The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do I Co-Parent With My Ex?

Episode Date: May 29, 2026

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This is an ad for BetterHelp. May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and the stress you keep pushing down is showing up in your relationships and your health. If you need to talk to a licensed therapist, make today the day. Go to betterhelp.com slash Doloney for 10% off. He's always been a very emotional kid,

and he loves to play sports. He loves to compete, but he gets in these emotional states when he's playing. Something goes wrong. He'll just break down and cry, and I'm having a hard time navigating that, knowing what to say to them because I'm kind of old school, I guess.

What up, what up? This is John the Donolone show. Thanks for being with us. Last night here in Nashville, probably the most influential band of my life. Tripp and Daisy was here. And if you don't know who that is, I pity you.

I'm sad for you. In the 90s and early 2000s, there's not a band I listened to more, other than Pantera, but they weren't an in. influence. They were just kind of an obsession. Tripp and Daisy was a band. I followed around. I watched the shows at different cities across Texas. I tell you what, man, I haven't listened to a couple of their records in years, and those songs are encoded into my DNA, like in my mitochondria.

If you got young kids, be very careful what you let them listen to, because they'll remember every word forever. But man, to the Tripp and Daisy gang, dude, they're still out rocking, and it was Awesome. I'm going to go catch another show or two on their tour. They're so good. And listen, here's the meta here. Put your screens down and go see a live comedy show. Go see a concert. Go bowling with your friends. Get out and go be in the world. I tell you what, man. I slept good last night. I smiled when I woke up this morning. So much better than doom scrolling our lives away. Let's go out to Atlanta, Georgia and talk to Jake. What's up, Jake? What's up, John? How you doing, man?

I'm good, brother. How are you? Doing well. So what up? So I've got a question about my six-year-old son. He's been playing sports since he was about three years old. He's always been emotional. Yeah, we kind of start early around here. Dang, good.

All right, get on it. So he's always been a very emotional kid. Okay. And he loves to play sports. He loves to compete, especially with his friends. But I'm a little concerned, because he gets in these emotional states when he's playing. Something goes wrong, he'll just break down and cry.

And I'm having a hard time navigating that and knowing what to say to him because I'm kind of old school, I guess, mentality. Like, just flush it and move on. Yeah. But his mom is completely opposite, and I'm just worried future-wise, what that'll do to him. Nothing. He's six. He's six.

Yeah, I just, yeah. I mean, are you and mom not aligned on this? No, we're not. We actually got divorced about a year ago. Okay. And so that kind of complicates it as well. You know, I'm his coach also, so that brings another wrinkle into it.

Yeah. So, you know, I've got nine other kids that I'm responsible for, and I can't really take time out of the game to go address his emotional breakdowns, and she'll pull him out of the game. game and talk to him and then he'll miss an at bat or something yeah i can't do that like you you've got to be coach um the the uh is this your first kid he's my first but i've got three jeez you got all right so let's contextualize this for for him for a second okay his whole world has exploded

he's got two siblings that are what five and younger so His one sister is four and the next is two. So yeah, under five. So he's got a divided, like a divided attention, divided parents, divided households, that on top of what may be a genetic predisposition to just really big feelings, I have those. Yeah, I mean, that's what I was going to say too

is I'm an emotional guy too, but I didn't want it to like, that be my fault. And like, is there something I could do better now that I didn't get, you know, as a child or whatever it was, other than just like ignore it. Yeah, and I would say you and I both grew up in a world, which was shove it down and shut up. And that made for very angry adults, fair? Yep, exactly.

Yeah, so most men are socialized to get over it, right? Right. Let me put this way. You never hear somebody say, I'm going to go make her a woman. Yeah. Right. Women or girls are allowed to become women. Right.

Boys have to be made into men, right, as though they have to be disassociated from one thing and created into another thing. Yeah. And I think that's insane. And at the same time, there's characteristics of men that we have to have, right? But all that to say is this. I don't want to get too distracted there. Your son has big feelings.

