The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do I Stop Relapsing Into Destructive Habits?

Episode Date: June 30, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A man who’s relapsing from his alcohol addiction - A woman worried the world will end next year - A 41-year-old obese man who wants to stop living with his mom Lyrics of the Day: "It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" - R.E.M. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm over 600 pounds. Everything is just a mess right now. You snapped your fingers for me right now. What would be different? I would have enough money to support myself, be able to help my friends out when they needed it. I need you to hear me say it, man.

That is not the answer I was it. I need you to hear me say it, man. That is not the answer I was expecting. What is going on? What is going on? What is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. A show about you, your mental and emotional health, your families, your marriages, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life.

Been walking alongside people for more than two decades now, sitting with them when the wheels have fallen off and they have to ask that scary question, what am I going to do now? And my promise is I'll show up with you and I'll pull up a seat in the muck and the mire and we will figure out what happens next. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291, or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. Also, if you are frustrated by the state of the world and you think everybody's just acting the fool and being goofy and you wish that they would just get, just go subscribe or click the thumbs up button. I don't know how all that stuff works. Just tell the internets that you are a subscriber to the show, however you do that.

It kicks the show up in the algorithms and it helps us for no cost. It doesn't cost us anything. It helps us get this show out and the message out to more and more folks. So, so, so grateful for you. Let's go out to Sean in Moses Lake. What's up, Sean? How are you doing, John? Partying, man. What are you up to? Oh, not much. Just about ready to get the day started here. I figured I'd talk to you first. My wife figures the exact opposite on most mornings. So good for you, man.

Good for you. What's up? Um, all right. Well, I got myself in a little bit of a situation here. Um, I'll give you a quick backstory real quick. Um, so I had a, uh, alcohol withdrawal related seizure, September 21, and I have no legal trouble or anything like that. Um, so then my grandpa, so I quit after that. And then my grandpa died February 22. So I started slowly coming back and doing what I'm not supposed to be doing. And then, so, uh, November of, uh, 22 to December of 22, I went to treatment in California, came back, was doing good through the holidays, IOP, a, Celebrate Recovery, counseling with my wife, Lexi. But then I started to relapse like every three to four weeks, just like single day, single night relapses and

not really understanding why until afterwards. And that pushed Lexi and Owen, my son, to her mom's house. We still are cordial and see each other quite often, but they're in town and we have 20 acres out here in a little farm. And so my two questions are, could you help me understand, after all this treatment that I've been to, I still am not understanding until, I'm not noticing what I just did until the next day. Like, why the hell did I do that You know and then the second question is I'm really a relationship oriented guy And I've been with Lexi for over 17 years now So how should I deal with that loss of communication with her Without going stir crazy out here by myself

Yeah that's a great question man I got my dog Rossi and she doesn't speak very good English. Yeah, but she probably loves you more than most. And you've been through hell the last year or two, huh? Yeah. And you've been through hell way before that too, huh? Yeah, but it was never, like I said, I've had no legal problems.

I was- I don't care about that. I don't care about that. I don't care about that. Okay. There's a lot of people who are, in the nerd world,

we call it long tail suicide. Okay. Who are quietly drinking themselves to death and no one will ever know because they're going to say, I got pancreatic cancer, I had liver issues,

or I had a stroke. And no one's going to realize that for the last 30 years, they quietly drowned themselves in the company of people who loved them. Yeah. So I don't care about legal trouble, man. I care about Sean who's sitting in front of me, who's looking at his life and has a different picture of what this could look like, man. And you just feel tethered to the old one, right?

Yeah. So, my instinct is to call bullcrap on, in a loving way, right? If we're sitting here, I'd be smiling. But I would say I call bullcrap on, I just black out and I wake up the next day and i was drunk the night before there's always a moment it's not yeah yeah i know and like and it's it's there and i know that like these situations they just kind of pop up out of the blue i know it's not it's not an excuse but you know what sets you off what What is it? I want to say friendship. If a friend's coming over or something like that.

