The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do I Talk to My Kids About Sensitive Topics?

Episode Date: May 26, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   I am concerned about my sister’s relationship. Her divorce is not even final, and she has already moved in with another man. She has two small kids and I don’t have a good feeling about him. As a conservative Christian, how do I talk to my kids about LGBTQ+ issues accurately, with Christlike compassion, and without undermining Christian teachings on the matter? My wife is working on her physical therapy degree/grad school. She is so stressed out and it is taking a toll on her mental health. How do I help her see it may not be for her? Lyrics of the Day: "Hips Don't Lie" - Shakira   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation   tags: relationships, family, kids, boundaries, sexuality/intimacy, faith, parenting, workplace/career, marriage, disagreement/conflict   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.`

On today's show, we talk to a woman who's worried about her sister's new relationship. We talk to a mom who wants to have hard conversations with her kids and herself. And we talk to a man whose wife is overwhelmed with grad school, and he may or may not be the problem. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up, good folks? I'm John, and this is the Dr. John Deloney Show. Thanks for hanging out with us. There's about 11 billion other podcasts you can be listening to, and you chose this one, and we are so glad you're here.

We talk about relationships, mental health, life, education, parenting, marriage, what's left of your everything we can think of, grief, all of it. If you want to be on this show, I'd love to talk to you directly, personally. I'd love for you to be able to tell your story to all the listeners out there. So give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or you can go to not www, but just johndeloney.com slash show, because it is the 21st century. Fill out the form, and it will go to Kelly,

and she is the gatekeeper of my life. Now listen, one of the things that drives me bananas over the last, I don't know, 25, 30 years is this obsession that we have with using machines and computers as analogies for people. And I'm trying to think of like, he really downloaded that information or, um, what's another one guy, like just a computer analogy or yeah, we got our wires crossed or, um, this is, you know, downloading new info into your mind. I just don't like it because it ends up, we end up treating each other like machines or like computers. But last night, I think I experienced something that makes me rethink all that. So I was trying to put my five-year-old daughter to bed and I was like,

I need to brush your hair. I like the hair brushing process. It gives me an opportunity to touch her on the face, to calm everybody down, tell some jokes and to listen to whatever story she's got for the day. Her stories are awesome. And she wouldn't come to where I could brush her hair. So I handed her the brush. I was like, hey, you do it. And then I came back and she was off gallivanting around the house. Our house isn't that big. There's not a lot of gallivanting that can be done, but she was jumping, flying, running thing around. And I said, hey, come here. I need to brush your hair. So she started walking my direction and then I got distracted and then all of a sudden it would turn into the third time

and I was like, hey, I need you to come here so I can brush your hair and you can go to bed. And she whipped around and looked at me with all the sincerity she could muster in her tiny five-year-old little body. And it wasn't like she was playing. This is like came from her soul. And she looked at me with this sense of longing and passion and frustration. And so here's how it all went. Hey, I need you to come here so I can brush your hair.

This is the third time I've asked. But daddy, I'm an owl. And evidently my brain has a pause button because it just stopped working. I didn't have an answer to that. I didn't know what to, I just looked at her and then she just turned and I guess in her head flew, but I watched her walk and then she just went and got in bed and I probably should have had some sort of response but I didn't know what to say because in my brain when I say hey come over here let me brush your hair

there is a multiple layered response like okay dad since you're the dad I'll come do what you say or no I don't like you and then there's like choose your own adventure that way or there's well can I get a snack there's all kinds of things but passionately decrying dad, I'm an owl. I don't really know what to say. So for everyone who I've, I've hurt your feelings about the computers and machine thing, I may be wrong.

I think my brain is a machine because it clearly stopped working for a moment last night. And it just sort of rebooted this morning. Can I see what I did there? Just came back online? Now we're talking. Oh, man. So we've got an action-packed adventure show today. That's kind of probably overdramatic,

but we do have some awesome calls lined up here. Let's go to Amy in Raleigh, North Carolina. Good morning, Amy. How are you doing? Hey, John. I'm doing well. How are you? Awesome.

Hey, do you have any little kids? Well, I have four kids. Yeah, they're 11 and under. Oh, good God almighty. So you're in it. So listen, do they ever say anything and your brain just pauses for a minute? Absolutely. Okay, well, good. I'm feeling like I'm losing it. So I'm so happy that you said that. And I don't even know why you're calling, so let's get to that.

