The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do I Make Peace With This Life I Don’t Want?

Episode Date: July 26, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: A woman who feels lonely living in a foreign country A mother disappointed with how her husband fathers their son A husband concerned his wife is neglecting her health Lyrics of the Day: "Youth Gone Wild" - Skid Row Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. How do I maintain a healthy family unit when I've lost so much respect for my husband because he's not the father I need him to be? And it has completely strained our personal relationship so much that it's just completely unrecognizable from what it was. How we doing? How we doing? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. The show where real people all over the world call in to talk about what's going on in their life. Whether it's they're struggling with their mental health, their emotional health, they're struggling with their physical health, they're struggling with staying married, dating somebody, their kids, whatever you got going on in your life. My promise is I'm going to sit with you on the Dr. John Deloney show,

which feels super weird because that's my name, and it feels like I'm talking about myself in the third-person OG rock style. But on this show, I promise I'm going to sit with you, and we're going to figure out what to do next. What's the next right tiny little step you can make? If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. 1-844-693-3291, or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. All right, let's go out to Celeste in Azerbaijan.

You told me like 40 times. Azerbaijan. Azerbaijan. Azerbaijan. In Baku, Azerbaijan. There you go. Nice job. All right, we're going to go out to Celeste in Baku, Azerbaijan. Isn't that amazing? What's up, Celeste? Hi, Dr. John. Thanks so much for taking my call.

Thank you for calling. How in the world are you? Great. Excellent. What's up? So I have a question for you. My question is, what are some things that I can do to help me handle living in a place that I don't want to be? Move. I'll explain a little bit. Just move. Tell me what's going on.

If only for that easy. Okay. So we are full-time ministers, my husband and I, and we've been living here for eight years. Where's here? I've tried everything. Oh, as your vision? Yeah. Okay. And I've tried everything available to me to learn the local language. So group classes,

private classes, tutors, online lessons, everything, I can barely string a few sentences together even after all these years. And because of this language barrier, I feel isolated and vulnerable and unable to add much value to the ministry. I feel like I'm becoming emotionally unstable. I teeter between, this is fine, taking care of my family is my ministry, and full-blown rage at my husband for keeping us here. Or just depression that I'm a daily failure for being able to do anything remotely useful. So last year, I decided I wanted to do life someplace where I could speak the language. I speak Spanish, and my husband is Hispanic, so we could do ministry in any English or Spanish-speaking country. So I wanted to look at other options. But ultimately, he doesn't feel called to leave.

So I've chosen to stay here with him. But every day is a struggle, and it's getting harder for me to find contentment. Yeah. I want to challenge a little bit of your language. Is that okay? Yeah. This is not about finding contentment. This is about survival.

This is not about, this is not you in Williamson County, Nashville, Tennessee, one of the wealthiest counties on the planet, trying to make it with four bathrooms when you really want six. This is after eight years. I've got to get out of here. Your body doesn't feel safe. You don't feel safe. And quite honestly, the language thing, I think is indicative of a lot of other stuff going on. Can I ask you just a hard question? And I don't, this is going to turn all theological and I don't want it to, but it just can't not. I have run into recently more than usual, more than I have in my life. And I've hung out with people of all different religious groups for my whole life. And

the word, quote unquote, called, I've been called. It's just thrown around a lot. And more often than not, in my experience, it has become a sentence used. I have been called to justify what I want to be doing in a particular season. And I always have told people, okay, maybe you were called and maybe you weren't, but regardless of what it is, just go full into this thing and do it. And if it sounds like a crazy thing or I'm being called away from my job, just quit your job. Like it doesn't need to have this existential weight

to it sometimes. I had a great mentor of mine once told me, theologically speaking, maybe you should be more concerned with who you are as you transition in and out of things. And as you are wherever it is you happen to be, then running around looking for some cosmic calling that's been hidden from you. So I tell you that to ask you this question. You have a husband that's watching his wife wither away before him. A wife who is blaming herself, who is hanging on and unable to breathe.

And when is, what does calling look like? What's the feeling look, what's he looking for that would say, okay, now it's time to go? He wants a... Does he come like a letter? Is an owl going to land and start talking? Is he going to have a vision? What is it? What's the thing?

A clear feeling. I don't know how to say it, but that God has told him that he can leave here and also a confirmation from our pastors. So that would suggest that he has placed you third. Yeah. Behind his feelings. Behind a group of men, I'm assuming. It's a couple.

A couple who would suggest we don't want him as an employee. And maybe I'm wrong, but I can't imagine the line to go serve in Azerbaijan is super long. And so they don't want to lose an employee. And then his dying wife comes third yeah i've been around the christian bible my whole life and i don't know i haven't read read that order yet. Yeah. I have high concern about people who are waiting for quote unquote feelings from God. Yeah, I understand that. I tried my best to work through the system that we have created for ourselves. And the language is very important.

