The Dr. John Delony Show - How Do You Know if You Are Mentally Healthy?

Episode Date: July 8, 2022

Today, we talk with a woman hoping to break her pattern of losing friendships, a stepmom worried about how her step kids will be affected by their mom’s polyamorous lifestyle, and lastly, take a question from our very own team about how to know if you’re mentally healthy. Lyrics of the Day: "Fake Happy" - Paramore Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. So there are going to be two boyfriends living in the house. We're terrified our kids are going to be molested. The idea that because they are all dating means they're more likely to sexually assault and molest a child isn't accurate. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Maloney Show. So glad that you're with us. Hope the sun is shining or it's raining, whichever one you need.

And hope your family's doing well. Hope you're doing well. The greatest mental health podcast that has ever existed. Says my mom and my children. Don't even say that. My children don't say that. I hope you're doing well. Hey, I'd love to have you on the show. We got people calling in and writing in from all

over the planet. It's super rad. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. We got Joseph on the board back here today. It's good to see you, man. I keep thinking this show can't possibly get handsomer, and then Joe shows up.

Although he is wearing an Alabama hat. I'm not going to say anything negative about Alabama because they will ring down. There'll be picket lines up in the lobby. That won't go well for me. It's good to see you, man. Thank you, sir. All right, let's go to the phones.

Let's go to Jordan in Houston, my hometown. Go Astros. What's up, Jordan? Hey, John. Not much. How are you doing? We are partying. That's not true. I'm not partying? Hey, John. Not much. How are you doing? We are partying. That's not true.

I'm not partying at all, actually. I'm sitting at a desk talking to you on the phone. Hey, there's four awesome people from all over America out here watching, too. We have a packed studio audience here. What are you up to? Just hanging out. Been excited to talk to you. Very cool.

I guess I can just kind of go ahead and kind of get going here and let you know what I'm calling about. Yeah, tell me what's up. So here's where I'm at. I kind of just want to see if you can help guide me in the right direction. In my past, I've just never been very good with friends. Friends has never been my strong point. I know exactly for me kind of where the issue started when I was young. So if that kind of helps

you a little bit, if you do, I mean, do you kind of want to know like where it kind of started for me? Yeah. Uh, before we do that, let's do this. Um, when you say, um, so you, you and I talked a little bit earlier for a minute before we had, and we had to reshoot some stuff. You were mentioning that you, you have friends and you start friendships and they end in ash. What does that mean? So for me, it means that they ended ash. I, and this is why I'm in therapy now. This is why I'm working on this, but it ends up being that I end up abruptly ending the friendship.

There's no reconciliation. There's no nothing. I'm just, I think, too scared to kind of, if that makes sense. Do you end it over an issue? Like somebody's like, hey, I got vaccinated. And you're like, you're an idiot. I hate you. Or do you just wake up on a Tuesday and you're like, eh, you're lame. It's kind of like it'll build up over time. And I never really say anything about over time. What builds up? What builds up? So, I mean, I'll take my most, I think, shining example of this.

I had a 10-year friendship, right? I ended up living with this girl. We were friends since high school. It was really awesome. You know, I ended up moving to Texas and living with her for a while. Ended up meeting my husband, everything like that. Like, Texas is great, right? So over the time that we had lived together, the environment that I was living in with her just became really unsafe, really unstable, really scary. What does that mean?

And then, so, like, for instance, one of the roommates, uh, threatened to shoot up drug dealers. And then the drug dealers came back and said, we're going to shoot everyone in your entire house. So sometimes I talk to folks and they're like, it's just not safe. There's Cheetos everywhere. And then there's, uh, it's not safe because someone's going to murder us. So, okay. So you're, this is legitimate, not safe. Okay. Right. And so it kind of ended up being, and in the middle of this, I was planning my wedding.

Right. So I had a lot going on. Yeah. So my now husband and I ended up moving out of this house. We, you know, got out of there. We're safe. No one was harmed. Thank goodness.

And then it ended up being that she was trying to control planning my wedding. And I, and I think I just got to a point where I just couldn't handle her anymore. And it was like less than a month before my wedding. I ended up cutting the friendship off. No, nothing. No, I just said, I can't, I can't have you in my life anymore. And I just cut her off. So did you uninvite her from your wedding?

She was going to be my bridesmaid. One of my bridesmaids. You just broke up with her? I a hundred percent. Yeah. I just broke up with her. And it makes me sad to this day. Like I've written like a letter that I haven't sent, you know, like that kind of stuff. But I think what I'm just scared of now, and here's where I am now is that I've made a new friend and I'm scared of now and here's where i am now is that i've made a new friend and i'm scared of this happening again like i'm scared of repeating history you know yeah so take me back quickly take me back to you said you knew where this stuff all comes from where does it come from so right so it started when i was i believe i was like right? So I went to a 4-H camp over the summer one year. 4-H camp where there's chickens and goats everywhere? No, it was like a 4-H camp. Like we were hiking and then we would like go swimming.

