The Dr. John Delony Show - Husband is Stealing Money, Interracial Marriage Struggles, & Catastrophizing

Episode Date: April 23, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   I'm a bi-vocational pastor, and between work, family, planning, studying, etc. I am drained. My health is taking a toll. I weigh 300+ lbs. What can I do? My marriage is not in a good place. He has been stealing money and I'm not sure what to do. What is Catastrophizing? We are a newlywed interracial couple and we are fighting about things that we never did before we were married. Why is it so different now? Lyrics of the Day: "The Background" - Third Eye Blind   As heard on this episode: BetterHelp     tags: fitness/physical health, faith, addiction, counseling/therapy, infidelity, money, substance abuse, marriage, relationships, divorce   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk about stress and its impact on marriages and service and our weight. We talk about a marriage that is slowly ending. We also talk about a marriage that just shot out with a bang during COVID and the flames are starting to die down and they don't know what to do next. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad you're here. Glad you're walking along with us. Hope you're having a good time.

Hope everybody's being nice. Everybody's being cool. I know they're not, but let's just keep saying it. We're going to keep putting it out into the universe over and over again. So glad you're here. We're going to talk about mental health, relationships, what you can do next to make your life. What do you do? What do you do?

I can't talk this morning, man. So we've been shooting these shows out of order the last few weeks. And so we're doing them in the morning, in the evenings, on Saturdays and Sundays. That's not true. I just lied about that. But we're doing them all over the place. And so we're all in here this morning. Whenever you listen to this, I don't even know what time or day it's going to be, but we're all here this morning early, and we are rocking and rolling.

But it's also hard for me to get words out of my mouth, so bear with me. So when we first started this show, if you go back to some of the original OG episodes, there's a lot of talk about the most annoying thing in the world. And then I was like, man, there's so much negativity out there. I want to stop talking about annoying things. Let's start talking about positive things. Well, those days are over. I'm sick of that.

Because here's the thing. There is people just being annoying all over the place, and it's driving me crazy. And so we're going to bring some of that back. We're going to bring annoying back. Yeah. Is that how you do that? Okay, so give me a call.

1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Okay, here's something that's been driving me bananas about Earth. I'll go back. I think it was like 96 or 97, me and my friend Tucker. It's when you just went to the movies. That was what you did. Sometimes you went to see a movie, but you just went to the movies to see what was playing, what was open.

There was this movie out called Scream. Drew Barrymore, who was the fancy actress at the time she was in the front of you know all the all the promos we didn't know anything about it all right you had to like watch a commercial and then you watch Scream spoiler alert here Drew Barrymore dies like in the first three minutes and we I remember looking at each other being like she's the main character she's the big actress what do you the big actress is supposed to go through all the trauma and all the drama and, you know, all the rules about horror movies and then make it at the very end. She died in the first five minutes. And then it was wheels off. You never knew what was coming.

You thought this person and that person. And then the ending of that movie was off the rails. It was awesome. I just remember thinking that's what a good movie is, especially a good horror movie. It was one of my favorite movies ever for years. You had no idea it was coming, right? Nowadays, when there's a funny movie, oh, here's the other thing.

Like, Will Ferrell would be in a movie, or Adam Sandler, or Steve Carell. You just went and saw their movie because you knew it was going to be hilarious. Now, when there's a trailer for the new Kevin Hart movie, all of the great jokes of that movie are in the stupid trailer. And then you get in the movie, and that was it. Or even worse with scary movies, they'll say things like,

and you'll never guess the ending. Well, now I know it's not going to be that, guys. It's going to be that. Stop giving it away. Listen, and even with stand-up comedians, stand-up comedians now have to go on all these internet podcasts and promote their new special, and they use jokes and stories that end up in the special,

and they're the funniest jokes. Come on. Let's bring some mystery back into the world, like dating again, right? Let's bring some mystery back and so now here's my thing whenever i see a trailer for a movie i just don't watch it i just don't watch it because i don't want to know if i see a trailer for like a stand-up comedian i don't watch it i don't want to know i want to be surprised i want things to be

mysterious so stop ruining trailers stop ruining. Stop ruining it with these over-told trailers. And I know this sucks for comedians especially because they've got to come up with all this new material. But you basically have to come up with one set for the show and then another set for all this promo. Otherwise, you burn all the material and it's not as funny anymore. And I know that's frustrating and annoying, but that's where we're at. So everybody, let's bring some mystery back into the world

yeah can you just say that after you say bring anything back no maybe if it was 2002 nope we're bringing sexy back mystery back funny we're gonna bring it all back scary back and somebody has to go

yeah after every one of those things that's the new rule that is a fantastic album I just gotta Gary Beck, and somebody has to go, yeah, after every one of those things. That's the new rule. That is a fantastic album. I just got to say that. You know, I've never heard it. Okay. We'll talk about it later.

All right. We're done with that. All right, let's go to the phones. Let's talk to Caleb down the street here. Caleb from Nashville, Tennessee. What's up, Caleb? Hey, how are you doing today? Man, I'm doing so good.

How about you? I'm doing so good. How about you? I'm doing good. I was just listening to you talk. You sound funny to me because I'm used to listening to your show on two speeds, so your voice sounds a lot lower. Hey, puberty's wonderful, man. It's good. Hey, I did that. I had my thing at either two speed or one and a half speed when I was listening to podcasts.

