The Dr. John Delony Show - How Often Should We Have Sex?

Episode Date: March 8, 2024

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Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. The one thing that we keep hitting a hiccup on is our physical intimacy life. And there seems to be a disconnect as far as the quantity of how often it occurs. You're just doing such a good job of dancing around this. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you're with us. Talking about your marriage, your dating relationships,

your mental health, your sex life, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. My promise is I'm going to sit with you Like I've been doing with people for two decades I'm going to sit with you And we're going to figure out what's the next right step If you want to be on the show Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 It's 1-844-693-3291

Or go to johndeloney.com Slash ask A-S-K. And can we just pause for a second? We got to cap off last week. Like, the podcast went to number four in the country. It did, and it stayed there for three days. It stayed there.

It was at number nine when the week started, and I was like, oh, that was cute. And then it just kept going. And that means y'all are sharing it with your friends, and they're staying. And we're still kept going. And that means y'all are sharing it with your friends. And they're staying. And we're still in the top ten. I know. And we've been at number one in health and fitness this entire time.

Dude, we're riding that one like a pony. Is that bad? I don't think that was bad. You looked at me. I don't think so. Okay, good. I was just thinking like equine therapy. I wasn't, but.

We were all thinking that. Come on, ride that train. See? Yeah, yeah. Anyway. Hey, that's big. That means we can know. We are up to 38 listeners, America, and I'm glad.

Man, we've basically doubled in the last four years. This is awesome. Hey, thank you so much for sharing the show, subscribing it, liking it. Please, please, if you haven't, just take a second and do that. And keep sending these episodes to your friends if you have a buddy or um uh just a pal who's like man this this this one would hit home uh send it to them that really helps everybody out i'm grateful and it makes my heart feel big all right let's go out to seattle washington oh we got a couple on the line let's go to uh walk me through how to do this guys we're gonna go to

elizabeth hey elizabeth what's up hi up? Hi, good morning, how are you? Partying, how are you? About the same Yeah, it's our version of sunny today So I'm doing good It's just less rainy gray Yeah, exactly I just, like Pearl Jam sitting under a tree

Writing a sad song on a park bench Yep Just there and sad It fits the mood for sure There you go Alright, cool So I'm gonna bring in is this husband, Joel? Yes

Alright, let's do this, hang on a second Let's bring in Joel, hey Joel, what's up man? Not much, how you doing? I'm good, so are both of you on now? Yes Yeah, I'm here Oh, very cool, are you all in the same house or are you all in different places? Same house

Different places of the apartment, yeah Oh, apartment. But y'all are like far enough away that she can't hit you when you talk, right? That's the hope. A couple doors in between us. Oh, a couple doors. Oh, fantastic. All right, so go for it. What's up?

Elizabeth, I clicked on you first, so you go first. Sure, yeah. Well, first of all, thank you so much for everything you and your team do. I'm lucky enough to be one of the original 17 listeners. OG 17, yeah. Yeah. That's cool. I listen to you guys whenever I side hustle because we're in the baby steps right now.

And so whenever I'm out driving trying to make the extra dollar, I listen to you guys and I really appreciate everything you do. Well, I'm grateful for that. Thanks for riding with us for so long. It's awesome. Absolutely. And I really appreciate everything you do. Well, I really, I'm grateful for that. Thanks for riding with us for so long. It's awesome. Absolutely. So my question is, I just would love to hear your expertise on how to draw healthy boundaries with your spouse. I can give you a little backstory as well.

Sorry, I'm super nervous. I didn't think I was talking to you. You're okay. Don't, don't be, I mean, I can say don't be nervous, but that's like, it doesn't matter. Just go for it. And my promise is we have the best editing team in the world and they'll make you sound good. Beautiful. Okay.

So my husband and I are really close. We're best friends. We get along very well when it comes to finances, goals, dreaming, you know, all of the above. The one thing that we keep hitting a hiccup on is our physical intimacy life. And there seems to be a disconnect as far as the quantity of how often it occurs. You're just doing such a good job of dancing around this i'm trying so hard to be like radio friendly we're way past that dude that ship's sailing okay okay yeah so so i i have a hard time with initiating or even it being on my like sexting on my mind. A little backstory is I have only ever been with my husband and I went 25 years without anything. So I think I just trained myself to not need it.

So now that I'm married, it's hard to re-engage that muscle that I trained myself to not need. And I don't think my husband is asking for too much. I fully agree with him that we should be intimate more. But it's just not on my head. I don't think about it. On the top 10, it's maybe 20. I have a really hard time. And then I know he feels hurt by it. And so I'm just trying to get some tools with trying to communicate correctly,

trying to establish what each of us need without either of us feeling like we're giving more than we're receiving, if that makes sense. Yeah, totally. Without dropping boundaries, but also like our boundaries necessary for her spouse. Cause I, I've never done this before. So I'm just learning, learning as I go. How long have you been married? We've been married a year. We've been together for four. You may have the healthiest year in like,

we're talking about sex frequency conversation that I've ever heard. Kudos to you. Thank you. I give you guys kudos for that because you've given us a lot of language to be able to use without throwing daggers at each other. That's awesome. So I'm going to go to Joel, but before we go, I want you wrestling with something, okay? Sure. You said a word a couple of times, and it's going to end up being very important, okay? Okay. Sure. You said a word a couple of times and it's going to end up being very important.