Relationships. I don't want to... If a friend is coming over, if your wife wants to get close with you, that's when you drink? Well, I mean, I don't have friends. I just went to Dallas for five days and didn't drink the whole time I was down there sure because it was a new environment yeah

and I like I say it's just it's for me it's answer my question though brother when you're sitting at home

what happens but friendship are you drinking because you're lonely are you drinking because you got friends coming over I think I think

I think because I'm because I'm bored there you go yeah and like because you're lonely? Are you drinking because you got friends coming over? I think, I think, I think because I'm, because I'm bored. There you go. Yeah. And like, like my old routines of like

out on the tractor having a beer in my hand, you know, that, that type of thing. That's right. So all the things you just rattled off,

celebrate recovery, AA, counseling with my wife, trying to do this, trying to do that. You are trying to do so much all at the exact same time. Yeah. I would love to see you back out a little bit and have one singular goal for six months,

and that is to stay stone sober. We're not going to also dig into my childhood past. We're not going to also dig into how can I communicate better. We're not going to dig into the shame associated with, you love this woman for 17 years, but you've dragged her through the mud too. We're not going to do any of that. We're going to create a structure around staying sober. Because what you're trying to do, man,

it's like you have a stomach virus and you keep throwing up. And you're also trying to clean up the house at the same time and meet with a roofing contractor and test out new counter wipes. The first thing you got to do, man, is quit barfing, right? Yeah. And that's the challenge and yes um it doesn't surprise me that it's easy for you when you're in a new environment to stay clean because your body doesn't fall into those old rhythms the the challenge you gotta you gotta be honest with yourself about is a and i live on

some acres too and so i get what i'm asking you. Is that the place for you? Well, see, that's the, that's one thing too. We were, my wife, Lexi,

she's a consultant pharmacist and she has an opportunity to move to St. George in Utah. And we're seriously thinking about a new environment. I don't know that that's necessarily a bad thing. Yeah. And maybe it's something where you hang on to your property and y'all go down there and rent for a season. Yeah. We've been talking through that the last couple of weeks.

Okay. Your wife has to understand and believe that healing is coming, but you can't do it all at the same time. And she's going to want to get her 17 years back. Yeah. And she's going to want to get her 17 years back. Yeah. And she's going to want to get, especially the last two or three years back. And she wants to get back how scared she was

when you had that seizure. And she wants to get back all that right now. And that's just not how healing works. Yeah. And like, and it makes me feel terrible. I know it does, but that starts the cycle over again

yeah you feel terrible and then your body's way of dealing with terrible is to unplug when you unplug you get bored man and I gotta feel something and I don't want to feel shame and I can feel this and this is awesome is that fair?

yeah that's fair and you know it's what keeps you from calling your sponsor? This is awesome. Is that fair? Okay. Yeah, that's fair. And you know, it's... What keeps you from calling your sponsor? I don't have a sponsor yet. I call my buddies to keep me focused. That ends today. Really? That ends today.

You have to get a sponsor to hold you accountable. Okay. Bro, your way has not worked. It's not worked, has it? I know. Nope. You got to say for the next 60 days, I'm going to AA every single day

and I will get a sponsor. And I'm going to go through the whole rigmarole. As much as you roll your eyes and oh my gosh, it's so stupid and they get all in your face or whatever they want to sing Kumbaya, whatever they want to do, that's the way, because my way's not working.

Yeah. Because, I mean, I was doing AA every day, but then I just kind of got out of that rhythm. You did it partway? Yeah. You went to meetings, but you didn't connect with people, right? I kind of did. I was there probably going for three or four months.

You never got somebody's number to call when you felt the need to use? No. Yeah. No. You were playing it. You went halfway. Okay. And here's the thing.

I think you're, just talking to you, I think you're probably a great guy. Are you a good dad? Yeah, I try to be when I'm around him. Yeah. But you know your wife's doing what's best for him.

She got him away from somebody who's not safe, right? Right. I understand all that. She's hard on me. Oh, dude. I can't. My son's at camp right now. I can't even breathe.

Our whole house is a little bit low because one of the gang's gone, right? I get that. Yeah. But listen, you can't get sober for him. I know, for myself. Why don't you believe that, dude? I don't know. I feel like

it's hard not to defend my family. I know, but the best way to defend your family is you being able to defend your family. Yeah, I know. Who the best way to defend your family is you being able to defend your family. Yeah, I know. Who told you Sean sucks? I think him.

Your son? No, me. Oh. Yeah, but somebody... Those kind of conversations start at somebody else's words. I mean, I couldn't tell you that off the top of my head when I would have ever noticed that. Okay.

The way it usually works is we're born into a family of some sort. We're born into some sort of... It's just the air we breathe. We don't even know it. And that could be another topic here. I mean, I have one brother, no divorces. My parents have been married for four years, never moved, same elementary school, all that. Sports, football, basketball, baseball.

