The Dr. John Delony Show - Husband's Mental Health Issues are Stressing Our Marriage

Episode Date: July 19, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   I'm having a hard time telling my Christian parents that I'm dating a Jewish girl My sister is still deeply grieving my mom's death after four years My husband isn't being open with me about his mental health struggles Lyrics of the Day: "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" - The Darkness   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: marriage, relationships, boundaries, faith, family, grief, trauma/PTSD, sickness/illness, depression, substance abuse, suicide/self-harm, sexuality/intimacy, ADHD   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.`

On today's show, we talk about losing your faith and how to talk to your parents. We talk about mental health challenges when you're married to somebody who's struggling. And we talk about extended grief after the passing of somebody's mom. And several of these calls have some major plot twists. Stay tuned. Hey, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. Man, it's good to see you. And I can't even see you. So it's good to hear. I can't even hear you. It's good to be with you. Man, going through all my automated responses here. Hey, this is a show about mental health, about wellness, about relationships, relational IQ,

about trying to do the next smart, good, best thing that you can. How to deal with your parents, how to deal with your kids, all of it. Talking about your life. It's a call for you and about you. Real calls from real people. If you want to be on this show, if you want to be on this show, give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or you can go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K, johndeloney.com slash ask.

All right. So, hey, James, I had a – for those of you who don't know, new to the show, James is the producer of the show. He sits behind the looking glass, Alice in Wonderland style. Listen, I know both you and me have different parenting than some of our other friends. So I live by the old Homer Simpson quote, which is one of the coolest things about having kids is to teach them to hate the things that you hate. I think that's just fun. Unless it's like other people, then it's ridiculous and evil. But since my son was little, every time we would drive by and see the golden arches of McDonald's, I would just tell him like, oh, that's disgusting.

Oh, and we all would boo it. And then his sister came along and now they just do it no matter what. I could be not even paying attention, driving down the road, rolling, rolling, rolling like Limp Bizkit. And then all of a sudden I hear this, and I'll just stop. Like, what's going on? So I thought that was part of our funny family lore. And then my son comes home the other night. He's 11 now. He's hanging out with his friends.

They went to like a minor league baseball game or something. Some dad took him. Some awesome parent says, hey, I'm going to take a bunch of 10-year-olds and 11-year-olds to a game. That's a saint. They don't even have to go to church. They're just in. So my son comes home. I'm like, hey, what'd y'all do? How was it? And he said, it was great, fun. I said, what'd you have for dinner? And he said, well, I just had a couple of french fries. I said, why? I gave you some money. And he goes, well, they all went, they drove through McDonald's. And I said, why? I gave you some money. And he goes, well, they all went, they drove through McDonald's.

And I said, well, did you eat? And he goes, no. I told him I just didn't want to support that. That's amazing. No. I see you laughing back there because you understand. Part of me was so proud. Like, you're exactly right.

I don't want to support it. And part of me was like, dude, eat a cheeseburger, man, with your friends. Be a human being. He's like, I don't want to partake like it's cocaine. It was like, hey, dad, listen, we were all hanging out and it was just a few beers. And then Billy whipped out the heroin. And I was like, hey, I remember what Nancy Reagan said, just say no. And so he just said no.

My kids, we were at this church meeting yesterday and they had soda there for lunch. It was like they had lunch provided. And we just don't really drink soda. They like LaCroix. They kind of think that LaCroix is soda. And so they thought that soda had alcohol in it or something like the kids couldn't drink it we didn't we never told them that but they just got in their minds like soda

was not for kids so they would see kids at school and be like oh my gosh so we're like guys you can have like we need to let them have some soda so they can know what it's all about so they had some dr pepper today and they realized it was the best thing ever and so so here's what's gonna happen our kids you and mine they're gonna get to college and their friends are gonna be like hey listen let's do a whole bunch of shrooms and they're gonna first think we shouldn't do that and then they're gonna remember my parents told me that uh mcdonald's was the scourge of the earth and dr pepper would kill me and those ended up being incredible or their rebellion will be going to mcdonald's and just getting like a supersize with the coke

and that'll be their rebellion we way undersold this thing they're not gonna do shrooms they're gonna go to sonic this is we're geniuses kelly your kids go to mcdonald's no actually mcdonald we don't i can't tell you the last time we've been to mcdonald's and my son has always been that he's like he saw the pink slime video years ago. Oh yeah. And so he's like, I'm not eating that. But I mean, he'll knock out a hamburger like nobody's business, but he just, we're just not McDonald's ears.

