The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do I Motivate My High Functioning Autistic Son?

Episode Date: August 6, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode How do I honor my mom while still preferring my wife? My dad just died, and mom is relying on me a lot and my wife is resenting the time and energy I spend with her. John reads some letters Lyrics of the Day: "Home Sweet Home" - Mötley Crüe   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: grief, marriage, family, boundaries, anger/resentment/bitterness, counseling/therapy, reconciliation/forgiveness, special needs, parenting, workplace/career   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a father and husband who's trying to navigate his wife and his mother. We also talk to a father who's got a 16-year-old son who's brilliant, but he thinks he might be lazy. We also read your letters. Stay tuned. Hey, everybody, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. And I started this show with a growl because that makes me sound tough, right? I'm so glad you're with us on this tough show about mental health and relationships. I think I'm the least tough guy that I know, especially when I'm in a room with Kelly and James. I am the least tough of the three.

Hey, and we're glad to have everybody back. We've got a full deck now. And James was so unimpressed with Ben. He's making Ben sit behind him now. It's so good. And just watch. Don't speak, Ben. He's making Ben sit behind him now. It's so good. And just watch. Don't speak, Ben. Just watch. Don't speak. That's a great

No Doubt reference. Shout out, James. I appreciate what you did there. That was huge. If you don't know who No Doubt is, just pause this right now and go to Spotify and go through the top three or four. No, just listen to Tragic Kingdom in its entirety. Start to finish.

And then you can come back to this podcast. Hey, man. Y'all doing well? Fantastic. Ben's nodding. Not speaking to you, Ben. Just kidding. I am glad to see you.

Glad to see everybody back there. Look at everybody, man. Hey, we got a wild show today. So I'm excited y'all are here. And so I'm going to get right to the phones and hang with us on this show because we're gonna have some really cool letters that have come in that I want to walk everybody through and they're they're powerful they're great and I want to get to Aaron um Aaron is with us from Seattle Washington and Aaron you were on the show the other day and the way this works is Kelly puts the calls up in an order and they're color-coded

and i just screwed it up and i went to the wrong color and that meant i got out of order and then you had to go to work yeah yeah that's right because evidently making money or whatever is more important than being on this show which is ridiculous ridiculous, but whatever, Aaron. No, man, I'm so sorry, brother. I screwed up, dude. I'm sorry. No, that's all good. It was more that driving to work, I entered some roaming areas. Do not roam and be on this show. It is not worth you paying for this stuff, for sure. This is a free transaction. Absolutely, man. Well, hey, how can I help dude? Good to talk to you. Thanks for taking my call, Dr. Delonia. I really appreciate it. Um, I, I'm, I am having some trouble, uh,

navigating how to choose my wife and honor my mother. Um, uh, yeah. Tell me more about that. Yeah. So it seems like you can do both of those. What am I missing? Um, about, um, uh, about, sorry, one second, um, about three years ago, uh, my, my father passed away from a rare degenerative brain disease. Oh, man, sorry. We all had seasons of caring for him. You know, my mom really took care of him until the end. After that, my wife and I made a real conscious effort to be there for to, to, you know, have her come out to visit and, um, you know, fast forward to today and, and my mom, she really wears a lot of that neediness

on her sleeve and, and it just feels like, you know, nothing can ever be enough and it can be really abrasive, especially for my wife who isn't used to, you know, personality quirks and whatnot. And so the trouble comes when I find myself defending my mom's intentions over my wife's or, um, advocating for, uh, her and, and my wife is felt really hurt by, uh, the way that I've handled, um, this relationship. And I just, I don't, I don't know how to do those two things well. Dude, thanks for, thanks for trusting me with that. Um, is your wife, right? Like just being honest, just two guys, is your wife right like just being honest just two guys is your wife right yes yeah she's yeah have you told her you're right no sorry and i don't know what to do um yes okay and she she's asked me to talk to people

so so backing up to your mom she lost husband, she lost her co-pilot, and it sounds like it was a long, slow burn, which is a really painful way to see somebody go. And in the meantime, a lot, people don't know how to, people don't know how, like, you know, how long do I bring this up for? You know, uh, they just don't know how to be around uncomfortable situations where you're, where the other person's in diapers and the other person's bedridden. And you, so no, I didn't feel like a lot of people rallied around in the heat of that situation there's one or two that stick around and you know that they're a good friend but yeah so fast forward a couple of years this is several years ago

when you say she's you got to apologize for she's not being um she's not pleasant she's got anytime a son says my mom's got personality quirks that means mom's not being cool and you're trying to find a nice respectable way to say like my mom's really hard to be around so when you say she's got quirks she's tough you have to apologize and explain what does that mean? Give me some, give me some examples. Yeah. So it's, it's mostly in, it's in moments where, um, my wife and my mother, um, don't get along. And, um, it, it really does seem like, like personality clashes where, um, my, my mom is actually really kind of cheery in your face person, loud and, um, and they, her and my wife just don't, don't get along. And so when it comes to things like how often should she visit or, uh, how long or where should she stay?

