The Dr. John Delony Show - I Am Desperate To Give My Family a Better Life

Episode Date: March 6, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - An overworked father desperate to give his family a better life than he had growing up - An expectant mother wondering how to prepare for the radical changes that come with having a child - A man unsure of what’s next after spending the last 10 months transforming his entire life Lyrics of the Day: "Changes" - David Bowie Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. How do I and my husband prepare for the transition to being parents? And how do I personally handle the fear of losing my marital relationship as it is now, as well as handle the fear of losing myself? There is 0% chance you hang on to your marriage as it is right now. And that's a good thing. What up, what up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

The greatest mental health and marriage and parenting podcast ever. So glad that you joined us. Listen, I'm starting to sound like a broken record, and I get that. And for those of you who don't know what a broken record is, ask ChatGPT. It'll fill you in. But, one of the greatest gifts you can give us costs no money. It costs nothing other than

.2 seconds of your time. Hit the subscribe button. It kicks the show up into the algorithms so that the digital warlords will put this in front of other people so they can see it. And hit the thumbs up or the like or whatever the new

fan dingo thing is. I don't know how to. Just say that you like it and add your five-star reviews. Such a help. Such a help. And it costs you nothing. And I'm grateful for you.

But more importantly, there's a single mom with trying to figure out what day it is and she feels lost And it helps kick the show up into her feed. She never heard of me before And um, it gets this information and your journeys in front of other people who need it. So thank you so so so much Um, do we have a whole gang out here today? Are you all in the same family? Oh, man, we're probably talking a lot about sex so this will be weird for everybody so y'all y'all enjoy yourselves um all right let's go to oh real quick speaking of that

um hang on so uh this is when uh this week uh the all these different shows coming in a row about sex and intimacy and talking about sex and sex and then more sex. And one of my best friends on planet earth, my oldest friends in the world, his name's Mike. Um, a guy that I just love dearly. He's like, he's a brother to me for years and years and years.

He just texted me and said, dude, who on this planet ever decided you should be hosting shows about sex? Have you even had it? Well, you know what they say? What's that? Those that can't do, teach.

Well played, Mike and Kelly. Well played. That hurts in my soul. And for those of you wondering who are like 25 and you're like, man, I can't wait till I grow up and then I get friends who, this is just, this is the rest of your life. All right, let's go to Will in St. Louis. What up, Will? How we doing, man? Good. Thanks for having me. Of course, dude. What's happening?

Not too much. Thanks for having me and I've been listening to you ever since you took your first call on the Ramsey show. For real? Yeah. Dude, right on that, man. I've been listening to Ramsey for a while, and yeah, I've listened to every episode of your podcast, and I really enjoy it. Dude, I appreciate that, man.

Thank you so much. My mom doesn't even listen to that many, man. You're like in the Sons of Anarchy gang, dude. I appreciate that. So what's up, man? So my question today is, how do I balance the need to provide financially for my family along with the need to be present for them? Background is I am married, married for 12 years. I have three kids who will be six, four, and two over the next few months. I grew up in a very financially unstable household. We were a blended family. I am one of seven siblings. My dad was a self-employed mechanic for most of my childhood and was a sole income provider for my family. My stepmom stayed home to take care of the family. My dad never made much money. It was never talked about directly with us, but the signs were there now that I'm older and I think about it. And I know that my,

like, I know my parents filed bankruptcy at least twice, maybe before I was a teenager. I never went without food, but now that I'm older and I looked back and I think about what we ate and everything, it was because it was very cheap meals. Real quick, real quick. I want to make sure you know this is not a math problem. And what I mean by that is this. It's very easy to look back and say, we had money problems as a kid. And so now I'm going to struggle with when is enough? How much money do I make? All those, but those are math problems questions. I need you to

know in a home with a bankruptcy, that's like living in the middle of a hurricane. And so money has made its way into your soul as the reason why dad's always angry, why mom won't talk to me, why brother and sister are always fighting. Like, you see what I'm saying? So it became, it grows tentacles into all these different aspects in your life. Does that make sense? Yeah. I kind of don't need to finish my story now. Sorry. I can't, when somebody says bankruptcy, like it, that is, it's like dropping a bomb in

somebody's home and doing it two and three times the shame, the failure, the, I'm not the dad I could have been. And most dads of that generation didn't have the word, didn't have the skills to say, Hey guys, um, I, my, my business fell through what they had the skills to do was to sit down in the recliner and yell and scream or be silent, right? And then mom's like, my husband's a loser and I got to deal with this

and I'm stuck with these kids. All of that energy gets transferred into kids. And they're left wondering, what did I do to screw this house up? Yeah. My dad was never, I don't remember him being angry.

