The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?

Episode Date: November 18, 2024

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·      A husband unsure of how to talk to his wife about their different views on religion ·      A woman seeking advice on how to support her friend in an abusive marriage ·      A man desperate to help his best friend get out of a toxic relationship Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show T-Shirts   Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🌿 Get up to 40% off at Cozy Earth with code DELONY. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🥤 Get 20% off at Organifi with code DELONY.  🏔️ Use code DELONY at Poncho Outdoors. Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights  🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

She's trying to open my mind to religion more. It kind of makes me feel uncomfortable and I really don't want to tell her I don't feel the same way about it as you do because I really don't want to disappoint her or hurt her feelings. I think your willingness to be open is going to help a whole bunch of people. But I think there's something bigger at play here that's really important. Okay. What up? What's going on? This is John with Dr. John DeLone who showed up. So, so grateful that you're with us talking about your mental and emotional health. Talking about your relationships,

your marriages, who you're dating, your kids, all of it. For the last two plus decades, I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on this show. If you want to be on the show, it's real people going through real challenges, go to johndoloney.com. It's D-E-L-O-N-Y. Go to johndoloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, and fill out the little form and it will shoot a, I don't know how it does it, the internet people figured out a way.

It sends Kelly an email and Taylor an email and they'll work it form and it will shoot a, I don't know how it does it and the internet people figured out a way. It sends Kelly an email and Taylor an email and they'll work it through and holla back girl at you. Or you can give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 and you can leave a message and we'll get back to you. Love to have you on the show. Let's go out to Mark in Greensboro, North Carolina. What's up, Mark? I'll get right to it.

Let me preface my question by saying, I my wife. We've been married for 10 years I love her just as much now as I ever did matter of fact I tell people I won the wife lottery when I met this one Mark, I know I know we've been making years We're both in our mid 50s She is 56. I'm 53. Okay. Um, my question is, um, we differ on religion.

I don't really like to bring it up with her. Um, I guess I, I don't want to disappoint her with how I feel about religion. I don't use religion as much in my everyday life as she does. And she, I wouldn't say she tries to force her religion on me. She tries to, I guess, in her mind, she's trying to open my mind to, to religion more. And it kind of makes me feel uncomfortable and I really don't want to tell her that, you know, I don't feel the same way about it as you do because I really don't want to disappoint her or hurt her feelings. And thanks for the call, dude. I think your willingness to be open is going to help a whole bunch of people because, A,

you're not alone when it comes to the religion conversation. But I think there's something bigger at play here that's really important. Okay? And that is you have this person who you love. In fact, you love talking about how much you love her. Exactly. And you somehow have gotten the wires crossed in your mind that is telling the truth and being fully present with her is somehow going to lessen her or hurt her.

Right. Well, I grew up, I call it, I grew up as a part-time Catholic, you know, Eastern Christmas. Sure. You know, my father, he basically went just to socialize. Basically, she grew up in a Pentecostal holiness, if that'll tell you anything. So yeah, she was, you know, jumped down the aisle, speaking in tongues, the whole nine yards. And, you know, we just don't see eye to eye on that stuff. And, you know, she'll start asking me questions

about my faith or, you know, like getting baptized or have I, you know, brought God in my life? Have I made Jesus my savior? And I don't know how to answer that. And she'll like quiz me sometimes on theology, I guess. And it just kind of makes me feel uncomfortable. And I really don't know how to tell her, babe, uncomfortable and I really don't know how to tell her babe, you know, I, I, this isn't, you know, I guess I go along to get along right now.

Yeah. If that makes any sense. Yeah. There's an old, um, there's an old saying in counseling that is conflict deferred is conflict amplified. So here's what's coming. Here's what's coming for you. You're going to keep getting along to get along,

going along to get along, and one day she's going to get the wrong kind of bananas. And you are going to punch a hole through the cabinets and it's going to have, because it's going to have built up so much. So my question for you is this, what's another thing you're kind of, you just don't talk to her about? Well, music. Okay. You know, we have different, she listens to Caleb all the time. And you

know, no offense to the listeners out there, I think Caleb music is rather cheesy. Who do you listen to? Who do you love? Oh, I'm a I'm a child of the 80s man Iron Maiden the Ramones I would hug you if you were sitting here right now Well, you know truth be told I was watching one of your episodes the other day and I saw the monsters of metal album behind I have that exact album because you're awesome What's another thing you don't tell her? I have the VET movies for her. Okay.

She gets real uncomfortable with sex scenes, nudity, profanity. What's another thing you don't tell her? Gosh. We're pretty open about everything, honestly. We really are. That was amazing. We're pretty open about everything except for entertainment, values, faith, and eternity. Right? Okay, so here's my bigger thing is this. Sec secrets will kill you and will kill a marriage.

Right, yeah, I really don't want any secrets with her. I really don't. I know, and so that's why I'm so grateful that you're calling and religion is such a hard, it's such a third rail topic. And that's why I was pointing at other things because here's what's underneath your marriage. Or let me say this, I'm guessing. I'm taking a wild guess.

