The Dr. John Delony Show - How to Talk to My Aging Parents About Getting a Will

Episode Date: August 2, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode How do I change my way of thinking so that I can go back to school and change my career? My parents don’t have a will and they won’t talk to us about it. How can we get them to be more open? Lyrics of the Day: "Imagine" - Common   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: divorce, workplace/career, parenting   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to an exhausted single mom who's been telling herself stories about what she can and can't accomplish, and I teach her how she can take control of those negative thoughts. We also talk to a young woman whose parents won't discuss a will. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? What's up? Stay tuned. It's a show about mental health and families. We need to write a theme song like a 90s sitcom, which just shows your face. Just freeze frame with the song underneath it. We have some cool keyboards, like one of those keyboard guitars.

That'd be incredible. That would be so good. Hey, so for Inside Baseball, this is the second time we are shooting the intro to the show. We had it perfect. We had nailed it. We had some cool inside jokes. The banter was great.

And the video thing crashed. And so now we're just starting the whole thing over, trying to act all improv. Like, hey, what's up, everybody? But we're doing it again. We're glad you're back with us, even though you were always just with us. And we're going to talk about relationships, marriage, whatever you got going on in your life, your jobs, your life, everything. And, hey, we got a new segment on the show. And by the way, welcome back.

Thank you. You were gone for what, months? Four days. Four days. Feels like a month. You were with middle school kids, like in the woods, huh? That sounded way worse. They were on camp.

Let's just backtrack that thing. You were on camp and with middle schoolers in the woods. Yeah, it was elementary school kids. Third through fifth grade boys. So you came back. So basically, the maturity level between what you've been doing and this show is just about flat. There were actually less poop jokes with the kids than there are in this show.

Well, you need to hang out with cooler kids. And... Because we all deserve a break now, and then Kelly's gone today. I don't even know where she's at, but Madison is here.

Thanks for sitting in. Of course. Happy to be here. You look great. Feel great. Smart. You're brilliant. No, don't feel great,

but I'm here. I'm operating. Doesn't that sound under the weather to you? A little bit. Yeah. You sound over the weather. Over the weather.

You got COVID-16, 17, 18. All of them. All of the COVIDs. Not the one nine, though. Nope. Not the one nine. I'm in the clear. It's COVID-16, 17, 18. All of them. All of the COVIDs. Not the one nine, though. Nope. Not the one nine. I'm in the clear.

It's awesome. Hey, Kelly is doing CPR training right now with the dummies that you practice on, like on the office when Dwight cut the face off the thing. So next time she's on the show, you need to just pretend to be choking or have a heart attack and just see what she does. There's 100% chance I'm doing that, A. They will probably edit this out of the show. They won't let us do it on the show, but we're going to have video of that.

And B, what's that song that they sing? Stayin' Alive. Stayin' Alive. That's going to be the song of the day the next time. That'd be so great. And see if she even catches it. For those of y'all who are regulars, y'all know that Kelly's not always the sharpest tool in the shed, but she may get this one.

She may get this one. Actually, Kelly's way smarter than all of us us um hey we have a new segment on the show not we used to do like back in the day we did um the most annoying thing we got a new segment called i'm cool with that so the first and maybe only um entry into i'm cool with that was today on the way to work i saw a guy driving next to me in a truck that he had painted camo. And I was just thinking, man, that dude's got hundreds of dollars of Sitka gear. He sprays himself down in deer urine and all this stuff so that he can hide from these poor little whitetails and the rabbits and whatever. But then he thinks, you know what they won't see?

My F-250 because I spray painted it black and brown and green. No one's going to see it. But you know what? I'm cool with that. And if you're driving down the highway in a camo truck right now, high five to you, brother. I don't know. I don't. At some point you thought, you know what?

