The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do I Make My Wife Feel Valued in Our Marriage?

Episode Date: May 10, 2024

On this episode, we hear about:   ·      A husband wanting to improve communication in his marriage ·      A woman struggling with her fears around relationships ·      A mother seeking advice on how much information to tell her kids Next Steps   📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or click here.  📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life  📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future   ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards   💭 John's Free Guided Meditation    Offers From Today's Sponsors  ·      10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp   ·      3 free months of Hallow   ·      25% off Thorne orders   ·      20% off Organifi with code DELONY     Listen to More From Ramsey Network  🎙️ The Ramsey Show   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour  💡 The Rachel Cruze Show  💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights  💰 George Kamel  💼 The Ken Coleman Show  📈 EntreLeadership     Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy  https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy 

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I have this problem. I've been married to my wife for about a year and a half. I'm fully committed, like this whole joint, the two become one and everything is ours. But I constantly keep going back to referring to things that's like mine. It makes her feel like we're less, you know, that this marriage is less than my first marriage. What up, what up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John

Deloney Show. Hope you are doing well. It's time to turn down the limb biscuit, Ben. That's all he listens to anymore. And Kelly, it's time to put down the Marlboro Reds. We're inside. It's time to have a show. I haven't seen you guys in a couple days, and I miss you.

I know. So for those that don't know, John was at our summit event. I got to see you because I watched you on screen do your talk. Yeah. But I miss you. You did, yeah. We stay up all day, all morning. I got that in reverse. I'm kind of sleepy. I figured you were. We stay up all day, all morning. I got that in reverse.

I'm kind of sleepy. Yeah, I figured you were. Y'all got in late last night. Yeah. But I got to sit in by Ken Coleman, right next to him, middle seat. Dope. Nice.

Nice. Hey, I hope I have to edit all this out. On this show, we talk about your mental health, your emotional health, your marriage, any kind of relationship you got. Relationships at work, relationships at school, with your kids. We are living in a time when the world is trying to pull our relationships apart and throw everything online and run everything through an app and run everything around you. The adults trying to figure out how to keep everything moving forward.

And that's what this show is about. I'm going to sit with you, real people going through real stuff, and we're going to figure out what's the next right step. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. All right, let's go out to Detroit Rock City and talk to Derek. Hey, Derek, what's up, man? Hey, what's going on? We're just figuring it out, brother. How are you?

Uh, I'm going to make it. I hope I am too. Good deal. What's up, man? Um, so I guess, I don't know where to start, like, like everyone, but, um, so I guess the, the, the moral of my story here, the root of my question is, um, I have this problem. But, um, so I guess the, the, the moral of my story here, the root of my question is, um, I have this problem. Um, so I'm, I've been married to my wife for, um, not quite two years, not about a year and a half. And we're, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm in it. We're in it. I'm fully committed, like this whole joint, you know, the two become one and everything is ours. Right. And so we, and then that's how we live. We share money. We, you know, we do everything together, but I constantly keep going back to referring to things that like mine. And I'll say like, you know, just the other day,

we were getting a generator installed and I said, Oh, I need to go check on my generator. That's not my generator. It's our generator, but you know, it's my house. It's my, oh, I need to go check on my generator. It's not my generator, it's our generator, but it's my house. It's my, I always refer to stuff like that and I don't want to and I don't live that way. And I just don't know how I try to change it. I try to catch myself. When I hear I'm in a conversation, I'm saying something, I'll hear the I come

and I'll try to correct it to we or something like that. And, you know, this is my second, it's both of our second marriages. And she has, you know, told me that it makes her feel like we're less, you know, that this marriage is less than my first marriage. And so I just, you know, you give a lot of, I love your advice you give to people. I can use it on a lot of cases to myself. And so I just wanted to hear from you as maybe actions I can take to not do that

or mindset change or something. Yeah, man, I appreciate that, dude. And I appreciate you trying to work on that. That's awesome. Hearing your wife and wanting to do something different. Tell me about your first marriage, man. So it was stereotypical, I guess, right? I met her at work, and we had the same religious background,

so we clicked pretty quick and married and engaged and married in two years. And we were married for 12 years altogether. And how did that wind down? She actually passed away just before COVID started. Tell me about that. It was weird. It was a sudden, mysterious series of medical issues that we never really got closure on. It was about six months worth of constant doctor's visits until she kind of went downhill real quickly in the end. Wow, dude. What was her name?

Emily. Pretty awesome. Oh, she was fun. Yeah. Um, and how long after, um, she passed away, did you meet your new wife? Well, I, I initially met her back in high school. Oh, rad. Okay we were we were prom we were prom dates gross i don't want to wait dude that's awesome man good for you okay so you

rekindled with your prom date um it's gonna be a weird question. Are there inequities in your marriage? Are you a gajillionaire and she's not? Or is she a gajillionaire and you're not? Yes, I would say that, yes, there are inequities. Oh, there are? Okay, so me and my previous wife, we were, you know, double income, you know, had a house together and no real big deal, you know, with finances. She was divorced for, had been divorced for like six years, separated and divorced, right? So like six years. And she's got, you know, four kids. And so she was a single parent in large part for years. And your new wife went back to college.

