The Dr. John Delony Show - How to Talk to Kids About Body Image

Episode Date: July 21, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   How do I talk to my daughter about body image? I'm struggling with postpartum depression and struggling to connect with my first-responder husband Email: What is the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum? Lyrics of the Day: "Can't Touch This" - MC Hammer   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: fitness/physical health, parenting, kids, nutrition, boundaries, family, disagreement/conflict, anxiety, depression, marriage, trauma/PTSD   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.`

On today's show, we talk to a young mom who's trying to figure out how to communicate weight and body image and food challenges to her young daughter. We talk to a wife who's struggling to connect with her first responder husband. We talk about the differences between boundaries and ultimatums. Stay tuned. Yo, yo, yo. This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad you joined us.

Taking real calls from real people about your life, your mental health, your relationships, your kids. That trauma. Good stuff. Tough stuff, all of it. Thank you so much for joining us. We're so glad you're here. If you want to be on the show, if you've recognized, man, life got sideways on you and you got nobody else to call, give us a shout at 1-844-693-3291.

It's 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Or you can go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Fill out the form. If you call us, leave a message. Leave a detailed message, like it's 1985, and you got an answering machine. Leave a message at the beep, and let us know what's going on, and we will try to get you on the show. We've got we've got callers from all over planet earth we get letters and cards and notes from all over creation it's

exciting it's awesome join us on the show it'd be fantastic hey we got a whole crew in there man so we got a bunch of people pinch hitting this morning we've had all kinds of wildness in people's lives personal lives and so we would appreciate your prayers and your thoughts for folks, but we have a whole booth. We got 50 people back there. It's awesome, so I'm waving at everybody. It's good to see everybody. The original OG mentor of mine, Bob, the radio, I can't call you radio god because it's probably not a nice way to say it but did i tell you i was getting my haircut the other day bob and all like i kept hearing your voice but i thought it was in my head and it wasn't it was you were i was listening they were playing this radio station in the place where i was getting my haircut and your voice it was giving me peace in my soul man oh you're so good

to me listen to that voice can. You're so good to me. Can you just tell me something? Tell me just a piece of good news. The good news is that we're going to be okay. Listen to that voice, everybody. Our God is taking care of us, and we can trust in him, because even if he doesn't deliver us from the fire, we're still going to trust him, and he's still God. Listen to that.

Can you tell me something negative in that voice oh uh it's not gonna get us canceled no no no you uh you took my notebook off my desk i've been trained over a number of years to find people like you if you don't bring it back i I will find you, and I will kill you. Now listen, when I didn't know what was happening in the radio world, that was the guy being like, okay, um,

so I wouldn't say it like that. Let's try it this way. The most positive, so hey, I'm so glad everybody's back there. Caitlin, Ben, everybody, man, engineers, everybody's hanging out. So it's so good to have everybody. All right,

let's get to the phones. Let's go to Meg in Pensacola. Hey Meg, what's going on? Hey, I'm so happy to talk to you. And I just want you to know that whatever chaos y'all are dealing with there today,

it really put me at ease to hear it happening in the background. Thank you. Meg, listen, the me at ease to hear it happening in the background. Thank you. Meg, listen. What you guys hear, what you hear on a finished podcast is so thoroughly edited. I'm like a terrible driver. They'll send me driving for

two and a half hours, and then they will snip like 11 minutes of that drive and make it look like everybody's having a peaceful time in the car. I'm not a great driver. So listen, we're all having a rough go of it. So it's good to talk to you. So what's up, man? How can I help? So my question is, at its core, should I be doing more to protect my young daughter from unhealthy ideas about food and body image? Or maybe is this something where I'm kind of overreacting because of my own history with body insecurity? Whoa, say, hey, hold on.

