The Dr. John Delony Show - How Can I Change My Emotionally Abusive Tendencies?

Episode Date: June 16, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   I'm a marine veteran and have discovered that I am an emotionally abusive boyfriend. How can I change that? I work for my dad and my wife and I are unsuccessfully trying for a baby. I feel very trapped and overwhelmed. My dad murdered my mom and was in prison, so I was raised by my aunt and uncle who never really welcomed me. Now I am grown, and I need to heal these wounds.   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: marriage, relationships, abuse, military, counseling/therapy, parenting, family, workplace/career, trauma/PTSD, adoption   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.`

Today's show we talk about heavy, heavy topics. We talk with a veteran who's emotionally abusive and who wants to change. We talk with a young man who is trapped in some family situations. We talk with a young woman who experienced unimaginable family trauma and she doesn't know what to do next. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I don't know why I just growled my name. I'm trying to still live out my punk rock singer dreams that clearly didn't happen. Now I work on a show.

There's no punk rock. There's some punk rockness to this. No, there's not. That's embarrassing. Your shirt's pretty punk rock today. Disagree. It's got bones on it. That looks tough and scary, kind of.

Not really. So, hey, I'm glad you're here. So, I gotta just be transparent. I, the last like three or four nights, man, I have just done these long fasts. I've been fasting for several days with a meal sprinkled in here and there. It's a whole long thing. But last night I finished my final 20 hour, I think it was 22 hour fast. And we have some people over and my wife had these homemade cookies. So I finished this fast, have this awesome, she made this great like beef and venison taco salad. And then I had 1750 cookies and they're so good. And then I slept like

garbage. And then after sleeping like garbage, I got up and today's deadlift day. And you want to be that guy and make any references to any sort of leg day at all. Cause you sound like an idiot, but it was that day. And I just sat in the gym this morning and just, it was embarrassing, man. But then I got through it. You got to power through on those days. Hey, I had to pay the piper on those, that many cookies, man. And then you got to be upset with yourself, and then give yourself some grace and move on.

So you had to do some extra deadlifts today that I am struggling, struggling. But luckily, we've got Kelly. Oh, Kelly's leaving. So we had Kelly and James is here. He looks great. Just, just a bundle of energy this morning. And Zach, always the joyful Zach is here and we're going to power through. We're going to get it today. And we got a couple of cool shows coming up. We have a Father's Day show coming up. We've got some good stuff coming, man. So if you want to be on the show, give me a call at 1-844-693-3291.

It's 1-844-693-3291. Here's the meta lesson. There is a connection between the garbage you put in your body and how bad you sleep. And then how bad you sleep has a direct impact on whether you want to exercise and be a present parent or human in the morning. And that has a direct impact on how good you're going to perform at work. So what's the lesson here? Take care of your body. Take care of your body. And if you do get off the wagon, don't ever fall off the wagon. Just park it, climb off of it, roll around in the mud, let it run over you a few times if that's what you need to do. is what i did and then you got to pay the price man you got to get in there and earn it back in the gym and then you've got to come to work perform do well be kind and then go from there 1-844-693-3291 or go to

johndeloney.com slash show be on the be on the show goes to kelly she makes the decisions because we all live in Kelly's world. Alright, let's go straight to the phones. I say straight to the phones. I've been talking for like 30 minutes now. Let's now finally, after I'm rambling about my failures last night, go to Richie in Raleigh, North Carolina. What's up, brother?

Richie, how we doing, man? Hey, Rich. Sir, Dr. Deloney. Good morning. I'm really nervous. Sorry about that. Hey, I am too, man. Ioney. Good morning. I'm really nervous. Sorry about that. Hey, I am too, man. I'm still... When's the last time you crushed a sleeve of cookies, man? I think it's been a few months at least. See?

Talking to people with self-control is good for me. Hey, so what's up, brother? Thanks for calling, man. How can I help, dude? Oh, thank you, Dr. Deloney. First of all, thank you so much for taking my call. I really do appreciate it, sir. My name's Richie. I live here in Raleigh. I'm a Marine Corps veteran. I'm originally from a small town up in Ohio. And I've been out of the Marine Corps for a few years now. I am or I was an emotionally abusive boyfriend or ex-boyfriend with my ex a few years ago.

And I've kind of started dating this one new girl again. I've been out of the dating scene for a few years, and honestly, I'm terrified. I'm not really sure what to expect. My relationship with my parents is not very good at all. I started going to church, but that's hit or miss. That's a whole other conversation, right? Yeah, honestly. But I'm terrified. I don't want to repeat this. I've been going to therapy for a little over a year now. Okay. And, yeah.

