The Dr. John Delony Show - I Can’t Move Past My Wife’s Affair

Episode Date: November 25, 2024

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·      A husband trying to rebuild his marriage after an affair ·      A man struggling to process emotions after his girlfriend revealed past trauma ·      A young wife seeking advice on how to support her husband with his health issues Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show T-Shirts Connect With Our Sponsors:  🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🌿 Get up to 40% off at Cozy Earth with code DELONY. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🥤 Get 20% off at Organifi with code DELONY.  🏔️ Use code DELONY at Poncho Outdoors. Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 The EntreLeadership Podcast   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

What up, what up? Listen, Black Friday Week is here and that means you can save big on questions for humans decks and my book Building a Non-Anxious Life and more at ramsysolutions.com slash store. And then I saw the last message that she had received from him was, good night baby, I love you. And then I can confront her the next day about it. Did she show you all the text messages and pictures and all the things they'd exchanged? No, she didn't.

I didn't push for it. I probably should have. You should have, because, hey, you're playing a charade. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. What's up? What's up? This is John with Dr. John Delaney's show. Hope you're doing well. We're talking about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, your kids, grief, just whatever's going on in your life. My promise is I'm going to sit with you and we'll talk about it.

We're going to figure out what's the next right move. What's one step we could take? Maybe two or three. Where do we go from here? If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK. Kelly, this weekend I took my son, 14 year old to his first heavy metal show. I'm buddies with the guitarist and he was pretty generous. Two big moments.

Moment number one, my son looked around and got a really clear understanding as to why I dress how I do. He's like, dad, these are your people. And the second thing is, at some one point I looked over, now he's a country, 90s country guy. He would prefer to be at a George Strait show. I failed him, but he'd prefer to be like a Garth Brooks or George Strait show. But at one point I looked over and he was bobbing his head real hard and I was like, that's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. He wants none of it. He just wants to go back to hee-haw music. There we go. See, I'm, I say this because I know personally people can be a fan of both.

Agree or disagree? I'm just kidding, people can be a fan of both. Agree or disagree? I'm just kidding. I'm a huge fan of both. I saw Garth Brooks and that dude jams. Yeah. And my buddy Aaron Watson jammed. I'm a huge country fan and a huge rock metal fan.

I agree. And if you peel away the instruments, they kind of sing about the same stuff. Yeah. Like, I'll fight you. There's a very similar... Let's drink too much. ...street, you between, between the two. Yeah.

It's very similarities until you get into the, yeah, the scary Marys or the super darks. Anyway. All right. Let's go out to Indianapolis. Indianapolis. Let's go out to Indiana and talk to Zach. What's up, Zach? Howdy, Dr. John.

Howdy, my man. What's up? Oh, um, just a little bit of a break. I'm just going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. Howdy Dr. John. Howdy man. What's up? Oh, um, Justin, just another exciting day.

A little sarcasm there. I got it. I got it. What's up, dude. How can I help brother? Well, um, men been struggling to kind of overcome something internally, even though it seems like on the outside, everything's cool. Um, back, um, very early in the year, um, I discovered that, um, my wife was involved

in an emotional affair with a coworker. And like since then, like the, we've been doing the rebuild process and I mean, for, for the most part, I mean, things are actually probably better now than they was before. Yeah. But, um, I just can't seem to get these, like, as you described them, like light bolt, like light bulb thoughts like they just kind of come out of nowhere like thoughts thoughts about it and I

mean I don't know how to I don't know how to explain it I mean it's not near as bad as it was it's definitely definitely getting getting better. How long ago did this happen? This I made the discovery in January and now it's October. Okay. Um, how'd you find out? Well, um, it's a bit of a story, but my wife, um, came home, came home one day in August and told me about a new friend she had made at work. And over the course of months, it seemed like they was talking way too much outside of work

and I was uncomfortable with it. And I tried discussing it with her and she kept telling me it it's nothing. It's nothing and then I don't know one day one day I woke up in the middle of the night and I just had a feeling and I checked her smartwatch and Then I saw the last message that she had received from him was good night, baby I you. And then I confronted her the next day about it. Did she come clean? Yeah. Did she show you all the text messages and pictures and all the things that exchanged?

No, she didn't, did not completely open up her phone to me. Why not? She wasn't, wasn't up for it and I didn't push for it. I probably should have. Cause Hey, you're, you're, you're playing a charade. Cause I think, you know, there's more there. Yeah. Am I right?

Probably. My understanding is the only thing that happened between them, like on a physical level, was kissing. But obviously I've not read through all their text messages and stuff, so all I have to go on is her word, and obviously she lied to me. And you know as well as I do, she didn't slide the phone across the table and say, I love you more than life itself and I'm so sorry. And yes, I have a crush on a co-worker and I have I have I've been inappropriate man,

but nothing else has happened here. Look. Nothing else has happened here look But when she looked at you and said nah you can't see that Dude as far as I'm concerned that tells me what I need to know there's more to it and it may have been sexting It may have been hey, let's meet up here at this hotel. Who knows what was there the problem is There was something left unsaid there. And can I give you one more thing that I think is equally if not more heavy? Yeah. You didn't ask and you've lost trust in you. Right? Right. Like because you probably are just like me, you've told yourself

all these kinds of stories about if that my wife ever, I'm gonna, and you didn't. A hundred percent. You didn't. And because of that, I've only told one person up until now about this. And secrets are killing you. Exactly. And lack of trust in your own house is killing you.

