The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do I Find My Own Identity After a Divorce?

Episode Date: May 24, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A woman unsure of who she is now that she’s divorced - A husband worried about his unstable wife - A bride-to-be who wishes her fiancé had more supportive friends Enter the Ramsey Cash Giveaway here Shop the $10 Sale here Learn more about the Midwest Innocence Project here. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. So I've been going through a divorce. Oh, I'm sorry. Kind of since January. It still hasn't finalized. Man, this thing is tough. When I say it's tough, it's like, unlike something I've ever been through before.

Unfortunately, you know, he did get physical with me. Yo, yo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Literally the greatest mental health and marriage podcast that has ever existed in human experience. So glad that you're with us. We're talking marriage, we're talking parenting, we we're talking dating relationships, whatever you got going on in your life Um, we're here to walk alongside you and i'm not always gonna have the right answers But i'll do my best and my promise is i'll tell the truth and i'll sit with you and we will figure this thing out If you want to be on this show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 It's 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com

slash ask, A-S-K. And if you will take two seconds out of your life and hit the subscribe button or the like button or whatever thumbs up-y thing, the internet, whatever the internet.

Just tell the internet that you like us. That'd be awesome. And that you ride or die with us. That would be fantastic. I've been out sick and I am super happy to be back, man. Like a toddler,

I had an ear infection. What is that? I don't think that's what I had. I think I had something that was terrible, but they told me it was an ear infection. So there you go. All right, let's go to Shirley in Tampa, Florida. What's up, Shirley? How are you? Partying. What's up, Shirley? How are you?

Partying. What are you up to? Nothing. Just here on my early lunch break to do this call. Early lunch break? It's like a late breakfast at best. Good for you. Yeah, kind of, basically.

When does your shift start? I start at 8 a.m. That is unacceptable. You need a new job. All right. So what's up? What's up? All right. So, um, so I've been going through a divorce, um, kind of since January, um, still isn't finalized. Uh, we'll be finalized towards the beginning of July, but, um, man, this thing is tough. When I say it's tough, it's like, I'm like something I've ever been through before. And it's definitely taught me a lot about myself, but it's also put a lot into perspective

for just many things that I'm coming to realize. Not like, like I said, like emotionally, mentally, and even financially, like relying on this person for so long that once that was gone, I completely went into a survival mode, if that makes sense. Of course. Yeah. If you had done anything less than going to survival mode, there'd be something, you wouldn't be operating right.

So good for you. That was exactly the right thing for you and your body. What happened? So him and I were about, we were together for six years. Um, we did do long distance for four years. Uh, I actually lived in Nebraska and, um, I met him in Vegas. That's also a very long story. Way to go Shirley. All good choices come out of Vegas marriages.

I met him in Vegas, but he shortly moved here back to Florida and I was doing college in Nebraska. So I had to wait it out because I had a full ride. So I ended up moving here, COVID of 2020. And, you know, just, I think for just coming into the relationship, like from a honeymoon phase to being around each other and never living with each other was just like a completely 180 for both of us. You say that like you're surprised. Like, man, we played lovers on the internet for four years,

but then when we got around each other, it was weird. Yes, really, of, it was weird. Yes, really. Of course it's weird. So it sounds like after y'all got together, it didn't last long. No. So, I mean, we held it out together for about three years, but it kind of just recently ended. So Christmas of this year, past year, um, unfortunately, you know,

he did get physical with me. Um, so I can't lie and say that was the first time he got physical with me, you know? So what was it, what was it about this time that you said that's enough? Um, it's funny and I don't want to say it's funny because even then I still didn't want to walk away. Um, it wasn't until, you know, like his family kind of got involved cause it was around his family. Um, so that was kind of like the straw that broke the camel's back. It was like, okay, what are we doing here? So we had talked about it after it all had happened,

and we were like, okay. Because we actually did not get married until this past October. So we were only married for about three months. A few months. Well, it would be a very rare relationship that there's that kind of physical abuse. When I say that kind, I mean repetitive.