So what does, well, number one, dude, just, you've done some brave things in your day, and this is probably up there at the top. I've run around with guys. I've been a part of SWAT trainings and worked in the military. I've seen some stuff and heard some even wilder stories. And there's always components of bravery. But as far as I'm concerned, there are a few braver things than saying,

I'm an emotionally abusive guy and I want to be different than that. So on behalf of men everywhere and more importantly on behalf of the wives and kids that are subject to that, thank you for being a brave guy and trying to turn and stare this thing down. Appreciate that, man. Doesn't excuse you being an idiot, right? But you're a brave guy, right? So, walk me back a couple things. How long were you in the Marine Corps, man? I just did four years four years

what was your exit rank yeah i got out as a sergeant okay outstanding man so did you see combat did you go overseas what was your roles i went overseas twice i was motor t um i was never personally in combat however i was in the uh area, if that makes any sense at all. Yeah, dude, of course. Everybody's on the team, man. Everybody's on the team. I know there gets to be a, oh, yeah, well, I, man, you went overseas and you serve your country, brother. So I appreciate that.

So tell me about what emotional abusive means. What does that mean to you? What'd you do? Oh, man i i was manipulative i lied um oh for god's sake um it was i i i became a christian uh if that matters at all after we uh after i joined the military and i was like teetering the fence of uh hey we shouldn't be having sex but hey let's go have sex you know and and so she was torn because she was she I think she believed in God at the time I'm not even sure anymore um this is a few years ago now hey you're cycling out on me

though hold on you're you're you're doing some excellent evasive maneuvers. How are you emotionally abusive? Oh, man. I made it all about myself. I was selfish. I didn't care what she wanted to do. I wanted to please myself in the relationship. I wanted to, if I wanted to go out and party, I was going to go out and party and leave her behind. Um, I, it was, I, and if I wanted to go see other girls at the same time, I was going to go do that too. Gotcha. Um, so that, that makes, it makes, that makes it sound more like you were just a jerk, like just a scummy

boyfriend. How are you abusive? Did you yell at her? Did you swear at her? Did you abusive did you yell at her do you swear at her did you did you put your hands on her how are you um abusive oh she cried all the time all the time in the relationship so and i and this is i i've given my myself uh like a self-diagnosis if that matters at all dr deloney um but i've just i i if that matters at all, Dr. Deloney. But I figured that this is all, as I reflect, it must have been all emotional abuse. Not physical, never physical, but it was always manipulation. She was crying all the time, even towards the end of the relationship. I was like, listen, I am so unhappy and you are so unhappy. She wanted to stick through the relationship and I was like, this is bonkers.

So where'd you, where did you pick that up? Where did you learn to talk to somebody in that way? Where'd you learn that your, your path was the most important path and someone that you love, who cares, man, um,

friends, family, whatever, um, virtue, uh, values, screw all that. someone that you love who cares man um friends family whatever um virtue uh values screw all that i'm plowing through with whatever i want to do oh man um it it uh it really sorry um no it's all good brother somebody somebody taught you that where'd you pick that up was it mom or was it dad was it the core where'd you pick it up it was my father it was

my father it it our relationship basically it became an exact mirror image of my parents marriage ah okay so this is how men treat women right yeah? Yeah, literally. That was what I knew. And I'm the only guy. It was me, my dad, and I've got four sisters. So, you know, it was, oh man, it was awful. So you break up with this woman and you take some time off. Why'd you take some time off? I felt like I was being suffocated. You were being suffocated? Yeah. How ironic, right?

It's like you got both hands around somebody's neck, and you're choking them to death, and you stop choking because, man, my hands are sore, right? Like you're the yeah you're on the bottom end of this deal so then you meet somebody and you fall back in love and you've already done something stupid what have you done so far well i mean i i took some time off from dating and i've been going to therapy and now very recently I've started dating again yeah but so you've already violated what you had had you had some ideas about some pictures about what this thing was going to look like you've already screwed those up what have you already done oh we're already sleeping together okay like if that's what you're getting at no no no I'm I'm

getting it have you already lied to her? Have you already pressured her to do something she wasn't comfortable with? Have you already gone out and seen somebody else when this woman thinks y'all are exclusive? Have you already yelled at her?

Have you already swore at her? Flexed on her a little bit? It's the online dating apps is what it is. I'm chatting up with other women at the same time.

Okay. And so, what made you say enough? I want to change, man. I want to be different. I want to do this as right as I possibly can. I want to... This is what I said recently to my therapist. I said, I'm so sick of just putting on a front and playing pretend it's like I'm exhausted

from it I hope that makes sense but I'm just like I want to be a new person I want to be a different person I want playing the games is I don't know I'm turning 30 soon, you know,

like I can't keep doing this, man. Like, dude, I want something different. I want this change. I want this, anything and everything. I don't want to keep repeating my parents' marriage. You know, I mean, that ended years ago. But it's the only picture of marriage you got. So paint me a picture of what you want. Like, what do you want this to look like? Oh, man. White picket fence, golden retriever, and $10 million in the bank account. I don't know.

