The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?

Episode Date: March 28, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·      A woman wondering how to have a hard conversation with her sister ·      A nanny unsure of how to support the family she works for as they’re going through a difficult time ·      A young man questioning if it’s time to make a career change Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.  💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.  🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

How do I tell my sister that I don't think her husband is right for her? That is some thin-eyed sister, Veronica. Yes. So let me ask you, what's your ultimate goal for like a big conversation? You want her to leave them? What up? What's going on? This is John of the Dr. John Delaney show taking your calls on your marriages and your life and your brothers and sisters and kids and mental and emotional health whatever you got going on in your life. I don't

know very much but I know I can sit down with hurting people and listen, and just show up and we can together figure out what's the next right step. I've been doing this for over two decades, and it's one of my great honors when somebody calls and says, hey, the lights have gone out and I need a little bit of someone to hold a candle up

so I can figure out what's the next right move. If that's you give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. Real people going through real challenges all over the planet. It means the world to me if you will take one second hit the subscribe button or the clicks and just tell the Internet that you like the show and whatever way you know how to do that. I don't know how that works but if you would do that for the show I really appreciate it. It puts it up in the algorithms and it puts the show in front of more and more people. Thank you for blessing your neighbors. Alright let's go out to Morgantown West Virginia and

talk to Miss Veronica Mars. What's up, Veronica? Hello, Dr. John, how are you? I'm good, what's up? So I'll just get right into it. My question for you is, how do I tell my sister that I don't think her husband is right for her? Ooh, that is some thin-eyed sister, Veronica. Yes. So tell some thin ice sister Veronica. Yes. So tell me what's going on.

So I'll give you a little backstory. My sister has been with her husband since high school. I've known him for quite some time as well. We were all friends in high school and then beyond. But whenever they got engaged and then married, I felt like his true colors started to come out. What does that mean? So he started, in my opinion, to get really manipulative

emotionally with my sister, just different things that she would want. He would always find some way to say that, like convince her that she didn't want them. A small example in the past was she wanted this certain type of dog that she had growing up and he said, no, we can't have a dog right now. We don't have a big enough house. And then turned around and convinced her to get a Mastiff, which is a really large dog.

And that's just a little thing, but things like that over the years have piled up. And I feel like it's just getting worse and worse and worse. Tell me about your sister. So she's a really kind and caring person. She is the oldest of the three of us, so she's got that big sister energy about her. She has always gone to bat for me and my younger sister. She's also been like a guiding light for us, but her friends as well. She works as a nurse, she's very caring,

and she's a very devoted mother to her two children. And I feel like she stretches herself thin for everyone in her life and doesn't always get a lot in return, which is hard to see. Yes, and that's your entry point. I would be very careful, unless you are witnessing violence

or you're witnessing abuse, then of course I'm gonna throw myself right in the middle of it to protect people, right? If there's just a continued, this guy sucks, he's just lame, I don't like him. I want people to be careful, I want you to be careful about talking about how bad he is. Cause here's the thing, if she stays, if she stays with him, then you have driven a wedge between you two. Yes.

And you're making her choose between this guy and her sister. Don't do, don't, don't put her in that situation. The approach is, hey, I think you're worth more than the life you have right now. And I don't know if you can see it and you're smart and wise and beautiful. And maybe you're choosing this, but as your little sister, I just want you to tell you I think you're worth more than the life you have right now and I don't know if you can see it and you're smart and wise and beautiful and maybe you're choosing this, but as your little sister, I just want to tell you I love you and I see so much more like, what do you mean? And then you can

begin to lay out like, here's what I think you're worth. And then she's gonna have to make some grown up choices on her own. So let me ask you, what's your ultimate goal for the, for like a big conversation? You want her to leave him? See, I've debated this for quite some time. Or do you just want to be on record? Like what would your goal of the conversation be?

I guess just for her to realize that the treatment that she's been putting up with for quite some time isn't necessarily normal or All that she could have in a relationship. Do you think that she doesn't know that? I Think she tells herself that she is fine but I think she tells herself that she is fine. But there was an incident last year where it was the first time she had opened up to me about being upset with her husband. She unfortunately lost a baby at 20 weeks pregnant.

