The Dr. John Delony Show - Husband Is Obsessed With Sports & Yelling at Our Kids Over It

Episode Date: December 8, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.   I helped raise my siblings; now we're grown & I want a different type of relationship Husband is obsessed with sports & yelling at our kids over it Follow-up Email from 11/10 episode: "What I thought would be a night of heartache and crying was actually one of the best nights of my life" Lyrics of the Day: "No Bad Energy" - Nas   Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage   Resources: Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation   Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talked to a woman who had to raise her siblings. And now that she's older, she just wants to be their friend. We also talked to a woman whose husband is trying to live his failed athletic career out through their kids. It's causing a lot of problems at home. Stay tuned. What up, what up? This is the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm John, just like my mom and Amy, and I hope you're doing well.

Today's show, we're gonna talk about relationships, mental health, whatever, I don't know, whatever people call with, that's what we're talking about. If you wanna be on the show, join the dozens who listen, just kidding. James, we got millions talking about. If you want to be on the show, join the dozens who listen. Just kidding. James, we got millions of people. This is getting bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. But if you want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. Fill out the form. It goes to Kelly and she creates these shows and she gives you a shout and then you and I chit chat and it's a blast. Or you can call 1-844-693-3291.

And listen, I've been asking for this for like a year and now they're starting to roll in and I'm excited about this and I hope you will consider this. If you've been on the show before, I love these follow-up emails to let me know how things are going. Was my recommendations terrible? How did my advice work in your life when you actually tried it in real life? love these follow-up emails. Let me know how things are going. My recommendation's terrible.

How did my advice work in your life when you actually tried it in real life? People are writing back, and it's incredible. I love it. So at the end of today's show, I want to talk through a follow-up. Here's a follow-up email from Mary from Tyler, whose husband continuously was cheating on her. We've got some

follow-up here. It's fantastic. And so, man, so excited. Let's go to Marina in Waterloo, where Napoleon may be buried. What's up, Marina? Not much. How are you? Good.

Sorry we had to do a bunch of intros over again because I'm terrible at this job. How are you? I'm doing okay. Excellent, excellent. So what's going on? So I need to figure out how to be a big sister and not a parent to my younger siblings. Uh-oh.

Now that we are all adults. Yes. So tell me about how did you get stuck in that role as a kid? Well, in 2004, my dad deployed overseas. I was about 11 then, and I have five younger siblings. And after that, he was just kind of in and out. So my mom switched to basically a single parent who was at work most of the time. So it kind of fell on me to make sure that the kids' homework was done.

They were fed. They were up in time for school, chores got done, all that kind of stuff. Was that ever discussed or did that just fall on you? I just kind of assumed the responsibility because it felt like if I didn't, then nobody would. Can I just tell you I'm sorry that was your childhood? Me too. I'm sorry that was your childhood. Me too.

I'm sorry. I mean, I'm grateful for your old man's service. That's awesome. And I'm confident your mom was doing what she could to keep things going. And I'm sorry that that fell on you. It wasn't a child's job to raise five kids.

Yeah. So how old are you now? 28. 28. How old is your youngest sibling? 20. Oh, gosh. There was six of y'all in a span of eight years?

Yes. Holy moly. Wow. That's a lot of humans in a short amount of time. Are they all biological kids? Yes. Wow. That's a lot of humans in a short amount of time. Are they all biological kids? Yes. Wow. Okay. So there's six of y'all. Tell me what you're struggling with now.

I just kind of want to be, I think the relationships I struggle with most is my youngest two brothers. They're number four and number five in the order. And I want to be like a safe place for them, not somebody that they're worried about disappointing or judging them for the stumbles they have through life. Yeah. Do you all live by each other? Are you all scattered across the country?

Yeah, we're all within like 45 minutes of each other. That's fantastic. So what's your relationship like with your mom and dad now? I don't talk to my dad. And my relationship with my mom goes from rocky to okay back and forth. Okay. Why don't you talk to your dad? He moved and decided that he didn't want to talk to any of his children anymore.

And then struggles with drug addiction. So we kind of, me and my husband decided it wasn't safe to try and pull him back in with our young kids. Yeah, tell me about your house. You got little ones? Yes, I have an 8-year-old, a 6-year-old, your house. You get little ones. Yes. I have a eight year old, a six year old and a four year old. Dude, you're, you're repeating the process, huh? Yes. If you hustle, if you hustle, you can have two more so you can have, no, I was done having kids at 23. So, oh man. So what you experienced as a young kid, I'm going to classify as trauma.

