembly line.

And that's how you see yourself. And the people around you don't see yourself that way. But when they don't see you that way, you put imaginary things in the mix. Have you ever said these words? Well, they're nice to me because i've got cp or they invite me out because they don't want me to be lonely because they're nice no well no they my friends they've been around for so long but they don't even see it anymore like it's just a natural thing and i want to get to that point with somebody in a dating

situation too and i know that i can get there, but I just, I sabotage it before it even starts. Oh, he doesn't like me. So have you ever had, have you ever had somebody be ugly to you dating? Or something weird? Okay. Tell me about that. So I tried like the online thing. And so, because that's how everybody meets people nowadays. And so I noticed that when I would mention it up front, they would become very sympathetic and just, and they wouldn't want to just go away. They

want to talk about it, but they weren't interested in dating anymore. But then when there was one time that I didn't mention it and I met them in person and his reaction, even though I didn't, I don't think it was his fault, but it was extremely poor because he was so distracted by what he didn't realize what he was getting into or something, you know? So he was just so distracted by that, that he couldn't see me for who I was. So it wasn't a productive date by any means. And he just wasn't, his reaction wasn't kind. I'll leave it at that, but it was very unkind. So Chelsea, he was an ass, not you.

Right? Yeah. His reaction was his poor reaction. It's not a reflection of some shortcoming you have. You're different, and you're unique. Is that fair? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Which CP do you have? Like which bucket is it in? It's the spasticity. Spastic, okay. So, and you say, is it one lower body? That's been basically my legs. Okay. So when somebody hears that

on an online chat, I've got cerebral palsy, A, most people don't know what that is. B, they're going to Google it and get to WebMD. And we all know, like, I got a headache. Well, probably because you have a brain tumor

and you're going to be dead in 48 hours, right? So when somebody gets that online, they don't have a context for it, okay? And I'm going to, like, I'll give them grace for that. You know what that means. You know what I mean? I don't know what that is. I don't know. I don't think you owe somebody that up front.

I also would much rather you meet somebody in person Because you're a delightful human being And you're surrounded by cool people Thank you It feels like Is dating feel safer online? Because you're afraid of someone Being an idiot to you?

No, I hate online I really do I hate online. I really do. I hate it. Can I be super, super honest with you? Yes. My guess is before this crew, and maybe you've been around forever, but you've got a lifetime of people side-eyeing you and or snickering or feeling exposed as you walk through the mall or you walk through an airport.

Yeah. And that baggage comes with you every time you reach out to connect with somebody. those bricks in your backpack, for lack of better analogy, that stuff that's happened, those side eyes, those little bitty things have been a pebble in your backpack, pebble in your backpack. Some idiotic moron said something to you in fourth grade because they were nine and they threw a cinder block in your backpack. You've probably got those stories, right?

Or some well-meaning goofball at your church, whatever has happened. And all the evidence now points to you are wonderful. So much so that people would rather hang out with you than have a romantic rendezvous alone. That's how cool you are. That's how fun you are to have around. You know what I mean?

Even the waitress at the bar y'all frequent think you're some kind of player, dude, because you got a new dude every time. You know what I mean? Well, I walk in with the girls too. She wasn't sure. Hey, dude, she thinks you are, yeah, you are playing across the field, right? So here's the thing. The evidence in your life suggests that people love connecting with you. And so the only – and this is hard because there are idiots. You experience them. There are people that don't know what to say or they think they know what to say and they say the wrong thing that are uncomfortable around physical differences or they've never been around people who aren't fully able-bodied.

All those things happen. And so there will be some grace on your part. And you probably have a pretty good radar when someone's being an idiot or they just don't know and someone's being a jerk. Right? I mean, you're pretty savvy, right? You can tell, like, don't say that. I've got friends in my life.

