The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do I Control My Control Issues?

Episode Date: October 10, 2022

On today’s show, we hear from: - A mom realizing she has lost control of her control issues - A new divorcee who’s afraid of relapsing now that he’s single - A woman who’s never had a relationship despite wanting one Lyrics of the Day: "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" - Judy Garland  Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. How can I control my control issue? When did it start? So my only guess is when I was four, my dad died in a car accident, so very unexpectedly. That's a big thing, Megan. It is a big thing Megan it's not like a it is a big thing what up what up this is John with the Dr. John Deloney show

the greatest mental health and marriage and relationship and parenting podcast ever in the history of digital media which is about I'm just going to keep expanding this make it cooler than it actually is so glad that you're with us and hey here's the, I'm just going to keep expanding this, make it cooler than it actually is. So glad that you're with us. And hey, here's the deal. I'm not talking to anybody. I'm talking with folks and I'm so grateful that you pull up a seat to the table and we're just

going to figure out life as we move forward together. If you want to be on this show, give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. And I hesitate to. Um, but it does help out the show. So if you will If you find something of value in the show if you will share it with somebody if you'll send it to somebody if you will Go on the internets and I honestly don't know how to do what i'm about to tell you to do but if you could leave a Five star review that would be dope if there's a two or three star review that you feel Please email kelly directly and don't do it in stars. Be a grownup and just tell her how bad the show is like with words. But if you want to say how good it is,

be a child and do it with just five stars. How about that? But the reviews do help and the subscriptions, if you subscribed, it does help. It helps everything. It helps move it up in the algorithms, which sends it to more people, which for me ultimately helps more people get the help and care they need. It helps us all feel a little less crazy to know we're all in this together. So thank you so, so much for riding with us. All right, let's go to Megan in Spring Hill, Kansas, my favorite state. What's up, Megan? Hello. It's good to talk to you, Dr. John. It's good to talk to you. How are you? I'm good. How is the land of

waving grain? Well, I will tell you it's great out here, but you as well as the Ransom team, I guess we're probably just not good enough for you because you guys never come back to Kansas City. Dude, Kansas diss. Here's the thing. I put up some internet

posts recently where I was like, do whatever you got to do to change your life and sell stuff, have hard conversations, move to Kansas if you have to. And the for one millionth of the price of having a hurried psychotic life in Manhattan. Anyway, I'm all Kansas. I'm going to intentionally plan an event there in the coming months. Is that cool? That would be great. I'll be there. You'll come? Okay.

In fact, we'll get your info, and we'll hook you up whenever we make it happen. Okay? Oh, awesome. We're going to do this. We're going to party in Kansas. It's going to be my, my, uh, apology tour to Kansas. All right. So that's not why you called.

What's up? Um, so I was calling, um, hopefully this is one of your lighter calls. I'm calling to ask, how can I control my control issues? Um, so kind of, um, I guess a longer explanation, um, kind of a wide range of answers there. But I feel like, and it's gotten a lot worse since I've had kids. I have two girls, a four-year-old and a six-month-old. And I just feel like every single thing in our life, in our family's life, I have to control. I need, like, I control our schedule and our calendar.

And so my husband travels for work. He's one of those Royal Roaders I heard on one of your podcasts before. Yes. So you, I know that you know all about that life. He's home like one day a week. If we're lucky, we get just over 24 hours with him. But so like even on that one day a week, it's like, I don't, I don't just like take a step back and like relax and

okay, he's here. Like we're a family. We can just relax on this day. No way. It's like, oh, by the way, this day is scheduled minute by minute, even though you're here and it's our only day with you. Um, and like even down to things such as when he is home, I find myself like I have to drive the car because I don't know which route you're going to take and I'm not going to like that. Or just anything that we do have planned, I need to know like the who, the when, the where, the why, the how behind it all. I just feel like I need to be in control of absolutely everything, which leaves no like room for just breathing and just letting life happen.

And I will tell you, my husband's completely opposite. He's the kind of guy that says, I think there's a quote that's like, life happens when you're too busy planning for it, something like that. So how do I- You know why he can say that? Because he's with you.

I was going to say, because I control everything. That's right. And my guess is he's, somebody in his family, possibly his mom did the same thing, or it was very similar. Yeah. But he can do that that's my attitude come what may dude let's figure it out because i have a wife that takes care of all the crap you know what i mean and so that's that's the definition of privilege just to be like what why are you worried about that well somebody has to feed the kids

right so yeah i don't want you to feel insane. This started a long, long time ago. When did it start? So my only guess is when I was four, my dad died in a car accident. So very unexpectedly. Okay. I just smiled. Not because your dad passed away. So I want people watching this on YouTube and I'd be like, this guy's got no soul.

I'm smiling because the way you framed it was like, I've done some deep digging and I dropped a couple of big gulps walking out of a supermarket once. And you're like, I went looking and the only thing I can come up with is my dad died. Of course. Yeah, I mean, that's the only thing I can come up with, right? That's a big thing, Megan.

