The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do I Get My Husband To Step Up?

Episode Date: April 19, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A wife sick of feeling like the sole leader in her household - A woman worried about her clients’ mindset about government assistance - A man choosing to raise a child he has no legal obligation to Lyrics of the Day: "Daughters" - John Mayer Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney show. I need help. Like, I'm a mess. How do I deal with a husband that just doesn't lead? What does that mean? Well, he doesn't bond with our son. Usually when somebody, I'm going to make some people mad. Hey, what's up? This is John, the Dr. John Deloney show.

Talking mental health, parenting, education, whatever's going on in your life. What's going on with your kids, what's going on with you, what's going on with college, with middle school, elementary school, whatever is going on in your world. Here to walk alongside you. Here's what the show's about. Helping you have a better marriage. Here's what the show's about. Helping you to take control of your mental health. Help you figure out what's going on in your kids' schools, what's going on in the world around us, what's going on in your business, whatever's going on in your life. My goal is to sit here and walk alongside you. I just said sit here and walk alongside you. I got to pick one of those things.

I'm not just going to sit here. I am going to walk with you, and we're going to figure out the next right move. To the just countless folks who have written in their stories for success, thank you so much. When I do this show, there's no audience here. I mean, and I always am talking about the audience, and I'm like, it's packed out there. Usually, that means there's one or two people that just showed up early. I do this show and then I go to some meetings and then I go lock myself in a dark room and write for a while. Then I just go home. And so your feedback is such a gift. It's just a gift. Those of you who write notes and let me know, Hey, I started trying this thing and my marriage is better. I've connected

with my seven-year-old again. I'm a better parent. I'm a better dad. All those, those stories, um, are just like cool water in a desert. So thank you so much for sending those in. Um, don't forget to hit the subscribe button. It means all, it makes all the difference in the world. Uh, hit the subscribe button, um, five-star reviews, all that kind of thumbs up, whatever you, I don't know what, what buttons you're pushing these days on the interwebs, but push the good ones for us. And we'll be super, super grateful for you. Let's go out to Elizabeth in the NYC. What's up, Elizabeth? How are we doing? I'm good, Dr. John. How are you? We are rocking on. How's things in New York? Oh boy, it's crazy. I mean, it's cold one day. I

mean, we got spring today. We'll probably have winter tomorrow, fall the next day. It's crazy i mean it's cold one day i mean we got spring today we'll probably have winter tomorrow fall the next day it's crazy out here but hey gotta love it this is new york right we're crazy out here hey you you said it not me i'll just let you i'll let you have that one oh you're done so what's up oh what is it up dr john um? Geez, I need help. I'm a mess. I just don't know where to start. I mean, I'm a mess. My life's a mess.

My marriage is a mess. But I'm struggling, struggling for a long time now with my marriage. I mean, how do I deal with a husband that just doesn't lead? Usually when somebody, I'm going to make some people mad. Usually when somebody tells me their husband's not leading, that means that their husbands are terrible mind readers or they're super lazy and they won't get a job. They're just, they're just, they're just bums. So tell me what is, what does the phrase, he's not a leader.

What does that mean to you? Um, yeah, I guess, well, I guess underneath that is that he just doesn't give his hundred percent. I mean, it's, it's, what does that mean? He,

he, well, he doesn't like bond with our son. I am overwhelmed with responsibilities that, you know, I need help with. And I've asked for this help from him for years and nothing changes.

Okay, let me hop in right here. Two things. Number one, he's not giving 100%. It's very different than he's not bonding with his son. I mean, but I count that as not giving your 100%. No, I'm telling you, he's failing his son. Exactly. That's not giving 100%.

I tell my son. I get it. Yeah, so here's what's important for me. I get it. I can already tell you have to be very careful with your language in your home, don't you? I do. Okay, can't do that here. We have to be super honest with each other in your home, don't you? I do. Okay. Can't do that here.

We have to be super honest with each other. Is that fair? Very, yeah. Okay. Your husband is failing your son. Mm-hmm. Right? Now, number two, you said you've been telling him for years.

This is you and me, two new best friends. Have you been very clear? Or have you said things like, I could just use some help around here. I sure am tired, hoping he would understand that means, hey, we need help with bedtime, need to re-roof the house, and then we need help with dishes. Or have you said, will you please help with the dishes? Oh, my goodness. It's been, Dr. John, it's been 14 years, 16 years together, and I couldn't even begin to imagine how many times we've had this conversation.