Awesome. And he, at six years old, has so much going on in his life. on top of his genetics that his little bitty body can't hold them all. Great, cool. I promise you he's embarrassed that he cries too. Yeah. And so what I like to tell younger kids is

every feeling is okay. Not every response is okay. What do I mean by that? Okay. When he's cool and y'all are having breakfast together, which God help you, a six-year-old kid who's just gone through a divorce, you got to spend extra plug-in type.

with him. Oh yeah. I go to lunch his school's two minutes for my work so I go to use them at least once a week. Well but even that time which is amazing I'm glad you're doing that um is divided among his friends right? Actually no I pull him aside we go sit by ourselves. Oh cool. Awesome. So it's just one on one time. Perfect. Dude that you're crushing that way to go man. Thank you. What I would tell you is uh letting him know like hey I have big feelings too and sometimes they get so big and they come out as yelling or mean or angry and yours come out as tears it's all good when that happens i want you to go sit on the bench or i want you to go give a a like a give him a thing to do okay and know that like after the game you can sit on the on the drive home we're

never going to talk sports on the drive home ever ever ever ever ever i mean pro coaches say that pro athletes say that on the drive home i'm back to dad and we're just going to chill. Then maybe later in the day and say, hey, man, I saw when you struck out, your feelings got real big. Tell me about it. And all we're doing is we're going to norm the fact that he's got big feelings. He will watch you to learn how to grow up and make that transition. And what's a good way to do that? And I don't want him growing up to be an angry, raged out guy like his dad is. Right. Exactly. How you deal with mom? I have a no

parents in the dugout rule. Right. And good luck with that one, right? She'll take you to court, right? So I don't... Exactly. See, that's the... It's hard to navigate that.

But last night was like a great example of what you were just talking about. So he was up getting ready for bat. He was on deck. And one of the other kids got confused and went ahead of him. And that just kind of wrecked his night. And like for the next five minutes, he was emotional. I couldn't get out of it. And I'm trying to get people back in line to go hit.

but well he finally came back around we got him to go up to bat and he you know laced a single and so I walked up the first base and I was like dude that is great I am so proud of you for like putting back your emotions for a second and playing the game and I think that really

just like made his day is that I told him I was proud of him for pushing those I don't even want to say push him back but just be in the moment play the game and he got a hit and was able to calm himself down a little bit and the language I use is you did

the next right thing. You got back in there. Right. And again, I want to contextualize this. He is six. Yeah. He's not 24. Right. Right. He's not 18. He's six. And so even if he had gotten back up there and struck out and turned into a super like atomic fit or whatever, you can't scream. You can't throw the bats. You can't curse at the ref. Right. Like you can go sit down on the bench and compose yourself. That's okay. Right. Right. And so we're going to do what's the next right thing here. But man, the fact that he got a hit, cool, great. I mean, that was neat for the night. It was a neat like end of a Disney story, right? But it won't always happen. No. In fact, more time, baseball is the only sport that you do something three out of ten times right and they call you

a Hall of Famer, right? So like, yeah, most of the time he won't get a hit after that. But it's letting him know, like, hey, I'm proud of you're getting back in the box. Way to go. Yeah. And he'll begin. to learn, oh, I have this humongous feeling and then I'm going to go do the next right thing. Right. You get what I'm saying? And again, let his mom comfort him.

It is what it is, right? Yeah. I'm not going to go to war with mom in the dugout on, you know what I mean, especially a year after divorce. I'm not. Exactly. Yeah, and I'm just trying to, and I don't want to, I guess I've taken the opposite way

where I don't want to interfere at all. I don't want to say anything to her at least. I just kind of let it happen, cause any, you know, strife. So I don't think that's the right thing either, but, you know, I'm just, it's kind of hard to, you know, deal with all of it going on at once. Yeah, I think the, and she's going to have guilt, too.

She's going to miss her kid. Do you all split custody? No, not yet. Hopefully in the future, I guess, you know, with them being super young, it's, we didn't want to have them in different households, you know, every other week. So right now it's just a week and off, week and on.

So do they all three live with her during the week? Yes. God almighty, dude. How do you breathe, brother? It's not easy. Like, it's taken me almost a full year to, you know, which I am very close to them. Like, we're in the same town. My mom still keeps my youngest, so I go see her as much as I can.

I go to the school events, pretty much every event that they've got, I try to go to. So I try to make the time and go see them. But it is very tough. Yeah, and it's not even the events are. cool it's the bumping each other in the kitchen it's the attunement right it's the ups and the downs of the little tiny little things that happen yeah exactly man i i i geez i just don't know how i don't know how people do it man like 24 hours 48 hours from my kids and i start getting a little bit like itchy you know what i mean like anyway oh yeah trust me i know geez but i mean i kind of

brought this on myself so I can't you know can't feel too bad for myself both can be true you can blow your marriage up and still feel heartbroken you don't see your kids both those things are all right yeah you know what I mean um but yeah it the thing that your kid needs now more than anything is a dad right who loves him and he's gonna have he's gonna have already have big emotions he's already gonna be six and not know how to I mean not have the physical capacity to hold them and then you dump two little ones and then you dump a divorce he's just a walking stick of dynamite dude and what he needs is an adult who will wade into that that blast radius as a sturdy presence and i'll sit by you and then later

in the evening at night or whatever i'll i'll sit with you and say like man tell me about that that felt like it was big and go from there and the more you can again he's sick so you can't do much but the more you can over the next five, 10, 15 years open up to him about, yeah, I had big emotions too, and I had to shove all mine down. I wish I'd been able to cry when I was six. I wasn't allowed to, right? Like, the more you can share some of that stuff, I believe in my guts, the true picture of masculinity is I feel this thing, whatever this thing is, and I go do the next right, hard thing. That's it. And it comes from modeling, not from breaking and rebuilding. It just comes from good men. Modeling. Yeah, I feel real sad right now. And I'm going to get up and go to work for my family.

