The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?

Episode Date: March 7, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·      A husband frustrated by his wife’s phone use ·      A young man wondering how to discuss future concerns with his girlfriend ·      A wife unsure how to help her husband and kids connect Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at BON CHARGE. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.  💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.  🏋️ Go to trainwell to get started!   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

How can I talk to my wife about her cell phone use without causing defensiveness? It's hard for me to push through that and for us to get through that barrier. You're never going to get through that barrier until you'll deal with the way you treated her in the past. What up? what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney show, taking your calls about your relationships, your marriages, your kids, your emotional and mental health, whatever you got going on in your life. For 20 years, 20 plus years, man, I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move when everything's falling apart. Give

me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask a SK fill out the form or leave a message and we'll holler back girl let you love to have you on the show. So it's a Denver, Colorado, Denver C.O. and talk to Martin. What's up, Martin? Hey, how you doing today? I'm doing all right, brother. How about you, man?

I'm doing well. Thank you for having me on your show. I really appreciate it. Absolutely, man. What's up? So my question is, how can I talk to my wife about her cell phone use without causing defensiveness? about her cell phone use without causing defensiveness. That's my favorite question of the day so far, Martin.

Without causing defensiveness, why is that your goal? So there's a lot of background to, background to, to the question. Um, okay. Let it rip. So the first half of the first eight or nine years of our marriage were very, uh, emotionally abusive from my side. And it caused a lot of walls, um, between us. Okay. And when I would come home from work and I would see the house is dirty or things that weren't the way I wanted them. And I would notice that maybe she was on her phone. I would automatically say, well, you've been on your phone for multiple hours. Why haven't you been cleaning the house? And that, that has led to other conversations to other conversations, to other areas of our marriage.

And now I feel like when I talk to her about her being on her cell phone, it automatically brings up all the things from the past. And it's hard for me to push through that and for us to get through that barrier. You're never going to get through that barrier until you'll deal with the way you treated her in the past. Right. Like you have to, you have to heal that. Sure.

And we spent a lot of time in counseling and a lot of, um, um, that's all well and good. Are you different now? Yes. Okay. Does she acknowledge that and accept that? Yes. Okay. Does she acknowledge that and accept that? Yes. Okay. But it still can. So that old self, I feel like she's thinking that it's still going to come up and that can still cause walls. And if I walk in the house and I see the house

is dirty and I have the look on my face like I used to have on my face, she immediately goes to, she's not enough and she's not good enough. And I'm going right back to those things. And I'm not sure how to get past that. You can't, and that's the hard part. She's gonna have to make a choice. And so it's, what you're experiencing is really common.

So let's take this out of this situation because it's pretty raw with you. Let's say your wife cheated on you, okay? You walk through it all, you all figure it out, you get it all squared up, you decide to stay together, you all build something new. And then here you are four years later, and you bebop into the house 30 minutes early,

and she looks surprised, and she sets her phone down face-down vert really quick Mm-hmm your body has a GPS pin in it. It's gonna remember. Oh, I know exactly what she's doing I've seen this play out before true and as a part of having a well regulated Home moving forward, two things have to be true. One, you have to call out, hey, my body's doing it,

just notice this and this and this behavior. And y'all have a plan already in action where she goes, oh God, here's my phone. Right, you've already talked about, when I see you flip your phone over, it just sets, my body goes to set off. The second thing is, is you have to feel it, exhale and say that was then,

I wasn't safe then, but I'm safe now. That's a choice you have to make in that moment. And so your wife for eight or nine years, almost a decade experienced living in the home And so your wife for eight or nine years, almost a decade experienced living in the home with an overbearing dad. Oh yeah, big time. Okay.

And she's probably had scars from her own dad because that tends to be how those cycles work. And then she married another version of him. And so now she's in a home, you'll have worked really hard, how those cycles work and then she married another version of him and so now she's in a home you'll have worked really hard you'll have changed you've changed you've literally not just stopped getting mad about the house being a little bit dirty to your liking but you've let that go right and by the way I'm doing my best yes well it's we can talk about that in a second.

Okay. But I'm going to say women, but I'm saying it, people in positions of lesser power, kids are incredible face readers. They're incredible body energy tuners, if you will, because they have to. That's how they stay safe. I say often women, but women are usually smaller. They're in a more precarious position

if both of you get mad, right? So they are very good, not always, but sometimes, at identifying body language. They can feel you walk in the door. And so you can say, oh, it's good to see you, but she knows, oh God, he's pissed. I can feel it on him, right? And so that means you have to do the work

to regulate your nervous system. And that's not just going to counseling and learning some tips and tricks. That's you getting to the root work to regulate your nervous system. And that's not just going to counseling and learning some tips and tricks. That's you getting to the root of why in the world would something as trivial as dishes in the sink make me mad? Why would I outsource my joy to that? That's ridiculous. And then you get into other things,

but that's your work to do, brother. But let's get to her. She's gonna have to choose when she sees that flash across your face to feel that less than, ask herself, is it true? Yeah, I actually just sat here on the phone for five hours today and didn't do anything.

