The Dr. John Delony Show - How Can We Overcome Generational Obesity?

Episode Date: March 4, 2022

Today, we’re talking to a mom about teaching her kids healthy habits despite her husband’s family history of obesity, a father wanting to divorce his wife who’s addicted to alcohol, and a young labor and delivery nurse who needs to learn to cope with the trauma she faces at work.  How should we teach our kids healthy habits despite family history of obesity? We might divorce over my wife’s alcoholism & I worry about the kids' safety with her I’m a labor & delivery nurse & struggle to grieve when we lose babies Lyrics of the Day: "Jesus Take the Wheel" - Carrie Underwood Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Greensbury Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a mother about generational obesity. We also talk to a husband and father who is planning for divorce and wants to know how to take care of his kids. And we talk to a woman who's a new nurse and she's struggling with the trauma she sees. Stay tuned. What is up, everybody? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad you're tuning in and you are riding with us, figuring out whatever next thing we're going to do next, actually. All right, this show comes with a warning.

Here's the warning. James, Kelly, Benjamin. This comes with a couple of warnings. One, this is a do as I say, not as I do. Number two, this comes with a this is my confession, warning. Number three, it comes with a complete and total unpaid shout out to the Toyota Prius that kept me alive. So here's what happened. Today I was driving to work. Oh, man.

Today I was driving to work, team, and I was doing some Wim Hof breathing exercises on my phone and they felt incredible. And if you've ever done Wim Hof breathing exercises, if you haven't, you should. And if you have, you know how incredible it is. Usually do it in ice or in cold. And I was doing it while I was driving. Not great. And then you get into somewhat of like a meditative state, and it was awesome, and I was still driving. And then I thought, I'm going to do another round. And the next thing I know, I hit the concrete median

at 85 or 90 miles an hour in my Prius. And the Prius is totaled. I'm okay. My body's pretty beat up. And here's the thing. I couldn't stop where I was because I was on a turn coming off of an interstate

onto another interstate. I don't know. You can't triple stamp or double stamp. Are they both interstates? I don't know. I was coming off a fast road onto another fast road

to all you urban planner listeners out there, of which, by the way, we have a bunch of urban planners who listen to this show. And civil engineers. Shout out civil engineers. And I had to just keep driving.

Otherwise, I would have been the big D-E-A-D. And the Prius made it all the way. And even so much so that I was looking at all the bruises and burns on my arm from stuff, and it kept going, and I thought, maybe I just imagined this.

It wasn't so bad. And then I pulled into the parking lot here, and I got out and looked at it. It's probably the last time that car's ever going to be driven, ever, ever, ever. But unpaid shout-out to the Toyota Prius gang. You saved this guy's life So way to go I'm team Toyota Prius And I'm gonna have to get a new car anyway So there we go

This is the most John Deloney story I've ever heard Wrecked his Prius While doing breathing exercises Going 85 miles an hour While listening to I had a Metallica shirt on, and I had just turned off Motley Crue and thought, I don't need this to start my day.

I need to... Yeah, it's a very John Deloney show. And then the fact that I kept driving, and then I made it on time for the first shoot that we had this morning. But my head feels a little bit wombly. Anyway, I'm going to need both of you, which, let's be honest y'all

or feel free to do this anytime but y'all just have to pitch in with some you didn't give a very good answer on that one did you get a concussion I

I honestly all of my heart have no idea it was such a if you can look at the car it's pretty rough man it's pretty awesome but

that said I I was gonna sing I will survive but that's not really a good thing. I will survive. I did. I did survive. And I'm A, here's the behavioral changes I'm going to make. Number one, I'm going to start driving slower. I'm going to drive the speed limit. That's from this point forward. That means I'm going to have to leave earlier. That's a whole other thing.

And two, I'm not going to meditate or do breathing exercises in a moving vehicle ever again. Effective immediately. Number three, I'm going to to meditate or do breathing exercises in a moving vehicle ever again. Effective immediately. Number three, I'm going to continue to shout out the Prius, even though now all I have left is my big truck that's trying to prove something. I don't even know what we're doing with that. But let's just go to Kate in Denver and get this show going. America, I'm alive. Let's go to Kate. What's up, Kate?

Hi. Hi. How are you? I'm good. How are you? It's been a morning. It's been to Kate. What's up, Kate? Hi. Hi. How are you? I'm good. How are you? It's been a morning. It's been a morning. Sounds like it.

But it's been... I can hear the sympathy in your voice. Thank you for loving me so much, Kate. So what's up? I'm glad you're okay. Thank you. What's up? So my husband and I, we have two boys.

They're nine and seven. My husband's side of the family is very, my husband and the side of his family are very, they're very obese. My side of the family and myself are not. I'm very active. How do I safely and carefully teach the boys about weight and healthy habits? That's such a great question. Let me ask you a couple questions. How long have you been married?

