The Dr. John Delony Show - How Can We Create a Phenomenal Sex Life?

Episode Date: September 30, 2022

Today, we’re talking with: - A woman desiring a better sex life with her sexually traumatized husband (1:00) - A wife wondering if the feelings she has toward her husband in rehab are normal (27:56) - A single father whose tween is pulling away from him (38:31) Lyrics of the Day: "Let's Talk About Sex" - Salt -N- Pepa Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. My husband says he has no sexual desire. However, as time goes on, I think he really does. Sex has always just meant abuse and hate. I need that physical connection with him. This is the only piece of our marriage that needs help. It's a big piece. Yo, yo, yo, what up?

This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you're with us. Greatest show ever, ever. Talking about mental health, relationships, what's going on in your sex life, what's going on in your parenting. Oh, we're talking about everything. What's going on in your kids' schools.

You name it, give me a buzz and we'll figure it out together. If you want to be on the show, give me a shout. 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Let's go to Shay in Pittsburgh. What's up, Shay? Hi, Dr. John. Right off the bat, please know I'm a super nerd and I've condensed this complicated issue into several grouped bullet points that I'm going to try to get through as quickly as possible because I'd really rather hear your

voice. Well, thank you for being a super nerd in our super nerd gang. That's super cool. Well, your latest book is life-changing, and every night I ask one question to my daughter from your human teen cards and have some amazing conversations. I'm going to jump into my question right now. All right, let's do it. Because I know compliments make you awkward. Everything makes me awkward, Shay. Everything.

All right, let's do it. How can my husband and I start working towards having a crazy, fabulous sex life when we're both prisoners of our own mind and past and currently only engage in obligatory sex once every few months? And, okay, so here come my detail bullets. All right, let's do it. My husband and his siblings were horrifically, physically, and sexually abused by a monster who was also his biological father. My husband says he has no sexual desire. However, as time goes on, I think he really does. It's just he's never been in love before.

He's never had a loving relationship, and sex has always just meant abuse and hate. Oddly enough, the more we talk about this, the more uncomfortable I feel initiating because I'm learning more and more how uncomfortable he is with sex. And selfishly, I hate to initiate because it makes me feel ugly and like a big old man. And no matter how many times my husband reassures me, he loves me and finds me attractive. It's just his actions are speaking louder than his words. Now, Jenna says, I have to include these historical bullets. I'm sorry. I'm going as fast as I can. No, you, hey, hold on one second. Take a big, deep breath.

Okay. I'm trying to read these like a secretary, like it's not my own issue, so I don't freak out. No, I know. I know you are doing, you're very courageous. And I can hear you hanging in there. And so thank you. Thank you. Take your time. Take your time. I'm in no rush.

I don't have anything else going on today. I'm just a dumb old YouTuber, so I'm good. Well, my husband and I, we met in kindergarten. We're friends forever. Lost touch. We reconnected 30 years later. We married and moved in together six years ago after we had both gone through a divorce. We both had three children and we each had one minor child still left at home. We each had one daughter, both the same age.

For four years, for the first four years of our marriage, he would live with us for 10 days and then travel five hours up north to stay four days with his minor daughter for his visitation. Two years ago, his teenage daughter started going off the rails and we had to have a come to Jesus moment. I don't know if I can say that, but we had to have a very difficult talk and we made the decision that he needed to move back up north until both of our girls graduate, which is, thank God, only 279 days from today. Not that you're counting, right? Right. The past two years, we only see each other two, sometimes four to five days every month. You had a very similar call a while ago with a man, the roles were reversed and you recommended him read the book, Come As You Are. By the way,

can't ever get that book cover image out of my head. Thanks for that. I started reading it, but Dr. John, I had to stop because it just seemed so focused on the female who was having trouble with sex. And I just found it very hard to translate because there just seems to be something uniquely cruel about the female in the relationship, not getting any, that I could talk forever about that. Okay. So how do we start having- Let me catch you there. That book is written to women about women. And so I actually take that book out of context and I recommend men read it. And so, yes, you're – like it's overwhelmingly female because it's – Dr. Nagoski wrote it to women, right?

It's a letter to women. I have just found it super helpful for entertaining the conversation. Yeah, anyway, it's mind-broadening for men and women. But I do get your point. But that was actually the point of it. Okay, go ahead. Yeah, and so that's it. This is the first time I'm telling anybody this other than my husband.

