The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do I Avoid Having Daddy Issues?

Episode Date: November 17, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: A young woman struggling to fill the hole her father left A wife angry that her husband relies too much on his mom A woman dealing with the aftermath of a life-changing accident   Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch ❤️ ⁠Getaway with your spouse today!    Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Keep your home safe and under control. Go to Cove Smart and use code DELONY for up to 80% off your first order. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.     Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now, we have February and October weekends on sale for the money in marriage getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at $749 a couple. Get yours at ramsysolutions.com slash getaway. How do I overcome the desire for a father's good year? He wasn't ready to be a dad, I guess.

Ah, I'm not going to give him that pass. None of us are. Yeah. I'm sorry, hon. Every single daughter deserves a dad that would burn the world down for her. Because here's what happens when dads walk out on their daughters. What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show commenting from Nashville, Tennessee.

I'm so glad you're with us. Taking your calls on your mental and emotional. emotional health, your grief, your sadness, your joy. You're trying to figure out what's the next right move. I'm so glad you pulled up a seat and you're hanging out with us today. We've got to Medford, Oregon and talk to Marie. What's up, Marie? Hi, Dr. John.

How are you this morning? You're doing great. How are you? I'm pretty good. What's up? So basically my question is I've spent like half my life without a father in the home. And I was just wondering, basically, how do I overcome the desire for a father figure before it gets me into trouble? And I know the quick answer to that is you just don't do stuff that gets you in trouble.

Well, it's not that. It's you never, ever try to squash a desire for a father figure. That's innate that's built into all of us. Okay. like don't don't ever don't ever not want to have a male figure in your life that's 10, 15, 20 years down the road

that you can anchor into and in your case like it breaks my heart that it's not your dad because it should have been your dad where'd your dad go? So you're all right take a breath okay

I guess he was never He wasn't ready to be a dad, I guess I'm not going to give him that pass None of us are Yeah None of us are But yeah as of now he's I think in Southern California

I haven't spoke to him Probably like Yeah nine years or something so do you know where he is did you have the ability to reach out or is he made it clear he didn't one thing to do with you he hasn't really made clear he hasn't really he hasn't put forth much effort to reach out but I think if I reached out he'd be open to but I don't know that I want to reach out okay that's fair yeah so what I'll tell you is getting somebody whether it's a grandparent an uncle um a coach a professor somebody that you can practice this sounds crazy to say practice

develop trust with and when you do that you have to be very careful about your boundaries because there's there's men out there that will find somebody in your situation and will welcome them in for their own for their own like purposes you know what I mean yeah I'm sorry hon every single daughter deserves a dad that would burn the world down for her yeah that's true no listen to me i'm the father of a daughter i'm telling you the truth it's the way it's supposed to be i'm sorry thank you so so where do you worried about making choices that aren't good for you? So I, all my moms that have, like, I have wonderful extended family.

I have, yeah, a good grandpa. I have a couple of good uncles, especially one. But I don't know. There's something about, I don't know if it's just in my love language, if that's what you, if that's even the thing. but just touch it's like a craving and I don't know what to do with it I don't want it oh it's awesome

when it's channeled the right way right and there's a whole bunch of 18, 19, 20 and up that will take it right? Mm-hmm yeah is your uncle safe he is yeah he very much is does he live by you?

Yeah. I guess. What's the question beneath the question? I don't know. Maybe it's... How old are you? 18. 18. Are you sexually active?

No. Okay. And I don't really have a desire to be. Okay. So what do you say? I feel like you're at war with your body. You don't want to feel like you need a dad. You don't want to feel like you need touch.

Like, I'm hearing you say you don't want to feel in your own skin. Tell me about that. Pretty much, yeah. It doesn't feel like there's an outlet for it. I don't want it. Is it because it hurts so bad because it's supposed to be the space that your dad filled and he left? I think so.

And it was, like, even when he was here, it was never filled. Yeah. So. Most, the fact that you're asking this at 18 is amazing. Because most people go their whole lives trying to fill that hole with sex, with alcohol, with work. Some people try to fill it with religion. They just shove, practice. this is down to try to numb themselves out like the fact that you're asking this right now is

really powerful you're very wise the challenge for you is to find somebody like your uncle who's safe and have the courage to not run from what you feel but to own what you feel here's the different. Uncle's there. He gives you a side hug and you take that little scrap of connection. And then you just try to white knuckle your way through it and not, not hold it, not hold it, not hold it. Instead of texting your uncle and saying, I need a big hug from uncle, whoever.