I'm going on 12 years. 12 years, all right. Is your husband obese? Yes. Tell me about that. The whole family is. They've all struggled with weight. A couple of his siblings have managed to lose weight, but I don't know what it's like. Fortunately, I guess they will lose the weight, but then it kind of just comes back. It's hard

to keep off, I'm sure, when it's a family thing. Yes and no. So there's going to be some genetic predisposition there. There's no question about that. And there's also going to be some tendencies, some just natural inclinations. But there's going to be a big chunk of this

is going to be modeled behavior. This is how we live. This is how we eat. This is who we are. This is what we do for fun. This is what we do for stress. This is what we live. This is how we eat. This is who we are. This is what we do for fun. This is what we do for stress. This is what we do for hurt or pain, et cetera, right? You may have heard me say on this show,

I was surprised yet not surprised. I had a bunch of genetic work done earlier this year. And they told me, you know, I have something called the cookie jar gene. And I was like, what is that? And he said, it's not deterministic, but you have a leaning that when you get stressed, you get exhausted.

If you see an open package of X, Y, or Z, you will finish that package. And so discipline for you is less about white knuckling it through things. It's more about, you can never have that in your house, right? So it's a genetic, it's a leaning, but have that in your house, right? So it's a genetic It's a it's a leaning but there's some behavior there, right? There's some activity and action there So here's the hard thing. Um, again, i'm not a medical doctor

and i'm also not a geneticist so I would recommend that you get some genetic testing done on your boys and on you and on your husband Have y'all met with a doctor before? that you get some genetic testing done on your boys and on you and on your husband. Have y'all met with a doctor before? Not about this. Okay. No.

If you'll stay on the line when we get done, I'll give you the name to my doctor. And he incorporates everything from your genetics to your blood work, to everything into, hey, here's how you can change your life in a very specific way. Here's what's going to be hard for your boys is that they're watching everything. And so they are absorbing and learning this stuff.

And so true behavior change, are they already showing signs of being overweight? No, they're very, very skinny. But my husband said that he was very tiny like that too. And they, they do see a big difference because I teach fitness classes. I run marathons and they see me and then they see their dad. And I just don't know. I don't know how to teach them safely.

You can. So take, take the family stuff off. Obviously you and your husband have had conversations about this. This has impacted your relationship in some way. Tell me about that. Um, yeah,

mostly just because I worry about what the boys see and I don't, I don't want them to think that having, um, extra weight is a bad thing. It's not. As long as you're healthy, that's what matters. And I want them to not feel like they can't do something because they have extra weight or they may have extra weight. And see, I don't even know which direction they're going to go. They're still fairly young. What is it about, does your husband struggle? Does he enjoy his body? I mean, does he enjoy, is he unable to do certain things?

When you say obese, is he 30 pounds overweight or is he 130 pounds overweight? He's probably about 150 pounds overweight. Okay. Does he struggle to get around? Is it something he would love to change? What is it about his situation that is keeping him stuck? No, he's not happy with his weight. He does want to lose it.

He's a stress eater, Um, and his job is obviously very stressful. Um, so he stress eats and then he, you know, he's tired of having a hard time finding the right pair of jeans. Um, we had the boys and I, and my husband, we have dirt bikes and we love to go ride and he struggles. He can keep up. You know, he's very active as far as his job, mechanicing. Like, he doesn't sit around and do nothing. He's physically active. He just doesn't. He has a hard time keeping up sometimes with the boys if they want to play sports,

if we want to go for walks or bike rides. Does he crash when he gets home? Yeah. Just hits the couch? Yeah, he'll hit the couch. He naps, you know, with, well, if he sits around for a while, which I sometimes

do too, you know, you sit around, you get tired. Sure. But they can nap. Yeah. So, here's the thing. Your boys are going to absorb the quote-unquote way we do things or the way things are done through models, through pictures. And they will learn how to be a dad by watching their dad. And they will learn how to be a mom by watching their mom

or what moms quote-unquote do. And so if you are worried about my boy's downstream behavior, then the number one thing you can do is model different behavior. And that means that you and your husband need to have a hard conversation that starts something like you're 150 pounds overweight and I'm afraid you're going to die. Are you worried about him? I am. We're in our early 30s. He's been on medication for pre-diabetes.

So, yeah, it's very worrisome. My grandma died of diabetes. So, you've seen this. You're watching it. There's going to be some genetic predispositions there. My guess is underneath, because at some point someone has to decide, this is what my life is worth. And the folks that I've met with, and again, I don't specialize in disordered eating. That's its own world, And it's notorious for how challenging

it is. But with those that I've met with over the years, the conversation always lends itself to, this is just the way it is. This is just the way I am. Or no, of course I don't want to do that, but I can't. There's this limiting script. There's this limiting story that they've seen, they've been told, they've had modeled for them. And often these are the most extraordinary people and they are lovely and hilarious. They've got a great personality. They've got to adapt, right? And the ones that make the big change are the ones that get to the place where they say, my life is worth feeling good. The hard that it's going to take to lose this weight, to just flip that switch and say, today's the day I start exercising. Today's the day I get a less stressful job if I have to.

