The Dr. John Delony Show - How Can My Wife and I Learn To Fight Better?

Episode Date: December 13, 2021

In this episode, we talk about coping with COVID-related germophobia, what to do when someone you love is hiding an addiction, and whether or not it really is healthy to fight in marriage. Listener feedback: Is John on cocaine? Since COVID I've become OCD about germs & sickness My brother is an alcoholic but his wife wants to keep it a secret How do my wife and I learn to fight better? Lyrics of the Day: "Cocaine" - Eric Clapton Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage   Resources: Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation   Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talked to a woman who got COVID and now she feels like she's a germaphobe. She wants to know what to do. We talked to a woman whose brother's an alcoholic and she doesn't know how to talk to him. We talked to a husband who just wants to fight better with his wife. And we answered the question, am I on cocaine? Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? What's up?

This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, what a wild week we are having. Glad you're with us. Hope you're having a great day. Thanks for joining us. We're talking about mental health, relationships, education, family, how to reconnect, how to be humans again. So glad that you're here. It's awesome. If you want to be on the show, it's 888- Oh, no, it, family, how to reconnect, how to be humans again. So glad that you're here.

It's awesome. If you want to be on the show, it's 888- Oh, no, it's not 888- Man, it's the wrong show. It's 1-844-693-3291. It's like, I feel like I'm calling my new girlfriend an old girlfriend's name when I do that. It's not great.

And I for sure have done that before. 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And her name is Susie, not Sharon. I never dated a Susie or a Sharon. Oh well. All right, two cool things. One is hilarious, James.

One is just really kind. So, hey, everybody, keep mailing me letters. This is like, I feel like I just got home from summer camp. And every day I come in and there's letters that you all write with your hands and paper. And number one, the paper you all find is incredible. Because I can tell most of you all haven't written a letter in ever. And it's so fun. But these letters are great.

But I've got to tell you something about the internets, James. Let me find it here. I'm looking on my cellular device, and I'm speaking as though I'm 117 years old. So the other night on the internets, my wife, she published like a small book, and it's incredible. It's so good. We did an Instagram Live, and we had a friend of ours who lives over in East Nashville. He's an artist. He's just remarkable.

His name is Eric Peterson. He was on there too. So we were just taking questions, and everyone always wants to know, like, I never met my wife. And so this was like the big reveal, like she exists. And anyway, so somebody that night after the internets, after this IG live, and we just took questions about anything, everything. It was fun. And it's a little bit like Ghostbusters because me and my wife don't cross the streams.

Like she doesn't listen to the show. That sounded like a peeing reference. It is not. But she don't cross the streams. She doesn't listen to the show. That sounded like a peeing reference. It is not. But she doesn't watch the show. She just does her own thing, and I do my own thing. I'm in the cold tub in the morning, and she's under the covers writing, and so we're just very different people.

But then somebody writes in from the internets, and this is phenomenal. Here's what they write. This woman is really kind and says a lot of great things about this show Says some rude things about y'all too But it's cool Actually she didn't

And she says this I'm never ever anyone that would hurl something An accusation And I'm not sure why it's on my heart to even say this now But Your live video was a little strange And you owe me no explanation Obviously but you seemed under the influence of cocaine. All the typical physical mannerisms of your face and mouth movements and your speech patterns.

I'm not saying this to shame you or even say it's true. I'm simply saying that if you're using a substance for whatever reason, whether coping or enjoyment, that for the first time, I noticed it tonight on your IG Live. Maybe I have an astute eye for a variety of reasons. Dot, dot, dot. P.S. You're worth being well. P.S. So,

a couple of things. I've been around cocaine a lot in my life. I've never done it. I wasn't doing cocaine with my wife on an IG Live. Who does cocaine at nine at night anyway? You got to go to bed, but that's beside the point. And actually people who do cocaine are like, kind of anytime's a good time to do cocaine. So I don't know when we started watching clocks, weirdo, but so that's an aside. So for this sweet person who saw it and thought, oh no, I wasn't doing cocaine, But I showed my wife this

to show her that people on the internet just have their thoughts and feelings about you. And she read this and goes, finally, somebody understands what I have to live with every day. And that made me sad. And then she's like, I'm going to show all my friends this. And then she has, and they're all like, yeah, we can see that your life is pretty awful. So two things. One, I kind of want to do cocaine now just to see what would actually happen. If this is my life. And two, James, you've spent a lot of time with me.

Do I have speech patterns and behavior mannerisms? I've never seen a lot of people that are high on cocaine, but you definitely have what I feel like is cocaine energy a lot of times. So don't do it because it would just double back on itself. Yeah, I know.

