The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do Married People Navigate Workplace Friendships?

Episode Date: November 1, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode My husband's job keeps him away & I miss having him home How can I be intentional with my phone use around my kids? Email: As a married person, how do I set good boundaries w/ friends of the opposite sex? Lyrics of the Day: "All The Small Things" - Blink-182   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: marriage, workplace/career, kids, parenting, technology/social media, boundaries, relationships, friendship   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a woman who wants to know, can I tell my husband to get a new job? We talk to a mother of two young kids who wants to model appropriate cell phone usage. And we talk about the age-old question of friendships and marriage and how to make it all work. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up?

What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you're with us talking about relationships, mental health, parenting, what in the world we're doing. I don't know. But if you do, give us a shout. Give us a shout, 1-844-693-3291.

I think I'm going to have a segment on the show where I ask a question, and y'all can call in and just answer it for me because some things are just so bonkers right now. I don't even know, man. I do know this. I know a couple things. Number one, shout out to my friend. He is 11.

His name is Collier. He's in West Texas. He's my buddy's son. He had his 11th birthday yesterday. And it's so great. Todd and Melissa are two of my oldest best friends on the planet. And they had the birthday party planned. And the kids got out early.

So they were just going to go to the park and have a birthday party at the park. And it started at noon when school got out. And my buddy Todd thought, sweet, like, I'll be at home by 1.30. And Melissa put on the invitations till five, 12 to five. So if you're a parent like me, you probably just dropped your kid off and you're like, oh my gosh, I have a whole afternoon and they got half day. This is so great. And my friend Todd just was wrangling 511 year olds yesterday. And so starting at about four, I started texting him saying, I hope there's just one kid left. I hope every parent has picked up their kid and there's just one kid. And he's just looking at you and your kid is tired. All the kids are tired. And then at five and then at six,

and I just been texting all night. I hope there's just still one kid sitting at the park and you're like, I hate my life. But anyway, shout out to Collier. Hey, and before we go onto the calls, I got these two cards yesterday in the MAIL, not the MALE, in the MAIL. And dude, they are watercolors.

One of them says, hello friend. And one of them says, the world needs more of you. And so I'm gonna read them. This is so awesome. Dear Dr. Deloney, I'm Rebecca. I'm 10 years old and I'm homeschooled. Shout out Rebecca. For school, we have to write a letter.

I'm writing to you because you said that people write you a letter with pen and paper. You will read it on the air. You wrote with pencil, but I'm going to let it go. I'd like for you to know about my family. Dad works from home and helps me with math. Mom loves listening to you and she's a great cook. I see what you, your little subtle dig there. Dad's not into the show. I'm cool with that. I have three sisters and then there's their names. We have two dogs, Junipero and Huckleberry. We also have a beta. His name is Coastal. It's pretty kind of on the nose there, Rebecca, but whatever. And a cat named Anakin Skywalker, the evil one. I see what you did there too. I love it. I love my

family and pets. Sincerely, Rebecca. Shout out. You should not be letting your 10-year-old listen to the show, but I digress. The next card. Dear Dr. Deloney, I'm Kaylee. I'm 11 years old. For Shout out man. Quit drinking the haterade. We have two dogs and a cat and a fish. We adopted a sister. I like how you put sister after the fish. We love toys. My family is special to me because we spend a lot of time together. Sincerely, Kaylee. Rebecca, Kaylee, man, I get lots of mail. Ever since we talked about mail, I get letters, and people pour their hearts out. These made my whole day yesterday, so thank you, Rebecca and Kaylee. Don't let your kids listen to this show, for God's sakes, but also send letters. That's pretty awesome. All right, let's go to Dawn in Huntington, WV.

What's up, Huntington? Not Huntington. What's up, Dawn? How are you? Good. How are you? Thank you for taking my call. Thanks for calling.

I'm a bit much this morning. I'm sorry. Hey, it's okay. How are we doing? I like the energy. How are we doing? I'm taking my call. Thanks for calling. I'm a bit much this morning. I'm sorry. Hey, it's okay. How we doing? How we doing? I'm good. Awesome. So what's up?