Uh, you know, my, my wife is wife is, she draws these pretty heavy boundaries. It's not just personality differences. It's, you know, my wife, sorry, my wife has drawn these boundaries and she feels like my mom continues to cross them. So this doesn't sound like grief issues. One common misconception is people who are grieving deeply can be jerks too, right? I thought that's what this call was. That doesn't sound like that. That sounds like your mom wants to come visit and hang out and your wife doesn't like your mom. And so she says, mom can't stay here. I don't want mom around. Is that, is that more of the issue? Yeah. Yeah. I think I was, I was equating the grief with neediness. Um, and we,

we have the monopoly on grandchildren right now. And, and so she always wants to come and visit the grandkids. And so why doesn't your wife like your mom? Cause she cheery i see so i i thought this call was i thought you were calling to say my mom is constantly calling us and crying and you don't care about me and why do you love her over me and you just abandoned me and i'm still grieving like that doesn't sound like the case sounds like mom just wants to is lonely and she wants to come hang out with grandkids even if she's not lonely she wants to come is lonely and she wants to come hang out with grandkids. Even if she's not lonely, she wants to come see your grandkids, wants to come see you guys. And your wife doesn't like her.

Why doesn't she like her? Yeah. So for a couple of years, that was the case that my wife really didn't feel like she liked my mom. She had said that. And she's recently had a change of heart and she kind of recognized that my mom isn't necessarily a problem, but it's when there are relational issues, when there are boundaries crossed because I have been quick to defend my mom, my wife doesn't feel like she can be totally transparent with me. She doesn't feel like she can bring to me, oh, you know, your mom did this,

this really annoying thing with the kids. And, and, you know, this thing I really didn't like, or she fed them this thing. And she doesn't feel like she can. Aaron, your mom's not the problem. You and your wife are having some challenges, right? Yes. Yeah. Yes. Mom has become a cool, easy outside target for your wife because she doesn't know how to deal with you.

Yeah. Well, I feel it's, you know, me. What is it, man? There's something bigger that you're not telling me. Like what, what is the relational fracture between you and your wife? You've got little kids, you're exhausted. You're not showing up. Your wife has changed. Like what, what is it? There's something bigger than mom. Um, yeah, I, I, I kind of felt like they were unrelated. Um, you know, I, I, I just felt like it's kind of this, um, my tendency to, um, defend my mom and it's not man

your mom has become a way that your wife can try to talk to you without attacking you and so that that's your sounds like it's your wife

trying to get your attention without coming after you do you take feedback well or do you shut down? Are you a shut down guy? I think I've become a shut down guy. Okay.

If your wife gets pissed at you, do you go into neutral? Do you fight back? Like, what's your response there? I go into neutral. Okay. So your wife knows I can't talk to you. I can't come at you. I can't have a healthy fight with you.

I can't have conflict with you so we can work through it because you go into neutral. I'm going to go after mom. And there probably is some real hurt, whether it's justified or not, right? You lost your dad, and that's hard. How long have you'all been married? Five years. Yeah, man. So learning how someone you love grieves is always messy. It's always messy. My wife and I had to deal with that too. She lost a really close family member a couple years after we got married. I didn't get it. I didn't understand it. I grieved differently.

I thought she was grieving too hard. I didn't know what I know now. And so we had to learn how each other grieves. And there was some pain associated with that. She thought I was insensitive and she was right. And I thought she was. So we had to figure that out. You had the misfortune and the heartbreak and the challenge of you got married. And then a couple of years in, your dad's body began to shut down on him and then he passed away and y'all are still figuring out marriage figuring out young kids and now you're figuring out how to grief and by the way my mom's grieving too so you're in the middle of this thing right so that's something that every young couple has to work out that's part of it but there's

something bigger here whether you haven't dealt with your dad whether you haven't dealt with i don't think i like my wife because she was mean to me when I was hurting, whatever that is, y'all have got some major relational fractures that I'm worried about. And then your poor mom is just what's coming out of their grandkids and she's become the scapegoat here. So let me ask you this. Do you love your wife? I do.