It happens more than just one time. It's so egregious that the person's family gets involved and probably in defense of you, that there isn't all sorts of other abuse or all sorts of other really taking your soul from you and putting it in a box and putting that and burying it in the backyard. You know what I'm saying? Like you,

it's very common to lose all of you. Yeah, definitely. I mean, when that kind of just, when they got involved, it was like a really like a, a step back.

And that's when we kind of both sat down and said, okay, well now we're married. Like, should we try marriage counseling? Should we, he should try not hitting you try something. Yeah, definitely. Um, that's the thing. So what's your question? How can I help you? So my question here is I'm, I'm just having a very hard time forgiving him. Walk away. Walk away.

Walk away. Walk away. Walk away. Yeah. What you're hoping to do is you're hoping to try to make this thing right, and you can't. Yeah. And. Yeah.

I think I'm trying to keep like you said you know walking away and taking control it matters in my own hands and why does that who told you and this is a long pull through narrative in your life I would be willing to bet money

that you are not good enough or smart enough or strong enough to do things on your own for a while who told you that because it's myself actually it's bullcrap on a stick yeah but you you earned that story somewhere yeah where'd that come from i honestly think it was just kind of my, my upbringing, uh, with my, like, you know, my relationship with family and siblings, just kind of like seeing how life played out in certain areas and also having a lot of abandonment issues. Like my father passing away when I was nine and, you know, my mom getting married again and my sister leaving the college. And it was just kind of like, as soon as this happened and actually he was the one to walk away from it.

Immediately I went into that, like, abandon, like, I'm not good enough again. Here I am. What were you a full ride student? What were you studying? I studied criminology and criminal justice. What are you going to do with that degree? So I actually attempted to become a cop. So I got through the process through two different counties. And again, I got completely through the whole process, but I didn't get chosen from the candidate pool.

So then those were those other underlying issues were like, okay, here I am again, not good enough. So then I just started just doing like smaller jobs on the side. And then like now I'm just, I'm personal training. Did they give you feedback as to why? Technically, no. It was just more so like the pool was very competitive and you just were not chosen I would continue to reenter that pool

there are such severe candidate choices in this country that somebody with your academic credentials that a university looked at you and said, we're going to let you go for free. That's how bad we want you here.

Somebody with that level of academic ability, not to mention your personal training ability, like you would be a star candidate across the country. Thank you. I appreciate that. Well, I just, I mean, that's my world. That's the guys I hang out with. I know those guys.

And they are, in many counties across the country, they're desperate for people to come in and say, I want to be a part of helping this community. And so what I don't want you to do is to circle the wagons in one of the most desirable places to live in the United States where there happens to be a surplus of candidates. That's just very rare. But bigger than that, at some point,

you're going to fall right back into somebody else who is going to put their ring through your nose and drag you around their life unless you decide for the first time, since you were a little bitty girl, that what I want matters and what I need matters. And the life that I have laid out in front of me, these dreams that I have, I get to see them to fulfillment. And of course, having a partner in that adventure would be great,

but I'm worth more than getting hit. I'm worth more than getting stolen from, because I guarantee you, he took your money worth more than being called stupid and ridiculous. Cause I didn't get a particular job and I know he cut you down. Like you're, you're worth more than all of that, right? Yeah, definitely. Do you believe that? See, I see it and I know it, but it's so hard when, you know, you are in that mindset of like, I do not believe it. There's moments where I'm like, all right, I'm doing this.

I'm getting through it. I'm capable of it. But then there are those moments where you're just like, am I though? Am I? Here's the plan moving forward, okay? When we get off this call, I want you to go down to Walmart or just a local store, and I want you to get yourself a small journal, okay? And I want you to write down in that journal four or five I am statements that are going to be your new identity that you're going to live into. I am Shirley, and I'm worth being loved.

