The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do I Overcome My Issues With Women?

Episode Date: April 10, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A husband realizing the issues in his marriage are rooted in past abuse - A woman unsure of how to share with her grandkids the bad choices their mom has made - A wife increasingly frustrated with her husband’s ADHD On today’s show John mentioned two books. You can find “Scattered Minds” by Dr Gabor Mate here and “Discipline Equals Freedom” from Jocko Willinik here. Lyrics of the Day: "Bad Blood" - Taylor Swift Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I was abused by my stepmother. Verbally, emotionally, and physically. Thankfully, not sexually. Hold on, hold on. There is no thankfully here. It's easy to pass along to say, hey, it was emotional, but it wasn't this. I want you to sit in the hell that was your child.

What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, and I'm so grateful you've joined us. We are figuring it out, whatever's going on in your life, in your marriage, in your relationships, trying to date in the 20, what century are we in? 21st? In this century. Madness out there. This is the Dr. John Deloney Show, which we so creatively titled after me. I'm John. And we are talking mental health, relationships, marriage, parenting, all the things that are keeping us up, struggling. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291.

And don't forget to send in your success stories. Ways you've transformed your marriage, ways you transform your parenting, ways you have decided, I'm not going to, I'm going to set these backpack full of bricks down of old childhood abuse. I'm going to move on.

Let us know about your success stories because we want to share them with the world. And don't forget to leave your five-star reviews and hit subscribe. It just takes like one second. Just hit subscribe real quick. Ready? Okay, thank you for doing that.

One or two of you probably did that just then, but probably not. All right, let's go to Nico in Boise. What's up, Nico? Good morning, Dr. John. Good in Boise. What's up, Nico? Good morning, Dr. John. Good morning, Nico. What's up? Well, I have a problem that I've sought resources for,

and basically the advice I found on the internet is that the issue I'm having makes me a wuss, so I figured I'd reach out to you and see if maybe you could give me a little better advice. You were like,'ll call him well done nico well done so what's up man what's what's this problem you got well so i hold on by the way never go to the internet dude thank you there you go go ahead and learn that one the hard way. Go to random podcasters. Way safer. Way safer.

All right, so what's up? Well, my wife speaks pretty highly of you, so I figured that was a good place to start. You're a wise man listening to your wise wife. Well done. Okay, so what's up? So, as a child, I was abused by my stepmother verbally emotionally and physically thankfully not sexually um hold on hold on hold on hold on stop you right there i'm gonna stop you through this whole thing is that cool yeah okay there is no thankfully here okay okay it's easy to pass along

to say hey it was emotional was emotional, it was physical, it was psychological, but it wasn't this as though there's levels here. Okay? I want you to sit in the hell that was your childhood and don't say,

yeah, but somebody else got this and somebody else got that. We're not going to do that. We're going to let it ride. Cool? Okay. All right. We're in got that. We're not going to do that. We're going to let it ride. Cool? Okay. All right. We're in it now.

We're in it. Your stepmother abused you. Evil person. Tell me more. Yeah. All right. Well, so she was my primary caretaker and parental figure. My dad worked a lot.

We're talking gone for weeks, come home for a few days, gone again. And so she was my primary person. And I didn't really think much of it as a kid. It was just, that was my normal. But then they got divorced when I was getting ready to enter eighth grade and things happened. I didn't know about it at the time, but I had issues with women, especially when they would show any emotion besides happiness, I would shut down. And I only had a couple of relationships through high school, nothing really serious. And then after high school, I, again, didn't realize it at the time, but looking back on it, I kind of avoided interacting much with women, like jumped into male-dominated professions and

basically became my father working all the time. And then about two years ago, my wife, who was one of the couple relationships I did have in high school, she was my childhood sweetheart. We reconnected after more than a decade and ended up getting married. And we actually just on Valentine's Day had a daughter. Congratulations, man. Thank you. But through the course of our marriage, there's been a couple incidents where my wife has had tension or conflict with another woman and I didn't defend her. And basically I just kind of shut down and I didn't stand up to the other woman. And it's a thing that I, again, at the time didn't notice until we talked about it. And she pointed out to me that she doesn't feel safe because I don't

defend her. And it's interesting. And it's caused a lot of reflection on me because if it was a dude, no question. I'm a pretty big dude. I used to fight like I was, I was a fighter. It wasn't great. I was eight and six, but I'm within 10 pounds of my fight weight. Like I I'm confident and capable, willing to throw down at a moment's notice with a man. But if a woman gets mad, I shut down. I just, I don't know what to do. And in a couple instances of reference, rather than try to intervene or stop the other woman or get in the way, I tried to control my wife instead. I was like, honey, you need to calm down. You need to do this.

And I didn't help her. And she has expressed to me that now she feels unsafe and I will do anything I can to save my marriage. And I got to figure out how to get over my issues with women and be able to stand up to a woman. That's the first time you ever said that out loud? Uh, besides talking to my wife about it before i made this call yeah yeah i just want to applaud you for saying that out loud that's hard thank you that's hard you're not a coward you're not weak okay cool thank you and if you've listened to the show for more than five minutes i'm'm not always accurate, but I never lie.

