The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do We Talk to Our Kids About Sex?

Episode Date: February 14, 2022

Even good life changes aren’t easy for most of us. In today’s episode, we talk with a woman who’s waiting for the other shoe to drop because life has been great after starting new job, a mom struggling with how to tell the kids they’re moving, and a dad who doesn’t know how to approach the topic of sex with his growing kids. What do I do if my counselor is violating our confidentiality agreement? Life’s great but I have a sense of dread that something bad is about to happen Husband’s job is relocating us and we’re struggling to tell the kids How do we talk to our kids about sex? "Let's Talk About Sex" - Salt N Peppa Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Greensbury Resources: Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a woman whose job is great, whose husband is great, whose life is great, and she's waiting for the next shoe to drop. We also talk to a woman who's moving and she doesn't know how to tell her kids, and we talk about sex, baby, with parents and kids, stay tuned. Yo, yo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Talking about mental health, relationships, school, the bonkerness that is 2022. All of it, anything, is it bonkerness? That's not a word.

Whatever's going on in your life, we're here to talk about it. Give me a shout at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. It's not bonkerness. It's madness. Absolute madness. But we're getting through it. And I'm going to keep my chin up,

and we're going to walk alongside each other as we figure this out. Or go johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. Kelly. Check it out. I know. Look at you. You're on a book.

I know. Dude, the cover's here. If you're watching on the YouTubes, check it out. My new book. I can't even believe this. To be holding this. This feels weird. This feels strange. Own your past change your future not so complicated approach to relationships and mental health and wellness

This is it guys. This is it go to johndeloney.com Pick up a copy of this thing man. Hey, listen I'll walk you through a common sense approach in this book. I think we have overcomplicated mental health. We've overcomplicated being well. We've overcomplicated relationships. We've just turned all this into madness. And it's not that hard. That's not true. It's very hard. It's not that, it's not, it's simple. It's not so complicated. Very, very hard. We're going to walk alongside you step by step. You figure out why you feel lonely all the time,

exhausted all the time, why your relationships are screwed up, why you're struggling. All this madness and nonsense, man. We're going to get into it. And if you've bought Redefining Anxiety, this one's a big kid book. It's a real book.

And I am proud of it. So listen, go to johndeloney.com and if you order now, you can pre-order today for only 20 bucks. You'll get a hundred dollars of free bonus items, including one month of free counseling for betterhelp.com. They stepped up to, they believed in this book. They stepped up and said, Hey, we're going to put our money where our mouth is. I'm so grateful for that. Free copy of the ebook, audio book, other stuff. Go to johndeloney.com and order a copy of this book.

It's 20 bucks and it will change your life, change your friend's life, change your relationships inside your home, outside your home. I really believe strongly in this book. So thank you so much for supporting it

and go to johndeloney.com and check it out. All right, hey, Kelly. We were talking before the show started. You got a note from the interwebs about there was going to be a caller on the show. Then they ended up having to back out. Tell me what's going on with that call. So we had a guy that emailed in that has been seeing a counselor. Now, I don't know all of the details because he wasn't on the show, but based on his email, he felt that his counselor had really breached the confidentiality

pact or whatever that he was telling him. The legal requirement. It's not like a chest bump and a high five. He was telling him things about other clients, and he felt sure that he was telling other clients things about him.

No! No, no, no, no, no, no. And he was wondering. Yeah, he wanted to know if he should report him. Okay, listen. If you're listening to this or watching this, listen, watch. Can we say it like that? Few things damage the credibility of helping profession like bad science does and unethical therapists, unethical counselors who do things like, Hey, I need you to help me out with this

project, or I need you to sell my book for me, or I need you to, um, uh, I need to talk to you about one of my other clients to see what you think. Or I'm talking to this other client and they're struggling with the same. Absolutely no, no, absolutely don't, don't, don't. If you are in a situation where you think your counselor is being unethical, please consider reporting it. All you have to do is Google report therapist and you can make a complaint with the local thing. Now, listen, if you don't get along with your counselor, you think they're annoying, you think the jokes aren't funny, don't report that. Then you beat people up. And it's expensive to go through that process. But if you're talking to somebody who's unethical, who is hurting people, who is trying to force you into their way of seeing the world and not walking alongside you and helping you with your problems, then you need to say something. I invite you to say something about that.

People who are struggling don't need somebody to pile something else on them. I invite you to say something about that. People who are struggling don't need somebody to pile something else on them. I invite you to say something. Yes, if you are seeing a therapist and they are telling you other stories about other clients, God Almighty, report that today. Report it today. Report that.

It's so hard to get the courage to go see a counselor, to go see a therapist, to go see a psychologist, to go see a doctor. It's so hard to get the courage to go do that counselor, to go see a therapist, to go see a psychologist, to go see a doctor. It's so hard to get the courage to go do that. And then to have most people who go are struggling with relationship issues. That's the core of all the stuff

is relationship dysfunction. And to get there and then find that the one person that you finally have the courage to go trust is going to violate that relationship by telling your story to somebody else or telling you somebody else's story. Man, I want them out of the profession.

