The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?

Episode Date: January 22, 2025

📱 Early access: Watch episodes of The Dr. John Delony Show one week early—download the free Ramsey Network app today!   On today’s episode, we hear about: ·      A woman unsure how to tell her parents she’s converting to Catholicism ·      A man struggling to overcome his fear of going broke ·      A teen wondering if he should confront his girlfriend about what he saw on her phone Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off at BON CHARGE with code DELONY. 🌿 Get up to 40% off at Cozy Earth with code DELONY.  🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off at Organifi with code DELONY.  💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.  🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

How do I approach my Jewish parents about converting to Catholicism without ruining our relationship? I don't know if you have that kind of power. Tell me about it. Recently, I've kind of separated myself from the synagogue I was a part of for many different reasons. What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show.

So grateful that you're with us. I hope your new year is off to a great start and whatever grand ideas you had this year, I hope you are still working through the systems you set in place whether it's I'm gonna I'm gonna meet every Sunday night with a friend or with a partner with my spouse and we're gonna go over a budget for the week and go for a calendar for the week and we're gonna meal prep together or you're just taking a few minutes each morning to get out and get some early morning sunlight like brother humorman tells us or I'm going to journal I'm gonna write I'm gonna use my

red lights I'm gonna eat like whatever things you're doing I hope they're making your life more whole and more full and hope you're sticking with it if you want to be on this show it shows about real people going through real challenges and we talked through real hard stuff and my promise is I'll sit with you and we'll figure out the next right move whether it's your emotional health your mental health your relationships whatever you got going on in your life if you want to be on the show give me a buzz 1-844-693-3291 and if you'll take 13 seconds and hit the subscribe button on the YouTubes or you'll go over and leave a five-star review wherever you listen to podcasts. That'd

be amazing. All right, let's go out to Baltimore, Maryland and talk to Rebecca. Hey, Rebecca, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm great. How are you? I am good. I'm glad to be talking to you. I'm glad to be talking, how do I approach my Jewish parents about converting to Catholicism without ruining our relationship? Ooh, I don't know if you have that kind of power.

Tell me about it. Um, so recently, um, I've kind of separated myself from the synagogue I was a part of, um, for many different reasons. And, um, I've, my husband is, was raised Catholic. Um, so I've decided, um, that I would like to convert and be a part of the church with him and we would also like to get our kids baptized. Okay. So that's another part of the thing that's probably going to break my parents' hearts as well.

Are your parents practicing or are they just culturally Jewish? It's more of like a cultural Jewish. Okay, alright. So I guess what I would tell you is you know your parents better than anybody and you already walking in the door think you're gonna break their heart. Are you pretty confident in that

or is that just if you're talking? I think in front of me, at least with my mom, I think she'll be supportive and then she'll leave and be heartbroken. Will she be heartbroken because she's going to lose... I'm like abandoning the way they raised me. Yeah, as an indictment on their values and character versus, no, no, no, I'm grateful for the foundation you gave me. Here's the next evolution for me. Or is she gonna be upset that she's gonna have to go back to her brunch and tell the

women that she has brunch with, you're not gonna believe what my daughter did, and they're gonna think badly about her. No, I don't think it's that because it's really not, like just because they're not practicing, I think it's more of like an abandonment. So could it be that one of the values they gave you growing up was one of intellectual curiosity. Or always asking hard questions. Or not being scared of hard questions. Is that fair?

Yeah. How was their marriage growing up? It was good. I mean, at least in front of me, it was good. I've only like witnessed them yelling at each other like less than a handful of times in my entire life. Okay. Yeah, they're good East Coast family, right? They're some yelling. Yeah.

It's just, you know, I used to think all yelling was bad until I, yeah, there's some good East Coast families that love, love, love each other. They just talk louder, that's all. They just communicate with more vigor. But at the same time, we're also kind of like one of those Southern families that doesn't say things that need to be said sometimes. Gotcha.

So if, here's how I would delineate here. Let's say you were Baptist and you're converting to Catholic, okay? They would be in your parents who are deeply deep practicing Southern Baptist. They would be concerned for their social standing. They would be concerned about values, yada yada. But deeply they would be concerned about your soul's

placement in hell for eternity, right? Right. And so that would be one conversation that's gonna be very different. I feel like you have a different conversation happening here because this is less existential in terms of if you don't do these things, here's what happens to you in the end. And more, it's a reflection of, hey, mom and dad, this is not an indictment of how I wish you hadn't raised me this way. In fact, this is an extension and a furthering and evolution of how you raised me.

