The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?

Episode Date: February 5, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·      A man seeking advice on how to regain his ex-fiancée’s trust ·      A woman trying to convince her partner they need a marriage license ·��     A wife struggling to save her marriage after retirement 📱 Early access: Watch episodes of The Dr. John Delony Show one week early—download the free Ramsey Network app today! Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at BON CHARGE. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.  💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.   🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm trying to earn the trust that I had destroyed and lost. I got fired and for five months after being fired, I lied. What happened happened. And the way you're recounting the story is 100% accurate. You got unapologetically screwed. What's up? 100% accurate you got unapologetically screwed What's up, what's going on this is John with the dr. John DeLoney show So grateful that you've joined us. You're hanging out with us spending your most precious resource your time with us

This show talks to hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move. Maybe the world has dropped a few cinder blocks in their backpack or maybe they've blown their lives up or maybe they're standing on the edge of a challenging decision. They don't know which way to go. Or their kids are struggling. Whatever you got going on in your life, this show is real people going through real challenges. And I'd love to have you on. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291, or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. And you're going to fill out the form,

and it will shoot it over to Kelly and to Taylor, and they'll give you a buzz, man. See if we can have you on the show. Let's go out to Atlanta, Georgia and talk to Emanuel. What's up, Emanuel? How we doing, man? I've had better days. How you doing? I'm doing all right, brother. What's up, man? Well, I'm calling in because I have listened to your show, I guess everybody kind of opens with, but I listened to your show and I thought, man, if there's any chance I could hear a grain

of truth or a little bit of a word that could help me and my significant other, then it's worth a shot. So my question ultimately, and I hope I don't babble too much, is I'm trying to earn the trust that I had destroyed and lost from my fiance and her family. And then that's ultimately what I'm trying to get at. What happened? Well, I'm trying to take a seat. So, take a breath here. Yeah, you're good, man.

You're good. We're in no rush. So. Do this, do this. Let's go in reverse order. Yep. Tell me what happened. Or I'll be more direct.

Tell me what you did. And then let's work back to how we got there. Not the other way around. Okay, okay, okay. So I made two significant lies. The first was lying about my job. I got fired and for five months after being fired, um, I lied to her, her family, my family, my friends, um, pretty much everyone around me, um, never.

Confessing that I got fired. So, um, I both lied by omission and commission. Um, why'd you get fired? And one more, why'd you get fired? The second one. Why'd you get fired? Yeah. So I, let me give you, I guess a little background here. I worked as a straight to conditioning coach for a pro team here. And I was, I was doing that since last year.

From that point, I got a promotion. There was a lot of changes going on with the coaching staff. And kind of, let me frame this a little bit better. So she and I have been in a relationship for 50 months. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry. Hold on.

How'd you get fired? Yeah, I got fired for violating a code of conduct and a lack of performance. They cited two situations, one in which I was a no show, no call, no show last year, and I got fined 10 grand for that. The next was missing a meeting. Now I don't believe that that's the only reason.

The coaches around me didn't believe that that was the only reason and it kind around me didn't believe that that was the only reason and it kind of feeds into my thought process at the time, but that's what was cited on my termination document. I do believe that, I mean, not that I believe, I was told it came from the top and I think that it has a little bit more to do with, I can dive into my past,

but I think it has more to do with the owner knowing a person that I was in, I guess, another career field, didn't like me too much. And so it's a whole other story. But that's my opinion. But on paper, that's why I was fired. Okay. So there's like, here's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to build towards, because you're a ball of energy, right? Yeah.

And... A ball of nerves, because I'm never open and this vulnerable, I mean, to say the least. And so... Sure, yeah. But I mean, inside that energy is a whole bunch of swirling stories. And so, yeah, it's important. What I'm trying to get at is, how much ownership are you taking?

How much is everything somebody else's fault? How much is it like, just kind of was what it was? How much is it, see what I'm saying? So that's what I'm getting at. So okay, so you got fired and you didn't tell anybody. Yeah. I mean, getting fired, the reason I was fired for. So, okay, so you got fired and you didn't tell anybody. Yeah. I mean, getting fired, the reason I was fired for getting fired is it's all on me at the end of the day.