Okay. So your mom abused you. That's trauma, right? Yeah. Do you acknowledge that? I do. Okay. So trauma can be a couple of things.

It can be what you experienced, which is abuse. It can also be what should have happened, what you should have received as a child, as a kid, that an adult withheld from you. Okay. That makes sense. That means your dad is involved in this too Your dad left you man Yeah, and you got a little boy in there wondering why dad did you leave me? With this woman that I don't really know to go through this

And where's birth mom? She passed away when I was three. Okay. He remarried when I was almost six. Okay. And I'm just going to make up a story here that might or might not be right, but it wouldn't surprise me if he went all in on your birth mom and she died and he didn't have a plan b and his body told him i we don't have a plan b but we're never going to get hurt like that again but he wanted companionship and he wanted

connection so he got remarried to somebody and then he hit the road you nailed it almost exactly. He was all in with my mother to the point of, uh, working multiple jobs to afford a lifestyle they couldn't really afford. So she could have everything. They were living in Hawaii and he was, I mean, all the way down to not being a religious man himself, but never missed Sunday Sunday Mass because she was at About Catholic. And then when she passed, it broke him. And so the man that raised me was an alcoholic that worked on the road a lot. That's right. I need you to hear the layers here.

Mom dies at three. Dad disappears in a bottle. Dad disappears on the road. Dad gets remarried to somebody who's abusive and crazy. And Nico, you got out. Don't let anybody ever, ever tell you that you're weak. Or that you're not strong or you're a wuss. Ever. And I don't a wuss. Ever.

And I don't care about your MMA record. Okay? You got out. You hear what I'm saying? I did. Okay. Now, I think you're misguided.

And I'm telling you that out of love. Okay. Okay. Now, I think you're misguided, and I'm telling you that out of love. Okay? Okay. I've done a few things to a few events with Jocko. You know Jocko? I do. The Navy SEAL guy is real tough. He's awesome.

He's a great guy. Behind closed doors, he's a great guy. In front of closed doors, he's a great guy. And he's doing some good stuff. Former Navy SEAL. And I'll never forget this as long as I live. In my training, I didn't have a record at all. My training for years with MMA is before you could get fights every weekend. It was impossible to get fights.

I left MMA training infinitely less of a hothead i haven't been in an altercation since i just decided i'm never doing that again because it wasn't the end result wasn't worth it and i'll never forget this interview with jaco where somebody was asking him about it and if you don't know jaco's multi-time black belt in jujitsu. He's a former Navy SEAL. He lifts weights 24-7, 365. He eats like bricks and iron for breakfast. And somebody asked him, okay, so you were walking with your wife and kids down the streets of San Diego. And some crazy person runs out and tries to start something with you. What do you do?

And Jocko said, well, I guess I would grab my wife's hand and we'd walk across the street and go down the other sidewalk. And the guy said, what? You wouldn't defend your wife's honor? And Jaco said something that will stay with me for the rest of my life. He said, if it takes me beating up some lowlife on the streets to prove that I honor my wife, I have failed her in every other facet of our relationship. That's not where you show honor. And then he went on to say, there's a handful of men on planet earth that can defeat me in hand-to-hand combat and they all do it for a living they're all professional fighters and if somebody steps to me in a bar i will buy them a drink and wish them well because they're clearly having a worse day

than i am i have a pretty good life and i remember one time getting into something and my wife thinking i was defending my wife and she uh she may have been my girlfriend at the time or just early on in my wife and she told me i feel less safe when you do that and so i want to challenge you given my my life story listen to what jock had to say that maybe if your wife's in an altercation with another woman, the greatest, smartest way you can love her is to grab your wife's hand and get out. That throwing a punch at a woman or defending yourself in front of women or mouthing off at a woman is not the greatest display of honor and integrity and safety. The strongest thing to do is to take your emotions and put them in your back pocket and do the smart, intelligent thing that's going to allow you to wake up the next day

without somebody throwing a bottle and smashing you in the head that you didn't see coming. Or waking up the next day not in jail. Waking up next day with a bunch of people filming what happened and now you're unemployable because you beat up a female. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. So what happened in these situations that you walked away from or you tried to get your wife to settle down to where she feels unsafe? So the first one would have been, she was a couple months pregnant and we were in Nevada visiting some family and she was in the restroom and there was an old lady that was waiting

in line and got impatient and was knocking on the door a bunch. And her and my wife had a brief spat or whatever when my wife was leaving the bathroom. And my mother-in-law was with my wife at the time. And I had been elsewhere checking out the drink cooler, going to get my wife something to drink. Her and the mother-in-law headed straight outside instead of coming over to where I was. So I went out to ask her if she still wanted a drink. And we went back into the store and then the old lady came up and started telling my wife, you know, other people have problems too, and going off about something. And she got

close enough to my wife that it made my wife very uncomfortable. And so my wife got real loud and they were going back and forth. And I was just just like dumbfounded that this was even happening. Like here's my wife having a borderline yelling match with an old lady at a gas station. And so, so Nico, you're the one that got put in an unsafe situation. What about the fact that I didn't defend my pregnant wife?