It's straightforward. I've even had to switch when we have these conversations like i know it can't be you know after an argument or when things are tense i've tried to talk about it when we're calm and things are good i've tried to uh you're gonna hate my answer oh my god you know what i'm gonna say everything i've tried everything that's not true you don so. I know. So how you're still there. Oh my God. Well, it's true, but, but, but we have been separated twice, almost got divorced like three years ago. And I mean, I, I really, I, it's like, I want to, to, I want to work this. I want to keep my family together. He doesn't, he doesn't Elizabeth. He doesn't want that. He wants a maid and he wants someone, he wants someone to take care of his kids. So he doesn't have to. And he wants someone

to sleep with every, every once in a while yeah that that yeah that that's ridiculous it's been months and months and months like how can i and my my main thing that elizabeth he doesn't want it hi he doesn't i mean behavior is a language what's he telling you i don't care what you need I don't care what's going to make you whole. I don't care what's going to make you well. I care about me. Right. Why are you, but you're, but you're fighting it.

You're like going to the ocean. You're getting mad at the waves. It just is the only thing you can control here. You can't. So your question to me was how do I deal with the husband who won't lead? You can't, you can only deal with you. Yeah. You're staring at a purple unicorn and you so badly want it to be red and it's not.

It's not. Oh, man. But it's like, oh. But like, and then it's too, it's like, it's been 14 years. Like, what am I going to do? Like, like be out there, a divorced mom, like struggling with two kids. Like, I, I just. What message do you want your kids to get?

Oh, geez. That this is what love looks like, or this is what self-respect looks like. You know what? It's crazy because my best friend kind of said something like that to me. And I thought about our daughter. Since the age of 10, this child has been saying, I'm never getting married. I am never having kids. I don't want any of that. And I think back and I'm like, how at 10 years old does she figure this out already? She absorbs it. It's the air she breathes.

Because she sees. Why? It's the air. She sees your disdain. She sees all the stuff that I have on my plate. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. She feels your resentment. She No, no, no, no, no, no. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. She feels your resentment. She feels how much you disdain that man when he walks in the room because you can't stand him.

Yeah. But more than that, you can't stand you, Elizabeth. Because in every facet of your life, in every facet of your life, you are a straight gangster. You're a great mom. You're a great provider. No matter what it is, you get it done. Yeah. Except for some reason, you don't think you're worthy of being loved.

So you just keep taking it. You just keep taking it. You just keep taking it. Or your fantasy about what you want this thing to look like has more weight than somebody sitting down at the kitchen table before you go to work and saying two things. Every day I thank God that I get to be your husband. And how can I love you better today? Oh my God. I'm, I'm sorry because it's, it's so true. Like I swear. Why, why do you think so little of my friend Elizabeth? Cause I like her.

It seems like since the day I was born, I've just been in survival mode, Dr. John. Like I've had to fend for myself in so many different areas of my life. My parents split up and from the age of seven, I didn't have my father in my life and I've just been out here just trying to make it in life. You understand? And- Listen to me, listen to me, kills me because you think, okay, you're married. You have someone to do life with, but I find myself still surviving every damn day. And I'm just like, how, how do I deal with this without, without breaking up my family? That's the only thing that I think about. You're not breaking up your family. You're right. Your husband did it. He has.

Your husband... Your parents were divorced. Y'all are essentially divorced too. You don't sleep together. You don't do life together. You don't share expenses. Y'all don't do anything together. No. Except you have this fantasy'all don't do anything together. No.

Except you have this fantasy that I'm keeping the family together. You're not. Y'all are divorced. You just live in the same apartment in New York. It's true. It's true. That's how I feel. I feel like a little mom most times anyway.

It is. You have more laundry to do. Yeah. Now, I never, I want you to hear me very carefully. I'm using a technique on you, okay? Okay. Here's the technique I'm using. I am hitting the pendulum really hard in one direction. And the reason I'm doing that is, I want you to push back hard and say no. No, no, no This man loves me and I love him. I am not in the business of telling people to get married unless Very rare situations. I mean, I mean, i'm sorry. I'm always telling people to get married. I think marriage is awesome I'm, not in the business of breaking up marriages telling somebody they should get divorced

Right, uh, except in very rare moments So i'm leaning on you And every time I ask a harder and harder question, you're like, oh God, you're right. Oh God, you're right. Oh, it's true. It's true. I want to honor your sweet, beautiful nine-year-old kid

that's still wondering why dad left. Why? What was so wrong with me? I was a beautiful little girl. Why'd you leave me? That's exactly what I did for so long, you know? Yeah, your body, you still are. But he left.