It was more, he'd get up at like 4 a.m., go to work, work all day, come home at like 8 or 9, eat dinner, and then fall asleep on the couch. Like we never did anything because he was always working. And when he was home, he was sleeping. Right. So. And you know that, okay, we talk about your old man all day. I I'll talk about you. Okay. So tell me where you are right now. So, um, so I learned from very young age that I needed to work to basically provide for myself. Um, I mean, I was 12 years

old and I was mowing lawns, delivering papers. Same here. Same here. Same here. I was making close to 600 bucks a month as a 12 year old. Um, just hustling fast forward to now. Um, I got married at 22, my high school sweetheart. Um, she came from an upper middle class. Is she awesome? Yes. Yes. Um, she came from an upper middle class family and i thought it was my responsibility to provide for her on this uh so she had the same lifestyle growing up um um and then uh we did that the wrong way got it got into a lot of debt um and um fast uh, for the first 10 years of our marriage, last couple, we've been working on getting out of it. But, um, when my oldest was born, uh, that year I was on track to make about 28 to $30,000.

Um, and I took a job that jumped it up to 70, but that also came with a lot of work and a lot of travel. Uh, this year, um, I'm on track to make 130. Um, but I have this need in my head that it's not enough. And I, I'm, I want to call it a pathological need to make sure that we don't go backwards and my kids don't experience uh the childhood that i did and uh i can't get emotional um i can't figure out when to stop and yeah dude um so i i'm holding this up here like i wrote down on my notes, while you were talking, you need a metric for enough. When is it? That's the note I wrote myself. Okay. So you're already

there. You're already there. Let me tell you what happened in my house. Okay. Cause you and I have a very similar story. My dad never declared bankruptcy, but he was a policeman and then he switched over to become a minister. And so we were hounded by money my whole life. Okay. This idea, and I like you, I was working since I was 11 or 12 mowing lawns and working maintenance at the local church. And I was always just doing odd jobs all over the place. This year, so I spent the last 20 years of my life working in education in some shape, form or fashion, whether university or public schools or whatever. And the last couple of years when I took this job with Ramsey solutions, it's the first time I've ever had the opportunity to,

the more you work, the more we'll pay you. Like the more you create things and help other people that bring revenue in, the more you can make. And I people that bring revenue in the more you can make And I felt like a dragon was unleashed in me And it was this past you may have heard me say this. I may have talked about this on this show It was Not this christmas, but the last one I went downstairs. I was sick. I was trying to get my workout in And my wife came down and she's like, what are you

doing? And I was like, well, I got to get, I got to work out. Cause then I got to go to this. And then I got, and she said something that was kind of a shapeshifter for me. And I've spent the last year trying to figure out how to live out of what she said. Okay. Here's what she said. She said, if my life is a pie chart, your good looks, that part of the pie chart is full. Any pathological, psychotic workouts that you need to do above that is because of your ego, not because of me. And I always thought I need to be in great shape for my wife. That was a story I carried with myself. She won't love me if, right? And then she said, and while we're here, you've written two books, you've done this, you've done this, you've done this. We've made

more money in the past, however many months than our families could have ever wrapped their head around. And you won't stop. And then she said this, the, we need more money bucket is completely full. Anything beyond this is about you and your ego and what you think you need. Do not blame us. And dude, that shook me to my core because I was doing all this hustling and running and running, hustling under the guise of I'm providing for my family and I never want my kids to experience what I experienced, right? Same as you. Is that fair? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Here is the, I want to short circuit a year of your life for you so that I can tell you where I've landed right now. And I want you to know, like, I've met with wise people. I've gone to visit people.

I've read books. My wife and I have had retreats. I've done all the stuff, right? Ultimately, you and your wife have to sit down and do the hard work and it's harder than just going to get it Getting another job another job another job It's asking yourselves. What life do we want to create for our family? And that is what kind of house do we want to have as a dream? What kind of house would be great would be fun How do we want to feel every day?

Like what kind of energy do we want in our home? Do we want an electric energy? Do we want a warm and peaceful energy? What are we going for here? And then the hard work for a guy like you and for a guy like me is we have to then say, okay, I've got to stop working so much because that's cutting into what we both decide we want for our lives. Does that make sense?

Yeah. Yeah. And then the other magic is, uh, and Dave Ramsey has helped me a lot with this is keeping in mind the ratios because if you're not careful, your life will just continue to expand with the more money you make. You get what I'm saying? Yeah. And so can you get a raise and keep your lifestyle the same?

I can't. I actually have to intentionally step my lifestyle down a notch. I've got to go backwards a little bit. And so every time we have a success, I'm going to actually buy fewer things that next month. And it just helps me to keep myself honest. That's just the way I'm going to actually buy fewer things that next month. And it just helps me to keep myself honest. That's just the way I've learned to manage it. But can we keep our life? Can we stay a Camry or Corolla family through the next raise and the raise after that and the raise after that so we can build actual wealth? You see what I'm saying? Yeah. All of this circles around that word that is, we do not have a psychology for in our culture. And that's enough. Everything is built on growth, getting bigger,

getting more. Can you expand? Why aren't you, are you going to buy a business? Do you have a rent house yet? We do not have a word in our culture for enough. Cause that word feels like failure, right?