I've got a young daughter. I've got my own body dysmorphia issues. I've got my own. Man, you are reading my mail on this one. So, um, walk me, walk me through, tell me, tell me about your journey here. Tell me what's going on. I know this is probably got a specific issue you're dealing with. Yeah. So I have a two-year-old daughter, so she's very young. Um, and the context is my husband and I moved back up to live close to my family last year. And we embarked on this crazy journey of buying a house

and remodeling it while we're living in it because we're nuts. So while we're doing that, my family has very kindly stepped in to help us with childcare. So right now, my grandmothers are basically providing day-to-day care for my daughter. And I work remotely. So I go with her to their house every day while they babysit. So that's kind of the situation that we're in. But the background is that I've struggled with body image issues as long as I can remember. I think I started dieting when I was 11 or 12. Who gave you that message? So it's very much part of the kind of like women in my family. There's one of my grandmothers in particular that I would kind of label like the matriarch of our family

has a very strong voice when it comes to, um, what fatness means and what certain foods are about, like the morality of, of how you eat foods being good bad, and people being good and bad as a result of what they eat. Right. So that was a big trope. And I have some really vivid memories of being a kid and it just like, it hitting home. Like, I remember sitting in a Captain D's, like eating, you know, like fried fish and French fries, as you do. And my grandmother pointing out a person across the way who was really heavy

and basically commenting on how disgusting it was to watch them eat when they were eating the same food that I was eating. And then like in the second breath, like telling me to go get a refill of my Coke, you know, to get my money's worth. So just that kind of, that kind of contradictory message about food, where food is something that, that we, you know, my family uses to love people with, you know, we, they, they want to cook for you. They want to bake for you. Um, that's how we show love and how we celebrate things, but it's also how we, we punish ourselves, I think, and how we, um, you know, it, it sort of has become like a moral code. You know, you, you express your ability to like your self-control by not eating certain things.

So I just want to stop you there. You just articulated, I think, one of the great mysteries slash great challenges of our time. And we've watched it with COVID. We've watched it with weight issues. We've watched it with health issues. We watched it with religious and morality issues, which is how do you hold on to something that has hurt or damaged people and not throw the whole thing away at the same time.

Right? Exactly. How to not go to war with it. So the irony of sitting in a Captain D's, which, man, I can get sideways in a Captain D's, but there is no vegetarian or keto version of Captain D's. You go to Captain D's to destroy your soul, right? That's why you go there. Absolutely. And when you're in there, you know, what you're doing isn't great.

And so instantly your body goes to war to make sure you can feel safe in that environment. And so you have to point out others, right? You got to point out thems and you've got to create a space between you and them. You know, what you're doing is is stupid but at least it's not that right and we do that everywhere so it sounds like your grandmother is dealing with her own demons all the time and she does what we all do which is make sure she can have some psychological space between her and everybody else and how you do that you teach your kids and you teach your grandkids right that they whoever they is is not us right man that's hard and now you're what you're watching it happen to your

two-year-old yeah kind of so i'm starting to see um you know because i'm actually in the house where where you know she's being taken care of and i don't want to like pinpoint this one grandmother no hey it's a cultural idea. Let me tell you this. Let me tell you this. And one of my favorite, most extraordinary people in my life was my grandmother. On her, literally on her deathbed, she is taking her last breaths, right? In a bed that she got in a hospital and never came out of. Yeah.

She had lost her sight. She was in constant pain, and I went to visit her, and she was a hilarious lady, always telling jokes, always clowning on people. It's where I got my sense. She's a riot. But I'm holding her hand. She's looking up.

I'll never forget this, and she said, Hey, I know you can't see me under this sheet i haven't weighed this this i haven't had this weight since high school oh my god you know what i mean in that that machine that engine was still running like yeah hey i'm i'm my body's wasting away but man you should see the number on that scale. Right. So it's not your grandmother. It is in the air we breathe. Right. I can work out like crazy, do all the right things. And then I walk by the mirror and I'm like, really? You know what I mean? Yeah. And so, yeah, I'm with you a%. So absolutely not on your grandmother. But at the same time, how do we not let our kids breathe this poisonous air and at the same time be grateful, which I'm grateful for. And so, you know, I love her. I'm grateful for her.