I just want us to be happy together. I know, but listen. When you run from something without a direction of where you're going to head, you don't get anywhere. You just keep replaying the same tape over and over. Yeah. Do you want to be a guy who values

his girlfriend? who values his wife that she feels safe around that he can keep his mouth shut and not ever ever swear at her ever yell because yelling is the sign of somebody who's lost all control

yelling is what children do do you want to be a guy who is trustworthy and doesn't cheat on the person that they love? I mean, is that what you're looking for? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. But you can't say that. Why can't you say that? It sounds like a fantasy to me. Why? can't you say that it sounds like a fantasy to me why it sounds like something it it's like a hollywood it's like a hollywood movie fairy tale lie um i i see some of these marriages

i see some of these people and they look so happy together and it's where's the honesty where's the struggle where's the hey or um i i don't know maybe it's because all my military buddies all of them are now divorced they're all under second or third or fourth marriages like my when i look at close friends of mine when i look at my immediate family the track record is is a big fat zero and and that's that's what i that's what I see that's what I know that's what I that's the groups of people I surround myself with there you go right there

right there that's it so I'll tell you can you have a great marriage absolutely does great marriage mean there's never conflict no anyone who tells you that is lying to you marriage is hard. Real hard.

And it's messy, and people hurt each other, and they say, I'm sorry, and then they don't talk for a day, and then they get back together. That's the nature of marriage. It's hard. And it's always worth it. If you got two people invested in making the other person's life as good as possible. And when you look at what you want in your life, and you haven't done that, you know what you don't want. You know the hollowness of the life you're in right now. The hard work is figuring out what it is you do want.

And here's why that's hard to do, because once you nail it down, then you know there's a gap between an unmet mission and how you're choosing to live. And that's the difference between you. Now you're able to just roll your eyes and say, it's just the way it always is. And this always happens this way. Once you say, I want this, now you know you got to go get it. And choosing not to go get it is a choice, and that falls on you. And then you can't blame your old man. You can't blame your buddies. You can't blame the system. You can't blame people lying to you, blah, blah, blah.

You've got to do the hard work of saying, this is what I want. And then you got to go make that happen. It's the same as if you want to lift weights. It's the same if you want to become a better shot. It's the same if you want to move up to sergeant. You've got to do these things to get there and then when you look around at the people around you if you know wood doesn't sharpen iron so you got to get a better group of people to hang out with and i know a bunch of veterans with

impeccable marriages that are hard and messy and full of forgiveness and full of starting over almost on a weekly basis. But I don't buy that because you're in the military, because you're hard, because you've seen stuff that you can't have a good marriage. That's not true. It's not. And so that means the question is going to come down to how bad do you want this? How bad do you want to be able to sleep all night without medication? How bad do you want to be able to get up in the morning? How bad do you want somebody that's going to be ride or die with you and you, her? How bad do you want kids that are going to love you and respect you

and not be running around when they're 30 trying to figure out how to love somebody? How bad do you want that? And then it's relatively simple moving forward. And it makes me sound callous, right? Because it's, how do you lose weight? Diet and exercise, man. It's hard. It's simple, but it's hard, right? This is very similar. Starting today, you will never, ever lie to a girlfriend again. Period.

Ever. You will never yell or swear or be disrespectful again. You may have to walk out the front door and take a walk around down the neighborhood. You may have to cut somebody off on the phone and say, hey, I need to hang up and I'll call you back in five minutes and then hang up the phone. You got to do what you have to do, but you have to decide starting today, I will never do this again. And when you fail, which you will, you'll catch yourself in the middle of a lie and you'll stop and say, hold on, hold on. I did go see

somebody last night and I'm sorry. I did. Or on your way to go see somebody, you will stop and you'll text that person and say, I'm not coming. I'm actually in a committed relationship. You'll turn around and go home. Or in the middle of yelling or in the middle of trying to talk somebody into sleeping with you again when she doesn't want to, you'll stop and say, hey, I actually value your values. You'll stop. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to get a small picture of your old man. And every time you yell or cheat or lie, I want you to pull that picture up and I want you to look at it. And I want you to say, hey man, I value you more than her every time. Because that's what you're choosing at this point. You're choosing to walk a path that your old man cut for you in the woods. He didn't do a very good

job. And I don't want to be in the business of running down people's dads, but he didn't do a good job. It's way harder to carve a new path, and so I want you to carry that with you for a while. It's just choosing, you know what, Dad? I'm going to follow you, man. I value you more than her. I value you more than my future kids I'm going to have. And at some point, you're going to have to forgive yourself for the

jerk that you were and you haven't done that yet either you carry that around with you a lot yeah every day and so it's when you have you may have heard me talk about this you should feel guilty when you swear at your girlfriend

you should because that's garbage. It's trash. It's what children do. You should feel guilty when you yell at somebody. You should feel guilty when you lie to them. There's a difference between losing your cool, not having the tools in your toolkit, and saying, I lied to you versus, I'm a liar. right? That's when you decide to put that brick of guilt in your backpack and carry it around with you forever. And that's what you've done. I'm a liar. I'm a cheater. I'm a scumbag. I'm just like my old man. I always will be. This

is the way this is going to be forever. And the more you carry that around, all that baggage comes with you. And of course your knees always hurt and your back always hurts and you don't want to have to learn any new things you're carrying all this crap around you got to set that down man you got to set it down let's quit carrying it