Today's the day I take six months off of work and we scrimp and claw and scratch financially so I can get my soul back. I can get my marriage back so I can be a good picture for these kids. The words that keep coming to mind here are change your family tree. And I would be willing to bet if you've got a family legacy of this, there's some sort of something going on there. And who knows what it is, right? Did he have a hard childhood? No, no. Just straightforward. Okay. That's awesome. That's fantastic. So, um, ultimately it's him deciding, I want to live a different life. And one of the greatest gifts you could give those little boys is a dad who says, I'm going to do something different. Can I tell you mine on a much smaller, much more minor scale?

I'm late everywhere and I am a wreck. Like I just am always carrying stuff everywhere. Literally, I got in a wreck today not paying attention. I don't pay attention very well. I'm usually thinking about something or crafting. I'm always, my heads are in the clouds a lot. And I went into my son's room about six or seven months ago and it looked like he had just taken everything in his drawers and dumped it out. And I realized he hadn't done that. This is just how he was living. And more importantly, I walked back into my room to tell my wife, like, we got to do something about that. And I looked at my side of the room and I just had this moment of, oh, no.

Like, this isn't a matter of my son lacking character, integrity or whatever. He's just being just like his old man. And I sat my son down and we actually took him out. And I said, hey, I have to make some life changes. And I want you to come along with me. And the two big life changes are gonna be about being on time because it's disrespectful to you,

to your mother and to your sister and to our family and to our church community when I walk in there 15 minutes late to my people I work with. And I haven't done a good job. So all I have to say is I laid it out and I'm gonna become militant about having a clean home. And that starts with me. And you're going to know, I need you to know, I'm going to turn the tables on you in a way that I've never done before. And I've kept up my end of the bargain.

And interestingly, he's followed along and it's been great. He does push back like, I don't want to make my bed. I like sleeping in a huge pile of, right? But he's, it started with me sitting down with him and saying, I need to do things differently and you can watch me and you're coming along for the ride. And then in your world, it's a total, we're going to shop differently. We're going to act differently. We're going to deal with stress differently. We're going to work differently. We're going to communicate with each other differently. Probably going to need to get some mental health professional to walk alongside him. A hundred percent should get a medical professional with him.

And there's something different when you go to a medical professional and say, I want to lose some weight or I need my, you know, I got to get my diabetes under control or I'm pre-diabetic or I have metabolic syndrome. Many of those things, there's something different when you go to your doctor and say, I'm done. Today is the day. We change everything. And I need you to walk alongside me.

The doctor I use is named Dr. Gus Vickrey. And he's out of North Carolina. And he does a lot of his work. I don't even know if he's taking new patients right now. I don't know if I just put him on blast. But he does a lot of his work. Mobile, right? Over the internet, we communicate back and forth.

And he's one of the greatest men I've ever met and one of the greatest scholar researchers. He's brilliant. And he takes everything into account. And it's also very expensive. I don't want to mince any, I don't want to give people

the wrong impression. It's very, very expensive to have that level of attention and detail. What I would tell you all is 150 pounds overweight, early 30s, young boys,

the money's worth it if you can find it, if you've got it, you can scratch and claw. And if you don't have that money, which is totally understandable because it's expensive, go to your doctor and say, I need help. I'm ready. Go find a psychologist or a counselor in your area and say, it's time. We're going to do the things to change behaviors, to change the way we think. I'm going to look in the mirror and say, you are worth not having backaches. You're worth riding your motorcycles with the kids. You're worth changing your family tree. Somebody has to stare down that forest fire and say, no, no more. And Kate, that's what it's going to come

down to is modeling different behavior and then being highly intentional about teaching your kids the right way to eat, the right way to move their body, the right way to deal with stress, the right way to deal with hurt, the right way to deal with hurt, the right way to deal with pain. But that's going to start with new pictures and new models. Thanks so much for the call. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make.

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Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill-certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash D'Loni and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back. Let's go to Joseph, man, right down the street in Nashville, Tennessee. What's up, Joseph? Hey, Dr. John. It's an honor to talk to you. It's more of an honor to talk to you, my man. What's up?

So I am considering, well, my wife and I are considering getting a divorce. I'm sorry, man. What's up? It's due to her alcoholism. She's struggled with alcohol ever since I've known her. We've been married for eight years. My question is, I worry about if we were to split up. We've got two little kids, four and six, and I worry about primarily their mental safety, but also a little bit of their physical safety. If I'm not,

um, also there to, um, monitor what's going on. If your kids are growing up in the home of an addict, they're going to have some, some significant challenges. Right.