And so when I see you next, I need you to hold me tight and don't let go. and there's there's a weird thing that's happened over the last 15, 20 years and that there's a swath of great men who more than anything don't want to be creepy yeah and if you feel safe and this person's trustworthy saying I need you to hug me and hold me tight might be the permission that he's been needing to love you

and care for you in a way that he's seen you hurting and he just doesn't have the courage he's scared he doesn't want to he doesn't want to scare you but when I say owning it it's you saying here's what I need and here's my boundaries I'm not going to go chase this from strangers I'm not going to go jump into bed with folks because I just need touch I'm not going to drink that feeling away I'm going to find safe people like my own like my granddad.

I'm going to be very clear about what I need. But hear me say this as directly as I can, Marie, there's not something wrong with you. There's something very wrong with the situation that your dad left you in. Okay. You're not broken. You're not messed up.

you're not screwed up. It's kind of a follow-up question. Yeah, I've been pretty open with my uncle with, yeah, lots of things. You know, things my mom doesn't know. But. Like what? Mm-hmm.

even just kind of this feeling I guess okay yeah I've kind of discussed with him about it but just in conversation with him I don't want to over cross like his boundaries you're his niece his job is to be the adult and so it's not your job because here's what happens when dads walk out on their daughters you walk around whether you know this or not whether this is a conscious voice or a little tiny voice that sits way in the back of your heart you walk around asking what was so bad about me that dad left I see all these other girls whose dads are

big and strong and macho and loud and if you date my daughter I'm gonna and your dad said now you're on your own I'm out and then That little voice directs you to make sure you take care of and manage every other adult relationship because now you know that's an option that the adults in your life can just leave. And no kids should know that's even an option. It's not your job to manage your granddad,

I mean your uncle, your granddad's boundaries. That's their job. They're adults. It's your job to manage yours. Okay. Thank you. Give him permission to love you recklessly. And he won't be able to fill that dead-sized hole in your heart, but man, he can help you get re-anchored.

Yes. And as you head off into college, head off into the workforce or something, finding a mentor that you trust, and often mentors can be found through other strong women who are a few years ahead of you that will say we've been here for three years or five years at this company

or at this college, whatever, that guy's safe. And you find people that can mentor you. The greatest compliment I get from the younger women that I work with is when they say you're the big brother that we never had. Right?

I can't be their dad. I'm not their uncle, not family. family. But I can tell them the truth. I can try to be wise. I can say, I wouldn't date that guy, right? I can be that role, right? The big brother that they never had. And your mission is to find those people and just be very clear about what are your boundaries. I'm not going to go to bed with anybody. I'm not going to be in a situation where I'm unsafe. I'm not going to be one-on-one at a bar, right? Like, I'm going to put myself in safe situations, but that becomes your mission. It's not to run from this sense that I need to be anchored into somebody. if you hear nothing else i say let me hear me as clearly as i can there isn't and there never was anything wrong with you your dad didn't leave because of you okay okay it wasn't that he wasn't ready to be a dad it's that he refused to answer the call when it came. No, no, I'm serious. And I'm sitting here with you because you know why that hurts worse.

It's almost easier to say, say he couldn't, then he wouldn't. Right? If the house is on fire and he's only got one leg, it's easier to say he couldn't climb up the ladder to save me. Then, no, he was able-bodied down there. He just chose not to. That's a harder reality to deal with, right?

Yeah. And this is not your job in any way, shape, form, or fashion, but it may one day, it's that old saying's not by your hand, but it's in your lap. It's not at all your fault that your house flooded, but here you are, right? It's not at all your fault that your dad walked out on you. But if you have his phone number, maybe one day you call him and say, Dad, what was so bad about me? And maybe he gives you, he just says, I've needed this call. or maybe right now the anger is too strong is too powerful and that's okay

or maybe you just need to move on that's okay I hate this for him heartbroken for you dads aren't supposed to leave their daughters but it sounds like you've got a good man in your life that's family that's trustworthy maybe it's having the courage

to call him and say hey uncle whoever uncle uncle john i'm 18 now my dad left i need hugs i need wisdom i need somebody to vet my people i'm dating i need someone i can sit down with i'm thinking about going to college or taking this job and i'm i'm i'm designating you do you accept the job my gut tells me he's going to exhale and say i've been waiting for this forever and you can say, I'm going to hug you, you don't let go, I'll let go when I'm done. And that might be the greatest gift you've given him

and that he can in return give you. Wanting to be touched and wanting to be held and wanting to be said, you're beautiful, and I love you, and I'm glad you're my daughter. That doesn't make you broken. That makes you very, very human. And to the dad's listening to this podcast, don't ever

ever leave your daughters when we come back a woman asks how to ask her husband to keep his mom out of the family finances yikes all right team I'm excited to tell you about a brand new sponsor for this show