Okay. And I wrote it down on my little yellow pad here. I think there's a story that I want you to challenge that just because you waited until you were 25, that somehow something's not working right. Okay. Wow. That's a story you've told yourself and it's not accurate. And, uh, there, there may be stories around the waiting, right? Like if you do this, you're bad. Or if like, those may be for real, those may be ghosts that are still haunting you. But this idea that somehow you're broken is not accurate. Okay. Okay. Sorry. I didn't think I'd get teared up at eight o'clock my time. No, you're good to go. And here's the word I want you to switch. Did you come from a pretty religious household? I actually don't. Okay. You just made this choice on your own?

But yeah. Okay. Good on you for holding to your values, man. That's amazing. You put a value anchored into concrete. You said, this is who I'm going to be. Good, man. That's amazing. You put a value anchored into concrete and you said, this is who I'm going to be. Good for you. That's amazing. I want you to start having a conversation that you may have never given yourself permission to have. You used the word need several times, and we're going to talk about why that's important, but I want you to start asking yourself, what do I want? And that's a radically different question. Okay?

We're just going to let that float for a second. All right, Joel, give me your side of the story. I just want to have sex, man. What's your side of the story? Yeah, well, so, yeah, big in conversations. we've had really deep conversations, even when we were friends. Um, and I know it's something I got to work on, but, uh, physical touch and quality time are like my, they are far above my love languages. And what's more quality time and physical touch than having sex with your wife? So, yeah, that's been a thing for me, and I want to enjoy it because I do come from a very strict religious household to where it, you don't do anything before marriage or, you know, going to the fire gates. You burn in hell.

That's right. Yeah. Exactly. Which makes sex super appealing, right? You know, if you do this, you're going to be tortured for eternity. Ready? Yeah. Right.

Yeah, exactly. And so then that a little back history that then led me to getting married really, really young. I was married before. And, you know, when you're getting married for the wrong reasons, it usually doesn't end up very well. So going through that divorce, then remarriage and going, OK, now I can fix all the things that I did wrong in the first marriage. And this should be great. And, you know, when you're in the honeymoon phase, everything is awesome and great. And then reality sits in and we got married and everything. And then it's like, okay, now it was like, all of a sudden the brakes got pumped and I'm like, okay,

I know you've talked about, you know, as many green lights and as few red lights as possible to help the intimacy. And so trying to do that and, and create all these green lights for, uh, for Elizabeth and, uh, making sure that she feels safe and comfortable and we have the conversations and sure enough, her lungs language is words of affirmation and I don't even know what that is. So working on that. But yeah, but I also want to have, there's like she's mentioned,

healthy boundaries. I want to make sure that i'm not asking too much or i'm not forcing because i don't want to be that kind of a guy i don't want to be the um and so it's where's that healthy boundary for couples uh like hey you know what no this is my boundary or um you know we're we're married it's. So that's where I'm lost. I don't know where that is. And as a man, I don't want to force myself. No, I got you. I got you.

You're a good man. You're a good man. And you're trying to figure this out in real time and balance what you believe to be our quote-unquote needs and also you want to honor your wife. And you want to do it in this way, in this 21st century way where you're a masculine male that also does it all perfectly and carries the feminine. Like it's just a mess,

right? There's no roadmaps, right? All right. I'm going to reverse engineer this. I'm going to start with you. Okay, Joel.

And you're going to think, you know where I'm heading. You probably don't. Is that cool? So don't try to guess and get there first. Just walk with me, okay? Okay. What happens the day after you wanted to have sex the night before and it doesn't happen?

What happens the day after? Yeah. What is your detachment strategy? Do you pout? Do you get mad? Are you super cool about it? Do you go masturbate by yourself? What's your thing? What do you do? because it's fighting and initially it's How dare you? No, no, it's me fighting my internal dialogue of, well, I guess she doesn't love me. She didn't want to do this.

Yes. And I'm not asking that much because it's a husband and wife thing to do. Yep. And it's me fighting that though, going, no, she still me, even if she doesn't want to have sex with me. But then it's like that internal fight. All right, so I want to cast this out here and tell me if I'm wrong. All right?

And this is going to take a lot of reflection. And don't just make a snap like, no, no, no. But just think about it for one second okay most men in the current world we live in live such boring lame uninterested devoid of purpose and desire disconnected lives that sex is the last frontier. It's the last place for connection. It's the last place for emotional giving. It's the last place for performing with somebody. You've heard the phrase women solve problems kneecap to kneecap and men shoulder to shoulder. It's the closest men have to shoulder to shoulder because at work, we're just doing emails, right? And it's all wrapped up in this one place. And then I know this book has helped bajillions of people

and I don't necessarily have a problem with the ethos of it, the five love languages book. But the problem is that book has become etched in concrete. You will do this for me because this is the way, and I don't like that language. I don't think it's accurate, okay? When you have placed all connection, all, the question, am I worthy, can only be answered by who loves us and who do we love. Am I enough? Do you see all of me and

still love me? And if the only place in the world where that happens is in the bedroom, then you put a monumental task on a single person, which is you have to carry all of me. And then here's where this gets kind of dicey. Cause I'm gonna start talking about energy and people are going to tune me out. So stay with me. All right.

