The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do I Get Over My Ex-Wife’s Betrayal?

Episode Date: August 29, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: -          A man struggling with resentment toward his ex-wife -          A woman trying to stay healthy while on anxiety meds -          A man wanting to learn how to better handle conflict Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Need to talk to someone? BetterHelp is virtual therapy when it’s convenient for you. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. These are the BEST sheets and towels in the world. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Getting lots of spam calls? DeleteMe can clean up your online presence for you. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Find peace every day. Hallow is the simplest way to slow down and get your head right for the day. Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  I have Helix Midnight mattresses in EVERY bedroom in my house. Get 20% off when you visit Helix Sleep and take the sleep quiz to see what you need!  I took Thorne supplements way before I worked at Ramsey. Stoked that we can work together now! Get 25% off for LIFE at Thorne.    Head over to Poncho Outdoors to try the best outdoor performance shirt for yourself!   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Big news. New dates for money and marriage getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend 2026. Get tickets at Ramsey Solutions.com slash events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee. I've been divorced for about a year and a half now. It sounds kind of juvenile, I guess. But when I feel like she's, I guess, hurting, the rest of the week. for me, it feels a lot better. And I don't want that to be the baseline for whether I feel like I'm healing or not.

Yeah. Can I tell you something that I'm hearing? What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee. I hope you are doing awesome. On this show, we talk about your mental and emotional health and your marriage and your relationships and your kids, whatever you got going on in your life.

My promise is, I'll sit with you and we will figure out what's your next right move. All over the world, people are struggling with all kinds of things. And it's a messy, messy time. And my promise is, I may not even have the right answer, but I will sit with you and we'll figure out what is next. If you want to be on this show, I'd love to have you. Go to John Deloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, and fill out the form. And Kelly will build a show. And hopefully you can get on.

We love to talk. to you. So I got to Denver, Colorado, and talk to Jorge. What's up, George? How we doing, brother? Doing good, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing good, my man. What's going on, dude? So, I've been divorced for about a year and a half now. Share a son, 50-50 custody with my ex-wife. He needs a lot of support. He's special needs. autistic and I'm having issues kind of still holding on to resentment and anger towards my ex-wife and that does not help with the co-parenting that my son requires because he needs a lot of

support and so I'm trying to figure out how I can kind of move past that resentment and anger and um uh to better to better support him and

and to kind of foster a better relationship with my ex. What happened? Um so it's a long story. So we when we married, she came in with two kids from a previous relationship.

And so we got married. We had our son in, so we were together, I guess let me go back, we were together for 10 years, married for 7. We had our son in 2018. and I lack of due to finances and in other things I was working 60 hours a week she was working I was taking care of my son in the daytime working nights went back to school during that during COVID during that time. And the goal was to get my degree so that I could improve my position

so that she could eventually be a stay-at-home mom and we could live off of one income. And I guess just as life happens, you know, got busy. And our connection kind of fall to. and she ended up having an affair with her boss and ended up getting pregnant from that affair. And after we divorced, she moved in with him and she's been living with him since. Can I tell you something that I'm hearing? Yeah.

And again, I know this is a compressed time and I know it can be nervous. wrecking when you're like finally on the phone i get all that yeah but you told me you wanted to let go of this anger and resentment for your son so that you could so you could be a better co-parent with your ex as you just told this story i heard you blame yourself all the way through for work in 60 hours to provide for your family to also going back to school to also being a caretaker of a special needs kid during the day? Yeah. And I hear you

just beating yourself up. Not one time have I heard you say, I want peace. I want to be well. I want to be okay. And I'm interested in how, because here's a thing. There was a season when my wife was working on her master's degree and her PhD, I didn't see her very much.

And God knows, I worked through two PhDs and I was an absentee father because I was working full time and running around with police officers in the middle of the night and doing grad school all day, Saturdays and Sundays. Yeah. And neither of us slept with our bosses and had another kid.

We're not perfect. We screwed up other stuff but like somehow it sounds like you've taken this on as you're at fault here. Yeah. And I guess what I would tell you is forgiveness is a gift to you. It's this idea that I'm not going to carry around my ex-wife's choices any longer.