Because you all had a great marriage and you all showed me what connection and being one looks like. Me and my husband have practiced that and we found a connection and commonality in this faith journey. And you guys taught me to ask hard questions and to chase my nose and to sit and wrestle with hard things. This is where I've landed. And so I think it can be a way that you sit down and say, because of how you raised me, here's where I've landed. And so I think it can be a way that you sit down and say, because of how you raised me, here's where I am. So it's a furthering and it's a, gosh, not just, this is a terrible analogy,

but it's a blooming of the seed they planted in you. Okay. I'm guessing here. I also know cultural values are cultural values. And the Jewish community, a community that has spent its entire heritage surviving together. Right. There is a sense of abandonment.

Yeah. And so I get that. And so I think the meta here is, you can't control how your mom and dad react. Correct. I just want to do it with the least amount of conflict possible. I think trying to PR this, trying to public relation this or try to message this is gonna make it look like you've got something to hide or you're not telling the full truth. I think coming in and saying I'm truly, truly grateful for how you raised me.

And here are some of the great attributes. And here is where I've landed with my husband and with our kids. And here's the direction our family's taking. And I hope you will remain with us. I want you to know that we honor you guys. We love you and we want to be a part of your lives. I'm assuming all that's true and This is a furthering and extension of that and it's not like y'all are gonna have to split up on Sunday mornings Like or you know one's going to synagogue when you're going to church now Y'all just might get up and go to church on Sundays instead of having breakfast right So I think in practice that y'all have to navigate that. But ultimately, I think the meta here is this, you cannot control somebody else's response.

Trying to come up with some clever way or like, I'm just going to, you know, I want to dance around it. That's never helpful. I'm going to tell you the truth. I'm going to tell you it in a way that treats you with dignity and respect. And if there's a way I can, if I can put you on the pedestal that you deserve, I'm gonna do that. And if there's a way I can honor you

and giving you hard news, I'm gonna do that. But I always go back to the way I was trained with the great Dr. Andy Young, calm is contagious and facts are your friends. Calm is contagious, facts are your friends. If you come into this conversation and you're all shaky and nervous and your eyes are darting around then your mom and dad will feel something's not right here. Does she not think that we love her? Does she not really want to be doing this and her

husband's making her? They're gonna create a story. But if you come in at peace with this transition, this is the right thing for me and my family. This is happening. I hope you'll join us. Then that feels inviting. It's an invitation. It's calm. And facts are your friends. I'm not going to beat around the bush. I'm not going to tell you this big long story. You raised me this way and I'm so, so grateful. And here's where I am now and here's what's happening next and so also don't say things like So I think I'm gonna go to confirmation, I think I'm gonna start

We we think we're gonna when you start adding those little slivers. They sound like cracks for people to Intellectually slide into or spiritually or emotionally slide into and create division. If you're here, I want you to be very clear about what you're saying. I will be getting baptized next month. My children will be getting baptized in February. This may be a strange request, but I hope you can attend. It takes all the wishy washy out of it. request but I hope you can attend. It takes all the wishy washy out of it. Calmness contagious facts are your friends. Here is the truth and at the very end the truth remains. We love you. We honor you and we think y'all are great grandparents. Hey everybody listen to this. My friends at Helix, the makers of the best mattresses in the universe that every single

member of my family sleeps on. They are in their final hours of their New Year sale right now. Now listen, I get it. You're trying to hang on to those resolutions and new habits and systems for this new year, but you still aren't getting the good sleep that you desperately need to build a great life on. I've struggled with getting good sleep my entire life and sleeping on my Helix mattress has transformed my rest. And now that I've created a great sleep routine,

and I've got my Helix mattress, I'm consistently getting deep, refreshing sleep. Now listen, this is important. Everyone has their own unique sleep positions. Everyone's body is different. So Helix has created different mattress models designed for everyone, for side sleepers, stomach sleepers, back sleepers, all of you.

And if your spine needs some extra support and comfort, they have mattresses just for you too. Helix offers a hundred night trial, and all Helix mattresses come with either a 10 or 15 year warranty. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz. I did it too, and you'll find the perfect mattress

for your sleep preference in like two minutes or less. Here's the kicker. and take the Helix Sleep Quiz. I did it too, and you'll find the perfect mattress for your sleep preference in like two minutes or less. Here's the kicker. The Helix New Year Sale is in its final hours. Get 20% off site-wide plus two dream pillows with a mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com slash deloney today. Go right now.

That's helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, HelixSleep.com slash Deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. It's the new year. It's my favorite time of the year. Everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping things that aren't that helpful, and overall, people are thinking about building a better life. We all know that most new go-get-em goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable.

So how about this year? Let's focus on fewer more sustainable goals and better systems. And let's start by curating a system and a goal that's good for your heart and your soul. Let's start this year with our spiritual lives and let's start off 2025 by focusing on prayer and meditation.

To do this, I recommend Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it and I love it. Hallow offers over 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God, answer hard questions and find peace. Hallow has some amazing daily prayers that are perfect to start your day with.