And the fact that your wife still was hedging her bets when you found out Is killing you Yeah, it's And Definitely as far as I don't get me wrong I do I do love her I know you do I know you do or I wouldn't have tried to tried to work through this. No, I know you do. But I don't think your marriage is over. But I don't think y'all are still y'all may be performing better. Y'all may be kinder talking

about things, laughing more, going for walks, putting your cell phones away when you get home, all that kind of stuff. But she still doesn't know that you're wondering what was in that phone that night. Right. This is, now, this actually did make me feel better at the time and it did for a little few days afterwards, but I don't know if it'll have any lasting effects. I think part of it might be just because of, you know, expecting the phone call then kind of rehashing everything in my head again of course

But And let's let's let's go there. Let's say She slide slid her phone across the table and you read through all the text and they were gut-wrenching. I Think you're hilarious. My husband never laughs like you make me laugh. Um, I Can't believe you kissed me, but it's kind of awesome Like you saw all that she just handed it to you and she'd never sent him topless photos and her phone wasn't filled with Pics or like she just it just it was right, right? You then a year later

You said I agree I'm all back in we're gonna rebuild something new then you have to make the choice to have two or three images of your wife of y'all together laughing having fun being silly when she is a ray of light in your life. And the moment that lightning bolt hits, you can't stop that. It happens. But the moment that hits you have a choice immediately following that. And that is, am I going to either pull out that picture out of my wallet or my phone and look at it and meditate on that. So glad we stuck this out and we're building something new and amazing. And I'm going to force my energy onto that photo. Or to that memory.

Or you can choose to meditate on what was. On that thought and then the kiss and then where was his hands on her body. Like, and you can go down that road dude. You're going to get enraged and mad again. And then you're going to get mad at yourself again again like that whole fit the whole machine will kick up again Yeah, I don't want to do that on a hill. I know but you you can't just take something away You gotta have something that replaces it Got you and you by committing to stay

Said I'm back in which means I'm not gonna keep bringing this thing up and I'm gonna do what I need to do to heal so we can come back. I did do something of a healing gesture on our anniversary because one of the tragedies about this scenario is that it only happened a couple months into us actually being married. But on our anniversary, I took a, took a piece of paper and then I wrote down like different things.

Oh, well, I didn't actually write the things down by made like a, a list basically, even though like the things wasn't listed on the list and I said things that I've done to hurt you, things that you've done to hurt me and we burnt the paper and I told her that I didn't want things from our first year of marriage to come into our second year of marriage and I wanted to start fresh. Cool. And so from that point forward, the only person you can control is you. Right.

And maybe you're at a place now where you have healed from that initial, ugh, and you just need to deal with the lightning bolts and that just takes time, man, that just takes time. And you just need to deal with the lightning bolts and that just takes time man. That just takes time I'll tell you what the initial the initial shock was was rough on me. I lost 12 pounds in 12 days Heck yeah, you're not gonna eat you're gonna have diarrhea. You just yeah you wither away happens fast Yeah, it was a rough time. Yeah, absolutely man. You're not crazy And maybe you're at a place now where you can say, okay, I'm not leaving you. I love you. I like what we what we're rebuilding But one thing is haunting me

That night when I asked you like to see like see your phone and you said you weren't ready for that What were you hiding? Did you ever send him like topless pictures? No, I didn't did you ever send him like topless pictures? No, I didn't. Did you really? What wasn't your phone? Cause it's making me kind of making me crazy still. Okay. And if she says, all right, I'll tell you, you gotta be prepared for what comes. That's true. Like currently, sorry, got caught. Like currently I don't know if having that, if having that conversation would be, would

be re traumatized, re traumatizing for me or bro, listen to me. I don't think you're untraumatized. I think you're a good old boy from Indianapolis, Indiana and you are great at wallpaper and over stuff because we got work to do and we're going to move on with our lives. 100%. But they're cancer's eating you from the inside out. I can hear it on you.

Yeah, definitely. Secrets will kill you. And if you have a secret like question that you didn't ask, you're still rebuilding trust. You get to set the parameters for what trust rebuild looks like and she gets to opt in or out. You cannot just do like some church camp thing and burn a list on a candle and all the trust comes back. It's something you will rebuild over time and you can only rebuild it through action day after day after day. It's like tearing a bicep and you go get it surgically repaired. The only way to make that thing strong again and and by the way it can get real strong again, but you got to lift weights

every day, you got to recover, and when it hurts you got to lean in and find out is that an injury or is that I got to work through that pain, it just it doesn't just like you don't just burn the the surgical x-rays and MRIs and just go on your day, It's not how healing works. And in many ways, I wonder if that ceremony you did, I love the gesture. I think it's a beautiful gesture. But I wonder if it was as much for you as it was for her. You trying to force yourself to just forget about something without doing the work

and the work is sitting across the table from her saying Here's what I need from you to reestablish trust I need your phone password It it honestly was just as much for me as it was for her, okay part of it because like I know that I mean based on what I've seen like I know she has a guilty conscience about it still and like there's been it we had like a weekend long

conversation about whether we was going to stay together or not after this happened. And we ultimately decided that we would. And there was a time during that she offered me the chance to say anything crappy to her that I wanted to say and get it off my chest. And, um, I refused to refuse to call her names or anything like that. But, but I know there's been times over the last last, well, particularly the first half of the year, like some of the things that I wanted to say in that moment, well, they were just randomly pop out, randomly pop out in conversation out of nowhere. Sure.