I didn't drink until freshman year of college, and that was just barely on and off. So what is it you thought life would look like now? And what's different about reality? No, no, but let's take drinking off the table. You thought your life would look like now? And what's different about reality? No, no, but let's take drinking off the table. You thought your life would look like something. Did it include driving a tractor on your own little place? Yep. So what's so hollow about this world?

Right now, not having my family home. I know dude, but there's a hollowness there that you wallpaper over with alcohol. Even if your family's sitting right inside. That's what I haven't been able to figure out. Because you're really, really focused on external metrics. Haven't been to jail. They're still married for 40 years. I know a lot of silently abusive families

where everything looks great on the outside. Or really, really great moms and dads who did the best they could. But they also let one kid know that they like the other kid better. I don't know what your story is, man. Yeah, so that is one thing that I've

kind of noticed that my punishments were harsher than my brother's. Okay. But where is that buried and why did it come out when it did? If that is what I have buried. I think that's a problem. If I were you, I'd want to know the answer to that, but you can't know that answer until you get sober. Right.

And so going, spelunking into your past, trying to fix all things. Dude, you're doing so much all at the same time. I want to see you make a full commitment, a full run at going to meetings for 60, let's do 90 days, three months,

man. Give you, Oh, love Sean enough for three months. And I'm going to get a sponsor on the first day and tell him I've been before. I didn't do it all the way. I didn't go all in. I need someone I can call.

And what we're going to do is we're going to practice. We're going to make a commitment to sobriety. And it will be on that foundation that we can start working on and practicing becoming a better husband and dad. All right. But you got to get clean. Do you trust me when I tell you you're worth more than this?

Oh, yeah. I mean, I've heard it a bunch of times. It's just, I felt like reaching out to you guys. There's something different for me to think about.

I'm grateful for you, man. How can I help you? Is there something you need? I don't think so. Not right. I mean, I'd like to, like, talk to you again. Okay. I mean, I'd like to like talk to you again.

Okay. I would, it would make my heart full if after 60 days you would call me back and let me know you've been going for 60 days and I'll have you back on the show. We'll do a whole segment. Is that cool? That's awesome. Okay. That's, that's, uh, that's our, that's our deal, brother. You, uh, you go make it, and we'll have you back.

And, by the way, if you have two or three relapses over that 60 days, I still want you back, man. You're in the gang now. You're in the gang. I'll walk with you for the long haul, but you've got to have people that you trust right next to you that will call you out. Your buddies aren't cutting it.

Your buddies aren't cutting it. Thank you for loving yourself and your wife and your son. Let's go get sober first and we'll work on the other stuff next. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though, is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you

three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways

you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the Hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it,

and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself. And sometimes you do this with a group and hallow helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, hallow right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app. When you go to hallow.com slash Deloney, go right now and change your life. All right, let's go to my home state of Texas in Dallas and talk to the great Kate. What's up, Kate? Hey there. How we doing?

Good for the most part. Oh, no. What happened? What's up? I'm just going to read you the email I sent in. That way I can articulate correctly my question. So it's not very long, but it says, I'm a Christian. I've been a Christian my whole life.

And there are other Christians saying that the eclipse that's happening next year has potential to bring doom and gloom. Some articles have said that it will be earthquakes, famine, war. They also say we should be preparing for the worst. We should be storing up food and water and supplies. And I have been in just a constant state of fear since reading it. I'm stuck between feeling like I need to start growing my own food, which is an incredibly overwhelming thought, or that this is just silly and I just need to trust that God will take care of me and my family. And it has gotten to the point that I don't even think I want to have kids anymore. And we've been trying to conceive for 18 months and I've been praying and reading and I just feel really scared and really unsure of what to do.

So when you were reading this thing about the eclipse happening next year and the potential to bring doom and gloom to the world, I want you to know I raised my arms and smiled really big. And then as I heard you keep talking, I feel bad. So you're going to watch this and I was kind of a jerk. I was kind of making fun. Like anybody who's telling you that is full of more nonsense than I can muster on this day today. I don't believe that there's any possible thing anybody could point to in the present, in scripture, in the past, whatever, that an eclipse is going to bring doom and gloom. Okay?

So I want you to hear that. Or here's a better way I can say it. Me and my family, and I'm kind of a prepper, me and my family will not be preparing anything special for the eclipse. Okay? Okay. That's my promise. Number two, my wife and I waited a long, long time.

