The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do I Stand Up for Myself?

Episode Date: August 7, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: A woman who wants to stop her ex from taking advantage of her A man suffering from extreme loneliness A woman traumatized by her house burning down To pre-order John's new book Building a Non-Anxious Life click here. Lyrics of the Day: "In My Blood" - Shawn Mendes Enter The Ramsey Cash Giveaway for a chance to win $3,000!  https://bit.ly/TDJDSgvwy Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. My husband started to make jokes about making me his sugar mama. He went and quit his job and proceeded to play video games nonstop. So I started setting boundaries with him. And he decided that he would rather be divorced than live with me anymore. What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So grateful that you've joined us.

Show about your mental health, your emotional health, your marriage, your kids, who you're trying to date, losing a loved one, all of it. Whatever's going on in your life, that's what we talk about on the show. Real people going through real challenges. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz, 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291, or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. And don't forget, we are in presale for my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life. The way we have approached mental health in this country over the last hundred years is simply not working. And I know that's a bold statement,

and I know it's a hard statement for me to make because that's my community. I've spent my life, dedicated my life to helping people and we've got to do something different. Just look around, right? Just look around. So this book is about the choices we can make to create a non-anxious, non-burned out, non-chronically stressed life. And I promise you, whoever you are, there are choices that you can make. Go to johndeloney.com to pre-order the book.

It's 20 bucks. It comes with a jillion cool pre-sale items that we will roll out to you over the next few weeks and few months. But get after it, johndeloney.com, building a non-anxious life. Pretty hyped. All right, let's go out to Las Cruces,

New Mexico. I know where Las Cruces is. What's up, Bridget? Hello. How are we doing? Um, I'm okay.

Excellent. How long have you been in Los? Well, I wouldn't even ask that question. Let's just go right to the call. What's up? How can I help? Um,

I'm trying to figure out how i can stop being a people pleaser you called the wrong guy because i have a problem with that too i struggle with that um tell me how how that works in your life um well i was married for 13 and a half years. And, um, the whole time I was people pleasing. I wouldn't, like, I would just give in. I wouldn't even say what I wanted or what I needed. And so it got to the point where my husband, um, started to make jokes about making me his sugar mama. And then he went and quit his job and proceeded to play video games nonstop.

And so I started setting boundaries with him and he decided that he would rather be divorced than live with me anymore. And then he immediately asked me if he could start dating before we were divorced. And I told him no, but he did it anyway. And then he talked me into giving him written permission to continue dating his girlfriend because she was going to break up with him if I didn't give him permission. And so I did. And then within two weeks of our divorce being final, he started trying to talk me into letting her meet the kids. And I felt like it was too soon. And then he got her a ticket to come see us and meet the kids. And without talking to me about it first. And so I told him that we wouldn't, we wouldn't be meeting with them. I have full

custody and legal decision-making. And so I don't have to let him see him. I don't feel like what he's going to do is right. But he started talking about taking me back to court to get more rights. And I felt like that would hurt my kids more than meeting the girlfriend. But then he also started yelling at me that he gave me everything in the divorce, but that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him to work with me on what he should take. And so I feel like he's going to hold it over my head for the rest of my life. Bridget, what? I don't, yeah.

I don't know that you're a people pleaser. You sound like somebody who's been very wise about trying to keep herself and her kids safe and you're married to a manipulative absolute jerk who has been a selfish child and has treated you like crap and there's you're like well well, well played, well played. These kind of calls break my heart, Bridget, because you just laid out a pattern of how this guy has completely crapped on you and your kids and the dreams you had and your life together. And you are probably from stemming all the way back from when you were a little girl

and you were made responsible for the way mom got mad. Or if dad got pissed off, it was probably Bridget's fault. Bridget, you shouldn't have done that. Now your dad's all mad. And now somebody just ran over you with a car and you're wondering what you did wrong. The only thing I would recommend that you can do differently from this point forward is to cut this guy out of your life. Block him.

You have 100% custody. You have no reason to talk to him. The judge in New Mexico thought he was so not good for your kids that they said it's better for kids to not see him than to come up with some sort of custody arrangement. And you and I both know that judges rarely do that unless there is some really gnarly stuff going on. Well, I think mostly it's because he didn't fight me on anything. Like, he was the one that wanted the divorce, but I was the one that had to file. I know, because he's a coward.