My best friend on Planner is a paraplegic. I've had other people who are not able-bodied come up and be like, yeah, that may be funny for y'all because y'all have known each other for 40 years. Don't say that in public. Right? And so you know if someone's being a jerk or someone's – and your friends probably get away with stuff too, right? And if they're your real friends, they should. Okay, good. Here's what I want you to remember. That if somebody rejects you, makes a comment, does something dumb because of your differences, that's a sign that they are less than, not you.

Okay? And the only way forward is for you to take a risk. And my promise to you is you're going to get hurt doing this. And my promise to you is it's the only way you're going to finally let some of those walls down that bridge that gap from friend to, no, you're the one I've been looking for. And the only way to make that bridge is for you to take a risk. I'm willing to do that. And what I'm telling you is it's, you're worth that risk.

Well, thank you. And walking around walking around shielding yourself from your heart from love man, you're not protecting that guy that's going to get suckered into falling in love with somebody who is deficient.

You're just going to keep yourself from true connections in that way. Don't do that to Chelsea. You're my friend. Don't do that to Chelsea. You're my friend. Don't do that. Is that fair? Yes, I appreciate that. Okay. Yeah. So moving forward, here's the task. I want you to get with your friends and I want you to, do you, do you watch The Office? Yeah. Do you remember that time Michael Scott comes out and he's like, I declare bankruptcy. And they were all like, yes, that's not really how that works.

Remember that? That's going to be you. And I want you to get with a core group of five or six or 10 people and say, Chelsea's officially on the prowl. And I'm going to take risks because I want romantic connection, period. And my guess is they'll all cheer for you and be like, oh, thank God, I've got so-and-so. Or they may not, but I want you to declare it. Say it out loud, okay? Okay. Protecting your needs and protecting what you want from everybody else is not kind, it's dishonest, okay? So start telling people what you actually need

and what you actually want and you can tell them I love hanging out with you of course I'm coming out but if I see him I'm leaving you guys you're going to have to uber yourself home right you know what I mean yeah

are you worth it well I hope so no no Chelsea I am. No, no. Chelsea. I am. Yes. Yes.

Yes. And there's somebody who is dying for a hilarious, kind, fun, open woman like yourself? I hope. Nope. I'm going to find them. Nope. Hey, if you will just be still and open your heart up, y'all will find each other.

They're not hiding from you somewhere. And you're going to get hurt, and there's going to be idiots, and there's going to be people who say the wrong thing and they don't really mean it, but I didn't mean to say it like that. I meant to say it like this. And just so you know,

that happens in non-able, I mean, in fully able-bodied relationships too. The number of times I've said a thing and I didn't mean to say it like that with my wife. Oh gosh, a lot, a lot. Okay. I want you to begin

walking through life seeing yourself that if somebody has the opportunity to be with you, they won the lottery. Not they're settling for less than. Okay? Okay. Do you promise that?

I will. I promise. Okay. Homework assignment tonight. Two things. Number one, you're going to get the gang together. It doesn't have to be tonight, but you're going to call and get them together and say, I'm making a declaration. Number two, you are going to write Chelsea a letter tonight. Okay. And that letter is going to be one of strength and sexiness and laughter.

And here's what I bring. And here's where I'm strong. And here's where somebody would be the luckiest freaking guy on planet Earth to have me. And yes, I walk with a limp and they're going to have to hold my hand. Big freaking deal. Right. Right? It's not a big deal.

Well, then you quit making it. I know. I'm trying to convince myself when I say it out loud enough that it's not. No, it's time that you get quiet and write yourself a letter. Okay? Okay. Because, hey, here's the deal. It is a big deal.

You have cerebral palsy. It's a big deal. It's not something to be minimized, right? No. And you're still lovable. Why? Thank you. Am I just saying that?

I don't, I don't. You're like, oh, well, thank you. As though I just saying that I don't I don't you're like oh well thank you as though I just complimented your wallpaper okay cool same team

I yes yes we're on the same team alright if you're really brave I want you to write that

yourself that letter and I want you to mail it to me okay cool is that fair I will yep

and if mean things come out in that letter, write it all down. Get it all out there on that paper. Okay? Okay. And I want you to go back to what your buddy said. I want you to start treating Chelsea as though she's worthy of being loved. And she's beautiful. And she's sexy.