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Great. How are you? I'm doing good. What's up? Oh, gosh. So my... So much. It's like, where do you begin? Like, where's the starting point?

So my husband and I, I run my own business. I run a cleaning business. And my husband was in the medical field for a super long time. And he just thought out. He wants to kind of start his own business. And we're struggling a little bit with our finances. And what does that mean? So it kind of came.

What does that mean? You don't make enough money because your husband quit his job? Yeah. I mean, he, so he's been doing fine with, like, his business. Like, he's bringing in an income with it. And I just started college classes and ended up being a lot more money than I expected it to be. so I had to like dump quite a bit of my savings into it and then like he ended up wrecking his car into the field of elk and so we had to like dump more money into getting another vehicle and now it's like we need to register and title that vehicle and there's been certain points where it's like and we have a one year old so it's like okay do we buy diapers or do we register the truck so and there's been like other things that he's been struggling with like addiction wise and that's

I don't want to get too much into that just because that it's that is very personal on a level that I don't know if I want that on air okay um but and that has like drained some of our finances as well um can you answer one question just yes or no yeah is it gambling no no Okay. No, it's honestly, it's a lot worse than that. And it is rooted into like childhood trauma. And his mom has a lot to do with it. And she's just always jumped in to solve all of his problems.

And he's never created the skills to be able to problem solve on his own. And that has also caused a lot of problems in our marriage. Because, and I grew up in a tough love home like I did. And it's not that I try to do that same process to my husband, but I'm not one. He needs it. Yeah. But it's, I don't want to build up like a false sense of pride in him in a way because his mom is always just like, The best way I can explain it is like if she could marry her own son, she would.

And like just the way that she builds him up all the time. I totally get that. But I'm saying is he desperately, desperately needs somebody who is not codependent on him, who's not using him, who's not a parasite to him. Yeah. But he needs somebody who actually loves him. Tough love is not always bad. No. And I think the thing that he struggles with is that I actually hold.

him accountable to things, and he really struggles with that. Okay, he's not on the phone, and you've mentioned all these things about him. Yeah. How can I help you? Okay, so I need to know how to bring this up to him without making him feel like he's attacked. You can't. You've been doing this forever. How long have you all been together?

five years married for four okay you have been dancing around him for four or five years stop yeah because by dancing around him you are co-creating his childhood again yeah somebody has to stop because you are now unsafe relationally financially emotionally emotionally emotionally When I say unsafe, I'm not talking about like the little safe space at a small private school. Yeah. I'm talking about you may not be able to buy groceries for your baby. Yeah. You have to own that reality.

Okay. Mm-hmm. And you also have to know you're married to somebody who is very, very unwell. Yeah. and so dancing around that isn't helpful it's you saying here is what here's what must be true yeah you pick your mother or you pick me and here's what picking me means because you're trying to be I mean like you're trying to be married to two people right now.

Yeah. Yeah. And I have told him that, and his mom is very passive aggressive towards me and she attacks me in private. I mean, she's not told me to my,

yeah, it's just, it's not a good situation. Okay, but she doesn't get a vote in your life. No, she doesn't. Awesome. But there has to come moment. Here's the deal. The moment's going to come. I'd rather you pull the car up to the parking lot than have it dropped in your lap. The moment will come when he has to choose mommy or his wife and his child. Yeah. Period. And if he choose his wife and child, he's going to go to rehab. Period.

Yeah, he needs to. And if he is going to choose wife and child, he's not going to have a hobby. that barely makes money. If he is going to choose wife and child, he's not going to, and I'm making this up, I don't know if this is true, he's not going to drive intoxicated into a field of elk. If he's going to pick,

I'm sorry, can you say that again? I'm making this up, right? So I don't know if this is true or not, but if he is going to choose wife and child, he's not going to drive intoxicated into a field full of elk. Yeah. If he is,

if he's going to choose wife and child, he's going to have a steady job. and he can start a new business later, but he needs some stability and somebody that says you have to be here in this office at 6.45 a.m. Yeah.