And then it was kind of one of those camps. Okay. So what ended up happening was I was friends with these two girls. Like we went to camp, we met, we like hung out. We were supposed to go to a dance one night. And, um, we like that, that morning we were all like kind of coordinating our outfits. Like we were like, this is going to be fun. And we were excited and everything. We went to dinner before the dance and the two girls came up to me. Like I couldn't find them for some reason. And they come up to me randomly and they both

together said every other word of one sentence so if you can kind of picture that in your head they said one sentence but each girl was saying one word what was the sentence going back and forth so they came up to me and they said we don't want to be your friend anymore we don't want to hang out with you anymore we don't want to go to friend anymore. We don't want to hang out with you anymore. We don't want to go to the dance with you. And in that moment, I'm like, of course I was upset. Like I,

like, you know, cried and everything. Like I was 10, I don't know, you know, like it was bad. And then,

um, that's kind of where it started. Where, what started? Where I think my issues with friendships really started. I would be willing to bet money. I'm not very wealthy. I'm not wealthy at all. I would be willing to bet money. I'm not very wealthy. I'm not wealthy at all.

I'd be willing to bet you that's not where it started. My guess is if you and I sat down and kind of put, that may be a contributing factor. Kids are wildly resilient. Those kinds of things can be a thorn. But all that to say is this, understanding, like to use the language from the book, owning what happened, owning the fact that you have a history of either friends breaking up with you or you breaking up with friends.

Okay. That's the important part there that you recognize you want to be in relationship with people and somehow it always implodes. And now we're at a stage where we have to acknowledge reality. You have found yourself relatively alone and you found yourself always something happens in these friendships. How truthful can I be with you? Can I be super truthful? That's what I called. Okay. Yeah. Whenever somebody calls me, usually this calls about dating, right? I've dated 10 people and it always blows up spectacularly, whatever. My question is always, you're the common denominator in all 10 of these relationships. What are you bringing to the table? So I would ask you that in this similar situation, because at the end of the day,

you can't control these other people in your life. What are you bringing to the table that is making these relationships extra combustible? Or what are you bringing to the table that puts this pressure on a relationship to exist or not exist? That's a really good question. I think... Because here's what I don't want you to do. I don't want you to keep looking at the finish line because there's not a finish line with friendships or the finish line is death. Okay. And friendships take an up and down, all over the place role depending on what season you're in.

Some of my closest friends on the planet during, I've been traveling all over the country speaking at companies and events and things like that. I just don't see my friends very much. We text. And then when I'm home, I see them much more regularly. And I was just visiting some guys

that I haven't seen in several years. And we picked up and we were running around this dude's ranch in Texas. We picked up just like it was yesterday, right? But now we're just older and more wrinkled and dumber. And then we went to, right? So some of it's about season. But so I don't want you to focus on the metric. I just want you to focus on the connectivity.

What are you bringing to that connectivity that makes you feel like this thing's going to always end in ash, which then certifies this, I mean, assures that it's always going to end in ash? I think what I'm bringing to the table is the expectation that it's going to at some point. Honestly, I think I just kind of expect it to end at some point. And I, yeah, I mean, sorry, I wish I had a better answer. I'm like, I'm actively thinking about this. That's a great thing. So you've probably heard this analogy. There's a bow hunting, an archery analogy that comes from skiing.

When you have those downhill skiers that are running through the forest, you have to, you can't look at the trees because if you look at the trees you'll hit them every time you have to look at the space between the trees and that's how those skiers fly through those those forests and when you're doing archery or you're bow hunting you can't look at the limbs and try not to hit the limbs you have to look zero in on your target. And that's how you, right? So you go through all that stuff. If you head into new friendships, head into new relationships,

and by the way, your husband is a friendship of some sort. And my guess is you've probably put this burden on him too. Looking for, when does this end? Is that true? I wish it wasn't, but I think part of like in the back of my head, I keep thinking, okay,

like he's going to leave me eventually or, you know, something like that. I know that won't happen or I hope it doesn't happen, but I don't, you know what I mean? Yeah. Um,

besides those friends who, who, who, who took off on you besides knuckleheads at a camp who took off on you um no one no one really left me per se i mean i know i grew up in a household but there was a lot of yelling let me let me back up the other side someone doesn't have to leave you who didn't welcome you because there's trauma can be both what somebody said to you

what they did to you but it can also be what didn't happen to you somebody should have told you this house only runs because you're in it someone should have told you I love you and I'm glad you're my kid yeah no one ever really told me that