Get them out of there, man. Get them out of there. If you're brave, call them on it. Say, is it appropriate for you to be telling me stories about other people? Or are you telling me this is another client and you're just making that up as a teaching device? Because I'm really uncomfortable that you might tell my story to somebody else. Call them on it. Call them on it. Call them on it.

But I don't want those people doing therapy. And if you are in the counseling profession, few things, nothing is more sacred than a confidentiality. Hold it.

Hold it tight. Don't tell your friends. Don't tell your spouse. Hold that tight. That's holy and it's sacred. Keep it. All right, let's go to Allison in Washington, D.C. What's up, Allison?

Hi, John. Firstly, congratulations on the book. I'm really excited to read it. Thank you. Hey, if you and my mom, I mean, that's at least two copies. That's fantastic. So I'm grateful for it. My mom's not going to actually buy this one.

She's just going to ask me to mail her one. So what's up? So I'm calling because throughout my life, I'm in my early 30s. If one thing was going well in my life, something else wasn't. And I'm finally at a point where literally everything is awesome. And I feel kind of guilty that it's like that. And then also struggling with a little bit of anxiety of like, oh no, what if this all goes away? So I'd like your advice to kind of figure out how to enjoy where I'm at without worrying about

it ending or feeling guilty that I've achieved so much. Wow. Okay. Um, I've, man, I have felt that. So when you say you spent part of your life where something good was happening and something else was always negative, negatively impacting you, I, I challenged that. So give me an example. So I have cerebral palsy. So I grew up with a disability.

Well, then you dropped cerebral palsy on me. So way to go, Alison, you win. You win that one. Well played. Oh,

well, okay. So walk me through. I was really, I was really, really bullied in school. Yeah. Um,

but like my family was awesome. Okay. So like school was hard dealing with bullying. Everything is awesome. Or like, for example, um, you know, my job was going well and then my husband, uh, disclosed some addiction to me that was really painful, but then we got through that and then my relationship with him as well. And then job is not great. So like,

you know, but right now, I mean, I actually called you and Ken Coleman back in April of last year, nervous about starting a job and I'm doing awesome. Oh, it's so good. What's your job? Like I'm a financial advisor. Awesome. And you're just crushing it. Yes. Excellent. Good for you. Way to go. Yeah. So I'm excited.

So, and, like, my communication with my husband is amazing. My parents have apologized. I know that you said that, like, parents can't take bricks out of your trauma backpack, but they kind of were like, hey, we realize, like, we didn't teach you this skill, and we're sorry because we know that it's affecting you negatively now wow my in-laws came for christmas and like i had a great time with them like i know it's crazy like john i love my in-laws they're amazing people wow and like my relationships with my sisters like everything is great excellent um. And, you know, not, and,

and, you hear that little Jaws soundtrack, right? In, in the back of your mind, dun, dun, dun, dun,

just waiting for the next bad thing. Yeah, exactly. And so I'm trying to figure out how to not have that, you know, soundtrack playing in my mind of like, everything is great and it could all be gone tomorrow. Yes.

Okay. Oh, man. Number one, you're a rock star. What a gift. You're a gift to humanity, and I'm grateful for you. Thank you. Number two, just by having the courage to call, you're going to help a lot of people

because this is something that so many folks struggle with, especially through COVID because I worked with a lot of business leaders through COVID who had the best years of their life. And their employees who didn't quit had the best – I mean, it was incredible. And they didn't know what to do. They didn't know how to say anything because they felt so guilty because we were supposed to be in this collective mourning. And we were. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of thousands of people have died. It's been a national calamity. Not to mention the, right?

So people, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do it. And so your question is so on point and it's so relevant right now. So you have a heightened body. Let me say it this way. Your brain is extra attuned to making sure it points out all of the potential dangers in the world. Yeah. Because it has experienced trauma through CP. How aggressive is your cerebral palsy? Like, if you didn't know I had it, it's like, you know, I walk with a limp,

but that's about it. Okay, so you're mobile? Yeah. Okay, all right. So, the fear of carrying that around with you, the bullying, when people don't know it, that you're struggling with something and they just are going to make fun of the way you walk. Your body has had to deal with that forever. Your heart and mind have had to deal with that forever.

And then to hear that your parents may not have handled it great too, your friends and family. So your brain has been scanning its environment for safety forever. And you— My parents really did handle it well. Literally just like kids are awful. Kids are the worst. The worst. Like my dad and mom every day would be like, we're so proud of you. We love you very much.

So they handled it amazingly. So it's mainly just like everything kind of outside was really difficult so you find yourself and you've worked through some hard stuff you've had hard marriage stuff which we all have you've had hard work stuff and the insecurity and then now you're crushing it so here's reality

I'm just going to be as honest as I can with you it could all go away tomorrow you work as a financial advisor. If you're an honest financial advisor, you tell your people, your clients, I think this is the right thing to do. This is how I invest my money. But as we all know, Apple might all just be a charade, right? It could all go away. So it's living in that tension of it could all go away, and it's probably not going to, right? So here's what I want you to do.