It's not like a a It is a big thing Yes I don't know how it would tie into needing to control everything, I guess, necessarily Here's what I would guess I am completely making this up And you and I can spend three or four hours together just hanging out in Kansas And we can go deeper, okay? My guess is

When your dad passes away that's huge especially when you're four but what's equally if not more um maddening insane besides the grief and loss your whole world is over at that point and you're gonna have to have a new world but it's the adults in your life whose worlds also explode yes and my guess is was your mom in the scene back then um like at the scene of the car accident no no no was your mom how did she handle this um i mean looking back, we're not a family that shares our emotions, period. So I remember we went to counseling. I think, I mean, gosh, looking back, I don't honestly remember. I know that my sister went separately. She was seven years old at the time, and then we all went together.

I don't think that I went all by myself, but I could totally be wrong on that. So I know we went to counseling. I don't really remember talking much about it other than in counseling. Right. So listen, so repressed, that sounds so dramatic. You've been parenting yourself since you were four years old. And four-year-olds don't have the capacity for words like sad. They don't have words like heartbroken, like what just our whole world is in ashes. Why does mom keep disappearing? Yeah. Mom is radioactive, but she won't tell me. She doesn't have the words to say, and it's not,

I'm not bagging on mom. Mom didn't have the skillset either. Her whole world exploded, but mom didn't know that the greatest gift she could give me as a four-year-old was to hug me so tight and say, I miss daddy so much. Because you miss daddy too. And you would have not been more depressed. You would have felt less insane. And so your four-year-old body has been grabbing for control because that's all it had. And you've been grabbing it for a long time. And how old are your kids? They're six months old and a four-year-old.

Ta-da! Your body has a pin and four years old. And it would not surprise me if you have not been on an escalating control. Your grip has been tightening on your world over the past six to nine to ten months. Is that fair? Yes. Your body is gearing up for this moment when everything explodes again. Yes.

It remembers this. And you're married to a railroad guy. Yeah, I know, right? So a lot of this— Him and I do talk about that. I know, but a lot of the control, the world of railroaders is not set up for human existence.

Yeah. It's set up to extrapolate the last ounce of soul out of somebody in exchange for money in the future, a good retirement. That's what that job is for. Yeah, exactly. It is not designed to have a family, to be a cornerstone of a community, exchange for money in the future, a good retirement. That's what that job is for. Yep, exactly. It is not designed to have a family, to be a cornerstone of a community, to eat, to have any sort of health, right? Any job that says, this is going to suck so bad, I'll give your wife a

full retirement, is already saying up front, we don't care about you. That's a whole other podcast, though, right? So that's the world you're in and so your control needs are are real somebody's got to feed those kids and even when your husband's off you know this he's a zombie and he has to this isn't like a he's got he's got to do something to relax too right he's got to have hobbies and be able to go outside and move around otherwise he'll just die um yeah so there's two things going on here and this is just a quick flyby, right? Cause this is something you and I can spend more time with. Yeah. At some point you're going to have to feel those feelings you've never felt.

I feel like I don't know how to go about that. Cause I, I listened to you for since day one and I've heard you say, um, you know, like write your feelings, journal, your feelings, feel your feelings. And I've tried to journal them, but honestly, after like one or two feelings or thoughts, I just, I'm like, okay, yep, I'm fine. And then it doesn't come for, I don't know, a very long period. That's fantastic. Here's where I start Is I identify the behavior that is that is? Maladaptive I identify the behavior in my life that is not serving me or the people I love very well Okay, for me, it's grabbing food for you. It's when you you start getting more controlly and more angsty and more

right Yep, that's the moment that you sit down and write your feelings down. If you just bebop in on a normal Saturday morning, dude, your body's better than that. It's shoved that crap so far down under so many layers of performance and joy and smiles and dancing.

And by the way, you don't have to have some big cathartic, you don't have to replay the wreck, none of that kind of stuff. Okay. It's not that. It's simply this. Your husband comes home and is like, hey, we're all going to dinner tonight.

And you instantly, your heart rate goes up. Yep. It's, I have a plan and we're eating here. I've been thawing meat since four o'clock and you just waltz it. Yes. That right there is what we're going to work on. Okay. So we're going to go in our bedroom for five minutes after he just announces that.

And you're going to talk to him ahead of time and say, I'm trying to learn about my body. And you're going to ask yourself this one question. What is my body trying to protect me from? And just answer that question. And probably it's just going to, it's going to wind all the way down to we control about nothing in this world. Yep. About nothing. Right.

Yeah. And you know, more than anybody in the world that we can have all the safety protocols and do all the right things. And some drunk driver is going to hit us, and it's all over. Yeah, but he was actually – he was the drunk driver, but – He was, okay. Or somebody we love is going to go do something stupid and get themselves killed.

Yes. Right? Which I actually didn't learn that he was intoxicated until, geez louise, less than 15 years ago. Which tells me you've got a family culture of secrets. And secrets destroy people. Yeah. From the inside out. My guess is you might have passed that along, brought that to your marriage.