I mean I got I love you a lot but I never really got like I'm glad you're my kid. Yeah. No one ever really told me that. I mean, I, I got, I love you a lot, but I never really got like, I'm grateful you're here. I never really got like, you're a, you're a essential part of this household. I grew up with a lot of yelling. So let's not necessarily at me, but watching like my dad yell at my sister growing up, that was really hard. Yeah. And for a kid, you can hear the words, I love you. And your body can react to the unsafe environment with which you live. And for a kid, you can hear the words, I love you. And your body can react to the unsafe environment with which you live. And that creates chaos, right? Right. And so that chaos ping pongs through every relationship you're going to have. So your choice now is this,

is to say, okay, those things happened. What am I going to do now? And what I would tell you is, it sounds like I'm playing semantics and I'm not. The difference between how incredible can me and my husband make our marriage versus how do I keep from losing this thing? One of those is a performance and a checklist and a set of metrics. The other is a free-for-all into a new adventure. You see what I'm saying? Now, that new adventure is gonna be filled with potholes and roots that you trip on and metrics that you need to keep up with, but it's the other way around.

And I would tell you that with friendships, entering into a friendship with expectations that this is all gonna come down someday. It's like, dude, we're just getting coffee. You know what I mean? Right, yeah. And when a friend lets you down which a hundred percent of them will and i have let my friends down the relationship it's if you go looking for when does this end you will find confirmation of the ending everywhere if you go into i like we into, we just ride or die.

This is just who we are. There will become seasons when y'all fade out and that's okay. And then there'll be seasons where we're just not friends anymore. Like, oh man, we haven't hung out in three years.

That's just how life works. But there's always gonna be a core group of people that you circle back to and you circle back to because you're intentional about it. And when they let you down, then you can have

that hard conversation. Hey, you were taking over my wedding. Stop. You're my friend. And then they let you down, then you can have that hard conversation. Hey, you were taking over my wedding. Stop. You're my friend. And then they may say, you're a train wreck. You always playing things and it's a mess. And we're staring. So here's the example in my wedding.

You ready? I was real against, like, I don't want any of my friends to have to spend any money. So I was like, we're not doing tuxes. We're not doing any of that stuff. I want y'all just to wear clothes that you already have. And so I came up with these outfits that were like white shirts and like short sleeve shirts because it was hot outside in Texas where I got married and like khaki pants. Everybody's got that. And a group of my buddies came and two of them in particular and said, hey, by the way, we've all changed what we're wearing because you have us dressed like idiots. We're not doing this. And by the way, you're going to

go get a jacket too because you're not a moron. You're getting married. So here's the thing. I wasn't waiting for them to screw up so that I could announce, I knew it, my friendship's over. I said, hey, I want to do it differently. And they said, we love you enough that 20 years from now, when your kids look back at those pictures, they're going to have less respect for you because you made us dress like morons. And so, uh, we love you enough to hold you accountable to it. And I went, thank y'all. Thank you. You know what I mean? And so there's a moment when you can say, Hey, you were taking over my wedding and your friend can say, that's because it's a mess and it's going to go horribly awry or I'm sorry.

Right. You see what I'm saying? Because there's not all that pressure. There's not a finish line that we're looking to get to. So let me say this. You said you have a new friend. Tell me about this new friend. She's awesome.

We, we have a lot in common. We're both tattooed. So that's cool. We both have dogs where we both don't have kids yet. You know, we're both fairly young marriages. Um, that kind of thing. We both, I mean, we've been kind of like confiding in each other a little bit. Like we've been, we've been finding those, uh, areas in our life

where it's like me too. You know what I mean? And so that's been kind of nice to have that person in that way. So that it's, it's been great. I mean, it's only been a couple of months, but I mean, it's been great. Do you feel the pressure you're putting on this already? I do. Like you've created a checklist for it already. So let me be like,

um, I have tattoos. I just don't have, I have them under my clothes. Right. So you can't see them. And I've got friends who are tatted, tattooed all over the place.

And I've got great friends that have zero and they make fun of me. And I've got friends who are tattooed all over the place. And I've got great friends that have zero and they make fun of me. And I've got friends, does that make sense? So what I would tell you is instead of looking for a bunch of, oh, yeah, me too, oh, yeah, me too, oh, yeah, me too. Ask yourself how your body feels in their company. Okay. Ask yourself, like, when I say something kind of vulnerable to this person, I feel safe or I don't feel comfortable. That's a totally different question than, oh, look, we have the same shoes. Oh, look,so. And she'll be like, I'm voting for this person. And you're like, there it is, the end. And you'll be like, son of a, and then it's going to be over. It's going to be a bit, don't do it.

If she's your friend, you can be like, oh man, I think you're an idiot. And she'll be like, no, you're the idiot. And y'all can have the discussion and then you can have some more nachos. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, I do. So let me say this. All relationship, 100% of them is a risk. I don't care if you're 85 and you've been married for 40 years.