I feel real scared right now. I'm going to grab this sword and head into this to defend my neighborhood. Right? Like, it's, I feel this thing and I'm going to go do the next right thing. It's not, I don't feel anything because that's a recipe for pathology. So thanks for a call, brother. I think you're, I think you're on the right track, man. You're on the right track. Please, all parents of young kids playing sports, they are six, they are 10, they are 14. They're supposed to have huge emotions.

They're supposed to be hormonally dysregulated. They're supposed to have big stuff. It's all right. It's all right. It's all right. When we come back, a woman asks if she and her boyfriend should elope so they can have sex, even though they can't live together yet. I can't wait to hear this one.

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That's t-h-o-n-e dot com slash the letter you slash deloni. Go check them out. All right, let's go out to the 512, Austin, Texas and talk to Kate. What's up, Kate? Hi, how are you? I'm doing good. How are you? I'm great. Thank you for having me. You bet. What's up?

Well, I'll start with my question, and I'll kind of work backwards because there's a lot of context and a lot of information. First and foremost, the question is, should my boyfriend and I elope in advance of a wedding or sooner with so that we can have sex sooner. I got to, I got to hear more. Tell me more. Okay. So,

how old are you? I'm 26. Okay. All right. We've been best friends since we were 17. We kind of pseudo dated back, um, at that time. And we were both, we were both big hot messes and just through toxicity and trauma it exploded and we've kind of been

on and off best friends since then but have always been really close he's the only person that's ever known me well he's known me better than anybody else so um a couple years ago there was a bit of a falling out and we kind of went our separate ways and date other people I dated somebody that I probably shouldn't have but got pregnant and was in that relationship for about two years. So I got out of that relationship last year. It's been about a year, but as you probably know, once a mom decides to leave, it's been over for much longer emotionally. But I left about a year ago and we started kind of toying and talking about the idea. We got back in contact.

We're friends again for several months. We kind of started playing with the idea of dating. And I had done a ton of counseling while in my other relationship and a couple of things that kept coming up once I had already decided that I was going to end it was that despite the fact that, you know, we had always, for the most part, always been friends. He was the one person that I didn't want to risk a relationship with because he was the one man that I couldn't risk losing. And that was kind of the green light in my head of, oh, yeah, you probably should have dated this person. What was the big falling out about y'all had a few years ago?

He admitted that he was in love with me and I was not prepared to hear that. And so he felt super rejected by it, went and dated someone from his past that was a bigger hot mess than the two of us put together. And I just said, I can't watch this. I can't stand by and watch. This isn't going to go well. And well, he didn't feel rejected. You rejected him. I mean, he may have felt it, but he felt it.

It wasn't like he was having this out-of-body experience. Yes, that is true. Okay. So fast forward. Okay. How long have you all been talking? Two months, three months, six months a year? We've been talking since about October.

Post-a-post- divorce. Yes. Okay. Yeah, it was about six months after divorce that we started talking and then we've been officially dating for a little over three months. Okay. Please God don't marry him yet. Okay. And I'm a super romantic. I like, dude, you're going to be hard pressed to find someone who's more in love with the idea of being in love than me. I love it. Obsessively so. And You all even live in the same town, right? No, he lives about two and a half hours away. Okay. How long to y'all can be in the same town?

Late fall, so kind of November, December-ish. Why so long? He has a job in the Houston area that he's getting a new job here in the Austin area, but it's not going to start until them. And he has a lease that isn't up until a... around that time either. Okay. Forget the, like, you're calling me asking,

should y'all get married real quick? She y'all can have sex? That's a whole other conversation. I would love to hear about that. But the real issue here is, I know y'all have been friends for a long time. Getting married to somebody is different. And making sure, like,

not that y'all like each other and not that y'all have had a long-term friendship, but do we want to build a life? together you and me ride or die. Mm-hmm. And that to me, again, in my opinion, is best done when we are grinding out life in the same community. We're seeing each other regularly.

