The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do I Protect My Kids From My Mentally Unstable Ex-Wife?

Episode Date: July 2, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·       A man struggling with the guilt of keeping his kids away from their mother ·       A husband hoping to pick up his hobbies again after his wife’s surgery ·       A man trying to decide if he should call off his engagement Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.   Get 25% off your order at Thorne.    Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Big news! New dates for money and marriage getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend 2026. Get tickets at ramsysolutions.com events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee. My ex-wife was found wandering the highway during rush hour traffic in a state of confusion. She is currently unable to safely care for herself and requires 24-hour care and that's where we are right now. What's going on? What's going on?

What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney Show. So glad that you're with us. Talking about your kids, your marriage, your dating relationships. What in the world are you supposed to do next? In a world that feels like it is falling apart. How do we keep singing? Even if it's just a couple of us huddled around a campfire.

That's what we're doing here, man. Pull up a stool, pull up a seat, pull up a log and we'll figure out What's the next right move? Whatever you got going on go to John Deloney D-E-L-O-N-Y JohnDeloney.com ASK And we'll get you on the show. Let's go out to Boston to a Harvard bar and talk to Tim. What's up, Tim? Let's go out to Boston to a Harvard bar and talk to Tim. What's up, Tim? Hello, how you doing? I'm doing good man. What's up with you, brother? Um, I Been calling a show to ask you

How do I cope with the guilt of having to limit my children's access? to their mother for their safety and What can I do to support them emotionally through this difficult time? What happened, man? My ex-wife was found wandering the highway during rush hour traffic in a state of confusion about a month ago and she's been in hospitals and treatment facilities since then and my current understanding the situation is she is currently unable to safely care for herself and requires 24-hour care and That's where we are right now care and that's where we are right now. So you asked how to cope with the guilt.

Tell me what you're feeling man. Like, I don't know, like I lost my father I guess a couple years ago and it feels to me that like the kids have lost like the mother they knew right and Like she's not She she is just a shell of herself right now and How do I help the kid go through that or if I maybe I'm just feeling? That way yeah, those of how I lost my father.

It's like she's gone, but she's not. Yeah. And never want to minimize somebody who loses a loved one like to someone who dies, right? Obviously that's catastrophic. Sitting with people over the last two decades, I almost sense the loss is different, but in a strange way it's more, I don't want to say painful, but there's a different kind, it's a different depth to the hurt because they're still there, but they're not. Right?

And so you're trying to grieve somebody that's still walking around or still breathing, if you will, and there's not a period at the end of the sentence. It's like a dot, dot, dot, right? It's ellipsis and it's really tough. So are your kids asking questions? They're kind of sticking their head in the sand and they haven't, I've tried to ask them if they want to talk about it. Most of the time is no.

How old are they? One is 13 and one 16. Okay. Yeah, they're old enough that I would recommend not asking them. Okay. Because they're going to also move like, let me back up. When did youall get divorced? About six years ago.

Okay. Have they been visiting her? Was this psychiatric, was this not psychiatric, this psychotic break, was it pretty acute or has she been struggling with mental health challenges forever? She's been struggling with mental health challenges since my son was born 13 years ago.

So I would say probably she's been more or less stable for like the last seven years. Okay. Let's back all the way up. Y'all got divorced six years ago, which would have put one kid at seven, would have put one kid at seven, would have put one kid at ten.

Yes. Before that, there would have been two or three years or four years of escalating tension in your house. Fair? Yes. Very fair. Okay. So my guess is your kids developed some sort of safety mechanisms,

ways to keep themselves safe and possibly even ways to keep you safe. And that's heartbreaking, but that's what kids do. And I'm wondering if this many years later, they know there's just some things that is just not good to talk about with that and that's not an indictment of you that's just an is and so when you say hey do you guys want to talk about something they may say those feelings

are too big and we can't hold them we're just we're still we're teenagers but we're still kids and we don't want to do that to you, dad. Or we saw how hard it was when you lost your debt. Like we just want, let's just keep the water calm. And so often a great gift a parent can give their kids is to let the kids see how hard this is for you. Give them permission, not verbally, but experientially, that dad's heart is broken too. That I'm sad, that I'm going through another grief just after my dad died.

And that goes counter to everything we're taught as men, which is the greatest gift we could give our kids is like, just be a pillar of concrete, just be strong. And what ends up happening is the kids feel crazy because they miss their mom or they miss marriage or they miss the fantasy that one day, even though it's been six years, mom and dad will get back together.

And so there may be a moment where you say, hey kids, like I need y'all to come sit around the table. And maybe I'll never sit around the table in your house. That's cool. But you sit around the table and you say, I've really been struggling with your mom being so sick. And I'm sad. And I just want to say it out loud that I'm really sad.

