The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do I Have Sex When I Hate My Body?

Episode Date: September 10, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: A new mom struggling with her postpartum body A man unsure if he should move back to California A wife wondering how to enjoy sex despite struggling with infertility Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Need to talk to someone? BetterHelp is virtual therapy when it’s convenient for you. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. These are BEST sheets and towels in the world. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Getting lots of spam calls? DeleteMe can clean up your online presence for you. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Find peace every day. Hallow is the simplest way to slow down and get your head right for the day. Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  I have Helix Midnight mattresses in EVERY bedroom in my house. Get 27% off when you visit Helix Sleep and take the sleep quiz to see what you need!  I took Thorne supplements way before I worked at Ramsey. Stoked that we can work together now! Get 25% off for LIFE at Thorne.    Head over to Poncho Outdoors to try the best outdoor performance shirt for yourself!   Explore More From Ramsey Network: The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights  🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I gave birth six months ago. The pregnancy was really, really rough on me. I hate the way it looks. My husband goes to kiss me, and I can feel my whole body tense up. I just can't do it. Can we do something awkward, since it's just me and you and a couple of million people listen? Sure.

This is going to be vulnerable, so if you don't want to do it, I totally understand, okay? What up? up this is john with the doctor john deloney show i'm so glad you're here taking your calls from all over the planet on mental and emotional health and relationships and marriages and kids and everything everybody in the club can call if you want to be on this show go to john deloney dot com slash ask john deloney dot com slash ask and top secret go to the apple store and check out the Together app, my brand new app that will transform your marriage with daily practices together by Dr. John Deloney, go check it out. It's six bucks a month for both of you, or you can do it just by

yourself. I'm not doing a big launch till the fall, but we are slowly letting it out. Go check it out. All right, let's go out to the concrete jungle where dreams are made of New York and talk to Allison. What's up, Allison? Hi, thank you so much for taking my call today. Of course. Thanks for calling. what's up um so stop me if i'm rambling but um i have you heard me before i'm the chief rambler that would be so hypocritical i do it when i'm nervous so i do it all the time because i'm always nervous so go ahead so um i gave birth to my wonderful daughter six months ago and long story short the the pregnancy was really really rough for on me and the baby we both had been pretty serious issues and my mantra the whole time was it's temporary but then um during labor i ended up

tearing very very badly and then at my six week postpartum checkup i was told that at some point in the past six weeks i must have reopened it so it healed incorrectly and basically a part that was stitched in healed outside and i hate the way it looks and I am having so trouble, like my husband goes to kiss me and I know he's going to try more and I can feel my whole body tense up and I just, I can't do it. And then the times that I am able to actually be intimate, it has to be pitch black. Like if I see myself, I'll have to stop right away. And I'm just trying to kind of find the new normal because this, my mantra was it's temporary

and this isn't temporary anymore. Yeah. I guess the actual pregnancy itself is temporary, but everything, From the kid to every physical change you have is ongoing. That's right. Yeah, that was saying. Can I ask you a few larger questions to kind of zero in? Yeah.

Where have you struggled with body image in the past? I've always had a problem with my weight. Okay. Tell me about that. I've like I've always been very up and down and I've had I guess my dad tried to be supportive of it and it came off more as just kind of critical of it so I've always had that complex okay back back all the way up I want to hear what's a thing your dad said when you're a kid like it was if he saw me eating something bad it was right away you're trying to lose weight and that's not going to help you okay the fact that you just laborer to food good or bad? Yeah. Tells me that stuff's in there deep, isn't it?

Yeah, that's definitely something I've always had a problem with. Okay, how old are you now? 29. Okay, can we do something awkward since it's just me and you and a couple of million people listening? Sure. Okay, this is going to be vulnerable, so if you don't want to do it, I totally understand, okay?

Can you close your eyes for me? Okay. Picture 18 or 19-year-old you in front of a mirror. what's a part of your body that you don't think is beautiful and why the big one would be the stomach because it's definitely not flat okay um another one that's always been a problem with me was um i have larger ears that kind of stick out and i was bullied pretty hard for those ones um it's god it's it's almost everything if i'm being completely honest with myself okay so tell me about this clearly blind like neanderthal of a man who said i want to spend the rest of

my life with you and create humans together tell me about this idiot he has been honestly i i couldn't have done any of this without him he has been so supportive he knows he's known way before the baby how i felt about my body and he makes sure he tells me every day it's amazing and he's so attracted to me and and you know he's very touchy and that's kind of his love language is physical touch so with him i'm comfortable with anybody else it's like please like no contact where else does your husband just lie to you so outright like he does clearly every day does you lie to you about money and his job no okay so here's what i'm trying to get at is there evidence in your past The glasses that you wear with which you see yourself may not represent reality in full.