But I'll hear bits and pieces of things that remind me of, like, all the stuff that I've spent the last, you know, I don't know, however many years, picking apart and trying to, like, reconcile with, you know, being spoken to my daughter. Give me an example of that so something like um so so this is she was actually talking to me but my daughter was in the room so one day uh she brought lunch for us and she made a cobbler and i don't mean she didn't make me like a ramekin of cobbler she made an entire sheet pan of coffee like a bathtub yeah that's right yeah as you should make cobblers but go ahead as one one does, right. And she said, all right, now, you know, you have to take this home with you today. And I said, oh, man, I really don't need to take it home.

And she said, yes, you have to. And I said, no, ma'am, you know, I really shouldn't have that much sugar. And she looked at me and said, well, you're just going to have to learn some self-discipline. And she was giving me this cobbler. And my daughter's sitting there eating, you know, in her high chair. And I know that she's not reading the subtext of that yet. But, you know, things like. So here's what your daughter's reading.

Okay. And this is, I think this is the way forward for you here. Okay. Your daughter, you're right, is not picking up. She'll hear the word self-discipline. She'll absorb that. Right. And there's a consequence to that.

And there's actually some truth to that. And that's where this whole thing gets so messy. There is some self-discipline. She'll absorb that, right? And there's a consequence to that. And there's actually some truth to that. And that's where this whole thing gets so messy. There is some self-discipline. And how do you balance self-discipline with hospitality and with morality and values? All of that gets messy. What your daughter's going to absorb literally into her gene expression, literally into her physiology and chemistry. Is the tension, is the mom's whole essence, energy, everything about mom just got tense when she held this cobbler.

Everything got tense in this relationship between grandmother and my mom. Does that make sense? That's what she'll absorb. And then what will happen is she will begin to create her own narratives as to why there is tension, right? Some of it will be clear to her because it's about food. Some of it will be clear to her about A and B and C, and then some of it she'll just make up, right? So when you've got a two-year-old who's just eating and being fed, great. If you hear your grandmother, which she probably won't tell a two-year-old,

honey, I'm going to put a pizza there on the floor. We don't eat pizza, right? She's not going to do that to a two-year-old. So some of this you're going to have to recognize is your demons that you're bringing to this conversation. Right? Some of this is, and that's where you've got to make sure that you're not passing that on to your daughter your angst through grandmother right some of this is going to be you say hey thank you for this cobbler thanks and you take it because how old your grandmother 70 80 right um we're not going to go to war over this i'm gonna take the collar i'm gonna put in the trash

i'm not gonna eat it right i will show you self i'll show you self-discipline i'm gonna take the collar i'm gonna put in the trash i'm not gonna eat it right i will show you self i'll show you self-discipline i'm gonna take it out and put in the garbage right yeah and we're not gonna have any more conversations about it if that's this is gonna sound weird if that's the way to to show your grandmother respect in a moment and also uphold your values and what you know to be right about the way you need to sleep and take care of your body so be it right yeah and if she comes back and says oh two weeks, did you eat that whole cobbler? You can say, no, ma'am, I couldn't finish that whole cobbler. Like, I've got to have self-discipline. And then the conversation's over.

She doesn't have to know that discipline for you meant putting it in the trash, right? So you do the things that keep you well and those things. Some would call that peacekeeping, and that's a whole other conversation right um i call that just being respectful right so if my grandmother let's say made a joke about those guys that drink beer like well it's just those trashy guys that drink beer i might just smile i might say grandmother it's not because of the beer i'm not gonna then launch into a tirade about how i don't think drinking beer is bad and I have beer with my – does that make sense? So there's just those boundaries, right? I think for you, the biggest impact you can make on your daughter is how you interact with food, how you interact with her, how you interact with self-discipline in your home when it's y'all two.

Does that make sense? Yeah. And that's going to be hard because my guess is you're still healing. I still am healing. Most of the people who have had challenges with food, with body image are on a forever healing journey. Does that make sense? Totally. And then I'll tell you this one hard boundary. There is going to come a season when your grandmother is going to say something that you got to step in on with your kid when it comes to food, when it comes to body image. You're going to have to step in on that. And that may mean you end up with different child care.