I remember having some theological conversations with a buddy one time. And my theological stances on some things, I find myself, I find myself all over the place. As my good friend, Brent Bailey calls it, I feel like an odd man out sometimes. And I remember having a debate and going back and forth

and it was getting kind of heated. And then this guy, he's so awesome, man. He came back a couple of days later and he said, hey, I need you to know something. I think you're real smart and I like debating this stuff. And just know my passion comes from, I'm worried for your soul's eternity. And here's the thing, he wasn't playing.

And I gave him a hug. Here's why. If a piano was falling out of a window, and I looked at him and said, I don't believe that, I don't think that piano is actually falling. I would hope he would love me enough to try his best to shove me out of the way with two hands to save my life. And when he told me that he was coming from that position, it re centered everything because it wasn't for him just about who's right and who's wrong and what's this interpretation

and like what's this, you know, theological, it wasn't about that. He was telling me, hey dude, I love you now and I love you into the future. And the way I see this is, and you might be making some choices and have some thoughts on some things that may cost you your eternity.

And I guess there's a way I could have made fun of him for that. I was really deeply touched by that. And so I tell you that story to tell you this. You and your wife, I think are talking around the edges. And I would love for you to sit down and say, Hey, I love you. And I've been keeping some things secret from you because I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I also think that by trying not to hurt your feelings, I'm actually dishonoring you. I'm just not being honest.

And so you asked me about my relationship with Jesus, you asked me about this, you asked me about going to church. What are you really asking me? What are you scared about? What are you worried about? And let her talk from there. Because if she's going to bed every night, grasping her pillow tight, like just holding it so tight and saying, Dear God, please don't let the man I love die and burn in hell forever because that's how she happens to see theology. Man, that's a different conversation than she's just bugging you about going to church. I'm guessing that she's not just nagging you about going to church. I'm guessing that

she's not just nagging you to try to control you. No, I don't feel she is. I think she, you know, she wants me to be, to live with her eternally. There you go. Yeah, and she does, I guess she does fear for mine I quote unquote mortal soul, okay that conversation that conversation is way more important to me then I Can't believe you're saying bad words and have you even like those conversations are in the shot my whatever Well, the one about hate I I see a truck coming right at you. I'm trying to drag you out of the way of it. Right. That to me is her trying to love you as much as possible.

I know. I can't, you know, I feel the love when she tells me this stuff. Yeah. You know, and it's funny because, you know, we both get up early in the morning to get ready for work. And she does her daily devotion in the morning and I'm just down there watching YouTube videos You know, you that will send you to hell mark. I'm not gonna lie With gas britches on But I I think I think I

There you go. But I think getting to the deeper conversation and then you being honest, when she sits down and says, I'm worried about your soul forever and you having the courage to say, I love you right now and to hear it now. That's not how I see it. And I want to find a path forward for you because I want to love you with all I got right now while we're here and Like and if you have to ask yourself like I'll go to church with you, hon Like I'm not gonna I don't want you to do this really important thing by yourself. It's no skin off my nose I'm gonna go with you. I don't like that's cool. It's important thing that you really love. I'll do that with you

I'll go to your Bible study. I'm not gonna get up every single day and do X, Y, and Z. Right. And I think there's something to be said for putting it to bed because I want you to choose guilt over resentment because what's gonna happen is you're gonna say nothing, you're gonna say nothing, you're gonna say nothing, and then you're gonna explode. And I don't think that's gonna be fair for her.

Or you're gonna explode internally. It's gonna kill you. And that won't have been fair to her either. Exactly. Right? Yeah, I wanna be around as long as I possibly can with her. Yeah, yeah. And she's gonna say, well, then why don't you just

go get baptized so you can be with me forever. And you'd be like, all right. But you get to articulate that, but I think setting the conversation up, and maybe it's as easy as saying, honey, we're gonna go to dinner and we're gonna talk about Jesus tonight. And she might light up like a Christmas tree

and be like, not like that, right? Yeah, she would love it. I know, but I want you to get beneath the, what do you think about this and why haven't you done this? And I don't want you to say that. And then when it comes to the art stuff, when it comes to movies, it comes to music. I've learned in my house, my wife loves bluegrass. I like loud, wild music. And we

have together found the Avett brothers. We have together found Andrew Peterson. We have together found Frank Turner. We found some of these, which is funny. One of those is a very Christian artist. One of those is an atheist artist. And one of those is an atheist artist and one of those is very, what I would call very, very spiritual guys, but they are maniacal, thoughtful, brilliant, and kind of bluegrassy and kind of punk rock and kind of all of it all together. So we have found some common ground. We've worked hard at it.

And my wife is going to a play this weekend by herself. She wasn't my jam. I'm taking my son to a rock and roll show he does not want to go to and I'm making him like, you have to go to this thing with me. And so we do some things on our own like that and we don't hold that against each other because it's not a matter of I don't love you. And I go to country music concerts with her sometimes because she's my friend and I like hanging out with my friend And man, I'll tell you what the few times she's gone to like punk rock mosh pit shows with me and she gets up against

The wall I've looked over and Dude, she is smiling ear to ear Oh, right, but not because of the music not because she suddenly feels super safe with a bunch of maniacal Morons are crashing into each other, But she sees how much fun her great friend and husband is having. Right. And it's a matter of like, you get what I'm saying? There's a service orientation to this.