I need you in my community a whole well guy I need you going to the gym I need you still training in some sort of a whole well guy. I need you going to the gym. I need you still training in some sort of kickboxing or jiu-jitsu. I need you still taking care of yourself. I need you still having male friends in your life,

good ones that will hold you accountable. And you're still trying to get better. I'm proud of you for going to counseling. That's hard to do. But it sounds like you – I know folks who go to counseling for a year, and they just become complaint sessions. And the counselor's happy to take your money. And you need to get with somebody that will call your bluff

and hold you accountable. Okay. But here's the thing brother i am i'm i am just blown away by your bravery to even have this conversation and i have one thousand percent confidence in you because i've seen it before tell me about this girl you're dating. We met on an online dating app, and we just hit it off really well. Okay. I think we are very emotionally based people.

Mm-hmm. I mean, which emotions, I guess they're not bad but it's intimidating um i i try to be as logical as i can but anyway um she's a really nice girl she's a nurse full-time so she works a lot um i don't know we love to laugh we love to spend time together. We're very intimate a lot, I will say. She has experienced some trauma in her life as well. Not from her parents, but from my ex-boyfriend. I don't know too many details about that. I didn't ask. I didn't want to press in. I wasn't sure if it was the right place or time to ask her about that. Those conversations will come in due time.

The more you prove that you're trustworthy and that you're safe. And one of the sad facts about people who are traumatized in relationships full of trauma is the body craves homeostasis, man. It knows that track and it will go find that track again. And so it doesn't surprise me that somebody who's experienced trauma finds another guy who's skilled in trauma right yeah and so i i like like you i like emotions but they are directional they're not um they don't often tell me the truth right they let me know i'm not okay not okay. They're alarm systems, but they don't tell me the truth. So when you get emotional, I want you to write that stuff down, man.

Get that crap out of your head and onto a piece of paper and then go through it and say, is this true or is this not true? Am I really angry with her or am I just scared I'm going to screw this up? And then when you can look at somebody that you care about and say, hey, I'm scared I'm going to screw this up because I've screwed this up every time in the past. And thank you for letting me say these words out loud. And it's embarrassing for me because I'm a hardcore Marine Corps vet.

I'm learning. I'm practicing. I'm trying. I don't know how to love you other than just to hug. At some point, y'all become, when you have a nurse who's dealing with trauma all day, and you're a guy who has dealt in trauma your whole life, and you're still on fight or flight, still running, running, there becomes this, man, y'all become a bandage for one another, right?

Until you both bleed through the bandage, and then you got to rip it off and go find somebody else, find a new bandage, and you become somebody else's new bandage. I want you guys to heal from the inside out. Man, you deserve that, man. You deserve that, Richie. I hate what happened to you as a kid. I hate that model you got. And I hate that you've hurt people, but man, I'm proud of you for saying no more. Decide. Decide. I will never yell again. I will never lie again. I'll always be on time. And as you lean into those truths, I will never yell. By the way, anybody out there who yelled, you're a child. A child. Who gets so mad I have to raise my voice.

That means you've completely lost control of yourself and anybody you're trying to lead. Yelling instantly turns people into fight or flight. All they are thinking about at that point is how do I get out of this situation towards safety? Quit learning, quit trying to connect. But I'm going to say no more. I'm going to say no more. And I think you can, Richie, if you decide. So I want you to go to your counselor and say, I'm making some declarations and I need some accountability and I want to work on accountability with you. And if your counselor and say, I'm making some declarations and I need some accountability and I want to work on accountability with you. And if your counselor says, well, how does it make you feel? Just get up and walk out and go find somebody else. You're better than that. You

need somebody better than that. But I'm proud of you, brother. I'm proud of you. Now it's time to go do the hard work and make change. That starts with deciding where you want to go, where you want to go. Make sure to call brother. Hey, I want to take a quick break and talk about something important, your mental health. If you cannot find an in-person counselor in your area or you can't afford one, I've got a solution. I've partnered with BetterHelp for customized online therapy for you.

Video chat, phone, or even text chat counseling with licensed therapists that are going to help you become a better version of yourself, help you get on the road to being well. Go to betterhelp.com slash Diloni for 10% off your first month. This is less expensive than traditional therapy, and you're worth it.

Betterhelp.com slash Diloni. Take care of yourself. Start today. All right, let's Deloney. Take care of yourself. Start today. All right, let's go out to Brandon in Meridian. Brandon, what's up, my man? Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call. You got it, brother. How can I help? Well, I've got three major stressors going on in my life right now, and they're all kind of intertwined, and they're so jumbled up that i get myself wrapped around in circles and i can't uh i just shut down and i can't figure out a way to start attacking these well thanks for calling man

let's untangle them what you got okay i've got well the first probably most major there um is um my wife and i've been trying to have a baby for three and a half years now. And so far, unable to get pregnant. I've got, we're saving to buy a house in this place that we love. And the goal line keeps moving. And it feels like we're never going to get to the point where we're going to be able to buy a house here. Um, I've got a job working for my dad and, uh, he's getting ready to, he wants to exit the business and turn it over to me. And I'm not sure I want to do that. And then also, even if I don't do that, where do I go from here? So it's a lot right now, and it's all pretty heavy, and I'm stuck.

