The Dr. John Delony Show - How Can I Convince My Husband He's an Alcoholic?

Episode Date: May 28, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   My husband and I are fighting over having kids. We both wanted them before we got married but he is in law enforcement and works all the time, and I don’t want to be a single mom. Our 8-year-old is overweight and the doctor is sending her to a clinic. How do we talk to her about this? How do I get my alcoholic husband to understand that his drinking is not okay? Lyrics of the Day: "Everlong" - Foo Fighters   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation     tags: family, marriage, disagreement/conflict, workplace/career, parenting, kids, fitness/physical health, trauma/PTSD, counseling/therapy, substance abuse   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.`

On today's show, I talk to a woman who probably doesn't want to have kids, but her husband does. Talk to a woman whose daughter is eight years old and overweight, and she wants to know how does she talk to her daughter about her health. We talk to a woman whose husband's an alcoholic and she doesn't know what to do next. Stay tuned. Yo, yo, yo, this is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad you're here with us. There's 17,411,000,000 podcasts and you picked this one to give us your time and your attention. So I'm so grateful that you're here. We're going to talk about mental health

relationships, addiction, all of it whatever you can think of, whatever's going on in your hearts and mind, if you want to be on the show I'd love to talk with you I'd love to have you on the show we get calls from all over planet earth but we're missing you so give us a call at

1-844-693-3291 leave a message Kelly will listen to it and give you a call at 1-844-693-3291. Leave a message. Kelly will listen to it and give you a call back if she deems you worthy. It's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash show. And fill out the form and it will go to Kelly. And then we will have you on the show.

I hope you will fill it out. I hope you'll make a call. Hope you and your partner will make a call. Anybody you know and love will make a call. Love to have you on the show. I hope you will fill it out. I hope you'll make a call. Hope you and your partner will make a call. Anybody you know and love will make a call. Love to have you on the show. All right, let's go straight to the phones. We're going to talk to Marie in North Carolina. Except that is not North Carolina.

That is New York City, said the former geography teacher. Thank God, everybody. I was in high school classroom shaping hearts and minds at one point. Marie, what's going on? Hi, Dr. John. I'm so excited to talk to you today. I'm excited to you. I am glad that you're in New York and not North Carolina because I taught geography. What an idiot. What an idiot. All right. Hey, so what's up? How can I help? Okay. So my husband and I, we cannot agree about having children. And a lot of it has to do with him being in law enforcement. Oof. It has been a year or two for your family, hasn't it?

Yes. It's been really hard. Yeah. Really tough. And I got law enforcement family too. It has been a messy, messy year. All, every feeling, every everything, right? Yep. Yep. All right. So tell me about these fights you're having. Okay. So I'll give you a little bit of background. We've been married for six years. I'm 30. He's almost 40. I grew up in a law enforcement family as well. My father, my grandfather, my father was in an elite unit in New York City, and he was never home. So I kind of grew up with my mom really struggling, doing a lot of things alone, raising us alone, watching

her cry a lot. And now that I'm older, she always says that she feels like she felt like a single mom. There's three of us. So she felt like she was a single mom raising three kids. Um, so now that we're older, my husband has not been in law enforcement, our whole marriage. He got in when we were married for three years, uh, two years. I don't know. He's been on for four years now. Um, and we like light, like we both knew we wanted kids, but we've never, like, I've never felt pressured to have them. He's never pressured me, but now I feel like I don't want to feel like a single mom. And I feel like I don't want to raise my children while my husband is working 12 hour shifts every day, working overtime, barely getting two days off a

week, um, coming home stressed out and don't get me wrong. He's amazing. Like I won the prize with him. Like I really did. But I mean, like there's like his job is stressful. That's just the reality. And I don't want to be not that I feel like he would do this, but I feel like it's a possibility. Like I don't want to be a punching bag for his emotions and then having having to take care of kids and then having to give up my own life, it's just really frustrating. And he's getting to an age, because he is 10 years older than me, that he's like, all right, I'm ready for children. And I'm like, all right, well, I'm really not. And I don't really want to do this by myself.

And that's what I see happening for me, is me doing it by myself. Gotcha. Thank you for being brave. That's not an easy thing to say out loud, all that stuff you just said. Yeah. So you know this, but I'm just going to say it out loud, okay?

Your husband's not your dad, is he? No, he's not. But you carry a lot of your dad around in your backpack, don't you? Way too much, honestly. Way too much. It sounds like you are more at war with your old man and this job that stole your dad than you are your husband. Is that fair? I think that's fair.