Or, no, I've been working hard all day, he just caught me just in this one weird moment. And she's gonna have to choose to move on too. Does that make sense? Yep. So you can't You can't solve that for her is what I would say My bigger question is what is it about being inside her own home that she still has to hide? Inside of a cell phone. So think of a cell phone as Xanax nowadays

Scrolling is a way to numb out, to be present. It's like alcohol. It's like I'm here, but I'm not there. What is it about her own home that she feels like she has to hide inside of? That's a good question. Because here's the sucky thing about, let's take the phone away. Let's pretend she drank. Every day you came home and she had a tumbler full of vodka. Okay?

The question we don't often ask is what is going on in her life that her body has figured out is this is the best way we can handle this problem. Or said in another way, alcohol works, man. Yeah. And my ultimate, I mean, Scrolling Instagram works. You can scroll for an hour and it makes part of your day go away. Right.

Yeah. And I feel like I've pushed her to that point to where she wants to do that and needs because of my actions early in our marriage. That is just, um, she's got some autonomy. She's got some autonomy. Okay. Because again, that comes back to that. I put you right back and this is going to sound really strange.

Um, you assume a lot of power over her and probably others too. I put you right back and this is gonna sound really strange. You assume a lot of power over her and probably others too. And so here's a way to kind of deflate that. You're not powerful enough to do that for her. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. Just the same as you were not powerful enough to scare her into cleaning your house for you.

You were not powerful enough to scare her into treating your kids the way you demanded they be treated or have sex with you just as much and as often as I would have. You realize you don't have that kind of power. You can scare somebody and you can corral them and for a period of time you can force when you have a power differential, but you just set the whole relationship on fire and you found out you didn't

love that, right? You don't even like that. Yeah. Yeah. Much less the hell she was living in. Right. The bigger question is, go ahead, go ahead. I just, I love her so much and I just...I want to get past this to where this isn't a thing anymore.

And I...I'm just not sure what to do. How long since you guys have really been working hard on...on practicing doing the right things? Several years. Okay. since we started doing it. Okay. Yeah. And we had a major life shift about six years ago. We had dealt with infertility for years, about 10 years, and then we're looking at our future and what God had for us.

And then she became pregnant and now we have two boys. And it's totally changed the trajectory of our marriage. And so we've had to start to build something new and that's caused a lot of frictions along the way. Sure. And so. So, you say it changed the trajectory of your marriage. We all headed towards divorce and then she got pregnant and you decided to stay together?

No, we were like, okay, well, you know, we've been trying for 10 years and I just, we don't think we're going to have kids again. So now let's start looking past when our daughter graduates high school and what that's going to look like. And we're looking in the future and now we're not going to have a house of kids. And then now we have two young kids and yeah. Okay, so let's go all the way back to the beginning. Do you like Martin?

Sometimes. How come? A lot of self doubt. Where does that self doubt come from? I feel like I'm not good enough. Who told you that? The way I was raised. Tell me more. I was never affirmed by my father. Okay. And when there was issues with my father, I was never affirmed by my father.

I was never affirmed by my father. I was never affirmed by my father. Okay. And when there was issues with my father, I was never affirmed by my father. Okay. And when there was issues with my father, I was never affirmed by my father. Okay. And when there was issues with my father, I was never affirmed by my father.

Okay. And when there was issues with my father, I was never affirmed by my father. Okay. And when there was issues with my father, I was never affirmed by my father. Okay. And when there was issues with my father, I was never affirmed by my father. Okay. And when there was issues with my father, I was never affirmed by my father. Okay. And when there was issues with my father, I was never affirmed by my father. Okay. And when there was issues in the house, it was always put on me. Okay. And my parents would fight and then my dad would leave and it would always, it always felt like it was my fault. And then

my mom would try to protect me and coddle me through that. Okay. And, uh, yeah, so I have a lot of, yeah, I fight with that a lot. And so you, you recreated the exact same pattern where you'd walk into your own house and not feel comfortable in your own skin and you blamed her for it. 100%. Okay. Even, even more so in our house than when I was a kid. Okay. Yes.

And usually that's how family trauma rolls down generationally is it amplifies itself. Yep. Okay. And yet here we are. So the question I want to ask you is what are you going to do now? And I want to back up and maybe this is inappropriate, but will you go with a reframe

on a reframe with me for a second? Sure. Okay. For the first eight or nine years, you had a picture of your in your head of what your life was going to look like. You're going to have kids, you're going to have chaos. It was going to be fun. It was going to be this. And you were not going to be the dad your dad was. And then you got a decade of infertility. And I've been there, not for a decade, but for a lot of years. And what I didn't understand is how much anger got built into that.