Our family with two, but me and my son can punish them Taco Bell. All right. So let's go to the phones. Let's talk to Michael in Dayton, Ohio. What's up, Michael? What's going on, man? Hi, John. How are you? I'm outstanding, Ohio. What's up, Michael? What's going on, man? Hi, John. How are you?

I'm outstanding, brother. How are you? Doing well. Good. Mama taught me that you couldn't have caffeine until you're 18. Awesome, man. So what's up? So I was calling.

So a little background. I grew up in an evangelical Christian family and grew up distance from that. And now I have a girlfriend who's Jewish, and just the difficulties of explaining that to my parents and navigating that. So you say, like, so you're not practicing Christian anymore? Not particularly, no. Okay, cool. So then you met somebody who's Jewish, and have you talked to your parents about it? Have you not told them? What's the deal with that?

So I have mentioned that, but I haven't really told my parents that I'm not practicing religiously. It just kind of always felt like I could at least performatively maintain a religion just to maintain peace in the household. How's that working out for you? Definitely causes a little bit of tension for myself. Yeah, dude. The more you have to perform or be dishonest or lie to your parents in order to keep the peace, the more that will leak out in other areas.

In counseling, we used to call it leakage, which sounds like it's a dirty diaper. It kind of is, actually. But it will find its way out. It just usually comes out in real inopportune times. It'll come up in some huge blowout or they'll find out and then suddenly they'll realize you lied to them for 10 years and partridge in a pear tree, right? So when you say like they kind of know, what does that mean? So I have mentioned to parents that she's Jewish and that matters to her.

And I've just kept on, my mom's thought that, oh, you know, she'll become a Christian too eventually, and it'll work itself out that way. I think the way I could phrase it. So how can I help? What are you asking me? Um, I think for me, the, um, challenge is how to approach this while maintaining a relationship with my parents. And also to this happened a long time before I met my girlfriend. I don't want my parents disliking her and seeing her as the reason why what happened. That's exactly, dude, you're a wise man. So the longer you put off this conversation, the more their existential angst of your choice of religious practice or non-religious

practice will be dumped on her. And so I mean, is this somebody you're going to marry? You're going to spend your time with her? You like this girl? Okay, that's awesome. So here's what you got to do, man. I don't see a way around it. And how old are you?

I'm 27 right now. Yeah, I think it's a, I know people in their 40s. I know someone who's almost 50 who will say things like, hey, don't tell my parents, but – and I'm thinking, dude, you're 40. What are they going to do? What kind of weird stuff is going on? So you're 27, man. You're a professional. You're growing up. You're about to get married.

I think it's time to take them out, right? You're carrying a bag of bricks here. Every time you're with them, you're not able to fully be yourself. And I do think there's a, before I tell you what I think, like what I would do if I'm in your situation, what I have done if I'm in your situation, just with different things, is this. There's a difference between being authentic and not being dishonest. And then there's a, but you can do that. And then there difference between being authentic and not being dishonest, and then there's a, but you can do that, and then there's just being an idiot, being a jerk, right? So, the difference of being, sitting down and saying, hey, listen, I love you guys. I want y'all to know that I'm so grateful for the house I grew up in. I'm so grateful for you too. I know and honor your Christian faith. I haven't been there for years. And it's not anything y'all

did. You didn't screw anything up. Where I am right now in my life, that's not a part of my life. And I want you to know, I still carry with me the lessons of character. I still carry the lessons of how to treat people right with dignity and all those things that they taught you, right? And I want you to expect them to be heartbroken about that. If they truly have a religious belief that they are staked in the ground is the truth and the right way and partridge in a pear tree, they should be disappointed, right? They should be heartbroken about that. And let them know, I want to keep our relationship strong. I want to continue to be here. And then this is where the respect part comes in.

That's when you don't badmouth them for going to church. That's when they, if your mom says, hey, when you come visit us, we'd like you to come with us, that you can go, right? If it becomes offensive and heartbreaking, then that's a whole other conversation. But does that make sense? There's a balance between being honest and then being an idiot. Absolutely.

I was like, I still in a way see religion as good, just not some of the exclusivity parts. Okay. So that's question. That's conversation. Number one. And I think you have it at the same time.

The next part of that is I really love this girl. That's conversation number one. And I think you have it at the same time. The next part of that is I really love this girl. The Jewish faith is a big part of her life. I want you to know that she's going to be a part of my life. I hope so much she can be a part of y'all's life too. I have these pictures in my head of our Christmases and our teaching, teaching you guys what Hanukkah looks like. I've got these pictures of what Thanksgiving, all the different, you know, whatever. I'm just making up as we go here.