And I'll never forget the first time it accidentally, I bumped it, I guess, and it went to one speed. And I was listening to somebody and I was like, what is wrong with them? They've had eight bottles of Benadryl. What's going on? And it's like they were talking. So yeah, it's cool just to have a regular voice, man.

Regular voice. What's up, Caleb? How can I help, man? All right, so a few episodes ago wait hold on hold on hold on about I bet I'm a disaster to listen to at two speed I bet that's a lot well it takes about 30 minutes to listen to your show it's it's pretty interesting but I get quite a bit out of it still so my wife is always looking at me saying hey slow down we're all right here you don't have to talk so fast.

I can't imagine. I'm going to listen. I'm going to try. I don't listen to this show because I'm on it. I'm going to try to listen to it at two speed. All right, Caleb, I'm interrupting you. Go ahead, man. You just blew my mind a little bit.

All right. So what's up, brother? All right. So a few episodes ago, you were talking about sleep and needing to get seven, eight hours of sleep, nine hours of sleep. My schedule has me where I'm waking up around four o'clock in the morning. And I don't usually get to lay down any at all until about 10 at night. I'm a bivocational pastor. And so my early mornings start around five o'clock teaching online English.

And then I also am a father of six kids. Woo! And I don't have a staff at my church, and so trying to figure out, is there a way, what I was thinking is, could I get six hours of sleep and maybe catch up that other hour throughout the day? Is there a way that that would be healthy? I'm trying to get healthy. I'm like way overweight.

Okay. So I'm trying to just really get to where I can be healthy. Man, dude, you're a stud, like on five different levels. Looks like you are holding together a church and a community and a family and yourself and you're trying to make it work. And I honor that, dude. That's awesome. So back me up a little bit before we get to the sleep stuff, because I'll answer that question directly. You say you want to get healthy, man. You're way overweight. Tell me about that.

All right. So I'm 42 years old, 339 pounds. And so a couple years ago, I had a surgery. I was at 443 pounds. Okay, man. So I lost about 100 pounds. Yeah, pounds yeah good for you brother so trying to trying to still be there I've got it my youngest is two years old and I'd like to be around with his kids awesome so so have you always been a big guy or is this something the last 10-15 years oh

you always have been okay and how did you come to have a heart for caring for other people so much? It's basically because of my dad being in the ministry. I saw him. He worked in the prison jail ministry, and I saw him do a lot of things for people. And it just gave me a heart to want to help people out a lot. Awesome. And you're good at it too, aren't you? Well, I don't know about that. No, you do, Caleb. Are you good at it? I guess.

I guess, I guess, yeah. No, I bet you're real good at it. So what do you love about helping other people? Well, on the ministry side, I love seeing people where they're growing and of course people getting saved and uh people growing in their christian walk and things like that um what is something about seeing the lights come on there you go whenever they're in yeah i was coming out of that situation less about the destination or the goal what do you love seeing in people when they –

and I love the way you said that, just when the light comes on. Suddenly they start seeing freedom or peace or they can make some life changes. They can change directions a little bit, right? They've been walking in a dark tunnel and suddenly they see the light. So you like being with people during that process, huh? Yes. And what about your – you got six kids. How old's your oldest?

16. 16. 16 to 2, right? Yes. Wow. Okay, so tell me what you love about being a dad. There's just so much. I enjoy spending time with them,

which I don't really get to do a lot of right now, but I love seeing them grow up. And of course, same thing with their, as they're maturing and growing and them getting involved with the, with wanting to help people and do things and just seeing that being passed down to the next generation of people that's wanting to be involved with helping people no matter what. And I just love seeing them grow.

And the fun that we can have, I can be silly with my kids and I can't be with anybody else. I can be with my family. How come you can't be silly with anybody else? Well, because it's probably a little bit, although and my church they let me be a little more silly than I used to be so they've actually pulled me out of my box quite a bit I'm quite a character most of the time but when I feel like tense or pressure then I tend to put on a good what I think is a good game face so So, you and me are neighbors. I don't know you, but you live in my community.

And I have spent a lot of time with folks in your situation. So, I'm setting that up to say, can I be super direct with you? Yes. As though you and I are just hanging out, having a burger here in town, and you looked across the table, and I smiled at you and said, you want to go? And you said, let's go. Is that cool?

Yes. So when you feel like you are putting pieces of you away so that you can put out this image that you think other people want. And then they simultaneously see a 400 or 340 pound guy. They see a guy who's exhausted. They see a guy who is getting from thing to thing and sits down when he comes in. They see through that facade, right? Right.

And as much as you want to be pretending that it's all good and you've got this under control, there are not just the weight part. There's the other parts that make their way out. That's number one. The bigger thing is, my bigger question for you is what is it about all these other people? And I bet it's hundreds, if not thousands,

not to mention the fact that you're an awesome dad and you love your kids. What is it about them that is more important to help and love and serve than in you? For them, I want to do whatever I can for them. They're the future. I'll give everything I can for them. And you're exactly right. And you're even giving your present. So what is it about you that's not worth that same amount of investment, that same amount of care, the same amount of concern about the future? I don't know. I guess I'm too busy.