And it's not all the time and it's not forever. And I don't ask her all the time and I don't ask her forever. It's this, no, that's good. I'm in on this one. I'm in on this one. And again, those are on the periphery the when it comes to rest of your life stuff when it comes to religion when it comes to I want you to believe what I believe because I like I want you to believe what I believe because of power or

I want you to believe what I believe because I'm worried about like what happens to you for the next millennia Those are two different conversations man. And one of those is like, whatever, dude. And one of those is, thank you for loving me so much. That's not how I see it. And let's make peace where reality is, not in all these proxy wars about what we're dressing and what we're doing. And then I want you to be as graceful as possible

with what's really true. Can you go to church with her? Because if you can, that's awesome. You don't have to buy everything the preacher's saying, but if you, man, what a gift, right? And if you just, if it's a core violation, put that on the table, put that on the table. And also put on the table, honey, I'm not at this for the foreseeable future.

I'm not gonna get baptized. I'm not gonna, I'm not interested in this. So you bringing it up all the time isn't helping, but I would love to go to church with you. Can I just start there? Can we do that? And so, man, thanks for the call. It's an honor to talk to you, man,

because I know that you love your wife and I know that you also wanna stay true to yourself. And most of us in our 40s and 50s and 60s were taught that the way you honor somebody is to bury yourself. And I don't think that's true. I think the way we honor people, especially that we're married to, is we show up our full self,

but we are careful and cognizant and honoring and respectful enough to show our full self in a way that can be seen and heard. And she gets a right to grieve. She wants to see you in eternity and you're telling her, I don't think I'm gonna be there. Because I don't even think eternity is real. And I think she gets to grieve then.

And then y'all get to make choices about what your marriage looks like every single morning. By the way, stop starting your morning on YouTube, dude. Unless you're watching this show, hit subscribe button. Please hit subscribe and like and all those things. Stop, go outside, go for a walk or just sit by your wife and read. It's gonna rot your brain.

Thanks for the call, we'll be right back. All right, it's time to talk about Organifi. Listen, I want you to stop for a minute and just say thank you to your body. Our bodies do so much for us. They move us around, they care for us, they work all day to try to keep us safe, they alert us to perceive dangers. Our bodies are always working for us.

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Hi, how are you? I'm good. How are you? Good. Thank you for taking my call. Of course. What's up? All right. Um, how do I best support a friend who is being abused by their spouse and refuses to seek help? Oh, man. Hmm. Tell me about it. Whatever you're comfortable talking about. Um, yeah, I don't want to, I don't want you to just talk, tell me as much as you feel comfortable telling me.

Okay, um, it's been going on for over a year and um, for a really long time she didn't want to tell me what was going on. Um, but you know, I mean, it's a good friend of mine. So obviously I knew something was up. Um, phone conversation, stop, text, stop, everything like that. And so, um, just in the way I am, I asked specific questions

and got to the bottom of it. specific questions and got to the bottom of it. And I guess probably physical abuse is happening over a year now, but there's been abuse in this relationship the whole time, you know? It's just kicked up. But I just don't know how to continue to hear all of this, give advice, and then have nothing happen with the advice that I give. And I understand that I can't make somebody do something. Just, it's almost now affecting me. Oh, it absolutely is.

Yeah, yeah. So I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to, I don't know if I like stop talking to her because it's so weighing on me every day. But then I don't want to leave her obviously, right? But I just don't know what to do. And I'm pretty good with compartmentalizing the husband and I are in ministry. We hear a lot of stories, but it hits different when it's somebody that you love. Yeah.

I'm going to give you two paths here, okay? Path one is the path that I take, and I'm not saying that it's right. I'm saying I've just heard so many of these stories over the years that I had to come to a place where I've got to be able to sleep at night. And I'm willing to cash out a friendship to keep people safe. Okay. And so, but then I'm going to give you another alternative that may be more feasible for most people. Okay. And so, but then I'm going to give you another alternative that may be more feasible for

most people, okay? The two things that I've got no quarter for and what I mean by no quarter is that are stop the presses for me is if somebody is in physical danger or somebody is considering dying by suicide. Everything stops. And if I've got a friend in your situation that consistently says, yeah, I got hit again last night, I got beat up again last night, there comes a moment when I sit down and I say, if you call me and tell me about getting hit again, my next thing is I'm hanging up

the phone, I'm calling 911 because I can't stand by and watch this. And there's and there's just a period of thing that sentence you wouldn't do that. You swear you wouldn't tell I don't care what I swore I don't care what I promised I would rather you be safe and alive and hate me Then have this happen again And honestly, that is just how I've made peace with it. And there's probably quite honestly, a few people in my life who have no longer tell me things because they know how I'm going to respond. Right.