And you know what he did? He went to his new girlfriend and said, my wife divorced me. That's so he can tell that story to everybody. He didn't even have the courage to go through with what he did. He moved out on you and made you deal with the legal paperwork. I don't think you did anything wrong here.

I think you kept yourself safe. What I want you to do now is realize the position of strength you are in and you are not beholden to this guy anymore. And I'll tell you, as a dad and a husband, let's just say my wife chose to leave me or I chose to leave my wife and we ended up going through the divorce process and she filed for a hundred percent custody. Bridget, that ain't happening on my watch. I'll spend every dime I have because I can't breathe without my kids around. Even when they're driving me crazy, I can't breathe without my kids. And I can't breathe without my wife for that matter. So this whole scenario is kind of kind of fictitious but let me just say even when husbands leave their

wives they don't cash out on their kids too that just paints a picture of who this guy is and he is not worthy of having you in his life anymore he left you and if he wants to take you back to court, knock his lights out. And if the judge changes their original finding and demands that he sees part of you, then you'll live in that world where they'll get to see their dad some of the time. But I don't want you... Here's where the people pleaser comes in. No, you won't be people pleasing.

You'll be doing what the judge said. Well, no, I mean, like, I don't know if I have the strength. To what? To make that fight, to fight that he can see the kids. Like, I don't want them to not live with their dad in their life. You're imagining a fight that hasn't even happened yet, and you're making actions in the present tense on something that probably won't happen in the future.

If he is so much of a coward that he wouldn't even file on you and he asked for a permission slip for him to hook up with somebody else while y'all were still married, you realize how ridiculous that is? Yes. It's rare that I've never heard of something. I've never heard of a written permission slip. I mean, that's insane.

That's obnoxious. The chances of this dude getting a lawyer and fighting you are very small. And if he does, he's going to do it anyway. Right? What I want Bridget to understand is you're in the driver's seat now, and it's a scary thing to be driving.

And you're going to need some women in your life that will coach you and walk alongside you and hold your arms up in the desert when they get tired because it's a long slog and las cruces is an unforgiving place i've been there a lot eastern new mexico is tough right yes stuff and so maybe you ask yourself is this where i want to stay is this my forever place what kind of life do i want to build for me now well that's also another thing is that he hated it here so badly that that's that's his excuse for giving up the kids and not fighting that because he couldn't live here. So he moved away. And now he's trying to talk me into moving. And I'm like, I think you just solidified my plan to die here.

Well done, Bridget. Well done. Or, this is just plot twist here. There's a whole other country you can move to. Moving doesn't mean you have to go with him. You can go anywhere. Oh, well, he basically wants me to move just anywhere.

He doesn't get a vote. He left you. Stop giving four boxes of farts what this dude wants. Listen, you should not know who he's dating. He left you. You shouldn't know what her name is, where she lives, and he shouldn't know how to contact you.

And at some point, you may need to sell your house and move and put your new place under a trust so he has no idea where you are. He left you. Well, I can't do that. Yes, you can. I can't tell you. Yes, you can. Well, I have to let him know when I move.

That has been the legal paperwork. All right. Why would you need to let him know? You have 100% custody. Well, I mean, basically what it says in the paperwork is that they are with me 100% of the time unless we decide in writing together that they are going to be with him. Ah, okay. That's fair.

So that basically said he was, that basically said, yeah, uncontested. So basically he's Peter Pan. He doesn't want to grow up. Yeah. Dad was such a loser. He wouldn't even show up to say, I would like to see my kids. So the judge was like, well, crap then. You can't see him unless you one day put on big boy pants

and you decide to be a father. And then mom's going to have to say that's cool. Yeah. Here's the thing. You're in a position of strength. Maybe for the first time in your life. And you're in a very vulnerable, scary position because you're a single mom in Eastern New Mexico and that's tough.

Both and. So you're a single mom in Eastern New Mexico. And that's tough. Both and. So you're going to have to submit and get some people in your life that you trust that can walk alongside you. And you're going to have to consider career opportunities. I'm going to hook you up with some stuff for that. And you're going to have to consider choosing to change the way you interact with the world. Are you in on that? Because really, what's the other choice?