And yeah, it was really a challenging time for my whole family especially just to see just that level of loss and She You know took some time off of course for work and her husband did as well And she called me very upset one day and said that he had been staying up all night and playing video games and then sleeping all day and not being present with her. And she said, this is just how it always is.

And she kind of, that was the first time I had ever heard her speak ill against him. And I tried to be fair at that time because she was going through a lot. I didn't wanna overload her with all of my feelings towards her husband. But I said, you know, that's not what you need right now from a partner.

You know, you need more support than this whenever you're going through something this huge. And she agreed, and I thought maybe that would be the catalyst for some change to happen, but then things went right back to the way they always are in their relationship. And I do recognize I'm not there all the time. And I have seen really good qualities in him,

but it just seems like there's more and more and more disappointment, um, that my sister faces. And it's just, it's really, really hard to watch. And maybe the bravest thing you can do is not throw a grenade in their living room. Maybe the bravest thing you can do is not throw a grenade in their living room. Maybe the bravest thing you can do is to put up your own boundaries. For instance, I see this and I'm going to choose to not be around him anymore. I know that's hard for both of us. But when I think back to the way my husband treats me through these things, that's the

kind of man I want to be around. And I can't be around your husband when he's ignoring you and playing video games. I can't be around him when he's making jokes and swearing. I don't know what he does around you guys. Part of it sounds like a guy who's grown into a man who doesn't have any tools. I hear a lot, I don't know many young husbands who know how to grieve the loss of

a pregnancy. That makes sense. And some go to work like crazy and some play video games and crash and sleep. That's called some, some, and some places called depression. Some getting fights, right? And some have a roadmap for how to deal with a grieving partner because of something happened in their life growing up or something, right? Or they have some friends who reach out and say, hey, here's what has to happen next. And so some of it might be he's just immature and doesn't have a good roadmap.

And that's why I always want to be careful because if your sister is struggling and she has never said, hey, here's what I need right now, she's got to take some ownership of that too. And maybe she is like being very clear and he's like, yeah, I don't really care about that. And that's why, like I say, throwing a grenade in the middle of this, if he's just kind of a bum or just kind of a man child

or just kind of like, he doesn't know, maybe it's you telling your sister, I feel like I wanna talk to him. I mean, I'm just throwing things out there. I just know, don't do that. I take that back. Don't do that. I guess I want you to go back to what your goals are.

If your goal is to break up the marriage or your goal is to plant some seeds so that she breaks up this marriage, I would tell you to be very cautious about that. If your goal is to, I want to make sure I'm heard, knock your lights out, but every time that's somebody's goal that always comes with consequences. And if you're okay with the consequences, cool. If your goal is for your sister to recognize that she is worth more than the life she's

living right now, then that's a totally different conversation. That's less about how much her husband is leaving things to be desired. And it's more about teaching her how to advocate for herself, teaching her how to speak up, teaching her that she doesn't have to work so much, helping her with budgets, like things like that, that have some real world, what's the right word, confidence building tools, right? Yeah. So I feel like that would be the better avenue to go down.

I think so. And maybe you sit down and say, Hey, I can't get that conversation we had in a year ago. I can't get that conversation we had in a year ago. I can't get it out of my mind. And I feel like our whole life, you as big sister had that maternal energy, you took care of us and I just need to flip it around. And I'm feeling the need to take care of you because I'm watching my big sister kind of wither away

and you were a hilarious, fun, powerful, strong, whatever adjectives describe her, but I'm just kind of watching the life drain out of you. And I want you to know I see you and I see you kind of just slowly, and I think your husband's a goof. I think he's a nerd. Whatever word you want to use, I don't care.

You're talking to your sister, you can kind of say what you want. But how can I love you in this season? And I think that's just a place to start. And for everybody listening, you can say what you want. But how can I love you in this season? And I think that's just a place to start. And for everybody listening, just know there's a before and after you sit down and say, I think your husband or wife is the worst. I think you should leave them.