But I also think that there are people in my life who tell me things that they wouldn't otherwise because the thought of when you're abused, it takes, if physically abused, it takes so much of your soul. I mean, your body, it physically abused, it takes so much of your soul. I mean, your body, it just does different things physiologically. And so the thought that I can see past this ending,

your body isn't able to see it on the road like that. Your body's just trying to survive. Right. Right, so it can't see what freedom looks like and what two years after an awful messy divorce and court records and somebody going to jail or somebody going to court and not going to jail even worse, right? Which happens a lot in domestic abuse.

They can't see on the other side of it two years from now being able to walk into their own home for the first time in years and just exhale and feel safe. Yeah. Yeah. Right? So I know that enough about you to say, I'm willing to push this domino to knock the whole thing over because I can't stand by and help. So that's me. I think a broader conversation about boundaries is sitting down with coffee or sitting down

and having an in-person conversation saying I can't continue to show up to these meetings and have you getting beat up and beat up and beat up and you tell you saying you don't need to do anything. I can't carry that anymore. Right. Either I will go first and I will walk through hell with you or I'm going to ask you to stop bringing this cinder block and asking me to carry it for you, but you're not willing to set it down.

And I think what you're trying to do is to both love your friend and keep your friends safe and hold the outcome. And you rarely can do all three of those things. Right, right. What has your conversations been like so far? I mean, I'm a plan person. So I've usually set up like, okay, well,

these are the steps we should take. Let's set aside money. Let's have a to-go bag. Let's have a safe place to go. Like those kinds of things, ways to get away, stuff like that. And I just think that, I think that she's, well, I think she's scared of the change, right?

Like, because even if she's in it, and it's awful, sometimes we say stuff because it's normal. Yeah. So the idea of the change is probably what's scaring her. But like, I'm, I think that's probably what bothers me the most. I'm good with boundaries. Like I'm a Henry Cloud kind of person. I am good with boundaries. I got, I have to figure it out in my day to day life. But this one is just like, usually if I give advice and it just keeps, you know, falling on deaf ears, I walk away, but like her life, you know, I'm worried about her life.

And I think, go back to the reason we give advice. Why do we give advice? Because we want to give somebody a path out. Yeah. We want somebody to be better off after interacting with us than before. And if advice isn't that path, then I'm going to jump over the advice path and I'm going

to call the authorities because my friends getting beat to death in their own house. Yeah. Right? And here's another thing. I said often people who are in being physically abused, it's hard to get out of that mindset and to look down the road. That's not always true. I remember a harrowing conversation with somebody, with a woman once.

And I was just being flippant, like, you need to leave. And I'll never forget she looked at me and said, and then what? I can't eat. I don't have a place to go. Like, she's rattled off. And it was like, oh, man, she had done the calculations in her mind. And she's economically trapped. Or she may go, but she's gonna leave behind a six year old

and she'd rather get hit than the six year old get hit. Like she had done the long-term calculations and there wasn't a good plan. That's where I think me and your role as a minister of a local church, how fun of 2,500 bucks set aside for somebody that they come to you and you're like, I gotcha. I'm ready to sign the lease right now on a three month apartment for you.

Are you in? And we'll send six men over there to get you moved today. Like that to me is, I don't know. I think the longterm, you've got some choices to make and some hard decisions to make down the road is great. But when somebody's in the middle of something, it's not time for swimming lessons. It's time to get them out of the water. You get what I'm saying?

Yeah. Yeah. But man, if that's a place where you can pull a trigger or if that's a place where you and your husband can say, hey, we've got your to go cash. We're going to put this on the table. We got a one bedroom apartment for you. Or we got a spot in our garage apartment. I don't know what that looks like.

I think it's taking some of those variables away. But I do think at the end of the day, I mean, that's been the majority of my life. People coming in and sitting down and saying, I've got this awful thing happening to me or going on in my life. And I say, okay, I'm ready if you are. And they're like, well, I don't want to change anything. Right. I don't want to do anything. And I'm always pretty open about when you're ready, dude, I will storm the gates of hell

with you. Except on those two things, dying by suicide or physical violence. And then I'm just going to start going myself. Okay. And I think that that probably is not the best solution all the time. Yeah. But I'm never ever again going to have in my life not having made a call. Right?

Yeah. Because I've been on the other side of that. I'm just not doing that again. Yeah. What's your next move? I'm interested. I'm interested in what your next move is. Um, well, I probably, I'm, I'm putting a little bit of distance because just, I know that physically it's, you know, raising my heart rate.

It's just, it's really been a lot for me. And so I'm trying to just put a little bit of distance between us for a little while, just like a week or two break. And probably, I probably will say at some point, like I'm going to have to call somebody. I'm gonna have to call a police if I hear about this anymore, you know?

And then there's the other side of me that like, with the times when she's like, well, it's getting a little better. And by nature, I'm a cynic and I'm like, okay, well, people like that don't just get better. You know, it's not like you're just like reading a Bible first and the next day, I'm not gonna beat my wife anymore. Exactly, absolutely.

