The Dr. John Delony Show - I Am Paralyzed by People-Pleasing

Episode Date: March 30, 2022

Today, we’re talking to a woman who’s been contacted by a stranger claiming to be her father after believing him to be dead, a young man who feels like he’s outgrown his closest friends, and a woman who has no idea who she is because she’s been people-pleasing as long as she can remember. A man reached out claiming to be my father; I want a DNA test I’ve matured out of my friend group, how do I tell them? People-pleasing has paralyzed me Lyrics of the day: "Kip's Wedding Song" - Napoleon Dynamite Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. My whole life, I've had this narrative from my mother that my father, who has, you know, he passed away. My husband was at work and he got a call from a stranger and it turns out he is claiming to be my father. Whoa. What up, what up? If your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,

I'm glad you're with us. And if it doesn't, I'm glad you're with us too. Right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show, we talk about mental health, relationships, schools, education, anything you want to talk about. We are here for you. So glad you're with us. Ben is running the board because James isn't here today. So it looks like we're going to have a party.

It's going to be good. Probably not really. It's going to be the same as always. It's cool. But we'll pretend. Let's go out to Claire in Cincinnati. What's up, Claire? How are we doing? Doing good. How are you? We are having a blast. What's up, Claire? How we doing? Doing good. How are you? We are having a blast. What's up? So, Dr. John, I have a situation, so I have a couple questions for you. Anytime somebody starts a sentence with, so, then I always have to hang on to the desk a little bit. All right, so what's going on?

So, all right, again, my whole life, I've had this narrative from my mother that my father is her ex-husband who has, you know, he passed away. She told me some great things about him too, that he was a parabolic, he was abusive. So that was kind of the narrative that I had. Um, and then flash forward to 20 something years later, um, my husband was at work and he got a call from a stranger. Um, he was asking questions about my father and it turns out he is claiming to be my father. Um, yeah, he offered like a DNA test. So I'm taking it pretty seriously. Yeah.

So he offered to take a DNA test or he offered to show you? I mean, how do you know this isn't just some creep of the week person? I think because of how my mother is, it would, it would make sense. Have you talked to your mom about this? No. It's very hard to approach her with things. Why? Um, I'm a pretty sensitive person. I don't like confrontation. And she is... Narcissist is a very strong word, but there are a lot of tendencies that I've seen. So it's kind of a bullying,

like no responsibility is ever taken. It's switched back on me. So my fear is if I go to her with this, I'm just going to be blamed somehow. And my trust has already been pretty violated, so I don't really want that on top of it. So here, tell me if I'm off, okay?

It feels like somebody came out of the blue and told you some things. Has he given you some convincing this is or that, or is he just telling you, hey, I'm willing to take a DNA test. I'm pretty sure I'm your dad. I look like you. We have the same color hair.

I mean, what's he telling you to convince you? So I haven't actually spoken to him yet. He called, this is kind of a red flag to me. He called my husband, not me. So I haven't actually spoken to him yet. Okay. So here's what, man. Here's what I wanted you to be careful of.

Your mom told you your dad passed away when you were young. Is that right? Mm-hmm. Okay. There's a part of you that really hopes that's not true. And what kind of story would it be if all along your dad was alive and you found him? And it sounds like you've had some challenges with your mom over the years, some heavy stuff, some hard stuff. And to the point that you don't even want to ask her, is there a chance that her story... So the idea this person could come and really fill a hole that you have, a mom and dad size hole, that the appeal of that story, just from me as a listener who just met you like a minute and a half ago, dude, I want that to be the case in your life.

And I want him to come out and be like, she told me you had passed away and here I am and all the story. And I want that to be the case in your life? And I want him to come out and be like, she told me you had passed away and here I am and all the story. And I want that to be the case. We are way, way far away from that. Right now, you've got some dude who reached out to your husband, maybe from your mom's past and is throwing a story out. So one of two things happens if I'm you. Number one, I'm going directly to my mom and saying, I am scheduling a DNA test with a man who claims to be my father. Is this possible before I go through this? Not, hey, what do you think? But I'm a grown woman who can do whatever I want to, and I'm about to do this, do you have anything you want to tell me? That's probably the track I would take. And I know you don't like confrontationalists. Confrontation has found you, not the other way around. Okay. Either you are faced with a 26,

27 year old lie, and you've been robbed of your entire life of having your father in there, in your life, or you have a psychotic, crazy person trying to get into your life, trying to weasel their way in. You hear what I'm saying? Yeah.

And it feels like the story here in your soul has spun up much faster than the data that you're working with. Mm-hmm. The other side of this, have you, I mean, does this guy want to meet you? Does he want to talk to you? He does.