To go back with this man-child? No. And have him sign more permission slips? So ridiculous. Can I go to the zoo and can I hook up with somebody else? So ridiculous. All right. So I want you to,

I've got a close mentor of mine, a remarkable counselor therapist who lives in that community. I want you to hang on the line and off air, I'm going to give that name to you, okay? I want you to reach out and tell him I sent you, okay? I'm not going to put that name on the show because I don't want him to get blown up, but I'm going to give that name to you, okay? I want you to reach out and tell him I sent you, okay? I'm not going to put that name on the show because I don't want him to get blown up, but I'm going to send that to you.

And I'm going to send you a couple of different things if you're all in. Are you all in? Yes. Okay. I don't want this. I'm going to send you a bunch of stuff. But listen, if I send you all this stuff and I pay for it, and you go crawling back to

manchild and say once you put down your video game controller will you hug me and he'll be like i don't know let me check my permission slip and see when suzy's coming over if you go back come on you can't do that okay all right if you're in you're in all right here's i'm gonna send you i'm gonna send you my friend ken Coleman's Get Clear Assessment. It's an assessment you're going to take online. It's going to take you 15 or 20 minutes. I'm going to send you a free code, and it is going to help provide some direction for what is some work or career opportunities beyond what I'm doing now that might, A, be more fulfilling, and B, make me a whole bunch more money so I can take care of my family. Number two, I'm going to send you his book called The Proximity Principle, which is just

about, man, reaching out and finding connections where you happen to be. The third thing I'm going to send you is my first big book, Own Your Past, Change Your Future, about how do you deal out of ash when somebody leaves you, when the worst things have happened. How do you deal with your childhood stuff and then move on to be a functioning adult? And I'm going to send you my brand new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life. The things you can do every day, every week, every month

to create a non-chaotic, non-stressful world. Okay? Are you in? Yeah, I'm in. How about this? I'm going to send you something else. I'm going to send you my buddy Dave Ramsey's

Financial Peace University course to help you get your money straightened up. I know the data on single moms and it's scary, right? Uh-huh. Well, probably not scary for you because you've been dealing, you just lost a big kid

that ate a bunch of your food, a bunch of Cheetos down in the basement when he was playing video games. So your money may even be better. I'm going to send you financial peace, but you got to watch all the lessons and go through the courses. Are you in? Yes, absolutely. All right. I'm going to send you all this stuff. Listen, got to get some women in your life, some real life people, and you got to give my buddy a call. Okay. And I'll tell you his name off air. I'm so grateful that you called. I don't think you're a people pleaser. I think you're somebody who has learned over time to keep yourself safe. And I think you get some people in your life and you begin to create safety, choose safety. And that might mean not responding to text

messages. That might mean blocking people from your phone. That might mean doing all sorts of things to create boundaries to keep you safe. It's choosing freedom. You're not dragging me around anymore. I'm unhooking myself from the back of your truck and I'm going to start walking a moon two feet. Scary, but I promise you, you've got the strength to do it. And when you don't have the strength in those rare moments when things get heavy, that's what your community is going to be for. That's what your counselor is going to be for. That's what your pastor is going to be for. It's going to be reaching out to support people. You can call this show anytime and we'll put you through, Bridget. I'm here to walk with

you. I know it's a mess, but you got this and we got it with you. And on the line, we'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings.

We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself,

where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey

and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Salt Lake City, Utah, and talk to the great and wonderful Jeremy.

What's up, Jeremy? What's up, John? It's great to talk to you. And also with you. How we doing, man? Well, I'm doing all right. A little nervous talking to you in real life. Don't be nervous, man. How can I help, brother? What's up? Okay, so I'm going to start with my question. So, well, the other day I kind of had to turn on the lights and just kind of see where my life was at. And I realized that I was utterly alone in spirit and in mind. dating scene and doing dating and it just, it doesn't work out either on their end or my end. And I'm just trying to find ways that I can love myself to where I can be there and, um, be a part of the dating scene. I don't, I don't know how to best explain it.