This is going to be a good idea. And so I'm going to high five you on that one. I support you. Go camo truck people. If you want to have a camo car, if somebody will have a camo Prius and just send me a photo of it, everything that I ever do for the rest of my career, I'll give to you for free. Tickets, books, everything you just get for free. If you have a Prius that is painted camo, you win life. You've won everything. If you pull up to a

eating establishment or a bar or something in a camo-painted Prius, everyone just leaves who they're with and they go home with you. It's incredible. All right, let's do this. Let's go. How about some calls? How about that? Let's go to Kara in Sacramento.

Kara, it is super early. Good morning. Good morning. Has the world even started where you are? It has for me. Well played. I see what you did there. That was awesome. So how in the world are you? I'm great. Thank you. I'm so honored that you invited me to the show today. Oh, you're so, I'm honored. This is not a, this isn't the upper echelon of shows and so i'm so glad that you're with us um okay so for the listeners um maybe a week ago two weeks ago i was co-hosting day ramsey show

and you called in and uh we had a lovely conversation and then i thought you know what i want to dig in and share your conversation with the folks who listen to our show. And I also want to hear how the last week has been. So let's, let's hit rewind and slap it up, flip it, reverse it. And you can tell us, why'd you call Dave's show and tell us what's going on in your world. Um, I called because, um, I'm great. I'm so thankful for my co-worker who introduced me to Dave Ramsey. And since I found all the personalities and I've been listening to podcasts and watching on YouTube. And so when I called, you were the co-host and the title was Overwhelmed Single Mom, which is exactly what I am.

And you guys made me feel so much better. I am on the back end. I'm almost done. I think, like you said, I had battle fatigue. And, you know, I just, I was doing the every dollar app. And every time I'm over budget, even without putting miscellaneous fund money, giving any of that, just the basics. And my rent's going up next month or in August. So that's why I was just at my breaking point that day. And you guys really made me feel better.

And then we talked about going to school. And you said I need to get the roadblocks out of my own mind to be able to do that. And I've actually attempted to go back to school a couple of times. Well, actually, I've taken classes here and there. And then I was working full-time and in school full-time, going to do an LVN program, a bridge to RN. And then my ex-husband took me to court for 50 custody. He said I was an absent parent. So then I, obviously I stopped at that point. Now that she's older, I'm just getting ready to start. So that's where we are.

And I think that's why I have roadblocks because it's like something's always kind of came up. Yeah, you've got an idiot in your life that's decidedly, I'm going to make things complicated. He is so much better now. Oh, awesome. I have to say, I'm going to make things complicated. He is so much better now. Oh, awesome. I have to say, I'm so grateful for his girlfriend now, who's now his fiancee.

And I even told him, you better not mess this up. She's amazing. You are person of the century. So how long ago did you get divorced? 2008. 2008, okay. And I'm assuming it didn't end super great. How long ago did you get divorced? 2008. 2008. Okay. Yeah. And I'm assuming it didn't end super great.

Like you weren't thrilled about this. Okay. No. In 2016 is when I was going back to school, and he took me to court and all that good stuff. Okay. So that was a few years ago. And then since then, he's started dating this girl who had actually been a friend of his for a long time. And my girls, when they go over there, they go places together, like, you know, Six Flags, all that kind of stuff.

And, you know, they eventually got together. And I was like, thank God, because I know when they're there, I don't have to worry. They're being well taken care of. She loves them just as much as she loves her boys. And I'm very grateful for her. So for every, wow, so for every husband, ex-husband, ex-wife listening to this, every soon-to-be, we've got people who have just been filed on recently or who have been separated for a while and are waiting to go ahead and make those final moves. How in the world did you get yourself in a place where somebody hurts you real bad and you had a life track you had little kids you're married and all of a sudden your life takes a left turn and you must have found some sort of resilience and strength and

i'm gonna use the word power that very few will ever have to come to a place where you're cheering him on for his new girlfriend and you're so grateful that your daughter's – how did you make that shift? Maturity, growing up. Oh, stop it with your maturity. Come on. No. I'm still kidding.