And I'll tell you, saying that stuff won't be cathartic. You know that. Right. That's just not who you are. You don't badmouth women. That's just not who you are. Yeah. But that's not the cath open wounds underneath all of this.

One of them is, and the answer to the question, what really happened? And can you forgive? Can you forgive? Can you forgive you for not seeing it, for missing it? Yeah, I guess that's something I have to work on because I feel like I've 90% forgiven her, but there's still like a 10%. That's right. And that 10% is, listen, you can't just do this all in your head. If you have a tractor and the engine blows up,

you can't think through how you're gonna fix it and expect the tractor to run. Right. So you can't just think your way to rebuilding trust. You gotta sit across the table and say, here's to rebuilding trust. You got to sit across the table and say here's what I need. I need to see your phone every day for X number of weeks or months. I am randomly gonna have questions about what happened. I need you to be okay with me asking them. I need you to answer me honestly. I

need you to open up like we're gonna go back to the to the I don't know to the cloud and do a retro for a year on any photos up there and see what photos might be like I just want to know those things Or look at our phone records I mean at our hotel records and see if there were any like charges to a hotel like I I'm gonna reestablish trust you blew up the sidewalk, I'm going to repour the sidewalk. I definitely think I should have took a more headstrong approach on this. Well, what it is turning into almost a year ago.

Yeah, and here we are. And here's what I would say. So when students used to come into my office and let's say like I had been reported something serious Sexual assault drugs like something something major that was gonna alter their life. I would ask him. Did you assault somebody? Here's what I got. Here's the details. Here's the report and They would always answer Whatever. No, I wasn't me or it sort of it wasn't what you think whatever at the end of that meeting I always did this, always. Because I was not only was I was trying to keep people safe and get people to follow

the rules, but I was trying to teach too. I always told people, hey, from this moment forward, I know this is hard. You have 24 hours or 48 hours, whatever it was to come back and change your story. And if you do that, I'm gonna count it as though it was today. Cause I know sometimes when you get scared and you just get called into an office and you just start spilling and you create a story, I get that, totally get that. You get 24, 48 hours.

After that, if I find out a month from now or a year from now that you were lying in this moment, that will be worse, as bad or worse than whatever happened and so I tell you that to tell you I think it's fair to circle back and say hey I want to do another I've been working on it and I'm just amazed at how we're rebuilding some stuff there are some questions I didn't ask a year ago that still haunt me and you own it not you didn't show I Didn't push on stuff and I didn't ask questions because I like my world just got blew up I

Want to spend a morning for breakfast just circling back? and I'm just gonna ask you just tell me the truth and I'm never gonna talk bad about you, but there's just some things that are haunting me. There's some things that are haunting me. And ask the questions. Don't make the accusations. Ask the questions that you need answers to. And you commit to doing the work. I am going to commit to not meditating on these pictures or these thoughts I have in my mind or whatever because I'm choosing to stay with you or you find out no it was more than just a kiss no there was sexting involved no there was whatever I talked bad about you in these texts too you got to deal with what comes next and there's a part

of me that she's still covered up in guilt. Part of me wonders if she still has things unsaid, unspoken, truths left to be told. And I think putting that on the table and giving somebody an opportunity to safely say here's the whole truth now. Might be a gift and there might be some things in that gift that you got to deal with. I'm to a place now where I think underneath communication problems and infidelity and pornography, all these things. The things that destroy are the secrets. Lay in bed next to somebody and they know something and you know that they know something

and nobody says anything about it. I think that's the cancer that ultimately destroys relationships. I think you're just worth the truth, brother. But if you decide it, you know the truth. You need to do the work in real time, not meditating on those lightning bolts. She deserves that too. Thanks for the call brother. We'll be right back.

All right. So I saw a headline the other day that made me want to bundle up all of my electronic devices and throw them into the lake. One third of the United States population's background information is now public for everyone. 115 million of us. Our personal and private information is just out there for anyone to find and do with what they please. And with data breaches becoming more frequent, it feels like we're losing control over who has access to our personal information. Nothing feels like ours anymore. And that's why I love Delete Me. They are the best folks out there taking all of your private data from the hands of

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I'd like to take a moment to thank two people who have transformed my life, the great Marilyn Fanon and the powerful and amazing Dr. Jean-Duel Thompson. Marilyn gave me a chance when no one should have and she brought me along and taught me poise and professionalism and she challenged me. And Jean-Duel taught me how to be a dad, a husband, a professional and how to balance the seemingly impossible way of caring for a whole bunch of people all at the same time. Thank you to Marilyn and Jean Noel. And for you listeners, I know you have people in your life

that you're grateful for and hopefully you stop and think them every once in a while. But there's one person that we often don't take time to think enough, ourselves. We don't always acknowledge that we're surviving, we're moving forward, and we're grinding our way towards a better life, better relationships, and a better world.