We're seeing each other annoyed, frustrated, sleepy, tired, excited, happy. And it builds and builds and builds. Okay. Otherwise, everything else you're filling in the blanks with whatever story you're making up. and those mutual stories being made up when you finally do get married and move into the same house

it's a collision and by the way what's holding you back from having just gone to the courthouse so my ex and I have a morality clause that says that someone can't move in until we've been exclusively dating for six months

so that puts us around July so the elopement if it happened would be around the July-August timeline. But John, even going to move in until November, right? Yes, but so he right now comes to Austin every weekend to either spend time with me or spend time with me and my son when he isn't with his dad. And, but he can't, he can't sleep in the house overnight while my son is in the house. So that would be able to change in the July, August timeline. But I don't want it to confuse my son right now. My son knows that he's he's mama's boyfriend. He's

mama's friend. But if he's going to be spending the night around my son, I don't want my son to still have that label on him because I want him to be kind of eased into this idea that he will be a part of a family. He's going to have to start calling him by a different name. He can't keep Conn him by its first name and just trying to help that transition be as healthy as possible. Yeah, how old's your son? He's two.

Oh, geez. Yeah, I would slow the roll on this one. I guess I just don't know what the rush is. Okay. I mean, you're going to do what you want, and that's cool. Tell me about the sex. Do you have like a value that you don't want to sleep with anybody

unless you're married to them now? Yeah. Or does he have that? Does he have that? We're both Christians and we would ideally not be intimate until marriage. There have been slip-ups, but we're trying to hold to that as best we can until we're actually married. But I also don't think it's a super smart idea for him to be coming and spending weekends, you know, starting in July, August when he can. And he has his own room in my house and his own bed.

So we don't share a bed or anything like that. But it just still doesn't seem like the wisest to have that temptation looming. Okay. You know, like, I'm like a nice guy, right? Is that fair? Mm-hmm. Okay. So can I just be super honest?

It's going to sound mean, but I'm not trying to be mean. Go for it. I feel like I'm talking to a parent. of you and a high school version of you and a 25 year old version of you all in the same person that's very valid okay so i want to peel away all of these layers and here's what i never want to cash in on here's what my values are and because you have a kid value number one above and beyond romantic relationships, finding somebody trying to romance back like a decade old friendship, all that.

Number one value is, what kind of world do I want to create with my son? I say like when people get married, I tell them like you have a secret world. The kids don't even go in that secret world. It's you and your spouse, right or die, death do you apart. It's all there, right? Right now you don't have that. Your secret world is with a two-year-old little boy. And that's it.

And so you ask yourself by yourself, what do I want him to experience? And I don't think you're doing all of this theater so that you don't tempt yourself, right? That's my job for my high school kid and my 10 year old. Like my job is to do these things. But for you, you're like, well, we've got his own room. You're a 26-year-old single mom working a full-time job in Austin. You get what I'm saying? I want you to be an adult, like a grownup.

And grown up, number one, value is, how do I take care of this kid? Value number two is, how do I navigate a relationship I might want to pursue for the rest of my life? And those are separate things. I have fully 1,000% agree with you. The confusion your little two-year-old will have, if there's this guy that dips in and out every other weekend that just, yeah, totally. totally get that. And I think I think you feel that and you're right. The second thing is, is if you're serious about you and your boyfriend get to fast forward some things because you've known each other a long, long time. But I'd start going to premarital counseling and see

is this a guy I want to not just be friends with, not be close to. I have several 30, 40 year friendships with girls who are now grown women that would not have been good match for me to get married to, right, that I've known for years, for decades longer than I've known my wife. I've known them forever. And maybe not decades, but at least decade and a half longer than I've known my own wife, but they would not have been good people for me to build a world with. Right? And so if you're interested in that, then when he comes to Austin or you go visit him in Houston, y'all go see a pre-marriage counselor and you'll get into the deeper things. Are we aligned on values?

How are we going to do conflict? How are we going to do communication? What do we want our faith values to look like lived at? Like get into some of those things. So come July or come August or come November when he packs up and moves across the state to come live by you, now y'all are in. You get what I'm saying? But having like a pseudo secret marriage where you got this guy coming and going,

it will never be real until November. and then come November even, it's going to, I mean, geez, that's what a mess, right? Yeah. So we do have two rounds of premarital counseling lined up with two different couples. He's got a mentor and I've got a mentor and both of them and their spouses are licensed for premarial counseling. So they're both going to handle that. my mentor lives in Houston where I'm actually from and her and her husband have also started mentoring him. He has dinner with them every other week for a couple of hours.

