The Dr. John Delony Show - How to Find the Right Therapist For You

Episode Date: September 18, 2020

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that gives you real talk on life, relationships and mental health challenges. Through humor, grace and grit, John gives you the tools you need to cut through the chaos of anxiety, depression and disconnection. You can own your present and change your future—and it starts now. So, send us your questions, leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291, or email [e-mail]. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   I turned in my co-worker for telling me something inappropriate and am not sure how to move forward How can I enjoy my accomplishments instead of just moving on to the next thing? My mom doesn't like the name we picked out for our baby and wants us to change it. Teaching Segment: How to find the best therapist for you Lyrics of the day: "Piano Man" - Billy Joel   tags: mental health, workplace violence, co-workers, satisfaction, fulfillment, boundaries, parents, therapy, counseling, choosing a therapist   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Today we're talking about mothers with no boundaries. We're talking about co-workers with mental health challenges and what to do. And we're going to talk about how to find a therapist, things to look for, things to be a little bit leery of, and more. Stay tuned. Hey good folks, I'm John and this is the Dr. John Deloney show, collar-driven show. We talk about real things happening to real people all the time. Talking about relationships, your relational IQ, your mental health, parenting. We're talking about that neighbor who always lets their dog crap on your lawn.

Or we're also going to talk about that neighbor that puts signs in their yard that prohibit your dog from just doing what your dog's got to do, right? I don't know which one is worse. But here's the deal. We're talking about all of it. So if you want someone to hear you, if you want a second opinion, if you want to know if you're crazy or the people around you aren't hearing the world so clearly, give me a call. The advice will be worth what you pay for it.

I'm here to walk with you. Call me at 1-844-693-3291. That is 1-844-693-3291. Or email me at askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. That at askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. That's askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. Leave your number, leave your name, and give me some insight as to what's going on in your life. And Kelly Daniel will check the emails out and she will get in touch with you for being a part of this awesome show. I want to just take a moment and just tell everybody we are – the first week has launched and wherever this falls, wherever this particular episode falls in the queue, I just want

to tell you, man, it has blown out of the gate. It's blown everybody's thoughts away from what we thought this thing was going to be. It's been way bigger. It's done way better. Your comments have been wonderful. The subscription rates have been high. So I just want to take a moment and thank every single person who's listened, who has given us these great reviews on the podcast. Thank you so much. And we look forward to 10 or 20 more years. Yeah, and the YouTube folks. You guys came over with us from what our other YouTube show was, and I'm just so grateful.

So it's kind of blown my mind a little bit. And so let's go directly from there to the phones. Let's talk to Katie in my home state of Texas. Katie, how are you? I'm doing all right. John, how are you? I am doing all right as well. So what can I do to help, Katie?

So I had to report a coworker to HR because of a safety concern. And due to the nature of the report, as well as I know he has some mental health issues, I think he's going to know I'm the one who reported him. And I wondered if you had any advice for if slash when he confronts me. So what was the nature of what you had to report? So he has some violent tendencies in his past and he asked me how to find a firearm. Ah, okay. So let me back up. So wouldn't you say violent tendencies in his past? Tell me about that. Self-harm. I know he's had some suicide attempts. Okay. And when he asked you about the gun,

tell me about that conversation. So it's sort of an open secret. In my field, I am one of a very few number of conservative people. And so it's kind of an open secret in my office that I have a license to carry. You're in Texas. I thought that came with your birth certificate, right? You would think, but no. Okay. So he had come to me, and he knows he can't legally attain a firearm due to some involuntary hospitalizations.

And so he asked, hey, do you know how I could get around these rules to get a firearm? And that panicked me a little bit in the moment. And so then you took that information and reported that request to HR? What happened next? To ask for intervention. So I reported it to my supervisor and we went to HR together. HR interviewed me and then I will not probably get an update about his situation, but I do know that they went to his boss to say, hey, this is happening. Okay.