40 years in one day when you tell your husband, hey, I was hoping we could travel here. And he might say, I ain't traveling. We're not, you know, the liberals or whatever he's going to say. You just took a risk and you got shot down. Right? You're 80 and you're running into the last years of your life and you just want to go see what San Francisco looks like and, ah, husband, I ain't taking you there.

Right? You just run into that. That's a risk. It's always a risk. Meeting new friends is always a risk. It just is. And so what I would tell you, and if nobody has ever told you this, I'm sorry. I hate that I'm the first one. You're worth being friends with. And you're going to be,

I promise you, Jordan, you're a weirdo. Everybody is. And somebody will be friends with your little weirdo-ness. Or they'll put up with your weirdo-ness, and you'll put up with their weirdo-ness. But trying to perform and checklist your way through a series of friendships is a fool's errand. It's going to end in ash every time. So the, I'm kind of on a kick lately. Um, and it started with me just changing my diet up some, and I'll talk about that in a future episode, but here's what I would challenge you on. You've done friendships this way.

How old are you now? I just turned 30. Okay. 20 plus years. This is how you've done friendships. Yeah. I want to challenge you to look in your, around your environment and acknowledge reality. This is where you've landed with basically zero and your husband. Let's commit to trying something different. Okay. Let's commit to stop looking for the ending. When you find yourself saying, he's probably just going to leave. Stop that thought. Say, no, no, no, stop, stop, stop.

He's not leaving. He's my husband. And then be curious about, why am I saying that? What is it about my day? What's going on in my life when I start to say things like that? Is it when he's busy or is it when I want to sleep together and he's playing video games with his friends?

And I start to, is it when bills are due? Is it when I'm hungry? Is it when I'm tired? Start asking yourself, when did these negative thoughts come into my head? And stop them before they come stories because when they become stories then your body responds with a cascade of chemicals now you're off to the races and so let's stop them way up ahead and always know i'm worth being friends with and this person that your friend like she may become your best friend of all time ever or she just may

be a great human being in this season and then y'all will both get get pregnant and you'll be like oh gosh you're one of those moms and she's gonna be like oh my gosh she's one of those moms and then you're gonna find another gang right you see what i'm saying yeah take the pressure off here's what i'd love you to do um go back through some people in your in your friendships in the past that um that you loved and that are quote unquote in ash see if there's one or two or three of them you can pick up a phone and call and don't facebook them be have a human interaction but reach out and call and say, hey, let's go get coffee. And, or let's go X or Y, let's go do something. And some of those friendships,

those old friendships may need to, the conversation needs to start with, I just need to start this conversation by saying, I'm sorry, I screwed that up. And I'm working through a lot of childhood stuff. Not an excuse, it just happened. I did it and I was rude and I want to start fresh. Or I just want to tell you I love you. And I'm sorry. I know we don't hang out anymore, but I miss you and hope you're doing well. And see what it feels like, what it feels

like to go back and say the words, I'm sorry, to go back to people that you have deep roots with and say, man, we got off sideways, but this tree didn't fall all the way over. And let's hang out. And with this new friend, stop going to the checklist. Just hang out, man. Just hang out. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your husband. Y'all create something amazing together.

Don't try not to break up. And I hope you can tell the difference there. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the homebuying process.

You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey-trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their Homebuyer Edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back. Let's go to Anne and Peter Pan in St. Louis. What's up, Anne?

Not too much. How are we doing? I am okay. Oh, that usually means not great. Not great. Well, yes. So good. Well, I'm going to come up with a smarter.

Yeah, not good. All right. So tell me what's up. Okay. I'll give you a little bit of backstory. I'll try to make it as short as possible. My husband and I have been married almost five years. And when we married, I say I inherited three kids. When his previous wife left, she walked away, not totally, but mostly what does that mean we've been raising

what excuse me what what does that mean totally but not mostly or mostly but not totally um okay so with no warning like he thought they were going to counseling they were trying to work on things um she left okay like and couch hopped for two years. So she would see the kids sometimes. I mean, she wasn't out of the town. She'd see them for like half an hour sometimes. Oh, so she just showed up just in and out like a... Yeah. Okay. All right. But there was no formal arrangement or formal agreement or anything like that? She just would show up and not show up. Well, there is, but it's never been like,

we technically have joint custody, but it's a joke. Okay. Okay. All right. Um, okay. So, um, so the kids were 12, 10 and eight when we got married and their life shifted completely. Um, like in a healthier, better way, but still a major change. Like, we used to have TVs in our room, and Jennifer's, or Anne's very anti-TVs in the room, so that disappeared. Right. And we moved and started a new school. And, you know, we go to church, and they love to go to church every Sunday, but they didn't do that before. And we used to have unlimited screen time, but they didn't do that before. And we used to have unlimited screen time and we don't do that anymore.