I think they shouldn't have done what they did. I think you deserve this and this and they can't provide that. Just know there's a before and after because if say, if they stay, they will always know what you said about their spouse. If they choose to heal things inside their home,

you're not there every day like you mentioned, like Veronica just mentioned, you're not there every day. So you're on the outside of that coming together and you'll always be on the outside of that coming together. So unless there is a, I need to blow this thing up right now because somebody's getting hurt, somebody's, there's infidelity and we know about it

and we're just calling it, just be careful before you throw that grenade because that blast radius usually gets everybody. Thank you for the call, Veronica. Just ask yourself, what is my goal of this conversation? To blow up a marriage or to help my sister have a better life? And sometimes the answer to those two things are radically different.

We'll be right back. Let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's officially Lent, which are the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter. And Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things and they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering prayer and meditation. Right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called The Way.

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What's up? I wanted to ask your advice on something. My question is, how can I support a family in crisis while balancing my own priorities? Tell me more. So I am a nanny. I take care of two children. I've been with this current family for a little over two and a half years. And they, the parents are going through some marital issues.

The dad has been inconsistent, um, with his presence. He kind of left abruptly a few weeks ago and, um, the mom and I are just kind of picking up the pieces and trying to manage the household without him. Um, even though he was primary caregiver of the children when I'm not there and handled so much. So Marie, already your language is making me get squirmy. Yeah. How old are you?

I'm 25. 25, okay. You have taken on a ton of responsibility for this workplace. Yeah. And I know being a nanny is a different level of like you become part of the family, right? I get that. In a way. And also you're an employee.

Yeah, it's tricky to navigate sometimes. Yes. So I'm going to take a crass approach. Let's take nanny off the table. Let's say you worked at a local gas station. Yeah. Yeah, it's it's tricky to navigate sometimes. Yes. So I'm going to take a crass approach Um, let's take nanny off the table. Let's say you worked at a local gas station And the two assistant managers one of them just like quit showing up all the time Would you feel the need to do the assistant manager job?

And to fill that role for the same pay, even though that's not your job, it's not your job description, even though you can't affect anything that's going on between the two assistant managers. I probably wouldn't. I know. And my guess is this is impacting your home life too, right? Yes. Yes.

I actually just got married in December. Oh, yikes. How's that going at home? It's been great. I have a lovely husband. I can't say anything negative about him. No, no, no. I'm going to talk about that.

Yeah, I assume your marriage is great. I'm saying working all day for a family that's falling apart while trying to start your own has to be challenging. Very challenging. Yeah, I definitely felt burnt out these past few weeks, taking on the extra responsibilities. And it's just left me with nothing to come home with. My husband has been, you know, taking on a lot of those responsibilities

that were mine at home as a result. So go a year down the road. What's the long-term, what's your long-term vision for this arrangement? Um, the language I hear you using is you are the pseudo father of this household. Now. Oh, yikes. I don't want to be. I know.

But that means you have to have professional boundaries. And so when mom says, oh my gosh, my husband's abandoning us, I need you to ABCDEFG and give you a whole bunch of new stuff. You have to understand essentially your contract is being renegotiated live. Right. Right. And you get to as an employee say that's not what I signed up for or I don't have capacity for that new job. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So I did try to bring this up to her recently this past Friday and it a lot of emotions came up on her ends Initially, she said well, you know, I just need someone here that can that can handle it that can help me out I need help more than ever

and just really Putting that pressure on me Making me feel like if I you know speak up up on what's troubling me, feeling burnt out too much, then I could lose my position. She'll just replace me with someone who's willing to just do it. You know, work full time, overtime, no break, like I have been for the past few weeks. So for whatever it's worth to you, Marie, your supervisor, your boss, your leader, whatever you want to call her changed your business arrangement.

And I know it gets messy because there's kids involved and you love those kids and you pick them up and you take them to eat and you'll laugh and you play and you fold their underwear. I get all that. And you're not a doormat either. And if she thinks so little of you that you saying out loud, hey, you changed our business arrangement, I want to talk about it and I've got a new marriage that she looks at you and says, I'll just replace you, then you've learned all you need to know about your place of employment. And for whatever it's worth, I hate that she's treating you like this.