What does guilt feel like in your body? What does it feel like? It just kind of feels like tightness in my chest of like you know i have been so incredibly blessed and there are people who have worked just as hard who have done just as much that aren't like even like i mentioned addiction like my sister is getting a divorce um and was in a very similar situation to me and my husband. So like my husband went to recovery is currently a sponsee like chair of his meeting, like killing it in recovery. And like my sister's getting divorced. So it's just, it's one of those things where it's like, why, like, why are you an empathetic person?

Um, maybe I wouldn't say that's my super strong suit as a person but you know i i've i've tried to become more empathetic as i've gotten older not celebrating your joy is not helping their pain okay i'll say that again not celebrating your joy the good stuff in your life, does not help them. Yeah. And often we try to identify with those around us, especially when we have a traumatic background and we've grew up in trauma. We want to identify with those around us. And the way we identify is getting into the sewer with them. Not either A, putting an arm out and pulling them out or sitting next to it.

And so one of the greatest things you can do for those who are struggling is to do the opposite of what our natural inclination is, double down and love, love your life. Be right down, I am so grateful for. And so one of the things that I do and I carry it around with me, I wish I had a less lame title than what I'm gonna tell you, but I just call it my stories journal. And that makes me sound like I'm a middle school girl

and I get that. But it's just a small thing I bought at the store. And when those stories pop up and I struggle with guilt, I struggle with success. I didn't grow up with a lot. A lot of my friends have done really well. Some of them haven't. I struggle with that. And when it pops up, I literally will write it down. I don't deserve a good job right now.

And then I will look at it and say, is this true? And so what I'm doing is I write the story down and I demand evidence from it. And often when I write it down, I get it out of my body. My body stops reacting to it and I can look at it objectively. And I can say, no, I've worked really hard. I've gotten really, really lucky. And I've had people who have mentored me and taken care of me and who have picked me up when I've done something stupid or have rebuked me when I've said something stupid. They've held me accountable. And so I'm blessed.

I'm fortunate. And feeling guilty about that helps nobody. It doesn't solve anything. And so you get what I'm saying? I'm going to continually push on those stories, on those old scripts. And the word I want to give you is practice. You're going to practice feeling less guilty.

You're going to practice feeling less guilty. You're going to practice feeling gratitude instead of guilt. Okay. And you're going to do that through a gratitude journal. You're going to write down four or five things every day that you're grateful for. Have a memory of something you're really grateful for. Sit down for a minute and just close your eyes and remember the feeling you felt when somebody did something wonderful for you. When your husband said, I'm a year sober, when whatever the thing is, you're so grateful. And I want you to write down those stories and challenge them because we're going to live in

an abundance, not a scarcity. There's not a, there's not a, there's not a finite amount of joy that can be had in the world. And if you have too much of it, you're going to take it from somebody else. That's not how joy works. That's not how happiness works. That's not how abundance works. Right? And, hey, can I ask you one quick other question?

Sure. Yeah. Where in your life are you still not safe? And here's what I mean by safety. Do you owe people money? Do you have debt? Do you... We only owe it on our house.

Awesome. Do you have a jerk boss? I'm guessing not because you love your job. No, my boss is incredible. And the thing is, my prior job was so toxic. Even the other day, I made a mistake at work, and I went to my boss about it, and I was so afraid. He would literally scream at me.

And he was like, okay, well, yeah. There's not really anything you could have done to change that. But in the future, try this so that you won't be as surprised. Hey, listen. Here's the third thing I'm going to tell you. Gratitude Journal, write on stories and demand evidence. Here's the third thing. I want you to thank. Gratitude Journal, write on stories and demand evidence. Here's the third thing.

I want you to think your body, T-H-A-N-K. I want you to think it every time it takes off on you. Okay. All it's trying to do is take care of you. Why? Because it's been down this road before. It's been abused by idiotic kids making fun of somebody with disability. It has been abused in a toxic work situation.

It remembers these stories. The same as if you were a military veteran and you hear the gunfire, your body remembers that and says, it's time to go, right? And so every time your body starts to take off on you, I want you to go, oh, there you go. Hey, thank you for taking care of me.

I've got this. I'm good. And over time, it won't happen. It's not magic. You might have to breathe through it and go for a walk and all that. But over time, your body will settle down. And then you're going to hit something hard, right? You'll lose your job. Something will happen. Your husband will say something stupid. Your CP will accelerate on you. Something will happen. And you will have built a reservoir of resilience. Your body will be at a place where it can handle stuff.

You've given it strength. You've practiced a new way of looking at problems. And, oh, my gosh, I cannot tell you how proud I am of you. You're a brave woman. You're a strong woman. And you are absolutely getting it. So cool, Allison. So cool.