And so I figured I'd start by telling Dr. John, Jenna, Kelly, and your mom. And so how do we start having a crazy, awesome sex life? And of course, I mean, my husband and me. And yes, please be as direct and honest with me as you can hit me where it hurts. No, no, no. There's nothing to hurt here. I'm heartbroken here with you. You told me a lot about your husband. You told me a lot about with you. You told me a lot about your husband. You told me a lot about his past. You told me a lot about his daughter. You told me a lot about some hard decisions you all had to make in your marriage,

which is going to be better generationally and long-term and all that. You've never told me what you want. What do you need? What do you feel? What's going on with you? And hey, you've never said these words out loud before. And you are someone who loves your husband

and probably have taken on partly a maternal role for him because you want to protect him from getting hurt again like his evil father did. And when you think, I really want this, or if y'all are about to have sex, and even if it's just like, y'all are about to have sex and it's just get off sex, right? It's just married couple, let's just do this sex. And he quits, like you get angry and then you feel guilty for getting angry or you get frustrated and you get angry for getting frustrated, right? So for the first time, what do you actually need? What do you want?

I need that physical connection with him. It's like our marriage just is so, he is the perfect man for me and I am the perfect woman for him. This is, and I'm a bit of a perfectionist and this is the only piece of our marriage that needs help. But it's, it's, it's a big piece. It is. And now it's getting to the point, you know, when I know he's coming home or when I go up there, it's awesome. And I'm so excited but it's getting to the point now where so stressful like okay am am I good now he when I initiate he never stops me and you know

things are mechanical whatever and I just I want him to come on to me. Right, right. Like when I'm, I've actually cut myself off kind of socially from two of my girlfriends I have, both who used to be close with me because we used to talk about, you know, women say things to each other like, oh, your hubby's coming into town. I'm so excited. You're going to get lucky. And, uh, you know, and then they complain about their marriages and how

annoying it is that their husbands are constantly coming on to them, and I just want to punch them in the face, and I don't. Okay, so let me back all the way out here. When y'all first got married, was it hot and heavy, or has it always been stilted and awkward? It seemed to be hot and heavy in the beginning. Okay. And then as we started learning more about each other and he started opening up more, I started becoming more worried. There you go. Because I kept learning. Okay, so let me stop you right there, okay? You said earlier on that he maybe had never been in love before and he's absolutely been

in love before he's probably had very few moments in his life when his body felt truly safe yes and he has a radar system on his body for a lack of safety or for tension or for not with me or for using me that you and I could never understand. It is a fine-tuned NASA-built radar system. And so he finds you and he's perfect for you and you're perfect for him. And then he starts opening up and his body says, I'm safe with this one. It's never been safe and it's safe with this one. And the more you learn, the more your body starts feeling awkward or a little bit weird. Or maybe just absolutely, and I know we're not allowed to say this out loud, absolutely revolted disgusting. You know what I mean?

And it's hard. And then all of a sudden, like, your sexual desire gets tangled up in his abuse. The whole thing just gets to be a mess. And then you stop talking a little bit or your body gets a little bit tense when he reaches over, right? And so it's just, it's by degrees. And then we land here. What you've done with your girlfriends, I would tell you is 100% exact opposite.

You know what both of you are right now? Dreadfully lonely. Dreadfully lonely. And that isolation begets isolation. And when you get isolated, your brain goes back to the old mechanisms that keep it safe. And for your husband,

that is get away from me. And for you, it's whatever it happens to be. If you feel so unattractive and so sexy coming on to him, that also has ramifications about how he makes you feel. You see what I'm saying? You just get into this weird dance and now we're off to the races. And you're both racing on different tracks and you end up way far away.

Okay. When's the last time y'all sat down and exhaled and said, okay, we had a plan. We had a two-year plan. We've done it for a year and a quarter, and I don't know if we're going to make the rest of the plan. Can we alternate? Can we change something up? Can we reconsider? Can we fill in the blank? When's the last time y'all sat down and said, I miss you. I miss your body on my body. I miss being with you. When's the last time y'all have had that conversation? Within the week.

I mean, we have those conversations regularly. Okay. And what is his response? He agrees. I mean, we both feel... What's more important than our relationship is that both of our daughters who are both seniors in high school, their lives don't get disrupted. Disagree. Totally disagree. You know why? Because their lives are completely disregarded. I mean, disrupted because their parents are an anxious wreck right now.

Never looked at it that way, people. They are absorbing both of y'all's tension and both of your loneliness, which turns into, for many parents, turns into neediness and your kids find themselves propping you guys up, which they can't do. And that turns into them saying stupid stuff like, I hate you or get away from me. I don't want to talk to you, which they really

do, but their bodies are saying, I can't carry this adult. They're disrupted. They're disrupted. They're disrupted. And so that ship has left the harbor. The question is, what can you provide them? The greatest gift you can give those two girls is a picture of what a healthy marriage looks like.

And I'm not saying you have to live together. You're already in this thing. You're 200 days away, right? It's almost to the end here. Right. But four or five days out of a month isn't cutting it. It's just not working. And on top of it,

I'm gonna say something that I'm not certain of, okay? But I wonder after a marriage, three kids, a whole, I wonder how much you are struggling with his childhood sexual abuse more than him. Yeah, I think this is old news for him. Yeah, it happened. And it's something that I've just started struggling with. Yes. You're exactly right. Why are you struggling with it?