And one of Hallow's most popular features is the daily reflection with Jonathan Rumi from the show, The Chosen. You can also check out the daily scripture readings, the nightly sleep prayers, and if you don't have much time, there's even something called the daily minute. Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine

by making a schedule, adding reminders, and even fostering a community for accountability. Start the year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Halo. Right now they're offering three months for free when you join at halo.com slash deloney. That's halo.com slash deloney for three months ofllow to get your year started absolutely free. Go check them out All right, we're back let's go to st. Louis, Missouri and talk to Daniel. Hey Daniel, what's up?

so my question is how do I overcome my fears of going broke and Recognize when my saving habits become excessive Hmm tell me tell me more. Well, so as long as I can remember, I've always just kind of had this. The, like even never, I, you know, started working at like a very young age, helping like my mom's business and stuff. I've just kind of had this mindset of as soon as I got money, I didn't do anything with it. I just, I stowed it away and I just let it,

the mindset was just to let it grow. Where does that come from? Where does that story originate? I don't know. And I feel like it's probably one of the earliest, I guess, bits of wisdom that I ever remember hearing from my parents and from my grandparents is the idea of a penny saved is a penny earned. And since then, since I, you know, worked all throughout high school and then worked all throughout college. And then since graduating college, I've always kind of set these milestones where I just thought to myself, okay, once I achieved this much in the bank, I'm good.

And it doesn't mean I'll be stupid. It doesn't mean all, you know, go crazy, but I don't have to worry as much anymore because I've got this much stowed away. And every single time I achieve it, I just end up thinking, well, just a little bit more. And then I'll be good. And then I'll feel comfortable not being so panicky whenever I have to spend money

that I haven't kind of worked myself up to spend. So tell me about your close dude friendships. Ooh. So I've got, like my best friend in the world has been my best friend since the third grade We still talk all the time. He still lives in our hometown How far away is very? Average three hours. Tell me about three or four men in your life right now that you hang out with on a regular basis Boy All right, Tell me about your job.

Oh boy. So I work at a bank and currently I'm kind of, I'm looking around at other things to possibly, you know, become my job. I'm planning on starting school next year. And so I'm kind of in this position where I don't know if I should stay in my job because I really don't like it, but I've got a good six months before starting school. So I don't know if I should find something else

to kind of take that time. What are you gonna study? I'm actually planning to join the seminary and study pastoral ministry. Okay. Are you married? Yes. Okay. How's your marriage? I think it's good. We actually just got married in October. So pretty new. That was an excellent diversion from answering the question.

How's your marriage? It's good. It's good. We're, it's kind of since I've decided to... You're so great. If you had to give it a grade. Like on a scale from A to F or one to ten or... Yes, A to F. Okay okay I'd probably say B an 88 or in 79.5 say 83 I think you're being very generous but I'll go with you on that okay tell me about your relationship with your mom and dad. It's good. So it was definite. Also not great. It's gotten better. Especially with my dad, there was some tension growing up where I thought he was trying to make me be one person

and I wanted to be a different kind of person and I didn't feel like I could really go to him and talk to him about how I felt. That all has since been resolved. And so with both my parents, it's probably the best it's ever been. Typical kind of, it just feels like typical growing pains and stuff throughout high school and college.

How's your physical health? Good. It's actually, I've actually been going to the gym for about 10 months now after never going consistently. Awesome. So I've, I know it's marginally speaking, I'm probably in the best shape I've ever been in even though I don't, I wouldn't say I've been necessarily great shape. That's fantastic. How's your, how's your faith? That's also been really great. I got baptized actually almost a year ago. Exactly.

And so my, my wife grew up Catholic and fell away from the Catholic church just due to negative experiences that she had. And so whenever we moved into the house that we're in right now, we decided to try and cultivate that area of our lives again. So we started going to a church that's just down the street from us, and we were immediately welcomed with huge open arms and got super involved in it. And so that's partly the reason why I've wanted to study pastoral ministry is to be able to kind of

be that person who welcomes people in and can be able to make that kind of difference in their lives. Tell me about your financial life. Just in terms of how much I make, how much I have saved, how much sure. What's DLO? Really nothing. She has she has a car loan that's.

So some so something. Yes. So and I am debt free aside from a credit card that has a relatively small balance. How are you going to pay for school? We have 529 plans set up with the state of Missouri. So your your tuition is going to be covered? Yes. And your living expenses to drop out of the workforce? Yes. Which by the way, I would strongly recommend don't do that, but that's a whole other call. So here's-

I don't plan to stop working completely. Okay, so here's what I'm poking around the edges. I don't think, let me say this way, when somebody has a true fear and they run through the middle of that fear, there's often a resolution. In nerd speak, if therapeutically, they would call it exposure therapy.