I'm Shirley and things of unspeakable evil have happened to me in the past and I'm about going forward. I'm Shirley and I'm a steward of my mind and my body and I want you to put those things down and then I want you to come up with four or five things, not thoughts you can think, or cultures sick with enough thinking and feeling. I want you to put four or five things that you can do. Okay. That come hell or high water, unless you're sick, that you're going to do those things every day. You're going to begin to lean in and practice these new identities. Okay. Another thing you got to do for the first time in your life, and it's going to cost you some money. And I want you to say for the first time, Shirley's worth this is you need to call a counselor. Call my friends at BetterHelp. They'll hook you up or call a local counselor

there in Tampa. I think it'd be good for you to see somebody in person. And I want you to walk in and sit down and say, my dad died when I was nine. My mom brought another man into the house when I was 11. My sister left when I was 14. I just got out of an abusive marriage. I'm sick and tired of everybody leaving me. And I'm sick and tired of my body

approaching every relationship as though I'm about to be left. I'm ready to heal. I want you to have that exact sentence. I want you to write it down and read that to the therapist. Because I don't think you need therapy where we're just going to sit and talk and chit-chat and talk and chit-chat and talk and chit-chat. You have to heal your body that is so ready for everybody to leave you that you will accept anybody and anything, even somebody physically harming you, you're worth so, so much more, Shirley, so much more. And your friends know it. Your ex's family knows it. I know it. There's one person left that needs to know it, and that's you. And it's just going to take some

healing because you've been through hell and back. And you and I could probably sit and talk for a couple hours and you could tell me some stories that would that would make my skin crawl But you're here and you made it Now you get to decide what are we going to do next My hope is for the first time You're gonna put shirley first and begin to love shirley That's the path to peace my sister

Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a couple of things I'm going to send you total money makeover and a year subscription to financial peace university. I work at ramsey solutions We're going to teach you how to work your how to take care of your money I'm, also going to send you a copy of my book own your past change your future about dealing with life after it deals with you What do you do next? And also I want you to stay on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of my friend Ken Coleman's book, Paycheck to Purpose. We're going to help you find that police officer job that is right for you. And it is out there in this country. I promise you. I promise you. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you all that stuff to get you launched out of this abusive

relationship and into the next thing. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though, is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow

and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your

guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself and sometimes you do this with a group and Hallow helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Hallow, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show, get three free months when you go to hallowed.com slash D'Loney.

It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to hallowed.com slash D'Loney. Go right now and change your life. All right, we are back. Let's roll out to Columbus and talk to the ZAK. What's up, Zach? Hi, Mr. D'Loney. How are you?

Dude, I don't know if I could be much better. How are you? Oh, man. It's a hectic life. That's all I can really say for real. Sounds like you were four beers in this morning already. You doing all right? Oh, man. Yeah, so currently I already

know my question I asked before. It already changed because I'm going through a divorce currently with my wife. She has some mental issues and stuff. And I've tried helping her over the years. And then once we got married, and death do us part, she took it a little bit too literal. Because she started going on rampages, telling me, I hope you die. I hope you kill yourself.

I'm a truck driver. She's like, I hope you die in your truck. A bunch of stuff. And then talks bad about me to my son and everything but I just try to figure out what is the next step to be smart because like I don't want I want my son to see his mom obviously but like she's bringing dudes over that not like just that she's sleeping with but my son's there or she'll be gone for like a whole week or like a five, you know,

a whole week. And I haven't bothered to see her son. But then if I do anything, it's just outlandish. Like she took my whole house from me. Basically locked me out of the house, called the police. The police said,

you're just going to have to leave because if we come back, you're either, we're taking both y'all to jail or we're just taking you to jail. Um, what's the, what's the current status of the divorce that you just recently file? Either we're taking both of y'all to jail or we're just taking you to jail. What's the current status of the divorce that you just recently filed? Yeah. Okay. Rarely is it 100% one-sided.

What are you bringing to this that's making things difficult? I don't even know. That's a good question well I here's what I'm getting at because I have a like a I know my answer

but I want to make sure you can hold it so no alcohol no drugs you don't got any problems like that no you've never cheated on her or anything nope

okay then I want you to sit down with an attorney and say, I will not stop until I have 100% full custody. My wife's not well and my child is in danger. Right. Okay. And I want you to always keep in the back of your mind that this is the mother of your son. So we're not going to be ugly.

We're not going to throw grenades. We're not going to lie, but we are going to go to war and we're going to get our boy. Because your son's not safe. Okay? Yeah. And this also means that you're probably going to have to change careers.