Yeah, it does. Yeah. So let me ask you, do you have an emergency fund? No, um, we're still paying off debt. I'm down to about $30,000 left out of 120. That's incredible, dude. Dude, just for a second, applaud yourself, man. Applaud you. That's incredible. Now I will tell you, this is my personal opinion.

If you owe somebody money, your body, actually, I think it's science. Your body won't let you rest because it knows. It knows you're not safe. It knows that just, it takes one layoff, one car wreck, one something, and you are right back where you were when you were 12. I believe that with all my heart that you cannot be fully without anxiety until you owe nobody any money. So what I'll tell you is keep your foot jammed into the floor until you get that money paid off. And I'm going to tell you to keep that sucker running until you have an emergency fund because I've been with you where you are. And until I've got some money that I feel safe, I can sit on for a minute, then I keep feeling like I got to

grind, I got to grind, got to grind, got to grind. So you're on the right path, my brother. You're right there. You're right there. But I'd love for you and your wife to begin to have the, what do we want this thing to look and feel like? And how do we build that world? Because it might be that you go back to making $70,000 or $ a hundred thousand dollars when you owe nobody anything and you have a full emergency fund you can kind of do what you want how does that sound how does that sound does that sound crazy it does because i don't know if i can i don't know how to switch that part of my brain off like you gotta hey you gotta it's not a switch it's not a switch stop thinking of it that way it's not on or off and it's not like a puzzle piece you're trying to find this

is training your body because your body loves you dude and it's trying to take care of you and it remembers having nothing it remembers the fights and the angst and dad that was never home and if i i don't want to i don't want to talk trash about your old man, but he was an addict. He was addicted to work. He was actually addicted to being busy because he spun his wheels really, really hard. He just never went anywhere. Right? And that tells me he worked. He was a really hard worker and also did not listen to wisdom. He was a really hard worker and didn't have anybody in his corner with him that was like what are you doing why are you doing it like that why

don't you do this because that's a guy that you point in the right direction with some grip on the tires and he's going to go really far really fast see what i'm saying yeah yeah and yeah so your body knows all that and it's just trying to keep you safe, man. And so what you have to do, it's not a matter of finding a switch. It's a matter of slowly over time teaching your body. Yeah, that was not safe. And I've got $40,000 in the bank. I don't owe anybody anything.

We're good. And if the air conditioner goes out, the biggest fight my wife and I are going to have is who's going to call the repair person, not can we eat this month? And when your body takes off on you, you're going to practice feeling it and going, oh man, there it goes. Yep, I do. I owe $30,000 in credit cards or student loans or whatever I borrowed. I'm going to get that knocked out. And then you're going to go about getting it knocked out. I will also say this, my brother, I think that the word balance is a myth. I don't think it's real. I don't think it exists. I have found great success in my life living by seasons. There's just seasons when I got to wear

a coat because it's freezing. There's just seasons when sun's out, guns out. I don't wear sleeveless shirts just because that would look like an idiot. But you know what I'm saying? There's just different clothes that you wear for different seasons. And so you're in a season right now where your body is screaming at you, we are not safe, we owe people money. Awesome. Listen to it. Run. Get that stuff paid off as fast as you can. Your kids are going to be okay if you sacrifice one more year of grinding it out so they can have the rest of their lives with parents who are stress-free when it comes to money. Now you're talking. Now you're talking.

And if you were able to get around town in a used Camry or used Accord or a used pickup when you were making $20,000 and $30,000. You can get around town with the same truck when you're making $130,000 when you're trying to meet other goals. You don't have to move up to another car. You don't have to move up to whatever, whatever, whatever. My dirty little secret is when I was making $33,000 a year, I had a 2001 truck. And now that I'm making way more than $30,000, I have a 2006 truck. And I'll buy something new at some point, but right now that's just getting me to work it back and I'm fine. And so I'm not letting my lifestyle grow concurrently with the money I'm making because I want to change my family tree.

I want to change my legacy. And all that started with a conversation my wife had with me and said, we have enough. Stop running. I want my husband back. And that's a hard, hard lesson, my friend. It's not a switch, something that you practice. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future. I want you and your wife to read that together. And I'm also going to send you all the questions for humans cards for the kids. And I want you to practice not being a dad who works so hard. He just collapses every day and gets up and goes again and goes again and goes again.

I want you to be a dad who practices talking to his kids at breakfast and surprising them on Saturdays and engaging with them for breakfast, or for dinner, or for whatever, and learning how to have conversations with them, so you learn to love being in their presence, and they love learning to be in yours. Cool. Thank you so much, my brother. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes, and if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever.

Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves.