What are you busy from? What are you running from? You're asking some hard questions. I know. I told you, man. We're just having a burger. I know. So here's what I've spent years behind closed doors with doctors and lawyers and ministers. Yeah. And you've probably heard me say this over and over, but addiction is addiction is addiction. And we point fingers at drug addicts and we point fingers at sex addicts and pornography addicts and, you know, whatever addicts.

Yeah. whatever addicts yeah we don't point fingers at busy addicts especially those who are making a million dollars or especially those whose addiction is helping other people so i don't have to face myself in the mirror and when i look at somebody who has struggled with caring for themselves and has even gone to the lengths of i need get surgery. I've done a hundred pounds. That's a huge win, brother. That's awesome. But then the next step is this stewardship of myself, this stewardship of this one precious body that I got, that when it's okay, when it's firing on all cylinders, is going to make me so much more available for everybody else in my world that I'm interested in caring for. It's hard to slow down that addiction to busy, that addiction to helping others and actually sit down and look in the mirror and say, what is it about me that I don't think is worth taking care of?

Right. And so I ask you that. What is it about you? Because you sound like an incredible guy. You sound like a great father. My guess is you're a great husband. My guess is you're a great community member. What is it about you that Caleb is like, you know what, Caleb's going to come last? I don't know.

I've always struggled with low self-esteem, I guess. Yeah. And so. And you've been a big guy. I've always wrestled with. Theesteem, I guess. Yeah. And you've been a big guy. I've always wrestled with. Did people beat you up about it when you were a kid? They teased you when you were a kid? Yeah, about lots of things, but that was definitely one of them. What else did they make fun of you about?

Well, I was also, in school, I was the president of the Bible Club. And so, of course, that didn't exactly make me the most popular. So you were a nerd, theesus geek and the yeah and the the overweight kid what else what else right well i i don't know there's a lot of those were the big ones hey come on caleb we're already in it now baby what else well i they didn't teach me so much. It was more of myself putting pressure. And anytime I would go with my dad when he would preach, and I would sing or play the trumpet for him, and there would always be someone that would say,

well, you did good except you didn't quite get this right. And so always trying to help. But in the end, it made me a bigger critic of myself and what I'm doing than it did really encourage me to help me. So I've become a bigger critic. Would it ring true if I said it sounds like sometimes your desire to do ministry, your desire to help other people is a continued desire chasing down validation. Yeah, you're right.

I've been told that. Okay. Whenever I see somebody who's struggling with caring for themselves, and that is not just, that's not a weight number, okay? It's somebody who I see in their eyes or who tells me privately i would love to love to love to get on the floor and wrestle with my kids but i can't get back up i would love to love to love to go run around in the yard with my kids but i can't i can't run i would love to love to love to have a bowl of ice cream with my kids but if i have one bowl i'm gonna have 17

and so i just can't even go there um when i see that it makes me wonder how i can help somebody turn that dial to where they can look in the mirror and say you know what i'm worth being well i'm worth putting on my oxygen mask i'm worth dealing with the stress cycle and letting it run itself through so that i can wake up and be whole for, right? And so having six kids and being a minister with no staff, my guess is money's pretty tight around your house. Is that fair? Yes. Okay.

So you're working 18 jobs to duct tape this thing together right now. Is that probably right? Yes, pretty close. So sleep becomes a hard priority. Then health becomes a hard close. So sleep becomes a hard priority. Then health becomes a hard priority. Then time becomes a hard priority. And then that whole cycle. And then money becomes a hard priority.

And that thing just loops on itself. Until at some point you pull the plug on it and stop. And you say, I'm going to scorch earth this thing. And I'm going to build from the floor up the life i want to have the life i'm worth having not the life that i'm just tripping and stumbling towards until i'm just going to collapse there at the end right what i want it for more than anything in the world is for people with hearts like yours to have a full night's sleep. To have people with hearts like yours to have a bananas awesome sex life. Hearts like yours to have a bananas awesome experience with their kids.

Right? Not saying you can't at 330 pounds. You can have all those things. But you're calling me and I'm hearing you. You want something different. And so the question about sleep is a secondary question or a fifth down the road question to Caleb's worth being a steward of himself. And my guess is if you did some, when's the last time you went and saw a counselor? If you never have, that's okay, brother.

I was like six, seven, eight, ten years ago, maybe. What sent you to counseling back then? It was an addiction I had that I struggled with pornography years ago. And so I went and my wife was with me the whole way. She's just a wonderful lady. But we went together, marriage counseling, and the Lord brought us through that, and it's just, the Lord's really helped,

but that was the last time that we've been. Did you trade that addiction for something else? Uh, no, not necessarily. I guess I got more into the helping more people trying to get more busy doing things. There you go.