But if you open your eyes every morning and think, I'm a failure, I did this to her, I did this to our family, I did this to our kid. It's just going to stay in your chest forever. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, and that's the things, like, it's funny that you say that because that's kind of how I feel like when we have, you know, when we do transitions with him, when we're nice to each other and, you know, things go well, I feel horrible afterwards, and I don't know why. and when we're arguing and you know I can it sounds kind of juvenile I guess but when I when I feel like she's I guess hurting it the rest of the week for me feels a lot better and I don't I don't want I don't want that to be the baseline for whether I feel like I'm healing or not yeah so let's this is going to sound nutty but let's take her out of the equation okay take her off the table for a second you're a single dad now of a special needs kid right yeah that's a label that nobody wants right right that's an identity that's a really tough thing i i have just been with my daughter

My son has been out of town for a few weeks. My wife was in Texas helping with the flood stuff. I was a single dad for like nine days. And, dude, I would hug you if you were sitting right here. This is your whole life. You know what I mean? And my daughter doesn't have extra challenges like that. Like, you have a hard life.

Is that fair? Yeah. And you had a very clear picture of the life you were going to have with somebody that you spent a decade with, right? yeah correct have you let yourself be fully like sobbing angry yet um there's been a couple times you know uh this past year and a half two years um but i think you know let's don't go to butt yet let's just sit there for a second man and i know that's hard because when you have a special And you're a single dad, all of a sudden, you often don't have the luxury of time for grief, right? You've got to get on to the next thing.

You've got a mouth that needs feeding. You have a phone call to make. You've got ABA appointments to go to. Like, you've got stuff, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I do. Can I just tell you, man?

It keeps me running. He does. He does. I know. He keeps you busy, right? Yeah. And then you run through all day. You collapse.

And you put your head on your pillow, and it just consumes you. Yeah. Can I tell you, this may sound crazy. Man, you're right to be angry, and I want you to begin to build a life so that you have peace in it. Okay. Or I guess another way to say that is, I don't want you waking up every morning and right by the side of your bed sits a cinder block with your ex-wife's name on it. And the first thing you do

is you pick up that cinder block and say, I'm going to carry this around today. Yeah, that's how it feels. It is. And it's as though she's still sitting at your kitchen table. She's still sitting in the pickup line. She's still sitting at the gym if you decide to go. She sits by you on the couch

and just keeps poking at you. Well, it's been a little hard just because I, you know, I kept a house in the divorce and it's honestly it's been hard to stay here so why don't you sell it I'm working on it

it needs a lot of work it was lack of funds and lack of time it's it's been through a lot of neglect so I'm working on it now hold on hold on hold on I want to back up bro you are not a bad guy because money was tight

that's not why she left you and you're not a bad guy because you worked really long hours into COVID with a special needs kit. You're an amazing man. You're an amazing husband and provider. You're an amazing husband that also on top of 60 hours was like, I'm going to go back to school so I can elevate this family out of this minute-by-minute scarcity that we live in and get us to another place. Yeah.

And you deserved a wife that was going to be a ride or die with you during that time. and was going to pick up the extra slack while you were out there making it happen, not sleeping with her boss. Yeah. That's what should have happened. And this sounds ridiculous. You're not a child that when she's struggling, that you smile a little bit. I'll tell you that's like it's energy not well spent.

But there's not something wrong with you. It's a very human reality, right? Like, I hope this marriage fails. You'd be crazy if you're like, you know what, I hope this marriage is really great for her. You would be not, right? Right. And that level of anger and frustration and resentment, it just impacts you. It doesn't impact her day in one bit.

Right. And so let me ask you, underneath the fatigue, all, you sit down in this house that you say needs a ton of work, that I got to do all the stuff to. And then you end up on this loop-de-loop like, because I didn't have enough money. and I neglected and I didn't do and I didn't do can I just rephrase that dude bro you have survived

congratulations man somebody threw a grenade in the middle of your house and you jumped on top of your special needs kid to protect him and you got burned and you got scars

and you got beat up but you survived so if you've never cut you some slack hear me saying it dude I'm proud of you thank you for the first time ever I want you to begin to ask yourself

what do I want okay what do I want my life to look like and you wanted it to be married with two step kids a beautiful new seven year old son with some big challenges

but who probably loves as big as Texas too I wanted this life and that's gone now she blew it up yeah so then asking yourself, and when I say ask yourself, I want you to spend time writing it down. I know dudes don't like to journal, so I'm not going to call it a journal, but spending some time

writing stuff down, what do I want this thing to look like? Or, here's the better question, who do I want to become? Okay. Am I a guy who's a good steward of my body? Am I the best dad possible, which means I need to get some classes? Do I want to go back to grad school and get an ABA certification so I could take care of other families who are struggling with a kid who, you know, wrestles with autism, like who do you want to become do you want to stop working nights and so i'm going to start right now so the next two years i'm going to get out of this working nights or do i love working

i want you to begin to ask you for the first time and as you drive to drop your kid off this is going to sound so lame okay how verbal is your son Um, the past, the past couple years, he's, he's been getting a lot more verbal. Okay. He's not completely prolonged conversations, but he'll, uh, you know, I, I understand what he's trying to convey when he talks and, and he, he does a pretty good job of understanding me as well. Great.