So there's a couple of thoughts I have just off the top of my head here, and this is a new one for me. So I'm just going to work through it out loud here with you on the line and in front of the live audience here. So the first thing I would think is it feels like a leap to me that someone has some issues in the past, and they come to somebody who's a legal gun owner and says, hey, how could I – I know I've got these challenges. How could I get around that? So if they said, I want to get around that because I want to hurt myself or I've got – somebody's going to have to pay.

I really need to get a gun. That would, for lack of better terms, that would trigger my alarms, right? But the one plus one doesn't always equal two there for me. The second thing is I'm trying to think through an employment situation where necessarily would invoke a violation of any sort of work policy or that I'd need to sit down and have a conversation. I might take a duly noted, like, hmm, all right, thanks for letting me know that. I'll keep an extra eye out maybe or something like that. But none of those things that you're telling me would suggest, whoa, we need to stop the presses and bring that person in unless there was some other concerns that the workplace knew about. Well, he had told me previously about having fantasies of shooting a place up.

Ah, so then you lay that one out there. Good God almighty, Katie. Next time, lead with that one. Okay. So, yes. Yeah, that changes all of it um yes good call so you definitely needed to go to your bosses on that so now you've got somebody who's got previous suicide attempts who um has violent past who has told you you know i'm having some fantasy about shooting the place up and then

comes to you and says hey how can i illegally obtain a gun, right? Now that is one plus one plus one equals three. You definitely did the right thing there. So it sounds like this person trusts you. Would that be fair or not fair? I think so, yes. When you hear the word trust, there's a little bit of hesitation there. Tell me about that. So I personally, I have my own, have had my own mental health issues. I go to a counselor, I have depression, but I don't really encourage his sharing with me just because sometimes I find it to be a little uncomfortable. But since I reported him and everything, he has shut down communication with pretty much all the coworkers.

Nobody has really talked to him. So I think he did trust me. Okay. Is there a chance that somebody else reported him? I'm not sure. Okay. So here's what I would recommend you do if you feel safe. All right.

All of this, what I'm going to tell you is the contingent on you feeling safe. And that is I think I'm a big believer that people deserve an opportunity to have a conversation when they push past somebody's boundaries. And this push past your boundary of comfortability, right? He told you something that, man, I wish, number one, it was not by your hand, but it's in your lap. He just dropped something on you. Now you've got to go deal with it, right? Number two, it involves a violation of a relational contract that y'all had. And it's not a written contract, but it's one that's just professional. You don't talk about shooting up the workplace with your coworkers. And then you don't follow that up with, hey, you know how I can illegally obtain a firearm. So if this is me, I am going to sit down and let him know. I'd have a conversation with him if you felt safe and say,

hey, listen, man, you put me in a position. I just want you to know that I felt uncomfortable. I didn't know what to do. And so I went and let my supervisor know. And so they might talk to you about it. I want you to know, like, I'm not cool with you talking about bringing guns into work. I'm not a person. Like, I'm a legal firearm holder, not an illegal firearm carrier. And I'm not that person. And I would suggest that the relational breach is on him,

not on you. Does that make sense? Yes. When I say that you need to have a conversation with him, that's the, that's the, what I would say is the responsible, dignified way to handle this. The, the, for lack of a terms, the grownup way. How does that make you feel? A little anxious. I don't love confrontation, which is probably why I took it to my supervisor in the first place. You bet. But since we are all working from home, it would be a little easier to do. Ah, okay, okay. So that would alleviate some of the confrontation there. Here's the reality is if you think he already knows it's you, and there's already been a breach of that relationship from him to you, I think the adult grown-up thing to do is

to let him know, hey, I'm going to have to report this. I had similar conversations with coworkers, not anywhere near people wanting to shoot up the building, but I had some challenges at my workplace, at my previous workplace, at my previous workplace before that. I've had challenges here at Ramsey Solutions. People have had challenges with me, and they will pull me in a room and say, hey, man, like what you said in this meeting wasn't cool. And I'm going to have to let somebody know I didn't like that. And I say, cool, thank you for letting me know that. And I've done the same thing.

