The Dr. John Delony Show - I Am Worried, Jealous and Insecure

Episode Date: May 1, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A wife crippled by jealousy in her marriage - A husband struggling to get his wife on board financially - A woman upset over how her ex could move on so quickly Lyrics of the Day: "Round Here" - Counting Crows Enter the Ramsey Cash Giveaway here Shop the $10 Sale here Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. The plan would work financially, but it requires signing legal contracts. No! I personally was not okay with that. No! My wife was... No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't be insane.

No, it sounds crazy. I don't enter into legal contracts with loved ones. Hey, what's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I got papers flying everywhere. I'm so glad that you are with us. This show about marriage and parenting and relationships, your mental and physical health, school, whatever you got going on in your life. I'm here to walk alongside you. I'm John Deloney. And for 20 years, I've been sitting with people when the wheels have fallen off and trying to figure out what do I do next? And I've experienced it myself. I just have dedicated my life to entering into the fire when the buildings,

when the smoke starts coming out. So I want to first thank you for the honor of getting to sit with you when you're struggling and you keep tuning in and giving us your most precious resource, which is your time and asking great questions and sending in notes and letters. I'm just so grateful for the show's continued growth response. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And here's the purpose of this show. I want you to have a better marriage. I want you to get a handle on your physical and mental health. I want you to get some truth about what's going on with mental health crisis in this country. And there's just so much nonsense out there. So many charlatans out there. So, um, quit my entire professional trajectory to come sit here and be a YouTuber and a podcast just to start putting some kind of truth out there because it's madness, stone madness. Um, and so I'm, I'm grateful that you've joined us um hey a couple of uh housekeeping things first thing is um i got some notes this morning on the viewership of this show it is astounding

millions of you guys are tuning in watching clips listening to shows unbelievable and nobody's hitting the subscribe button the the guy who runs all the metrics was like, this is the strangest account because it continues to accelerate in such a bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S way. So please take one second, hit the subscribe button. It means the world to me

and to people who've never heard the show. Okay, so hit the subscribe button, hit the follow button, the like button, the thumbs. I don't know how the internets work. Hit all those buttons. And I love getting mail. With all my heart, I love getting mail. It's literally my favorite thing. And I sit by some other folks who have shows and nobody gets mail. And it's so great. It just makes me feel like a middle school kid all over again, getting letters. But I got this one the other day. If you're

watching this on YouTube, you can see it. It's's just a pink letter and there was no return address it just says the word cheater on it and then underneath it it says thank you for this piece p-e-a-c-e exclamation point that's it and at first i thought somebody accusing me of me of being, I don't think I've ever, I don't think I'm a cheater. And then I realized, I actually, I realized I don't know what this means. So if you're going to send things to us,

give me a little more context. Because otherwise, I think you're a murderer. Or I don't know what's happening. But cheater. Thank you for this piece. If you ever wrote this, you are welcome.

You are welcome. And please do not put anthrax in an envelope and mail it to me. All right. Okay, so. Hey, whoa, whoa. Calling an audible. Yes. Is this you?

Did you send this? No, I did not. No. Kelly, do you need to tell us something? No. Okay. Okay. All right.

But, it's a $10 sale. One T or two Ts? One T. But, okay. Are you done? I'm done. All right. Thanks. It's a $10 sale. One T or two Ts? One T. But, okay. Are you done? I'm done. All right, thanks. It's the $10 sale because it's May, and this year for the first time, the cards are in there.

Oh, the questions for humans for $10. The questions for humans are on the $10 sale. So I thought in honor of that, we would do a question. And I have picked one. Let's do it. So everybody in the control room and John, you can start. What is your go-to gas station snack? I mean, come on.

Yours has got to be gummies. I've got to, yeah. Occasionally I'll get a Snickers bar just because, but they're usually mindless bags of gummy candies or jelly beans. Yeah. I've got a particular hankering for Albanese lately. They're just the best. Black Forest are better.

Black Forest is good, but inside the Black Forest is where the castle of Albanese lives. That's what I think. All right. So what do you think, Jenna? My go-to is always the Fritos, the honey barbecue twists.

Oh, they're so good. Oh, I bet your breath is a delight. Exactly. Yes, but they're so good. Just a delight bet your breath is a delight. Exactly, yes. But they're so good. Just a delight. All right, excellent. Joe? Butterfinger.

Atta boy. Did you get it all over you? No. You are a clean eater, aren't you? Yes. I am not. I am not. Mine has three parts.

Marlboro Reds. Skull. Skull. And a cult. Cult 45. Cultull and a cult. Cult 45 and some Copenhagen, please. I'm Kelly Daniel. Alright, no. I wish you were kidding me. A Yoo-Hoo.

Only time I drink, it's on a road trip. Yoo-Hoo? Yep. Hi, because we're seven. Exactly. Only on a road trip. Chex Mix and... You're 12. You're seven years old. And Peanut M&M's. Unless I'm at Bucky's and then it's a whole different story. Well, Bucky's is like...