Okay, this is why. I just realized it. When we have time together and he reaches over for me, all that goes through my head is, he's only doing this because he knows I need it. That's bull crap, Shane. You know it, though. He's not doing it because he wants me.

Why do you tell, this has nothing to do with this child abuse. This has to do with you. Where did that story come from, that you're not beautiful, that when you come on to your husband and you just want to ravage out, that you're a man and you're gross?

Where does that story come from? Probably. No, hold on. Don't probably. You know exactly where it comes from, Shay. You know exactly where it comes from. Okay. Well, I don't know if this is the right answer.

There's no wrong answer, but you know where it comes from. I had a great childhood. I was an only child for the majority of my life. But looking back after I read your book, looking back on the reality, I was one of these people like, I had the perfect life. I had the perfect life. And looking back, I was like, wait a minute. I've never had a mother. For the first 13 years of my life, my life, I always had to be the mother to

my mom. My mom was very driven by her appearance and her sex drive. Everything was about her appearance. She got a facelift at the age of 40. She left my father and I when I was 13 to move across the country with my dad's best friend and just abandoned us. So listen, do you hear that? Do you hear it though? How that got turned into I had a great childhood is madness. It's madness. It's the stories we tell, right? It's how we get through the day. It's all good. But here's the deal. You've been carrying other adults your entire life. You've been somebody's mom since the day you were born. And when it comes to sex, you just want to be able to let go. and so you can blame him his father the evils of sexual abuse which will rear

its ugly head throughout your relationship there's no question about that but you have to take ownership of the story that when he reaches for you it's not really it's it's it's perfunctory it's a it's a. It's not because he's all about you. Because you're not all about you. And that's why you can't get through Emily's book. Because that book tells women to celebrate their bodies. And how their bodies actually work. And what sex in a rambunctious marriage can actually be like. And you don't believe it. Am I right?

Yeah, because you're right. Cause I kind of got mad at the book. Yes, because that book, oh man. It's not just because of the zipper vagina. Yeah. It's a terrible, yeah, I would not have done that. I don't know, Emily, I've never met her. I've never talked to her in my life. I would be like, I see what you did there, right? Yes, but listen, that's why you didn't like the book

because the book called you out. You are lonely as bloody hell, sister. And you are craving touch. And that is butting up against a little girl who has been told since you were zero that you are not beautiful, you are not enough, and God help me if I turn into my mom. Exactly.

And you don't deserve that, and your husband doesn't deserve that. And by the way, your daughter doesn't deserve that either. Is it possible that in an effort to not be like your mom, you turn the whole faucet off? And you're dying of thirst? Yeah, I mean, I want to. Okay, so here, I'm going to run through a couple of things here.

Jenna had let me know. She gave me a couple of sentences about this call before. I made a couple of notes here. It's gone a different direction than I thought it was. Here's a couple of things I'm going to give you. Just tactically. Is that cool? Yes, please.

First thing here is both of you are going to have to practice not disconnecting during sex. When I say disconnecting, your head starts going, he doesn't even want to be doing this. He doesn't even like this. I'm gross. I need to turn this way so he can't see me in this particular light. You got to stop that. You're going to have to quit, right? Yes.

Okay. And he's going to have to practice when the shame demons come. And I've never been sexually abused by my father, right? But those men I've talked to, it sounds like the shame shadow is concrete. It's so heavy, right? That blanket of shame. He's going to have to practice not disconnecting, which also means both of you are going to find yourselves in the middle of sex and one of you is going to tap out and say, I got to stop. And then you're going to have to figure out what to do with that extra energy. And here's an idea. Well, I got to be careful how I say this. It may be, well, let's see here,

that you come up with alternative ways to dispel the energy in their presence. Is that fair? And that gives somebody an opportunity to be in the sexual energy presence of their spouse and not feel like they have to participate and their body's taken over for them. What I'm saying is you're going to have to practice

putting yourselves in awkward situations, and you're going to have to keep going. And when your body starts to feel ugly, you're going to have to challenge that story. That's the only way through it. You cannot think your way through this. I already know that. Does that sound scary? It should sound scary. It doesn't sound scary, but it brings up this question.

Okay, what is the question? I have this, I don't know specific details of his abuse. And this just sounds so dumb when I'm saying it out loud, but I'm going to say it anyway. I have this, I feel like I need to know the details of his abuse so that I can avoid those things. But I feel like because I don't know the details. Don't take that from him. And what does that mean? Don't take that. Like, just let him deal with that. And what does that mean? Don't take that. Like, just let him deal with that.