Does he, does he, does he, does he like, is there a kind of music he likes? Um, yeah, he likes, um, just your standard kids. music like bluey and stuff like that perfect so here's what i want to challenge you to do and this is so lame and so cheesy but i'm doing this on purpose when you get in the car with him to drive him over to your exes i want you to create an environment of silly and laughter and fun and joy what does that mean put on a soundtrack of his favorite songs you all come up with some dances in the car and on your way over, I want you repeating the line in your mind,

she doesn't get a vote in how I feel or how this handoff is going to go. And that is not something you just flip a switch on. It's a thing you're going to practice. And so the things I'm giving you dancing, singing, creating an intentional environment of just silly is you practicing. I get to create the environment of the drop-off.

I get to create the environment of the pickup. I get to choose I'm not fighting you I'm not right I get to choose do I want to keep working nights and over the next three years work to full custody because she doesn't even want this kid like or she does want this kid she is a good mom even though she's a terrible wife and those two things aren't always the same and I'm going to honor that and I'm not going to ever talk bad about her and by the way if you're living with a guy who also got cheated on by his wife you're telling him dude we're not talking about our wives here at this house I'm not doing that. I'm not living in that world.

I'm going on with my... Yeah, a lot of that. Okay, so... A lot of that does go on. You have to decide I'm not going to come home and drink poison and hope that she gets sick from it. Okay. I'm out. But that also means you have to backfill your life with a different kind of drink, because you have to drink something. Right.

And that can be, I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to start jujitsu classes. I'm going to keep working on getting my degree. not so that we can have this life, but so that I can have this different life. Because you, my brother, deserve a life of peace. Got it? Yes, sir.

Okay. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to hook you up with my book, building a non-anxious life. I want you to use that as your roadmap, okay? Okay. I'm also going to hook you up with Financial Peace University and the every dollar app

so you can start getting control of your money. Is that cool? Yeah, I actually did start the baby steps and I've already been using the app. The app, yeah. Okay, I'm going to hook you up with the premium version of it for free, for a year, so you can connect it to your bank. I'm proud of you, dude.

You're worth a peaceful life. And, man, more men need to say. step up in their lives like you, working extra, taking full-time child care, getting a degree at night, I'm proud of you. It's an honor to get to talk to you. We come back, a woman struggles with how to stay healthy while on her anxiety meds. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. These days, it feels like there is advice for everything health-related, cold plunges, gratitude journal, screen detoxes, but how do you know if this stuff actually works for you? When I first started this show, I had a morning routine that was clinically insane.

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BetterHelp has an app store rating of 4.9 out of 5 stars based on over 1.7 million client reviews. Stop the wellness paralysis and call my friends at BetterHelp. Is it BetterHelp.com slash Deloni to get 10% off your first month? That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloni. All right, Chattanooga. Let's talk to Christine. What's up, Christine? Hi, Dr. John.

How are you? I'm great. How are you? I'm doing good. A little more nervous than I thought I'd be, but looking forward to talking to you. Well, that's all right. I'm not that great at this thing, so we don't have to be nervous, but I got you. What's up?

Oh, you're good. So my question is, how can I be physically healthy while I'm taking medications for my mental health? Tell me about it. So I have been on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications. For most of my adult life, I'll be 32. year so we'll say 10 of the last 15 years I've been taking these medications and do you mind tell me what you're on right now I'm on a sexer and then I have um quantum that I take when I have really bad panic attacks those are both pretty those are both very common and

deceptively powerful yes I have learned that and I've read horror and I've read horror stories about getting off a fixer. I've seen, I have a lived experience, not from me, but for people I love and care about getting off effects, her. That it's very tough. Yes. And that's something that I'm wanting and hoping I can do at some point. Okay. But the issue is, I've been on several different medications over the years. This was the first one we found that actually helped. Okay, great. Because my anxiety symptoms are so physical to the point that I can't, function when I'm not on them. Okay.