You don't say, I feel, or it's hard, or I'm struggling. You say, let's look at options. Let's see if we can transition. Wait, why did y'all create a structure that divorces one of your body's most important signaling systems? I don't know. I feel that is the way our church does things and our pastors do things. We don't rely on our feelings because our feelings are unreliable. Except your husband's waiting for a feeling to know what to do next. It doesn't make any sense. It sounds like there is some high, high control and some high, high restriction of autonomy. You will submit to us because we are your leaders and we know more about what?

The spirit or whatever is telling you and it's more important than your depression It's more important about your thoughts that you would rather not be here at all than be here where you happen to be The thoughts you're having about just running away and leaving your husband and your family so that you can breathe all those things We'll tell you We'll tell you how to feel later. And with all due respect, Celeste, that's dangerous, dangerous ground. And I hate to be telling you this because I know you already know all this. I want you to first and foremost know you're not crazy, okay? You're not crazy. This situation sounds bonkers. If any one of your pastors wants to call me, I'm happy to have them on my show and we can

have it out. And if I'm wrong, I'm happy to be wrong. This sounds dangerous to be honest with you. So the real question here is this. You can't do anything about what the pastors think, what they believe, what they feel. You honestly can't do anything about what the pastors think, what they believe, what they feel. You honestly can't do anything about what your husband thinks or feels or believes because he has chosen to wait for indigestion or for his heart to beat faster or whatever feeling he thinks he's gonna feel. And he's chosen to wait for a couple

to tell him what he and his wife are allowed to do with their lives. And so the only person you can control in this situation is you, your thoughts and your actions. And so my challenge to you is, are you in a position to find safety in places there in Azerbaijan? And when I say safety, I mean, join a dancing class. Maybe you can't speak the language, but we're going to get integrated.

And I'm sure you've tried all this stuff. Join a whatever group or this group or that group, or is it time to begin to say, hey, in 365 days, I'm leaving and going back to the States. You get to choose whether you come with me. I have thought about that. Yeah. And I don't, I don't,

I don't know if I should do that. If that's the right thing to do, to do that to him. I can tell you. That ends his whole world. What, what part of his world do you play? We, we came to this thing together.

I was totally on board. We were on the same track, and things have just changed over the years. And that's okay. My wife married a guy who was going to be a heavy metal singer. That didn't work out. Then she was married to a guy who was going to be a heavy metal singer. That didn't work out. Then she was married to a guy who was going to be a college president. Thus far, she's married to a YouTuber and a podcaster, right? Things change.

And I married an extraordinary elementary school teacher who became a world-class research college professor. And she recently got her Master Gardener's license and now has created like a jungle in my backyard. And it's incredible. You know what she's planted? Every living plant that has ever existed is in the gardens in the backyard. We've become different people because our lives changed. changed and with you if you are trying to compress yourself to such a degree

that even if you do survive this literally you will have set a forest fire you will have done a control burn on the things that make celeste inside burn into the ground. So that if you'll end up in Spain or Venezuela or back in the States, you'll just be a shell of who you once were. And I don't think that's fair to you. I don't think that's fair to your husband. I don't think that's fair to your kids.

I don't think that's fair to the people you're serving. You're worth more than that, Celeste. And I'm telling you this as a husband, at least for me, I would much rather have a different job and a whole wife than the other way around. And I challenge any husband, any husband worth their salt to flip that equation on me. No, bro, I'd rather have a great job and feel the right feelings in my guts and have my wife just slowly wither away.

That's insane. That's insane. So here's what I want you to do. I also know this. I know there are cultural implications. I know there are safety implications. I know there are financial implications. There's a lot here.

And it is easy for me as a 200 pounds, six foot male, just to start cranking things out. You need to do this. You need to do this. There's a lot of scary things between you and just walking the streets of St. Louis, right? Yeah. A lot. I know that. Okay. I want you to do the hard work of writing down maybe for the first time here's what I want and here's what I need what I need for me to feel safe, what I need for me to feel whole what I need for me to continue in this marriage here's what I want for me, here's what I want for my kids here's what I want for me.

Here's what I want for my kids. Here's what I want for my marriage. And I want you to sit with that for a bit. And if you're spiritually led, pray over that for a bit. And then from those needs and from those wants will come some pretty clear boundaries. Christmas 2023, I am moving with all of my heart and soul.

I hope you move with me. And maybe God's speaking through me, husband. This is the message you were looking for. Ta-da. Just looks like Celeste, not indigestion, whatever feeling you think is coming. It doesn't have to be Christmas. It doesn't have to, it can be whenever.