So what's going on, Amy? How can I help? Well, I would like some guidance on how I can express my concerns to my sister about her rapidly advancing relationship. Her rapidly advancing relationship. So is she in love with somebody that you don't like? Yes, but there's a lot of details surrounding it that are highly concerning to me. Okay, go for it. Well, she discovered in February that her husband of nine years was having an affair.

And by the end of the month, she had made contact with new people and found a person from her past. She didn't really know well, but like, you know, over 15 years ago, she knew this person. And within a week, they had met again. We live on opposite sides of the country. So she flew across the country to meet this person. And then within a week or a week and a half after that, they're professing love for each other. And he's planning to move in with her. And she has two small children.

And he's going to move all the way back across the country to go move in with her and her children. And my husband and I met him also. And all of our sirens were going off that this is not a person we trust. Hey, this guy won the lottery, man. Some old girlfriend reached out to him and is like, hey, we trust hey this this guy won the lottery man some old girlfriend reached out to him and is like hey you want free rent and me and he was like okay okay yeah this

worked out great for him huh right right and he's like he's um eight or nine years older than her he seems kind of a mess you know he rents an apartment with some other person who kind of seems to want him out. And then my sister comes in and I don't even, last I talked to her, she still hadn't filed divorce papers yet. Her current husband has already moved out. And so she's just ready to move this guy right in. And of course, being the sister that I am, I went down to the courthouse and looked up his records and I didn't find things that were great. And I even discovered a lawsuit where he was sued for basically not getting out of a place. I don't know the details surrounding, but all of it's very concerning.

And she has a two- and a four-year-old, and I'm just—I don't want her to think that I am not happy for her. I'm worried if I say something or— I don't want to say something wrong, you know, where he'll tell her, manipulate her and make her think, oh, they're just jealous of our love, that kind of thing. Yeah. Wow. That's a mess. How long was your sister married for? I think about nine years. Okay. Yeah. You said that. How good is y'all's relationship? I think it's really good. We're really close. So have you, when you've kind of hinted around this or asked like, really? Is this what we're doing?

How has she responded? I've raised a few concerns. She's kind of in a mode where she's not like herself. She's very much in a mode where she's not like herself. She's very much like a different person, and I think she just thinks it's hard for people to understand. So she's like, okay, it's really hard for people to wrap their minds around the fact that I'm in love and I've got this fairytale man. And I'm like, I don't know. I don't think that's so...

Okay, so here's a couple things I would throw out for her sake. And then, I'll give you some of my thoughts here. I'm smiling because everyone who falls in love, especially after a heartbreak or a tragedy, they look around and it's so intoxicating that they think everyone else is crazy. And it's so hard because as someone who loves someone in that situation, we often just have to ride it out, right? And it's so painful because you know how it's going to end. You know how it's going to end, right? Yeah. So, sometimes I give people a pass on the quick turnaround time

after something like this. And here's why there are chances that her marriage has been dead for years and it may have, or been on life support for years. And so she may have had one foot, one half of her heart, two feet out the door and not even realized it for a long, long time. And then it just takes something like this big reveal, which she may have known about, maybe not intellectually, but she knew it in her soul. Or she did know about it or she just blindsided, right? Which makes this a super trauma. The whole thing's traumatic regardless, but it may have been dead for a long time so often when we see a this is different than somebody passes away in a car wreck right um where it literally just snap your fingers is over this may have been running for a long time that still doesn't make this wise at all, right? So, my question for you is, what is your or what statement here? So, let's

say you get the courage and it would be hard, right? You get the courage, you go sit down with her, you look her in the eye and say, I think you're making a terrible mistake. Absolutely bonkers terrible mistake. And she says, I hate you. You're the worst sister ever. You've never loved me or supported me. In fact, my husband cheated on me because of your fault. I mean, just all the stuff she could throw at you. What is your or what statement? Are you going to disassociate yourself from her? Are you going to back down from her? Or are you just feeling powerless right now because you're going to still love her? She's still going to be your sister. You're still going to hang out with her and you're just watching a slow motion car wreck. Which one of those is it?

It's definitely the latter. Okay. So you don't have like an or what or if then statement? No. Okay. So if somebody's at a point where I'm about to draw a real firm boundary that I know might really impact this relationship in a negative way. That's one conversation. This conversation is a little bit different. It's a little bit easier and a little bit harder for you. Okay?

