The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do I Tell My Husband That I Want More Sex?

Episode Date: February 1, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A woman who doesn’t know how to tell her husband she wants to have more sex - John’s thoughts on why we’re so obsessed with being busy - A mom stuck repeating the abuse she received as a child with her own kids Find "Come As You Are" by Dr Emily Nagoski here and "The Body Keeps Score" by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk here. Lyrics of the Day: "Dirty Work" - Steely Dan  Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm spanking my kids out of anger. I need help. I don't know how to stop. I wish there was some more sophisticated thing that I'm about to tell you, but Nicole, stop. I do not buy for one second

that you can't just help yourself. It just happens that I don't buy it. Yo, yo, yo, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, I'm so glad that you're with us. So grateful that you're here. We're talking about mental health, marriage, relationships, whatever's going on, man. Your sex life, you're just going on your kids' schools. We talk about it all on this show. And it's the best mental health and marriage podcast that has ever existed. Ever. I'm so glad that you are hanging out with us, man. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz.

1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291.'re going to leave a message and jenna will call you back and we'll get you booked on the show um also huge uh help if you will just hit the subscribe button hit the subscribe button the five-star reviews the whole thing and ah it burns in my soul to say this out loud but follow me on instagram and tiktok oh my gosh i don't have an instagram and a tiktok account but follow me on those on those in those newfangled adventures and we will we're gonna we're gonna make the world right we're gonna make the world right all right let's go to britney in salt lake city What's up, Brittany? Hey, Dr. John. How are you? Good.

What are you doing? Well, I'm not on Instagram or TikTok because I don't have an account. So I'm sorry. I can't follow you on there. Listen, ridiculous, number one. Number two, thank God. You're probably the most adjusted. I should be calling you.

I should be because you know how life works. That's good, man. So what's up? Um, well, today I'm looking for ways to, um, make friends and long lasting connections. Um, I have huge trust issues and when it comes to creating relationships. Okay. How do I overcome that? Tell me more. So I think what it comes down to is, you know, when I was a child, my dad was an alcoholic and he would leave for hours, maybe even days. And so, you know, being a child, I'm guessing that just, you know, it stuck with me, you know, he was a big part of my life, a huge relationship that I had and he would just up and leave. And so I've always struggled with that through, you know, grade school, anytime I had a friend and I started feeling like, you know, they

were kind of pulling away, I, I would push them out of my life before they could pull away. Okay. Um, because if I hurt, if I just leave the relationship, then they don't have a chance to hurt me. Yeah. And so I feel like I'm still doing it today and it's not even just friends, but it's, you know, it can be family members or um are you married yes I am do you do this too to yes I yeah how come yeah and I

so here's the and I ask you how come um one of the cardinal questions to never ask somebody in counseling is like, why, why you do that? Right. Or how come you did that? Here's one. We're not, this isn't therapy.

Like I'm just some lame podcaster. So that's number one. But the, the bigger overarching issue is you've actually thought through this and you've probably been a counseling before you've done the work, you know? And so at this point as an adult, this and you've probably been to counseling before you've done the work you know and so at this point as an adult you're choosing to continue this behavior or it may be so automated

you're choosing to not seek alternative actions and thoughts that you know will make your life better so i ask you why aren't you choosing that? I think I'm just scared. Of what? Cause you've lost people. Yeah. I'm just creating the relationship in general. Like I'll go to the gym and I'll notice, you know, a girl comes up and says hi. And as she seems to be interested in being my friend and I will get out of there as fast as possible. Okay. And I feel uncomfortable. It hurts almost. The suckiest part about your path forward

is the only way to healing is through this. You can't go around it anymore. Anxiety's got this bizarre self-reinforcing mechanism that makes it amazing. If your body gets anxious about something, let's say there's like basketball goals

make you really anxious. Really anxious. And then you start to walk near a park that's got a basketball goal and your heart starts beating real fast and like you said, it starts burning. Like your your body's like hot like I gotta get out of here and you run And you think I can never go in that park again, it's got a basketball goal Your anxiety actually did its job