What in the world is your pregnant wife doing? in a fight with an old woman who may have medical issues, may have mental health issues, may have some deranged son in the car with a gun? Why in the world is this? This is like children. You see what I'm saying? And I felt very much that way at the time. Your feelings were accurate. At the same time. Nope.

Your feelings were right. I took her into that situation. To the gas station? She had headed outside. I took her back in there. Okay. So you messed up. You can get back in the car and be like, whoa, thought we could talk that one out.

Not talking that one out. And then the whole thing's over. We're moving down the road. Okay. Okay? I have asked my wife on occasion, don't get me in a situation that I'm going to get myself killed

because I will. And she is, my wife is as calm as they come and she's like, trust me, if that happens, that would be because you're an idiot, not because of me. Okay.

Your valor and value to your wife is not in confronting old women in gas stations. Okay? Yeah. When we talked about that situation and the other one afterwards, because there was one other one involving a nurse, uh, at the hospital after the baby was born. And again, uh, it was a verbal thing. My wife was really stressed out and the nurse rather than

suggesting things was telling her what to do. And my wife got all heated and ended up telling her, you know, you need to get out of here. I'll have you removed. While this was going on, my wife was getting tense. Rather than telling the nurse to go, I was telling my wife, you need to calm down. You need to take some deep breaths, keep your blood pressure down. Okay. And let's back out of that situation for a second. Did y'all just have a new kid? Yeah. You know who thinks rationally in those moments? No humans on the planet.

No one. Yeah. No one. And so, there's got to be some grace on both sides. Confronting a nurse in a hospital is almost never the right move. And telling your wife who just had a baby to quote unquote, calm down.

That's probably pretty dumb. Right? I wouldn't say that. And I regret it. Well, and asking your husband to beat up a nurse in a, that's dumb too. You see what I'm saying?

The whole thing is being able to step back 30 000 foot after an emotional interaction and say whoa that got heated feel like we're having a misunderstanding though john because she never asked me to beat anybody up it was more when i asked her about what she expects okay essentially in these situations she wants me to get in between to be a shield so that she has the option to leave. Instead, I try to put her in the box. I try to control her. And that's where the problem is. I feel safe enough with my wife that I will tell her, you need to calm down versus some strange woman who's getting emotional and I don't know what to do about it. That's the smart move.

Leave. Okay. Okay. We can have the discussions and we can have the disagreements and we can have the fights and the frustrations when we're at home and we're safe and no one's going to hit us over the head with a bottle. But in the heat of the moment, sometimes the best thing to do is I need you to leave. Has she ever grabbed you by the arm and walked you out of a place because you were a hothead?

Probably. Not that I can remember. Did your MMA coach ever do that? Sensei shot me down on more than one occasion. Exactly. It happens. It's a smart move. People who love us and take care of us because sometimes we get heated and emotional in the moment.

Yeah. I think the bigger conversation that y'all need to have is this. When do you not feel safe, Nico? When your wife is standing eye to eye, nose to nose with another adult woman, jawing and yelling and people are back and forth. You can say, honey, that makes me, I've got to get in the middle of that. Please walk away. And she can tell you, I don't feel safe when someone's attacking her.

That's a whole other conversation. That's not happening. And more broadly speaking, whether this is related or not, I don't know, man. But whether it's related or not, your body understands very deeply that when somebody gets aggressive or in your face, particularly somebody who reminds your body of your stepmom. I don't want to paint that as all women, but as someone who reminds your body of your stepmom, the safest thing to do is shut the machine down. Shut it down. Go to neutral.

Back it down. The whole thing. Turn it off. That's the safest bet to get out of the situation. Okay. And your homework over the course of your life, this is an ongoing thing, is to number one, make sure this sweet little girl always knows that mom and dad are in control emotionally and physically. Okay.

That y'all are safe. Okay? We're going to break this cycle with this young one. And see, I'm, I'm really glad you said that because there is an incident that was different than that. Um, my wife had a son from a previous relationship who I have since adopted. I mean, that is, he's my boy, but there was an instant, one instant with a man and it basically involved my son and his son were at a park and the other guy's kid was being a jerk to my kid. My kid said, stop. The kid didn't stop. And, uh, my wife who at the time was my girlfriend, like we'd been dating a

couple of days, um, went to talk to the other kid and the dad got up in my wife's face and started yelling at her and at the time like I said girlfriend of a couple days and I see a dude bigger than me yelling at a woman smaller than me and I had no issue getting between them and telling him he needed to get the hell back and but do you see the difference there yeah it, it was a man. No, no, no, no. Has nothing to do with the gender. I mean, maybe it does. But one of those situations or two of those situations was escalated by your wife. She could have got out of the bathroom with an elderly woman and said, hey, I'm sorry. You're an older lady.

I'm sorry. I had to go. You clearly have to go to. I'm sorry. Just walk away. Go home. That's different than a big man coming at your wife in the park in attack mode.

That's a totally different proposition. And in your body, it's starting to conflate aggression and frustration and all of it just gets wound up Yes, I would do the same thing if someone's coming after my wife i'm going to get between them there's no question about that And if my wife just needs to if we can just walk out the door get in the car I'm going to walk out the door and get in the car And it's not because i'm a wimp and it's not because it's because I'm smart and I

have honor that woven into my relationship. As I was saying a minute ago, you got to, the rest of your life is going to be dedicated to letting this little girl know you're present. You're not going to get on the road. You're not going to run. You're not going to turn to alcohol when being a parent gets hard and make no mistake, Nico, it'll get hard. And when your body begins to seize up on you and freeze on you and shut down on you, you're going to feel it. You're going to feel it and go, we used to not be safe and now we are.