When often, not always, often, when a woman feels like a man needs sex from her, need is a very maternal energy. I have to provide for you, which is a different energy than my husband wants me, which is an erotic energy. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. And often, all across the country, women are telling me over and over that they flip a switch when they are the only person on planet earth that holds their husband in their hand and he needs sex i need this from you then they become a mom versus i really desire you and then you got your wife over here and the words she was using out of the gate were

need. I don't need this. I don't need, need, need. And neither of y'all are talking about what do you want? And the words about want, the energy around want is eros. It's erotic, right? That's a totally different body energy. It's a totally different thing you bring to the table. And the beauty of what you guys have done is you all have wrapped it up in a, I'm assuming, a monogamous relationship. It's game on within this boundary you all have created for yourself. But I'll tell you, she can't hold you, all of you. Now, go back to what I said earlier.

I kind of kept rambling there to give you a second. Does that hit you as, no, man, I got a lot of men that I serve with. I got a lot of men that I do cool things with. I have a fulfilling, purpose-driven job. I'm running a business. Is that you, or is it like, oh, no, that kind of sounds like me, man? Well, the me today, is a hundred percent me um i used to be all adventurous crazy going out and doing everything um but yeah now today it's like yeah work straining and just yeah there's not not as much adventure or not as much, like, drive.

It's not even adventure. Think of purpose. Yeah. Think of reason to get out of the bed. Yeah, exactly. Otherwise, sex becomes a place of desperation. And it's kind of a turnoff, right? Now, there's going to be some people who are like, dude, I want someone to be desperate for me.

That's fine. That's outside of the bell curve, okay? Now, Elizabeth, you're here in this conversation. Jump in. Yeah, it's definitely ringing true for me. And I don't know about maternal, but it does feel like immense pressure. And then I feel guilty for feeling that pressure instead of being honored by that pressure. Sorry, I'm starting to get emotional. No, that's what you just said is so profound. Yes. Because there's a difference between I desire you and then the lifelong, like, am I enough? Am I beautiful? Not like those insecurities will show up, but that's different than, Hey, I need you to go get the groceries. I need you to go get some gas in the

car and I need sex three times a week. Right. Then it becomes, it becomes, it gets put on a list. And then when that activity is the proof that your husband's lovable or not? That's a lot to carry, right? It is. How do you experience him when he wants more sex than he's having? The best way I can put it, sorry. The best way I can put it is it feels like he disconnects. It's like there's like a light in the back of his eyes that just stops focusing in

or, you know, he'll be quieter than normal. And he's not a super talkative guy, but he'll just do things more on his own. He goes inside of himself. Yeah, yeah. He'll get up and go walk the dog or go, you know, do things individually instead of kind of including me in it. Yeah. Yeah. So Joel, um, the words I'm going to use are,

I understand they're kind of deflating. So just go with me. Okay. Um, it's been my experience working with men that when we get to a place where there's a mix match, right? Or mismatch, however you say it, um, of sexual, like I want to have more sex than not. And more importantly, I want it to be great. And I want her to really want it when we do do it. Right. And then there's the, the, it's a mismatch that it becomes an act of desperation. It becomes a thing that I need.

It becomes a constant loop in your mind. And then it becomes just about release or just about getting off. And the light burns really bright like a fire until you know, nope, it's not going to happen. And then that flame's out. Or the flame burns real bright. You get off. It's a release, nope, it's not going to happen, and then that flame's out. Or the flame burns real bright, you get off, it's a release, ah, it's over, and then that pressure starts building up again for tomorrow.

Does that ring a bell? Yeah, that sounds very familiar. Okay, all right. So can I tell you both, I think your marriage is freaking incredibly strong. Well, thank you. And I don't think there's anything wrong with either of you. I don't. I think y'all have fallen into, you haven't fallen into anything. I think y'all are walking the lane that the world

has handed us for what marriage looks like. Here's a couple of lies. Girls, women, their sex drive is male sex drive light. It's male sex drive divided by two. That's not true. Most women have never been asked, what do you actually want? What are you into? What feels good? What do you like? What do you not like? That's number one. Number two, men have been told that they need this thing and that becomes the driver over I want. I desire my wife. And when you have Eros in your home, and I'm taking this, this is all Greek. Esther Perel talks a lot about it. When that's in your home,

when that becomes the air that you breathe as a newlywed couple, I want her, then dishes just get done. Right? You're able to say, hey, I'm really, I really would love X, Y, and Z. I can say it out loud instead of just hinting. One more question for you, Joel. I should have asked this earlier. I'm going to make things really weird at dinner tonight. Are there sexual things, positions, things you want to try, things you want to do that you haven't brought up yet?

Actually, no, there are things I do want to try and do, but I have brought them up and they've been shot down. So it's, it's trying to make sure that I don't push those boundaries as well. Okay. All right. And not just frequency, but also often people, so good, good on you. Often people, on you And if we had a whole other We could do a whole show with just you two But if we had a whole other call I would love to hear how he brings it up Elizabeth That would just be amazing

My guess is There's a hem haw to it Or it's brought up like Hey could you pick up some more almond milk At the grocery store? And by the way, I want to try this thing. And Elizabeth, in your mind, you go, I don't know how that's physically possible,

but I'll, right? And it's not done out of arrows. It's not done out of desire or want. It's done out of, will you do a task for me? Instead of, do you want to, you want to do something crazy, right?