And give them a picture of what it looks like to say things like that out loud. Maybe it's, hey, I want you guys to write a letter to your mom and she may not be able to read it right now, but I want you all to read it out loud. That's your homework assignment. And after you do that, I'll take us out for ice cream. But I want you all to write a letter to mom, whether you miss her, whether you're mad, whether you're sad, whether you're frustrated

and give them a homework assignment that they have to do a thing in front of you. And they'll go, yeah, so dumb. And one kid may write one sentence and one may write, everything's so wonderful, hope you're doing good. And like, it may be totally divorced from what you're experiencing. But what you're doing good. It may be totally divorced from what you're experiencing, but what you're doing is you're just giving them

a glimpse that I'm your dad and I can hold it with you. I think that makes sense, yeah. How does that sound? Does that scare you? Does it frustrate you? Are you like, that's just stupid? Like talk to me. I mean, I guess it's just, I guess it's scary. Tell me more about that.

I'm really good at making sure... Hey, real quick Tim, your phone's breaking up real bad. All right. There we go. There it is. Now you're back. I guess I'm really good at making sure my kids get the things they need. So like, you know, if they need something for school, they need to get somewhere, I am really good at that. I'm not so good at like talking about like how they're feeling and stuff.

Okay. So talk about how you're feeling. Okay. And I love, dude, I love that your heart is, you wanna give them what they need. And I guess what I would tell you now is what they need, not more than anything, cause they need food and shelter and oxygen, right? They need that stuff.

A great gift to them would be you saying, I have all of these bananas, crazy madhouse feelings in my chest and I don't even know how to say them out loud. And they may get really tense and look at you like with laser beam eyes, but dude, you are giving them permission, a permission they don't even know they need. Because I'll tell you on the back end,

like I worked with 18 to 25 year olds for 20 plus years, okay? Their house blew up, their mom is very, very sick, their mom is alive and had a psychiatric break, so there's a human being that is their mother that is not their mother anymore They have a dad who loves them but is also been through hell after the divorce and before the divorce like

There they have that stuff piled up inside of them. It will come out period in this story, I promise you or They'll come up with some very sophisticated ways to keep it from coming out. Like drinking. Like alcohol. Like trying to get a gold star and a gold star and a gold star. Or trying to just disappear and run from it. But it will come out. And so you, while they're still in your home, you giving them a picture of, here's your big tough dad. Like dude, they know you love them. They know that.

But you giving them a picture, guys, I don't even know what to say right now. I don't have the words to say that I'm just sad again. I'm heartbroken again. Man, dude, I'm talking, I mean, that's like change your family tree kind of stuff and it's not a one-shot It's a it's an over time conversation and maybe you say I'll write a letter to and we're all gonna read them to each other Dad, come on, man. I want to go I know but we're doing this we're doing this thing Yeah, I can do that. And maybe you tell them, I'm going to give this letter, we're going to keep these letters

in a box. And one day, if mom gets well, when mom gets well, if mom gets well, we'll be able to give them to her and she'll be able to get a glimpse into what life was like while she was getting better. Yeah, I can do that. to get a glimpse into what life was like while she was getting better. Yeah, I can do that. And maybe hearing them say, hearing you say, she's not my wife anymore, but she gave me the two greatest things in the whole wide world, you two.

I still want the best for her. I still want her to be okay. And I'm sad too. And here's the thing. You don't get this thing right. You won't say all the right things. You won't express all the right things. And that in and of itself is the most important lesson. That it's not how you do this, it's that you do this. You're getting real quiet on me, what are you thinking? I feel that they're hurting and I feel helpless, I guess. Okay. Yeah. Then let's don't ask them to, let's just be the dad and run straight into their hurt.

Because if they were, if they were bleeding, you'd run straight into that. If there's a broken arm, you'd run straight into that. If somebody in the yard was trying to hurt your kid, you'd run straight into that. Their hurt is just inside their chest. Run straight into it. And even if you run in saying, I don't know what to do, they'll have the permission to finally drop their shoulders. And I think you're onto something. I think you're reliving this with your dad.