Cause I was, and how many 16 year old are having kids and is what about us? And I had a picture of my house is gonna be and every time I came home, it was a reminder of that picture is not happening and then you did what you defaulted to how you were raised which is everybody else needs to fix their crap and that's why I don't feel good yeah and then you did something that your old man never did here's the the reframe. You said enough is enough.

I'm going to change. And you asked for forgiveness from your wife. Is that right? Mm hmm. And you did something crazy in your line of men and that's go to a therapist. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah.

You've been trying and working hard and you've been doing the doing the actiony things for the last couple of years. So I'm going to tell you something I don't think you would expect me to say to you. I'm proud of you for the work you're doing. You're changing the whole thing. Thank you. I know it's cool in academic circles and in Hollywood movies to flip a switch That's not how it works in real life and you've put in a ton of work

Mm-hmm. And so I want you to think of the work you've done over the last two years you and your wife is The whole house fell down and y'all have been doing the worst part of building a house, which is leveling a foundation Redigging it out, breaking up the concrete, repouring it, leveling it, having to do the porch again and this thing's off and that back corner sagging, you finally got the foundation poured. And now the phone is just a it's a proxy dude. It's the light on your dashboard. It's a proxy dude. It's a it's a it's the light on your dashboard That your wife is uncomfortable in her own home in her own skin

Yeah, okay and my guess is your energy coming in the door tells her the exact same thing about you So this is a beautiful moment after a couple of years of hard work that you and her get away. And you set it up, you deal with the childcare, you deal with all of it. You get away for half a day or you get away for a day. And you sit down and say, I'm gonna go one layer deeper and I want this house to feel safe and I want you to feel alive inside this house.

What must be true for us to build the house we want to build now? And here's what some of the questions look like. Not why won't you get off your phone? But how could I love you in a way that made being on your phone like a total useless waste of your time What is a way that I could contribute to making this house feel so safe that this is the place that you think of more than Any other place in the world where you want to be? Want that for sure. Yeah, I know you do you've other place in the world where you want to be. I want that for sure. Yeah, I know you do. You've been putting in the work, man.

I'm proud of you. Yeah. If you'd call me six years ago, this would be a very different call, right? But I see you putting it in, man. Yeah. How old are your kids? 25, 16, 5 and 3. Oh my gosh.

Geez, dude. You have a three year old? Yes sir. And he is an absolute joy. Of course. Oh, I just love him to death. He's finally got mature parents. Yes. Oh, I just love him to death. He's finally got mature parents, man. That's awesome.

Yes. Whose self-worth isn't hinging on how he acts in any given moment, right? Mm-hmm. So what if you, with a smile on your face, said, Hey honey, we survived. I love you more than life itself. I'm all in. And you stayed with me and I see the work than life itself. I'm all in and you stayed with me

and I see the work you've done. And I'm so grateful that you hung in there with us. Now we've chosen a marriage where we're working on the activities, but we're choosing a marriage that is adventure free, that is novelty free, that is life free. We get in a routine. And some part of having a three-year-old is about routine.

You just gotta do the same thing over and over every day and you gotta grind that one out. But we get to decide how this home feels every day we walk in. We get to decide our adventure levels. So I'm gonna turn off the TV. It makes me, I feel less than when you're sitting there on your phone. What are some things I could do? What are some ways I could love you to

make the phone so boring and lame? What is the phone allowing you to hide from? And you've got some things you hide from too, so you can put those behaviors on the table too. Let's go there, let's go to the deeper stuff. And at the end of the day, here's this, we've chosen this life, and that means we can choose something else, something awesome. Start there. And man, if you both wanna call me,

we can keep going, I would love it. But I want Martin to start liking Martin. I want Martin to stop paying penance for who Martin used to be. I don't want Martin to start owning who he gets to be moving forward. And I have a feeling that will change the entire energy in your home. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back.

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internet but we can make our personal data personal again with Delete Me. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20% off all of the Delete Me plans and that comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney right now to sign up. That's J-O-I-N joindeleteme.com slash deloney. Alright, let's go out to Los Angeles, California and talk to James. Hey James, what's up? Hey John. What's up dude? Thank you for taking, not that much. Thanks for taking my call. I'm stoked to talk to

you. Awesome. I love talking to talk to you. Awesome. I love talking to a Southern California guy who says the word stoked right out of the gate and makes me happy. What's up? You know it. Hey, my question today is how do I address hesitations about marriage due to my girlfriend's plans and some financial concerns? I think the first thing is you take ownership

of your hesitations and don't put them on her. Absolutely. And I want to preface this by saying we have a great relationship and I absolutely want to marry her. But I've also noticed that I've been internally wrestling with two hurdles that I can tell are keeping me from saying, all right, let's do this thing.

So the hurdle one is she wants to move states away from my family. And I also would rather live in a different state, but I haven't fully accepted the reality of raising my kids away from my parents. And I just want my parents to be involved in my childhood or my kids' childhood. And then hurdle two is her mother is going to need assistance and my girlfriend wants to be a stay at home mom. And I'm concerned with raising a family on a single income with the potential of also supporting my future mother-in-law. And I currently make a good salary, but I just feel like it's not enough.