But I want you all to know the expectation won't be that I'm going to turn her into something that she's not. And I hope that you guys will still love her just like you would my, any other wife that I brought home. And then here's where it's hard for you, brother. They get to choose what they do next. They do. They get to choose and they can say,

then we disown you. We hate you. You're not our son anymore. I don't think that's going to happen. That happens all over the world, by the way, but I don't think that's going to happen with you. They are going to have a season of mourning. They may want to take you out again and talk to you about it. They may send you books and tracks and all of that is them trying to do the best they can to love you in the ways that they know how, right? And so if you can, it may be annoying, it may be frustrating, it may be whatever, but it's him just trying to love you. And if you can honor them by letting them love you, even if it's in weird ways, then so be it. But they get to decide what they do

next. And that's the hard part of any sort of relational truth-telling, right? It is. You seem nervous that you're going to lose them. Do you think they're going to bail on you? I don't think so. It's just I know that I'm going to be the different one from the rest of my family. You've always been the different one, Michael. Haven't you? Yes, I have.

Yeah, see, it's nothing nothing new you're just calling it out that is true i think sometimes it's just i think you have this conversation sooner rather than later um you're gonna it won't feel good but you will be lighter you'll move through the world lighter you'll be able to look your mom and your dad in the eyes and know that you're telling the truth. And if you do this in a respectful, dignified, and honorable way and not choose to go to war because you're uncomfortable, man, that's the best way to treat people with dignity. I love you and I care about you. And I've come to some different conclusions in my life. And I'm going to continue to love you and honor you and be respectful. And I'm asking you guys to give me that same honor and respect and dignity back.

Right? And by the way, you're about to get a new daughter-in-law. And I hope you will love her and be hospitable to her and invite her in your home and learn and ask questions. And tell her, tell your soon-to-be fiance, soon-to-be wife, hey man, we're going to teach, we're going to love, we're going to learn. My parents are going to stumble through this for a while and we're all going to be on the same team. My brothers and sisters are going to stumble through this and figure it out, but we're all going to be doing this together, right? That's how messy family disagreements plus different beliefs plus all the stuff can end around

end up sitting around a table all eating all sharing all still loving loving each other even though we end up on saying on different sides of issues right religion's a tough one man but michael be honest be truthful be yourself and be respectful brother that's the best you can do right now all All right. Hey, thank you so much for your call. Hey, stay tuned. We'll be right back with the Dr. John Deloney Show. All right.

Let's go out to Fort Myers, Florida, and talk to Rebecca. Hey, Rebecca, what's going on? Hey, Dr. John. How are you? Oh, I'm just peachy. That is the universal sign, universal word of kind of crappy. I've never met somebody who says, I'm doing peachy, and they actually are doing great. So what's going on, Rebecca?

How's your world? Oh, my world is very busy right now, but that's okay. So I am calling because four years ago, actually four years ago, the day before Mother's Day, I lost my mom. Oh, my God. Yeah. How'd she pass away? Not of natural causes. Oh, okay. Yeah. It was very traumatic to our family because you know um

and so there's four of us siblings and everything and you know some of us seem to deal with it okay but my one sister she's like really dwelling on it. And I mean, like, I understand like people grieve different, but I think she's getting obsessive. She's drinking. She's like, she's just being really obsessed about it. And, you know, it's like I got into the point where like I don't want to get sucked into the drama of it. And, you know, it's like I'm trying to figure out how to deal with her because, you know, me and her are the closer in age. And we grew up and we went through a lot together. And it's like, I don't want to completely shut her out, but I'm at the point of like, I want to, because I don't want to get sucked into it.

Especially when she probably said to me, well, you don't understand. You didn't lose your mom. And I'm like, wait, she had me, one, two, three, four of us. But okay. I don't understand. Wow. Okay. So real quick, when you, when you say she didn't die of natural causes, I mean, did she take her own life? No. Um, I mean, to be, I'm okay with it. So I can be frank because it's just when I tell people, they kind of get really weirded out about it. Have you ever heard my show? Yes. I listen to you guys religiously, I would say.

Yeah, there's not a lot of weird left. So go ahead. So, okay. So my stepdad who basically raised me and, well, me and my sister, that's our stepdad. And then our and my sister, that's our stepdad. And then our brother and sister, that's their dad. He has schizophrenia. And so after 20 some years, he had an episode and he ended up stabbing my mom to death and then calling the police saying that he murdered his wife.