Um, then dad leaving. Yes. That will compound the issues for sure. I mean, I don't, I don't know. There's a lot here. And so I just want to be clear about that. Um, yes, your kids are going to wear a lot

of this stuff. When you say alcoholic, what do you, what does that mean? Well, um, early on in the relationship, she was very volatile. It was more, um, the, the, the problems tended to be more bingey, uh, rather than like more of a daily thing. So it was more what happened when she drank too much. You know, she would have a temper, anger issues. And I mean, there's a litany of things before kids that happened. I mean, she punched me in the face. She threw hot coffee on me when I was driving.

There's been some stuff. That stuff has all gone away, and now it's more just daily. She wakes up very motivated and gets stuff done, gets the kids off to school. She's a stay-at-home mom. I work from home. And midday, she'll start drinking, and it's between a bottle and two bottles every day of wine. And by the time, you know, the kids come home, she's just not her best self. I mean, she's a great mom when she is sober, but not as much when she's not.

And it's starting to kind of take over, impact every aspect of our lives. You know, she blows off plans with friends. She, you know, she's just not present for the kids. She's in our bedroom with the curtains drawn and lights off, and, you know, they want to play with her, and she kind of shoos them away. That's hard, hard, hard. What's she running from, brother?

What's she hiding from? I don't know. I don't know. That's what I've been trying to do. I know that there's something else underneath there, and I just don't know what it is. Yeah, there's some demons there, man. It's heartbreaking to hear that. I mean, I know that in a previous relationship, she was physically abused one time,

so I'm not sure if that's something that she's just never dealt with or what. But, you know, she didn't really start drinking until early 20s. So it's not like a childhood thing that started early and just— Oh, man, dude, those things lay dormant for years and years and years. Right. Yeah, and the more life stress piles up. Alcohol mimics, in a powerful way. Alcohol mimics the, it's like a cheap substitute for relational chemicals, for lack of better terms.

The chemicals we get from being in relationship with other people, being connected to other people. Sex does that and alcohol does that. If you look at the two big challenges with college kids, and we maybe even talked about this previously on the show, but you take 18-year-olds from all over the country and you pull them out of their home systems and you drop them all in a giant box, you've got a thousand brains screaming for reconnection

and a cheap substitute for true vulnerable relational connection is alcohol and sex. Does she make, what happened now? Something happened now that you said, I got to get out of here. What is it? Well, there was an affair a few months ago. There you go. And that kind of is what started us. I forgave her right away.

Was it a one-time thing, or did she fall for somebody? It was a texting thing. It was a violation of trust. I mean, I don't believe that there was more than that, but there's been a lot of unt. And then, um, I mean, I don't, I don't believe that there was more than that, but there's been a lot of, um, untruths and she hasn't really been honest, um,

about anything when confronted with stuff like that. And it's not the first time that she's broken, violated trust. So what makes you, what makes you think, what makes you think they're going to take the kids from you? Where does that worry come from? Oh,

no, I'm not worried about taking the kids from me. Um, no, I'm, I'm more worried about if we were to share custody 50-50, her time with the kids alone. I'm more worried about their safety. Yeah. And so, I mean, there's been a few instances where I've been worried about their physical safety, um, with her.

There's been some times where she's definitely drank and then driven them. Um, not often and less so since I've been working from home just last year, I started working from home and I'm able to monitor, but there's been plenty of times where I've had to go pick up the kids cause she's had too much to drink or, or she's been out with girlfriends at lunch and it turns into a three hour lunch. And then I call her and I'm like, where are you at? And she says, I'm going to get the kids. And I could tell that she's been drinking. I said, you turn around and come home. I'm going to go get them. So if I'm not there to

kind of daily monitor what's going on, I'm just worried about what happens. And, and I don't know, I don't, I don't want to try to take the kids from her and try to get 100% custody, but I also feel like I'm culpable and responsible for their safety as their dad. Good for you. All right, so listen to me carefully, okay? Yeah. I'm going to tell you something hard, all right? This is going to be hard. When you're going down this road, you're going down, right?

So we've had infidelity. We've had dishonesty, we've got repeated, we've got breaches in marital trust. And then you've got safety issues, et cetera. You have to split this in two ways. Way number one that comes first is the safety of my kids. And your instinct is right. And I heard you say it at the end there, and I love your heart. I don't want to take these kids from their mother.

And what I would say to you is she is screaming for somebody to please take these kids from me before I hurt them. And you're their dad. That's your job. Okay? And so any long-term, what's this relationship going to be? I can't believe you did that. You stole my kids, whatever. All of that is in the name of I'm keeping my kids safe.

Think about it this way. If a truck was coming down the road and you saw your kid in the street and you ran out and shoved your kid as hard as they could out of the way of that truck and they banged their head on the concrete and scraped their face all up, what you did was right. Right? That's what we're doing here. We're getting the kids out of the way of a moving vehicle. The second thing is, I don't want to read too much into it because you and I just met, but it sounds like you love this woman and you're heartbroken about what's happened. And I would look at custody right now. And if I'm you, so if I'm you, I'm going for 100% custody because the kids are going to get hurt.