And it might not be secrets of you're seeing somebody else, although it might. But it's probably secrets of how angry and raged out you get at the railroad, how frustrated you are with your husband being gone all the time. And you love him and want to support him, but God, I wish I had a regular husband and a regular job and a regular life. And you bottle those things up and you keep them and keep them and keep them. And the way your body has chosen to handle that sort of compression is through control. Mine is through eating and distraction. My wife compression is through control. Mine is through eating and distraction. My wife's is through control. Some of my friends are through alcohol or weed. Some of my friends are from flirting and hanging out with people they're not married to, right? So it's all across the board. Everybody deals, some is it's workaholism. They just work and work and work

and try to outrun it. It's sitting down and down and saying okay this is what i'm feeling right now okay and being able to say okay i had plans i do want to go out actually let's do it or like my wife will do to me she'll say i would love to go out but it's not in our budget. We didn't budget for it. I do have this food set out and I don't want to waste it. And I really would like, I need a quiet night at home. And I say, great. And that's different than control. That's being able to express your needs, which comes after being able to feel stuff. Does that make sense? It does. Yes. Thank you.

So here's what I want you to consciously think of when you start tightening up It does. Yes guess is you may end up not needing to talk to somebody, not to go process the trauma from that long ago. But my guess is y'all are going to have to learn new skills on how to be married that you didn't get growing up. Yeah. Is that fair? That's fair. Do you want your husband to quit his job? Oh, gosh.

Yeah, that's something he won't he will not and the thing is you know he will be like oh yeah i'm home this week and he'll be in town for a week and they'll be like oh by the way next week i have to go just two hours away which for the railroad is right down the street and i'm like oh of course you do because you know you got to be home for one week and you got to be here's here let say, do you want him to quit his job? Um, gosh. Yeah. Okay.

Here's the thing. For so long, you haven't said what you need because you couldn't because it didn't matter. Yeah. And you've got to get to a place where you're able to say, here's what I need. And it might not be, I need you to quit your job, but it might be, I need my husband. Yeah. I need my friend. I need my lover.

I need my co-parent. And this job is in the way of that. Yes. Otherwise, you're going to end up in a big pile of resentment. Yeah, we're on our way. You are. And somebody at Whole Foods is going to wink at you or help you with a carton

and you're going to get their number and all of a sudden you're going to be off to the races. Or he is going to realize that you have a distance between the two of you and he's going to text somebody. All right, see, that's how that happens. Let's back out of that thing. You just said, mm-hmm.

I know, I know Megan. You've got to back out of this thing and say, here's what I need. And I need you. And then we're going to backfill that. And it's again, it's a skill to practice. And I don't think you've ever said your needs out loud. Yeah. Is that true? That's true. I mean i mean maybe maybe starting to now um yeah but you wait too long if you start announcing your needs on the back end of a of a failed control attempt it's war okay so if he comes here's what that sounds like um so if he comes home and says hey let's just forget it let's go out to eat i'm taking everybody out to dinner

yeah in your head you've been preparing for a meal all day You know that kid number one has been whining all day and i'm not taking that one out in public and this one's got the the rockets diarrhea's and i'm annoyed and i'm And he just comes home and announces that right? yes, then you Start seething and you clench your hands up and you clench your jaw up and you start to get a little bit louder with the cabinets. And then he's like, why are you so mad? I want to take you out to dinner because he's really trying to help.

And you say, I've already got stuff started. And he's like, I know. I just want to be there for you. And then you snap. Yeah. I need you. That's not needs. That's war.

Yeah. I need you. That's not needs. That's war. Yeah. Needs are the week before when you say, hey, and this is a gift my wife gave me. When you just waltz in and announce you're taking the family out to dinner, you just have inserted yourself into an entire family ecosystem that you are away from. Yes. That makes me feel X. Yeah. Yes, that makes me feel x Yeah, so if you want to go out to eat Would you text me as soon as you think of it during the day and I can text you back and say? I've already got dinner ready. Do you want to you still want to go? Is it see what i'm saying?

We've had to create a new algorithm and really at the end of the day my goal was to help I was trying to help her out And I learned the best way to help her out is to ask her what she needs And her best way to get the help she needs is to be honest with me about what she actually needs. That's totally different than me trying to save the day. See what I'm saying? Yeah, definitely. And I can see that in our relationship as well.

Yes. So no more war. But all that starts with, is your control helping? No, I think it's just like grows. Yes. Like I get a little bit of control here, so I need to control the next thing and then the next thing, the next thing. And nothing's actually under control. Everything's really just on fire right now.

Yes. But your grip is so tight that you feel like you got it. You're getting dragged behind a car pulling you down the highway. And you're like, I got this. And everyone's like, you clearly don't have this, right? So here's the, I say this a lot and I'll end with this. The things that kept us safe and alive as a kid are the things that often are disruptive to our adult lives. This worked for you because it had to.

Because mom went in a black hole of grief and may have never come out. Because y'all went to a couple of counseling sessions and then you learned really carefully, really quickly that our family keeps secrets, some things we don't talk about. And you felt crazy. And then that little body, that little girl said, we're on our own. We got to control everything because that's our path forward. And now you have your own little kids. You realize you can't control anything. You have your husband who works for a disastrous industry in terms of how it treats people. And you realize I've lost him too.

And then you start thinking, well, here's what I can control. I can control that relationship. I can control this. I can control how organic the spinach is, whatever. And you end up winding yourself up in a straitjacket. You're worth a peaceful life. You're worth a marriage that works. You're worth not cheating on somebody. You're worth kids being able to laugh.

You're worth walking through life with your hands held open because anything else is an illusion. Let me know how that goes. I want to hear your progress on that, Megan, and I'll keep our listeners notified. Thank you so much for being brave. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season.

And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're

stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost.

Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slashcom slash deloney all right we are back hey let's take a quick second sarah jenna what happened you're a huge award winners you're award-winning filmmakers tell me about it we are now award-winning filmmakers congratulations tell me all about it so we did the nash-hour film project. So you had 48 hours to, you got your genre, and then you wrote it, you shot it, you edited it, and then you got it in Sunday night. So we did that, and we had our awards for it last night, and they had four screenings. Ours was in Group A, and it was fan voted, and each group, you got to vote for your top three favorite.

And so we won our group a award screening. Congratulations. Way to go everybody. Yeah, it was awesome. Look at this caliber of talent. Kelly knows when she's like, I don't know what's happening here. I'm going to hire the best. Well done, Kelly. I see what you did there. Congratulations, Sarah. That's awesome. Um, you guys were the heartbeats behind this thing. So very cool, man. I'm super thrilled for you. That's so rad. Two of the five of us have talent. Nate's pretty good too. Nate's pretty good. They're on the tubes.

What about me? You're getting there, Ben. You're getting there. I'm just kidding. Hey, you're better than I am. That's for sure. Let's go to Seth in Tampa. What's up, Seth?

Hey, good morning, John. How are you? I'm good, my Tampa. What's up, Seth? Hey, good morning, John. How are you? I'm good, my brother. What's up? Oh, kind of hoping for some guidance and some direction. I'm at a point in my life that, one, I never thought I'd be in, and two, I have no idea how to navigate through. So I was hoping for some help.

Cool, man. Pull up a seat, dude. What's up? So, short story. Recently got divorced. Was told, you know, we need to try a separation. And then about, so I moved out of the house and about two weeks later,

she told me she was filing for divorce. Why? What happened? What led to that? Honestly, I don't really know. I've asked several times. I was told there's, she was seeking a sense of independence. She's always been in relationships. She wants to do life on her own, grow on her own. There was, I was actually listening to the last caller and I can certainly relate to a lot of what you guys talked about. You know, there was a lot of things that we didn't discuss out of fear or afraid of stepping on others' toes.

So there was a lack of communication. I've been trying to wrap my head around what I could have done or what I did wrong. I don't necessarily know what I could have done better because at this point it doesn't really matter. But I'm just trying to learn from it. Can I tell you this um i think uh a friend my friend randy's pointed this out to me years ago and it stuck with me um i i applied for a job once also like he did and i was the

lone finalist and they went with nobody they just called and said it wasn't the right fit and i remember thinking good gosh they would rather have nobody than me that was worse than being one of three finalists and having them pick somebody else right because like that i don't fit whatever y'all chose nobody over me. Here's why I tell you that That is super painful It's one thing if you were abusive or you screwed up or you cheated on her and she's like i'm out of here Because then you can point to a thing It's harder when You are left in a wisp of smoke

And here's what I want to caution you against. I know we haven't even gotten to the end of the end of the call I want you to caution you against. I know we haven't even gotten to the end of the end of the call I want you to caution you against Trying to get inside her head and figure out why she did what she did The fact that she left your marriage and left you standing there and can't tell you why Is all you need to know about the caliber of person you're working with here It's a person who's entirely inward focused on themselves and themselves only all you need to know about the caliber of person you're working with here. It's a person who's entirely inward focused on themselves and themselves only.

And that's devastating and heartbreaking because she chose nothing over you. And that's hard. And you just got to grieve the crap out of it. Is that fair? Yes, sir. I've been trying to work through the grieving.

I've been allowing myself times throughout the day when it hits me to cry, get angry, and process this stuff. And I've been sticking close to my support group, and they've been awesome. I've also been isolating and eating, which is another side of it. It's, uh, I just, at this point, I feel like I've got, I no longer have a direction on what to do in life. Like just a quick backstory or whatever history is when we got together, um, we drank together heavily a lot. And then six years ago, you know, next month, God willing lot and then six years ago you know next month god willing i was six years sober we got sober so we've been you know ups and downs and have gotten through

the first years of writing it was very interesting in our household i bet Because, you know, both of us, you know, I can say I'm an alcoholic. And like I said, thank God, next month, God willing, I'll have six years sober. So I've had a lot of stuff to work through. And that's what I thought. If we could get through that kind of stuff, you know, we can get through anything. And those were the discussions that we had. And it was rough, but it seemed like everything had gotten better. And for a long time, I had alcohol as my distraction and whatever other substances. And then that went away.

And then I kind of had my wife as my distraction. I had my husband as my identity. And now that's been taken away. And it's like, I just, I feel lost. I feel like right now, and I'm in the process of trying to find a new home. So it's like to start a new life or start life over, I guess. And I just kind of feel like I'm in purgatory right now. Just kind of waiting in this in between. It's like,