But with these medications, I have gained over 100 pounds, even though I'm dieting and I'm exercising. And so it feels like I'm stuck and having to choose between either physical health or mental health, and I can't have both. And I'm not sure what to do because I just feel stuck. Yeah. Very, so I don't know if this makes you feel better, but I hope it does. That's a very common experience, so you're not insane and you're not somehow extra dysfunctional, okay?

Oh, well, it sure feels that way, so thank you. I know it does. I know it does. It's a very common catch-22 people find themselves in. Is these meds take away that pain and especially takes away that it's terrifying when your body betrays you, right? When you feel your body taken off on you and you can't control, it's like your car just starts driving itself down the high. highway a thousand miles an hour and you're taking your foot off the gas and it's still dry like it's scary right and so these meds help take that away but then they come with such wild side effects

too are you married yes okay has it also affected affect affect your libido has it affected other things too yes okay because another common experiences especially with these two drugs is they turn all the switches off so they also turn off laughter they turn off joy they turn off just they just kind of pause you in this i i'm like i'm thinking of like a middle gap that it takes away all the lows of course but takes away the highs too right yeah or the best way i've heard it's phrased is joy and pain are on the same switch and so it just shuts the whole system off um what is your have you talked to your doctor about this dilemma i have um my doctor firmly believes that i'm doing something wrong with my diet and exercise and that i have control over the situation and that i just

need to figure it out um okay what i want to encourage you if you're at all able to find a new physician find a new somebody to work with i am in the process okay good because that's madness that is madness. That's like handing somebody, that's like hitting somebody on the foot with a hammer and saying, well, you just got a, like it's a documented side effect. So, he's been encouraging

me to get gastric bypass surgery, which I, I will not do. Because there was a period of about 18 months where I was completely off medications altogether and I lost 70 pounds without making any other lifestyle changes. So I know it's the medications. Well,

I mean, it's clear in the literature, right? So, I mean, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just what happens. Um, um, so yes, there is, the fact that you've gained a hundred pounds means you have consumed more calories than you are, um, expending, right? It's an energy imbalance. There's truth to that. But to hand you this really powerful prescription, multiple prescriptions, and then that have documented side effects of that is this and then say well actually you need another another invasive thing on top of the find a new physician please okay yeah yeah i am okay and so i want you to hear me say um you're under some pretty powerful narcotics and i'm not telling you to not be on those things okay but i want you to talk to somebody that will that

will be with you for your whole health or that will walk along Alongside with you, your entire health journey. Okay. You're not crazy and your pursuit of somebody who will look at you holistically and not just play whack-a-mole with symptoms is where you need to be, okay? Okay. I hate that somebody handed something this powerful to you and then blamed you for the outcomes. I really hate that for you. So can I tell you something?

Yeah. you hear me if i if i'm i want to be sensitive but i want to speak real directly to you is that okay yeah that's fine you're not gross and you're not dysfunctional and you're not somehow broken okay okay and i love the fact that you're wanting to stay healthy both emotionally and mentally and physically too so i think your first your first stop is sitting down with a physician and saying here's been my journey and here's been my experiences on these meds and off these meds. My physical health has a dramatic improvement off these medications, but then my body starts, like my anxiety is really, really powerful.

And then the other side of it is these things wipe out the anxiety, but also I lose my joy in life. I just kind of live my life this dymec, just in that little bleh. and I'm clearly eating way more than I'm moving and it's coming at a physical cost, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah, absolutely you're worth that.

And both of those meds, despite how common they are, are very powerful. And can I also recommend something? Yeah. Please don't spend one second of time on the forums, on the internet forums, okay okay it's gonna make you nutty there's whole effects are like subgroups of things

and it can just be kind of wild out in there right have you done that before i've done a little bit but i'm not hating on you i'm not hate on you i'm not hey on it's all it's all good i it it's not going to solve anything it's just going to make you further doubt every step that you take in any in any shape or fashion and everything i saw was you know it makes me gain a little bit of weight but not this much well and and again it just makes me feel like i'm crazy the the catch 22 of psychiatric meds are they do work but they work differently for different people for different reasons in different situations and different scenarios and so it's often a constant roulette game of what's going to work for this person in this situation and this season of life and this

environmental stressors and all that and so when you go to a forum you it just says this medication's great this one's bad this one's the worst this is i would it's stripped of context it's stripped of individual situations um and depending on which physician you were seeing sometimes you walk in and say hey i'm going through this this this and this and they say yeah that's exactly where you should be with what's going on in your life and then somebody else might see see you for three minutes, tag you with some sort of diagnostic, and then hand you a script and send you out the door. And so these forums just strip every nuance, every environmental stress or every everything.