And in a world where everything's gone bonkers, it's not always easy. So here's my reminder, thank the people in your life and thank you. And sometimes we need more than just to thank you. We need some professional and personal help. We need to talk to someone who's trained to help us discover our true gratitude and our true selves during the holiday season.

That's why I recommend my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy and you can talk with your therapist anytime, anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey to get matched with the licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time for no extra cost. This season, let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, let's go out to Minneapolis and talk to Jake. What's up, Jake? Hey, John. How's it going? Doing alright, brother. How are you?

I'm doing good. I'm doing good. Excellent. What's up? Well, I have been having some trouble emotionally and mentally just dealing with the news of hearing my girlfriend was assaulted sexually a few years ago. Jeez, man. Dude, that breaks my heart. Breaks mine too. Yeah.

I'm sorry, man. How long y'all been together? Uh, going on six months now. And she's the most amazing girl that I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. How'd you find out? How'd she tell you? Well, I'd say about a month ago, we kind of came up with this thing where like once a month we just talked about how we're

doing, if there's anything that we need from the other person. And I guess it was just something that was on her mind. And she ended up telling me. And I took it in person, I took it fairly well. But then once I got by myself and with my own thoughts, I just kind of spiraled Yeah, tell me about your spiraling Well, let me back up let me solve that how did you take it? Um in the moment I was kind of more shocked. She has told me before that she

Had been sexually assaulted, um, never really went into detail and I obviously wasn't going to pry her for details if she didn't want to tell me. Um, and then, so she ended up telling me, I was just kind of in shock. Um, just kind of listened and tried to understand the situation and where she was coming from and how it made her feel. Um, and then we kind of just resumed our night, our movie night, and kind of relaxed. And then once she took off, just kind of went downhill.

Oh, when she left, yeah. Yep, yep. So, yeah, what have you been working through? Well, just kind of sometimes when it'll just pop into the scenario and also anger, of course, at, um, at whoever did it. Um, and then also at her friends for not really having her back or looking out for her. Yeah. Yeah, that's all right, man. Just a twisted ball of rage.

Being angry is the right response right now. I think the biggest challenge is it's not her job to hold your anger, right? Right. So how can I help you, man? I'm sorry, dude. Geez. I'm sorry for her. I'm heartbroken for her.

I'm heartbroken for everybody. I just, I don't really know how to like move past it. I know it's always going to be, I'm sure it's something that's going to be in that sticks with her for the rest of her life. I don't know about that. I mean, the story, the story, the experience, yeah, that's a rest of her life. I don't know about that. I mean, the story, the experience, yeah, that's a part of her life. There's no question about that.

But healing is pretty extraordinary. And the healing journeys are pretty extraordinary of women who've experienced some wild stuff, evil stuff. If you decide I can't be with you because this happened you need to own that fully. Yeah, I'm not at that point whatsoever. Like I want to be, I'd work through anything with her. And I know it's nothing that she can't change. It was out of her control at the time. And I just want to support her.

And I know it's been years ago. And when I've talked to her about it, and kind of how I was feeling a little bit, and she was just like, hey, I'm fine. Like it was three years ago. I'm okay. Um, I'm happy with you and everything like that. So I know she's gone through, she's gotten help and kind of worked through it, but it almost feels it's like new. It's news to me. So it's almost like it just happened in some way. And, uh, I don't know. And I also have kind of struggling since hearing that she was with some friends at the time

when it happened, uh, they didn't, they kind of just let her go. And, um, I kind of have that resentment towards her friends.. I don't trust them. I don't really want her. I feel like if she goes, I'm totally okay with, she wants to go out for a girls night and everything like that, but I don't trust that her friends will be looking out for her and protecting her. And I don't know how to kind of feel like I should tell her that, but I don't know. So let me be as direct as I can with this, okay?

She doesn't need you to be her dad. She doesn't need you to come to the rescue and fight a fight that physically happened three years ago. And if you were my close buddy and you came to me, I would tell you to go back to her and hold both of her hands and say, Hey, when you told me this terrifying, scary thing, because what she was asking is, can I say this thing? And are you going to run? Because of that, what happened to her is so devastating. It's reorienting and it

reshapes the way you experience the planet, everybody in it. And so it's a testament to you that she felt safe enough to put on the table. And when she immediately withdraws and says, no, no, no, it's not a big deal. I'm fine. I'm over it. I would experience like again, I don't know your relationship, but I hear that as her saying, oh, you you can't carry this. That's fine. You can't anchor. You can't co-experience healing with me. That's fine, that's cool. I'll keep doing this on my own. And so I would coach you, I would encourage you to go hold both of her hands and look her in the eyes

and say, I didn't answer this right. I'm gonna re-answer this. I am not scared about what happened with you. And I want you to put your feet on the ground whether you're sitting down or standing up when you talk to her and I want you to imagine roots growing from your ground whether you're sitting down or standing up when you talk to her And I want you to imagine roots growing from your feet all the way to the center of the earth I want you to look at her and say I will be with you every single step of the way