I want to heal and move forward. Maybe I'm trying to rush it. I don't know, but it's like, I'm just so stuck without direction. I have no idea what I like to do. I don't know what. Yeah. So I'll, I'll tell you you this you're not going to like my answer but you're right where you need to be you're not crazy okay you're not crazy and you're not broken or dysfunctional or you aren't the guy whose wife walked out on him who's also wrestling with sobriety and who feels lost. You are surrounded by a cloud of witnesses, my brother, okay? You're not crazy. In these moments when everything feels like you feel completely untethered from every,

you are unhooked from love, you are unhooked from desire, you're unhooked from safety, you're unhooked from your ride or die, you're unhooked from love you are unhooked from desire you're unhooked from safety you're unhooked from your ride or die you're unhooked right yes you have opened your eyes up on the plains of kansas and your tribe left you okay these are actually the worst times to get existential because your body's in fight or flight. This is the best time to make a list, a very detailed list of little wins and get through every day. And what you're going to find is I will wake up at this time. I will go to work. I will exercise. I will go to my group. I will not miss a meeting. I don't care if you've not been in a while, I'm going to start going to meetings again. I will call my sponsor. I will eat somewhat reasonably. I will go shoot pool and hang out, whatever the thing is. And then that day's over. And then I'm going to get up and I'm going to do

it again. I'm going to get up and I'm going to do it again. And what you're going to find in 30 days, 60 days, 120 days is the light starts coming back on. What most people do is they sit in that, in that black hole and they wait for the light to come back on and it never does see what i'm saying yes sir i wish there was a way to think your way out of where you are and there's not you have to act and that's the worst when that black curtain falls, right? Yes, sir. And let me tell you this. Stop saying God willing. Don't drink.

Is that cool? Yes. I know that's part of the language, and I know that's part of the thing, but I want you just to say, I'm not drinking. Yeah. There's nothing worth it. Going back to that. No, dude. Miserable life.

No. You are not who you once were, man. So let me ask you this crazy, and I just said, don't get existential, but what, like, drop your shoulders for a second

and just like free flow with me for a minute. Like, who do you want to be? And not profession wise. I'm talking about like, you want to be a guy that laughs a lot. You want to be a guy that like people think is a, is a, is a hunk. You want to be a guy that can fix stuff. Like, who do you want to be? I mean, you kind of just nailed it right on the head. I mean, I just, I enjoy finally getting to a point where I enjoy life and, you know, I like riding motorcycles. I like

working on, uh, I don't know, engines and just doing stuff with my hands and yeah, it's nice being a sober, productive member of society. But beneath that, you know what's even nicer? Deciding what you want and deciding what you need and then going to make that happen. And when you are doing, if your needs are being met and you're doing things that you love, all of us in society benefit. What you've been doing for a long time, you nailed it on the head. You traded alcoholism for codependency. You traded alcohol addiction for love addiction.

Yes. And that's cool. I mean, it's a better addiction, right? It's at least, but it's exposing, right? You're vulnerable because now when love cuts themselves off from you or unplugs from you oh man you're back to you're back to day what is it what's the what's what's the death day is it day 15 day 16 um those first 30 days when you're like i can't make this and you're like going minute by minute remember those days that's where you are right now yes having to look at myself in the mirror and be okay with who's there.

No distractions. Yeah, man. That's the worst, man. Right? So, here's what we're going to do over time. We're going to build a life that includes joy, and we're going to build a life that includes love again, because you will. And you're going to build a life full of friends and community but not today okay today's about grief today's about

reconnecting with people and today's about doing today the best you can and tomorrow you can do tomorrow the best you can and for you it's going to be both. It's cool because you've walked this path before. And in some ways, it's like the person who lost 50 pounds and gained back 60, and now they're going on a diet again. It's so frustrating that you've got to walk this road again. But here you are. Is that fair? Yes, sir. It's just annoying that you got to do it again

But let me ask you this What alternative do you got? None I'm not going back to that Yes, sir Other life Can I ask you this? Are you a good man?

Yes You're a good guy? Yes You treat people well? Yes You tip well a good guy? Yes. You treat people well? Yes. You tip well at the restaurants? Yes. You pick up a toilet seat when you're in a public restroom?

With my shoe, yeah. Yeah, I don't care. Don't do it with your mouth. Yeah, don't do it with your hands, you weirdo. Yeah, do it with your feet. That's how I do it too. Yeah, man, you're a good guy. And when you look in the mirror

You don't have to be like I like you I don't always like myself But I do have to be honest and say I'm a good guy Doing the best I can With the hand that got dealt And now it's time to Play another way or learn a new thing Or to get a little bit better at this thing

But that starts with following a path man So what's tomorrow going to look like for you? Like lay it out for me. You're going to wake up and then what? Normal routine is just waking up, getting a cup of coffee and getting ready for work. After I've been getting back into the gym, so do that immediately after work before I get distracted with anything else.

Otherwise I'll talk myself out of it. Oh dude. Will you commit to not missing for 30 days straight? Yes. Promise? Yes. We have like 16 and a half listeners and I say half because I think somebody's got a kid that listens. So the accountability is not great, Seth, but you just told everybody for 30 days. And on the days that you don't go lift heavy, because you don't do that back to back, just go ride the bike for

10 minutes, do something, but just commit. I'm going to do something because I'm worth doing something or I'll go for a walk in my neighborhood, but I'm going to do something every day for 30 days. Is that fair? I can do that. Yes. Will you reach out to somebody every day for 30 days? Call a friend? Absolutely. Promise? Yes.

Are you back in meetings? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Actually, they have increased substantially. Absolutely. They should. Which has been a great thing.

Good. Dude, you are, I hate to tell you this, you are in the right place. And I know that doesn't, I hate to tell you that because it doesn't make the hurt go away right now. You're 100% right. You miss her, huh? Absolutely.