Let me ask you a personal question. What is your body trying to protect you from when you get anxious? What do you mean? I'm assuming you've wrestled with some sort of anxiety, some sort of panic your whole life? Oh, yeah. Okay. What has your body been trying to protect you from? Because my basis, when I sit down with somebody is I'm assuming that if they're anxious about something, their body's probably right. The anxiety is an alarm system letting you know you're not safe. Panic is your body taking over saying you're not getting this message. I'm shutting the whole system down. Depression. That comes from trauma from my childhood.

Okay. Have you ever set? down with a good trauma therapist and said, I want to go down the rabbit hole because I want to heal my nervous system? I've sat down with a couple of different therapists over the years, and they've helped me to understand why I have the anxiety, but we haven't really been able to tackle the physical symptoms and how to rewire that. Okay. I will tell you as somebody who has personally benefited from things like really extreme, breathing

techniques with a trained professional. It sounds counterintuitive, but it was a touch-based trauma therapy. I got laid out on a counter and the trained therapist sat behind me as we went through some of my childhood stuff and she just would touch my shoulder. I mean, it was a whole body process out of the like Peter Levine's work. It was, it's, to say it's astounding is an understatement. and so there are trauma-informed therapists that not only will talk to you about it but will help your body heal and they'll do it alongside you you have to be willing that the therapy does it's awful it's not great it's not fun but on the other side of it it's i mean i can't even describe it i wouldn't have believed it's real had i not experienced it myself and so deciding i want to get with a trauma-informed therapist in my area and i want to go in and when i sit down the first day I want to say I have a real traumatic background I've been through hell

I'm here and I need to learn some trauma-informed practices to help my nervous system begin to heal okay and I'm willing to do that I know you are of course you're what that would look like or who I would even need to talk to about that but if you it's it's getting a local therapist in your area and if you have to drive to Nashville it's worth a three-hour drive right but i'll tell you if you walk around every day scared of your own body that it's going to take off on you and if you go through your whole life then blaming yourself for the outcomes and somewhat predictable outcomes of some of these medications it just further fuels the shame cycle you've been on since you little girl, right?

This idea that I'm, I can't even do medication, right? Like even the cure, I can't do it right. And I just want you to know that's not true. Do you believe me? I believe you. Okay.

You don't have to believe me, but I want that voice rattling around in your mind. And for whatever it's worth, I'm proud of you for caring enough about yourself to go get medication and go sit with a doctor. And I'm proud of you for having enough courage to say, all right, this is coming with some side effects that are as bad, if not worse, than my original challenge. Because being 100 pounds overweight will kill you too, right? Yeah.

And it hurts your knees and your back and your self-confidence and your marriage. It hurts everything. And so I don't want the solution to be as potent or more devastating than the actual issue we're trying to. solve. Have you had suicidal ideation in your life? In my past, yes. In your past? Not something recently. Okay. All right. So the words trauma-informed and sitting down with the therapist and saying, I will talk about this, but I'm interested in healing my nervous system. Can you help me with some practical steps?

And if they say, well, no, what we do here is we like to talk about things, then say, thank you so, so much. And I'm grateful for your time. Okay. Okay. And I'm confident in your area out there in, you know, in East Tennessee that there is some good resources. It can be harder to find those kind of resources in rural areas. But I want you to advocate for yourself in that way and do get with a new physician ASAP.

And if your new physician tells you the exact same thing, then go find a psychiatrist in your area. And again, I know these things are expensive. There's long wait list and all this. We're not in a huge, huge, huge rush. We want to do this right and we're going to go slow. But yeah, you taking some pretty high-power drugs in gaining weight. That's super common. Having your libido fall off a cliff, super common.

There's some really powerful side effects to some of these things. keep searching and don't do it on the internet do it with trained professionals thank you so so much for the call sister i'm going to send you building an unanxious life it's not going to be your cure all here but i want you to read it because it norms you're not crazy you're not broken your mind is struggling to keep you safe and what we want to do is teach our mind in our body we weren't safe then towards safety now in the present here. Thank you so, so much for the call. We come back.

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doing great brother how are you man oh pretty good pretty pretty excited to talk to you today for sure that's awesome what's up man so um i i i have a i've been working with this job for eight years and and it's it's working with people's investment properties and landlords and tenants and And when I first started at this company, there was three of us, and we've grown. We actually almost quadrupled in size in the eight years. And in that time frame, I have gained a lot of more responsibility and have clients that I've had for, you know, eight years, five, six, seven, eight years. And by clients, you mean, like clients, you mean tenants? Like landlord.