Well, my question is, is it wrong if I ask my husband to quit his job? I don't know. Maybe. Is he like an escort or a dancer? Then I would say for sure. Thank God. You're like, yeah, that? Then I would say for sure. Thank God. You're like, yeah, that's probably not the job for him. He's not very good at dancing?

No, I don't think he gets far in that job. That wouldn't be his thing. Why do you want him to quit? I get this opposite call usually. Like, hey, my husband, for God's sakes, won't get a job. Why do you want your husband to quit? Well, of course I want him to have a job, but he's away six days a week. What's he do?

Right now, well, he's a pipe welder. A pipe welder? Pipe liner. Sorry, I can't say that. Oh, pipe liner. Cool. That's awesome. All right.

And so where's he off to? Is he just on job sites? Yeah, he's just different states. It just varies. So back up from the job. The job has become the bad guy. Let's not make the job the bad guy. Right.

If your husband gets another job, what does that do for you? Well, we have three little kids. We have our oldest just turned three. And then we have a one-year-old and an eight-month-old. Oh, honey, you are in it, huh? Oh, yeah. How do you have a one-month-old and an eight-month-old? A one-year-old and an eight-month-old?

They are almost exactly a year apart. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. What was this morning like in your home? This morning? Was it incredible? Actually, well, I just opened a daycare too, so that's hectic.

So I wake my boys up. The mornings are pretty good, but this morning my three-year-old had a meltdown Because I asked him to put on an old shirt To eat syrup With his breakfast And he wanted to wear the shirt he had on So it was a 20-minute meltdown Three-year-olds, man

So you want some help around the house Is that fair? Yes I'm going to ask you a silly question, but I'm being serious. Do you like your husband? You like that guy? Oh, yeah. I love him to death.

So do you want him around or do you want an extra hand on the farm? I don't know. I want him around. Why? Tell me about that. Well, all my boys miss him. No, I don't care about them. What about you?

It's just he's so good with the boys. No, quit telling me about your kids. Tell me about you. Okay, I would love him here for me too, to have someone to talk to. You keep apologizing. So, so far, you can settle your issues with a babysitter and like a cell phone. Yes, but it's not like a... He's not in person. I know.

I'm trying to lead you somewhere and you're fighting it. So I'm starting to wonder if there's bigger things happening. Do you miss your husband? Yes. Do you hear what I'm saying? Yeah. It's okay to miss him. And the cool thing and the tough thing sometimes is to point to the jobs and the things they need to trash out. And that's always the thing in front of the thing.

It sounds like your heart's broken because you just miss your boyfriend. You miss that guy you love. Right. And it is a lot of life happening that you miss sharing it with him. Is that fair or am I crazy? Tell me I'm crazy. That's cool. No. I mean. That's cool. No,

I mean, that's, that's right. Have you told him you miss him? Yeah. How does that conversation go? Well, we had a conversation last week because I'm to the point where, of course I'm to the point where, of course, I'm missing. But I'm more excited for him to come home to help me than I am to spend time with him.

That's right. You're fried. And you're exhausted as a mother of one three-year-old whose husband works six days a week somewhere else. Much less two. Much less you have a thousand. Right? So that's, I mean, you much less you have a thousand. Right. So that's, I mean, you're cooked, you're fried, your body's still healing, your mind and heart are still healing, and you got three kids to feed, one of which doesn't want to wear

a shirt over his other clothes. He just wants to get syrup on everything and go to school. So yeah, that's cool. Here's what I'm getting at. Often the job becomes the bad guy. And the fight over the job becomes a threat to his identity. It becomes a threat to financial security. The job becomes the epicenter, and that's not the real issue here. The real issue here is the life that we are now leading, I miss my guy.

The life we are leading, I can't manage anymore because I'm out of soul. I'm exhausted. I can't breathe. When's the last time you went to the bathroom alone? Right? Right. I wasn't watching you grab toilet paper. I mean, like, there's just basic stuff. And that's where that conversation has to start.

I miss you. Okay. And we, when I'm looking 20 years down the road at the life we're building together, we're going to have three kids that don't know their dad. I'm going to have lost my best friend to a piping job. And so the question is, exactly. I know you don't. That's so great.