Yeah. My new wife. Yeah. All right. All right. So, yeah. So I, I was financially, I'm okay. Um, I've been, I was done really well and she's, she's made it, but she's, it's been

a struggle and, and I'm, I'm happy to, you know, be a, you know, I'm glad glad I'm in a position that it's less of a struggle for her, right? And that's never, so it's never been, you know, there was never an issue in our dating where I looked at that as like, oh, you know, financially, you know, you're not at the same level as me. Like that was never, that was never something that, that deterred me at all. Here's the two, and I'm fishing here. Okay. I don't know for certain. You seem like,

you seem like a great guy. Okay. So I'm, I'm fishing here. Um, you, I want you to go back and listen to this conversation when you get a chance. Um,

it's small, but you and your wife, your when you get a chance um it's small but you and your wife your first wife had a house together y'all did things together and in your new relationship that's mine right and i'm wondering if you fully metabolized her passing. I'm wondering if you've truly let her go. And I have sat with people who are passed away from mysterious illness. And the only thing I think more catastrophic is, and again, there's levels, there's not levels to loss. There's traumas, traumas, trauma, and all that.

But when I talk about grasping for ghosts, and I've never personally experienced this. This is just me sitting with people. Either somebody disappears and they can't find them, they can't find their body. They know somebody drowned, but they never find them. And somebody who dies of an illness that nobody can really pin down it's like trying to hug a ghost and haunt you in a in a different way than somebody gets cancer and passes away and it it it has a again this is just anecdotal to be sitting with people there hasn't been a whole bunch of them right so my first question is i'm wondering if

you've still if you're still hanging and i wouldn't i wouldn't fault you i wouldn't say you're a bad guy but if there's something like no no i was married and now i'm doing this other thing versus at some point deciding i'm gonna let my first wife go and then this is gonna be be our stuff. The second thing is when you experience a really significant loss, you tend to walk through the world a little more guarded and a little more, I make these decisions, y'all make those decisions. And the idea that the scary V word vulnerability that I'm gonna risk getting hurt again in any way is really a tough challenge to overcome and i'm wondering if unintentionally right way back in

your nervous system that you're hedging because if i fully enmesh in somebody else if i fully go all in again i may have to experience what I experienced last time and so this is mine that's yours by the way I'm happy to help almost in a dad kind of way I'm sitting a paternal kind of way like I'll take care of it kind of thing which is gonna be the the doomsday for your for your new marriage right it has to be a I'm not better than you, man. I married well first time around and we had some good money and we did things together and we set up some things up.

So now we got launched out of a cannon in marriage too. So does any of that ring true what I'm saying? And you tell me, dude, you're out to lunch or if you're like, no, that kind of hits in my guts. Well, anything's possible, right? Sure. And that's exactly what I call it, because I want them to know those avenues. But I don't hear it and say, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it, that's it.

I'm going to have to sit on it and digest it. But I know I am. I do feel like I've passed. I guess I want to say I've settled or I've dealt with her past. You've let her go. So, you know, I've come to terms, you know, I know I've done all, I did all I could do. And, you know, there's nothing, looking back on it, I couldn't have done anything differently. Right. And, you know, I know that, at least I have that in my mind. What does your new wife, what does she contribute now? Like, does she actually click the bills to pay them online? Does she make budgets? Does she have a job?, does she actually click the bills to pay them online? Does she make budgets?

Does she have a job? What does she do? Um, so she, we just started her own, her own business. Um, so she's doing, she's doing her own thing. So the income is, is a little more scarce, but, um, she's active and involved in everything. Go back to it. Go back to the questions I asked. Y'all do it. Who actually does this stuff? Yep. So, so we do, we do like the whole Dave Ramsey budget stuff where she actively is updating that and, and going through that. She participates in, in budget and does that. So, you know, it's all from a money standpoint, it's all out there and we know, and we say,

okay, you know, Hey, we're, we're negative this month for these reasons. And, you know, we'll, you know, we have those open discussions. Well, what I'm wondering is less about the openness in the discussion because if you learn one thing when you're going to doctor after doctor after doctor, you learn to just talk about stuff, right? So you know how to have hard conversations probably better than most. What I'm wondering is, is she fully participating in your house in a way that you're able to exhale? Or are you running the show? Often when I find myself, here's a good

example. I rarely, if ever, say the words, my show. It's got my face and my name on it. Dude, without all of these people making this thing happen, I'm just a knucklehead on a street corner yelling really loud. It's ours. It's our show. It's the show. It's the thing that we all do together. When I see people, when it gets out of whack, when they feel like they're doing the lion's share of everything and they're the most important player, they're the star of the team,

it's easy to say, like, my team. Kobe Bryant said, my team. He had another Hall of Famer on that team. He's like, that's my team. And that's how he looked at it versus, no, this is ours. This is us. And so I'm wondering, on a day-to-day basis, are you allowing her to participate?

Is your hands open enough in the daily flow of the household that she is, that you're watching and experience her being an active participant, an active member of this, of the decision-making and the action steps of this home? Yeah. So in large part, yeah. I can think of a couple, you know, there are some times where I unilaterally have made decisions. Yeah. And just said, well, I'm going to do this and whatever. How does that sit with her? Horrible. Okay. All right.