But I want you to spend some time with you. And if possible, not the couple that I guess y'all work for, but find a couple of women who maybe are former missionaries, some women who have been where you have been and have come out on the other side, that you are able to say, I need some help, or I'm not okay, or how did you handle this? And you're going to feel at the beginning, like you're betraying your husband and private family secrets. And this couple that runs y'all's life is going to wake.

We keep family stuff internal. Not anymore. Because the language you're using is one of someone who is on a trajectory that makes me uncomfortable. As a guy who's done funeral services, as a guy who's done memorial services, as a guy who has sat with people who are thinking about hurting themselves, who are a guy who sat with funeral services, as a guy who's done memorial services, as a guy who has sat with people

who are thinking about hurting themselves, who are a guy who sat with people who have just left their marriages because they just can't. Your trajectory doesn't feel good. And rightfully so. But I want you to get some people outside of this toxic circle

and begin to say, hey, I need some help. I need some help. What do you think about this? Am I crazy? What was an avenue out? What's a path? Like what are conversation starters? I need some help. I need some help. What do you think about this? Am I crazy? What was an avenue out? What's a path? Like what are conversation starters? What are some things that I can do over the next two months, five months, six months, a year?

Or whatever my boundaries are going to be. But just from what you're telling me, it sounds like you're done. Beyond done. And now as you're unable to have any kind of power control over your external situation you're beginning to set fire to what's inside and that makes me nervous for you and you you gotta hear me say you're worth more than that anytime you want to call celeste um we're here and if you want to tell that couple that's uh hasn't feelings yet, tell them to give me a shout. We'll be right back.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck

hiding your true self behind costumes and masks I want you to consider talking with a therapist Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself Where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest authentic life Costumes and masks should be for halloween, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy.

You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online, and you fill out a short survey, and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Detroit Rock City and talk to Vanessa. What's up, Vanessa? Hi, how are you? Part partying what are you up to oh just um doing some grocery shopping some around the house stuff good good for you that sounds that sounds more fun than being a podcaster what's up oh I don't know yeah I know this is actually kind of a scam of a job. It's pretty cool. What's up? So, um, I wanted to talk to you about something that's been kind of

brewing inside of me over the past two years. Okay. And I'm going to, I'm going to try and not get emotional so I can get through this. So I apologize. Hey, don't ever apologize for getting emotional on this show. You're, you're, show. You're free to feel as you wish on this show. So thank you. So my question is, how do I maintain a healthy family unit when I've lost so much respect for my husband because he's not the father I need him to be. And it has completely strained our personal relationship so much that it's just completely unrecognizable from what it was before we had kids. Give me some examples. So just a quick story, more a quick back story just because it's relevant to my question. So me and my husband, we've been married eight years.

We have a two-year-old. Our relationship was very quick when it happened. We had an online relationship, and within like eight, nine months, we decided we had to be together, and the best thing to do was to get married. So he left his whole life behind, his family, his work, everything to come and live with me across the country. And we started basically our new family together. And the first couple of years of our marriage were quite tumultuous. We were unemployed. We didn't have anywhere to live. I severed connection with half my family and it only just made our bond so much stronger. Was there abuse or was there, what was the tumultuous part?

Why did your family, half your family quit talking to him? Because my father is like textbook narcissist. And my relationship with him was quite emotionally just very damaging. And it wasn't until I got married that I really had the courage to kind of stand up to him. And it wasn't anything that my husband did. It's just seeing how he treated me through my husband's eyes just kind of gave me courage to stand up to my father and, you know, break that relationship with him. And just my husband was like with me.

So for the first time in your life, you realized you're not crazy. Yeah. Or you're not the bad guy. And that I am not this angry person that I am because like the second we broke connections with him, like I became this so calm, like loving person and I couldn't recognize myself and you know, it all had to do because I was just under so much mental stress, bias of it. And so I have so much, you know, to thank to my husband for it. He didn't actually do anything. All he did was love me and support me. He didn't do, you know.

So fast forward, you have a two-year-old now. How have things changed? When you say you're disappointed in the father he is. So we talked about when we got married, we were on the same page. Bring me to now. Bring me to now. Things change over the course of a decade. Bring me to right now.

So he is very disconnected from our child. I became a mom overnight, you know, and I tried to give him so much time to adjust to being a father. I know, you know, some men, you know, it takes time, but he is so disengaged. He's disengaged from our new family. We go to do family things and he chooses to stay home and find things to do at home. And it's just, it's gotten to the point over two years that I have not seen any growth in him as, you know, a husband, a father, because he can't just be a husband anymore, right? He has to be his father now. And our relationship has changed so much. We used to be so good together and it's just gone out the window

and no one has like, we've never had like big fights or anything like that. It's kind of like just this cloud that's now hanging above us. So he's not on the phone with me. I'd love to talk to him if he ever wants to call in. I'd love to talk to him. Because here's to call in. I'd love to talk to him.