But I also, you know, the more I process process this and kind of like you had touched on earlier, it's like, you know, I had set expectations that, or, uh, maybe concepts or thoughts, you know, of the person who she is and, you know, people change and grow and, you know, my expectations aren't, weren't being met. And that's, um, you know, it's something grow. And, you know, my expectations weren't being met. And that's, you know, it's something I'm dealing with. But maybe she's not the person I thought. I don't know. I can't answer what's going on in her head.

It sounds clear to me that she's not who you thought she was. Yeah. Or that in the same way you didn't have the skills to articulate, here's what I need, here's what I want, here's what I'm missing here's where I'm scared, here's where I feel alone she didn't have those same skills either and

the demon beneath communication every marriage thing is like gotta communicate beneath that is feeling completely alone in a bed you share with somebody right and the human need for connection feeling completely alone in a bed you share with somebody. Right? And the human need for connection is too great.

It will be met somewhere or in some way. All I have to say is this. Stay out of her head. You're never going to get a clear answer. She may not have a clear answer as to why she felt like she had to go. Stay in your head and in the head of your friends and those who said i'll stick with you i'll keep riding with you seth which may be your meeting guys at your meeting by the way the meetings talking about this aa meetings um the guys that you're meeting or celebrate recovery meetings um the guys at your meetings your friends your counselor whoever that happens to be your

buddies at work whatever that looks like um ride with them i'd also recommend dude two things go to walmart this afternoon or walgreens or target or whatever buy a cheap little journal-y thing like i got here you should probably have one of those um if you've been doing a for a while and get a deck of cards like a like note cards it's like a dollar and just commit for 30 days i'm gonna write down here's what i'm gonna do today i'm gonna wake up and have coffee I'm going to write down. Here's what I'm going to do today. I'm going to wake up and have coffee. I'm going to meditate for one minute. I'm going to write five things I'm grateful for. I'm going to get to work five minutes early.

So I don't, I'm not rushed and crazy. I'm going to go to the gym, write those things down and mark them off. And all we're doing is we're winning every day. That's it. We're going to win the day and then go to the next, win the day,

go to the next. Is that fair? Yes, sir. Brother, I'm, I'm, win the day and then go to the next. Win the day, go to the next. Is that fair? Yes, sir. Brother, I'm heartbroken with you. I'm heartbroken with you. My promise is if you take care of the little days and you're honest about your feelings over the next five, six months, the light will come on so bright you'll laugh at how clear the path ahead is.

Okay? Just got to take care of the little days. We can do that. Is that cool? Yes, sir. Absolutely. Hey, I'm as proud of you as I've been anybody in a long, long time. Thank you. You're walking through life dragging a heavy sled behind you.

Pretty good. Pretty impressive. Is that fair? Yes, sir. Absolutely. Cool. Cool. At some point, if you take that sled off, you're going to walk free.

You're going to walk clear. You'll stand about six inches taller. That's not today. Today's a day to grieve and be sad and be with your brothers. Sorry, my man. Sorry. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make.

This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the homebuying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their Home Buyer Edge program will help you skip a bunch

of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash D'Loni and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back. Let's go to Madeline. Back to Kansas City. We're going to Kansas City, but on the Missouri side.

What's up, Madeline? Yes. Hey, how are you? You're like, don't, don't ever loot me with Kansas. Absolutely not. People think the Civil War is going to be between New York and LA. It's super not. It's going to be Missouri versus Kansas.

That's where it's going to start. Oh, 100%. Thanks for having me. Listen, don't fight Kansas. They're great. I love Kansas. All right. So what's up? So, um, I'm calling today cause, um, I was just curious navigating dating in 2022. Um, how do you balance contentment and singleness while longing for a life partner i'm an old married guy i don't know i know you tell me so i'm almost 30 years old and i've never dated what let me tell you how? It's just never presented itself. No, no. Why haven't you dated?

So I honestly have never been asked, but something I've struggled with is reaching out and trying to find connection, but often being met with rejection or ghosting. So it's like trying to initiate that just to even have basic connection and not even with the intent of like, I'm going to marry you, but just trying to, you know, become friends and be connected and have those relationships. But it's, it has just been, um, a dead end. I am just kind of in a rut and kind of lost. So I need some guidance. Yeah. I think beneath you, you're smiling while you're talking. Cause that's what you do. Um, I can hear it in you.

Yeah. It's a struggle. Like you got this thing duct taped together. Mm-hmm. Is that fair? Yes. So let me get behind the people just ghost me, behind the nobody's ever asked me, beneath all of that. Somebody told Madeline that Madeline's not worth hanging out with.

Madeline's not beautiful enough that anyone would ever kiss her. Nobody will find Madeline this or nobody will find Madeline that. What has, here's what I'm getting at. I see young kids that maniacally insert themselves into groups of people that they were not invited to because they're just reckless. They don't have any concept that they might not be valued or wanted. And then I look at, listen to you. You already have made me laugh.

You're super articulate. You're able to identify what you're going through and cover it up. Like you're clearly brilliant. How do you get there? but you are missing the people don't want me around? Right. Where does that come from? I don't know. I guess I've done some reflecting recently because I'm a huge fan of yours.