I get it. I get it. What, what, what happened? Usually those moments when we take an inventory of our life, as you said, we just turn the lights on. Usually there's, there's a thing that happens. Correct. What happened? I was sitting around and I just, I was feeling really just bummed out. And I just decided to, I was just like, why, why am I so sad about like the day going on? And I just don't like how I'm feeling right now. And then I started having kind of a panic attack. And after I was able to calm that down, I was able to take inventory and I'm just, I just realized that I'm just all alone. And, you know, I have, I have community, but I don't. Why, why, why do you feel like you can't tell that community who you really are? I don't know.

I've just, I just learned recently how to be vulnerable because of your show to my own family. That's awesome. Yeah. But sometimes, sometimes family is a double-edged sword. They're great. And they also can be the source of some of our challenges,

especially from childhood, even though they didn't mean to. And so it's kind of, sometimes it's going back to the rattlesnake and saying, hey, just wanted you to know, like I'm recovering from how you used to bite me all the time.

And you have to put yourself back in distance of getting bit by the same rattlesnake again. Correct. And unfortunately, I'd score a seven on the aces. And just recently, I decided that after listening to your show, that I wasn't going to be responsible for my parents' emotion. And I decided to, yeah, it was a hard one. And so I decided to have a deep conversation

with with my mom you know she's still around and that was hard and you know she took it quite well but I kind of noticed that I was having um wanting to check out but I'm not a danger to myself, but I'm, I just keep, I just keep thinking, man, if this doesn't get any better, like, what is it going to be like? What am I going to do? And so I got to the point that I was like, I need to throw a hell of a merry now. Yeah. So let me tell you, let me tell you, brother, you're way, way, you think this is the fourth quarter. You're not even done with the first half yet. You don't need to be throwing Hail Marys yet.

You had a game plan or you had a coach with a game plan and that got your head knocked off in the first quarter. And then you're like, dude, I'm not playing for this coach anymore. And courageously, like very, very few people, you sat down with a rattlesnake and you said, you're not biting me anymore. Dude, that's incredible. What we don't do enough, and I'll own some of this, man.

What I don't do enough is let people know that when you do put up a boundary there is a feeling of silence and isolation behind that boundary for a minute because it's new scary because you're all by yourself yeah so it feels you're not crazy and you're not broken your body's actually going whoa where is everybody and um you've heard me say on the shows your body will will solve for equilibrium they'll try to get back solve for homeostasis i'm sorry it'll try to get back to the way it was it will go find another dysfunctional relationship where somebody drags you around and makes you responsible, which is why you're probably dating people that are so familiar and fun. And then really quickly, they remind you a lot of the crap you went through as a kid. And then you're like, I'm out of here.

And then it just starts over again because your body wants to solve for what it knows, even if what it knows is killing you. Or I'll find a reason why I shouldn't be with them. And you know why that is, right? You've heard me talk about that? Because of insecurity? No, that's you trying to beat yourself up when you say about insecurity.

It's because your body put a GPS pin in getting too close to somebody because the last time you did that it got you hurt. Bad. Yeah. And it probably you hurt bad. Yeah. And it probably came from mom and dad or a big chunk of it did. Or mom and dad stood by and let it happen. Or they didn't show up when it did happen.

All that stuff. And so your body knows, hey, if those two aren't going to step in, nobody's going to step in. And so once we cross a threshold to get too close, I'm sounding every alarm I got because I got to protect you because you, Jeremy, are too interested in hooking up with somebody and connecting with somebody and getting some long-term stability, and I got to keep us alive. So your brain sounds the alarms, you break up, you move on, or you do something that's erratic or not you. You text somebody 400 times in one night

because you feel anxious about the way y'all left, right? Fair, right? Fair. And then they are like, whoa, too much. And they break up with you and then you self-sabotage. The whole thing, right? Oh, yeah, for sure. It's a matter of, okay, we put up some boundaries.

Whew. Well, the good news is me and my mom have a great relationship. Awesome. I love her, absolutely. So it wasn't terrible, but I was just always afraid to have that conversation with her. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. So, really what I want you to think of the season you're in is you just got picked up on a basketball team and they saw how good you were as an athlete.