Okay. So, yeah. So no, when i save natural causes i mean yeah you know gotcha okay so this was a exclamation point trauma right this isn't a trauma like somebody passed away from cancer this isn't somebody took their own life this is something that was a violent, horrific evil. Okay. And so you said you and the other two of you, is it brothers and sisters, all sisters?

Yeah. I have one brother and I have two sisters. Okay. So one of your brother and one of your sisters, y'all have dealt with it okay. When anyone says I've dealt with it okay, I call bull crap, but tell me what that means. What does I've dealt with it. Okay. When anyone says I've dealt with it. Okay. I call bull crap, but tell me what that means. What does I've dealt with it? Okay.

I mean, well, like, okay. So my brother and my sister, that's their dad. Right. And all that.

And, you know, I mean, we kind of like knew, okay. Like he was sick and stuff, but I mean, like we always like knew when an episode was going to happen because,

but he never hurt us or my mom or anybody he always it would like try to take his own life so when this happened this way it was a big shocker to all of us so but it's like okay you know we're just I guess we're at peace with it but her she is not at peace with it. When you say you're at peace with it, what does that mean? I mean, like, I know where my mom is, like, you know, I know one day I'll see her. You know, I probably cried maybe three times over it. I did grief sharing, and I did not care for the grief sharing

because once you get to my story, everybody wants to hang on it because, you know, every day you meet somebody that's in that situation. Usually people die of sicknesses or something like that. It's sensational my story. Everybody wants to hang on it because you don't every day meet somebody that's in that situation. Usually people die of sicknesses or something like that. It's sensational. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I didn't want to be sensational.

Okay. So when you say, this is four years ago, so you were able to tell me about it and you laughed a little bit before. So you're able to talk about it without your eyes welling up anymore. You're able to have that conversation. It's not fun or pleasant. It's never something you're like, hey, guess what? But you're able to do that, right? Yeah.

Okay. And I know you know the answer to this. I'm going to ask you this question for the just the average listener all you can four years later quote unquote be on a healing path right um but you still miss your mom right oh of course like i miss her every day i mean like before it all happened i talked to her every day on the phone that's right you know because my husband is a truck driver so i talked to him on the phone then i talk to her on the phone. Yeah. You know, it was like a routine.

I want people listening to know healing doesn't mean you just don't think about it anymore and you're all good. Healing means you can breathe, right? You can laugh again. You can go to somebody's birthday party again. You can actually open a Christmas present again or experience Mother's Day again, right? Yeah. Without hyperventilating right without your body taking over so okay so when you say your sister can't she can't process it she can't deal with it what does that mean she's drinking a lot what else um well like our last year around fourth

of july she because you know she's my husband um has some issues in the past, so, you know, he's a recovered addict, been clean for eight years and all that stuff. So she's like, well, let me talk to him. Well, at the time, we were all dealing with COVID, and, you know, he's sleeping sick as a dog. And I'm like, well, he's sleeping sick. And he's like, well, you don't understand. I need to talk to him. And I'm like, you can't. So then she sent me a picture with a cord wrapper on her neck and she lives in new york i

live in florida so i had to call the police department up there and be like hey yeah good for you good for you rebecca so i did that and all that and then um you know but then like i got kind of bullied by her friends well you're not here you're you're not being compassionate and it's like well i live in florida she lives in New York, I mean, I'm as compassionate and as there as I possibly can, you know, and, you know, my husband and I were talking about it, he thinks because I have my kids and my family, my brother has his job and everything, my other sister has her kids, but my sister doesn't have anything like we do, and that's probably why she's dwelling on it.

So, answering one thing here, her friends don't get a vote on how you run your life, okay? They don't get to tell you the right way to talk to your sister, deal with your sister, etc. That's your sister, and they may know her better than you by now. They may

interact with her every day. They don't get to vote, right? If you're going to call the police, good for you. I'm proud of you. I know that was a hard phone call. Good for you. The second thing is I think there may be some merit to what your husband's saying. A key component of healing from grief over time is relationships with other people,

especially relationships where you can show up and have your good days and have your really, really dark days. And you know, you're still loved. And you know that someone is going to expect you to be there. Someone's going to expect you to wake up. Someone's going to show up when you can't get out of bed, right? That's part of the healing process. And yes, there is something about isolation here's the thing i don't really care the why here okay the reality of this situation is some people don't come back from trauma like this and i say don't come back. Some people cannot say goodbye to their mom when they die. Some people cannot let go of that feeling because if they let go of the feeling, then mom's finally gone. Dad's finally out of here.

And that's a really tall ask for some folks. And so at the end of the day, four years later, is it wrong that she still thinks of mom and gets her heart broken and cries? No, absolutely not. Everybody does that differently, right? But if she is putting her burden on you, right, then at some point you've got to let her know, I love you more than life itself.