It kept you from what it had identified as a threat as something scary as something that would hurt and kill you And so it won and so it actually reinforces itself it gets stronger like ah that's how we keep her out of there and the only way through it is in in the nerd world it's exposure there like you've you have to go slowly be introduced to basketball goals until you can walk into that situation and your body doesn't respond and go to war because it realizes that's safe. I tell you that to tell you when it comes to people, when it comes to relationships, the only way through where you are is a choice that I am not going to push somebody away just because I have a different attachment style just because

when I'm used to when my feelings were heard somebody left or if I There was a fight. I didn't think they were coming back And so now when you get in a fight with your husband I don't think he's coming back as your body's default mode. It just instantly goes there And so you go ahead and accelerate the process and kick his butt out right yeah and you're gonna lose your husband fair right yeah fair you're gonna go through life pretty lonely fair yeah i'm already feeling that okay so what if i challenged you this way is the way your body has chosen to cope over the years

is it working now as an adult it's not okay would you be willing to do something different yes it'll be very uncomfortable but correct yes you are one million percent right uh have you ever heard me say, talk about choosing your heart? Remind me. I'm sure I have. I'm coming more and more to believe that living a non-anxious life, living a life of more peace than not, is about choosing a hard path. Because here's the deal. It's really hard to be 100 pounds overweight.

It's hard on your knees. It's hard on your body, right? It's hard on your mental health. It's hard on your sleep. It's hard on your relationships. It's hard. It's just hard. It's not good, bad.

I'm not judging. It's just hard. And it's really hard to lose 100 pounds. And it's really hard to keep off 100 pounds. That's just hard. And it's really hard to lose a hundred pounds. And it's really hard to keep off a hundred pounds. That's hard too. And so we often get into an either or path, which is, I'm just going to take the easy path, which is I'm just going to avoid people. I'm going to take the easy path. I'm not going to tell my husband what I actually need. I'm not going to tell my husband that I'm hurting. I'm not going to tell my husband that he's making me feel less than. I'm just going to ride it out or I'm just going to ignore him. I'm just going to kick him out. And maybe not kick him out of the house, but kick him out with silence or

kick him out with ignoring him or kick him out with, I'm just going to stay on social media and scroll while he's doing whatever he's doing. We think that's the easy path. It's not. It's killing us. It's killing us. And then the other path feels so hard. I can't just say my needs out loud. I can't just sit down and look my husband in the eye and say, I need this from you. Or I can't just tell that person in the gym, hey, you want to go get coffee? Because they might say no. They might look at you like, whoa, weirdo lady. I was just trying to be polite. That could super happen. And that'd be hard and weird. Or worse, they could say yes. And now you got to go get coffee with a stranger. And that can be insane because they might be a Democrat or they might be like Trump 2024 and the rest of time.

Like you don't know. You don't know. It could be anything. It's not a matter of choosing hard or choosing easy. It's just choosing which hard path you're going to take. And when I have come to understand that, I'm always going to take the hard path that's going to lead me towards healing and it's going to lead me towards peace and that can only be found with relationships and with integrity and with authenticity and honesty I'm living as um uh congruent to quote Rogers I'm living a congruent life and right now you're not right right right And with my husband, it's like, um, as of late, I don't, I'm not sure why,

but even when I go to, into kiss him or hug him, he, his body like naturally pulled away and I'll mention it to him. And he, I don't know if he's lying when he says I didn't do anything or if he doesn't notice that he does that. And so that's been a huge trigger for me lately because, you know, I go in for a kiss expecting this connection and he'll pull away. And then he'll go in and kiss me. And so I think just lately, you know, with him at least, that's where our disconnect has been so i think where else though because it's bigger than that then if it's happening just just there it's happening in other places where else is it happening um like with him

um well i mean with kind of with all the intimacy really it. It's, you know, I. But so there's like, there's, there's like, um, you're feeling like he's, his impulses to back away from you. Right. Yeah. Y'all are having less sex than you would like. Is that fair? Oh yeah. Okay.