Yeah. Well, I know it's not her intention, but I feel like she's been put in a tough spot. But people put in tough spot can still treat the people around them with dignity and respect and kindness. Even if it's taking you out to coffee saying, hey, obviously my life just blew up. I'm going to need some extra help. I want to offer you to fill that gap. I'm going to pay you this much more.

I'm going to do X, Y, and Z. I need that. That's how people of integrity handle things. That's the owner of the gas station calling you and saying, you're a great employee. The assistant manager's a flake and I need some extra help. Here's what I can do. Are you interested? Not looking at you saying, if you don't do all this extra work for the same money and absorb everything from a missing father, then you're somehow disloyal to me.

I'm going gonna replace you. That's lame, that's just lame, dude. It's just, it's dishonoring. Are those the kids in the background? They are, yes. I haven't had much of a break these past few weeks, that I'm sorry. No's, I'm sorry. No, don't be sorry.

I, it just, it gives a re, I'm glad this is, I'm glad I can hear that. It provides a reality for the world you're in. You can't even make a phone call. Yeah. So for whatever it's worth, Maria's not okay. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I know there's that people pleaser tendency in me to just grit and bear it and I have my faith to fall back on.

I don't feel like I'm going to break, but it is difficult. And it does make me wonder if I really need to be in this situation. I had feelings even before this happened, even before he left that it was starting to become an unhealthy work environment, not really being appreciated the way I feel like I should. But you know, really can't. And your answer has been confirmed. I'm not appreciated the way I feel like I should, but.

And your answer has been confirmed. Yeah, I guess so. I guess so. Completely and totally. The fact that there wasn't a sit down with you, like, oh my gosh, I can't do this, I'm so grateful for you. I understand my world just blew up. I don't want it to blow up yours, too

Here's my new reality. That's just how you treat somebody in the middle of a mess Yeah, yeah, I feel like I She's had to lean on me for emotional support a bit in this situation So you're a nanny slash therapist slash housekeeper now slash husband. That's too much, right? It's a bit much. Yeah. So I guess what I would tell you is you're free to go.

You're free to go. You're free to be really sad. You're free to be heartbroken that you gave everything to this family for two and a half years and they treated you so disposably. You're free to go find another family that's going to honor you. I hear, I don't have a nanny, I've got some colleagues that do, and I hear how much they honor their nannies and how they talk about them and how they take care of them. And this just isn't that.

This kind of just oogs me out actually. Because you can't replace their husband. Let's just be honest, you can't. You can't replace her lost husband. You can't replace these kids dad. You can't. And to even assume you can is just dishonoring. So I'm so sorry you're going through this sister, but if my word means anything, you're free to go and I'd recommend you take

that skill set and that loyalty and that honor and take it to a family that it's gonna honor and respect you back. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. Alright, let's talk about Delete Me, my go-. Thanks for the call, we'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Delete Me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Don't skip past this. Listen, we all know that we live on the Internets these days.

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Get protected with DeleteMe today and get 20% off all DeleteMe plans. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month Go to join delete me comm slash deloni. That's Jo in join delete me comm slash deloni All right, let's go out north of Oklahoma to Alberta Canada and talk to Theo. What's up Theo? Hey, dr. John. how's it going today? Doing great brother, what's up with you? Oh, just living the dream.

Oh yeah. Anytime somebody says they're living the dream, they're for sure not. Oh, it's the nightmare, I'll tell you what. Oh man, okay, so what's going on dude? All right, so just to jump in with my question, how do I know if I'm ready to move on from my career as a lawyer and find a new career path?

I mean, I can hear it all over you. The answer is yes. What do you want to do? I really don't know. So I mean, just for a little bit of background context, you know, I'm 26. I'm a couple of years into practice and basically what I've been doing is about 95% family litigation. So, it's pretty heavy stuff. Whoo, that'll take your soul from you. Yeah. That'll beat you up, man. I mean, like I've, yeah, and I've wanted to be a, you know, I've, I don't know, I'm one of those jerks who's always known their career path right from day one. Like I knew I wanted to be a lawyer since I was 10 years old. So now I'm just kind of at this, I don't know, crisis or turning point where I just, you know, my

whole life has flipped upside down and I just don't know where to go from here. Yeah. So I'm assuming you're calling. I've spent a lot of my career. I've studied the mental health of attorneys. I spent a lot of years with pre-service attorneys and with lawyers. My gut tells me you're not through with the profession. My gut tells me that you are a couple years into the realities of it, which means you're going to have to begin taking care of yourself and your external relationships outside of the practice of law more seriously so that you can repel in and do this challenging work that is family law. And my guess is if you have known you want to be a lawyer since you were young, you've probably done pretty good in school. You've probably been pretty likable.