And like you said on ownership, I'm just wondering if I'm holding on to not stepping up and owning these things and just saying, babe, I love you. I'm going to go through life with you and we're going to figure everything out along the way. You just nailed it right there. Every single person I know, myself included, has had to grieve the fact that they had a picture in their head of how their parents were going to be involved and it didn't look like that in reality.

That was never on my wife. It was on me. Yeah. And quite honestly, it wasn't on me. My parents are grownups. They get to do what they want to do. And because I don't come from a home of billionaires, they didn't buy me a house and a plot of land and give me a job next door to them. Yep.

And so I had to do what I thought was best for my family. Actually me and my wife did. Right? And so I moved away and I grieve that. Bums me out. And they have jobs, they have lives, they've got a whole world too. How old is your wife, I mean your soon to be wife's mom? She's around 60. So you're projecting a potential challenge 20 years from now? Yes. She does have, she's had a lot of hardships and still is having health issues and currently

has someone help her out throughout the week. But I guess I'm concerned, like I'm a little stressed about being a single income home. Okay. What's the number? Like I'm a little stressed about being a single income home. Okay, what's the number? 110,000. No, no, no, not that, not your income, not your income. I'm talking about, if you sat down with your wife and you said, I want to have this much money in the bank

for the day your mom says I need to move in with you. Mm-hmm. Would you knuckle down for two years with us and we're just going to funnel that money into an account? Yeah. And this is my commitment, this is, this is my, not my commitment to you fund, but I don't want to be an anxious mess walking around all the time. Absolutely. And do you know if mom has, if her mom has support, if there's federal

programs, if there's money? I don't believe so. Do you know that to be true though? I know that she gets assistance. Okay. So I don't know that I would count on that just going away. Maybe. Who knows what's gonna happen in 20 years. Yeah. But let me pan back 30,000 feet and look at this with you. Up in the clouds looking down, okay? Okay. There's a 1000% chance you'll have struggles

your first year of marriage. Yes. There's a 1000% chance at some point, one of you gets laid off, one of your job changes dramatically You've got a wild swing up or down in finances One or both of your if y'all stay married long enough all of your parents will pass away Yeah

All of your parents will do something at some point that you wish they hadn't done revolving on your grandkids or your marriage or something something at some point that you wish they hadn't done revolving on your grandkids or your marriage or something. And so trying to pre-solve all of those problems, or as Brene Brown says, trying to dress rehearse tragedy. What it does is it does two things. Number one, it's fake. It's false. It gives you a false sense of security that you have any idea what it's going to actually

feel like when your mom passes Yeah, any idea what it feels like when your mother-in-law decides I'm moving in And of course, that's the month your wife's gonna find out she's having twins Right Yep, or that you thought it was gonna feel like when there's a big economic correction and everybody's job goes like dressers There's something about having a math problem, right? I'm with you. I want a number. I want a number in savings account It's my emergency fund. I'm with you on that

But anything else is me Using future pain as a way to numb up current present day decision I need to make. It's a Xanax. The second part of it is, here's the only question you need to ask yourself. Will I wake up every single day and come what may, good stuff, bad stuff? I will make it my mission to love you in the best way that I know how. And part two to that is, vulnerably, will you make that same commitment that you'll wake up every day and decide to love me the best way you know how? Because together we can get through

anything. thing. Yep. That's beautiful. And she's the type of girl that will do that. She'll do that with me and I'll do that with her. So are you in? I'm in. I'm all in. Game on? Game on.

Okay. If you get married, and mom needs a place to go, and wife says the only right move is mom to move in with us, then y'all figure that problem out together. Yep. And if you say, I see what's coming and I don't want to have a mother-in-law living with me, then break up with your girlfriend and set her free.

But holding on to one of those things and holding your girlfriend and future wife's head underwater is not fair. Yeah. And I can feel that that's a pain point for me right now. But when I go back to that 30,000 foot view, like you said, like she's the one that I want to go through life with. Okay. So it might be you saying, okay, what is it about having an elderly person in my house?

Is it that I can't walk around in my underwear? Is it that I'm worried about money? And if it keeps coming back to your fear of money, I grew up in a home that it was sketchy on groceries sometimes. Yeah. We never went hungry, but man, it was pretty dang close. So, my dad borrowed a lot from groceries sometimes. Yeah. We never went hungry but man it was pretty dang close and my dad borrowed a lot from grocery sometimes. Yeah. So the challenge was me working

through my money anxiety had nothing to do with wanting to take care of an elderly woman and the most honorable way possible had to do with I felt less than an insecure. Yep. And that's a me problem. That's a you problem. Right? Exactly. Exactly. And by the way, brother, if you're like 99.9% of us,

this, you're still gonna feel nervous. It's okay. How long have you been together? Almost two years. Okay. How old are you? I'm 32. Man, you know. I know. So what's the hang up? Give me a 10 second hang up. I think right now I see my sister with her kids and my parents and I see that picture that I had in my mind. And it's just tough for me, you know? Like when I grew up, we were at my grandparents all the time and running around in the cold of sack and it's tough to, I guess, remove that, you know, from my future kids.