Here's my recommendation. I would take her out somewhere and get her to tell you about this guy. Why is he so wonderful? And you can ask the gentle questions about, this seems super fast and I'm concerned and I love you. And then the final statement, I learned this from one of my counseling professors, Dr. Hendricks, and I love it, which is, I'm worried about you and your future, but you're a grownup and I want you to know I'm going to be here when things are great. I'm going to be here when things are great, I'm going to be here when things are hard, and I'm going to be here if things completely fall

apart. And I'm always going to be concerned for those kids. And so, if you ever need anything, let me know. And what that does is it rings a bell for some folks that you're not trying to judge them, that you are literally walking alongside them and you just recognize that they let your hand go. And some folks are like, okay, whatever, dude. But then they remember that when things fall apart, and it may be two months, three months, seven months, or seven years, but that you will be the first call they can make. And beyond that, there's not a lot you can do, which is really, really scary. Do you think this guy is unsafe for those kids, or does he just look like a bum?

I don't know. I don't, I wouldn't let him around my children. Okay, so why not? Why not? That's a bold statement. I told her that if they come and, you know, visit, you know, who's going to move in, then they were, because she lives in Arizona. I'm in North Carolina. Oh, so you're far apart.

Okay. Right. And he lives here in North Carolina, so he's moving out there with her. So they had talked about coming to visit this summer. We said, of course, they can stay with us. But then after we met him, I can't put my finger on it. But both my husband and I were like, we can visit with him. We can have a cookout with him.

He is not staying in our home. And we're not generally closed off like that, but we have four kids. And I'm like, I wouldn't trust him near my children. And so. So what is it? What's the thing? What's the thing? I wouldn't a thousand percent trust your intuition here.

Right. I never push back on this intuition, but I'm wondering, what is it? I think part of it, I mean, there's something about his essence or something. His essence. And part of it is the control he's been able to, you know, kind of exert over my sister and make her very different. And she's my older sister. She's always been responsible, very financially independent, very intelligent. Um, and he's had this effect on her

and I'm, you know, she's behaved differently around her own children. You know, when I, when I hear her talk to them and it's just concerning that what could happen in that home now that boyfriend's kind of the center and the obsession um i i just worry yeah like it would i don't know like would they be taken care of like could he hurt them you know so so yeah my mom signals are going crazy yeah and all the things you just said are are the answers yes he could hurt him and if their mom is i love the word he's a drug right now right she word, he's a drug right now, right? She's grieving, he's a drug. And if mom is willing to do drugs with kids in the house, then yeah, he could hurt them. He's going to have access. So yes, as your sister, as her sister, as a responsible citizen, right? As their aunt,

yeah, you got to keep that antenna up, you know up to make sure that things are safe and that you're not hearing anything bonkers or weird. And they're so, so little and so young. It's not like you can call them on a side conversation like if they were teenagers. So based on that, I might have a little more direct conversation with her, a little harder conversation about, hey, what are you doing? This is not smart and not wise. And maybe tell her, I love you so much. I'm willing to cause a rift in our relationship right now, but this is not smart and not wise and not safe.

You don't know this guy and moving in is too soon, too fast, right? You could try that. It's probably not going to work. It's probably going to be messy. But at least when this thing starts getting, the rails start coming off, she'll know that you love her. But again, sometimes if you make yourself so unsafe, she'll feel like she's got no one to call. But we are just, so I'm more interested in a long-term relational play here. But yeah, at the end of the day, you can't do anything about this. That's the hard part. You can have a gentle conversation.

You can have a flexed conversation. You can have an angry, I'm the aunt of these kids. I don't trust this guy. Something about him is not ringing true to me. It's not safe. What are you doing? Any three of those situations may work. They probably won't.