I'm your sister. I'll always be there for you. You can call me at any time. I'm not going to talk about this anymore. Yeah. And that's just about you establishing your boundaries. And so what I would love for you and your husband to do is to come up with, hey, what are, husband, what's your husband's name? His name is Randy.

Hey, Randy, when I talk to sister and I just hang up the phone and I'm devastated or I'm all spun up or I just come to you and I'm like, hey, I need a couple of tall boys to make my day better. Right. Whatever, whatever you happen to be. Ask him, what are the things that she's told me? Or you may know, what are the things that really spin you up? And that's what you have a direct conversation with her and say, hey, you grieve how you need to grieve. I love you. We're not talking about, I'm not talking about this with you anymore.

You can talk about it with a counselor, with a pastor, with a therapist, with your friends. I am not going to continue to entertain X, Y, and Z. Yeah. Right, and that's not you loving her any less. In fact, often when people are spiraling and they're hurting, having boundaries becomes a great great gift

and if she does haul off and hurt herself that's not your fault yeah you know what i mean yeah are you the oldest i am i'm the oldest out of all of us and so let me give you another how much older are you than her how far are y'all apart I am three years older than her okay sometimes there's

this it's a nerdy psych word called transference in some ways you might become mom for her now and she needs your approval she needs you to listen she needs to whine and complain to you the same way you used to do to your mother and more importantly if she has transferred mom to you there's a part of her brain that says at any moment you're going to go next and so every

conversation becomes about how can i grab on to? How can I hold tightly onto you? Almost to the point that it strangles you, right? Or that, you know, like a little kid gets around your legs and you can't walk. It kind of feels like that, right? Yeah. And so that's just you, just like any good older sister, any sibling, any friend, any mom, any dad. You've got to develop your boundaries. And then she's going to have the healing work if she wants to do

it i do think a in this situation i've seen it over and over writing her a letter that she can hold in her hand you've heard me say that a million times writing her a letter she can hold in her hand and read and let her know i love you and i think it's time for all of us to let mom go and then if she calls you back and says you don't understand it's not this and that then you've done what you can do there and then you're going to draw these boundaries i'm not going to talk about this anymore yeah is that something you can do oh yeah i can do that awesome and if she's willing to have her call the show i'm i'd love to talk to her, too. Oh, she loves you guys.

I'll probably convince her. Yeah, have her call. And she can say, I'm the sister. My older sister's the worst. Rebecca in Florida's terrible. She wouldn't do that. But yeah, at the end of the day, how she grieves is how she grieves. There is a point.

I always am really hesitant to say someone should be over something by now. Because that means something different to so many people. What does over it mean? That you're not crying? I mean, you can be dead on the inside and not crying. You can be completely out of tears. Or you can cry every day and be totally functional. You just miss somebody.

And some people cry when they miss people, and some people laugh when they miss people, and some people are just annoying to be around when they miss people. It's different for everybody. So I'm never going to say, you've got to be over it by now. We've got to get up and get going. are just annoying to be around they miss people it's different for everybody so i'm never gonna say you gotta be over it by now we gotta get up and get going like you gotta be i'm not gonna say that but there is a moment when you have to whether it's a process whether it's a um funeral a second funeral a hey i want to get all the brothers and sisters back like we've had four years to think through this. I want us to all, we're going to let mom go. We've been all struggling with this, dealing with this in our own little ways. We're going to let mom go.

Whatever that looks like for you, have in some sort of moment, and then you've got to be around people who are going to witness your grief and then help you move on. Not move on, but help you come to terms with your new life. So yeah, reach out to her, tell your lover, write her a letter, and then draw some boundaries. We're not going to talk about mom anymore. Or we're going to talk about mom in this way, not in that way. I'm not going to talk about your alcohol. I've told you this to, we'd help you with recovery. I told you we'd help you with mental health challenges. I told you we'd do those things.

You're choosing not to, and that's okay, but I'm not going to be a part of it anymore, right? Thank you so much for that call, Breck. I know that's hard, and I know that's messy, and I know everybody does grief differently. At this point, you've got to make sure you and your husband are well, right? You and your husband, your kids.

So thank you so much for that call. All right, let's go to Monica in Richmond, Indiana. What's up, Monica? Hey, John, how's it going? Outstanding. How about you? I'm all right. I'm all right. Let's do this. What's up? Okay. So I'm having issues getting my husband to open up to me. He's got some mental health issues, a lot of quote-unquote demons that he's trying to work through, and I know there's something troubling him, but he's just not wanting to open up and talk to me. Cool, thanks for sharing that. So how long have you been married? It'll be two years in August. Okay.