I think it would create a wormhole in the universe. My wife tells me I'm a lot, and I think she's probably correct. I think you should be thankful. A lot of people would kill for the energy that you have. A lot of people do illegal drugs

to get like this. To get this B-O-D-Y. So, haha, how do you like that, America? This comes naturally. If you think I'm on cocaine, I'm not. I'm kind of a downer, I think. Anyway. Hey! In other news,

I got a letter, and we'll read it. Dear Dr. John, Hello. After listening to the podcast that came out on my 35th birthday of all days, where the caller asked, how do I know if I'm an alcoholic? You said a few things that hit me in ways I didn't expect. As a casual drinker who could stop when I wanted to, that's what they all say, and didn't experience problems per se, I noticed that I was struggling with exactly what you said, scratching and clawing my way through the morning after a few drinks and not giving myself a chance to feel my absolute best. Since that day, I quit drinking alcohol,

and I feel like I've regained control of my life in a way that I didn't know I needed. For the first time in years, I wake up before my alarm. I'm in the gym at 5 a.m. several days a week. I'm more present and clear-minded at working with my two young daughters, and my sleep has been the best of my adult life. Yeah, that's awesome. And I just said, yeah, like we were in a gym or something like an idiot. I didn't mean to say it like that.

But my husband has joined me in this venture, and our relationship has never been better. I've learned so much from listening to your podcast and from the books you've suggested. Currently reading Chatter by Ethan Cross. Excellent book. I agree. Thank you for what you do.

And then some other nice stuff. Dude, yes. And hey, that's what this show is about. Taking one degree shift. What if I decided to, instead of yelling, I got quiet for a minute? What if I, when I felt angry, I actually asked myself what I'm angry about

instead of just going after my child? Or what if I just tried a few weeks without drinking, what happens? Or what if I actually started having a glass of wine at night? Cause I never drink ever, ever, ever. And would that help me fill in blank? Yes, yes, yes. So good for you. I'm not going to say your name cause you didn't tell me I could, but AR, thank you so much for your letter. All right, let's get to the calls. Let's go to Caitlin in West Palm Beach, Florida. What's up, Caitlin? Hi, Dr. D.

How are you? I just want to say I'm really excited. I'm excited. To be talking to you, a little nervous. I've followed you from the very beginning. Super honored that you would even take my call. Well, I'm grateful for you. It's really kind that you even reached out.

And lucky for you, you may get some cocaine energy, even though I'm not doing drugs. Listen, like James said, I'm super jealous because... You have to buy your drugs? Yeah. I mean, coffee, Starbucks is like the equivalent of street prices anyway. Exactly. And the lines are longer. Hey, so what's up, Kaylin?

Okay. So I had COVID about a month ago. How are you? How are you? I'm much better now. Good. Was it pretty rough? It was very rough mentally more so than physically. How are you? I'm much better now. Good. Was it pretty rough?

It was very rough mentally more so than physically. I assume because I had the vaccine, it was like a breakthrough. But mentally, I already struggle with anxiety. I already struggle with PTSD. And this whole experience was just, you know, when people ask me about it, I just say it was really traumatic. Yeah. It was traumatic for me. Okay. Since then, I have developed OCD is what I've been told, specifically contamination OCD. Oh, man. Are you germaphobe-ing out like crazy?

I am. Yeah. Yeah. Go on. Um, like doorknobs freak me out and buttons and, you know, just, yeah, it's all about either germs or getting sick again or getting someone I love sick or other people sick. Yes. Um, I've never dealt with this problem before. I've never had these feelings or thoughts or worries in this way before. Um, I do have to say that it has eased up a little bit since like the initial, you know, coming out of COVID, but I just can't shake the, like, you know, in the back of my mind, I'm always thinking, I'm always thinking about the button, always thinking about the doorknobs. I'm always thinking, you know, in the back of my mind, I'm always thinking, I'm always thinking

about the button, always thinking about the doorknobs. I'm always thinking, you know, you know, of course the doctors wanted to throw medicine at me, but I just kind of feel like I would rather, I feel like I have the mindset and the willpower to work through this. You know, I've sought therapy. I've been told to try exposure therapy with no real explanation of how to do that. So, yeah,

I'm just hoping... I got you. Where there's a will, there's a way, right? I got you. Sort of. Sort of. Okay. But it's going to work exactly opposite of how you think it is. So let me ask you two questions real quick to help me frame this. Anxiety, what is that trying to tell you?

Do you have childhood trauma? What's the PTSD from? I have childhood trauma. And then I have a significant other. We're not married, but, you know, we have a kid and all that, um, who has a substance abuse problem. I've done a lot of stuff with him. Okay. All right. So you've got, so the way I frame anxiety and I'm going to walk you, I'm going to reverse engineer where we are. Okay. The way, um, the best I can tell biochemically

and both biochemically and relationally, anxiety is just an alarm. You may have heard me say this a thousand times that tells your body, you are either out of connection with the relationships. So it's an ancient alarm system letting you know, you just woke up on the planes and you were all by yourself and you're probably

going to die. So it wants you to reconnect. The second one is the alarm that is letting you know you are not in control of your situation. You are out of control. Somebody else has autonomy over you. And then the third one is just a generalized alarm that says you're not

safe right now. I just want to tell you really quickly is that the anxiety that I feel now, it's almost as if, you know, when I had the COVID, I was so hypersensitive of what am I feeling? What are my symptoms? What's going to happen? What's not happening? You know, to, I was on this like high alert and it's almost like I can't turn it off now.

Yes. Okay. So here's the beautiful thing about the system and it's devastating at the same time. It's like watching an explosion. It's so beautiful and it just is so destructive. When you, and it could be a hundred things from your childhood. I'm going to pick one randomly and just go from there. Okay.