It's a universe. Yes. It is like... Yes. Yes. It's like a free opium clinic for somebody who's struggling. It's like I walk in and it's like oh you think you want gummy candies how about a cowboy hat and a live raccoon and all the food you would ever want a brisket sandwich and a pony yeah while you're here we're gonna we're gonna put a bed uh in your car for whatever

dude we're gonna re-roof your house we're buckies it's incredible andrew what do you do normally I go for like peanut butter M&Ms I'm simple gosh I wish I was you like we hung out the other night and I thought I bet he's much nicer to himself than I am to me like I just wish I was in your head for a season seems like a like a calmer place no yeah sometimes he's like yes I think so except when i'm thinking about getting in the cabin and becoming the never mind all right excellent um questions for humans ten dollar sale go to

johndeloney.com pick them up dude they will change your family and your marriage and your relationship with your kids um little tools to help people connect it's awesome all right let's go to jen in seattle jen's been waiting forever. What's up, Jen? Hi, Dr. John. I'm so excited. I'm doing really great. How are you? I'm good. So you've got to hear how bad I am at making ads and all the stuff. You've got to hear all the sausage

made. So way to go. It was a really fun perspective. At some point, you're just going to be like, I'm out. I hang up. Hey, but here's the thing. I always say on this show, I'm not very good at this. And I know it sounds like I'm being self-deprecating, but you got to hear, oh, you're not that good

at this, right? You got to hear it, which is kind of awesome. The other night, I was in a... This band, Under Oath, came. I missed them when they were popular 15 years ago. And so I went to the show. It was sold out. It was mayhem. And this guy stops they were popular 15 years ago. And so I went to the show. It was sold out. It was mayhem.

And this guy stops me in the mosh pit. And he's like, oh, you're for real. You actually go to these shows. And I was like, yeah, did you think I didn't go to this? Evidently, people thought I had this big. Anyway, so you can see I'm not that good at the radio, Jen. So I'm glad that you've hung in there with us. So what's up?

What's going on? Okay. So my husband and I have been together since we were 16 we are both 34 now gross was it like dawson's creek like i don't want to wait how'd y'all meet no in high well in junior high um uh and so yeah he was he came into my school in eighth grade and we were sort of like just saw each other you know how awkward middle school in eighth grade and we were sort of like, just saw each other, you know, how awkward middle school, junior high is. But the new boy came and you were like, like sights lasered in?

Just right off the bat. He was really nice to his little sister who, that really made me fall in love with him. Did you have braces? What's that? Did you have braces? I did. Oh, so great. It's so amazing.

I always wanted like a childhood crush that became my lifelong love. Didn't work out that way for me, but congratulations. Okay. It happened. It's not always as cute as you would think. I was going to say, this may be a disaster. So I'm sorry if I'm just setting you up here, but all right, go ahead. So we've been together since we were 16.

We're both 34 now. We've been married for 12 years this year. We have three little kids and I don't know why, but, so there's never been any infidelity, any, any issues. We've never cheated. Neither of us are cheaters. My husband has very high moral standards specifically with our relationship and just in his life in general. But for some reason, I've always felt really insecure when he's around other women. And it's really been coming to a head recently for some reason. I mean, admittedly, I don't have fantastic self-worth. I grew up with an alcoholic father and a narcissistic mother. And I, you know,

I've been really digging into that in therapy. I'm laughing. Not big. That was incredible. That was incredible. Um, you know, yes,

yes. It's, it's, Hey, that is not this country's strong suit. So well done. Well done. Yeah. Um, so if, if country's strong suit. So well done. Well done. Yeah.

So if you can honestly rule out infidelity. And so when somebody comes and says this to me, the first thing I always say is, what does your gut tell you? And if you can say, my gut tells me he's a great guy. Like there's not some, I'm not overriding some innate signal that my body's picking up on the universe. Um, then the issue is clearly, and I say this with all love and respect, it's nothing to do with him. This has everything to do with you.

Yes. Right. I can say with a thousand percent, like I would be completely and utterly shocked if I ever found out anything. Okay. Like I, I can really confidently say, yeah. So tell me what, this is going to sound so cheeseball-y,

tell me what your body does when he is coming home from work and you're like, what are you doing? Like, well, my last meeting was with so-and-so and so-and-so and she's beautiful. What does your body do? Oh, well, I can feel the physical symptoms of the anxiety. Like my body gets really shaky and my heart starts racing and all the thoughts start going that I'm trying to just keep the lid on that jar. And I'm not always super good at keeping the lid on the jar. What are the thoughts?

She's, you know, I'm a stay at home mom. I run our, our business. We run our business together actually. And so I run our business and, and I've been a stay at home mom. My oldest is going to be 10 this year. And I just don't put in the effort I used to cause I'm here all the time. And so what does that mean? What does that mean? What does that mean? You don't put in the effort and what, and looking pretty in, you know, okay. Yeah. To my appearance. And so I'm like, okay, well, she's prettier than me and she probably doesn't have as much

baggage. So she's probably easier going than I am. And, you know, why wouldn't he, you know, even entertain the idea because that's a, you know, an easier path. Like she's nice and she's pretty and she's, you know, successful and has these ambitions and all this stuff. And it just really starts setting in, even though I know that's not how he feels. I can't stop those thoughts. It's insane. Um, it's not insane. The good news is your body's working great.

