The Dr. John Delony Show - I Can’t Believe My Wife Wants To Sleep With Someone Like Me

Episode Date: June 12, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A husband struggling with motivation and feelings of worthlessness - A mother unsure of how to tell her daughter about her past drug addiction - A woman wondering if she’s being insensitive toward her boyfriend’s kids Lyrics of the Day: "Stay" - Sugarland  Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I want to be prepared for when my daughter starts asking me questions about my past. I had a severe drug addiction for almost 10 years. The fact that you're calling and asking this question, it's important and I'm really proud of it. You've been sober for how long? Over four years now. That's incredible. What is going on?

This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Taking your calls on mental health and marriage and relationships and whatever else you got going on in your world. So grateful that you've joined us. If you want to be on this show, it's real people going through real wildness in their life. And my promise is we're going to sit down and we're going to figure it out together. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291.

Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. That's johndeloney.com slash ask. That's johndeloney.com slash A-S-K. And don't forget kind of our gift to you, if you will, Thorne, T-H-O-R-N-E, the greatest supplements. I say the greatest of all time. I say that about too much stuff. They are incredible. That's what me and my wife and my kids take because they're the best. If you go to thorn.com slash you, the letter, slash Deloney, you get 25% off everything.

It's our way of saying thank you. All right, let's go to Josue in Chicago. What's up, Josue? Hey, man. Are you there? Yeah, I'm here, man. What are you up to? Dude, I'm just rocking and rolling, right? That's what we're all doing. Excellent. Hey, we all are. So what's up, brother? How can I help?

Hey, man. Thank you for taking my call. It almost sounds unreal to be here. But I have my stuff right now just so I can keep my thoughts from being scattered. Can I read my question and then I can read the details? Is that okay? Absolutely, man. All right, man. So my question is, how do I get unstuck from where I've been in life to what feels like the last decade? And I'm going to have some stuff right here.

So feel free to interrupt me whenever you want. Over the last several years, I feel like I've more and more become the kind of person who can't follow through on his goals and plans. I'm easily distracted and feel like I've become addicted to my phone and media, often numbing out on it and seeking to entertain and distract myself instead of doing the things I should do. I've wasted so much time this way.

I procrastinate at my job often because of impulsive distraction, and then I find myself stressed trying to get the minimum accomplished, but I end up producing what I feel is mediocre work. I've gained around 35 pounds since I've been married, and I fail to lose any of it or stick to consistent exercise or eating. I don't around 35 pounds since I've been married and I failed to lose any of it or stick to consistent exercise or eating. I don't always like what I see in the mirror and I

wish I looked different. I feel like there's very little discipline and self-control in my life. Whenever I get to a new place or a new season, I say I'm going to change. I'm going to become more responsible, focused, more productive. But it's not long before I end up doing the same thing and telling a friend or a counselor the exact same thing that I've been struggling with for the last few years. I feel like my life could be so much more, but it's not. And I get frustrated with myself

that I haven't yet changed and that I keep wasting it away. How old are you, man? I'm 30 years old. 30. How long have you been married? Three and a half years, about. Tell me about that.

My marriage? Yeah. Um, I mean, my wife is more than I could ask for. She's solid. She's amazing. She's what I call, I always joke around and say she's high functioning. She, she has a plan and she executes it well. Um, we have a seven month old, well, she's eight months today, I think.

Um, daughter, first daughter month old, well, she's eight months today, I think, um, daughter, first daughter, and she's beautiful too. But, um, since she was born, life has been kind of upside down. Um, just, you know, trying to adjust to a newborn, um, our marriage, I would say it's good. I threw it like a seven or eight out of 10. I have to rate it. Um, we had to work through our stuff.

How can they... So, if you were building a building and it had four steel posts in the ground, how could two of those posts be incredible? The other two of those posts be weak and crumbling and unsettled in their foundation.