So, so I would say, um, sometimes you, I meet folks who, you know, were addicted to drugs and then they get addicted to running marathons. One is infinitely healthier behavior, but sometimes you're not dealing still with that root that says,

hey, man, you're allowed to just sit down, right? You're allowed to just go for a walk and play with your kids and move around and roll around in the grass. Not to say running marathons is bad, right? But sometimes we switch, and that's why I'm asking. Because I've jumped addiction to addiction before to addiction before and it wasn't until I got to the root which was

I think I suck it was when I dealt with that that then I could work my way back up your wife's a pretty awesome lady huh? yeah not pretty awesome she is just awesome what does she tell you? Oh, she's, yeah, not pretty awesome. She is just awesome. What does

she tell you about you? She's great. I'm sorry? What does she tell you about you? She is a, she reminds me kind of a lot like you. She's very straightforward. And so she, she encourages me to a point and then she realized i'm having a pity party and she'll just say hey you just need to get up and and go on and i'm here for you she does a lot of service to help take take off some of the pressure that i have uh she's a stay at home mom and takes care of all the things there around the house and of course keeping me on track is is a thing in of itself but is she is is she as much your a maternal figure in your life as your wife oh my you're not my wife or my mom no i'm saying is your does your wife also function quasi as a quasi mom too oh uh does she make sure your laundry's done and you're where

you need to be and your meals are made and that you hey i need to make sure to some degree to some degree but not necessarily okay um because i'm very i'm self i can do that but more like keeping me on hey you know there's you got an appointment you got to do you know you got a meeting and things like that okay um so here's here's what i want you to do caleb i want you to today and this is gonna if you got time this is gonna be a hard thing i'm gonna ask you to do okay i want you to get by yourself for about an hour and i want you to sit down with a pen and a pad not a um you know what I don't even care if it's a laptop that's fine if whatever works best for you but I want you to write seven-year-old

Caleb a letter and I want you to write him a letter from 42-year-old Caleb I want you to write to Caleb and let him know the things he should have heard about how, yeah, he's a big boy, but you are awesome. And you are doing the best you darn can at the trumpet, for crying out loud. I want you to let him know that ministry, helping others, is not a performance. It's not a way to get validation because you don't need validation because you're a good kid. What you need is a hug. You need somebody to way to get validation because you don't need validation because you're a good kid. What you need is a hug. You need somebody to tell you that they love you. I grew

up in the house. My dad was a detective half my life and a minister the second half of my life. I've grown up in that world. And it can be exhilarating and it can be really tough. Right? And until you get to the very core here,

that Caleb is worth being well and wellness is an action. It's not a, it's not a, it's not a state of being. It's, it's a way of living. And then you begin to say, do I got to get up at four o'clock in the morning to do this one little thing

so that I can do that one little thing so that I can stumble into this thing? Or am I worth the full night's sleep? Am I worth going for a walk every morning and every evening because my breath is worth it and my body's worth it and my kids are worth it? Am I worth laughing my head off and being silly? Because that's just who I am. I'm a silly guy. And if they don't want to hire me, then so be it. I'm a silly guy. i'm respectful and i show up and i do good work and if that doesn't if that's not enough then so be it and can i be intimate and hold my wife's hand during the day can i am i worth being a steward of my body and being intelligent and smart about what i put into it not because i'm trying to hit some arbitrary number that's gonna make me feel good but just

because i deserve to feel good and when people chase numbers on the scale they can get there right there's that old tony robinson like you can go to the hospital and have them remove a leg you can get to that number overnight that's not what we're trying to do how can you lean in and slowly live a life of just being well and then to answer your original question no, naps are good 20 minute naps

can be really really good but you're aiming for 7-8 hours whole so if you've got to get up at 4 you've got to go to bed a little bit earlier and you've got to lean on your kids and say you've got to go to bed a little bit earlier. And you've got to lean on your kids and say, hey, we're all going to bed a little bit earlier. Now you're 16, you're a 14-year-old, their cycles are going to shift, they're going to stay up a little bit later, and that's going to be the way that is.

And forcing them to go to bed at 7 o'clock is going to be a nightmare for everybody, especially for them. But your 2-year-old should be in bed early, right? Your 4-year-old should be in bed early. All of them should be getting 10 or 11 or 12 hours of sleep. And so it's not saying, hey, I've got all this stuff to do. How do I manage sleep into that? It is, how do I do all these other things and honor my body and sleep well and honor my relationships?

So here's what I want you to do. I want you to write that letter, and I want you to get somebody close to you that you can be honest with, doesn't have to be a counselor. It can be. And I want you to do the hard work of saying, I'm Caleb. I'm worth being well, and I want to go all the way back. I'm going to mind this thing, and I'm going to be well. I'm going to be free of any and all addictions. I'm going to help other people because they deserve to be helped,

not because I need to, because I have to. I'm not going to go back to pornography addiction because I'm not trying to run from anything. I'm trying to hide from anything. I'm not going to be addicted to food. I'm not going to be addicted to fill in the blank because I'm just a guy who's a steward of his body. I'm a guy who's a steward of his family.

I'm a guy who's a steward of his job, I'm a guy who's a steward of his family. I'm a guy who's a steward of his job, of his church, of whatever it is that you're doing. And that starts with you believing that you're okay. And that usually starts with having a community of people around you, somebody that will look you in the eye and say, we love you just because you're Caleb. Right? I'm so proud of your bravery. I'm so proud of your call. I'm so proud of you walking this journey. And here's the thing, you live in my community, come down and see me at the office one day and we'll sit out here in the lobby and have a cup of coffee and talk. I'd love to catch up with you, man. And feel free to come on down and we'll set that up sometime if you ever want to just come and hang

out. I'd love to meet you in person. Hey, I want to take a quick break and talk about something important, your mental health. If you cannot find an in-person counselor in your area, or you can't afford one, I've got a solution. I've partnered with BetterHelp for customized online therapy for you. Video chat, phone, or even text chat counseling with licensed therapists that are going to help you become a better version of yourself, Help you get on the road to being well. Go to betterhelp.com slash Deloney for 10% off your first month. This is less expensive than traditional therapy, and you're worth it. Betterhelp.com slash Deloney.