And what you're going for now is a long-term relational play, like I said, so that she reaches out that the kids aren't safe, that they aren't doing okay, that they're being neglected, they're being treated bad. You call every alarm that you know, you call every person, every community member, every police officer, you call everybody and make sure those kids are safe and taken care of. Okay. I hate this for you and your family. This is hard. This is a mess. Stay with your sister and make sure that she knows that you love her. And take care of yourself because this is going to get heavy. So you and your husband, instead of sitting over there just having all these judgment conversations, that guy sucks and what's she doing? Check in with each other. Hey, how are you doing on this? Because I know this is

hard. I know you love your sister. And give each other spaces to be frustrated, give each other spaces to be sad and to grieve this. And then to go about controlling things you can control. And you can't control knuckleheaded older sisters for sure. Thank you so much for that call, Amy. Hey, what's up? I want to take a quick break to talk about the most important question I'm asked almost every day. How do I find a counselor? If you can't find a counselor in your area or you can't afford one, I've got a solution for you. I've partnered with BetterHelp for customized online therapy, video chat, text chat, phone counseling. It's a licensed therapist whenever and wherever you need them. Go to betterhelp.com slash Deloney for 10% off your first month. It's cheaper and it's available all the time. This is for you,

your family, and for everyone else that's coming your way. Take care of your mental health. Go to betterhelp.com slash deloney today. All right, let's go to Monica in Salt Lake City. Monica, good morning. How are we doing? I'm doing okay. How are you? Just rocking and and rolling figuring it out awesome so what's up how can i help so as a conservative christian how do i teach my kids accurate information on lgbtq plus issues while maintaining biblical teachings on the subject oh that's a great question um so dig into that a little bit tell me what's behind that um just my one of my kids is getting older and how old um a 10 okay and it's something that's going to start coming up more and more as she gets older i want her to have um good information so she can know you know what other people might be

going through if it comes up for her what she might might be going through. And, you know, just so that we can raise them with a Christlike compassion to where they can love, have the love of God in all mankind. Number one, I love your heart here, man. It's so good to hear. There feels like there's another side to this. So, are you afraid that teaching them hospitality is going to set them up in a, like, what's the other, the or what part of this? The or what part of it is probably, you know, okay, this sounds terrible, but, you know,

what if they come out? What kind of mom am I going to be? Am I going to mourn that and not support them? You know, obviously, they're young. I don't know. They don't know. But if it does come up when they're older, you know, how do we navigate that if that comes up? So is this more about you wanting to teach them? Is this more about you prepping for a conversation that almost pre-worrying about a situation that may or may not come down the road someday yeah and then my own i'm trying to navigate through my own discomfort with the issue as well well number one i appreciate you being honest and being brave um early on in the show we received a

number of phone calls and i i finally just asked on this topic and when I was still practicing, so those shows didn't air just because I was terrible to know what I was doing. But one time I just asked, hey, why are you calling me? Like, why don't you ask your friends? And the response was haunting. The response was, Deloney, I got nobody to ask. And I've just been so fortunate to have such great community over the years and so I'm so grateful that you reached out. I know so many folks are working through this and thinking through these things and wanting to be graceful and loving.

So to answer your first question, you're going to love your kid. The fact that you're calling lets me know that you're going to love your kid. The fact that you're calling lets me know that you're going to love your kid. Every mom, every dad on planet earth has this imaginary picture for their child of what that's going to look like. And 99.9% of them are wrong, right? They're not going to look that way. And it's not just on this topic. In fact, it's really on this topic. It's about, I wanted him to be a baseball player or a lawyer or a doctor, or I thought they were going to marry somebody with dark hair or blonde hair, whatever the thing is. And so if this comes up, A, you're going to love your kid.

B, you're going to mourn the picture that you had in your head. It just plopped in there. Whether society put it in there, you put it in there, your parents put it in there, whatever it ever came from, right? My wife talks about this future Thanksgiving table someday. And when our kids come home from college and yada, and I just smile because it's not going to happen, but it's so fun to think about, right?

So both of those things can be true. So here's my thoughts, and I'm going to be as honest as I can. I've got a lot of LGBTQ friends, and I've got a lot of community members. I mean, that's been my world is hospitality over the last 10, 15, 20 years. So, your impulse is first is right. It's hospitality first. Like, just understand how hard it is for folks, whatever they're walking through each day. It's just hard, right?

The second thing is you can't undermine Christian teaching. You can undermine your faith's witness. And what I mean by that is as a Christian person, and I'm one too, so I'll speak to the preacher, the choir here. We have to hold in our hands this idea that we are looking for truth and trying to feel and read and be taught truth. And at the same time, recognize that throughout history, we've been wrong a lot. And we've been right a lot. We do a lot of good in the world, Christian communities. A lot, a lot of good.