And she's funny. And she's worth the romantic relationship. Cool? Yes. Because you're the one holding you back right now. And a whole cascade of idiotic morons on the internet, but ta-da, they're holding everything else back too, right? Is that fair?

Yeah. Okay, you are hands down one of the most delightful people I've ever gotten to talk to on this show. And you're hands down one of the bravest people. You've been navigating a hard, hard row ahead of you. It's hard. And people don't get it. And, man, somebody is...

Talk about winning the lottery. Talk about winning a scratch-off with you. It's going to be pretty impressive. Ah, you're so great, Chelsea. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes

more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self

behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves.

If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time

for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's take Una Mas. Let's go to Nicole in Birmingham.

Hey, Nicole, what's up? Hey, how are you doing? I'm good. How are you? Good. What's up? How can I help? So my question was, how do I have a relationship with my dad if my mom won't let me?

So a little bit of backstory to that. Hold on, hold on, hold on. How old are you? I'm 21. Mom doesn't get a vote. Mom doesn't get a vote. I know. I don't care.

Whatever you're about to say, I don't care. Mom doesn't get a vote. It's more of I don't want to hurt her feelings type thing. She is choosing to have her feelings hurt if you choose to love your dad. Yes. And that's a choice that you can't manage. I know I'm cutting you off and I'm being rude,

but all of your story, and I want to hear it, but you can't manage the emotional dysregulation of the adults in your life. You can only manage yours. Yes, sir. Okay. Don't say, sir, we're the same age. Okay, go. So what's, tell me the story. So the backstory is my parents divorced when I was 13. I was a daddy's girl, of course. Why'd they divorce? I really don't know the full true story. Neither

one of them will tell me the true story. I think it was a little bit of cheating on both ends. Okay. And I just never got the full story since I was so young. Okay. Well, so they divorced, and my dad stayed around for a while. And then a year later, his family lives in Illinois. So he moved off to Illinois,

didn't tell me, just left, didn't try to make a relationship with me or anything like that. About six years later, he reached out, and my mom got pretty mad about it because he didn't pay, like, any child support. He didn't try to get in touch with me for six years. She was just kind of over it, like, you don't need him. You're fine.

And so it's kind of been on and off for a while now between me and him. He'll try to make a relationship and then he'll make excuses of why he hadn't gotten in contact with me. So that's why my mom's kind of like her feelings are hurt type thing. But I arrived maybe in 21. I'm maybe going to get married soon and have kids. I want my dad in my life. I just don't know how to do it or have the conversation with my mom without hurting her feelings.

Gotcha. So why do you want this guy in your life? I can't decide. I want to read it out to you, okay? Why do you want this guy that abandoned the most basic responsibility, who figured out a way to untether himself from one of the most important loves of his life, being his daughter,

who left without saying goodbye, who didn't even bother to make sure you had food on the table. Why do you want to re... And then now he's become kind of like a tornado dad. He hops in and then hops out

and then hops in, creates a mess and then hops out and makes a bunch of promises and then doesn't keep them up. Why do you want to make a relationship with that guy? Yeah. And see, that's what I can't decide. I've been back and forth between, you know what, screw that guy.

I don't need him. I've made it this far without him. But then there's days and, like, weeks at a time where I'm like, dang, you know, I really wish I had a relationship with my dad. Um, and I guess, okay, hold on. Those are two separate things. So this is hard. Okay. This is hard. Um, you have a fantasy in your life about a father figure that is different from what reality gave you. Because the real dad in your life sucks. He's lame. He hasn't shown up for you. Okay?