But I want the, I want the real bad guy in the room to, to be what we talk about. And that is, I love you. I miss you. That is your kids love you and they miss you. That is,

I need some help. And then the job, cause you can get a job. I don't know what that means for everybody, but to answer your original question, you can tell them, I want you can get a job. I don't know what that means for everybody. But to answer your original question, you can tell them I want you to quit your job. That's not the real thing. The real thing is I can't do the rest of our life with you gone six days a week. I miss you and I love you.

Now, is this a season or is this starting to look like the rest of forever? Like are y'all trying to pay off a bunch of debt, or is he just working like crazy because the job market's smoking hot? Where are we? I mean, we do baby steps and stuff, and that's always something we're looking at, but that's just the job he's in. Does it pay ridiculous?

I mean, is it... I mean, he's not going to find a job around home that pays him what he's getting paid now. Okay. And so here's where what I was talking about is real important. Because y'all may have to have some really hard conversations about where you live and how close to family and what am I going to do and do I need going to do? And do I need to go to school?

And are you going to go to school? And all those hard, hard questions that you can have if you're together. If it's just about find another job, man, it becomes a balloon you're chasing. Because if it is, I miss you and I love you and I want to be connected with you and we are drifting apart at breakneck speed and he feels that and hears that too, then man, you can move to Kansas. You can go to wherever. You can move to Texas. You can move to California. You can go the opposite way, right? Where everyone else is streaming away from. You can do things like that together. If it's just go find another job, man, the motivation and the strength and the upheaval that that causes, sometimes it's not

worth it. So this is hard. I want y'all to go out and have a, hey, what is the next couple of years going to look like? Have you done that? You said you had a conversation with him. How did it go? Not great? Well, it went great. I mean, we talked, but I told him that I feel like we're emotionally not connected anymore. Right. Did he agree with you? No. He said he felt like he was blindsided because he's like, I don't feel that at all.

Okay. And here's what I want to tell you. Both of y'all have a right to that feeling. Right. And it's probably true for both of you. And so in a marriage, when you get those moments when I'm all in, man, last night's date was incredible. Last night's date was terrible.

When you're all in, now we got to lean into that discomfort, into that gap and figure it out. I, instead of trying to solve this problem from where you're not, I'd love for you to take them out and say, hey, we had this conversation the other day. We're, we're further apart than I thought. Emotionally, we still love each other. Our marriage is good. I'm exhausted, all that stuff. But I thought you would feel this disconnection and you don't. So instead of dwelling here, let's do this. Let's look at seven years from now. Our kids will be 10, 8, and 7.

What do we want our house to look like? Where do we want to live? How do we want our marriage to be? And let's get a pen and a paper and backfill that. Reverse engineer it. Say, what would it take for us to get there from here? Have that conversation. And yeah, the job may come up. The job's not going to be tenable. But this conversation doesn't start with attacking the job. It starts with,

my God, I miss you and I love you. And I know you don't feel it, but I'm telling you, I'm drowning in here by myself and I miss my man. I miss my guy. Thank you so much for that call, Don. Yeah, if it comes down to it, you can tell him, quit your job. Like, I don't like your job. It's taking your soul from you. I want you to do something else. I miss you.

But I always want to call it that route. Thank you so much for the call. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. All right, we're back. Let's go to Liz in Oceanside, California. What's up, Liz? Hey, John. How are you? So good. How about you? Doing great. Good. I just, I was just wanting to get your feedback about, well, I'm a stay-at-home mom. I have two kids. One's two and one's eight months old. Oh, gosh. Can I just make the, I don't know, some special sign for you? Is it, how are we doing? Are you doing all right?

Yeah. I, uh, currently I got like four hours of sleep last night. I think it's a conspiracy between my husband and my two kids, but, um, you know, when's the last time I just asked the last caller this, when's the last time you just casually got up from wherever you were and just went to the bathroom by yourself? Surprisingly, that's going okay still. I think my two-year-old is an independent player enough that I can actually get away with that sometimes, but we'll see how long that lasts.