I think it maybe was never as bad as I thought it was. Like I would have seen myself as obese and I was probably just a little bit overweight. But it's, and I know that rationally, but then like mentally it's like, no, it was, it was bad. Yeah. When you had to wonder if your dad thinks you're beautiful, that gets wired into your nervous system. Yeah. When you have to wonder if your dad's going to love you, that gets wired into your nervous system. Yeah.

And the way you look becomes an existential threat because it matters whether people will let you into their tribe or not? Yeah. Where was your mom in all this? You know, they didn't have the best relationship and she didn't necessarily protect me or my siblings

from him. How did she live? He was worse to her than he was to us and when he wasn't being bad to her, she kind of just let it go because she was out of the target for once. So she didn't really say anything. Okay.

She was kind of just a presence. So here's what I want to wire. Here's I want you to hear me say. Uh-huh. You are right to be bummed out, grossed out, annoyed, frustrated by the changes in your body. You can feel however you want to, especially in such a sensitive area, right? And I also want you to recognize that the stories wired into you at your most core being about beauty and about how you look and about a woman's lovability is incredibly distorted.

And people don't like this when I say it, but I'm a person who when I get emotional about a thing, By the way, if you've listened to this for more than five minutes, I've talked openly about, I've got head body dysmorphia since I was young. I don't see the world as it is. And A, that's something that I'm always working with, but it's less about trying to, quote, unquote, fix my attractiveness and more about not hating myself, right? Yeah. And most people who struggle with some sort of disorder eating or some sort of body image issue underneath the body image issue is an attempt to, to change the fact that we don't like who we see at the mirror at a character level.

We don't like ourselves. And mainly, that comes from people that we cared about maybe didn't like us in the way that would have been helpful. Fair? Yeah. Okay. If I get a flatter tummy, then maybe dad will think I'm beautiful, and then that means he'll like me. Maybe if my ears were smaller, then my friends wouldn't have pointed them out, and then they would have liked me. None of which, by the way, is true, because kids are mean and dads who don't,

value and prize their daughters are going to find something else to complain about your voice, your grades, and they're going to find your hair, you're going to find something. That's because that's, because that issue is about them, right? Yeah.

And so what I've had to do when things, when I get over-sensitive about a thing, or very sensitive, I don't say over, but very sensitive about a thing, I have to find myself often outsourcing it. what does that mean that means there are times when i haven't been taking care of myself very well

or i'll go on a gummy candy eating binge and i'll put a shirt on and i'll look just walk by my wife and say is their shirt okay today and because i don't feel great in it and she'll 99% of time says you look good or her line is i would which means i would date you again and that to me is what I lean on when I'm not seeing the world clearly. Yeah. But the deeper issue that I really want you to go talk to somebody about is you've got to be able to love you and you've got to allow your husband to love you because I'm going to make this mean.

Is it okay for me to be a little bit mean? Of course. Okay. I'm really worried about you passing this along to your new baby. Yeah. And I would be shocked if that didn't concern you. too that didn't worry you also it's terrified okay the criticism that you'll pass along to a kid will really be criticism to the nine-year-old inside your chest yeah and going to meet with somebody

and just work through that because dads aren't supposed to say that to their daughters and moms are supposed to protect their kids and also moms are supposed to keep themselves safe when there's abuse and all that stuff all that nonsense sitting with somebody and unwinding it out of your system so that you can be and by the way you will probably never come to what like the there's media like you should love

every part of you shut up shut up I'm never going to love that scar right yeah but one day I'm going to flip all the lights on and say go get them buddy to husband and I'm going to feel that anxiousness and then I'm going to begin to trust

yeah Right? Because the avoidance of the anxiety just makes the anxiety stronger. Yeah, that's true. Okay, I threw a lot at you. How does all that sound? You know, it really all makes sense, and it feels good to hear somebody else say it. You're not crazy.