So you think, man, you said he won the lottery. He's a great guy serving his community. He loves you like crazy. What have you seen in him that makes you think he's going to disappear on you? Nothing. Like, Dr. John, he's amazing. Like, he's an amazing person. He would be the best freaking dad ever. Like he would be the best dad. He would be still hands-on. He would really take care of me,

but I'm just so like, I'm so afraid. And I just remember like turning 18 and finding out that like my, you know, my dad had some infidelities, um, you know, like while he was obviously where he's retired now, my parents are really great and they worked, they worked through those infidelities. They did. But I saw my mom cry so much and I I saw her work through that alone, too. Mostly alone, honestly. And I just, I don't know. I love my husband. Like I said, he's the freaking best.

But I feel like anybody is capable of anything, and I feel like any situation is capable of change. Listen, I'm laughing because I do not know a cop's kid who trusts anyone. I really don't trust anybody. Nobody, right? Hey, when you go into a restaurant, do you sit with your back to the wall? Yes, of course you do. Yes, I'm a psycho. No, you're not. Hey, listen, you're not.

You're a cop's kid. I'm the same. No, you're not. Hey, listen. You're not. You're a cops kid. I'm the same way. Okay? I am meeting with a counselor now. And maybe two sessions ago, the guy was like, the psychologist, he was like, who do you trust? And I was like, uh, man, my wife. And he's like, you had to think about that who else and I was like uh

Todd like listen all of your fears and insecurities are earned they're all earned you've lived it and here's the thing about for those of you who don't know growing up in the home of a cop every single

day they leave their spouse knows they may not come home and it becomes so routine that we forget those traumas just add up and add up and add up and add up and as a as a kid like you just see dad you know taking shining his shoes and cleaning his gun and look at his bulletproof vest, and you see how tough and big and wonderful that all is, and the fact he might die today or the next day or the next day. And so all, like, Marie, all of your stuff is well-earned. And can I also say this your dad could be a really amazing guy and have totally not shown up for you as a as a as a kid it can be both and and he may have made

some major changes in his life because cops in the 70s and 80s had zero, there was nothing about how to take care of yourself at home. Nothing. You were on the clock here. You're about your community and your kids and family were just something that, you know, it was like a hobby, right? Yeah. And a lot of cops now are, especially the older ones are realizing, oh my gosh, I gave up everything, right?

But it can be both and. So your dad could have really, really sucked growing up. And your mom may have done it all by herself, and she may have done it really hard and sometimes not very well. And there's probably part of you that is afraid, as much afraid of your husband turning into your dad as you are of turning into your mom. Is that fair?

A hundred percent. Oh, a hundred percent. Okay. My, my dad, like my parents were, my mom was so busy taking care of the kids and my dad was so busy working that the only attention, I was the oldest. So the only attention we really got was disciplinary, especially for my dad. So we knew when dad was coming home from work, we were going to get it. Like if we got bad grades and I, and I don't want to be that kind of family. So listen, listen, listen, don't just don't. And I wish it was, it was harder than that, but it's not just choose not to be. Cause here's what I know about you just by this phone call you're going to be a

incredible mom if you decide to have kids incredible mom and based on what you've told me about your husband you listen to this show right people call and tell me all kinds of crazy things about their husband you like yours a lot I love mine he's the freaking best crazy things about their husband. You like yours a lot. I love mine.

He's the freaking best. Well, everyone loves their husband. You like yours. That's a whole other level, right? Yep. It's true. Y'all are going to be incredible parents. It will take both of you saying we are committed together to not replay the past.

And my guess is your mom was, quote unquote, really busy with the kids and your dad was, quote unquote, really busy with the work. My guess is if you really dug into that, they were really busy staying out of each other's way. Yeah. They were probably really busy, not wanting to be connected to each other for some reasons that you may never know about. Yeah.

And so while I want you to hold their experience in your hand, because it is your experience too, and those feelings of neglect and frustration and that, man, my wife calls it Sunday afternoon dad, that cop presence that walks in the door, you feel it. You can be in your room, door shut, listening to old Poison CDs, and that guy walks in the door, you know he's there. It's true.

It's just this weight. That's all true. It's anxiety. It is. It is. But it's earned anxiety. Your brain remembers that, and it doesn't want anxiety. It is. It is. But it's earned anxiety. Your brain remembers that and it doesn't want to do that again.

So when your husband looks at you and he's like, hey, I'm joining the police force, you're like, oh, cool. And then you went, oh, no. Right? And your heart took off, your stomach drops,

and he calls and he's like, hey, I'm going to be late. You're like, okay, that's cool. And then there's a part of your brain that sets off an alarm that goes, here we go again. And suddenly New York's going to be more important than you. And you watch the news, and every day you're like, oh, he's not coming home.