It was a lot. And my guess is your mom was going through a lot. Your dad was going through a lot. And you experienced trauma. And you've got some open-ended relationships that should be closed-ended relationships, meaning your mom and dad have never been a safe place to anchor into. No. Which has left you untethered through your whole life. What was some of your coping strategies into your late teens, early twenties?

Or you got married early? Yeah, I got married in 2015. My oldest is not my husband's child. Well, she's been adopted now, but I had that struggle. So did you have some adventure years? Not really. Okay. You went from...

I got pregnant at 19, so I went from being a parent to my siblings to being a parent to my kid. Wow. So I wrote down here while you were talking, just on my little notepad here, that you've got to reclaim your childhood. And I know you're 28, and you feel like you're 100 years old because you've lived 100 years. But you're still in your 20s. And so as an old man, I want to tell you,

and I'm not really an old man, but just older than you, you're just a kid and I want you to reclaim your childhood. So what does that mean when you've got three kids, a husband, you've got responsibilities, you've got mouths to feed. When's the last time you laughed so hard Diet Coke came out your nose? Never. Right. When's the last super romantic, smoking hot weekend away you and your husband have had?

We've only done like two overnights since we've had kids away from them. Yeah. When's the last time you ate and then you ordered dessert and then you just ordered a second one? Just cause. Never. Right. You just ordered a second one. Just because. Never.

Right. So there's a little girl in there that is dying to laugh real, real hard. And when I say dying, I mean that. And there is a lovely, sexy, connected 24-year-old in there that looks at that husband and goes, mm-hmm. She's in there too. And there's a 16-year-old and a 19-year-old and a 24-year-old

and a 28-year-old that would 19-year-old and a 24-year-old and a 28-year-old that would love just to dance in the living room. And I want you to discover her, because she's in there. And what I want you to start allowing into your life, something you've never allowed in there before, because you've been an adult since you were 10, is joy, laughter, desire,

rambunctious sex with your husband, more laughter, eating healthy most of the time and just eating garbage once a week, just to be silly. And here's where that loops back to your original. Let me just stop there. How does that sound? Does that sound like madness?

Or does that sound awesome? Like when I say that, what do you- It sounds great, but I don't know how to get there because I'm always so worried about what needs to be done and needs to be taken care of. I don't know how to

let go of that. And it's not going to be an either or. It's going to be both because your kid's still got to eat and they still got to go to bed at night. The way it works is you were born into a story which is your job is to start parenting at 10.

You were told a story about here's what your value is. Your value is to make sure everybody else is okay. Your value is you take your laughter and shove it down. You take your sexuality and shove it down. You take your fill in the blank and shove it down. That little girl who just wants to dance around the living room to old hip hop, she needs to be quiet because we got to get our homework done. That's a story you're born into. And what I want you to do is to imagine a new story.

What would you write? What do I want? I want to feel better when I wake up in the morning. I want to have more sex. I want to have more laughter. I want to start dancing in my living room. All these, whatever that looks like for you. I want to start horse riding lessons. I don't know what it is. You can become a jujitsu practitioner, but I want you to go out with your husband, get a babysitter, get somebody in your neighborhood or get one of your siblings to watch your kids. And I want y'all to go out and create something incredible. It could be whatever you want it to be. And then what you're going to do is you're going to,

this is the magic word that I want you to keep in your mind. You're going to practice because it's all going to feel weird. And it's going to feel like you're violating some sort of value system. It's going to feel awkward. I don't sort of value system. It's going to feel awkward. I don't know how to dance. I don't know how to laugh really loud. I know how to be quiet because I don't want to wake a baby up. I don't know how to just get a babysitter and go with my

husband and have a great weekend away, two weeks away, where we don't think about our eight and our six and our four-year-old because they're taken care of. You're going to have to practice those things. And you're going to fail at some of them and you're going to get tired at some of them and you're not going to work at some of them and that's okay. You should be curious about it when you practice. Why didn't that work this time? Let's try it again this time. Here's what I'm getting at. I don't want you to wake up and be 50 and realize that you never laughed hard. I want you to have joy in your life and it was taken from you at a young age. Now, ask to answer your original question

with your brothers and sisters. I want you to call it out, call a meeting, take everybody to the cracker barrel, whatever it happens to be, and say from this point forward, I'm your sister, I'm not your mom. That's my job. And we're going to be silly,