Do you like her? And there's a difference there. Yeah. I feel like 90% of the time it's wonderful. And then we hit these ruts. And for a month or so, we don't like each other. Are you a, when you go into neutral, let me ask it this way. Are you violent with your silence? Yes.

Do you become a very heavy presence in your house? Yeah, I do. And you'd never hit her or scream at her, but you'll just slowly drown the house in that. My wife calls it Sunday afternoon, dad, but just that hulking. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yep. Yeah. That's me.

So don't do that, man. Don't drown your wife in silence. And y'all are in desperate need. and i'm telling you this from personal experience man i did this for 10 years 15 years i got so self-righteous i would never scream i don't yell i don't smash stuff i don't fill in the blank i would never be abusive i don't raise my voice but dude i could just be violent with silence and avoidance and whatever, then fine. And I left my wife out there on an island screaming and yelling and waving flags saying, will you help me?

Will you talk to me? Nope. Cool, man. Whatever, dude. You know what I mean? So here's our desperate need. How old are your little kids? We've got three in three years good gosh dude yes of course so just back up for a second the last five years

by the way if you ever call somebody else for help lead with that by the way you've got that i have that i have three kids in three years yes in a five-year-old marriage and by the way dad slowly died in this process and then my mom slowly grieved drowned with it drowned she drowned with him and then stuck her hand up and i was the guy you guys have had a lot in five years a lot yeah yeah Y'all are exhausted. You're fried out. Y'all used to just go be silly and reckless. And I bet you used to be fun, is my guess. I bet you were

a blast. I used to be. I was a blast for sure. And your wife remembers that guy. Yeah. And are you all, like, deep and thoughtful? And you're like, oh, what about this? And you got, like, thoughts on Bitcoin and stuff. Is that you?

Surprisingly accurate. I knew it. And I bet your wife, you see, look, that's the guy she married. And here's the thing. That's the guy you are. And you've heard me say this a hundred times. I'm going to say it a thousand times more until they take the show off the air. But listen, you all got to get away and you got to just look your wife in the eye and

say, I have sucked and I'm sorry. Now, to my defense, dad died. We got three kids. I love you. But this has been chaos and I haven't done this right. And we cannot go back and edit yesterday. All we can do is hold this pen and start writing new sentences for tomorrow. And it's going to start with excavating the site. You've heard my Twin Towers analogy. You cannot

take, what's happening is you're waiting for things to get back to the way they used to be. And she's waiting for things to get back to the way they used to be. And you can't because there is no going back. You got three kids under three. Y'all are on the annual sex plan. And every time you do it, you have a kid. Right? It's a little better than that, but yes. It's not. It's just America.

They're fine. They get it, too. They're all there, too. But listen, y'all have to, have to get away and look at each other and say, I am still in. And I've got a lot of growing to do. I've got a lot of apologizing to do. I've got a lot of saying, do. I've got a lot of apologizing to do. I've got a lot of saying, I'm sorry, and I need to learn some new skills. And she does too.

The mom isn't the issue. Y'all are exhausted and fried and cooked. You cannot take all that metal and all that glass and all of the smoke and dust and rebuild the Twin Towers. You can't. You got to excavate the whole site, get a new architect, get new engineers, dream big, and then rebuild something new. And it's going to suck, Aaron.

It's going to be hard. But here's the deal. Right now sucks and it's hard, isn't it? Yeah. Yes. So choose the hard, choose the difficult path that is fun and romantic and has sex and laughs a lot and listens to music and your stupid theories on Bitcoin and whatever.

Go back to that or create something new. Don't go back. Create something new to that. Dance in your living room, man. Decide that you're going to love this woman. And then there's going to be moments when your mom wants to come visit. And then you need to talk to your wife about, hey, mom needs to see your grandkids. That's a thing that's going to happen.

I turn into an idiot. Help me be a better husband when my mom is here. What do you need from me? And I guarantee you she's got a list. That's different than, well, mom this and How can I honor you when my mom is here? And then you're going to go tell your mom that. And your mom is going to think you're the greatest husband ever. Wow.