I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch

therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. yeah hiding from my dogs um so um i have a question hold on are you a dog mom are you a dog mom say no say no say uh uh not a i used to be you're a pet owner i'm a pet owner i love. All right. So you're a former dog parent who's transitioned to pet owner. What's up? Because, yep, because my husband and I are expecting our first baby in May. You're going to be a human parent. Wow.

A human parent. Yes. Incredible. Time out. Time out real quick to the YouTubers. Okay. Relax. You don't know. I love my, I know you love your pet, you're not a pet parent

There's no such thing, you're a pet owner And that's great, I love my dog Often more than any of my other family members But I'm not a parent of a dog I'm a parent of two kids Alright, transition back to Sarah What up, okay, so you're having a kid Congratulations, when is your baby coming?

May, May 19th is her due date. Oh, it's a her. It's a beautiful baby girl. I know she's beautiful already. I don't even need to see her. So is this called about narcissistic personality disorder? So I think that you should possibly consider John as a name. That's a beautiful daughter's name. Jonna, John, John. Anyway. Okay. So how can I help? How can I help?

Um, so I guess my, my question is, um, how do I and my husband prepare for the transition to being parents and how do I personally handle, um, the fear of losing my marital relationship as it is now, as well as handle the fear of losing myself as we transition into parental roles? Such a great question. All right. To answer your first question, how do you prepare for being a parent? I want you to get a 30 pack of, of like Miller tall boys. And I want you to go stand in traffic. And that's the best, that's the best way you can prepare for what's coming. Okay. And hopefully I'm just kidding. Don't do any of those things I just said. All right. So, oh man, how honest can I be with you? I'm only calling you because I want full honesty. Okay. Um, there is 0% chance you hang on to your marriage as it is right now.

And that's a good thing. And there's 0% chance you hang on to your life and your autonomy as you know it now. And that's a great thing. Your husband's going to change. You're going to change. Your house is going to change. Everything about what you know about yourself is going to change. All of that is going to change your house is going to change everything about you what you know about yourself is going to change all of that is going to be change it's going to change and it's going

to be good you will lose yourself okay and i think this is just my personal opinion i don't have any science to back this up let's just be sitting with countless people i believe that if you take away like hormonal dysregulation and all that chaos that happens physiologically, I think one of the core mental health challenges with new parents is them trying to take their old life and somehow drag it into the future with their new kid. And what happens is you end up every second of every day, you're comparing. He used to do this and now he's like this. She used to look like this and now it's like this. We used to have this much time and my wife used to just want to make out all the time.

And now she falls asleep at 7.15. Like all those things happen and in and of themselves, they're fantastic. It's when you start comparing them to the old stuff all of the time and you create this narrative that somehow we're broken. Somehow we're not working right. Somehow we've got, just got to get back on track. Not realizing you're in a totally different train going a totally different direction now. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah, it does. Here's the best way I can describe it. This may be a terrible analogy. Have you ever been to like a water park? Oh, yeah.

Okay. All right. So I love water parks. Oh, yeah, you're in Florida. I love water parks. Yeah. I love, I hate heights, but I love the water, like the highest one, and you just shoot off and you fly, right? And you're just kind of bumping it barely as you go down.

Imagine flying off that and then grab it on and hang it on. You're going to pull your shoulders out of socket. That water is on a jet stream and it's going to blast you in the face. It's going to sandpaper your skin off. It's going to make it where you can't breathe. Or you can jump off that thing and just let go. Most people jump off that thing, especially with their first kid. And they try to hang on to everything that used to be. And what they do is they end up getting themselves hurt. Okay. So as you enter the season, if nobody's told you this and they probably have in their own weird, God, have you gotten so much crap, ridiculous advice from everybody? Oh God. Yeah. own weird god have you gotten so much crap ridiculous advice from everybody oh god yeah it's isn't it insane isn't it wild it's it's madness has your husband lectured you yet please

say yes no he's actually been great okay good hey you're you're you're a one percenter you're a one percenter dude i had people giving me advice in a in in the grocery store line like i like i don't know you. Why are you talking about my wife's body? Weird. Like it was madness, madness. Everybody's had advice and wisdom and blah, blah, blah. All right. Here's the deal. If someone tells me to enjoy the sleep while I can one more time, I might lose it. Up in here, up in here. Listen. Okay. Your body will not be your own okay make peace with that it sucks i've watched i watched my wife a few times i was like i don't i i don't know what's

happening to your soul um but feeding lack of sleep feeling like a zombie insecurity body changes hormone regulation playing hormones playing pickleball with your emotions, just going bananas, right? You're about to walk into an industry, an entire ecosystem designed for one thing, to make moms feel guilty so they'll buy crap. You are entering into that world. What kind of soap are you using? Does it have parabens in it? Oh my gosh, did you know that? And listen, the fact that I just said that, I can't tell you how many DMs I'm going to get. Like, well, here's the thing about parabens.