So when he spoke to my husband, he was kind of, my husband was saying, you know, we're going to need to sit on this for a little bit. Contact will not be direct. So yeah, he knows knows it'll take a couple months here to reach out or initiate anything. And so what is going to happen in that couple of months? What are you going to just sit and think on besides just making yourself crazy? Well, I'm also pregnant and I'll be giving birth here soon. So that was kind of my main priority. And I think I just want to protect the family that I have already.

I don't really want to introduce this new guy if he's not worth my time or if he is crazy. Because that was something I had thought about too. You know, like this random guy, like now I'm having a child and you want to be in my life. It just, it did feel a little bit weird. The whole thing feels weird. What I don't want you to do is allow the weird to come to you. I want you to meet the weird head on. And you sounds like you have a great husband with you.

Maybe you offer, I don't know if they would do this in your area. I know some places would, that you reach out to the non-emergency police department in your area or the fire department in your area and say, a man has come out claiming to be my father and I want to do DNA tests. Would it be possible for us to do it there, where there is safety? Or possibly at a local hospital. Or I just had some blood work done, a follow-up, just doing a bunch of blood work for my doctor. And I went to a place and they said that they do paternity tests and all kinds of things there all of the time.

And they can schedule them in staggered place. I got to talking with the phlebotomist and she was fascinating, man. She sees some stuff. But she's seen paternity tests, like people get fistfights there. She's had people come in and do paternity tests and then leave. And then the next person comes in and,

and then she calls both of them back or emails both of them back with this, you know, you are not the father. You are that kind of thing. I think you can set that up and, or you can go to the local phlebotomist, which is just like one of those, you know, any lab test now kind of places. And they're on street corners everywhere. You could go in, actually do your test, and then have your husband contact this person and say, I've done, she's done her part of the test. You need to go to this place and have it done. And then the test results will be sent to her.

You could do that. And then you never have to talk to him, see him. And if this person is interested in being in your life, they can go get the test done without be sent to her. You can do that. And then you never have to talk to them, see them. And if this person's interested in being in your life, they can go get the test done without ever having to interact with you. So here's what I'm saying. There's a couple of different things. Here's what I don't want you to do.

If there's nothing, like you're not gonna have, you're not gonna talk to people. You're not gonna chase down old brothers and sisters. You're not gonna call your mom. You're not gonna do these things. So waiting two months to wrap this up is going to make you and your brand new baby nuts. Not really your brand new baby. I kind of just threw that in for effect.

But it's going to make you and your husband bonkers. Yeah. I'd much rather you see you just go meet this. Fine, I'm going to go get my test today. And dude, you've got 48 hours. You're my dad and you're about to be a grandfather. You got 48 hours. Like I would approach it that way. And I'm taking control of this here. If you hear nothing else, hear this, you don't like conflict and conflict has found you.

Okay. Great. And so I, I would, in fact, if I'm you, I'm retracting what I said earlier, I'd be on the phone with everybody. I would schedule that DNA test in a staggered thing, either at a police department, in a non-emergency police department, or at a local shop. I'd go ahead and do mine and be gone and then tell him he's got 48 hours to come do it there. And I would call my mom. I'd call everybody. I would turn all the lights on and be like, so some guy's coming out. Is this right? Because the blood test is already on the way. Mom, what do you got to tell me? I would do it like that. And if she says,

you're crazy, nothing, this never happened. Like, cool. The test is going to find out because this is bananas. And dude, call me back if you come to find out that your dad was really alive all this time. Because now you're in a whole other adventure, right?

Yeah. That's kind of what also is stressing me out too i think maybe that's the whole idea of oh i'm gonna wait these couple months because i just don't know how to deal with it um because and then the other crazier part i don't know if i mentioned this but he's been in this in the city where you know like i was living my whole childhood he was there that's what he told my husband. So there's lots of stories about strange arrangements early on. Someone might have struggled with alcohol or drug addiction. Somebody might have struggled with any number of things. And there's a handshake agreement between a mom and a dad saying,

I'll step out of their life. But they watched their life from afar. I've seen some really heartbreaking stories where moms or dads out of the picture who've been told, hey, your mom or dad died, have these real elaborate like photo albums of school clippings and things like that. They just watched their kid grow up. They just went in their life. And so that, I mean, that didn't surprise me at all.

Not even a little bit. But who knows what the story was 26 years ago? Who knows what the story was, right? And whatever story you get, well, probably mostly the truth-ish, right? Maybe. So I don't know. So before I let you go,

I don't know what to root for here. Whether I desperately want your dad to be alive and you to have the other 75 years of your life with him. Or he won't be 75, 50 more years with him. And you'll figure that out. Or, and find out your mom lied to you, just stole from you or, um, that I want this thing to be put to bed, put to rest. Which one do you want? It's hard to say for me too. I think in an ideal world I could have both of those relationships, but something tells

me, um, it's going to be either one of, to be either my mom or my dad or none of them. Because I know how my mother is. She's very extreme. Gotcha. So it would take a while to rebuild. So here's a beautiful moment. You're about to have, is this your first baby? Yes.