Yeah, I've already thought about that. Yeah. Hey, your son is worth the journey to hell and back, right? Yes, for sure. Yes, cool. Then we're going to find something else we can do, and you're probably going to take a big pay cut,

and that's going to be fine, and we're going to figure it out. Right. But the safety of a child, the safety of your child is in question here. And as a dad, I'm not going to have that. I'm not going to dishonor his mother and I'm not going to run her down around him

no matter what she says about me. Anytime you enter into a divorce, how old is this kid? It's about to turn 11 months soon. Oh, geez, Louise, man. That's a toddler. That's going to be a tall order, man. Yeah.

Will she pass the drug test? Yes. Okay. It's going to be a tall order, man. Yeah. Will she pass the drug test? Yes. Okay. It's going to be a tall order. Okay. It might include some psychiatric expertise. It's just going to be messy. That's what it comes down to.

Tell me about it. Yeah. So here's the deal when you anytime you enter into a divorce with a little one you're instantly moving from

a short term game to a very very long game and it's not a game I don't like using that language but you are now shifting influence you want this

22 or 23 or 24 year old young man to respect his father. And that means over the next decade or two, you're going to have to endure your wife talking really bad about you, making accusations about you, saying hard things, if that's who she ends up being. And you're going to play a long game because your son will one day, eyes wide open, see his dad, respected his mom, kept showing up and kept showing up and kept showing up. Despite what the courts did, despite what all the hurdles,

dad kept showing up. Okay? Yeah. And that's what you're going to have to decide. If you go for short-term win and burn his mom to the ground, you're going to lose him too. Never thought of it like that, though. All right, fair.

Is that cool? Yeah. And I want you to make no mistake. This woman will be part of your life for the rest of your life. True. Okay, so you're going to have to make peace with that. And I'm doing whatever I can to get full custody of my son because he's not safe.

Right, right. Now, why isn't that inspiring you? Why is that freaking you out? Because it's like, the woman's so manipulative. She can manipulate a squirrel to eat pineapple instead of a peanut. It's just crazy.

But if you are above board and you're above reproach, then there's nothing to manipulate. True. When the judge says, hey, I want all of your phone records and all of your email records, all of your DMs, and you turn yours over and she turns hers over. Right. Right?

If you've got something to hide, you've got something to hide. If you don't, yeah, it's super stressful. There's no way this isn't stressful. And let's be honest, you knew this for a long time

before you decided to have a kid with her, right? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. I mean, so none of this is surprising, but it does suck.

No. I'm sorry. Like, just, just, dad to dad, this is hard but it does suck and I'm sorry just dad to dad this is hard man it's hard enough and I've got the greatest wife and mother on planet earth on my side on my team and it's hard

I've never had to do what you have to do and I'm sorry I guess most of the other stress would be because my mom and dad went through the same thing and that's a whole other journey on the side. My mom didn't ever tell my dad that I was actually alive. It was a whole thing.

And I'm like, that's the one thing I never wanted to happen. I actually went like a whole family for once. And then she just started going crazy. I was like, this is not going to go. Do you think this thing's beyond repair? Oh, yeah. Okay. go is do you think this thing's beyond repair oh yeah okay i tried making it work for the longest but she one minute she wants to work with it then the next minute she doesn't then the next minute she does but then she'll find a find like how i she has met a whole nother guy and starts leaving for a whole week with him i'm like okay, okay. Your wife? Yeah.

Yeah. Found the guy over TikTok and literally said, I'll be back. I'm going to go hang out with some girls. And then I checked her call log and then it was a dude from Texas.

Yeah. She's off meds. Yup. Yeah. She just started taking him because she met this guy. I've been trying to get

her just to reach out and figure everything out. She just wouldn't take him. Yeah. That's hard, man. I've been trying to get her just to figure everything out. She just wouldn't take him. That's hard, man. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Keep your integrity about you. Be the dad that you want your son to be around. Even when it's hard. And it's going to get really tough. It's going to get tough. But the more above board you stay, and I say this, fight hard for your son. Don't be passive here because this is the

health and safety of your child, right? But be a person of integrity as you do so. And I hope that the courts will honor you and the dad you're trying to be and the unsafe situation he's in. And don't hold anything back. Tell the truth. Always tell the truth. And get yourself a dog-fighting lawyer that will fight on your behalf. This is tough. This is tough.