Working a 12-hour shift. Otherwise, you're just, you're punting reality down the road and there will be, the cards will get called on the table at some point. I'd much rather you do that before you have two other kids

and a mortgage that you can't afford. And $100,000. Oh, you have two older kids. Okay. And $100,000 in student loans, right? Yeah. I mean, like you see where this train is heading. Yeah.

Yeah. And so, like, I'm very heavily in with a church. And they've extremely helped me a lot with this. And a lot of the things that you're saying, because when I had first called into the show or written into the show, Like this was, it's been a couple weeks, but a lot has happened since then. And it is, I did come to that reality that I did tell my husband at one point. I was like, you know, like I have, like I have my own abandonment issues.

And I was like, I did tell them. I was like, this is where like all of your actions are leading me into triggering my abandonment. And I can't do it anymore. And I was like, I have to let you. you go in a sense of trying to control what you do and like your addiction, you're all of these things. I was like, I can't, I can't do it anymore. Okay, but did you do the next step, which is create your own checking account and have your money direct deposit in there so he can't get it? So I've always had my own account set up for my business. No, no, no, no. I'm talking about

for your home. Well, yeah. And don't live out of your business account. That's not, that's a mess too. That's what I've been doing. Yeah, please don't do that. That's a tax nightmare. That's a way to get your business in a mess and your home in a mess. Okay. And if you listen to me ever, I tell everybody day one. Like you walk down the aisle, walk right out and go to a bank and you'll open a checking account together.

Yeah. Right? But I'm telling you not to do that because it's not safe right now. Yeah. But I guess here's what I want to challenge you. I want you to pause the. councilees and I want you to practice standing up as a woman of strength and ownership. What do I mean? I mean not sitting down with him while he's got his phone in his hand and

say, hey, you're triggering my abandonment issues. But I'm saying you stare at him and say, put your phone down. I have something direct to say to you. Okay. You choose me. And here's what that means, or you choose your mommy and your addiction. Yeah. But as for me and my house, we're not moving forward. You get that strength I'm talking about? And I think you have a fear that he's going to go run to his mom's house, and she'll welcome him with open arms.

Yeah, well, yeah, it's... May have happened before. Yeah. Yeah, so it's... Okay, so I mean, I've kind of crossed that bridge already. I know, but here's the thing. That means he's already there. Yeah.

And y'all are just playing. Mm-hmm. And as you want to keep playing, you can do that. You can keep doing that. Yeah, that makes sense. But I think you deserve more than that. I think he deserves more than that. But nobody's ever called him out.

And it may be that nobody's ever going to call him out because he doesn't, he's always going to have this backup play. in the form of mommy in her basement. And I honestly, I don't, I don't, I don't know how to counteract that. Other than to call mom and say, hey, you're destroying your son. But that, that message wouldn't get through to her at all. Yeah, here's the deal. You are headed towards a put up or shut up moment.

I would rather call it, I would rather be in charge of that moment instead of having that moment happened to me. This is about choosing reality. And the reality is you had a husband that's struggling with addiction. You have a husband who goes to mom before his wife. You've got two older kids. You have a young baby who you can't afford diapers because your husband wrecked the truck. Your husband quit his good job to start his own business. It's you sitting down with a friend or with a counselor or if you've got a good mentor at your church to sit down with somebody and say okay here's what must be true here's what I want for my life because he's cheating on you with his mom let me put it that way maybe not sexually but in every other way financially

emotionally relationally he's cheating on you with his mother and you're the one getting dragged behind so no more counselors you're triggering my attachment as for me in my house do you want in on this relationship or do you want out you get to choose and if you want to stay here's what this is going to look like and he might say bye felicia i'm out but i think he's already said it today's day one we'll be thinking about you sarah when we come back a woman asks how to care for herself while living with a very depressed partner This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. This time of year can be tough for everybody, so I want you to make sure you check in on your friends and reconnect with loved ones.

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All right, we're back. It's go to South Bend, Indiana, and talk to L-Y-N-N. What's up, Lynn? Hi, I want to thank you for the work you do. I feel like your biggest fan, and I've never missed an episode. Oh, wow. I think I've missed a few episodes. That's awesome. Thank you. Yeah.