And we've been really, really wrong. And so what I have shifted over the last decade is less of a focus on I'm being right on all these topics and issues and shifted way more towards everybody's welcome at Deloney's house. Everybody's welcome at my table. And we will navigate relationships together. We will navigate topics together. But every one of those quote unquote, what's the right answer will always be done in relationships right um and then just for whatever it's worth for you there are so many there's such a diverse array of faith-based voices out there now um when you said conservative christian that means 50 different things to 50 different people i'm interested in your definition. What does that mean to you? I think it means more, I guess, traditional Christian. Okay.

So, I'll even push that. So, what does that even mean? You've got John Wesley and John Calvin and Martin Luther and the Catholic community. That means so many things. That's true. What does that mean? So, I guess when I say conservative Christian to this topic, I mean, you know, sorry, this is a hard topic because, you know, I feel like the worst person ever having my viewpoints being kind of behind. Hey, hold on for a second. Hold on a second.

You're not the worst person and here's why. You're asking questions. You are asking questions and you are wrestling with hard things, right? So, you're not the worst person, and here's why. You're asking questions. You are asking questions, and you are wrestling with hard things, right? So you're not the worst person, right? If you were yelling on the side of the street, throwing rocks at people, then I would lump you into, that's not a cool category. But the fact that you're asking questions makes you a truth seeker, and the fact that you're asking relationships to people, and not to Alexa, tells me you want relationships. And those are, that's, I mean, that's the two greatest things a person can be doing right now. So, good for you, okay? So, go ahead. So, you know, traditionally, marriage, ideally, is between a man and woman. I mean,

ideally, like, if I have friends who are in that community and get married, you know, I'll go to their wedding. Great for them. This is, you know, totally happy for them. You know, but just, again, marriage between men and women is ideal. I think that's what I mean by conservative Christian. So, just the picture of marriage there. Yeah. Okay. And let's, like, in the relationship stuff and everything up and down and middle schoolers being asked to declare and what's the right this and what's the right that.

What I want to always push you back towards, which is, this is where you're at, by the way, is relationship and hospitality, right? And focusing less on having all the right answers and having all of the deepest relationships possible. Here's the challenging thing. We have decided some things in our faith communities over the years over all those different branches of Christianity for what that means. And we have focused on some things, not focused on other things, chosen some things, not chosen. Every group has different thoughts and threads that run through it. Sexual stewardship is a big one. Giving is a big one. Hospitality is a big one. Loving your neighbor as yourself is a big one, right? And so for you and your family, for you and your faith community,

defaulting to relationship and hospitality, don't be scared of yourself and what might happen with your kid someday. I can tell you right now, you're going to love your child. Y'all may have hard conversations and a spoiler alert, even if your kid ends up not being a member of the LGBT community, you're still going to have a ton of hard conversations together, right? Yeah. What is it about yourself that you don't trust about compassion, about care? Because you sound like a loving person. You sound almost like you're ashamed of asking hard questions.

You know, it probably goes back to the way I was raised. I was raised by, unfortunately, people who weren't as loving. And so I guess it's, you know, kind of ingrained in me to be judgmental and less loving. And I don't want to be that person. You know, that's not in me who I am, but it's kind of part of me at the same time because it's what I grew up with. But here's what's making me smile right now

and you can't see it, but I'm smiling real big because chances are the folks who raised you did the best they could with the tools they had in their toolkit, right? And they did the best they could with what they knew with the air they were breathing and the water they were drinking. And what you're doing is, like that old Maya Angelou quote, you do the best that you can, and then when you know more, you do better. And that's what you're trying to do, right?

You're trying to be less dogmatic and more in love with people. It doesn't mean that we throw all the baby out in the bathwater. There is some ways of living that we got to hang on to, right? There is some discipline and accountability and quote unquote, right ways of living. There are. And I'll go to task with anybody who says, no, dude, it's just whatever you feel, bro. It's all cool. It's not all cool. It's a mess, right? But all of that starts in relationship. And I don't know what to tell you other than I think you are absolutely on the right track. And here's the thing, the right track doesn't mean that you and I end up believing the same things on everything. It does mean that we end up with an understanding we're going to treat people with respect and dignity

wherever they happen to fall. Does that make sense? Yeah, that makes sense. So I don't know that I'm answering your question as much as affirming you Yeah, that makes sense. off and arguments you may have thought you have won with this new person who's looking at their 10-year-old thinking, you are inheriting a totally different world than I come from, and I don't know any way forward other than to lead on love and relationship. Yes, with discipline. Yes, with finding truth and rightness as best as we possibly can. But man, it is love and relationship first, and then we figure out the rest as we go.