Yeah. A lot, a lot less, less um a lot less okay and it just seems like he's just not interested at all okay but back back out of the bedroom where else is he not interested in you is he making less eye contact is he spending more time on his phone is he working later all of those things okay so the the alarm system here the the gps is telling you here's the address here's where we're going but that's not the like the destination's not the issue i mean this is this is a whole it's just an alarm system for a greater issue in your relationship and Having that conversation as you lean in to kiss him and be like what's wrong? You don't like me Am I not pretty anymore like that now everybody's now he's got to defend himself

You're on the attack and then you're defending yourself. I'm not crazy right now. You're back and forth That's not the place to have that conversation it's to Go to another location and to sit with one another and say hey look Something's changing our relationship. What's what's going on? I'm, not crazy And have a couple of very specific Hey, you've been on your phone all the time in the last two months

We haven't had sex in the last 60 days. When's the last time y'all y'all slept together? Um We haven't had sex in the last 60 days When's the last time y'all slept together? Probably two or three weeks ago Okay And I'm guessing it wasn't It was perfunctory It wasn't Yeah Okay, alright

That's what it's been like lately Okay And I've expressed to him So he's actually going to the night shift Here soon Okay And I've expressed to him so he's actually going to the night shift here soon and I've expressed to him how we've been kind of struggling in that area or at least I have

and my concerns with that and so back at Christmas he he said he put a lot of thought into this and he thought this would really help me and so he actually got me a vibrator. And it was like, here, you can do that. And so that was really uncomfortable for me.

And it made me even feel more lonely because it was like, no, I want the connection with you. Right. Did you tell him that? Yeah. Okay. I don't know. Like he's not feeling the same as me. He's happy. Whenever I talk to him, he's happy where he's at in his life. And I'm just like, it's like I't happy with him. His wife doesn't like him. Yeah. You don't like him. And he is increasingly,

and if you don't like yourself, often I don't like me and that is reflected out onto other people. Don't get close to me. And the best way to keep somebody from being close to you is for you to not like them back. Yeah. And I don't know how long that may have been going on but there's he has

received the message to the point that he has taken a left turn and gone elsewhere i don't know if he's seeing somebody else or if he is just settled into this general adult male malaise how old is he uh 30 yeah it's very calm it's a strange phenomenon that's happening across has happened for the last 10-15 years it's bananas but just this generalized 30 to 45 year old and older nah it's just kind of way this is and i'm not attracted to her I've put on some weight She doesn't look like she used to

She's just not into it I'm just driving her crazy I'm just gonna And it's just one degree And all of a sudden the car is way on the other side of the ocean Right? Yeah And so there's something about coming back saying

Not I want more of this from you Or Cause that's like you need to be doing these things the conversation is begins with i miss my husband and you're gone that's where the conversation starts you will eventually get to whether he needs to go see a doctor and have his testosterone checked or that he's dealing with some mental health issues he needs to work through or he is just tired of taking criticism. He's tired of any number of relational things that have made their way to the bedroom.

This idea of sex drive, Emily Nagoski did a remarkable job of just setting that whole thing on fire. It's just a myth. It's not real. It's about ons and offs. It's about gas pedals and brakes. And it's about creating an environment where there's enough gas pedals being pushed and there's no brakes. And that can be environmentally, the house clean, that can be, I need it to cold in here. I need it warm in here. I need to help with the kids. I need whatever we need. But it's not about, oh, I just don't like it. You just, it's a whole context. And some people are really into it once a week. And when some people are really into it four times a week or eight times, whatever the thing is, you negotiate those relationally but this is the intimacy here sounds very symptomatic and i think the conversation starts with i i really miss you and something's going on i need you to be honest with me because to stay i want us to stay not only stay married but i want us to stay, not only stay married, but I want us to reconnect. And so what is our path back to each other? It's owning reality. We have now found ourselves six inches apart from each other in bed, but we're 6,000 miles away from each other.