And I would say that if he was on the phone with me, I would say that if he was sitting right here. Yeah. Everybody. here yeah everybody i don't know a human being on the planet that doesn't have a picture of a relationship with their dad that they would love and it sounds like you're chasing like you have a picture of grandkids playing with granddad and wrestling around going to the pool and learning how to whittle and all whatever and from And from what you've told me, that fantasy will not happen, will not come true. And so in many ways, your mom's right. You're setting yourself up for heartbreak again and again and again.

You're right. And so it's less about him and more about, man, I wish I had this. And that gap between what reality is and what I wish I had is grief. And it doesn't sound like you've ever exhaled and said, because that line, I wrote it down. You don't need him. That's not your line. That's your mom's line.

Yeah. That's what a scorned lover says. I'll figure out a way to feed this says. I'll figure out a way to feed this kid. I'll figure out a way to love this kid and make sure she's got clothes and gets off to the prom. I'll make sure that she has someone read her a story at night. I don't need you.

But that's not true about a little girl and her dad because you do need him. And he left you. Right? Yeah, and you're right about my mom. She stuck by my side and made sure I had everything that I ever needed and would put herself in debt for me, and she has. But listen, that's not a—when a parent leaves you, that—

I want to say this in the right way. Your mom didn't go above and beyond. She did what was right. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? It's your dad that went below. You know what I mean? Now, being a single mom, holding it all together is heroic.

It's almost impossible. I don't even know how you do that. I literally don't know how you do that. The friends of mine that have been single moms, they say, you just don't have another option. You just figure it out. And you sleep. You wake up 10 years later. And you know what I mean?

Like it's listening to them describe it is harrowing. So the effort in itself is heroic. But when you step back and say, man, my mom saved the day. Now your mom's supposed to provide food and shelter for her daughter. And your dad was supposed to be there too, and he left. Yeah. And I want you to exhale. Yeah.

Because he left because something was going on with him, not because of you. Yeah. And it sounds like you still have this six-year-old or nine-year-old little girl in your heart trying to wonder what you did and now maybe that i'm 21 and i'm gonna have grandkids now maybe he'll because you're still trying to fix what happened between the two of you and you didn't do it he did yeah yeah because the one thing that hurts my feelings the most is i am his only biological kid. And he went off to Illinois and got married and has stepkids and does, he'll post, you know, on social media about doing things with them and, you know, for them. And I'm like, I'm your only biological child and you want nothing

to do with me. Like, I guess it's kind of a reminder, like I'm a reminder of my mom. And so maybe that's, I don't, that's not an excuse, but that may be what he sees when he sees me as my mom, and he don't like that. I don't know. Either way, trying to figure out that algorithm is a waste of your time because you're a lovely person, Nicole. Yeah. And you were worth having your dad stick around and he didn't. Mm-hmm. Now, back to the original thing.

I do believe with all of my heart that people change. Mm-hmm. I've seen people who were miserable parents turn into good grandparents. Mm-hmm. And it takes an extraordinary amount of forgiveness. They have to forgive themselves. Their kids have to forgive them. And it takes an even more extraordinary decision to say,

this isn't about us anymore. You blew that one. But you have a chance to redeem this with my grandkids. And I'm going to watch you like a hawk. Because they're not getting hurt the way you hurt me but if you step up we can heal this generational mess okay because now we're playing a lot

we're playing a 100 year game we're playing a 200 year game now okay the chances of that happening are very very very low and you have to come in that with this isn't going to heal you this isn't going to fix that hole in your heart and you have to come in that with, this isn't going to heal you.

This isn't going to fix that hole in your heart. Okay. Okay. It's just not. If he called you today and said, I screwed this up, I messed up, you were beautiful and perfect. And I left because I was a mess.

I'm sorry. I'm going to make this thing right. And you look up a year or two later and he's a totally different guy, which I've heard of happening. You will walk around differently. Okay. Yeah. In a good way. But it won't be what healed you.

It's because that little nine-year-old girl will finally be let off the hook for trying to solve a problem that she didn't create. And so what I want you to do is I want you to let that nine-year-old girl off the hook now. Okay? And if your dad comes around, your dad comes around. But it's going to be because he chose to, not because you did something different to woo him back. Okay. And you're an adult now. And if you want to make a relationship with him, your mom has a choice.