We used to not be safe and now we are. We used to not be safe. Now we are. And we're just going to practice safety. When you don't feel safe, when your wife's dragging you into a fight with an older woman in a gas station, you are right to say,

this is not smart for either of us. Let's not do this. I brought you back inside. I thought we could talk it out. That was stupid of me. I'm sorry. You're a good man, dude. You're a good man.

You've been through hell and back. And you got the scars and strength to prove it. Let's make moving forward about connections. Let's make moving forward about safety. Let's make moving forward about teaching our body that we weren't okay then, but we're okay now. Let's break this generational abuse and alcohol. Let's stop it. It stops with you. I'll walk with you the whole way, my brother. Give me a call anytime. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families.. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and

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Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Let's go to Darby in Buckeye, Arizona. What's up, Darby? Hi, John. Thanks for taking my call. Of course. What's up? I just had some questions about how to talk to my grandkids about their mother choosing drugs and being homeless instead of taking

care of them. Yikes. That's tough. It is tough. Are you grandma? I am, yes. What happened in your daughter's life that made drugs the best solution that she feels like will get her through her day? Things that I can think of, because I've thought about this a lot, is her biological father just kind of really didn't want a whole lot to do with her. More so, just kind of, you know, she would go for a visit, but didn't really do much with her. Y'all divorced? Yes.

Yeah. Yes. Long ago when she was nine months old is when her dad left. Was your pregnancy pretty traumatic, pretty stressful? Oh, very much. Yeah. Very much. And that's the, that's the biggest thing that I can think of.

And then she had gone through some troubles with... I remarried when she was five and we're still married today. And we had a problem with my husband's brother, and he was inappropriately touching her. So we had to go through that whole thing, and she did some counseling. But she's just kind of always... Darby. Always looking. Darby, Darby, Darby.

What? That's not kind of a problem with my husband's brother yeah it was a big deal it was and we we definitely didn't sweep it under the rug i mean we talked about it and we did some counseling but um that's like saying darby that's like saying a bomb went off And we didn't just leave it We like cleaned up some of the glass That type of Ah man

So where's her Where's baby's Dad My granddaughter The oldest one Her dad is in North Dakota Well they're both in North Dakota. Okay. Well, they're both in North Dakota, but my grandson's never met his dad.

He's never been a part of his life. Why not? I've never met him. My daughter had moved to North Dakota when she turned 18. And that's when she met my granddaughter's father. Why'd she move all the way to North Dakota? My oldest daughter lived there. Okay.

And she just wanted to be on her own, sort of on her own. Well, not at my house. So she moved there. And so there was I don't know exactly everything that was going on while she was away and so she had my granddaughter

and then it didn't work out with her my granddaughter's father and she met this guy I have never met him. Didn't know him very long. They got married. She didn't even tell me. And then next thing I know, she left him. She's pregnant and just not doing well. So we went back to North, we drove over to North Dakota and brought her back. We were living in Washington State at the time.

And she had the baby in Washington and lived with us. But yeah, we've never met his dad. So I think it's really important from right now until the rest of your life is is through for you to never say my daughter is choosing drugs over babies it looks like that and for you and me who are not struggling with addiction that that algorithm makes sense on paper. But there is a hurt inside of her and a disconnection and a pain that is so profound that the only thing I'm trying to think of something minuscule,

like a time that my tooth snapped in half and a root canal I had broke and I had two exposed nerves and I couldn't see. It was pain that was in the ball of my foot all the way through my body. And I went in my room and I shut the door and I put my face down and I had like a warm thing on my face and my mouth was swelling up and when my son came I was like get out of my room get out of here I can't I got the pain was so intense volume words anything that's inside her soul and so it's not a matter of her waking up and being like you know what screw those kids i'm getting high it's not how that works i've never in my life met an addict that was like no dude i absolutely hate my kids i love the state of my life right now i would much rather be homeless

than have a warm safe place to stay and be with my kids. I've never met that person ever. So if I'm telling a nine and a six-year-old this, I'm telling little kids this, I'm telling them mommy is really, really sick. That's kind of what I've been telling my granddaughter for the past three years that she hasn't seen her mom. Yes, that's it. Mommy's really sick right now and she loves you very much. But right now, she doesn't love herself and she's just really sick. I wouldn't even say that.

Because listen, part of your, those little kids know that half of them is mom. And so any negativity to those kids is negativity directly into their little souls. Mommy's really, really sick. Where is she now she's in phoenix okay yeah she she went to rehab um in march of 2020 But she got caught with drugs on her possession. So they kicked her out. Very, very common. What kind of drugs is she using? What's her drug of choice?

I'm not exactly sure. She just says pills. Okay, yeah. So it's been kind of a roller coaster a bit for, definitely for the last three years. And I just... Can I ask you a devastating hard question? What was that? Can I ask you like a devastatingly hard question? And I don't mean this to be ugly.