And so I think that's – my hope is that we could lean towards that's the way grownups and adults interact with one another. Also with an important caveat that there is a extra layer of fear and trepidation when someone says, hey, I'm considering shooting up the workplace or I have fantasies about it. How do I get an illegal gun? So I want you to be very smart and intentional about making sure you feel safe and this is a safe context. But at the end of the day, if the conversation has been had, the conversation has been had. I would also recommend, Katie, role play this with your therapist. You have a counselor that you can ask her or him to pretend, hey, pretend you're my coworker and I want to sit down and have this pretend conversation. It's a great place. Counseling can be a great place where you can

practice social interactions that are going to be awkward, are going to be challenging, going to be hard in the future. And so that may be a great way to role play this. So thank you for that call. That's a fascinating one, Katie. I haven't thought about that. And I also know that I answer a lot of those questions. I'm a big guy. I'm a big guy. If you're watching this on YouTube, you can clearly see that I'm super jacked, particularly in my upper body. My arms are massive, and they're absolutely not at all. But I understand that I have some of those conversations out of privilege. I'm not worried about my physical safety, and so I don't mind pulling somebody aside.

That's very different if you're a 5'2 female in an office space somewhere or if you've got somebody who physically is threatening you. So I get the privilege of me just saying, hey, I'm just going to talk to him. But I do want us all to lean more towards, man, how do we have hard conversations with people in our offices? How do we have hard conversations with our loved ones? Let's start there and say, hey, this is a violation of any part of our relationship. I don't like that you put me in this position. Not cool, man. But thanks for the call, Katie. That was a good one. So I want to rotate here to an email that I got the other day.

This is from Susie. It says, my name is Susie, and I'm 26 years old. I've paid off all my debt, and I know that I'm crushing it financially. However, I'm struggling with contentment. I'm always making goals for myself, always on to the next thing. And to be honest, it's exhausting and annoying that I can't just enjoy where I'm at and what I've accomplished at such a young age. Do you have any advice on how to slow down and recognize my accomplishments? Man, Susie, you've heard me talk about this before. This is one of the great curses of our time, which is we have been trained since we

were little. It used to just be boys, and now girls have been lumped in this too, where we are not defined by our innate dignity and value. We are not defined by relationships. We are now defined as people by what you accomplish, how much money you make, what you have in your driveway, and what you are wearing, and what your birthday party looked like for some kid on Pinterest, right? We're defined by all of these accomplishments. And so what I want to strongly encourage you to do, Susie, is to find a core group of friends, one, two, or three. And this is going to sound like I minimize it. I'm not because it's this easy and it's this hard. Find a core group of friends. You're 26. So I'm going to assume you've got some friends. I want you to sit down with them, and I want you to say,

I want to start us being vulnerable with one another, talking about the good things that are going on in our life and the bad things that are going on in our life, the hard stuff and the good stuff. There's a great philosopher that talks about we are addicted to problems. We're addicted to going at things but first, right, instead of talking about the good things that are going on in our life. And so whenever we have good things, we just brush them off as, yep. And then we go on to the next and we go on to the next. I want you to get a

group of people, be vulnerable and say, hey, we're going to celebrate the cool things that happened this week. And what you're going to find is these accomplishments in and of themselves are hollow. What's not hollow is the relational connection you have with other people who will celebrate these things with you, who will cry with you, who will come over to your house and help you move, who will be there for you when your mom passes away or your dad gets sick, who will be there for you when you have the flu and you just need some soup. Those are the things that begin to fill us up from the inside out. These accomplishments and goals are our ways of trying to make external plugs to internal holes, and it will just never work.

So Susie, the answer to your questions about relationships, start with a vulnerability group of a couple of good friends you have there in your community. Great question. I love it. Let's go back to the phones. Let's go to Aubrey in Cleveland, Ohio. What's up, Aubrey? Hey, John. Thanks for taking my call.

Thanks for calling. My husband and I had our daughter two weeks ago. After she was born, we sent out her name and information that day. And immediately, we got a text asking us to change her name from my parents. Wait, hold on. Hold on. Number one, congratulations on, hold on. Hold on. Number one, congratulations on having a baby. Everybody's healthy?