Cause I, here's my promise to you. He doesn't like the way things are either. Oh, I, I, I'm sure of it. But I want to paint you a picture and possibly give you a few things. Now, when I give you a few ideas, I don't want you to take these ideas as though this is your fault in any way. Okay. But here's the deal.

There's a great saying, not by your hand, but in your lap. You didn't make all of this happen exactly the way this was. You played a role. You're married. You're a part of this ecosystem, but you didn't cause all this, but the hurt is sitting in your lap, right? So I'm going to give you a few ideas of things that you can do, but I don't want you or any of the listeners walking away being like, I can't believe you blamed her for this because that's not what I'm doing at all, not even a tiny bit. Okay, fair?

Same team? Yeah. Okay. It is super, super, super common for a baby to be born. And dad looks at this baby, and he's been told by every Instagram account, every pastor in his life, every whatever. When you hold that baby, everything's different. Yeah. when you hold that baby everything's different and you hold that baby and everything's not different

you're just scared to death because you don't know what to do and I'm not saying anything Vanessa but maybe in this situation he has a very strong wife who has a very clear picture about the way things are going

to be done and the way they're going to look. That's not how you do that. You do it like this. You do it like this. No, no, no, no, no. You don't do it like this. How come you didn't do that? Why didn't you know that about that? So I'm very aware of this and that's why I have not said any of that. Okay. Well, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Let me, let me finish. Okay's why I have not said any of that. Okay. Well, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me, let me finish. Okay. Cause I'm not blaming you here. I'm just walking alongside you. So, and possibly over, it happens by degrees and I don't know any guy who has thought this out loud, but it happens by degrees, which is I'm not good at fill in the blank. I'm trying to do diapers right.

I'm trying to be able to read like, should I get up right now? Should I help right now? Should I just sit right here? And absent some very clear, helpful instructions, it's tough. But here's what many good men do. They say, I'm not good here, but I'm going to be awesome at work. Or I'm going to make sure this car is running like a top and the roof is always fixed and the yard looks perfect. Because that's a thing they know how to do and they can convince

themselves that that's a thing that helps the family, which in a way it is. And then wife is sitting here feeling that slow peel away. And you snap your fingers and you blink and it's two years and you find yourself four inches apart on the couch and you are 4,000 miles away from each other, right? And so I promise based on what you've told me about who this guy was and the role he's played in your life, I bet he would give everything to have a close relationship with this kid. But maybe he's never had an opportunity to have a two-year-old go, no daddy, and run away and not realize that it's not because he's a terrible father, but it's because there's a knuckleheaded little two year old. Yeah. I see that happening a lot. And I see him getting hurt because my son's like, no.

And then he, you know, he doesn't want anything to do with him. And he's like, well, you see, I tried and I can see him getting his feelings hurt. And I'm trying to remind him, you know, he's just too, you know, but. And so, and listen, if he was on the phone with me, I would tell him those moments sting and I don't care. You got to keep showing up and you got to keep showing up because that will change to something fun and that will change to something silly. Or a lot of dads try to start imposing life lessons on two-year-olds. It's, I was the worst. Like my son would do something and I would be like, that's not the kind of man we're going to be. Oh my gosh, he's two. He's two,

right? We need to play with balloons and mud and soccer balls and sticks and fish. Like this is not the moment for life lessons. He's absorbing life lessons from me at the mitochondrial level, but my explaining crap to my two-year-old is no good. And all I have to say is this, often men find themselves in these moments with their toolkit and it only has three tools in it. One of them was given to them by their dad and their dad also gave them four other ones

that they threw out because they were no good. And it's really, really frustrating for a wife who has a very clear picture of how she wants this thing to look. And so the only path forward is not this moment of my husband sucks. He's not the man I wanted him to be. He's not the dad I wanted him to be.

It's an understanding that every single moment of your life is different now. What was is now over. It's gone. And that's not a bad thing because what you can rebuild and what you can become would be, can be infinitely better than what was. You thought it was fun just having this cool, fun relationship where y'all made out all the time and y'all just went out to eat all the time and all that. That was awesome. Yeah.

You can have that times a hundred. When you have a kid, you're doing life together, you're building something amazing together. He's coming home dead asleep because he's so tired from working so hard and you are coming home and you're dead asleep from raising kids,

all the stuff. It's this beautiful thing. Here's my path forward if I was you, okay? Okay. I would take him out and say, we're going to go eat somewhere and I want you to get a babysitter. So it's just y'all two.

And I want you to get a babysitter. So it's just y'all two. And I want you to be open about the things that you wish you could have back. Now, again, please know, in not one ounce am I blaming you for any of this. Zero. But I want you to be the person who lights the fire for this thing to move forward. And if you sit down and y'all go to breakfast together

and you plan on spending three or four hours at this restaurant and you're going to create, begin to build a blueprint for this new life because now you've got kids and you sit down at that table and say, you're not being the dad, you're not being the dad, you're not being the husband, you're not being the man that I knew, then he has to throw a wall up to defend himself.