I'm asking this for facts okay instead of saying why is she choosing drugs over her kids why would she choose homelessness over your house what is it about your relationship and her relationship with your husband that is less safe than being on the street? I would love to ask her that question. Would you be able to hear the answer? Of course.

I would definitely hear the answer. Even if it hurt real bad oh yeah okay it's very very common especially if she's into opiates it's very common for her to take multiple rehab stents yeah i understand that opiates work i've been told opiates are um if that you know when someone tells me they're all pilled out, that's usually what it means. They are chemically very similar to love. Okay. And man, that's somebody who's in desperate, desperate need of connection. And it's really, really hard to stay connected to an addict

someone who's struggling with addiction i know that i know that i know it personally it's hard and there's seasons of like i can't be i'm choosing to keep myself safe i'm choosing my boundaries and i'm choosing my relationships um safety. I'm going to create some space. The route I've taken in my life is there will never be a moment that you go to sleep that you don't know that I love you. And when you're ready, I'm ready. Yeah. And I'll hear from her every now and then, mostly I'll hear from her boyfriend's mother, which we got in contact with each other after we discovered that we were there. So let me just say this way, that plan isn't working.

No, but it's the only way I know what's going on with her. Would she meet you for breakfast once a month? No, she won't meet me. We've tried that, and she doesn't show up. She says she's going to, and she doesn't show up. Okay. I saw her one time. I got a hold of her because her number always changes. So what works today will not work the next time.

Of course. And I met her with some, it was right after Thanksgiving. And I met her with some, you know, I told her, hey, I want, I have some Thanksgiving dinner for you. And she was excited. And we met at a park. And, you know, I tell her, you know, I love some Thanksgiving dinner for you. And she was excited and we met at a park. And, you know, I tell her, you know, I love you so much and I'm here for you. Whenever you want to talk, you can call me. We can meet and I'll take you to dinner.

You know, you can't come to the house because I, and I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but I haven't allowed her to see the kids since she left because she's not okay. And I don't want her coming and going out of their life, especially my granddaughter. My grandson, he really, really doesn't remember her a whole lot. Yeah, but his body remember her a whole lot. Yeah, but his body does. His body does.

He's kind of a different kid. He's got a lot of issues. Yes. Yes. Here's the deal. There's so many complex factors here. When we tell somebody who's really struggling, really, really struggling, let's say that your daughter's throwing up, she's barfing everywhere.

And she finally comes and y'all meet at the foot of her bed and you say, hey, you're only allowed in here when you're through barfing. So you stay in here, don't come out, and when you're done barfing, I'll be ready for you. I'm going to close the door. It keeps barf off of everything. It does. But it makes the work of relational reconnection her problem. The person who's sick makes it their problem. And maybe it's not safe for you to crawl into bed with her, but maybe, again, everything you've tried so far is not working. What if you just decided once a month or once every two weeks,

I'm driving over to the local IHOP and I'm just going to sit there. I'm going to text her and let her know, hey, I'm here for our breakfast, 7.30, and go ahead and take a book and some work because she's probably not going to show. And then show up the next week. And then show up the next week. And then show up the week after that. And maybe you're just going to get

a whole bunch of work done and get some books read. That'd be cool. Maybe one time she shows up and you're not going to be there with your advice and your lectures. She's got enough shame. She knows. She knows. There's not a thing you're going to say and she's going to go, ah, I didn't know that. But Lego piece by Lego piece, maybe her body begins to feel safe. And maybe Darby, none of this works. I don't know. I got a daughter and I just know I would storm the gates of hell for that little girl. I also know loving somebody who's struggling with addiction is a nightmare.

I know that. So I'm going to keep showing up. I'm going to keep myself safe. Keep myself in my boundaries. I'm going to keep showing up. I'm going to keep showing up. Not with my lectures, not with my advice, but with pancakes. And an open heart.

And maybe, maybe she'll come too. She's not choosing drugs over her kids. She's trying to stay alive the only broken, crooked way she knows how. And until she learns another way, it's going to be a long cycle. If you can bridge that gap, it's worth a shot. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. All right, we are back. Let's go out to Memphis, Tennessee, right down the road from me and talk to Lexi. What's up, Lexi? Hi, Dr. John. How are you today? I'm partying. What's up? Oh, man. I'm really excited to talk to you. I'm one of the original 17 who's been listening since episode one. Yes. Way to go. I'm so happy that you are still with us. I think we're down to 12,

but I'm glad you're still here. Yeah. Well, I'm super excited to be here. I have hopefully a little bit chill question for you today. This episode desperately needs a chill question. Hey, can you make sure you talk directly into your phone, okay? Okay, yeah, can you hear me now? Perfect, yes. Okay, so my question today is, how can I help support my partner, my husband, who is struggling with ADHD, and also get the support and help that I need to? Are you my wife?

I thought you might say that. No, but- She always threatens to call the show and be like, hey, I love a guy who has a marriage show, but how do I get him to take the trash out? So, yeah, I thought you might say something like that based on, you know, listening for a while. What is ADHD? How does it manifest in your house? What are you tired of? Um, so my husband is awesome. He's creative and fun and a really good dad. Um, but he does tend to be forgetful of things or just easily distracted or overwhelmed. And I know you always say to lead with this, we have a 10-month-old baby.