He's not coming home. And almost to the point when he comes home, it becomes a surprise. And then you lean on him a little bit heavier, and you start creating a new world. I've been there, okay? And I'm not married to a cop. I just live with one, right? And so here's the thing. You hold that in one hand. And in the other hand, you hold your husband's hand really tight. And y'all

say, we're not doing this. We're going to put this family first. We're going to put our marriage first. And then our kids, you're going to be an incredible cop. And you're going to teach our kids what loving their community looks like, what service really looks like, even when it's hard and scary. And you're going to show them what listening looks like and what feelings look like and what saying, hey, I messed up or I'm wrong or I'm scared looks like. You're going to show your kids what really digging in on mom looks like. Like, not in a bad way. And like I said, that all weird, like what love looks like, gross love,

like kids like quit kissing in the kitchen love, right? All of those things are a choice. And that's a, somebody in your family is going to have to turn and face the forest fire. And I think it's you. Does that mean you have to have kids? No, but I think that you want them. You mean you have to have kids? No. But I think that you want them.

You just don't want to be your mom. And I think that you want them, you just don't want him to be your dad. And all of a sudden, these variables are starting to line up. Oh, he's got your dad's job. And oh, you don't want to be a single mom. And oh, gosh, that sounds like my mom.

And oh, no. And here we go, right? I think y'all can do it. In fact, you can do it i know you can it's about being super intentional and saying this stops with us and we're gonna be the greatest parents who have ever lived i'm gonna give you a copy of my book redefining anxiety y'all can use it as a roadmap and And I want y'all to have true, real, weird, hard conversations about, not weird, but let's just be honest. Are we going to do this kid thing or not?

And don't leave it hanging out there. Don't let it just stay untethered. Come up with it. Say, we're going to talk about it right now. We're going to make a decision. Then we're going to wait five months. We're not going to bring it up. We're not going to discuss it.

And we will agree to keep looping back to it. But let's don't let that hang over our relationship because it's going to start like a little splinter and then it's going to turn into a wound and the whole thing's going to get infected. It's going to become a mess. Have it out. Have that hard conversation. And if you decide to have kids, number one, y'all are going to be great. Number two, decide you're going to be great.

Number three, be about making it happen. So stay on the line there, Marie, and we're going to get you a copy of that book and we'll send it to you for free. Thank you so much for your call. Let's go to, let's talk to Megan in Kansas City, Missouri. Megan, what's going on? Hey, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call.

I was really excited to chat with Kelly this morning, but I guess I can talk to you too. Yeah, well played. I see what you did there. I think I should probably be a little nicer to you because I need some advice. I disagree. Kelly's the, she's the brains behind this show. So what's up? How can I help?

So my husband and I need some parenting advice. We are the parents to the sweetest, cutest, smartest, most tenacious, funniest, fassiest eight-year-old little girl. And we have some concerns about her weight. Okay. So she's eight. She, on her growth chart, has really been pacing 60% for height, 90% for weight for really her entire life since she's been trapped.

Okay. And so we have some concerns about her weight. She's kind of starting to outpace her height, growth. And so we brought our concerns about our weight. She's kind of starting to outpace her height, growth, growth. And so we brought our concerns to her pediatrician. And we had a candid conversation with her without her around and just said, you know, we're really kind of concerned. You know, we have our own family struggles with obesity and we've been on our own health journey, but we want better for her. And so we have been referred to our local children's hospital to a weight management clinic. And so here are my two questions.

Is this something that we should pursue? If so, how in the world do we have an age-appropriate conversation with an 8-year-old about her body in a really healthy, empowering way? We really do not want to hurt her in the process of trying to help her. Gotcha. Number one, this one's hard. And so I appreciate your trust here, man. And it's, man, I can hear it over the phone. You love this kid, don't you?

Well, gosh. And I just want to call out the beginning of this call. Anything weight discussion is just so sensitive. And so I'm going to just go blaze right through the middle of this. Okay. And if I don't say it the right way, or if I will lean one way or the other, please just know my heart is with you and your husband and this beautiful,

beautiful daughter. Okay. So anytime I have this conversation, anything health related to a kid, especially someone who's like 8 and not 18, I always want to know the percentiles, right, which you gave me, 60 to 90. And it sounds like the 90% is increasing, right? You know, it's increasing by probably 2 to 3%. Okay.