Good for you. It's about the kids, and it was hard. I mean, it was no picnic. I mean, it just took time, and the kids were so much happier when we got along. And there was a lot of me biting my tongue. And it still kind of happens from time to time. I just like, you know, this is your dad. And, you know, just like she wanted to play sports. And then they were doing COVID testing every two weeks, not making them get the shot. And he was like, no, I don't want you getting tested. I want your DNA. And I said, John, like, what is he even talking about? Like, if they wanted their DNA, they could find it.

And we're not that important, FYI. You know, but, you know, so I said, well, here, I said, why don't you write a list of 10 reasons why you want to do it? And that would probably see him, make him realize what you want to do. It's going to be your senior year, blah, blah, blah. She didn't do it, but she's going to do it for her senior year because like her junior year is when that was happening. I'm like, you know, so there's still times I have to bite my tongue.

And I said, well, I'll say some, no, mom, don't say something. Because I said, I'm not afraid to say something to your dad. She goes, I know, that's why I didn't tell you at first. But so the key here is this is a process, right? And at the end of the day, you made a choice. It's more important that, I love how you said it. It's important that we get along. It's better for me.

It's better for him. It's better for our kids, most importantly. And I'm not going to pick fights. I'm not even going to finish fights. I'm going to check in with my soon-to-be adult daughter. But it's a daily commitment to, I'm going to bite my tongue on this one. I'm going to talk with my daughter on this one. Hey, I'm going to sit down with him and have a conversation.

Good for you. Everybody listening, the two words there, intentionality and process, right? People think, oh, I'm just going to be all better now. It's not how it works, man. Ten years later, you're still struggling with this. And every day, you got to wake up and make a decision, right? So back to that phone call, you called and you, like millions of single moms, like single men and women, like married men and women, you looked at your budget and the numbers didn't add up. And you're working hard.

You're exhausted. You're trying to do the best you can for the people around you who count on you, but it didn't add up. And that nagging question is, I can't go back to school. I can't do this stuff. I'm too old for this. What about that? Walk me through that. It's those stories you're telling yourself, those negative stories.

Tell me about those negative stories you were telling yourself. Oh, I've got plenty of those. Okay. So, um, a lot of it is like, I want to be able to take trips and make memories with my kids while they're

still home. Now I feel like I'm out of time almost because she's going to be a senior this year. I'm not completely out of time, but, you know, that's my biggest thing is be able to make memories and do things. Like it's not about stuff. It's about memories. And I guess now I'll be able to do that as an adult, which I have to get over the regret of missing so much when they were kids

because I was just working myself to death. And then I'm getting to where I'm like, okay, I need to start saving for retirement. But, you know, because I'm terrified the older I get, like, you know, and as Dave pointed out, I'm not that old. But I'm, you know, I'm 44. So I'm like, okay, I don't want to keep working until I'm like 80. And I've never owned a home.

I want to buy a home in California. That's really pretty much impossible on one income unless you have a higher paying job, which I want to do. I want to go back to school. I've always wanted to do that. And so it's just I'm kind of battling these things in my head, like prioritizing the memories with the kids. The 403B is the medical one the kids, but the 401 or 403b is the medical one. It's like a 401k. I'll do that eventually. I feel like that's not a priority. It's more of, and then I'm like, I don't really need a big house now, but I do want to own,

so I don't have to worry about the rent keep going up like it is again this month. So I want to give you two secret tricks. Okay. Okay. And by secret, I mean, I'm writing a book on it. So it's not secret at all. Okay. Oh, I'm working on it.

And this will be, you'll, you'll get this about seven months before the rest of the world gets it. Okay. Okay. So there's two things I want you to do. If you have a close friend that you trust, I'd love you to do this with them in their presence. Okay. Cause some of these things can get heavy and some of them take another set of eyes. If you don't, then you may want to get a counselor and say, Hey,

this knucklehead idiot on the radio, on a podcast, on the radio, asked me to do this thing. And I want you to walk through it with me. And if the counselor says, well, let's do an assessment, just say, okay, then you don't want my money. I'm going to go somewhere else. But you'll find somebody that will walk alongside this with you. Okay? Okay. So you, man, it's almost like you're.