And I think there's a movement on one side of the world that says, You should love every inch of you. Shut up. It's dumb. We don't. There's things about us we don't like, and kids are mean, and parents try their best and they don't do a good job sometimes. That's just life. Yeah.

And also, hiding in the dark or thinking that our feelings are always right is wrong too. Yeah. Right? And if we have, you and I are blessed with people who love us to the moon and back. Yeah. And sometimes we think they're crazy for loving us, right? Oh, yeah. Okay.

Sometimes you and I have to just blindly try. trust the person we're leaning on that we've created humans with to say, all right, lights are staying on. You know what I mean? Yeah. No, that's true. He really has been great. Okay. And maybe every once in a while, just go put your hands on his face and kiss him on the forehead and say, thanks for loving me so good. Yeah. One of the greatest gifts a wife can give to her husband is the words thank you just for whatever that's worth but i do want you to call somebody and for the first time possibly in your life address a the body image challenges and that will take time i take several years to work through that if i'm being honest but deeper than the body image

issues is this core belief in your unloveability and you're worth being loved and so is your awesome husband and so is that amazing new baby and you don't have to ever love that scar for you to still love you you're awesome Allison thank you so so much for the call all right let's get cozy you know that i love adventures and i love being out there in the world causing trouble but i'm telling you by the end of the day i'm ready to shut it down and go to sleep and when i do I want my bed soft and cool and ridiculously comfortable, and that's exactly what cozy earth delivers. Their amazing bamboo sheets made from viscos are super breathable.

They regulate temperature and they wick away heat and moisture. I sleep cooler with cozy earth sheets. I also love the cozy earth cuddle blanket. My whole family fights over it. This thing is ridiculous. It's ultra soft, it's plush, and it's got some weight to it without being too heavy. It's like an anxiety blanket combined. with a hug from your grandmother all at the same time. It's so awesome. Listen, Cozy Earth can help you

build a space that's a retreat for you and your entire family, just like they have for me and my wife. Go to CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 40% off your entire purchase. And if you get a post-purch survey, tell them you heard about CozyEarth right here on the show. That's cozyEarth.com slash Deloni and use code Deloney to say 40% off. All right, let's go to Dallas, Texas, home of Kelly's Cowboys. And talk to Alex. What's up, Alex? Hey, Dr. John.

How are you? I'm good, brother. What's up, man? Not so much. Just enjoy my morning coffee, and I'm glad to be talking to you this morning. Excellent. Excellent. Well, thanks for calling, dude.

What's up? Well, just to keep an idea what's going on. I recently made the decision to move back to California. to be closer to family. Just give you a little background. I've been living in Texas for about five years and kind of be living in a bachelor lifestyle, you know, single, I have my own place and just hang out with friends on my free time.

I have a really good career in aviation, a very stable job. And as I enter my 30s, I realize I don't want to be away from family forever. they're about halfway across the country in California and I decide I'd like to spend more time with them in the coming years as time goes on

and when I made this decision to move back to California a lot of anxiety came over me in regards to moving from Texas to California for obvious reasons mostly like finances

and is my kind of do like a stable lifestyle moving back. Just kind of like a, it's going to be a huge life change, and I'm trying to work through that right now. What kind of huge life change? Let me say this. I'm going to call it out. There is a, nobody's talking about it, but the data shows people are starting to go back to California.

So you're not crazy. People left during COVID. There was those two years of just chaos and insanity. and madness and it felt like the end of time there are people saying okay i liked being in texas it's a thousand degrees i miss whatever and so there is people um making their way back across the country back to california um and so just for whatever that's worth and yes it's going to come with higher taxes and yada yada yada but you're not crazy but the sentiment you're expressing is slowly happening across the country and the numbers are bearing it out but um what kind of lifestyle

are you talking about well i mean i'm i'm living a debt-free lifestyle i was raised the dave ramsay growing up me and my sister and uh have no debt uh lifestyle um right now why would that change if you move to california oh no it's it's not changing it's just um i'm i i have a healthy lifestyle in Texas right now, you know, my apartment's affordable, uh, grocery's affordable. Um, I have a good, healthy social, social life outside of work. Um, going back to California, I know I'm not to kind of rebuild that, which is kind of daunting, kind of, kind of intimidating. But you just did it when you moved to Texas. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I basically, I went to school in Texas in the past, made friends, and then I moved back to California in 2017.