I would be like, no, there needs to be some work done here before it's going to get better. That's right. But... Is this man, like your close friends, does this man have, do you all have peripheral men that are connected to this dude? Not that we have in common. Okay. So it's not like you and her and several other girlfriends are friends and your husband and him and several other dudes are friends?

No. Okay. All right. Because that's the other way. I remember, this is the peripheral story, I just remember several years, I mean, this is probably 15 years ago now, maybe a little bit longer, but I made a joke. I was, I was, I just moved to a new town and a new group of men and we were having like a get together and we're all kind of laughing and my wife hadn't moved yet. And we were going around the room like, Hey, what does

everybody need? And kind of take a prayer request and just kind of getting, getting to know each other. And I was the new guy and I was like, does anybody know like where the dating spots are? And we all kind of laughed and I was happily married guy and I was like, do anybody know like where the dating spots are and we all kind of laughed and I was happily married and all that and A guy who's become one of my closest friends in the world. His name's Kevin. He said hey, you don't you don't know us that well So just to clear the air If you ever cheat on your wife, you better hope to God she finds you before we do and I remember being like

find you before we do. And I remember being like, whoa, okay, whoa, right? But it was just him being like, this is the kind of guys that we are, is how we roll. So, I was hoping he might have some peripheral guy friends that could pay him a little visit out behind the woodshed. But, yeah, I think you're in your job as a pastoral care minister, as somebody who works in mental health, there comes a moment when I have to say, okay, I will be here for you. You are not in a position to solve this problem or you're not interested in solving this problem. And I know the limits of my ability to help you

and I can't solve it for you. If it's gonna get you killed or get you hurt, I'm jumping in and I'm calling the authorities. If it's not, when you are ready, I can't keep accepting your bomb text at 2 a.m. I can't accept your phone calls. I can't accept these coffee dates where you just tell me all this stuff and you don't want to change it. When you're ready, oh my gosh, I'm all in. I'm all in. And maybe sending that in a letter so that that person can go back to that letter and go back to that letter and go back to that letter

And go back to that letter Yeah, I love the idea of knocking on your church and saying hey We need to have a small fund for when women need to get out Or you and your husband track down a couple of men a couple families couple men and women in your church that will be Willing to say I got 1,500 bucks right now to get them out I don't know a lot of people in my life that wouldn't just put cash on the table to get somebody out of an abusive situation, get them into an apartment. So I love that idea.

But yeah, not a way that this ends super well, especially initially. We're playing a long game that we can get this woman some peace and good God, hope we get this guy the accountability and needs a heart change in a major way. Probably after some jail time too. Thanks for the call, Ian. I'm really grateful for you. We'll be right back. November can be bananas. And we have the normal November chaos with colder weather, and there's family drama, Thanksgiving and figuring out holiday plans. And with the recent election, well, no matter what you think about any of this mess, we all need an extra helping of peace. And one of the easiest ways to find and maintain peace

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All right. Let's go to grand Rapids, Michigan and talk to David. Hey, David, what's up, man? How you doing? I'm all right, brother. All right. So here's the question. How is it that I saved my best friend from a toxic relationship when he will not and I repeat will not listen to anybody about it? You don't man. I hate that for you. Yeah, I mean, he just I know he sees. Like, I mean, there was a couple of things that, you know, he could let go. I could even let go being his best friend and being like

the one that is most protective of him. But I mean, it just, some of the things that are being pulled here, I just, I am flabbergasted that he hasn't pumped the brakes or stopped it already. And he seems to be even endearing of the fact that she's been doing all these things for him. And I'm just, how long have you been friends? How long have you been friends? Um, over a year now. Um, and I know that kind of sounds like a short time, but it was just one of those things where we met at a bar, like through a mutual friend of ours. And he might, um, he's like, Hey, you gotta meet this guy. And we met. And it was just one of those things where we met at a bar like through a mutual friend of ours and he might, um, he's like, Hey, you got to meet this guy. And we met

and it was just like, Holy, sorry. Like, um, this guy's going to be the best man at my wedding. Like, and it's been like that and on that trajectory ever since. So the real work you have to do, and I hate to tell you this man, I don't know any man, any guy who's not been right where you are. The real work you have to do ahead of you, unfortunately, and it's going to sound cheesy, is grieving the fact that you're probably going to have to get a new best man. Because this guy is not who you thought he was. And I think you, the frustration is, I think it's probably twofold. Number one, you're just like, dude, any guy,

any guy in this kind of situation, you're the kind of guy who wants to go like, like, bro, get out, like, right? You're drowning, get out, I'm gonna throw you a life raft. And so that's the kind of guy you are, number one. But number two, like like not to be weird, but you made plans with this dude. Making friends after college, making friends as an adult,

especially for guys, it's impossible. And you found one, you met a dude at a bar and you're like, bro, let's ride or die. And there's that exhale like, dude, you're not gonna be by me at my wedding. Because what he's telling you is, dude, I don't want your advice, I don't want your wisdom,

I'm gonna make my own grownup choices and I'm gonna be with this person. It's not even that he doesn't want it. He's so thankful that I care this much and I've seen, he's even admitted, like, dude, that's why we're brothers. Like, you care about me this much, you're this protective over me. I mean I