How do we find our way back? How do we begin dating again? How do we begin flirting again? How do we create desire in this house? How do we practice desire? How do we create an air of sexuality and sensuality in our home? We got to practice coming back to each other. It can't just be, I need this. I need this because the solution to I need this is, hey, here's just a vibrator. You can take care of it whenever you want to. And now you can just leave me alone because I'm not good at it. I don't know what I'm doing, clearly. That's a totally different proposition. And so I would love before he goes off to his new job that y'all go spend a couple hours together, preferably in the morning, getting breakfast together in the sunshine when it's a little bit cold and saying, hey, before we make this big life transition, I miss you and I want you back in my life.

And it's not just about sex. It's about texting. It's about eye contact. It's about touch. It's about hugs. It's about all these things. And some of it may be as simple as my wife and I years ago implemented in the mornings when both of us wake up we hug this hug never occurred to one of us to do that just but we hug this is a thing and we both know that that starts a domino that impacts both of our days and now it's weird and i'm on the road like i just i expect that i need that it's just a part of breathing for me. It's part of waking up. It's not there when I'm on the road. And so I can't wait till I get home

and I just get that routine morning hug that just starts today, right? Whatever those things are for you guys. We're just going to have skin to skin Tantai for three minutes in the morning. We're just going to hold hands, whatever it is. Y'all will start figuring that out, but that will start with,

I miss you. I want you back. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever look it's costume season And if we're being honest A lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves

I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our

emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at Better Help. Better Help is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist, And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Diloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Diloni. All right, we are back and cue the mustache and Corvette music.

Not really Corvette. It's Camaro music. It's Facts of Your Friends time. Let's do it. We've got to get some different music. Kelly's just going to... This goes so good with your dragon tattoos just the music just feels like a dragon tattoo and that could if karate kids 7 came out all right so um kelly

gave me these two articles one of the things i want to do uh that we've begun doing on facts your friends is taking things that are non-pathological, meaning they're not in the DSM. They are not, you wouldn't go to a doctor and get diagnosed with this, but that it's made its way into the vernacular. It's something that is just made its way into the world. And we hear it all the time. Like I've got overachieving anxiety. No, you don't. Cause that's not a thing. It's not real. It's not a thing it's not real it's not a thing um so today she handed me this and there's it's called hurry sickness hurry sickness um or constant panic and rush is another way they say it but tell me if this sounds familiar um this uh i don't even see an author here it's just written by mindtools.com. Tell me if this sounds familiar. You rush into

work late again after doing the school run and navigating through traffic. When you open up your computer, there are so many email and message notifications that you don't even know where to start. Then you realize you're late for a meeting. So you rush off half walking, half running, and you grab a seat in the meeting room. A few few minutes later you realize that you're double booked and you make your apologies and dash off to join a conference call You're late to the conference call Your day ahead looks just as hectic So while you're on the phone you reply to emails marked urgent check your calendar and reply to several messages And there's no let up even after you arrive home

You somehow juggle cooking a meal putting the kids to bed doing some housework while preparing for a presentation that you're giving in the morning. And then when you finally get think fast, talk fast, they act fast, they're always going from thing to thing to thing to thing to thing. I didn't know the phrase hurry sickness. I hadn't heard that before. But there is this sense that this is the age we're in. And it's been roundly debunked in scientific studies, this idea of multitasking. It's not real. It's impossible. Your brain can't do it. So when you are listening to your kid, checking your email, also have the radio going and you're watching a TV show in the background and your husband's explaining something to you, your brain can't absorb all of that at one time and make sense of it. It's just toggling back and forth.

And so you're getting pieces of different information. You're getting pieces of experiences all at the same time. And so you're not ever anywhere. That's been the biggest revelation. I'm not really anywhere ever. And I end up driving my car 500 miles an hour to work. I'm running out the door. I'm speeding to work or I'm frustrated.