I mean, there's no excuse by that. Yeah, I got that. But I mean, sometimes we get fired and you're a strength and conditioning coach. You made it to the big leagues, right? And then you get fired. If that's been something you've been working for forever and maybe you went on a flex tour

or everybody was excited for you, everybody was telling their friends that they know a guy who works for so-and-so. Like that's awesome. And then all of a sudden you feel like you let everybody down. That's one thing. The other thing is, and I got fired for cause.

I did something in violation. I blew a big shot. And it's kind of a pattern that I've had my whole life. And everyone's going to go, yep. And so I didn't tell them because of that. And then one not telling him turned into stretching the truth turns into everybody's thinks I still work there. And now I'm coming up with reasons why I'm not on the sidelines or I'm not in practice or whatever. And so either way, you have an identity issue, right? So, what's the other big lie? Adam Liska The other big lie was,

so after apologizing and confessing to everything and giving as much documentation, being as transparent as I possibly can, she was extremely grateful. And so then I lied a few weeks after that. She had asked me, I said I was going to send her family some apology letters and she had asked me if I had sent those letters to her family. And I just freaked out and I said I did when I didn't. And then what happened? Nothing happened. So after the first lie, she was so gracious

and understanding and trying to work and giving at least a door of communication. After that second lie, nothing happened. All that occurred was no communication until finally here recently, she essentially said I'm cutting all ties and I cannot be around someone who's the antithesis of me and essentially said that I worship the father of lies.

And she's not wrong. She's not wrong. She's not wrong. So why are you so terrified of being seen? Well, I've been, I've been, I started going to, after the first slide, I started going up there. No, no, no, forget all that. Forget all that. Forget all that. Forget all that. A lot of guys get into strength and conditioning because that was their path to be seen. And there's part of a hustle and a grind and a discipline which are all three really important things. But it becomes an identity and sometimes that identity is used to wallpaper over other hurts.

You don't like people to see you. Why not? So because I end up, I end up hurting people. I end up failing people. And then I get caught in this spiral of, I'm gonna say it's pride and selfishness because then I think that I start going to more of like an ego side. Well, hold on, who have you hurt and failed?

You've got this girlfriend of a year, okay? How old are you, man? I'm 35. Okay, so you got this girlfriend of a year, okay? How old are you, man? I'm 35. Okay, so you've got this girlfriend of a year. And I don't want to minimize it, but you've got a girlfriend of a year, and you're right, you blow it. You lied to her on too big, you lied to her about a big thing, but then almost worse, you lied to her about a little thing.

And I get like her stepping back and be like, oh, that's who this dude is Not he got fired from a big opportunity and it was a huge thing and he was ashamed and I'll walk with him through that I get that There was something little and dumb Like it was so clearly I can I can just make one phone call and find out Yeah, and he rode that to the bottom of the ocean. Like, oh, that's just who that studio is. So I get that.

But who have you failed and let down for so long that because here's the thing, when you lie like that, there's this belief that everyone around me is stupider than me. I can get away with this. I know more than. And that comes from somewhere. Give me another example of someone you let down and failed. Back when I was serving in the was, I was honorably discharged and I felt like I failed.

I mean, everybody. Why are you discharged? So, uh, I was part of a, a undercover operation for a group called OSI and I worked with them for two years and we were able to get a lot of convictions for sexual assault and there was a there's a lot of and I know there's going to be a common denominator here but essentially I was discharged for breaking the rules as far as it will leave, going over the fence, um, or, um, getting the merits of this was at the air force academy and, and it was

national news at one point. Um, and so it took me. Years. You get investigations done to actually bring out the truth. And the truth was I was telling the truth the entire time I was telling the truth. But as a result of all the drama, close friends of mine, for example, we didn't wanna be seen in public

because I was the guy that was kind of marred. And if you were still active duty, you kind of wanna keep a bit of a distance. It was a shock to my family and even myself because I didn't necessarily see it coming. And it took so long to try to prove my name again that from the time of being discharged to the time of being able to say, hey, look, I was telling the truth. We're talking, you know, five or six years and by then a lot of people Distance themselves from me. So you're part of a team that was investigating

Military sexual assault and as you brought people to justice they threw you into the bus as the bad guy and They blamed you for like like inappropriate investigation and things, and then you ended up somehow having to clear your name. Is that right? That's pretty dang close, yeah. So I was a fall guy. Okay.