Yet you tell me the building is seven out of 10. Eight out of 10. Oh, well. How are you so good at being married yet you think so little of yourself in every other area? I was wondering if that's what you were going to ask me eventually. I don't know, man. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this.

That's kind of an unfair question. Let me ask you this. Yeah, sure. What is being unmotivated and undisciplined and running around like your hair's on fire all the time? What does that get you? Because it's getting you something. I mean, so I, as long as I can remember, I always play first and work hard later.

And I feel like I don't get stuff done unless there's a deadline or a fire under my feet. Like unless the hammer's coming down, it's like, oh, it's okay. It'll get done one day. And so, uh, letting things sit till the last minute until I'm stressed out is it's good external motivation. Cause I feel like there's not a lot of internal motivation as that makes sense. Why not? I don't know. Cause I guess it goes back to, I just, I, I, you know why,

you know why, you know why? Just tell me. Because it's more fun to do what's easy. Yeah, I know. But listen, you're, you're choosing, and you probably heard me say this,

uh, you're choosing your heart. Yeah. Because like getting up and getting your crap done and doing work with excellence and exercising and you know, all that stuff, that's hard. Yes. And completely bumming out and

hating yourself, who the guy you see in the mirror is hard too. So you're choosing one harder than the other. One's not easier than the other. Why are you choosing that one? It's getting you something. I just want to get to the core of it. Where does it get you?

What's it protecting you from? Pity from others doing hard things, I think. But the life you're choosing is so much harder than mine. Right. Yeah. Um, Hmm.

You know, John, I've not not i have not asked myself that that question that specifically i'm sorry i'm a bit no it's all good it's all good so i want you to keep why haven't you smashed your phone why haven't you smashed your phone? Why haven't you smashed your phone and said enough? Because I keep justifying finding some reason why I need it. No, there's something about the situation that you enjoy, that you like, that you're benefiting from. That's what I'm trying to get to. I like being entertained. I grew up being a gamer. And over time, I've let go of my games.

My wife, when I married her, she said, I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't play games. I was like, all right, cool, I'll sell all my stuff. But as you know, the world has transitioned to everything being on one's phone. That's absolutely untrue. Okay, fair. I feel like my addiction to what was at one point games, at one point I even also wrestled with the porn addiction. I feel like that's transferred now to media.

I've traded out one thing for another. So anytime you say the word addiction, I want you to think of relationship challenge. Okay. And your body is trying to duct tape over relationship pain somewhere. Okay. Here's the thought that just came to my mind. I have noticed that it's when I have a hard or difficult situation at home to deal with,

my typical response of dealing with hard, negative feelings is to numb out. Exactly. And you've been doing that since you were a little kid. Right. And so when I, go ahead. Well, no, just the, the memory that came to my mind was, I remember being nine or 10 and I remember being at home and I was alone at home with my dad. I could hear my dad in his room on the phone talking to a woman that wasn't my mom. And I, as a 9 or 10-year-old, understood that that was not cool and not okay.

But I didn't want to confirm my dad because it was weird. And so I just remember saying the easiest thing to do is just to go bury my head in my bedding in my room. That was my way of numbing out the discomfort of knowing my dad was being unfaithful to my mom. I've noticed just the same pattern. numbing out the discomfort of knowing my dad was being unfaithful to my mom. Um, I had no, it's just the same pattern. How many times have you talked about that? Uh,

with my friends, a few times, several times. Here's the word that comes to mind for you. Powerless. When you feel powerless and your wife comes through just like a boss dude just crushing it

yeah you feel powerless and when your boss comes in and says you're gonna do this you're gonna show up you're gonna do this you instantly turn into a nine-year-old kid again

and when you don't have any buddies in your life and you've outsourced all your relationships to text messages and emojis your body feels completely powerless because it cannot do anything without close connection to other people. And so when I ask you what you're getting from this, you're getting the avoidance of feeling reality. Yes.