And so to answer your original, original question, yeah, there may come a moment. And I think it's important for you and your husband to have those boundaries pre-established because it's real easy for them to go one way or the other where you get super militant over things that aren't that big a deal stuff is triggering you from your childhood and where you just kind of let the next thing go and the next thing go and the next thing go right and then it hasn't come out yet but a show's gonna come out my son is is was with a couple of friends in a drive-thru a dad took them all to a baseball game was incredible and my son was in a drive-thru and he took him to McDonald's. And then that night, I didn't know that. That night, I said, hey man, what'd you have for dinner? And he said, oh, nothing. I just had a couple of French fries. I was like, why? Y'all didn't eat? I gave you some money. And he said, yeah,

but we went to McDonald's and I just, I told him I just couldn't support that. And I was like, dude, have a burger, man. You're out with your buddy. You know what I mean? And so that told me I've hit the pendulum too far, right? That's crazy. And so all that to say is that's my stuff that now I'm passing along to him, right? Right.

And so it's just finding that sweet balance. I think the most important thing is to have that conversation with your husband, with yourself, with a counselor outside of this home. So you know where your boundaries are and then know, this is when I'm bringing drama on to my family. That is my own stuff. And this is when I really need to step in. And that line is just unfortunately different for everybody. Yeah. But I do love, love, love that you're looking out for your daughter. The bigger thing is going to be, in my opinion, maybe I'm crazy. The bigger opinion for me is going to be media consumption. What are these pictures? What are these images that are going to communicate to my daughter what beauty is, what beauty is not?

Are they going to hear language like, oh, that person's less than, that person disgusts me? Those are the kind of things that deeply imprint and deeply wire into a child, right? Yeah. And those are the things to be careful of. If you hear that kind of nonsense at a table, that's when, like when you're out to dinner, I will, and I have, said, hey, uh-uh, we're not going to do that. And I've overrode those kind of comments with family members, with people I love. Because they're not trying to be ugly. This just becomes jokes and silly, and we're just being fun.

I'm just poking around. And I need everybody to make sure, uh-uh. And I'm communicating to my kid. Sometimes people are going to say things that are going to hurt your feelings or that are going to be inappropriate. And here's how you stand up to that. Gently, respectfully, but directly too, right? And you're getting free childcare.

And I know that makes this whole thing super, super messy. Super messy. It's hard to put a price on your values. It's hard to put a price on your morality. And I know that makes this whole thing so complicated. Rest assured you're a good mom. I'm so, I'm just proud of you for even having the thoughts in the conversation.

Sometimes self-discipline looks like smiling and saying thank you and then putting in the trash. That's so messy. All right, let's take the next call. Let's go to Jamie in Atlanta. Hey, Jamie, what's up? Hey, how are you doing? Rocking on to the break of dawn how are you i'm doing all right um i'll try to get to the point of my question it's kind of a long one um i feel like i'm probably dealing with some postpartum depression and anxiety um and my husband's a firefighter paramedic but he works 24-hour shifts and is gone, does it every three days. So I'm kind of left with the two kids.

And sometimes I feel like I've just kind of silently been struggling with it and haven't really wanted to talk to him about it because, you know, he deals with a lot of stuff too. Our kids have been constantly sick for like two months. We're talking, you know, going to urgent care at least once a week, it feels like going to the doctor. So things like that. So a lot of that's kind of fallen on me. And it's not like it's his fault or anything like that. It's just, it just more so falls on me. Um, and then here recently, um, he ran a very traumatic call that hit very close to home.

And just as I kind of felt like I was ready to talk about how I was kind of drowning, you know, at home with the kids, he goes through this. And, you know, he is always pretty good about, you know, tough calls. He can kind of put it in the backseat, if you will. He's followed away. Hey, Jamie, talk directly into your mouthpiece for me. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Perfect. Excellent. Great. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Perfect. Excellent. Great. I'm sorry. And then this call, he just lost it and cried. I can literally count probably on one hand the times I've seen my husband cry. Yeah. What was the call?

I didn't know what to do. You don't have to be gratuitous but what was it a person down call okay yeah um so and i want to give away too many details but yeah that's great it's very yeah so when you say that you think you are struggling from postpartum what makes you think that because you paint here's the You may very well be, you just painted me a picture of a totally normal, completely fried and exhausted mom and wife of a first responder. Which is very, very lonely and very exhausting. And then you throw in the pandemic and, and, and, and, and ER trips, and I'm cooked.