Congratulations. Be joyful and be grateful. So good. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the homebuying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey

trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash D'Oloni and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back. I'm waiting to get my son. My son auditioned for the play, and he finds out any minute now if he got it or not. What play?

I'm looking at you, theater teacher. I don't know. I don't know what the play is. I just put that in my application for Father of the Year. I don't know. I just know he auditioned for something, and he had to sing. It's a whole thing.

I was so proud of him, man. And I'm just waiting to see if he got a part. If he didn't get a part. I'm just kidding. If he didn't get a part, that's cool. Let's go to Bridget in Finley, Ohio. Hey, Bridget, what's up? Hi, Dr. Jen.

How are you? I'm excited to talk to you today. I am more excited to talk to you, I promise. And freezing. And freezing because we got like four to six inches of snow. It was a snow day, so my kids have been home all day. You have that voice of a mom who's almost at the end of her snow day rope. Good for you. Honestly, hiding in my car right now. Yeah. I love it. I love it. So, hey, so what's up? How can I help? So my husband has a new job and we are going to be relocating this summer.

So we are wondering how and when we should tell our kids. Where are you going? Two hours south to Cincinnati. Cincinnati. All right. So how old are your kids? Seven. So he'll be going into second grade. Okay. And then four, going into kindergarten. And then we have a six-month-old, so he's along for the ride.

Yeah, yeah. So tell me what your concerns are. I think I lived in the same town my whole life, though it's hard for me to relate to how I'm going to tell my kids that we're moving. The kindergartner, he will, I mean, be starting a new school. So either way, I think it's not going to be as hard of an adjustment where the seven-year-old is already going into second grade. He has his friends. He's been in soccer. We also just built a house like a year and a half ago. So this was supposed to be that forever home. And so now it's not. So I think that's the, I guess, hesitation and selling it for them because they have to start over.

And I think for both of us as parents, like starting over as well. Neither of us are super familiar with the area. So how honest do you want me to be with you? All the way. Are you positive? All right. I'm going to give you two things. One is something I just have a whole chapter about this in a new book.

And the second is my honest take. I think you're the one struggling. And I think you're struggling because you've never done this before, because it's hard, because you've got a community, and because you've got connections there, and you had a picture of what their life was going to look like, and now your picture has changed. And it's very, very hard when we are struggling to look in the mirror

and say, this is my challenge, because it might be right. Is it right that y'all are moving? You feel good about the move? So when we talked about my husband getting the job, he was kind of headhunted. Um, and this is like his career passion. Um, and the company he worked for, um, said, we don't want you to do that anymore. So he left and I 100% support that because having a passion for your job is awesome. And so then this other company saying, we want you to do this and we want to make you like a director, that's just a huge bump. That's such a big deal. I never wanted to live here in the first place, but I just followed my husband because that's where his job was. And I can

work anywhere in the state working remotely. And the location, we've looked at the schools, we've got it narrowed down. We're big into having diversity and great in education and all the things like a target even 10 minutes from my house. Amazing. So in the long run, we know this is best for our family, but you're correct. Like the community of people we found, our church, our friends, our neighbors, that's what I think we're struggling with. And because my kids have that too, that's where I know that I think they'll struggle. And so all of us starting over, I think we're not, we can get past that. I'm just trying to figure out how to verbalize that to our kids.

So the greatest gift, literally the greatest gift you can give your kids, especially your seven-year-old, somewhat your kindergartner, is to let them know this is hard and that it's the right thing for our family and we're excited and daddy's got a new job and it's gonna be this and it's gonna be that and it's gonna be so, so hard and mommy's really to miss her friends.

The worst thing you could do would be to not tell them that you're going to miss your friend, not let them see you cry, not let them see you're frustrated when you're trying to pack and deal with a newborn and all that stuff because they're going to miss their friends. They're not going to like to pack up their room and they're going to feel like they're the only one having these feelings and they're going to feel nuts. And so I just did this. I moved with a,

I guess back when we moved, it was eight and seven or eight year old and then a three year old, I guess two or three year old and then a three year old, I guess, two or three year old. And it was hard and not so much. And I took, we took our son on the school visits and we took our daughter as much as we could on her school visits. And we let them pick the restaurant

when we were driving around. I mean, right. So we invited them into the process as much as we could. And it made the transition so smooth. And I said things like, man, I'm really going to miss such and such your friend. I love that they were your friend and I'm really going to miss them. And their daddy was my friend too. I'm really going to miss him.

I let my kids know that I was hurting. And in turn, it didn't make them scared. It made them not feel alone and not feel crazy. And then with like my husband, it's obviously my husband's job. I guess not so much like the guilt, but like don't wanting them to like blame him because it's his job. Did you hear your language? They're not going to. Yeah.

You are. Okay. You are. Yes, you are. And hey, it's okay. It's all right. Because it's the right thing for your family. These are your words.