So we actually do represent on the landlord side. Okay. So both, both essentially, right? The more landlords represent, so we're property manager. Property manager. Okay, you're not attorneys. I thought we were saying represent. I thought you meant you're lawyers.

Okay, so you're property managers. Okay. Yeah, and we, you know, we have legal authority over properties, right? So a certain amount, right? So you're correct. As we've gained more landlords, get more tenant. So this is a bullseeing conversation. So as I've got more responsibility and gain more client relations,

I find that I'm involved in a lot more conflict, right? So we have the landlords on one side that have, you know, a lot of money invested in these properties. So they have a lot of emotion involved. You know, sometimes we have clients that have tens of millions of dollars in properties. And then obviously these are a tenant's home, right? So they have a lot of emotional buy-in. So I find I'm struggling a lot sometimes when there's a lot of conflict. I don't, I don't feel like I, I, I handle it very well tell me where the conflict is a conflict coming from a landowner is or homeowners asking you to do something unethical or mean or cruel and or is the is a tenant not wanting to pay or they're whining about everything and the the owner says I'm not fixing that all

of it okay all of it yeah so like I might have a landowner that's like hey like I'm mad at you because I feel like you did something that I wouldn't do or they're, you know, and we legally have to do this thing. And so, like, we're like trying to negotiate, like, hey, we have this landlord-tenant law that we have to follow and they don't, you know, maybe see it that way, but we've, you know, we have way more experience. And so they're yelling, I mean, on one side, and then the tenant on the other side is bad. And so I'm kind of the middleman sometimes.

And in the worst case scenario, I'm getting it from both sides and maybe a, a delicate situation, right? So a couple of things that happen here, and then I'll walk you through like the details, but you're in a very common place with a growing business, okay? Mm-hmm. And it's real easy when you start a business, especially if you start with a couple of buddies, there are a couple of guys you trust, and you're like, do we're going to grind it out and work really hard?

And y'all did this, you said eight years ago? Yeah, so it was already an established business when I onboard, but we were small, right? So I was the third person they ever hired. Okay, perfect. Perfect. The longest employee. I'm a key employee now. Okay.

It's me and the original guy who started it. And then we have an owner who has a majority, her has a majority interest that, anyways, details you probably don't need to know. Well, it is helpful. A very common thing, when you take a business and you four exit, five exit, and eight years in less than a decade. Yeah. It's easy to keep operating this much bigger business with the same. super scrappy mindset or I won't say scrappy because I always want to have a scrappy mindset but a real scarcity mindset that you started with just a few years ago and when you start a

company when you're the third hire you know a business you take all of it anyone who will give you a dollar you take that business and you make it work right yes what I want you and I'm asking you to do something you may not have the authority to do but when you 4X a business, you have bought yourself, what I would call margin, to begin to fire clients? Yeah, we started doing that, actually. Excellent. Yeah, so that part's been better. Like, we don't, like, we don't, and I've heard, you know, on the Ramsey side, Dave say,

you know, we don't take, you know, crap from other, from people and if they're abusing. So we've kind of, it's, it's just where I'm struggling is like, what's that? I'll take crap from somebody. I'll accept somebody. Well, yeah, but abuse, I guess. There you go. You just can't talk to me that. We're not going to work with me.

We needed those people out, and I've learned over the years how to spot that in the front. And it's just sometimes it's just like, I, like, I just, there's just inevitable, right, conflict with the business, and it's just like with the clients and maybe a tenant or whatever, and I just, I struggle with it a lot. I love that. Okay, so I want you to go through an exercise when you get home tonight, okay? Okay. And it doesn't have to be tonight.

I don't know what your schedule is, but I'm saying tonight to be dramatic, but over the next couple of days okay yeah and this is going to sound super cheesy but i want you to do this and there's a real purpose to it and i've done this exact thing okay okay i want you to get a small box like half the size of a shoe box okay and i want you to get six um index cards okay okay and i want you get a sharpie and i want you to sit at the table are you married by the way i am yeah okay if you're a gangster do it with your wife if you're not just do it by yourself okay okay i want you to write on this each index card a person's name but i want you to write this sentence out on each card um i'm going to say uh you're married to a woman right correct okay i'm going to say her name is janet

i don't know what her real name is okay i want you to write on this card janet gets a vote in my life I want you to write it on that card, look at it, and set it in that box. And I want you to go through the exercise of limiting down five to six people in the world who get a vote in your life. These are people that if they call you, you care how they're feeling about something you said. you care, if they call you and give you life direction, you're going to take it. Or if you don't take it automatically, you're going to take it under really strong advisement. Okay. Now, when I first did this, and it stems out of a class I had in one of my colleagues in my class.