Next to you behind you in front of you, but you decide what happens next Because when you go to a woman who's been assaulted Who wants to go back out with a group of friends a few years later, and you want to begin to say, whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't do that. Those friends won't, what you implicitly say is, you didn't get this the last time, you need somebody to guard you. Somehow you played a role in this. Do you get what I'm saying? And I know that's not what you're meaning to do, but I just want to give you the 360 degree

experience here. Yeah, I see what you have to own how uncomfortable you can be pissed at her friends. That sucks that they didn't they didn't show up for. But you have to own your discomfort. You can't hand your discomfort to her. You can't hand your anger and rage to her. And you have to go see a counselor and deal with your anger and rage. And by the way, you should be incredibly enraged. I've been with the same woman for a

quarter century. If I found out, if she sat down and was like, hey I need to tell you this happened to me, I'd be right there with you. I would be enraged and why, and she gets to choose what counseling looks like. And she gets to choose what going to the authority is or not looks like. And she gets to choose that I don't want to do anything right now,

but in a year from now, I might want to. And you experience your feet rooted to the center of the earth and you let her know, I'm not scared of the feelings of the pain of the hurt, I am rooted here with you. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, I do. I do. I just.

You feel it's not like you feel powerless. Help us. Yeah. And most men don't get to experience that feeling. Actually, they've experienced all the time, but they wallpaper over it. I want you to hold it. You got to grieve it. Yeah. I just I just want everything. I just, I just want everything. I just want to do everything for her.

I'd want to protect her, take care of her, everything. And just knowing that it's stupid to think about it. Like, part of me is like, damn, three years ago, like, what if I was there? Like, That's not stupid. Why is that stupid? I don't know, like, because we didn't even know each other existed. You're just you're a good man And I think it's fair to hold her hands when you're telling her. Hey, I'm

not scared of this and I'm rooted here with you and letting her know I Want to rescue you? I want to protect you. I don't want anyone to ever hurt you again and Want to rescue you I want to protect you. I don't want anyone to ever hurt you again and You get to choose what happens next when it comes to healing here And She will then exhale and know okay if I need to go to counseling if I need to hug if Later on down the line. We're being intimate. I need to go to counseling, if I need to hug, if later on down the line we're being intimate, I need to stop, if I need to go away to to impatient for a while, or if I

just need to tell a bunch of like crass jokes and be uncomfortable, he's rooted. If I need him to protect me from my... Tell me not to go out with these stupid women again. I'll tell you, right? But she gets to decide that. She doesn't need a dad. She needs an anchor point. And I'm telling you this with all love in my heart, you can't fix what happened. What you can be is you can be a powerful, strong support as she heals for the next hour long. I plan on doing that. I just haven't been,

just when I get in my own head, I don't, I don't go to, I don't want to tell any of my friends. I feel like it's way too personal a thing to... Yeah, it's her story to tell. it's her story to tell it's her story yeah, and I don't want to talk to her as well because I don't want to Bring it up and because I know However, I'm feeling it was probably tenfold for her after that happened And I don't want to bring that up and put her in that spot again. Yeah, but we're not gonna compare grief

It's not a contest Yeah And I Think you're going to compare grief. It's not a contest. Yeah um, and I think you're right to not tell your buddies yet That's that's her story to tell and at some point like because your buddies if this relationship keeps going We'll have some shape form or fashion to be her buddies, right? um But I can tell by the emotion like you need to go talk to a counselor dude But I can tell by the emotion like you need to go talk to a counselor dude

Because there's also a powerlessness in this story that probably has roots in your own childhood, too There's probably been other moments in your life when you were powerless. And the way many of us growing up, especially men dealt with powerlessness is rage. Big chests. I will come for you. It's the fight part of fight or flight. And right now you're fighting ghosts because those three years I was going to fight We're right, right

An exercise well, I Don't give you an exercise yet. I got a couple of things I would do if you and I were working together long term But it's you're not ready there. I want you to go talk to a counselor and I want you to tell her, I want to redo it. I want to redo that thing. It's haunting me that I didn't answer it the right way. I just let us watch a movie together after you put this big thing on the table and I want to redo. Can I have a redo? And she'll probably be like, you don't need a redo. I'm fine. No, no, no. It's for me. Will you do this for me? Okay. Okay.

And I'm not scared and I'll be next to you, in front of you, behind you, underneath you. You decide what happens next, but I am rooted. And we will be on this adventure together wherever life takes us And they may be finished with this sentence you are safe with me Cool yeah, that's all I want her safe. Okay She needs it she needs a copilot Yeah, that's all I want to see. She needs a co-pilot. She needs a support system, not a father, not an instruction manual, not somebody to

filter her decisions and not somebody who inadvertently communicates to her. If you just done this, this and this, this wouldn't have happened. We're not doing that. We're not doing that. I am in an anchor point here. I'll go to counseling with you. I will drive you, I will drop you off. I will sit with you for six months when you just can't go.