So we've got a lot of really great older people in our corner that are kind of mentoring both of us and helping guide us and navigate, you know, me being a single mom, him being a future stepdad and whatnot. It's awesome. And yeah, blending that because he's also going to be in a relationship with this other guy for the rest of y'all's time together. Mm-hmm. Right? And so navigating all that's hard and it's messy, but it's 100% doable. You just have to be intentional about it. Can I ask you one personal, personal question?

Yeah. And you're like, I called you about sex. I'm like, I got even more personal question than that. Go for it. How much of your current situation is you looking up, the smoke is cleared, your six months, out of a bad marriage, you're a single mom. How much of this is you're lonely? I really don't think that that's it. If I'm being totally honest, it was about three months before I left my ex that I felt like my head came out of that postpartum haze, and I woke up

and I was just like not doing this for the rest of my life, and I left. Was that guy abusive? Was he unsafe? Why'd you leave him? Not physically abusive, just very, very manipulative, extremely controlling, verbally abusive, just a lot of mental mind games, just constant mind games. And I came to realize that he hated who I was in my core and he hated my personality. and I either had to choose if I wanted to like myself or I wanted him to like me because both couldn't be true. Okay. So papers are officially filed,

that thing is officially done and over? Yes. Okay. All right. Yeah, I guess what I would tell you is you're going to look up when you're 70 and hopefully you're married to this guy. I really hope, I mean, I'm like rooting for you guys big time.

but if you're married to this guy until you're 70 or 80 or 90 let's say 90 that just sounds more fun 90 looking back you'll have been married 60 years if you wait till you're 30 and looking on a horizon like that six more months is nothing yeah that's true right it's just it's nothing and so no I wouldn't go marry somebody trying to skirt a legal document that I signed just so I could sleep with them. And I wouldn't ping pong back and forth with a new romantic partner in the house of my two-year-old who's still babbling about, learning to talk and shim-sham and go back and forth between me and some controlling, unsafe, emotionally abusive, X of my, like, that's a lot of transition. I would get core things first. Core thing, number one, make sure my kid is in a stable place.

Make sure our relationship is rock solid. Number two, make sure not just that I have a history with this guy and that I like this guy and that a light bulb came on in therapy. No, no, no. That won't get you through the daily grind that is, dude, why when you floss, there's always flex on the mirror and why do you do the dishes like this when I do them like that? And why do you put your underwear there? Like that kind of stuff grinds a marriage down.

right so i want y'all to get involved in those conversations and dude then in a few months it's a few months but houston to austin do i made that trip a thousand times in my childhood like or my younger years not my childhood but in my younger years like you all are dating you all seeing each other it's great it's awesome cool um i just wouldn't rush this process but you do whatever you want because you're grown up and part of me thinks you'll be married by the end of this phone call but also if how about this if y'all get married in November Kelly will send you a signed autographed picture of her that y'all can frame and put on your mirror

not in your mirror that's too weird but on your fridge because that'll be awesome thanks for the call sister we come back a man asks if he's crazy for feeling insecure that his girlfriend has close guy friends we'll be right back all right I started with cozier towels Then I got hooked on their blankets and their comforters, and then I started wearing their socks. And now I've got cozy earth in every nook and cranny of my house.

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And if you get a post-purchase survey, tell Kozir, you heard about their amazing gear right here on this show. All right, let's go out to Tampa, Florida and talk to Justin. What up, Justin? Hey, Dr. John. Super honored to be speaking with you today. I'm honored to be talking to you, homie. What's up?

Thanks, man. Yeah, so I have somewhat of a, am I the problem for you, just for having an issue with my girlfriend's close guy friends? Ooh, how long have you all been dating? We've been dating for about four to five months. How old are you? I'm 34. Okay, how old is she?

She's 24. Nice. Just a little bit of an age, gas. Just a cool decade. All right. Yeah. Okay, so tell me about what you're experiencing. Yeah, I mean, I can share a little bit of the back story.

I said nice, and I think I sounded creepy when I said that. I didn't mean that like in a, oh, yeah, bro, like, high, five. I was saying nice, like, kind of making fun of you. Okay, so back to it. There's a little bit of stuff that we've experienced for sure. Yeah, no, I was super making fun of you. I wasn't like high five. Okay. Okay, so go for it. Yeah, so a little bit of back story. Um, my, I was previously married. My, my ex-wife left in 2024, um, after revealing she had been in an affair with one of my best friends. Good God, dude. I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was, very, it was a tough season for sure.