And that was kind of a homeland experience because I expected life to be kind of different. I basically thought I was going to take on the world after I graduate college with a good career and all stuff, and basically reality just hit me to where, you know, you can't be successful or everything. And I moved back to Texas in 2019. to because my friends were still here and um they were still kind of living together and i don't want to be part of that i'd be around it and i wasn't really quite ready to settle down yet and so i moved back to the dallas area and it was it's been a been a fun adventure ever since then for the past five years i mean i've loved it and i think it's just kind of the idea of that ending

also which is kind of posing a challenge I don't understand what your question is Like how can I help Are you trying to decide whether you should move Or are you going to move And you're trying to decide how to grieve Texas Like what Yeah yeah

I'm actually I'm learning how to grieve Texas It's kind of a I didn't realize how much of a challenge That was going to be How old are you? I am 31 Yeah you are in that

You are in natural transition number two what is that that is i'm just playing the bell curve here right this isn't everybody's experience but by and large people leave their house at 18 they go to college they go to work they move they do whatever and then there's this sense that begins to settle in about 28 to 32 which is i thought my life would be different right now or things i thought were really important at 24 just aren't or my job just moved me or now i've on kid number three or now i want to get married but they just becomes a transition point. Right.

And part of that transition point is excitement or, um, what's the right word? Like just making peace with this is our life or it's and or it's also grieving the life that we had. It was fun to be 25 running around Texas with your old high school buddies, your old college buddies. That was awesome.

Right. But I guess my, my deeper challenge to you is why do you think you have to go to California? Like, you've painted nothing but awesomeness in Texas and nothing but misery in California. What life thing are you going to solve by going back to California? Just being closer to family and... But you left them in the first place. Yeah, I kind of had the idea that I would be coming back eventually.

For what? Just after the, you know, just I wasn't really quite sure what was going to go on. but I never had the idea of being away forever. I know, I know, but you're not answering my question. You're just going on pontificating ideas. You know what I thought I was going to be when I was 18? A heavy metal singer. That's what I thought.

Right. Didn't not work out for me. So I, and that's just one of thousands of ideas I had about the world that have proven to be completely wrong, right? So, like, I don't care what your past ideas were. I care now, what kind of life do you want to have? because if you just pack up a move to California and you make way less money

and you can't afford to live with your values and you're sitting two houses down from your parents like Ray Romano and you have no friends, no community, you're going to be miserable. So I guess what I'm asking you is what are you going to accomplish

by moving to California? Hmm. Well, I don't really, God, that deep before um like your friends your community i'm sure you've dated some people like your living your job everything sounds awesome in texas except that it's five thousand degrees sometimes right but i don't know what couldn't be solved with a few plane tickets to and you live you work in aviation that couldn't be solved going to california to visit family and friends

but if your life is in Texas it's okay yeah and just because you didn't imagine it would be like that when you were 21 or 23 or 26 doesn't mean it's not just is but if you tell me I'm missing my parents I've got nieces and nephews

I've got an old flame that I want to be around my parents are aging like those are reasons to pack up and move even if it costs you money but just this idea like I want to be around family why I don't know I don't like them. I don't like my job.

I don't like my living situation. I'm not going to be able to live in my values. That's madness. Yeah, well, I do love my family a lot. I do, we love each other. We aren't at each other's throats or anything. We're very close. And I think as time goes on, I don't want to sound on anything.

And I do have a little niece that I want to be around to. just not too far away I could see every other weekend that's one of the big motivators for me to move back and I think I did want to I do want to change in my life great I'm kind of ready for a change and I know my friends

my friends are really cool but I mean they're kind of doing the same thing and they're even talking about moving out of the area too so that's one reason why it's kind of I'm kind of making that decision to move back. That's awesome. Here's the deal, dude. You make a list of the things you're most scared about, making new friends, getting a new community, finding a gym, finding a place to live that is reasonable that's also safe, right?