One of those is an invitation and one of those is a checklist. All that to say is this, I want y'all first and foremost to read Emily Nagatsuki's book together. Have y'all done that? We haven't. No. Okay. Please mention it before.

Please get that book and y'all read it together. You're you'll both blush. Cause she is, she is as it not a faith-based book by any stretch of the imagination at all. But it is the best book I've read on, A, introducing, the book is for women. It's written to women on introducing them into this question, what do you want? And most women have, what even feels good? What, like entering into the space, what are the voices? What are the stories that you start to tell yourself or that have been told to you and that you are taking on, right?

It just starts from square one. And honestly, what I love about it, it starts with an anatomy lesson. Most women, not say most women, a large number of them don't even know that. Like, here's what things are called. And we're going to start that, right? And it gets into it. But here's what's amazing. It begins to give you a series of questions you can ask and broaden the conversation in your home. It's not just about this. Can we have intercourse tonight? Because that question is wearing you out, Elizabeth. That question is wearing you out, Joel. And you've talked about green lights and red lights. Emily Nagoski, she throws this idea of

sex drive out the window. It says it's a series of gas pedals and brakes my guess is you have focused a lot on the gas pedals in the house for elizabeth what are her brakes and her brakes right now are i don't even think about it it doesn't even enter my mind by the way are you on uh birth control elizabeth um yes, but it's non-hormonal or anything, so it wouldn't affect. I've heard that repeatedly, so that's just a quick aside

that it can affect libido. But, Joel, I want you to have the conversation, not about what you need. I want you to have the conversation, what do I want

in my home? What do I want this home to feel like? And I want you to have the conversation, what do I want in my home? What do I want this home to feel like? And I want you to start asking for things like this. Hey, Elizabeth, I got a record player. Will you dance to this song with me? We do have a record player. I know.

I'm just kidding. I was hoping you would. You're from Seattle, for God's sake. But will you dance with me? And Joel, I want you to experience Elizabeth outside of intercourse. I want you to learn to want her, not to have to have this. And here's the crazy part. Over time, you will need each other like oxygen. You'll become fused. But we're not there yet. Right now, I want y'all to explore play and fun.

And sometimes it will lead to intercourse. Sometimes we're going to talk about intercourse beforehand. Sometimes we're going to dance. And right now you're thinking, yeah, dude, but I don't get that release. I don't get that get off. Exactly. And my promise is if you work at it, especially if you work through that book together, Elizabeth, you're going to begin to notice things that feel good and don't feel good. And if you get to the end and y'all have worked through this, go see a doctor.

Okay. Go talk to a professional. Say, hey, I'm struggling with X, Y, and Z. But your conversation is so, your concerns are so common that I'm, I'm guessing it's a bigger picture than that. Okay. So I've thrown a lot at you and I haven't given you any bedroom techniques intentionally. So last thing, what is this? And I'm going to say this in a cheesy way but I'm serious

what is the state of the anxiousness in your home I'm a ball of anxiety like I'm just I'm like a rubber band ball about what everything I'm going to send you a copy of building a non-anxious life I want you to work

through it from start to finish. Okay. Because if your body is anxious, if it's sound in the alarms, if you're in fight or flight, having a moment of intimacy, like deep sexual connection with your new husband is insane to your body because your body's trying to not die can y'all not all see what's happening you see what i'm saying having sex sounds insane why would you stop to do that you know what else is insane sleep why in the world would you sleep the only thing that makes sense is mainlining sugar and carbs because it keeps us going coffee too yeah well i'm on cup number 44 for today, right? And Joel, here's your homework.

Besides reading this book alongside Elizabeth. By the way, I don't know Emily Nagoski, Dr. Nagoski. I don't know her. I've never met her. I just think the book's incredible. I want you, and this is going to sound nutty, I want you to start hanging out with a group of guys once a week. Okay.

The research says two nights a week. I want you to start with one. And you might think, I don't have any guy friends. Exactly. I want you to have a hard conversation. In fact, I'm going to send you my buddy, Ken Coleman's got a, it's like an assessment for what job you should be doing. I want you to take it.

Okay. Because I want you to open your eyes ready to go be of service to something today. I want you to begin thinking, no, I play a key role at wherever it is I work, whether I'm a plumber or I'm a physician or whatever, a surgeon, or I sweep the streets, I have a role to play here. And that way, the entire weight of your identity and worth doesn't rest on an orgasm. And by the way, taking that pressure off Will make your orgasms A. Way more frequent And B. Infinitely more amazing

Sounds good to me Right Right Okay Elizabeth I've thrown a lot at you What are you hearing? What are you feeling?

I'm feeling hopeful I just I really I really want to Do the right thing. And we have a lot to work on. That's anxiety talking. Get out of that.

There's not a right thing to do. I want you to start thinking about ways of being. I'd like to not be anxious. There you go. About everything. Good. It's hard to be sexual when you're trying to not die. It's hard to be sexual when you're exhausted.

It's hard to be sexual when your husband deals with anxiety by having sex. Right? Joel, what are you feeling? Yeah, this is it's actually really good I knew there was stuff we were missing because we were trying to solve all this on our own

and figure it all out and I hadn't even thought about job I was in a high adrenaline job before which was great but yeah I was in a high adrenaline job before, which was great. But, yeah, this is good information. I appreciate it.