They're either going to get hurt acutely. They're going to get in a car wreck. They're going to get left somewhere because mom drank too much or something's going to happen. And as you go down the divorce, it's going to get in a car wreck, they're going to get left somewhere because mom drank too much or something's going to happen. And as you go down the divorce, it's going to get more intense. As her body starts to recognize there's going to be yet another relational separation, it's going to get worse. And then everything is about reconciliation. If she'll do the work to get clean, to take care of herself, to deal with some of this past hurt, whatever, it would mean, it would fill your heart with joy to let these girls

go be connected and present with their mother. But they're going to get hurt acutely. I'm sorry, I cut myself off. Or they're going to get hurt, like you mentioned. They're going to be tortured to death slowly over time by saying, hey, mom, hey, mom, hey, mom. And they are going to absorb the message that whatever else, whatever phone she's holding, whatever glass of wine she's holding, whatever friends she's hanging out with, they matter more than we do. And here's the problem with this. Your kids know that part of them is their mom.

And when they start to hate mom or they start to get frustrated or angry with mom, they start to hate and get frustrated with parts of themselves. And then what do they do? They start looking for ways to fill that gap. And thus this stuff goes on for generation after generation after generation. And it takes a dad, takes somebody who loves these kids like you to say, not on my watch. And so this isn't forever. This is, I'm going to keep my kids safe. If you're going to go down this road of divorce, and I'm never going to recommend somebody get divorced. It's a mess. If you do that, your job is to keep these kids safe and to give your wife a path back to you if and when she decides to get healthy and whole. How does that sound?

Yeah. I mean, that's kind of where we're at at the moment. Like literally this week, I told her that she needs to get treatment and get into rehab or else it's over. What'd she say? She's fighting me on it. Okay. Then she called your bluff.

Yeah. And I'm telling you, if you draw a boundary, draw a boundary. I did. Okay. Then you've boxed yourself into a corner, appropriately so,

and now you know what's next, right? Right. What's next? Well, if she decides not to go, then I'm filing. What's your time limit? The kids are with my in-laws right now, and I told her I'd give her until Monday when they come back. Excellent.

Good for you. Do not do this by yourself, okay? What do you do for a living? I'm in finance. Okay. Don't do this by yourself. It's going to be tempting to get an attorney and just file the paperwork and make this a spreadsheet transaction. Make sure you've got other guys in your life that you can weep with, that you can call.

Do you have those? I do. Yeah. I do. I've got two really close friends that I'm talking to daily. That's so good, man. And make sure you're talking to them in person also. Okay.

Make sure you're connecting. If there's any uncertainty in y'all's conversation, any like, well, if you don't, I'm thinking about, I think one conversation about fairness. And it sounds like it'd be best to have it in the morning when she's elusive and sober. And to say, here's my deadline. And here's what happens after that deadline. And be super, super clear. Maybe even put it in writing. And so she can read it where it says, I love you.

You're the mother of our kids. You've been my wife for almost a decade. I miss you. And you're being haunted by demons and I'm heartbroken. And I can't be married to someone who cheats on me. And I can't be, let my kids around somebody's gonna, they're gonna get hurt, right? And an addict is great at deception

and somebody struggling with addiction is great at turning things around on other people and hiding and dishonesty. If you write this down in a letter and hand it to her or read it to her and then leave it with her, she'll be able to go back to it and go back to it and go back to it.

And at some point, she'll look at that thing and say, this man loves me. This man really loves our kids. And it might, it just might be that she gets a glimmer of hope, a light, a small little light from your letter that says, if he loves me this much, maybe I am worth loving. And that's where healing begins. Thank you so much for the call, Joseph, man. We'll be thinking

about you. Let me know how things go. Give us a shout back in a few weeks and let us know how things go. And hopefully your wife comes to you in the next day or two and says, I'm ready. I'm ready to go get help and I'm ready to turn this thing around. We'll be thinking about you, man. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? We are back. Let's take Unamas. Let's go to Tori in Charlatte, North Carolina. And Charlotte, what's up? Hey, how are you, John? So good. How are you? I'm doing well.

What are you doing? What are y' how are you? I'm doing well. What are you doing? What are y'all doing there? Y'all having fun? Yeah, we are having fun. It's a little chilly these days, but I am a little upset that Nashville MLS soccer team just beat our new MLS soccer team getting started now the other day.

Well, I'm a little upset that somebody mentioned that communist sport on my show. I'm just totally kidding. Listen, I'm not great at soccer. It's a lot of running and kicking. And those guys all look super, can I just tell you this? I was in Brazil with my wife. And you know how like in the States,

you can drive by like a city park and they're playing basketball. You know, they play basketball till late in the evening, whatever. Well, in Brazil, it was a thousand degrees. It was so hot, so beautiful. And it's like tropical. It's unbelievable. And my wife was doing some research that was helping some schools, whatever.

And so I was just on my own. And I drove by late at night. One of those, it looked like a soccer. I mean, it looked like a tennis court, like a basketball court, except they were playing soccer. Oh my. It was the most incredible.