And like just big, big life changes. Um, can I, I want to throw one out there that I want to make sure we don't blow by. Okay. Um, their mom left them.

Oh, I know. So regardless of the, the sea change, if we don't do entertainment like this or it's not free reign here, there's new rules in town, there's new sheriff in town. That's all stuff. That's fine. Like their environment change. Right. Their mama left them.

Right? So when you say like their life's for the better, I would say it's super not. Now, maybe the structure in their life and all that better i would say it's super not now maybe the structure in their life and all that's better but their mom looked at him and said i'd rather go do something else than y'all you see what i'm saying so right major trauma major like i think one of the core traumas a person can experience right his mom leaving him so i 100 agree and i'm gonna tell you more trauma that she keeps piling on. Okay, so we have had problems with our oldest

from kind of the beginning. First it started with, I can't sleep well. This is a kid that got straight A's, very rule follower kind of kid. Can't sleep. She's also probably on the spectrum,

but she also got diagnosed this year with conversion disorder. And what, what, what have y'all done as parents to rally around this young woman? We have, we've spent time together. We've, I mean, we've talked, are like, tried to listen, try to be like, what feelings are going on? What situations we've gone to at least two counselors, maybe more. We, anyway, like. Y'all put in the effort is what I was just getting at that. Y'all put in the effort. I was just getting at that. Y'all are trying. Okay. On May 1st, our oldest attempted suicide.

So our kid just got out of the mental hospital not very long ago. Her mother, who they see periodically, now has a nasty but home where they can go, um, has had a relationship. Now, two years ago, she told our oldest that she was in a polyamorous relationship, which, you know, exacerbated things also. But now it was, why did it, why did that exacerbate things? Okay. So boy, long distance polyamorous boyfriend is now moving in. Okay. So there are going to be two boyfriends living in the house. Okay.

And I didn't mention this, but my younger daughter, she has been to the counseling also, has attachment disorder, tends to be very super friendly with men, like inappropriately friendly because she's so desperate for attention. We're terrified. Our kids are going to be molested. We are not okay with our kids going to stay at this house anymore. Okay. Um, we don't know how to talk about this in a way that, I mean,

that says, we don't want you to hate your mom. We want you to love your mom as best you can, but we're not okay with putting you in a dangerous situation. Yes. So here's a, I'm going to make some broad assumptions. Okay. And feel free to interrupt me and tell me if I'm wrong. Okay.

How long have you and your husband been married? It will be five years at the end of this month. Okay, all right. Yeah, I wrote that down, five years. So, in the last five years, and particularly the last three years, the world has unspooled on all of us, particularly on y'all. Yeah. And you have had a ringside seat to a beautiful young 12-year-old

who is now a struggling, beautiful 17-year-old. Yes. Oh, did I mention I also had a baby in this time? Might as well. Why not? Let's just make this more catty. Yeah. And as a parent, you're watching this happen as you're watching a slow motion car crash and you're doing what you can, what you know to do. And at the same time, you've got another little one who was 10 at the time, who's now 15, who I don't like saying kids are desperate for attention. I like saying they are desperate for love. Right. Okay.

I mean, whatever you want to say. Well, and here's what, if someone's like just desperate for attention, like I'm like, shut up, go away. If I see some kid who is desperate for connection, that's a totally different thing, right? That's somebody asking me for air or asking me for a sip of water. That's a different thing than I just want to be a center of attention, right? Right, right. Okay, so as a parent, as somebody who feels like they're losing control of everything. It is real easy to try to gain control in as many ways as you can in all the other areas where you

think you can drill down. I will tell you that it is 100% in you and your husband's right to want to know who else is in the home of the ex, in any home where my kids happen to be, period, right? If it's a friend's house, if it's a cousin's house, or if it's their birth mom's home and she happens to have two strange men in the house. Let's take the polyamory. Let's take the fact that they're all dating. Let's take that out. That confuses it because that rolls us into our morals or our judgments and it makes everything more chaotic than it needs to be. Okay. Let's move that over for a second. And let's just say there are two strange dudes in that house, and I got two teenage daughters. I'm not sending them into that.

The idea that because they are all dating means they're more likely to sexually assault and molest a child isn't accurate. I've never read that data anywhere. And I want to be careful not to lob grenades like that because here's why. It muddies the case for, it starts adding variables and judgments to places that don't need them. Now, I don't think it's wise. I think it's ill-advised. And I would tell anybody this with love in my heart to have two live-in boyfriends that you're sleeping with at the same time. That's a recipe for disaster, okay? It just is. And it's okay as parents to say, I don't want my kids getting that model as an alternative presentation of what love looks like. That's okay. But to suggest then, and they're probably molesters, that's where the whole argument,

your kids are going to roll their eyes. Here's a good example. If you tell your kids, if you drink a beer, you know what happens? Cancer and death and drunk driving. And then the one time they sneak a beer and they wake up the next morning and they're still alive. What they do right then that moment is they say, I wonder what else they lied to me about. And so I have to tell my kids who are 12 and six, sex is incredible. It's awesome. And it's not for 12 and six year olds. And then I insert, I tell them my values, right?