Is that what you mean? Like, I shouldn't even be thinking about that. He needs to tell you his needs. Do you think about his ex-wife when you're having sex with him? No. Then why would you think about his childhood? That's your hangup. And he doesn't need you to protect him.

You're not his mom. You've been your mom's mom. You've been your dad's mom. You're not his mom. You're his wife. And it may be a conversation about safety where you are honest with him and you say, I realize I have more hangups than you and I'm sorry.

I've made your story my story and it's not fair. And I need you to tell me that if you're ever uncomfortable, you will say you're uncomfortable because you feel it when he's uncomfortable and or you perceive it that he's uncomfortable and then that sends you off spinning and you don't come back for days. And since y'all can't see each other and you don't bump into each other and you don't hug each other and accidentally get junk on each other when you're brushing teeth or whatever, since you don't have those moments,

it's just you alone making up stories. Is that fair? Yes. And so, hey, you'll let me know. If I ever cross a line and you feel like your child self that comes out to protect you during sex comes back, you'll let me know. And he'll probably look at you and say, yes, I'll let you know. Now take your clothes off.

That's probably what I was going to say, right? That is so freeing. You're not his mom. You can't control it. You can't control it. He's got to be a grown-up and tell you, I need to stop. And then you've got to have a plan for, okay, he told me to stop. It's not because I'm ugly. It's not because

I'm a man. It's because his body's getting a little bit overwhelmed. So I'm going to take care of business right here. And we've already talked about this. Is that fair? Yeah. Would it be fair for, now I'm a very structured spreadsheet-oriented dork. And I live and die by spreadsheets.

And, but would it be fair or ridiculous for us to together establish rules? Like every time we're together, we should. There's, there's a, that's, that's practice, right? A good coach has practice outlined for, for, before they go to practice. You can't just have a coach be like, oh, let's do shooting drills. Let's do free throw. You can't do that. The practice is working towards an end goal, right?

That's why you have agendas before meetings. I will also tell you, you've got to make space inside. You can't have reckless and free and wild sex with your husband if it all comes out of a spreadsheet. I know. Right?

And so, but you can have it in a spreadsheet. We are going to practice intimacy on these days. And I do have couples push back. They're like, man, if I start having to put sex on the calendar, it's not good anymore. That's stupid. That's Hollywood bullcrap. It's great. It's just different.

And if you don't schedule it, it doesn't happen. Go ahead. Yeah, when we lived together, we had that rule. Like once every week, we each had to initiate once. And honestly, that was the best time of our marriage was that. Yes. Okay, here, I'm going to give you, you may have heard this on the show, I think, or maybe I did at a live event. I was kind of kidding. Not really. I wasn't kidding, but it's not a product that exists. Okay. Here's my recommendation to you.

I'm going to teach you the secrets of the John Deloney erotic envelope system. It doesn't really exist, but that's just what I call it. I want you to go to Walgreens and get five, 10 envelopes. It's going to cost you a grand total of 11 cents or something like that. I want you to give your husband five of these, give your husband 10 of these, and you take five and you take 10. And inside of them, I want you to take a scrap of paper and write down whatever you think, whatever you want. We're going to do this. We're going to try that. We're going to try this. And the commitment both of you have is we're going to randomly draw one. We're going to do this. We're going to try that. We're going to try this. And the commitment both of you have is we're going to randomly draw one. We're going to pull it out of the drawer once a week, once a month, once every other day. I don't care. Do it as much

as you want. And we commit to doing whatever's on that card. And sometimes it's like French kissing. What in the world? That's it. That's what we're doing. We're going to hold hands and French kiss. You know what we're going to do? We're going to sit on the front porch and just hug. And he can get all bent out of shape. That's what was on the card. And then there may be another card where you're like,

I don't know how that's physically possible. But we're willing to either A, go for it, or B, we're going to talk about it. And I've heard from couples all over, often the talking about it, the curiosity, not the, oh, gross, I'm not doing that. It's, okay, tell me about this. What is it about this that makes you be like, I want to try that? Or this sounds like it would be awesome. Any number, and be willing to give that a whirl. And now it's got structure. Now it's from the envelope. It's not this awkward. The awkwardness gets channeled into this third neutral object, right? Not us.

And it gives us a way to practice, gives us ways to enter into this uncomfortable space. But back it all the way out. Okay, let's wrap up this call, Shay. Number one, this distance is killing you. Y'all got to figure something else out. Whether you got to just keep driving a crummy car and fly on a weekend for rendezvous,

y'all got to meet halfway. I don't care what it is. Y'all got to figure out something with this time. The second thing is wrecking your marriage or starving your marriage is not helping your daughters. It's just not, okay? It's not, it's not, it's not. I don't know what it looks like for y'all individually.