Anyway, you're not going to be able to rest. It's going to be chaos. And listen, that's okay. It's think about going off the water park. And there's a way to turn your mindset if you practice it, which is I'm, so tired. I can't even I don't even know what day it is. I know what time it is

What a blessing i've got a healthy kid And I get to be in this season. You see what i'm saying? There's it's going to be you practicing that mindset shift. Okay now um Here's what I think the most important planning you can do moving forward Is not about trying to predict everything that's coming because it's just so different Um, I I think i've told this story on this show my friend. Um fat john my friend john there was I had three friends and um, Uh, there was two of us were named john. So I was hyper john. He was fat john He's one of my best friends on planet, but john would he had kids first

and Whenever he and his wife's name's jen. She's like one of the greatest women on planet earth And whenever he first had his kid his first daughter He quit hanging out with us and we hung out regularly every monday night and I started thinking this is on me. I was like man. Jen is killing this guy Like suddenly has one kid and she won't let him hang out with the guys anymore or whatever and then he had another kid And he disappeared and I was like man What they need to fix their marriage dude, and then I had hank

and i'll never forget john and I were out having chips and queso and I was like, uh Dude, why didn't you tell me and he just smiled real big and he said something like say it And I was like, I I always thought you didn't want to hang out with us because you weren't allowed because jen wasn't allowing you to You didn't want to hang out with us because you wanted to sit on your couch and hold your baby And you'd rather spend time with that one-year-old than with us. And he was like, yep. And I said, why didn't you ever tell me? And he goes, because I couldn't have explained it. You just have to

experience it. And so everybody with their advice and their wisdom and their, all that crap, let that go into what, in one ear, smile, let it go out the other. Because they're trying to love you the best they can. I think the most important thing you and your husband can do is set up a structure that you commit to before you have a baby, where you have a road back to one another on a regular basis. What does that look like in real life? Every Monday night, we sit down together and say, how are you? Every Monday night we say, we sit down, we ask the same question. How can I love you this week? How can I love you for the next three days? Because that's how fast things are changing. And you are going to have to practice saying your needs out loud.

Does that make sense? Is that fair? Yeah, it does. It makes sense. At once, I mean, four times a week, we're going to have skin on skin contact. That may end up in us making out. It may be, I just need to feel somebody else's heartbeat other than that kid. I need somebody not using my body as a jungle gym. I just need to rest in you. Can we just hold hands? Let me put my hand on your chest.

Can I just breathe for 30 minutes? But we're going to do skin on skin contact four times a week right um i promise that we won't be led by our feelings but we're going to talk about them you see what i'm saying like we're going to build a structure so that as we're building this new life we keep coming back to one another and we don't end up in these other planets does that make sense that is yeah... Yeah. Okay, you talk. I've been talking a lot. Oh, no, you're good. We kind of have a system like that already.

Perfect. We, you know, we check in. It's kind of... I mean, more every day, I kind of try to start the day with, you know, we both, like, what can I do for you today? How can I help you today?

What can, you know, just, you know, something to help the other person or acknowledge that, you know, whatever you like that our needs change on a day on a, what could be a daily basis. as I'm getting further into her arrival and losing a lot more of my own, like this isn't my body anymore. Like I don't, I don't feel like myself. I'm, I feel like I'm having a hard time. I'm starting to have that hard time of like physically connecting. Cause I don't feel like I'm at my best. So I'm trying to prepare. I guess there's no way to really prepare for the fact that it's like, yeah, it's not going to be like when we got married. Like, it's going to feel the same.

What I can't describe to you on this side of it is the feelings are 10x. Like, it's hard to say, like, I promise you, and this sounds crazy, but sex will be better in your 40s than it is in your 20s that sounds insane right i promise it is um i promise in the same way you and um your husband were like sneaking makeouts between like not getting caught with your parents or whatever. I hear this from couples all the time. I'm looking at a couple right now. Like you're going to be sneaking makeouts so your kids don't catch you. And the same level of like, right?

So the same heart racing and like, how are we going to, like your life will just be different. It's not going to be less than, in fact, it's going to be infinitely better than. It's just hard to capture that in words right now. And it will be found in stolen glances and it will be found in gentle touch as you're both reaching for the same thing in the fridge. And it will be, it'll be passing moments of just looking at each other, like in

those with like, you look at him and be like, Oh, you got a whole night of sleep last night. I hope you're happy with yourself. And he'll look at you and say, oh, you get to stay in bed and hold the baby all day. Right? And you're going to have those moments. Here's the magic phrase in my house. The story I'm telling myself is, and that's how we preface the conversation.