This is tough, man. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I wish this was one of those calls that I wish I could just tell you this thing and it's all gonna be okay It's not It's gonna be really tough For a season

And so If I can help you in any way As you travel this This gauntlet ahead of you man Holler back And we'll be here Every step of the way My brother

We'll be right back Alright we're back And we're gonna go to Rachel In Boston I guess it sounds better When it's Roxanne What's up Rachel? All right, we're back and we're going to go to Rachel in Boston. I guess it sounds better when it's Roxanne. What's up, Rachel? Hi, John.

How are you? We're partying, literally partying. How about you? It's so cool to be talking to you. My fiance is super jealous because he wants to be on this call. Is it about him? It is about him. Oh, yes. why isn't he on

he's at work right now well it's what it gets for having a job we get to talk about him all right so what did you do okay um so my question is how can my fiance make solid friendships um and so i wrote in because i know how important it is to have solid friendships to spend time with and show up for each other whenever there's a need. My fiance and I are getting married at the end of this month, and he's been disappointed by many of his groomsmen who are the closer friends that he has. But over the years, I haven't seen them reach out or do anything that wasn't convenient for them. My fiance is so thoughtful and always willing to help in ways that amaze me. He doesn't receive the same level of care that he puts out for them. It's coming to the point where he'll say, I don't need anyone anyway. And that makes me really sad and also concerns me.

He is so deserving of great friendships. So my question is, how can you find and develop better friendships to create a solid group of guy friends? So can I ask you a personal question? Sure. You promise you'll answer? Yeah. That sounded like the most eloquent way of saying, I don't like my husband's friends. Yeah.

Do you hate his friends? That's a strong word. I wouldn't say that. I know because you're an eloquent kind of person, but do you hate his friends? I still don't think I would say hate. Do you strong... So ridiculous.

Do you strongly dislike them? No, even worse, even worse. You know what? I don't think you hate them. I think you're disappointed by them. I'm disappointed. That's the word. Yes.

Like you're their third grade teacher. I'm just disappointed in you boys. Yeah. So are these his ride or die buddies that have been around for a long time? Some of them, yes. Some of them. it's been, yeah, they've all known him longer than I've known him. How much of that plays into this?

Here's why. And you can tell me I'm wrong. It is not uncommon for a fiance to come in and be jealous of the one thing that a group of friends, that an ex-girlfriend or an ex-boyfriend, they're always going to have this one thing, no matter what. We could have kids, we could have a home, we could have whatever. They will always have this one thing on us, time. They'll always have those jokes I wasn't a part of. They'll always have these get-togethers I wasn't there for. They'll always have this one time they all got drunk and they did this or that one time that is that part of it? No.

Okay. You promise? Yes. Okay. So really in all honesty, if you mind your soul, if these guys were ride or die and he was hanging out with them once a week or once every couple of weeks or whatever, that would fill, that would feel, that would fill you up.

Yeah. Okay. And so you're watching somebody that you love get treated like crap is what's, what basically is boiled down to. Yeah. Okay. The unfortunate answer here is you can do nothing for him. He's got to choose that.

He's worthy of having friends that actually are worth being friends. And that's hard. You don't like that answer? I wish I could do something, but I do recognize that it's up to him. Do you have friends? Oh, I have the most amazing friends. I'm very blessed. Okay. What is it about him that he doesn't see himself as worthy of having friends? Um, I know that when he was younger, he was picked on and he was kind of left out of everything.

So he doesn't have the most, the highest self-esteem in that area. Okay. Is there some of your friends, partners that he could hang out with? Like do y'all do couple stuff? Sounds so gross when I say that. No, not in this area.