Just I can't like even coming into the relationship for him is just like girl already has baggage like I mean, she's got two kids and she's only 20 years old and Everybody comes with baggage though. I mean that doesn't bother me bother me. It's you're watching her be of a person that's killing your friend. Right, that particular baggage that she has, he can't carry. And she's hitting him with it or whatever. I mean, I don't want to ruin the analogy,

but you get what I'm saying? Yeah, no, I totally understand what you're saying. It's just, you know, I could look past that. Like, that's one of the things I could look past. I could look past the fact that she has two kids. I could look past the fact that she dropped everything, quit her job, moved out of her place and started living with him

and got a job of where he's working at now. But what I can't forgive is the fact that she gave up most of her rights to those two kids that she apparently loves to the baby daddy who is allegedly abusive. I don't, I haven't heard anything. I haven't seen anything like that, but I've heard a lot of, you know, a lot of rumors swirling like that's what she claims. I mean, I don't know if I automatically believe her.

I don't know anything about that. But for her to leave her two kids with him 99% of the time and give up most of her rights to be with my friend, I mean... Yeah, but you're missing the whole other side of it, dude. Your friend met some new girl and instantly invited her in to come live with him. Your friend went and found her a job where he works. Your friend likes having her around without those two kids around. So you're pegging all this on her,

but your brother dude in arms, your buddy, is equal participant in this thing. He should know better. I know, but what I'm saying is I can't get to the source of your anger because we're just watching two adults make two dumb decisions over and over and over again, but they never invited you in and said, hey, what should we do here? What's the next right move? And I can't tell if you're angry because you feel powerless in the situation or

you're watching a slow motion train wreck. Um, where's the source of your is there's an old saying, um, I said, I finally sat down and confronted my anger and she introduced herself as grief. Like, is that what it is? You're just bummed out. Like, what is it? I guess I'm mad because he... Is it one of those things where one of your buddies, it happens to all of us,

they start dating somebody and they just disappear off the face of the earth and they used to go to the bar and they used to go to the game, used to watch the fights and now they're just with her, her, her, her. There's that weird jealousy thing going like what is it? Okay well it's I guess it's a mixture of all. I mean, this dude, like, I mean, you gotta understand, like he is the most, I mean, electric human being you've ever met. It's just dude, dude, dude. It's like everything is gonna turn out way better

than you can possibly imagine. Constantly has a smile on his face. And he came at a point in time in my life where I couldn't have needed someone more like that. And he has been there for me through everything and it goes both ways. And now he has this girl and he never doesn't have a girl like that. Isn't his problem. Like it's not like he's desperate. He had a, he has a girl on the line every other week. And then he finds this,

he finds this girl and you know, she seems nice and all that. And now I'm starting to kind of learn about her. I'm just like, like, what are you doing, man? Like you're, you are so close to stepping off a cliff here and like being trapped in this relationship. I mean, maybe that's what he wants. I don't know. But what I am seeing is that he's distant. I don't think if I called him and chased after him, he wouldn't chase after me or he wouldn't

call me at all. I know. I guess it's a little bit mix of jealousy. It's a powerlessness, dude. Here's the thing. You clearly, non romantically, but like in a, in an important way, you love this guy and you care about this guy and you wish well for him. And he doesn't want your input on this one.

He didn't care. He didn't care what kind of character she has. He doesn't care about any of that stuff. He didn't care what you say. And he's gonna tell you the right things because that's who he is. In your words, he's electric. He's a smiler. He brings people together.

When you're like, dude, what are you doing? He's like, man, I'm so glad you're my bro. Thanks for being honest with me. And then he goes right back and gets her a job where he works so he can be with her more. Behavior is a language. He's clearly telling you, I don't care what you have to say. I don't care what you think about this.

And so the questions, I mean, the what's next does not involve him. It doesn't involve her. The what's next, dude, involves you. Are you going to tell them, hey, man, I'm your friend. I'm going to be, this thing is going to, I would love to be wrong. And if this thing works out, I can't wait to go to this wedding. But also I'm pretty sure it's going to be a train wreck and I will be here when, when to come help you out of the rubble. Or I can't be a go to this wedding, but also I'm pretty sure it's gonna be a train wreck and I will be here when To come help you out of the rubble

Or I can't be a part of this man. I thought you were different kind of guy. I've known you for a year. I Thought you're a different kind of dude man, and it's all good. I wish you the best But the action steps here your initial question, how can I make him the answers? I don't even know what you're gonna say after that you can't And How can I make him? The answer is, I don't even know what you're gonna say after that, you can't. And is it right to feel jealous? Of course, man, you like hanging out with this dude. He's a cool guy. He lights up a room and he chose her.

And I'll tell you, like one of my oldest friends, this is a little bit different, but one of my oldest friends on the planet, his name is John, John King. He's been one of my closest friends for 30 years. And I remember after he had his first kid, his wife, Jennifer is a close friend of mine too, like very, very close, she's amazing.