and I'm going to go first. And so you're going to have to go first and lead the relational change, but I want you to speak out loud what you want it to look like. So, speak it out loud. What do you want it to look like? I just want to be able to get together with them and have

fun and not all be so drowning in our past that we can't have a good time together. So what does fun look like? Just being ridiculous. I know, but what does that look like just having a barbecue

and playing cornhole and throwing water balloons at each other yeah okay I want you to set that up and when you set that up I want you to make a few rules we are not allowed to talk about dad we're not allowed to talk about mom this is just kids having fun

and you can call it Sunday fun day. And once a month, have all your brothers and sisters over to your house just to be chaotic and be silly. And just, we're just going to have moon pies and marshmallows and whatever. I'm going to call it diabetes day. I don't care what you do, but set it up and live it. And again, this can be something you practice because there's going to be some moments where your brothers and sisters don't know how to be safe either. They don't know how to feel safe. You don't know how to feel safe. And so y'all are going to have to practice feeling safe. What's it like to go over to big sister's house, have barbecue, have a cheap burger and

play cornhole and sit outside and drink cheap beer, and then just go home. There's no fights. There was no discussions, no whatever. What is that like? You have to practice it. But here's what I think. I think if you set the stage, they would love a big sister, and they would love a friend, and they would love somebody they can lean into, but isn't going to lecture them when they start doing stupid stuff that 21 year olds do. Yeah. And we're all going to watch

the latest whatever movie that's coming out. We're all going. And everybody pay their own way. I'm not paying for everybody. I don't make that kind of money. But we're all going. Except for you, Tom. You got to stay and keep all the kids. That's big sister stuff but i want you to just to visualize it and write it down and go i want you to stay away from words like i just want to have fun i just want to be ridiculous

i want you to be really specific because if you just say i just want to have fun that bar tends to move on us as we're as we're sitting there. We could be having more fun. We should have a pool. We should have done that. My picture is we're all sitting in lunchers around a fire pit eating hot dogs. I'm going to make that picture happen. You got what I'm saying? Yeah.

Do you think you're worth that? Sometimes. I want to tell you you're worth that all the time. You know who else is worth that those three little kids because you know who hurt a lot too your mom yeah and you absorbed her tension

you absorbed her lack of self respect you absorbed her marital challenges and I don't want that for you and I don't want that for your kids of self-respect. You absorbed her marital challenges. And I don't want that for you and I don't want that for your kids. I want them to think back. My mom was bonkers.

She was hilarious. She was always turning all the lights off and playing hide and seek in the house. She was building giant pillow forts with us. She was always telling us to leave and then she'd turn on this really swanky dance music and she would lock the door with that in there. I don't know what they were doing,

but it makes me have the heebie-jeebies. Whatever it is, I want those to be the memories of your mom. I mean, your kids' memories of you. Is that fair? Yeah. Would your husband lean into that with you? Yeah, he's

super goofy. Excellent. Live into super goofy. Excellent. Live into the goofy. But the big takeaway here is you've got to go first and lead by example with your siblings. You have to be really intentional, very clear about what you want to do, and then I want you to go make it happen and be really graceful with yourself because it's going to be awkward and weird and you're going to have to practice it the whole way. And you are worth it. Oh, my gosh, you're worth it. Your husband the whole way. And you are worth it.

Oh my gosh, you're worth it. Your husband's worth it. Your kids are worth it. You are worth it. So grateful for you. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season.

And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life

and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life.

Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Let's go to Sarah in San Diego, California.

What's up, Sarah? Hi, Dr. Dawn. How are you? Just rocking on to the break of dawn. What about you? Doing well. Thank you so much

for having me on the show. Of course. Is it beautiful in San Diego? Yes, very sunny and warm. So great. It's cold and gray here in Nashville. It's still beautiful, but man, I think of San Diego,

I just think of everybody smiling. Yes. Hard to be sad there. Awesome. Hey, so what's up? Well, I have a question. So my husband and I have been married for 13 years. We have two amazing boys.

They're both, they're nine and 12 years old. And, um, you and your husband still like each other? We do. Yes. Most of the time.

We've made it through a tough season, but you know, yeah. Anyone says we've been married 13 years and we've got two kids and our kids are amazing. That gap is usually like kind of sucks right now, kind of sucks, but it's cool. Like that. Well, these are the three and four, I would say, years old.