And maybe you write a letter to your dad and read that to your boys. Dear dad, I miss you. Dear dad, you left too early. I'm both mad at you and I miss you and I need you right now. And give them a picture of what that looks like. But we're just teaching them that it's okay

to be a man that provides, that takes care of, and that also has feelings too. We're gonna feel these things and then we're gonna go do the next right thing. And maybe the next right thing is let's go get ice cream Maybe the next right thing is we're gonna all go fishing. I don't know what y'all do together Get some Red Sox tickets in Boo Alex Bredman what Bregman while you're there cuz he left the Astros. I don't know what you do But I think you head directly into it. Thanks for the call my brother

We come back a man wonders how to focus on his own happiness while supporting his wife's recovery. All right don't skip this one. I want to talk to you about my friends at Delete Me. Does anyone else feel like your digital footprint is starting to feel more like a digital trail leading right back to you and your family? Right now scammers are using phishing attacks. That's phishing with a pH, where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you. You get an email, a text, or a phone call,

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How's it going, Dr. John? Doing alright, brother. What's up in your world, man? What's up in your world, man? Well, so I kind of want to clarify my question for you. I don't even know what it is, so let it rip. The team has it. Sure. So, how do I start protecting the space that I need for my hobbies and interests without sacrificing my intentionality and my quality time with my wife who is my newlywed who just underwent brain

surgery. That's a lot dude. That's kind of the short of it. I don't smoke but I kind of want to have a cigarette with you right now. That's a lot going on. What happened? I don't smoke. I don't smoke either, but I've been considering starting. What happened? Well, so I met my wife in December of 2023 and about eight months into our relationship we found out that she had a brain tumor which was kind of like a crazy situation for us to be in because

I was like whoa you know like you're my girlfriend but that's kind of a lot and you know I'm gonna need to like walk through this with you and just that situation ended up being the catalyst of our relationship really taking off. So we ended up getting married about 14 months into our relationship before before surgery or after before 10 months before. And so she just had her surgery at the beginning of April and everything went really, really well. And so now we're kind of in this situation now where it's like, okay, well we have the whole rest of our lives to, you know, like focus on marital wise because it was kind of like everything built up to

this surgery that we had been expecting to happen for so long. And then it happened and she got, she got better and was like nearly fully recovered really, really, really quickly, um, which was just like amazing and a miracle. Um, like I guess in the process of that, our quality time together became everything and every hobby and every interest that I had during the early months of our relationship and in the month leading up to her surgery, and now for about the last month post-surgery, I've just realized like, I don't really do the things that I used to enjoy doing anymore. Yeah, I mean, like, look, dude, you came up for air.

Yeah. You've been trying to keep somebody alive. Yeah, like, is she mad at you or are you feeling weird? Like I. No, it's more that I'm feeling weird. In fact, she like is kind of, she kind of urges me to make sure that like I kind of stop neglecting my desire to do the things that, you know, like made me me before our relationship. When we have those conversations,

I'm like, yeah, you're right. I do still want to do those things. But it's almost like when she urges me to do that, it makes me want to do it less because it's like, oh, well, you care about me so much and I love you, and I just want to keep spending as much time with you as possible. And she enjoys that. It's not like I'm smothering her with, you know, our quality time, but it's just like, I feel like if I don't create a rhythm in our relationship where it's like,

okay, well, you know, it's Saturday morning, which means I go play nine holes of golf. Um, you know, if I, if I don't start creating like a culture where that's normal for me, that it could lead to like me looking back on these prime years of my life with regret. Like, oh, I didn't do enough of this that I really enjoyed doing, or I haven't gone hiking or golfing or gotten together with my buddies

and jammed for 20 years, and now look, I'm in my 50s and- How old are you right now? Can't really do anything. 29. Okay. I did not start having what I would consider like atomic fun until I was in my forties. Okay. And I know that sounds bananas, but I spent most of my twenties, like I'd watched the

fights with my buddies and we all got together every Monday night. But most of the time I was at work and in grad school Sure all the time all the time all the time and that laid a foundation I didn't even know I was laying for the life. I live right now And with AI coming with what I think is gonna be some workforce shocks coming I am now consciously trying to think through and build a new foundation for what living in my 50s and 60s and 70s will look like. Okay.

And so what I would tell you is you are putting way, way too much pressure on this moment right now. Okay. I don't know if this story will ring true with you, you but my buddy John one of my best buddies in the world he had his first daughter Elise and We got together every night. I mean every Monday night for years and then Elise came along And then literally overnight he quit hanging out with us Yeah, and his wife Jennifer's one of my I consider one of my closest friends in the world, she, me and a couple other buddies were like,

man, she's kind of the worst. Like she had a kid and he can't even hang out one night. Right? And that went on one year, went on two years. And then a couple of years later, I had my first kid. And the last thing I wanted to do was go hang out with a bunch of idiots on Monday night. I wanted to sit my couch and hold that kid and I remember John and I were having a drink one night And I was like hey, why didn't you tell me that you weren't not hanging out with us your wife was awesome the whole time and

Why didn't you tell us that like you didn't want to hang out with us So you want to sit on the couch and just hold this lump of a human and he smiled I'll never forget this he smiled real big and said, you wouldn't have understood until you held your own yourself. And so what I think you're experiencing is you love somebody and y'all got to dangle over the edge. Like things got into focus for you that most people don't get into focus

until their 50s or 60s or 70s or until they lose a parent or until you know a kid gets real sick or something. You all got to do that while you're dating while you're engaged and at the very beginning of your marriage. And so really quickly you got like a filter for crap that matters and crap that doesn't. Yeah. And you got a unexpected reordering of what you actually quote unquote like to do. It's like telling somebody in your 20s, hey, if you get married right now as a 25 year old, the best sex you will have is in your 40s, in your 50s.