I'm reading through your book currently. I'm almost finished with it and it's just, it's phenomenal. Um, but I've just kind of been soaking up, you know, your stuff like a sponge and just trying to apply that. And I think reflecting back to like, I had kind of an uneasy childhood as far as like I have a phenomenal family great support system um but school age years I struggled with weight I still struggle with it a little bit um but that's always kind of been a piece I guess in it and I don't. I had a friend group. Is your struggle with appearance something that's been noted on you or is that something that you bring to a group

or bring to another person? It's something I just kind of keep inward. I don't really like to reflect it outward, but I guess maybe it does. I'm not sure. Let me say it this way. I'll give you an example from my life, okay? I dated somebody when I was in high school, somebody that was madly, wildly in love with. For all a 16-year-old or 18-year-old, I don't remember how old it was. Could be in love, right?

I don't know what that meant. But I was. And I'll never forget one time we were hanging out and we were holding hands and then she like on she loosened up her hand and ran it up to the inside of my arm and was holding the inside of my arm that that meant we were like you know like we're really close to babies right I mean like we're in love right right and she looked up at me and said, you would be so cute. And remember back when I was in school, cute meant smoking hot, right? She was like, you would be so cute if your teeth weren't so yellow. And so that was years ago.

That was a little bitty thing. To this day, I still smile with my mouth shut. I take pictures for a living, right? I'm being videoed right now and I smile with my mouth shut. I take pictures for a living, right? I'm being videoed right now and I smile with my mouth shut. And more importantly, I'm very awkward in person. And my wife pointed this out to me

a few times over our years together. She said, I'll walk into a situation and then I'll lean back. And I mumble because I keep my mouth closed all the time. But I talk so much that I just in this mumbling stream of... Here's the thing. All of that is my insecurity from a 16-year-old girlfriend. In reality, I got yellow teeth.

They're not sparkly white like my friend Rachel, my friend George. They open their mouth and it's blinding, right? I don't have that. I'm not that. Right. And I have taken my insecurity in that area and I just throw it like a cast net over everybody in my vicinity. And so I bring my insecurity to other people. And what my wife has told me is it's unnerving because people see you, John.

They see me and they think, that guy's cool. That guy does this. He's got a good job. He's like this. Why is he so weird around me? It must be me. And then they back up because they don't want to be the weird person. Okay.

See what I'm saying? Yeah. So it might not be you, the person who thinks that they don't look right or that they're not beautiful enough. And it might be, she acts super weird around me and i think she's pretty rad or she's hilarious or i think she's beautiful but i feel weird around her you see what i'm saying that's the difference between walking into a situation and saying i'm freaking madeline from missouri i deserve to be in every space i walk into and if you don't deserve to be in every space I walk into. And if you don't want to be in that space with my big smile and my whatever I look like, then you are free to go. And that's

on you, not on me. And that's a completely different composite than I have a crush on you and I want to date you, but I know that I'm not as pretty as I think I could be for you. And so I'm just going to try to get really small. See how different that is? Right. I'm sorry. Yeah. No, I, I, you, you've just articulated, I think a lot of emotions and like a little hamster wheel of thoughts in my, in my mind. So the best way off the hamster wheel is not more thinking, it's doing. Right. And that's the worst. It's the worst.

Yes. Right? So I'll tell you this story and then we can try to come up with a solution or a couple of solutions. We can't solve it. It would be dishonest and disingenuous of me to be like, all right,

here's how you date in the 21st century. I don't know. Here's what I do know. A buddy of mine got divorced a few years ago and we're out to lunch and I was kind of living vicariously through it. I was like, all right, dude, you're dating again. Like, what's it like?

I'll never forget. We were like in some burger joint in Texas and he takes and sets his food down and he wipes his mouth off and he leaned in across the table and he said, I don't care how bad it gets at your house, man. Never, never, never, never break up. You got to stay together, man. This is crazy out here. And I was like, what do you mean? He goes, it's insane.

Everybody's nuts. And he went on to explain, like, remember when you would meet somebody like at church or at a bar or something and you'd say hi and get their number. Now they call the police. If you do that, he goes, it's stalking. You can't do that. You have to follow them on the internets for a while. And anyway, he just is like a whole new planet opened up. So my first thought is to date in the 21st century, you should probably take a online programming class. Maybe that would help like interact with the internets. I don't know. Here's a more truthful answer. I think you need to practice being around people and catching yourself when you start to feel awkward or not a part of the group. Okay. And when you feel yourself begin to lean back,

when you feel yourself, I laugh too loud, I don't look good in this shirt, begin to really challenge those thoughts. Is this true? Could you stand to lose weight? Probably, possibly. I could, right? Is that the reason nobody loves you? No, it's not. Is that the reason why you're single no it's not okay okay there's something behind that that means you're gonna have to spend a season being weird and uncomfortable which is probably

the two things you spent your life avoiding being Being the weird one and the uncomfortable one. Is that fair? Yes. Okay. Expect rejection. Expect failure. Expect crash and burns. Expect to lean in and kiss somebody and then be like,

what are you doing? Or expect somebody to lean and kiss you and their breath is so bad, your eyebrows fall out. Expect all those things. Misreading signals. All of that. Okay. You've never done it, so you got to be graceful with yourself. And there are few people on the planet who have made more dating mistakes than I have. I was the worst at it. I was the most clueless moron. I just didn't see,

I just didn't. And I just kept getting back up and going again, mostly because I was too stupid to know any different. So when I say ask folks out, have a regular weekly gathering at your house with a couple of strangers or people from work or people from your local church or people from the Y, I don't care. Tell me what that does in your body. So I'm actually the friend of the friend group that loves hosting. I'm the one that craves the connection and wants to cultivate that and have people over and host and do the things. Okay. But, um, I guess maybe I do it in a safe manner. I do it with the people that I've known the longest and what I'm closest to, but... Are you going to date any of them? I don't...