When you think of it that way, you've made it an item of scarcity. Yes. It was an awesome blessing that you had grown up like that. It was amazing. Yeah. And the world is different now. Yeah. And it's very, very expensive to start a young family in California.

Yeah. It's prohibitive. And it's very, very expensive to start a young family in California. It's prohibitive. And so what does it look like to like me and my family just did the other day have some adoptive grandparents on your street? My son still goes when we go to West Texas, There was a Miss Tarver who lived next door. She was in her late, late eighties, maybe early nineties. She would share a Fig Newtons and he would pull up little weeds in her garden. They hung out.

My son was two. He was three. He was four. They were best buddies. I would have done anything for that to be my mom, but it wasn't. My mom was a professor in another town. And so I grieve like, ah, man, that would be, whew. And it made my grandparents' house,

I mean, my parents, my kids' grandparents' house that much more special when we went and visited. It made it a magical place to the point now that my son says he has to live a minimum of one hour away from me just because he wants it to be magic when he comes home. All I have to say is you get to inject what happens next, the joy, the laughter, the fun, the excitement,

and none of it, trying to recreate your childhood, a, won't be what you remember it to be in reality, but also, man, it robs you of any future adventure you can stumble into. And think of you the way your sister's doing it right now. That's like her having a car that you want. That's cool. I can afford that car. Sweet. That would be awesome. We get to come once every four months and visit mom and dad and it's magic for the kids. And by the way, you don't have any kids yet. It's like four or five years down the road. Right? And how, hey, this is important. Have the values conversation. Your wife has said, hey, if we have children, I want to be a state home mom. Cool. What must be true financially for us then? And let's start planning for that right now.

Let's don't get surprised and go bananas like young couples in their early 30s do financially when they find themselves dual income. Let's go out every night. Let's just let us live hyper intentional. So after 24 months, we don't owe anybody anything in the world except for a mortgage. Let's don't go out to eat a whole bunch

when we're newlyweds. Let's just grind it and grind it and get a humongous emergency fund so we're safe. And then when we get, have our first kid, we can all exhale. That's gonna be awesome, just how we planned it. And my last thing to you, James, before I let you go, almost always when I talk to a young man

who's like, I don't know, I don't know, I should, I know everything's right, that guy, when he looks in the mirror, doesn't believe he's worth hitching his wagon to. So you've talked to me about your future wife, you've talked to me about her potential mother's health challenges, you've talked to me about your parents and potential moving and

finances, I want you to look in the mirror and ask yourself, am I a man worth marrying? Am I a marryable man? And the answer to that question is yes, but underneath that is, what are the things you need to lean into? Your tendencies, your addictions, your challenges, places where you want to grow. Lean in there. And that's a problem for you to fix, not for the external world to come solve for you. Thanks for the call, my brother. Send me a picture when y'all decide when y'all gonna get married.

If you get married in Nashville, I'll come. Party on dude. We'll be right back. Hey good folks, let's talk about Helix. All right, do me a favor. Close your eyes and think about your mattress. Be honest. Is it lumpy and gross and full of weird stains? And do you think about how comfortable your home mattress is every time you're staying out of town or staying in some hotel? You know it and I know it. Your entire life would be better

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Go to helixsleep.com slash deloney today for 20% off your mattress. That's helix, H-E-L-I-X. HelixSleep.com slash Deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right. Let's go to Fort Wayne, Indiana and talk to Elizabeth. Hey, Elizabeth, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? So good. How are you? Doing okay. Doing okay.

What's up? So, some quick context. I have a daughter who is nine and then I have a son who's 11. And my husband loves our kids in the best way that he knows how, but he lacks the tools to know how to like really connect with them kind of on a deep level. And since fathers are, you know, the examples for their daughters of how, you know, a woman should be treated, I want to address an issue now so that she won't settle for this in the future for less than she deserves. So my question is, how can I help my husband and my daughter build a better, like more

trusting, stronger relationship. Do you realize the gravity of the question you're asking? I'm beginning to. Okay. Yeah. So a couple of things. Go ahead. I was just going to say there's definitely like an urgency in my heart to address this now because she's halfway to adulthood. So I'm sensing that urgency now. Okay, two big flags shot up for me just now. Flag number one is when you say he's a great dad, but he doesn't know how to connect with him at a deep level, what does that mean?

So I guess there is just not a lot of like connection or, or intentional interaction with them. And I say them, this question is about my daughter, but you know, it kind of applies to both of them. Um, so does he come home and plop on the couch and just turn a game on or go to a study and scroll his phone? Yeah, so that, yep, that, or he goes to the garage and does his thing in the garage for

a while. Okay. It's just, yeah, it's like there's no, there's not really any intentional interaction. And then like, you know, he, if he comes home from work and they're not in the room that he's in, you know, he doesn't like go seek them out. He doesn't go find them. I mean, it may be two or three hours that they're home or that he's home, I'm sorry, before he has any interaction with them.