That's so cool. All right, it's the little things. that I can actually get away with that sometimes, but we'll see how long that lasts. That's so cool. All right. It's the little things. It's the little, I remember the first time, this is me just being, I'm half ashamed and vulnerable.

My, my kids were gone. And I mean, my wife was gone and my son was like one. And I do the bathroom. I remember getting up to go and then stopping and just looking, being like, oh, he wasn't one. He was just a few months old. And I was like, oh, I guess you're coming in.

I guess you're just going to stare at me. And yeah, that's like seared into my soul. Every time I see him, even though he's like 11 now, I think, do you remember that? It was super weird. Anyway, that's cool. All right, so what's up, Liz? Sorry. No, you're fine.

Yeah, I just wanted to get your feedback about how to use my iPhone around my kids in a way that is positive for our relationship and for their development. And I just feel a little lost on this issue because it really wasn't something that my parents had a chance to model for me because it wasn't an issue. It didn't exist. Yeah. Hey, what an awesome question. Especially what an awesome question for, with young kids. Like, let's plan what this thing's going to look like downstream. That's so great.

Good for you. All right. So here's the thing. We don't have a ton. It may exist. I haven't seen it. I haven't seen a ton of hard research on this. It's still so new. What we're going to find out 20 years from now or 15 years from now is what happened.

We're playing a giant social experiment where we handed every parent in the world a giant distraction and then said, go raise kids, and we'll see what happens. Exactly. That scares me to death. Me too. I will tell you that when I think back over the last decade, I literally can melt my own heart with how I've handled this. I've not done it well. And it's only been in the last couple of years that I've even gotten hyper-intentional about it. And then the last year or two, since I've been telling everybody about it every day, that I've gotten pathological about it. So here's a couple of my rules. And if you can, this is just for me, these aren't rules

for everybody else. Everybody's life is different. And I'll also say when I was on call 24, 7, 365, there was a reality to that. I had to have my phone around because I may have to go to a hospital and I don't have that anymore. So I know that there's everybody's difference. So here's a couple of big rules. If I'm on my phone communicating, if I'm texting somebody, if I'm trying to answer an email real quick and I'm just in passing and one of my kids comes in, I call it out. So I say loudly, hey, let me finish this. I'm sending a message. If it's appropriate, I tell them who. I'm sending a work message.

I'm sending a message to one of my friends. I'm sending a message to your mom. Hang on. And what I'm doing when that happens is I'm acknowledging a human just walked into the room. And more importantly, it's one of the most important humans on planet Earth to me. I'm not ignoring you. One of the biggest challenges for kids is they want to be seen. They have to be seen.

That's a part of their physiology, part of their biology, right? And so they walk into a room and they feel like a ghost. They will begin doing things to be seen. And so I want to make sure I see you and I need to finish this thing. Because they may not be the most important thing in my moment, right? In that second, but they are the most important person. So the second thing is, whenever possible,

I do not have that box in my hand when my kids are in my presence. That's just become a thing for me. I watch them toggle between my eyes and the phone and my eyes and the phone and my eyes and the phone and my eyes and the phone. And I don't like that. I don't have a double blind study, but there's something not natural about that. They are checking in real time, who am I looking at? What's important to dad? And they have to know they're important. I do, if I have to, I got to send a couple of

emails. I got to respond to this text messages. My friend's having a challenge. I got to get in the middle of it. I do. I'll go in my room and shut the door. And then that way I can be fully present with this phone and I can put the phone down and then I can go back out. I'll also say, I fail at this regularly, Liz. I kind of suck at it. And it's, I get frustrated with myself. Like I'll think to myself, my kids are right out there playing and I'm here scrolling on some stupid thing. So I have to remind myself to put this thing down. It is, it's a drug for me and I've got to be careful about it. The other thing is, I think it's important not to demonize the phone. I think the thing we need to be, it's just a tool.

It's just, it's a hammer, it's a screwdriver. So I quit talking bad about it. I used to tell my son, there's that old Homer Simpson quote that I love, which is the best part about having kids is to teach them to hate the things that you hate. That was funny until the last four or five years and it just hasn't been so funny anymore. But I don't want them to think the phone is evil.