Right, right. At that point, he just doesn't listen to anything. Yeah, he checks out. And you probably have done that before, right? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe once. Whatever. So here's what I want you to do.

I want you to sit down and say, I'm sorry. If I could do this all over again, the moment I found that I was pregnant, we would have been right here at this very table dreaming about what our life could look like together. And here's my picture of being a parent. What's your picture of being a parent? And what scares you about being a dad? And what are things that you don't have any idea? What's coming? Because vanessa i'm telling you I was a pretty plugged in dad

I really wanted to be good at it and I had no idea about how some of the stuff worked And I went to the internet to try to find things. There's not a lot of help for dads to be helpful around the house And then I went to some of the Christian literature, and it's trash. It's nonsense. It's awful. And so I got stuck. And then I decided I'm just going to be so great at work. I'm going to be amazing at work because I'll make a bunch of money for my family.

And so – So this is some very good talking point. If you could redo it again, what would you do differently, you know, from the beginning? But you go first. You say, I would have been more clear. I would have told you, oh my gosh, kids poop 400 times a day. And until the kid's about three, they're going to toggle between lots of hugs and lots of, no dad, no! And it's not personal.

They're just a bundle of nerves. And so when they say, no dad, and they run away, then you can say, here comes it can turn into some silly game. Yeah. Or you can just get a hose and go pour it outside in your backyard until it just turns into a small mud hole

and dad can just plop down in it in his shorts. And the kid will just sit down and y'all can smear mud all over each other. And that kid will tell that story at his funeral because he'll see the pictures. He won't remember it, right? It's both completely recalibrating this thing with very clear direction and instruction. And maybe you give him permission to say, how have I made this hard for you, husband? Yeah. And give him an opportunity to speak.

But I promise you, based on what you've told me about him, he doesn't want to be here either. Yeah. And then if you leave this breakfast with we have a united picture of what parenting is gonna look like. Once a week, he's gonna have kid all to himself,

even screams, cries, all that. Some of the greatest gifts I had was that my wife taught graduate school two nights a week and I had Hank all by myself. And he would scream, he would cry, he would have just regular newborn issues that I had no idea what I was doing. But I had to figure it out.

I had to figure it out. I had to call old friends, I had to call old buddy, I had to call everybody, but I had to figure it out. And so all I have to say is, y'all come up with whatever roadmap works for y'all. And instead of sitting back and being like, he's failing me, he's not the guy I married, let's lean back in with some very clear,

on these nights, I need help with. I would like to spend two nights a week just watching a show after the baby's gone down or while I'm feeding the baby, and you just hold my hand and we watch a show. Will you just rub my shoulders and tell me that I'm pretty for about the next 30 minutes,

please? Would you, right? Let's be very specific. And if this was Hollywood, it would be so awesome if he just knew all this stuff by osmosis. He doesn't. He doesn't. And if you do all this, y'all lay this out. He commits, you commit, you're in.

And then come Monday, and for the next six weeks after that, he just goes back to work. Now you got a problem. Because now he's choosing, I'm going to go back to what's easy. I'm gonna go back to what I know. I'm gonna go back to checking out. And then there's a time for grief and a time for marriage counseling. But I think based on what you've told me, you're in and he's in and you want this thing to work and I promise he wants something different. And like I say, I'm happy to talk to him if he wants to call in.

But I'd love for y'all to go out and just say, okay, we have a whole new life now. We're two years into kid one. We may have more than one kid. Here's what I would do differently and I'm sorry. What are some ways you've experienced me over the last few years? What are some things that scare you to death about this baby as he's getting older or she's

getting older? And let's start there. I'm highly optimistic for you guys, Vanessa. I'm really proud of you. I'm really proud of you. We'll be right back. All right. So I'm going to do something I don't normally do on this show. We had a caller who called in and talked with Jenna and then backed out. Now, when you hear the topic, I don't blame him. Tough topic. But it left us in a lurch because Jenna schedules these calls out in advance. And as we sat around talking about this call, we thought, we're just going to go ahead and do the call without the caller. It's that good.

So here's the question that we got. I'm going to read the email in its entirety. Jenna printed out the entire email for me. And here's what it said. Ben, you need to put some like dramatic music at the beginning of this. That can be arranged. Excellent. Okay.

So here's the question from Dean in South Carolina. Canceled at the last minute. How can I address or should I address the topic of my wife's weight? Married for 13 years with one child. The topic of my wife's weight. Married for 13 years with one child. I love her, but her weight is becoming an issue. She's always too tired to do anything.