Your body's trying to take care of you the best it can. And it's going to do that in the short term and kill you in the long term. Yeah. Yeah. I feel that already. Is that fair? Yeah. That,

that makes sense. I, I, I've not been told the word powerless before, but that makes sense. I don't like feeling like my life... When reality feels like it's spinning out, I just say, well, this is too hard. Screw this. And I

just go and I'm out. So I need you to know that when your body feels anxious, when your body feels disconnected and you avoid it, it actually gets what it wants. So what does it do? It makes that anxiety stronger. It's just neurochemistry. It makes that anxiety stronger. It says neurochemistry.

It makes it more powerful. The longer you avoid, the longer you go, the longer you just put your head down and, and, um, instead of snorting something, you pick up your,

your stupid video game controller or your cell phone. Yeah. The stronger it gets. What happened that made you want to call me? Did something happen? Yeah, I had an argument with my wife that morning, and I reacted really strongly. I raised my voice.

I've never full-on yelled at my wife, but I raised my voice at her. Why? And I just... Like, what happened? She... Okay, so basically she sent me some texts

the night before and I was coming out of a meeting and because I was in the meeting, I didn't text them. I got home and she was like,

hey, can you read a message that I sent you? Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure. The next morning, she was like, did you read the text? I was like, look, I forgot to do it.

It's no big deal. She feels that that's our way of staying connected. I feel like she's asking did you read the text I was like look I I forgot to do it it's no big deal she feels that that's our way of staying connected I feel like she's asking me something that's not that important so this irritation this rage kicked in my heart that I feel like I've been dealing with also the last few months and I just said why are you I didn't say but I was like why are you freaking out about something so inconsequential? And then it just became this giant argument and she walked away upset and I was upset. And so then it just became a low day and I realized my life is not what I want it to be. Okay. Because I'm not what I want to be.

I want you to reframe what your wife did. And she tried to use the streets you walk on, which are digital and electronic, as a way to connect with you. So when you say it wasn't a big deal, I want you to think of her putting her arms around you with one hand on the back of your neck and putting her face up against yours and just breathing for a minute. That's what she was trying to do, but you're never there. And even when you're sitting right next to her, you're not there. And when you're in your home holding your kid, you are not there. Yeah. And so she's trying to reach out.

So to say it's inconsequential is not cool because it was. Yeah. Yeah. So following this phone call, I'm going to give you some things you are not allowed to say anymore. Okay? Okay. You cannot say the words, I can going to give you some things you are not allowed to say anymore. Okay? Okay. You cannot say the words, I can't, because that's not true.

Okay. The words you're going to use from this point forward are, I am choosing my phone over my new baby. I am choosing my phone over my wife. I am choosing my phone over my wife. I am choosing my phone over my health. Okay? Those are the words. I'm choosing my phone over respect and dignity. I'm choosing a video game controller over peace.

These are all choices you are making. And your body's trying to, it is, I mean, it's, it's got a vested interest in this because if not, you got to deal with the fact that you feel really powerless, that you have a wife who loves you and wants to connect with you and you still feel like a nine year old trying to hide. Yeah. Fair. Yeah, that's fair, man. So here's what we're going to start with. That's number one is you're not going to say the words I can't anymore. You're going to say the words I choose.

The second thing is, is I want you to choose who you're going to be. None of your plans or none of your activities or none of your, I promise, none of that works if you don't have a fundamental shift in your identity, who I am. And so I'm a guy who values people over technology. I am a guy who come hell or high water takes care of his body. I'm a good steward of my body so that I can be the husband I need to be, so that I can be the dad I need to be. Fair? And I don't know what those are going to be. I think it would be really wise for you to sit down with your wife and say, hey, I'm working on some new identity. You've known me for a long time. You love me. We've created a human together. We're

building a life together. Will you help me through some of these things? The third thing is you got to develop an identity with your wife. Here's who we are going to be. Here's the home we are building. And only after you've done those three things, no more saying I can't. You're going to say I choose. You're going to build a personal set of identity. Here's who I am.