Everybody's good? Yeah, we're great. Congratulations. Big time. That's awesome. Number two, what? You got a text saying, change the name, please? Yeah, well, it's because her grandmother, my mom's grandmother was evil, and that was her first name, which we didn't know it was her first name.

Everyone called her by her middle name, but it was the same as our daughters. And then the next day, my parents called and said that if we kept the name, my mom had too much trauma to even be near the child. And she didn't know how she couldn't hurt the child if she was around it. Oh, good Lord, God Almighty. What? Yeah. So my mom and my younger sister now don't want a relationship because I wasn't willing to change the name because I'm hurting my mom. And so my husband and I, we want to know, did we do the right thing? How do we create boundaries or gain closure from not having them in our lives? And then how do I save the relationship with my little sister?

Aubrey, listen. I need you to hear something that's happening right now. There are very few moments in my life when I am speechless. When I am just sitting there with my mouth agape, wondering what in the world is going on on planet Earth. And you have... I told someone the other day, I think I've seen it all. And you have just dropped a new one on me. So congratulations, Aubrey. This is a big day for me as a person. This should be a big day for you. So you and your husband should go out and celebrate just the fact that you shut me up for a second. So way to go. Number one, first and foremost foremost you can name your baby truck driving binoculars for all i care

you can name your baby i i mean you can name your baby mars i think didn't elon musk name his baby like a bunch of like consonants and letters and symbols or whatever dude aubrey you and your husband can name your baby whatever you want end of story closed close that fence okay number two what I've got to know what evil means was your grandma abusive was she a murderer was she a witch like what what was she what does that mean evil or was she just like you know said mean things or? What does that mean, evil? Or was she just like, you know, said mean things or something? What does evil mean? Yeah, I think what we've heard just from the stories is that she was manipulative and controlling and sometimes emotionally abusive. But we didn't really hear a lot of stories about her. Again, if my mom called me.

Okay, so my daughter's name is Josephine. If my mom called me and okay, so my daughter's name is Josephine. If my mom called me and said, hey, John, listen – and by the way, you don't send a text with this type of request. You have a human conversation. So my mom called me and said, hey, listen, you don't know this, but your great-grandma was somebody who murdered children. That's just what she did. She had a hatchet, and she liked to go murder children, and her name was Josephine. And we were trying to remove that name from our family tree. Then I would say, good Lord, mom, thank you for telling me. And I would sit down with my wife and we would have that conversation. If my mom said, hey, I had a great grandma and that lady was manipulative and mean, and I don't like that name. You're not allowed to have that. And she sent that to me in a text. I would say, well, the name of our

child is Josephine. That's going to be our name. So that brings me to the second part. Here's the deal. You can't control your mom. You can't control your sister. And I hate that for you, that out of nowhere, this type of boundary violation has popped up, but there's not a lot you can do to control that type of external manipulation. My guess, Aubrey, tell me if I'm wrong here, is there's other cracks in that dam. Is that fair? Yeah. Tell me some other things that have made you uncomfortable relationally with your mom in recent past or in the very past. I got divorced before I married my husband the second time, and she stopped talking to me for two years over that.

Yep. And she came back? Yeah. Okay. What about, give me another one before that. So I have, there's four of us, and when my brother had his child out of wedlock and then my sister had his, her child out of wedlock, she also stopped talking to them for a few years. There you go.

I think it's a pattern of behavior for her, but the whole her threatening to hurt a child, just, we can not get over that. Hopefully you will never get over somebody threatening to hurt your child. And moving forward, you've got a mom who uses her relationship as a weapon, right? And the only way to deal with somebody like that is to completely disengage, and they don't get a role in your life. Number two, somebody threatens to hurt your child, then that's when you let them know I'm going to contact the police if I ever hear that nonsense again. You're not welcome around my child. Period. End of story. If in the future, which she will, she will come back and she will recognize that that sort of weaponry doesn't work with you.