Make a list and rank that list in order of most terrifying and start there and go in order from easiest to hardest, but just start checking off the list. because all this stuff is swirl around in your head right now and it's it's just making it uncomfortable to brush your teeth in the morning because you have so much social angst so much just anxiety riddling through your body make a list of all the things that are scary about this move and then just start checking them off the list and then some of this stuff you're just going to have to go first and be weird when it comes to finding an apartment i'm just going to go first and be weird so in six months i can do anything for six months i'm just going to go first and be weird and be weird so in six months i am just going to go first and be weird I'm going to join a bowling league or a karate league or a yoga class or a what a pickleball team I don't know dude whatever they do in California but I'm going to go do that thing and I'm going to go to a guitar center and I'm going to pull in a little tabs off one of those things like band seeking bass player I'm going to do that like I'm going to put myself out there and I'm going to just start challenging myself in this transition and I think you're going to find peace wherever you go because you've found peace

in different locations, which tells me you're a guy who just finds a gang. And so you've done it before, and I think you'll do it again. This time you're just going to have to be intentional about it because it's hard at 30. It's kind of the worst, actually, of the whole world, making friends at 30 and 40. I'm going to go do it. And, by the way, don't say I want to be around my niece. Don't make this whole thing about your niece because she can't carry the weight of this move. so say I want to move to California

I also when I'm in California I'm going to get to see my knees but if you make this all about her you're going to crush her expectations your expectations of her role in your life no one can live up to that especially a two or three or four year old girl so best of luck to you brother but you're not crazy if you want to leave Texas and go to California I love Texas to come in Nashville and it was awesome but I do miss the lone star state

we come back a couple is fighting to protect their marriage while facing the pain of infertility. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Everyone is talking about therapy, therapy, therapy these days, and I often hear folks say, I don't think I've had any major traumas in my life, so I don't know if therapy is for me. Listen, this is really important.

Therapy is not just for people dealing with major traumas. It can be for that, but it's also a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental and emotional well-being. Personally, I see a therapist for both, the big challenges from my past, as well as for helping me navigate the day-to-day challenges that pop up. Many of you should consider seeing a therapist too, and if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online, so it's affordable

and convenient for your schedule. And as the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. They have over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist just for them to get started just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist if it's not the right fit you can switch therapist at any time easily and for no extra cost talk it out with better help visit betterhelp.com slash deloni to get 10% off your first month that's a better help help dot com slash deloni all right let's go out to the utahs to the salt lake city and talk to louise what's up louise hi lewis

to you. I'm glad that you called. What's up? So my question is, how do I make sure trying to have a baby doesn't damage me and my husband's relationship while we struggle to with trying to conceive? Oh man. Tell me about this adventure. So my husband and I have been married for almost two years. We've been trying to conceive for about nine months. And when we started trying to conceive, I said, I didn't want us to be a stressful experience. I have several friends. who have struggled with conceiving. And it was just clear that they put a lot of stress in their marriage. The whole lives evolved around timing, ovulation, and IVF cycles.

I remember talking to them and what I'm saying, we don't enjoy it sex anymore. And I was like, that's the last thing I want from me and my husband. And I guess I've discovered that however much I want to not stress about it, reality is different. It's so much easier to judge other people's problems. to deal with them in your own house. But yeah, not be able to get pregnant

just feels like with a whirlpool of like what's wrong with me, supplements and tests and then waiting to see if I get pregnant before we can do more tests. And I'm trying not to drown in that but finding it difficult to talk to my husband about it.

That to me is the... I've been through this too, okay? Been there. What you just expressed the thing that is most, concerning for me is your inclination to curl up and wall off and self-protact versus y'all sharing having the same shared experience on the table because that tells me at a core level you're beginning to wonder if you're lovable or mariable is that fair or wrong

i i don't think it's so much that i think i i worry about stressing him out which at the same time I know is ridiculous because I know he can tell I'm stressed. Right, right, right. What are you trying to protect him from? Are you protecting him or are you protecting you? Probably both. On one hand, he doesn't have the best stress management skills. So in some ways, I feel like I, without meaning to,

I end up holding it on to this myself because I don't want to add to a stress load. At the same time, I'm like, there is a, I don't. I don't want to call it shame, but there is an element of shame. Like, I didn't want to be this person who's obsessing about wanting a baby when I have so much I am grateful for. Man, there's a lot of stories going on in your heart and mind, aren't there? Stories about him, stories about his abilities, stories about you, stories about motherhood, stories about gratitude, stories about, there's a lot, huh? Yeah. Yeah.