Your fun homework for tonight is I want you all to go to dinner, and I want you all to write out, here's some things I want. And, Joel, you can put the four or five things you want to try in the bedroom, that's fine. But Elizabeth might put, I want to become more sexual with my husband. Not do it more. I want to create desire in my home. I want that to be a thing we practice.

And here's some things I love. I love it when you hold my hand in public I love it when you put your hand on my knee under the table I love it when you put your arm around me I love when you open my door I love it when I get home and the dish is already done I don't know what those things are But here's some things I want

And here's some things I love And Joel, here's some things I want I want my wife to look at me As though like I'm kind of awesome. And you got to figure out how you're going to go be awesome, right? Because she's not going to lie to you. And I want my wife to initiate sometimes. I want my wife to hold my hand.

I want my wife to desire me. Okay, cool. What must be true? We're going to work there. And these other things upstream begin to open up in an entirely new way. And let's be really careful about need energy. Because need is parent-child. Want.

Desire. That's love. That's amazing. That's eros. That's love. That's amazing. That's eros. That's erotic. That's a husband and a wife getting off the rails. Thank you all so much for calling. Joel and Elizabeth, hang on the line.

We're going to hook you up with some free stuff. Call anytime. Let me know how reading that book goes. Can't wait to hear how it goes. We'll be right back. All right, let's go out to Orange County, California, home of social distortion, and talk to Austin. What's up, Austin? Hi there, Dr. John.

I'm good, brother. What's up? I can't believe I'm actually speaking to you. I can't believe I'm talking to you, man. That's fantastic. What's up? Well, first off, I'd like to say thank you so much for all you guys are doing um my life's been on a positive um direction ever since i found you guys i like to thank at least and um yeah very cool man thanks for being with us what's up how can i help i wish i could um put my question uh a few words, but long story short, I really haven't been able to find a better purpose in life or just, I don't know, like dreaming. I got out of the military back in 2021.

I come from a military family, and I've always thought that I was going to be a soldier, always thought I was going to be going to overseas. Don't mean to sound negative or depressed, but never thought that I was going to be making it out alive. And I thought that was just going to be what I was going to be doing. And ever since I got separated from the military, I've been having a really tough time just finding a purpose to even get up in the morning. Or, I mean, I have a job, I wish to leave and got a huge pay bump, but I guess the pay bump didn't really give me the happiness or I thought it was gonna change everything for me

once I got the pay bump that I was desiring, but yeah. So tell me about this idea of, I mean, back up, why did you get discharged from the military? I had an injury to my dominant hand Oh man My grip straightened by my dominant hand It was about 30% of where it was And at the time

I just was dropping stuff. Okay. Hey, Austin, I'm going to ask you a few questions, and I want you to be as honest as possible with me, okay? Yeah, go ahead. Do you think about hurting yourself? No. I don't think about hurting myself,

but I do think all the time that this world would be much better off without. Yeah. But no, I don't think I hurt myself. I don't believe you. Hold on, Austin. I don't believe you. What do you mean?

I think you're way closer to the edge than you're letting people know. Well, I... Austin, Austin, Austin, Austin. Tell me the truth. Yes, sir. No, I'm not suicidal. That's what you're asking.

Okay. Where does this story come from that you're going to die on a battlefield? Um, like I said, my grandfather was my... my oh didn't say this yet my grandfather was a general in the creed re um he was my hero my just one person that i've ever looked up to and person that i wanted to be like and he served in multiple he um wars and was wounded at each one and I just um but he came home to see you he came home

to start a family right yeah so you took his story and you added your part to it which is that you die out there

why why that ending why not come home and start a family and sit with your grandson and pass it on? I don't think anyone's ever asked the question that way, but... Sorry. No, you're okay, man. This is hard. I'm not going to lie.

The fact that my family would be taken care of financially if I did. So overseas, things didn't get real. Hey, Austin, remember how you thought getting a pay bump was going to make everything okay? Yeah. Your family doing life with a check minus Austin is that pain times a thousand. They wouldn't be taken care of without you. There'd be a gaping hole in their world. And so somehow you built a story.

Your granddad sounds amazing. Was your father in the military too? Just briefly. Nothing. Nothing. I'm with my grandfather. Your grandfather was a veteran. An amazing guy. Did you ever get to meet him? Did you get to sit with him?

Do things with him? Yes. Okay. Give me some of the feelings you remember as a little boy with your granddad. Just level of gravity. you remember as a little boy with your granddad? Just level of gravity. I knew everything she did was moral. I knew if I

could just be 10% of the person that she is. You're already getting up and dividing yourself into pieces. I don't want that. I want you to tell me. Being around him, what did it feel like? Who was the guy? He was a good man? He was moral?

He did the right thing? Did he treat you right? Did he treat his wife right? Yeah. Okay. What was his civilian job when he got home? He joined the Royal Foundation, did charity work until the day he passed. Okay.

He was a man of service. Yes, he... Hold on, hold on, hold on. Stay with me. You've taken be a great husband, be a great dad, be a great

person of service. His whole life was dedicated to service. He was a great grandfather. And you've taken all those lessons and distilled them down to, I want to die on a battlefield. And so I want to ask you, finding purpose,

where could, you can't, the military, that dream, I'm going to go do this thing. I'm going to be career. I'm going to be just like my granddad. Okay. And this one facet, you can't. I'm going to go do this thing I'm going to be career I'm going to be just like my granddad Okay In this one facet You can't

But can you still be a man That treats his wife right? Yes Can you be a man That takes care of his kids And his family And dedicates his life to service? Absolutely

Can you be the granddad Whose grandkid sits up And just goes Man I don't be like that guy That sounds really great Can you be the granddad whose grandkids sits up and just goes, man, I don't be like that guy. Um, that sounds really great. But, um, I forgot to mention that I am extremely against marriage and or having kids. Um, and I don't, and that's, that's the other thing.