So last year, it's been almost a year now, I fell from a ladder and I had a spinal cord injury. Oh, man, I'm sorry. Thank you. So I'm paralyzed from like the hips down now. So life has completely changed. Like you're completely chairbound? Yes. Oh, my gosh.

So before, like the summer before, my accident, I started going to therapy, just trying to have a little more self-care. So I've been married for 11 years. I have three stepson's, and I was just putting everybody else first. So I was trying to reclaim my peace, my happiness, you know, without always giving myself to everybody else. So then I had my accident, and suddenly I needed everybody a lot. And it was a big change in our household because I cooked, I cleaned. I loved being a wife and mom and doing all the things. And then suddenly I couldn't. So it was a big shift and I just, my husband fell into pretty deep depression. He's got a high ACE score. He's got a lot going on.

He's a law enforcement. He's studying for the bar now. So there's just been, he's got his own stuff too. But, I kind of take it personally because now I need a lot more, and he's really withdrawn emotionally, physically. And I'm just trying to figure out how to keep myself happy when I often feel like a burden, and he'll say I'm not a burden, but I can feel his energy and I feel like a burden. And he'll tell me he loves me, and I'll say, I don't feel like you do. And I'll say, well, you're just being negative. And I try to say, well, for 11 months now, I've been nothing but positive, very intentionally, been nothing but positive.

And I had been negative before, and I know that I nag. But I haven't since my accident, because I already feel like a burden, if that makes sense. So this accident happened. So I want to back up, because you said a couple of things, and things are kind of bouncing around, okay? Okay. You said, I decided to go see a counselor because I was tired of giving myself away to everybody. Yeah. I needed to rebuild myself from the floor up.

Who am I, right? Yep. Yeah. Followed by, I loved cooking and cleaning and being a wife and mother. Yes. Well, and business was my drug. Okay. So I would burn myself out doing those things as well.

Okay. So I was trying to kind of figure out that balance. Okay. So it wasn't that you were thinking, oh, my God, I married the wrong person. wish I didn't have these dumb stepkids, it was, I love doing that part, and it can be really easy that kids are suddenly yelling, where's my socks? And you're like, why don't you just do your own freaking socks for, like, it's just finding that balance, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And then your husband's in his 3-L year, his last year of law school. Yep. When you have this,

suddenly his wife is paralyzed? Yep. Is he still doing law enforcement stuff too, or is you in school full-time? Um, he's still doing law enforcement. Um, he'll take the bar in February. So now he's studying for the bar, but still working full time. Good Lord. And he offered to quit law school. I said, do not quit law school. Literally all I can do is sit around. Like, you don't have to quit law school. And I'm really self-sufficient at home now. Sure. Okay. So I guess I want to start with this. Okay. I've had this exact conversation with spouses of three L students studying for the bar who are very able-bodied. okay where did my spouse go yeah okay so some of this is very seasonal okay where I will say that he did I'm sorry I didn't mean interrupt you you're good you're good you did ask me to be very patient he said just be patient with me so sorry go ahead well and and recommendation number one I always told law students is do not work during this time oh so he's working in a job where people are trying to shoot him every day yeah or they hate the

he's showing up and then he goes and studies for the bar and then he and again I don't want to give anybody a pass but I'm just trying to provide a context not an excuse but a context my guess is he is a problem solver to the max is that fair yeah his love language is I'm gonna get the get the oil changed um or do you do that too well it's probably not the I'm going to say, if you come home and say, I'm struggling with X, Y, or Z, does he want to solve it for you? Maybe not. No. Okay. Dang, Gina. Good on him. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Hey, don't, don't lament that. Most of the law enforcement wives I know are like, I just want him to sit by me, not fix everything.