So here's the back out of the polyamory thing. A hundred percent. Y'all should be bold and feel really good about saying, I am not going to put my kids in a situation where there's revolving men in a home or two strange men. If those two men want to come meet me and my husband for lunch, and we're going to talk through what this looks like, cool. But otherwise, I'm not doing that. And I'll go to court over it, and I'll fight you over it.

We'll fill in the blank, okay? Right. We'll have that conversation. And then in a separate conversation with my 17 year old and of course my 15 year old, I would absolutely have the conversation. Here's how we think love should work.

And here's what a healthy relationship looks like. We don't agree with your mom's decision to have two live-in boyfriends and try to make a, what do they call it? A throuple. I think this is the word, like to try to make that work. That's not something that we think is wise. And we're not going to talk bad about your mom. So we want, we want y'all to know we are intentionally modeling what we think a healthy, a healthy romantic relationship looks like. And that's where you can leave it. Being distraught and raged out will not change the situation. Yeah. What, here's what will happen though. Your kids will absorb that tension and

they will think it's their fault because they will connect the dots that every time they go to mom's house, stepmom and dad get crazy. It must be us. And every time I come over here and go back the other way, it's a little bit quieter. Birth mom doesn't care. So it must be safe. You see what I'm saying?

And so I want to- Right, I mean, we don't- I know you don't. We don't rage out. I know you don't. Yeah, no, we- It's that tension. We don't want them to have all of that. Yeah. And so I think it don't. I know you don't. We don't rage out. I know you don't. Yeah, no. It's that tension. We don't want them to have all of that.

Yeah. And so I think it's identifying we choose to live healthy relationships this way because, and you and your husband may have never had that conversation. You may just be like, I'm not having, my husband's not bringing in a living girlfriend with us. Y'all may have not sat down and said, hey, here's what we think a healthy relationship looks like. Are we modeling that? And that's a killer conversation to have with a 17-year-old and a 15-year-old and a 12-year-old. That's a great conversation to have. Yeah. And then tell them, hold us accountable if you don't

see us doing that. Great. And now we're going to start entering into that conversation. And when their mother's situation falls apart, which 100% chance it will. And the internet's are going to get mad at me for saying that it will. The chances of them all being 92, two 92 year old dudes and her living out their best, like riding off into the sunset together are zero. They're just zero, right? Yeah, no. And I think he's like, he just graduated from college. So like we're 40 and I think he's 25. Excellent. Excellent. Excellent. So when this falls apart, which it will, what your kids do not need is, and I told you, so they don't need it. They need a picture of stability. That's been, that's existed the entire time. See what I mean? And that's what you can offer them. Not the, I think, no, man.

And be real clear with mom. I'm not just going to have strange dudes coming over the house. Not with my 15-year-old daughter and my 17-year-old daughter. It's not going to happen. And expect your daughters to put one and one together and come up with seven. And say, oh, it's because y'all hate mom and you hate us and we hate you. We've already been down that road. That's right. Mom already talked to the oldest about it. That's exactly right. Stay on your ground,

hold your values and be a person of dignity and respect. If you feel your body getting fired up and worked up, say out loud, I need to take a minute. Like this, the idea of putting you in an unsafe situation hurts my heart. I need to take a second and I'll circle back to you. And now I'm modeling what frustration and healthy response that frustration looks like to my teenage daughters, which is a gift that every teenager needs. See what I'm saying? This can be this mess of a situation, which it is, can be an extraordinary opportunity 10 years down the road. Because now y'all are playing a long game with these little ones, right? Uh, what does mom say about the, does she say y'all are mean or crazy or abusive?

What does she say? Or you're just not progressive enough or what, what, what does she say? Um, well, we kind of try to, I guess the one conversation that I have heard is that she claims that she is no longer involved with one of the men and that he's just a roommate now. And the other one is now her boyfriend and she's been dating him for four years. This is a traditional relationship. I mean, it was slightly untraditional when she was dating both of them at the same time, but now it's just one. And do you see how getting into the middle of who's dating who, it doesn't matter. Who cares?

No. Yeah. I'm just out of that. I don't want to know anything about anybody. I don't want to keep up with it. I don't want to know about it. Here's what I know. I'm not going to put my daughters in a situation

where there's a cadre of men that I don't know, that I don't trust, and that I don't know have her best interest at heart. Full stop. And that's at school. That's at friend's house. That's at ex-wife's house. And I'll take you to court over it.