Girl or boy? A boy. All right. So you're about to, and I would have said, all right, if it was a girl too. I just was trying to be supportive. You and your husband, and now your new son. This family is y'alls. So nobody else gets a vote.

Not your mom, not your, this person coming out of the woodwork nobody Y'all two you all decide who else gets to speak into your life And what I'd love for you and your husband to do before you get the blood test before you start making the calls Which I hope you do today. I hope you start today and you're like, you know what? Forget everybody. This is mine, right? I hope that's your attitude. But I want you and your husband to come up with the boundaries. I'll talk to mom once a day. I will answer mom's text once a day, regardless of what happens. I will invite this man to dinner one time until we, and then I will then regroup from there. I want y'all to set some

boundaries so that when whatever happens, happens, you don't immediately get dragged underwater. That you're like, whoa, mom lied to me for 25 years. All right, we've already etched in stone here. I'm only going to talk to her once a day. So I'm going to text her and say, mom, I got the paternity test back. This man is my father. This is very hard for me right now. I will be in touch. And then I'm not answering the phone after that. I'm not answering text messages because I am in control.

These are my boundaries. These are me and my husband's boundaries. You hear what I'm saying? For 26 years, Claire, you've lived under this thumb. This thumb. And today it comes off. Yeah. Hear what I'm saying? Yes, I'm ready for that.

Today you become freaking Claire. And the thumb comes off. Ready? Right? Let's go. Let's go. Thank you. Yes.

Today is the day that Claire says, this is mine. This is my life. It's my life. I'm going to cue Bon Jovi right now, which, this is mine. This is my life. It's my life. Cue Bon Jovi right now, which would have been epic. You missed that one. It's a cool though. We cue Bon Jovi. It's your life.

It's time to stand up. Boundaries for you. Hey, let me know because I want to know how this one ends. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to

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All right, let's go to Robert in Green Bay. What's up, Robert? Hi, Dr. Deloney. It's a pleasure talking to you. It's a pleasure to talk to you, man. What's up, dude? How are you doing? Good. So my question is, how do I go about parting ways with two of my existing friends? A little backstory, I'm 21 years old. I've been friends with one individual since high school and the other for about two years, and they are boyfriend and girlfriend. And I just feel that I have complete opposite goals than they do. They are more of the type of people that like to hit up every happy hour every day. They like to go on vacations while we're young. And then buying vehicles that are $10,000 to $20,000 more than what they make a year.

And I just feel like there's a lot of negativity and a lot of issues in their life. Not saying that that's not normal, but I also don't want that to affect me in my life. And I'm just more the type of person that likes to stay in, save money, work on physical and mental health, and just focus on my part-time job, which in the end can help me get a full-time job faster. And I'm just wondering, how do I go about talking to them about my issues and how I feel towards them without sounding rude or sounding better than them, even though that's not the issue at all. Even though I, yeah, I am, I am better than that. That would have been way cooler if that's how you'd ended that sentence. So I'll answer it this way. When I graduated college, are you about to graduate now? I graduated last year. Okay. I went to a tech school.

Okay. And so are you in some sort of internship or apprenticeship? I was in an internship last year, but that just ended recently. So now I'm just working a part-time job, which gives you a little bit of a stepping stone towards getting to the ultimate goal of full-time job in this field. Is this something you have to do? Or now that you're credentialed and qualified, you can't just go get a full-time job? I applied. I'm in the fire service, so it's like they only hire really once a year because they have to go through budgets and things like that.

And the academy and things like that. So, yeah. Okay. All right. So, yeah. Okay. All right. So, here's what I'd say. When I graduated college, I—probably my sophomore year in college, several of my buddies moved out of the residence hall. I moved to one place. They moved to another. And I'm talking about my buddies, Todd and John.

And Todd and John went to different places. We ended up with like different social lives. And I'd see them out every once in a while. And it was cool and missed like hanging out in the residence hall with them and being silly. And we'd do certain things together. We'd put on boxing gloves and beat each other up once a year. You know, like stuff like that, but just dumb stuff. But by and large, they had separate lives. We just kind of faded out.

And then I graduated and I ended up moving back in with them for a few months. And they came through in a way for me that forever altered my life. And that's it for a different story. But then I moved and I was gone for a few years. And then I came back to visit and I had an interaction with Todd. And I was like, dude, what and then I came back to visit and I had an interaction with Todd and I was like dude what what happened to you man just kind of turned into a dork and he was like dude you kind of turned into a dork and yeah we just kind of moved on well then fast forward I moved back to that same city um a year or two later and then slowly but surely we you know then now I'm 23 24 we started hanging out every Monday night.