This meaning the budget or like the math? No, no, no, no. So in the same way you do a budget, in the same way you sit down and say, what are my expenses? What do, how much money do I I make and how do I allocate this? Sometimes you realize I got to get a new job. Sometimes you realize I got to cut expenses. Sometimes you realize I got to get a second or third job in this one season so that I can X, Y, and Z, right?

Yeah, and I've been working a lot of extra shifts and taking an extra call. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're working yourself. Yeah, you have very little muscle and skin left. You're down to bone, right? You yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, you're working yourself. Yeah. You have very little muscle and skin left. You're down to bone, right? You're cutting into your bone, right? Yeah, pretty much. So here's what I want you to do.

In just asking you a couple of stories, you mentioned I'm out of time. You mentioned regret. You mentioned surviving. You mentioned things that you want or I'll even say wanted like a house like a this like a that all of those stories you that you're telling yourself they're all true and they're all real those things have become bricks in your backpack that you carry around right and they abs every morning you wake up and you stand up tall and you try to stretch and your shoulders are hunched over and you begin thinking, oh, I just got to go do this and I got to do that. And I sure would love to have this. I don't even have that. And oh my gosh, I got to go. And your day starts, right?

With you just completely weighed down. So I want you to take a piece of paper, and I am a big proponent of getting like a 99-cent yellow pad and a pen. Write this down. Don't use a computer. And I want you to write down the stories you tell yourself, especially ones that include regrets, things I should have, I must have, can't believe I didn't, I'm pissed off that, right? The things about regret, the things about I'm just trying to survive. And then I want you to go through those things and I want you to demand evidence whether they're true or not. Okay. So sometimes you can draw a line on a piece of paper or sometimes out to the margin, you can just write not true.

So, for instance, I cannot go back to school right now. That's a story you tell yourself. I'm going to tell you it's not true. It would take some sacrifice and some extra time, and you're going to have to drop back on this. Or you might have to let the story that you need to buy a house right now, you may need to let that one go for a bit, right? Oh, yeah, that one's gone. It's gone. Well, okay.

So here's the second part of that. After you mine these things for evidence, the ones that are true, and here's, I tell myself, dude, I tried out for the Gifted and Talented program when I was in third grade. I didn't get it. They had these interviews, and I remember the names of the teachers, and I won't call them out here because I don't even know if they're living, and don't want them to feel bad even though they should right not really right I tried out for that I didn't get it so here I am three plus decades later I got two doctorates I went to Harvard for a program I've got certificates coming out my like a wallpaper a wall but and did you know I still I'll be talking to folks and one of my first things I say is I'm not that I mean I'm not that smart and I'm not I won't be able to figure that out and that stuff's a story that has been wired into

me for 30 years right it's not true it's dumb it's every bit of evidence in the world is contrary to that and yet that story is still there so it's when I got to remind myself when I hear it myself say it I gotta nope that's that one's not true. So you're going to mine these stories for evidence. And then here's the other thing. I want you to write down the things that you can control and the ones you can't. Do you have $850,000, which is what it costs for a one-bedroom, one-bath in Orange County? No. You don't have that.

So you can't control that one. Let that one go. Any decision after that to carry it around is a choice to walk a little bit heavier, walk a little bit slower. Can you get back the last 10 years when you have been working four jobs so that your kids could eat? No. No.

You can't get them back. And so every moment you spend in regret, every moment you spend in resentment is a decision to not live moving forward. Does that make sense? Yeah. And it's a hard, annoying, frustrating, everyday decision to go through these things and say, I can't control that today. I can't control that today.