I'll spend money over it. But we're not doing this. That is totally different. And we're going to talk about values in our home. Like, I would expect anybody to talk about their values, right? Right. You do all the time. Like, I think it's super important to put out there and not just assume they're going to absorb it.

Okay. I want you to hang on to what I'm about to say and hang on to this. I want you to provide a living, breathing reality that shows why the way you and your husband choose to do adult relationships is a better alternative. And you won't provide that by yelling and screaming. I'm not saying that you do, but you won't provide that by becoming a taser. You're going to provide that by having a home that feels safe and a home that feels warm and patience and being kind and standing up when you just stand up but standing up in a way that's under control and honorable not one of i can't take it anymore that's something that children can anchor into and i hear and this isn't you

and i'm just extrapolating this broadly to people listening. I heard this recently, I maybe even talked about it on the show. Somebody said, what if instead of yelling all the time, trying to burn down everything that we don't agree with, we just created such incredible alternatives, we built such incredible things that it rendered the other stuff obsolete. And if I double down on how good my marriage can

be, and I create a space between me and my wife that allows my kid to anchor into that, my two kids to anchor into that, and that they can't wait to get home just because it feels safe. It's not a charged environment. And where we listen to them and we hold them accountable, we do all that stuff together, they're going to lean into that safety. They're going to lean into that because it's peaceful, right? That's the fruit there. And so instead of worrying about, ah, it's good, I'm going to show you. Here's what this looks like.

And that's how people's hearts are going to change. And that's going to allow your kids to and don't forget those girls are going to be doing whatever they can for a long, long time to figure out what they did wrong that made mom leave. And the best you can do is walk alongside them and say, you're enough. You're enough. You're enough. And they're going to do any number of things to try to prove to mom that they're worth being loved. And they're going to need you in their ear. You're enough. You're enough. I love you. You're enough. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic

life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost.

Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. Alright,

we are back. Let's see here. Let's go... Actually, no. Oh, hey, if y'all want to know how the show actually works It's that Kelly coming in going Actually, no We decided that since we have to sit here and listen Who's we?

The collective control room Oh, the board people? Yes Okay That we have to sit here and listen to this So occasionally we should get to ask a question. We have to listen. This is fantastic.

We have to listen. That we should get to ask a question if we have questions about, you know, that fall within the topics. So Nathan. We literally were hanging. All right, let's do it. I know, but Nathan has a great question that we thought was excellent and worth being on the air. All right, let's do it. What's up, Nathan? By the way, Nathan is the YouTube guru. He runs all these cameras and switches

them and lights and everything. It's good to see you, man. Okay. What's up? All right. So we have metrics for physical health when it comes to heart rate, calories, weight, all that stuff. How do we track when we know that we have become mentally healthy? Do you have an example of that? I have an example of that. Like, how do you know when you get there, wherever,

like, like, okay, so let me see if this is what you're asking. If you wanted to, you're a pretty buff guy, but you're like, I want to put on 25 more pounds of raw American beef muscle, right? And you went to the gym and you lifted a lot. You would have a scale and you would have a number of workouts that you did.

And you would be able to say, I made this goal or I didn't make this goal. But when you and your wife are like, we want to be mentally well, want to have good mental health, how do we know when we got there? Is that what you're asking? Yeah, so it's like, if you know you're not in a good place in your mental health, and you start that process of becoming

mentally healthy, how do you know when you've gotten to a place where you are? Okay, alright. So I think it's important. That's a great question you are. Okay, all right. So I think it's important. That's a great question, man. Good call. You should have called into the show.

That's great. Okay, so here's my answer to that, just off the top of my head. Number one, mental health is a process. It's a state of doing. It is not a destination. You will never get to, like, I'm mentally well.

There's not people yelling that on rooftops. It's a process because the moment you think like, oh, I'm great. That's when you walk out in the parking lot and somebody texts you and says, hey, mom's got cancer. That's when you find out your friend just got a car wreck, right? Life happens over and over and over again. So dealing with those things up and down, up and down doesn't mean you're not mentally healthy, right? Life happens over and over and over again. So dealing with those things up and down, up and down doesn't mean you're not mentally healthy, right? Or mentally well. So mental health is a process. It's a thing that you do. It's not a destination. You can never quote unquote get

there. Here's an interesting thing. I was just talking to somebody about this the other day. So part of me unspooling back in 2008 and 2009 was my, I grew up, we had a lot of financial challenges growing up. My dad was just a police officer. I think we made like 22 grand a year. We didn't make a lot of money and we struggled a lot financially growing up. So I have a built-in narrative that my body responds to that money is a trigger across the board for me.