You just don't know anything about basketball. And they put you out on the court and you can run and you can jump and you can rebound every once in a while. But your shots look ridiculous. When you shoot, you're not even close to the hoop. And when they're like, go play the four, go play the four down the block, you're like, I don't know what that means, right? I don't have the idea. Or they're like, just run a simple motion,

and you're like, I don't know what that is. All it is is it has nothing to do with your ability has nothing to do with your um brains it has nothing to do with your um athletic prowess you just gotta learn some new skills that's it and so it's going to be awkward it's going to be uncomfortable but it's going to be going towards the right thing yeah Yeah. See what I'm saying? Yeah. Now, here's what I'm going to challenge you on. I think you probably think and feel and have lots of emotions. And in many ways, those thoughts and feelings and heavy emotions become paralyzing. Mm-hmm.

And I want you to come up with a note card worth of things you will commit to doing on a daily basis. I don't care how you feel. I don't care what you think. I don't care what your emotions feel like. I don't care if your feet feel like lead. Mm-hmm. I will't care if your feet feel like lead. I will do these things. Yeah.

And you're going to have to act your way into becoming a person you are proud of. I'm proud as hell of you right now, but the, what I feel about you doesn't matter. You've been chasing external validation your whole life, and you've realized at this point, it doesn't fill you up, doesn't work. And it's also in some parts hard to believe.

That's right. You know? Because you know that you didn't even exercise today. You know that you had some work assignments. I didn't even do them today. You know. Yeah. And so the way I've heard it said that I love is if you're looking for somebody,

when someone says like, hey, how do I find somebody to date and connect with? It sounds counterintuitive, but I want you to be calm, to focus on you with an intensity of becoming the best version of you. I'm going to exercise. I'm going to sign up for a local community college class to take a course in Shakespeare or psychology or theater. I'm going to do something so out of my wheelhouse, but I'm going to go every class. I'm going to learn how to dance. And I've been to Salt Lake. Y'all cannot dance. Right. I, I, I'm going to do these things. I'm going to learn Spanish. I am going to learn wood cutting. I'm going to do stuff that I want to do that I love doing. And my promise to you,

Jeremy, is as you grow in micro achievements, little bitty, like, I don't know how to play this song on guitar. And I'm going to sit there and sit there and sit there until I figure it out. And then I'm going to be able to play it. And I will walk two inches taller to go to bed that night. Then I'm going to get up tomorrow and do it again. Yeah. You spend so much time thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and feeling and feeling and feeling and thinking. And I want to give your body some, like a season of little wins.

I'm going to call a friend. I'm going to call a friend. I'm going to call a friend. And then I'm not going to text him when we get done. I'm going to feel how awkward in that little spinny, I shouldn't have said this. I hope to think it's funny. I have a buddy of mine I do have a buddy of mine who I love Who we hang out and we hang out for a while

And then sends me long texts Like so sorry dude I was weird a little bit awkward today And finally I called and I was like You're never allowed to post hangout text me ever again Like you're my friend Of course you're weird And you're my friend Of course you say dumb things

I do too you're my friend You're not at a weird and you're my friend. Of course you say dumb things. I do too. You're my friend You don't need to you're not you're not at a job interview. You're my friend. Yeah, right You have to practice that Do you have three friends that you could call right now And invite them over for dinner this week And say hey i've never told you guys about my childhood And I talked to this goofball on YouTube or on podcast. And he kept telling me that grief demands a witness. So I just want to tell you all about some stuff that happened.

And I know it's going to be weird, but I trust y'all. Do you have three people you could do that with? Oh, that's so hard. Bro, I know. I know. I'm an open book. It's no you're not you are not you know you have uh ripped out chapters one through five out of your story i'm an open book until you get to the first beginning that's right you don't let anybody read chapters one through five you want to just pick you up after you graduate of college and look how fancy i am yeah and that's not your story man okay your story is look at the hell i

endured and look who i've become on the back side of this yeah for sure that's your story and the more you run from it the stronger it becomes and And when you have friends that you're vulnerable with, when you have somebody that you are dating and you're getting closer and closer and closer to, they feel the secrets on you. They just don't know what it is and they think it's their fault and it feels uncomfortable and so it's easier to not be in a relationship with those secrets. I feel it, right? It's like being in a dark room and you know there's like something's going to jump out and grab you. You just don't know where it is. You're like, dude, I'm getting out of here. It's that. Yeah. And listen,

those three people, they could roast you with your secrets. No question. But they probably won't. Or maybe get a counselor in practice. That's what I did. I did it recently. Told some hard, hard, hard stuff. I had told zero people. Zero people. And then practicing with a counselor was hard and healing.