And then John joined us. And then another guy joined us. And fast forward 20 years later, that person, if I got fired today, if my wife passed away, he'd be my first phone call. Yeah. John would be my second. So here's what I'm telling you. Two things that are important. Number one, you're in a season when everyone starts shaking the snow globe.

Right? I'm trying stuff out. I'm thinking you are trying out what does laser focus and workout and nutrition and reading all of the cool books and listening to all the cool podcasts and going to bed. You're trying that out. And they're trying out, let's live our, you live our YOLO best life in our 20s. And here's the uncomfortable truth. Both of y'all are gonna have scars when it's over. I spent my 20s in grad school like a nerd

and I ended up with a couple of doctorates. I did a lot of cool stuff, but I missed all the fun nights, like just being stupid in 23 because I was so crazy working. And then my buddies who were like, yeah, bro. And they were like, just getting their club. Like, dude,

they all still have the same degree and they're kind of circling the same jobs, not taught in job. Those dudes are crushing it. But here's what I'm telling you. I, I wouldn't write off lifelong friends. I would create some space. Okay. Because my guess is y'all have more in common than you think. They're figuring out who they are. You're figuring out who you are. And it sounds like they need more of you in their life. And it sounds like to some degree, you need some of them in your life.

Yeah. Like you probably could use to go out and have some fun every once in a while. And they probably need to not make stupid purchasing. You hear what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. So, do you feel like you have to have, and I hear this a lot from 21, 22, 23 year olds, in a way that I never felt this, but times have changed, clearly. Do you feel like you have to have some

grand announcement, or can you just slowly fade out for a season? I feel like that I can slowly fade out. I just didn't want them that I can, that I can slowly fade out. I just didn't want them to think something was wrong. And obviously if, if they came up to me and approached me and, and asked,

um, like, why haven't you been coming around? I mean, I probably would explain, but I didn't know if I should just kind of take a step back from everything for a while and just let them do their thing. Or if I should like,

be like, Hey, this is what's going on. This is what I'm going to do. Like I'm going do me For right now And you do you I think I would Leave out the you do you part

I want this Because here's what You're kind of trying to do You're trying to look For reasons why You want to live The life you want to live You hear what I'm saying?

So instead of Standing on two feet And saying I really want to Use my early 20s To get way ahead financially I want to use my early 20s To work like crazy On my career I want to use my early twenties to get way ahead financially. I want to use my early twenties to work like crazy on my career. I want to use my early twenties to get ahead physically and create some habits physically that are going to last me the rest of my life,

spiritually and mentally, psychologically. Like you don't feel comfortable enough with this track. So you feel like you have to say, it's because I don't want to be like that. You don't need that part. You know what I'm saying? So if they say, Hey man, where you been? Be like it's because I don't want to be like that. You don't need that part. You get what I'm saying? Okay. So if they say, hey, man, where you been? Be like, dude, I'm just trying, I'm in a season of trying to crush it right now. And I'm sorry, I've been MIA, but I'm all about like trying to figure out my job and my fitness and my mental health

and all that kind of stuff. And dude, that's on me. I'm just going. You can leave it there and take full ownership of your choices and decisions. And you mentioned something important to hang on to this, okay? You said, I don't want them to think something is wrong. But something is super wrong.

Right? Yeah. You don't like them right now. And that's okay. I still think you probably love them. Or you wouldn't even care about having this conversation. And so, man, there's a season my wife doesn't like me. She still loves me.

She doesn't like me. I can be pretty annoying, right? And same with my buddies, Todd and John. I'd go, we'd go hang out, watch the fights, get into some philosophical social issue debate. I'd be so pissed. I'd go home. I wouldn't sleep.

I'd be raged out. And then we're back together next Friday, laughing and talking about other stuff, right? So that's just what good friends do. I would just go about doing my life, man. And if they reach out to you, great. Like, Hey, I think I am going to go out tonight, but I don't think it needs to be some stand at the edge of the, you know, of the Capitol steps announcement. Hear ye, hear ye. Does that sound fair? Yes, it does. How long have you been friends with them?