I just can't picture myself. Why? Why are you against that? Having't picture myself. Why? Why are you against that? Having my own family. Why? Where does that story come from? I don't think I've ever seen, personally, somebody's life getting better. You're talking to one.

I know. That's why I wanted to call you. I need the confirmation that you're real, sir. Yeah, I'm real. I don't even know. I'm real. And 100% of my life is better because of the person I chose to marry. And 100% of my life is better because of my two kids. I have less money, less sleep, less time, and everything is better.

I have to share my interest. I have to involve other people, and everything is bigger. Everything is better. Harder, yeah. Worth more, absolutely. And somehow you've told yourself the story of like dying on a battlefield is somehow make somebody's life better. But becoming a great romantic partner, being a great dad, that's noble too, brother. But here's the bigger picture.

Circle them back. You've told yourself a story that the world would be better with you not here. And Austin, if you listen to this show for any amount of time, I don't lie to people. What you're saying is not

true. Thank you. The world would not be a better place now am I saying you have to go get married am I saying you have to go have kids I'm telling you that you've constructed a box of stories that feels like it's made out of concrete

but it's not it's made out of straw yeah I don't know. It's just even with my own parents, I guess, for example, I feel like my mother's life would have been just much better if she didn't have. Not true. I don't ever want you to repeat that story again as long as you live because it's a lie. It's not true.

It's not true. Okay? And so here's what I need you to do. I need you to feel it because I get in your body it doesn't feel right. But I need you to know the facts aren't matching up with your feelings right now. And that's okay. Uh-huh. When's the last time you talked to a professional?

I did one session through BetterHelp, but with finances, to be honest, I have a very hard time getting connected with somebody. I knew it was going to take a long time for me to be able to open up to somebody like that. You've done an incredibly courageous job of opening up to me and I'm a stranger on a

podcast. Well, I wouldn't say stranger. I've been always living with you on my tablet over here. You watch it and listen, but I'm a stranger. And on my tablet over here Yeah, you watch it and listen But I'm a stranger And here's the deal The path forward for you Has to go through a professional counselor

Professional therapist Period, end of story 100% you're worth it You're worth every minute of it Hang on the line, I'm going to send you three free months With better help But also I think at this point I think you need to go talk to a live therapist in your area, okay? And yes, it's going to take some time. You're worth it. Being in the military would take time.

You had this dream of yourself. You had it all played out. And that dream is going to be different. But the stories that people would be better with you not here Are not true You're not a burden, man You're not Your mom's life wouldn't be better without you here Your granddad's life wouldn't have been better without It's just not true

Yet I know that feeling in your chest is big. It feels like it's taken over everything. So to honor me, to honor the heritage of your grandfather and all he went through, the shrapnel you're taking is not on a battlefield. It's in your mind. The courage you owe me, the courage you owe him, is before the day is over, you're going to make some phone calls and you're going to get in to see somebody ASAP. And you're going to be honest with them and you're going to tell them,

I think the world would be better without me here. And I don't have a purpose or a role. You're going to make that call and then you're going to go sit and see them. If you can't get in for a couple of weeks, you're going to call BetterHelp and you're going to get on them within 48 hours. And I'm going to pay for it. But I want you to begin to ask yourself, what is it about my granddad off the battlefield that I can become in this world? A man of service,

a man who takes care of his community, a man who takes care of his family, a man who loves deeply and really, really well. Where can we do that? That becomes your new adventure, my brother. I'm going to send you a copy of both of my books and my friend Ken Coleman's Get Clear Assessment. You can begin looking at jobs.

I've got a role I want to play. I've got a purpose I want to have. I had this dream. It's not going to happen. I've got to grieve it. There we're going to go from there. Call anytime, my brother. I'm with you. But no more.

No more are we going to go around with a story that people would be better off with me not here. That's not true. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you showed bravery today. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if

we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes

and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with better help.

Visit better help.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. H E L P.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Knoxville, Tennessee and talk to Dan, the man. What's up,

Daniel? Hey, it's a pleasure to talk to you, Dr. John. You too, brother. What's up, man? Well, my wife and I, we have this reoccurring argument that tends to cause some tension between us. And otherwise, we have a really great relationship. Everything's good, except she sets the house on fire and I'm just kidding. All right. So y'all have the same fight. What is it?

Well, it revolves around her career and she's, she's currently a music teacher for a K through eight school. And, and I know she, she does an awesome job, but she, she doesn't act like she's happy. And so usually the, she'll, she'll kind of get to a point every now and then where she starts looking for other jobs and she doesn't have any luck. And I think that it's because she's looking for something really specific for music teacher jobs in certain grade levels. And so the argument tends to happen whenever I suggest maybe learning a new skill or going back

to college to learn to get a more fulfilling career. And she's open to doing something different, but she's not at all open to the idea of learning something new or going back to school. So that's the main thing that's happening. When she sits down with you, Daniel, is she asking, what should I do to make myself feel better and not hate my job? Or is she sitting down with her husband trying to connect? Well, I think, yeah, I think a lot of it is just trying to connect.