No. So that's... Here's what that's like. That's like you going to a pond on your granddad's farm. And... Because I just assume everybody in Missouri has a farm. And you know there's no fish in there,

but that is the pond that makes you the most comfortable. And then you just cast your line in there and sit all day. And you're like, I'm terrible at fishing. Fish don't like me. That's not true. You just know that that's your, that's your ride or die group. That's not your romance group. Right.

Is that fair? Yes. So you gotta be weird. Okay. Where do we go to meet the people? Go first. Bring them to you. Bring them to you.

Invite five or six people from work over. And this is going to sound ridiculous, but what we're doing is we're practicing being awkward. Okay. We're practicing not overdoing it when it comes to, I'm trying to alter my appearance so that I can feel like I am fill in the blank. We're just going to be you. You're going to practice not cleaning up your house and making it look like it's an HGTV reveal. Every time somebody walks over to your house, you're going to practice feeling comfortable and loved in your own skin.

Okay. Is that fair? Yes, that's very fair. You called me out on the HGTV. But all that is, that's just makeup for your home. That's an extra large shirt to cover up your body for your home. That is saying no to something that you really want to go to because you just feel like you're not having a pretty day

and then blaming them for not calling you again after they've been rejected a few times by you. Is that fair? That's 100% fair. And, and, and, because I can hear the people

on the internet screaming too, you may have to address your health. And yes, that is, that has always been a priority and just a constant challenge for multiple issues. But that's something that's a priority for me. Make that priority because you're worth a life where your knees don't hurt and your back doesn't hurt and you don't have headaches all the time. Not to get somebody to sleep with you. You see the direction, the difference there? One is maniacal and pathological and chasing a moving target that you can never catch.

One is looking in the mirror and smiling. You see the mirror and smiling. Mm-hmm. You see the difference? Yes. Let's be healthy. Let's take care of ourselves. Let's be a good steward of our bodies because Madeline's worth a really fun, awesome life. Not because she wants to hook up with Dan.

Dan's the worst, Madeline. You don't want to date that guy anyway. Is that fair? Yes, it's fair. Okay. Become the best version of you you can be and just go be weird. Go be weird.

Okay. Listen, will you commit to being weird for the next 30, 45 days, inviting people over, setting up a thing. I'm going to send you all of the questions for humans cards I got. Oh my gosh.

Thank you so much. The kids packs, the adults packs, I'll send them all. Perfect. And I want you to use them, invite people over and say, hey, we're going to play these games. And if those games are lame, do another game. Just come over and play games or we're going to play Truth or Dare. we're going to play these games. And if those games are lame, do another game. Just come over and play games.

Or we're going to play Truth or Dare. We're going to play kid games. Whatever the thing is. Let's invite people over. And there's going to be people like, this sucks. You're weird. And there's going to be three or four people.

They're like, dude, that was the most fun I've had in a long time. And you're going to find your ride or dies. And they're going to bring a friend next time they come. And then they're going to bring cut there. That's, you're going to find your ride or dies and they're going to bring a friend next time they come and then they're going to bring somebody else. And then suddenly you're gonna look across the room and be like, there it is. See what I'm saying? But that's from the inside out, not the outside in. Okay. And if we come to Kansas, will you come to the show? Um, a hundred percent. I'm there. Oh my gosh. That's going to be incredible, dude. that's going to be incredible.

Dude, it's going to be a disco, Madeline. I can't even wait. It's not on the calendar, but I can't even wait. Hey, thank you for being brave, Madeline. I'm grateful for you. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here.

Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life.

Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. So I'm that guy today. I went to the killer show this weekend and can I just say this? If you have a chance to see the killers live in concert, I wish I'd taken my son with me. I wish I'd taken my wife with me. She She was gonna go and she didn't go at the last minute. So I ended up taking a buddy I've been smiling for the last four days it was such an event of joy and laughter and just happiness In that show the killers brandon flowers is a magician on stage one of the best front men i've ever seen

But i'm that guy because I'm wearing the shirt. Like, you went to the show last night. Yeah, I'm that guy. And so I thought they were going to bring a killer show in, a song in for the day. They didn't. They said I mentioned Kansas so much. And so I then thought, oh, you're going to bring Kansas song. And they hand me the Kansas theme song.

There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. The song is Over the Rainbow by Judy Garland. See what y'all did there. That's a deep cut. This is a deep Kansas cut. Well done. Over the Rainbow, and it goes like this.

Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, there's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby. Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true. Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me, where troubles melt like lemon drops away above the chimney tops. That's where you'll find me. Well, you'll find me right here on the internets and on the YouTubes on the Dr. John Deloney Show. See you soon.