As a group of military folks tried to save their own reputation saying, we don't have a sexual assault problem here? That's exactly right. Okay. And by the time, by the time you're cleared, um, your name's mud and it's more moving on. And yeah. And then so, you know, all my, all my buddies and, and friends and you know, friends from high school and friends, I mean, you name it, everyone doesn't know who Eric is at that time because there's just so much trauma and you know one

Side of the house is saying one thing and I'm over here saying another and you know It takes years until the documentation come up to prove who is right But in the meantime, you know, everyone just kind of distance themselves. So did you get reinstated? Why did you discharge? Why was your discharge upheld? Right, so I never did get reinvigorated. It's actually ironic because to this day, I'm still trying to completely clear my name despite being honorably discharged. I have a rating that is similar to those who are convicted of sexual assault.

So it's basically a double slap in the face where I have an honorable discharge, but if I tried to go into any other service in any other capacity, I can't because of what is written on that documentation. So it literally takes, either the chief of staff, chief of staff, the president or your secretary of the air force to actually reverse it. And it's been a decade long fight to even get to that point and yeah so it's it's I was supposed to be a pilot originally I was supposed to be flying and I to this day if there's ever an avenue to try to be heard I still think

about that and clear my name. Sure so it seems that and you and I could probably go back even further. There's a pattern of clouds and shadows following you. Is that fair? Yeah, it's super fair. I was, I mean, I know. I was. Honest and told the truth. I was even polygraphed and it was something

that I was telling the truth back then. And I lost my career and we had a lot of good people. We had three convictions of sexual assault. We helped over 51 different victims and it was a lot of good, but I lost everything. I lost my name, I lost my career. And when this happened, I freaked everything. I lost my name, I lost my career. And when this happened, I freaked out. She was the next best thing to me.

And I didn't wanna go back to that place again. And so I was ashamed. I was completely ashamed. And there were other factors too. And I would say just a lot of lies that were floating in my head. I also didn't... She has a story, she has a past and she's grown from it and I didn't want to look or resemble anything close to that past. I want it to be a future of stability where I could... She feels safe and she feels supported and I became the very thing that I hated and I Oh, that's that's what I want to double-click on

The only I became a liar I became a man I became a manipulator became a liar I became a man of fear I became Coward because it's because it's it's one of two things and But it's because it's because it's it's one of two things and We won't get to the bottom of it here, but I want I want to just leave you with it. It's one of two things You know that deep down in your guts There is a shadow part of you and You're real smart and you're real fast on your feet and you can talk your way and

talk your way and you'll play the long game and you'll ride a story to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean until either people give up or they just cross their eyes or they go whatever it's fine or somebody's not able to prove something it's either that or you just got knocked out go to Walgreens today and get a 79 cent pack of note cards and write out your schedule for today and do that wake up tomorrow morning and write out your schedule for that day and do that. Wake up tomorrow morning and write out your schedule for that day and do that. Write one act of service whether that's writing a note to somebody, whether that's calling your mom, whether that's finding a friend and buying them a coffee, whether that is paying for somebody's food and drive-through.

Your eyes are so firmly planted in your belly button that you just stay in a loop. You're just in a spiral and you got to do things to get your eyes up. So let's start there. Tell them the truth to ourself. I want you to take a pause on this trying to get this relationship back. It may be long gone brother. Maybe not, but probably. It can't be a reason for getting up every day.

Trying to prove yourself. And there's going to be a part of this healing that is you getting with other men and telling the truth. Here's what happened to me when I was a little kid. Here is what I wanted to do today. Here's the lies that I told. Here's the ways I got screwed by the military. But here's the way also I kind of fudged things too. Get the truth out of your body and into the world and exhale let people fully see you and what you're gonna find is most

People most of time really and yeah me too And there's such freedom in that you can't even imagine what it's like to sleep without any secrets But all that starts with you trusting yourself to do the next right thing Hang on the line man. I'm gonna send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. That will be my gift to you, man. I want you to follow it to the letter. Follow the path to the letter. And go get you some note cards to start there. Thanks for the call, man. We'll be right back.

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How are you? I'm doing great. How about yourself? Good. I guess I'll just go ahead and jump straight to it. I have a, I guess like a disagreement with my partner. And so I was, my question is, how do you handle a disagreement, obtain a marriage license? He doesn't tell you until after you've had a ceremony. That's a great question. Yeah. Okay.

So y'all had a big party, but you're not legally married, right? Yeah, but with Texas law, it gets confusing. And so like, because they're like common law marriage. And so yes, I am not a family law expert, okay? Yeah. I did grow up and spend my life in Texas. I have had friends and colleagues and I've sat with them and walked through them through clean divorces and messy divorces in that state.