But we've been together for five. Okay. And when you say mental health issues or challenges, tell me what you're talking about. He's got some ADHD. He's got anxiety's bipolar depression? Where he will, his days are really good, but then his bad days are bad. But he's not diagnosed bipolar? Bipolar, no. It's just the depression has good days and then really bad days. Okay. What's a really bad day look like? Where he gets, he just clams up. He uses his phone, like social media, as a coping mechanism where he will just scroll and not talk to anybody. Not want to do anything.

Not want to get up from the bed or the couch. He just stares at his phone. Just goes in the hole, huh? Yes. And what set this off? It varies all the time. It can be something minor like, hey, when I ask him, you know, can you take out the trash?

And other times it's his job. Sometimes it's a conversation with one of his family members. It's just all over the place. Was he doing this before y'all were married? It wasn't as bad. It's gotten so much worse over the last five years. And you don't know, has he been doing this his whole life? Or is this the last five years or six years?

The diagnosis came, well, he's had ADHD since I've ever known him. Yeah. We went to high school together. But the anxiety and depression have been diagnosed over the last, I'd say, three to four years. Okay. So two tracks I want to take here. First track is Talk to You, okay? Okay.

I can't think of a more devastating loneliness than loving somebody so much and them hurting and they don't tell you how or why they're hurting. Mm-hmm. And it's like you're standing over a cave just saying, hey, will you grab my hand? And they're saying no.

Mm-hmm. Right. And at some point, you toggle back and forth between being really pissed off just grab my hand what are you doing and then you also if you're like most normal humans maybe not you you spend a season blatant i must be putting my hand in wrong right it's almost this um gaslighting that's not words words, but it's in a response to actions. Like, I must not be, it must be my fault. If I just do the right way to reach down there and grab him, then I could help out, right?

And it feels so lonely. Does that ring a bell at all? A little bit, yes. And I was like, I know there's some way I can help him. Okay. I'm a fixer. Yes. But I know I can't fix everybody, but I want to help as much as I can.

Yeah. Okay. So this is especially fun for fixers, right? Yes. So the most important thing you can know is that him not talking to you, him not opening up with you, him not being transparent with you isn't about you. And fixers really struggle with that. Because in their mind, everything is about them, and they can just solve pretty much any problem if you'll just let me see all the parts to it. I'll put the puzzle together.

I just need all the pieces. Well, I've learned that I can't do that. I've learned to cut it, tone it fast, but I'm still, it's still hard for me. Well, and here's the thing. Your head knows that, but your heart doesn't. Right. And so what you are going to start doing is you're going to start getting anxious and you're going to start like anxiety and depression are on the same trend line, right? I don't like them even as two different diagnostics because they just work together so closely. And so you are going to begin to find yourself, if you haven't already, being super frustrated

and you start just scrolling or you just start checking out or you, right? You'll find yourself there because there's a disconnect between what you know in your head. This isn't about me. And your body is looking at this person you love completely shutting everybody else out. Right? And that begins to wear on your soul. Right? So here's one or two things you can do as a fixer.

That's not going to make you feel good as a fixer, but it's the best you can get. Okay. Okay. Okay. And I want you to think of his life in a, and I got this from Emily Nagoski, from a series of ons and offs. Because people who have deep anxiety, people are struggling with depression, it's a physical safety issue most of the time. So there is something in his head, something in his body that is saying you are not safe right now. You are not something about his ecosystem is saying you're out of control. You don't know what's coming next. You're disconnected. And so what folks do is they pick up their phone and stare at it,

right? They go have another drink and another drink and another drink. They go meet another drink and another drink and another drink. They go meet another lady, another guy to make them, it band-aids over this fear that they have that they're not meeting up at home, right? So all of a sudden, and then what does that do? It just compounds the disconnection and it compounds that you're not safe, and the Internet will tell you whatever you want to know. So if you're scared about something, it will magnify that fear, right?

And it just goes on and on and on, right? So what are some ways you can create as safe a home as possible at the same time not becoming a doormat. So what you're looking to do is not fix him. You're looking to create safety, create peace. Right. And then he may say,

that's, I'm, I think I want to talk about this now. Okay. So what does that look like? Sitting down with him and saying, Hey, you know what? I've been driving you talk about this now. Okay. So what does that look like? Sitting down with him and saying, Hey, you know what?