I can go email schools and start now. I can make sure that I'm enrolled in summer one session or it's already midway through the summer. So I can enroll, be enrolled in the fall. And I'm going to sit down with my girls and say, hey, here's what I'm doing. And once I'm done with this program, you and I are going to, there's Disneyland on the other end of this or there's Europe on the other end of this or whatever that looks like. And by the way, I'm not going to live in California. I'm going to move to Kansas so I can buy a whole city block for the same price as I can buy a one bedroom apartment, right? Or I'm going to move to Texas or Nashville. We'd love to have you, right? I'm going to begin to say,

I can't buy a house in California. What can I control? I can control not living here maybe. I can control potentially this or potentially that. And you begin to expand your scope of what is possible in the life of Kara. And I'm telling you what, when you start looking at things you can control and you start letting go the things you can't control, holy smokes, man, you find yourself sprinting everywhere because you're not carrying on those bricks anymore. Now I simplified this. This is hard. I've had a lot of counseling. I've had a lot of smart friends that happen to be counselors that have helped me when we're just having a drink or some chips and queso. This isn't easy and it's not for the faint of heart.

But my promise is if you give yourself 30, 60, 90, 120 days, 3, 4 months of daily practice, just like exercising, just like eating right, just like getting on a budget, of asking yourself, what story am I telling myself today? Is it true or is it not? And what can I control about this? Over time, your default setting begins to shift. And so when you have that thought, man, I'm not smart enough for this, you go, yes, I am. And you head right back in. Or I am a crappy husband. No, I'm not. And you head right back in. And it happens so fast, so fast, so fast. It becomes automated, just like those negative stories we tell ourselves are automated, too. You can turn the dial. Kara, thank you so much for sharing with us.

I'm so, so grateful for you. Hey, let's take a quick break, and we'll be right back on The Dr. John Deloney Show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era

because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting.

We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself,

where you can learn to be honest with yourself and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy,

and you can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp.

Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go to Carrie in Charlotte, North Carolina. What's up, Carrie? How we doing? Hi, Dr. John. I'm doing okay. How are you? Outstanding. What's going on? How can I help? So basically, my parents are in their late 60s. They do not have a will or any savings or any end-of-life plan set up, and they're not willing to talk about it. Oh, gosh. That's the worst. Why? Why?

So growing up, not a lot was talked about in our family, including finances. Actually, in 2018, my dad received a huge inheritance, which would have been enough for them to have a good bit of savings. And by the grace of God, my parents bought a house that's fully paid for. My dad also bought a newer car. Beyond that, we don't know if they have paid off any credit card debts or not. However, I know for certain that my dad donated the rest of their inheritance money, or I guess his inheritance money, he's the one that received it, to their church. And when my siblings and I found this out, we unanimously decided that we were not paying for

any care that they may need in the future because we don't feel that we should be responsible for their financial carelessness. My siblings and I are huge supporters of you and Dave Ramsey. So about a year ago, we attempted to talk to them about their will and any end-of-life plans that they may have, and we got shut down instantly. Now, we want to attempt to talk to them again because we don't want to be blindsided in the end, but we recently discovered that my dad has a borderline personality disorder, and we aren't sure the best way to approach this conversation because we aren't sure which side of my dad we're going to get when we do. Yeah, that's hard. So here's the first thing.

I don't care about the diagnosis. Just throw that out, okay? Don't dance around that. Um, a 60 plus 70 year old person that either thinks they're diagnosed with borderline or has been like, man, we're, we're past that. Um, the reality is, um, and by the way, you and your brothers and sisters, y'all got together. I applaud your unity. Way to go, man. I know a lot of adult kids that are like, whatever. What y'all decided to do is kind of dumb and reality isn't going to play out. You're not going to let your parents

just sit on the street and be like, nope, shouldn't have given it to church. You're going to drive off in your car. That's not how that will play out, but I do applaud y'all at least talking about this amongst your siblings. I know it feels good to be like, we'll show them. That same we'll show them attitude is the same attitude your parents taught you.

Yeah. Which is the, oh yeah, we're not talking about that. It's the same like, and so what I would tell you is as an adult, how old are you? I'm 27. Yeah. So you're an adult and there's a really crummy moment when kids suddenly find themselves parenting their adult parents, which is what you're doing, right? And this is super frustrating and super annoying. I know a few folks in my life that will not have this conversation.