You've probably been able to kind of navigate your own path. And most young attorneys, when they hit the wall that is daily practice and the way my friend, it's secondary traumatic stress, the way stress and trauma accumulates on you, they're unprepared psychologically for Having to go do some other things so they can get their job done because they've always just been able to knock their job out of the park So tell me about your outside of the practice life So I'm in a little bit of a weird situation for my practice like it's definitely not what you know You typically see on TV or anything like that. I'm with a rural firm so we've only got four

lawyers at the firm right now including me and you know we you know I've got a really phenomenal relationship with my wife so we try and spend as much time outside of work as we can. I, you know, sit on some boards, just kind of advising them on how to do stuff. I've got some really fun, exciting, you know, business stuff coming up on the side that I'm really hoping to kind of dig into a little bit deeper. You know, just like you, I play guitar, so love, you know, the musical side of things is creative outlet. And it's not a case where I'm necessarily working,

you know, those 70, 80 hours a week that you see in those big law firms. Like I'm still working the, you know, eight degree to four 30, and then putting in extra hours on evenings and weekends where required. But, you know, I've got a really strong support system at home. My family lives really close to me. I've got an amazing group of guys and other friends

that I can be really vulnerable and open with and not be afraid to share my feelings with. So where's your crisis coming from? Let's make a new question if I want to do this anymore. It's really just the environment itself. Like I love the substance of what I'm doing. Like I love reading cases, I love doing research. I love being in court and getting,

arguing in front of a judge. It's just just everything else the noise that comes with it. That's been really hard to deal with it's pull it apart for me I specific what's the what's the other noise? Yeah parents. Yeah, but I see no kids watching kids sob every I'm just running through some things Is it? Watching parents weaponize their children? Is it having to depose a six-year-old? I mean, what is it about this job that is wearing you out? I think it's just the adversarial nature of it.

It's waking up every morning to a million emails in my inbox for its clients getting mad at me. It's other lawyers getting mad at me. It's me having to deliver news to multiple people on a daily basis. It's, you know, I very recently lost a lot of faith in just the system in general of just really, you know, decisions being made by judges

that make absolutely no sense and having to wait years to get into courts to get any sort of resolution for clients and knowing that, you know, they're just, you know, they're scraping by on a day-to-day basis, just not being able to deal with their issues and just not being able to help people. And just generally generally like the thing

that's frustrating me the most or struggling that I'm struggling with the most is just how everybody's so unhappy all the time. Yeah. So I think you know that you're out when making the shift from, I'm gonna change the system to, I'm gonna be a light inside the system. And nurses, physicians, insurance salesmen,

attorneys, pastors, the ones that survive, that make it have two things. One, a robust life outside of the practice. Sounds like you've got that. I would challenge you on how much you're actually doing things that are fun. You got a lot of business stuff, a lot of, it's just sounds like work and work and work and work.

And I want you to challenge yourself and ask yourself, is the only fun you have with just your wife, because one person can't carry that. But if you've got a group of guys, you'll hang out, you'll go do fun stuff, you're in a band, you play music, you're active in your local community,

maybe taking some time off some boards is an important thing, because going from work to work to work and then having to do more work and then do more work, maybe it's just like, did I need to take a break? I had to do that. I had to do that. Quit being on all the boards and quit signing up for all these volunteer opportunities just because my main thing I had to show up in. The second thing that people in those positions do allows them to keep going is they make peace with

the old starfish analogy. Do you know that story? It's the old guy was walking along the beach and a thousand starfish had been washed up on shore and he just started picking one up and throwing it out. And then he'd walk a little further and pick another one and throw it back out. And another fisherman walked by him and said, you're wasting your time.