And I am all about not inviting the government into any part of my life where I can avoid it. And I got a marriage license before I did anything else. Mm-hmm. The, uh, it's, I don't know, like, I guess messy also because we did things out of order. We have kids but his he his license shows his his his mom's address still you know we've been together since we're 18. So you're dating a child. Yeah, that's how it feels. And then like he also,

I've been wanting to get like a buy a house for some time. Me personally, I don't personally have the funds in my own pocket, but he wants, I have the good credit. I just don't have the funds because I've had some pretty hefty expenses come up within the last year and a half. So- Please for all it is holy don't buy a house with this guy.

Please don't. Like for real, please don't. But what I was about to say is, he wanted me, he first said, he waited until after we got, I had a ceremony to say, for me to buy a house only in my name and then we'll get a license after that.

That doesn't make any sense because everyone I know that has real estate experience says it's easier or better, more beneficial to buy a house with both of you involved. I feel like a married couple. How old are you like a married couple? How old are you? I'm actually 33. So you've been together since you're 18.

Um, there was a time we were separated back in 2020 for like a little over a year because, uh, this is where it also gets messy. He had an emotional affair and I, we had couples counseling and we did a class through church, it hasn't really gone well this year. So I am heartbroken that nobody in your life has told you what I'm going to tell you, okay? I hate that I'm the first guy to do this. It's not like this is fun, okay? But this is me talking to my fellow Texan friend.

And if you've listened to this show for any time, you've heard me say this line over and over, but behavior is a language. And so what this guy has told you for more than a decade is he has zero, absolutely no interest in being your husband period He has no interest zero interest in building a life with you Yes, somehow he wants me to change my last name to and I put him I'm not going to until we had a marriage license He is a child He wants what he wants when he wants it. He's a kid with a bib on screaming for more Froot Loops.

And he probably had a mom that gave him to him. And so what he's used to is getting what he wants when he wants. And you've given it to him. You gave him a kid You give him a place to live You've given him everything What you have to do is be honest about what is best for you what is best for your child and this is far from it Yeah

Period please please don't buy a house with him. Please don't. Your instincts are absolutely correct. When it comes, there's days... I don't know what to do from here. Like that's kind of where I was stuck and that's why I was reaching out. So you have my circle is very small. Unfortunately, now I've even had to cut off my own family because they're toxic. It's a long story there. Listen, listen to me. Yeah, listen.

He has left you long ago. He does like sleeping with you. And he does like the meals you provide. And if you do his laundry too, he likes that also. But he has no responsibilities. He still has his mommy's address on his license. He's 33 years old. Yeah. Right? The world, the rules of the world have not applied to him because he's had two women make sure that they didn't. And so you have to metabolize.

Not, I want these things but I'm afraid I'm gonna lose him. You have to metabolize this truth. He is long gone. He's never been with you in the first place. Sherry threw a party with you. Y'all had a Playhouse honeymoon. That was cool, probably. We didn't even have that. Oh yeah. There you go. Does he have a great job? It's alright You know, it's like he had all his money in savings and I have nothing in savings currently because I was on pay leave for a few months this year and Like I said other

Pretty big expenses came up. So did he swoop in with his savings and take care of the mother of his child? Like when I was on unpaid leave? What do you mean? Yeah, when you had big expenses pop in? No, no Why in the world would you marry a guy like this? He's unmarryable He doesn't care about anything other than himself. You're the mother of his kid. Yeah.

You had to leave on unpaid leave for medical challenges or personal crisis. And he's got this big fat savings account. He's like, that's mine. What are you doing, Linda? He was saying it's ours, but at the same time, whenever things come up, it's like, I've been trying to have like, I guess like finance type meetings with him every once in a while.

We have polar opposite work schedules. Even like having like a time with him is very sparse. And then all he did was just show me his balance on his bank account. Like that's not a budget session or anything. He doesn't want to be married to you. And I know that's that hits like a, like a, like a sack of bricks. I know that. He doesn't want to be with you and he doesn't want to build a life with you. He just wants to sit at his high chair and have somebody bring him more Froot Loops.

And take credit for what things I've done. That's right. And here's your path. And it's not a pleasant one, okay? It's not fun. Path A is you can stay where you're at and you're showing your young son or daughter this is what love looks like, this is what romance looks like, this is how adults care for one another, what that looks like.