It's just a tool. I want them to watch self-control and watch where my attention is. And so if it's out, it's out. If it's not, it's not. You know what I mean? That's what I say every time. I don't let my son – my son is my two-year-old. I don't ever let him just hold my phone or play with my phone.

Yes. And so I would tell him if he gets it, like, hey, mommy's phone is not a toy. It's a tool. Yes. And so- And it's for adults. It's for adults. Right.

And so as we get older, like I'll tell my kids, hey, that's an adult movie. This is, you know, I got to watch the new Chappelle special. This is an adult show. This is not for kids. And this is adult talk time. This is when me and new Chappelle special. This is an adult show. This is not for kids. And this is adult talk time. This is when me and your mom are talking, y'all go play.

My kids understand that language, that adults have conversations that are not for them, that they're not included in. And so this goes into that bucket. This is an adult tool. Same as when we're hunting and I've got gun like those, I handle those, right? And so it just becomes one of those things. It's just something to be aware of. What are you worried about when it comes to how you handle this stuff? Yeah, I'm just really worried about messing this up. No, I have that same gut instinct that's been creeping up more and more

as my two-year-old especially is getting more and more aware. I'm afraid that he is going to feel like I'm not present. Even your show has been a problem, John. I've had to turn off your show and be, cause I can tell there's like a podcast running in the background. Even if I'm just not holding my phone, he knows that my mental space is somewhere else. So I've had to limit like, okay, maybe I should just listen to one podcast in the morning or not at all. What safe till his nap time or something. I'm going to stop you right there. This show is way more important than any kid.

I don't know what – way more important than your children, Liz. Okay, so you know what you're describing? I've never heard it described this way, but you just did it perfectly. Let's say you have a parent with an alcohol addiction or an opioid addiction. And they're sitting on the couch, and a kid sees them, hears them, and can touch them, but a kid can feel they are in another place. Right. And it becomes like a numbing mechanism almost. Exactly. And the kids will solve for, they will try to make that leap to that connection with their parent

for the rest of their life. And if you're holding a phone, it's the same. They see you, they hear you, they can touch your leg, but you're gone. You're not there. And so, yeah, your instinct is so right. I think the cool thing we can all do,

we can all work on this, is coming up with some practices. Does the phone go in the drawer? Are there times when I'm going to check my phone? And this is hard for a stay-at-home mom because now you're talking about disconnecting yourself from the rest of the world, right? Right. And it's true. Yeah, it can be like I just found myself listening to podcasts a ton because I love learning and I love growing in knowledge and how to be a good parent and all these good things. And there are so many good things to listen to. But can I tell you the one insidious thing? Yeah.

Here's the one insidious thing. it's learning and growing is cool, but podcast voices, of which I am one, bypasses all of your other senses. So up until 75 years ago, if you were communicating with somebody, you saw them, they're in your presence. They might even be on a stage far away, but they were with you. And just 75 years ago, when we came up with the radio, or maybe it on a stage far away, but they were with you. And just 75 years ago, when we came up with the radio, or maybe it was a hundred years ago, I don't remember. We started bypassing that. And our brains are dealing with something that they are not designed to deal with, which is somebody's voice piped directly into their, into your brain. And why am I telling you this? It is cool to learn. It is cool to get connected. It's cool to figure

things out. It's cool to learn new tools and things. But you're also getting a cheap substitute for connection. There's parts of your brain and body that you and I are friends and we've never even met, right? Absolutely. There are times I found myself in the past reaching out to a podcast just because I missed a voice. You know what I mean?

I missed the inside jokes. And I should be having those for the real people, which is hard for a mom who's staying at home with two little ones, two years and younger. And so here's what I want you to focus on. Focus on where and when am I fully present? If I'm going to be on the phone with my friends, I want to be fully on the phone with my friends. Totally. If I'm going to respond to texts and emails and get the hilarious memes and ask the questions about like, what does this rash look like? I want to be fully in that conversation. And when I'm not fully there, I want to be fully with my kids.