I will choose to believe you when you say everything's all good. And then four months from now when it's not good, I'm gonna choose to hold you and love you. I am here. And she gets to decide what happens next. She's lucky to have you, my brother. She's lucky to have you.

Blessings to you, call any time. We'll be right back. All right, good folks. I want to tell you about cozy earth. The holidays are coming in hot, but the weather is so cold and the holiday chaos is here. Travel, school parties, more junk food than most of our bodies can handle, and family drama, and little drummer boy on repeat. But listen, more than ever at this time of year, for the sake of your physical and emotional and relational health, you need to plan in breaks from the madness. You've got to create a peaceful sleep environment. I call mine my sleep sanctuary. And for me and my family, a big part of our sleep sanctuary includes cozy earth pajamas and bed sheets.

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for your loved ones this holiday season. Don't miss out, 45% off. Go to CozyEarth.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to Jane. Hey, Jane, what's going on? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm alright.

How about you? I'm blessed. I'm hanging in there. Very good. What's up? Alright, so I'm 19. I just got married five months ago. That a girl.

19, huh? Yes. Excellent. I'm incredibly nervous, so I'm just going to stumble through this here. Oh, you don't, yeah. Don't be nervous. But I know that's like saying like, uh, don't have brown hair like that's, you can't help that. So just be as nervous as you want to be. All right. So my husband has been struggling with some digestive health issues that have kept him from eating,

kept him from keeping the food down that he does eat, and so he's extremely malnourished and underweight. To provide just a 30-second background, we're both coming off of some pretty heavy childhood trauma. On my end, my dad is a disabled veteran with PTSD and a cancer survivor. So I've always kind of taken on a caregiver role and doctors and hospitals have just been a complete constant in my life and I kind of thought I was stepping out of that and now my husband's dealing with this health concern. So the problem is I've

been in panic mode trying to get him to do all the steps he needs to take and heal But he just kind of seems disinterested like he's given up on himself. He's very hesitant to follow the doctor's diet Or see personal counseling because the doctors have told us that it stems from his severe anxiety So my question is how can I help him to see the importance of his health when it feels like he's already given up? You've had a rough go of it sister Are you tired I'm really tired Are you tired? I'm really tired.

And the men in your life are in pain, huh? Yeah, and you know, my husband is amazing and but he also struggles with some anger stuff just like my dad did and so I guess when I got married so young and left the house I kind of thought that I was getting out of that situation. No, we marry our unfinished business as they say. Yeah. We marry our unfinished business and that's a nerdy way of saying your body has been trying to solve your father for a long time And it just moved that puzzle over to this new guy

Yeah, and I'll ask you were you ever able to solve your dad No, no, I mean just things have gotten between us, but leave it there for a second and sit in that because that hurts to say a lot. Because there's a nine year old little girl wondering why your deck is drinking and why your dad's so mad. And while your dad is banging the cabinets in the middle of the night when you're trying to sleep scared to death out of your mind trying to hide under your covers right yes yeah that was you should not have experienced that as a little girl I'm sorry and yeah the

way your body tried to solve that was by learning everything from every doctor and every medical textbook and every Google search you could find Because you were gonna solve and figure out what was wrong with dad And I'm telling you right now as a little girl that wasn't your job, and I'm sorry you had to take that on It's exhausting you should have been out playing with your friends and being ridiculous and going on dates and listening to Taylor Swift and just being silly. And instead you were a home health care nurse to somebody who didn't want your help, right? Right.

Where's mom in all this? She had to have a full-time job during most that time and I was homeschooled So I was just in the house all day every day So you were trapped inside of your own home with a bear? Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry Thank you Can I tell you something that's gonna sound weird Okay Thank you. Can I tell you something that's going to sound weird? Okay.

The way your nervous system is probably tuned up, peace will feel like stress for you. It's interesting that you say that because every time things start to feel okay, I feel like something's about to happen, if that makes sense. It's the shoe going to drop syndrome. That's not the technical term for it, that's what I call it. And often waiting for the shoe to drop syndrome people, they run around and start whacking shoes out of people's hands just to go ahead and let them drop now. And they cause problems where there's not any. Is that fair?

Yeah, that's fair. Okay. You're not broken. Okay. There's not something quote unquote wrong with you. Your body's just trying to navigate a mass. And then you married a guy. What's his, what's his digestive challenges? Does he have Crohn's or ulcerative colitis? Or what's he got? They thought that, but the tests came back and said that he has gastritis and IBS and that they're only so severe because of his anxiety.

Yeah, he's got psychosomatic challenges. Where's his anxiety stem from? Well, his mom left in his high school years and his dad is diagnosed bipolar. Oh, geez. So, yeah, he was not at peace at home either. Yeah, no kidding. Right? So an electric fence, met an electric fence and you all fell in love, right?

Yeah. Yeah. This is going to sound like a strange invasive question and you don't have to answer it if you don't want to, but, um, what does, um, physical intimacy look like with you guys? Is it constant? Is it a safe place? Is it non-existent? It, it's becoming more of a safe place at the start of our marriage.