And they're like, gross, no. And you just, you just like, all right, just when you get there, just holler back at me. And similarly, like telling you like, telling your 25 year old self, you're going to want to sit on the couch and just watch old Brooklyn Nine-Nine reruns with this girl that you just married more than you want to play golf. And you're going to be like, okay, whatever, dude. And then here it is. Does that make sense?

Yeah, I know it makes perfect sense. So give yourself permission just to smile. You know what I'm doing tomorrow? What's that? I have no idea. I don't know. I may go fishing. I may go mow real quick

because I'm going to be on the road again next week. I may hang out with my wife. I may just my daughter's into this thing She calls yard fight which sounds like a YouTube channel But she's like dad yard fight now and we turn the sprinklers on and we get on the front yard and we wrestle And I'm sure people are recording that on their phones like whatever like I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow because I'm gonna see what's the best way I can love my wife tomorrow And what's the funnest opportunities we got and what's something I may want to do and we'll figure that out this evening

Yeah, that sounds that sounds beautiful My buddy Ben right here. He's running the board. We're we're in a band together and we're gonna start jamming in a few weeks Okay, right, and I still love playing music I still have playing music. I still have way too many guitars for a guy that doesn't play as many shows as I would like to. And a couple times a year we get together and we rock out and it's so fun. Yeah. So I'm interested in the pressure you're putting on yourself. What do you like you've almost taken yourself to 55 and looked back Yeah

Yeah, I have Well, who's telling I don't know missed a big part of their life or the quote-unquote best years of my life It's well, no, nobody is telling me that I think that Like what okay, so everything you just said resonates a lot with me and like the, the story that you told about your friend is very relevant to my life. I got married and there are friends that I had the day before I got married that like I you know got married one day and like have

hardly kind of almost spoken to anybody and you know I can definitely probably tell that on their end they think like oh you know like he used to be you know like in regular communication with us and would hang out all the time and do this and do that and we don't know if we're ever gonna see him again. And by the way, you will, you will. I know I will, but like at the same time, I like almost like in a weird way, like don't care. Yes, yes.

And y'all will get, somebody will say, hey, I miss everybody, let's all get together. The other night I did an event in Fort Worth and a lot of my buddies drove up from, one of my buddies, Christian, I haven't seen him in 20 years and dude, we all got it, we were in my hotel room and we all sat around and we all took food and stuff up from the bar downstairs and we laughed

until one of the morning. Everybody brought their wives up, it's different. We told old stories, I mean, it was like, we just fell right into place. And so it was awesome, but it's but it is different and if we hung out every week They would be sick of me in about a month. I would be like alright guys. I gotta go home I just I just it's you're experiencing the natural change of life Sure, and here's the deal

Some of my closest like I hung out with them every day all the time And then I got married and then we hung out last, I hung out with him every day all the time and then I got married and then we hung out less and then we hung out less and I still love him. I still text him every once in a while. We call each other, we see each other once every few years. It's awesome, I love having him in my life but my relationships have changed

and it's cool to just be kind of bummed out about that. Yeah. It's seasons, man. Yeah, for sure. I'm just proud of you, like, as just a, like just guy to guy. Like that's a, that's a Herculean task to walk with your fiance, girlfriend, fiance, and then wife through brain surgery, man. And say, however this comes out, I'm gonna be right here.

We don't have that picture of love much. We have a picture of it doesn't feel good. And you're like, no, no, no, I'm gonna be right here. That's amazing man. Yeah thank you. Oh I am interested and this is just a question for you guys to explore later on okay. I am interested in, and I say this all loving with a smile on my face. Maybe your wife would like some alone time and she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. And so she's like, hey, why don't you go play with your friends? Why don't you go play golf?

And so maybe asking the question and this is like, okay, now we have, we already, y'all already have marriage 2.0 because you got married and then you went into brain surgery. And then she came out and then she's well. And now y'all are looking at like, oh dude, we made it. Like we're in this, right or die. Y'all are already in marriage 2.0. Maybe taking her out and saying, all right, we're in marriage 2.0,

we get to do whatever we want to do with this marriage. Question number one, how can I best love you when it comes to free time? I've been all over everything and give her permission to say, man, Saturday mornings, I just like waking up with coffee and I get quiet listening to my old tunes. I would love just to have three or four hours. I love you, I love you, I love you.