I'm scared of snakes. So I'm going to sit down with somebody, we're going to talk about snakes and they're going to come back to my office. We're going to talk about snakes again, they're going to come back to my office and we're going to snakes again They're gonna come back to my office and we're gonna get crayons and we're gonna draw silly pictures of snakes then we're gonna draw silly pictures again and then in three or four weeks, I'm gonna show you like internet photos of snakes and

then a few weeks later we're going to Write a story about you holding a snake and then I'm going to show you pictures of snakes eating rats and mice. We're leading to you holding a live python in my office and you're laughing. You've run into that fear, taught your body over time through managing stress and when your body starts to go to fight or flight or freeze and then actually exposing yourself to this alleged threat and teaching your body that it's okay.

It's not a danger. And then your body literally goes, oh, okay. We're moving on. body literally goes, okay, we're moving on. If in your case, you have a fear of lack, of not enough, I'm gonna run out. You can usually identify that fear by meeting whatever standard you've set and then you instantly, your body instantly moves the finish line. That's a good barometer that what you are afraid of is a proxy war for something else going on in your life that's out of control and your body's trying to solve it in another way.

And so the questions I asked you often are people will be broke. They owe six figures in student loans, they got a mortgage they can't afford, they got two house car payments on depreciating assets, which is still the stupidest thing we do as Americans is buy cars on payment plan. But like we, your body knows you are one bad email from getting fired and your boss pulling your job, firing you, and you lose your house, your car, your food. And so your body would be failing you if it let you sleep all night. But instead of dealing with that particular issue, because that's scary and hard and takes

radical lifestyle change, it's easy to look at something like savings or look at something like body fat percentage, look at something like how straight and clean your clothes are. It's a total diversion. And so going through the things we just went through, how's your friendship? If your body recognizes you're alone, if you have slowly over time collapsed multiple friendships, work comradery, faith comradery, doing hard things together and you have dumped it all on this brand new marriage and your wife is rattling under the weight as though she was sitting under a squat rack and you just kept adding plate after plate after plate and by the way men do this a

lot. We cut our friendships off, we cut our going out after work off, we stop going to concerts, we stop going hunting with other people, we just go ourselves and we dump everything. Sex, co-parenting, co-imagining, co-dreaming, friendship, our wives have to carry all of it and they can't carry that weight, it's too heavy. So maybe that's it or maybe it's finances or maybe it's you're a brand new person of faith in this new faith tradition and you're about to quit your career and go to graduate school to become a, like that's a pretty abrupt switch or it's a pretty like, that's a pretty abrupt switch. Or it's a, it's a pretty abrupt, it's a recipe for burnout real quick. Because one of the core tenets of graduate school in theology is they unwind your faith

for you. Right? And then they help you put it back together. Sometimes, sometimes they just unwind it, leave you with a, with a handful of yarn and say, all right, go make a sweater. See ya. And everyone just freezes to death on the cold, right? All that to say is this, my big question for you is, what is your body trying to protect you from?

Either now or in the past or potentially in the future. And it's using scarcity. It's using this imagined lack of, what is it trying to protect you from? Is it this idea that you were always told you weren't enough, and now you have this woman that you committed your life to saying, I want to start a family too, and you're like,

oh gosh, what happens if, I don't know, if you can carry that weight, what do you think your body's trying to protect you from? I don't know and I've thought about it a lot and it's, like I don't remember anyone ever telling me that I wasn't enough or that I wasn't good enough. You believe that? I know in my head that it's not true, but it's just I feel like I've internalized it for so long that I've I've still got to, I guess, I don't know what the term is de internalize

the idea that I'm not good enough. In what areas do you think you're not good enough? Just be blunt and honest because I promise you if the people listening to this show you're not the only one. Looks, money, smarts. Pretty much everything because I can't it's I'm I'm like the worst person in the world at taking a compliment for anything. And I don't really know where that stems from. It's just for as long as I can remember, I've just had this tendency to just think

that I'm less than. That often comes from a childhood based on performance metrics You'll get this report card or dad will look at you with disgust Yeah, mom will say something like hey if you do that your dad's gonna get really really pissed Or your dad will say hey your mom doesn't like that you need to stop because your mom's gonna and you realize at a really young age oh it's your job to make sure the adults are okay yeah there was a there was a good amount of that so you end up carrying this

really heavy weight which essentially tells a young child you must do X Y or Z or we will withhold our love and affection for you and intellectually you know that's not true you know their parents love you but in your nervous system your tiny little body your 14 year old body when it was starting to get armpit hair and a little bit taller, it saw your dad's face. It felt that reactor in your mom's chest. It saw her go, when you needed new shoes. Or when you said, Hey, mom, I'm at a deodorant and she was down to her last dollar and she

went, and you realized, Oh, my body odor causes my mom stress. It's a little bitty pebbles in a backpack and you suddenly wake up when you're older and that backpack is heavy. And the only way I've seen people work through this is to be very specific about the things they believe they lack in and to do two things. Number one, find usually a group of people, a counselor, a spouse, and a couple of buddies to outsource it in the short term. I still do this to this day. I will walk out of my closet and I'll look at my wife before I'm headed out to a speaking event where they're paying me an ungodly amount of money to come speak to somebody's company. And I'll say, do I look okay? Or I'll say is this shirt look okay?