You know, I mean, it's not exploding, but it's not going in the right direction. Right. Okay. So this is a hard question. Where did she learn this? Where was this? Where, where, so, um, especially childhood obesity would fall under a disordered eating, right? Whether it's a coping tool or whether it's just available or whether it's a combination of 500 different factors, where does she learn this? Either modeling or see it. Do you and your husband

have weight challenges? Like walk me through you and your husband's journey. Yeah. So my pediatrician put me on my first diet when I was five years old. And so I've got a pretty interesting history with my weight. And so I was on a diet from 5 to 30. I had bariatric surgery at 30. Hold on. I don't want to say very interesting. I want to use the word trauma. Oh, yeah, for sure trauma.

Okay. Not just interesting. I don't want to minimize it. That's hard. Five-year-olds should not be on diets, right? Right, right. And so I had bariatric surgery at 30. I've maintained 100-pound weight loss for the past six years.

Awesome. My husband had bariatric surgery about three years ago. He's also maintained 100-pound weight loss. We have about seven members of our extended family who have had bariatric surgery and who have all maintained about 100-pound weight loss for a significant amount of time. Awesome. So if there's an obesity gene, I'm pretty sure we have that. Okay. But we have in our family, we don't personally, but in our family, we've got head to die disease and heart conditions and all of the things that go along with it. So I would say she probably learned it from us, even though I feel like I've been hyper

vigilant on her eating and on her exercise and in her relationship with her body. And I feel like we're doing a lot of really great things with her nutrition and body talk and things like that. Like, I feel like we're really regimented and we're still struggling and she's still really struggling here. Gotcha. So is the, so when you talk about you've maintained a hundred pound weight, number one, high five to you.

That's incredible. Thank you. Okay? And I feel like I'm the both-and guy always, right? Or the and-or-that. So that's incredible. And I've seen it to where maintaining the 100-pound weight loss becomes the new drug. And the regimen and the militantness becomes the new pathology.

Is that you guys, or have you, for those of you who don't know, disorder eating is so hard because, like, if you're addicted to cocaine, you can just stop being around cocaine. You can't do that with food. You've got to make peace with it, right? And that's a whole other level. Are you in a healthy place with food you've got to make peace with it right and that's a whole other level are you in a healthy place with food or is it something that you've learned to control through power it i am

very very very regimented with my food i treat i treat my relationship food with food i almost treat it like a food addiction like i don't eat any form of sugar, even stevia, because one bite is not enough. It's on. I mean, I'm out. And so I eat three meals a day, no snacks. I weigh and measure my food. I have to be regimented because I live in a brain that says too much is not enough. And so I can hit a slippery slope fast.

Yes. Is your husband similar? No. No. He is way more balanced with it than I am. Okay. And he's maintained his weight loss? Mm-hmm.

Okay. Yeah. So you, did he have the same childhood you had? No, he really didn't. No, he didn't. Okay. He was, I mean, a fairly, you know, average weight kid. He really started gaining in like high school and college. And then he had brain cancer

a couple of years ago and has an autoimmune disease. And because of the medicine that he takes, it caused some weight gain. And so that was a lot of the catalyst behind it. Okay. Have you ever met with a psychologist or a counselor for any extended period of time? Oh, I've gone for years. Okay. So when somebody tells me they've gone for years and their day-to-day life is still so controlled by this narrative, there's a gap there. What is that gap?

What do you think that is? So we, I've probably gone pretty consistently for three, maybe four years, and we have unpacked a lot of family trauma that I went through. So we've spent probably the first three years unpacking family trauma and now have really spent the past probably six months to a year talking through my relationship with food and really unpacking my relationship with food and how I handle it. Okay. So there, if every single person in your family, I don't want to, I can't, I'm not a medical doctor, so I cannot rule out any sort of genetic disposition, any sort of medical conditions that you and your family have. Okay. So you know about that.

Your pediatrician knows about it. Your kid's pediatrician knows about that. Okay. What I can tell you is kids absorb. And when I say absorb, I mean they inhale it. It's the air they breathe. They inhale home tension and they inhale home peace in a really weird way. And it becomes them in a really weird way.

And I don't know enough to tell you about weight and how that works. I just don't know enough, right? But I will use something like ADHD. If you have, you hear a lot about, that's a neurological condition. It's a genetic issue. It is only in the right context in the right environments. Right. So in a particular brain, I'm a card-carrying member of that crew. So in a particular chaotic or exhausted or power or whatever childhood you want to wrap your head around, my brain went to solve problems that way, right? Which then leads to all sorts of anxiety issues and all sorts of this and this as I try to sit still in a classroom for eight hours and then hold a job and all those other things, right? And so it may be, this is me just spitballing here,

not medical advice, that your kid absorbs chaos, tension, regiment, power, and because of the series of genes that she inherited, her outlet becomes X, right? As though mine's is Y, right? it doesn't mean we're broken it means our bodies are doing exactly what they were designed to do at some point that means that the focus in your world has got to shift and this is so so so hard has to shift away from fighting and towards peace. And I'm so, so happy to hear you are on that journey, right? The fact that a five-year-old was put on a diet for 25 years and nobody said, hey, is this working?