Like there's just not a ton of intentionality there. So when they do interact, you know, it's for the most part, it's good. It's normal, but you can just, it's pleasant. Most of the time it's pleasant. Yeah. They're not always, but sometimes. So let me ask you this. This is a deeper, harder question.

Okay. Mm-hmm. And he's not on the phone, so I can't talk to him. So I can only ask you questions. Okay. Right. Has he learned over the last nine, 10, 11 years that he doesn't do this thing right

and that this is Elizabeth's home and this is how you need to do things? And he's learned that his kids don't really like him. And so he's come to the conclusion, however false it may be that the greatest gift he can give his family is to go to work, make sure the direct deposit's still functioning and stay out of everybody's way. Um, I don't, I mean, I don't, I don't think so.

Maybe I don't, maybe. Um, I know, I, I mean, okay. So this is my perspective and I realized that there's two sides to the story, but he has a lot I can tell. And I know for a fact, he has a lot of internal struggles with his own like self-worth and you know, depression. depression he he hasn't been diagnosed with anything but it's pretty obvious he's very like moody and irritable most of the time or at least you know at least half the time and so I guess I've assumed that the disappearing is like his way of coping. He doesn't have to interact.

If he doesn't have to interact, then he can't be asked questions or can't be burdened with anything. That's sort of how I have interpreted what's happening. Okay. And if you, And if, you've probably, if you ever listened to the show, you hear me talk about a dance the couples get into, all couples get into, me and my wife get into, every couple gets into the dance.

And they're very hard to peel back. But one thing I want you to just ask yourself and examine is sometimes when we know that someone we love has depression or they're struggling with an anxious season, right? And by the way, all these diagnostic things are just a cluster of symptoms, right? Right. Right. But if he knows I'm walking into the door, my wife's already cast this judgment about me. And my feelings don't even working right, according to her.

I don't put my clothes up the right way. I don't. When I got home, I just needed to exhale for a second, but I needed to actually go into my kid's bedroom and knock on their door where I don't really know what to say. I don't know how to say it. And here's what I'm hearing across the country. Men are increasingly not like being at home because their homes feel like a failure factory. And that's not on you, but it's something to be cognizant about

That the world tells men you need to be doing this and you have to do this and you if you haven't done this Oh my gosh, and then you're not doing enough housework here, which is there's some truth to all of this Right, right, but it has to be content like contextualized in this is what works for us Okay, sure. So answering your original question, how do does a, does a dad build a, oh, let me ask you one more thing. Here's the second thing, the second flag that went up all the way back. Geez Louise, I'm talking too much. That's okay. And again, tell me if I'm wrong. Okay, I will.

What is your husband not bringing you? What is he not providing for you? I don't know how to properly answer that. I would say- Just vomit. Just vomit it. Oh, boy. I would say there's definitely a lack of emotional security.

I just... Yeah, I kind of... He seems like a ticking time bomb. Not that an explosion would be anything like, you know, he's not abusive or anything like that, but his moods are very unsettling to me. My wife once told me it felt like I had a nuclear reactor in my chest. Yeah. And I never yelled. I didn't swear in our house. Of course, I would never hit anybody, anything like that.

But she said, oh, I knew. Right. I could feel it. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah his yeah kind of yeah his is not he doesn't scream But he is very like very harsh very critical in his tone and it's he he treats I gotta back that up a little bit The way the way that he speaks to me in the way that I see him speak to our kids Makes me feel very much like a burden or an inconvenience little bit. The way that he speaks to me and the way that I see him speak to our kids makes me feel very much like a burden or an inconvenience. He's just very quick to be irritable, very

quick to be not judgmental, but just, I don't know, just very irritated. Very, yeah, but dismissive in a way that's like, oh, you know, like I, he was, yeah. So- So here's what's important. Okay. I don't want you casting that on your daughter. I know, and I have worried that that's been part of my thing. No, no, no, no, no. I think I've done- You're trying to solve his relationship with her,

which needs to be addressed, okay? And I'll give you some tips on that. Okay. But you have to sit down with him and have this conversation. I know. Cause you're hoping that if he fixes it over here, it will somehow, the greatest gift a father can give

his daughters twofold. Number one, she needs to know every single day how grateful you are that of all the daughters in the world, you got picked to get that one. That she's beautiful and loved no matter what, come what may That's number one number two. The greatest gift a dad can give his daughter is to On a minute by minute hour by hour day by day basis

Love her mother recklessly Yeah And so you're trying to solve a problem over here. The problem is between the two of you Yeah Yeah, I I think I would agree. So the hardest thing for most couples is that. Now here's some low level tips. Every kid is different.