And what that means to my wife is I Don't I don't feel very attractive today. I feel like I've put on 10 pounds. I feel bloated I don't I don't like I look good in this and she just goes sure. It looks great and I have learned to trust her. She's not gonna send me out into the world. My social media person, her name is Lauren. I was pushing back on a video she wanted to post. Like, I looked like this and she stopped me.

And she said, my job is to make you look good. Let me do my job. And I went, whew, okay. So when I don't believe it, I trust them. I outsource it. Kelly all the time, I'm like, I didn't believe it, I trust them. I outsource it. Kelly, all the time, I'm like, I didn't think I handled that call well. Kelly will say, no, you did that call. That call was great.

All right, I didn't feel it, but I trust her. Okay, that's number one. Number two, you have to do the work in those areas where you know you have lack. Do you need to lose 30 pounds? Do you need to go to graduate school? Do you need to slow down and not quit your job yet even though it quote-unquote doesn't feel fulfilling? Do you need to put in six months or 10 months or a year of hard work at a job just doing

everything they ask plus more and then deciding a year from now is grad school and Christian ministry the thing to go do? Write this second. Or hey hey, honey, let's read a book. I've never been married, you've never been married. We just took on this big responsibility. We don't even know how to do it. And now we're just staring at each other 10 months in. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, no, I do. There's some outsourcing and then there's some metrics and then for you brother. You've got a number. What's your number?

What's your oh, then I'll be okay number in savings I don't it changes constantly. What was the last one? Boy Well, the thing is it's gotten to the point where I've just kind of resigned myself to well I'll know when I find it Okay, and then that's it. That's a do anything. Yeah. Yeah, that's you don't want to go down that road

Here's the math problem. I want you to solve Six months of You get fired and your wife gets fired Can y'all maintain your house, your vehicles, food and your utilities? You wouldn't go out to eat anymore. You'd probably have to cut your subscriptions, but could y'all make it for six months? Yeah. And I want you to write down that number. And then I want you anything beyond that. I want you to put and begin to spend it. I want you to begin to save it. I want you all to start working towards a house working towards kids You have a 529 plan. I want you to be in thinking about your kids future 529 plans

I want you to say we've got this number Beyond that is my body trying to protect me from something else. I'm gonna go solve that something else because it's not about math And here's what you have to do. You have to practice. Be uncomfortable. Some people, it sounds crazy, have to put, I will buy myself a thing in their budget because they struggle with scarcity. Others like me have to say, I won't buy all these things because I try to soothe myself with purchases. Some people have to put in there I will be reckless with the way I tip today. That would be probably the place I would recommend you start is finding one

person a day that you can bless financially once you've reached that six month mark. And what you're doing is you're practicing a muscle of giving away. And you're going to do it 10 bucks at a time, 30 bucks at a time, you and your wife are going to go eat somewhere cheap, you're going to spend 30 bucks on your meal, and you're going to tip $50. So the whole meal is 80 bucks out the door. And you're going to feel it. But you're going to wake up the next day, you're not to tip $50. So the whole meal is 80 bucks out the door. And you're going to feel it,

but you're going to wake up the next day and you're not going to be dead. It's going to be like that snake analogy. You're going to expose yourself to lack intentionally. I'm going to give it away and bless somebody else. And what you're going to find is, oh, we're okay. We made it to the next month.

We made it to the next month. Okay, we're okay. We're doing it. We're doing this. All right So you're practicing giving you're practicing spending And then I also want you to look at your clutter in your house how much crap do you have clothes Collections toys. This is that's

809 screwdrivers Begin paring down some of your things. Give your body a chance to breathe. Hang on the line, I'm missing you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. I'm going to hook you up with that book and I want you and your wife to read it together and it can be your roadmap for your new marriage. Come up with that number, six months of an emergency fund and then beyond that begin practicing long-term investing, practicing saving for a thing, a house, a down payment of 20%, 10%, 5%, I don't care. You're giving money away.

You're not going to be able to think your way out of this. You're going to have to act your way out of this and outsource your way out of this. Call me anytime, my brother. You're in for a long ride because I think you got some unwinding to do from when you were younger. But, man, I need you to hear me say this. You are on the right path. Thanks for the call.

We'll be right back. Okay, I wanna tell you about my friends at Cozy Earth. Over the last few weeks, my sleep has been off, I've been spending more time on screens than I like, and I'm traveling all over the place. I'm just feeling disconnected. Here's the deal. Starting this year off right starts with good sleep, period, full stop. And that means creating a space that helps you rest.

For me and my family, that's where Cozy Earth comes in. Their bedding is soft, breathable, and it keeps us cool and comfortable all night. It helps us create that perfect sleep sanctuary that we all need to be restored. My wife sleeps in the Cozy Earth's long sleeved bamboo pajama set every night. She loves them.