If she wants to take her relational ball and go home in a huff and puff like my four-year-old daughter does. I'm taking my doll and I'm leaving. She wants to do that. She will recognize in short order, whether it's a year or two years or four months or whatever, that that kind of nonsense doesn't work with you, that you and your husband are tight and you have a great relationship. You're going to be a great mom and you're all moving forward together. And if that doesn't work, that she will come back and circle up. And at that point, you're going to need to revisit strongly and very, very directly, Aubrey, this idea of you threatened my child. And I need to know what you meant by that. I need to make sure that there is very clear boundaries between when you are going to be with my child and that you and or your husband will be in that room. And any sort of hint at all about anything, it's call the police.

Period. End of story. I don't care if she's your mom. I don't care if she's your sister. I don't care if she's your grandma. I don't care if whatever, right? That's a no. No one crosses that barrier ever. As it comes to your sister, tell me about that relationship.

It's actually pretty strong. I mean, I took care of my sister while my dad was in Iraq. And we hang out quite a bit. So I'm just shocked that she would take my mom's side and be okay. That she's okay with changing the name to just make mom happy. Yeah. Those kind of relational dynamics, particularly with manipulative people, people are manipulative in that way, like your mom is being, because it works sometimes.

And there may be some kind of big hook, small hook, giant hook, sharp hook in your sister in this little season she's in. And I wouldn't lose a lot of sleep over that. My guess is she'll circle back because she knows that you love her. She knows that you care about her. And she knows that you've been there for her and you will continue to be there for her. I would leave an open door with my sister and let her know that, hey, I love you. My husband and I are sticking to this name, but I love you. And I'd continue to reach out to her with some regularity. But again, at the end of the day, as hurtful as this is, she can choose to not be in a relationship with you. She can choose to distance herself and walk away from you even over something as small and silly as this.

And when she does, she does, right? And that's going to hurt you, and you'll need to grieve that separation or that loss with your husband or with a group of friends because that's going to suck. But my guess is she's going to circle back. And probably she's learned some of her relational behavior from your mom, right? And she learns that I can weaponize myself and get people to do what I want when I tell them that I'm just going to disappear. People will jump sometimes. And so that's what she's got.

She's practicing that on you. And I would keep strong on your boundaries. How's your new marriage? How do you like? You like this guy? I love him. He's my best friend. He's awesome?

Yeah. Do you guys have a good crew around you? Do you like this guy? I love him. He's my best friend. He's awesome? Yeah. Do you guys have a good crew around you? Do you all have good friends? Do you have people who showed up to the hospital to see this beautiful new baby? Yeah, they came over afterwards because the hospital wouldn't let them in, but yeah. Yeah, COVID nonsense. Do you have like a church group or a softball group or some friends there in your community? Yes.

Good. So I am big on family. I am big on reconciliation. I'm also real big on boundaries. And right now you guys have drawn the appropriate boundaries and you have a group around you. So you're not isolated and alone out on an island with this awesome guy, which probably wouldn't be so bad. He sounds like a great dude. But, man, God bless you. God bless you, Aubrey. Uh, go forward and be strong. Keep those connections with your friends and your community. Continue to nurture

that relationship. And you've got a two week old, beautiful little baby. Um, man, cherish every weird, uncomfortable second with that new baby. And when you get exhausted, make sure that that awesome husband of yours is there to pick up the slack too. Y'all work together on that. Congratulations moving forward. I hate that you didn't have everyone rally around you to celebrate this awesome moment, but it is what it is what it is. Thanks for the call and congratulations. You are the first.

I need to start keeping track of these things, man. You're the first person to completely stump me for a second there. I liked it. So I want to go back. Before I leave, before we wrap the show up today, I got an email from Taylor, but I got a bunch of emails on this question, which is, how do I find a good therapist? What are the red flags that I should look for?