All right, so you'll kind of like each other. What's up? Yeah, so we're both former athletes. That's actually how we met. So our sons are very involved in sports. We've had him in sports, you know, very young age. My husband's a dad coach, I guess, if you want to put him in that caliber. And over, I guess, the last couple of years, things have gotten, I would say, pretty intense with like his involvement in coaching and things like that.

And the closer that our oldest in particular gets to high school, um, I just feel like his, the, the intensity there, um, my husband's coaching and, and it there, sometimes it just gets, I think a little bit over the top. Um, and I, I kind of want to know how to navigate that because, you know, I, I don't want to get quote, you know, in the way, I guess, of my husband and his coaching and his intensity, but sometimes it's really, I think just, just over the boundary. Um, and just kind of an example. Yeah. Give me an example. Yeah. Yeah. We were just a couple of weeks ago. This is, I guess probably why I prompt my, my question, but, uh, we were driving home from, uh, not a game, a basketball game, but a basketball practice. And, um, my husband was very disappointed with the efforts given,

with the outcome of the practice, whatnot. And for, not even joking, 50-minute car ride home, he yelled and screamed at the top of his lungs of just his disgust, his disappointment. And in that moment, I just was kind of like, wow, this is really happening. I have to say something. I didn't say something in the car. Why not? Why not? Why not? Why not? Why not? Why didn't you stop and say, nobody talks to my son like this. Stop. Like what kept you from

that? My husband's hard to approach. No, no, no, no. I, I, no I'm talking about like if a rabid dog Comes chasing after your son I know Mama gets in between them I don't care about Like at that point your husband's out of control He's a lunatic Yeah

He's a child What kept mama from getting between a lunatic and her baby? Are you unsafe? No I don't. I don't think I am. Do you ever get that sort of treatment? No. Sarah.

We've never we've never yelled and screamed at each other. But now he. Yeah, and I think that's probably why maybe i was very taken aback in that moment like this what is going on here because it's not a regular thing well one i'm not always in the car with them after practicing there you go it does happen yep um but i i was very like taken aback by it and have you talked since about it? rough. I don't know why. And so, okay, let's, you know, get to bed and dinner and all those things. And I approached him, he was, you know, in our room, kind of TV mode, just, you could tell he was chilling out. And the first thing I asked him was, are you okay? And he's like, yeah, I'm cool. I'm good. Okay. And I said, you know, well, what just happened in a car was, you know, I'm not,

I'm not okay with what just happened. Can we talk about it? Cause wow. And he got really defensive and, um, basically was like, no, I don't want to talk about it tonight. Cause nothing good will come of it. And basically the next 24 hours was just silent. That's kind of how he gets when he's frustrated. So I knew, you know, um, so the next night I approached him again, same thing, kind of nighttime boiling down. It's calm. He's been a better mood and, uh, and he acted like nothing had happened. He was just annoyed that I was even asking him and

bringing it up. And, and I basically was like, Hey, those are my kids. They're your kids, but they're my kids too. And I, you know, that was, that was totally over the line. And I said, I understand that you, how you're very passionate about, you know, their efforts and you want to see them do well. I said, I want to see them do well too. But that was just, I think more damaging and more counterproductive than good. And, and I had shared with him what the kids had shared with me that night when we got home and that they basically were like, that's not motivating. My oldest even said he doesn't even necessarily

want to play basketball anymore. And he just kind of like wrote it off. Like, oh, they're kids and they're going to do that even if you ask them to do chores. They're just sensitive. So here's the thing. If that's my kid, the season's over today. They're out. Out.

And I'm a college athlete too. I trained with a professional MMA team. I know about working really hard. And I know about coaches getting in my face. I know about coaches pushing me, pushing me, and pushing me. This is abuse. And you're going to create a, you're going to not create, you're going to further a, you're going to not create, you're going to further a generation of young people whose relationship with their parents is weaponized.

One from the one that's hurting them and the other from the parent that won't protect them. And that sort of rage that he's got pulsing through his veins ends real bad at some point. Got to stop. And the, oh, they're just kids. That's not true, man. It's abusive. It's absolutely stone abusive. And here's the thing. You know that,

right? Yeah. Like, I can hear it in you that you know it. Why do you feel powerless to say not my kids? Because if an employee at McDonald's talked to your kids that way, you'd walk out of that restaurant. If a teacher talked to your kids that way, you'd walk out of that restaurant. If a teacher talked to your kids that way,

they would never go back to that school. And so what makes it okay, if another coach talked to your kids that way, you'd be off that team so fast. And so my question, like, there's something, there's a safety issue here. I don't know what it is. Either you've lived in this for so long

or it gets, like, yeah, I trust you. It may be so shell-shocked. Like, it may be so, what is happening to the man I love? But your kids desperately need you to get them away from this lunatic.