I'm late to this first meeting. And because I'm late to the first meeting, I'm going to be late to every other meeting. And then somebody stops me and they're like, Hey, I'm hurting. I, my mom just passed away and I want to stop and talk, but I've created a schedule for myself. I've got no margin. Then I feel guilty and it just never stops. And then I take that energy and I look at my kids in that energy is like a laser and it melts them. They can't handle that much focus. What do you need? And I hear my six-year-old, my seven-year-old,

she's just stumbling through the words. She's like, I, and I'm like, what do, what, hon? What do you need? Right, and then they get it too. Hurry sickness. So you can't go to the doctor. They're not going to diagnose you with hurry sickness. The more I dug into the research and where I just landed on my book is this. I don't know. You do you actually get chemically addicted like you would to opium or to heroin or alcohol? Do you get addicted to the cortisol and adrenaline? Cause when you are running that fast, when you're driving

95 miles down the, down the road, your body is amped up. And when you're going from meeting to meeting and you're running down the hallway and you go in and you're kind of catching your breath over your coffee. And then you realize, oh, I'm supposed to be another me. Your body is keeping the score as Vander Kolk says, it's running and running and running and running. So I don't know if you actually get addicted to the cortisol and adrenaline, to the, um, to the hormones and the neurotransmitters and the neuromodulators. I don't know if you get addicted to them as chemicals or your body gets addicted to your downstream response to those things.

The drink you drink to take the edge off. The numbing you do in front of Netflix. The mindless sex or pornography consumption. The, that you go smoke a joint just to chill out, or you take a bunch of gummies just to chill. I don't know, but Judd Brewer's work on anxiety is excellent. It's a habit and response mechanism. And ultimately, if your body can spin you up, it can get what it wants downstream, which is another drink. So here's the, here's my point. I don't know. I think it's fair to call anxiety and addiction. I will continue to call it,

but I don't know if it's a downstream addiction, like you're addicted to the food that you eat when you're stressed, or if you're actually addicted to the, the chemicals in your body that are pulsing through your body. Either way, it doesn't matter. Hurry sickness, it's become a way of being. We've created anxious lives for ourselves that quite frankly, our bodies can't exist in, and they are coming apart at the seams. Look around. Okay. So, and we'll link to these in the show notes. These are their pop psychology, right? They're just, um, uh, it's not a lot of like neuroscience and things like that. If you want great neuroscience, there's other places you can go on the internet, but, um, I think it is worth reading because they, they just,

they just kind of call out our life the way we're choosing to live. Um, here's a couple of things you can do here. Um, made some notes here. Let me see. We're like, oh number one. Um know this Flying around the world is making things worse. So stop Stop This was the big revelation for me Not that I had to figure out what new planner was going to help me

Toggle all this or what new apps were going to help me. That's the last 10 years. If you just get the right planner, you just do all this and yoga or, and, you know, mindfulness training, you're cool. Or if you just get these apps, they'll help organize you. My friend, Joshua Milburns with The Minimalist says that organizing is just well thought out hoarding, right? And you can hoard with stuff or you can hoard with activities or you can hoard with thoughts that never stop, right? So I have to know out the gate, this is killing me. It's making me very hard to be in relationship with. It is not helping my work performance. It's not helping my parenting or marriage performance. It's not helping my engagement with my community. It's not helping other people in my life feel loved. So stop. That's number one. Okay. Underneath that, number two,

I have to learn how to be clear about what I need, about boundaries. I can't do that. I have to learn how to say no to my kids. I want to play soccer and I want to do ballet. And mom, can I get on this other thing too? I have to say, no, man, I'm maxed right now. If you can give me one week, I'll have created some space and I could take that on. But just saying, yeah, you got it. And then being pissed off that your boss came to you for it. Then being pissed off that you have no more time. Being pissed off. So here's a good example. I agreed to a book deadline on January 15th. I agreed to it. I said, I'll have it done. My birthday weekend was spent in a hotel writing.

Not with my friends and family. It was spent writing. Christmas Eve, I turned in a chapter. Christmas Day, after we opened up presents and everyone's on a sugar rush, I did some more writing. And I can be mad at the publishing arm, my publisher. I can be mad at my... Dude, I chose this.