Yeah. Here's what I'm wondering. I'm wondering if he doesn't know how to love you next. And most of the time when there's a major shift, somebody gets in an accident, somebody's mom dies, somebody loses a job. Often both people are, quote, unquote,

trying to get back to the way things were. And it's you, you've heard me say this a thousand times did you listen to the show a lot. the marriage y'all had is over and it's exhaling and saying okay what kind of marriage do we want to build now and it just so happens y'all are trying to rebuild the marriage

in the middle of the worst blizzard which is studying for the February bar while he's working a full-time job while you're raising his three stepson's you know what I'm saying yeah and so y'all are going to have to come up with a patchwork three-month plan

or four-month plan followed by a six-month plan which is how can I love you right now here's what love looks like because y'all gonna get in these gaslight dances right I can tell you don't love me

I love you you're just being negative I'm not being negative I'm being super positive I can just tell you don't love me you're being and neither of you you're both saying things to each other to keep yourself safe yeah instead of i miss you and here's what i here's here's what i want i want you to hold my hand i want you to pick me up out of this chair and i want you to put me in your lap and i want to watch a

tv show with you okay i can't feel my feet but i still want to hook up right and i'm just putting things out there like that but it's it's here is permission here is the path towards to my heart okay there's the path to my body yeah because that's a whole new territory as well. It is. But like if he doesn't know what's safe, what's not safe, and I don't even know how to ask the words, does this hurt?

Does this feel okay? Is this like it's slowly walking through those step by step by step and it's figuring out a way, is there a way we can laugh through this? Okay. Is there a way we can be silly? Is there an off ramp here? There is a, we're going to try this.

And if this doesn't work, we're going directly to play and be, like it's saying those things out loud instead of getting frustrated and then nobody does anything and then you both miss each other. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense.

And... And... And a lot of times... Oh, sorry. No, go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. I'll try to... I'll try to tell him something and then he gets very defensive about it.

Of course. Or does the whole, like, sorry, I'm not good enough. Sorry, I'm not so-and-so. It's hard for him to hear that. So I think if I can come at it like you're saying, very explicit and what I need

in the moment that would be helpful but here's another thing it's sitting down the table when you'll have a clear of the deck like hey we've got

a new marriage now you have a wife that is chairbound for this season I have a husband and taking one of if not the most

stressful exam of any academic exam in this season while also working a full-time job trying to keep food on the table like

I need you if I say something, we're both, if you say these words, we're both trying to figure out how to do this new life. If I say something that sounds critical, I'm going to ask you to hear it as, I love you so much. Could you love me like this? Okay. Not you're failing me. And what you're asking him to do is to be a big grown up, big boy and not run away every time he gets his feelings hurt. Yes. And you'll have to be able to be able to be a big, to put money on the table you have to be able to put sex on the table and say things explicitly i want you to take my shirt off but i'm sitting in a wheelchair and i know that's weird can we laugh

and figure this out or i want to do x y or z and i know that's going to be weird until we get through it the first time or the 10th time and it's it's not how hollywood draws it up but it's just walking through that together. Okay. Yeah, that all makes a lot of sense. Because we have tip-toed around a lot, and we both have thoughts and feelings, and we try to share,

but it's different and awkward. That's why I love, love, love the Clear the Deck meeting. Mm-hmm. Because otherwise people, they get the courage, the courage, or they hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, and then it just explodes. Well, I want to try this, and you never want to do this. And it always comes at a day when you've had two extra pain killers and you've had constipation for four days and you're like, not today.

And then it feels like, it feels like he finally got the, I want to do this. And then he feels rejected. And the only thing he can do is fight back. Right. It just starts this loop. Or you finally get the courage to say, hey, honey. tonight maybe and that's the night he's got the biggest bar prep day right so it's just it's getting away and clearing the deck and saying hey what does this look like for just four months

anybody can do anything for four months yeah yeah but yeah tiptoe it's it's the opposite of tiptoe okay do you think he loves you um i do i do i just that was a long hesitation Lynn. Yeah. I don't know. I just don't, I don't know if this is too much.

He says it's not. Okay, when you say if this is too much, I want you to be honest about what you're asking. Am I still lovable now that I'm in a chair? Yeah.

That's the question. Yeah. And if he says, yes, I'm in, you can't keep taking your doubt, your cinder blocks you're carrying around and handing them to him and making him carry them.

Okay. Just because you feel less than or not beautiful or maybe a burden or not lovable doesn't mean that he thinks you are. But what you go looking for in the world, you're sure to find. Yeah.

So then I just... I guess look to see if his actions match those words after I give him, you know, after we talk specifics and... I want you to put the focus, not on him for right now, but on you. Here's what I mean. Okay, okay. I want you to look him in the eye and say, every ounce of my being feels like I'm a burden to you now,

but I'm going to trust you that I'm not. Okay. And I'm going to practice feeling lovable. Yeah. I'm going to practice feeling sexy. I'm going to practice feeling spontaneous. Yeah. And all of those things are going to feel uncomfortable.