Or you can get your own apartment and you can tell him he's out. You can go back and live with his mommy like his license says. And you can begin to build boundaries that you need because you haven't slept a full night in a long time. You haven't exercised in God knows how long. You haven't been taken out on a date in God knows how long. Yeah. You've been gaslit for the last decade. I guess I didn't really fully like, I guess understand gaslighting until recently.

I know. It's really... I know really I know it's painful Because you've been thinking the last ten years There's just one more thing you needed to do and then finally you would be worth being loved and you've been worth being loved this whole time I guess like I guess the backstory of that too is I haven't really

felt like that since my even like in my childhood years. I know like I There's some abuse in there and I'm always in protecting me and she actually Like was supporting the person that was the abuser I got that and that's hold on hold on it's evil and that's wrong Yeah, it's evil and that's wrong. Yeah. It's evil and it's wrong. And I'm saying this with you, not at you, okay? And now you're a 33 year old mother and you are responsible for what happens next. Yeah.

Period. And I guess let me know if this is also gaslighting or not, but I actually went through like a in a way like a rite of passage to get over my trauma the best I could. And he actually took credit in some of that. But just because he was in the pictures, I guess like as support, but I'm not sure. I mean, I can't judge that. I can't judge that. I mean, I don't-

I just wasn't sure that was gaslighting or what because I'm the one that did the work and he's trying to like take the credit for me being past my stuff. You and your guts know. You and your guts know. You and your guts know. You've not trusted yourself for so, so long. So long, right?

Like forever. I want you to stay on the line. I'm gonna hook you up with my friends at BetterHelp. And I want you to meet with one of the licensed therapists and you can meet on your schedule because I know you're working like crazy trying to provide for both your real child and your man child. And I want you to start meeting with a therapist and I want you to begin and I want you to tell the therapist I need to start creating some boundaries in my personal life for my physical and emotional health.

I got some trauma I'm still unpacking from my childhood. And I've been with somebody for over 15 years who has no interest in building a life or building a romantic relationship or a stable relationship with me. They just want to exist because I do everything in their life for them. And it's time for me to begin to build a life where I have security and safety. The road ahead, Linda, is very, very difficult. The easiest thing you can do is just to keep going back

to the well and going back to the well and continuing to be this person's mother. The harder thing will be to look yourself in the mirror and believe that you're worth something way, way more than this. You have more power in this situation than you could ever imagine. You're just going to need to get a professional and a couple of close friends to walk with you. Make sure to call, sister.

We'll be right back. It's the new year, my favorite time of year. Everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping the things that aren't helpful in our lives and overall building a better life. We all know that most new go get them goals are a total waste of your time because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable. So how about this year,

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Right now they're offering 3 free months when you join at HALO.com slash Deloney. That's HALO, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney. For 3 months of H of hallow absolutely free. Go right now. All right, let's go out to Napa, California and talk to Stephanie. Hey, Stephanie, what's up? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? I'm doing all right.

What's going on in your world? Well, my question for you is can my marriage survive with our differences feeling insurmountable? And that's a big question. Yeah. I wrote some bullet points. Okay, cool. Um, I've been married for 31 years. We've always been each other's Yen and Yang.

Uh, there's an eight year difference in age. He's late sixties. I'm early sixties. He began transitioning to retirement four years ago. He's a self-employed contractor. I retired two years ago. He was fully retired by then with occasional small jobs. Our opposites are getting harder and harder to accept in each other.

Expressing feelings are difficult for him except negativity. I rarely hear I'm sorry from him voluntarily. I'm very verbal. I see the positive in things. And this all came to a head recently. I think it's because in September, I decided I was gonna start communicating with him in the same way he speaks to me.

He got mad at me and yelled how unhappy he was and wanted to get into marriage counseling, but only recently followed through to make the phone call. We do have a screening appointment in a couple of days. I've been through therapy on and off through the years. I'm in individual counseling right now. I started about a month ago. He says I'm a teller, not an asker,

and that I control everything. He says he can't talk to me. I say he doesn't treat me with kindness when speaking to me. I'm tired of the negativity, So I ignore them a lot. Seems the happier I am in retirement to Grumpier he has become. I say he drinks and smokes too much and I have zero tolerance for it anymore. Uh, we made a deal that he would sleep in the guest room when he was under the influence, which he has adhered to.