Well, man, I appreciate your trust, and give me a call, dude. That means a lot. Mm-hmm. For sure. So here's just a simple guidelines when I'm in a situation like you're in, which is both existential and practical, right? Existential being, who am I going to be? Am I going to be a dad? Am I going to, and I've been in that same seat, man. And then you start having conversations about adoption and what does that look like and then you or your wife feel guilty and that leads to this whole weird dance it's just a mess

right um yeah so you've got that number one and that leads to i had a picture of what my life was going to be which is i'm going to take over dad's business in this little community that we like we're going to have 18 little kids running around and then suddenly that that picture gets untethered right it just the string pulls and it starts to come apart and right then you want to buy a house yeah and you're right man we looked for nine months and we still bought a kind of a hidden in the woods fixer-upper ish kind of you know i mean like yeah yeah because the housing market's bananas so now i'm not gonna be a dad i'm not gonna be a homeowner and then tell me about your your dad's business what's the business um it's a construction business just a small company and uh kind of a niche market but uh

we're doing really well um so do you want out i don't know no you do well I mean in my heart I do but but what do you want to do I don't know if that's beer based or what do you want to do

if your dad said hey I just sold a business to my neighbor for a million dollars here's half of it go do what you want he gave you half a million dollars and said go get them what would it go do what you want he gave you half a million dollars and said go get them

what would you go do um dude you work construction you've been daydreaming about this for months if not years what would you go do oh man i don't know what I feel like I need is is something that has a little bit more meaning something that I feel like I'm really making an effect on people okay that's positive and so meaning is going to be meaning is going to be something you create it's not going to be an external source i know guys that have a porta potty company that have great meaning like they find value in what they do i know guys who pour concrete that find like they they understand that without them people don't get from point a to point b and some yeah dude they just cash in and i know other folks yeah who are public speakers? They are authors and they're just clocking

in and out. They don't find meaning in that. Therapists who don't find meaning in that, right? Yeah. So at the end of the day, you've got to write down these things on a piece of paper and get them out of your head because it feels overwhelming. Have you done that? I've started, but I haven't really delved into it, no. So here's where this becomes an adventure because I just wrote down unable to get pregnant, struggling to buy a house, family business.

Underneath each one of those becomes a spider web, which is why did I marry her? Should I stay married to her if we can't have kids? Is it my fault? Should I let her go so she can go to somebody else who has kids? Should we adopt? So now all this looks, should I adopt domestically or locally? It's $45,000 to adopt a kid in my neighborhood, right? If I go private and if I go, right?

So you start having those things and write them down. And then it gets into the family business. I never even wanted to do this. So my dad was this and I'm living his dream. And that's when these things get hard, right? My dad didn't care about me. And you go down these rabbit holes and that's where you have to write it all down.

All of it, all of the spider webs and tangled mess.'s where you have to write it all down. All of it. All of the spider webs and tangled mess. And then you got to go through those things and demand evidence from them. Almost in a, I don't know, you got to back out of it and say, does my dad love me? Yes. Is my dad really passionate about this business?

Yes. Does my dad really want me to have it because he's built this thing and he wants to pass it off to his son? Yes. Do I have to take it? Nope. And that's scary because now it's like, well, then go do whatever you want to. And that's terrifying, right? Yeah. so there is this weird moment where

I think it was four years for me and my wife, maybe three and a half that I got a job offer in Malibu and we looked at each other and said, man, we had this picture of living in Texas and having kids and living this life let's just go move to Malibu

the job came with housing let's just get out of here and do something totally off, like total left turn. Right? And so at some point, you and your wife need to sit and have that conversation. If not this, we get to paint a whole new picture, and it's going to look different. You've got to grieve the one that's not.

But, man, there's a lot of really awesome neighborhoods in the world. Now, Meridian's pretty awesome. Let's be real. It's beautiful, but man, there's a lot of really awesome neighborhoods in the world. Now, Meridian's pretty awesome. Let's be real. It's beautiful. Yeah. But there's a lot of cool places y'all can go. You can move to Nashville for two years and just try something and then go back. Right?

You can do whatever you want, but you got to go through the part of untangling that mess in your heart and head. My gut tells me, you don't want to say it out loud, and that's fine. I'm going to keep pressing on you, but my gut tells me is you have a picture. You've been thinking about something. A job you're interested in exploring in a place that's not where you thought, and either with adopted kids or not adopted kids, just you and your wife hitting the road in a camper, whatever the thing is,

something tells me you've been down that road. And my challenge to you is to step back and have that conversation with your wife if you haven't already. And then, man, it's not a lot holding you back. How old are you? 43. 43? Yeah. It feels like you're 100 years old, but you're not.