She sits on the couch and plays games on her phone. Our intimacy life, our intimate life is lacking. She turns me down a lot because she's too tired. I ask her to go to the gym and she's too tired. She says she wants to lose weight, but then does nothing about it. I'm not a small guy, but I go to the gym five to six days a week. She refuses to go back. I am concerned for her health. That is the email. So can we do this? Can I ask the two women in the booth? We all participate in this?

Happily, yes. Should Dean address the topic of his wife's weight? Married for 13 years with one child. I think there is a way to do it, yes. Okay. I don't know that it's the way he's currently doing it. No. But, I mean, there is a legit concern for somebody's health.

Well, and so this email's got like 15 different issues in it. Right. Oh, there are issues. Yes. Yes. Jenna, when you first hear this, what happens inside of your body? Oh, I don't like it. No, no, no, no.

Okay, why not? I don't like the way he keeps calling her lazy. I don't like the way that he says I go to the gym five to six times a week. And not to mention, we had talked about this before they have one child. So we don't know how recent that was. Uh, it could be, she's going through postpartum depression. However, I think, yes, address it, but like Kelly said, not the way we think he is. So here's a whole bunch. This tells me this is a marriage in trouble and weight is becoming the flashpoint of much bigger issues. So when I read this thing, and again, the caller bailed out. So we're just going to go with our side of the story here. Married for 13 years with one child. This is a tough season

for marriages. Year 13, that year from seven to 10 years, and it extends out a little bit. That's a tough season for marriages. So it's not uncommon for someone to be in year 13, they've got a kid and they start to ask themselves, is this it? Is this what this is someone to be in year 13, they've got a kid and they start to ask themselves, is this it? Is this what this is going to be? Right? The answer to that question, 100% of the time is it doesn't have to be. Any group can change, any marriage can change at any moment and say, we're going to do something totally different. But I love her, but it's kind of like the old Southern, I don't want to gossip, but she's kind of, I almost said something so bad. You would have made me redo that, so I didn't say it. I don't want to say anything ugly about her, but.

Bless her heart. Bless her heart. She makes out with lots of boys. Right? Like anytime you say the word, but I love her, but you just, just throw. I love her out the window. It doesn't count. So her weight is becoming an issue. Then he transitions to, she's too tired to do anything. She sits on the couch and plays games on her phone.

Then he says, we're not having sex. And then she says, she rejects me a lot, which is different than we're not having sex. She rejects me a lot because she's too tired. I asked her to go to the gym and she's too tired. She doesn't want to go work out with you. Beefcake 2000, right? So there's a couple of things here.

I want to start with the obvious. I have a friend. I don't even call him a friend. I got a guy that I know who gets home from work, walks in the front door and heads straight for the refrigerator, grabs a beer, goes and sits on the couch and turns the TV on and does not move the rest of the night, period. Doesn't.

If there's no food being brought to him, he will just pull out his phone and order it. I've known this dude to order a single Jimmy John's sandwich to his house just for him. He's got kids. That guy is lazy. Lazy. He's probably going through a bunch of crap and all that. He's got depressed, whatever. That is lazy. There are people like that in the world. That may be the case here. Maybe. But this wife's not on the phone, so I'm going to go with probably not. Followed up with number two. She's too tired to do anything. Hey, husband, maybe ask. Not in the middle of a heated fight, not when she's sitting on the couch looking half asleep,

but on a date, on a Saturday morning. Hey, you look so exhausted. Like, I want to walk through our life, the life that we lead together, and I want to find things that I can take off your plate. I want to be a better contributor on this house. And your first thought might be, I work all day. I don't give a crap.

What can I do to help in this season, right? How can I help everybody be less tired, right? Kelly, Jenna, y'all pitch in any moment here. The next one is our sex life is lacking. She turns me down a lot because she's too tired. Maybe, or maybe I'm too tired is a way to keep you off of her for any number of reasons. And I will also say,

if she's put weight on, she's well aware. She knows. Trust me. She knows. It's not like someone's ever sat down with their spouse and been like, hey, you've put on a bunch of weight.

And they're like, what? No way. I didn't notice. And so she may not feel very attractive right now because that's a legit thing. I understand that. She may not feel attractive. And saying, I want you to come have sex with me,

is not a way to make somebody feel attractive. Right. Working really hard to let somebody experience that they are beautiful is totally different. Okay? I don't know how long I have to keep saying this, but men, is totally different. Okay?

I don't know how long I have to keep saying this, but men, trying to tell your wife how much you go to the gym as the precursor to get her to go to the gym, it's one of the toughest things you can do. Because trust me, she already knows how much he goes to the gym because chances are she's home by herself dealing with everything while he goes to the gym.