I remember he had his first kid, Elise, and he just stopped coming out with us. We got together every Monday night, every single Monday night we were together, and some weekends, he just quit coming. And I've told Jen this, I was like, man, his wife's the worst. As a kid, won't come out, won't come out, won't come out.

And it wasn't until I had Hank, my son, several years later, that him and I were out just hanging out one night, out at a place, having a drink and eating nachos or whatever. And I said, dude, I always thought it was Jen that wasn't letting you out. You didn't wanna come out. You didn't want to come out. You wanted to stay at home with your kid, not with us.

And he smiled real big. And I said, why didn't you tell us? And he goes, man, you wouldn't have understood. And he was right. And so I think it's you wrapping your head around. And here's what I did. I actually, Jennifer's an amazing woman. She's awesome.

She's one of my closest friends in the world. And I made up some stories about her for a couple of years thinking that she was the problem. She wasn't, she's amazing. She probably would have loved to get John out of the house. So for you, your buddy's telling you like, hey man, at this moment in my life, I wanna spend time with her.

I wanna hang out with you guys right now. I don't wanna go to the bar. I wanna go out to the game. I don't wanna do any of that stuff. I wanna be with her. And you have a choice now, which is to celebrate that and say, cool, man, I'm glad you found the good one. It's a bummer for us because we miss having you around, but I'm glad you have a good one. Or you can just be hankery about it and poison the well. Do you get what I'm

saying? Does it make sense? Yeah, I get what you're saying. It's a bummer, dude. I hate it for you. And can I tell you this though? I hope that one day you walk into a room and you meet somebody and y'all text and y'all meet again and y'all have coffee and y'all have dinner. And I hope one day you meet somebody that you're like, bro, I'm not hanging out with these morons ever again. And I hope she loves you that much, too.

Like, I wish that for you also. And by the way, that feeling goes away and you can't wait to hang out with your buddies again at some point. But I want you to have that same. The world gets real small. I just hope she's a person of better character. If you if this other woman is as low character as you say she is. Yeah, it just I mean, I've been trying to come out of it from all angles. And I remember having a very candid

conversation with them, with the one one of the very, just really offbeat weird night, I was just out with a couple friends of ours, and he all of a sudden kind of just showed up. And so we're kind of talking and I'm like, like I'm kind of telling him like, dude, like this is, this is bad. Like, I don't know if you see it. Like he's like, yeah, no.

Like, and this was before we learned about like her moving in and you know, the kids and the job and all that. Like, and I'm, I'm, I'm still kind of like, you know, man, like this is, this is not looking so good. Like, you know, just from an outside perspective. He's like, dude, just kind of like, you know, man, like this is, this is not looking so good. Like, you know, just from an outside perspective, he's like, dude, just kind of give her a chance. Like, and I'm like, you know what? You're maybe to write. I maybe I've been too harsh.

I'm going to give her a chance. Like genuinely, I will, I will try to give her a chance. Like I'm going to get to know her. And then, you know, I learned about all this stuff and like, I could let most of it go, but it really comes kind of down to the kids it the kids for me man like you know if your Maternal rights to your kids to a baby daddy who's abusive I just yeah, I think I was she's not gonna be loyal to her kids What makes you think she's gonna be loyal to you? Yeah, I would just promise you, you don't have that full story there. Like there's so much, I promise you there's more to that story than what she says or what

it is. Like there's more to it than that. And that's just a lot. If you know if kids getting abused, I mean, you better start ringing every alarm you got. Call everybody, bang every door, door like we're gonna protect those kids It sounds like you're just hurt man you're mad and We're gonna we're gonna scan the environment for one thing that we can latch on to and it's oh she sucked as a mom Let's go watch on to that one man. I'd let go of that Until you have some pretty definitive proof

Because again Forget her for a second. What does that say about your buddy if he knows, yeah, those kids are being abused, but she's going to come hang out with me? That says a lot about his character and I don't want to hang out with men who would be with people like that, right? So that like even your argument goes downstream to your buddy there. But I think I can almost guarantee there's more to that story and pieces and this and my own investigation I would set that stuff down and I would just spend some time being sad. I miss my buddy

And I'm gonna go on to do the next right thing man And I will tell everybody who is friends with somebody who loves somebody who's dating somebody they don't like Say your piece always say your piece, it's fine. But I wanna encourage everybody to be careful because the chance they get married is strong. And they're always gonna know that you told me you hated this person, you told me that this person's a bad person.

And that will make a relationship awkward forever. I much prefer the conversation like, man, I'm not seeing it with this one. Talk me through it, Tell me about her. Which is different than, can you believe that she's... That's a totally different conversation. Once you go that route, you are drawing a line. And man, you're free to draw lines, brother, but it sounds to me like you're just sad and you miss your buddy. And I'm with you. We've all been there. We've all been there. But I would set it down.

Be sad about missing your friend. If he's found the one for him for right now, I'd cheer him on. And I'd go on about it. I hate it for you, brother. Thanks for the call, though. We'll be right back. Fall is here, everybody. And that means no, not pumpkin spice, please.