So all of that, if you're at a point where you feel like you were standing over the precipice of a big giant hole, I would tell you you're exactly where you need to be. Like, that makes sense to me. But you may also have postpartum

on top of this. Tell me about that. Well, I mean, my baby was born in the height of the pandemic last year to the point where I almost didn't have my husband there for delivery. So he's a year old now. So, I mean, I don't know if it still could be postpartum. I know they say it's usually like birth to a year old. But, I mean, i don't know it's just just some days i listen to another podcast the girl was saying like sometimes you just don't even like your kids and that's kind of where i feel like i'm at because they're so it's just so exhausting to have everything just come at you

you know left and right. I know a lot of people my age who don't like their kids. They love them, but there's just seasons where it's like, whoa. It's like, can you please stay well, you know? Yes. Here's what I want to do. I just want to get up and go to the bathroom in a room alone and not have a trail of little ducklings be like mom hey mom mom or just scream right that so they follow you oh my gosh yes everywhere and that's this is me projecting on

to being a new mom I don't know what that's like I know when I just get home they follow me around and it's like two hours a day much less right so um so here's the thing. I don't know if I've got more personal experience slash professional experience in this one issue, this one thing, than what I'm going to describe to you right now. relationship with somebody and you are struggling and they have a profession whether it's a doctor a lawyer a preacher a first responder a cop the an hr director these day a teacher and you know they are going through hard things what makes sense logically is that I'm going to shield my stuff from them because I know they're having a hard time and I don't want to burden them with my stuff because they're having a hard time. And so what happens is, and this happens all the time, spouses end up drowning because they don't want to wave their hand in the air and let somebody know that they can't touch and they're in the water, right? And here's what happens.

The spouse is also drowning because it's not about the shared burden issue. It's about the connection issue. And so when you see a first responder get home and they just collapse in tears and you go, whoa, it's easy to see that as, oh, they're carrying so much trauma, seeing so much trauma that I can't tell them that I'm drowning too. And what I would suggest is they are, they, the cure for trauma is connection. And so there's a difference between using each other as dumpsters, right? As trash bins. You're not going to believe what happened today. Yeah. And there is something really valuable about saying, I am really hurting. How are you?

Right? Not that you're going to solve each other's problems. And what first responders, especially firemen, EMSs and cops they get home i say that doctors and lawyers do too they get home and then wife you know i'm just generalizing this wife says hey billy and tommy were the worst today well you're not asking for what to how to solve that you're just trying to connect with somebody and they respond with well you should have done this and this and right in it because they know to solve problems. That's what they do all day. And then you end up further apart than you started, right? Yeah.

So here's what I hear. I hear two people desperate to reconnect. Two little kids will drive a wedge in the tightest of relationships just because two little kids crap everywhere. And they yell all the time and they don't sleep right and taking kids in and out of the er all by yourself is a wedge between two people i don't care how tight you are and dealing with death and regimen and burning homes in car wrecks after another after another that'll drive a wedge between. And so when you've got little kids, you have to be hyper-intentional about connection. When you work a job where you are dealing with secondary traumatic stress, other people's drama, other people's trauma for a living,

you got to be hyper-intentional about connection. Here's what that looks like in real time. Okay, Jamie? It looks like him coming home and not telling you about blood and guts. That's not it. It's him coming home and having 10 minutes to hold your hands and look you in the eye and say, oh, I saw some stuff that I shouldn't have seen today. Really hard. And you holding him, looking him in the eye saying, tell me about how that feels in your body. And him being able to say, I don't know if I can breathe. And him being able to cycle through that experience with you, not with blood and guts, not, oh, my gosh, my boss. But, hey, I was like, man, I really had a hard day at work.

My boss said some stuff that got in my soul. And then instead of you going, well, you should have said this. You say, hey, tell me where that's showing up in your body. How's that feel? And him going, Ooh, it's in my guts, right? Or it's in my chest. I can't breathe. Whatever that feels like. And then you being able to say, and being able to look at you and go, you look like you got hit by a bus. You're still beautiful and pretty, but Whoa, you look like you're carrying a lot. And you say, yeah, today was a really hard day with the kids. It was hard. And you being able to talk about what your experience was not, and then, and then, oh my gosh, and there was poop. But it's just being able to say it was so hard. Right. And so you're looking at places you can have connection.