It's the right thing for your family. I'm glad he's taking this job. And it really pisses me off we have to leave. Those can all be true at the same time. Yeah. And he knows that, but I think he, he specifically mentioned like he doesn't want them to blame him. And he has, you know why? Cause he blames himself. Y'all are putting things on to kids that they're either are going to be passing. They're going to be fleeting or they're never going to enter their mind. If y'all tell them this is a new adventure for our family, and we're going to do this, and there's a zoo in Cincinnati, and we're going to go to the zoo, and there's a whatever

in Cincinnati, we're going to go there, like they'll be all in in 24 hours or 48 hours. Okay, so the bribing with a pool community is good. Of course it's good. I mean- That was already on the list. You could take your kids, your, your kindergartner to Disneyland. And if the hotel you stay at has a pool, they're going to talk about that hotel. We stayed at with a pool for the rest of their life. Right. They're going to forget Disneyland. They're going to remember the, right. So it's not about bribing. It's just about showing them, Hey, there's cool things here too. Okay. It's both.

And what I don't want you to do is I don't want your husband to feel guilty. It's just about showing them, hey, there's cool things here too. Okay. It's both and. What I don't want you to do is I don't want your husband to feel guilty. There's going to be that natural guilt. I felt it when I moved to Nashville. We moved for my job to go work at a university. And it was the right thing. It was good. Everything about it was right.

All of it. And I still felt bad because I was making my family have to, I mean, I wasn't making them do anything. They were coming along with me. Their life was disrupted because of my choice. And that guilt is okay. I don't ever want my family to be inconvenienced or disrupted because of me. And they were. And that disruption was the right thing to do.

It was great. It's both and. And just like I said, you can be all 100% on board. My husband's going to make more money. He's going to be happier. He's going to be doing the things that he loves, which means he's going to love us at the house. It's going to be nicer to be around.

I can take the kids to cool places and not just rando places in Finland, whatever. And I hate that we're leaving. I love our new house that we built together and planned together. And I love the schools my kids are going to go to and all those things, right? It can be both and. And here's the second thing. I set you up, okay?

Yeah. So the first thing is your kid's going to be fine. You and your husband have to be able to live in that tension. And you got to tell your kids the truth that you miss people too. Let them see you guys grieving this transition. It will be a great gift for them. The second thing here,

and I wrote about it in this new book, and it sounds like I'm trying to pitch something or sell something, and I kind of am, but here's the thing. We have a culture now that is obsessed. It revolves entirely around our children. How are they feeling? Do they like me?

I don't want them to be out of step a little bit. I don't want them to feel a little bit disconnected. I don't want to be out of place. I don't want them to like us. And unwittingly, we have shifted the burden of our families onto our kids. They're the epicenter. And our children cannot carry the weight of our friendship, of our feelings, of our regrets. That's not their job.

Their shoulders aren't strong enough because they're little kids. It's cruel to make them do that. The thing that they need desperately is for us to model for them, to make adult decisions and to tell them this is what we're doing because y'all are in our family. You hear what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah.

And often, man, we repattern our lives around their schedules. We repattern our lives around their hearts and emotions and feelings. Now, I'm not saying you're like, you're doing gymnastics. I don't care. I hate gymnastics, daddy. I don't care. That's not what I'm talking about. You know what I mean? Yeah. But I do mean in our house, you're going to do one activity. It can be choir. It can be knitting. It can be

wrestling. It can be jujitsu. You're going to do an activity and preferably a mobility one. We are all moving as a family. And because you're seven, you're moving with us. And it is going to be hard. You hear what I'm saying there? I want your life to revolve around you and your husband's decisions on what's best for the future of your family, not about how our are going to feel. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. So, do you feel excited to move? Yeah. Do you feel sad

that you're moving? Obviously, I'm going to... Yes. I'm sad that I'm losing the community that we've formed around us. So, just having to recreate that. But I'm excited about all the things.

And we've known this since last July. So just as time is coming up, it's like getting more real and I'm a planner. So like doing all the planning for it. And this has been something we've been thinking about, like I said, since we made that choice that we were gonna have to move, but just not sure how to approach it.

So let them in on the move too, by the way, give them a box when y'all start packing and say, go load up three things and let them be a part of it. And don't even fix the box. It's just gonna be a box of shenanigans. Just tape it up and say, way to go, and draw pictures on it or whatever. Your seven-year-old, let him or her a part of the planning process, the list-making process if you're a list-maker.

Invite them into those things. So when should we tell them? Because I just don't want to take away from the time that he gets to enjoy, but I don't want to spring it on him either. When are you moving? After the school year's over. That was my stipulation with the new job is that he's been working basically remote, but we knew we would need to move in the next year. So I said I wanted the kids to finish out this school year because I was about 38 weeks pregnant when he got the job. So I would actually plan a trip.

I would take him down to the zoo in Cincinnati. Yeah. And take the kids down there and show them what a great town it is. I would do that and not mention the move. Maybe take them down there and take them to a fun restaurant. They're going to have a blast. I would let them have a good time in there. This is an environmental move first.