We waited till we got through grad school. We waited for a long time to have kids. And we have two beautiful kids. And if I could take my head right now and stick it in my 25-year-old body, I probably would have had four or five. Knowing what I know right now, and I've spent my career seeing the worst of the worst

and the grossest of the gross, okay? My question for you is, often when we get stuck in something like this, it just runs on a loop and a loop and a loop and a loop, like a roller coaster that never ends. Often when I've been working with people over the years, what I found is there's other things in their life that are out of whack. It could be how much money you owe

and your body knows you're not safe. It could be you have an unsafe husband that you know you're supposed to be married to because you have your religious beliefs and all that, but man, it's not a very good person. It could be boundary issues with your family or your boss. It could be you have a calendar that's so packed. It could be any number of things. But if you step back away from this, this one thing,

what else is going on in your life that is chaotic and anxious? That's stressed? Well, I just got diagnosed with endometriosis. Well, geez, Kate, lead with that. Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. And it was completely out of the blue.

Yeah. Are you in pain? Or is it just the... No. Okay. It's silent, yeah. And the doctor, she even told me, she said, I'm absolutely floored.

Oh man. She said this is one of the worst cases she's ever seen. Good gracious. And I will probably have to have a full hysterectomy by the time I'm 40. And I'm 30 now. Yeah. So it's heartbreaking.

Yeah, there's no so. Yeah, you just got to sit in that. You've wanted to be a mom for a long time, haven't you? I've been scared to be a mother and then I finally make up my mind and it's like, oh, no, you got to go through all this. Why are you scared to be a mother. And then I finally make up my mind, and it's like, oh, no, you got to go through all this. Why were you scared to be a mother? I've had a very traumatic childhood, and so I've just been scared that I won't be a good mom, that I'll be like my mom. I think you're going to be an awesome mom.

Because I think that crap that happened with you as a kid, one of your life missions is that along the family tree that is Kate and her family, that stops with you. Fair? Fair. Completely.

I'm proud of you. Do you see if you back out? So one of the things we do with looping thoughts, we really try to solve for the eclipse, right? One of the things we do with looping thoughts is, the way we try to address them, and that's whether it's OCD or whether it's anxiety or whether it's clinical or not, right?

These are some of these behavioral patterns. Is we have like a house and there's a hose in one of the windows and it's just pumping in poisonous gas. And as a culture, we've been pumping poisonous gas into our house for about 200 years now. And we have spent bajillions of dollars

trying to help the people inside that house with breathing treatments, with ways to clean their furniture, with ways to deal with the tumors that grow inside their bodies because they've been breathing this air. And nobody's just backed out of the house and looked around the street or the neighborhood

and turned off the poisonous gas. That's a long-winded analogy to say this. Your body remembers the pain a mom can inflict. And then you married a guy. He's pretty good. He's the most amazing man in the entire world. So you won the lottery. That's not true.

You earned the lottery. You worked hard for this guy. And then y'all started talking about families and kids and your body sounded the alarms

because your body knows that story and it's just trying to protect you. Good on it. It's just doing its job you're not crazy and then finally you do the work that it takes to wrap your head around i'm gonna be a mom i'm gonna do this sucker differently and i know it's gonna be hard and i know it's gonna be painful and i'm gonna have to deal with crap from my past i'm gonna have to deal with stuff that comes up in the future, but I'm all in. And then you get this kind of health news. So what I'm trying to tell you is

I want you to see your house is full of poisonous gas. I want you to see you're not screwed up and you're not broken, okay? Okay. I'm going to give you a couple of things that I did. Mine was the stock market and housing in particular. After the housing collapse in 2008, 2009, I, I went bananas and I followed every financial conspiracy theory, housing conspiracy theory.

And I really, I created this weird map and all these Excel spreadsheets on how housing was going to collapse. They were going to have to nationalize housing and the government was going to own my mortgage. It was a whole big mess. And Kate, none of it was real. It wasn't true. And at the time, we owed a ton of money. I bought a house I couldn't afford. I was not in a safe job. My wife and I's marriage were falling apart. We had experienced infidelity, I mean, not infidelity, an inability to have kids for a long, long time. And my body was rattling.

And then I was blaming the housing thing. See what I'm saying? Do you believe me when I tell you that me and my family are not going to be prepping for the eclipse? I do. From what I've heard you talk about before, for sure. I believe you. And make no mistake, I've got a prep plan for just about everything, but I don't have one for the eclipse. Okay. I will probably be out on my front yard. And here's the beautiful thing. If I'm wrong, I'll be dead. I'll be dead. Right? What am I going to do about it? If doom and gloom comes after, listen, if there's a cosmic event after an eclipse, there's not a lot John Deloney is going to be able to do in a backyard garden, right? And I have two massive gardens in my house.