Take care of yourself. Start today. All right, let's go to Emma in Austin. Hey, Emma, what's going on? How can I help? It's going pretty good. I mean, I say pretty good, but that's what everybody just jumps to, right? So not well, right? Not well. I have had a rough couple of months and it just seems like the thing, I don't know, just I need

to say the hits keep coming. But I need some help trying to find a corner in the circular room that I can start to try and rebuild where I'm at, where my family's at, where my marriage is at. So walk me through what's going on. Where I'm at. About, let's see, no, not about, over, there's a lot of stuff leading up to this, but a little back story is when I was 24, my father passed away suddenly. When I was 26 or 27, my daughter had to have emergency heart surgery and ended up having to have five heart surgeries. And then, anyway, my father passed away right after I was married.

Then my daughter needs all these surgeries. Fast forward to now today. Okay, so that was like 10 years ago. So you're 37 now? I'm sorry? You're 37 now? No, I am, yeah, 40. 37 slash 21, right?

Yeah, exactly. Perfect. Okay. I'm not. Perfect. Okay. I'm not answering those questions anymore. So, over Thanksgiving, my husband, who has been, I knew was an alcoholic, but he never admitted it, finally admitted it, and we stopped drinking. Okay? And so, that's good.

It's great, right? I mean, I've been so proud of him. And that's something that I'm just, you know, it's the one thing in my life. And I'm like, this is good. But at the same time, you know, it's been a struggle because, you know, he has to go through all of these, these challenges. Um, and then in January, um, uh, I found out I was doing some research because I've been taking over our finances, and I found out that he had stolen approximately $72,000 out of our 401k. Whoa. But that's over seven years, like $10,000 a year that he was sneaking and stealing and, you know, just to buy, technically to buy the booze and to buy other stuff that he wanted and he always told me it was called gun money where i thought he was buying guns fixing them up and selling them

and i really just gave him full you know like i trusted him i really trusted him um and then recently like in the last couple of weeks he he got an offer oh he he quit, so he was in the alcohol industry. And now he's, he went and then he switched over to olive oil or another commodity, which I was like super excited about, but he wasn't happy. And now he just got a new opportunity to take a job in the alcohol industry again. But he says it's his dream job. And I told him that I was, you know, had my reservations and he took it anyway. So, but the problem with the job is it's like five and a half hours away. So, we have to move to be there. And I feel like it's just a lot. I mean, that's just

in a short period of time. Like, I mean, I don't know if I've ever, I mentioned my father and my daughter because I don't know if I ever got over that you know so it just feels like everything is like what I could have put away to the side I may have to deal with now and all of this with my husband how many kids do you have? we have three children. How long have you been married?

18 years is gonna get right to it. Is your marriage over? I don't, I don't know. I don't think so. You don't think so,

but does he think so? No, he doesn't think so. He is 100%. Let me ask you this way. You've let him do for a decade. Yeah.

He was an alcoholic, and you knew it, and you let him do. Well, he was functioning. Yeah. It was more like, hey, I'm going to go sit by the fire and drink until I fall asleep. Right. So, like I said, you knew it, and when you're married to an alcoholic, that impacts your intimate life. That impacts your sleep life. It impacts your, well, hey, that's just dad life.

It impacts your kid. It impacts everything. Even if they're a functioning alcoholic, it impacts everything. And it just becomes that's just the way he is, but you knew it. And I'm not blaming you. I'm just laying it out here so that you can see his perspective. He's been able to do whatever he wants. And then he just made an extra $10,000 every year,

taking money from the family's future to do whatever he wants because he's been allowed to do whatever he wants. And here's what I know. I'm not going to blame you. I'm not going to shame you or anything like that. One month or two months, if my wife's like, hey, I got some extra this or something, cool. That's $1,000 a month.

That's $800 a month or whatever. Over 10 years. And so he robbed you for 10 years, and you chose to look the other direction for 10 years. And now I'm not blaming you. I'm just saying, from his perspective, for 10 years and you chose to look the other direction for 10 years. And now I'm blaming you. I'm just saying from his perspective, he runs this house. He does whatever he wants whenever he wants, right?

And now he's just taking another job that's going to kill him, that's going to go back to the way things were in another town. And you know what? Y'all are just going to get in the boat and come along because that's the way it works. And so when I ask you, is your marriage over? That's what I'm asking you. And what I'm saying is, is it just going to be the way it was? Or is this the moment when you say no more? Because if it's the way, if it's just the way it's going to be, then it's just the way it's going to be. And if you're going to say, you know what, not this time. I'm not moving this time.

I'm not. I'm not going to go back to having you be an alcoholic, work in this environment. I'm not going to just pretend that you didn't put us in the hole $75,000 times compound interest over a decade times over three decades, which is a lot of money. It makes me sick because I'm all about financial stability. Right. And you had to be about financial stability because you weren't about relational stability. Your dad, poof, was a vapor, right? You almost lost your baby several times, right?

You lived in the shadow of a functioning alcoholic, right? And so financial security became the thing you could control. And even that slipped through your fingers, right? Exactly. And we're living in our dream house right now. I'm trying to fix it. And during all this time, we knew we needed to do foundation repair on it. So I started all this foundation repair.