So I would be willing to bet. And again, thanks for letting me kind of poke around and see. If I'm you, that's where I would start. Number one, I would sit down and say hey i talked to the dude on the on the radio talk to the podcast guy i want you to be a hundred percent full-fledged like we're doing this thing together would you be willing to write some things down? Because I know I'm a lot. I'm a full presence here.

So would you write some things down? And then we can talk about it over dinner, over breakfast one day. Ways that you feel like I edge you out from decision-making, from ideas. It could be something as small as paint color or flowers in the yard, or it could be parenting stuff. It could be how we're investing our money, how we pay bills, things that we buy. Um, would you let me know some,

like the ways that you feel like I step over you, I'm trying to act like your dad, or I dismiss you or belittle you. My guess is you're from time to time, but you know, I bet it's way more. And I don't think you're a bad guy for it. I think you are just trying to time, but you know, I bet it's way more. And I don't think you're a bad guy for it. I think you are just trying to make sure your home is as great as your home could be. You've had a good home before with somebody else. You've been through hell in a home before. You're going to make this thing good. You're going to make it great. She clearly can't operate her money. I'm going to take care of it. She clearly is a single mom. I'll take care of it. And that's something that you'll have to build together. And my guess is the more active her participation in this thing, the more it's y'alls

instead of just yours. The second thing is I want you to start a gratitude practice, but not in a cheesy way. I want you to make a plural gratitude practice with your wife, go to store today and get a stationary store, Walmart, Walgreens, wherever, get a small journal. And I want you to keep it on your bed. And I want you to write three to five things every single morning. I'm so grateful for our home. I'm so grateful for our wild sex last night. I'm so grateful for our sitting on the front porch holding hands. I'm so grateful for our retirement that we're okay. And I want you to begin to practice that. And I want you to leave it on the bed. And her job is to write three to five things at night. I'm so grateful for our, and we're going to practice this together. And I

guarantee you over 30 days of doing this, you in the morning, her in the evening, in the morning, you're going to read what she wrote. And in the evening, she's going to read what you wrote. And maybe you write each other a little note, but you're going to begin to practice this. And as you feel it, feel angsty, I want you to lean into those angsty moments. I'm so grateful for our home. And your body goes, ah, it's my home. That's it. Let's lean into that. But let's ask her, where is she a participant? Give her some,

like share some roles, share some of the responsibilities and not just the little stuff like cooking and make sure the dishes are put away. Some of the big stuff, decisions, where are we going to live? How are we going to do life? Where are we going to eat? What are we going to do with the kids? And just begin to practice. Every day, three to five times, I'm going to write it down. I'm so grateful for our, I'm so grateful for our, I'm so grateful for our. Start there, my brother. Holler back, man. I'm interested to see how this plays out for you. And I appreciate the call. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around.

But one thing you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people.

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how's it going? Partying. What about you? You know, sitting in my car. I'm so excited to be talking to you, but I'm also really nervous. So thank you. I'm super excited to be talking to you. Hey, I was in Dallas this past week and I met some amazing folks from Ontario. A whole bunch of you guys came down. Super fun.

They represented Canada well, so that's awesome. Okay, well, that's good to hear. that's good to hear that's good to hear so what's up um okay so I guess I'll just jump into my kind of questions last month through listening to the Ramsey show as I'm trying to sort out my finances um and so I've been listening to your podcast. And so my question is about getting over a fear of relationships and decision making. So even though I really want to be in a relationship and get married, and I definitely want to be a mom one day, I keep getting hung up on like dating. So some background, I came from a large conservative, fairly religious family. Dating wasn't really encouraged when I was younger.

But I Kissed Dating Goodbye book was definitely a thing in our house. I haven't hooked up ever with anybody, but masturbation, sexual intrusive thoughts were definitely an issue that started when I was younger. Can I just keep interrupting you? Is that okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. I hate that I do this all the time, but I always wanted to stop for a second all right you said um you came from a large religious conservative

home and dating wasn't really encouraged that was a like a super kind of borderline not truthful way of saying that right yeah it was like not encouraged some of saying that, right? Yeah. It was not encouraged. Some of my siblings who maybe were dating were dating not with my parents. So it was like a secretive mud hole, like we don't do this, we're going to stomp any of those things in the ground. How old are you right now?

Now I'm in my early 30s. Okay, so why is... Most of my other siblings, older and younger, are married. Okay, all right. So why is... Okay. Why is, like, thinking about sex, why is masturbation, why does that haunt you? You're 31.

Like, what do you mean? Well, because I don't feel like... Like it's a natural part of being a human being to figure out what you like and what you're into. And you're all by yourself. Does that make sense? Yes. Yeah, that doesn't make sense.

It's just that I feel like the stories I tell myself in those times are always very dark, if that makes sense. Totally. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And now you're looking around and all of your siblings are married. So they've clearly figured this out and you feel like what? Yeah. Like that is part of it.