Since high school with one of them, and then just the last two years with the other. Okay. Man, this is heartbreaking to hear, but these kind of relationships will come and go in your life. And a few of them will stick around forever. Many of them won't. Or you'll see them in a mall somewhere or on a ball field, and you're like, oh, hey, man, what's up? Like, that'll happen, and that's cool. I would just hold them loosely, man. Hold them man, what's up? That'll happen and that's cool. I would just hold them loosely, man. Hold them loosely and then you focus on you right now. I will also tell you this

before I let you go. Do not do this next season of your life by yourself. Cool? You have to have other people, whether that's getting together once a week, whether that is having coffee in the mornings, whether that's older than you, same age as you. I don't care what it is. Don't just crush life to the exclusion of community. Because I've spent my career working with 30 and 40 and 50-year-olds who quote-unquote made it, and they are completely and totally alone. And all of your success is in vain if you don't have people to live your life with. Is that fair?

Yes. That's awesome. Hey, brother, I'm rooting for you. And congratulations on making wise choices when it comes to money and your physical fitness and stuff like that. That's fantastic. Don't forget to smile and laugh a lot too along the way. We'll be right back.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes, and if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest,

a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept

all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost.

Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. You box of Cracker Jacks. Let's go to Giselle in New Orleans.

Is it Giselle? Yeah, you said it right. How are you, Dr. John? Yes, I was about to say Giselle, but I said Giselle, and I like it. I get that all the time. It's a beautiful, beautiful name. So what's going on? How can I help? Hi. So yeah, I guess my question is, sorry, I'm a little nervous too. Oh dude, I'm super nervous. You've heard, I'm not very good at this and Giselle is a wonderful name. So I'm out on the thin ice here. You're good. Um, yeah, I guess my question is, um, I, uh, have really been struggling with, um, people pleasing for as long as I can remember. I'm sorry.

I'm choking up a little bit. No, it's okay. It's okay. Tell me about it. Yeah. Um, man, it's just, it's just hard to even know, even know who I am sometimes because I feel like depending on who I'm talking to or people in my life, I'm trying to be who everyone else wants me to be or not hurt people or be a burden to them. I don't know if that's making sense. Hey, big time. And it breaks my heart. Who told you this? Who modeled this for you, that this was the way you needed to go through life?

I guess for as long as I could remember, it never felt safe to be vulnerable or share how I felt. Was that mom or dad or both or a brother or sister? Where did that come from? I hate to put it on my parents. I would say my mom, if I'm being honest. Yeah. And yeah, it just sucks. I'm struggling in relationships, with friendships, and I get all the time people saying, Giselle, you're way too nice. You don't speak up.

You don't say what's on your mind, and I just feel paralyzed. Yeah. Somewhere, so I want to free you from something, okay? I bet you and I could sit down over a cup of coffee, and you could tell me some stuff about your childhood that would haunt me. Is that true? Not from a traumatic abuse kind of thing, but some things that your mom said that are still firmly planted in your soul. Yeah. And was your dad in the picture too? Yes and no. They had a great marriage and they're great parents. I think it just felt very emotionally absent. So here's what I want you to hear me say. Trauma is acute. And I know that you're like, whoa, it's not trauma.

When moms lodge personality issues into you, or when you are responsible for making sure mom is happy or not angry or not exhausted or not tired or not stressed, that is a weight that a child is not strong enough to carry. And when there is another parent figure in the home who doesn't reach over to help, that's trauma too. Trauma's both the things that were done to you and the things that should have happened that weren't, that didn't happen. Hear what I'm saying? Yeah, I hear what you're saying. And I in no way want to just sit here and bash on your parents. I don't know their life. I don't know what's going on. But what I want you to do is this. I want you to draw the string from where did my body learn to cycle down? Because now that you're, how old are you now?

28. Okay, you're 28. And the way it comes out now, the advice you get, the Pinterest and Instagram scrolling that we do now tells you, you just need to fill in the blank. And it turns into a character issue or a moral issue or a strength. Like you're weak or you're not strong enough. Why are you not letting just standing up? And what I want you to hear me say is your body's acting on your behalf. Your body recognizes that when somebody throws out a strongly worded sentence and you object to it, you better be quiet because it's safe here in the silence. Or when a guy starts putting you in a situation that you're not comfortable with,

go along for the ride. It's just better for everybody. Just don't say anything. Or when your boss says something and you're like, what? Well, that's not even my fault. Just, it's going to be fine. Just right on my own to something. Yeah. I just like, I definitely agree. It's either paralysis or it feels like, well, if I just lie to avoid this conflict or to tell the person what they want to hear, then I'll be okay.

That's right. Even if it's not the truth. And so if you take your, like the alarms going off in your body, and sometimes we call those emotions or feelings, whatever you want to call them. When you take those and you just squash them, if you think about compressing them down, another word of compression is to depress, right? Yeah. Is to push down.