And maybe she doesn't have permission in her own heart and mind to say, I love you and I want some private time. And you may go, oh boo, I'd rather hang out with you. And you might have to call the guys back and be like, you guys want to go fishing? Because it's your second alternative. But it's just rebuilding this. How do we tell each other what we want

in this particular season that we're in? I think it's amazing. But dude, I think you're in the right place at the right time. Season that we're in I think it's amazing, but dude. I think you're in the right place at the right time Don't already get to 55 and look back and try to reverse engineer how you're gonna feel when you're 50 That's tough. Just do the next right thing and for you that right now The next right thing is I just like hanging out with you So I'm gonna do that the next right thing might be I'm gonna go fishing with the guys and you know what?

You're probably gonna have fun with him, too. It's awesome Just be where your feet are right now. Good call my brother. We come back a man wonders if he should end his engagement over being her second choice. Hey it's Deloney for Organifi. I talk to people every day who feel overwhelmed and I don't just mean emotionally. They're physically and mentally worn out. They're anxious, not sleeping well. They feel foggy and disconnected.

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with my friends at Organifi. Go to organifi.com slash deloney and use code deloney to save 20% off. That's 20% off everything with code deloney at o-r-g-a-n-i-f-i organifi.com slash deloney. All right, Los Angeles, California. Let's talk to Tony, Tony, Tony. What's up, Tony? Hey, dog. How's it going? Good, man. How about you?

Living the dream. Well, sort of. Anytime somebody says that, it's like, everything's falling apart. What's up, man? I mean, not much. I was giving you a call. You know, I've been, I've been tuning into your show for quite a bit now and I really liked the advice you give. I listened to a lot of your videos looking for, you know, just a lot of things that have helped me in my life

that I've implemented and have been great from, uh, from your advice. And you know, recently about a year ago, almost a year now, I decided to propose to my fiance. Yeah. And, um, I've known her since high school. We went to high school together about 10 years back or so. Um, and I've, I've managed, she's been my crush since then, since the day that I met her, I constantly tell her, you know, I try to hit on her since all four years, basically. Um after, it never really quite panned out. And then out of nowhere last year, I just out of the blue decided to text her on Instagram. And we just connected, we clicked

and things just went great. I was living in Kentucky at the time and I decided to move back to California both for family reasons and to be closer to her. And that's when I popped the question in February this year, oh, sorry, September of last year. And then finally got her family's permission this February. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is this whole time

that we've known each other, I've always wanted something with her, but I've never, you know, it felt like I was just never the right guy for her up until now. And I'm having a really tough time feeling like she's, you know, like I'm her second or third choice. Really? Um, we've had the conversation of our past relationships, um, of what we want out of this relationship and all of that stuff. And a lot of that's prompted by conversations

that you've had with other callers. But I've also heard you say that if you can't get over, you know, those pictures of her being with somebody else in your mind, you have to let her go. When can I make the choice of I can't get over this or how can I figure out if I I can't get over this or if I, or how can I figure out if I can't even get over that? I mean, you can, the choice is do you want to?

Anybody can. God, you know, Jonah. Anybody can. Right. It's you just have to decide, do I want this? And I think there's an important reframe here. You say like, I wasn't the guy for her. You're looking at all of this from like a one-down position. I instantly when

you're telling me the story the note I just wrote down was no no no no she wasn't the right girl for you yet. She had to go explore and figure out who she was, what she thought that she wanted, maybe what her mom was always telling her what she needed and then she had to go like Alright mom and or her friends or her community or her abuela who knows? But she went through these Adventures she went through these dark nights of the soul and she came out to the side she she picked you

And so she wasn't ready And so she wasn't ready. Oh jeez, I never thought of that. And by the way, you weren't ready either. I don't know, 100%. Yeah, no, she even told me. The reason why she never actually gave me a chance, I was not only talking to her at the time. Of course. Yeah. I was not only talking to her at the time. And you know, it's true.

Yeah, and so here's the deal. You probably heard me say this a lot. Bro, you're not confident in you. Where does that come from, man? Oh dude. This is crazy. I think this has nothing to do with her. I think it has everything to do with you.

No, a hundred percent. I was in therapy for a bit. I had to get out because financial situations, the whole move back took a lot of financial strain on me. So I'm working to get back on therapy. No, you're already circling it around. You're already circling it around. Come straight through it with me.