And if I'm not fully with my kids, I want to be fully in the book or in the podcast I'm listening to. Not doing 10 things at once because, you know, we all know now that toggling back and forth, multitasking is a myth. It's not real. It's just your brain going back and back and back and back and back and forth. And so where can I be fully present? Does that make sense? Yes.

So I think maybe let's do this. And I'm thinking this out loud with you because I'm a parent who struggles with this too. Maybe instead of wondering what we do with the phone, which is real, I'm not going to give my kids phones. Even my middle schoolers come back and said, man, I really thank you. I'm not going to give my kids phones. That's all simple.

I'm going to continue to work on being connected with my kid, making sure they see that I see them. But beneath that, forget the phone. When I'm where I'm at, I want to be fully present wherever I'm at. When I'm, when I, as soon as I get on a plane to go speak somewhere, I'm going to be fully there because missing like, oh, I just miss my kids. That doesn't help me see them. That doesn't help me honor the people I'm going to speak to. It just makes me feel there. So I'm going to be all in. When I go to new city, I'm going to enjoy myself there. I'm going to enjoy it. And when I'm back at home, I'm going to be fully at home. Does that make sense? Yep. I'm talking to my friends. Let's be there. So

you give me, I'm going to let you turn the tables. You give me a practice that I'm going to agree to do when it comes to having two little kids in the house and phones, you tell me and I'll be all in. Okay. Let's see. Well, I thought of this a couple of days ago. I was thinking maybe if I kept my drawer, kept my phone in my bedroom drawer and turn it all the way up so I can hear it. If my husband calls or something, I really need to get it. But just sort of keeping it in there and not having it readily accessible around me just for the morning until nap time. So what time is nap time? Nap time is at 1. It's at 1 after lunch. Whew, okay.

If you can make it until noon, man, that's some willpower. You're not even a real addict. This is an idea. All right, so here's the deal. Here's the thing. Man, that's some willpower. You're not even a real addict. This is an idea. All right, so here's the deal. Here's the thing. I'm in. I'm in. So I'm going to, I've got my social media on my work phone, so it's on one other thing.

My commitment for the next 30 days is that phone does not leave my truck. When I get home, it stays in the car, and then I will see it again the next day. And so I won't mess with it in the morning. That's my commitment for 30 days. Cool? Cool. Second thing is my phone will go in a drawer. And that's so dumb for me. My self-service doesn't even work. That's such a moron that I carry it around. My phone is going to go in a drawer and I will check it at intervals throughout the afternoon or evening. And I will not pick it up, check it before I go to work. That way I can be fully present with myself,

fully present with my morning routine, my spiritual stuff, and with my family. I'm in. You in? I'm in. Okay. Promise me that you will not go off on an island, though.

You need other people. That means you may have to invite people over. Yeah. Okay? You may have to be weird and invite friends over. I don't know if that's legal in California. No, I love hosting. Yeah. Okay? You may have to be weird and invite friends over. I don't know if that's legal in California. I love hosting, yeah.

Good. So set up a couple of mornings a week. Tell someone to bring their weird little kid over and y'all can just stare at each other. No cleaning up,

no makeup, no nothing. You bring whatever coffee you got left and I got a banana and a half left and let's just hang out. Is that cool?

Yeah, that sounds good. Oh, my gosh. Liz, we are changing the world. Good, Liz. Oh, you just made me happy. All right. Challenge accepted to everyone listening. Phones in the drawer.

No social media before work. Let's try that for 30 days and see what happens. Here's what's going to happen. You're going to sleep better. Your life's going to be better. You're going to have better sex with your spouse. Your kids are going to like you and all that kind of stuff. But let's pretend we don't know what's going to happen.

And let's go from there. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.

All right, we are back. Hey, I want to address an email. I get this email a lot and let's just jump right into it. This one's from Gordon. He says, I'm asking your thoughts on opposite sex friends and what are good boundaries in marriage? Man, this is such a great question. I get this all the time and it doesn't even have to be,

it can be anybody you're attracted to, anybody that otherwise would be weird because you're married. You've got somebody who you pledged your allegiance to for the rest of your life. And it may be that your partner at work, your coworker is someone of the opposite gender, someone who's attracted to you, somebody who is cool to hang out with, and you end up spending eight hours a day with them. You actually spend more time with that person at work than you do with your own spouse.