It was, everyone was beautiful. All of them were beautiful. And I thought, this sport's probably not for me. I need a sport like fighting where everyone's not that attractive. It's cool. So good for you.

Hey, tell your team to pick it up. They're terrible. All right, let's go. I know. So what's up, Tori? Okay. Well, I am a brand new labor and delivery nurse, and I love everything about it. They're really, really good days.

You get to see awesome babies and crazy stories and miracles. And there's really hard days, too. And there's rare days that we lose babies and babies don't make it or are born not living. And I just feel like I'm not grieving these babies effectively. So what are some tools that can help me improve and grieve more effectively? What a great question. Number one, thank you for being there. That's such a gift. Wow. What drew you to that work? I spent time overseas and I worked with medical mission teams in Ecuador, actually, in like indigenous communities in the mountains. And it was just such a clear picture to me that like no matter what corner of the world I go to, health care is needed and their birth and babies.

Like if I went into some specialties, they, you know, I might not be able to do it wherever in the whole world. Yeah. They're not doing knee replacements everywhere. Yeah. Okay. Very cool. That's what a great heart.

Intricate like oncology treatments or whatever. Yeah. So, um, I love it. I love maternity. I love getting to meet women at that place and that vulnerability and supporting them. And honestly, it's, it's so hard. I don't love working with a woman when her baby doesn't make it, but it is a privilege to be with her in those moments too.

So what makes you think you're not grieving well? Before working in labor and delivery, I worked in oncology, and I worked at a nursing home. So it's not like I haven't seen death at work. Um, and it's not like some lives are more important than others. Um, but it's totally different about, it's so different. There's just something about babies. Um, and we work, you know, after they're born, um, cleaning them, you know, having parents hold them, taking pictures of them. And it's just very, very hands-on and elaborate. And I've just been finding that in eight months of working there,

it's happened four times to me. And every time I messed up for days, like connection with people is hard. There's little things that happen that just put me in like a puddle on the floor. And it's just surprising to me, like how debilitating it is again, when that's not something that's very new in my world, but like death in general. Yeah. So I've, I've talked about it some on the show.

I, I pride myself on being able to walk into the most bonkers situations. And twice in my career, I left my crisis state. So this stuff I would do after hours, I left my partner. And both times I said, I got to go. I have to step out of here, which is a big no-no, except I came to learn that it's a gift. And I'll tell you about it in a second. But I had a little baby girl when Josephine, my daughter, was young. She was one or two. I went to one call that was at an ER, and it was with a tiny, tiny youngster. And I'll never forget, I saw the youngster's arm through a crowd of people. There were people

working on her, and my job was to go tell the parents what had happened and to sit with the parents while they tried to keep this little girl alive. And it was, I saw six inches of her arm. I just saw her arm through a crack of people and my body reacted in a way that I was caught off guard by. And I found myself turning to leave and like you, I would never do that.

You know what I mean? It was weird. It was almost, I was grieving my own body. You know what I mean? It was weird. It was almost, I was grieving my own body. Like, what are you doing? And my partner, Janice, who I just love, she looked at me and said, what are you doing? I said, I gotta go. I can't be here.

And she's like, you're leaving me? And I said, I'm telling you right now, I gotta go. And she's like, get out of here. And we talked later and she said, I'm so glad you had the courage to tell me. Then I said, that's never happening again. Like, I'm gonna flex and snap into a Slim Jim and listen to some Jocko podcast or whatever.

Like I'm going to be all in. And then I was a part of a situation where there was a mom telling her little babies that their daddy had taken, had died by suicide. And that was another one. And the kids started crying. I turned and said, I got to go. I left.

And for me, two things were important. Number one was knowing your body knows as well or better than you do. And I had a little girl at the time. Now I could do it. Now I would be fine. But at the time, my body was recognizing those stories running simultaneously, and it overloaded the system. And so, and then here's the other thing. I had to develop really robust processes for handling that stuff.

You know what I mean? Because I can't just leave every time. Same as your job. So when you say your body is like, you're just a puddle for four days, give me some very specific things. What does that mean? I remember it was actually just last week. I had my most recent one.

And I remember just being there, like trying to cook dinner with my husband. And I don't even remember what we were talking about, but there was just something that set me off. And I just had to, and I'm not, I'm really not like that at all. And even like my husband's come and he's been like, whenever something happens with like our family or whatever you're, you know,

like I I'm, I'm a rock kind of person, but I'll just have to disappear and have to like get out of the room and like take a walk or something. And, um, what does it feel like? What does it feel like? Really heavy. It feels like every time it happens it's costing a really deep part of me.