And I think that another part, like that was part of my question too. At what point, I mean, that's the tale as old as time to just listen. But when does just listening become neglectful or dismissive? Yeah, there's a difference between, well, as a man, you're trying to solve a problem. Like, I hate my job. Cool, get another one. Right? There's a huge hill in front of us.

All right, well, hike it. Or lay down. But those are your two choices, right? But instead, she might be reaching out and asking you, do you see me and do you hear me? Yeah. And so you feel it as neglectful. Have you ever simply asked,

do you want me just to listen, or are you asking for my input here? Just that question. Yeah, no, I guess I need to do that. Yeah. You also, here's another thing. You also do not have to play the role of trash bin. Okay.

You don't have to be a dumpster for your wife. And you can say, hey, when you come home and tell me how bad everything is in your job and how the students are terrible and the administration doesn't do anything and the parents are morons, I get really defensive because I want to take care of and love and honor my wife. Exactly. And say those words out loud. And then say, I also know you're brilliant, you're smart, and you know that I will support you to the end of time. If you want to go back to school, you want to do another thing, but I know you're not asking me to do that, but there's only so much

I can hear. And it's not you not wanting to connect, it's you saying, I want to hear how your day is going, but I can only hear the complaints up to here and I can't give you that I can't give you that amount for you right I I do have a um I remember very distinctly I came home from one of my jobs that I'd worked at for about I don't know

four or five months and um I just kept complaining and complaining and complaining. My wife just said, Hey, I've been thinking, I have a good idea. And I was like, what does that? And she goes, you should quit. And she didn't tell me, or you should go get another degree and you should, she's like, you should quit. And that was a good wake up call for me. Like, Oh, this isn't, this isn't helping anything. Here's part two to this. What other ways do you and your wife connect? Wow.

Well, I guess that's a loaded question. We spend a lot of time together just at home after our son goes to bed, and that's kind of our time. We put him to bed early, so we kind of have time together, and we prioritize that. Okay, but what does that look like? Y'all both sitting on your couch, her on her phone, you on your phone, y'all watching some show? That's almost exactly what it looks like.

Yeah, that's not connection, brother. That's dying next to each other on a couch of loneliness. Okay. That's what that is. Connection would look like you waking up every morning and looking at your wife and saying, Hey, how can I love you today? Yeah. Not pretending we're connected just because we're in proximity to each other. You've been there, dude. You've been at a family get-together,

and you are as lonely as you've ever been surrounded by people that love you. Yeah. Right? Sure, yeah. And that's the marriage y'all have created. And so if the only bridge she has to you is negativity, that's the bridge she's going to use.

It's often the same way. The only bridge men have to connection is sex. And so the bridge he's going to use. It's often the same way. The only bridge men have to connection is sex. And so they'll just keep going, I need this, I need this, I need this, I need this. Instead of backing up and saying, are there other ways that I can get connection and intimacy and purpose? And so maybe you proposing, hey, I want to start doing, once the kid is in bed, I'm going to send you all of the questions for humans couples, and I'll send you the dating ones too. Y'all are already married, but y'all still have fun with them. I want you to propose, can we put our phones down? Can we just do a week without phones?

Okay. Can we play a fun game? Can we play Uno? Can we play a fun game? Can we play Uno? Can we play strip poker? Can we do something together? Yeah. And if she says, why? Say, I miss you.

And I'm not doing a great job connecting with you. And so let's look for ways to connect. How's that ringing true with you? Well, I think it's, this is quite a different call than I expected. I get that a lot, man. No, it's great. I think it's one of the great direction, and I think it's very insightful. Yeah, I definitely think that's important.

All right, let me frame it this way. So if I'm you, here's how I would do this. You don't have to do any at all, but I'm going to give you a playbook, okay? Okay. I would take my wife out on a date. How long have y'all been married? Eight years this year. Eight years.

You have one kid? Yes. Oh, God help you. Y'all waited a long time, right? We did. All right, here's how you have this. Oh, it's going to be fantastic. Here's what you have this. Oh, it's going to be fantastic. Here's what you say. We were married for seven years, six years, and then we had a baby.

And now we've just opened our eyes and the smoke is starting to clear and we have never been married and had a baby before. I want to build a whole new marriage. Are you in? What does that mean? I don't do a very good job connecting with you. I plopped down on the couch with my phone and turn on a TV show. I don't even know what makes you laugh anymore. I don't know what you think is funny anymore.

I don't know what books you're reading. I don't know what podcast you listen to. Like, I want to begin to connect with you. That means we're going to have to just practice some things and do some things differently. Are you in? The only time I hear you really spill in your heart to me is when you're telling me that you hate your job and I want to defend you and protect you and you don't need that from me because you're good at what you do.

I want to find other ways for us to connect. What does that look like? How can I love you today? Bro, you sit down and have that conversation. One, you might just melt her. She might just get up and walk out of the restaurant and be like, what have you done with my husband? Here's the thing.