Happens a lot. It may be like, hey, we are in the middle of a project. Let's go grab lunch real quick. Let's just run. Hey, I got to get to work early tomorrow. You grab coffee and let's whatever. Hey, did you hear that new band? They're awesome. Check this out. Hey, we have to have this really hard HR conversation.

We got to go through this and that. Workplace, solving problems together, accomplishing projects together. It can slowly, it can be an intimate interaction, right? You're talking about things that drive you crazy, that are hard. You shed tears together. You cheer together. You hit your goals together. You fail together. Things can just get messy. So for me, here's the two or three driving things.

Number one, in my past, I've known, ooh, I'm getting on dangerous ground. When I've known, Ooh, I'm getting on dangerous ground. When I keep secrets, when I think I need to delete that, not that somebody, no one's, you know, I'm not sexing or anything like that. I'm saying when I've got private jokes that I don't try to fill my wife in on, um, I have a few friends in my life who are very close to me that I've had friends for years and they are wives of my buddies. My wife is friends with that intimate group of people. We have been ride or die for years and years and years. I trust them with my children. I trust them with my life.

They are free to communicate with my wife. That's just, there's a, an intimacy there. Um, Kelly and I exchange messages regularly. Hey, this call's coming in. Make sure you check. I just sent the call sheet. Make sure that, hey, tomorrow's show is going to be at this time. That's just part of being in the business world together and working on a project together. It's when that phone dings and I see it and I delete it really fast. Or I think, ooh, it's a little bit too far. Or, man, I really hope so-and-so

texts today. Or I sent a meme that I think is hilarious and I can't wait, can't wait, can't wait, can't wait till see if they get the joke or if they respond. It's when suddenly I realize, oh man, I think I'm investing more in that friendship than my marriage. That's when we, things start getting messy. When in this, in the last few years, when I go, if I have to go grab coffee with somebody, if I'm gonna have lunch with somebody, I actually text my wife now, Hey, I'm going to grab lunch with so-and-so I'm going to run, grab coffee with so-and-so. In fact, I don't even do that anymore. Um, I take a group of people. Um, it just keeps everything clean. I don't know what's going on in other people's lives. I don't know what's going on in their hearts and in their minds and in their

marriages and in their friendships and in their marriages and in their friendships and in their dating relationships. I don't know. And I don't want to get into all that mess. I am responsible for taking care of my home and my marriage. And so I'm going to keep stuff as above board as possible. Here's what I want to call out though. That can be how good old boy networks get perpetuated. One of my favorite stories ever. I won't use her name. She's so awesome. She's one of my favorite leaders ever. She was a leader at a university and she was always the only woman at the table. She was a riot. One of the funniest, funniest people I've ever met, much less people that I worked for, much less a senior executive

who was a woman. But she tells this hilarious story about how they were around a boardroom and they were going at it. It was a heavy meeting. There was a lot of hard opinions. People were frustrated and they were loud and they were getting back on each other. And they took a break. Hey, we got to, let's just take a break. Let's go get coffee and let's go to the bathroom. So she says, all these men get up and pile in and go into the bathroom. I'm stuck getting coffee by myself. And before I get coffee, I go run to the ladies room.

I go in the bathroom and I hear them through the wall. They're still having the meeting. They're still talking about what so-and-so said. And what about this? And we can't afford that. And we're gonna have to cut our budgets by this percent. She said, I got done going to the bathroom and I just walked right around

and I kicked that door open and said, if y'all are still having this, if we're still having this meeting, I'm coming in. And to which all the men were like, oh, sorry, sorry, we'll be out quicker. And she laughed and they laughed. And then they all came out and they sat down back down at the table

and continued the meeting. Why is that important? It can be a way to perpetuate the good old boys club. Oh, I don't go to lunches. I don't do these things. This is just, I don't go to lunches. I don't do these things. Um, this is just, I don't go to lunches with anybody other than my husband. And I think that's wise.