What are you saying, Jenna? I get to see you lighten up in there. Yeah, yeah, no, that would put me off. Also, I just realized too, at the end, it says she refuses to go back. So in my mind, she's gone to the gym with him before. There's a reason now she's not going with you more than, yeah, yeah. And so husbands are often guilty of saying, let's go to the gym and wife goes. And then he gives her the mind pump anabolic workout program

that's about an hour and 20 minutes. And she's never lifted before and go like, this is how you do squats. And this is how you do split squats. And she's like, I don't, I don't, I don't feel comfortable in here. This whole day.

Everybody's looking at me. I'm like, what are we doing? The whole thing's awkward and awful. And then the next day she's so sore that she can't breathe. And then he's snapping to a slim gym and she's like i'm not going back versus hey i'd love to go to the gym you want to go to the gym with me i've got my whole workout thing i'm gonna do and asking is there anything i can help you

with and she can say nope or she can say i just don't even know how those things work i don't know what to do in there I feel awkward and weird cool I'm gonna hire let's hire a personal trainer for three or four times. You can go by yourself You can go on saturday mornings when nobody's there or you can go at 10 a.m When nobody's there right and we'll get we'll pay for child care or whatever But sit down and have that conversation versus just handing a workout and being like go get them right totally different program Yeah, or even like just start like instead different program. Yeah. Or even like, just start the conversation. Like instead of maybe jumping right to the gym, like, hey, why don't we start

going for like a walk? Let's go for a walk. Just getting outside and being together. Maybe even having that time together of just you and her and having conversation, she'll open up more because chances are she's probably dealing with stuff that she's not talking to him about. Because his answer is, soak it up, let's go. And that's not a great answer most of the time, especially to people we love. And I don't know why this is. It's one of the great mysteries of our world, but I have a PhD in in counseling you know who i don't give counseling advice to my wife did you know my wife is kind of putting her on blast a little bit it's kind of funny but she doesn't listen to the show um she explained to me a few months ago this new stuff she had learned about how trauma works through its body it works through a human body and how it gets lodged up in the nervous system.

And she kind of walked me through this. And I said, I wrote a book on trauma called Own Your Past, Change Your Future that I think bought you a car. And she was like, yeah, but like, this is what I'm trying to explain. And I, at that moment, I at that moment I just knew I knew because I've been married for 20 years and I love her and I know I just let her teach me about it and that was awesome and there was nothing about winning and there was nothing about why haven't

you read my book and what because she listens to all those stories for she's listening all the stories forever she lived many of those stories and it's probably not good for her mental and emotional health to go read that, them again. But all I have to say is handing, like browbeating somebody into an exercise program is never helpful. Maybe sitting down and saying, hey, I go to the gym five to six days a week. I'm going to start going three, which gives me three more days. It's a couple of hours a day between the drive there, the workout, and the drive back to go all in, plugging into this household. How can I help? Because I want you to know how much I love you. I want you to feel beautiful.

I want you to feel like you've got some capacity to breathe and do some things that you want to do. And it's also fair to say, I feel like I'm losing you to your phone. That's different than you're always on your phone, but saying, I'm losing you to your phone. I'm losing you to the couch. I'm losing you to the television set. And I feel like you're having an affair with an electronic device. I miss you. Am I hard to be around? Am I hard to be with? I know.

Right when I said having an affair with electronic device, Kelly started laughing. So there you go. Just no. No. No. laughing. So there you go. Just no, no. So asking you, can I ask y'all one more question? Sure. So is there ever a place for your husbands to sit across the table and say, I'm struggling with being attracted to you right now, or you've put on a whole bunch of weight in the last year or two,

and I'm concerned for your health. I am struggling with attraction. I'm struggling with watching the person I love, how she feels about herself. Is there ever a place for that in your opinion? Definitely. Yeah. Um, Jen and I had this conversation early and we have different answers, but I would have agreed with her when I was her age. But now here I am a couple years later. And definitely there's a place for that because there's, it doesn't mean you love me any less. It probably means you love me more than I think you do because you're willing to talk to me about this. But yes, attraction's a real thing. And there's a, to me, it comes down to the way you do it and the reason you do it. The reason is the most important is because I love you so much and I want us to have this crazy sex life. And I love – I want to want you kind of thing. And that says something, man, because that's going to be a big motivator for me.

I think you're beautiful. I love you, and I want you to be healthier because I know also when you feel better and you're healthier, you're more engaged. There's a lot of ways to do it that are appropriate and okay. Yeah, hard. Yeah, it's going to be hard. There's no question. But if you really love somebody and you intend for this relationship to continue because if you don't, there's just going to breed resentment. You're going to find somebody else attractive.