As a guy who has been around death for so long, I don't understand it. And as a guy who's lost friends, who left their spouses with a lot, with life insurance, with a will, it doesn't make any sense to me at all. I've also learned over the years that talking about death and talking about finances is such a shame inducing, scary, um, fear inducing proposition that some people don't have the emotional or spiritual or mental tools to deal with it. Now they don't get a pass. I don't care if you have the tools,

you got to deal with it because it's going to deal with you. Right. Yes. A hundred percent of us don't get out of this thing. Right. Yeah. Um, the way my buddies, John King, I love he's one of my best friends on the planet, and I love the way he says it.

He says, the only reason to not have a will is if you hate your wife and kids. That's it. And so if you hate your wife and kids, keep plugging along without a will. If you do, here's the reality. If you do love your wife and kids, if you do love your husband, if you do love America, if you love your church, whatever. Yeah. And I know I'm preaching to the choir here. You got to get real.

You have to. You have to. It's not a debate. If you have a dog, where's your dog going to go? Where's your pet going to go, for crying out loud, right? Right. So the only recommendation I have for you is this number one don't go to war over your parents okay at some point you're gonna poison yourself hoping that they're gonna

they're gonna die right you are gonna get yourself so fired up and worked up and you and your brothers and sisters every time you'll get together it's be, I can't believe how stupid mom and dad are. They're so dumb. They're so this and that. And you are going to just create a bed of resentment and anger towards your parents. That's not going to do anybody any good. It's not going to make a will materialize, right? So you're going to be deciding to shorten your life over an issue you can't control,

right? Right. And I know it's maddening and I know it's frustrating. There is a moment when one of you, and it'd be awesome if it's you, calls them or y'all all get together and you say, I know we all said we're not going to help them. The reality is we're not going to let them starve to death on the side of the road. And they are going to have to sell their house because that's going to be the only equity they have. It's going to be the only equity they have. It's going to be the only money they have. They're going to move in with one of us or some of us, or they're going to move into a one bedroom apartment.

And that money, that equity is going to pay down that apartment until they pass away. Like those are the financial realities. That's the math problem they're going to be facing. And just saying, we're not going to do anything again. It feels good, but it's not reality. And then here's the last ditch effort. I'm going to do this. I'm going to give you a free will, the same will that I use. I use it with Mama Bear Wills. Ramsey's got a partnership with them. If you hang on the line, I'm going to send you a code so that you can give them a free will.

Okay. They may not use it. They may take the paper of the letter you write it on and use it as two-ply. That's their choice, right? You can say, I know we did the best we could. And I want you and your brothers and sisters, I want one of you all to draft a letter. It would be best if you hand wrote it, but you can type it up. It's great. Have everybody read it. Everybody sign off on it.

And then this may take a week or two. I want you to hand mail it to everybody. If you don't live in the same town, I want everyone to sign it. Everybody sign off on it. And then this may take a week or two. I want you to hand mail it to everybody. If you don't live in the same town, I want everyone to sign it. And I want it to be a love letter, not a demand letter. Okay. Okay. I want it to be a letter that says you guys are growing up. Mom and dad, y'all raised us to think about the future.

You raised us to think about our legacy. We're so grateful for the stuff y'all did give us. Now, my gut tells me there's a lot of crap back there. If you wanted to write a letter to them and let them have it, it'd be a 40 or 50-page letter. Am I right? Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Yes.

Growing up in the house of somebody with a borderline personality disorder that won't deal with it, the will is just the tip of the iceberg, right? You've been dealing with this crap forever, okay? I know this love letter will be hard. Your goal is not to punish your parents. You can't do that for them. Your goal is to say, hey, I want you guys to have end-of-life care. One year, my parents surprised me and my brother and sister and I. They gave us for Christmas long-term care insurance, right? They weren't wealthy growing up. They weren't,

my parents didn't have, they didn't have a lot. They worked their butts off and they're incredible people. They didn't have a lot. So they bought long-term care insurance and it was a palpable relief. We all exhaled. It was pretty awesome. So all it says, who knows that that may happen. You can take this call and send it to them if you think that will help. Maybe sometimes hearing from another person, but at the end of the day, going to war against your family is just going to leave a pile of bodies and nobody's going to win. And you're not going to get that will, and you're not going to get that resolution that you want. So you and your brother and sisters, write them a love letter.