Right? I mean, that's such a traumatic thing that was done to you. And I'm so, so sorry that you experienced that. I hate that for you. Hate it, hate it, hate it. And my hope and dream is I'm very similar. If I have one gummy candy, dude, I will, I'll eat everything. Right. And I also know I can do that sometimes and it's going to be all right. Nobody's, you know, and I'm going to be back on my cycle. So I've made peace with it. Right. And that's what I long, long for you. So getting

back to your daughter, eight year olds can't make peace. They don't, they're eight, right? Is your physician worried about your daughter's health? Is he scared for her or is he listening to your family history and listening to your fear about your daughter? He's listening to me. Okay. So when he said or she recommended that to go to a clinic, what does that mean? Is that an outpatient clinic? Is she going to go live there for six months?

What is that going to be? No, what it is is we will meet with a doctor and a dietitian via zoom um and so she did lab this morning they're gonna look at her lab look at her medical history do some genetic testing to see if she has that obesity gene um and then she so there is a genetic predisposition right there is that that actual gene i'm sure yes i'm sure there is and she hasn't been tested for it but i if i was a betting woman, I would bet that she probably does. I don't know enough about obesity genes to know, so I trust you that there's there. And so then my guess is, just look at epigenetics, that a whole host of people may have that gene, but given the right set of trauma and circumstances and fill in the blank, fill in the blank, then that sucker gets activated and then here we go.

Okay. Yeah. And so we're going to meet with them. We'll be paired with a pediatric dietician. And then there are also some peer groups that she will be a part of and like meet with Zoom where they'll talk through like activity and what are some good food choices and things like that and kind of walk her through that. They also are doing a research study, which is why they're going to do genetic testing on her.

They're also doing a research study to track her and track kids in their programs through their adolescence to see who has the gene, how they respond to treatment, and who doesn't and how they respond. Because I think that from what they said, there's a lot of research on prevention. There's not a lot of research on damage control. When we're already here, there's not a lot of research about how to get out of here.

Yeah. So can I ask you this question? This is going to sound like an indicting question. It's not at all. How did your daughter get here? It sounds like you have a really regimented home that wouldn't have sugar and all the breads and all the stuff in it. And yet somehow she still found herself here. How did she, is it just her body's response to protein intake and healthy saturated fat intake? I mean, how does she get here?

It can't be, it can't be that. I mean, it has to be us. I mean, there's times where we'll, I mean, we probably eat out probably twice a month. She gets ice cream a couple of times a month. But there are times where, you know, we're not as regimented. I mean, for the most part, we're probably 80% really regimented and 20% not. And so she had to have gotten here because of us. We're her environment. Like, it's an entire hand in our lap. 80% wouldn't get you here. 80% would, it would be a 20%, like just using the math. I want to stay in my lane here and I don't know enough about the medical. But an 80%, like we're living an 80-20 life, in a normal circumstance would not equate to a 90 to 94, 93 percentile. Does that make sense? Yes. What's that gap? What am I missing?

I mean, it's easily that we could not have been as regimented as we have been in probably the past year. And so it could be that. I mean, it could be, I don't, I wish I knew. If I knew, I would have fixed this already. Okay. What I, I want you to be really careful about that language that you just said. Okay? Anytime, and you've lived this, anytime somebody becomes a project or something to fix because they are broken, that becomes trauma for the rest of their life. Okay. Okay? Your daughter's just, I mean, you love her so much, I can hear it, right?

Here's the person I want you to love, too. I want you to love you. You've accomplished so much, but it feels like you are still working so, so, so hard. Is that right? Not on. After all of your success and turning the corner, you still don't like you. Why is that? I don't know.

I think I feel like I have to earn and I have to prove myself and earn that love and prove that I'm successful. Yeah, you don't got to earn nothing. And somebody told you that. A lot of people have told you that. That what you need to do is you need to eat better. What you need to do is you need to lose some weight. And what you need to do is you need to lose some weight. And what you need to do is whatever. And for some of us,

like, we were told to achieve academically. We were told to achieve on a ball field. You were told to achieve in a dinner table. And that's bull crap.

And I'm so sorry that happened to you. My mom used to tell me I'd be really pretty if I would lose weight. I do. I was the cutest, cutest blonde-haired green-eyed little girl if I was loose weight. That's the cutest cutest blonde haired green eyed little girl.