She can choose to see this as, yes, my baby girl needs her dad. Come hell or high water, she needs her dad. Yeah. And it's going to be painful and he hurt me and he might hurt her, but she's a grown up and so on and so forth. Or she can act like a child and say,

well, then if you don't like that, then I'm taking my ball and I'm going to go home. Yeah. And the temptation for you is to placate her because, well, she did all these things that moms are supposed to do and dads are supposed to do, which is feed and clothe and make sure kids are smiling, right? Yeah.

And she's the quote-unquote good parent, and so I've got to keep her happy. Yeah. That is not your job. Her job. Okay. It's her got to keep her happy. Yeah. That is not your job. Her job. Okay. It's her job to make her life filled with joy.

She can be disappointed in you. She could say, man, that really makes me mad because that guy pisses me off. Right? She can get frustrated, all those things. But you get to make the choice.

She doesn't get a vote because you're an adult. Okay. She can have wisdom and be like, nope, I've heard it all before and you may find out

conversations that have been going on behind closed doors for the last 15 years that you have no idea. Yeah. And, or not. Or maybe she,

who knows, who knows. Here's the, your homework assignment, okay? You ready? Okay, I'm ready.

Homework assignment number one is that I want you to write a letter to nine-year-old Nicole. Okay. And I want you to let Nicole know that dad left and it's not her fault. She didn't do anything wrong. Okay. Yes. Will you do that? I will.

That can be a one-page letter. It can be a 10-page letter. It can be a 10-page letter. I've written both to myself. Okay? Okay. The second thing is, is I want you to take your mom out for breakfast or for lunch and just say, I want to learn more about my family. What actually happened? Would you talk to me about what happened?

Okay. And now that you're an adult, I want you to have adult-sized conversations with your mom. And if she says, absolutely, I will not, say, cool, because she's allowed to do that, right? And then you are an adult and you get to respond. You can throw a temper tantrum and say, but I deserve to know. Or you can say, okay, cool. If you don't want to invite me into that part, if you don't want to let me into that part of your life and my family history, great. And you can do the same thing with your dad.

Okay. You can reach out to him with boundaries and say, I want to meet you for lunch. And if he doesn't show up, then he's telling you where he is right now, not what you're about. Is that fair? That's fair.

Okay. When are you getting married? Well, I just hope I get married soon. I'm in a relationship of a year and a half. Gross. Gross. Is he nice? He is nice.

He's very nice. He treats me very well. I've been listening to your show for about probably a month now. And I just listen to the way you talk about relationships. And he does check a lot of the boxes. Well, if you want me to give him a once-over, have him call the show. I will. I'll sit Kelly on him, and we'll find out real quick what this dude's made of.

Yes. That sounds good. We should have that Kelly as a part of the show where we just grill potential mates and I'll never say potential mate again cause they're not kangaroos, but we could like have potential, like, like someone's thinking about getting married. We should just come up with like a 20 point checklist and just get after him.

I'm in. Oh, Kelly's all in. That would be so fun. That would be an awesome part of the show. I'll say it one more time for you and for people listening. I'm really sorry that your dad missed your life. Thank you.

That should not have happened. And to the dads listening out there, don't miss your kids' lives. Don't miss your kids' lives. Don't miss your kids' lives. Because they're going to wake up and be 21, wondering still what they did. And then they're going to be reaching out and saying, I want to start my family. And I had this picture of what my family is going to look like.

And because you did what you did, now I've got to redo all my pictures. And I have to grieve all this stuff, okay? You're worth being loved Nicole and prompt, sit down with this cat that you're about to marry gross and make sure everybody's on the same page. Yes. If we're, if we're doing this, we're doing this once and we're doing this for life and we're going to be around for the kids. Yes. Is that fair? That's fair. All right. You are awesome, Nicole. Thank you so so much for being brave and thank you for the kids. Yes. Is that fair? That's fair. All right. You are awesome, Nicole.