And so some of the things in the past that I've been able to catch, I can't because I'm also managing a baby. And it's little things that add up to big things. You know, like, hey, you know, we both work full time outside of the home. And we've got a division of these are the things he's in charge of. These are the things I'm in charge of. And some of them he does really great. But then the trash only gets to the curb like once a month. And that's a little thing, you know,

but it does add up over time where I end up feeling like I have to be on like, hey, did this get done? Did this get done? Did this get done? Oh gosh, it's happening. It's happening, I can tell. You know what I'm about to say, right?

Maybe. You are becoming the mother of two. Right, and I don't want that. I desperately don't want that. But you are. You are. Yeah. How do you know he has ADHD?

So he was diagnosed as a kid, and then he had an evaluation as an adult where he was diagnosed. I actually didn't find out he had ADHD until we had been married for more than a year because he forgot. No, he didn't. Yeah, he didn't. No, he didn't. Listen, if you Google ADHD, my picture comes up. We don't forget.

We just think that this time it will be different. Yeah. And honestly, it hasn't been as much of an issue in the past as it is now. And he straight up said, like, I'm struggling with it right now. Right. Correct. Our life is more chaotic. We have a small baby.

Yes. We became homeowners. Our house needs work. Like, I understand why it's squared up now, but I don't want to be a mom of two. I want to be a supportive partner two i want to be a supportive partner that also um doesn't become resentful okay so you know this i'm just going to run through this for the audience grown men myself included with addhd act like children a lot um and the women in our lives become, they act like our moms.

And then when people with ADHD feel controlled, they have one response and that's explode. They lash out or they run away, right? Like a child does, right? And no mom wants to sleep with her son and vice versa. So you get in this weird trap of the only thing that helps ADHD is connection. And the only thing that begins to slowly, nobody wants to sleep with a guy. I didn't know what time it is or, Hey, let's have sex at eight o'clock tonight. And it's eight 45 and he's just getting into the shower, like whatever, right? You, you know, that whole loop. Um,

and what's, what's my joke? Like I will get in the shower at seven 58 and, um, for an eight o'clock meeting that is 30 minutes away from my house. And I'll get out of the shower at eight 15 and be pissed that I'm late. Like, like it just happened. Right. Oh, geez. Um, okay. So a couple of, for, for just the general audience, poor self-regulation, extra sensitivity to environment, to psychology, to nutrition, these kinds of things. Time, my wife calls it my magic time. Just magic time.

Just like, oh yeah, I'll get those, the trash and I'll get in a second. And a second is, it's about a 30 day buffer of the second, right? It's between now and October. It'll get done. And here's the other thing that's annoying. It usually gets done just not in the picture that the, you, you guys, you guys agreed on, right? The, uh, the, the handicap parking spot, it's just a second. I'll just pull right in there. It's just a second. Like the, the rules apply to everybody except for me, right?

Yeah, sometimes. Okay. Exactly. They apply to everybody but me except when they apply to me. All right. Here's the path forward. And let me tell you this. The encouragement side is on the other side of this.

I've made some extraordinary headway. No medication. I've made some extraordinary headway headway no medication just i've made some extraordinary headway okay are you ready for what i'm gonna say i am you're not gonna like it i know the first thing and most important thing is your husband has to want to change yeah he has to want this to be different, not because you're nagging him, but he wants to have to, he has to choose a more peaceful life. And for somebody, an adult with ADHD, especially a successful adult with ADHD, it feels like you're giving up your superpower. It feels like if I'm not always a little bit late, a little bit by the seat of my pants, a little bit overprepared, I don't have that adrenaline push and it feels like I'm not my best self.

And that's a lie. It's not true. But I have to feel like I'm letting, I'm setting the sword down a little bit. And that's scary. Yeah. And he's expressed that like it's becoming frustrating to him. There we go. Okay, that's it He's looking for resources

He told me he was like I was listening to this book about managing your adhd as an adult and the first thing they said was Pay attention and it made me want to throw the book Listen, there's only one book to read. That's it one book and it's by gabor mate mate and the book is called scattered That's it That's it. That's a book you'll need to read together. It's a very hard book to read because he traces ADHD all the way back to maternal stress. Yeah, and that honestly would make sense here.

ADHD is a learned response, a body's response to chaos. And yes, there may be some genetic components. There may be some X and Ys and Zs, but it is a body's learned response to chaos. Dr. Mottay does a great job. He expresses attention like a traffic cop at a busy intersection. And the cars are coming. The cars are coming. And in a person with ADHD, the cars are all driving the same speed it's just that the traffic cop is asleep on the grass and you gotta get you gotta decide i'm gonna

wake this person up to direct traffic otherwise the traffic just gets all the decisions got to be made everything gets piled up and you throw a 10 month on top of that and then normal marriage issues that come from having a 10 month old in the house and a new house and a mortgage and all that. But that traffic cop is like, dude, I'm taking four Xanax. I'm out. Right.

Just going to, I'm going to pass out on the, on the side of the road. Right. So you got to get that book. You can't be his mom. You got to be his wife. Yeah.