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Enter code DELONI at checkout to get a free t-shirt or a hat with any purchase of a button down shirt. Go to ponchooutdoors.com and use code DELONI. All right, we're back with something cool that happened. Slash, am I the problem? Go to ponchooutdoors.com and use code DELONIE. All right, we're back with something cool that happened slash am I the problem? Yes, this is kind of a combo. So I'll read the cool crap that happened part first.

This is from Kathleen in Atlanta. She said, I heard you tell a caller who was lonely that he should just invite people over. You told him that it might be awkward and nobody might show, but to keep trying. I invited some fellow stay at home moms to start hanging out while the kids were at school. I had a brunch at my house and 10 people came over. It was so fun. And then I should also say that only two people came the next time.

Boo to your brunch. Just kidding. But now that school has started back up again, I'm inviting those ladies out to lunch next week. So fingers crossed, I'm going to keep trying. Good for you. Hey, there's nothing harder than keep trying. Right. I would have been a gut punch to only have two come back. And you have to really like work hard to be like, it's not about me, it's about them. Maybe they didn't like each other. Maybe they got a bunch of stuff going, like who knows. But those two are the two that needed to be there. Correct. 100%.

But sometimes one of the two that decides to keep going, that was the worst. All right, keep going. Okay, so what's the other side? And then she said, also, am I the problem? Not about that. This is a totally different issue. So no, she's not the problem in that. Good for you.

So Escape, the Pina Colada song by Rupert Holmes is my personal little drummer boy. My husband loves this song. Do you know this song? Yeah, you know it. Do you like Pina Coladas getting caught in the rain? Do you like Pina Coladas? That one. Okay. Yeah, that's the song.

What's it called? It's called Escape, parentheses the Pina Colada song. That's the actual title. All right, by Rupert Holmes. So it's her personal little drummer boy. She despises it. Her husband loves it. Okay. She married wrong. She says, I finally listened to the words and oh my gosh, this song is horrible. He thinks it's a love song with a happy ending. Then she, listening to the words, she says, I can't get over how they were both trying

to cheat on each other. I get that it's catchy, but I think this is a horrible song to be a classic. What do you think? Here's the thing that I heard this parent do. It's so amazing. So they have a teenager and the teenager Likes to say that's what she said all the time. That's what she said. That's what she said Right all those jokes or that's not the first time I heard that today

So this parent decided um, actually both parents decided that whenever this kid this teenager says that's what she said They explain in graphic detail she said, they explain in graphic detail what that actually means, right? So if it's like that's what she said, then there's a deep explanation. No pun intended. Like an explanation on, oh, you mean, and it really graphed with the body parts and how the body parts all work together. And the teenager, I was like, they told me the teenagers like screaming around the house like, no, stop, right? So I think this is instructive in this situation. If somebody in your life is walking through the house,

singing a really horrific song, I think there's a great case for, oh, and a really like, let's recite some of the lyrics and let's talk through them together in a no singing, a very clear way about how gross something is. And I don't know the lyrics of Do You Like Pina Coladas? The whole gist of it is- Is a little bit pineapple-y?

Well, it's while, not that, but they're together and he's bored with her, so he places a personal ad and he finds somebody else in the personal ads who likes his ad and they're going to meet up and it ends up being his wife. So they were both placing personal ads and then it's like, Oh, I didn't know you like this. Oh, that's funny. Ha ha ha. And now we're in love again.

That's the whole gist of the song. So they were both trying to cheat on the other. The song's ruined, but maybe it would be a funny thing when your husband's reading that I'm singing the song to be like, oh, hey, real quick, hold on. Hey, I'm putting this ad out on Tinder about people I like to cheat on, and will you go over it with me? Because it's awesome.

And maybe if you put your ad on Tinder, but here's what I'm thinking, looking for a man who, and obviously be silly about it, but I don't know, I get swept away. Sometimes I'm singing some songs, and Sheila will turn down, my wife will turn on the radio and be like are you for real right now? And I'll be like, oh, that's a terrible song Anyway, I do that with pretty much of the 90s hip-hop and rap I listen to that are So horrible about women and I'm singing them at the top of my lungs

Oh, I remember I went I went to the Guns N' Roses reunion show. Song one. Like they come out playing and I was like, yeah. Like Michelle. And about one line in, I was like, I looked at my friends and I was like, I have a daughter, I'm not singing this. I can't like this anymore. Awful.

Winger, I mean all of them. No, no, you can't sing any of these songs. So I think there's a clever, fun way to do that. That's not like, you can't't like right. That's just being human but also If he has to sing the song just turn it off No, if you in case you're asking you are not the problem anyone who quote-unquote says I love that song there Instantly the problem, right?

It's really is how do you want to dress it? You want to dress with humor and snarky or do you just want to turn the radio how do you want to address it? Do you want to address it with humor and snarky, or do you just want to turn the radio off, or do you want to walk out of the room? You get to decide how you want to blow up that situation. I prefer, I don't know, I prefer a little bit snarky, when it's not the end of the world.

That's just me. Kelly, though, that's a whole other story. Love you guys, stay in school, bye.