Your husband left. I don't want my son to think that there's something wrong with him because his father doesn't want to spend time with him, get to know him, do things with him. I don't want my daughter to think that there's something wrong with him because his father doesn't want to spend time with him get to know him do things with him i i don't want my my daughter to think that there was something wrong with her like like but you can't but you can't make that choice your husband has to be a father and he's choosing not to so he has taken that cinder block and dropped it into their tiny little backpacks and said hey y' y'all carry this. I want to do something else.

Yeah. How can I accept this though and stop because the resentment is building up and it's building up and I can't help but change the way I see him. This is not the man

who I thought I married. But it is the man you married. Dr. John So listen, choose guilt over resentment Choose guilt over resentment What What I mean That means I can do one of two things

And I'm just going to make up a story Because she doesn't do this If my mom says hey For Thanksgiving y'all are driving all the way to texas and i'd say hey we can't we can't afford that drive it's too far for that short of a time and she said and she she says something like you will be at my house we do thanksgiving at my house you will be here i don't care where you live. Don't disrespect your mom that way. If she were to do that, and again, my mom would never do that. If she did, I would have a choice.

I could pile my family up in the car, put the trip on a credit card, and be raged out angry the entire trip. When my daughter says, Daddy, I got to go to the bathroom, I'm going to say, come on, come on, just hold it. I can be that dad all the way there. And all during Thanksgiving, I could be annoyed that I was there checking my phone, waiting to see what work stuff I'm missing. Then all of a sudden, my mom says, hey, go pick up some pizzas. So I got to put more money on the credit card, right? I'm just going to end in rage, in resentment, in ash. Or I can say, mom, I can't make it this year.

We are not coming. I love you. If you choose to take this as a sign of disrespect, you're free to. I think the best way I can show you respect is to honor my wife and my kids and my family because you taught me to do that. And I'm going to do that in this season. And I'm going to hang up the phone. I'm going to feel so guilty for bailing on my mom, but I'm not

going to drag me and my family through the hell that is resentment. That feeling of just disdain when somebody walks in. Right. Or if he looks at you and says, hey, we can get the kids to bed early tonight. And you just want to throw up like Like, gross. You know what I mean? Yeah. Or he comes home drinking again, or he comes home not at all, and then he shows up the next day and wants to know where breakfast is. Like, just all of it. All of it. Right. Your kids are absorbing every second of that. And that seven-year-old little girl still wondering why he leave me too. He's sitting on my couch, but he left me too. Why?

Why? It's so true. And so here's the hard place where you find yourself. It's a place where I don't like to be. I don't know anybody who likes to be here. You have to choose reality, not the fantasy that you want to keep up, not the protection of that seven-year-old little girl. She's been fighting your fights for a long, long time, Elizabeth. You have to choose reality.

For 14 years, I've told my husband, I need some help help I need you to love me Enough to help out with these kids. I need you to take your son and Connect with this young boy Who's looking to you as the picture of what manhood looks like what fatherhood looks like what love looks like what compassion looks like What responsibility looks like I need you to connect with your daughter My dad didn't do that to me and i'm still haunted by it. I need you to Make sure that girl knows that come hell or high water, she's the most beautiful thing that ever walked the earth. And there will be a man that loves her every moment for the rest of her

life. And that's her dad. And if he chooses not to do that, you've got to live in that reality. And then you've got to ask yourself that terrifying question. What am I going to do next? And I'm not saying you got to get divorced i'm not saying that at all But you've been separated separate several times you almost got divorced like you've been down this road before But something keeps bringing you back and it sounds like it's the fantasy. It's the picture of I also know that the data is really clear when Um a woman chooses to leave, especially a woman with kids, her net worth goes down.

The chances of ending up in poverty are significant. It's hard. And more frustrating, his net worth often goes up. Super frustrating. I get all that. So I know there's a lot of complications here. You've got to get some friends in your corner that you can sit down and lay all your stuff out

and say, here is reality. What am I going to do next? What am I going to do next? You've been fighting for a long, long, long time. Let's set the gloves down and let's exhale. And let's get some water and let's meet with our coaches and figure out what's the game plan. Because what we've been doing isn't working.

It sounds a lot like you got one option left. I don't want to put that on you, but it sounds like you've done everything you could. And you could put your head on your pillow at night knowing, I gave it my all. I gave it my all. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks,

I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey

and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, let's go out to Lucy in Jacksonville. Lucy in the sky. What's up, Lucy? Hey, Dr. John. How are you?