So far we've been landing on that. No, no, no, not we why don't you like Tony? Sounds a little bit silly when I said out loud but say it man. I'm not judging that Well, you know what that laughs I was kid. Yeah. And ever since then, I've been looking for someone. Well, I've never felt like that was good enough for anybody to like Tony. Of course. You know why? Why? Why?

Why? Because the man that made me didn't love me enough. Damn right. And can I say something else? That's on him, not you. Your old man left because something was going on with him, not you. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no.

You didn't hear it. Your dad left because something was going on inside of him, not because of you. And here's what I'm telling you right now. I don't like going to work some days because I want to hang out with my 15 year old son and I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about that. I like the young man he's becoming. I like him. I don't like to go to work some days because I like wrestling with my nine year old little

girl and listening to whatever crazy story she's coming up with. And I'm not special. I'm just a dad who loves his kids. But your old man bounced because of him, not you. Yeah. Um, I guess I just never thought this could have anything to do with my relationship. You know, I mean, yes, because here's why. Here's the problem, Tony.

You got it. You got the thing you have been fantasizing over for a decade. And what you're realizing is it didn't fill that hole in the center of your chest. Because you're still a little nine-year-old little boy asking dad what is so bad about me that you left? Oh geez does that apply to everything else? Is that why I'm not happy with my job? Okay I didn't hear what you said what? Does that apply to everything else? Of course that's why you move jobs, that's why you move across the country and the

moment you move back to California you already had your eyes on something else, right? Yep. Yes. I'm always looking for the next thing, the next. You're trying to get something from out there to fill up what's in here. And at some point you're going to have to sit down and sit down and like, like crisscross applesauce and face that nine-year-old little you, the four-year-old little you. And you could do this in your mind. I've had grown men sit on the floor

so they can get the eyeline that they had when they were six when their dad left. I've had grown men sit on the floor and write a letter to talk out loud, but you're gonna have to address that six-year-old little boy and let that homie go play. Because he's still sitting in the driveway saying, daddy come back I'll do better next time. Exhale real quick. When did your dad leave? You know, it was four. Okay.

Close your eyes right now where you're sitting. Picture you at four. Were you a chubby little kid? Were you a skinny little kid? What were you at four? I was a scrawny little kid. All right, scrawny little kid. Picture him at the very edge of the driveway

of your childhood house. What kind of car did old man drive? Picture him at the very edge of the driveway of your childhood house. Mm-hmm. What kind of car did old man drive? Um, old white Lexus ES. Okay. Picture the brake lights coming on that car at the end of the street as he's turning right off that block. Mm-hmm. And picture yourself yelling while you're holding a little teddy bear or a baseball

mitt. Dad, where are you going? And then from the front porch, I want you to see that little boy and I want you to see his shoulders drop and I want you to see his head drop. Man, that hurts. I know. But that's where the pain is, brother. How do I even begin to address that?

You write that little boy a letter tonight, not on an app and not on a text message, but you write, get out a piece of paper and write him a letter. Dads don't leave boys. And dad was sick, dad was troubled, dad had his own demons. Because that's the only reason dads leave their boys. And then you tell that little toner, I love you. And how old are you now, brother? 26. You tell him 22 years from now,

you're not going to believe this, but we're going to be stronger. We're going to have found an amazing woman that's going to spend the rest of her life with us. We moved back to California because we just didn't like keeping all of our paycheck. We wanted to give some more to the government. So we moved back to California. We didn't like paying half for our home in Kentucky, so we decided to double our house

payment, whatever. Oh, geez. Here's the thing. You're going to let that four-year year old little boy whose heart is just exploded in his chest, you're gonna let him know, you don't see it yet. Four year old Tony, but I grow up bigger and stronger and I'm okay. We made it. We did okay.

Yeah, we did. We did. And we got a long way to go, right? Yeah. Okay. Still got a long way to go, right? Yeah. Okay. Still got a long way to go. This woman that you're going to marry is not going to heal you. She didn't sign up for that, but she did sign up to walk with you.

Yeah. Yeah, she's a saint. Your job, your job's not going to heal you. But your job will provide to heal you. But your job will provide money for you to build the life you want to build. And hopefully it's a life that has peace in it and has joy in it and has few demons as possible in it so that when you have a little boy, you know I'm never going to leave that boy. Yeah. Right?

Yeah, 100%. But when you get itchy, and what I mean by that, you know what I mean by that, people who don't, don't, are always looking over the, over the line don't understand that line, but you know what I mean when you get itchy. Yeah. Yeah. When you start wanting to apply for a job, when you start wanting to like look at another house, you start like scrolling Instagram to be like, I think I want to get a zero down rental property because I want to be a, just, right? Right?

Yeah. Yup. I flip cards. Of course you do. Yeah, I'm looking for the next card now. Of course you are. You're probably scrolling on it right now while you're talking to me.