And then I told my wife, and then I told some friends. And it has completely lost its power over me. And see, I wanted to go to counseling, but part of me, a loud part of the inside of me is just screaming, what's the point? You know? You want me to tell you the point? How old are you, brother? 36.

Okay. I've got some years on you, okay? I'm in my 40s now. I'm an old man. I'll tell you the point. I laugh from my guts now. And I fall asleep without meds. And I don't hardly ever drink anymore.

Because I don't need it to be close to people. And I have two knucklehead little kids that I love more than life itself. And I have a wife that has been through thick and thin and hell and back with me. And I just breathe easier when she's around. Wow, that'd be a huge relief. I know, but listen, I only got there when I started being honest. And I'm not talking about dishonest like, I'm not cheating on you. That's not what I mean.

I mean when I started saying things like, hey, I really want this or I need this. I'm scared about this. And she finally said, oh, sweet, man. Now I can connect. But I had to go first. Yeah. This seems like climbing up a mountain. I can't describe how perfect you're now.

You just nailed it. There's a book by one of the most extraordinary minds of our generation. His name is David Brooks. And the book is called The Second Mountain. I want you to check that book out. It's really, really powerful. In fact, it's real, real powerful. I think you would, I think you would really benefit from it. And hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of my brand new book building a non-anxious life And it's gonna it it is six choices and it's a wheel And if any one of these these choices gets out of whack

The whole wheel wobbles and the car won't drive the right way the bike won't won't wobble will fall off, right? So hang on the line i'm going to send you a copy of this thing. I want you to go through it start to finish square one all the way through. Actually, you know what? I want you to pick up On Your Past, Change Your Future too. I know you've got a history with ACEs Score, and it talks about the ACEs in that book too, helping you walk through some of these challenges.

But listen, you are not at Hail Mary time. And my 100% expectation is if you wake up and you say, I'm ready to check out, I'm ready to not be alive anymore that you will call somebody. I've got your word on that, but we're way, way off from that right now. You're a young man.

He's 36 years old. You're not even at the second half yet. And yeah, you got banged up in the first quarter first half you did you got beat up pretty good You're gonna go in the locker room And regroup get some people around you change the game plan get some new strategies Change up the personnel get a new coach or two or three And then we're gonna go back out there and said, what's it all for? Let me

tell you why. I got two little kids that need you because you, my brother, are creating the world that they're going to live in. I need you. They need you. Your neighbors need you. That woman that you're going to meet and fall deeply in love with will need you. Those little knucklehead of kids that you're going to have one day will need you. Hang on the line, brother. I'm going to send you some stuff and get you hooked up. You call any time and I'll walk with you. Thank you so much for being brave, man. Like you, you're the real deal.

Holy field, Jeremy. You got a long road to go, but man man that light's bright on the other side we'll be right back all right let's go out to toronto and talk to hayley with a why what's up hayley hello how we doing good how are How are you? So good. I'm good. What's up? I'm basically calling just because me and my family, we've recently kind of, we went through a one year anniversary of our house burning down. Gosh.

Yikes. Yeah. house burning down. It happened July 3rd, 2022 at 1250 in the morning. Were you all inside? Pardon? Were you all inside? Yeah, we were all asleep. I was still up. I was watching YouTube when it all went down. And so for the better part of last year and this year, it was kind of like an abandoned house that still melt like the smoke it did that night. And for the better part of last year, we were just kind of like watching it like be the same way that it did that night and how we left it. So now in April, they started, April of this year, they started to rebuild it. going through the changes of like how symbolically it's kind of making me grow up to see, um, you know, walls being taken down and all the beautiful woodwork that we had growing up being, you know, taken. Is this a childhood home? Yeah. Oh, wow. So the only home I've known. So you had your childhood home and then then did you have your own family,

or is this with your parents? With my parents. Okay. How old are you? I'm 24. Okay. So your whole family lived there, and then it burned down, so now they're having to go back and change it.

Yeah. I'm so sorry. So when they rebuild it, are you all just like in a temporary housing, like in a rental house or something? Yeah, we're in a rental about a block away. Okay. So you get to see it every day, right? Yeah. Which is both good and harrowing.