They're all kind of spread out across the country. So I would tell you, you're going to need to make new friends in your area also. And so you're, how old are you? 25. 25. Okay, so here's what's going to happen. And I'm going to paint you

a very depressing picture. Is that okay? Okay. All right. So your entire life since you were zero has been curated. You go to elementary school,

you go to pre-K or kindergarten and then elementary school and they put you on the same row. Like you're on the red Robins row and you're on the, uh, the tennis racket row or whatever. And, and you're on the baseballs, you're in the basketballs, whatever. And then you go to elementary school and it's like, some of you play kickball and then some of you hate kickball. And then those become your friends. And the, the, the like sweaty dudes were like, yeah,

bro, we're all into kickball. Like they become friends. And then you go to music, music class and it's like, ta, ta, ti,

ti, ta. And some people like, Oh my gosh. And some people like their soul lights up. And then it goes to middle school and then high school. And then you get into theater and to sports or whatever your thing is, or doing nothing is your thing.

And then you go to college and you have a major and a sorority or uh whatever the thing everything is is optimized for you you go to the military you go to community college and you have group projects whatever the thing is and then you get out into the real world and you get married and you move to your new town and the whole it's all you versus the whole world. What do you do for a living? Me? Yes. I currently, well, I'm switching jobs. Okay.

What are you going to be doing? Camp director. Okay. So if you get somebody to go to your camp, it's going to be because they didn't go to somebody else's camp. And that other camp is going to put promotional materials and come up with new rides

and new learning objectives or whatever to get kids from your camp to go to their camp. And you're going to spend your time trying to get kids to go to your camp and take care of those kids that are at your camp. See what I'm saying? It's you versus the world now. And you're going to have to find your friends,

your ride or die, your best friends in the world. They're going to get married and they're going to have families. And it's going to turn into weekly calls or everyday calls, turn into weekly calls, turn into texts, turn into long strings of emojis and funny back and forths. And maybe annual get togethers and forths and maybe annual get togethers and then biannual get togethers. And if you're not careful,

you wake up and you're 33 and you and your husband are sitting on the same couch and he's on ESPN fantasy sports and you are researching palette walls or whatever it is you're into. See what I'm saying? And what I just painted you, I just painted you the picture of the American life right now is we're all living it. Unless you get hyper intentional you rachel get hyper intentional about making friends in your new area new friends new relationships new ride or dies and if you make

that a part of your life your husband's gonna have to not choose to opt in. He's going to have to choose to opt out of that. And it's easier to opt. It's harder to opt out of something it is to opt in. See what I'm saying? So what I'm telling you is the greatest gift you can give him is the practice of making new friends. Hey, once a week, we're going to have somebody over. We're going to have a messy house and we don't even care. And we're going to have somebody over We're going to have a messy house And we don't even care And we're going to meet a couple of people that we work with We're going to meet a couple of people at a local church

Or at the gym or whatever Wherever we meet folks And we're just going to be weird And we're going to go first And I've made some of my life's best friends doing that And I've had some of the most awkward Worst interactions of my friends doing that. And I've had some of the most awkward, worst interactions of my life doing that too. Does that sound nutty? That sounds like really good advice.

But it's also depressing. Not in a clinical way, but it's like I want to be friends with my friends forever. I did something this past weekend. So I went to Texas for some speaking events. And I had four events in three days. And I went a day early. I just turned in a book draft. I am exhausted out of my mind. And I went to hang out with some of my 30-year-old friends, my oldest friends on the planet.

Two guys that I trust with everything in my life. And I haven't lived in this city for five years now. And the first thing I got off the airplane and I traveled so much. I lived in this community for 20 years and I couldn't quite remember the right accent. And I remember thinking, whoa, that's weird. And then we all hung out and their kids were old I didn't recognize two of their kids when they walked in the room I was

like oh my gosh they got old and then I I realized like we are still best friends I still love those guys I love their wives I love their kids like they're my own. And we have very different lives now. And it was a sense of grief and a sense of mourning and a sense of loss. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because we did everything together all the time. Always. Even something as simple as I went into the garage and my first thought was like, when did y'all get these cars? And why didn't you tell me? And then it's like, oh, because you live 2,000 miles away, idiot. Right? Like, I'm outside of that little loop. That's going to be your life, whether you want it to or not.