And he has cut back significantly in the last month. I asked him to move into the guest room permanently on Thanksgiving because he hadn't made the phone call to get us into counseling. I wanna remain in separate bedrooms until we are in counseling and want to work with the counselor before we go back to sleeping in the same room.

So Dr. John, is our marriage salvageable? And is this a common situation in older slash long-term marriage? Yeah You're not a lost cause Stephanie Give me a big exhale I can feel how tense you are exhale big I'm gonna take a sip of tea take a sip of tea. Take a sip of tea. Take a big swig of tea. Is it hard to say all that out loud to somebody?

Well, because I've been in therapy recently, come out before, but to say to you, yes, yes, sir. Yeah, this is super normal. And you may have heard me use this language before, but you have gotten yourselves in quite the dance and it's hard to get out. Habits are hard. Well, it's not even habits. It's um It's just it's just a it's it's two people seeking to connect with one another

But you just get in this in this chase it's a game of chase and It's hard to stop and Yeah, it's very common for somebody who has spent their life being a contractor to recognize my body doesn't do what it used to. Yeah. I can't get up and run 20 hours like I used to.

Right. So I have to stop. And there is none zero there is no Cultural path there's no there's no moment of education for 60 year old men to say and now what? No, almost 70 almost 70 No, I know and there's something devastating About thinking oh, I just sit on the porch until I die. And that story will make it pretty damn crumpy.

Right. There's no, that's not an excuse. It's just a context. Okay. Right. Right. And so you got a guy who stopped doing a thing. Y'all may have had some moments when the light shines through in California and through the

breakfast window when y'all are having coffee together over the past 10 years and y'all talked about what it would be like when you retired. Yep. And those moments lit you up and those moments terrified him to death. I don't understand why. Because often for men, the whole world has told them they are absolutely useless beyond what they quote unquote provide. And most men have zero understanding, sight, training, a picture of what provision means other than money in a checking account. Period. Maybe guys

get guns and watch John Wick movies and or they exercise a lot and they think they can provide security too. But for most men, they've been told you're the problem with everything on the planet. Shut your mouth and go to work. And they do. They die early. And most men don't understand that many of their wives just want them. I just want you.

I just want him happy. That's it. That's it. And he probably wonders every minute of every day why his wife doesn't like him so much. I'd agree with that. Which makes him- I think the same thing. Why doesn't he like me? That's what I'm saying.

That's what I'm saying. Then it makes him grumpy. Then he snaps at you. You wonder, why don't you like me? Well, fine, screw you. You can't even sleep in my bed anymore. Then he wonders, good God, why doesn't she like me? Then he snaps at you.

Then you go, oh my gosh, you can't even be- Right? Then I shut down and ignore him. And it just turns into this dance that's really hard to get out of. And it's frustrating, it's hard. And you know what makes it feel better? Alcohol.

Yeah. It doesn't make it feel better, actually that's not true. It makes it feel a little less painful. And like he had to take an intake, um, assessment and, you know, for us to get into therapy and, um, you know, he's not well versed with computers and stuff like that. So I had to do it with him and everything was how you feel. And you know, all of its answers were no not at all

You know okay, but hold on hold on Can you imagine your wife says get out of my house unless you do this thing and you sit down to do that thing You don't even know how it works Can you imagine how embarrassing that feels? How small that would make you feel? And then they ask you to do the one thing, the one thing that in his line of work for 50 years would get his head block knocked off, and that is talk about your feelings. He doesn't talk about his feelings. He never has.

I know, but have you given him a safe space for him to do that at home? Yes, sir. Okay. Trust me. Yes, sir. That's amazing that you've done that. But I want us to look at that as a skills issue, not a character issue. Because if he didn't know how to shoot free throws on a basketball court, you wouldn't

kick him out. My guess is he doesn't know how. Maybe he didn't want to. Shoot, maybe. Maybe he likes torturing you. You know him better than I do. And if that's the case, he's a jerk and a scumbag and your marriage probably isn't going to make it.

Well like last night, the mental health people called to make the appointment for the screening phone call. And he got off the phone and he was not a happy camper. And I couldn't understand whether it was anger or frustration. I mean, it was, it's just weird to me. It's shame. It's shame. It's shame. Do you know how, do you know how embarrassing it is? I'm telling you this as a guy in my forties.