And my whole family is in love with the Cozy Earth sheets and bedding and the bath linens that have the best towels in the world. And just this morning, my son came downstairs wearing my Cozy Earth Cityscape hoodie that he stole from my closet. Listen, let's do a restart this year. Let's put down the phone, let's set a regular bedtime

and get comfortable when possible. Let's everybody down the phone, let's set a regular bedtime, and get comfortable when possible, let's everybody keep their own clothes, and let's invest in our sleep, all with Cozy Earth. When we sleep and rest well, we show up better for ourselves and our families. And right now, Cozy Earth is offering a 40% off discount code exclusively for my listeners. Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code deloni for 40% off That's cozy cozy y cozy earth comm slash deloni and use code deloni at checkout All right, let's go out to Atlanta and talk to chase. Hey chase. What's going on, man? Hey, how's it going? Dr. John? All right, brother. What's up?

So kind of I guess the short version of my question is just how do I continue to heal and move on after finding some things in my girlfriend's phone that I didn't know about? How old are you? 19. How long y'all been together? Two and a half years. Okay, so this is like a first young love? You could say that, yeah. Dude, I'm not knocking it. It's like the best thing in the world. Yeah, it's been great. She's awesome. I love her. Um, what'd you find? So, and, uh, hidden folder of her photos, there were, um, pictures of her and her ex boyfriend together.

Um, and also just some screenshots of like texts with other guys that I didn't know about. How old were those text messages? They were, so they were from kind of the middle of when we first started talking. We had met about three years ago now, I guess, in September and met at a mutual friend's birthday party, kind of started talking a little bit. The first text that I saw were her confessing feelings for a guy

just a few weeks after we had met. Well, I don't have a problem with that. Yeah. I guess my bigger concern is why'd she save him? Right. Or did she save them in a secret phone and just fold and just forget about it? Yeah, that's kind of a part that I struggled with a little bit because part of it too is, I mean, so those texts were a few weeks after we had met, then we texted a little bit, not a whole lot came of it.

The other screenshots were from after we had texted the first time. And then about a month after she texted that other guy, we started texting again and have been together since. Yeah bro, y'all were 16 dude. I would let that ride. Yeah. I mean, you're 16 years old sophomores right juniors yes sir yeah and texting doesn't mean I've got exclusivity if you found messages from a couple months ago from a year ago if you

found messages from her and her boyfriend or if the pictures she had or her and him with no shirts on like and it's all oogly-woogly then yeah I would sit down have that conversation but I guess I'm struggling with with you like what do you need to heal and move on from? Like what are you trying to heal from? I guess just like the way that she had kind of always told me or I guess the story that I always knew about the beginning of our relationship was like once I met you, there was no looking back. Why were you digging around in her phone? I'm not sure.

I guess just, I don't know. You know, just say it. I guess just insecurity on my part. What are you insecure about? You've been together for two and a half years. Yeah. One of two things. Either you've sent some messages to people over the last two and a half years.

Or you're worried that she has. Either you've been kind of flirty and wondered about the long-term viability of this relationship and you've wondered what it'd be like to be with somebody else and you assume that she's wondering that too or She turns her phone over every time you walk in the room Or she has a code on her phone and won't let you look in there Where's this insecurity coming from? It's not on the side of me being flirty or texting. I guess there's, like I just have a habit of jealousy in comparison.

of jealousy in comparison. And I guess just there's really any time of like a mention of anybody else. It just like not even in like a weird, hey, this guy like is awesome or like talking about this other guy or whatever, but just any mention of like Hey this guy in my class Said I look pretty today or you know anything like that. It's just I Guess I just kind of get consumed with the jealousy and insecurity and comparison of me and him and... Where does that stem from man? That's super, super unhealthy.

You're going to blow through every relationship you have. Yeah. Because if you're dating somebody that you find beautiful and attractive and radiant and you want to be around them, other people are going to want to also. And that's not an indictment of your relationship I want other people think my wife's pretty yeah you know what I mean I want other people think my wife is brilliant and smart and fun to be around I want that where does that insecurity come from?

I'm not exactly sure. I've thought a lot about it. I think some of it is from, I guess like the girl that I was kind of with before me and my current girlfriend, we never actually dated because I knew that she wasn't the kind of girl that I wanted or needed to date. And she was just super manipulative when it, I guess, came to like using other guys. Okay, but here's what I want you to do. That's when you were 16 and 15 years old.

I don't want you to blame her for how you're acting as a 19 and a half year old. I want you to take ownership. If you get consumed with jealousy, with rage, just because somebody in your wife's, I mean your girlfriend's class says she's pretty. A, your girlfriend's telling you that because she wants to get a rise out of you. B, it works every time. It gets you all stirred up. Yeah.