Mm-hmm. Before I just start running my mouth, how can I help you directly? I guess I'm just trying to find ways to cope with the changes and everything because for me right now, it's just basically me talking to my family or my friends about it. And the weird part about talking about it with your friends and stuff is that they'll like look at you kind of pitiful and, you know, and then telling people that your house burned down as all ways, like kind of like an awkward situation.

So kind of like needing help navigating that. Are you going to move back in with them or are you're 24 you're going to go get your own place now um i am going to move back in rent is super expensive but i'm saving up to move out hopefully next year okay um i guess there's a couple of things here one is one is dealing with the obvious events of that night, how scary it was, going door to door, banging on doors. And that might mean sitting down with a counselor and doing a couple of sessions of EMDR. Just a process. Let the trauma of that night circulate through your body and be done.

Be out. Okay. Okay? You don't have to do that. Some people can do that journaling. Some people can do that with exercise. And it's about letting that event run its course. I love the definition of trauma and you're still within a year, so you're still there. But I love the definition of trauma is not what happened. It's our body's response to what happened in the past in the present. And it's that memory that overrides our ability to handle it. And just

every alarm system we got starts ringing off the wall. Right. And some people take traumatic moments and tell everybody about them as a way to try to control what happened. And you become a weird overshare, right? Yeah. You're'm hayley my house burned down everyone's like whoa like yeah do you want do you want not right that's totally normal it happens and there's people who take what happened and just put it in a lock box and drop it in the ocean and hope they never think or talk about it again that That's not good either, right? Because people can feel those secrets on you and they just don't know what to do because they know they're not getting the full you, but they don't know where the secrets are buried. They don't even know what's in those secrets, right? And so there is a process by which you say to yourself, I wasn't safe then, but I am safe now.

I wasn't okay then. I almost lost my family in a fire, but we all got out and we made it. And I had an exercise where my granddad, who passed away a few years ago, he's 94, he's a World War II veteran. He's just an awesome man, one of the greatest guys. He gave me, when he found out i was working in in higher education when i was a professor and he gave me a um tweed coat like a like a suit jacket that he had with the patches on the on the elbows and everything it just looked like a professor jacket out of a movie and it never fit i'm just i was just a bigger guy than

him but i always kept it because my granddad gave it to him and this is just a bigger guy than him, but I always kept it because my granddad gave it to him. And this is just about a year ago. I was going through like I do on a somewhat regular basis, getting rid of clothes, just kind of accumulator on the house. And I saw the jacket, and I smiled like I always do, and I remember him, and I moved it over into the keep pile. And then I picked it back up, and I held it in front of me and

I'll never forget this moment I said to myself my granddad is not in this jacket and then I put my hand on my chest I made a fist and I said he's right here and so I put the jacket in the donate pile, and hopefully somebody who really needed a nice jacket is wearing it now because my granddad wasn't there. Right. So what I would tell you is your memories, your family, they're not in that woodworking. Okay.

They're not there. A lot of cool stuff happened there And we're going to mourn the loss of that place We're going to grieve that place And I'll tell you a couple things you can do to facilitate that But I want you to constantly remember When you get overwhelmed with feeling about the loss of that house Or you drive by and they're taking the roof off

Or they're digging up holes in the yard It looks terrible. I want you to say out loud to yourself, my family's not in that house. And then put your hand on your chest and say, my family's right here. Okay? Okay. Now, I want you to have, this is going to sound crazy. I want you to propose this to your parents.

I want you to have some sort of miniature funeral for that house. Okay. I want you to write a letter to it. I want you to have, and y'all can laugh your way through this. You can laugh, cry your way through this. It can be a big old dramatic moment. Every family's different. My family would probably start dying laughing and we'd all end up in tears by the end. Yeah. But I want you to have some sort of memorial service for what was and give yourself, your body, a chance to put a period at the end of that sentence. And as we always do at funerals, we talk about memories. We talk about the good stuff. We talk about the bad stuff.

Remember when the stupid hot water heater kept breaking? Remember when there was always that weird leak and that weird sound and whatever happened. And then the most important part of a funeral is here's what happens next. Here's who we're going to become in this new house. What do we want this new house to feel like? What do we want this new house? What memories do we want to create in this new place? Yeah. And we're going to be intentional about saying those things out loud. Okay. Okay. And, by the way, not everybody gets access to this story.