The fear of the word move, when you call them in and say, we have something important to tell you, boom, they're fully limbic. They're not listening to anything. They're just terrified. And so take them down and give them a picture in their mind of what this could look like. And then in a couple of weeks say, hey, daddy, you know, daddy got a new job. It looks like we're going to be moving to that new town. And remember the one with the zoo? And so we're going to go always point back to those pictures. And then we don't have a house yet. Have y'all found a house there yet?

No, we're in the looking process. Okay. So maybe let them say, point at a couple of houses you like, pull them up online and let them point at a couple of them. We want ownership in this thing. We want participation. Never, never, never lie to them. Okay. So don't say like, oh, we might be moving. No, you know, we are. And so it will be, well, it looks like we're going to be moving to this new community. We want you to help us find a house and invite them in a little bit and say, mom and dad gets to make the final call. But which one do you think you like the yard? You know, you hear what I'm saying?

Do you want to go with a pool in the neighborhood and let them? Yeah, that'd be great. Right. So you're going to invite them along. Always, always, always remembering. You and your husband got to stay connected in this deal. I did not move well. It was a disaster for my marriage.

It did not move well. Okay. I had different expectations. She had different expectations. I did not communicate well. Disaster, okay? Make sure y'all are communicating every step of the way. Hold that tension the whole way. This is so the right thing to do. And I'm just going to cry today. And I think you and your husband need to call that out. This is the right thing. And I

feel guilty for moving us and disrupting everything and taking us away from our dream home. And I know this is the right thing. And I hate you for moving us. I don't really hate you. I love you. But I'm just, ah, it's both end. And being honest with each other together through this whole thing, making sure y'all stay, schedule time for intimacy and connection in this time. Even though you got a newborn, it's hard with three kids as it is. Three kids with a newborn and moving. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.

Stay connected in this process. Stay connected. Stay connected. Stay connected. Stay connected. Stay connected. And remember, the world does not revolve around your kids. It revolves around y'all, too, and the life y'all are building for everybody. Stay tuned. We'll be right back on the Dr. John DeLong Show.

All right, we are back. Let's take un amas. Let's go to Greg in Lexington, Kentucky. What's up, Greg? Oh, this is getting real now. Oh, man. That's what my wife said at the altar. So what's up?

So my wife and I would love to have your help on how to navigate the sex talk with our kids. Let's talk about sex, baby. Yeah. That's awesome. What everyone loves to talk about. So just to give you a little background. Sorry, I mean, you and your wife want to talk about sex? I'm just kidding.

Is it with kids? Yeah, we'll talk to you. I'm not helping you and your wife talk about sex. But okay, so tell me about your kids. Tell me what's up. So we have a 10-year-old and a 7-year-old, and we've always been super honest and upfront with them about all body parts and the correct names for them. All those conversations, there's never been any embarrassment. We don't joke about body parts, and so it's just all normalized to them and uh the one conversation

we've had with our oldest um our daughter is her upcoming cycle that she'll be experiencing hold on dude my wife had that conversation. She's going to have a period? Yeah. Not her upcoming cycle that she will be one day starting soon, sir. Like you're a robot. She's going to have a period, dude. Right? Correct.

Say that word. She's going to have a period. Hey, you did it. All right. So she's going to have a period. Not a cycle that it. All right. So she's going to have a period. Not a cycle that one day she will soon be attempting to begin and start. All right. So your wife had the conversation about having a period? Yes. Okay. And it went pretty well. She was kind of weirded out by the thought of it at first, but then shortly after that,

she just ran to her brother to tell him the exciting news. Hooray! Which she thought was extremely crazy. So what's your question there? So yeah, just how to successfully navigate that conversation with just the basic sex talk as far as, you know, they've never even asked us, how do babies get in mommy's belly? You know, and obviously it's going to be somewhat awkward when they figure out what mommy and daddy do in the bedroom. Here's the thing.

It will only be as awkward as y'all make it. Now, there will be moments when, like, when I say awkward, like when they become teenagers, it's more disgusting than awkward. Right. Like, I just can't have that picture in my head. Right. So I get that. But the awkwardness. So I'll just, I mean, this happened in my house. I may have said this on the show.

I don't know if I did. This is like three weeks ago. Okay. This is live in the Deloney household. We were sitting down to dinner, just sitting down, minding my own dad business. I don't even think I'd wash my makeup off from work.

And I sat down at my table. Yeah, and that sounded as bad as you think it does. I sat down at the table, makeup on, ready for dinner. Wife sits down, son's sitting down. My daughter, who's six, just pulls her chair out to climb up in it and eat dinner.

And she goes, Mom, Dad, how does the boy part get inside the girl part? And I was like, I mean, I just want to have dinner. I hadn't mapped this talk out today. I didn't really know this was coming.