The bad news is it's running an old script. One point of clarification, is there a particular person you've zeroed in on or is this women universal? Mostly universal. My husband's an electrician. We have our own business. We're small. We're a baby business still. But we just hired our first employee. And she's a trainee. And it's a woman, which for the trades is not super common.

And she's fantastic. I never... I was a part of the hiring process. She was the best candidate. And I saw it as an opportunity for growth for me. Because I've never... I've always hated this in our entire relationship. So I'm like, you know what? I don't want to shortchange our business and I want to grow.

She's great. I don't get any weird vibes from her. Like I'm going to, you know, she's not going to hand that rocks the cradle me. At least I don't, that's not the vibe I get, you know? And so, um, yeah, she's, I mean, she's tall and she's beautiful and she has a great attitude and she's being taught by him, which my husband is a teacher. Like he loves, he loves teaching. And so like she's out there with him day in, day out, hours on end, in the same truck, working side by side with him. And so right now there hasn't really been a specific person before then. It's just kind of a general sense. And now it's definitely amped really been a specific person before then. It's just kind of a general sense. And now it's definitely amped up and I'm just trying to work through it.

Okay. All right. A couple of things here. We're going to start all the way back and then we're going to land to right now. Okay. Okay. I'm going to make myself a quick note here. All right. So the child of an alcoholic and the child of a narcissist, that is somebody surrounded by two people who are using the child as their point of gravity, which means everything you accomplish, not love because it's not what you're getting, but you accomplish stability through performance, through what you can do for them.

Right? Yeah. And that carries all the way through your life. And so when you see yourself as a performer, and then life happens, you gain some weight, you are chasing 15 kids around a farm, you're running a business, just life happens. You begin, the same judgment metrics are what you apply

regardless of the situation. Because there's still a six-year-old little girl saying god what is so beautiful about that bottle that that makes it prettier than me what is it about me that my mom keeps using me as a scorecard for how well she's doing in the world why is it my job to make sure she's regulated i i right and so yeah you take that scorecard because your mom and dad were supposed to be the only two people on the planet that didn't do that and they did our teachers do it our coaches do it our friends do it that's life our bosses do it that's life but not mom and dad not them two yeah and they said if you're going to be in relationship with us this is how you're going to dance and you took that card and you tattooed it on your heart

and now you're a mom you're a business owner you're a wife you're a best friend and you're trying to use that same that same card so here i'm trying to think of like a non-lame example. But let me think of like a baseball player. I'll use a baseball player from my childhood. Craig Biggio came in, he was a catcher, but he's really, really fast coming in. When I was a little kid, he played for the Astros. And so in a couple of years

they moved him from being a catcher to being a second baseman to preserve his legs. And then he played forever. And over the course of history, he got stronger and he got his, I call it his dad's strength, his start the lawnmower with one pull. And he stopped being judged on how

fast he was. He started being judged on how he could get clutch hits, how he never missed ground balls, how he was a great teammate. And then as even the physical, it became he's a great, he's a clubhouse leader. We're going to keep him on a few more years, even though his skills have diminished

because he's leading these young folks. And so the metric by which they judged him continued to change and evolve with him because that makes rational sense. But kids who grew up in traumatic households stamped themselves with one scorecard. Okay. So you are going to have to learn to teach yourself and you're going to have to be honest and open with your husband and teach him. I've got to learn a new way of, of, um, seeing myself in the world. And it used to be as a performer

and here's what's going to be hard you've half of his life you've been a performer too right and that means you may have agreed to things in the bedroom you weren't super down with but you want to be you want to be the cool wife and you may be doing things with kids that you don't really love but he wants you to do it. And so it's like, okay, we'll just, it's going to change the dynamic of your house as you begin to develop autonomy and say, here's what I want. Here's what I need. That's why both of you are going to have to commit to, okay, the marriage as we knew it, we're going to put a period at the end of that. It got us this far. It can't move forward or it's going to implode because I can't continue to score myself with these same metrics that I used when I was seven and that my mom and dad who were sick used on me to be the wife and

the mother and the business owner that we need to be moving forward. Does this make sense? Yeah. Okay. And I think this is me. It's going to be very unpopular with the internet crowd. So do not read the YouTube comments. Actually, you can read them because they're going to be about me. I do think y'all are playing with fire. Okay. I think there's something to be said for some accountability. Or let me put it this way. I would not be comfortable hiring a single female

to drive around with me for nine hours a day, just us two working side by side for the future for a hundred different reasons. And I trust myself. Right. I don't know what she's going to say. I don't know what someone's going to accuse us of. I don't know what impact this is going to have on my wife. I don't know what this is going to impact is going to have on my business. I don't know any of those factors. And I get that there's an innate, I don't want to call it sexism, but I don't want to ever want gender to, I want to hire the best person for the job, right? So it may be that in this season, we're going to hire two people. We're going to hire two people and it's going to cost us a little more money, but it's going to be worth it in the long, long, long run.

And if we take a hit for a couple of years and train them up right and how we're going to take care of customers and the kind of quality of work we do, then it's going to expand your employee base. But I think there's a both and here, okay? I want you to know you're not insane. Okay? Nobody, nobody. Well, that's not true.