We'd have to have a bunch more sessions together to figure that out, but it's not, it's not, it's not. I don't know what it looks like for y'all individually. We'd have to have a bunch more sessions together to figure that out, but it's not, that's not helping it. The third thing is, you may have more hang up with his sexual past than he does, his abuse, his whatever. So you make a commitment. I'm not gonna disconnect during sex

and ask him, make the commitment to not disconnect. And if you got to, we got to talk about it. The fourth thing is practice the recklessness. Practice the laughter. Practice the, all right, let's give this a whirl. And there's going to be disaster. When you practice, you miss shots, a lot of them, right? You throw a pass and it goes off the wall or into the stands.

That's called practice. And know that while we're practicing, it's not going to be because I'm an idiot or I'm unattractive, I'm not beautiful, et cetera. And my sister, Shay, I love you and I'm so proud of you and you're being brave and courageous. Thank you for telling your story. It's time for you to stop being everybody's mom.

And I think you would be well-served to go sit with a counselor and say, I need to learn to love myself because I'm worth being loved. You're worth being loved, Shay. Thank you so, so much. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change,

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will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash Diloni and get the homebuyer edge today. All right, we're back. Let's go to Renee in Knoxville, Tennessee.

What's up, Renee? Hi. What's up? Nothing much. How are you? Pretty good, pretty good. What's happening? How can I help?

I'm having a problem. My husband, he's in rehab. He's an alcoholic. I'm so happy he's in rehab. He's an alcoholic. I'm so happy he's in rehab. But I have times where I am just so depressed, not because he's in... I love that he's in rehab and I love that he is trying. I'm so proud of him, but I get into where I'm just, I don't know what to do to get out of the depression. Can I ask you a hard question?

Yes. Are you mad at him too? With what we've went through, yes. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. Are you mad at him too? Let me say this. It's a trick question. I know you are.

Just say it out loud. Yeah. Yeah. Are you frustrated and sad? Yes. Are you brokenhearted? Yes. Did you have this awesome picture of the way your life was going to be at your age

and it looks nothing like it and you're sitting alone while your husband's in rehab yes all of those things get pushed lower and lower and lower some would call them getting compressed another word for compress is to depress and if you're not honest about what your body is feeling, your body will hide it, but they'll still be there, and they will poison every part of your spirit and every part of your life. You got to be honest about them. Well, I didn't feel it until after the rehab wanted me to write this letter about what we went through. And before I did that,

I went through some soul-searching myself while he's in rehab, and I felt like I was doing good. I was like, okay, I've gotten through this. And then they told me to write the letter. And since then, it's been like I'm constantly thinking about everything we went through again. That's right. And let me tell you this.

The alcoholism is a context, not an excuse. Yes. He shouldn't have cheated on you. He shouldn't have cussed at you. He shouldn't have swung at you. And I'm just making things up. He may have done none of those things. But all those things that happened should not have happened. They were still abused. They were still wrong. They were still painful and still hurtful. And it can be both.

And you can be enraged at a man you love treated you like that. And you can be heartbroken that he's sick and you can be disgusted and thinking about not wanting to be married to him anymore and be really at peace that he's in rehab. The depression, the exhaustion you feel, that existence like the, I don't even want to, I don't want to eat. I don't want to get up.

It's your body trying to force you to live in one of those extremes without accepting the tension that is and you're trying to think your way into peace and you can't you gotta act that's why them asking you to do something like write a letter was so good and I would ask you to write

another one and another one after that because it's gonna it's like man when you pull that bandage off and rip the scab off, that sucker is infected and it's going to bleed and bleed and bleed and you got to let it go. Mm-hmm. But that's scary for you. Why is that scary?

Because I've always been the one who had to keep control of my emotions. Because even when my parents passed away, I had to keep the smile on my face for my kids. No, you didn't. No, you didn't.

You chose to. That was a choice. You didn't have to. It's just the way I felt. Because if I thought if they saw me upset, then it would upset them. That's right. And you know, I'm not trying to shame you.

The greatest gift you could give your kids is to show them that you're upset. It's the greatest gift you can give your children other than a great marriage. And here's why. Because when your parents died, they got really, really sad. Yes.

And they looked at mom who was still smiling and they go on to think they're crazy. But when mom says, I'm so sad, I'm crying my eyes out by myself. Will y'all come sit with me? Because I miss my mommy and I miss my dad. It makes your kids feel not nuts. It makes them feel whole.

Okay. See what I'm saying? If your husband's off at rehab and you're just being a good old Southern Knoxville mama and you are cleaning things up and making sure everything's not dusty, they're going to think that their parent is an animatron, is a robot. And they're going to feel insane.