Number three, here's who we are. Only then can you get to the strategy part or the action part. You know what that is? Smash your phone. Sell your video game consoles. Throw your TV in the garbage can because you're going to lose your wife over it. You're going to grow up with a kid wondering what was so bad about me that I couldn't compete With a little 5 inch by 3 inch box Yeah

Now can you really smash your phone No But I mean I could but yeah But you can say the phone never comes out of my car And then you know what You're gonna be so awkward and bored and weird for about three months because you're going to be

sitting in your house with no device and you're going to be staring at a little lump of kid that's taken all your money and kind of ruined your sex life and you're going to be looking at your wife being like, hey, what's up? And we're going to be, I don't even know how to do this. That's the path forward. You're going to take lots of walks with your wife and you're going to take lots of walks

and you're going to with your wife and you take lots of walks with your kids and you're going to do it together and you're going to start cooking at home because what else are you going to do you might start exercising

and what you're going to find in three months is that every single thing about your life has changed so here's what I'm going to do I'm going to send you four or five packs of questions for humans and what these are

They're just tools for a guy who turns his phone off And then goes what do I do now and I want you to use these with your wife I want you to use these with yourself. I want you to use these with people you invite over to the house And by the way be weird man, just invite Just invite people over. It might be a disaster. Who cares? Invite them over. And I want you to stop with the beating up, Josue. That's not worked. You've been angry and pissing on Josue for 20 years now. Stop. That's not working. When your body wants to numb out, I just want you to pause for a second and say, hey, what are you trying to protect me from? And then let's go into that storm,

not away from it. And then just back up and man, I got some skills I got to learn. I've never had to be present before because I've been hiding since I was nine. I'm going to start practicing being present and practice learning how to talk to my wife. And I promise she's been waiting for this moment for a long, long time. Tell her everything I just told you. Let her walk alongside you. I'm proud of you, brother.

Tomorrow, the light's going to be a little bit brighter. And if you have some courage, man, your life's going to change. Stay on the line and Jenna will get you hooked up. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes and if you haven't started planning your costume,

seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a

place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere

so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to California and talk to Taylor. Hey, Taylor, what's up? Good morning, Dr. John.

Thank you for taking my call. Of course. Thanks for calling. What's happening? So the reason why I'm calling is because I want to be prepared for when my daughter starts asking me questions

about my past and her childhood and a little bit of... How old is your daughter? She's almost four. Okay. So, so it's, it, she's not there yet, but she, I want, that's why I want to be prepared. Okay. I think I know where this is going, but you can surprise me. So go ahead. Okay. So, um, in my past, I, I had a severe drug addiction for almost 10 years from the age of 16 to about 25. What'd you use? Um, I went heroin and meth. Okay.

Do you have a rough childhood? Um, yeah, yeah, I would say so. You started with, um... It was pretty bad. It was pretty bad, wasn't it? Well, yes, it was. It's hard for me. I don't know. I don't like holding that against my mom. I just, I think she did the best she could. And my dad, too, he was an alcoholic

and ended up dying from that. So... When did he pass away? In 2008, I was either 15 or 16. So before we get going, this is important. The fact that you're calling and asking this question is, it's important and I'm really proud of you. It's awesome. You've been sober for how long? Over four years now. That's incredible. Especially from those two demons

because those two demons are gnarly. Meth and heroin are tough. Yeah. But the fact that you're asking this question in the way you're asking this question suggests that you are flinching with the conversation you need to have with your daughter. And that flinch comes from shame.

And yes, I'm sure your mom did the best she could, but you went through hell. And you grew up in the home of someone who deeply struggled with addiction and then your dad died. Yeah. Meth and heroin are often, not always, but often,

relationship duct tape. And so I want you to drop your shoulders and, man, you've got, those two drugs especially, you got 10 years of bad memories, two years, 10 years of things you wish you could take back that you did. Right. Am I, am I right?