Partying. What are you up to? I am sitting in my office wondering if you can help me with something. I'm not partying. We can help each other. Let's do this. Alright, so what's up? Sounds good. So I have the awesome privilege of running a

crisis pregnancy center in a rural town. Oh, good for you. Can I celebrate you? Thank you. Yeah, thank you. It takes a lot of us, not just me. I know, but you don't make enough money for what you're doing. It says crisis pregnancy on your business card,

but you do way, way more than that. And you do that way, way for more people than just those scared, terrified, soon-to-be moms who show up at your front door. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's an awesome privilege. You're such a gift, man.

You're on the express. I'm grateful for you. Thank you. All right. So how can I help? Thank you. Okay. So obviously, in your case as well, over the time that we have with individuals, we're not going to be able to make a difference in each of their lives because they each have a choice.

But I do want to focus on making a choice for some that are looking at, depending on the government, for a lifetime of assistance instead of just for a season. Again, very rural area. a lot of Section 8 housing, like the majority of the town is Section 8 housing, government assistance, free school lunches, and it's generationally just accepted that that's how they have to live. And we have financial classes in place beyond just our parenting and pregnancy classes, that we want to incorporate some sort of different tactic or some sort of additional tactic that I can speak into their lives that, hey, you are worth so much more than just living this one check from the government every month and beyond. You are worth going to school if that is something that you want to seek out.

How can I get them to listen to me when generationally it's been accepted? It's even encouraged, Dr. John, in our area to have children to continue this cycle. And again, I'm not going to reach everybody, and that's okay. But for the one that will listen, what's a tactic that I can incorporate that I may not be thinking of now? Man, that's such a great, great, great question. And you know this, so I'm saying this for the audience. You're talking about asking somebody who's watched their grandparents and their parents and their friend's grandparents and their friend' parents jump in a stream that's just going to carry them on. And what we're asking them to do,

what you're asking them to do is, I want you to walk into the ocean and swim against that tide. And I want you to swim all the way out because you have no idea what's out there, farther than you can see. Absolutely. So what we're asking them to do is something virtually impossible, and here's why. They have no picture of what this looks like. It's all unicorns and rainbows and cotton candy because they've never seen it.

They've never experienced it. They don't know what it is. So it's like I just think about like when I was a high school teacher and you'd listen to kids talking about like making out with, with, you know, somebody who had never made out them trying to explain it to each other was, was always hilarious. Cause it's like, you are in, you have no idea. Right. And so, um, and probably of all the, the analogies i could have given you that was the worst like just high school boys talking about making out but here's here's the thing they have to have a new picture of what this looks like and this new picture is going to be at odds with

everything they know and so i'm thinking of a couple of things I've used over the years. Almost always it is involving people who have left, made the changes, and inviting them and sometimes paying them to come back. Okay. Because somebody who's left and has gone on to community college and then gone to get a four-year degree at a local school or whatever the thing is. They went and got their welding certificate and they're making some money. They walk back in the door and everybody goes, oh, that person looks just like me. That person's me. You, Lucy, you're not. You're the boss.

You're miss, right? You're the man. You're the, in parentheses, whoa, you're the man, right? But she looks just like us or he looks just like us. This is years ago that I read this literature, so it may have shifted, but it used to be that somebody walks into a room that's full of people and they scan that room for right to left or left to right. And they give that room seven seconds for their body to decide I belong here or I do not belong here. Somebody stands up in front of them and says, I'm one of you. You get seven seconds. And again, that's not precise, but somebody who's been there and comes back is

crucial. Somebody who's had success at a local school or is in school now that comes back and says, let me tell you about how different your life can be. Somebody who crawled their way out. There you go. And most people who crawled their way out had a coach or somebody that carried them a little bit of the way, or that one English teacher or that one geometry teacher, whoever, who said, hey, hold on. My mom is a perfect example of it. Just didn't have any pictures of educated women in her family lineage. And then one teacher at one community college class said, hey, I don't know if you know this, but you're the smartest kid in this class. She's like, I'm not a kid.

I'm 43 years old. And she says, I know. And I don't want you to stop. And you've probably heard me talk about my mom here, but zero schooling until 42, none. And graduated with her PhD at 57. And she's in her 70s and she's going to do her last summer at oxford this summer like she's just a complete back second half of her life but because a couple of professors said holy smokes you got something really special right and they just she said i can be one of you guys i can be one of y'all, right? And so that's number one.