And that means you all need to sit down together and choose your battles. Here's what I mean. Sometimes the fact that the dishwasher is filled up and it's not filled up like you would do it, those are two separate things. Sometimes my wife and I pack different suitcases when we travel because the way I pack my suitcase makes my wife want to set her hair on fire just to feel pain, just to feel something. And she does it in such an orderly fashion. It's amazing when she opens it up. I've watched her do it and I've tried to duplicate it and it just, I can't do it. But we both are going to get our bags packed and we're

both going to go to the same vacation, have a great time. And she's learned to open her hands on this. The suitcase is going to look differently. And I've learned I've got to have my bag packed the night before because it makes my wife feel safe. Yeah, that I think is part of the conversation that we need to keep having. Well, it needs to be written down in a very direct conversation because often moms talk to their kids in very circular manners. And so I want the language for you to be not things that annoy you. This is what makes me feel safe. And this is what makes me feel loved. When you are on time, it makes me feel like you see me and you love me. When you are late,

it makes me feel like you are disrespecting me and that your time is more valuable than my time. That was the conversation that changed my life. Yeah. That, that sounds like it would be really helpful. And we've started to have some of those conversations, but they can't be conversations because adhd people experience emotions in a heightened sense and the emotional regulation takes over and it becomes the greatest conversation we've ever had and the sex afterwards is amazing and then i forgot everything we talked about right right yeah you're like crap are you in my house? Yes, I am in your house. So you got to write this down and you'll have to have a needs and wants dinner time. Make it a romantic date.

And then he's going to have to learn to parent himself. What do I mean by that? Here's a couple of things that really impact ADHD in adult people. Chaos in the house. Lots of clutter. Lots of stuff. My wife likes knickknacks and stuff like that She has conceded and she has been really gracious and getting rid of a lot of that stuff And in some ways in some parts of our house, it's almost minimalist other parts. It's pretty chaotic

But in some parts, um, it's very minimalist. It's peaceful And it allows a overstimulated brain to slow down a little bit. Okay. Also eating right and exercise is huge for the adult with ADHD. Huge. I cannot miss a day, period. And my whole team, everybody on the team knows now if they walk by my desk or they come to ask me something and I'm eating a bag of gummy candy, they all just know, oh, well, he's off the wagon. And there's a ripple effect. And so here's the sentence. You've probably heard me say this on the show before.

Here's the sentence that my wife gives me. Here's the sentence I give myself. Don't forget to remember. That's just the gentle sentence she gives me. When I'm, when I am coming away from a pizza buffet and I'm on round three and I've got them piled up really high, she will just gently put her skin on my skin. She'll touch her, my, her hand on my arm and she'll say, don't forget to remember how you're going to feel tomorrow morning. That's it. She doesn't say, oh my gosh, you're getting fatter. Are you seriously going to eat all that? She didn't say any of that because I'm overly sensitive. I feel it really heavy when she says that.

She just simply puts her hand on my arm and says, don't forget how you're going to feel tomorrow. And I always go, oh gosh, I'm going to feel terrible. And now I'm going to set this thing down. See what I'm saying? Yeah, for sure. And I think we've, in the past, we've been better with that. You know, having a new baby has definitely turned things off.

I think one thing relative to that, that I've struggled with is it's very all or nothing. It's either I have to be up at 5 a.m. every day to do my workout or I'm not going to get up any days. Yep. Yep. And as a partner for that, it's a little bit like, okay, what version of you are you this week? I think you are my wife. I think you are, Lexi. Yes.

Yes. And I'll tell you another book that was revolutionary for me. And it is not a mental health book. And I told him to his face. The book Discipline Equals Freedom by Jocko Willink. Okay. The book Discipline Equals Freedom by Jocko Willink It's written in gigantic font Like a military field manual You can read the whole book in an afternoon

But it's very very clear And it was the first book I ever read that basically said You can live a life of misery and chaos forever, or you can begin to flatten out your life a little bit and do the same things over and over again, regardless of how you feel, regardless of how tired you think you are. Discipline is the path. And discipline has such a bad connotation, right? All it means is, I don't care how I feel. I'm just going to get up at the same time every day. I don't care, quote unquote, how I feel. I'm going to do some sort of exercise downstairs, period.

There is not a discussion about this. And again, for me, my wife has conceded on half the garage as a gym. A big, nice gym we spent a lot of money on. Because if I had to get in the car and drive, I missed a lot. Yeah, we're working on getting our home gym set up. Fantastic. Partly for that reason. That is him learning to parent himself.

And every parent has to parent their kid differently because every kid's different. The big thing is you shifting from over him to with him. I'm with you on this. And if you're late and you get fired, I can't, I'm not, I'm not going to tell you, you got to be at work. I'm not going to tell you that, you know, you got to be at work. You're an adult. And those are really, really hard. And being honest with him enough to say, I get really scared when you're late. Cause I think you're going to get fired

and then we're not going to have a house. Yeah, I think that that all makes sense. But it's so hard, I know. It's so hard, I know. No, it is, but it's definitely one of those things where we try really hard, and I think we've done fairly well with this to look at things of the two of us versus a problem instead of us versus each other. And so I think reading these books together and, and, you know,

talking through this is helpful because we had a conversation the other day where I was just like, look, I am realizing that you view the entire world differently than I do. It's not a matter of view. It's a matter of experience. Okay. Like it feels incredibly insulting to me to be in a meeting.