And my mom, I mean, my mom, my wife sends emails to our family. Hey, here's the schedule. Here's who's sleeping where. And that helps everybody's theater. And we love it, right? But it's just negotiating and learning and talking to each other and i will be honest with you brother your marriage is on the ropes these are tough tough seasons so this is sos time the alarms are going off um you step into the gap here man start with i'm sorry stop with i've blown it stop start with we're gonna rebuild this thing

dude i'm so excited for what this is gonna turn into i want you to call me back after you have this conversation with her you're gonna take her out we're gonna do a half day retreat you and her hey can i chime in with something yeah yeah what if there are legit boundary issues with mom that that are being crossed as well so if so this Aaron, this is James. So if there are legit boundary issues, you have to have the boundary conversation with your spouse. A great question, James. You got to have the boundary conversation with your spouse outside of all this other stuff. So a part of I'm all in, I haven't been doing my end right. And she's going to say, I haven't either. And we're going to clean up the way we talk to each other,

clean up the way our marriage looks like. Then we're going to have a true boundary conversation. So the way I like to think about that is you can't build fence on lava, on moving rock. You've got to let that stuff be settled. And then you can say, here is our boundaries. And then you have to communicate those boundaries to mom, right? And sometimes that boundary might be, hey, mom, we have a house that's small.

It's a three-bedroom, two-bath house, and we have three kids under three that all need to sleep. They all need to have a solid routine, plus me and my wife, plus, plus, plus. We need you to stay in a hotel. We're going to pay for the first night. You can stay as long as you want. We want you here at 8 a.m. to come play, but here's our nap times. We don't budge on these. We do not feed our kid these things. We're asking you, I'm asking you as your son to honor that. Oh, honey, they can have Twinkies.

Not in my house, right? And there comes a moment when if mom crosses those boundaries, that's a whole separate phone call. It's a whole separate conversation. And there may be a moment when you say, you can't be on the kids because we've asked you and you're not honoring our boundaries. I don't think that's the case here. But yeah, it's a great question, James. But I don't want people building boundaries

because what happens is you end up building boundaries against your spouse to punish your spouse, not because of a mom issue, right? Great question, man. Look at that question in a question. This is like a russian doll episode here i love it yeah it's a random if one of those two things can be true at the same time it's exactly right situations but you got to go you got to make sure your your relationship is healthy

first and then start building boundaries you got to make sure your ground is stable before you start putting fences up right hey thank you so much for that call aaron call me back after your half day with your wife i gotta know how it goes um My gut tells me it's going to go great. And maybe I'll just take a half day. I'll meet for two hours. Then I'll just go take a nap for a couple of three hours. That would be awesome. All right.

Hey, stay tuned. We'll be right back with the Dr. John Deloney Show. All right, we're back. Hey, listen. Five bucks to Kelly. I'm so sorry so james can we just edit that out i hate doing that nope you're just gonna make it ride sometimes you just gotta own up so far i'm gonna get something pretty nice here pretty soon you are you're gonna get something pretty nice for those of you new to the show, I always say, hey, listen.

And y'all are sitting there with headphones on and you're in your car. You're already listening, clearly. And I'm telling you, hey, listen. It's so dumb. I'm directing y'all what to do. Y'all are grownups. You can do whatever you want. A few episodes ago, I don't know, maybe 20 or 30,

I was talking about these stories we tell ourselves, right? These things that we happen that we carry around with us like bricks in our backpack. And I offered folks this, write these things down. What are the stories you tell yourself? Write them down, demand evidence from these things, and then put them down. And put them down means different things for different people. Some people write letters and they burn them. I had a client once that wrote letters and they shot it up with one of his PPU guns or whatever. But I offer people, hey, send them to me. Just put them in the mail and be done with it. Have a spiritual moment.

Have an existential moment. Put these stuff in the mail. Write them down and let them go and i got letters man and hey the offer still stands you got something that you cannot get out of your soul that you wake up anxious you go to bed and your heart's racing you wake up at 2 a.m and you're thinking about this thing that happened thinking about thing that you did the things that you said that you can't go back and change there were 10 years ago 20 years ago five years, the things that you said that you can't go back and change. There were 10 years ago, 20 years ago, five years ago, the things that happened to you, the things that happened to somebody you love. At some point, you have to make the decision. I'm not going to be defined by

the worst thing that ever happened to me. I'm not going to be defined by the worst thing I ever did. And I've got to decide I want to be a part of a healing process. I just want to take a different road. And that starts with taking the bricks out of your backpack and setting them down. You're welcome to mail them to me. Use a pen on a piece of paper and write them down and mail them. So I got letters, man. And some of these were gut-wrenching and hard and beautiful. I just picked two this morning.