Very, very, very few happily married people wake up one day and they're like, I'm gonna go have an affair. That's just how it happens. The number one reason people have an affair is access. This happens. And so it's not something, it's a, and it's stunning how many people have great marriages and this thing happens

Right. And so it's it's not like somebody's fault or it's because of this because that's a hollywood reality is like it It just it just happened. So I think there's something to be said for sitting back and being smart and or Yeah, i'll leave that to you and your husband and your business to figure that out. But in my situation at my house, I would hire two people. Even if I couldn't afford it, I would figure out how to hire two. And that's for as much for her protection as it is for him, for your marriage, for everybody.

I just think there's a wisdom there. And in a rush to, and I think it's a good rush, in a rush for equality, we've sometimes thrown out common sense. And I wish that wasn't the case, but that's just reality. So I tell you that, all that to tell you a couple of things. Number one, continue to see your counselor because you got to deal with the childhood stuff. It's real and it's heavy and it's legit. Okay. I want you to know you're not nuts.

Yeah. The second thing is, um, I want you to begin to feel your body as it begins to take off on you. And I want you to, and this is going to be a pain. If you will do this for one month, two months, maybe four months, if you will continue to do this, to write down every time it takes off on you, please take the time to write it down. It's going to be a pain in the butt, but it's the way you're going to teach yourself to create some space between your body taking off on you and those thoughts that come next. You got to start challenging those thoughts. The third thing is I want you and your husband to have some sort of retreat where y'all can say say okay, we're going to Reimagine our marriage what we want it to look like we got two kids. We got a small business

We're trying to make these things work. Here we are We've done six months here in this new job. I'm not comfortable with this. I'm super comfortable with this I just feel like we're setting our family up for a weird thing here or a weird thing there um Whatever's going on in the world. So I just feel like we're setting our family up for a weird thing here or a weird thing there. Whatever's going on in the world. So, and just so you know, my wife and I did this with my job. We're six months into a new job.

You're on the road a lot. You're traveling. You've got these weird writing hours now. You're writing at 4 a.m. and at 2 in the morning. So, six months in, how is everything? Two years in, how is everything? And in next week, I think, or the week after, we're doing it again. Like we are now, I just hit send on another manuscript.

Okay. We got to recalibrate this thing because our marriage is different now again. So that's an ongoing conversation that needs to happen, needs to happen. And you can ask some of those questions like, what do you need from me in this season? And let him be honest with you about what he needs. And then you can say, okay, here's a list, not one that I'm imagining, not a performance schedule that I'm supposed to be keeping up with, but he told me exactly what he needs from me. And I want you to be honest, honest, honest,

and tell him, here's what I need from you. Here's what I need from you. I don't know that you can do this without a family counselor, without a marriage counselor. And I think that would be super good use of your time and of your money. And you're worth all of it, all of it, all of it. Stay on the line.

I'm going to send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future. In fact, I'm going to send you two. And you and your husband can both read it together. I think that would be fantastic for both of you to give each of you a common language as you head into this new season. I think that'd be awesome. Thank you so much for being brave. Thank you so much for the call. Your body's working as it should, and it's trying to

keep you safe, and it's trying to run an old script. And what it used to keep you safe, the way it used to keep you safe, it's going to mess things up moving forward. So let's get a new script moving forward. I'm so grateful for you, Jen. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families.

We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. Thank you. additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com

slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Let's go to Jason in Michigan. What's up, Jason? Hey, John. Thanks for having me. You got it, brother. What's up, Jason? Hey, John. Thanks for having me. You got it, brother. What's up, man? So first of all, sorry if I stumble over my words. I'm very nervous. Dude, hey, I stumble and I'm not even nervous. I stumble all the time. You're good, man. You're in good company.

So what's up? So this is a little long-winded, but I was hoping that you could help me and my wife do something. Let's do it. And when I tell you this, I just want you to know that me and my wife do something. Let's do it. And when I, when I tell you this, I just want you to know that me and my wife are very much people pleasers and we don't like confrontation. So you called the right guy. Awesome. I have a family member that I was on the phone with early, early this morning, trying to encourage a significant confrontation that they need to have in their life. And so I love

a good confrontation. So let's do it. Awesome. Uh, so we have, we have come across a financial issue that may drive us out of state. Um, we told my in-laws the other day, and as soon as they got back to their house, uh, without us knowing, they started to put together a financial plan for us. What happened? What happened? Uh, so,, the daycare costs and tuition debt and all that stuff, it's too much for us right now. So we have to like, we were planning on just kind of like selling the home and kind of using those proceeds to settle off some debt, maybe staying with my parents down in North Carolina for a little bit to kind of reset. That's kind of what was going on. So you have a lot of debt and you own a home. You're thinking about selling the home, paying off everything,

and just kind of hitting Control-Alt-Delete from zero. Exactly, yes. We don't owe anyone anything. Okay. And why North Carolina? You have jobs there? My family lives there. We do not have jobs there yet, but I'm looking. Okay. And why North Carolina? You have jobs there? My family lives there. We do not have jobs there yet, but I'm looking. Okay. And so you told, basically you told your in-laws,