I'm so sorry. I don't want to do this to my daughter. I want so much better for her. And here's where you start. You start with your mirror. Okay. Now there's some very practical things that y'all are going to have to work through as a family.

Right? Her weight is her weight, and her challenges are her challenges. Right? Y'all are going to have to work through that practically. But she is going to learn how to love herself by the most important, gigantic model she has in the world,

and that's you. She's going to learn how to love her future partner. She's going to learn how to love food. She's going to learn how to love laughing, learn how to do all things from you. And if you say, you've got to love yourself, she will not be able to know cognitively, but she will sense the disconnect between what you're saying and how you look at yourself. Okay? That's not an indictment.

That is, I'm telling you that not to pile more crap on you because you do not need that. I'm telling you that to let you know that your husband loves you, your little girl loves you, and the world is waiting on Megan to love Megan. You don't got to achieve nothing. Nothing. Okay?

Okay. And you've listened to the show long enough, I'll tell you the truth. If I think you're being an idiot, I'll tell you the truth. Okay? Okay. Okay. Now, here's the hard reality. Your daughter is somehow, she doesn't feed herself. She's somehow getting this stuff here.

She is absorbing this stuff. And I think, I don't have any problem with any sort of, if a medical doctor says, hey, we need to do a clinic intake, I'm in no position to override a medical doctor. What I would love to see, and hopefully it would be a part of this protocol, I would love to see some sort of family counseling with the three of you. Maybe starting with you and your husband and then moving over to include your daughter. Okay. Because something, I want to get underneath the symptoms here, underneath the eating, underneath the physiology here, underneath that and say,

how can we become a resource for one another of peace, right? Not weighing everything. You may have to do that. That may be the rest of your life. I hope it's not. And I hope the counselor you're with, psychologist you're with, is making peace with, not learning to get tougher, right? Being vulnerable with. And you've got to deal with the medical

stuff with your daughter. I keep saying that over and over. But here's the thing. Y'all have to model a different life. And if that works through, if that begins with her going to this program, great. And if it doesn't, great. How you tell her is just that you love her. Love, love, love, love her. One thing I tell my kids all the time, they've got one job. I've got one job, and that's me helping them be safe. I'll say, what's my one job? And they'll roll their eyes and be like, keep me safe.

Right? I want you to let your daughter know that you love her and that you want her to be so, so, so, so well and so healthy. And that you're working on being healthy, that daddy's still working on being healthy, and you're going to help her learn some new tools on how she can be healthy. Okay. And you're going to start from there. Any sort of hiding or lying to a kid, they will absorb it.

They will make it their fault, and they'll chase that down for the rest of their lives. You've got to they will absorb it. They will make it their fault and they'll chase that down for the rest of their life. So you got to tell her the truth. Okay. But also parents can weaponize that like it was done to you. Right. You know what I mean by that? Yeah. You'd be so pretty if you'd be so pretty, if you could just lose it, that stops in your heart, right? You're not going to pass that one on, right? Never. Awesome.

So it becomes, I want to, we want to have a healthy family that is always able to run and play and laugh and get old and be able to hang out with our dog, whatever the thing is, right? This is about building a beautiful, wonderful, healthy life, not running from an ugly one. Okay. And let's make no mistake too, your daughter knows that she doesn't look like other kids. Is that fair? That's totally fair. Yeah. So we're going to focus less on the aesthetics, less on beauty because she is beautiful and wonderful and spunky and fireball. We're going to focus less on that stuff. We're going to focus more on building something beautiful.

Okay? Okay. Okay. Hey, she is really lucky to have you as her mom. Thank you. And that knuckleheaded husband of yours is really lucky to have you as his wife. Thank you so much. Okay?

Okay. I'm so grateful that you called, Megan. Thank you so much. Thank you. All right.. Okay. I'm so grateful that you called, Megan. Thank you so much. Thank you. All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to Lana in Portland, Oregon. Lana, what's going on? Hi, how are you, Dr. John?

We are rocking and rolling. How are you? I'm doing good, thank you. I'm a huge fan of yours, and I'm so thankful to be on the show. Hey, thank you so much for calling, And thank you for being fan number four. This is pretty cool. So what's up? How can I help?