He's working Monday through Friday, five and a half hours away. Good news is he's living with his parents. And his parents and I are kind of on the same page. They don't know about the embezzlement. They do know about the alcohol. What did he say when you confronted him about the money? He took full responsibility. And I asked him, I said, I think you need to research and find out how much it is.

I said, but you need to know that I'm going to research and find out how much it is. So he researched and found out $32,000. When I researched, I found out the $72,000 because I'm really good with finances and I can find out when people are taking money. I know, but listen. Okay, so let's pretend you and I are having coffee and I showed up. Okay. And I said, my husband's stealing from me. When I called him on it, he lied about it. He went on this big, I'm so sorry, expedition. I'm going to find out how much. He lied by half. He's been an alcoholic.

He finally got away from it. And then he just packed up and moved five and a half hours away in with his parents and took another job. What would you tell me? Emma, your marriage is over. It's on the rocks. It is drowning. This isn't the rocks. It is drowning. This isn't about foundation. This isn't about money thievery.

This isn't about... It's about... Y'all are living two completely separate lives. And you've got a picture that you are taking bits of information and trying to... Put it this way. It's like a puzzle and there's missing pieces and so you have a piece of construction paper underneath this puzzle and you're coloring it in trying to make it the puzzle work together and it's not because he keeps taking more pieces because he

can take whatever he wants and at some point you got to get in a car and y'all got to meet probably with somebody and you got to just put it out there and say, do you want to be my husband? Because if you want to be my husband, this is what this is going to look like. Right. I do want to have a relationship with him. I just want to be able to work this out.

I mean, I just... But he's got to be able to want to do that too. Yeah. He says he does. He says he does. I know, but then he... I know, but behavior is a language. Yeah. He says he does he says he does I know but behavior is a language yeah

he says he does and then he took a job five and a half hours away moved in with his parents and got back in the alcohol industry yeah the reason he also took the job is because it makes more money sure great the money that he took but listen when I wasn't well my wife and I took a $70,000 household pay cut

to move to a new city and I took a new, when I wasn't well, my wife and I took a $70,000 household pay cut to move to a new city, and I took a new job so I could get well. So she could get well, so we could heal our marriage. I don't care how much money he's making. I don't. I'd rather him quit and go work at Starbucks and rebuild

himself and your relationship from the floor up, together with you. Not be further deceitful not be further selfish not further put you guys relationally back even further in order to chase down this money and try to get it back and man no way jose dude you got to just somebody's got to throw the flag on this deal, turn all the lights in the stadium on, and y'all got to walk out and meet at the 50-yard line and say, what are we doing? I want to be your wife.

You say you want to be my husband, and here's the world we're living in. Because a team who has, here's the other thing. After he stole from the family stole from your kids future stole from y'all's future and then lied about it and then took another job you'll have to rebuild something new you're not just going to get back to the way things were and by the way the way things were were no good he was a functioning alcoholic that you let do whatever he wanted to do you guys got to build something new. And then he packed up and moved and left you to deal with the foundation and

three kids and, and, and, and, and. So y'all have to get in a room, excavate what was because what was is gone and decide, do we want to get an architect and an engineer and a builder and build something new? And if we do, what to get an architect and an engineer and a builder and build something new? And if we do, what is that going to look like? That's going to look like a couple that makes five-hour moves together, decisions together. We take new jobs together.

We raise our kids together. We rise and fall with your sobriety together. You don't conspire with his parents to keep an eye on him. He's a grown man. He can do what he wants to, and he's been able to forever. So here's the thing. Your marriage, it's not over. I shouldn't have said it like that.

It is on a ventilator. It's on a ventilator. It is gasping for air. And I want to see you turn all the lights on in the hospital and pull the hoses out and say, we're going to make this thing right. All right. Thanks for that call, Emma.

Y'all got a lot of work to do. Let me know how that journey goes. But make that call this weekend. Let's get on it. Okay. All right. Real quick. I got this email.

What is catastrophizing? It's one of those geek words that I use sometimes. Here's what catastrophizing is. Plain and simple, it's when you dream up, think through, look at one headline, another headline, one Facebook post, something that your friend tells you at the water cooler or grabbing coffee or texts you, and you come up with the worst case scenario that could ever happen,

and then that scenario becomes fact back underneath you. So, for instance, man, home prices have risen 15% in my local community, and we just printed and gave away, I don't know, a couple of trillion dollars, just because we just gave it away. Just mail it to people's mailboxes because we just make up money in America. And if you read some reports, the COVID stuff has fallen off the map. The world's opening back up. It's going to be a race. And if you read some reports, we overheated the economy by printing money and we're going to have a big collapse. We're going to have. So here's the thing.

Catastrophizing is looking at that data and saying, I got to get chickens and a cow and a bunch of bullets because it's all coming down. It's the end of time. Or last night, a tornado warning came through our community. And I got the little buzz on my phone. I could have. My heart starts beating when that happens. I grew up in Houston. There's a lot of hurricanes.