hey, we don't have, we've got more bills than we do income. The job prospects here, we're not going to be able to earn our way out in this community, plus the cost, plus whatever. Yeah. And I do have a nice career job right now um but again i with the amount of money we owe i can't make enough soon enough um can i can i tell you that it also sounds like you want to get out of this part of the country you're a genius uh i do actually okay so i was already playing that in the future. But listen, listen, listen. Well, before we even get to the crux of your question,

when you have these kinds of conversations with in-laws and with, with other people, be 100% honest. Okay. Like I want to move away from this town too. Okay. See what I'm saying? Sure. And that way people don't swoop in and try to solve all of your problems because they don't know all your problems they just know the one that you put on

the table which is well we're really struggling with our air conditioner so we're gonna sell the house and it's like suddenly there's a repairman at your house that you didn't even hire and it's like well also i hate the house and our marriage is crumbling right there's all these other things going on um okay so you want to get home and be around your family is your wife in on that uh she's fine with it and we had a discussion in the past about it and we kind of we kind of uh got to the point where it's like hey like if we're going to make that move that we got to make sure that uh it's for good reason and that we're kind of set up uh appropriately like having jobs and all that stuff do not move without a job okay exactly yeah and that's what that's what we're planning. Do not move without a job. Okay. Exactly. Yeah. And that's what,

that's what we're planning to do. Not moving without a job. Okay. All right. So, um, you tell her in-laws and they start making financial plans for you. What does that mean?

Uh, so, uh, so they, they came up with this, this plan. Uh, let's say their plan was essentially like a chart of our pros and cons.

And also they created like a color coded chart of like our mental health and our happiness. No, no, absolutely not. No, they get no vote on that. Zero run,

run, go to go today. I just told you to don't go that a job go right now. Yeah, that's, that's exactly what I'm getting to. And so their plan is essentially, uh,

their plan would work financially, but it requires like signing legal contracts. No! I personally was not okay with that. No! My wife is, yeah, that's what I thought. No, no, no, no, no. Don't be insane.

No, I don't. It sounds crazy. I don't enter into legal contracts with loved ones. Yeah. I shake hands, I shake hands, or i give the money away or i say no yeah that was my my gut instinct and i guess that comes to my uh and also like currently uh and to give them peace of mind we're also sharing like in-depth finances and they don't know no no no they don't your job isn't to give them peace of mind that's not your job that's their job

they're grown-ups they're the parents their job is to go figure out give them peace of mind. That's not your job. That's their job. They're grownups. They're the parents. Their job is to go figure out their own peace of mind, not to use y'all to try to get it. Yeah, I'm trying to like, you know, make a decision for my family. And it's like, it's hard to consider them into that. I'm trying to block that out.

Yes, they don't get a vote. Yeah, so it comes to my questions here. Are we wrong to believe that they have too much involvement in our lives and finances is it best if we tell them that we love them but we don't need their approval to make decisions and asking and asking for all this information kind of makes us feel like we can't be trusted or we that we can't support ourselves um so hold on hold on that's what you told them um i that's what we're trying to figure out how to

you told them that you told them that we have to get rid of our home because we can't make enough money to survive in this part of the country and they probably said ah we're calling bullcrap on that we see how you spend your money we see how y'all live and when you told them that and you also didn't say and we just want to move we We want a new adventure. We're going to move down South where it's cheaper, where we can keep more of our paycheck. We're going to do X and Y and Z, like fill in the blank. Why? Who cares why? I want to go fishing every weekend. And you can't do that up here. I'm tired of the cold. Whatever reasons, I want to get by my family, whatever you want to do, but you didn't tell them that. You invited them into a conversation where you said we're struggling so

much we have to get rid of our house and you have to understand for our parents generation getting rid of your house was everything and so you told them essentially we're about to be destitute and we're going to move in with somebody else's parents and they swooped in to say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Right. So you invited them in kind of like a vampire. You open the door and you said, come on in. And then they started biting everybody and you're mad that they're biting. Like y'all, y'all invited them in. Yeah. And you didn't tell them the whole story when they came in. Yeah. Because in the past they said, Hey, you can't don't make, don't make decisions based on emotion. Just make it off of like just the straight numbers. And so we're trying to, we're just kind of leading in with the numbers,

but it's starting to feel like they're kind of coming in with some emotions too. Yes, of course they are. And no one who says, hey, never use emotion. That's emotional. I'm just kidding. It's not. But you know what I'm saying? Yes.

Here's what they want. Do you have kids? I do. I have two kids. Oh, geez. geez yes they don't want to lose their grandkids and so they will do everything they can including coming up with color-coded mental health charts to help you stay yeah that's right i figured and and and to put a kicker on it um my my father-in-law just got diagnosed with stage four cancer he's going through chem. So it's like there's a lot of guilt involved in this decision. We don't, we're kind of at this weird crossroads and it's really hard. Yes. It's okay if right this second isn't the time to go.