But I want you to dig into that because that's gonna be a cancer in your life. And it's gonna lead you to do things that otherwise you wouldn't do. It's gonna lead you to become a person you don't wanna become. A guy who thinks he's got territory, right? That treats his significant other as a

possession. Not in the romantic way, but in the ownership way. It's gonna you're gonna be the guy that doesn't tell one of your co workers about an opportunity because you want them to have it. Yeah. And so the challenge for you is when you feel this, it's to put your fist in your chest and take a huge deep breath and recognize it. Oh man, my body's trying to protect me from feeling less than I'm gonna go for a walk

real quick. And when you're going for a walk, instead of going through every scenario, I knew she's banging other dudes. I knew it it I knew she's calling. Instead of doing that you can get yourself all worked up and fired up and your body won't know the difference. Or you can exhale and say I love that girl and she loves this guy and we're on the same team. If another guy thinks she's beautiful, good on him, he knows what's up. And I want you to practice that. But jealousy doesn't just show up here, it shows up in your finances, it shows up when your buddies get new

jobs, it shows up in college, it shows up in other places. It's gonna be a cancer in your life. And what's gonna do, it's gonna lead you to go through your girlfriend's phone, man, and dig into old secret folders that she might not even remember. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? What did she say when she found out you went through her phone? didn't necessarily ask why. I guess she was just more, you know, sorry that all that was there and that, like, I guess that I saw it because she knows it was probably not, like, for me to look at. And I mean, I guess her explanation was just like, she, I mean, she knew it was there, but also forgot that it was there at the same time.

So unless I'm missing something, it feels really benign to me. And here's the thing, my opinion doesn't matter. If you found yourself to where like, I'm not going to be able to get past this. You told me when we started, when I first time I texted you which by the way that's a whole other conversation that you are not texting anybody else and I was the only texter for you and two and a half years ago when you were 16 you fudged the truth and you were still texting other guys at the very beginning. If you can't move past that that's your that's your life. It's your world you get to do that

But you can't drag her two and a half years later through your Relationship issues you gotta let her go Yeah, if you can there's a reason we don't let 16 year olds buy beer or guns If you can there's a reason we don't let 16 year olds buy beer or guns They're 16. They're dumb. They make do dumb stuff. I guarantee you did dumb stuff when you were 16. I for sure did right? Yeah, so if what you found of your early teenage girlfriend's phone Pictures of her with an old boyfriend on some secret folder if you found old text messages that she had screenshot

if you if that invalidates the last couple of years of y'all dating and getting to know each other as y'all got older so be it cool let her go So be it. Cool. Let her go. If you say, I don't know why I'm getting so mad, dude. I think I, I think I actually care about this woman and I love her. And then I see a future together. Oh my gosh, man.

This is scary me. I didn't even have this kind of love and attraction and feeling inside my own chest. That's wild. Then deal with that. Yeah. I guess that's kind of, that's more where I'm leaning to is like, I don't know why. Like this is the girl that like I want. Like to be honest, I want to marry and like build a future with.

Okay I want you to become marryable. If you have found the person that you want to marry, the work that lies ahead of you is not to go through and screen her past, dig through her private things, as a way to duct tape over your insecurities. Your job is to face your insecurities head on. Do I have a career plan for myself? Am I working towards a purpose that's bigger than me? What kind of dad did my dad model for me? And is that the kind of dad I want to model for my kids? What kind of marriage

did my parents have and did they model that? Is that what I want to model my marriage after? And if not, get to work. Go see a counselor. Go get a gym membership. Go to college. Go get an apprenticeship. Start making a budget. Work three jobs because you're 19 years old. Are you in school right now? Yeah, I am. What are you studying? Sports management. You don't sound very convinced about it? Well, my major is sports management but I'm also getting prerequisites to go to PT school so I kind of have to give a disclaimer whenever I answer that. Do you not want to do sports management? You want to do physical therapy? As of right now yeah that's the goal, physical therapy. I had a physical therapist with a PhD in my house this weekend working on my shoulder and my arm.

I screwed my arm up. Yeah. She's magic. Magic! Changed my life. Makes me a better dad because I'm not in pain all the time. Quit being in sports management and go full into PT if that's what you want to do. Work really hard so you don't get out like some of my friends in PT and they owe $190,000 and they're going to make $ make 65 grand right out of school. And start working part-time in a physical therapist office, helping people like me with their rehab.

You see what I'm saying? Like go in and do the thing that you wanna do instead of having to like kind of duck your head and kind of laugh like, I'm managing this but I kind of want to do this. See what I'm saying? And here's all this I'm pointing to you. Stand up on your two feet tall.

Don't get jealous about petty things. Put your flag in the ground on the things that matter. Start reaching towards a future purpose. By the way, if you want to become a physical therapist because you're going to get rich, you're going to have a miserable life. If you want to be a physical therapist because you want to help people become better dads and wives and mothers and sisters and brothers and daughters, help people move.