You know how embarrassing it is that I had to go talk to a professional. So that I could learn new skills to talk and interact with my wife. It's embarrassing. So I've dedicated my entire life. Sitting down with people and saying don't be embarrassed about it.

Sitting down with people and saying don't be embarrassed about it. You know how humiliating it is to be 70 and still wonder why I'm so unlikable and I got to go talk to some 32 year old fresh out of grad school. It's it's it's shame. I remember that he's lived with a girl who has been through serious trauma life stuff and seen how she's worked to heal that stuff and yet that isn't enough for him to do one plus one equals two? You know what I mean? Yeah, that's pretty tough. It's pretty, I would say that's not fair.

That's not fair of me to expect that of him. Yeah, there's, I won't go into the nerd stuff. There's a psychological tenant, if you will, that we often judge ourselves by our intent and we judge other people by their actions. I snap because here's why, and I have a whole context for why I snapped at somebody. But if somebody snaps at me, it's because they're a jerk. They're a bad person. They're a scumbag. They're dumb. And so instead of judging, if I could give you one gift, it would be to

toggle the judgment from judgment to curiosity. Instead of saying, man, your wife has been through so much trauma and you've seen the counseling and the this and you see who I've become. I wonder what's going on inside of this man who has dedicated his life to taking care of his family. He's been a grump the whole time and he smokes too much and he snores like a freight train. But I wonder why that connection's never been made instead of, are you freaking kidding me? You've seen what I've done. One of those

is get away from me. One of those is an invitation. Well, I asked him one time, do you ever think about the health of our relationship or the status for relationship or anything like that? Something along those lines No He's just always been this you know Day at a time in the moment Take it as it comes, dude And is that also a big part of why you love him? Oh yeah, for sure.

Yeah. No, I mean, and when, excuse me. You're good, you're good. When it hit the fan, you know, after September, you know, we didn't talk for a few days and it was like, okay, because, you know, like I don't respond well to anger or negative energy towards me at all. And I'm not going to respond to that. I will ignore it. When you get over it, let me know. And hold on. Do you hear that? My anger? Yeah. Because I'm tired, John.

I know you are. I know you're exhausted. And I also know he's exhausted. I remember the look in my wife's eyes when we were sitting across the table from each other asking ourselves is our marriage over Exactly. I remember putting my hands on the table and I said will you just say the words? I'm proud of you because all of this has been for you She looked at me kind of hurt and she said Every action I do shows you that I'm proud of you. I said you've never said

it. She said I didn't know I need to say it. I wish you told me that 20 years ago. I said well you're not incapable of saying that. No, no, no. Are you? Yes. Trust me. Yes. Trust me. I tell them that we would not have the life that we have without each other. I would not have the life I have without him. That what we've built together is incredible. It's not good right now.

But we asked each other straight up. You know, do you still love me? Yes and yes. Would you think you'd be happier with somebody else? No and no. Do you want to get a divorce? No. Okay, now we got something to work with. But this not being able to talk to each other anymore is nuts. Will you try something for me? You've tried the distance again, you've tried to kick him out of the room, you've tried the ultimatums. Okay, and you're like, I'm going to see a professional, which I applaud. This isn't Hollywood and it's not sexy, but it'll work. I'd love for you to write down on a piece of paper and I want you to sit down and look

at him across the table and say, I know you love me and I've never given you an explicit roadmap to my heart. I'm sorry. And maybe you're thinking, I have a million times. He knows that I like flowers and Let's just try And hand him a piece of paper that says not here's all the things you can't do in this house Here's the ways that I feel loved Here's the ways that I feel loved. And maybe you can be silly and at the bottom say, will you love me?

Yes, no, or maybe and put little check boxes. And then tell him, it would be amazing if you gave me a roadmap to your heart. Because we're in the fourth quarter of our lives, we're in the fourth quarter of our marriage. And we get to decide what happens next. We get to choose it. I was thinking about, you know how you tell parents with kids to get a journal and put it on the pillow every night or every time you write in it.

I just don't know if he would play but that's if he doesn't understand. This is a roadmap to my heart He'll think he's got another chore to do If he knows I don't understand this it's the same as I used to I've told on the show million times I did not understand what chit chat meant to my wife It felt unproductive. It felt like I could be doing other things like paying bills, like fixing some at the house, like doing some in the yard, like doing something. She just wanted me to sit there while she made dinner and talk about the day.