This is- The Facebook market. This is, all of that is a drug. Trying to make that little boy feel better. Maybe if I make this much money, maybe if I get this girl, maybe if I get a house that looks like this, then at some point my dad will call. He's never gonna call, brother. Yeah.

He won't call that call. I'm proud of you. That call, dude, I failed you. That call's never gonna come. And that should break your heart. It should break the heart of every young man, every old man, every boy, every man I know is desperate for his old man to call him.

Not text him, call him and say, hey, I don't tell you this enough. I'm so proud of you. Call is not gonna come. And so masculinity in the 21st century is a bunch of men desperate for their old man's like approval that it's not gonna come. And then what do we have to do? We have to go do the next right thing and begin to say,

okay, where do I find value and worth? And it comes from me inside out. I'm a good man because I do the next right thing. When a picture of your future wife, your fiance, pops in your head of her with some other guy you went to high school with, you have a choice in that moment. Am I gonna meditate on this?

Am I just gonna focus on it? Am I gonna be that little boy at the front of the driveway just thinking about it? Nope. Nope. I'm going to have a picture in my mind all ready to go. And when that picture zaps in my mind of her holding hands with somebody, I'm going to go, Nope. And I'm going to think of that picture. I might even carry one in my back pocket just to pull it out of you and her laughing, smiling. She made you sit through one of those stupid photo like things y'all have to do Put one of those in your back pocket Put that one on your phone so you pulled you I'm gonna focus on this and here's what my promise to you is brother

If you will do that if you will set a dedicated time From the from 430 to.30 p.m. every day, that's when I look at cars. And I'm gonna feel itchy and awkward of the other 23 hours, because I'm gonna choose to get off this drug. And the drug is something out there will make me feel better in here.

Here's my promise to you, over time your default setting will begin to shift. That itch will go away and then you'll have to stand in the awkwardness of I don't know how to be a husband because the guy that was supposed to model that for me bailed so new wife I'm gonna screw this up and I need you to continue to come back to the table to me and remind me that you love me and then I'm gonna say I'm sorry I'm gonna go do the next right thing that you love me and then I'm gonna say I'm sorry I'm gonna go do the next right thing. That's powerful. You get what I'm saying? And I know no therapist told you this I'm

sorry that they just want to sit here and listen and tell you all the old stories. There is a path out of this brother. And it is not fun. Because you're gonna feel itchy a lot especially for the first six months. Right when you're gonna feel itchy a lot especially for the first six months. Right when you're about to apply for a new job just don't. Just don't. Ask yourself what would make me the best damn employee at this place where I work right now. Go do that for six months it will change you from the inside out.

Roger that. Fair? That's fair. And it's not like I don't have any experience with this. No, no. I mean, yeah, my therapist was great, but you know, it was just a lot of listening. I did want, you know, I did want a good talking to. I do appreciate it, doctor.

I haven't been as proud of a young man as I am of you right now. Thank you, doc. Thanks for the call, my brother. I'm grateful for you. Hey, hang on the line. I'm gonna hook you up with some wedding gifts, okay? I'm gonna hook you up with both of my books.

I'm gonna hook you up with Financial Peace University so you and your wife can start and get your money right as you get out of the gate because that's most couples just fall apart because of money issues. I want you all to get on the same page with your money and I'm going to send you every dollar the premium version for free for a year. That way you all have the same app and you all can do your money together. I want you all to get that squared away. It's going to force you all to have conversations about who we want to be together.

Let's go help you out. Cool? Cool, cool, man. Thank you. Thank you so much. All right, man. Thanks, Tony. Appreciate you, brother. Appreciate you. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, while the world seems like it's falling apart, we're all under pressure to perform and look like we're keeping it all together. We all know that support is good, but many of us don't think we're allowed to ask for it. Women are often told that they have to be everything to everyone all of the time, and somehow they intuitively have to know how to do it all.

While men are often told that they are the reason for every bad thing in the world, and that asking for help means they are weak or less than. Listen to this, 76% of people across the globe believe that mental health care can help resolve personal problems, or less than. Listen to this, 76% of people across the globe believe that mental health care can help resolve personal problems, yet six out of 10 still believe that society discourages people from asking for help.

Real strength comes from opening up about what you're carrying and doing something about it so you can be your best self for you and for everyone else in your life. If you're feeling the weight of the world, talk to someone, anyone, a friend, a loved one, or yes, a therapist. I talk with a therapist often,

and you might consider doing it too. And if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit,

you can switch therapists at any time, easily and for no extra cost. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, we're back. We have a money and marriage question about sex.