That's okay. What I think you and your wife need to do is to back out of this whole thing. Hit pause on everything. Back all the way out. Because she's also going to be grieving and her dad has a terminal cancer diagnosis yeah step out of the whole thing get somebody to come over and watch your kids for half a day and y'all go to a really nice restaurant in the morning and y'all say okay what do we want our life to look like for the next five years yeah and if dad's got a

prognosis that he's going to not be with us for in six months then let's consider sitting around for six months and helping out yeah i don't know that you need to go knock on the door and have some grand conversation about um y'all have too much influence in our life and blah, blah, all that kind of stuff. A simple, well, Hey, let's, let's take a look at your bank income statements and you a simple, Oh no, thank you. I want to keep those personal. That suffices.

Okay. And when you say things like, well, we're both just people pleasers, that's passing the buck. Just say no. Okay. And remember this line line choose guilt over resentment every time okay okay you're gonna feel because y'all are both people pleasers you're gonna feel guilty anytime you put up a boundary also don't not tell the full truth because it it's easier

okay all right so when me and my wife moved here, I had a, a, a world-class professional opportunity at a world-class university. My dream job. If I got fired today, I would, they, I would love to go back to my exact job.

They were amazing. Okay. And, and my wife and I were very clear. We wanted a new adventure. We'd both been born and raised in the same state. We've been in the same city for 15 years or plus. It was time for us to go try a new adventure.

And we told everybody that. That way there wasn't this like, well, what about the job? And when I went in to say, hey, I'm transitioning out. And they're like, well, do you want to negotiate to stay? There wasn't this big drawn out negotiation because it was only part of the reason I wanted to go. Yeah. And so I want you and your wife to be on the same page because my gut tells me the other half of this conversation is she is so used to listening to them. She likes the idea of not listening to them, but she's still going to do whatever they say.

Yeah. Is that part of it too? Yeah. them but she's still going to do whatever they say yeah is that part of it too yeah there's a lot of uh well she's even more of a people pleaser than i am and she kind of shuts down when she gets into these tough conversations and we we both kind of like uh just kind of nod our nod our heads and just kind of accept what's what's happening and what people tell us to do yeah at some point you've got to you'll have to grow up and be an adult, both of you.

Yeah. And you can't continue to let your mom, mommies and daddies run your life. You have to decide what's best for our family. What does our family want to do? And do we have some responsibilities? I think helping out with, if she is the only child,

I think helping out with stage four cancer dad is noble. I would delay moving if you don't have to. Also, I'm not going to give financial records to my in-laws. And I love my in-laws. But if my mother-in-law said, hey, send me all of your tax returns. I'm not going to send them that. I wouldn't give that to my parents. It's mine.

It's me and my wife. That's ours. to my parents. It's mine. It's me and my wife. That's ours. And my accountant. And one buddy I have that I trust with those hard conversations because he gives me some brutal wisdom. But other than that, they're just mine. And so I'm... Or let's do this. Shift your people pleasing to you and to your wife.

Start there. You're going to please people if you have to your wife. Start there. You're going to please people if you have to please somebody. Seek and say, what's best for us right now? What's going to bring us joy? And then how can we love and take care of the people around us? Because now we're able to do that

because we filled our pitcher up. So anyway, thanks for the call, man. Do not enter into transactional, financial relationships with your family. That is the sure way to burn the whole relationship to the ground. They want to give you money with no strings and you choose to take it. Great. That's fine.

If you want to move just because you're tired of living where you live and you want to go try a new place, you want to go back home with your family. Great. Go for it. But you and your wife, you and your wife need to be on the same page, talking the same language with the same crystal clear picture of what tomorrow's going to look like. You ought to take a half day, go spend the day together and dream big, weep together, breathe together, and walk away with a plan. Here's what the next one, two, three years is going to look like. And then hang on,

because it comes fast. We'll be right back. All right, let's go to Maria in Denver. Let's, what's up, Maria? Hello, John. I am very, very nervous. Don't, don't, don't be. You're good. Haven't lost a patient yet. What's up? Actually, actually you're not my patient but you know what i mean what's up so i am 25 years old with three kids holy smokes we divorced why yeah why'd you get divorced, we were high school sweethearts. Gross. Um, I know. I'm just kidding. I'm jealous. I'm jealous.

I don't know. So it's a very weird scenario. We didn't quite know each other when I ended up pregnant. Okay. Um, she ended up being a prom baby. So, um. Awesome. I know. Great. And then three months after I found out I was pregnant, I quite didn't know his family. Cause again, it was kind of an oop and we barely knew each other. Um, he left for the military. So I had to go through the pregnancy

pretty much by myself up until two months prior to me delivering the baby. I had to get to know his family all by myself. So that was great. Was it? Was it, Maria? Was it great? I loved my mother-in-law at first, and the years went by, and I just really disliked her. Okay.

All right. So you've got three kids, three little ones. Eight, five, and two. And the years went by and I just really disliked her. Okay. All right. So you've got three kids, three little ones. Eight, five, and two. Holy smokes on a stick. All right. So eight, five, and two. Yes. You've got one kid asking you about sex and you've got one kid who's still babbling about in diapers and a five-year-old who doesn't even know what day it is.

So, okay. And you recently divorced. How recently is your divorce finalized um two months ago oh geez it took about a little over a year yeah denver's the worst man colorado's the worst yeah it got it got nasty lawyers yes everything yeah um she accuses me of blindsiding him and that I messed him up and that like he never seen it coming

but yet we did marriage counseling for a year and a half ultimately why'd you leave I was very alone okay I pretty much did everything Ultimately, why'd you leave? I was very alone. Okay. I pretty much did everything. You've been alone for a long, long...