But you know, this runs deeper than what I'm about to say. So you're in relationship with an addict and you're trying to make it work. And sometimes you participate and sometimes you don't. So you get shame and guilt too. And then you have a kid and then you have this picture of what my life was going to look like with a kid. And it is anchored to an addict. And so the boat you are on is rocking always. It's never stable.

And underneath all of that, you have lost control. And your brain begins to tell you every day, we've got to get control back. We've got to get control back. We've got to get control back. And then you've got some patterns that you learned as a child, which is either hide or to overcorrect. And when I just said overcorrect, think of a steering wheel, your hands just, some people when they hit, they're about to have a wreck, they literally let go of the wheel. The car is in control and others clamp down on it. My guess is you're a clamper. Am I onto it?

Yes. Okay. Yes. You hit it, yeah. So here's the beautiful thing. Our bodies get addicted to that clamp. It surges with all sorts of stress hormones and it gets addicted to it.

And the sucky thing about anxiety is when those alarms start, they start looking for everywhere we don't have control, we're not safe. Yes. And then it, I called it the great transference. My, when I had it super bad, it would just move from thing to thing to thing. And I would eventually solve for that thing. And then it would just move to something else. It would go from the stock markets collapse and we're going to have to eat our pets too. Then it would move over to climate stuff. And then it would move over to this. It kept moving on me. It would never stop.

And then a real thing would happen. And then finally my body would go, oh, we know this script. So am I reading it? Am I walking down the line? So it goes from trauma, real trauma, relational trauma, and you are out of control and your body sounds the anxiety alarms and then it picks up in all kinds of ptsd it just experiences your past trauma in the present all day every day you're having all these thoughts over and over you're replaying everything and trying to gain control over something that happened a long time ago and then you get covid and you did everything right you tried to control it it. You got the vaccine. You've been taking care of everything. You're being safe and you got it anyway. And now what happened is your body realizes one damning thing. You're in control of basically nothing. Nothing. Yeah. And it either, you either let go of that steering wheel or you uber clamped on it. And now you don't want to touch a doorknob, a button. And there's a lot of semantics in the OCD world about,

is it an anxiety disorder, a different part of your brain? I don't care about any of that crap. Until somebody proves me otherwise, it's a continuity. It is when your body says, oh, you're not getting our message, we'll take over for you, right? And we will make sure you can't get out of this building. We want you to be so safe that we're just going to walk you in a circle for the rest of your life, right?

Yeah, that's what it feels like, yeah. Yeah. And so here's all for exposure therapy. Here's all exposure therapy is. Let's say you have a phobia of snakes. And if you get around snakes, your body, like, you'll vomit. It will lock down. Not like I hate snakes, but it shuts down your body. Exposure therapy is when you go to counseling and somebody will sit with you and they will, on the other side of the room,

show you a picture of a snake. That's it. And they will let you feel your body. Did you go through all this? I haven't done it yet. Okay. So you start with a picture and then you go progressively until you've got a snake around your neck and you're just holding it and your body quits reacting for you. And we think it's about thinking. It's not. It's about our body taking over. And all exposure therapy does is it lets our body reconnect and go, okay, we're safe. And by the way, when you're doing this, you're working with a counselor and you're establishing a relationship.

Your body is reconnecting with a human. And so you begin to, over time, your body goes, okay, we're safe. They're safe. They're safe. They're safe. Just establish this trust. And then your body quits overreacting. And so technically, that's exposure therapy. A lot of people try to go home and use your words, which are

willpower. I'm just going to keep grabbing this doorknob over and over. And then I'm just going to lick my hand after I'm going to lick the doorknob and I'm going to go stick my hand in the bathroom in a gas station. And then I'm just going to eat. Right. I mean, like what I'll tell you, if you do that, your brain will revolt. Yeah. That's not, willpower is the worst. So when somebody tells me they try to just grit their way through OCD, grit their way through anxiety, that is bringing a, what do you call them, a malt of that how you say it? To try to put a fire out.

It's nuts. It's the exact wrong thing. Here's where willpower works. If you will commit to submitting to this thing. Okay. So it's reverse. You don't want to overdo it. You almost want to underdo it.

You want to just complete submission to it. So I've had every, and the reason I'm all, man, I feel like I'm talking too much. I'm all passionate about this because I've been down this road. I was vaccinated and I got it too. I had a breakthrough case too. It was a mild case and it was hard. It was hard. It made me bonkers, right? Yes. And especially, you know, I'm really extroverted and to be stuck inside for 14 days. Yeah. I mean, I just mentally, it was the hardest thing I ever did.

Yeah. But it's hard because you're, you're a clincher, right? You're a grasper. You want to control it through force and anxiety loves that. It just, but it makes the anxiety loop spin faster and faster and faster. And so this is an old, I mean, it's an old meditation practice. The practice you have ahead of you is letting go, not, not pushing through. So I guess my question is, if I don't force myself to touch doorknobs and do things that make me extremely uncomfortable, how do I go about letting go? Oh, I want you, you're going to do that.

You will. Okay. But I want you to do it in a different way. Okay. So here's a couple of things. You've already, you noted it a little bit. Your body will relax when it realizes it is not in danger of germs. It will.