It was feeling non-existent because I had so much anxiety around it, like is everything going to go perfect? And he kind of felt that for me and he was feeling sick all the time, so it was physically challenging for him. So that has been a struggle for us. Okay. How long have you all been a struggle for us. Okay. How long have y'all been married? Five months.

Okay. Can I let you in on a secret about being married? Sure. Nothing goes perfectly. Nothing. Even the greatest night of sex will have weird stuff to it. Sounds, smells, all of it. Even the most romantic date in the world will be weird or more expensive than you thought

or the waiter will look at you funny. It's just the way it is. And I'm telling you that as someone who also is an anxious person, where I found healing and peace was by opening my hand up and letting go. Because I was trying to control every variable because controlling every variable felt like that was going to keep me safe in a world that feels out of control. Yeah, well, you end up doing a squeeze and so tight you suffocate. Now here's why.

If you go back and listen to all the questions I've asked you, I haven't one time told you or given you anything on how you can quote unquote, convince your husband to take care of himself. Because here's the reality, you're never going to be able to take a full breath because your chest is going to be so tight all the time. I just, I know, I know. He's sitting right above the lethal BMI for men now and

they're telling him that he has to do something right now. I know. But do you realize there's an electric fence talking to an electric fence? Yeah. I think the greatest gift you can give him right now is peace. And the only way you can give something that you don't have is you got to go get it. And so the guy who trained me, Dr. Young, you can go back and listen to the episode actually had him on my show.

He's one of my heroes. One of the core training sentiments he always gave us was calm is contagious. And in your home, if every sexual encounter, every touchstone, I don't even say sexual encounter, but every physical interaction is electric, is performance based, this has to go right or else. You'll starve each other of the thing you need most which is peace in each other. And if every meal you're counting every bite and every calorie your husband will know every time he sits down to do something as silly as eat a meal, he is in front of a stage of thousands.

And his body will go to fight or flight or freeze. And so there's something horrifying about making peace with somebody making their choices. And also strangely, that's the only way when someone is just double over in anxiety, it's the only way they can begin to slowly exhale, it's peace. But not fires one by one by one. So the thing that kept you safe as a kid, knowing every doctor appointment, talking to every doctor, knowing every medication, knowing all the AM pills and the PM pills, that will destroy your adult marriage.

Because your husband doesn't need a mom, he just needs a safe place to land. And you haven't been married very long, you don't know how to do that. I've been married forever, I'm still learning how to do that. As soon as I think I've got what safe space means, my wife, she changes. She reads new books, she has new experiences, she has new spiritual insights, whatever, she changes. I got to reestablish what safety means. It's been just and vice versa, right?

And so the beauty of marriage is you don't just get it, set it and forget it. It's a constantly evolving amazing thing. How can I love you today? And the only thing I ask of you is to tell me the truth. You have to promise to tell me the truth. And if the greatest thing I can do to love you today is to not bother you about what you're eating. Okay But I'm still making dinner I'm gonna have something out here that's safe and it's delicious And then at some point you need to make the decision I Can't be in here and watch you long tail

they call it long tail suicide. I can't watch you just slowly wither away until you don't exist anymore. Yeah. That's a boundary I'm going to draw. I choose to not watch you die. And unfortunately, unless there's some diagnostic, like diagnosable psychiatric challenges, it's hard to get a hospital to take away somebody's civil rights and commit them involuntarily, right? Trust me, I've looked into it. I know you have, especially in Texas. And so it's tough. It's tough.

Does he say he's not hungry? Does he say he doesn't want to deal with his anxiety? What's his response to that? He says he's hungry, but that it'll just hurt if he eats or if he doesn't and so he doesn't want to deal with it. Okay. Have they given him medications to help the pain? Yeah and they're not super effective and if he sticks with the one he's on now it'll be the first time he's actually stuck through with one long term so I think that's another thing. And so that might be a conversation you guys have with, hey, I want to commit to two things,

skin on skin contact. It's going to hold you. It doesn't have to be sexual. It's going to, we're going to like, and it's a way to down regulate your nervous system. Brings peace. It's going to hold your foot. And by the way, I'm an anxious guy. I'm spun up a lot without even saying anything now. And I've been with the same person for like I said, a quarter century, a long time. But I can be somewhere

and I will just gently feel my wife's hand on my arm. Or she'll just grab my thumb or put her hand under the table on my knee. And it's just a reminder to me to drop my shoulders. There's something magic about skin on skin or hold his face for 10, 20, 30 seconds. Put your forehead on his forehead and just be still there. And if you all commit to asking each other, how can I love you today? And he goes first and tells you and you respond to him, you can love me today by taking your medication. Even when you don't want to, that's a gift to me. You can love me today by doing what your doctor said.