I've been driving you crazy about this whole thing. I know you're struggling. I'm not going to bother you with it anymore. I trust that you love me enough that when you're ready to talk, you know, I'm here and you know, I'll go to the ends of the earth for you. In the meantime,

what are some things around here that i could do to help make this a more peaceful home for you to come to what are some things around here i can do to um not tell you not hassle you not fix you but to let you feel that you're loved around here. And Monica, this is critical because this is the moment when people become codependent, they become doormats and you've got to go do the work on you. What does that mean? That means you have to go talk to a professional because you're married to somebody who is not doing well.

And at some point they're choosing to not do well, right? Because there is healing if you wanted to go down that road. And right now he's not choosing that road. He's not choosing you, but he's not choosing to get well, right? And you're still going to invite him to the concert and he's just ignores you or says, I'm not going. That's when you say, cool, I'm taking Susan and we're going. Because at some point you've got to begin to do the things that make you feel well,

make you connected. You choosing to disconnect from your world because he doesn't want you to ends up making everybody sick. It drowns the whole house. Does that make sense? Yes. So go to church even if he won't go. Go to the concert even if he doesn't want to go.

Be the change you want to see in your home, right? Grab books and read about this stuff. If he does go see a counselor, ask, hey, can I come with you? And if he says absolutely not, say, cool, I'm going to go to my appointment. Why do you need to go to counseling? You don't need to go. You're fine. Well, I live with someone who's struggling, and so I have to learn about me, right?

That's when you are doing these things. You are making these things you are making sure that you are whole and well right and then the next part of this whole conversation is him and so this is me talking to anybody who feels like their only friend is their cell phone the only safe place is on a couch or under your covers. Please don't choose that life. And I am intentional about that language. I know there are days people cannot get out of bed.

They can look at someone who cares about them and say, help, please. They can make that call. Even if it's an online therapist, they can make that phone call. Folks who are struggling, and I've been crippled with anxiety to where I could hardly move. There was a lot of lifestyle choices I ended up having to make. There are relationships I had to reach out to

that were super uncomfortable, super awkward, super weird. There are seasons when I've been in, I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to do it. And you get up out of bed or you reach out and you call somebody and say, hey, I'm struggling getting up.

I need some help, right? And so there is a responsibility there. Even when you think you can't do it, there is a responsibility to open your eyes and say, help me, or put both feet on the floor and take one step. Take one more step. If you're so anxious and spun out, make that phone call and go see somebody and say, help, please, please help. And I want everyone listening to know there is light on the other side

of that tunnel. There is. And it's often, sometimes the avenue to that help is sitting there right in your house, like Monica here, right? So, Monica, if we had to step back and say, what is the heightened point of tension? What are the points that are just kind of rattling your marriage right now? What would they be? Well, it's lack of communication is a big one. You know, lack of help around the house as well. Um, I'm, I'm working two jobs now cause we're following the Dave Ramsey plan. And, um, you know, I'll, I'll put like, you know, dogs need to be fed and trash needs taken out on our dry erase board at home.

As like a, Hey, these kind of need done. Um, could you help me out? Kind of, kind of that message I'm going for. And, um, I'll put a little love you kisses type little sign off on it to let him know that I'm, that I love him. And, um, you know, if I come home and he's sitting on the couch on his phone, not paying attention to our two year old, I'll kind of be like, Hey, did you at least get anything done? He's like, no.

And then I, I get irritated. I've been trying not to, you know, lash out at him or as soon as I walk through the door and I see him, I've been trying not to be like, hey, did you get all these done? I'm trying to work on myself and say, hey, how was your day? And then walk those questions in.

Are you... When's the last time y'all went on a date? It has been a hot minute. When's the last time y'all had... Or anything other than... Perfunctory, like duty... Like intimate? Well, intimacy is a few and far between.

He also uses sex as a coping mechanism. And so there's a lot of, you know, taking on his part on that, but not a lot of giving for me. So I feel a little bit used in that area. So I don't really. Monica, not a little bit. You feel a lot used. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Right. And then it starts the big cycle because absolutely you're not a jungle gym and you're not his blankie. And at the same time, his challenges are craving connection and he doesn't know how to do that verbally. He doesn't know how to do that respectfully. And that's the one connective outlet he's got, right? Yes. So I'm going to be as honest as I can with you. Your marriage is in a lot of trouble. Am I fair? Yes. Okay. I think it's fair for him to know that because I know he feels that. I know you feel that. It's full of your house. It feels like

you are more his mom right now than his wife. You are more his caretaker than his lover. Yes. Right? Absolutely. And that's a dangerous dance to get into because it's really hard to get out of that, right? Because nobody wants to hook up with their mom. And nobody wants to be romantic with their son, right? Right.