And so many people walk through their lives with everything compressed into a tiny nuclear reactor that just sits in their soul and it eats them from the inside out. Absolutely. So if no one's ever told you this before, you are worth laughing at things you think are funny. You're worth having your own opinions, especially when everyone disagrees with you, you're probably really, really smart because you've got to watch a lot of loudmouth idiots in your day without trying to compete. You probably have a, I would say, world-class, probably borderline superhero ability to read people's energy because you've had to, to stay safe. Yeah. You know when a punch is coming.

You know when a threat is on your way. And you also know like the matrix, how to get out of the way of that thing or how to just take it and keep going. And I want you to know that those qualities can also make you an extraordinary leader, a powerful person who speaks when they want to, when they decide it's necessary, and that when they do speak, everybody listens.

You can be in dating relationships and romantic relationships where your needs are met, all of them, and where you have permission to meet other people's needs. You're worth all of that, okay? How do you want to move forward? I guess that's why I'm calling too, because I feel like now I'm either more aware of it or I've just gotten to the point

where I'm exhausted and I'm ready to I'm just ready to make changes awesome yeah okay so two words that you've mentioned today are giant red flags for me

can I poke on them for a minute? Yeah. Okay. You are not, have never been, and will never be a burden. Never say that word again. Fair? Fair. I'll say it again.

You are not, have not, and will never be a burden. You are my new sister and my new friend, and that word leaves your vocabulary. You may be uncomfortable. You may be surrounded by weirdos. You may be in a room of people who don't like Seinfeld, and you're the only one with a sense of humor and clearly superior intelligence,

but you're the only one with a sense of humor and clearly superior intelligence, but you're never a burden. Do you believe me? Right. I believe you. Kids who grow up with moms who just swipe their phones all day and ignore them. Kids who grow up with moms

who yell and scream a lot or say, oh, honey, don't wear that shirt. We don't look pretty in that, like that kind of stuff. Kids who grow up with dads who don't hold them tightly and say, I love you. I love you. I love you. The alternative is they feel like there must be something wrong with me because my dad won't even hug. My dad won't even tell me he loves me. My dad won't even fight for me. My mom won't even look at me. My mom gets mad and she ghosts me. She turns silent on me

and I'm only eight. What did I do that was so bad that this adult who I'm supposed to love won't even talk to me, right? So all those things translate to 25 years down the road, 20 years down the road. This room would be better if I just wasn't here. And that's not true. Okay? Okay. The second thing is the exhaustion you feel is an almost 30-year-old woman whose body has been fighting and running and freezing year after year after year for way too long. Your body's been on full tilt for decades now. And this is the season when you start taking one more drink and one more drink, or you hook up with one more person, or you eat one more, this is me looking in the mirror,

bag of candy or donut or whatever, or you get on a treadmill and you run one more mile, or you work 10 more hours this week and then 10 more hours next week at work. This is when our bodies start to say, dude, I can't keep doing this. And so we start looking for duct tape to put over the alarms. Am I on to something? Yeah. Or the new drug, the new 21st century drug is Netflix. I'm just going to go home and get under the covers. Yeah.

Right? So here's where we go from here. Number one, this is going to be a cheesy answer, and I hope it doesn't sound like a ball of cheese, but I want you to hang on the line, and I'm going to send you a copy of my new book. It's called Own Your Past, Change Your Future. It's like you just threw this one to me on an underhand softball pitch, okay?

It's going to walk you through it. The path here is this. You have to own the stories. And I know you love your mom. I know you love your dad. And you love your siblings and your high school boyfriend, whatever. You got to own those stories. Only when you own them does your brain go, okay, she now knows.

Where the bears are. And then you got to acknowledge reality. Here's where I'm at. I'm 28 years old. I'm beautiful. I'm actually pretty dang smart. I'm kind. I think I'm funny and I've got a good sense of humor and I do like Power Ranger movies and I don't care what people say about like, whatever, whatever the thing is, right? You got to own reality. And then you have to be about the hard stuff, which is I got to grieve what I should have had that I don't have. I have to begin to work hard on changing my actions and work hard on changing my thoughts.

What does that look like in reality? Super hard, yet super simple. It is when the moment you think, oh, I just need to be quiet. You say inside your head, nope oh, I just need to be quiet you say Inside your head. Nope. I'm just gonna speak out just because i'm practicing And then you raise your hand or you just speak out because all the other idiot dudes in the room are speaking Like no, bro. I don't like that you go. Nope. I actually do like that. I like the colors on that font