And so I think it would be really, really lovely for your marriage and for you and for your husband to say, the story I'm telling myself is, is that you're not going to think I'm pretty anymore because I've gained 35 pounds. Say those words out loud. The story I'm telling myself is, I'm going to have a baby. You're never going to want to make out with me again. And we're going to turn into one of those couples that just never has sex and watches Netflix all the time. The story i'm telling myself is is that i'm losing control of my body and I don't know what's happening like say those things out loud In a way that's not attacking him because if you let it all bottle up it explodes like shaking a two liter, right? say it in a way that he can hear and

Um, and that's what I say. Have a structure. Don't start. Don't be like, yeah, usually we start every morning, make it put on the calendar, no matter what come hell or high water, Sunday nights, we sit down and talk. We go through our calendar. We check in with one another. The story I'm telling myself is that I was not a very good dad last week. How can I do, How can I step it up? And the story I'm telling myself is you keep saying stupid things. And the story I'm telling myself is you're actually stupid, right? Instead of I'm just a clueless dad. And I don't know, I'm trying my best. I'm reading all the books. I asked my friends, listen, Sarah, I went to all of the baby classes with my wife.

I went to all those things. I went to as many of her doctor appointments as I could. I wanted to be the super hip, ultra modern dad. Like I'm all in. Nobody told me that my kids would crap a hundred thousand times in a single day. I had no idea. I thought they'd go twice like a normal person. They don't. And so he's going to say,

God almighty, how many diapers are we buying? And you're going to think, well, if you were just around and plugged into your daughter and you weren't so busy, right? And that's how that, and then all of a sudden, boom, you create two separate lives right there. And so being able to go, yeah, he didn't know. And he actually was trying really hard. He just didn't know. And in fact, you could say, I thought they would do it like five times. I didn't know it was 19. Y'all can sit down and say, the story I'm telling myself is you're not plugged into our daughter. And he can say, I'm reading, I'm listening,

I'm talking to people. I just can't keep up. I don't know. It's all happening so fast. And that vulnerability is going to be where y'all stay connected and build something completely new. Does that make sense? Okay. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, actually. That makes me feel a lot better. So it's a weird thing. One of my great mentors, Randy Harris, gave me this analogy one time. It's like you are swinging through the jungle on a vine and you are just realizing that your vine is about to run out of swing. And so you let go and the other vine, you don't see it coming through all the leaves and trees. And you look up though, and you can see on that tree, there's a whole bunch of other people up there and they made it. So you know the vine's coming, you just got to let go and believe that it's on its way. That's where you're entering into. And the more you try to over

predict and over guesstimate and over dream about what this is going to look and feel like, the more disorienting it's going to be when reality hits. And it's very, very different. And it doesn't feel like that at all. So go off the ride, let go, head down that slide and enjoy that ride. And my gosh that was i'm basically a rapper i that was incredible um i'm also putting out a hip-hop record after this if you guys want to pick it up um i i want you to enjoy the ride and make sure you're staying plugged in to your husband the whole way with your fears with your your concerns, with your ability to say your needs out loud. And just look at the countless folks like us on the other side, smiling, saying,

dude, it's so incredible. It's so incredible. We can't wait to see you on this side of it. Let us know how your baby goes. Send us a picture and we'll make sure we announce, especially if you name it, Jonna. I think that's a great daughter's name. Thank you so much, Sarah. We'll be right back. All right, let's go to Devin in Post Falls. What's up, Devin? How's it going? Partying, man. What are you up to? Just standing outside Excited for this phone call Is it cold? Yes Dude, go inside, man

I'm not worth pneumonia Oh, no, it's fine It's nice to get the fresh air I was actually in Nashville, Tennessee This last week And the weather there was much nicer So what's up, brother? How can I help? Tennessee this last week and the weather there is much nicer. So what's up brother? How can I help?

So I've made over the last, I don't know, 10 months, 12 months, I've made a lot of changes in my life. I switched jobs, changed the people who I hang around with, quit drinking. And then I think the biggest thing is I lost, I'm at about 115 pounds now. What? You've lost 115 pounds in 10 months? Yeah. Homie, dude. That's incredible, man.

Way to go. What sparked this change? Please say my show. Please say my show. Actually, that did have a lot to do with it. It did. It did. And I'm fine.

It didn't. No, no. Your book, The Own Your Past, Change Your Future, when I decided that I needed to do something different because I'm 32 now and I was kind of at a stalemate. I can't just do the same thing my whole life. And my brother recommended it. I was kind of at a stalemate. I can't just do the same thing my whole life. And my brother recommended it. So I go, okay. Didn't really think much of it and listened to it. Picked up a little bit and a little bit more.

So I think that that helped me realize that there was things inside of me that I needed to work on, not just, oh, you need to lose weight. Like there's a reason why I was like that. It's awesome, man. Dude, I'm so proud of you, dude. was like that. It's awesome, man. Dude, I'm so proud. I came to, I'm so proud of you,

dude. It's amazing. It's incredible. Thank you. It's incredible, dude. I feel much better and healthier now. I bet you can stand outside and it's zero degrees and talk on the phone.