The second one is often I find people, so I have a thing. Whenever I go do public, I go do speeches, I go do talks. I always have really misleading titles of my talks. And here's why. People look at that title, they prejudge it, they call it, they already think they know how this thing ends and they check out before you even start. So I want you to look at that title, they prejudge it, they call it, they already think they know how this thing ends, and they check out before you even start. So I want you to look at the names of your classes. If you have a parenting class, a how to be married class, and then a money class, it's very easy to look at that and go, I don't need that. I got that. My check just comes. if you had a life 101 course or a how to be happy course or how to have less um abuse in your life course and in these like and i'm trying to think of just titles that might appeal to folks in um

that you are working with um folks who have been on the other side of opiate recovery and they're and they can come back and say hey here's what this looks like on the other side of opiate recovery and they're, and they can come back and say, Hey, here's what this looks like on the other side of this. Right. Cause I know you deal with that too. I'm certain. So being able to say, um, here's a class that you might be interested in, in that class, we're going to weave the financial principles into that class. Um, this is an aside.

I'm going to send you five financial peace university courses that you can give away. Okay. Thank you. For a year. And so if somebody comes in and it's all the videos, they can log in, check out all the videos. You could probably even show the videos in a class. I don't know how all that works. You can talk to Jenna and figure out how that works. But yeah, we've already got one client in there and she's loving it with her husband. Okay. All right. Great. The one cool thing is, is most people think Financial Peace is just about getting out of debt and that's a part of it, but it's the, the, the master mastery of that course is empowerment. You can do anything right. And there's something about, here's a tiny direct path. It's very simple and it's very straightforward. So even when you get

into the dark and you're in the middle of the ocean and you've been swimming and you can't see shore and you can't see where you're headed you know that okay i just gotta keep going i just gotta keep going i just gotta keep going so those are a couple of my ideas there um what's something you've tried that doesn't work at all we encourage um continuing education a lot of our clients come without even a high school diploma. So if they promise to go to their help classes to study for the GED test, we pay for that test. So that is one thing that we would love to see more clients take advantage of. It just doesn't happen. I don't know if that's a strategic thing where we have to find some babysitters

or we have to just speak more encouragement into there that I can do it. Because like you said, not every teacher is going to encourage them and do that. What I noticed is just taking something simple, like Maslow's hierarchy, a lot of the programs like, hey, we're going to help you handle your money. We're going to help you get a job. We're going to help you um go to school and on maslow's hierarchy it you can't do those higher order things if i'm afraid of getting my head bashed in at night or if my granddad comes home and lives with us and he's methed out all the time or if mom has taken my check and forging my social security number and taking our my baby's formula money too right so it's i tended to use

the um maslow's hierarchy to say how many of these needs can i solve on my own and how many of these can i make sure that there are a referral direct referrals and not just well here's the list of psychiatrists in the area but where are some direct i'd go meet with, but where are some direct, I'd go meet with people, but where are some direct referrals and resources there on that Maslow's hierarchy that would allow people to then come in and go, okay, my kids are safe. I'm safe. I got a warm place to live. I got a full belly. Now I'm ready to learn. I'm ready to change my life. And that's hard for folks who are living in a section. I mean, just who are just grinding it and grinding it and grinding it.

I think this would be a fun retreat for you and your staff to just reimagine the whole thing and say, how do we provide pictures so that the folks who walk in our doors can say, okay, I'm here. Oh, I see her. I could be there.

I see him. I could be over there. I could be there. I see him. I could be over there. I could be there. Where is a men's group for a group of guys to get together in your community just to say, I'm not okay. How are you guys? Or a group of new moms or a group of where can people get together and see each other? And then you get a new picture and you get a new picture. Then I can suddenly, I suddenly have a path forward. When that one kid in your neighborhood makes it out, everybody goes, okay, I can do that. If he can do that, I can do that. And I may not make it all the way to where he made it, but I can at least

go for it. Thank you so, so, so much for your work, Lucy. Hope that helps. You're infinitely more wise in this stuff than I am because you're living it every day, but I hope those couple of those suggestions weren't too lame, and I hope they help a little bit. We'll be right back. All right, let's go to Panama City and talk to Connor. What's up, Connor?

How we doing? Hey, John. Thank you, Jenna, and the rest of the team for taking my call today. How are you doing? I'm doing outstanding. And I appreciate you being on the show, man.

So what's up? How can I help? Yeah. Yes, I guess I want to start it off with a little bit of background on this one. So Ken and I had a conversation last week. The question I'm going to ask you kind of stemmed from a conversation he and I had over employer issues that I'm having now. It really is on flexibility on my work schedule and a little bit, and then positional limitations for growth, promotion, things like that that have been happening over

the last few months, ever since we've had some turnover of organization. So bottom line, I'm helping raise a child that's not mine genetically or adoptively, but I do have some in loco parentis stuff against it. So I do have some responsibility-wise and legal skill for her. Why? A little bit of background on that situation. Yeah. This next fiance's child. So her and I are not together.