So I feel like, yeah. So I feel like I can't trust myself to make this big decision because every other decision in life is pretty much changeable. Whereas like, I feel like marriage is forever. And so like, say for example, like I went to university, that was like, I could start my degree or, and then I could drop out of school. I mean, I didn't, I stayed in school, but you know what I mean? Like there's like a permanence to the covenant of marriage that's, that I like keeps me from i don't know being able to

like date freely if that makes sense in the sense of being like i want to do this and i don't have to be afraid that i'll end up with the wrong person when did you learn to not trust you and here's why i asked that i'll give you a second um i i asked that because there's an other side to that safety of that covenant. And some people who grew up in really chaotic homes are really deeply drawn back to the chaos. And other people who grew up in chaotic homes are really, really drawn to that safety of you're my person. We are ride or die we're going to figure this out over the next 60 70 years yeah there's a mix of those in our family

so beneath all of that though for you is you don't trust you where does that come from what have you messed up so bad that you don't trust even your attraction that your love like where does that come from I mean I can't pinpoint like a specific moment um like my parents did separate for a little bit because like my dad was fairly controlling like and I was like really young I don't really remember this but it sounded like he was emotionally abusive and like my oldest sister was really affected by that as like a child so my my mom separated for like a couple, I don't think it might've been months. Um, but then we like eventually got back together.

They had more kids. Um, and so like, I knew that it was like super important to always do the right thing. And it says growing up because like, you didn't want to make anybody mad, but I don't exactly like, I can't really trace that to an instance. Is the idea of living the life your mom has led, does it terrify you?

Uh, yeah. Okay. Say that out loud. Um, okay. The idea of living the life that my mom has lived terrifies me. Okay. That's different than I don't trust Lisa. That is all be damned if I'm going to end up like my mom. So much so that I will rob myself of laughter and safety and love and wild, rock of sex with some person that I am head over heels with that I have anchored to for the rest of my life. I'll throw all that away because I'm not going to have that. Not going to be like my mom.

You've been haunted by mom and dad's voices for a long time. Haven't you? Yeah. And I see, and I see it. I feel like, I mean, like I love my siblings and my.

Stop apologizing. You. You're so good. They have great relationships. Just tell me. Lots of great relationships with their partners. But some of them have married people that I'm like, like, I would not. Then don't. Okay, okay.

But then don't. I know, but it's like they didn't seem that way at the time. Okay. I bet they did. Occasionally, occasionally you get just a full on bait and switch at the time. Okay. I bet they did. Occasionally, occasionally you get just a full on bait and switch. That happens. I've talked to those people.

I've met those people. Most of the time you marry somebody and people just grow up and they change and they have to decide day by day, month by month, year by year, season by season.

All right, let's relearn because you're a new person now. I'm a new person now. Thank God I'm a different guy than my wife married, right? Because she married an idiot. Moron, right?

No, I mean, yeah, you do want your partner to grow and change. Okay. What's the thing beneath the thing here? Have you screwed something up bad in a relationship before? Have you broke somebody's heart or had your heart broken? Like, yes. In the sense that was like oh like like he indicated he was

a Christian and then we did like the Christian thing so we went to church we started like praying together um he grew up in a Christian family um we were like reading a devotional together um and then something just like didn't fit right with me, which I like, which I had known earlier, but we kept dating because he was, he was very great in a lot of other ways. Um, and so finally one day I was just like, Hey, like, is this a real like personal thing for you? And he's like, actually, no, it's not. I was like, okay, well, that's good to know kind of thing. So I was, I was really hurt by that

because we had talked about how important that was to me. But at the same time, I knew like probably by our third date that I was like, this doesn't quite seem as real as he's making it.

And so let's, let's, let's take dating because dating's off the table. Let's take dating off the table because it's very's let's take dating because dating's off the table let's take dating off the table because it's very um it's electric yeah have you ever played basketball like not actually on a team but just for fun okay let's say you suddenly tomorrow we're like i really want to play basketball and they're like cool you're on the team get out on the court and you ran out on the court and you grew up in a home

and your parents are like people who play basketball are evil and actually if they play if they if they miss shots and layups this eternal evil being is gonna damn them to hell forever and roast them and torture them and then you get thrown out onto the field onto the basketball court not even a field, a court. And they throw you the ball. They're like, go get them. And you're like, I don't even know the rules of the game. I don't know how to play.

And they're like, pass the ball. Shoot. Pass it. What are you doing? Right? And then you actually are on a team, and they're like, let's let her get some layups and stuff. And it's cool.