Tell them, hey, y'all got them a code. They don't have to tell them that this is free unless they watch this show. Then you're busted. And we got you a will. They can do it on the computer together. Tell them that one of y'all will fly out with them. And tell them that you're willing to donate everything they have to the church or whatever, that you just want them to have a plan.

Okay? Right. And you guys are them to have a plan. Okay. Right. And you guys are going to have to get over this. Your dad got an inheritance. He did what he wanted to with his money. Could that have been yours? Yes. Could it have helped you guys out?

Yes. Could it have helped them out? Yes. It didn't. So let it go. Right. Right. That bitterness and resentment just keeps you awake at night.

It doesn't bring that money back. It goes back to those things. You can't bring that money back. It goes back to those things. You can't control that. And so I'm not going to spend one second of energy on things I can't control. And when I feel myself trying to control things that are outside of my scope, I'm either going to call a friend, I'm going to write it down and let it out, man. I'm going to let it go. And I'll say this again. And I was a smart aleck last time i'll say it i'll i'll say it gent more gentlier is that a word that is that a word medicine gentlier i don't think so i think i just embarrassed myself um luckily there's only 14 and a half listeners on this and i said half one of y'all is just like

doing something not even paying attention so you're a half a listener here's the deal you have to have a will you got to have a. The mama bear wills are not expensive. Like they're less than a hundred bucks, right? You have to have a will. If you're a college grad and you just got out of school, get a will, right? If you are a grownup, get a will. If you are a young 800 years old, get a will. You have to.

Nobody wants the government telling them what to do when they're alive. God help you. You want them taking care of your money and equity and family when you're dead. This is your one shot, right? To take care of the people that you love. I know talking about death is hard. It is. Nobody wants to imagine life without us here.

But the reality is 100% of us don't get out of this thing alive. And so 100% of us need to have a plan. I think the last I saw was 70% or something don't have a will. Good folks. I don't care if you don't have anything, get a will. And more importantly, one of the most blessed conversations I've had in my lifetime is my dad called, met with me, said, hey, here's my plan. Here's where the will is.

Here's where all this stuff is. Here's where this is going to go. This is going to go. I want you to bring your, you know, this and that and that. What an awesome conversation to have. That's trust. It's intimate. It's vulnerable.

It's my old man saying, hey, I know I got a one-way ticket out of this deal. And me saying, me too. And by the way, I just got my life insurance renewed and changed up. I sent my wife a copy, obviously. And I sent a copy to my old man. And just said, just in case my wife is grieving real hard, I want you to know where this is. It's just a common thing in our home. And I want to let everybody know, if you're scared to talk about it, it just brings your home peace.

And there is no dragons that I know of. And there is no correlation between talking about death, writing up a will, and then you actually dying. That's not how that works. It won't accelerate the process. It just lets you sleep a little bit deeper. Thank you so, so much for that call, Carrie.

You are awesome. Let's wrap up today's show. Let's wrap it up, and we'll catch this next call on the next one. New song out. Dude, I love it. It's by one of the greatest poets of my generation, Common. And it's not even on a record. It's just on a single that he released with PJ.

And the song is Imagine, and it goes like this. I've been dreaming of a paradise, somewhere a little Paris-like, where I want to be. Let's travel to the greener side, a lovely place inside my mind. Don't you want to see? Imagine layers in the game where we're all players,

no more stargazers and a police car chasing. Imagine life that bring us Lauryn Hill type of singers. But you just lost one. Even the righteous schemers still let Christ redeem us. Life is greener on the side. that bring us Lauryn Hill type of singers. But you just lost one. Even the righteous schemers still let Christ redeem us. Life is greener on the side. The beauty that we see be coming from inside.

Imagine if you had God and she had goddess. My people get free. Come. So good, man. Right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.