I typed up some notes here just thinking through what people should look for in a counselor, why counseling, all that. So I want to run through a couple of these real quick. And if you have more questions about seeing a counselor, am I seeing the right one? What is the best modality? What are things you like? All that kind of stuff. Shoot me an email at askjohn at ramseysolutions.com and I'll continue to dig into this. One of my dreams here that we're working on as we speak is building a network of preferred counselors throughout the country, both in person and digital and via Zoom or Skype. And so I want to know what you're thinking about counselors, good experiences, bad experiences. Let me know everything you've experienced with counseling.

Again, at AskJohn at RamseySolutions.com. Just put in the headline, experience with counselors or questions about therapists. That would help us as we begin to build out this network. So here's the deal. What is counseling? At the end of the day, counseling is just a professional helping relationship. That's it. Like you go see a plumber for professional help with plumbing, a counselor or a therapist or a psychologist, used to be psychiatrists. Most psychiatrists now are

medicine dispensers. There are still some great ones left there, but they're professional helpers, marriage and family therapists, clinical social workers. A good counselor is not your friend. They are not your buddy. They are not a future romantic partner, and their job is not always to make you feel good. Hear me say that. Counseling will be uncomfortable if it's done right. It will challenge you if it's done right. A counselor's job is to walk alongside you and help gently point you to other directions that you may not have considered walking in because whatever's not working in your life could be better on the other side of a different road, of a different avenue, on a different bridge, whatever that may look like. They help you see challenges that you might have missed or that you are avoiding. Another thing a counselor does, they reflect back to you the way they experience you

in a session. This is often how you interact with the outside world. One of my favorite therapy instructors ever is Irvin Yalom, and he talks about everything in a session is data. And so if I find myself as a counselor after the session three and you start talking and I'm like, oh my gosh, this is getting boring. That's an important moment for a therapist to reflect back. Do you bore the people in your life? Is it hard for people to be around you? Do they get frustrated with you because you talk low and low energy and you kind of are Eeyore and you bring a room down, right?

So everything is data. So a counselor is going to reflect back to you. Or do you bring sexual energy to everything? Do you bring this fake excitement to everything? Do you talk so, so, so, so, so, so, so much? A counselor is going to reflect back to you the way they experience you in a session. And that's going to lead me to the next thing. They should then teach you new skills on how to relate to the outside world. Because most everything, every challenge you have, mental health challenges, personal challenges, personal development issues, problems at work, problems with bosses, come back to broken or hurting or fractured relationships.

And so a good counselor is going to teach you how to interact in relationship, teach you how to interact with the outside world as a series of steps. A counselor should also call you on your BS when they're teaching you these skills, right? They should tell you that's not factual. That's not how that works. They should, you should have a good enough rapport that you trust them enough to be honest with you. If you cannot hear honest feedback, let your counselor know that and they'll work with you. I subscribe to Terry Real's idea. He's one of the most extraordinary relationship therapists in the world, that a counselor should not always be neutral. They should tell you the truth. If you go in with a couple, the counselor should be able to say, hey, husband, you're being an idiot right now.

Hey, wife, you are using a one-down position to drag – use your power to drag down this whole relationship into a landmines, right? I do think there's moments when counselors should not be neutral and they should tell you the truth and lean in against you if they need to. Here's some important things about counseling. Go three or four sessions before you bail. Don't just go one and be like, I didn't like them. They're weird. They're annoying. Don't go two and say nothing's happening yet. Don't just stop going. Session three and four is often when things start to turn, when things start to click. When should you go to counseling? I recommend that everyone can benefit from a neutral third

party in their life. I just think they can. A mentor, a guide, someone that you totally trust who will help you, someone you can be totally vulnerable with. This could be a counselor, a mentor, a support group. Like I said, counselors are professionals, right? If I've got a plumbing issue, I've got some buddies that know how to do some minor plumbing. They can come help me put in a sprinkler line or something. If I need to fix my sewer main, I'm going to call a professional. I don't want to deal with it. I'm going to pay the money. I'm going to get the warranty on it. That's what I'm talking about going to see a counselor. If you're struggling with like, hey, my wife and I had a fight last night. Man, call somebody that

you trust. Go have coffee. I'll process it out. And if they're a trustworthy, good friend you can be vulnerable with, man, have that conversation. If it's deeper than that, call a professional. One of my mentors, Dr. Aretha Marbley and Dr. Brett Hendricks, two important people in my life, said that most people wait to go to counseling until there's a crisis. Don't wait until a house is on fire before you go check things out. One of them suggested most people will wait to go to counseling until there's a crisis is similar to waiting until you have the flu to start a workout program. That's the worst time. If things are going pretty good, that's a good time when you're healthy, you're feeling right. Go see somebody then, right?