You know, for me there and be with the family. Yeah, it just feels like every single time I'm giving a part of me away and it's heavy. It's really heavy. Yeah. Or sometimes it's giving yourself a part of you away. I remember a few situations where I felt like a part of me was taken. I didn't give permission for it. I didn't ask for that. Yeah. situations and you know there's people who have passed away here and there's dead people here to be here i chose to walk into those rooms and i'm okay giving up a piece of myself in that moment because i've got other people who are right there with me whether they're my partners or my the greatest supervisor ever dr young um who are there to refill right it's when i go into a

situation and i feel like a part of me gets taken that that's, that's where it's unnerving. Right. That's it. Yeah. So, um, I'm going to walk through a couple of things that I did and that I still do and then leave you with, um, one cool truth and one really hard one. Okay. Yeah. All right. So here's the first one. Um, and this, by the way, if you're listening to this and think, well, gosh, I'm glad I'm not a, like a delivery nurse or I'm not a trauma nurse or I'm not a whatever. Everybody experiences this stuff. And these are moments when your body overrides your system. That's trauma. When whatever's going on, your body says, whoa, can't handle that.

And some people fight it and some people run from it and some people just go completely numb. And some people are able to go through the motions, and then it shows up. I call it, this is a gross word, but we call it leakage, right? If you don't deal with it, it will find a way out, and it's usually at a real inopportune time, right? Like your husband just gets home, and he leans in to kiss you,

and you just start crying and throw the spatula at him, and he's like, what? What happened? Right? It comes out at weird places, or you're giving a talk, and all of a sudden you just start weeping, and you can't get it back, right?

So here's a couple of things. Oh, one last question. Sorry. Do you have young kids? No. Yeah. I've not been pregnant yet. And I think that's another part of it is just like, it's very, very easy to put myself in

those potential shoes, you know? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay. So one thing I did, and you've heard me say this probably every show since this show started, is whenever I would show up to be with somebody who had just passed and the loved ones that were left, whether that was at a hospital with a one-year-old or a six-month-old or a two-year-old, or I was showing up to a house, like you mentioned, with a 98-year-old who had just passed away from congestive heart failure and I was with his widow, right?

Whatever it was, if I left that house and I could tell it was still hanging on me, I wrote that person a letter. And I told them who I was. I told them that I was gonna be there to love their family and that I was gonna make sure that I did my best to take care of them. And I was so grateful for the time they got to spend on this earth.

And I wished them well in wherever they were going. But it was a moment of, here's what I'm doing. I'm taking a body that has become dysregulated. It's been overwhelmed by trauma. And I am intentionally bringing it back online. I'm letting my body know, yes, we see this happened. I am in control. I'm talking to this person and using their name if I have it, and then I'm going to set this down. And there's a highly therapeutic process that just goes with that. And there were times I wept. There were

times I couldn't, it was a paragraph and that was it. And it was fine. And there's other times I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. And those became some of my most prized possessions because they were letters to like a lost child. There were letters to a teenager who died by suicide and left his mom bewildered, right? But it ended up being about me being able to reclaim that part that was taken from me. And it's a 30-minute practice. It's an hour practice. You do it by yourself.

And my guess is it would be really healing for you. Yeah. The second thing is, this is hard, but when you see that happening, when you recognize that someone's about to give birth to a child who's passed away already, or when that baby is born, and this happened with my son, you make eye contact with all the other nurses,

and everybody knows this is a big deal. This one's scary. My son had a knot in the umbilical cord, and it wasn't cinched. It was one of the most incredible things I've ever seen. But I noticed, having been in a lot of those situations, I noticed all the nurses, how they reacted. And I knew something was wrong, right? One of the tendencies is to pull away from mom and dad, from that single mom sitting there, from the mom and the dad and the grandma and everybody, what's happening, what's happening.

This is going to sound bonkers, but lean into it. Yeah. Get closer to mom or dad. Get skin-to-skin contact. Hold hands if it's appropriate, if you're able to, if it's welcome. Hug. Put your hands on the baby if it's at all possible. Go into it and give your body a chance to process this thing, not just rip it from it. Okay? Yeah. And what the tendency is when you'd walk into a house and everyone's weeping so loud is to be like, whoa, I'm not wanted here.

That's exactly where you gotta step in. Now, someone may say, get your hands off me. I don't wanna touch anybody. And they're screaming and yelling and that's hard and it's scary and all those things. And then obviously you're gonna honor what somebody tells you. Most of the time, somebody will hug you

until you can't breathe or they will squeeze your hand until you feel like it's going to come off, right? There's something about leaning into that instead of leaning out. The third thing that was really important for me, and again, I mean, I had the single greatest supervisor, boss, friend, mentor, I'm going to call him Dr. Andy Young. He changed my life, man. But after the heavy ones, he would call me. And it might be 2.30 in the morning, 3.30 in the morning.

How are you? You doing okay? Just want to check in on you. What'd you see? And he would always ask, what did you see? And there was something about telling somebody else, here's what I just saw. That again, like writing it down gets out of my body. So here's what I want you to do.