That's amazing, man. I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of you. It's awesome. Thank you. let's don't blow by this. Like losing weight's really hard. It's one of blow by this. Like losing weight's really hard.

It's one of the biggest challenges. Stopping drinking is really hard. I actually think underneath what you've done, the hardest thing you've done is you've changed your social circles. That's real hard, man. Making friends when you're 30 is the worst. It's the worst, right? Good for you.

That's hard, dude. You've done a lot of hard stuff, man. I'm so proud of you, dude. That's amazing. Thank you. And now I feel like I'm at this point where I want to change some more things. I want to, I guess I'm looking at my future more than I ever used to because it just, like, I see things for myself. Like, I need to be a better person and whatever. And now like with the weight loss, it was, it was easy to set goals and meet these markers. And now I'm kind of,

I feel like I'm overthinking everything. I'll look at a different career. I'm like, Oh, I can maybe do that, but there's these downsides and sorry, sorry. I'm rambling a little. No, you're not rambling at all.

It's harder for me to feel like I'm confidently making those decisions versus is this just going to be another decision I make that doesn't ultimately help me to get to where I want to be. Okay. So, man, what you are asking is such an important question that I think, quite frankly, our culture misses dramatically. Okay. I'm so grateful that you called, A, so we could celebrate your success. It's amazing. But, two, you have entered into this really important world where we don't have a psychology for this in our culture. And here's what it is. I think where you want to go, your quote unquote goals, those are important, but they're often the wrong question. Here's what I mean by that. The number of times I go work with business leaders all across the country and we get behind closed doors and we have some hard conversations about their numbers and their books and their personnel all that kind of stuff

And i'm just going to make up numbers here. But let's say it's real easy to get have a strategic planning um opportunity sit down look at your numbers Dream big come up with the b hag. They call it the big hairy audacious goal and dream big come up with the b-hag they call it the big hairy audacious goal and To say we're going to be a 500 million dollar company. That's our goal. That's what we're going to go do Come like we're crushing it. We're killing that's what that's our goal What you've accidentally done is you have set a metric That does not take into account covid or inflation or hey, we don't have any glass because of

supply chain issues. And so instead of doing the hard work, which is saying, here's who we're going to be on the way to wherever it is we're going, that's way harder to do and to see through because then what happens is you have employees that the world shifts underneath you, but you still got that $500, the $500 million benchmark out there. So they start cutting corners. They start making a little bit of a worse loan than they would otherwise. And they don't tell anybody about it. They somehow get it through committee. Hey, I'll say yes to this loan. If you'll say yes to my loan and let's go ahead and bundle and sell these loans. And now you've got people doing whatever it takes to hit that quote unquote goal. And you've had a goal, my guess is I'm going to lose 100 pounds or whatever.

If you're not careful, you start starving yourself or you start taking a bunch of not good medicine from the doctors. There's some really extraordinary medicine out there now for weight loss, but you start just taking a bunch of amphetamines and you see what I'm saying? Like you'll cut corners to get there and you start cheating in a way in days. And all of a sudden you get your number, but you don't like who you are when you get there or you get your number and everything around you is an ash. You see what I'm saying? So you have made what you've proven to yourself is that in one year, Devin can do freaking anything.

Anything. Okay. You've tackled the three big heart, the hardest things I know of alcohol, weight loss and friend circles. You get it all so in terms of like who do i want on my on my team who do i want to go into battle with you're first right because if i if if if you say i'll get to the other side of that line i a hundred percent know you're going to get there okay so you're always going to have opportunities for jobs because there's not a job on earth that doesn't want a guy like you on that team. What you've got to stop doing, but you can't seek that approval.

What you have to do is to ask yourself the hard question is, who do I want to be to wherever it is I'm going? And this goes back to identity. I'm a guy who takes care of his body. And at some point, my body's going to stop losing weight. I am going to have to, I'm going to start lifting. I'm going to try this out. I might start running some. Regardless of what those little mini goals are, I'm going to run a half marathon one day,

or I'm going to walk a whatever, or I want to bench press this much weight. All those goals are fine, but they're in service to, I'm a guy who's a good steward of his body. And occasionally, like I, that's one of my identities. Like I'm a guy who takes care of his body so that I can be a good dad, so that I can be a good employee, so that I can work really hard and show up. And the last couple of months, I think I've talked about on the show, I was finishing up a book and I had to check myself into a hotel a few times and just write 24 seven and finish this thing. In that season, I did not, was not a good steward of my body. My body worked really hard. I redlined it. And so now I'm putting money back in the bank,

right? I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm in a season. So it goes in seasons, it's all good, but it's all in service to this identity. So let me ask you, you have proven to yourself, I can do anything. Who do you want to be now? What kind of life do you want to have? Do you want to have a funny life,

an adventurous life, a life that you are just going to spend the next five years grinding it out, working really hard, making a bunch of money? Like what do you want? What do you want to feel like? I just, you know, that's a good question.