You've been alone since you were in high school, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Long, long time. Sorry, I get very emotional about it No it's good What are you talking about Don't be sorry about that

You should If you were not emotional about it I would think You are weird And I mean I come from Divorced parents myself Yeah His parents are divorced

But they should be Okay Or they're divorced. They're non-divorced roommates, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They threaten each other to get a divorce every three months. Gosh. All right. So you're here. How can I help? What can I help you with? This is a mess. I'm so sorry. I'm just heartbroken with you. No, I mean, I was alone. I was like a two parent household, but really I felt single the whole, like my whole marriage, probably like two years. Um, I did everything. I mean, we both worked full time. He made great money. He definitely provided, he was more of a provider more than anything. Um, he was super stressed

out with his job and I was like, you know what? Take a huge pick up. That means our marriage will get better. Um, he went to a much more relaxed job. Nothing changed. We would go to marriage counseling. Um, it would fix the issues temporarily. Um, once I asked for the divorce well he it all started he looks at me and he's like you've been acting weird these past three months and it's like I just thought to myself why did it take you so

long to ask I think that's a good question but it's also can be an unfair question yeah because you might not have been a safe person to ask that question to I think that's a good question, but it also can be an unfair question. Yeah. Because you might not have been a safe person to ask that question to. Or he may have felt you stressed and thought the greatest gift he could give you after watching his dad get terrorized by his mom, the greatest gift he could give you was space.

Yeah. And it may have been. It took months of courage for him to go hey what what is wrong i'm just speculating here but those like he should have known i just man i i don't like those kind of games to be honest because it's like you should read my mind i don't know how to read your mind i tried to read your mind you're doing the wrong thing it just it's so much cleaner just to say here's what i need and that's yeah and i ahead, go ahead. And I mean, I feel like I've definitely asked for it over and over again. I could be wrong. Um, I mean, I definitely know I have my fault. Um, but when I asked for the divorce, I guess really what bugs me now is

when I asked for the divorce, he looked at me right away and he said, I'm never getting married again or ever dating someone again. And I'm like, you already found somebody like you're lying. Like I looked at him and I said, you are 28. I was 24, 23 at the time.

I said, we have a long life ahead of us. We are both going to find someone again. I said, we have a long life ahead of us. We are both going to find someone again. I said, the only thing I ask is you don't bring someone randomly into our kid's life right away. I said, date all you want. I'm perfectly fine with that. That's all I asked from him. So filed for divorce. Three months later, girlfriend starts showing up to our kids' soccer games and school activities.

So does that break your heart? Yeah, I'm here. And? Are you mad that he moved on so fast? Are you mad that he found somebody serious so fast? Like, what's the hole in your heart? What makes me so mad is, like, like, not giving that respect

if that was all I asked for. He may not see her as somebody random. Or he may have been seeing her for three years. We get along on and off. He's very bipolar about it. He has told me that the only reason he started dating her is because he couldn't be alone. Yeah.

Okay. And I just think it was very You gave him some You would give him You gave him some very unclear directions. Some very amorphous directions.

And my guess is there's been kind of the arc of your marriage which it's hard to learn clarity. I'm terrible at it. I'm still learning how to do it. So I still see somebody. It's hard to learn clarity. I'm terrible at it. I'm still learning how to do it.

So I still see somebody. It's hard. But, hey, just don't bring somebody random. That's, like, that's so unclear. Yeah.

I want to meet the person that you're dating and vet them before they're around our kids. That's clear. And I did,

I did say that. So my fault for not saying kids. That's clear. And I did say that. So my fault for not saying that. Okay. And the only reason I found out prior to him bringing her to soccer games, school stuff, was I was driving. We were taking a road trip. I was taking a road trip with my kids. And my oldest daughter looks over at me, and she's like,

we met dad's girlfriend and her family this weekend. And I just, I wasn't quite sure what to say. So here's a hard question for you. Why are you, like you asked for a divorce from him, and you left. Why are you still giving him access to your heart in this way? I think because he's doing everything

I asked for for so long. Ah. Can I tell you that's an illusion? I mean, I was the one that always had to take time off to watch the kids. He would rarely ever plan vacations with them. And all of a sudden, he's so interested in their education and how they're doing and their sports and this and that. Can you celebrate the fact that he's not a terrible absentee father? Because you got what you asked for.

And now what you're asking for is you wish time was different. Or you wish he had been this way before, which is fair. But you're still giving him access instead of saying god thank god he finally figured it out because this is this this is the dad of my kids would have been nice if you'd been this way yeah and i and i hear the saying like um it sucks i asked for a divorce but i'm thankful because now my kids get the dad they deserve. Well, that's a terrible saying. That's an awful saying. I don't think I would ever, I don't think I'd ever be grateful for that.