It's just not about this one, okay? So here's something that I did and became almost a sacred thing for me. You can do it however you want. This is just how I did it. I'm pretty lo-fi. I carried a note card with me at all times. And on the front of that note card, I was really struggling with ADHD and a bunch of stuff. I would write down my plan for the day and I would check it off. But I also kept on that note card. When I heard something, I have a real bad, I can walk through a room, I get a restaurant and I'll hear one guy be like,

well, yeah, I hear that something's about to collapse. And my body responds as though that is fact and is happening in real time, right? That's what you experienced too, right? And now anytime you think about it, even your stomach starts to drop, right? Yeah. Yeah.

I carried a note card with me and I wrote down on that note card what was just said. The US dollar is going to go away. And I would look at that and say, is this true? Probably not. Maybe, maybe, but probably not. Number two,

can I control anything about this? Yes or no? Almost every time the answer was no. And what it gave my body the ability to do was to A, acknowledge this outside of me, write it down. B, go through the mental exercise. What can I actually do here? Is a small suburban garden going to protect us if there's a cosmic event after an eclipse? No. No.

No. Just not. A bunch of coffee and cigarettes and bullets aren't either. Those are people that watch way, way, way too much TV and don't live in reality. Okay. Over time, after practicing this, my body stopped being so reactive to things I couldn't control. And it was just something I had to practice. But right now it feels good, doesn't it? It feels like you're doing, it feels like you're practicing the future. Brene Brown says it's like dress rehearsing tragedy

as though you're going to think it through and think it through and think it through. So when this thing hits, you'll be ready. Can I promise you something? You will not be ready for whatever thing may happen in the future. It's not going to be. So we're going to take it as it comes.

What's the prognosis on your endometriosis? Are they going to do surgery? They can't do surgery. It's too far advanced. So they have put me into medically induced menopause to try and starve it out for six months.

And after six months, we will try again naturally. Good wowsers. See if that works. That's a fun way to spend your 30s. Yeah. How is your outlook on life? Have they already started the hormone treatments? Yes.

I'm in my second month. Um, the week I started, I did start going to counseling just to help me monitor all that because they did say suicidal ideation was like a common side effect. So I'm going every other week, talking to a counselor just to make sure that I'm not spinning out of control.

When did you work up? When did you start getting worked up over the eclipse? Um, a couple of weeks ago. Okay. So I've seen a counselor since then and we briefly talked about it, but, um,

like this morning I woke up and I was like, well, we're one day closer. And I like, feel like I'm just trying to, like you said, it's a control thing, I think. I spent so much time being the person that was in control, not actual control, but in control of how my parents reacted to things.

You had to be. And so I think I'm just responding how I've grown up responding to things. Yeah. And you can't control this one. You can't control the endometriosis. You can't control your husband's deep, deep love for you. And he's going to be sad.

And you are too. Yeah. Part of grief. And there's going to be heartbreak and there's going to be frustration. And there's going to be all that stuff. You can't control it. It's like being out to be all that stuff. You can't control it. It's like being out in the ocean, man. You can't control those waves.

The path through the eclipse as it is, I want you to use this word with your counselor. Say, I would like to enter into some exposure therapy. Okay? And that is just... Oh, that's terrifying. Of course it is. Yeah, of course it is is but it's the only path your brain has pegged

the eclipse and anything about eclipse anything about starvation anything about calamity anything about a hurricane that happens this summer anything about anything about that

is going to set that off the only way you heal your body from getting set off, from trying to protect you, it's just doing what it was designed to do, is to head directly through the middle of that storm. That's it. And so if you had a phobia of snakes, what they would do is they would talk about a snake

for a meeting or two. You would talk about snakes, what you hated about them, what they looked like, what you thought they might feel like. Then the next meeting, they would have you draw a picture of a snake. The next meeting, they may have you with a photograph of a snake.

And you're talking about it. What would it feel like? And by the time you get done, you're holding a snake and you're laughing and smiling. You can't believe your body ever reacted like this. That's exposure therapy. It's just walking you through it.

So they're probably going to have you do some things like Google the number of apocalyptic predictions throughout time. There's a lot. That's a fun rabbit hole to go down if you ever don't have anything productive to do with your life. But you can go down that rabbit hole.

And they've all been wrong because we're all still here. And one day there will be one. There will. I'm confident. I'm also confident, at least the best I can, that it's not going to come on the back of an eclipse.