There's, I mean, a number like this. Here's one. And, and these are heavy. I want you to just to know that they're heavy. Um, some of these had no names on them, no return addresses on them. They just came to me at work. I didn't know where they were from. Um, that sometimes they had a postmark city, but sometimes, you know, I don't know if they're actually mailing, if they're on vacation or whatever, but here's one I got.

Um, close your eyes and listen to this letter my name is xyz and i'm a huge fan of your show your positivity and compassion is infectious makes my day better hope it's making me better thanks ma'am i heard on your show that you told someone to send you a letter with the word cheater on it as a way of letting that go and i was planning on doing something similar but burning it and I figured I'd just send it your way. So here's my situation. And this person actually sent two letters, one to me and one to the person that hurt them.

So here's my situation and what the other letter will be. Tomorrow, I'll be asking the parents of the most wonderful, sweet, tough, bubbly, and lovely girl for their blessing to marry their daughter. There is one chapter of her past I still haven't gotten over and will hopefully finish in premarital counseling. In her previous relationship, she was pushed on her physical boundaries and was raped. She's processed it, forgiven the guy that hasn't even asked for forgiveness and considers it part of a plan she's thankful for

chances she gets to use it as a way to connect and help others she's moved completely past it but I still hold resentment towards this guy uh-huh I don't want him to occupy my thoughts or energy anymore

so attached is my letter to him. I hope you get this and maybe speak about being in relationships with people who have had an abusive past. And he goes on to write a letter to that guy. the fortitude to be able to look in the mirror and say, I'm letting somebody that I've never met, but that it hurt the woman I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. And I got to let that go because all I'm going to do hanging onto that, I'm just going to drown the current relationship I'm in. And the letter that he wrote is as gut-wrenching and heart-wrenching

as you can imagine, but it's powerful. And so if you're listening to the show and that's your letter, I want to tell you thank you. It's an honor that you sent that to me and you trusted me with that. I think you're a brave stud for saying, hey, I'm putting this down. And I'll tell you, this is going to be a healing process. You say, my wife's over it. This will circle back and there'll be some challenges, but she's got a rock star by her side who understands, hey, you were hurt. Somebody took a lot from you. And I love you.

And we're going to be in this together moving forward. Thanks for sending that, man. And thanks for being strong enough to say, I'm going to be in this together moving forward. Thanks for sending that man. And thanks for being strong enough to say, I'm going to set this down. Another letter we got, um, no name. Man,

just says in giant marker, no more second guessing. And underneath it in pen it writes, I don't need to second guess every decision I've made. It is what it is. He left me here. And when he did, he left all the joy and happiness and opportunity to be healed. He left us with a quiet, joyous, peaceful home.

He left me with a safe, calm place to raise mine, our children. Where they don't wait for the next shoe to drop. I couldn't make him stop yelling, make him happy enough. I couldn't make him be here long enough to just enjoy our beautiful lives together. There are things I miss and I'd never imagined for this for myself or my family. But when I step back and really look at what he gave us, by finding himself a better life, I have no doubt in my mind I'm doing the best I can,

that I gave everything I had to that 21-year marriage. And I loved him, and I loved our kids. I'm still trying to prove myself. I'm still trying to show I can run a household and pay the mortgage and all the bills and provide a wonderful environment for myself and my kids, all without any support from him. He never even asks if they need anything. But that's the way it is.

I know this, and I don't fight it. I just continually readjust the sails of my boat, pointing towards my North Star. No more second-guessing. After 21 years, he just looked at her and said, I'm out. Good luck with the kids. Man, that's hard, hard, hard. And yet she says, I'm learning how to do this. And it's a grind and it's tough. It's painful. And I second guess myself, but I'm putting it down. I can't go back and change him. Can't go back and change those 21 years. I can't go back and change him I can't go back and change those 21 years I can't go back and edit the past but I can write a new tomorrow

I don't know who sent it I don't know where it's from but I want to tell you if you're listening what an honor you're a strong, powerful, extraordinary woman find a community that will rally around you, let people support you so you can get some sleep and some rest. Man, your kids are lucky to have you.