And in many ways you feel that way too, don't you? Yes, because I can be happy one minute and then the next I'm just wanting to fall apart and scream. In counseling, we call it leakage. And I know it's a terrible way to say it. You can deal with those emotions or they will deal with you. And they usually will deal with you at a real inopportune time. When your margin is the thinnest, when you're about to give a big presentation at work,

when you're about to have a hard conversation with your kids, when you get pulled over, when one parent looks at you wrong and you're just like, listen here, mother, you just go off, right? They will come out. And so I think it's much more wiser to deal with it on my own, on my terms, in my safe space, with my counselor, with my notebook, with my journal, whatever that is, with my gym, whatever it is, I got to deal with it because it will deal with me. Yes.

You're not crazy, am I? No, but you are doing your damn well best to make yourself crazy. You're working hard at it. Yeah, you're doing good at it. You really are trying hard. Because I'm trying, because I'm always positive. I'm always trying to find the best in everything. And that's beautiful, but that's also, that's your drug. That's a defense mechanism for you.

Is it? It's performative. It's playing. What the world really needs is Renee to be Renee. What you need is a healthy dose of honesty. Or let me say it this way, and this is a rude way to say it but I'm just gonna be honest with you you're every bit the addict your husband is yes I agree with that I'm not an addict but I'm you're an addict he's an addict to

alcohol you're an addict to control you're an addict. He's an addict to alcohol. You're an addict to control. You're an addict to performance. You're an addict to making sure everybody else is at peace. And even I'll die on that altar. But as long as everybody, no one can see a ripple in the water and the sheets are straight at the edge of this bed, we're all good. Okay. Is that fair? Yeah. Yeah. okay is that fair? yeah

I want everybody to be happy and I'll do whatever I can I know but you sacrifice your happiness to try to make other people happy and they feel they know that you're not happy and that keeps them from ever having joy the greatest gift you can give somebody else is you.

My guess is you've probably been peacekeeping for a long, long time. Is that fair? My whole life is the best I can. So you're going to go through a season of practicing, of saying what you actually think. And then when that guilt wave comes over you like a tsunami, you got to just take it. Someone's going to ask you, hey, could you make all the pies like you did last year for the thing? And you're going to say, you're not even going to give an excuse.

You're going to say, no, not this year. Thank you so much for the invitation. And that's it. That's all you're gonna say. You don't owe them any, like, well, I just can't because I've, well, I've got, you don't owe anybody an explanation. You can just say no.

And then when you do that, your body will feel like shame and loser and I'm the worst. And you're gonna have to just, for the first time, feel it. And probably have somebody with you feeling it. Writing it down. Because it's going to all be new. It's going to all be new.

But when it comes to feeling those feelings, the next logical step when you actually feel them becomes boundaries. You will not drink in my home. You will not talk to me or my kids this way. You will not take our money and spend it. You will not sleep with other people when we're married. Like whatever your boundaries happen to be

and for your particular situation with your husband. But here's the thing. It's completely normal to feel chaos and feelings. And I feel this, but I also feel this. I can't be around this person, but I still love them. I love this person, but they're not the right person for me to marry. I'm so grateful this person's in rehab and I'm so ticked off that they screwed up everything. That's adulthood, is being able to handle the tension. But I want to put your husband's addiction on the side, and I want you to get in touch with Renee for the first time in your whole life. What you feel, what you think, and scary and frighteningly, what do you actually want? You get one shot at this little crazy life we got. What do you want? What do you want? Because whatever it is, you can go get it.

You can go get it. We'll be right back. All right, we're back. Let's take Uno Mas. Let's go to Justin in Green Bay. What's up, Justin? Not much. On my lunch break, talking to you. Dude, that's pretty rad. Way to go, man. Your lunch break? Well, when you punch in at four in the morning. I see what you did there. You're one of those guys that works hard for a living.

What's that like? Is that cool? Well, two jobs, going to school for mechanical engineering. Yeah, I'm kind of going all the time. Bro, you're getting it, man. So what's up? I'm having problems. I'm raising my 12 year old daughter by myself since she was five. What happened? Her mom decided. Her mom just kind of decided she couldn't be a mom.

Oh man. She still has visitation, but it's rare, like maybe once or twice a year. Um, she lives over in Detroit now. Um, and actually that comes back to it when we were just over there two, three weeks ago, she talked to her mom to talk to me because she wanted an iPhone. And it's a question she's brought up before. And I told her, no, you don't need an iPhone. You don't even need a phone phone, but I need to get ahold of you sometimes. So talk, text, take pictures. That's all it's good for. Um, and I asked her kind of, why did you go to your mom? She's like, well, I don't want you to get mad at me. Well, I'm not going to get mad at you. You just ask.

And I say, no. And she did it again with another friend of mine, went to her and then had her come with her so she could quit gymnastics. She's been in it for seven years and she's very, very good. She's just struggling because she's at a new level where they're harder on her. They're kind of pushing her and she's not taking to it well. Plus she's a preteen. So I don't know what to do with her going to other people saying I'll get mad at her when it's just I tell her no and I tell her why. And it's like she doesn't like the answer. Hmm.