Like I feel it in my body when I'm in a meeting and I got to go because I got another meeting. I feel wrong. It feels wrong to stand up and be like, hey, I got to go. Let's finish this conversation later. I feel terrible. Like it, I can't describe it other than it hurts. It's just like, gosh, what a jerk. So I stay 15 minutes later in the meeting and I want to make sure we have the conversation. I'm honoring you with your time. I'm listening. I'm paying attention. And then we go to the next meeting. I'm 15 minutes late and that person feels completely like I've wasted their day. I've totally ignored them and made them late. See what I'm saying?

So it's not a matter of seeing the world differently. It's a matter of feeling the world differently. Okay. And what I have to feel is when you do this, it hurts my wife. When you do this, the kids feel like this. And I don't want to hurt my wife. I don't want to hurt my kids. And more importantly, now that I've had a taste of what peace feels like, I want that.

And I literally don't see the plastic cups in my car, my coffee mugs in my car when I'm getting out. I don't see them. I'm too busy thinking about something else, like a song I used to sing in front of the mirror when I was in fourth grade. And oh yeah, remember that girl? And I wonder what happened to that girl? Because I thought I was going to marry her. I think she married my friend. You know what my friend did one time? And I'm off to the races. And as I'm getting out of my car, I remember, don't forget to remember how good it feels to get into a clean car. And I stop and then I look and I'm like, I need to get these 14 coffee mugs out of here. And then I bring them up and my wife used to be like,

are you kidding me? You have freaking coffee mugs. And now she goes, thank you for bringing these in. And it short circuits my shame spiral and it short circuits the whole thing. And it just, we can move on. And when I have seasons of bad ADHD, when I'm spinning,

I'm just turning my wheels and I'm carrying a bag of donuts with me everywhere. I don't carry donuts, but I'm over-exaggerating, but there's seasons when she knows. My wife graciously says not, when are you going to get the trash out?

That's not how she approaches me. She does approach me with, hey, some of the signs are pointing to you're not doing okay. How can I love you better right now? And then I usually drop my shoulders and say, I'm really tired or I'm really scared, or I'm not going to hit this book deadline or whatever's coming up. And we have a conversation and we can talk. And that usually resets me. Does that make sense? That makes sense. It does. It definitely does. And I think too, what I'm hearing and what I Does that make sense? these are the ways that, you know, this is impacting me and you're an adult. And so,

you're going to choose different things or you're going to do what you do. And I'm here to support you in making good choices for yourself. And ADHD is a context, not an excuse. And most of the time in my life, ADHD choices are not made in the moment. They're made 30 minutes or an hour or two hours or five hours before. Okay. My cell phone has to stay off and in my bag. Period. Otherwise, I choose to pick it up. And then I choose to scroll forever.

And then I'm choosing to be late. And I didn't choose to be late. I just chose to check my Instagram stuff real quick. Yeah. So the choice to be on time is the choice to keep my bag, my phone in the bag. Yeah. See what I'm saying?

So it's, it's just learning a new context. You said something I want to touch on right before we leave. You said, I know it's not us. We're not fighting each other. We're fighting the problem. I want to change that language with adhd because he

that is part of him and if you end up fighting we're just fighting the adhd whether you say we're going to be on the same side of the table or not you're both fighting him and he's going to start he's going to go to war with himself he's going to declare a civil war on himself and and that's that's what adhd does and nobody wins. I want the whole conversation to change to how do we have a peaceful home? And how do I best love you so that you can best love me? How do I help meet your needs so that you are fully able to help meet my needs?

And that means you're gonna have to be really explicit about what your needs are and you probably have to spend some time with yourself because right now it just feels like, ah, if you just did diapers and just did dinner and just did this, then I would have, ah, that would work for a little bit. It'd feel good for a little bit, but there's going to be something different. I need you to plug in and be a part of this family. What are the things he needs to do to be fully plugged in? Sometimes that means leave the phone in the car. Sometimes that means don't open your laptop when we're talking. Sometimes that means

Saturday mornings are exclusive. There is nothing planned on Saturday mornings because that's when we go on long walks and we talk together. You got to exercise. And in fact, I'm going to do morning time because you've got to get in the gym and exercise because that makes the whole day better. Whatever those things look like, we're going to create a life worth living together. We're going to create an amazing life with the ADHD, not in spite of it. And I'll say, I think it's my superpower. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I wish I'd learned to manage it a lot better earlier, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Thank you so much for the call, Alexi. He's lucky to have you. Lucky to have you. Have fun on the adventure. Call me anytime. We'll be right back.

Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond

to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, man, that was a heavy one and some of those calls took a long time. Thanks for hanging with us and for being a part of this show.

If you've made it this far, shout out to the one and only lives right down the road here. The great T Swift, the great T Swift. And if you're like, Oh my gosh, you seriously doing tip? Yep.

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should probably go see somebody. Call BetterHelp. Hey, this is The Doloney Show. We'll talk to you soon.