And so this is really like my first kind of serious relationship since then. Because it took some time. But and so as we were, as we've kind of just been dating, she's fully aware of my, of my situation. She's never been married. But so she is fully aware of the situation and all in everything that I have gone through. So she's been like open and honest.

the entire time about these close friends that she has. These are friends that live out of state that no romantic history with them or anything. And so they'll like, but they'll call on occasion and just like catch up. And so there's there's a little bit of stuff in me. I guess I feel that I just kind of struggle a little bit with the concept of her being, you know, just continually catching up. with these two guy friends. And so, yeah, that's kind of the basis of my question. So I've got friends like that that are women that I catch up with.

And so that on its face, I don't think it's weird even a little bit. What I want to honor you with is something in your guts tells you something's awry. And it could be you got cheated on. and it was right under your nose and with a close friend and your wife, and now your radar is really sensitive. And if that's the case, dude, I honor that. You should honor that. You got set on fire by two people who are really close to you.

Yeah. Your radar should be pretty attuned, right? And the person you're with, who's going to potentially spend the rest of her life with you, should be honorable, should honor your radar like that. Right? Yeah. The other side of it is, you may be having us, like, no, dude, I'm the problem here.

Like, I'm, my radar is overly attuned to the point that it's irrational. Yeah. I think for me, it is kind of, it is kind of that way in a sense of like, you know, this was, this was a guy that I, this, a fair partner was a guy that I trusted and like, really, really close. and so I knew him and like these guys I don't really know so it's hard for me to know their intentions and that's the biggest thing is like I feel just for hold on even if you knew them you won't know their intentions so trying to figure those intentions out as a waste of time

yeah that's true like let that ride like a yeah probably know their intentions and B I'm not going to spend one second of energy on that because I don't know. I thought I knew my best friend on the planet's intentions and he cheated on me with my wife. Right? So I'm not going to get in somebody's head about their intentions

and you can't go through the rest of your life not trusting people. Yeah. Right? And so you're going to have to wade through that fire, your body going don't trust. Remember last time? And you have to say,

I have to get through this tension and get to the other side of it. and begin to learn to practice trusting people again because I can't go through my whole life isolated and alone. What does she say when you bring it up? She, you know, she honors that as well. She has, I mean, she has said that these are

long-time close friends and that, you know, that there's not been any romantic interest and that they weren't guys that she, she has high standards. And so with one that like validates me that I could fit those high standards, but to like, just I do feel like I trust her when she says that. And also like she has given me like complete access to her phone and like, which is totally

new territory for me where in past relationship, it was like so guarded over that. And so it's but it's also she's kind of held her ground too to say like she doesn't, these are these are lifelong friendships that she wants to continue to have um and i don't want to be like the controlling boyfriend that's like stop talking to all men um so just how like just i guess some advice and how to navigate some of that so i here's what i hear and tell me if i'm wrong i hear you saying no i trust her and i don't think she's nefarious in fact she's gone already shown more willingness to be open and vulnerable and like put all everything on the table than even your wife was and so i hear you saying i think the the issue is in me right and if that's the case

then it's simply coming up with a practice of intentionality like god this word is so beat down on the internet's but it's a mindful practice of when i feel my chest starting to tighten or i feel it because here's what you don't want. You don't want to say, yeah, you can talk to those guys. I just don't ever want to hear about it. Because then you're asking your girlfriend, maybe your future wife, to begin keeping secrets. And that's a recipe for disaster. And so, the other side of it is, you don't want her having to check in with you every time. Right. Right. And so it's you realizing, oh, I just, I'm feeling kind of a way about this. And it can be as little as, for me, it used to be, I've talked about some on the show, I used to put my,

my fist in my chest, that was just a quick little reminder for me. Like, dude, you're good. Now it's all the way down to I scratch my thumb with my forefinger. And it's just like a small little, dude, you're good. And people could probably go back and mind my shows and see when I've done it on this show. Right? Like, it's just a small little physical reminder to me that, oh, my body's trying to protect me. I'm good.

I'm good. Yeah. Right? Yeah. some of that has been me navigating as well where I've had suspicion in the past, but for the sake of like keeping the peace, like not said anything. And so, and not been true to myself. So just wanting to like feel my feelings and honor my feelings, but also not let my feelings like control and run my actions. So my buddy Jefferson Fisher has a great,

a great response here. And he's one who taught me this and I love it. Let your first response be a breath. So whenever I'm feeling like, I saw that phone just buzz, I bet it's those guys, who, yeah, right?

And that gives you a pause before I say anything, before I text anything, is this real? And I, I, it's such a fine line between, I feel like something bad is going on. Like you probably felt with your friend and your wife. And I'm not going to say anything.

I just want to keep the peace. I want everything to be cool. And the other, the other extreme is, I'm just going to be me, bro. That's just the way, because sometimes people who are just being them, they're asses, right?