It doesn't matter. And he said to that one, it did. And if you can make that switch, pastors can make that switch, nurses and doctors, I can't change the whole system, but I can make sure I treat this one person with dignity and respect. And I can't make people who are miserable in mass be happy,

but I can learn how to tell this person really bad news in an honorable way. And so you have drawn out of me, I've never said this publicly, but the reason I say I'll sit with you is because I've learned over the last 20 years I can't fix much anything. I can't fix the system. I can't fix the way people treat their spouses. I can't fix pornography on everybody's phone. I can't fix every teenager in the world with Snapchat because their parents don't care about them.

I can't fix any of that. I'll sit with you and I'll light your cigarette with you and For whatever reason when I made that switch I realized I can do this forever And so if you at 26 you're just having that existential crisis everybody in the helping profession has if you choose All right, that's gonna be that's to be my story is that I sit with hurting people. That's what I do. I'm going to learn how to do that really well. If that's what you want to do, then awesome. If you also decide, dude, I just want to run businesses.

I don't want to live in the messy goo of everybody's life. I want to start businesses. I want to do transactions. I want to do contracts. Then begin making that shift. Maybe accelerate some of your side businesses and some business opportunities you have and begin to make that move over the next year or two. Right. But yeah, you trying to carry it all plus the system plus the existential dread that your neighbors, I mean, that's just too much. Nobody can carry all that. Not to mention reading the news every day, scrolling social media.

I mean, there was probably a decade plus that I didn't, I refused to watch any news at all. Zero, none. I didn't have social media until I got this job that I'm in right now. And even now it's just a tool. I don't use it very often because I can't handle it. I can't carry all that and be able to show up for hurting people. Right. Right. So I actually am going on stress leave at the end of the week here. So indefinite, I've, you know've just been in the process of transitioning all of my files to other lawyers.

And I've got a solid plan on how to- What is stress leave? I've never heard of that. Right, so basically it's just, I'm completely off work for a while. I've got a really good relationship with my firm where they said, take all the time that you need to get yourself right. You know,

I'm working with a therapist right now to, you know, work through all like past traumas in my life. That's really affecting my day to day and, you know, helping people. Um, so basically I'm off of work. I'm all my files are being taken care of by other lawyers and I'm just taking, you know, going back to the farm for a little bit and figuring out if I do want to return. So there's no real set end dates as to whether or not I will return to practice.

So does this give you a piece or does this give you angst? Honestly, it gives me peace in the sense that you know, I'm really relieved that you know, I don't have to deal with a lot of these files that have gotten really ugly. How are you going to eat? Sorry? Are they going to keep paying you? The firm isn't, but I've got other jobs already lined up. Like I'll be working out on the farm and I've got a few other things lined up

that are nowhere near as stressful as this job. All right, so do a thought experiment with me. You get off this call and you ask to see the principal. What do you call your boss? The chief partner? I know which I know every firms got different names yeah we'll just call them the partners yeah that you walk in and you say hey I'm really grateful you've been working through this with me I'm gonna go ahead and submit my resignation mm-hmm

practice that with me I'm just saying that, um, Hey, you know, it's been really great working with you guys. I appreciate all the opportunities and everything that you've given me over the last couple of years. Uh, but I need to test tender my resignation and move on. There it is. That was the exhales looking for. Does that give you peace? Peace, sadness, I don't know, a lot of emotions. It's been embarrassing to think about honestly.

Yeah. There's not something wrong with you if you don't like watching people who abuse their kids get to keep them while somebody who's a loving parent doesn't. It doesn't make you broken that a judge doesn't even read your brief about what's going on inside of a house and makes a ruling because they're either too lazy or they're too overworked to even read it and you're not crazy if you don't like it when you have to call a mom and say I'm so sorry but your quasi abusive abusive husband just got 50% custody and she screams at you and says you told me you could get it for you told me you could keep my kids safe

You're not crazy if you don't like that Okay, yep, do you have a rough family go growing up or is your family pretty amazing? I'd say like 80, 85% really good. I didn't get along with my mom in high school and that's kind of one of the breakthroughs I had in therapy not that long ago is that, when I have a client screaming at me, I don't see them as my client,