Awesome. Hey, send me your letters. That stuff you're carrying around, those stories you tell yourself, those stories you were told growing up, those stories you're told at work still. Write them in a letter, put them in the mailbox, set them down, be done with it. Thank you all for being brave. All right, let's take another call. Let's go to Andrew in Indianapolis. Hey, Andrew, what's up, man? How we doing? Dr. John, how we doing today, buddy?

We're all right, brother. How about you? Oh, not too bad, not too bad. Outstanding, man. What's up? I, uh, I have a almost 16 year old son. He's, uh, he'd be 16 next month. He's, uh, autistic and, um, he's high functioning autistic, which means someday he'll have to get a job, have a family and be a productive member of society. Um, and anybody who has a son with autism or a daughter with autism knows that even though high-functioning autistic people can definitely function in society, they definitely have some quirks about them. And he is, I want to say lazy.

I don't know if that's the right word. His IQ is off the charts. He's super smart, unlimited potential, but just will not get out of bed, will not get a job, will not, has no desire to be a member of society. And I just wanted to know if you've had people like that, if you've ever heard of such a situation and what advice you would give them. Yeah, I've heard heard it with both first man thanks for i say thanks a lot on this show but here's the thing man there's not a lot of dads that will say hey i'm trying my best with my son you got some you got some ideas so many dads just try to bury that thing and grind it out with the way their dads dealt with them so thanks man thanks for

being willing to ask i'm i'll tell what, John. My dad was a Marine. There you go. Great Depression. So for me, it was always just suck it up, buttercup, get work done. And that's kind of how I've tried to raise him, and it's not working. Yeah. Oh, man. So, hey, well, thanks for calling, man. So I do hear this a lot.

Very common. But I hear it from parents who've got autistic 16-year-olds and parents who have regular 16-year-olds. Right? So you're not bananas and out of the ordinary or anything like that. How is your son with emotional regulation? Does he have a good grasp on it? And here's why I'm asking that. A lot of 16-year-old kids, 17, 18, 19, even 20, 21 year olds, they struggle, autistic kids, they struggle with

the emotional regulation and that exhaustion doesn't look physical. It looks lazy. And that social anxiety and that buildup that I don't get these social cues. It's kind of like you, if you walked into a restaurant and everyone's speaking a different language than you, and they're all trying to talk to you and everyone's getting louder and more frustrated with you, the easiest thing for you is to leave, right? I just going to leave. And so when it comes to that emotional regulation and everybody's like eyebrows and clicking and smiling and not smiling and turning their heads, it just becomes a lot. And dude, I'm just going to go lay down. So how is he with emotional regulation?

I think you just described him to a T. Okay. He hides in his bedroom a lot because he doesn't deal with people very well. He has the maturity of a much, much younger person. But yet he's, like I said, he's extremely smart. He can build rocket ship someday yeah yeah yeah so we live in a culture that really really focuses on test scores and test scores really really reward intellectual like i one plus one is two right i know how this thing is put together which then tags autistic kids with wow this guy's a genius and it does two things one it takes a kid who may not be great at math facts but can

walk in and sell something to you know be a day trader or can read a room and make their way through it and it says that kid's dumb and he's not and it also says well your kid should be doing x y and z because he can pass all these, and there's the emotional regulation part that's so heavy. What are some ways, and I'm not putting you on the spot here, I'm asking you this question because I know it'll be a hard question to answer, but it's going to be a gift to the fathers out there listening to this. What are some things you've tried that you knew why you were trying them weren't working and you just kept

hitting the gas harder because you just because you're I'm out of tools man well for him in particular you know it's it's a lot of times like chore list you know I'll give him chores to do and I know they won't be done by the time I get home and I'll give him consequences for not getting them done and And there's just an excuse after excuse. And he never knows why, you know, it's not my fault because of this, because of this. And I keep telling him in the real world, your boss doesn't care. You know, you're still going to get in trouble. You're still going to, and it just, it's like talking to a brick wall. So the frontal lobe development of a 16 yearyear-old honestly can't process in the real world when you're 26.

And that's the way I've done that. I was a high school basketball and track coach. I use that same line, too. I used it with some of my 18 and 19-year-old college kids until I realized they don't even know what that means. They can get it intellectually, but it doesn't wire the same way you and I know. If I don't go to work, my family doesn't eat, right? There's a processing issue. And that's not an excuse to not be a participant in this home. You will do your chores, and I'm all about that too. So here's a couple of things I've seen be highly successful.