They're irrational. Right? Yeah. And so it's being able to be in the middle there and say, I'm not going to keep, the piece. This is actually a big deal. And so I'm going to set up a time

and I want to have this conversation. Or the other side of it is like I have this feeling, this isn't real. It's all good. It's just my body trying to protect me from things that it's experienced before. Good for you. Good on you body, but I got this. And here's the scary thing for you. If you want this relationship with her to work long term,

is she somebody you're thinking serious about? I mean, you all have one dated four or five months, but do you already see like, man, she could be somebody I want to spend a lot of the rest of my life with? Yeah, yeah, for sure. Okay. It's, uh, yeah. You're going to, this sounds harsh. You're going to have to put yourself in a position where she could hurt you as bad as your wife did.

You're going to have to get in the boat and put both feet in the boat. Yeah. And that's a scary, that should feel terrifying to you because you've done that once and it got you burn bad. But if you try to hedge it, all right, I'll get in this boat, but I'm keeping one foot out just in case. The relationship will, I mean, it's like, y'all are both canoeing, but you got a foot. I mean, you're both paddling a canoe, but you got one foot in the water.

It's just going to turn in circles. You're never going to get anywhere. Right? Yeah. But dude, like on its face, if you have a girlfriend that's 24 and she's got 10-year-old friendships with guys that she met in middle school and they're scattered across the country, I don't, I've been married for 24 years. I would have zero.

And when I say zero, I would have less than zero issue with my wife catching up with old friends. Not even a tiny bit. And she doesn't have any issue. Like, I do that too. Yeah. And so that, having friendships like that,

especially like checking in, how we do and all that kind of stuff, that's great. Nightly text messages. I love you, miss you. Like, now we're getting into some, into some not safe territory. Right.

Yeah. But I think it's a matter of view. And let's play this out. Let's say this relationship doesn't become your new forever relationship. Okay. You practicing feeling a big feeling, pausing, and then considering with intentionality, what's the next right move for me? We'll pay dividends at your job in your next relationship.

If you ever have kids, it will be masterful. Yeah. I told the previous caller, that to me is the highest form of masculinity. I have a huge feeling. It's a big, what's the next right thing to do? Yeah. And sometimes the next right thing to do is, like I said, to grab a sword and head off into the middle of danger on behalf of everybody, right?

Men go first and men die first. That's the way that rolls. And sometimes it's, who, that's a big feeling. I'm going to sit here and be rooted and peaceful, right? I'm going to be the person everybody can anchor to. Yeah. And that's the thing you've got to practice. Can I just tell you, I hate that your wife and your best friend did that to you.

Yeah, thanks. Have you fully grieved that, that they blew up your nervous system? Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I have. I've seen some specialists and was able to go to an intensive therapy counseling thing. Cool. I definitely feel, and I wouldn't even allow myself to be in a serious relationship.

considering the next steps if I hadn't agreed that. So it's good. And I feel that I've gotten tools to help kind of, again, not ignore my feelings, but also not let them run me as well. Done. Perfect. Kind of leading there. Awesome.

Awesome. There is a world where you can be really happy that your girlfriend has close friends. Yeah. Well, in playing that out too, like if this isn't our, forever for both of us. Like the last thing I would want is for her to not have friends anymore either because some boyfriend ruined it. But also like, yeah, I want to honor, you know, her friends and stuff.

So just more or less like making sure that I'm not like ruining something for her either. Yeah. The fact that you just said that as articulate as you did tells me your way on the path to being well. Thank you. Yeah. I mean, feel that. the feelings of jealousy.

They're normal and they're right and they're whatever. And then go do the next right thing. Whatever that happens to be. And my guts tells me that your, my guts, my gut tells me that your gut knows the difference between, I don't like this. Like, I wish you wasn't talking to a guy right now, which, fine.

Versus, I think something shady's going on. And when something shady's going on, commit, I will never squash that. voice again. I did that and it cost me my marriage and it cost me my best friend. Actually, their actions cost it, but I'll never squash that again. And I'm going to be happy my wife's got friends she can reach out to. It's awesome. And by the way, Jessica, I've been doing this for a minute. Don't read the comments on this on this call because everyone's going to have a bunch of opinions. You have an open dialogue with your girlfriend and man, I'm rooting for y'all like

nobody else is. We'll be right back. Last night, I had a great night of sleep. Why? Because I slept on my Helix mattress. My whole family sleeps on Helix mattresses. All of us. Why? Because Helix mattresses are amazing. They don't just build one generic mattress for everybody. They build mattresses for you. Whether you're a side sleeper, a back sleeper, a hot sleeper, even you stomach sleepers, everybody has their own mattress with Helix mattresses. I want you to get online and take their sleep quiz. It takes like two minutes and Helix will match you with the perfect mattress for the way you sleep for you with no guesswork. This is one of those small decisions that can change how you show up for everyone every single day.