I like the marketing angle here and as the only woman in this room, I think women would buy this. And then you, inside you go, the voices will go, what are you doing now? Right? They already are. Okay. Just, yeah, just practicing that. And here's what I want you to do. I want you to feel that. Don't run from it. Go right in the middle of it and let your body know we're okay. And if these idiots fire me for speaking up, they suck and I don't want to work here anyway. But they probably won't. I'm a loud mouth idiot

and I try to be inclusive, but I just get all fired. I love it when people who are on my team who normally are quiet speak up because they're usually right. Okay. And I want you to practice this and I want you to feel it in your body. The big thing here is when your body takes off on you, when your heart starts beating, when you're, when you start to shrink back, have a next thing in line. Nope. I'm not going to back up here. Nope. I don't want to kiss you. I'm just going to tell you that's not happening tonight. Thank

you though. Don't worry. I'll pay for my half of dinner tonight. Whatever that looks like for you. Mom, nope. I'm not coming home for Thanksgiving this year. I'm going to stay with my friends because I'm almost 30 and I can do whatever I want to. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, I definitely see what you're saying. So do you have a friend? Do you have somebody in your life that you can begin to discuss some of this with? Probably some of it for the first time ever. Yeah, the second part. Yeah. So you've heard me say this on this show a million times. I'll say it more time grief demands a witness

You have to say some of these things out loud You know, my mom told me one time. Can you believe my dad didn't? You have to say those things out loud That's how we bring our mind back online Oh, she hears she acknowledges this. Okay, cool Bear threat averted. Now we will stop responding as though everything's on fire. And you're going to have to train your body over time to be less anxious and to be less exhausted and give it the it needs. But if you will keep taking

these tiny little steps, keep practicing towards becoming the person that you're aiming towards, I promise you, you will become it. You know how I know? Because I did. Because my wife did. Because my friends around me have. Okay? Okay.

So I'm down the road from you. I'm looking on the other side and I'm telling you there's a light over there if you'll work hard for the next couple of years. And working hard just means practicing this new way of being. And you're going to fall. You're going to, I've been in meetings here, then I didn't speak up. And I drove home so pissed at myself. And I told somebody or two people, and then I got back into the next day. You're going to do that. It's going to be part of your journey. And then you're going to just find yourself with an ability to shoulder and carry things

that you never knew you had because somebody took that from you and you were very, very young. So do you feel ready to rock and roll or what? Yeah, it's definitely scary. Yes, so scary. I'm ready. And you are worth it.

You believe me? I do. You don't, so I'm going to say it again. You're worth it. You are not, will never be, have never been a burden. You, my new friend, Zo, are worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. You, my new friend, Zell, are worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it.

You're worth it. You're worth it. And to everybody listening to this, you're worth it. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet

has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. So one of the things I talk about on the show a lot that just gives me hemorrhoids is our obsession. I don't really have hemorrhoids, by the way. I'm all good. We should have Preparation H as a sponsor, by the way. I talk about hemorrhoids, by the way. I'm all good. We should have Preparation H as a sponsor, by the way.

I talk about hemorrhoids a lot on the show. Probably more than this makes anyone comfortable. But let's put that in the notes there. Is our obsession with tech. And before you click off and be like, One of the things, here's what I want to say about technology. Number one, I love technology. Remember that?

Brings me so much joy. I love me some Napoleon. It's not that I hate technology. I actually love it. I love it. I love the fact that we're communicating right now. It's one way, of course, unless you leave me some internet notes, but it's one way. But we're communicating. I love the fact that we're communicating right now. It's one way, of course, unless you leave me some internet notes, but like it's one way, but we're communicating. I love this microphone.

I love this laptop. I just carry around. I can watch every movie ever made on it. It's, I love it. I love being at my family's out of town. I love being able to call them to FaceTime. I love all that stuff. What I don't love is the existential shift that we've undergone. And this is something I put, I talk a little bit about in the new book as one of the stories that we've all just been handed and we just started eating it without even thinking about it.

And here's the story. The story is that technology and innovation can solve all of our problems. That whether it's personal, nutritional, spiritual, existential, medical, whatever it is, any problem you can think of, technology is going to solve it, save us. And let's be completely clear. Technology has given us a safer world.

It's giving us a less hungry world. But it will never be able to solve our deepest existential spiritual connectivity needs. And yes, I'm going on the record there. And they will come up with Alexa 9.0. And they'll come up with all those things that will really integrate into us. I get all that. AI is, whoa. I've been in some tech rooms behind closed doors.

What's coming with AI is unfathomable. It's really hard to wrap your head around. It's still not going to fill the gap. And so now we find ourselves in this interim space with a million devices meant to save time and help us work less, but we're busier than ever. We're more connected to everybody. I've got people reaching out to me on Instagram from a ton of other countries, right? I'm watching what's going on overseas in real time.