I see them as my mom telling me that I made a mistake and I just wasn't allowed to make mistakes. There you go. So maybe working through some of that. I guess what I would tell you is whatever decision you make, neither of these decisions will be easy, they'll both be hard. So you're just going to be choosing your heart. Choosing to put a period at the end of a lifelong dream that once you finally got it, you realize this isn't for me. And

by the way, my friend Lane Norton is a professional weightlifter. I can't hold up the weight he can hold up. That doesn't mean I'm less than or somehow weak. I mean, I am weaker than him like physically, but like, I'm not somehow less of a person. I just can't I can't carry that And I remember my wife early on when I was dealing with a car wreck like I saw a car wreck I pulled the car over she hopped in the driver's seat. I ran out in the middle of the road. She drove home I got a ride home and She's like, I don't know how you carry that. And I was like, I don't either, just kind of can. And so just because you can't carry that level of weight

and angst and hate and evil, that doesn't mean something's wrong with you. That means it's just not for you. And for you who's dreamed of this moment for your whole life, that's gonna be the death of a dream. You're gonna have to grieve it, it's gonna be sad. And you're gonna feel lost. And you probably like telling people I'm an attorney, right? That feels good.

Yeah, it's a great feeling. Yes. Different than telling people I'm a farmer. And if you grew up in a farming family, you were the one that made it, right? Yeah. Yeah. And if you thought your mom thought you made mistakes in high school, I can't wait till she gets ahold of this one, right? All that stuff is going to be there and real. And maybe when counseling, you find out you've been living somebody else's dream all this time.

Maybe, or maybe you take a break, but... I guess the piece I can give you at the end of the day is what you're doing is hard and you're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you, but your clients do need a whole and well you to show up and fight for. The second thing is if you take a break from the practice of law, your license doesn't go away, your skills don't go away. And maybe you take six months or a year or two years and you resign and you let the practice

move on and then you reemerge somewhere else. Do a different kind of law or a different kind of business. And maybe one day you come back to family law when you got some wisdom, you got a little more strength, get a little more calluses on your heart and soul and you say, nah, I can go back in. So I wouldn't sign off on the death of this dream. It may be not right now. Right. Yeah. Well, how will I know if I'm ready to go back then? I think anybody who tells you here's the three points that you'll know you're

ready to go back, is lying to you. Right. The best way I can tell you is when you decide I'm going to go back, your heart rate doesn't go up. I've been doing this forever and when somebody says, hey, you blew it or you're the worst or somebody you associate with is evil and I can't believe, I still hurts my feelings, dude. It still does. But it doesn't set my body off. Do you get the difference? Right.

It makes me sad, it bums me out, but it doesn't paralyze me anymore. And a lot of that's my trauma counseling. A lot of that is just doing this over and over again. And then a lot of it is, I've worked really hard to be well outside of this profession, outside of the helping others profession.

My marriage is strong. My kids and my relationship is good. I've got great, great friends. I've got a bunch of wackadoo hobbies. And so all those things keep me whole. My faith is strong so that I can go back in and do this really hard work, which is sit with people in their worst moments.

And so I never want to when somebody calls and says, Hey, so and so's child just passed. Would you be willing to go talk to him? I never want to do that. The thing I want is their kid to still be alive. The thing I want is their husband to not have left. But it doesn't set my body off. It doesn't make me go to fight or flight. I can exhale and head right in.

And that's how you'll know. And by the way, I want you to ask a question maybe you've never asked before. What do you want to do? Not so much what can you do? What do you have to do? What do you want to do? These other businesses excite you? Chase them down.

If farming is awesome, be a farmer, dude. You've proven what you need to prove. You got through law school, which is hard enough. Now ask yourself at 26, what I want to do? What I want to do? That's a question that very, very few of us get to ask. Thanks for the call, my brother. I wish you the absolute best.

We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Listen, right now, BetterHelp is offering the biggest discount I've ever seen. 90% off your first week, now through March 31st. Listen, you heard me say this a thousand times, you're worth being well. And I believe that therapy can help. So if you've been on the fence, this is your chance to try therapy for a fraction of the cost, 90% off your first week.