Or if that's a gross analogy for you, nobody, not for you, but for the listener, nobody wants to, I don't even go down that road. So y'all, y'all are in a dangerous dance.

It's a cycle and it goes, it'll spin faster and faster and faster. And it has been over the last five years. Right. So at some point, someone's got to turn the lights on, turn the music off and say, I'm done with this dance.

Because here's the thing. Most people don't stop the dance because they're worried about what's got to turn the lights on, turn the music off, and say, I'm done with this dance. Because here's the thing. Most people don't stop the dance because they're worried about what's going to happen. And what I'm going to tell you is what's going to happen is going to happen anyway. This marriage ends up in ashes anyway. And you just lose a lot of years of your life. So somebody's got to flip the lights on and say, whoa, what's going on here? I need everybody to go get into a marriage counselor's office tomorrow, right? I'm not going to live in a desire-free marriage any longer.

I deserve more than that. You deserve more than that. I'm not going to watch the man that I love just wilt away in the floor of our living room with a cell phone. I'm not a girl or boy, little boy, little girl. Little boy, little boy. I'm not going to let my son grow up thinking that this is what partnership looks like, that this is what marriage looks like, that this is what fatherhood looks like. I refuse. Right?

Right. How close are you to calling it? I have been within a hair's length before. And we'll have our good days and then something bad will trigger it, and he'll make me mad, and I'll just start thinking of all the past stuff that he's done, how it's all piled up. And then I'll be like, okay, well, next time is the last time that I'm doing this, that I'm done. And then he'll be really sweet and be like, we're fine. We're perfectly fine until the cycle starts again. Monica, you are teetering over the edge of resentment, and you know what I think about resentment? Yes.

You are real, real close. I have been on the edge of resentment with him before. It was so hard to come back from that. So listen, here's where you're at choose the right time the right moment do not do it in a fight do not do it on the heels of a disagreement or when he forgot to take out the trash or when he chose not to take out the trash

right set it up a moment set up a breakfast set up a lunch get some child care and say hey we gotta have this conversation now I'm worth this you're worth this we are worth this get some childcare and say, Hey, we got to have this conversation now. I'm worth this. You're worth this.

We are worth this. Our baby is worth this. Everybody involves life is worth more than what y'all are giving it. Right? You need to be married to somebody who cherishes the ground. You walk on, who desires you, who goes to war for you who laughs with you who you don't have to write chores on a whiteboard for right and he deserves to have a wife that is all in that can't wait to get home

man man man man if you are out there, I'm looking at you. If you are out there, you're struggling with anxiety, you're struggling with depression, call somebody today. Do not drown on your own. Don't, don't. You can make the call. You may not be able to get out of bed. You can make that call. If you were somebody whose cell phone is more important to you than your wife, put it away. If you're somebody whose cell phone is more important than your kids, throw it off your roof. Throw it off your roof. Your kids aren't worth your cell phone. Your husband's not worth your cell phone. They're not. If you are teetering on the edge of resentment, stop the dance. If you are spinning out of control,

stop the dance. Somebody turn off the music. Somebody turn on the lights and say, I'm worth more than this. You're worth more than this. Let's stop and figure this out. And if one of them says, well, screw you, I'm out of here. Listen, they're out of there anyway. They were out of there anyway. I hate that for you, Monica. My heart's broken for you. Turn the lights on, man. Turn off the music and let's have that conversation. Write me back. Let me know how that goes. And we'll let the listeners know how that conversation goes. It's going to be a hard one and it may not go great. You're going to have to have an or what plan. If he says, well, screw you. I'm not doing anything. You're going to have to have an or what plan. I know that you already have one. Actually, I know you do.

Hey, what a perfect song to segue with. What a perfect song to segue with. To get us out of this hard moment. There's nothing like a band who came out in the 2000s and their whole mission was to reclaim the chaos that was the 80s hair metal. In 2003, a CD, a record came from the gods and it was called Permission to Land by a little band in London

who nobody wanted on their record label but who kept selling out all these arenas because people just wanted to jam. They were called The Darkness And the song is I believe in a thing called love And it goes like this Can't explain all the feelings

That you're making me feel My heart's in overdrive And you're behind the steering wheel So bad You gotta do the voice Touching you Touching me Touching you You Touching me.

Touching you. You're touching me. I believe in a thing called love. Come on, do the voice. Just listen to the rhythm of my heart. There's a chance we can make it now. We'll be rocking till the sun goes down. I believe in a thing called love.

Right here on the Dr. John Deloney show.