You're being very vulnerable when you do this. She might tell you, no. I'm tired. I teach all day. Then I put our kid to bed. I don't want to do anything. Like, no. And if that's the case,

you all need to go see a marriage counselor because your marriage is in trouble. Okay? Okay. But most of the time, especially when husband sits down, plans the night, you get the babysitter,

and you are signaling, it's time for us to build a new marriage. Because we have a new marriage, whether we build a new one or not. It's all different now. I'm in. Are you? Now you're on to something. Okay? Yeah.

How's that sound? That's awesome. I really appreciate it. I think that's much better than I even expected. Awesome. So hang on the line here. I'm going to send you those questions for humans cards. It's going to give you all a free pass to put your phones down, talk, laugh, be honest with each other. You get to build something totally new, man.

And for most couples, that's super intimidating, and I get that. But man, when you rebuild a bunch of times, it becomes the funnest thing in the world. Never been married before after this. Never been married before after a kid in high school. Never been married before after burying a parent. Never been married before after whatever the job loss. You get to build something new. You get to build something new.

You get to build something new. You get to build something new. You get to build something new. And I think that rebuild is an amazing life-altering process if you welcome it instead of fight it. I'm proud of you for being a husband that still loves his wife and just wants to figure out how to connect. Proud of you, my brother. Let me know how it goes. I'll walk with you any way I can. Hey, everybody, hang on here. We have Am I the Problem coming up. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond

to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we're back, Kelly, for Am I the Problem? Let's do it. Yes, all right. This is from Susan in San Antonio.

My husband wants to go on a weekend Vegas trip with the men in his family. They don't have a men's trip, or they haven't gone on a men's trip since he was a young boy. The only issue is that I'm currently pregnant. I will be five months pregnant when the trip takes place. My pregnancy is healthy, and I have no complications. When he asked me my thoughts on this, I told him I'd rather him not go. I explained to him that this is a very vulnerable time for me and that by him going, I would feel that my feelings were being

dismissed and that I would feel abandoned. Initially, he was okay with this answer, said he would not go. However, as the the weeks pass the argument continues to come up he questioned how this trip would be any different in comparison to trips that we have often that we were taken after our child was grown am i in the wrong man thanks for this question um i guess i need some more context here um it's it's different so his response is not a good one but i need to know more about her feelings her feelings are real and they're right and all good but at five months pregnancy of a healthy pregnancy i can't think of a greater thing for their marriage than him to go spend time with his family and get together with men in their life

now if they're going to go do something that she doesn't want him doing and she doesn't want to have that conversation and she's going to blame it on the pregnancy, don't do that. But from this side, I'm feeling like she's the problem. What do you think? I agree. If it's, I mean, yes, I know that this is their first, it sounds like, but she's five months pregnant, and everything's healthy, and everything's going well.

Totally different story if it's I've had complications. I've been throwing up since day one all day long. Different story. I need your help here, but it's the men in his family, so it's not like it's a bachelor party going to Vegas. Well, I mean, there's some men in your family that can get off the rails, but the way she said it in the question was he hasn't done this for a long time. Yeah, it says that they haven't been on a men's trip since he was a young boy.

So it feels like she doesn't like the idea of this trip. And what I don't like about that is instead of saying, I don't like it when you're around these men. Or the idea, I know this guy is going to pressure everybody to go to strip clubs, it's going to be a whole thing.

Or, we don't have enough money right now for you to go blow this much money in Vegas. Whatever the thing is, I don't like it being dropped onto I'm pregnant. I see it differently. Okay, go for it. I think she's just being whiny. I think that it's... Oh, you get to go to Vegas and I don't get to go? That or just, I don't, you know, I want you here.

And I mean, yes, if you're giving birth to a human, if you're pregnant, yes, you deserve some pampering. Yes. No problem. But it's not like he said, I'm going to go spend the next three weeks in Vegas. It's a weekend with his family. I mean, you know, great.

Unless there's a problem that she is seeing that she's not directly, that she's not approaching. I mean, she needs, if there's a problem that she is seeing that she's not directly, that she's not approaching. I mean, she needs, if there's a real problem, talk about it. I don't like your uncle David. He's, you know, creepy or whatever.

But if it's just, I don't want you to go because I'm pregnant, that's not fair. How would she feel if it was a girl's trip? And he was like, I just need you home? Or she, I mean, what's the difference in, like, if she was like, I'm going to go away with the girls for the weekend and I'm five months pregnant.

What's the difference? Well, she would never do that because she needs him. I don't know. I feel like the more I talk, the more in trouble I'm going to get. I don't think so. I just think she's being a little whiny. I may get in trouble for that one. No, you're allowed to say whatever you want. I think moving

what's funny is 20 years in, me and a couple of my buddies, Mike Ness, the singer of Social D, had cancer, throat cancer, and he's better. And so they're doing a tour. And so the first night of the tour is in Vegas.

And so we all got tickets to go visit it. And my wife, as I was saying, like, hey, would you mind if... She's like, oh my gosh, you have to go. Go. And so I think most of it was a weekend with John. Go on, that'd be awesome. So it's coming. My husband and one of my kids are going out of town this weekend.

I'm already planning. I saw you making snow angels on the carpet earlier in preparation. I can't wait. I'm just so excited. Yeah. Sorry already planning. I saw you making snow angels in the carpet earlier in preparation. I can't wait. I'm just so excited. Yeah. Sorry, honey. I think you might be the problem.

If you disagree, send all your hate mail to Kelly's Instagram account. Love you guys. Stay in school. Bye.