So let's, like, close your eyes for a second. And I want you just to imagine a clean kitchen table and just stories piled up all over it, like in boxes, like Amazon boxes, but they're full of stories. And I want you just to swipe your arm across that table and wipe a clean. And maybe for the first time, I want you to tell me what are you feeling nine months in to trying to have a baby? Are you feeling sad? Are you feeling scared? Are you feeling heartbroken? Are you feeling ashamed?

What do you feel? I feel sad. I feel sad and I feel frustrated. Stop right there. Stop with sad first. Tell me about being sad. I just, this is something that I never imagined would be difficult. Yeah.

You know, they spent all our teenage years. It's practical. that it's going to be happening at the drop of a hat. That's right. Exactly. Then it's frustrating to be in the position of, wait, this is harder than I thought it was going to be. And we live in an area that has a lot of young couples and our church community has a million babies. I just look at other people with their babies and I'm like, that's what I want. Okay, stop right there. Can I tell you that's okay?

It's okay to look around and be pissed off that everyone else has having babies. you're not you're not bad you're not broken there's not something wrong with you that's a perfectly reasonable normal feeling especially as you mentioned they told you if you just looked at somebody wrong you're going to get pregnant growing up being sad is right wanting to be a mom even if you're successful at a business even if you've got resources and even if you married well wanting to be a mom is okay it's okay to be sad tell me about being a mom is okay it's okay to be sad

and then one has to sit and wait to see if that makes the difference yeah I don't like waiting I like doing I'm a very goal-oriented person I just want to have a list and say when I pick off the list then the thing happens

yes so I hope this doesn't come back to be a cruel thing for me to have said to you I don't think it will this is probably the best training for motherhood you could possibly have Because kids don't operate on checkboxes and lists. They are their own independent, wild and crazy people. Right?

Yeah. And that's not helpful, I know. What else are you feeling? Tell me about you and your marriage. My marriage is awesome. I have literally the best husband. I'm so grateful, like, every day to happen in my life. we laugh, we have a great time, we are so happy together.

Okay, can I challenge your relationship right now? Yeah. Happy? We dance. We laugh. Do y'all grieve together? We do. We've had, as most relationships do, we've had some tough things separate from trying to concede.

We've worked through, and I feel like we're just a really good team at working through things. And I feel that's part of my frustration is like, why can't I then bring this to the table and say, hey, I'm starting with this, when there's so many other things that I know we have worked through. Okay. Usually that comes from a place of you wondering if you'll still love me. Maybe not, but that's usually where that comes from. That when there is something that I'm afraid to put on the table, I'm afraid at how it's going to reflect on me. that may not be the case in your world but that often is the case and for whatever it's worth the infertility in your marriage the challenges y'all are having the nine months to a year all

like the doctor's appointments if y'all start to go down that route like the cost the ethical concerns of IVF or not or like all those things are hard and there's They're not how anyone would draw up their marriage, but they're, I mean, I just know people personally in every one of those categories, and not only are they overcomable, but they bring people closer together. The one underlying thing that I see create a cancer, but in a marriage of secrets, somebody's got something that they're not putting on the table. Here is a way I've seen it be successful, and here's a way if I could go back and do it on my own marriage. I would have that we have some sort of

weekly or monthly check in let's put and it's literally like let's put everything about the baby on the table or a baby on the table how are you feeling because I can promise you

he's afraid to tell you that he really wants to have a baby too because he doesn't want to pile on you and he is not knowing he knows there's tension and anxiousness in you or frustration or secrets

and he doesn't know what to do. And so there just gets to be this dance that forms, right? Yeah. It could be a really divine act of love to say, hey, we're nine or ten months into trying to have a baby and there's stuff I haven't told you about how I'm feeling inside. Could we have just a

all secrets on the table? conversation and he of course he's going to say of course of course of course and then you can put it on the table and say I'm really sad that we don't have a baby and every time I see couples in church I just want to yell and scream and if he hasn't gone to the doctor you can say I really want you to go or if he has gone or you can have all those mechanical conversations but it'll start from a place of I just haven't told you how sad I am. And then you get to grieve how you grieve and then he gets to grieve how he grieves.