And you're going to look for every glance he gives you, every time he closes his eyes and looks away. You're going to look for every shred of proof that you're not lovable, that you're not sexy, that you're not pretty, that you're not wife material anymore. Mm-hmm. And you have to commit to practicing those things. Okay.

I can do that. And then he's going to have to commit to practicing to just going in and it's going to be weird to unbutton somebody's shirt when they're sitting in a chair. Mm-hmm. It just is. Mm-hmm. Right?

Yeah. Yeah. It's going to be awkward to fill in the blank. Mm-hmm. But it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, the only thing that's going to crush this thing is the tiptoeing. Okay. Just head right through it. This is what this is, what this is.

This is us choosing reality. Okay. And you are going to stay on your OT. Mm-hmm. If you're seeing gains and you're seeing yourself get stronger and you're seeing these changes, that's amazing. Yeah. Yeah, I'm very hopeful. Okay.

I'll also say one more thing. And this is just my personal experience with my friends who are police officers. Many of them carry shame that their wives have to work when they don't want to. There's this sense that I'm doing this really remarkable job,

this hard job, this providing job, this caring job. Yet when I go to the only metric that most men have to whether they're worthy of being loved which is her checking account that job doesn't pay anything.

It's a cultural disgrace but it's just where we are. And I can't imagine that he's not also carrying around the fact that his wife still has to go to work in this season. Maybe not. Maybe I'm projecting onto him

just from my friends that are officers. No, I think that's pretty accurate. But letting him know I want to be here right now. And that you see, I see how hard you're working so that one day you're going to get a job as an attorney, you're either going to go help the least of these, which is what, are you going to go make a whole bunch of money or both or whatever, but I see how hard you're working

for me, for us. I'm so proud of you. And I probably don't say that enough. I say it, but not nearly enough. But I mean, saying it like where you're, had both hands on his face. Yeah, yeah. He could use that. And then you can say, all right, dummy, now hold my face and tell me that I'm still hot, right?

Yep. Or I just made that up. That was sexist. Sorry, but like whatever you need to hear or want to hear. Like, I see how hard you're working and you're going to work and I'm proud of you too, right? It's y'all like committing to, we've got to rebuild this thing from the floor up. do you still choose me yeah okay and then believe it and it would not right out the gate because most people are like i'm going to believe it and then you don't feel it right it's practicing that

belief okay i'm going to choose to when he says i love you and then he does x y or z i'm going to choose to believe that even when i don't feel it okay and that means when i choose to believe it i'm going to take an action. I'm going to send him a card. I'm going to send him a flirty text. I'm going to send him something. I'm going to practice the action of belief. And we did download your app and he has been sending me. I love you text throughout the day. Gross. Okay. Listen, A, thanks for getting that app. But tell him, I don't want you to send me just I love you text. Here's what I want you to. Here's what I really want. Okay. I want a shirtless picture of you in your uniform. I don't know what's you, what weird stuff you'll learn to.

But like, I want you to, like, up the ante for him and give him a barrier to cross to come get his love. Okay. A tiny barrier, a teeny tiny one. Yeah. Okay. I like that. Yeah. My guess is he is sitting around thinking, I can't even provide for my wife.

And yet he's working a full-time job and studying for the bar, which is something I always tell people don't do. Yeah. And I don't know how to love her now, but I do. Yeah. That is really helpful. That just makes my heart feel better, just thinking of it that way. Awesome. And everything has changed, and you're still worthy of being loved, Lynn.

Thank you. And the new adventure is, how do we be rambunctious and full of joy and play in Eros and sexy and sad sometimes and grieving? How do we do all that together now? Because it's all new. You have a totally new marriage. And the fun to be had here, the adventure to be had here is getting to discover each other again in this new environment, this new context. Hi, my name is Lynn. I think you're kind of cute.