And then after a few months, they start swatting your shots into the stands and they steal the ball from you and you're like okay I'm not as good at this as I thought would that mean you're a terrible person you're dumb, you're untrustworthy no it would mean you don't know how to play basketball because you've never played it and everyone around you

is like I'm amazing at basketball and you watch them and some of them are pretty good and everyone around you is like i'm amazing at basketball and you watch them and some of them are pretty good and some of them are like throwing the ball off the top of the backboard they're like look at that shot you're like that's not a good shot right all that to say is this give yourself some grace and begin to change the narrative in your mind that Lisa is somebody that is trustworthy. And Lisa's real, real smart. And Lisa doesn't have to cut off all 10 of her toes just so she doesn't end up running the race like her mom did. And when you get that gut reaction, I want you to leave. Even if everyone

around you is like, oh, isn't he wonderful? And if you have a boundary and you let it go a little bit too, like real close to the boundary or too, like, don't beat yourself up over it. You missed a layup. I learned something. Cool. And I don't want to, I don't want to undermine it relationships romantic relationships. They're heavy and they are Intense and they're vulnerable and they're revealing all those things are true And then you throw in religion you throw in parent issues and you throw in siblings all that gets so heavy And so i'm intentionally trying to talk in a way that to lessen the pressure because nobody can i mean you're turning this into an nba playoff game and you've never dribbled a basketball in front of anybody right and the pressure is so

much you go on one date and you're like okay is this going to be a guy i could be with forever that's a lot of pressure the first time you go out and uh he he's he tried to grab my hand does that mean he's going to want to oh gosh is he trying to do oh just go have fun can you try to can you practice that for a season yeah like yeah and i feel like i i was doing really good at that where like i like i was going on like so many like i went on five first dates in one week when like i was was like, okay, if this is what we're doing, this is what we're doing. And then had that relationship was like, that also happened around some other like personal stuff that happened.

So like then didn't for a while. And then I was just like, I just feel like I'm so tired of it. Because now literally my mom is like, oh, so-and-so asked about you or like. Yeah, she doesn't get a vote. Don't let her do that. Don't let her do that. She doesn't get a vote. She cashed out. You're 31 years old. And I want you to say, mom, I don't want to hear anybody who's don't set me up with anybody.

And if you want to get real mean, you could say your track record's not super great, but I don't want you to set me up with anybody. I don't want you to hook me up with anybody. I'm a grownup and I can figure this out for myself Even inside you're like I can't figure this out for myself Right Yeah no that is exactly That is exactly the thought

Is that fair Now I'm not saying you have to go on five dates On five nights in a week And all that's a lot That's just busy. It's exhausting. It's, it can be confusing. I get that, but you can set yourself up like, Hey, every Monday night, we're all getting together at so-and-so's house, or we're all going to get together and throw darts. And we're all going to get together at my place. Bring your friends, bring somebody from work,

bring your friends. Hey, we're all going bowling. We're all going to go do a thing. If you're still a person of faith, I'm going to make sure that I go to this church and I'm going to get involved in this XYZ. And if I go to a small little church and it's just great people and it's awesome, but it's not connecting, cool. I'm going to go to a different building.

And maybe I'm getting, what I'm saying is I'm going to put myself in position to have relationships. They don't have to be romantic and they don't have to be high pressure and they don't have to be, are they going to, are we going to make out? They're going to hold it. I'm just going to be around people and I'm going to over put myself in positions where I'm around other people. I do that now. When I start getting really introverted

and really closing the world, I set up places where I've got to go be with other people in the world. And you can do that too. And by the way, just talking to you on the phone, you're a lovely person. Like you make me laugh. You're funny. You're engaging. You're real smart. And you've got your head on a swivel.

You've seen some stuff. That's the kind of person that people want to be around. And so I want you to begin practicing. Ten times a day, I want you to write this down, not to manifest, nothing like that. We're just practicing the thoughts. Lisa, I don't want you to say it, not I, but I want you to say Lisa. Lisa is a person who can trust herself. Lisa is a person who can trust herself. Lisa is someone who can trust herself. I want you to begin to create some space between, I can't trust anything. Yeah, you can't don't you begin to practice that third person? Write it 10 times a day for 30 days. See what happens And put yourself in a position to be around other people

And not every interaction is the super bowl This is not it's not And when those voices in your head that tell you every thought you have every action everything is just bad bad but it's not it's not it's not and you have to decide i'm gonna stop letting my mom and my dad speak into my 31 year old mind i'm gonna stop letting a out of control youth minister from-something years ago speak into my life. I'm not. I'm not going to have that anymore.

I'm going to be free. I'm going to choose freedom. Now, this is going to sound like a weird sideways twist, but I'm going to send you both of my books, Own Your Past, Change Your Future, which I think is going to speak to you a lot, and Building a Non-Anxious Life. I want you to take that track. Often when we don't trust ourselves underneath it is the sense of angst, of I'm not even sure I've taken the next right step because I don't think I'm going to step in the right place. I want you to follow that book to a T. Holler back. He's out there, I promise you. I promise you he's out there. Go get him. We'll be right back. He's out there. I promise you. I promise you he's out there. We'll get him. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you

haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take

off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month.

That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, let's roll out to Spokane, Washington and talk to SAM. What's up, Sam? Hi. Hello. How are you? I'm doing great. How about you?

I'm doing so great. I'm so excited to be talking to you. I'm excited to talk to you. What's up? Well, I'm calling because, well, okay, it's kind of a long story. Let's see where to start. If you don't mind, can I just read this email that I sent? It kind of has it all.

Yeah, you got it. I haven't seen the email. So, yeah, feel free to read it. And just go line by line. All good. Great. Okay. Stop me at any point.

It says, hello, my name is Sam. I'm a 30-year-old female. I just turned 31. My partner and I, Randy, he's also 30. Are you all married, dating? Dating. Okay. We've been together for about seven, almost eight years.