Okay, my question is, how do I tell my husband I'm not okay with his drinking, even if he's not aggressive or mean? And according to him, bills are getting paid. So everything seems okay, but I'm not okay with him drinking what are you not okay with not okay with him drinking that was a bad i asked that question dumb what are the things about his drinking you're not okay with he is a functional alcoholic and he admits that so he drinks a lot um it's three to five times a week um and i just i really tried every method i tried being okay with it i really did let me back up let me back up paint me a picture of the husband that you would like to see versus

the one you have okay so i kind of have both of them in one person okay so when he drinks he comes home we might fight a little bit and he's like oh i just had a beer no big deal i'm just tired and he just lays he just not very functional. He just lays, he sleeps a lot. How many drinks a day does he have? A day? It's a weekend. It's going to be a few at least. He can get drunk. I don't know. He doesn't really drink in front of me. He hides it kind of because he knows I don't like it. But to call somebody an alcoholic, that means they are drinking to excess to the point that it impairs their life. And so how much is he having four or five, six, ten drinks a day? Is he just grabbing a beer after work every day?

Like, where is he? I think he's more like a beer, grabbing a beer after work. But then the weekend he gets drunk. Okay. Almost every weekend. Okay. And he says he calls he gets drunk. Okay. Almost every weekend. Okay. And he says he calls himself an alcoholic. Okay.

There hasn't been a week that he didn't drink. Okay. So having a beer after work, I would not classify somebody as an alcoholic that way. If they are getting wasted three or four or five times a week they are they are unable to complete normal life tasks if it's getting in the way if it's spending money that you guys don't have if it is yeah that's that's that that's spending money we don't have okay that's barely making ends meet that's uh that That saying, I'm working on it. It's going to get better.

It's hiding beers from me. He doesn't tell me how much he had. Lana, does he have... You called about him, and he's not on the phone so the only person I can talk about is you okay what is he hiding from I don't know

Atlanta do you like him I do I love him you love him I love a lot of people I don't like him do you like him when he drinks I start I'm starting to not like him okay but you say he drinks every day

yeah and I wonder if you've y'all have done a dance long enough to where you don't like him most days and when he's not at work and he's going to be around you all weekend, he knows one way to disappear in broad daylight. This is tough.

This is hard. Now, listen, in no way, shape, form, or fashion am I excusing him getting drunk all the time. Yeah. I'm never going to say that it's your fault that he's an alcoholic. You haven't convinced me that he is an alcoholic. Sounds like he drinks a lot. But more than that, it sounds like y'all are living two parallel lives stuck in the same house. You're talking to me like people talk about their annoying roommate.

Because I think it's at the point where I'm annoyed with it. I really try to be okay with like, okay, he just drinks. But his health is in jeopardy. His liver is failing. He has a really fatty liver. And every time he goes to a doctor, they keep talking to him about it. And it scares me. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm going to wake up and he's going to be dead next to me.

And that really scares me. And I'm not okay. Okay, so how do you Lana, how do you tell him that? Okay, I My guess is I'll cut to the chase here. My guess is that you are just more vulnerable with me

just now. I'm scared I'm going to wake up and he's going to be dead. And he is big and he's got health problems and he smells sometimes, but I love him and I'm terrified he's going to wake up dead. I feel like you are just more vulnerable with me than you've been with him in a long time. Is that true?

It's true. I tried telling him, but it kind of brings a fight every time. He just wants me to be normal with this. And when I try to open up, I can't. I honestly, when he drinks, I just instantly close up. It's like I get in my bubble in my head. I'm not okay with it. And then there are days when everything's fine and we talk and we laugh and I just fall in love with him again. I'm like, this is what I want. If he just didn't drink, he would be amazing. He would be perfect. But then I have to, oh,

I just, I have a three, two year old and I don't want her to grow in this environment, honestly. How old are you? I really don't. I'm 29. How old is he? He's 35. 35. Okay.

So here's a couple of things that you can do. And at this point, you're going to have to, you're quickly running up on what I would call your or what moment. Yes, I'm already there. Okay. So you're there. So if you want to have this, a conversation, you're going to have to be vulnerable and you're going to have to go first. And being vulnerable means you're going to have to open yourself up to rejection and getting hurt.

There is no other way around it. You cannot complain, whine, manipulate, punch, hide, whatever, your way to somebody's heart. It is not real. Okay? Yeah, true. The only way. And I am a 6'2", 200-pound Texas male, okay? It pains me to say what I'm saying out loud.

Got it? Yes. The only way to truly be in relationship with somebody is to be vulnerable with them, is to say, I'm scared about this. Whatever this happens to be. The economy, our house, my job. In your case, I'm scared you're going to wake up dead. And it is perfect for a guy, not perfect, but it's common for a guy to roll over and be like, I'm going to be fine.

You'll be better off if I was. And that's when you hold his beautiful face and say, I'm scared you're going to die. And some guys can't hear that. I couldn't hear that for a long, long time. And so, number one, I'm going to give you like four or five things. Okay, number one, never have this conversation when he's been drinking. Can't hear it. one, I'm going to give you like four or five things. Okay. Number one, never have this conversation when he's been drinking. Can't hear it. Yes. I tried it. It doesn't work. Nope. Never do. Okay. Number two, know that his feelings are part of the problem.