So I've been through some bad storms. Catastrophizing is, oh, my gosh, we're all going to die. How am I going to, and I start planning out how I'm going to tell my in-laws that my wife and my kids have passed away. I go to the worst case scenario becomes true and I start acting on those things. And they're not true most of the time. They're not. So here's two things you can do to push back against catastrophizing. Number one, call it out. And if you can't call it out, run ideas by a buddy. A few years ago, I called my buddy who's a banker, Todd, and I said, hey, I think it's all coming down. I need to move all my stuff into gold. I need to move all my stuff into bullets and guns and coffee and beef. And he said, hey, just so you know, if it ever goes down to where we are trading gold and cigarettes,

your neighbor will have tried to shoot you for your water. And it'll be a whole different, I was like, oh yeah, it would get real. He's like, we would have no food. You'd be eating your grass in your yard. That's catastrophe. Having somebody in your community that will bounce your ideas off of you. The other thing is turn off noise. Turn off nonsense. If you've got somebody in your life that's always like, oh, did you know?

Did you know this? Shut up. I'm cutting that off. I quit reading the news. I quit watching the news because the news sells catastrophe because it makes me go back and it makes me go back. There's parts of my brain that are always searching the environment for catastrophe to keep us alive. And that's what news sells is catastrophe. It doesn't sell facts.

It sells catastrophe. So I cut it out. I cut it out. If I have an economic question, I get to sit by Dave Ramsey on a show. So I ask him, hey, is this real? And he's like, that's not real. I say, is this real? And he's like, yeah, that's real. Pretty scary. Or I call my friends who are doctors or lawyers or, and you've heard me talk about that before. So cut it out, right? Cut it

out. We like to catastrophize and think through plans because it feels like we're doing something. We're not. We are sending our body into fight or flight we are pulsing these chemicals through our body that are slowly killing us catastrophizing kills us slowly long tail suicide i just think about the worst thing ever so get a group of people around you that you can bounce ideas off of that you can go back and forth with it can say no that's a big deal we worried about that. And yeah, I guess we could all get hit by a tornado tomorrow and I'll die. How about we plan for that when it happens? I got a will. I've got a group of people who love me and let's plan for that when it happens. Until now, let's just sit

down in the basement with our flashlights and play flashlight tag with the kids. How about that? Right? So you get to choose whether you meditate and focus on these things. So that's catastrophizing. All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to Esther in New York City. What's up, Esther? Good morning, Dr. John. It's a pleasure and an honor to talk to you. I'm delighted by your existence.

I listen to your podcast all the time. Thank you for sharing your time and wisdom with us. Oh, my gosh, I can't believe it. I'm on the show. Hey, you're my favorite person ever. I'm like, oh my gosh, you're the best. Thanks for calling. So what's up? You just made my whole morning. What a joy. Thank you. You make my morning a lot, so I'm glad that I can do the same for you. You did. What a joy. So how can I help you?

Thank you. So my question is, what is your advice for newlyweds who didn't have a good model for marriage growing up? So my husband and I recently got married. For me, our relationship had the ideal progression despite unideal circumstances. We were introduced by a mutual friend and we went to the same parties. We were purely platonic friends for a couple of months got interested in each other not too long after the friendship began not to make it weird became official then we got married admittedly the courtship process was fed up from us being the only constant constant in-person interaction we both had he's my first and my last boyfriend. Uh-oh. So, hold on. Just so everybody can hear.

I can tell in your voice, you are a laser of passion. Is that right? I guess. You're the center of the torch, right? And then the world shut down, and you could see no one, no people in New York City. But then you saw this one. And all, go ahead. We actually got together a few months before COVID started.

So I think I got a good apocalypse buddy. Ah, there you go. And then, man, that laser burned on one dude, one time, all the time. And he was a great absorbent of that laser. And that thing burned hot and fast quick. Is that right? Yeah, I think it was survival of the fittest in terms of relationships in 2020. The fact that we got married after being together that intensely, like, we made it, I guess.

I guess that was a good litmus test. All right, so how can I help? The high wore off. Is that where we're at? No, it's not that. It's actually me just wanting to make sure that we spend the rest of our lives together as much as possible. I love it. Thank you.

A challenge I'm experiencing is that we're an interracial and an interfaith couple. And our mothers have strongly expressed their disapproval of us getting into an interracial and interfaith relationship throughout our lives. We have a lot of differences. He was born and raised in New York, and I grew up in Asia, and I moved to America when I was an adult. And I'm still getting used to the New York culture and American life. Similarities we have, we both don't have anything to do with our parents anymore. So for me, it's making our marriage feel very lonely

in that sense that we didn't have a good model. So in both our cases, one parent passed away due to terminal illness and the other parent is no longer in our lives, no longer has any bearing on our lives in fact i've totally cut out my living parent because it was so toxic around them that i actually had to run away for my physical safety so yeah my husband and i both grew up in religious households in which religion was justified was used to justify abuse. So personally, I've experienced the whole shebang, really,

the emotional, physical, everything. That's actually why I had to run away from home. And it made me, quite frankly, hate men. The fact that I got married, it's really a miracle. Or, you know what though, Esther? It's not a miracle. It was a life raft. And when you walk through all of these challenges that you just put out there, a interfaith, interracial, parents have abandoned you, you're still getting used to a new culture, you are an abuse survivor, You are a religious abuse survivor. You still have some faith. He's got no faith, whatever. You guys have got high together. You guys got high and you tried to solve all of your problems with one another and one another

can't solve each other's problems like that. And that got intense and that got quick and that got heavy and that got wah! And now it's getting very, very real. So here's what I want you to think through, okay Esther? This is one of those things like if someone says, hey how do I lose weight? You just go diet and exercise. Sounds really simple, but it's really hard. Okay? Are you ready? Yes. Alright. You, number one, have to get some models in your life. You've got to invest intentionally in couples who have been married longer than you that you want to emulate. It'd be great if they were interfaith. It'd be