I think everyone thinking about getting married or having a long-term partnership with somebody should engage in counseling. Just having somebody else talk about questions that you haven't even thought about yet. If you have major trauma that you're having trouble processing, go see somebody. Not everyone who has a tragedy needs a therapist. I hear that all the time. Hey, my son or daughter had somebody die in their classroom in middle school. I need to get them to a counselor, right? Not necessarily. Not necessarily. One of the rules of trauma response is most people don't need you most of the time when they're talking about a crisis responder

or a therapist. But sometimes they do. If you find yourself unable to sleep, unable to grieve, you find yourself withdrawing and alone, you realize that Netflix is much more likely to hang out with Netflix than you are with the people that you love, a counselor could be a great blessing there. Things to watch out for. You should not be in counseling forever. A counselor's job is to walk alongside you, help you, and send you on your way. Both folks that I have met with for any length of time, the first thing they told me in the session was my job is to work myself out of a job with you.

And that's how I knew I got the right person. I got the right person there. I am a big believer outside of you have to do this for insurance purposes. And that's a whole other conversation we can have someday. I don't like diagnosis in the first session. They don't know you. They haven't experienced you. I don't even like them in the first few sessions because what presents as a quote unquote diagnosis tends to be an ecosystem issue. It tends to be a giant process issue outside of a very few like bipolar disorder or schizophrenia or major depressive disorder,

some of these big ones. If they are a jerk, walk out the door. Counseling is about the relationship, period, right? If you aren't gelling after three or four sessions, let them know, hey, this relationship isn't working for me. They should have big boy girl in pants and say, cool, thank you for letting me know. And then go find somebody else, right? A trained therapist should not ask you to dig into the details of your trauma in the first session either. You should work into that over several sessions after you two have discussed a safety plan, how you will cope, etc. Last thing is where do you find a counselor? They're everywhere. They're online.

Local college towns have interns. Ask a friend. Churches often have free counselors. Community counseling centers have free or low-cost individual family counseling. And then there's just websites in your local community. There are, I don't know, like referrals for Yelp. And I mean, counselors are everywhere, particularly since COVID. Since COVID launched, there have been way more counselors who put their practices online

and really have people in rural communities can see therapists now. It's just kind of spread out. So that's some thoughts on counseling, how to find a therapist, what's a good therapist, when to leave therapy. If you've got more questions, again, email me at askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. And so as we wrap up the show today, I'm going to pull up the lyric of the day here. We're a couple of shows in now, right? We're a couple of shows in, and I've been vulnerable with you. I've shown you my heart. I've told you about some of the greatest performers of all time, but this is really the one. This is the one that when people say, Deloney, what's the greatest song ever written? What's the greatest songwriter of all time? I smile. My eyes glisten, I'll get a tear. I have those occasionally, I'll get a tear and

I'll think back to the 1973 album. I can't really think back, that was before I was born, but I go back to this 1973 album that I heard later on in my life. And I think about this guy named Bill, his friends called him Billy, and he had two first names as a first name and last name, Mr. Billy Joel, in his classic 1973 song, Piano Man, where he says, Son, can you play me a memory? I'm not really sure how it goes, but it's sad and it's sweet. And I knew it complete when I wore a younger man's clothes. And the waitress is practicing politics and the businessman slowly gets stoned.

Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone. Sing us a song, you're the piano man. Sing us a song tonight. We're all in the mood for our melody and you've got us feeling all right. This is the Dr. John Deloney Show. you