By the way, if you get into geriatric PT right now, for the next 15 to 25 years, you're going to have a billion dollars because of our aging population. So if you want to get in there and help people, I'm telling you right now, your head's going to start to lift up. Yeah.

And you're going to let your 16 year old girlfriend off the hook for some, she did three years ago, two and a half years ago. But do you get what I'm saying when I say become a marryable man? Not a man worthy of being loved, you're already that. But become somebody that you can feel confident looking at somebody else and saying you can anchor into me. Because that's where that insecurity originates from. You don't believe that. Is that fair? Yeah, absolutely.

I think, dude, I think you're on the path. I think if I'm you, here's your next steps. Number one, I would apologize to your girlfriend tonight for going through her phone. I'd say, hey, I should not have picked up your phone and dug into your old folders. That was my insecurity and I'm sorry. I am scared at how much I love you and I'm scared at, oh my gosh, the road that is my future is starting to open up before me

and I am picturing you with me and it scares me because I don't know what that looks like. And I got into sports management because it sounded cool and my dad told me about Jerry McQuire, but I want to be a physical therapist therapist I want to go all in on that and I got to get my grades up here and I got to start studying here and I'm not to work nights over here but I'm gonna go all in on this and I'm gonna want to I want to become the man that provides a life for whatever world you want to have

and now you're starting to throw your shoulders back stand up taller and you're not looking for I shoulders back, stand up taller. And you're not looking for, I want to feel good by whatever's in your phone. And you do what I say and you text who you are. No. I'm going to begin to find confidence and strength and esteem through repeatedly doing the next right thing. Becoming a marryable man. Becoming a marryable man, becoming a hireable man, becoming

a man that when somebody like me comes in after knee surgery and says, Hey, can you help me? You look at me in the eye and go, I got you. We're gonna have you dunk in a basketball soon. By the way, I can't dunk a basketball. That's how we deal with the insecurity, inside out. So I'd start with an apology, brother, and go from there. This is the one for you. You're gonna have tons and tons of stumbles

and roadblocks and hurdles and falling down. That's gonna be the path. Be a confident, strong, courageous man that you can be anchored into so that when those storms hit, you're not whipping around going through people's phones for God's sakes. Thanks for the call brother. I can't wait to see what happens next for you. We'll be right back. Okay, before we get back to the show, let's talk about Organifi. Good folks, health and wellness is an adventure

and a journey, it's not a destination. You can never eat so great or work out so hard on one particular day that you're good for the entire next month. Being well and being healthy is something you work on every single day. And I'm not perfect by a long shot and you're probably not either.

Our health and wellness journeys have stops and starts and highs and lows, victories and setbacks. And one way to make your journey easier is to make consistently healthy choices about what you eat and drink. This is why I love Organifi, because their whole food blends contain only the best. They're plant-based, certified organic, vegan,

dairy-free and soy-free ingredients. And Organifi makes it super easy to get the benefits. Just mix it with water or your favorite healthy beverage. That's it! Their green juice is great in the morning. It's packed with superfoods that help boost your energy, calm your mind, and support you throughout the day. And Organifi red juice is loaded with antioxidants to help with focus, stamina, and recovery.

Make Organifi part of your health and wellness journey. Go to organifi.com slash deloni right now to save 20% off at checkout with code deloni. That's organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash deloni and use code deloni for 20% off. All right, we're back. Kelly, can you imagine this? Can you imagine being 16 or 17? And having all of your like flirty romantic Back and forth written down on some server somewhere No, and thank god

that I was raised in an era where that's not the case. I know there are letters I've written that haunt me that are going to come back one day. And I'm so glad that I had my stupid, especially like that, where that guy, you know, 19 to like 25 year old phase without cell phones, without digital pictures. No record, no record. There's a shoe box in the closet that I probably should burn that has pictures of my wild days and that's where it needs to stay.

It doesn't ever need to, I don't have to worry about it popping up somewhere. I don't know much, but I know that I'm glad that that part of my life is not recorded. Amen. Because the stupid things that were said that these days would get you fired or canceled or whatever, you know, that we all do. I mean, I wasn't that kind of person. No, but you know, just the stupid things we all say.

I spent so much of my time serving the poor and in like church Bible studies. Really? Hey, you can get this show one week early on the Ramsey app. You can download it in the show notes. Nah, I'm just glad. Listen to you younger folks. Just don't, just don't write it all down. Just don't write it all down.

There's going to come a moment when AI pushes a button and it makes every text ever sent public. Sortable by name. That day's going to come. Whoa. In the meantime, go to the Ramsey Network app, you can download this show and click subscribe on YouTube and leave me a 5 star review that says, this is wonderful. Love you guys.

Bye. Hey, what's up folks? Big news. The Dr. John Deloney show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right. You can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else.

And the best part, it's completely free. Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.