Over time, it will. Your body, so I want you to make peace with your body and don't go to war with it. All your body's trying to do is keep you safe. And it doesn't think. It lived through a pretty traumatic situation as a child. It lived through a really traumatic situation with your partner, like an abusive, addictive relationship. And so your body thinks that you don't know what you're doing,

that you're not a good driver and it's going to drive for you. Okay? So I want you to make peace with your body that's trying to help you out and stop fighting it. PTSD is about trying to continue a war that's already over. Yeah, because I'm just always reliving it.

Yes. So as soon as you can make peace with the fact that the war is over, your body will go back to, it doesn't want to fight. It just feels like it has to. And you, Caitlin, are not taking care of us, and so we're just going to fight for you. And so make peace with your body.

All it's trying to do is keep you safe. And that safety, it's like smoking, right? It feels good at 10, 15 in the morning and you got friends and you got, you know, it helps you feel a little better and it kills you next year. But right now it helps. That's what this is doing, okay?

So two things. Number one, when you come to the door, I want you to come to the door and say, I'm going to practice. That's the magic word, practice, not fight, practice. Okay. All right. And your body will gear up and I want you to go, oh man, thank you for taking care of me. This whole thing is about posture. The behavior is going to be very similar, but it's all about posture. You're trying to take care of me. I appreciate that. I'm going to touch this doorknob

now and we're not going to die. And the whole time I want you breathing this thing. Okay. And then I want you to touch that doorknob or I want you to push the button. Let me ask you really quick though. After I touch the doorknob, do I immediately sanitize my hands, which is my current instinct, or do I also let that go and just be like, we're okay? You're going to practice. And so let's say you touch, I mean, it could be about 50 different things. It could be about the doorknob. So you touch that doorknob, and then you hold it, and then I want you to let go of that doorknob and I want you to feel your hand for the first time. Again, and you've heard me say,

Jocko calls it detachment. If you're a Navy SEAL and Michael Singer, who's like a great guru says, it's mindfulness. I want you to feel your hand and I want you to ask your body, what are you doing right now? Because you're not helping body. Like, what are we doing?

And what you're doing is you're separating yourself from your feelings. And we're so overdriven with our feelings. We feel like we have to respond to them. Our feelings often don't tell us the truth. So we've got to acknowledge them. And then we've got to decide. So you're going to touch that thing and then literally look at your hand and go, okay, body, what are we doing? And when you do that, your body goes, oh, she's driving now, we're good.

And you may say, all right, we're gonna do this for 30 seconds. I'm gonna sit here for 30 seconds and I'm gonna feel like an idiot, but I'm gonna sit here for 30 seconds and then I'm gonna go sanitize my hands. And the practice part is, there's not a failure here.

The practice is, I'm gonna go for 30 seconds. That's it. And you hear my voice like, I'm just gonna be curious about my body. I'm going to go for 30 seconds. That's it. And I'm going to, you hear my voice. Like, I'm just going to be curious about my body. I'm not going to go to war with myself because it's trying to help. And then tomorrow I'm going to try a minute or tomorrow I'm going to go 15 seconds. And then in a week, you're going to be exhausted and probably had too much to drink the night before. And you're going to try it and it's going to be awful. And you're just going to push the button and go through. You didn't fail anything. You're just practicing. I missed the shot. That's all right.

I'll take another shot tomorrow. And you're going to lean into the practice here. What you have to teach your body is no, we are not in control and that's okay. It's okay. We're doing the best we can with the information we got. I got vaccinated. I thought that was the right thing to do. I did it and I still got sick. I got less sick maybe, but I got sick and I'm going to go on to the next thing and your body will learn with you. So this is going to sound bonkers. You're going to take control by letting control go.

Okay. Okay. You are going to teach your body, yes, we are not in control and yes, that's okay. There is five or six things that we can control and I'm going to teach your body, yes, we are not in control, and yes, that's okay. There is five or six things that we can control, and I'm going to triple down on those. I will not hang out with addicts. I will make sure I'm eating right

and taking care of my body and exercising and those things that help with anxiety way upstream. I am going to be disciplined. I am going to read. And when crap happens, I'm going to smile about it and then get on to the next thing. That's what we're working towards.

Okay. Yeah, because those are all the things that I... I know, I know, I know. Have not done. So we're going to go all the way upstream, create a world where anxiety can't exist because your body will know, oh no, she's driving and she's a good driver. She's a great driver. And we're going to create a world where anxiety can't exist because your body will know, oh no, she's driving and she's a good driver. She's a great driver. And we're going to create a world that when it hits,

and I hope you never get rid of anxiety, it's good for you. It lets you know you're not okay, or it signals to you, you need to take a break, or you got to be around people, or you got to get back in the gym, or don't eat a box of Twinkies anymore because it doesn't feel good. It's a good signal for you, but it will begin to ring when it's appropriate, not just all of the freaking time. You are right in the right path. So practice, be curious. And the goal here is really begin to refine what you can control and what you can't. And I'm telling you, I've lived it. Anxiety will dissipate.

It'll show back up when it needs to, but it will dissipate. I think you can get here without medicine. I really do. I really, really do. If you can't, go see your doctor. It's all right. Again, we're practicing. We're leaning into it, and it's going to be all good.