And my wife, I mean, she didn't, none of it, no one missed a beat. I think my son's eyes probably got a little bit wide just because he's a good kid trying to take care of his sister. And ultimately I said, Josephine, it's sex. It's awesome. And this is how this works. And my wife did say later, I wouldn't have said that at the dinner table because that was a long conversation we ended up having, right? But that's just, I mean, we just explained it. And so when you ask me like, how do we address the mother and the dad?

They didn't see their own anatomy and you just explain it as clear as can be with no weirdness at all. You know what I mean? Right. At all. And when they say, do y'all do that? You say, yes. It's why? Because it's awesome. Or how do you think y'all got here? And there will be a season when they think y'all have done it three times and, or however many kids you have, that y'all have done it three times, or however many kids you have, that y'all have done it three times. And then one day they'll figure out, oh, gross, they do it a lot. Yeah, and that's part of being kids.

But it's that this is where you can start a real openness and a reverence for and a joy around all in how y'all have that conversation. That's what we want. We want the normalized, not the shameful, not the embarrassing. I mean, it's going to be, like you said, embarrassing enough at the teenage years. But at this point, we're trying to hold that off. Yeah. So it can be as dramatic as, all right, what do you know about sex? Tell me. And one of your, how old are you? You told me 10 and seven. Is that right? Yeah. Yes.

All right. So you, you go for, I don't know, the old, the old, they're sitting in the back seat and you're sitting in the front seat. So you don't have to look them in the eye. It's so normed in my house that we haven't even had a huge event. We did have one where like a mechanics conversation that I thought I just crushed and I didn't do a good job of the mechanics. I did a good job of like the interaction, but I just didn't do a good job of the mechanics. I did a good job of like the interaction, but I just didn't do the interaction. I didn't do a good job, but it wasn't because of the awkwardness.

It was just because I explained things poorly. But we talk about it so much. So it's a normed thing in our house. And it's not just about sex. So often we think about how to have the sex conversation. Really, it's about how do we have the grief conversation and the tears conversation and the daddy's have struggling at work conversation. And the mommy's frustrated, is choosing to be frustrated with dad because daddy doesn't pick up his shoes conversation. We're creating an environment where it is okay to feel things and to say that out loud.

And it's okay to, is that you hear what I'm saying? Yeah. And that's what we were wondering too. Like with, with both my wife and I, we had one conversation with our parents. Yeah,

exactly. And we're wondering how, how to do that on a continuous basis where just give them what, what information they need today. And if they have questions later that they might not have today. How do you... I don't put the burden

of questions on my kids. I see. I give them... We have an environment in our house where they can ask us anything and God help us all they do. Holy smokes. But when it comes to...

When it comes to hard conversations that I need to make sure they get information, I do not wait for them to come to me because they live in a world where they don't have to. Google will tell them. Their friends will tell them and if their friends can't tell them the smartphone will. So it's not my responsibility to put

those kind of questions, put the weight of asking that question on my kids. I'm going to bring that to them while also creating an environment where that's okay. So at this point, so you say you talk about it a lot. I'm guessing just by the way you describe menstruation that you and I talk differently in our houses. So give me an example of how you are like, are open about sex in your house.

No, no, no. No, we've been, we've been open about the body parts. As far as the actual sex. Okay, okay, okay, okay. They've not happened yet. Okay.

No, no, no. So they're 10 and 7? Yes. So they know about sex? We've asked, and they're like, what is that? Like, they honestly do not. Okay.

I gotta tell you, I got fortunate, because we just, we had animals. I'll just put it that way. Right, right, right, right. Yeah, so we were able, and we talked about,

one time my son, he was just learning about deer hunting. He asked, Dad, do you still go in the rut? I was like, yes, I do. Not quite like a deer does, but yep. And so anyway, we talk about animals and stuff that way, but I would approach it just directly and say, we're talking about sex today.

This is going to be a conversation, like ask any question, and I would get right into it, man. Don't bat an eye about it. Don't be, same as, hey, we're going to talk about architecture today. We're going to talk about, I don't know, how. We set the tone. Yeah, exactly. And you can do it together. Y'all can sit at the table so they can see y'all talking about it, not being weird about it.

You can go to breakfast together, go to lunch together and talk about it. But the main thing is getting that first conversation. If y'all have never talked about sect out of the way, getting that, having that first conversation. If your kids can honestly look at you and say, we don't have no idea what you're talking, like what? Yeah, they're, they're, they are that way. And they have no friends that have brought it up with them? Nope.

Do they go to, are they homeschooled? They go to school? No, they're, they're public school But even like We have two dogs And the one dog will Violate some toys that are down there And my daughter's just like You know, has no clues

She's like He must really like that That little stuffed animal He's always trying to cuddle with it So all you Yeah All you have to say right there, dude That is a gift that little stuff animal. He's always trying to cuddle with it. So all you... Yeah. All you have to say right there, dude, that is a gift.

It's a gift from the heavens when that happens. All you have to say is, that dog's practicing mating. And you can actually point out the anatomy on that dog. Right. Right?