Going back to educating your son on emotional reactivity. A lot of that has to do with do I the thing is and so every 16 year old is scanning their environment endlessly both in like both you know with their thinking brain and with their unconscious mind is scanning the world do i fit in here do i belong do i belong do i belong do i belong am i too short am i too tall not funny enough do i say enough bad words do i say? Whatever. Is giving him the understanding that he belongs with you and that he belongs at home. So here's a way to do that. This may not solve all of your problems, but here's a way to do it. You create with him. Do you have other kids too? I have a daughter who's 15 months older than him. Yeah. Okay. Is she all in?

Yeah. She's good. She works three, four days a week. She's, she's very different than him. Yeah. Okay. So I want you to get your kids. Is mom live at home too? Me and their mom are separated. Okay. All right. Or divorced. Sorry. Okay. Okay. And they live with you? We go half and half every other week.

Half and half. Okay. Do you and mom still communicate? Yes. Okay. Can you all work together as a team on things? Most of the time, yes. Okay.

So you add in, how long have you all been divorced? About 10 years now. Okay. So you add in that additional, I don't belong anywhere now because I belong everywhere, to an emotionally dysregulated young man, and that becomes a lot. Does that make sense? That amplification becomes intense. And your daughter might not be able to process it, but she can feel it because she goes to moms and mom does her best to have a warm, safe place that she can count on. And she

comes to your house and there's a warm, safe place she can count on. So she can feel that. She can regulate herself there in that environment. Your son can't. And so creating a safe place for him. So here's what would be beautiful. This is perfect pie in the sky world. It may not work out this way. I would love to see a scenario where you and your ex-wife and the two kids create a, here is the rules of our family. Here's who we're going to be.

We don't even live in the same house, but here's who we are. And when I say rules, not we do chores, it's deeper than that. We are a family. We're talking about identity. We're a family who respects each other. We're a family who talks with respect to one another. We're a family who is silly. We're a family who is fun.

We're a family who does our best to laugh. And then we're going to create behaviors underneath these identities. And I want your kids to participate. And if ex-wife won't participate, that's great. You do this for your home. I want them to participate in who we're going to be and bring them in as vital members of this family. You grew up in the house of a Marine. I grew up in the house of a homicide detective and a SWAT hostage negotiator. Our homes were what our homes were going to be, right? And I know my dad worked, I mean, in ways that I will never fully be able to thank him for, to shift and change as he grew just as a dad and a husband and a man.

It's been incredible. But I get that home. Like, this is what discipline looks like. And it came from a great place. There's just fewer tools in the toolkit, right? So you make sure those two kids sitting around your table, and I've seen it done with artwork. And that's the way we do it in our house. We went to like Michael's or something like that. And we got a canvas and we painted it at home with our little kids. Here's who the Delonys are. And then we could always point back to that when it came to chores, because it wasn't a, I told you to do these things. It was, hey, this house doesn't

run without you. We need you. Are you okay? Are you hanging in there? Because this place is a three, this house is a three-legged stool, man. And one of the legs is just laying in the room. And what I've seen with young people is they desperately want to know they belong. They desperately want to know that they're an integral part of a system. And they go to school and they're told what to do. And they go to their fast food jobs and they're told what to do. And they read social media and they're just told they're losers and the world's falling apart around them and they're all going to die. And so they don't belong anywhere.

And so at my house, at my table, you're going to belong. You know you do. And you're going to slowly shift your language to your son with, I know you're brilliant. How does it feel when everybody's yelling at you in a language you don't understand? And give him some tools. And it may be that y'all need to go sit down with an ABA therapist, right? Someone who's skilled at working with autistic kids. We're going to learn some emotional regulation tools so that he knows how to, because you're right.

He's going to have to learn these skills. But I want him to learn these skills tethered to the anchor that dad says, Andrew belongs because you're mine. And then from there, this house doesn't operate without you, man. And then, of course, there's natural consequences. He's a 16-year-old kid. And then from there, this house doesn't operate without you, man. And then, of course, there's natural consequences. He's a 16-year-old kid. So if he doesn't do these things, hey, you opted out of participation here. I hate the fact that you chose not to go to the movies with us on Friday.

I hate the fact that you chose not to go to Driver's Ed or be able to drive. I don't know. I hate it because I wanted you with us, man, but you opted out. And instead of I'm punishing you for this, the results are the same. They're still going to have consequences, but I want them to begin to internalize these consequences, not just try to please dad. Does that make sense? The shift there, it's subtle, but it's massive. Yeah, I see what you're saying. Definitely. So this could be a fun exercise for you just to think, man, who are we as the Andrew family?