Yeah, totally. And then you, the light came on. Yep. Okay. I want you to lean more into the light than into that darkness. Okay. Okay. Your daughter's not going to experience what you did. Let me say it

that way. She's got a mom who loves every ounce of her being fair. Yes. Okay. All right. Now continue. Go ahead. Okay. So my main concern is explaining to, so yes, explaining to her my past and also just things about her childhood, too. Like I was in rehab when she was born. And so there's pictures of me, you know, transitioning to a transitional housing program for women. You know, she didn't have a typical like infancy life. And so but I'm also worried that her dad and my sister will tell her like really hurtful things about the darkest secrets of my past to try to hurt me and or and hurt her in a way because we're not on good terms so those are the two things that I'm really just concerned about and just yeah explaining it this

to her without causing harm or causing her to resent me. Give me an example of something that is so dark that you're terrified your daughter's going to find out. Well, it took me a while to get into rehab after finding out that I was pregnant, which is horrible. And there was some talk. I, I don't, I, I wasn't ever serious, but just talk about alternative options as opposed to going through with the pregnancy. Okay. So those are the two big things that, um, I think that they would throw at her maybe just in passing. So I missed the first,

the first one is you used at the beginning of your present pregnancy. Yeah. Okay. And does your daughter have any cognitive delays or any, um, no, she does not. Okay. Physical delay. She's good to go.

Rocking and rolling. Yeah. She's beautiful. Rambunctious knucklehead of a kid. Yes. Yes. It's awesome. Okay.

So just for, just for the nuts bolts, until she's 12 or 13, any questions or conversations that come up, you were sick and the medicine you were using was dangerous and not good. Why, mom? I was really sick. And some of the sick hurt my heart and some of the sick hurt my head. And it really clouded my decisions. I made some not good choices.

That's it. Okay. That's it. If your sister or the father of this child decides to throw a nuclear weapon into the heart of the little girl and tell her that your mom was considering terminating the pregnancy,

they can do that. And if your daughter ever comes to you and says, dad said this, that you were thinking about having an abortion when you were pregnant with me, you can say, I was very sick. I was really scared. And then I thought of you and I thought of this moment right here. And then you pull your kid close and you hug them for an obnoxious amount of time, 10 seconds, 20 seconds, 30 seconds without letting go.

Okay. Okay. I can do that. I know you can. You've done way harder. The hardest thing in this transaction is not talking to your daughter and answering hard questions. You've been doing that for a long time. The hardest thing I'm hearing right here is that Taylor's got to forgive Taylor. I do. And you haven't yet. And let me tell you something really hard.

I don't want to pile on you, okay? But I'm going to tell you the truth. If you don't forgive Taylor, and every interaction you have with your beautiful little baby girl is one of a flinch, is one of a spirit of apology, that little girl will sense that and feel that and make that interaction her fault. And she'll spend her whole life trying to solve it.

Okay. Be fully reckless in your love for this little girl. She won the lottery when she got you as her mom. Oh, thank you. Do you have some stuff you shouldn't have done? Yes, we all do. We all do. Okay? Okay. Now, this is important. Do not use your daughter as a way to make yourself feel better. What I mean by that is,

or to get things off your chest. Cool? Yes. Do you mean like just venting to her is that what you mean um i mean things like you feel like as she gets older and your relationship gets tighter and tighter that there's going to be this like this gap between you because you've got secrets that she doesn't know about she's not your romantic partner she's not your best. She's not your romantic partner. She's not your best friend. She's not your pastor. There's going to be parts of your life that she will hopefully never know about. Yeah. And there may be a time when she does something dumb when she's 12 or 13, which all 12 and 13 year olds do. And she'll say something 12 and 13 year old-ish like, you don't know, you don't understand.

And then you can be like, hold my beer, like for real, except you're not drinking. So hold my Diet Coke and I got some stories to tell you. And my friend, Rachel Cruz says, share don't scare, right? So if there's moments that they're gonna ask that you can contribute, great, but don't use your kid as a trash can for the stuff that you've done in an effort to try to, quote unquote, make the relationship transparent. Okay.