Yeah. Here's how my wife has done it for me. Because if you don't, there's just going to breed resentment. You're going to find somebody else attractive. And partridge in a pear tree. Here's how my wife has done it for me. In the few seasons over 20 years when I've just put on a bunch of weight, when I've gained 20 pounds doing this or doing that, the weight is almost always the canary in the coal mine. It's almost always the indicator that something in the ecosystem is off. And she has sat down and said, hey, you are snoring like crazy. And that's not who you normally are. And you're always tugging at your t-shirts now because they feel too tight. And I'm always tugging at them, tugging at them, tugging at them. And so she can rattle off three or four behaviors that I know what the ultimate

signal is, is that I'm out of control with my eating or I'm using eating to soothe something that's going on in my life or whatever that happens to be. And the fact that she loves me enough to say, there's a full picture here of my husband that's not whole and I'm not okay with that because I love you. That's very different than, oh my God, you got fat. I don't even want to be with you anymore.

Or God, you're lazy, go to the gym. That's one of those going to shut me down. And one of those is, all right, I'm going to get with somebody because I know the answer. Good God, I work in this industry. I know the answers, but I need to get on the phone and call somebody. I'm going to reach out. I'm going to do whatever I need to do. Or I'm just going to suck it up, start going to the gym, even though it's going to be uncomfortable for a few weeks until I get the thing going. But it's rooted in love and compassion, not in judgment and blame. Yeah, it's all about how it's delivered and the reasoning behind it. And like I said, she knows. She's not stupid.

She knows she's put weight on. And so browbeating her with it and telling her how she should do it and what she should do, not helping. Yeah, it definitely, for me, it would be harder to hear. Just at the age that I am, I, you know, closer to like my teenage years and like growing up, I grew up in a household where everything I ate was nitpicked, how I looked was nitpicked. So it would be hard to hear it. But if it came from a place of like love and like in a way where it wasn't like you're doing this like very derogatory, you know what I mean? I think I could understand it and cope with it.

I would just need time. Gotcha. Gotcha. I would just need time. Awesome. Which also is – I'll leave it at this. when you're frustrated about something like this, something about your partner's aesthetic, something about your partner's health, it is never a good idea to have that conversation right then. It's not because everybody's charged up. You're charged up. You're emotional. You're coming at it. And somebody who's struggling with any of these issues is instantly going to respond to that. And so a lot of what you've put on here, fatigue, exercise, weight,

lack of intimacy, rejection, turning you down, a lot of those things are all like a pie piece that you pull out one piece and the whole thing crumbles. They all work together on this thing. They all work in sync together. And so, Dean, here's how I would start this conversation. I'm sorry. I can commit to you.

I can promise you that over the last six months, the last year, last two years, I've become judgmental. I've become short. I've become frustrated. I've become short. I've become frustrated. I've become angry. I've become all these things. You're my wife and I love you.

I'm sorry. I'm worried about you. I've got my own struggles and my own feelings and we can talk about those things, but I need you to hear me say, I'm sorry. Most importantly, I love you and I'm worried about how tired you are all the time And i'm committed to being a part of this family and to going all in i'm going to cut back the time at the gym

I'm going to cut back time fixing cars in the garage or playing guitar. Whatever it is. I'm going to be plugged into this home I'd love for you to go On a walk with me at night if you If you need to go see a counselor, if you want to make some space for being with friends, but I feel like I'm losing you to my phone or to your phone. I feel like I'm losing you to the television. I feel like I'm losing you to Netflix. And I'm struggling with attraction.

That's me being as honest as I can. And I love you. I'm not going anywhere, but it would be can. And I love you, not going anywhere, but it would be dishonest if I told you I'm not. I'm not struggling with that too. Let's start there. Dean, you're going to sit in front of your wife and you're going to hold up a mirror to yourself and you're going to ascribe to her what you see.

And that's going to provide her permission to say, well, this is how I feel. And this is how I've experienced you. And this is what I'm going through. And from there, y'all can create something different, maybe. And if your wife's just a jerk, then you got to take that head on. But my guess is she's probably not. She's probably just done. And it's from that ash that y'all can plant something new that's going to bloom and flower down the road. Hang in there, man. We'll be right back.

All right, as we wrap up today's show, this is actually one of my favorite bands ever, of all time, ever, ever, ever, ever, especially when I was a kid, the great Skid Row. But we're going to do an elevated poetic reading of their classic, Youth Gone Wild, written by Rachel Bolin and Dave the Snake Sabo.

Since I was born, they couldn't hold me down. Another misfit kid, another burned out town. Never played by the rules and I never really cared. My nasty reputation takes me everywhere. I look and see it's not only me. So many others have stood where I stand. We are the young. So raise your hands.

They call us problem child. We live our lives on trial. We walk an endless mile. We are the youth gone wild. We stand and we won't fall. We're the one and one for all. The writing's on the wall. We're the youth gone wild.

I guess these are the kids like they want their loans like forgiven and stuff, I guess. Hey, stay in school. Don't do drugs. See you later. Bye.