You want to go out. Like, that's where we are. Which can be terrifying and kind of awesome. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back. If you have ever seen me out in the world, whether I'm speaking on stages at live events or even the other night when I was at a comedy club doing a set, you have seen me wearing a poncho shirt. It is cold outside right now so I can wear my favorites, my poncho denims and flannels. These are the ones I wear almost every day, like the Laramie, the Buffalo, and so many more, I love all of poncho's shirts. Poncho's performance denim has that soft, broken, and feel with a little bit of stretch. It's like you've worn it 100 times, but it's still.

deal looks incredible. Pancho flanels come in original or Western styles, and I guarantee you they're going to be the softest shirts you own. Somehow they're both durable, but also insanely comfortable. Pancho shirts come in slim, a regular fit. They're built for real life, and they hold up to whatever your day throws at you. When you are shopping for the guys in your life this holiday season, go to poncho outdoors.com slash deloni. By the way, everyone I know is wearing poncho shirts now. Airports, other states, all across the country, people are getting the message, poncho shirts are the best.

You can sign up right now with your email and you're going to get 10 bucks off your first order. That's poncho outdoors.com slash deloni. Go check them out. All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it? All right, this is from Megan in Salt Lake City. And Megan writes,

thank you for making the questions for humans cards. Trying to get my husband to talk is like trying to draw blood from a stone. Even when I ask him how his day was, I get one word answers On our most recent dates I pulled out the couples deck And we had a nice conversation

On the way home He started asking me questions And it was delightful I have the questions in my purse now And we pulled them out anytime we are together Who knew that something so simple Would make such a huge difference Awesome

Well hey Thanks for not giving up on your husband And going for different ways To try to communicate with him And good on him For being like I'll put my phone down, okay I guess that's my voice for every husband

at a restaurant who just answers one-to-one. That's the language my son speaks now, is this. Hey, how is school today? Good. I always got, fine. Hey, I just got a million dollars in cash for you. Okay. All right.

Yeah, my son comes home. He's 19, and he'll come in from work. How was your shift? Fine. Okay, great. Has your son had the, hey, is this just the rest of my life now, where you just wake up and go to work and then come home? a little bit he starts trade school hopefully in January because he's on the waiting list

and we're waiting so he knows there's something else in between but he's he's realizing it's like oh this is what I've chosen and and this is it forever yeah my wife tells this great story about like being in high school and like seeing her mom making lunches or something and she was like this is just your life and she like called her mom out her mom just walked out of they're like, oh, that was the deep one. You just wake up every day and, like, do the same stupid thing over and do it and go to bed and repeat. That's just your life.

And it's like, oh, God, being an adult's terrible. Well, now he'll say things like, I'll ask him to do something. And mind you, he's not working quite full time. He's like 30-something hours. And he'll be like, I have to work today. I'm like, really? How's that? The five-hour shift that you worked.

How's that going? And then he'll realize he said it. And he's like, oh. Okay. I mean, never mind. Yeah. That's awesome. When they realize like, oh, I have to work and still do all the things that I

have to do. And yeah. So there's a little vindication in it. Feels so good. Yeah, it does. Yeah. And I always say, remember when you couldn't wait to be an adult, welcome. Here it is.

And it sucks. Yeah, except you can go to Taco Bell whenever you want. Which he's starting to flex that now. He's starting to realize, like we've ever told him he couldn't. Like last night, his picked him up at 10 o'clock and they went out because his friend just got a new car and they they went out for like an hour and a half and he was like oh i can do that now and i'm like he's like do you mind it's like you're 19 yeah be home my midnight that's all i ask and he's like oh okay so he's

starting to realize like realize those things yeah you can tell a 19 year old you don't want talk about at 11 o'clock but you just have to let the digestive system do the talking out and he's going on his first weekend trip this weekend oh yeah they're going to gatlinburg for a car show because that's my son's passionate as cars. And so he and another guy, they've rented, they've got their own hotel room. Oh, yeah.

And, um, did they still have the car girls, like the women in bikinis with like the things or is that like, OG? I don't, none of the car shows I've been to with him. It's just a lot of,

and, you know, that stuff. But it's all like Ferraris and in McLarence. This is like high-end cars. Oh, so it's not tight, it's not mustache.

This is like tight jeans. No, no, this is like. Smaller men. Yes, exactly. This is a lot of like really, really, expensive sports cars and so but they're going just the two of them they're staying for two nights so

and i'm like it's okay it's okay you can do it he's 19 it's okay you know a little nervous it's gonna be at gatlinburg it's not like it's Vegas so i mean for a 19 year old 19 year i have made crummy hotels in la misa texas into Vegas so you can figure it out okay shush i'm just saying getlenburg here they come love you guys stay of trouble. Bye.