I agreed to it all. So I have to get clear about my needs. I need to spend time with my family on Christmas. I need to have my birthday weekend so I can celebrate that with my kids and my wife and my friends. Here's what I need. Here are my boundaries.

I've got to say those things out loud. And I have had to learn over time how to do it. And I still, like I just mentioned, I still stumble, still fall, right? Number three, here's a practical thing. Never speed, only drive the speed limit, which if you drive with me, you know that you're like, I think you're insane. Kelly's like, I'm going to call bull crap on that one on a stick. If you just for 30 days, I got this from

John Mark Comer. If you just for 30 days, Sam's going to drive speed limit. Number one, I did it and it was super annoying. Here's why it was annoying. I had to leave earlier, which meant I had to plan, which meant I couldn't just sit and scroll mindlessly or read mindlessly or whatever. Sometimes my son had to go to school, not looking like I would have loved because I got to leave and I'm not speeding. Number two, and this really pissed me off. I showed up to work infinitely less stressed. I was pretty chill. And I thought, oh, you got me.

Because I fly down the road at 95 miles an hour. And then I fly into work. And then I fly into the meeting. And everyone's like, whoa. And then I get mad that they're frazzled. It's on me. So just decide for 30 days, I'm just going to drive a speed limit everywhere. And you're going to get run over on the road. You're going to have to go to another lane. You may have to use cruise control to practice. Just try it for 30 days, driving the speed limit. And you'll get stressed at first

because everyone's driving past and then settle into it. Put your phone away. Number four, put your phone away. Put your phone away. Put your phone away. It is adding noise and chaos in spaces that normally throughout all of human history gave us pause. Times between work, times between action, times when we were waiting, times when we were outside, times between human interactions.

Now we just have that phone and we're shoving every square centimeter of our lives with space and noise and flashy things and red alerts put it away put it away put it away um last one and this is um something i'm starting effective immediately is a radical sense an unerrant radical sense i will be on time everywhere i'm gonna be on time starting now kelly's like ah i call bullcrap in a box on a stick on top of a building with a parachute and dragon wings be radically on time just don't be late try for 30 days i'm gonna try it i'll try we have a we have a jar that we just keep on the desk here for when I was late or not, and I'll just donate it to charity, whatever's left. We should just do that.

Remember the whole, there was a one point in time you were going to give me like $5 every time you said something, and we got up to like $100-something. I still haven't seen that either. Here we go. Here we go. There's Kelly. And I would also like to point out that you didn't start the not be late thing today. No, I starting anew today.

Okay. Cause we were, we were late starting today. I just said starting now. Okay. Unbelievable. Hmm. Yes, you're right. It is unbelievable.

You may need to get a new boss too, or work somewhere else. Hashtag just saying. Hurry sickness. Here's the deal. Look at your life and your calendar and look for this one precious thing. Space. Margin.

A gap in your calendar. And if you don't have it, find it. If you don't have it, let your needs be heard. And yes, I hear you single moms with three kids or single dads and you're just like, dude, I don't have to. I get it. You're in a season. I get it. I get it. I get it. If you don't have it, let your needs be heard. And yes, I hear you single moms with three kids or single dads. And you're just like, dude, I don't have to. I get it. You're in a season. I get it. I get it. I get it. This might be something that you work towards over time. A hurry sickness is drowning you. It's not a real thing, but an anxious lifestyle,

anxious world is burning a hole through you and those you love. Stop. Stop and try to build something different. We'll be right back. All right, let's go to Nicole in Sacramento. What's up, Nicole? Hello. What's up? So I um, I'm really nervous right now. So I'm just trying to get the words to my mind. Hey, I've never lost a, a, a patient.

I don't think so. Maybe I have, they just didn't call me back, but, um, no, I think you're good, man.

And by the way, I'm not good at this either. So same team, we're good. You'll be, you'll be better at this than me. So what's up? Okay.