I'm just watching videos of it happening. I saw this is going to be delayed by the time this comes out, but the president of Ukraine just spoke directly to Congress yesterday via Zoom. That's amazing. It's incredible. We're super connected and we are lonelier than ever before. Lonelier at the cellular level, at the integrated community level, right? With every app that we add to our life, there's a cost involved that amounts to a greater disconnection from ourselves. Everything we try to protect ourselves from, whether it's death, whether it's doing our own laundry, whatever it is, creates a gap that takes us a little further off the ground, a little further off the ground.

And at some point, our feet begin to go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, we're not tethered anymore. We're not tethered. We're not tethered. And our brain is going, it's cool. It's cool. It's cool. We're floating. It's cool.. Hard work with a purpose is healing. That's a physiological fact. Human touch that is safe and warm is healing. That's a fact. coming together as a group of people is good for us, for the planet, for our neighborhoods, for everything in between.

That is a fact. And this obsession we have with tech, dude, I just, James gave me this article here. A new survey shows there's serious appetite for AI-powered dating apps and virtual partners. Tidio, a customer service platform, surveyed 1,000-plus people and uncovered a treasure trove of data. 56 would like AI to offer recommendations for in-app messages, meaning they want prompts on what should I say next? I don't know what to say next. I don't know what to say. And the computer goes,

how about you say, wow, you are pretty. Would you like to kiss me on the head? To which I would be like, all right, sweet. If anyone ever texts you and says, hey, would you like to kiss me on the forehead? Just ghost, block, whatever you do on the internets. 69% would let AI analyze their profile and offer recommendations to make it more attractive. You know why? Because you're not good enough. But you know what could make you good enough? Artificial intelligence.

They'll give you some tips and pointers on how to be more you, so more people will like you. People would end a relationship, not as many if AI recommended it. 13% would share their DNA to help find the perfect partner. Be-do-deet. Good folks. 70% said they would change their mind about sharing personal information if it meant they would find the perfect match. You know what the perfect match is? Waking up every day saying, I'm going to love this person with all I got. And they wake up and do the same. A perfect match is saying, I'm sorry,

over and over and over again for 50 years until you both die. A perfect match is saying i'm sorry over and over and over again for 50 years until you both die A perfect match is saying wow. I screwed that up How can I do this better next time? Or I spent all of my this for you Or I missed that concert for you or i'm going all in for you or i'll do dishes tonight I'll do bedtimes tonight and i'll do them tomorrow night. I'll do them the next night Absolutely. I'll figure out how to mow the lawn. It's going to look like a drunken idiot did it, but I'm going for it. That's a perfect match. Perfect match isn't somebody just floating out

there on a star. Technology, innovation, they're not saviors from clouds. Your neighbor is. You are. Your spouse is. Your friends are. Your church is. Your community is. Anything you guys want to add?

Kelly, James, James just showed up. Good to see you, buddy. I don't have anything to add, but we're going to bring in some alternate lyrics of the day based on this discussion. So just get ready for that. Oh, we are? I'll bring them in. Oh, did you find some?

All right. Stand by, America. James is calling an audible. And as easily the most conservative person back there, this ought to be good. So help me transition from my sad... I don't know how to get out of here. I think the lyrics speak for themselves. I've just kind of crashed and burned this thing.

Here's the thing. Reconnect with real people. That's the path to healing. Reconnect with yourself. That's the path to healing. Reconnect with your stories. That's the path to healing. Don't with yourself. That's the path to healing. Reconnect with your stories. That's the path to healing. Don't just sit at home and wait for somebody, some algorithm to come in and save you.

As we wrap up today's show, this is from James, his favorite song ever. Off the Napoleon Dynamite soundtrack, this is Kip's wedding song. And it goes like this. Why do you love me? Why do you love me always and forever? We met in a chat room. Now our love can fully bloom. Sure, the world wide web is great, but you, you make me salivate. Yes, I love technology, but not as much as you, you see. But I still love technology always and forever.

Our love, James, is like a flock of doves flying up to heaven above always and forever. Yes, our love is truly great always and forever. Why do you need me? Always and forever. Download the app. And I just realized download the app is something you just cut and pasted and put on this Word document. Not part of the app. And I just realized download the app is something you just cut and pasted and put on this Word document. Not part of the lyrics. We'll see you next

time right here. Coming up on the next episode. Yo! I am cleaning someone else's house. Do you have the permission to be in there? He blindsided me and told me that he doesn't love me. Doesn't know if he ever did.

You're worth more than all of this. I'm a new teacher at a public high school. Oh, no. Okay, go ahead. I feel like I'm a Capri Sun. My husband, daughter, and even my dog all have straws. There are times where I'm like laying in bed at 2.30 a.m. feeling like a Capri Sun.

Yeah, your body isn't a wonderland. Your body's a jungle gym. It might be a wonderland. That's not for me to say. Shipments of CDs rose from 31 million to 47 million. Suckers. CDs are coming back.