And when we first got together, we were very already deep into drug addiction. What kind? Fentanyl and meth. Deep stuff. And heroin. It was rough. You sugarcoat it, it is what it is. No, dude, that was amazing.

If you go back and listen to the tape, I intentionally left a gap Because that's usually how it goes So fantastic Fentanyl and heroin And heroin I could go on and on

But those were the main ones I know you could So you were running and running and chasing ghosts For a long time Truly, yep, long time Long, long time And So we got together in 2016 and only got worse and worse into it. Um, drug dealing, homelessness, all the whole shit thing

about as bad as you can imagine it is about as bad as it got. And then one day. Oh, sure. Go on. Are you glossing over it for me or for the listener or for you? I'm glossing over this part because it's not the main part of my question. Okay. But before we go. It's just important detail.

Okay. All right. Go for it. It's wildly important. So we did that, and then about two and a half years ago, my boyfriend, partner, and I were sitting at home, and I started to have pains in my abdomen. And then about 25 to 30 minutes later, we had a full baby.

Okay, how far along were you? And 25 to 30 minutes later, we had a full baby. Okay. How far along were you? She was born about three weeks early is what I was told. And you had no idea? No idea the whole time. I think also denial is hugely a big part of it. Okay. Okay.

So you had a baby and people didn't ask you about it you weren't showing nope no one asked me about it it was maybe less than a week before she was born when my partner was like hey you i think you might be pregnant i i started i think what happened was she started to descend to be born, and that's when my belly started to show. So we kind of just sat on that for a little bit. As addicts, we kind of just ignored everything. Sat on that for a couple days, and then she was just born. So do you have the baby at home? Yes.

She was born in our, in our bedroom. Uh, my partner, Randy, he delivered her and, um, yeah. Okay. So you have a baby and were you still using actively at the time? Correct. Heavily. Okay. Um, again, we didn't know we were pregnant, um, until the last bit of it.

And then she was born. It was all very chaotic, but very healthy. Perfect. She had some withdrawals, obviously, but other than that, perfectly healthy. Did you lose custody? Briefly. How long? About three months.

Okay. And then did you have to go in every day and test? Uh, about, uh, three months. Okay. Um. And then did you have to go in every day and test? What we did is my partner and I, we decided to move into a long-term treatment program. Okay. So we were there for about a year and a half, almost two years. Okay. So as a part of, after three months, the people at the rehab facility vouched for you enough and your blood tests were clean enough

that they let you have your baby. Did you get access, 24-7 access or just limited access? Nope, 24-7. She was fully ours. Okay. And then after six months, they dropped the CPS case. Everything has been dropped. We are now living in our own apartment.

I also have a son who was born a year after my daughter. And everything's going great. They're both extremely healthy, extremely happy. Our bills are paid on time. Everything's going fantastically. We did it. We honestly, we did it. Are you sober?

Super sober. Is your boyfriend sober? Completely sober. Why hasn't he married you yet? Seven years, two kids. Yeah. Well, it's, I haven't really found a whole lot of importance in getting married. It's, you know, a lot's happened.

Okay. A lot more important things have happened. We were fighting to get our kid back and having another kid and in rehab and getting sober. A thing that would give you some peace in your nervous system is stability. Yes. Yes. I think you're absolutely right. Somebody looking you in the eye and saying, ride or die till death does us part.

Yes. And honestly, he is so on board and game. He would marry me right now if I asked him to. I'm a traditionalist. I'm kind of an old, old funny guy. Okay, so go ahead. What's your question? I'm definitely sure we will get married eventually. I'm sure of it.

We do think a little bit backwards. As they get older, what and how do I tell them all the things that we've been through? All the things you've been through, you don't. Very valid. Hold on, hold on, hold on. What do I tell them?

I need you to hear me very carefully on this, okay? The people that I know and love that have struggled with meth people I know and love who struggle with heroin often feel the need to enter a room and let that be their calling card for entry because here's what I know about you. You've seen dark, dark stuff. Fair? True. You've done things that would

rattle the mind of the average listener of this show. Right? Yes. I've sat with you before. Not you particular, but people in your situation and when you see a little baby and you recognize that if you were using as heavily as you tell me you were and i bet you're underselling it a bit um and they're telling you that baby's safe and baby's safe and baby's healthy and baby's neurologically okay.

Yep. You know in your soul you dodged a missile. Yes. Right? Yes, yes. And the longer you hang on to that, the longer your kid absorbs that nervous system of yours. Be grateful beyond measure for every second of every day. And don't walk around the world with a scarlet A around your neck

about what you used to do, about what things happened. Because here's what I know about you. Growing up for you was hell, wasn't it? No. Honestly, my parents married the whole time. They just celebrated 39 years. And then how'd you get off the rails? I just trusted people that I shouldn't have.

It was a boyfriend that I had years ago, and he just asked me to smoke something with him and didn't know what it was and man do you get hooked on that fast yeah you do okay so you're one of the rare ones I was wrong you're one of the rare ones that I'll trust you I I don't fully believe you but I'll trust you that everything was great and rosy very Very, very rare. Okay? Yeah. But you and I both know that when that stuff hooks you, it starts the merry-go-round.