So I'm, have been experiencing episodes of rage towards my children. And I'm just really, I'm just scared that I don't know how to get under control. It's not like anger. It's like my heart pounds. I feel hot. My eyes are popping out of my head. I'm screaming. I'm spanking my kids out of anger. And I just, I need help. I don't know how to stop at times. Where does the rage come from? I just... Rage means you feel feel trapped when did you start feeling trapped well first of all i homeschool my children okay and that can be extremely stressful it's just a huge responsibility but i chose it and so i you, that also means you can unchoose it. Yes. Yes, of course. Okay. What else? Why do you feel trapped? I just, I feel it's exactly what my parents did to me. And I feel like I'm just right back in the cycle of my family trauma and I'm going to do the same

thing to my kids and they're going to have the same resentment towards me and I don't know how to get out of it. Listen to me. A hundred percent, you're right. I wish there was some magic. You definitely, one thousand percent, need to go talk to somebody, okay? Yeah.

And until you have the courage to do that, you are making the choice. You know what? More than I want to get well and see a counselor and talk to somebody, I want you guys to be miserable too. Okay? That's the choice you're making. But bigger than that, I wish there was some more sophisticated thing that I'm about to tell you. But Nicole, stop.

You can stop. You might not be at peace. You might have to walk outside the door. You might have to go for a walk around your house and take five laps, but stop. I do not buy for one second that you can't just, you can't just help yourself. It just happens. I don't just help yourself it just happens that i don't buy it yeah is that true no i i completely agree like from this point forward i just don't know how to stop sometimes then don't know how to don't get to the moment don't get to the moment

that's the problem so earlier on on, I used an analogy. Earlier today, I was in an interview. If you take a two-liter bottle, a brand-new two-liter bottle of, like, Dr. Pepper or Coke, and you shake it up, and then you pop the top off that thing, you're trying to catch all that fizz. Yeah. Because that sucker is so packed to the gills, and then they shoot gas in there to fill it up even tighter. And what you have to do with your life is to create, you have to dump some of that Coke out of that sucker. If you have a two liter bottle of Coke and it's only half filled and you shake it up, when you pop the top on it, it will make the noise. It'll go It'll shoot the gas out

and the the Coke will rise but it won't shoot all over the all over your table on the floor Because there's not so much built-up pressure in there. You see what i'm saying? Oh, that's that's how I feel at times. I just feel like it's spilling over spilling over spilling It is but that you've got to create margin in other places of your life. So when your kids act like kids, they're knuckleheads. They're loud. They're emotional.

They say frustrating things. They try to pee in the bathroom and they pee all over God's – I don't know what they're – I don't know how they're – I don't know. It's just madness. Yeah. That you have some capacity to absorb that. And that might mean, and I've talked to a number of mothers, that might mean that you've got to put your kids in school for a season and give yourself some space. Yeah.

And I promise you the end of times won't come If your kids go to a school Whether it's a private school or a public school They have parents who love them they're going to be fine Yeah next year they're going to a private school Okay Maybe we need to accelerate Maybe we need to accelerate that I don't want your kids having another semester

Of a mom who hates them I don't want to hates them. I know. I know. I know. But you know. But Nicole. You're not caring for Nicole. Do you see what I'm saying?

Yeah. Because Nicole can't do this 24-7, 365. And that's okay. Very, very few people can, but when you take care of Nicole, you will say out loud, I need these things, I need space between my kids, I need to go get a job, I need to go be with other adults, I need to fill in the blank, whatever your needs are, they can be all over the place, who cares, they just are, And those needs are going to change. They might be one way this year and they might be different next year and whatever it is. And I don't think this is, it's not fair to blame this all on homeschooling. It's you've created a world where you've gotten no space. Yeah. You're trapped both emotionally and otherwise. Where's your, is, is,

is there, do you have a romantic partner in the mix? You have a husband in the mix? Yeah, my husband. How is he participating in all this? He works, he works,

he commutes very far and he works five, six days a week and homeschooling and the kids is mainly on me. He does his best. He's a fantastic dad. But when it comes to their every day, it's on me. Okay. Have you said the words to him, not in rage or in anger, but in a private conversation where you're just being open and vulnerable with each other.