It definitely stuck with me. Yeah, that's an awful saying. Whoever came up with that saying should stop talking. You were walking around. Here's the deal. You think something's wrong with Maria I do And I started dating recently And it was a mess wasn't it

It was Yes And it probably doesn't help that I was dating someone going through a divorce I will say that. You, Maria, are correct. You're correct. I started dating this guy for,

well, it didn't start off well, and I should have known, but I ignored it. I will say I ignored it. Here's why. let me get it because we're going to be up against the clock let me tell you and again I am completely speculating here but

your husband got a very stark consequence for his actions unless I'm just going to give him the benefit of the doubt he lost everything he lost his wife, he lost his home he lost the picture he had of kids and he walked away maybe and said

I've got to change everything from the inside out because I don't ever want to lose that again and in this season it may last forever. Hopefully it does. He said, okay, I want to find somebody that I can do life with and who's going to understand this is the kind of dad I'm going to have to be moving forward. And you are still trying to find somebody that completes you, that makes you less alone. And that's an impossible burden to put on somebody. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. You're trying to find

somebody to make you feel a certain way. And that's that there's something wrong with you. And there is no human being that you could date Brad Pitt it would make you feel less weird for a few days and then it would come out in another way you'd be super jealous of everything you wouldn't be able to breathe it would come out in another way because the core issue here is Maria thinks something's

wrong with Maria and Maria had a picture of what life was going to look like and it was not 25 with 3 kids 8 and under and no husband And I just feel like I continuously Put my all into someone

And I Put your all into Maria Why won't you put your all into Maria She deserves that much love too She deserves that much joy too She deserves that much joy too She deserves that much connectivity And fun and laughter And she deserves the season of grief

That you're desperately avoiding The season ahead of you If you want to heal Is not going to be pleasant Because you're going to have to sit in the fact that I thought things would be different and they are not. I want you with all of my heart. I can't make you, of course, but I want you to call somebody today. And if you've been seeing somebody for a long time, maybe it's time to see somebody new. And I think the first thing I would say is

I've been playing catch up on my life since I was 18 years old when I got pregnant at prom. And I've been trying to live somebody else's life for so long and I've run out of gas. And I need to learn how to love Maria. I need to learn who

Maria even is. I need to learn how to love and take care of and honor and respect and treat with dignity Maria. So that I'm filled up enough to take care of my kids. So that I am filled up enough so that when I meet somebody, I won't have to be a vampire for them. Take everything they've got trying to fill me up instead I can look at them and say how can I best love you and then you get to choose whether you want to do that and then you can say with your head held high here's what it's gonna take to love me but all of that starts with Maria deciding I love

Maria enough to make sure Maria's alright hang on the line I'm going to send you a copy of On Your Past, Change Your Future I want you to read that book start to finish and I want you to call a counselor and say

I need to learn how new skills stop playing catch up on my life to learn to love me we'll be right back hey what's up Deloney here listen

you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you

so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Real quick, we've had more and more people call in this year who are struggling with issues in the workplace. Since 2021, we've seen 4 million people a month leave their jobs. Political economist, Nicholas Eberstadt, I don't know his work, but tells us there's 7 million able-bodied men opting to sit at home collecting checks instead of working. 7 million have just said, I'm out. I'm out. My guess is there's more than that in different ways. And this is just talking about men, not including the women. So why are people giving up on work? There's a drift to mediocrity plaguing our culture

because people don't find meaning in their work anymore. Decades of bad leadership in corporate America have led to things like decreased engagement, quiet quitting, the great resignation, productivity is down, complacency is at an all-time high. The entitlement, like this is just what you give me. Like this is what I should get.

It's tough. It's tough. And let's be honest, people are working four jobs and they can't afford rent in their town that they grew up in. And they're just like, this sucks. I'm out. I'm out. Some of you who are listening might be stuck in the middle of this right now. As always, I promise you there's hope. On May 4th, I'm teaming up with Dave Ramsey, Ken Coleman, Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs, Michael Easter, who wrote what I think is one of the best books of the last five or 10 years called Comfort Crisis. And we're going to be talking about the state of work in America today. We're going to address the labor crisis and give business leaders solutions for how to find and hire the right people in this environment. And if you're not a leader,

but you're trying to think, what do I want to do with my life? Why am I feeling like this? This is for you too, because it may be directed at here's how to hire the right people. And here's what you're looking for. But as somebody looking for work, it's going to give you a roadmap to be the most incredible candidate coming forward. And some of you got to look in the mirror, make some hard choices, go see a counselor, change your marriage, whatever you got going on. It's going to be a great event. If you're a business leader, a small business owner who's struggling right now, or if you're somebody who is thinking, what's the point?

What is the point? Is this it? Is this how capitalism ends? Is this it? This is for you. This is a free live stream. No money. It's free. You can register by visiting ramsaysolutions.com slash laborcrisis. ramsaysolutions.com slash laborcrisis. bands of all time in the whole wide world um i love my punk and i love my metal but i'll tell you what i saw a band make art on stage one time in a way that silenced me um just was stunned from the great and powerful counting crows the song's called round here it goes like this step out the front door like a ghost into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white

in between the moon and you, the angels get a better view of the crumbling difference between wrong and right. I walk in the air between the rain through myself and back again where I don't know. Maria says she's dying through the door. I hear her crying. Why? I don't know. If you want to be a poet someday, go read Adam's lyrics. It'll change your life. Love you guys. We'll see you soon.