And so here's what I'll tell you. Here's how I've seen it happen. Here's how I've done it. And I haven't, I've done it terrible in my house. Like what you're explaining to me, I've been through in my home. Okay. This is hard. Very quickly, the, I don't want to talk to him about it because I don't want to burden him. You know what that becomes? A secret. I'm just going to hold on to this and then very quickly that secret becomes are you doing all right yeah i'm fine and you know what that is that's a lie it's not true and now all of a sudden i've got deception between me and my wife and then yeah and so you know what's going to happen here is you're going to find yourself mad that you're having to lie and you're going to blame him for that madness.

And then I don't care who you are. I don't care what situation. You will find connection somewhere else. Period. Our brains are, it's too, it drives every function of our bodies, our heart rates, our brains. It drives everything. And you might find connection through gardening or making a list or find connection through some social causes or your church, or you will find it somewhere else. That's also where you find it with another drink and

another drink and another drink, or some guy who is picking up their kid and just says, man, you are awesome. Right? And suddenly it's like, oh, I haven't had anybody tell me I'm awesome in a while. Right? It happens so inconspicuously. Right? And so, and happens vice versa here on the other side too. Double back down on that connection.

Right? This is one of those moments where we have, I feel like, am I reading your mail here? Kind of. Yeah. You're getting quieter and quieter. I know I'm talking a lot. So here's what I got. Here's what I'm telling you. You're, and I'm telling everybody listening, you don't protect the person you love by shutting them off. You don't protect the person you love by keeping secrets. You do protect them by the details, by the blood and the guts, right? And the color of poop on your shirt.

That's not always helpful, right? You don't protect them by keeping secrets and secrets just end in ash every time. Or they end in 40-year-old roommates, right? Where you have separate parallel lives. So here's the thing. Find a babysitter. Find one of his 24 cycles off. And I want you all to go out to breakfast somewhere together and just exhale And tell him, hey, I miss you. And I know you miss me. And we are starting to drift. And we're going to do whatever it takes to double back.

And it's probably going to mean you all need to go see a marriage counselor. Not because your marriage is in jeopardy. Although it might be. I don't know. But you're probably going to need to go see somebody to learn some tools. And first responders are the best at first responding. They are not always the best at learning how to connect relationally because they have to disconnect that part of their brain to respond to blood and guts every night, every night, every night. But that sort of response

doesn't work inside a home. So go talk to a counselor, go talk to a pastor, but look your husband in the eye and say, hey, I feel like we're drifting and we're not going to do this because you mean everything to me. And he's going to look at you and say, you mean everything to me. And we're going to double down on reconnecting. And what I promise you, Jamie, I promise you, if you make reconnection your priority, it'll send you both on a journey. But man, your marriage will be stronger and more incredible. You've heard me say this a million times. You've got to clear the deck. You've got to sweep, excavate all of the old building out.

You've got two kids. You're exhausted. You've got to build something new. Build it intentionally together. And then, man, that foundation is so strong. Ain't nothing going to shake that. That's a lie. Something will shake it big time.

And then you may have to knock it down and rebuild something else. But you're going to keep doing it together and together because you're doubling down on that connection. And back to the postpartum. If you are worried that you are thinking about hurting yourself, worried about hurting somebody else, you are going for days on end without sleeping. You are going for days on end with that rattling in your bones. Call your doctor.

Don't hesitate to do it. All right, postpartum is real. It's terrifying. It is disconnecting for everybody. Call your doctor if you're worried about postpartum, okay? Thank you so much for your call, Jamie. Oh, man, what a blessing. Appreciate you so much for your call, Jamie. Oh man, what a blessing. Appreciate you so much. Hey, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back

on the Dr. John Deloney show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right. October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families.