It just always has been. 2008 and 2009, I was coming into my own as a young professional. I was over things, having to deal with budgets for the first time and personnel for the first time. And everything fell apart, right? And I just bought another house

and everything in the country fell apart. So I was listening to students come from all over the country and their parents were having to pull them out of school and people's home equities were falling apart. It was just a mess. And my body responded as though this, the apocalypse is upon us, right? And that came out as anxiety that came out as extreme OCD that came out of seasons of running really low and being burned out. I've always had ADHD. So any

diagnosis you can throw at it, man, I was all over the place. The journey out of that, so now we're entering into a recession. Inflation is crazy. There's economic issues everywhere. I was just talking to someone the other day. After a decade of learning how to sleep, learning the importance of having friends and making that a regular priority the importance of having a daily exercise routine being conscious of what i eat and what i put into my head right whether that's if i just listen to pantera 24 7 i'm going to be a little more of an angry guy right um if uh if i watch the news 24 7 i'm going to be raged out. It's going to spin my brain up. So the process of me getting

well has just been a continuation. So the facts haven't changed. The economy is a mess and it's about to get gnarly for a season. Here's how I know I am on a path of wellness. My body's not reacting as though it's the end of time. Does that make sense? And so when somebody says, how do I know if I'm mentally well, if I'm healthy? Can your body hear these stories? Can your body be faced with reality? And can it respond appropriately? Is that fair? Does that make sense?

So if my wife gets in a car wreck today and passes away, don't want to put that in the universe, but let's say that happens. An appropriate response for my body will be to shut down in the black hole of grief for a long time and have to deal with two little kids and all that stuff. That would be appropriate. The process of dealing with inflation, economy, whatever,

now I'm going to deal with it and my body's not taking off on me. So I'm going to deal with it with the facts I have in front of me and I'm just going to live that way. And I'm going to keep doing the things that help me be well. Does that answer your question? Is that helpful?

Yeah, yeah. I feel like I talked around to that. I don't know. You're laughing, Kelly. No. Is that stupid? No, I thought that was great. Okay.

How do you know when you're mentally well? On those rare, rare moments when that happens? I think it's when I feel that I'm, kind of what you said, when I feel like I've responded, not even to a crisis, because, you know. Just life, yeah.

Just life appropriately. Because you know when you don't respond appropriately, you know, and you're like, wow, that was way out of line. Yeah. When I feel like. Just life appropriately. Because you know when you don't respond appropriately, you know, and you're like, wow, that was way out of line when I feel like I've responded appropriately. And also when I, a lot with me is when I feel like I'm doing okay when I can say, wow, I messed that up. Or I know I apologized to my kids because I acted,

you know, I yelled when I shouldn't have or whatever. So it's really trying to keep my body out of fight or flight whenever possible, right? Or only going into fight or flight when necessary, right? And yeah, that tells me, that's the metric, if you will, that I'm on the path. And I do think some of the metrics like for heart rate variability, they tell me if my body's functioning okay. The scale is but one data point that tells me, hey man, it's higher than it was.

That tells me you're heading off into other paths. It's great, man. That's a good data point. Does that make sense? So all these data points, they still work, but there's no end goal to quote unquote mental health. It's a daily path that we walk, right? Does that make sense?

And you've got four kids, so good luck with that. Good luck with that. Hey, thanks for the question, man. You should call into the show. You should work on this show, man. I'm just kidding. I'm glad you're here. You give. Yeah, that's all I'll say. None of this happens without that dude. We'll be right back.

Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at

you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, who picked these lyrics? Kelly's, her third favorite band. She has a bunch of bands tattooed all over her. The one that's tattooed right above, she's got like that old sun, right, in her lower back, the tattoo right above that sun. You said it, not me, is her third favorite band, Paramore. And the song is Fake Happy. And it goes like this. I love making you believe what you get is what you see, but I'm so fake happy. I feel so fake happy. And I bet everybody here is just as insincere.

We're all so fake happy. I know I'm fake happy. So I've been doing a good job of making them think I'm quite all right. Better hope I don't blink. You see, it's easy when I'm stomping on a beat, but no one sees me when I crawl back underneath. If I smile with my teeth,

I bet you believe me. If I smile with my teeth, I think you believe me. Hey, stop pretending. Stop. Stop playing fake happy. Call somebody. Let them know you're not all right.

We'll see you soon. Coming up on the next episode. I actually do think you have the greatest mental health podcast in the world. Yes. Mom, is this you have the greatest mental health podcast in the world. Yes. Mom, is this you? John, go do your laundry.

My husband hasn't wanted to combine our finances. When I need groceries and things for the baby, I have to kind of tell him like, oh, I need 100, I need 50, I need this or that, you know, and just kind of little bit by little bit ask for the things that I need. Emma, do you hear that that's madness? He's intimacy

avoidant with me, you know, acts out regularly with ex-girlfriends, former affair partners. He has chosen to continue a series of destructive behaviors that are blowing up his life, and most importantly, the one woman he said was going to be his one woman.