Well, when it comes to kids, it feels like that for sure. I know. I know. You're probably not even halfway there. Yeah. Probably not even halfway there. Have you sat down and told your dad that you're thinking about not taking the business? No.

We've got a meeting set up in the coming weeks to discuss what that all looks like. Do you actually want it? You're just scared of being a business owner? Well, that's the thing. I'm trying to figure out, is it just my fear of doing this on my own, or is it just something that i don't want to do what do you think i'm not letting you off the hook that easy you can hang up on me but i don't i i know that you know that's the thing man why won't you say it uh do it i mean say it say it i've been i've been fearful i mean i'm i've always lacked confidence so that's always been in my been in my mind about this is it just because i'm scared and but at the same time i go to work every day and i'm just i mean i'm not happy I know my guys feel that I'm not happy I'm creating

an environment that is not a great place to work just because of me not being happy with where I'm at and it's not right you know how much of that is resting on the heartache of not been

able to grow your family probably a lot yeah how's your marriage we're uh we're good we're we're together in this you know um you can be you can be together in something but you can be two inches apart on a couch but a thousand miles away from each other man here's what here's what you sound like here's what you sound like you sound like a guy who's totally and completely alone and who's 43 and is waking up and going

whoa whoa whoa suddenly I found myself on an island I could be way wrong in that I don't feel like I'm alone. I know she's there for me, and she's on this journey with me. Good. But maybe I feel like we're alone. There you go. Okay.

Excellent. So here's the plan, dude. Taking over a business, yeah, you should be scared, man. That's scary. Not being able to have this picture of this family that you had, yeah, that's terrifying. It's heartbreaking. Having to sit down and have a hard conversation with your dad and saying, hey, your life's work is something I'm not interested in. I can't even wrap my head around that conversation, right?

I'm 40 years old. I just want to get my wife a home and we can't afford it. Yeah, dude, that's a beating. So I want you and your wife to sit down and for maybe the first time in a while, not think of the things that you're lacking, that you're missing, that you're not able to come through on. But instead, I want you to say, all right, let's take all the blinders off. Let's say dad didn't have a business. Let's say the country was open to us. Let's say we are just going to call

it. We know that we're never going to have kids. It's just you and me. Now what? What kind of crazy adventure could we build? And I want you all to lean into that. And you may not fully get there because it's going to start with tiny houses and campers and whatever people from Idaho do. But it may be, you know, we don't have to live here. I've always wanted to live by your parents. Or I could run a construction company in Kansas and for the same price we can buy a home in Marin and I can buy half of a block in Kansas

whatever that looks like and you begin to loosen these chains that have wrapped themselves around you as you felt yourself losing out on one thing after another after another after another and 43 feels like you're 100 you're not even halfway're 100 you're not

you're not even halfway there brother you're not you man you deserve somebody who'll ride or die with you and you deserve to dream big and go get it more practically speaking you need to have a and go get it. More practically speaking, you need to have a hard conversation with your dad sooner rather than later, and ask him to be vulnerable with you. You need to sit down with your wife and plan on, okay, we've got to at some point say, if this isn't in the cards for us, what's this going to look like, right? If we can't afford a house in this community and we want to buy a house, then at some point the house has to be more important

than the community. You've got to go look somewhere else. That's the math of it, right? Or we're just going to rent until we're 70 because we're so enamored by this neighborhood. I'd recommend moving. I'd recommend trying to find something different and go have an adventure.

If it tanks, you can come back in two years. Maybe the housing market will correct itself in two years, whatever that looks like. But get all the stuff out of your head, all of the derivatives, drama, all the tangles, and then start clicking through one at a time. Is this true? Is this true? Is this true? And then what of this can I control? And I've got to let the rest of it go.

And usually what I can control starts with conversations, hard ones, with people I love. Thank you so, so much for that call, Brandon. You're a stud, dude. Now it's time to go do the hard, hard stuff. Thanks for calling, brother. All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to Sarah in Grand Junction, Colorado. Sarah, what's going on? How are you? I'm really nervous. I get nervous in regular phone calls, so my heart is jumping out of my chest right now. Lucky for you, this is not a regular phone call. This is just some knucklehead on a podcast or on the YouTube. So it's good, easy for everybody.

So what's up? So the gist of my question is I wanted to get some objective advice, whether it's time to just move on or if I write that letter and reach out to my family again. Okay. Walk me through. So details is when I was three years old, my father killed my mother and my eldest sister. Wow. And so we went, yeah, so me and my siblings went to live with my aunt, uncle, and their children. How many kids did they have?

They had four. Were you in the home when your mom was murdered? I was. Okay. And, you know, I have vague memories of that day, but, you know, I was three years old, so it was, you know, but it's just very vague. But anyway, so there was always like a difference between us, like, you know, that their children called them mom and dad, but we called them by their first names. And it's kind of just there was always kind of this hierarchy and class difference in the home. Of course. Yeah.