I like to help people. I kind of looked towards first responder type thing I I feel like there was times in my life where I maybe could have used some help or maybe there was people that were there to help and I didn't reach out but I don't know it just I like to do things like that

I don't know so let me tell you this so one of my identities that I've I've on, and I got this from a mentor, is I want people to be a little more peaceful after they get done interacting with me than before. And what that frees me up is if I choose to go be a first responder and just quit this job, that still applies. If I go back to working at Burger King where I worked when I was in high school, my hope is I can inject a little bit of humanity into that exchange when they're buying their Whopper with cheese or whatever. And I hope that that person's a little more peaceful, a little more joyful, a little more smiley after they interact with me than before.

And so you like to help people. I want you to go one step deeper and begin to ask yourself, how do I want people to experience me? And I want you to keep this, just tattoo this on your heart from this point forward, because you've proven all you need to prove. I want you to tattoo this on your soul. It's about identity, not destination, because you're going to end up wherever you end up. You can't do anything about the world economy imploding or like chat GPT becoming the next internet. And we all make even more money than we've made the last 25 years, right? You can't, or gas prices going up to $500 a gallon. You can't, you can't do anything about those things. Zero. And so the important energy I want you to spend is,

who do I want to be wherever it is I'm going? I want to be a guy. This is, Deb, this is me telling you. I want to be a guy that has a reputation for working really hard and always getting the job done no matter what. I want that. Okay? So that means I got to take care of my body.

That means I got to get enough sleep. That means I got to have friends and community in my corner. That also means, and I struggle with this, I got to be on time. I have to always meet my deadlines, right? So all I have to say is that's one of my, so I want you to get four or five or six identities. Here's who I'm going to be.

Here's where I want to be in this next phase. And the beauty of what you have is most people start those identities identities. Here's who I'm going to be. Here's where I want to be in this next phase. And the beauty of what you have is most people start those identities at the beginning of this 10-month journey. You did it without it. You just said, I'm going all in. So now you can create these, you can lay out these identities and begin to backfill the action steps you need to take with no reservation. You've got no governor because you can do it freaking anything, Devin. That does make sense. Okay. I was just hoping for like, you should go work in banking, right?

That has been a consideration i did some cpa classes and stuff when i was in high school got some college credits like i tend to do well in that kind of stuff i just devon i'm telling you i'm telling you right now i've hired more people than i can count i can't tell you how many people i've hired over my career i can also can't tell you how many people i've consulted over my career. I can also can't tell you how many people I've consulted, how many businesses from plumbers to colleges to all across, everybody in between. You will never long for a job

because they don't make people like you. There's very few of you out there. And I'm convinced that you could get put as a technical writer and you hate writing and you don't like grammar and you would do well. You'd figure it out. It might take a little bit of your soul. I'm really, really good at big budgets, at dealing with budgets. And it takes a little bit of my soul every time I do it, right?

Every time I hit submit, part of me dies a little bit, but I can do it real well. You can do whatever you want to. I'm going to send you, my buddy Ken Coleman has a get clear assessment that kind of narrows it down. It helps you start to link this identity with what are some things that I would be really good at. I'm going to send it to you for free. And I want you to utilize that. I'm also going to send you his book from paycheck to purpose. And that is a like, okay, I've got all these skills. Where can I go? And purpose is really, I love how my friend Jade Simmons says it. Purpose is how I, other people experience me. Purpose is what I inspire in other people.

And this is going to keep you from going like, I just need another job. I need another job. I need another career too. What were you put on this earth to do, man? And I actually don't think that's one thing. I think that's a way of being, I think that's an identity, but that's just me. Um, what was I put here to do? How am I going to go make that happen? Who am I going to be on this journey? And dude, it's, it can be paralyzing because now the whole field is open. You can kind of run where you want to run. And you've proven to everybody you're real, real fast. The question you got to ask yourself is, who am I going to be wherever it is I'm going?

And dude, I cannot wait to see where you end up. The world needs more people like you, my brother. And it's an honor to have gotten to spend some time with you. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point.

In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, the great David Bowie will take us out with his classic— No, sorry, Bowie. David Bowie. If you're from Texas, it's a Bowie knife, but I guess if you're— But he wasn't the Bowie that it's named after. This is David Bowie. If you're from Texas, it's a Bowie knife, but I guess if you're... But he wasn't the Bowie that it's named after.

This is David Bowie. That's enough of you. It's David Bowie. David Bowie. Song's called Changes. Still don't know what I was waiting for, and my time was running wild. A million dead-end streets,

and every time I thought I got it made, it seemed the taste was not so sweet. So I turned myself to face me, but I've never caught a glimpse of how the others must see the faker. I'm too fast to take the test. I'm much too fast to take the test. Changes. Changes.

Just going to have to be a different man. Time may change me, but I can't change time. I love it. We'll see you soon.