Like, who are we, man? And I'll tell you, as a dad, it challenged me because we put some things like we go on adventures. And you know what my default setting is? No. My default setting is, dude, let's just go to bed. Let's just watch a movie. And one of our family core values, and my wife slid this in. I knew she tricked me. We go on adventures. Does that mean we say yes? And we actually turned one of our family core values into we say yes. So when my son comes in at eight o'clock at night and it's a

weekend and said, hey, instead of going for a movie, can we go on a night walk and try to catch turtles? Yep. Let's do it. Right. We're just going to go on adventure. We're going to make memories that way. I had to change my behavior and it became hard, but then I got to model to my kids what that looks like. And they got to participate in that. One other thing that I've seen just with resounding success, and I saw this with college students I've talked about on the show. I saw a partnership with a college theater program and the autism center. It's a research center, but it worked with college students with autism. And listening to these young people talk about their experiences, they were side-by-side with theater actors and they didn't know how to process emotion.

They didn't know how to process pain. They got angry, right? Or they got tensed up. They didn't know how to process fear. They didn't know how to process social isolation. But in a theater context, they got to be an actor and inhabit somebody else's body and have a character to which they could be taught what pain was supposed to look like. And what they learned from inhabiting the body of other characters was, oh, this is what this could look like in me. And so it became less personal and it became something you practice in a theater context. And I'll never forget, it's a goosebump moment going to watch a theater performance with world-class collegiate actors who are theater students and students with autism who'd been practicing for months with this theater troupe. It was extraordinary. And then listening to the autistic students talk

about their experiences and how it's impacted them. So I tell you this, whether it's an instrument, whether it's playing in a group, whether it's joining a choir, whether it's joining a theater troupe, there is something powerful about art that helps teach emotional regulation. It helps teach processing. It helps teaching. You may not be able to feel this, but what is that person suggesting? What is this songwriter? What is this song communicating to you?

Does it feel uplifting? Does it feel like the lights are out? They feel like the lights are on. And it gives young people with autism or any young person who's struggling with emotional regulation or, spoiler alert, grownups too, it gives them a new language. And it's profound, right? So I would suggest getting with an ABA therapist there in your community if you haven't already, and then finding an art troupe, a theater troupe, letting them know that, hey, this one's going to, my son's going to have some special needs here, but begin to work with them. But all that tethers back to,

hey, young man, you belong in my house. And as a part of being in this family, we can't function without you. So here's the tasks you've got on your plate. Here's the task. I got rent. I got food. I got going to work. You got garbage, man. And we can't do it without you. Right? Love the call. Thank you so much, Andrew. You're a stud.

I appreciate you, man. Thanks to everybody who calls. Thanks for the letter writers. Thanks to everybody. Thanks to you guys. You guys being James and Kelly. I realize somebody listening in the podcast is like, who's he talking to now? And we don't say it enough, but thanks to you as well.

I'll let Kelly speak for me as well. Lots of as wells. So as we wrap up today's show, man, I met a bunch, a couple of cool folks last night. We're working on a project here that's just incredible. But one of the folks who we met, her name is Lindsay. She said she's a big fan of the show. And I told her, you get to pick whatever song, the greatest song of all time. And we may have done this song. I don't remember it. But the song she picked made my heart. Remember that scene in Step Brothers when they look at each other and it's like, did we just become best friends?

Yep. Because she says, what about Home Sweet Home by Motley Crue? To which I wept large alligator tears and said, I'm married to my soulmate, but I think I just met a new friend. It's off the Theater of Pain album, sometime 91 or something like that. Stop what you're doing today and just listen to this song. The piano intro, Tommy Lee showing, I'm not just a drummer, I'm a musician too.

And it goes like this. You know, I'm a dreamer, but my heart's of gold. I had to run away high so I wouldn't come home low. And just when things went right, doesn't mean they were always wrong. Just take this song and you'll never feel left all alone. Take me to your heart. Feel me in your bones. Just one more night and I'm coming off this long and winding road.

I'm on my way. I'm on my way. Home sweet home. Tonight, tonight, I'm on my way. Home sweet Home. Tonight, tonight, I'm on my way. Home Sweet Home. I thought I knew what that song meant for a long time. After reading that, I have no idea what they're talking about. But we're just going to roll with it right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show. you