I think that's so wise. And it's a way to perpetuate the gap in the workplace. So here's, here's my solution to that. Number one, don't have meetings over lunch. Give yourself a break during the day. If you're working that much for an extended period of time, I get there's seasons. But if you are working like that, man, you're on a pace for burnout. Just decide. I take private lunches, man. I don't work through lunch.

Number two, take groups with you. Go in groups, man. Keep everything above board. Laugh together as a group. Share and exchange things as a group. Like be open and vulnerable Laugh together as a group. Share and exchange things as a group. Be open and vulnerable with each other as a group. It's just wise. There is no he said, she said. I felt uncomfortable. He asked this question or she made this comment and now we're in a mess. Everybody keeps their hands above board. This isn't me being prude. This isn't me being

old school. This is me trying to be wise and to keep equality of mind. Now, could I go grab lunch with my friend, Melissa, my oldest buddy's Todd's wife? Yeah, I could. Would Todd grab lunch with my wife? Absolutely. I wouldn't think twice about it. In fact, I would love that. He's a lot more level-headed and wise than I am. I think they'd probably be good for my wife's soul. My friend, John, taking my, yes, all that. Yes, yes, yes. I'm talking about workplace stuff. I'm talking about secrets.

I'm talking about sneaking around. I'm talking about that moment when you realize, I hope my workplace friend texts me more than I hope my wife does. That's when you're in dangerous ground. So whatever rules you put in place for your workplace, whatever rules you put in place with your spouse, it goes back to intentionality.

Have the conversation with your spouse. You may have been going to coffee with your workmate for years and you didn't even know. Your wife has no idea. Your husband has no idea. And you tell them like, no, don't do that. It makes me feel comfortable. I feel weird. Now you can have a conversation and it's not about, oh, you don't trust me. It's not about that.

It's about playing with fire. It's about being safe. It's about being wise. It's about, you're going to put yourself in a position that you've got no cover, that somebody can say anything about you. And it's just a, he said, she said, or he said she said or he said he said or she said she she shed she shed that's i don't she shed she shed i don't know i feel like we just we just dumped into a home depot commercial real real quick it got weird y'all know what i'm saying be wise don't keep secrets be intentional go in groups there you go So just go ahead and leave all your Mean comments below Might as well join the parade Alright as we wrap up today's show

I think this is James' favorite song of all time I think he likes this song Because it used to play a Fender But let's all understand that Tom DeLonge Changed to a Gibson He has his own Gibson line now, which is... Even his Fender just had one humbucker pickup in it, right? I'm not really a Blink fan, so I don't know these things,

but Cody has his signature Strat, and I think it just has one humbucker. So it's not really a Fender after all. Cody has a signature. What do you feel about that? America listening, pause. Let's take a timeout here. What do you think about buying signature guitars?

I feel like that's I have two of them do you? yeah okay so here's my initial thought whenever I go to a baseball game and I see another grown man

wearing a shirt with another grown man's name on the back I always feel weird about that like uh so whenever I think like

hey this is my special guitar You should buy it too That's not the same No it's not the same as the shirt Because I don't buy them for the player In fact like I have a Jay Maskis Jazzmaster Of course you do And I don't care anything about Jay Maskis really

You don't like some Dinah Shore Jr.? Well I mean I like some of their songs But I didn't buy it because of him I bought it because it's a cool cheap guitar And same with my bass I have. I like the bass player, but I bought it for the guitar. It just happens to be his signature. Ah, okay.

That's fair. That's fair. And there's something different about like, hey guys, look, I've got another grown man's name on my shirt. Unless they just bought it for the shirt quality is excellent. And it just so happened to have a name on it. Just to have Altuve's name on the back or what? Yeah, probably not.

All right. Time in, America. All right. So as we wrap up today's show, Blink-182. I think this is off the Enema of the State record. Maybe the greatest title of all time. Song is called All the Small Things, and it goes like this. All the small things.

Truth care. Truth brings. All take. One care. Truth brings. I'll take one lift. Your ride. Best trip. Always, I know you'll be at my show. Watching, waiting, commiserating.

Say it ain't so, I will not go. Turn the lights off. Carry me home. Now here's the good part. Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na. Na-na, na-na, na-na. We are na-na-ing ourselves to sleep right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.