Keep this in your soul. Answer questions that you are asked, or if you notice her pulling back or starting to change directions or starting to give her opportunities to ask questions. Here's the best way to do that. She's four years old now? Yes. What's your custody arrangement? He is, I have full physical and legal custody. He is not willing or able to get sober.

So the conversation should always be daddy's sick. He's very very sick We're not ever going to talk bad about dad And I want you to create starting now A special thing that you And this little girl do every week If you ever listen to this show One day I'm going to get sponsored by Waffle House

Kind of goes against my diet The way I think it's healthy to eat. But I started taking my son to Waffle House every Tuesday morning before school for great conversations, for a great way to get to know each other. Sometimes we read a book together and all that. But here was the main goal. I'm playing a 15 or 20-year game. Not game. I'm playing a 15 or 20. I'm planting seeds

for our relationship that will come above ground in 5, 10, 15, 20 years. And that is dad loves me and there is not a thing I can't tell him where his first impulse won't be to say

I love you. Yeah. And so if you wait until there's a big kerfuffle or a big issue, or as all young kids ask is what happened to dad? And there's going to be questions she asked, what was so great about whatever dad's using that he chose that over me? That's a common kid question. And that's a fair question and a valid question. Even if it's not exactly how it plays out in real life. Those are hard moments, and kids try to solve those in all those crazy ways. What we want is three or four or five years of relational capital built up so that when you look at her and say, Daddy's sick, has nothing to do with you, you are loved, that she'll go,

Okay, I trust you because you've put that time in. See what I'm saying? Yes, I do. Okay. And you don't have to hold back your tears all the time. You're worth crying to. I've heard you on this call, man. You're hanging in there.

You're tough. Stop being so tough. You've had to be tough for like 15 years, right? Yes. Yes. Yes. You're too fun and you're too good of a mom and you're too good of a friend to be tough all the time. Being tough kind of sucks.

Be tough in moments. Obviously be disciplined all the time, but man. Drop those shoulders. You've done some amazing work. That little girl won with you. Set the bricks you're carrying about Taylor down. Taylor had a hard row. Taylor's still standing tall.

After all the shots were fired and all the smoke was cleared, Taylor is still standing tall. After all the shots were fired and all the smoke is clear, Taylor is still standing tall. When everyone around her fell or bailed or passed away, Taylor's still standing strong, holding a beautiful little girl. You're incredible. Proud of you.

We'll be right back. Hey, good folks, let's talk about hallow. All right, I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate.

And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow, and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers,

share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it, and even I don't

want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself, and sometimes you do this with a group, and Halo helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Halo, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show, get three free months when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, let's take one more. Let's go out to Providence, Rhode Island and talk to the great Leah. What's up, Leah? Hi. How's it going? It's going okay Just found out my kid has strep So that's wonderful

Oh, I hope I don't get it over the phone Just kidding I'm so sorry That's tough It's okay It's the life of a mom, right? That's right Is it the last week of school

Or you got a couple weeks left? They still have a few weeks left All right I'm so sorry Well, how can I help? Basically, I've been trying to figure out How to phrase this question, but I think this is the best way I can phrase it. Just cannonball it. Just jump in.

Just jump in. How do I actually be patient and not be selfish? So I've been with my boyfriend for six months now. I know it's not very long, but I'm like, if we didn't get married right now, I would totally do. Let's do it. Let's just get married right now. I'm like ready for this. But his kids are completely traumatized by me and I can't like talk about them. He can't talk about me in front of them. Like my name's like a cuss word. Why? I can't. Why, why? Are you mean? No. The nature of the way they found out wasn't exactly good.

He didn't tell them about me. They found out about me. Where's their mom? They live with their mom. It's basically the way they found out about me because, I mean, my boyfriend is still technically married. They're just separated. So. Leah, why?