And so... Right. And you can say, you know how you have this part And that And then You know You have this part And this is how the sex works

And I mean it's that simple Or It may be a little bit weird If the dog's just getting after A stuffed animal That can be weird for everybody But it can be a callback

Right I can remember when Yeah Remember Remember when Fluffy was Rocking onto the break of dawn With the everybody, but it can be a callback, right? I can remember when. Yeah. Remember, remember when Fluffy was rocking onto the break of dawn with the, with the, the, the, the teddy bear. You can call back to that, right? The key here is levity. The key here is that balance between seriousness. This is, this is a, an important topic that I want to make sure you hear from me. Sex is incredible and it's awesome. And it's reserved for these situations. And it's designed and your body's perfect as it is. You know what

I mean? It's making sure that those messages get across. And those messages will be judged on how comfortable or not comfortable you are. It will also be judged by how tense you are and how awkward it is. Unless you call it out. Hey, this is gonna be weird, but we gotta have this talk. Right? And that's my relationship with both my kids

that if there's something awkward, I'm gonna tell them, hey, this is gonna be weird. And they all go, oh, here we go, dad, whatever it might be, right? But I breach it that way and I'm vulnerable in that way

or honest in that way. And I don't even, I don't think twice about it. I want them to know it's okay to not know exactly how something's going to go. So at their ages, you wouldn't think

it would be inappropriate to discuss it, but both of them together. 10 and 7? Yeah. Are they same gender? No. No, I'd break them up. Okay.

Yeah, I'd break that conversation up for their comfort, not for yours. It might be weird talking about sex. They will remember having the sex talk with their sister or their brother and so I wouldn't have that conversation together like that if they were both sisters they were both brothers possibly but we're going for their comfort

and they may want to ask questions and I don't want them sexualizing their brother or sister either so and I also would not call back to their brother or sister either. Right. So, and I also would not call back to their brother or sister's parts. Right? Right.

This conversation is about them. And anyway, yeah, I wouldn't do that together. I would have, you know, if I'm in your case, I'd have my wife go talk with my daughter and I would go talk to my son

on this initial conversation. And then in the future, I've talked to my daughter about sex. My wife talked to my son about it. It's just a part of the rhythm of our house, as are any questions. And I think that's the thing I want to get to. After you have this initial, I'm a safe space. Here's what sex is. And once you have that initial conversation, then it's about making sure we create a context where we can ask anything, feel anything, be heard on things, and then move on from there. Have you seen the books?

Like by Robie Harris, Michael Emberley? No, I've never seen them. No. I do. There are some great children's books on talking through sex. Where I

see parents screw that up is they give the book to their kid and say, you read this. No, no, no. If you want to read it with them, fine. I would start all of this with a conversation, though. Okay. Just a human-to-human conversation is how I'd start it.

Because, again, we are going for, we are norming this thing. Like if you, oh man, if you, I'm trying to, you wouldn't read a children's book on much anything else to explain something to your kid, right? Yeah, right. You would explain it. Now, if they showed interest in it, you might then get a children's book about it. So that's what I would say here. Think first this is about relationship building, less about sex. How about that?

Yeah, that's perfect. Think about you're building a relationship with your kids and is a part of relationship building. I'm letting them know I'm a safe person to talk about sex. In fact, I'm the person – I'm your go-to on this stuff. And it's not weird. It's not whatever. And you and mom do that? Yep.

It's private, but yep. And I wouldn't bat an eye about it. You don't want them to ever think it's something to do in secret or quiet. Right. Do you hear me on this, Greg? Thank you for being a dad who wants to have these conversations. Oh, yeah. We've got to have more dads and moms out there norming sex, norming body parts.

We just got generations and generations of kids who grew up to be adults and thought their bodies were something to be ashamed of. And they thought sex was something to be ashamed of. And they didn't, they couldn't say it in public. Don't be that dad that berates their daughter or makes jokes at their daughter's expense, but also don't be the dad that calls it the cycle that they may one day be experiencing either. Right? Deal? Deal. All right, good. Hey, brother, I'm grateful for you. Thanks for fighting the good fight, man. Parents, talk to your kids about sex.

God Almighty, do it. Thanks for being good parents, Greg. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be

able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. And as we wrap up today's show, don't forget, go to johndeloney.com, new books out, own your past, change your future, a not so complicated approach to relationships, mental health, and wellness.

Get it, get it. All right. The song lyrics of the day in honor of our friend, Greg, Salt-N-Pepa. Let's talk about sex. It goes like this. Punch it, Herb. Yo, I don't think we should talk about this. Come on. Why not? People might misunderstand what we're trying to say, you know, but that's part of life. Come on. Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things. Come on. Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let's talk about sex.

Let's talk about sex for now to the people at home or in the crowd. It keeps coming up anyhow. Don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic because that ain't going to stop it. Now we talk about sex on the radio and video shows. Many will know anything goes. Let's tell us how it is and how it could be.

How it is and of course, how it should be. Let's talk about sex, baby. Right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.