I think your kids are lucky to have you as their mom. One of the greatest gifts, listen, one of the greatest gifts, Monica, my mom and the dad have given me is the fact that they were both super conservative Christians over time. I would still consider them super conservative Christians. And I can't tell you the number of times they've told me I changed my mind. I was wrong on this and I need to think about it this way now. And that over the particular issue, that's the greatest gift. That I look at them and they're in their seventies now and they hold really firm to some truths and they have said, I changed my mind on this one. Or I'm still wrestling with this one.

I changed my mind. I changed it back. And now I'm thinking about changing it again. All of it has been this loop. But for me, like I said, less than this is the way. It has been, here's how we're going to approach it. We're going to try to figure it out. We're going to always be trying to read something that makes us uncomfortable.

We're going to always be trying to read something that makes us uncomfortable. We're going to always be trying to have hard conversations. We're going to always be meeting with the least of these and the marginalized and those who are hurting in our communities, whoever and wherever they end up being. And then we're going to try to wrap our heads around what that means in light of this ancient text that we hang on to. And we're going to be challenged and frustrated and ask hard questions. And we're going to come back to love. And we're going to get angry. And we're going to have to look at our neighbor and say, hey, I totally disagree with you.

I actually, at the end of the day, have worked hard on this. And I think this is a universal truth here. But come over and have a glass of wine. And we're going to figure it out. You're always welcome at my house. And man, I think your kids are lucky to have you, Monica. Thank you so much for your heart. All right, let's take one more call. You're always welcome at my house. And, man, I think your kids are lucky to have you, Monica. Thank you so much for your heart.

All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to Paul in Carson City. Paul, what's up, brother? Not much. How are you? Man, we are rocking and rolling, dude. What's going on, man? Hey, so my question is about my wife. So she is about a year away from finishing her undergraduate degree.

Okay. And following that, she wants to go to physical therapy school. And that's three more years of school, which is probably gonna be a lot harder and more time consuming. But my question is, she really hasn't handled her undergraduate degree super well emotionally. It's been really, really hard on her. When she's doing her schoolwork, she gets really stressed out. When she doesn't get grades, she gets emotional. It's been really hard for her.

I'm worried that if she goes on to do three more years of school, that it will take a toll on her mental health. And my question is, how can I help her to understand that she needs to do what's best for her happiness? And if she does go on to physical therapy school, how can I help her to handle school more calmly so her life isn't miserable for four more years? Sounds like this has been really hard on you i mean yeah tell me about that well yeah just like you know when she's studying she's very irritable and um hard to deal with you know, she doesn't want me around when she's studying sometimes. So, hey, hold on.

Listen, did you hear all the things you just said? You said she doesn't want you around. She gets irritable when you're around. It sounds like you might be the problem, not school. Push back on that uh like are you creating a like a safe like fun lively environment for her and then a quiet safe environment for her to study get through this stuff or are you somebody who's like, why don't you just do it like this? How long is this taking? Why are you taking so long? It doesn't matter. You just got to be, dude, shake it off.

Which one of those guys are you? No, I definitely try my best to, you know, provide a safe place for her to study and learn. And I support her in everything she does. And I don't, I don't criticize her for studying too long or anything like that. I mean, I'm definitely there trying to help her navigate school as best as she can. More of her problem is she's more of a perfectionist, you know, and she wants to be perfect in school. And like I i said if she doesn't get super good grades and it's really hard on her okay so at the end of the day you can't i mean you can't there's nothing there's there's nothing you can say to her to be like hey why don't you be less perfectionist

and she'll be like oh you know what you're right i'll shake that off um what you can do is provide a space for her to get really excited when she gets good grades and to get really frustrated when she doesn't get good grades and then to come back and bounce back you can like being in school together is hard man my wife and i both were in grad school together, and then I went back to school, and we had two kids. I mean, it's a mess, dude. It's hard. Sometimes, folks' temporary happiness, like when they're going through grad school, the happiness is the growing season, right? It's like doing squats. Nobody likes doing squats.