Her name was Dr. Pearson, she was amazing, but she was one of my colleagues, well, she was one of my classmates. And it came from a line she gave me once when we were talking about therapy, about counseling. And she said, John, you get to choose who hurts you. And that was a revelation to me. Yeah. People can frustrate me. They can make me angry. They can take away my livelihood.

But I get to choose who hurts me. And so when I, on the way home, I was like, okay, this sounds so stupid. It's not like a dumb little counselory thing. But I started going through the exercise and then I sat down on my kitchen table. Who hurts? Who would I give permission? And here's who I took out of that box. My parents.

I love my parents. My parents are wise people. But they don't get to decide what I do with my kids. They don't get to decide where I go to holidays. They don't get to decide how I spend my money. They don't get a vote. I love them. I honor them, but they don't get a vote.

I have tons of peripheral buddies. I'm just a guy that likes everybody. And I realized I was giving everybody a vote. My students all got a vote. If they were like, you suck, Dr. Deloney. I didn't sleep for two nights. And then it was like, that's where I'm at. Y'all don't get a vote, man.

I get that you're frustrated. I get that you don't like the decision I made. I get that I screwed something up. But you don't get to hurt me. And it was starting this exercise and I tried to get it down to six. And then, this was super gangster. Not all of them, I think five out of the six. I called them.

And said, hey, I just want you to know, I'm giving you a vote in my life and if you ever called me out on something I'm going to I'm going to let I'm going to take it under advisement I'm going to do that thing and four of my buddies were just bros and they were like

this is a weird phone call dude and I was like I know man I know and we all laughed but to this day if one of them calls me and says hey I talk to you about something serious man I stop everything but it was me first going there and then I had to realize oh I want to please people I want to be liked so badly

that I give everybody a vote in my life and when I took unhooked the rest of the world from that inside the inside of my chest it was freeing and then it allowed me to go in and sit with people who are mad at me who are frustrated who think I'm the worst or whatever and I got to stay present there I didn't immediately unhook and try to start solving all their problems does that register yeah it does for sure because yeah that's where I struggle is like I tend to like you know want everyone to be like like me and I tend to be a people pleaser and so yeah definitely yeah so the next step is when I do that exercise I get to then begin to practice sitting with somebody who's mad at me or listening to them on the phone.

My friend Jefferson Fisher, I love the way he phrases this. It's like an old meditation practice, but he says it so perfect. My first word will always be a breath. Yeah. I'm actually reading his book right now. Okay. He's the goat. He's so great.

But my first word is going to be my breath. And that's just my reminder that I don't have to respond out of frustration. I don't have to respond out of immediacy. My first thing I'm going to do is exhale. And if they don't get a vote, then I get to decide when I respond, how I respond, and with what character and integrity I respond. Yeah. I'm not going to fight you. I am not going to violate the law for you.

and if your sink isn't fixed I get that's the worst I'm sorry if I have to refund half your rent because I blew it or me and my team blew it and I'm going to get it from the landlord on the other end

I'm going to do that because it's right by you like but you see how it just separates you from the whole thing yeah but it's going back to that people pleaser part and doing the exercise

of who am I giving a vote to I'm going to begin to say the words you don't get a vote if i'm about to get a call from somebody i'm going to say it out loud you don't get a vote just remember this guy i don't get a vote when i hang up the phone and they've been they just read me the riot act i'm going to exhale they don't get a vote i can be a great man and have blown something professionally i can be a great guy and not a great husband sometimes right and it's coming to that separation but it's a practice it's a practice that you are going to begin to practice leading with your breath

let me look into this i'll call you back do you want me to solve your problem or do you want to continue yelling or hey i'm going to hang up the phone i don't talk to people who are screaming at me when you're ready to call me back um let me call you back at 30 minutes you call me back in an hour and by the way some people get even angry when you do that because it exposes how out of control they are and how in control you are and sometimes i have to pretend to be in control and I hang up the phone and I'm enraged and it's cool it's fine I'm just practicing but I'm just going to lead with my breath and as Jefferson does so well I'm not as good as him by a hundred miles but being able to say like hey you're you're yelling