Alright, here's a money marriage question. By the way, money marriage question. Me and my friend Rachel Cruz do a weekend marriage retreat in Nashville twice a year. And it's always packed. There's always a couple thousand people in there. Ah, that's probably too much. It's six or seven hundred couples that come together, plus all the people who are working the event but they come and spend a weekend together and it's intense, but there's a Anonymous question box that just gets loaded up. And so what I decided to do is start answering some of those questions on this show So because I don't get to every single one of them in the weekend

So here's the question we read Emily's book about female sexuality, talking about Emily Nagatsky's book, Come As You Are, which I, at this point, I think it's the best book on female sexuality, but also the best educational book out there. This woman writes, he still sees, her husband still sees our lack of sex as a you problem. How do I discuss that I still need his help?

So... Sheesh. What you're asking me is not a sex question. You're asking me a question of, how can I tell my husband what I want and have him actually listen to me. And the only thing I can, the only advice I can give you is the old business adage, clear is kind or to be unclear is to be unkind. And so it might be very unsexy, very, very un-Hollywood,

very unsexy, very very unholywood. But it's you getting with yourself and saying to yourself and writing this stuff down. I am unable to feel sexy when there's clothes piled up everywhere. I do not have space in my mind to think about sex, to think about intimacy, to think about getting busy with my partner, with my husband, when I'm carrying 50 dentist appointments and doctor appointments and this yard guy's coming and I gotta pay this and I gotta figure out this and oh yeah, I'm still working full-time too. Go through a list and be very clear for yourself.

And here's what you're gonna find. Either you're gonna find, you have a ton of stuff in your mental load that you need to be very clear with him. Yes, it would be Hollywood for him to just know, you know what, she always is doing all the dentists. I don't even know what time our kids get out of school. I don't even know where their dentist is.

I'm gonna sit down and ask her about all that. That'd be great. He's not gonna do that. Because he's thinking about the end of time and the apocalypse and do you all have enough meat in the freezer? Everybody's carrying around these mental load things. Sit down and be very clear.

Be very, very clear. I don't wanna get too into my house. I've made a commitment not to get too deep down the rabbit hole in my house. But it was a revelation to me that my wife had a picture in her mind about what a good wife is, and that is a clean kitchen. I didn't know that. And so anytime I was like, oh yeah,

there was still this running loop, this running script. Yeah, but a good wife has a, and so I took it personally, dude, we have an hour, we have two hours, let's go on a date, let's go out. And it's like, well, I gotta clean the kitchen. I didn't realize, I took that personally. It had nothing to do with me. And so sitting down and saying, some of those stories you tell yourself,

here's what I want so that I can create the space. And also you might find, you don't shower. I want you to trim up. You don't have a job and I'm not attracted to you. You play video games all day and I don't respect you. You just come in four beers in and you're like, hey, let's, and I'm not attracted to that. But sitting down and writing this stuff down

for you is important, clear as kind, not hinting like, well, you know, if I had some help around here, not going to get that map. We need a clearer map. Is that annoying? Yes. Is that, oh, my gosh, he should know. Fine. But that's the path. The second thing is you have to have the courage to sit down and read it to him. And then the third thing is, is you have to live in the reality that he may say, I'm not doing that. And then the true challenges in your marriage will be revealed. It could be that you don't feel safe enough to say what you really want and really need

to have taken off your plate for this other thing to have room in there because he won't hear you. He'll weaponize it there because he won't hear you. He'll weaponize it. He'll make fun of you. And if that's the case, you'll have to go to a marriage therapist immediately and deal with that. Or it could be you're him on around and you haven't been super clear. We read Emily's book about stop signs and green lights and gas pedals and brakes.

We did all that, but I was kind of like, I'm going to be super clear because clear is kind. And then I'm going to be very clear about here's what I need to have space. Here's what I want to have in the house, help wise emotionally. And then this gives me space to exhale and then begin to think about feeling beautiful. Think about hooking up with you. Think about being intimate, all those things. So that's my challenge. And if he weaponizes what you want, if he weaponizes your vulnerabilities,

what you put on the table, then y'all have much, much bigger issues. Hopefully he's like, most of the men I know that when they get a roadmap,, they're like, oh thank God And again, I'm going to reiterate this. Is that Hollywood? Nope. Is that The way it should be no, whatever. That's the way it is. Let's start trafficking in reality. Put that on the table So great great great question. Hopefully that answer helps Um, if you have some more Money Marriage type questions, send them on in, johndelaney.com slash ask.

We've got about a thousand backlogged questions, but if you got a good one, drop it in there, along with some cool things that are going on in your life, because I do want to inject some positivity in the world on a regular basis, and some am I the problem questions. Love you guys, stay out of trouble, don't do drugs. See you soon.