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your first week of therapy now through March 31st, 2025. This is the biggest discount we've ever offered on this show. 90% off your first week. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get started. That's betterhelp, h-e-l-p dot com slash deloney. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? Let it rip. All right. So this is from Lisa in Washington. And she says, am I the problem? My boyfriend of six years puts his ex's birthday on the calendar. Oh no. The first time I noticed it, we were about two years into our relationship and I told him that it bothered me. His excuse was that it's the mother of his children and he wants

a civil relationship with her. All right. Well, that's different. Lead with that. Well, let me finish reading before you make a judgment. How about that? I'm an interrupter, sorry, I'm judging. The kids are grown adults now. I'm back on her side. And he still puts it on his calendar each year,

even though he knows it bothers me. Am I unreasonable to ask him to remove it again? No, I don't think so. I don't know. What do you think? I'm just annoyed by this whole thing. Yeah, honestly, I've no, I had no idea how to answer that one because I can come at it from both directions of part of me thinks it's still the mother of his children.

It's still somebody that was in his life. You know, a very important part of his life. But also I can see it bothering her, but then I always think, why does it bother you? Are you insecure about it? Yeah. I think there's something below that. This feels like there's a level deeper because when you marry or get into a relationship with somebody, you're in a relationship with their kids, their ex, the whole nine yards.

But also, do you have to put it on the freaking family shared calendar? Yeah, maybe just- Don't be a box of buttholes. Why do you have to do that? I mean, come on. Put on your phone. Is that worse though if she finds that out? I probably, probably, but I mean, there's this like, a girlfriend of mine back in high school

had a birthday one day either before after my not forgotten now. It would be weird for me to not remember that because it was literally one birthday off and we dated for a long time. It would also be weird for me to put that on, because it was literally one birthday off and we dated for a long time. It would also be weird for me to put that on the family calendar that I share with my wife. Right, but it's not the mother of your children.

Correct, that you know, I'm just kidding. No, plot twist. Nope. But see, to me, that's where things change. It's different. Like my ex-husband, I know his birthday. It's just so many years it was in my brain. I know what it is.

No, it's not on our calendar, but we don't have shared children or anything like that. Yeah. And so I guess, I want to tell both of them, stop. Both of you stop. You stop, you've been with this person for six years that you knew going into this deal that the person you're with had a whole other life,

married, kids, all this stuff. Stop. If it's on the calendar and you feel your heart rate going, quit, stop. Either accept this relationship or move on. And then the other side, I never, ever, ever advocate for keeping secrets.

But if you don't have it down by now and you need to put on the family calendar, that feels like a move to me for some reason. It just feels like I'm putting it a little bing. And I wonder if that might be the root of the insecurity because there's a little bit of bing and ding and oh, my ex-wife loved this band. Or this is the song that me and my, if there's some of that nonsense, then this is just like a tip of the iceberg. It's a a it's a bigger issue. Unless I can see is it is he still reaching out to his adult children like hey don't forget

your mom's birthday is coming up and you know and then it's fine if there's no other issues and this is solely the only thing. Yes. Then maybe just let that go. Oh my gosh let it go and I guess this begs a second question do you still reach out to your ex to say happy birthday after your kids are grown and left the house? I think that's... I don't think so.

Not necessarily. No, I mean, I don't think so. I guess it depends on your relationship. Right. I mean, if she said they have a great relationship, maybe just be glad they have a good relationship and let it go. But I think it comes back to what you just said. Is this the absolute only thing or is there still these little connections

and little things he says and does that make you think that there's still something there or whatever besides their children? But if this is the absolute only thing, is it a big deal? As the great Taylor Swift said, shake it off. I don't know. This just feels like there's a deeper conversation that needs to happen. I personally relish the idea of forgetting my ex's birthday. We're going to take it off the calendar always and forever.

Yeah. I feel like this is one of the rare, am I the problems that there's something else going on if there's not Both of y'all be adults and no, it's that I don't care what anybody says It will always be weird to see somebody else married to my spouse That little asterisk like happy birthday Janet like that's always gonna be a little bit weird, but also get over it But I want to ask the deeper question. That wasn't a great answer. I feel like I let down America.

America's not listening to this. Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Bye.