Yeah. I'll do anything to get it, and then I've got to get more to forget what I just did to get it. Right. And the loop doesn't stop. It doesn't stop. It doesn't stop. And then the things to get it become crazier and more like, whoa.

And then the need to cover up gets crazier and more like whoa and then the need to cover up gets deeper right true yeah yes absolutely are you a good mom i'm doing my absolute best nope that's not what i said yes i'm a great mom that's your new calling card that's who you are that's your identity okay. Okay. That's perfect. I love that. I'm sorry. No, don't be sorry. See, you're already walking it back. Don't be sorry.

You have nothing to be sorry about. You literally have been to hell, as described in the Bible, and you're back. Yeah. Yeah, it was tough, but it was... And you're a good mom. Thank you. Thank you. is boyfriend a good man the best i've never met a better man in my life what's he do for what's he do for work he does landscaping currently okay um and we're getting ready to move in a couple months to pennsylvania to be closer to my family and my parents and then he's going to go back to school for welding incredible you're you connected to

your mom and dad I am extremely yes is that a safe place extremely extremely yep are you able to walk into that home with your head held high yes yep and they don't shame you? Absolutely true. And they don't throw sticks and rocks at you? Never. Okay. Then get back there as soon as you can. All right. And now listen, when it comes to telling your kids, as things come up, you might tell them, mom used to be really sick. Okay. Mom used to be real sick. I was sick for a long time. And some of the medicines I tried to use to make myself not sick made things worse.

And then one day you're going to find one of your kids with a vape pen in the room. Or they're going to come home late. They're going to be like, you don't know anything, mom. Right? Just like you did. Yeah. And then you can say, hey, I know.

Yeah. Okay? All right. And they never need to know the black hole stuff. Good. That doesn't mean you're lying to them.

It doesn't mean you're hiding from them. Okay? Okay, good. And there may come a day when you look at your kid when they're 16, 17, 18, and they're going through their own struggles and you say, I used to have a pretty significant problem with drugs and I had to surrender and I had to say I'm sorry. And maybe as they get older, you can tell them about how hard their childhood was.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Are you still walking around feeling guilty a lot? I, I try not to, but you know how it is. I don't. Yeah.

Yeah. It's, it's it's what happened happened and all I know is that we did everything in our power to to right as many wrongs as we could

and we didn't wait to do it either like we did a lot of things right in effect, because it's easier when you think you're only hurting yourself. But then we weren't just hurting ourselves anymore, and someone else needed us, so we did that. Because it wasn't enough for us to just get better for ourselves. But you know as well as I do, that's the only way it stays long term.

Yes, yep. And Sam, hear me as direct as you can. You're worth getting well for. Thank you. Oh, thank you. That really means a lot lot to me you're worth waking up and having coffee and smiling and you're worth the sunshine coming up and you're worth your rent being paid and you knowing that nobody can take your house away yeah you're worth having some knuckleheaded husband wake up walk around the house in his underwear and you'd be like ugh right you're worth

all that stuff right yeah just the normal everyday stuff that everybody gets to experience and I get to have it now

and it's so so so good will you promise me you'll never use again I promise do you have a sponsor to call um

I don't have a sponsor but I live directly across the street from my rehab so I can just walk right across the street you don't have a sponsor, but I live directly across the street from my rehab. Okay, but you won't have that in Pennsylvania. That is true. And I only know my parents there. And that's not going to be the place. So you have to

promise me and everybody listening to this show, the first call you will make and your husband will make before you turn on the electricity and the internet is to find the local meeting and you're going to go. Okay, perfect. I will do that.

Is that fair? It'll be, it'll be our first date night. That's the strangest date night, but go get them. All right. But listen, you're going to be in a new place and you're going to have a strangely familiar

feeling to that place. Yeah. And the old demons are there. You're going to run into old people that you knew. All the stuff, right? Well, I don't know. I've never been to the East Coast like that. It's going to be a completely new start.

Amazing. Yeah. And you know as well as I do, you can walk into a room of a thousand people and take one glance across the room and you know exactly where the coke is. You can walk into a room of a thousand people and take one glance across the room and you know exactly where the coke is. You know exactly where the heroin is. Right?

I try not to walk into buildings. I know, but you can walk into a coffee shop and be like, I'm going to give that guy 40 bucks. It's a strange superpower. It is. it is i but i'm also grateful for that because it helps me i try to make all of it as difficult as possible that's right i i cut everybody off that i used to know good i'm not in contact with a single person um it would be extremely difficult for me to get drugs today If I wanted to

Not that I want to But I purposely put it up for a box Sam, you can go to Whole Foods right now and find it And you know that now That's true You could And That's true

I'm really proud of you every day For waking up and making a choice not to It's hard Thank you Okay Yes, your babies need a clear-eyed mom who loves herself enough to take care of herself, to exercise, to eat right, to get some sleep.