Dude, you're a rock star, Kaylee. I'm glad you're feeling better. Lean into it, man. And your willingness to ask to be brave here is going to help a bunch of people. I'm grateful for you. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. All right, we are back. Let's go out to Philadelphia where I was born and raised. The playgrounds where I spent most of my days. And talk to Lynn. What's up, Lynn? Hello, Dr. John.

How are you? Thank you for taking my call. I'm hanging in there. Hanging in there. Awesome. Hey, you haven't let go yet, so that's fantastic. What's up? How can I help?

That's true. So, my brother is... Hey, hold on. Hold on. Yeah. I'm trying to get better on this show about, um, what's coming and your sigh tells me, I'm just guessing, stone guessing here that you know what I'm going to answer when you ever, you ask whatever it is you're going to ask. Um, no, no, I don't. All right. I'm not there yet.

Okay. I thought I was getting better at this job. I'm clearly not. It's awesome. Okay. So go for it. I would have worked through that and then not called because I would have figured, oh, that's what he's going to say.

So I don't need to call. Okay. Awesome. Okay. Let's do this. All right. So your brother. My brother, he is a long-term alcoholic with anger issues, and he's been that

way for 30 years at least. So my family, myself and my daughters, we're not close to him for obvious reasons, but we're close or social with his wife and their kids, but we never discussed my brother. There was a recent event with him that kind of has blown up into the family with the kids who are in their 20s. Yeah, how old is this guy?

61. Okay, all right. But my sister-in-law doesn't want anyone to know what's going on inside their house. What happened? Well, just, I mean, again, years of just emotional abuse. Well, he was drunk. Something happened. Yeah, so what happened? He was drunk. He fell, injured himself, was hospitalized. My niece was trying, they were trying to use this as an opportunity to not have him come home, but go into rehab or go to the VA. One of my other sisters, he was reaching out to her, not giving her the full story and dragged her into it. And she ended up somehow enabling him to go back into the home. So now my nieces and nephews are furious at my sister

because it kind of screwed up their plans. So everyone's like, it's all awkward. But again, with my sister-in-law not wanting anyone to know, pretending nothing's going on. With the holidays coming up, I'm not sure, you know, do we just all go back to pretending everything's fine? Meanwhile, you know, I heard you describe it in a prior call how the kids are living in this hurricane or tornado. And that's what I feel like for those kids.

Do they still live at home? Yeah, they're all in their young 20s, just in college or finishing up college. So they've lived this forever. Yes, exactly. And nobody, man. Nobody's helping them. Nobody came to their rescue. Nobody rescued these kids. And I'm heartbroken for them. I am too.

And I mean, I always knew he was not pleasant, but I figured it wasn't, I didn't know until now that it was as bad as it's But you knew, so, you knew, I mean, you knew, right? And there's some guilt over, should I have stepped in, should I have said something and all that? I think it's important to own that guilt, okay? Okay. And here's what this, your family system needs in a desperate way is for somebody to start telling the truth because your brother became a secret.

He became a shameful shadow in your family system. And. But how can we do that when his wife doesn't? It's your brother. Well, I mean, frankly, I feel like writing him off. I mean, I'm on her. I'm more worried about her and the kids. And that's how we all kind of feel. Because as I'm hearing, as I'm learning more information from my niece and my kids talking, the things I experienced with him growing up is being repeated, you know, in the house.

Okay. Here's what's happening. I don't say you should. The time for intervention was when these kids were six. They're adults now. They're grownups. And they have to live in a world where I had a raging alcoholic as a dad,

a mom who didn't protect us, a family system that didn't protect us, and now we're grownups. And now we're gonna have to make grownup choices. You've heard me talk about the bricks in the backpack thing. I was at an event a few weeks ago in Florida, and I've never been asked this question. A parent got up and said,

your presentation, I love it. I'm thinking about all the bricks I got to deal with. But more importantly, I realized that I've put bricks in my kid's backpack. How do I help them get theirs out? I've never been asked that question. And here's the hard answer. You can't. That's their journey now. And a parent's goal is to put as few bricks in their kid's

backpack as humanly possible because the world will put plenty in them. They're kids and they'll make dumb decisions and they'll have their own to deal with. They'll be adults and they'll have moments where they don't make great choices or seasons where they make great choices. So they have to deal with their own. But once they're in there, that is their adventure to heal and get that out. A parent can't reach back in there. A parent can make it easier.

They can say, I'm sorry. They can say, I screwed this up. They can help financially. But that's the kid's job. And these kids got it left. And so you, how old are you? 55. Yeah. I mean, you can't get in the middle of somebody else's family system. It's over. The ship sailed. Yeah. What you can do, and I think you feel real guilty and you see it and you're trying to recorrect it. And there's a, not with you, I'm not going to point this at you,

I'm saying your family system has significant immaturity running through it. Y'all acting like kids. Hey, we can trick him into, or we can, okay, now we got an opportunity to, it's like y'all are building a fort out in the woods and we got this stick and we found this board and we got, this is somebody's life. You can't trick somebody into rehab. You've heard me say this, you got to go in there and flip all the lights on,

turn the music on and say, this dance is over. And looking at sweet sister-in-law, I don't care. That's my brother and I love him and I'm going to look him

in the eye and say, I love you enough to say, I'm scared, I don't want you That's my brother, and I love him. And I'm going to look him in the eye and say, I love you enough to say I'm scared. I don't want you to die. And if you want help, I'll walk with you. And that's it. And I know you all don't want to blow up the holidays. The holidays are blown up. Well, yeah, yeah, and we've made our peace with it.