He's got something going on in him that is deep and full of rage. Yeah. Over a basketball practice? Why would you yell at your kid over a basketball practice? Right, right. It's just, if you just say it out loud,

it's insane. And it's not about, they need to learn how to work hard. Yeah, they need to learn how to work hard in responsibility. And the best way a child can learn responsibility is not by screaming at them and turning them into a, just setting off every fight or flight alarm they have. Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, she's just, she's a savant. She's brilliant. She researches childhood trauma.

And here's an analogy she gives. She says our fight or flight systems are designed for when a bear shows up in front of our cave. And then our bodies signal to take off, either we fight that

bear, we run from that bear. We don't have biological systems for what happens when that bear just decides to live in that cave. Or if every day we walk into our home, which should be our safe place, there's a bear there. And that's what your kids have.

And so their bodies are eating themselves from the inside out. And I think yours is too. And my guess is his is too. If you had to guess what's going on inside of him, you've known him for a long time, what is it? He, I believe he's trying to live out his dream through our kids. For sure.

A hundred percent. Yeah. And that, but that his desire to live out a dream means he's not loving his life right now. Why not? What about his current life is no good? That's a great question.

A question I've been wanting to know for a while. Um, I, I think, you know, he, well, he's not happy where he is, I guess, in life. Like he's with you, with his career, with his two kids. Like what? I think, I think with career in particular, I mean, he's had a lot of, um, uh, he's an entrepreneur and he's had just a lot of, I think, failures and things in the last few years. And, um, You have to get in line on that one, man. There's millions of us. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. And, you know, I, I think it's a plethora. I, he's, yeah, it's, it's hard to even just pinpoint, um, because it's, it's hard to really talk to him. It's hard to get, you know, he doesn't like to share his feelings. Um, it's just, yeah, he, it's, it's, it's a lot, um, both in the one. And so we're, we're doing something I don't like to do. It's to talk about somebody when they're not on the show, or not on the phone, but here's why I'm doing that. Because you're, you've set sail. And here's where this goes.

You either have to turn off your maternal instinct to protect your kids and let dad do what dad's gonna do. You set sail into another harbor to protect yourself. And dads and boys do what dads and boys do. And again, I'm not, please hear me say, I'm not for letting kids sit around and play video games. And I'm not for letting like weakness. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about abuse. And let me just, I'll say this.

I think you know this, but your marriage is in trouble. Am I right? Yeah. It's, it's been quite serious. Yeah. There's been stuff for the last few years for sure. Yes.

Does he have somebody else? He did. Okay. Do you? did. Okay. Do you? No. No? Have you all come back from that? I think not completely.

You know, we were in counseling for like a year. What went sideways with that? I just, I think he's, I don't know. It's, it's hard to say, but he has intensity with things when he's in the moment when there's, it needs to be intense. And then it just kind of things fade. What kind of athlete was he?

Uh, like what sport? Yes, yes, yes, yes. He played, yeah, he played basketball. Okay. So here's where I really struggle with that analogy with, um, like athletes, especially those who, any athlete, any of them, but especially those who play sports like with balls, like football or basketball,

is you get really intense in those moments and everything lasers down to repetition and practice and precision. And so when I hear athletes, especially former athletes, especially former athlete dads who can't let it go and are trying to abuse their children through their own wacko filter, I don't buy the argument

because when those folks lasered down, they were able to follow the play and get a layup. They were able to slide their feet in just the right way to prevent the penetration from the top of the key and to cause them to kick that ball out. And at the same time, they're already pivoting their body because that five is coming across the middle, right? He knows all those things. And so either he chooses to be out of control madness with his family or he chooses to be in control and he proved it for year after year after year on the

court and he's chosen to not put that same level of effort and care and love into his family that's why that's unacceptable that's why i don't buy. And your family deserves that level of intensity and care and energy and practice. Not running a pseudo bootcamp for future former athletes who are going to grow up and, man, maybe he'll go to college. Great. Now I got to talk to you guys. Stay

away far from y'all if your marriage even makes it that long. And I know I'm being hard. Normally I'm not hard like this on a show. I get real defensive of children. And I know you do too.