And yeah, and so I was the youngest by six years. So I, everybody had moved out and I was alone with them for quite some time. And so I'm going through, you know, the teenager phase and, uh, I can't even remember what happened, but, uh, um, said something that my cousin didn't like. And they, he told me that I was going to end up in prison, just like my father. And, uh, obviously that made me extremely upset to be compared to like somebody that, uh, murdered my, my mother and my sister. And, uh, I, so my uncle pulled me aside and we went on a little hike to clear our head. And he admitted to me that he loved me, but not like one of his own children. And I just feel like I never really got past those words. And I didn't know what to do at this point. And how old are you now, Sarah? I'm 29.

And so that was like part of the problem is that it's been so long. And I thought I was long gone over this. You know, like I'd done the work, I'd gotten past it, started a new life, made new friends, made a new, you know, my family with my friends. And I don't know why it's bothering me again. It makes me feel, I don't know, childish, and that brings me, I don't know, shameful feelings, and it just makes me feel stupid and weak that this is bothering me again. So do you have any idea as to what set this, what brought these memories back? Are you dating somebody? My father was released from prison this last September.

And I think that did, I don't know, kind of bother me, but I am getting married next month. And it's just like, you know, he's got all his side of the family and I got, you know, my siblings are going to be there. But, you know, my brother's going to have to walk me down the aisle. There's just, you know, there's differences. Yeah. So you may have, quote unquote, gotten over this. Your body has not. Your body's been carrying this for a long time.

And it's all stuff that three-year-olds should never, ever see. And it experienced things that three and four and five and 6 and 18 year olds should never ever experience. No child ever should be told by a family member you know I like you but I don't love you as much as them. You should have never heard those words and I'm sorry that somebody said that to you yeah I think it just it's made me feel like this feeling of like an unwanted

puppy is just like kind of like been in the back of my mind all my life that's exactly right how have you over the last you know 20 years how have you filled that that hole uh you know i moved kind of just ran made new friends made new relationships and you know we definitely some um some alcohol and stuff like that but i have a better grasp on that stuff now. Now it really is just, you know, every once in a blue moon, I don't have a problem. But there was definitely moments and years where I did. So here's the hard truth, and then I'll give you some light at the end of the tunnel, okay? Mm-hmm. Your dad murdering your mom will never make sense.

There will never be a moment when you go, oh, okay. Not being welcomed by your aunt and your uncle will never make sense. Nothing anybody can say unless your uncle was to call you and tell you, I was so wrong and I'm sorry. You were a beautiful baby. I'm so glad I got to be your dad. Like, that will never make sense. You'll never go, okay. You can wrap your head around it, that your uncle was ashamed and heartbroken and went from his own four kids or three kids to suddenly a seven kid. It doesn't matter.

You were six. Right? And so the heartbreaking part of all this is healing will not come from answers and clarity. You have that. You have all the answers. Your dad did an unspeakable evil act. Your uncle committed an unspeakable evil act. Right?

Yeah, and it just, you know, it's like... Hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm not very present. Hold on. Sorry. You are so good at... Man, you are good at, whoa, here it comes, and you can take a hard right turn and get out of a painful situation quick, right? Yeah. Yeah.

You got to just sit in this for a second. Healing won't come from answers and clarity. It will only come from moving forward. Mm-hmm. answers and clarity. It will only come from moving forward. And so, if you think of your life as a story, you've got some ugly hard sentences in your story. Dad killed

mom, period. Uncle told me I was less than, period. Cous cousins made fun of me period i let some guy take um try to fill a gap i let alcohol fill a gap i made bad decision whatever period and what we all want to do and you've got you've got trauma i can never imagine that 99.9 of the listeners of this could never wrap their head around. But what we all do with trauma is we have that pen in our hand, and what we want to do is go back and try to edit those sentences over and over and over, and you can't. They've got periods at the end of them.

What you can do, the only thing you can do, is write something different. Right? Mm-hmm. And so, yeah. At some point, you got to let that, you got to write that

three-year-old girl a letter and let her know she never should have seen that and it was wrong. And you got to let that little six-year-old girl know that she's beautiful and fun

and got dealt a really crappy set of cards. And then she got some help from somebody and they didn't play well. And then, man, as you step into these new life adventures, this will happen as you get married. It happens. Dad's coming out of jail. Your body sounds the alarms again. And what healing is going to look like for you is recognizing, oh, that's what that is.

My body is trying to keep me safe again. My body is trying to keep me safe because there's a murderer on the loose now. My body is trying to keep me safe from people who've hurt me in the past. You know what hurts me the worst? Family. The one thing that keeps us well has been a nuclear bomb in your heart and mind. And so you're in, you're leaning back into the one thing that was so, was torture to you. And your brain and heart are trying to say, hey, we remember this script and it didn't go well.

And that's when you have to remind your body and your heart and your mind, I hold the pen and I get to write what comes next. Tell me about this person you're marrying. He's great. We are very much on the same level. We have a lot of silly fun together and it's been very fun. Hold on, is he safe? He is. You trust him?

I do. And do you recognize you're entering into a covenant that the first woman that you ever knew, that covenant, right, ended up tragic? Mm-hmm. Okay. So every time those alarms go off for you, just drop your shoulders and say, thank you for trying to keep me safe. I've got it from here. Mm-hmm. Right?