Where couples get sideways in this conversation is when he says, I'm cool, man, and he's not as sad about it as you are. Or he starts sobbing and he's like, I don't know if I get, when there's a mismatch of grief, that's where couples get in trouble. And so letting him be as sad as he wants to be or not as he is and also holding space for you get to be as sad as you are and then y'all decide how are we going to love each other through this yeah how does all that sound i'm throwing a lot at you oh it sounds good um yeah i think it's just a conversation that we need to have and you'd have it multiple times yes and if you can give him a roadmap for already there, it's an extra painful moment in your spirit when your period comes, right?

Yeah. If you give him a roadmap for this is the best way you can love me when my period starts, that would be such a blessing to him and to you because you'll have it out on the table and he'll have a thing to do. If you say, just bring home dinner and flowers when that happens. Or I just need you to hug me and not say anything. or I need to know that you're sad to like whatever would give him a roadmaps

he can follow it that would actually be quite helpful I feel like my last period was particularly emotional for me and I just didn't know how to tell him that but tell them ahead of time before the emotions come yes and by the way

feel free to set it all up and then the emotions are bigger than you thought they were going to be or smaller and change in real time like feel free to say, I told you to hug me, don't touch me, go get food. All that's okay. It's just setting it up, especially if you can set up some of those conversations. Here's the big secret. I'm kind of doing an end around here. If you will talk through how he can best love you, if you have a next period

in month 10 of trying to have a baby, that will mean you all have had the conversation about how heavy all of this is and that will mean you've had the conversation about how you can love each other when grief gets heavy and that means you'll have the conversation when he's saying i'm not really that worried about it yet and you can say i'm super worried about it or he can just break down and start crying and say i want to be a dad more than anything in the world and i know that's extra shameful and pressure on you but i do and you can say i'm so sorry and y'all can weep together and so some of those roadmap conversations are important because they force other conversations and that brings you're closer closer together the thing that will drive y'all further us to part now is is secrets so

coming up with a structure for when and where it's okay to put these things on the table and they're not weapons they are just moments of shared experience that will bring us closer together as we navigate what millions of couples are navigating which is we thought we would just have sex in just like our high school health teacher told us and it's not working out that way thank you so so much for the call sister finding ways to come together and finding ways to keep sex playful and joyful even when it's on a calendar and even when you're ovulating even when neither of you feel like it but your little app said go now finding ways to keep it playful can make a world a difference and then finding ways to grieve together, if and when it doesn't happen.

Thank you so, so much for the call. Appreciate your bravery. And by the way, when you do get pregnant, call us and let us know and we'll celebrate you. We'll be right back. All right, it's time for a quick word about delete me. Do you feel like your digital footprint is starting to feel like a digital trail,

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That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. That's join delete me.com slash deloney. All right, we're back. Something cool happened. What is it, Kelly? All right. This email is from Hannah in Cedar City, Utah, and she writes, I listened to an episode on June 17th where John encouraged listeners to go 30 days without social media or the news.

I took the challenge, deleted my social media apps, and turned off my phone's news notifications. My 30 days are up tomorrow and I have absolutely no desire to turn it back on. I've been able to focus on my relationship with my parents, God, and especially my husband, as we're preparing for an upcoming IVF cycle. Before this, I was a huge social media addict and constantly stressing about everything going wrong with the world. Thank you so much for the great advice and for everything, you and your team do. You always add that, Kelly.

It's because they add it. They don't. Right here and writing. They don't. You add it. Dude, that's awesome. Yes. By the way, this is a no-brainer. Never.

No, no-no-brainer. Turn off news notifications, period. You should have no news notifications on your phone ever. Even like when I'm out with some guys and one buddy's phone goes, do do do do do I just am like hey we're not friends anymore because you're an idiot like turn off sports score no notifications because that is the way the overlords like that your phone runs your life instead of the phone is a tool for you to run your life so turn off all notifications if you want to go check the news because you like made up stories about things that don't exist then that's fine

go do that but don't have them come to you so there should be nobody with phones with any sort of news like whatever like get your attention ah like none of that none of that and then if you want to be a gangster and take on the social media challenge that would be dope good for her it's awesome makes my heart feel good i would love to know can you put a note let's check back in with her and see she's pregnant this cycle that'd be amazing If not carrying around all of the world's challenges that she can do nothing about didn't help her overall stress level. We'll see. No?

I'm fine with that. Okay. I don't know what you want me to add. Just, okay. But I do agree that people should take it off their phone. Because I've taken it off mine before and then added it back in. I'm like, ugh, it was better before. Yeah.

Bye.