I'm so sorry. What are you doing? I don't know anymore. I don't know. Isn't that why I call Junes? If it's only one to do. Do you have your own kids? I do.

I have three. How old are you? I'm 31. Why are you dating a married man? I don't know. I don't know. Because I love him. I know it sounds so dumb But

It does It does And I don't think you do I think you love the idea I think you love the idea of him Oh Are you the reason they broke up? No I am not

They were already Talking about divorce and separation According to who? Him? Yeah. No guy has ever in the history of husbands said, no, hey, we're actually, we're on the way to getting divorced, so it's okay. Well, yeah, he told me they were going to get divorced in like a year.

Yeah, I believe that. His kids are still in high school, and he wanted them to graduate and everything. Leah, you know. This is insane. You know this. I know, but can you just give me that for a second? You know that his story is not true, and you're going along with it. No, no, no, no, no.

I genuinely believe. There is 0% chance, none, no chance that what he's saying is true. None. Zero. Couples who are getting divorced don't go, well, you can go ahead and just hook up with other people and we'll just ride this out for a year or more and then we'll go no what are you talking about if you feel like i have to separate from you i can't be married to you anymore you start a process what he has told you is absolutely untrue and i know that you know that. Ugh. Right? I don't think it's untrue. I just don't understand that, like, why right now, since they're already separated, he can't just go through.

Because he hasn't told them. He hasn't told them. He has. He has. No, he told his wife that he cheated on you, on her. That's what he told her. When you are the secret. No, he found out. He didn't He has. No, he told his wife that he cheated on you, on her. That's what he told her. When you are the secret. No, he found out. He didn't tell her.

There you go. When you are the secret, you are the secret. Honey, you are worth so much more than the life you're settling for. This guy sucks. He doesn't though. He does, and you are falling in his heels real close it's not cool man of course his kids don't want to be around you his kids have the are under the illusion that mom and dad are going to get back together

and they're going to work it out even he says that they are saying that they're okay with them not being together but i've tried to like talk to him about it to be like i don't understand if this is what you were gonna do anyway let me let me promise you this afraid of them being hurt he doesn't want them to be hurt he doesn't want them to be traumatized even further by me but he wants to sleep with you though he wants both so let me be super clear. This will happen to you. You're going to be the other woman at some point, too.

Period. Oh, my God. Period. How old are your kids, Leah? Seven, six, and ten months. Is this the picture you're drawing up for them? Of what love looks like? Of what love looks like? And what romance looks like?

And what honesty and respect and dignity looks like? I don't know, but I would like to have us eventually actually be together out there in front of people it's not going to happen why not why isn't it going to happen because you are Mary you have fallen for somebody in the haze

of baby number three you have fallen for somebody in the haze of the fear of being alone. You have fallen for somebody who does not tell the truth, who lies to his children, who lies to his current wife, who lies to his girlfriend, who lies to his girlfriend's kids, and is trying to keep every spinning plate going and it will all come down and even if he chooses you over his wife and his kids what does that say you want to be with that guy well he's that's the other thing now he's not choosing me over them because anytime they need

anything or want anything he just goes and does it and do it. No, no, no. I'm saying, let's say he goes through with this, that he hurts his kids even though he doesn't want to hurt them. He just wants to sleep with this other lady, but he wants everything to be fine and good and so we're just going to keep it secret and maybe

this divorce that him and his wife have been working on for a long time, but they just agreed to, it's cool. You can just hook up with other people and we'll just keep living together and be married for a year or more. Maybe he goes through with all of that. And then he moves in with you and you'll hold hands in public for the first time. And your three kids are trailing behind and his two or three kids are trailing behind your three kids. And you have a family of five or six and y'all are sitting in a taco shop just having the time of your life.

And then some woman walks by and he lingers a little bit too long in the way he glances at her. And your body will remember this story, how you were her at one time. Or the first time he turns his phone over when you walk into the room. There is no way this thing plays out, Leah.