My son loves together time, long drives. We drove to Texas for the holidays this year instead of flying, because he loves road trips We just just me and him in a car was awesome He likes going to hunt with me. I was gonna fish with me. He likes time with Mm-hmm. That also means when I'm out in the garage, I invite him out there all the time He didn't always come especially as he's getting older Dude, when he was younger it made every job take five hours longer

Yeah But he came and was awesome so presence with my daughter last night we have an Olympic wrestling mat up in our living room we wrestle she's maniacal and last night I gave her boxing gloves and it was like I'd unleashed and like round like like the second boss on a video game. Like, oh, she's awesome. But here's the thing, it's intentional. And we, or I had to, I gambled a half yesterday for her. We had a Candyland tournament the other night,

just talking trash. And we made a bet I lost. So I had to give her a half yesterday on this weekend. Here's the deal. Whether it's Candyland, whether it's wrestling, whether it's kicking a soccer ball, whether it's making a drive, the word there is intentional. And you just got to know what that is. The master underneath that ticking time bomb you're talking about is your husband's got some demons that I can almost guarantee you originated when he was a kid.

Yeah, they did. And he has to choose. I'm gonna deal with those. Okay. And if he doesn't, he is, it's the old backpack analogy. He has a backpack and when he was a kid, some adults in his life shoved a whole bunch of bricks in him and he can deal with them. He can go to a therapist, he can go to a trauma therapist.

Almost every man that I know who struggles with what your husband struggles with has some sort of abuse in their childhood. He did, yeah. Yeah, pretty bad. Almost everyone. And every day he's at war to not scream, yell or punch. And he's fighting so hard and he's doing good work.

And it's hard to get a man on the other side of it to say, whoa, that's not the solution. The solution is just be free. Not to fight harder. Right. Right, but you can't do that. I can't do that. He's got to decide to do that

and go sit with a trauma therapist and work through that. If he doesn't, he's choosing to take that backpack full of bricks and hand it to his kids and say, y'all carry this. I didn't want to do the work to set it down. Period. Okay. Okay. But y'all need to work on y'all's marriage. Yeah. Because your kids don't want to be around him right now because they feel that nuclear reactor more than you do. Right. Right. And I can, that's what I'm sensing. They want to hug him

but it's like hugging an electric fence. They can't. It hurts. Right. Yeah I can, that's what I'm sensing. They want to hug him, but it's like hugging an electric fence. They can't, it hurts. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I totally agree with that. And then they back up and then you get frustrated. He realizes he failed and he just goes in the garage and the whole thing starts over again. Yep. That sounds right.

And I'm not saying that you just go cheer him on like, you're so great. Right? I get that. But you're the only person in that house that can lean into that electric fence mm-hmm yeah okay so I guess then my question would be so I have in the past and it's been a long time because he was so like dismissive of it but I have in the past and it's been a long time because he was so Like dismissive of it, but I have in the past said, you know based off of your childhood You have a lot of things you need to tackle, you know You need to address and and he he does not think that he has a problem. He does not see the issue

So do you have any thoughts or suggestions then on how I can? Bring it up to him again in a way that maybe he'll understand? Yes, you have to use I statements. Here's why. Okay. He's been fighting his whole life. And when you say you need to do some stuff, those gloves come on instantaneous.

He's like Wolverine. Those blades shoot out without even thinking about it. Mm-hmm. He's like Wolverine, those blades shoot out without even thinking about it. Because somebody's been saying, you need to satisfy my sexual desires. You need to take the blame for my failures as an adult. He's been doing that since he was a little kid. You're going to turn the flip of the script as you look at him dead in the eye, holding his hands and say, I don't feel safe around you.

I don't feel safe in my own living room. Not because you're gonna hit me but because I keep trying to plug into you and I don't feel loved in this house. I make money I let you do whatever you want. I know, but I want you. Or I miss you. And I keep trying to hug you and I keep getting electrocuted. That's good. Will you fight your way back to me? Most men who had childhoods where they were hurt in some shape, form or fashion are so

vigilant about making sure the people around them are not hurt that when they come to realize the very things that kept you safe as a kid are hurting the people that you love the most. That sometimes is the crack in the armor that they'll say, okay, I go talk to somebody. And by the way, when I went and met with the person that ended up walking me through the most healing adventure I've ever been on, I went in full protest after I had a PhD in counseling, by the way. Wow. okay. I was not happy to go. I went as a sort of middle finger to my wife. Oh Like fine. Okay. Watch this. I'll even go do that

And I happen to go to a trauma therapist and she's just I felt it like she she gets she Stared a hole right through me. She knew right when I walked in she knew And that was the first time ever I felt like, oh man, I met my match. So it's not like the clouds will part. Here's the answer. Oh, so what do you want me to do? Go see one of those stupid counselors? Just one time when you go sit with somebody and tell them what actually happened, what really happened to you. Okay.