We're blaming it all on COVID. No, it's not. It, it, it, here's, you can only work forward. What's happened has happened. I think it would be helpful for you to write yourself a letter and say the things to yourself. Here's what I should have done, and I didn't. Here's what I wish I had done,

and I didn't. Here's how I experienced that guy when I was a kid, and I was scared of him. Still am scared of him. And I'm trying to help him peripherally, but he's just a nuclear reactor, and I'm scared of him. And here's what mom and dad contributed

to that, and here's what mom and dad contributed to that. And here's where we are now. Because everybody's trying to do everything at once and it's just all weird and childish and what about that? Somebody's got to be an adult. And you can't go fix his 20-year-old kids. You can tell them. You can take them out for lunch and say,

I should have stepped in as Aunt Lynn, and I didn't, and I'm sorry. I know what y'all went through. And if you need anything from this point forward, I'm here for you. Okay, I can do that. With my sister-in-law. I mean, I guess I'm worried then if bringing it out into the open, then she cuts off contact with me. She's a grown-up.

Here's the question you've got to ask yourself. Am I going to be okay at his funeral in 18 months? Because he's doing he's on what I call a long tail suicide. Yeah. He's checked out. He's not, he's not pulling a trigger today, but he is doing the best he can to drown himself slowly and it will escalate. He's 61. So that ball will get, it's going to start rolling downhill real fast and he'll end up with some sort of heart disease or cancer

or some sort of thing that pops up or he'll slip and fall and break a hip. Whatever's happening, it's going to start happening with increasing speed. Yeah. And so I want you to imagine yourself at your funeral, at his funeral, standing next to your sister-in-law and going,

good thing we didn't say anything. I feel good about that. Good call. That's a good point. and going, good thing we didn't say anything. I feel good about that. Good call. And if that's the right choice for you, rock on to the break of dawn. I have made it my life's mission to have no unspoken conversations. And there are four or five throughout my life

that I can't do over again, and it kills me. But my family will know if I think they're going to kill themselves, they're going to know they're going to have to go through me first. They're going to at least have heard what I have to say about it. They're going to know that I love them, and they're going to know that if they need something, I'll do the best I can to help.

And then if he wants to keep on drinking and being angry and being full of rage and whatever, he can do that. He's a 61-year-old man. And if those 20-year-old kids want to keep living in that toxic sewage, they're 20-year-old kids. I mean, they're in their young 20s. They can do what they want. If they're going to take his money for tuition

and deal with the abuse and the beatings and watch their mother just get stepped on, that's their choice just get stepped on. That's their choice. They're adults. I think it's a terrible choice. I tell them to keep shoving money. I'm going to be on my own.

I'm going to go get help. I'm going to live healthy. I'm going to stop this nonsense. But that's their choice. And I can't say that when I was in my 20s, I would have made a different choice. I'm just old man now. But you can't say that when I was in my 20s, I would have made a different choice. I'm just old man now. But you can't trip somebody and kind of nudge them into rehab,

and you can't use this as an excuse to do a thing so you can do it. Somebody's got to quit being immature and say this is what this is going to be. And everybody, Lynn, you included, have to start living for today and tomorrow and not trying to, I don't know, this is the past. What are we going to do today?

How are we going to solve this today? If it's my brother, I'll tell my sister-in-law, I love you. I'm not content to sit on the sidelines until my brother dies and he drags his entire family down with him. I'm not, so I'm going to say what I'm going to say. I'm his sister and I get to do that. And then after that,

then she gets to make her grown-up decision if she wants to take her ball and go home. Well, God bless her. Hope she doesn't. Hope she says, finally, somebody reached out. It probably won't happen. Just picture yourself at his funeral. What are you going to say to your wife then?

How hard will that conversation be? Be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control,

like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey-trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their Home Buyer Edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill-certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days.

Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash D'Loni and get the home buyer edge today. Hola, we got Una Mas. Let's go to Will and Casey. What's up, Will? How are we doing, man? I'm good. How are you doing? Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. I was going to say awesome possum, but that just feels weird. I don't want to rhyme. It's not where I'm from. You got possums everywhere?

Yeah, we got a lot of possums. They are not awesome. No, they're not. They're pretty gross. They're disgusting. Yeah, they're like gigantic rats that their faces are. They just look angry all the time. Anyway, I don't want to get a mean letter from the possum lobby, so we can move on. What's up, dude?

I think possums are beautiful. I love possums. I've known a few people like that, and I don't understand. They're everywhere, Will. Possum people are everywhere. They interrupt you while you're deer hunting. You know, that's always it. I know.

And then you have that weird choice. You're like, do I? I don't blow the whole thing. Anyway. Gotcha. Armadillos, an abomination. They're evil. They're the worst. They're like the evil child offspring of a pig.

They're the worst. I agree. It's like if a pig and a rhinoceros had a child and then it just... honey, I shrunk the kids four, and it just got small, and then it just destroys everything. Oh, they're the worst. Okay, what's up? Sorry. It's all good.