I want you to have a couple of friends that you can call day or night. And y'all can do that for each other. You can have a text code that's like text 5555. That means one of us needs to talk right now. And then y'all can get on each other's radar and you can just tell somebody through tears and weeping and sobbing and snot, here's what I just saw.

Here's what just happened. And there's something about getting it out and sharing that burden with you. As David Kessler says, grief demands a witness. You got, someone's got to hear it out and sharing that burden with you as david kessler says grief demands a witness You got someone's got to hear it and see it with you. Okay, and then here's the last thing Or the last two things When that thought lightning bolts into your head of that baby laying there or when they you know, you've seen them do that, um

It's unbelievable. It's almost disassociative when they're doing the, it's like a CPR thing, but it's that little bitty squeeze thing and they're trying to get a breath back. And that little bitty chest going up and down, it's one of the most heartbreaking things you can watch. For me, it haunts me. I will see that one again. And what David Kessler talks about in his book, it's so phenomenal, is I can control my thoughts. And the moment that picture of that little baby who's just passed away or that mother who is a different kind of scream

when a mother loses her baby, it's something that's very unique. And when that, you know what I'm talking about? You've seen that? I do. Yeah. It's easy for that to lightning bolt back in our heads and then we just Sit and think about it over and over and over. That's our brain's way of protecting us so that this never happens to us again

And what we have is a moment right then when that happens to say i'm out Not doing that Off not doing it stop and i'm going to think about something else whether it's a mother I remember laughing whether it's a mother I remember laughing, whether it's a healthy baby, whether it's a hug that I'm giving that father who's weeping there, I'm gonna intentionally replace that negative thought

with something positive right away. And over time, you'll learn to do that easier and easier and easier. And it's gotten, now I've done it for so long, it's just instantaneous, okay? But it's something you practice. Here's the final thing. There may come a moment

where you have to look in the mirror, sit with your husband and say, I love, love, love this work, but this part of this is not for me. And that'll be hard and that'll be heartbreaking. I don't think that's where you are. I think you sound a lot like where I was, where I was like, oh, I found my body's limits. I've got to dig deeper and I've got to find new tools that I don't have. But I do have people that worked in the crisis team with me that ultimately said, I got to go. Like, I can't keep going into these situations. And so knowing your boundaries is really important. Okay. And you're not broken. You didn't fail. It's just your body saying, this is what we can handle. Kind of like, like not everyone can be a lineman, right? Not everyone in football game

because they'll just get crushed or like in your silly sport that only scores one point after 11 hours of playing or whatever. Like not everybody can be a goalie, right? Not everybody can be a center forward.

And so you got, at some point you got to know like, hey, this, I love medical stuff, but man, the maternity ward's not for me. I'm going to go do something else.

Hope, I don't think that's where you are, but just keep that in the back of your mind there. Okay, so I just threw a lot at you. Is any of that helpful? That's really helpful. I really appreciate it. Awesome.

Here's what would be a great gift. Yeah. I would love for you to write a letter to the little baby that passed recently. And I'd love you to mail us a copy of it. And if you'll mail us a copy of it, I'll read it on the air. I can do that.

I think the world would benefit from hearing how much you love somebody else's baby. And I want you to hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of my brand new book, Own Your Past, Change Your Future, that has an entire chapter on grieving, an entire chapter on forgiveness, an entire chapter on how to move forward.

So hang on the line. We're going to send you a free copy of that. Thank you so, so, so much for the call. Man, you're awesome. Hey, thank you so much for being in the lives of our families and mothers and fathers and kids. And good folks, as you hear in the news, these nurses, these nurses, these nurses,

I'll tell you what, I've seen them. I've stood shoulder to shoulder with them. These nurses, they are the adhesive that holds our communities together. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out

or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back, Jack.

And listen, one quick note on that last call. If you go to johndeloney.com, I've posted a trauma guide and it's got multiple tiers to it that just walks you through what is trauma, what's big T,

what's little T trauma. And it can, oh, multiple tiers, not like, not T-E-A-R-S, tears for fears. Tiers, layers, levels, like a wedding cake. That good?

Weddings are trauma, right? Dude, I'm not doing good. I shouldn't hit a brick wall this morning at 70 miles or 80 miles an hour. Anyway, go to johndeloney.com. You can check out the trauma guide and it'll walk you through it. We've gotten some great feedback on it.

That's just helpful. Just helps clear the deck because there's so much information out there. All right, so as we wrap up today's show with the song of the day, James brought this in and I'm just now turning it over. So here we go. Oh, good God.

It's by Carrie Underwood. Jesus, take the wheel. Ooh, Kelly, a little car wreck humor. Real funny. Jesus didn't drive a Prius, though. She was driving last Friday on the way. I'm not even reading this.

Jesus, take the wheel. How about John, don't wreck your Prius? There's the lyrics. Read them yourself. Go listen to Carrie Underwood. It's just a great tune. Can't do this on my own. I didn't let go, Carrie.

I held on to the Prius and it got us here. We'll see you soon.