Do you get frustrated? Less than I used to. I used to be kind of angry. Everything was thrown on me. After the custody, I almost lost my house. I had to fight to hang on to that. I'm coming out of it. That's why I'm going to school.

I don't yell at her anymore. I used to. One thing you said a long time ago is yelling is trauma, and that kind of hit me hard because I grew up in a household where I got yelled at her anymore. I used to. One thing you said a long time ago is yelling is trauma and that kind of hit me hard because I grew up in a household where I got yelled at a lot. So I stopped yelling.

I do get frustrated because she is 12. 12-year-old kid. Yeah, I got one too. And yeah, frustrating is part of the game. Right. Have you dealt with the fact

that your wife looked at you and said i'd rather have nothing than you i have her and i actually get along very well now that's fine you've made peace with that have you dealt with that i think so okay where does your rage still come from because here's the thing that a lot of dads do we quit yelling. We quit hitting the wall, but we don't deal with the rage. And it just sits in our chest like a nuclear reactor and our kids absorb it.

They breathe it. And so we stop an overtly abusive behavior, which is great, but we are not a place for a child to come rest. What I see your daughter doing is actually really healthy. She's trying to connect with you, and her body's telling her that you're not safe. Okay. Not because you're saying no.

I tell my kids no all the time, all the time. My guess is she's put a GPS pin and this guy used to yell this guy her body has created an ecosystem where you're not safe in it

have you ever taken her out for breakfast and said I used to yell and I'm so sorry I'm never gonna yell again I actually do that a lot how does that go

I apologize she she says I know you don't yell you raise your voice when you need to but you don't yell. You raise your voice when you need to, but you don't yell. You're not angry. I tell her I love her. She says she loves me back.

She talks to me about everything. When she comes home from four hours of gymnastics, she just da-da-da-da-da. Comes home from school and talks to me. Talks to me about her friends and all that. But it seems like the things that I say no to, it's almost like she's trying to get somebody else to get on her side. Dude, you know who did that? Probably your wife. Your daughter's 12. Yeah. She's just pushing boundaries to see if they're going to hold. I wouldn't lose one second of sleep of that. In in fact that's pretty admirable because here's why

um you told your kid no you gave her a reason she uh didn't go in her room and slam the door she wouldn't found another person to talk about how she feels that's the that's the baseline for being well is having other people right it's awesome. And it's up to you to not get emotionally reactive when she comes at you with three of her friends and say, here's why she should have a phone. And you can smile and say, y'all are really brilliant. We'll do ice cream, but no phones. Well played.

Or I'll even tell my son, he'll be like, hey dad, on the way home, let's just go ahead and get ice cream. And I'll just look at him and go, well played, man. No chance. I'm not gonna get mad at a 12-year-old for being a 12-year-old. And this is hard because you've been her everything because you had to be and you're a good man.

But you can't be her everything forever. One of the greatest gifts my dad gave me, I was a young kid and he was a homicide detective. And then literally over a weekend, he quit and became a minister at a big giant church in Houston. And he said this to me, and I didn't get how big of a deal it was

until I got older. But he said, you are never gonna be able to hear about our faith from me anymore. I'm your minister now. And I'm also your dad. You're not gonna listen. Please find other men in this building that you can trust

who will speak life into you. And at the time I was a kid, I was like, okay, whatever dad, who cares what dad say? Dads are morons, right? When you're 12 or 14 and now that I'm older to think about my kids and now I'm hyper intentional, dude, you find other people, you talk to that person, you talk to that person. I love it. I think it's great. It's, it's not a, you're, you're putting adult, uh, what's the, you're putting adult, what's the, you're putting adult thoughts

and feelings and motives into the heart and mind of a 12-year-old. Yeah. Is that fair? Yeah, a little bit. Do y'all sit down and talk about hard stuff

like boys and periods and stuff? Yeah. She kind of floored me with the first boyfriend while we were cleaning her room one day, so that was fun. Dude, that's so good that she trusts you, man. I had no words and just kind of walked away for a second. Why? Because I was so afraid of that coming up, being a single dad, raising a girl, and knowing what little buttheads little boys can be. Even the good ones are turds, man.

Right. It's so great that she felt safe enough to do that with you. It's awesome. Okay. It's also like, you have an incredibly important role in her life. And that's to tell her that she's beautiful and that she's brilliant. And if she'll allow it, don't force it,

but if she'll allow it, to put your hands on her face as often as possible. Put your hands on the back of her neck, underneath her hair as often as possible. Hug her as often as possible. You don't have to say anything. Yeah. That's something I've very much tried to do. I give her a hug. I tell her she's wonderful. She's smart. She's talented.