Let's get back to the original question. What do you want this house to feel like when you come home? How can I love you through that? How can I love you to that? And then you have to look in the mirror, probably get with a counselor, a couple of good friends or a minister, like whatever, whoever you make decisions with. So, okay, here's you or what?

I got a nine year old daughter. I want to be in a relationship where my daughter has a vivid feeling and a picture of what love looks like, what a marriage looks like, how a husband loves his wife. I don't have that. And how a wife loves her husband. I haven't done that well myself. I'm going to work on that. Or what?

I'm going to leave. I'm just going to make peace with it, you get to decide that. But yes, everybody can have an or what statement, but every or what statement comes with choices. Thanks for the call Elizabeth, you all have some hard, hard conversations coming, okay? The one piece of advice I'll give you on those conversations is write everything down beforehand. And if there's some old default behaviors that you both go to, just know they're coming. Plan for them, breathe through them, and keep on moving. Thanks for the call.

We'll be right back. All right, good folks, listen. The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean the endless streams of lame videos or the rise of AI influencers. I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs. These things can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use bond charge products all the time, literally every single day, and I love them.

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Use coupon code deloni to save 15% off your entire order. All right, we're back. Kelly, am I the problem? Let it rip. All right. So Jill writes, my husband and I drove separately to meet family for dinner. The restaurant parking lot was full. I found a spot in a nearby lot and walked a bit, but my husband decided to save time

and park in the next door adult triple X super store parking lot. Oh man. Hey, I got to props that guy. That's a great story. He'd made up real fast on the fly. We live in a small town and he drives a very recognizable truck. This is awesome. I asked him if the issue arose again, I would prefer that he park somewhere else to avoid

anyone seeing his truck and thinking that he was inside the store. He said he didn't see a problem with it and that it wasn't his problem if anyone came to that conclusion and that I shouldn't make a big deal of it. Am I the problem? Man, I don't think anyone's the problem here. He's pretty obtuse. But because in a small town, 100% people are going to talk about it. Of course. It's one of those things like, I don't care what people think. Sometimes you should.

And I know it's cool to like go through, I'm reading Anthony DiMello book right now. Like I get it. I want to not have any attachments and not have any external people judging me and not care. fine. But sometimes my lack of, like, I don't care if my shirt's tucked in, it embarrasses my wife, right? Or I don't, here's a good example. Can I give an example?

Sure. It was working here when I first submitted the first round of questions for the intimacy deck. I remember those, yes. I had several conversations with people that were like, what is the matter with you? Who would ever talk to their spouses about this stuff? Are you insane? And etc, etc, etc.

So it got to the point that I went home and I talked to my wife and I was like, who by the way had authored most of the questions, I said, hey, here's the problem. I think I work with a bunch of weirdos because I've been asking these same questions like at dinner parties for years, to which my wife said, yeah, you've been making dinner real weird for a long time. It's been awkward for ages. And then I thought back and we talked about it and we laughed, but she had asked early on our marriage, like, hey, don't ask that question at dinner with strangers.

I'm like, oh, okay, cool. So anyway, all I have to say is my obtuseness has, we probably had fewer and fewer dinner date invitations over the years. But all I'd say is it's really him parking there reflects on her. And so yes, it is a valid request to say, Hey, would you please not park at the sex shop? And with your big pink Cadillac or whatever he's driving his big jacked up red truck with

the cow balls hanging from the back underneath like, if you're like if you're gonna drive that car don't park it at the at the sex shop, please just That's not ridiculous, and it's cool for him to be like I don't care people say I get it fine But your actions reflect in other people so there you go. That's why I've quit asking weird things at the dinner table alas That's why I've quit asking weird things at the dinner table. Alas. What do you think? I agree. I think, I mean, it's funny, but you know, small town, a hundred percent,

someone's going to see his truck there and go, did you know where I saw Dwayne's truck, you know, whatever? I saw them cow balls right in front of the dirty store. Exactly. And so that's 100% gonna happen and He may not see a big deal with it at all But she does and it's one of those are you really gonna die on that hill? Just park somewhere. That's the other thing is bro. Don't down that hill. It's not worth dying on a hill

Just park another block, you know further and be done with it And he may just laugh to yourself if you think it's ridiculous. Great. Go on about your day. Yeah. Yes. And realize for some reason it makes her uncomfortable. And it's not a huge ask.

I mean, it's not like she's asking him to sell your truck and buy something that everyone else, more inconspicuous or whatever. Just park somewhere else. He 100% went to the sex shop and she caught him. That, dude, you're the problem. Busted. Busted. If you're going to drive that truck, you're going to get caught doing that kind of stuff. Anyway, no... Listen, every relationship has a little low hanging annoyance. Hey, would you not? Would you fix your pants? Just fix your pants.

For God's sake, fix your pants. Hey, whenever you wear those shoes, it just... Don't wear the shoes! Jeez Louise. Can we just... Could you just not park at the sex shop? Oh no! God help us. I love you guys, bye!