Hang on the line here. I'm going to send you two things. I'm going to send you my book, Redefining Anxiety. I'm also going to send you Own Your Past, Change Your Future for you and your husband. Okay. And I want you both to read that book. And I want you to read the anxiety book. So it'll give you some short-term and long-term things. It may be over time after you get your hormones regulated. I mean, it's going to be a while. It's going to be a messy, messy ride. That's a tough, tough road to hoe. But it may be that I need some anxiety meds for a short, short season.

It may be that I need to get another job, start a new exercise program, whatever that happens to be. But you're on a path. I'm really proud of you for calling. I'm really proud of you for considering going to your counselor and say, let's stare this sucker down. Let's stare this monster right in the face and walk right up to it. You're going to find out that monster was just smoke all along.

We'll be right back. Alright, we are back. Let's go out to Doug in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. What's up, D? Hey, how you doing, buddy? We're getting it, man. How about you? Oh, same, same. Awesome. What's up, my man? How can I help?

Uh, well, I'm having some issues. I could use some advice on how to navigate things. I'm over 600 pounds. I was almost 700. I lost 300 pounds probably almost 10 years ago, and I ended up putting it back on. And I was working at a factory, and I started getting a really bad plantar fasciitis, you know, and it kind of, it kind of led me to have to leave that job and, uh, ended up putting on like 50 more pounds than I originally had. And, uh, uh, everything, everything is just a mess right now.

I still live at home with my mom. I'm 42 years old. I work, let's see, 24 hours a month at a part-time job. And even there, I have to have assistants doing things. And I'm just at a low point to where there's so much going on that needs fixing that I don't even know where to start. Yeah, man. Sorry. No, don't even know where to start. Yeah, man. Sorry. No, don't be sorry, brother.

Yeah, and if something were to happen to my mom, I mean, I don't know where to, I don't know where, I would, I don't know, I know that I would probably be homeless within a few weeks, but I don't know, I'm just kind of lost. I've had, you know, people, you know, try to help me and everything, and I feel like i'm just i let everybody down and um i don't know i'm just i'm kind of bitter about my old self whenever i was whenever i lost all my weight and everything um life was just really starting to get good. And,

I don't know. So let me ask you this, my brother. Yeah. What do you want to be different? Snap your fingers for me. You snap your fingers for me right now what would be different I would be independent

what does that mean that's a fantasy that's like unicorns tell me exactly what that looks like I would have my own place I would have a car again I lost my car back in September it get repoed or did you wreck it yeah it got repoed place. Okay. I would, I would have a car again. I lost my car back in September.

Okay. Did it get repoed or did you wreck it? Yeah, it got repoed. Okay. And, uh, I would,

I would have enough money to be able to, uh, support myself. Okay. Um, and be able to help my friends out when they needed it. Uh, I'll be able to love people better. I'll be able to be the friend that people need. You know who...

Man. They don't make hearts like yours anymore, Doug. I try. No, man, I'm being serious That's my promise on this show I promise I'm going to tell you the truth And I'll be hard on you in a minute But I need you to hear me say it, man Like

That is not the answer I was expecting You got a heart Gold pulses through your veins, my brother That is not the answer I was expecting. You got a heart. Gold pulses through your veins, my brother. It's not normal. Yeah. And let me tell you this. The person that you have to make friends with first is who?

Myself. Doug. I can't even stand to look at myself. I know you can't. I know you can't. is who? Myself. Dog. I can't even stand to look at myself. I know you can't. I know you can't. I know you can't. When's the last time you had human touch in your life? Somebody other than your mom. Oh, God.

Hold your hand. Like, like a hug or something. Yeah. Um, oh gosh. Run somebody else. Um, I can count on one hand. Uh, since 2020, I can count on one hand and probably still have plenty of fingers to pick up.

Yeah. Yeah. So, I'm going to ask you a hard question, okay? Yeah. Are you done? What do you mean? Well, it sounds like you've reached a decision-making point.

And either way, you're going to be done yeah are you done with the first 42 it's half time you just got your butt kicked in the first half but you're all going to regroup in the locker room you're going to come out for the second half

firing on all cylinders so are you done living this life that you got? Yeah. Or are you done like, I'm cashing out, man? I'm just cashing out. Well, see, I want to be the first one, but sometimes just cashing out things, you know, it's certainly the easiest thing.

It is. Because I know this is going to be like a big, gosh, I can't keep myself together. I know it's going to be a big fight. But the war is with one person yeah the war is with Doug yeah and the beauty of going to war with yourself

is you don't have to fight yeah right yeah here's what I want you to say. I heard you rattle off weight, autonomy. I want my own place. I want to be able to serve my buddies again.