I'm kind of doing a single parent duty thing over here. The girl's one and a half and she's adorable. Love her to death. But my employers have had some issues with me. Let me stop. Let me stop right there. Let me stop right there. Why are you involved at all in this?

So her and I, we split up a few years ago when we didn't see eye to eye on our values. They didn't lie. We dated for years and she went up to Georgia after we split up, got pregnant. The guy, after four months of pregnancy, dipped out, got out of the picture. She came back down to Florida and I found out about it through a mutual friend of ours. And I come from a family background where I was raised by single parents. My mother took off when I was very young, and I know what kind of impact that can have on a child. And I feel like God put me in a place now to where I'm able to support both mentally and

financially for the child on my side here. But being able to have, you know, a dual parent household there is awesome. Even if we aren't together, it's still good to have two parent figures in my eyes. I think you're setting everybody up for an amount of heartbreak that is going to be devastating on the Richter scale. And here's why, here's why. You're playing dad. You're performing dad. And you's why. Here's why. You're playing dad. You're performing dad. And you're not.

This girl's always going to wonder why her daddy left her. This little girl's always going to be grateful for this man who just literally materialized and helped with groceries and diapers, but also allowed mom to punt the responsibilities of raising a kid. You're playing, you're playing dad and you're pretending to be in a family with a woman that y'all, y'all made an adult choice. We're not right for each other. And we shook hands and we parted ways she went and got pregnant happens love her i don't don't have a an ill ill will like an ounce of ill will in my heart for her not i want the best for her

but then you came and swooped back in and tried to fast forward your lives three or four or five years see what i'm saying like it's it this ends in a supernova at some point either you meet somebody she meets somebody and he cuts you out completely i mean the whole thing's uh in local parenthesis is a is a doctrine it's not law right right? It's in place of the parent. It's, I don't know, this whole thing feels like, man, it's about to get real, real messy. Am I crazy or do you know? I've been around. Sorry, go ahead.

Tell me I'm crazy. Be like, hey, you're an idiot. You don't actually know. No, I mean, you're spot on with that. And that's really been my concern since the beginning of all this, but I've been in her life since before she was born. I mean, I drove in South Carolina when I was at work there. I'm part-time uniformed and full-time federal contractor, so I was up there in South Carolina for work for a while, came down for her birth. I was here, so I mean, I'm dad to her.

In my eyes, she's my daughter, but we're having issues. But you're not. We have to figure out the father situation in Georgia and all we're having issues but but you're not figure out the father's situation in georgia and all that i know but you're not and you're not with her mom yeah we try to make it work but of course the values didn't align it's not gonna work yeah yeah and so the the man you have one of the best hearts I've ever met. Thank you. But it's being applied in a way that is going to be so,

it's just, I just don't see a way this plays out. Yeah. And that's always been inking in the back of my heart too, something that's really concerned me, really something that's added an extra strain and stress. And my employer is now adding to that portion too, by making my life harder here in the office, by not accommodating me on certain things with taking care of her. When I get sick, she gets sick, childcare dropping off daycare in the morning. So they're under the premise of,

well, this is not your child. You don't have a responsibility. So I'm taking off work these times and you don't have to i i see their point it's not your kid um and the other side of it is if you want to continue pretending she's your kid you're gonna have to find that's on you to find a place that's going to be flexible in that way and it would be cool if they were just like hey do you're growing up do whatever you want to do um i just don't or on the occasion you want to take you know like i'm gonna take my neighbor's kid in because my neighbor's kid's sick and my neighbor's got to work but like i'm just being a great neighbor right that's that's that's something but all the time man that's tough

yeah and it's one of those things where it's not a huge like it's not affecting my workplace performance any on this side currently but it's just the whole dynamic of the situation and they know about it they know my past with the mother and they kind of know the situation they don't agree with that on their side so they're not really accommodating anything on that hand which they have the right to do and i know it's one of those things where it's i want what's best for the child at the end of the day and it's one of those things where it's, I want what's best for the child at the end of the day. And it's one of those things that's heavy on my heart because I've waited so long to the point where I'm now attached and now other issues are starting to span from it.

But now it's like a decision factor has to be played when she's a year and a half. I mean, she won't know the difference right now. Don't just think of me as some guy who may not even know me years from now before they have that. I'll tell you this. I think I've talked about it on the show before. I think my son was two and a half or three. I have to go back and see. Maybe four.

I don't know. He's older than I... Maybe four. My wife was doing some consulting right outside of Sao Paulo, Brazil. So they paid for us to fly in. So my son and I just took like a 14-day trip. Maybe it was 12 days.