And so I'm speaking with you here, but I get real defensive of children. And I know you do too. And so I'm speaking with you here, but I get real defensive of children. And I don't know the ins and outs of your marriage, but it sounds like there is a nuclear reactor between the two of you and it is slowly starting to leak out all over the people that y'all care about and love. Tell me I'm wrong or what do you think? Yeah. I mean, you're not wrong. He sounds like a caged animal, like somebody who feels trapped yeah I mean we've you feel caged too yeah so what's your way forward

we wanted to be together So what's your way forward? We want it to be together. I mean, I want it to be where there's, you know, balance with our family unit, with the boys' activities, with us. Um, and it's, it's almost like it's, it's getting kind of in our counseling and stuff that we talked about, you know, rules and things like that and how I could bring and what he brings and, you know, two very different people. Like I like, you know, outdoor adventures and I like, you know, going to the lake and hiking and stuff like that. And, and, um, you know, pulling that into the family so we can all experience that. And it's almost like that part of, of, you know, what we had when they were younger is just being like suffocated because of the sports and the day in and day out. And it's like, you know, it's, it's just getting to the point where it's really difficult to even propose

to do something like that because there literally is no time. Right. And so I want you to, in desperate fashion, quickly, y'all have to create a world where sports is not the center of your universe. And you and your husband got some great things from athletics. I did too. Really great things. And I got a lot of baggage from it too. It's both and. It's good and bad. And what I had to do and I have to do because I've got a young son who's a

stud. He's got physical attributes that I never had. And when I say stud, I mean like freaking nature good. And I never had. And when I say stud, I mean like freaking nature good. And I have had to learn to laugh at practice. Do you know what I do sometimes? I take a book to practice.

Not to not plug in, but so that I make sure I stay unplugged. Because I have to remember, he's just playing with his buddies and he's 11. There's no scholarships getting handed out today. And I'd much rather him learn what accountability is for a team. So here's my rules. Are you going to play? Not you have to. And if you don't, then we're going to do some exercises and movement here at the house.

My wife picks him up and they go for runs now because we're in between seasons. And I didn't make him, I wanted him to do wrestling so bad. I wanted him to do it so bad because I know it'd be good for him. And he didn't want to. And so I didn't make him. But we're still doing stuff,

but we're doing it as a family. And my wife's like you, she likes to be outside. So they go running after school together and they have a blast together. And they are, he's going to have to do stuff. So I'm not just saying to do nothing.

If he commits to a team, there's no quitting for that season because he committed to a team. Even when it's uncomfortable, even when he has to miss sleepovers. So we're all about accountability. And he gets to learn, if you stay up all night and eat garbage

and don't practice hard, then you probably lose. That's what happens. And that's where the accountability comes in. Not for me screaming like a lunatic in the car. And I can talk to him and say, hey, tell me about that game. Where do you think that loss came from? And he'll be able to articulate it. Well, I didn't really put the time in on the front end. Awesome. How can I help moving forward? Well, it'd be cool if we just play catch. Great. You know what I mean? So there's ways to get at the accountability without brute force and childhood screaming.

But at the end of the day, here's where we're at. You've got some real hard conversations to have. And if I'm you, you've got a lot. Do I protect my boys? Do I protect myself? Do I save my marriage? I got a husband who's struggling. You've got a lot. Do I protect my boys? Do I protect myself? Do I save my marriage? I got a husband who's struggling. You got a lot going on.

So if I'm you, I'm making a call to a counselor today for me. Because you got to pull these things apart and get some action plans. Action plan number one is whether it's a letter or it's a direct conversation with husband, you will not yell at my boys like that again I need that to be loud and clear and if this happens again

I'm going to withdraw them from the basketball team they will not play and if any part of that conversation imagining that conversation makes you feel unsafe like you're going to get hurt you're going to get kicked out you got to deal with that asap and it there needs to be a very clear you will not yell at my boys

that's not motivating that's not helpful it's none of those things i'm making them tough it's none of those things nonsense nonsense they're not in the military. Military, a whole different ballgame. And then you got to get serious about do you want to save your marriage? Because your trajectory on your marriage is not good. His behavior is that of a caged animal. And it ends poorly. Poorly, poorly, poorly, poorly, poorly. And if he wants to call a show, I'd love to talk to him too.