We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself

and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com

slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Hey, listen, I've got an email. I always say, hey, listen, you're literally sitting there with headphones in your head or you're driving down the road or you've got the YouTubes on in the corner. You already are listening. So when somebody says, hey, listen, you're already listening. I realize that's annoying. So when somebody says, hey, listen, and you're already listening, I realize that's annoying. So sorry about that.

So we've got an email here that I want to touch on because I love this question. It's from this guy named James. It's probably not from James Childs, even though maybe he knows who that guy. He says, what is the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum? I've heard you talk about both of them, but I can't figure out the difference. It seems like one is good and one is bad. Can you clarify? That's an awesome question.

Here's how I would define boundary versus ultimatum. And they come down to the purpose of each one. A boundary is a way I am seeking connection in a healthy way. It is me saying, hey, I would like to remain in relationship with you. I would like to continue to work here. I would like to have a healthy relationship with you. And here's what I need to stay whole and well. So my boundary is I go to bed at 10 o'clock. If we're going to do crazy fun things, if we're going to have this rambunctious sex life, awesome. It's got to happen before 10, because if I don't go to bed by 10, then I've got to get up at five to take care of the kids, to do X and Y and Z, and it's going to cause challenges. Or

hey, listen, I want to work here, but you can't talk to me like that. That's a boundary, right? This is what I need to be healthy here. Ultimatum, I consider ultimatum the line in the sand, right? It's a power move. It's not a way we're going to, it's not me trying to reach out and remain connected to you. It is me saying no more, or I will scorch the earth around us, right? So an ultimatum is, if you cross this line, this is when I disconnect from you. So an ultimatum is a statement of disconnection. This is it. No more. A boundary is this is what I need to be well. So one is me communicating with you, hey, this is what I need

for us to stay connected. And the other one is this is the line I draw. You cross this line and we are disconnected. And I know they sound, that's like, you just said the same thing backwards. Think of them on, so beat up on this word right now, but think of those on a spectrum. A boundary is a conversation about how I'm going to remain healthy in this relationship. An ultimatum says, here is the line. And if you cross it, this relationship is over. I'm done. I'm out. I'm moving out.

I'm finished. I quit, right? Those are the difference there. One of them is seeking connection. One of are the difference there. One of them is seeking connection. One of them is about power. One of them says enough. So is one good and one bad? I don't know. Because if, if, if I'm in an abusive relationship and I say no more, that's my ultimatum. If this happens again, I'm gone. I think that's a good thing. I think that's, you need to exert power in that situation. If you, so I think it's all contextual, right? So I hesitate to say one's good and one's bad. They're just, you use them differently in different

situations. When you find yourself in a work environment, does it begin to take your soul from you? Begin to look back, step back and say, here's what I need to work here. Hey, I'm not going to go to war with you, boss. But if you need me to be here 24-7, 365, I can't do that. So I wish you the best of luck. I'm going to go find me another job, right? I'm not going to hate you. I'm not going to say mean things about you in the internet. I'm going to go find another job, right? Or in a relationship. Hey, look, you keep coming home at midnight and you're not texting or calling. Man, that makes me feel not safe. That makes me feel like you've got more other priorities that aren't me. Here's what I need to feel safe in this relationship. I need you to at least let

me know. I need you to let me know where you are. I need you to let me know if you're going to stand me up on a date. That's different than if you stand me up again this is over boundaries versus ultimatum so great question james i hope that helped um hey and so instead of taking one more call we're going to do something special today i'm going to take advantage of the one and only bob orquez every show we end with the greatest song of all time but you have to listen to my whiny, rambly, tinny voice. Now, I've got the voice of a professional, of a true master craftsman. So Bob said, hey, he's got some,

Bob, you got some poetry for us? I have some poetry for you, a song. So this is the greatest song of all time, of all the songs ever in history. You picked this one. I did we go you can't touch this you can't touch this you can't touch this you can't touch this my my my my music hits me so hard makes me say oh my lord thank you for me. With a mind to rhyme and a two hyped feet, feels good

when you know you're down. A super dope homebody from the Oak Town. And I'm known as such. And this is a beat you can't touch. Thank you, Bob Borquez. Yes, thank you. Bringing us poetry. MC Hammer, you can't touch this right

here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.