She's funny. And I get that smile and I feel she hears me and I just watch her lighten up and it makes my entire day. Yes. And can I tell you the one other thing to balance? Not saying this is you at all. It's just a common thing for folks who have experienced what you've experienced is that 12 year old will take on rightly or wrongly. They'll take on making sure dad's okay. That's not her job. And don't ever let her fall into that role that I got to make sure dad's not mad. I got to make sure dad's happy. I got to make sure,

cause she can't carry that. She's still trying to figure out what she did that was so bad that mom left her. Yeah. And that demon will haunt her for years, right? I know. I,

I, she's the first couple of years are very hard. Um, when we left last time, she started crying, but she kind of got over it quick. It's after almost eight years, just kind of, I don't want to say she accepts it. She hates it, but she kind of knows how it is. And I see it hurt her. And I try and do everything. I'm at every gymnastics meets when she was in bowling league. I was there all the time when she tried softball, I was at every game I ended up coaching.

So let her find her path. Let her find her, her own roadmap. And, um, there's a fine balance. And I think we did a show recently about that. There's a fine balance between,

I'm going to make you keep going until the season's over, until this season is over of this. But if you're done at the end, I'll honor that. But you're going to do something. You have to do something, right? I gave her that. Good for you. I gave her that.

You can be done at the end of the season, but you will be doing other stuff. You will not be sitting at home. There you go. That's a good day. I hear about it every summer. I don't want to practice. Oh,

but two weeks in, I did this. I did that. Okay. And that's just being a dad. Good for you for not letting a 12 year old's feelings run your household. That's awesome. Hey,

can I just tell you, you sound like you're doing a great job, man. Thank you. I, I worry a lot. It's not easy. That's right.

None of this is easy. Um, I, yeah, dude, parenting is just sprinting across a live wire without a net. And then with people shooting at you just for fun, right? You're doing a great,

you're doing a great job. And I, I, I bucket a great job. Like, um, I care about my kid. I bucket a great job. Like, um, I've got things I got to work on,

and so I'm going to stop doing those things. I'm going to keep working on those things, and I'm going to keep seeking wisdom, man, and you're doing all three of those things, and so I'm just grateful for you. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you all the questions for humans cards, okay? Okay, thank you.

Here's what we're looking for. We're not looking for the perfect boyfriend conversation. We're not looking for the, just the right pamphlet. That's going to let us sit down and talk about periods. Cause mom is not around. We're looking to create an environment where she feels so safe. She can have those conversations. And it sounds like y'all are there as I just upped the ante with my 12 year old. And I did something as much as, um, make a list of the movies I wanted to see before he's gone. Here's a list of things I want him to have done, whether that's change a tire, tie a tie, you know, dress a deer, like whatever. I got some Texas things in there I gotta have, but what, like, what are these things that I want to be a part of like whatever. I got some Texas things in there. I got to have, but what,

like, what are these things that I want to be a part of with him that I can be intentional about? And one of those is just being able to have a conversation and enjoy the silence. And so I'll send you all the cards, man, and set up a regular breakfast with your kids, set up a regular dinner,

take her on a date once a week, whatever that is. And instead of talking bad about the boys, they're going to be dating here someday. Let her experience. Okay. That boy is some knuckleheaded idiot at middle school or high school kid

is going to have to- Oh, he already broke up with her for no reason. So I heard about that too. Well, I know people. We can find him. We can find him. No, but listen, you want to build, you want her to feel so safe with you and so loved and so beautiful and so brilliant

when y'all are out on your dates that some knuckleheaded high school kid doesn't stand a chance, doesn't have a chance. She's going to look at his stringy mustache and his mom's used Camry and just be like, what in the world? I'd really go to a movie with my dad. He's funnier and he's cooler. And he's got way more money than this kid, right? You want, someone's gonna have to really be special. And we're building a relationship there. I'd also encourage her to have some adult women

in her life that are in your area that you trust, maybe from like school or from your local church or wherever you get connected and encourage her to make relationships there. Encourage her to have people to talk to that may not be you. The conversation might go like, I know you get nervous sometimes around me.

Talk to somebody. I would love you to talk to me, but I'd rather you talk to somebody than talk to nobody. And if you help curate some of those relationships, man, that gives your kid just an entire safety net of people who love her. But man, you're making the best of a messy situation, brother. And I'm honored to be a fellow dad with you on this wild journey we're on, man. Congratulations. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings

and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, the mighty and great Salt-N-Pepa wrote an incredible song back in the day. I used to love them. Song's called Let's Talk About Sex, and it goes like this.

Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and bad things that may be. Let's talk about sex for now to the people at home or in the crowd. It keeps coming up anyhow. Don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic, because they ain't going to stop it. Now we talk about sex on the radio and video shows. Many will know anything goes.

Let's tell it how it is and how it could be, how it was, and of course, how it should be. Guess that's what we do here, right here. We'll see you soon.