And so if you're intentional about what comes next, it's a totally different ride than if it happens to you and suddenly you wake up and it's gone. Right. Does that make sense? Yeah. And if you're watching your husband get beat up all the time, there is something profound about sitting across from a man

and holding his hand and looking him in the eye and saying, you're an absolute badass and you're worth more than this. And I'm proud of you. And I want you to find men who respect you like I do. See what I'm saying? Yeah. I was married for 15 years before I had the courage and I was embarrassed to do it because I was ashamed to tell my wife, hey, it would mean the world to me if you just called out that you're proud of me. And it was like, I was tearful. I was weeping. I was like, man, I can't believe I'm having to

say this out loud. Not that she hadn't said it, but I can't believe that this means something to me. And it did. And when she was like, oh my gosh, I wish I'd known because I'm so proud of you. I tell everybody, I just didn't know that was a thing that you needed to hear. I felt weird. It was a reorientation for me. Like I could stand up a little bit taller. And when people blow me off or they're ugly or

they're rude or whatever, like I can move on with my day because I got her by my side. Does that make sense? Yeah. There's like a reinforcing thing. And I know that sounds weird that you don't want to be the person reinforcing him, but man, it's a powerful thing to have a woman who loves you look across the table and say, I believe in you and you're worth more than this nonsense. Is that fair? Yeah. I'm throwing a lot at you. What do you think back?

I feel like I freaked you out a little bit, Rachel. I just process a little slow. What's he going to say if you sit down and tell him that? That I'm proud of him? Yep. Oh, I tell him that all the time. Yeah, but I mean mean it. And tell him that he's worth good friends.

I have meant it. Well, good. Keep telling him. Yeah, I can do more often. Awesome. He's lucky to have you. I want you to be worried about the things that you can control, which unfortunately are not how many friends he chooses to have.

What you can control is how many new relationships and new friends you make in your new town, at your new job, in your new community, in this new life you're building together with your fiance. That is what you can control. And invite him along for every step of the way. And don't make him go to weird things where people wear super short shorts and boat shoes, but like cool things. I don't know, that may be cool for you guys. And don't make him play golf, but like invite him to cool stuff and give him a voice, but make friends a part of y'all's new life together. And I promise he'll pick up that baton and make friendship and connection an important part of his life too. Thank you for loving him so much, man. The world needs more fiancés like you. We'll be right back.

Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build

a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as you wrap up today's show, we're skipping the lyrics. We're going with some good news. Check this out. This is an article from CBS News. I didn't even know CBS did news anymore. It says, seeing her there, cuddled up with her crossword, you would never guess 80-year-old retired school teacher, Jenny Schrappen. Number one, that's a dope name. Jenny Schrappen. If my name was John Schrappen, that would be incredible. Had a pen pal in a penitentiary, especially not one accused of murder. 25 years ago, a deacon at Schrappen's church handed her a letter from a prisoner,

hoping that somebody would write him back. The prisoner was Lamar Johnson, a man serving a life sentence in Missouri. He was in prison for murder. The two struck up a fast friendship and wrote back and forth over 20 years. She said she could tell right from the start there was no way he'd committed murder. I mean, I mean, but 28 years later, the state of Missouri confirmed her intuition after the Midwest Innocence Project, and let me just stop right there. Y'all know I worked at a law school for many years. The Innocence Project is one of those incredible groups of people in the world. They are amazing, and they work with law students and attorneys all over the place. The work that the Innocence Project does is just second to none. I just applaud them with all my guts, man.

Watching the work they do and how hard they work to try to figure stuff out is just amazing. The Midwest Innocence Project, if you want to know more, we'll put a link in the show notes. They're just, I love them. They got involved in the real killer confess. Johnson was exonerated and released from prison at 49 years old. He went to Schrappen's house for the first time where she greeted him with a warm welcome, gave him a tour, a box of his favorite cereal, and one last letter. He said the greatest gift though is the confidence his friend instilled in him. Especially when somebody's innocent, you want someone to believe in you because when you have people who believe in you and they won't give up on you, then it makes it harder for you to give up on yourself. So whether it's your kids, whether it's your

neighbor, whether it's that kid at church that you see, or that kid in the neighborhood on your son or daughter's ball club, find a kid, find a person, find an adult that you work with. Let them know over a long period of time, I believe in you. Because when you believe in somebody, it's hard for them not to believe in themselves. Give that away. Give belief away. And the whole world will get a little bit brighter. Y'all stay in school. Don't do drugs. Love y'all. Bye.