But your boys need you because they're going to remember back. Remember, dad was out of control with rage and mom just sat there and watched it. And Sarah, I know you love those boys. I know that's scary and I want you to resolve that. It never happens again.

Never happens again. Got a long road ahead of you. And we're here with you, sister. Call me anytime I can help. I know these are hard, hard, hard. I'll be right back on the Dr. John DeLone Show. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make.

This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the homebuying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey-trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades, and their Homebuyer Edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has

your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we've got the follow-up email from Mary from Tyler, Texas. This original call aired on November 10th of 2021. So if you want to go back and listen to the original one, check it out. Here's what she writes back. I was recently on with and talked about my husband that continuously cheats on me. After hearing Dr. Loney's advice out loud directed straight to me, I knew it was time to leave the marriage. Now, I'm going to pause right there. One of my core

rules, I will never tell somebody unless they are in a dangerous, physically abusive or their kids being abused relationship to leave. I will point a mirror back at you and say, is this the relationship you want to be in? But often, and this is for all of us,

especially you health professionals and therapists that listen to the show, people will interpret what you say as a directive. So always be wise about what you say. And again, she heard me say, you should leave your marriage. She goes on to say, that evening I told my husband I wanted a divorce.

What I thought would be a night of heartache and crying was actually one of the best nights of my life. It felt so freeing, capital letters. I knew for years I needed to end the marriage, but used my kids as a reason to stay. Dr. Deloney opened my eyes when he told me I was hurting my kids by staying because they were absorbing a toxic relationship. Since I made the actions to file for divorce, I've not given it a second thought. I never realized the amount of weight that marriage had on me. I feel like myself again. I can breathe, smile, and just feel good. Thank you, Dr. Deloney. You truly changed my life and gave me a whole new life. Before talking to you, I dreaded going to home after work because I never

knew what to face. Now I leave work to go to my happy place and I'm at peace. Thank you. Mary, I didn't do anything. You did. You had the hard conversation. You looked in the mirror and said, I'm worth more than somebody who cheats on me all the time. My kids are worth more than this example of what love looks like and parenthood looks like and responsibility and what a man looks like. My kids deserve more than that. We all do. And I love how you articulated this. It's so great. Most of us go home and we don't ever,

I'll say most of us, I said that kind of weird. Millions of people go home and they just think that home is a place where you might get yelled at, where your heart's supposed to beat faster as you walk in the door, not a place of

deep exhale. And we can create homes where we can't wait to get there, where they smell good and they feel good and everyone's excited when people show up. But that means we got to deal with our crap. And now Mary, she gets to leave work and go to her happy place, which is home. It's where she has peace. She says, thank you, Dr. Deloney. No, Mary, thank you for demonstrating courage and strength. Again, I love these follow-up emails. If you got good ones, if you got bad ones,

you think, Deloney, that was the worst advice ever. I followed it and you're an idiot. Hey, write back to us, johndeloney.com slash ask. You can fill it up and it will go into the form for Kelly. I love getting these follow-up emails. So go check out that original call on November 10th. And then, man, good for you, Mary. Good for you.

I'm gonna continue thinking about you on this journey you're on. All right, we wrap up today's show. Man. I know there's a lot of controversy here, but Nas is one of the best good folks. And off the Lost Tapes 2 record in 2019, the song is No Bad Energy.

And it goes like this. I'm oblivious to you skeptics. What you hear ain't ever... Eh, let me do that again, sorry I'm oblivious to you skeptics What you hear, you ain't ever hear Until I repped it Iridescent hero's essence Please clear the exits

I chase demons outdoors Force them to hear the message Air them out Heard some people discussing my whereabouts Yeah, it's been a few sightings of me A fair amount Never seen much But yet I'm never in the house. Moving style, wild, exciting. When I do step out, y'all been rhyming for years. In Jungle, made a hit. Uchiwale Ideas sold a million records. Had him embarrassed. Signed to Columbia. Blew a check. He was laughing while y'all in the studio bragging

about your past and thinking back on trips on Manhattan. Dad was rolling hotels like the Plaza. Black bellops holding rich people's bags. Tipped their hats to old men coming out of cabs. Limousine holding doors for them. We all got a job to do. Go for it. No bad energy, please.

No bad energy. Just try to be the best you, man. That's all I can say, man. Just no bad energy. Nas bringing it right here best you, man. That's all I can say, man. Just no bad energy. Nas bringing it right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.