Listen, sometimes not say anything, just be there. But it took her saying that 30 minutes of no phone, no screen, no action, just us, means the world to me. And then I had a choice. I could go, I ain't doing that. We got every minute counts. Or I could say, cool. She went on a limb and said, this is how I feel loved. As her husband, I'm gonna provide that

Game on And then occasionally I say I love chit-chatting with you Yeah But y'all have gotten in this weird and what I want to tell you is that dancing isn't... Someone's got to... I say this all the time, someone's got to turn the music off and turn the lights on. I feel like I'm the one who does it all the time.

Okay, then say, I don't want to do that anymore and I will take the consequences. Or choose to go one more time and say, this is what love looks like, I want one of these maps for you. How can I love you? What are three things that scare you about the next 10 years? What are three things that excite you about the next 10 years? You can't retire and do nothing. What do you want to do?

Well, and that's the thing. He has a boat. He goes fishing and takes a dog for a walk all the time. And you know, that's it. Have you ever said, I want to go fishing with you? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a fishing license. I'm the bomb. Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, I have a fishing license. I'm the bomb. Okay But I'm also Cinderella that the weather has to be just right, okay So I think here's the deal at some point somebody has to say I Don't want to have to go first again, but here we are

Or I'm not going first anymore and I'm willing to lose my marriage. I'm willing to lose everything over it because I'm not going first again. And I don't like the way you've gotten grumpier and grumpier and grumpier. As we finally got this thing we've been talking about for 10 years and I can judge you for the grumpiness or and get curious what in the world we finally got it. We're free. We got enough money. We got enough everything. Be curious about it. Curiosity is an invitation. Judgment is a declaration of exclusion. Get out of here.

But it's one of those things like, yeah, you've done a ton of work and it's easy to look around and be pissed off that everyone else isn't doing that work. What I'll tell you is that doesn't get them closer to the work. Makes them feel more ashamed. It makes them feel more frustrated. It makes them feel more annoyed and they get further and further away. So maybe after he gets off the phone from the intake, unable to work the computers that even the intake requires, bringing him a cup of decaf coffee at night at night and putting

your hand on his arm and saying, Hey, that was hard. I remember all the way back to the first time I did a counseling appointment. That's hard. I'm proud of you for making that call and I want you to know that I feel loved. Why did she do that? No, no, no, no. I'm going to hold your face and look you in the eye. I want you to know that I'm proud of you and that made me feel loved. This is step one to a pretty amazing fourth quarter in our lives. I get to pick. I get to of you. And that made me feel loved. This is step one to a pretty amazing fourth quarter

in our lives. I get to pick. I get to pick that. Or I can roll my eyes and be like, I can't believe you're so mad about that. Merlifer. Especially in older men, shame often comes out as anger. I don't know how.

I know how to build a building. I know how to landscape a property. I've been a contractor my whole life. I don't even know how to talk to my wife. It's a skills issue. I think your marriage has all the upside in the world. I really do. I think it's both of you all who are tired wondering why each other doesn't like each other.

I think it's both of you all setting the ego tired wondering why each other doesn't like each other. I think it's both of y'all setting the ego down and saying, here's the path to my heart, I need a path to yours, and I'm going to commit to do it. Will you commit to? If both of y'all can do that and learn some new skills in therapy, man, you're going to have an awesome fourth quarter. You get to choose what happens next. Both paths are going to be hard. Just choose your heart.

We'll be right back. All right, listen, folks, you can't just think your way to being emotionally or mentally well and you can't just think your way to having good relationships. We all have to also focus on our physical health, and that means regular exercise, weight training and movement. And I know it's cold and dreary outside, but our bodies still have to move. And with so much noise out there, it can be hard to know even how to get started. So if you're finally ready to start an exercise program, or if you've been a lifelong lifter

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You can get it a week earlier and don't forget to hit subscribe. Leave five star reviews. It makes all the difference in the world. Here's something I want all of you to try based on that last call Only you do write ten things That you would love for your spouse or partner to do ten things. Here's a roadmap to my chest to my heart And then ask them will you give me yours

And I'm just gonna have, I'll have like a, it's like a key, a roadmap, a path. Sometimes we get in the habit of trying to love people the way we wanna be loved, and we expect them to see it and know it in his heart. Ask for a roadmap and give one. Just see what happens next. Love you guys, stay in school, don't do drugs.

Peace! Bye!