I can't work very much. And even when I do, I'm embarrassed and I feel ashamed that I get help doing this stuff. Haven't been hugged or haven't held somebody's hand in years. Right? Depressed, low, all that stuff. Your job isn't to try to fix all these things at the same time. Okay? Your job is to slowly, inch by inch, become somebody that Doug is proud of.

Now, here's the cool thing. You have lived a life the last decade that I am not strong enough to have lived. You have done immeasurably hard things. Simply moving through the world, navigating the world,

things that I do on a daily basis that I don't even give one second of thought to is a monumental task. It's something that takes high coordination and high intentionality just to do it. Yeah, like moving 30 feet even. That's what I'm talking about. It takes like a nuclear reactor to get my legs to move. That's what I'm saying. So listen to me. You are infinitely stronger than I am.

The question I have for you, and it's an old dumb internet question you probably heard a thousand times. Which heart are you going to choose, man? Because the life you live right now is really, really hard. And losing 400 pounds is really really hard and losing 400 pounds will be really hard

yeah right it's both and so it's not a matter of one being easy it's not a matter of one being simple

simpler than the other it's a matter of which heart are you going to choose because you got heart in front of you right unless you just quit and I'm going to tell you right which heart are you going to choose? Because you got a heart in front of you, right? Unless you just quit.

And I'm going to tell you right now, you're not going to quit. Because they don't make hearts like yours and I need you in this crazy screwed up world we live in because I got two little kids that are counting on people like you to make a difference. So you don't get to quit. Fair? Yeah. Definitely. Do you believe me when I tell you that?

Yeah. Okay. Doug doesn't get to quit. Doug just has to choose his heart, man. Yeah Definitely Do you believe me When I tell you that? Yeah Yeah Okay Doug doesn't get to quit Doug just has to Choose his heart man Yeah And like Sometimes

Like I think I don't know Like whenever I lost All that weight You know Sometimes That is the only thing

That gives me hope Cause I know I can do it. Of course you can. There is not a doubt in my mind. Now, can I be hard on you for a second? Yeah. What kind of role does your mom play? Someone's got to be getting you all the food someone's got to be bringing all the stuff to you somebody has a vested interest in you staying down is that your mom yeah like i'm i'm living off of like 400 not even 400 a month so and the person who is taking care of you is also using you to make herself feel better. Is that right? Yeah.

I mean, she's got shoulder issues. I mean, she can't do a lot. No, no, no. I'm talking about who's bringing you all this food, though. It's, I guess it's just a combined effort. I mean, we go to the food pantry, and when they load us up, they give us whatever we can get, you know? Okay. Do you have the internet at home?

Oh, yeah. Do you have Instagram? Yeah. All right. Do you have a pen in front of you? Let's see. Or you can type it into your phone, okay? I want you to write down the name Ethan Suplee.

E-T-H-A-N-S-U-P-L-E-E. Okay. All right? When we get off this call, I want you to subscribe to his Instagram page. And I want you to go down a rabbit hole reading every post that he writes, reading all of the captions that he writes, okay? He's one of my favorite actors who's ever lived

and I've never met the guy. But I've been so moved by his transformation from who he was to who he is now. And I think y'all have, he'll be able to speak authentically into you. Okay. Before we get off the phone, we're gonna do a couple of things. All right. Okay. Thing number one,

will you read a book if I send it to you for free? Oh, yeah. All right. I'm going to send you my book for free. I'm also going to send you my buddy Dave Ramsey's book, Total Money Makeover, for free. I'm also going to send you my company's flagship product, Financial Peace University, that teaches you how to deal with money.

I'm going to send that to you for free too. All the videos and everything. Okay? Oh, wow. But listen, I know that you're going, well, I don't got any money to even know how to manage. You will. You will. Okay?

Yeah. But here's what I want you to start experiencing is microscopic little wins. Teeny tiny little wins. Now, if I'm you, I would go hire a coach. I would hire a therapist. I would do all... You don't have that access right now because of financial constraints, correct?

Exactly. Okay. You live in a snapshot of history where the greatest minds on the planet are putting things up for free. Workout plans, nutrition plans, ideas, ways to communicate with themselves. They're just putting it up for free. Okay. I want you to begin to be your own best advocate.

And you never have been, Doug, and it's got to start today. Okay? So, I'm not a nutrition expert. I'm not someone who can walk you through where do you even start if you weigh 620 pounds. That information exists online, okay? Mm-hmm. Yeah. But you have to be determined to go get it.