But you know that when you're pushing that hard, the benefit on the back end is going to be so great, right? Same as grad school, dude. Same as any school. And when you're invested, you do get emotional and it is hard and you do lean into it. And so I would be willing to bet, dude, and this isn't me trying to clown on you. This is me like talking to myself 10 years ago, 15 years ago, I bet you've got a lot of solutions and recommendations and thoughts and answers for her. And right now she's just trying to get through school. And that ends up, you end up becoming almost another assignment for her because she's got

to make sure that you're okay too. And she's got to make sure that she's still fill in the blank X, Y, and Z too. And that becomes so heavy and so much. And so I'd love for you to create a universe where y'all could go out one day and talk about what the future looks like. Have y'all done that? Why does she want to be a physical therapist? What world is she trying to create there um well she has always had that goal you know since she was a little girl she talks about that's been one of the things she's always

wanted to do um i always wanted to be a baseball player until somebody threw the ball like 90 miles an hour by me then i was like no i'm good with that i'm not gonna not gonna it's gonna be the job for me so it's got to be more than I've wanted to do it for a long time. Something else is driving her. Yeah. The other thing I would say is she, before we got married, you know, we always talked about this. She has, she thought,

she was scared that her getting married at such a young age would, might stop her from reaching that goal too. It's been hard for me to really show her. We haven't been married for that long. We've been married for about five months. It's been hard for me to show her that I'm truly supportive of her goals and I'm going to do everything that I can

to help her reach that goal. But bro, it doesn't sound like you are. Sounds like you want her just to like, dude, just get your degree and let's go do something else. And just be honest with yourself. Is that the case? No, no, really, John. I mean, I really want her to do that, and I want to see her happy and reach her goals. Does she have permission to quit?

To quit? Yeah. Yeah? Does she know that if she was like, hey, I don't want to go to grad school anymore, that you would hug her just the same as if she's like, man hey I don't want to go to grad school anymore that you would hug her just the same as if she's like man I can't wait to go to grad school oh yeah

definitely a few months ago my wife's working through some stuff she's been reading a lot on some new topics on some new like just existential stuff

and I won't go into the details because it's personal but at one point i said hey listen if you end up over here thinking this i'll still love you and we'll have so much fun with it it'd be a wild adventure and her shoulders just dropped and i didn't realize how much she was carrying around not only what she was wrestling with, but what my reaction would be to what she was wrestling with. That she was also carrying what's going to happen if I land over here or over here or over here, or if I keep my same thoughts on these things I'm thinking through

and working through, what's my husband going to think? What's he going to do? Is he still going to love me the same? Is he going to stick around? Is he, you know, all those things that just start to spin out and get crazy. Right. Yeah. And y'all have been married for five months. How much,

how long did y'all date before this? Um, a little over a year. How old are you? I'm 23. How old is she? She's 21. Okay.

So here's what I want you to do, man. I want you to, take her out this week. Okay? And I want you to take a piece of paper and tell her some idiot on the radio told you to do this. I want you to write down with her sitting there watching you all the things that you love about her the way she moves her mouth when she laughs the way she leaves glasses all over the place the way all these little idiosyncrasies five months in all these things that you love about her that you love her drive where she's going the fact that she is trying to get through school as a 21 she is just she is beating herself up over it.

And then I want you to write with her sitting there. I want you to hold that pen and I want you to ask her, what are ways I can love? We're five months in. What are ways I can love you best? And let her tell you. And so you got to go first. You can set this table here, right? and let her tell you. And so you got to go first.

You can set this table here, right? But then I want you to let her speak into it. And I don't want you to ask her, what are the things you love about me, man? I want you just to make this completely about her, her and her. And I want you to hold that pen and look her in the eye and say, how can I love you? Because I want to be so good at it.

And then when she asks questions like, well, why are you asking this? Whatever it'd be like, you talk to yourself in a way that drives me crazy. Cause I would never let some dude at a bar talk to you the way you talk to yourself. And so I want to create a world where you can talk so good about yourself. Sometimes I think you love school and can't wait to go to grad school. Sometimes I think you don't like school anymore. You're burnt out, but you feel this drive and I want to keep loving you and supporting you. How can I best do that? And that ends up becoming a really good entry point into this conversation. Because if you just show up tonight and say, hey, dude, why don't you just quit school, dude? Don't go to grad school. Her worst fear has become true.