They deserve a dad who's working his butt off, making some money, getting a career, doing all those things. Yep. They do. And so do you. Oh. yep and and so do you and you're the person who's left yourself out of this equation we're done with that okay okay yes there will come up there will come a moment in 15 or 16 years when you need to sit down with your kids and say hey i've been there too good. But they don't need to know everything.

No. I'm not lying to them. I'm not keeping anything from them. If your kid says, hey, have you ever done X, Y, and Z from Money Mom? You will say, I'm not telling you anything about that part of my life, period. Okay, great.

Boundaries, clear set boundaries. I love that. And your parents are great people, you say? It's phenomenal. Period Okay Great Okay Andrew's clear set Andrew's I love that And let's Your parents are great people You say It's phenomenal Fantastic What would you think

If you sat down Something as benign As Hey mom What's the wildest Night of sex You and dad ever had Oh god

Right What would you hope She said I'm not telling you that Right I'm never gonna talk To you about that Because I wanna preserve your soul.

Right? You don't need to know that. And it wouldn't be a lie. It would be her saving your life. Right? And so similarly, they don't get access to everything you did. There may be a moment when some of the things, some of the corners of health where you spent some time, it might be a gift to them.

And as you begin to make meaning and transition your identity away from a person who did all these things to someone who's a freaking amazing mom and stronger than anybody else in the, in the mother's day out pickup line. Right. Yeah. As you transition your identity to that, you're going to have less and less need

to go back to those old memories. You're freaking Sam, dude. A great mom. Thank you. Cool? Thank you. Yeah, that's fantastic. Thank you. Truly. Tell that goofball to marry you. It's time.. Yeah, that's fantastic. Thank you. Truly. Tell that goofball to marry you. It's time. Seven years.

Good? Okay. Yeah, will do. Quit getting all sophisticated about it. It's what got you in this mess in the first place. Go marry him. Hey, I'm super grateful for you, and I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. To hell and back. You cannot go back and undo and change anything that's happened. You can make tomorrow different. And it's going to be a fight. It's going to be a slog.

And it's going to be an uphill battle. And Sam, you're doing it. I'm super, super proud of you. Amazing. Thank you so much for the call. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Thank you so much for the call more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.

All right, we're back. Hey, this is a weird way for me to end a segment. I've never ended a show. I've never ended a show like this. But I think it's important every once in a while just to give a moment. I'll call this a new segment called The Daily Gratitude. Just super grateful. Back when I was launching my first big book,

the first big national release, Own Your Past, Change Your Future, we have a PR team, a press team that sends out all kinds of things and tries to get me on all these shows and news hits and morning news channels and yada, yada, yada. And I was a nobody. Nobody knew who I was. And my podcast was really small.

And there was four dudes in San Jose, California who took a shot on me. Justin and Adam, Sal, Doug, and the whole team out there. The mind pump guys. And I didn't know anything about them. I just know they booked him and we flew out to San Jose to be on the show. And only a couple of podcasts had me out. And they were one of them. And they were so hospitable and they were great human beings off air. And as I started to listen

to their stuff to try to figure out who they were, it was such a, I was so grateful. It was such a gift. And they're trying to disrupt the fitness industry space, which is full of trash and nonsense and advice. Or it's not even advice. It's just nonsense that actually hurts people. And they're trying to do what Dave Ramsey did for money. Just simplify it. Completely turn the whole nonsensical thing on its head. And I just was out there a few weeks ago. Um,

and I was just reminded how grateful I am for friends, for people who take a chance on other, on just a knucklehead like me. Um, but also guys who are of great character behind closed doors. And that's who the mind pump guys are. And so if you are wondering about fitness and nutrition and you don't have a podcast you can listen to, those guys are amazing. Go check them out. They don't censor. They just let it rip as it is.

And so probably buckle up. But if you want the best advice, you want to laugh along the way, and you want to learn some things, they are a great podcast. And if you're like Kelly and you just want to look at three smoke shows, there's that too. Pretty handsome dudes. They're all married, but they're pretty handsome guys. Yeah. I mean, he's not wrong, y'all. I had to spend two hours sitting mere feet away from him,

and it was not the worst two hours I've ever spent in my life. And just as an aside, if you are in the fitness space, if you're a trainer, my buddies, they have the most downloaded fitness podcast on planet Earth, right? And they just put out a three-day virtual course for fitness trainers and coaches that teaches you how to build your business. Please go check it out. MindPumpTrainerCourse.com. Go check it out. Over 10,000 trainers have done it. It's available for everyone. And I'm reading this for them. I'm not charging them to read this. These are guys that I trust and guys that I love. And if I was going to become a personal trainer,

this would probably be one of the first places I started. It would be the first place I started. Go check it out. MindPumpTrainerCcourse.com. And for my brothers, my four buddies, thank y'all so much for pouring into me personally. Let me reach out and ask questions about business, about physical fitness, about training, about stuff I'm struggling with psychologically. And thank you for your trust when you call. And I appreciate you guys taking a risk on me, taking a chance. I'm really, really grateful. And if you have some friends in your life

that have taken a chance on you, right now, this show's winding down. Finish this podcast. Give them a call. Don't just shoot them a text. It's too easy. Give them a call and say, hey, I just want to say thank you

for taking a chance on me. Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Bye.