He's covering something up and it may be 35 years old, maybe 30 years old. It may be a combination of things. It may be a whole host of traumas and challenges and all kinds of things you may not even know anything about. You may look at that little two-year-old and just think, I remember how my dad was, my mom was, my granddad was. I'm never going to live, whatever shame cycle he's in. Know that feelings are part of the problem. That's what he's covering up, right? So when you go after him and his quote-unquote feelings

with your feelings know that you are bringing a gun to a knife fight that's the that's the scary thing okay right um try not to have blow-ups if you feel a fight coming on back out and say it out loud i'm not gonna fight with you I love you and I'm scared for you, but I'm not going to fight with you. Not today. Okay. And I think, um,

uh, can I go? Yeah, go ahead. I think he was the first one. He's the sweetest person. Honestly. Yeah. He was the first one to say,

okay, I'm not going to argue with you. I'm not going to just, um, he was the first one to say, and when the going to just, he was the first one to say, and when the fight is coming, he's the first one to not fight. I want to just be like, okay, now that I'm bothered by it, let me tell you. And here's what your addiction is to being right.

Your addiction is to winning. Well, he says, I have problems too. He tells me, well, you have problems too, and I'm not going to give up on you, but you want to give up on me because last fight we had, I said, I might leave. Honestly, I'm at the point where either you go to rehab or I'm going to leave.

And he doesn't want to hear that. So that response of, oh, you're going to give up on me? You're bailing on me? That's a manipulative gaslighting response. Okay? So don't fall for that. All right? And at the same time, don't be addicted to being right.

Don't be addicted to having fights. Don't be addicted to attacking, right? Be in this to solve this relationship challenge. Be in this to be vulnerable and to be open and let this guy know he's loved. And let him know that you are going to draw a line. And then you're going to have to decide what that line is. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to write him a letter.

That way he can see it and read it and get really pissed off or get really vulnerable or really scared, but he can go back to it and he can go back to it. I want you to write a letter. Not one that's like, you keep and you keep and you keep. Not that kind of letter, Lana. I want it to be a letter that says, Dear sweetest, sweetest husband, I love you.

We have a baby. I want you to be around for a long, long time, and I'm really scared that you're not going to be. You're not mean. You're not unsafe. You're not abusive. But when you drink, you disappear. You check out, and I need you here. Your daughter, your son, we all need you here.

And I'm worried about your health. I'm worried about your life. And I've got some things I've got to work on, here. And I'm worried about your health. I'm worried about your life. And I've got some things I've got to work on too because I'm addicted to being right. And I'm addicted to the fight. I'm addicted to trying to drag emotion out of you, kicking and screaming. And at some point, y'all both have to learn some new relationship tools,

probably that neither of you learned in the relationships that were modeled for you. And let him know that you're committed to learning new ways to communicate. Sounds like you got a great guy, man, who's really struggling, who's really hiding, and it sounds like you're somebody who is so passionate and loves him and loves him and loves him, and you just want him to be loved and do the right things. And then y'all just get in this toxic dance and you're just burning a hole in the carpet. Pretty soon the house is going to burn down. So write him a letter,

tell him that you love him. Don't put your or what statement in this letter, but I want you to go get with somebody. I want you to go meet with a local counselor in your area. If you don't have a local counselor, I want you to go to betterhelp.com slash Deloney. And I want you to get online and find a counselor who will meet with you, talk through some of your relationship challenges. You learn some new skills so that you can address him. And I want you to really think deeply about your or what moment. What comes next? Because nagging and fighting and clawing and scratching aren't going to solve this.

Vulnerability is the way forward. But there has come a line. When you're in an abusive relationship, you're married to an addict, that you have to draw your oar wetline. And I want you to get some professional help with that. I'm so glad you called. I can tell you love him and you want him so bad. He deserves to hear how much you love him and how scared you are for his life

thank you so much for a call all right as we wrap up today's show um this really is like top two or three favorite songs of all time i've saved it here it is from the 1997 album color in the shape this is the foo fighters greatest is the greatest song of all time It's in my top, yeah, top one or two Ever long, and it goes like this Hello, I've waited here for you Ever long And tonight I throw myself into and out of the red And out of her head she's saying

Come down and waste away with me Down with me and slow how you wanted it to be And I'm over my head And out of her head She's saying And I wonder wonder when I sing along with you, if everything could ever be this real forever and if anything could ever be this good again, the only thing I'll ever ask of you,

you've got to promise not to stop when I say when. She's saying, this is the Dr. John Deloney Show.