Go to HelixSleep.com slash Deloni and get 27% off sitewide during their Memorial Day sale. That's 27% off at Helixleep.com slash Deloni. And listen, this is only. This is only, for my audience. With a Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, we're back, Kelly. Am I the problem? Yes, 100% you are. Y'all, listen, this show would be 5x bigger than it is right now

if Kelly would not edit out the things that we talk about off air. Also, we would have no jobs. I know, but for like two weeks, this show would go to the moon, and then it would have a hard crash landing. But listen, I just have so many opinions on things. Yes, you do. And I do too.

And I think that our opinions are matched on a lot of things. But we're not going to discuss it now. You edit them out of the show. All right. That's fair. Okay. Thank you for employment. Continual employment.

All right. We haven't about my problem. Right now you are the problem. But go ahead. It's from Nicole in Columbus, Ohio. Okay. And Nicole writes, I had the idea to do a weekend trip for Mother's Day with just me, my husband and my kids. I thought it would be a nice change because we normally run from one family

gathering to the next and it can be tiring. I brought this up to my mom and she was disappointed. I also mentioned it to my mother-in-law and she seemed downright angry. I let them know that I planned on meeting up on a different day with both of them to give gifts, but on the actual day we would be gone. Is it selfish of me to want to do something a little different and that I thought would be very enjoyable for Mother's Day with my family? Do you like me just to answer it and be done? Just why? She did everything right. She's 100% right.

Yeah, she had the conversations beforehand. We'll make plans. Why can't aging parents be disappointed and not take that disappointment and just smash their kids in the face with it? Why can't they think to themselves? Ah, it's Mother's Day. I would love to have lunch with my son and his wife and our grandkid. but how awesome is it that my son has taken his wife out to celebrate her for Mother's Day? Why? Why is that so hard? I do not. I'm so frustrated is not the right word. I'm a heartbroken

for the state of our culture with how many people cut off aging parents and how many aging parents cut off their young adult kids. and also when crap like this happens, I get it. Like, who would not want their kid celebrating his young wife on Mother's Day when they have an infant? That's the thing. That's awesome. But to make it about like, what about me? Especially when they set up, like, hey, we're going to celebrate you guys.

I just want to do something special. For all husbands out there, you know what? did, high-fived her. Not only she's not the problem, she's the gangster. That's a, that's a high bar for me. Listen, she told her sweet young husband what she wanted for Mother's Day. That's the win. That's so awesome. She gave him a roadmap and he's trying to follow it. And both parents are like, no, I, uh, okay, I'm done. What do you think, Kelly? I think we both agree. She's She is definitely not the problem here. You just talked,

you know what you just did to me? You just talked to me in the mom's annex voice. You know, like when moms are screaming at their kids, they're like, shut up! I can't sit! And the phone rings, they're like, shut up. Hello, hey! You just did that to me.

You just did it. Yes, I did. I tried to counteract all the energy right now. I just... But you're 100% right. And I think she did exactly what she should have. She had a conversation ahead of time. So this email came in, for those that don't know, because this show goes out after Mother's Day.

It's right now April 28th. We still have two weeks until Mother's Day. And she sent this in about a week ago. So three weeks prior, at least, she spoke to them. Here's the plan. Here's what we're doing. We will celebrate you on a different day. And they both got mad. They threw adult temper tantrums. And I get it. Be disappointed. I'm trying to be disappointed. I'm trying to be. to put myself like if I lived in the same town as my son and it's father's day and he has a wife and a young kid and he calls and says hey dad for father's day we're going to do something as a as a small family this uh for father's day and you and I are going to go do x-r-s-r-z-r-z I would immediately be like oh man I want to hang out with you at father's day and then I because I'm a grown-up not about all things I still think butthole jokes are funny but like on most things and diarrhea jokes, the best, the best.

So not most things, some things. And by the way, we need to have another conversation. You can edit this out. Do you know what a pelvic floor is? Just found out about those. Didn't know that was a thing. I did know it was a thing. I just didn't.

Anyway, listen, I think those things are hilarious. But I would be an adult and be like, yes, how awesome is that my son and his wife and his young little kid are hanging out. Anyway, that's all I'm going to say about that. No, you're not the problem. You have achieved gangster status. Young mom.

What's her name? Nicole, and she's in Columbus, Ohio, and she's awesome. Nicole, we honor you here on this show. And God help your poor little husband, if he doesn't follow the roadmap, you've so kindly given him. He will, though, because he's awesome, too. Love you guys, bye.