We were just there forever. And it was just me and him hanging out, catching two, I mean, not catching, but like two cans were landing and we were eating mangoes and avocados like off a tree, just in a yard. And it was amazing. Rode donkeys.

He remembers zero, none, zero. And I mean, I thought like we made this super none zero yeah he has no memory at all and i tell you that like um there will the the the biological psychological emotional spiritual consequence that machine is already in motion her dad left her gone disappeared and i'll tell you this he might show just show right back up and he might not who knows yeah but he she she's one and a half your ex-fiancee uh i mean like let me just ask you a hard question like what do you like why are you doing this is it because were you jealous that that somebody else got her pregnant like why what brought you back into this it really wasn't that it's more from i guess my past experiences really kind of went round circle and i saw an opportunity for me to be in a child's life and make a huge difference on her mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, you know, being there as dad, that's always been something that I wanted to do and wanted to have.

And I just, I thought this was a God thing to bring her back in my life. Maybe it was one of those deceitful things that I thought was a God thing, but it was a mean thing acting irrationally. And it, I knew the dynamic was going to be hard. that I thought was a God thing, but it was a me thing acting irrationally. I knew the dynamic was going to be hard. I just didn't expect myself to go through this amount of turmoil this early on. And it's not a mental turmoil of a stance where I have an issue with the child or an issue with their mother. It's now like other things in my life are starting to get impacted by it when, I mean, in reality it shouldn't be an issue,

but it's just they know it to be not what an example they think will be right for me to do and good for me, and they're looking out for me, and they're making my life harder to try to almost force me into making a decision. Well, I don't know that your employer's got that responsibility. To me, that responsibility lays on my close friends and people who I've given permission, my mentors who I've given permission to hold me accountable for things. Yeah. They've been treating me like a child a lot here, and that's really one of the things I want to bring elsewhere as well.

They've been limiting my growth potential on my age, one of the guys I work with. I've been in the organization seven years. I'm 26, started there when I was 19. And all the guys I work with, they're, I mean, my boss is about to retire. He's 62. Like, the average age is 46, 50 in the organization. It's an Air Force command. So we're in charge of Air Force forces in the United States. So it's a pretty good response. It's a pretty big responsibility and a big job, but I've demonstrated myself performance wise. It's just, I don't agree

with everything going on outside. But leadership is more than performance. Leadership is also wisdom. Yeah. Leadership is wisdom. And there was nothing that made me more enraged when i was 26 year old associate dean of students that thought i knew everything and people told me i wasn't ready yet that phrase made me so enraged until i became the chief student affairs officer and i thought oh my gosh i was not ready you know the only perspective i had was 15 years later right i can't imagine how infuriating that is to hear for me to say that so let me just say like i get that right and there's going to be a whole spate of youtube 26 year olds who are like i'm ready fine what i'm not going to argue that but like here's what i always want to keep in mind and this is right wrong or indifferent

but this is just how i choose to navigate the world um somewhat optimistically in an obnoxious way your bosses have a responsibility to maximize profits they're a for-profit company correct uh we're the air, so not really. Oh, so you're in the Air Force. Okay, okay. Well, I'm federal contracting here full-time. I'm part-time uniform, Air National Guard,

but I've been a contractor down here in Florida for several years. So is it a civilian contract? Yeah, a civilian contract. Okay, their job is to what? Make money, right? Yep. Yes.

They are going to put the people in the position that's going to help them best make the most money. Now, there's politics in every job. There's people who are idiots and have stupid egos and all that stuff. I know that exists, but I tend to operate just because it cleans my life up. If they don't promote me, it's because they thought I wasn't the person that would maximize the culture here, that would maximize profit here, that would maximize customer relations here. And if it's nefarious or I think I'm the right guy,

then I'm going to go somewhere else. And I've been doing that since October. I've been looking around, applying, it's one of those frustration points where I've been through multiple job opportunities, multiple things. But I have a very niche field. It's hard to translate on the outside.

And I get very far in the interview process. It's a frustrating one. Like halfway to three quarters of the way to even go into a final interview on site. And then I don't get it at that point. So it's been several jobs it's happened to. Here's what I think you could really benefit from um I think you need to call a licensed mental health professional and not because you have a mental health disorder I don't hear that at all but I think getting somebody that is a neutral third party that you're exchanging payment like

I like I like you would a plumber sitting sitting down with somebody and saying, here are some choices I'm making. Here's some frustrations and challenges I'm running into. And let them hold up a mirror next to you because they care about you and they're professionals, right? You're paying them. Yeah. And say, here's what I see.