Thank you so, so much for being brave, and thank you for the call. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point.

In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. Hey, we are back. The show's been pretty upbeat and um it will take a turn here and so if you are have little ones in the room um uh you may want to put headphones on or pause right now and come back to this a little bit later um i've been out of town and this is the first show back post Uvalde shooting there in Texas. And y'all know a couple of things about me personally.

One, I'm from Texas. It's my hometown. It's a home state. Not my hometown, but it's my home state. Number two, I ran around for a few years with police officers, and my dad's a police officer. And I've spent a lot of my career in the messy, messy, messy moments after disasters and crisis stuff. I also have some pretty firm thoughts that would surprise everybody on every side of the aisle when it comes to guns and legislation and all kinds of stuff. I think about that.

And there may be a time for me to talk about what I think. But you also know that I think it's very, very important in these moments to stop. Stop with the Instagram posts and stop with the big political grandstanding. Stop with the, you should have and they did and you shouldn't have, all that stuff.

Just stop. And exhale and acknowledge the names of these little ones and the adults here. As I'm reading this list, I know there's still a couple people still in the hospital that may not make it. I also know that I may miss one or two, and if I do, I'm sorry. I'm doing the best I can with what I got. But it is important

for me. One of the most important things I learned working in crisis was say their name. Say their name. So we, 10. Jose, 10. Brenda, 11. Maite, 10. McKenna, 10. Xavier, 10. Eliana, 9. Layla, 10 Alethea, 10 Jackie, 10 Annabelle, 10 Jayla, 10 Jaycee, 10 Uzziah, 9 Nivea, 10

Rogelio, 10 Eva, 44 Irma, 46 and her husband who died of a broken heart two days later Rogelio 10 Eva 44 Irma 46 and her husband who died of a broken heart two days later at some point

we have to look around and say okay we gotta do something different we have to re-imagine something cause this cannot continue cause my son is 12 and my daughter is six. And my kids are your kids and your kids are my kids. So to the families, I can't breathe.

To the community who showed up here, thank you. To the officers who walked in on this, who were a part of taking care of this, to the medical examiners, to everybody involved in this disgusting evil, my heart's broken. And my only appeal to everybody listening is that as this community heals and as we heal, we just stop for a second. And exhale and say, we lost a bunch of children this time. Man. man as we wrap up today's show man um the local guy um lovely lovely guy brad paisley lives down the road here and he wrote this song called When I Get Where I'm Going,

and it goes like this. When I get where I'm going on the far side of the sky, the first thing I'm going to do is spread my wings and fly. I'm going to land beside a lion and run my fingers through his mane, or I might find out what it's like to ride a drop of rain. Yeah, when I get where I'm going, there will only be happy tears. I'll shed the sins and struggles I've carried all these years. I'll leave my heart wide open, and I get where I'm going, there will only be happy tears. I'll shed the sins and struggles I've carried all these years. I'll leave my heart wide open and I will love and have no fear. Yeah, when I get where I'm going, don't cry for me down here. I'm going to walk with my granddaddy and he'll match me step for step. And I'll tell him how I missed him every minute since he left.

And then I'll hug his neck. Hug somebody today, everybody. We'll see you soon. coming up on the next episode she was at first on board with you know trying to take control of our money and then it started to take a turn where she said that she didn't want to have anybody

telling her what to do with her money you making this phone call is an act of bravery and so I applaud you it's hard I have a 15 year old freshman noticed the last few months that he's having a lot with her money. You making this phone call is an act of bravery. And so I applaud you. It's hard. I have a 15-year-old freshman. Notice the last few months that he's having a lot of difficulty, both kind of at home and school. He's generally a really mellow, easygoing kid, having a hard time keeping his grades up, not participating in class. The two words I'm going to always go back to are connection and chaos. Where does this human being feel plugged in

to the point that he can drop his shoulders and say, here I am?