Yeah. And if you just sit on the couch with a video controller in your hand, and I'm just picking on you, dude. I don't know if that's true. And she's studying and studying and studying. You're like, keep going, babe. You're doing good from the other room. That's not helpful either. Right? I want you to get really tactical and practical and show her. Don't just tell her, show her you're all in. You're five months. and then you've got to be okay in your heart. What if she says, dude, I really, really want to go to grad school and be a physical therapist really bad? You've got to look up and realize there's going to be three more years of your life.

You're going to be 26 years old. If she says that, Paul, are you in? Yeah. All in? I'm all in. That's so good, man. You love this girl? I love her so much she's awesome what does what does she's awesome mean i mean she's just really the perfect girl for me i mean

we get along super great and um we have fun together and we have goals to just create a happy life together and I'm just trying to figure out how I can help her to be the happiest she can be. All right, so let's stop using the word happy and let's use the word joyful and here's the difference. Happy means anything uncomfortable we do away with. Any season or period of discomfort or hard stuff, we try to cover up and wallpaper over. Joyful means we sacrifice, we work really hard for a good night's sleep, for peace, for long-term goals, right? And so I don't want you to focus on making her happy. In fact, there's a lot of research out and there's a real big study that just came out like last week or this week that the harder you chase happy, the less happy overall in

your life you become. I think it's a Western pathology, right? We have made the pursuit of happiness our God and it's killing us. Slowly but surely, diseases of despair, dude. We're collapsing under the weight of, I need to be happy, I need to be happy, which we've moved to, I need to be comfortable, which means I need to have everything the way I like it, right? I'm not saying that's you, I'm saying that's us as a culture. And so, I don't want you to focus on her happiness. I want you to focus on her joy. And that means she's going to have hard workouts.

That means she's going to have hard seasons where she's in grad school or have hard seasons of mourning when she decides to quit grad school. And you're going to be there to hold her arms up when she's tired. You're going to be there to make sure the dishes and laundry is done for three years because she's running and gunning, doing clinicals and working so hard. You're going to be there for her and there for her and there for her. And she's going to be there for you too. This is not that one-sided of a thing, right?

Y'all are both in this together here, but I want to make sure that she knows that you are all, all in. And give her permission to quit and give her permission to keep going. And if you don't have the tools, I know in your heart and spirit and mind, you want to be the guy that makes sure she's supported, but you may not have those tools. I did not. I did not have those tools. My tools were do whatever you want. I'm out of here.

And I've had to learn them and learn them and learn them again and then learn them again. And just a few weeks ago, a couple months ago, I just said it. I'll still love you no matter what. And it was like, watching my wife exhale is both beautiful and it breaks my heart. Because usually the tension she holds is something that I haven't given her. So start with a dinner. Start with a blank piece of paper and a pen. All the things you love about her.

And then ask her, how can you love her better five months in? Start building those foundations. Don't whine. Don't complain. Get to work. Get to work. Y'all are building something special, brother. And then plan what your future is going to look like.

Not just, I want to make you happy. What is this going to look like? Paint a really clear picture together, and then y'all work towards it. All right, brother. Thank you so much for your call, man. You're a good guy, Paul. You're a good guy. Month five is hard. Getting married at 23 is hard, brother. Hang in there. Hang in there. All right. As we wrap it up, let's do this one, dude. Because sometimes, you just got to go with the truth. And the truth is that in 2005, partnering with Wyclef Jean,

Shakira dropped to magic. She dropped to magic. Because you know why? Hers, mine, James, Kelly's, all of us, our hips don't lie. It's released in 2005. Shakira writes this masterpiece

just like this. Ladies up in here tonight, no fighting. We got the refugees up in here. No fighting. No fighting. Shakira, Shakira. She said her own name twice in the first line of her own song. How dope is that? I never really knew that she could dance like this. She make a man want to speak Spanish. Como se llama? Si. Bonita? Si. Mi casa, su casa. Shakira. Shakira. Again, her own name twice. Poets, how do you like that? Oh baby,

when you talk like that, You make a woman go mad So be wise, see and keep on, see Reading the signs of my body Uno, dos, tres, cuatro That's one, two, three, four For you non-Spanish speaking poets I'm on tonight You know my hips don't lie

No fighting I'm starting to feel it right All the attraction, the tension Don't you see, baby? This is perfection And this has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.