And you wouldn't want to be with a guy that walked out like that anyway. I don't know. Maybe you would. Maybe you would. Oh, okay. So then I don't know what to do because I want to be with him. I'm probably the wrong guy to talk to then.

Because I mean, my commitment is telling the truth even when it's hard. And also, I'm committed to not sitting down and watching a car wreck happen. He's just going to, he's, he's just not an honest person. He's not a person of integrity. You can still want to be with them all you want. And,

but you're not going to be able to be with him and not have relational dysfunction all over the place. It's impossible because he is relationship dysfunction and you are place. It's impossible. Because he is relationship dysfunction and you are too. What are you getting from him? What am I getting? Yeah, what do you get from him? Well, I was in

a very abusive relationship previously. Okay. And he's just everything that this guy isn't. I was in a very abusive relationship previously. Okay. And he's just everything that this guy isn't. He actually takes care of me. Like, cares about what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling. He actually talks to me.

It's my last relationship. He never spoke a word to me. He talks to you in secret, in private, where no one can see or hear. That's just until his kids are okay. That's what he tells me. He's just worried about his kids and protecting them and making sure they're not hurt. He's not. He's worried about his own butt.

Why? but why so I'm like what do I have to just be like either gonna like do this or it's over or like what if you were my sister or you were one of my close friends that I would tell you that the next phone call should be

hey look I can't be in your life while you're still married. I can't be in your life as a ghost. I can't be the woman on the side. If I'm going to be in relationship with somebody, I'm going to be all in, not 10% or 4% because I'm worth way more than that. And I've been abused before and I've been treated like garbage and I've been told repeatedly I was nothing and I'm not doing that anymore. My kids deserve better. I deserve better. And so when your marriage is over and the divorce papers are signed maybe i'll talk to you by then my head might have cleared up a little bit from

the smoke of my abusive past and the smoke of having a 10 month old and a seven year old in the same house which i've had that and it's it's madness it's madness and then the only difference between me and you is you have a third one in there. I didn't have that. Yeah. So when the smoke clears on all that, my guess is you're going to want to have nothing to do with a guy like this.

But also, I can't blame everything on him. No, you can't. And you're a woman choosing to enter into a family of a married man with kids that are demonstrable how much they think you're hurting their family and you're like i just want to be with him you can't do that i mean you can but that means you lack integrity too trust me you me I have problems nope nope nope you can't just write them off I just got problems

no you're making choices you're going to have to heal from what happened to you the hell you've lived through before you just jump right into another swimming pool because you haven't learned how to swim yet you've learned how to not drown and i don't even know if i can do that you can it's gonna be awful it's gonna be awful it's

gonna be very hard but over the long term you're gonna walk six six inches taller you're gonna have peace in your home for the first time ever. Your kids are going to know peace in their home. Your kids are going to know a mother who understands she's got strength and she's not a person who lacks integrity, doesn't tell the truth and brings home guys who are just scum of the earth. You're just worth so much more. And if nobody else does, your kids and his kids do. God's sake, Leah.

Don't, I mean, just be done with this thing. That's the best I can tell you We'll be right back Hey, what's up? Deloney here Listen, you and me And everybody else on the planet Has felt anxious or burned out

Or chronically stressed at some point In my new book Building a Non-Anxious Life You'll learn the six daily choices That you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as you wrap up today's show, I want to thank everybody for joining us. Again,

don't forget to go to thorn.com slash you slash Deloney for 25% off the best supplements on the market. Song of the day. Sugarland. It just makes me think of that last caller's other woman.

Song's called Stay and it goes like this. I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall and I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call. It's just another call from home, and you'll get it and be gone, and I'll be crying. And I'll be begging you, begging you not to leave, but I'll be left here waiting with my heart on my sleeve for the next time we'll be here.

It seems like a million years, and I think I'm dying. What do I have to do to make you see She can't love you like me Why don't you stay But I don't think that's the truth I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting It's too much pain to have the bear To love a man you have to share Can't take it anymore

Yikes