Have you said the words, I can't continue? Yes. Okay. What was his response? Then we'll do whatever we have to do to make it better. That's one of the most beautiful things I've heard. It's awesome. Now it sounds like the only person who's not letting this thing ride is you. Can you have peace with this?

I'm so nervous to send them back to school. Yeah, be nervous. And you know what? Someone's going to make fun of them. Someone's going to be mean. Someone's going to laugh at their clothes. Someone's going to make fun of their hair. There's going to be part of that.

And that's why they have parents, mom and dad, who love them. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Right? Yeah. Anger covers up sadness and points us to something we can't control, that we wish was different, right? It points us to things that we wish were different. And often anger is our body feeling like we're failing at something.

I always feel like I'm failing. I feel like I'm failing constantly. Right. And when you grow up with abusive parents, your body protects itself with a big thick blanket, and we call that a blanket shame. Yeah. It's all I've ever known is to be angry and protect myself.

That's right, because nobody would protect you, and they should have. Right? Yeah. Do you want another life? protect myself that's right because nobody would protect you and they should have right yeah do you want another life no I love my life no no no no do you want a more yeah I asked that the wrong way

do you want a more do you want a more peaceful way of being yes and I pray for that constantly I pray for peace and calmness.

You have to do different things. What we're doing so far is not working. Can we agree on that? Yeah. Okay. We got to do something different. And I don't know what that's going to be for your life. It's going to be any number of things. It might mean that you sit down with your husband and you say, I have to get up and go for a long walk by myself in the morning and listen to my songs. I've got to get up in the morning and whatever. I've got to have one night a week to meet with the women in my community, whatever the thing is. And I know you commute a long way and we have to go back and forth. I get all that, but I need you here. Or maybe we need to move closer to where you work so you don't have to

commute so far so you can provide some more help on that. Like we got to get radical here because we are changing a family tree, Nicole. And every step along the way is going to be uncomfortable because you've never seen it done before. And it's going to feel weird, but it's going to be right. So hear me say, you deserve better than this and your kids do too. So from this day forward, never yell at your kids again. Never hit your kids again ever And I know you don't want to don't And start the work go call a counselor today today Hang on the line. I'm gonna send you a copy of own your past change your future. I want you to read it

I'll also send you a link to a free audiobook. I want you to listen to it if that's easier. But you have to acknowledge what happened to you and you have to decide, I'm the person who's going to turn and face this forest fire and it's going to burn me and I'm going to get scars, but this will not continue with my kids. And by the way, tell your kids, I'm sorry, I screwed up.

I shouldn't have yelled at you. I shouldn't hit you. I'm sorry, I screwed up. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I shouldn't hit you. I'm sorry. So sorry. You're going to go see a counselor. Then you and your husband are going to sit down and you are going to reimagine your life from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to bed and say, okay, what do we have to do to make a different life for ourselves and our kids? That might mean we have to move. That might mean we got to take different jobs. That might mean kids are going to public school for the rest of the year. And then before they go to private school,

whatever the thing is, that might mean like my kids ain't going to public school. Well, they are now. Someone keep them safe. I'm going to make sure they're loved and they're connected. Never hit your kids again. And Nicole, for the first time in your life,

put Nicole up at the top of that list. Start loving Nicole like nobody except your husband and your kids have ever loved Nicole. And ask her, what do you need to be whole and well so that our kids can be whole? You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new

book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, let's wrap up today's show. If you know, you know. Today's song is called Dirty Work by Steely Dan. Times are hard and you're afraid to pay the fee. So you find yourself somebody who can do the job for free when you need a bit of loving because your man's out on the town. That's the time you get me running and you know I'll be around. I'm a fool to do your dirty work. Oh, yeah.

I'm not. I hate Steely Dan. I can't see it. It's your favorite band ever, Kelly? In the world? Hmm. It's not a fan. Let's go listen to Metallica.

We'll see you soon.