Because here's what I see, Connor. I see somebody who is adjacent to the military, in it a little bit, but adjacent to it. So you're in a limbo world. You're connected to it, but through a civilian route, and that means you are not, you are kind of hierarchical, but you got stuck in this other lane over here too. And man, you loved this girl with all your heart.

And then y'all sat down and made one of the hardest adult decisions you're ever going to make, which is I love you and I probably always will love you. But that doesn't mean we're right for each other. And y'all split up. And then somebody else got your ex-fiancee pregnant, which would make any of us just mad with all, with every emotion possible. You know what I mean? Yeah.

And then you decided to try to, you're not even playing house. You're playing divorce, which is the strangest game I've ever seen. Right? Yeah. Yeah. You're playing divorce. Um, and you're, you're, if I'm never going to tell, if man, I'm never going to tell somebody who's like, God's calling me.

I'm never going to fine. Like I, I, he didn't call me. He hadn't talked to me like that, but, um, I'm not going to tell you that he didn't as an outsider. It looks like you are seeing a potential good deed and you're so desperate to become the hero in this story that you are wallpapering over common sense and you're so desperate to become the hero in this story that you are wallpapering over common sense and you're wallpapering over responsibilities and accountability and just trying to make it all right and when i do that i run the risk of really with my good

intentions and my good heart causing a huge mess if you you care and love about this girl, there's nothing to stop you from, if you want to, starting your own 529 account for her to go to college or creating something. There's all kinds of ways to participate without pretending to be an ex the whole thing's just confusing and messy that's why i think it's great for you to sit down with an adult with an adult with a licensed professional and say i've dug myself quite the hole super frustrated at work they keep overlooking me i'm 26 years old i don't know why but clearly they're not doing it because they think it's fun they're leaning on me and pressuring me and And I feel it's very, very personal. Maybe it is, maybe it's not. I don't know. And man, I created a quagmire with a beautiful one and a half year

old little girl who I love very much, but that I have absolutely no connection to a relationship whatsoever other than I used to date her mom. And now I'm in a mess. I need some help. And Connor, on Friday of last week I went and sat with a counselor for two hours the person who I think is one of the best in I'd put her up against most anybody in the United States and I said I'm in a mess

I need some help and it was an uncomfortable two hours, but I got a tiny little flashlight of hope on the back end of this thing. You're a good guy with a great heart. Just need someone to help you clarify some of the chaos and some of the mess, okay? There's a sunk cost fallacy.

It's common in business. When somebody starts a business and they put five hundred thousand dollars into it and the business starts failing They immediately want to say okay Well, i'm gonna put another hundred thousand another hundred thousand in it because i've already put five hundred. So what's six hundred? And i've already put six hundred. So what's eight hundred? And it's really easy to do that relationally, too I've already been with this girl for a year and a half, this little baby. What's another 16 and a half years? I've already, I've already.

The great, the great surgeons and the great, you know, physicians of our time know when to say, okay, we don't know what's happening, but nobody's getting well. Let's stop. Let's just stop and assess the damage. And then we'll make a new decision. And that's what I think you got to do. You got to stop at the sunk cost fallacy. You got to, it's got to pause, take a breath and look at this from 30,000 feet with somebody else by your side. I'll be here every step of the way. My brother, as you sort this thing out, holler anytime, but make that phone call today and get yourself a professional counselor that you can talk to in your area. It's going to help you light the path out of here. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point.

In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you. So you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Man, that last call is going to haunt me for a minute. This is a very unpopular opinion out in the you-go-girl, YOLO, yeah bro, world that we live in. Your best truth, which I just think is nonsense. Whatever you feel is true, whatever you want it. There's something really important about having a group of people around you that,

or maybe one, two, four, that will call you and say, hey, what are you doing? Stop. Stop. You think you're doing the right thing and you're not. Moral of the story, get some people in your life that you trust. And if you don't have those people, start with a licensed counselor. Start with a therapist. Start with a coach. Call somebody.

And then do the gnarly hard work of getting a community together. None of us make good decisions when we're emotional. We just don't. We just don't. That's not how our brains are wired. We got to have other people in our lives. Man. That's a guy who's trying to do the best he can and is just living out of some childhood pain.

What a great guy and what a mess. Be thinking about him. All right, as we wrap up today's show, it's one of my favorite songs of all time. The great John Mayer. Song's called Daughters and it goes like this. I know a girl, she puts the color inside of my world, but she's just like a maze

where all of the walls all continually change. And I've done all I can to stand on her steps with my heart in my hands. Now I'm starting to see, maybe it's got nothing to do with me. Fathers, be good to your daughters because daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers who turn into mothers.

So mothers, be good to your daughters too. That's wise. Love you guys. We'll see you soon.