Your close friends, yeah. Ew, boyfriend, ew. Are you dating somebody? No. Okay, good. Don't ever. But if you do, maybe that person gets access. But the people at the store, at the grocery store, your classmates in school, your workmates, they don't get all those details.

No. Right? If they ask or there's a relationship, be like, yeah, we had a big fire last year. Oh, that was your house? Yeah, that was my house. But we don't have to just dig into all of it. See what I'm saying? And you can start to build some boundaries around, not secrets, but you can start to build some boundaries around.

Not everybody gets 100% access to Haley. Right. That makes sense. Okay, I threw a lot at you. How does that sound? It does sound really good. We're going to have a mini funeral for the house. Will you try a funeral and let me know how it goes? Maybe even take a picture and email it to

Jenna or Kelly. I would love to see that. We'll put it on the show. That'd be great. But do you think your mom and dad would play along? Probably not, just because they're Irish. Hey, they'll play along. Get some bagpipes. Yeah, there you go.

See if they'll play along. Yeah. You think so? Do you have any other family that was there? I'll have to. Yeah. You think so? Do you have any other family that was there? I'll have to include a, no, just pets, but they're okay. What are you going to say? You're going to have to include what? I'll have to include a couple of drinks.

The Irish people that are working on the show all are cheering for you right now. Way to go. Yeah, Haley, I mean, it's terrifying and scary. And when you lose your home, there's so much tethered to that structure. And so it's unnerving when that structure goes away. And that structure can go away by fire. That structure can go away when you move. That structure can go away when you get evicted. There's something powerful And that structure can go away by fire. That structure can go away when you move. That structure can go away when you get evicted. There's something powerful about that structure.

And it takes some intentionality to back up and A, heal from the actual sirens blaring, lights flashing. Is mom out? Is dad out? Are all the pets out? Like that fear is real. It's terrifying. Your body, it overwhelms your body senses. And then there's the conscious intentional move towards, okay, this is what was. Let's honor it. Let's laugh about it. Let's cry about it. And then let's begin dreaming about what comes next. Let's start looking into what's this new house going to feel like and look like. And how long am I going to live there? Because I need to go get my own place because I'm 25. Whatever life looks like there. Just be intentional about planning what happens next. And hopefully, in short order,

as you drive by your house being rebuilt, it's not an, oh my gosh, I can't believe they're taking that down. It's, oh, this is going to be amazing because they're going to build something new. It's going to be a testament to the past, but a projection into the future. And there'll be sad days,

but hopefully the great days will way out, outweigh the sad days. Thanks for the call, Haley. You're awesome. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet

has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life.

Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back in action here. Hey, just a heads up. Bagpipes are Scottish, not Irish. It's not all the same place. Just wanted you to know that. Leprechauns, Ireland. Bagpipes, Scotland.

Different people, different countries Listen I'm embarrassed But I was a world geography teacher So I'm also ashamed A little bit, and you should be America, I failed you Not just America

Like the British Isles The whole UK I was going to make a Scotland I'm not doing anything I'm going to say to my Scottish friends Iron Man is that

that's not it no that's pirate totally different oh boy alright as we wrap up today's show, and I've just lost all of our Irish listeners. Oh, boy. Is that how we get canceled?

Might be, yeah. That's not cultural appropriation. That's like, it's de-appropriation. Cultural denigration, yeah. It's denigration. There you go. Jeez. And my family's Irish. Anyway, I don't even know my own heritage

that's what makes it embarrassing this the song of the day is from the great sean mendez the song is called in my blood and it goes like this help me it's like the walls are caving in sometimes i feel like giving up but i just can't it isn't in my blood laying on the bathroom floor feeling nothing i'm overwhelmed and insecure. Give me something I could take to ease my mind slowly just have a drink and you'll feel better Just take her home and you'll feel better. Keep telling me. Does it get better? Does it ever? Sometimes it feels like the walls are caving in sometimes. I feel like giving up. No medicine is strong enough Someone help me i'm crawling in my skin

Sometimes I feel like giving up but I just can can't. It isn't in my blood. Listen to me if you're listening. Listen to me. Don't ever give up. Don't ever give up. Love you guys. We'll see you soon.