really loud I can't I'm having a hard time hearing you you're really angry I can hear it are you angry about this you're angry about something else and it's some point you sit down with your boss and say we're going to let this client go because we're not going to take abuse our company has enough margin we're a big enough company and we have enough dignity and respect for ourselves that we're not going to take that but it doesn't sound like that's where you are it's not like you got a pretty amazing boss it sounds like more like this has been happening your whole life and you're 30 and your husband your dad you're a business owner I'm worth standing up for myself and I'm worth not everybody on planet earth having a vote and you are right thanks for

call brother we'll be right back hey it's deloni for hallow the number one prayer meditation app in the world right now everybody is juggling work family and a million other things and in this chaos we often forget to pause and reflect but creating peace in your life doesn't just happen we can't just stumble our way into reflection and peace and calm we have to be intentional about it we have to choose it and that's where Hallow comes in. Hallow provides you amazing opportunities to slow down and reconnect with what matters most you and your spiritual life. One of the best features on Hallow is the daily reflections with Jeff Kavens because he helps you connect scripture to real life joys and real life challenges. Or if you're struggling with anxiety and feeling overwhelmed, Hallow offers mental health

meditations and prayers that I have personally found useful. From healing emotional wounds to establishing healthy habits, these guided prayers give you words of comfort and longing when you're all out of things to say. If you're ready to find some peace in the chaos and some purpose in your life and to learn how to be intentional about it, check out Hallow. Right now, when you sign up at hallow.com slash Deloni,

you get three months of the app for free. That's three months of the app for free. Go to Hallow, H-A-L-O-W.com slash Deloni. Go check them out. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? All right, this is from Jennifer in Webster, New York. and she writes my in-laws are alcoholics so we decided to put some boundaries in which included our child not going over there because apparently she said my father-in-law can get some especially

aggressive outbursts my mother-in-law who is also an alcoholic has been invited to different celebrations and events that we have in our home more times than not she declines because we don't drink so there won't be any alcohol but then later she'll text me and want pictures from the event and I don't want to send them because I feel like I am enabling her by, so what she's saying is like here you can see the fun event it's okay that you don't come

the email's kind of jumbled so I'm having to paraphrase a little bit but then she doesn't want to send her the picture she's like no, how about you just come and not drink but mother-in-law doesn't want to do that so my but I ultimately feel like I'm enabling her enabling the drinking but I also kind of feel like a jerk

My husband is all on board with us not sending her anything In fact, he has no communication with them at all So I feel like she uses me So she texts me to get the information in the pictures It doesn't talk to him. Am I the problem or should I just let it be? Hmm I'm always going to take the lead of

The actual child of dysfunctional, emotionally unregulated parents. So if husband is saying we don't have contact with them, we don't do life with them, then I'm going to follow that lead. And I'm not going to let mom end around and be manipulative. On the other hand, if we have two parents who have whatever addiction, whatever struggles, and they are opting out of putting themselves in situations and they want photos, I don't have a problem with that either. So I like the idea of following husband. He's like, the adult talk to them we don't do life with them i'm out on them then yes i'm not going to

respond to text messages any communication is going to go through him or if my wife let's say my in-laws were bananas my in-laws are amazing but i would my one of my in-laws was trying to bomb me with requests and stuff i'm going to go through my wife on that stuff and vice versa so i like that she's got to deal with her guilt on it but when it comes to like uh i feel like i'm enabling i don't think so i think somebody's saying i don't want to be a part of something if there's not alcohol and that might be an excuse to say I don't trust myself I don't be around like whatever I don't mind sending pictures

but that's just kind of my take and what do you think I agree I think that yeah there's no harm in sending the pictures but I I definitely agree with the fact that it's it's his family I'm following his lead I would that's how I think I would do it if and if she

feels manipulated he needs to be to have the one that has the conversations right and if he's saying I'm not even having conversations they can't hear him then I'm not going to respond to text. Exactly. I think that lead, but I don't have any problem with sending grandma and grandpa pictures. And there doesn't have to be any communication. I'm just sending these and that's it.

Yeah, that's a good call. So I don't know there's a problem here other than maybe wrestling with your own guilt that you wanted this to look a certain way. You wanted to marry somebody who and have great in-laws who would always be present in your kid's life and et cetera. And right now you don't have that and you may never have that. And so you're trying to build that world and it's just hard. So thanks for the call or thanks for the email.

Love you guys. Stay in school. Be nice to each other. Bye.