I agree. So my question is, how do I fight better with my wife? I'm looking for all of the punches and pulls and how to win. No, I'm just kidding. But really, my wife and I went to a marriage conference with Dr. Les and Leslie Parrott. And, you know, the thing that I took away from that was that my wife and I are different fighting styles. So if that makes sense fighting types so I or my wife is high expressive and low flexible and I'm the opposite I am high flexible and I am a

low expressive oh sweet so when you get a fight and she she flips the lights on and is hollering and screaming and you shut down, she views your shutdown as you don't love me. You don't love what we're talking about. And when she sets off, you feel like, whoa. Yeah. Yeah, pretty close to that. That sounds great. Awesome.

So why do y'all – Les is a good friend of mine. I love Les and Leslie. They're awesome. Yeah. Why do y'all, Les is a good friend of mine. I love Les and Leslie. They're awesome. Yeah. I, why do you fight? Um, you want like a,

like examples of fights or? Yeah. What's your last fight? What was it about? Um, last fight was on, uh, communication.

Um, that seems like a great thing to fight over. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That and then, yeah, my family was another fight we had. So what's a fight look like? So typically it's, I mean, I'll throw her under the bus. She usually is the one that starts them because, yeah, I mean, she's a flip on the lights or she's offended by something. And, you know, she's ready to go.

She's ready to brawl. And so. I mean, when you say she's ready to brawl, does she hit you? No, no. I'm sorry. I should have made that more clear. No, she doesn't hit me. Does she get loud?

What is that? what do you mean? Like, what is a fight? So, yeah, when we get into a fight, she gets, you know, she's high expressive, so she gets very emotional. She does yell sometimes. She's gotten better. You know, it kind of comes and goes in waves. You know, sometimes she does pretty good Sometimes she gets mad and upset

And so she'll yell I want to back up real quick When you get in a fight You get emotional too And we often blame women For being over emotional Because they get loud Or they may wave their arms

The men I know get hyper emotional too they just turn it into a nuclear reactor they internalize it and then they weaponize silence and they weaponize or they get rage that trapped anger right and so I think everybody in a fight gets emotional

one just may look different and then I know other idiotic men who get over emotional and they just scream and yell and act like they're four-year-old morons. So just to kind of get right to the heart of it. Yes. Fighting's about ego. And most marriage fights are not about the thing we're fighting about.

They're proxy wars. And my experience with people who are, what did you call them? High expressive? Yeah. Is they are trying to drag feelings out of their partner. Okay. Please just show me you care. Please, please tell me that you hear me on 20 different things. We just happened to land on this one. And other folks who are more, your emotion goes inner. It's the duck under the water, like the feet are kicking under the water,

but I'm holding it down and I kind of laser everything down, like that intensity, like the Death Star Ray. It really, all these lasers come together and I'm going to shoot one laser and it's going to nuke everything, but I'm only going to shoot one. And then I'm going to look like I'm the one in control. That person just wants, can we just level out here? And so when anybody's going to fight, I know the cool thing is like we fight well and fight good i'm gonna tell you man i think by and large fighting is stupid yeah and where i landed on that was i if you and your wife fight and she wins you both lose yeah you both lose. Yeah. You both lose. If you win

a fight and halfway through she realizes she's being histrionic and she's all over the place then she feels ashamed and then she gets mad that you made her feel ashamed and I wish I could just respond like you do and how do you stay cool? Everybody loses. And so

when somebody asks me how do I fight well my first answer is don't fight. Don't fight. The second thing is, and I know you're like, alright dude, you don't know my wife. You don't know what I'm dealing with. Real cool, man.

So here's the big takeaway. Fight the problem, not each other. And so if you can, so here's a, here's a fun way to do it. So one of the things like I'm a huge, huge, huge, huge obsessive fight fan. Like that's my, that's my soap opera drama. Who's fighting who, who's the rumors about fights, who's their new coaches, their workout programs. It's embarrassing, okay?

Yeah. I'm like a child in baseball cards when it comes to fighting. I don't ever, ever watch the news. I go through my MMA websites every day. Who's fighting who and who said what about who's who? Like that's just my little drama for the day. And one of the things I love about fighting is in a bar, somebody bumps you, you get mad at them,

and you all just like a fight happens right there. It's never about that bump. It's about somebody's exhausted. They've had too much to drink. They're just trying to let off some steam. This guy's mom is not doing well. And then it all erupts here. What I love about professional fighting is two grownups say, I'll fight you for the right dollar amount. And then we're going to

plan on it six months from now. And every day I'm going to go to the gym and I'm going to do what I can to fight you. The whole thing is preposterous. I love it. And then we work really hard and we train and we watch film and we, we plan. But if you notice in a bar fight, one guy goes to jail, one guy's like, and then they look each other up on social media and they continue to talk crap. And then their girlfriend's getting a fight, whatever. At the end of a UFC fight, they hug. Yeah. Because it was never about that guy. It was always about the fight was the issue. Yeah. Okay? And so what I would love to see in your home when your family's coming over and you forgot to tell your wife they're going to come at two instead of five.