great if they were interracial because they could understand some of those complexities that y'all are going to have to navigate together. But having a couple of models would be ideal. Here's the second thing. You guys have to get some community. You're going to burn each other up because the other person cannot handle, I lost my mom because of you. I lost my faith because of you. I'm losing part of my culture because of you. I'm losing part of my ethnic and racial heritage because of you. That will melt each other. You're a laser beam. And my guess is he is too. Or he's a recipient of a laser. And at some point that just burns. So you got to get other people in your life, whether that's, my preference would be some really close, wonderful friends that you can share life with and ebb and flow and move with.

And here's the last thing. Y'all have to do really hard work building a picture of what tomorrow's going to look like and practice living into it. Here's what I mean by that. You guys were on fire. Y'all practice safety, right? Is he a good friend? Is he a good buddy? Is he a good romantic partner? We're practicing safety. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Then you achieve safety. You said, that guy's safe enough, I'm gonna marry. He said, she is on fire and I love her

and she's safe enough to marry. Now here's what you have to practice. You've gotta practice desire. You have to practice doing things that are going to make you uncomfortable, but he is going to love and he's going to have to do vice versa. And when I say uncomfortable, I mean, I want to yell and I want to scratch him. I want to punch him in the face. I'm not going to do that. I'm going to hug him. He knows that he's going to want to call his mom and he's not going to do that because you've asked him not. So when I say uncomfortable,

I don't mean unsafe and I don't mean violating any of your your boundaries i mean you each other each other each of you are going to wake up every day saying how can i practice intimacy practice desire how can i make sure that kitchen is spotless how can i make sure that laundry is done how can i make sure that lunch is made? Whatever those little tiny tasks are. And that comes from, you learn those from models. You learn those from deep conversations. You learn those from developing a picture of what tomorrow is going to look like. Where do you want to be? What's the marriage model you want to have? We want to have laughter. We want to go dancing. We want to make decisions together. We want to have children that are going to grow up safe

and loving life, but also know the harmful realities of living in New York as a biracial couple, as an interfaith couple. We want kids who can navigate different faith perspectives, but also land on this one place. We want all those things. And then you just got to reverse engineer it. That means we have to talk about faith. When we run into cultural differences, we're not going to blow up. We're not going to go to war. We're going to sit down and say, huh, in Asia, we did it like this. And he says, well, in New York, we did it like this. How can we make this work for both of us? And it's going to take a process of learning. It's going to take a process of somebody calling saying, hey, we're in a bad dance.

We're in a dance where we've looped back into old patterns. I'm calling it. Let's throw the flag. Let's all back out, right? Let's go back in it again. Let's go back in it again, and you're going to practice and practice and practice, and this is something you're going to practice forever,

and there's going to be seasons when the desire is rich, and he's the hottest guy. It is going to burn, and Esther's going to be back on fire, and there's going to be days that you desire is rich and he's the hottest guy. It is going to burn and Esther's going to be back on fire. And there's going to be days that you are cold as ice and you're going to have to practice. You got to practice. And then he's going to say something or you're going to do something and that safety is going to wear thin. You have to practice safety again. And you're going to have to, this is the dance of relationship. And I want you to know that if

you do practice it and you do find good models and you do have good community and you do take care of each other and you take care of yourselves, it's all so worth it. It's all so worth it. You end up at whatever day your day here is done. You have no tread left on the tires. You've laughed every laugh you're going to have. You've hugged every hug you're going to have. You've had every romantic night you're going to have. Your kids have had every celebration and every heartache and every heartbreak,

and you've grieved deeply and deeply, deeply, and you've risen from the ash, and he's watered that ash so that you can rise and vice versa and vice versa and vice versa. But it starts with a community. It starts with a model. And it starts with you and him sitting down and saying, where do we want this to go? What is it going to look like specifically?

Where's the TV going to go? Where are we going to look like specifically? Where's the TV going to go? Where are we going to live? How are we going to talk to one another? And then we're going to reverse engineer that and get there. And I love your heart, Esther. So good, so good, so good. After you have that first conversation, call me back and let me know how that goes.

All right, as we wrap up today's show, I'm just going to get right into it. It's one of the greatest albums of all time, the greatest songs of all time. And I know my friend Preston here thinks they are awesome. They just are what they are. 1997, self-titled album, Third Eye Blind. This is the background, and it goes like this.

Everything is quiet since you're not around. And I live in the numbness now in the background. I do the things we did before. I walk Heights Street to the store, and they say, where's that crazy girl? You don't get drunk on red wine and fight no more. I don't see you anymore since the hospital. And the plans I make still have you in them because you came swimming into view and I'm hanging on your words like I always used to do. The words you use so lightly, I only feel for you. And I only know because I carry you around in the background and I'm in

the background. And words, they come and memories all repeat. And I lift know because I carry you around in the background and I'm in the background and words, they come and memories all repeat. And I lift your head while they change the hospital sheets. And I would never lie to you. No, I would never lie to you. No, I felt you long after we were through the plans I make still have you in them. Cause you came swimming into view in the background. Who doesn't like them? Idi's who preston this has been the dr john deloney show