When you have a kid, your first beautiful little baby, those alarms are going to set off again. And that's when you know, I got it. I got it. Thank you. We're safe because my brother's awesome. And my other brother's awesome. And my sister, I don't know how many brothers you got.

They're awesome. They've been there, ride or die. They're going to walk you down the aisle. Is that the way you drew it up? Nope. Is that the reality of the world you live in? Yep. So we're not going to try to edit the past.

We're going to write the story of the future. And I do think at some point you're going to have to write those kids a letter and let them off the hook because they're still fighting for you hard, hard, hard. Right? Yeah. Yeah. So what do you say? I honestly, I don't even know if my uncle realized what he said hurt me, you know, or if that was just the way that his brain worked. So I never knew if I should share with him what that actually did to me or if I should just let it go. I think you should put that brick down. Mm-hmm. I don't know what letting him know would accomplish. Me either.

I don't know what he's going to be able to tell you. Mm-hmm. That will make you go, okay, good. Phew. You know what I mean? Yeah. And so as a part of your healing, if you want to talk to him and you have that type of relationship with him now, go for it. A punitive grenade throw won't help you.

It just causes more bodies, right? Yeah. And forgiveness is often one-sided. Your decision to say, I forgive you. Was your uncle your dad's brother or your mom's brother? My dad's. Okay. So your dad was, your uncle was dealing with so much garbage, did not have the tools, did not expect to have what happened. And then, man, just let you down. And at the same time, let's be fair, at the same same time gave you a roof and a house and food right I mean

did the things to keep you where you needed to be right and so as I heard once you gotta blame fairly right he got you

from point A to point B man a lot of scars along the way and I can only imagine he was dealing with his own trauma. All I have to say is your story moving forward is not about him.

And as I'm sitting here trying to unravel it for you, it's of no value. Right. Now, if you need him to say the words, I love you, go ask him. But be ready if he says no. Right?

Yeah, I don't think it's worth it at this point. I just, I wasn't sure if I was taking the easy route or not. I couldn't tell if I just wanted to let it go and I was just copping out. Sarah, there is no easy road here. There's not. Every road is a hard road in this situation. And who's judging? If you find an easy road, take it. Right? There is no, you've been through enough. You've been through enough.

And so what I want you to do as best you can is begin to look forward, not backwards. And that's hard because what you experienced was evil and hard and just disaster. But you got some other knucklehead boy ahead of you saying, hey, you're the one I want to hitch my wagon to and I love you. And he trusts you enough to be silly with you. And he said, you're my gal. And you said, all right, I'm in. Right? Yep.

And the way you can make meaning moving forward is that you weren't welcomed. Everyone in Sarah's life is going to know that they're welcome nobody will out hospitality sarah and when your little kids are born no kid on earth will have ever understood love like your kids are going to understand it right exactly that was very therapeutic john i was nervous, but thank you so much for your help. Well, thank you for calling and trusting me with this story. And I want you to know your story is going to benefit and be a gift to anyone listening to this. And again, very few of us are going to experience what you experienced, but we all are wrestling with how do we go back and deal with old trauma and then how do we move forward? And it's almost always both and, right? It's almost always both and. I'm sorry that you went through that, but you have shown resolve and strength

and bravery and compassion for yourself, for this new person. Man, you're a really special person. And I'm glad that the world gets to hear your story. And more importantly, when you begin to find value in you and say, you know what, three-year-old, you should never have seen that. I'm sorry. You know what, six-year-old, seven-year-old, I'm sorry. You know what, dad, I'm not carrying your trauma anymore. That was on you. Hey, uncle, aunt, there wasn't something wrong with me. There was something wrong with y'all. And y'all are experiencing your own drama. So thank you for the bed. Thank you for

the food. And I'm going to go make my new life now. Hey, and brother, thank you for stepping in. Thank you for being the dad I didn't have thank you for being willing to walk me down the aisle it's not the picture I drew up but it's the picture I got and now I'm going to go make meaning of this and you're playing a long long game Sarah a lot of us who experience trauma as kids are playing long games because we're going to heal for ourselves

but we're going to heal for ourself, but we're going to heal for ourself so that our kids have an entirely different system. Those bricks in our backpack, we take them out and they pave a brick path. That's what legacy is, right? It paves a road that our kids can walk on, that we can walk on, that our neighbors can walk on, that kids in our community can walk on, that we're never going to meet because we did the hard work of getting those bricks out of our backpack and saying, I'm not carrying that crap anymore. You're brave and you're awesome, Sarah. Thank you so much for the call.

All right, so as we wrap up today, you know what? I don't want to do song lyrics of the day. Let's just call. It's been a heavy show. I want everybody to know I love you and I'm grateful that y'all are walking with us. Go find your favorite song today and listen to it.

Man, call somebody that you love and let them know. Thank you so much and rock on to the break of dawn. Stay in school and don't do drugs. This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.