Yeah. And that starts with doing something really important, okay? Yeah. You have to change the identity, man, from an overweight, obese loser who still lives with his mom, who can't even work, and some people have to help him. You got to change your identity, too.

I'm a guy who loves Doug. Yeah. And I'm a guy who treats Doug with respect and dignity. And respect and dignity means I don't poison myself anymore, both psychologically and physically with food. I'm Doug, and I believe in something bigger than myself. I've lived for decades as an obese man, and I can do hard things. I'm just going to have to do different hard things.

Do you believe me? Yeah, yeah. hard things. I'm just going to have to do different hard things. Yeah. Do you believe me? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. I just threw a bunch at you. What do you think? Am I full of crap? Are you in? No. I'm in. I'm in.

I'm definitely in. What's your weight number today? Last I weighed, it was like 627. Okay. I want you to get on a plan. An actual plan. When that number gets a four in front, I want you to just take a picture of that scale

and email it into the show, and I'm going to send you a check for $1,000. How about that? Oh, wow. Okay? Okay. Fair? Yeah, that sounds beyond fair.

All right. Also, I'm going to get you six months of free counseling Fair? Yeah That sounds Beyond fair Alright Also I'm gonna get you Six months of free counseling With my friends at BetterHelp Oh wow Okay And you're gonna have to talk to somebody But dude

You gotta do it Yeah Okay Like Yeah Like I've tried to get Like Medicaid And stuff like that.

I know. I got you. Well, I don't have you on the physical stuff, but I can take care of the other stuff for a season, okay? So I want you to talk to a counselor. It's digital, so you can do it from your phone. You can do it from your laptop, sitting in your house. You don't have to go anywhere.

He's a real licensed therapist, and I got you for six months. Cool? Wow. Yeah, definitely. And when your number on your scale has a three in front of it, it can be $399.9.

I'm going to send you a free DreamCloud king-size mattress. Change your life. Oh, wow. Cool? Wow. Yeah.

So this is what Deloney, I'm calling your bluff brother Alright If you're in we'll walk with you Yeah Let's do it Okay Yeah

Yeah You promise? I do I do Alright I love you Doug Oh thank you buddy I love y'all I I appreciate y'all.

No, you didn't hear me. You rolled it off. You are so grossed out by Doug, you can't even hear it. Doug, I love you. And I'm grateful for you. And I'm glad you're here. Thank you.

Okay? This does not start tomorrow. and I'm glad you're here. Thank you. Okay? Mm-hmm. This does not start tomorrow. This starts today. Yeah, right now. It starts right now. Yeah.

You head down the rabbit hole. I want you to have a pen and a little notebook with you next to you, and I want you to write down the things from Ethan's Instagram page that mean something to you. You may reach out to him. He may not respond because he's, he's kind of a big deal, but he's just got so many people following him. But listen,

the journey starts today, not tomorrow. Yeah. And that might be five tiny little exercises. That's day one. That might be five tiny little, here's five things I like about Doug It might take you a while

But you're going to get there Yeah Here are five changes I'm going to make With the food I put in my body And not something stupid Like I'm only eating one meal That's not sustainable We're changing our life now

Yeah Cool? Yeah Alright We'll walk alongside you man But you got to lead the way yeah cool yeah alright we'll walk alongside you man but you gotta lead the way you in? are you giving up on me? no hell no

hey I'll give you a hell no on this one Doug I'll give it to you alright hang on the line and we'll get you hooked up my brother I'm proud of you thank you for'm proud of you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for calling.

Proud of you. And, man, I can't wait to see you. That would be the happiest $1,000 check I ever write in my life. I can't wait. You in? Yeah. Yeah, I'm in. Excellent.

Excellent, excellent, excellent. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.

All right, we are back as we wrap up today's show. Man, today was a special show. It was good. It was good, man. We got three people that I think are ready to change their life. It's awesome. Awesome. Awesome. It's such an honor to be able to be one tiny little brick on the paved road of their adventure that's coming up, man. So awesome to walk alongside folks. Song of the day is for our second caller, near and dear to my heart, man. It's from the great R.E.M. and the song is, it's the end of the world as we know it Except not from an eclipse The song goes like this

That's great It starts with an earthquake Birds and snakes and aeroplane And Lenny Bruce is not afraid I have a hurricane It's the end of the world as we know it Hey, I feel fine. I love you guys.

Bye.