Yeah. And she's like, you always, and it just sets off. Yep. I would love it to go, okay, let's let the issue be the war here, not me. Can we prepare for this fight? You can't do it in a fight, and that's where most people fail.

It's where less is awesome. Most people wait till the fight to try to set up the rules for the fight. Once a fight's set off in a bar, dude, there is no rules. I'm throwing chairs. We're hitting each other with bottles. awesome. Most people wait till the fight to try to set up the rules for the fight. Once a fight's set off in a bar, dude, there is no rules. I'm throwing chairs. We're hitting each other with bottles. The fight is set off. The UFC's cool because everybody knows the rules.

Gotcha. You can't kick somebody in the face when they're laying on the ground. There's all the rules. You set those up way ahead of time because you put two trained fighters in a ring and they're going to go for it. They have to practice upstream. Okay.

Okay. So I want you and your wife to set our new family ground rules for fighting. Okay. Anybody can tap out and say, we're going to do this later. Anybody, and I'm kind of making this up on fly here. It's kind of fun for me. Anybody can tap out. Here's the rules for the fight.

If somebody groin shot, then I get five minutes of a break because that's a real thing in the UFC. If you kick somebody in the wedding tackle, they get five minutes. Take a break, right? So if somebody screams too loud or you say you're getting emotional, dude, that just sets it off. Everybody gets five minutes, okay? Okay.

But it's getting out and setting up the rules to the fight before you get in there. And then really, dude, I know all of the, I'm this kind of fighter, I'm that kind of fighter. Mm-hmm. I get that as a context. Yeah. I don't buy that as a way of life. Yeah. Okay.

I get that as recognizing my default setting. This is where I need to start from it's not an excuse to have silent rage it is not an excuse to throw bottles and vases in my house so as somebody who's married to somebody who's an expressive fighter

who is passionate about your relationship what what I'm saying does it sound bonkers or is your eyes just rolling in the back of your head like, oh, this dude doesn't know. What an idiot.

No, no, no. It all sounds really good. Yeah, I'm just trying to, yeah, just know what I can do better for sure. And I agree. I mean, setting up a plan that way we know how it goes

would really help. I do think there's moments for intense passion. I love it. But I always want it to be about the thing we're trying to solve, not about winning each other, winning over each other. Yeah. Everybody listening to this, a one or a loss in a marriage relationship, everybody loses.

And it's where, I'm going to, we always eat at your restaurant. I'm going to my restaurant and I'm getting my burger and fry. Everybody loses. Everybody loses. Why? Over a burger?

Seriously, have enchiladas, dude. Chill out. Just stay at home and have a protein shake. I don't care. Everybody loses. Or something big,

like I want that house. Well, I want that house. And then we're going to go to war, and then somebody gets their house, everybody loses. And so I want the ground rules set up, and then I want it to be like why am I so passionate about this? Why am I so passionate about that? Can we find a place where we come together in the middle here? And can we find that you and I will not fight with each other? We will get really hyper and passionate about the issue.

And we're going to sit on the same side of the table when we fight. And we're going to put the issue on a note card in the middle of the table. And we've already talked about the rules. So this is the fight. And I'm going to tell you, you do this much prep, fighting goes away. It's just trivial. It's dumb. It's just trivial. It's dumb. It's just dumb.

And in my house now, when I start getting my pouty, my wife will say, I'm not fighting you or I'm not doing this. It's like, oh, well, that's kind of dumb then. I guess I'll just start talking. It's nonsensical. It's just like you get home and your kids are all hiding because they're playing hide and seek and you just turn all the lights on. You're like, I'm not playing hide and

seek. I'm just going to the kitchen. And all the kids are like, oh, that's lame. It's like that. I just don't think everybody's got to fight. I think fighting should be reserved for really important quiet moments. She comes home and she says, I've cheated on you. You sit down and say, hey, I've got $80,000 in credit card debt that I didn't tell you about. She says, hey, I just quit my job. I mean, there are moments for fights. They're important. That's why the ground rules set up way in advance

are so important. That's why a commitment to let's make the issue the issue, not me defeating you. Great call, Will. I'm grateful for you, brother. All right, let's wrap the issue the issue, not me defeating you. Great call, Will. Grateful for you, brother. All right, let's wrap up today's show. During the break, James brought in the song of the day, so I'm flipping it over here. Flipping it over here. Good, James. I see this one. Oh, even better. Here we go. A little bit on the nose. No pun intended.

Song is by Eric Clapton, and it's called Cocaine. There were a wealth of songs about cocaine, by the way. That one was the most. There are. Gold Dust Woman by Fleetwood Mac. Life in the Fast Lane by the Eagles. Good job. I'm going to go with Eric Clapton's Cocaine And it goes like this

If you wanna hang out You've gotta take her out Cocaine You wanna get down, down on the ground Cocaine She don't lie, she don't lie She don't lie Cocaine

If you got bad news, you wanna kick the blues Cocaine When your day is done and you wanna ride on Cocaine If you wanna do an IG Live with your wife To celebrate her book on prayers You want to kick the blues, cocaine, when your day is done and you want to ride on, cocaine. If you want to do an IG Live with your wife to celebrate her book on prayers, not cocaine. Not cocaine. See you soon on the Dr. John Deloney Show.