And you as a newlywed have to deal with or live in the reality that he might say, nah, I'm not going to love you like that. Whew, that's hard. That's hard to hear, right? Yeah. But often that's a way of frame it as a partner, as a romantic interest, as someone who's ride or die you and me versus the world. Showing up and telling somebody you need to eat, you need to take your pills, you need

to do this. That's just another parent telling them something that I'm not going to gonna I'm not doing that. So in the in one way I feel like I'm telling you it's like you're kind of powerless in another way I'm telling you the strength and power you have will come from the inside out will become from peace and it'll become from love and it'll become from connection not rules and rules and finger pointing. Do you hear that? Yeah. And when I'm in that situation and I'm feeling scared and anxious, I know that I come off

as angry because of that frustration. And I know that sets him off and makes things worse. Hold on. No, no, no, no, he gets to choose that too I want to empower you both You get to look at your husband and say When you choose to do things Behaviorally that I know that the doctors told us are hurting you I get to be upset about that

I have permission to be angry and heartbroken about that And he gets to choose whether he reacts to that But the language in your house of you're making me you're making it's not true, let's just pass in the buck You get to choose anger you get to choose frustration you get to choose heartbreak When the man you love the man that promised you till death do us part, ride or die, is like, I'm not going to take my meds. I'm not going to do what the doctor said. I'm not going to go to counseling with you.

I don't want to address my anxiety. You get to be sad about that. It'd be weird if you weren't, right? Yeah. Yeah. And just know your body's running a program. It's seen this before with your dad. A man that you love, the man you were constantly asking, what am I not doing for you to get well and for you to love me?

And I want you to hear me say, it's not about you. With him, with your dad, and it's not about you with your husband. They both have demons that they have to decide, I wanna heal. And for you, somebody that's been trying so hard to be seen of being worthy of being loved, I want you to hear me say, you are, you are, you are, you are.

Mentally, you know, I can know that it's their choice, but it still just feels like if I figure out the right code, the right sequence of words, then things would be different. They won't. I know. I say this with a smile on my face. You don't have that kind of power. This is never about information.

They both know. Yeah. That's why I think the only path is peace. The only path is love. The only path is boundaries. So I think, I think beginning like just starting today, I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. I'm going to send you two, one for you and one for him. And I want you to ask him, one of the ways you can love me is I want to read this book together.

This is a goofball podcast that I listen to. This guy's silly, but will you read it with me? This would be a neat way you could love me. And maybe let him know, I've been hassling you about diet. I've been hassling you about diet. I've been hassling you about these things. I'm going to stop because it's not working and I want to be your wife not your mom.

But I love you to the moon and back. I love you more than life itself and I get to be heartbroken when I'm watching you. Act in some of these ways. And I'm going to work on me. I'm going to work on finding and practicing peace. I've never had that in my life ever and I'm going to practice that now because I'm tired of practicing fighting and solving and electrocuting everybody.

And Jane, I want you to commit to going to see a counselor, okay? Okay. There is healing from your anxiety and it might be that your husband begins to feel peace in his life and he begins to say, Oh, I want that. I want that. And I want y'all to start each day and end each day with some skin on skin contact. I want you to start each day and end each day with how can I love you today? Okay? Does that work?

Yes. Yeah, that works. And I've been meaning to get the non anxious life book, so I'm excited. I'll send you two copies, one for you and one for him, okay? I want you to both read it. And I want you to call any time. But this is serious enough for you and for him that I want you to get some professional counseling

and therapy, put it in your budget, figure it out. Don't go out to eat, whatever. But I want you to go get some professional help. You've been through the wringer. Your body's tired and you're only 19. You have a wild, rambunctious life left to live. He does too. This isn't something that's going to be solved on a YouTube show or a podcast. You need to go get some professional help. I believe in you. Thank you so, so much for the call. Call any time

chain and if you want to, your husband can call also. Or if he wants to, he can call too. We'll be right back. The budgeting and spending app that I love and I personally use is EveryDollar. And it's the greatest budgeting and planning app on planet earth. Almost nothing stresses out of marriage like money issues. Couples fight about how to spend, how to save, the cost of everything which has gotten out of control, the lack of discipline, everything. And if you're single, trying to figure out how to even exist in the modern era of insane rent prices, food and fuel costs, car costs, and more is a nightmare.

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That's everydollar.com slash deloney or go to the app store and download Every Dollar and use promo code deloney. Get control of your money with Every Dollar. All right, we're back. Kelly, what are the lyrics like, if you look, you can look, you can still find it? Time after time by Cyndi Lauper. I know this part where it goes, time after time. What are the other words?

If you look after the mile, I will be waiting. See, that's all I remember. Time after time. I'm just guessing that's the most important part of the song is the time after time part. It's called time after time and that's the chorus. A little bit on the nose there. A little bit on the nose. A, a little bit on the nose a bit but I

or satellite You did Matthews fan no You such a liar. She has the DMB tattooed right across right over above her belly button and trust me She wears midriffs all the time No thug life's like a little bit higher like right above your rib cage And if you didn't walk around in jean shorts and sports bras all the time we Thug life's like a little bit higher, like right above your rib cage. And if you didn't walk around in jean shorts and sports bras all the time, we wouldn't know that,

but that's how she rolls here. All right, hey, check this out. This is awesome, the 50 days of Christmas deals. This is a way to actually buy gifts for people that are gonna contribute to their life and not end up in the trash. So check it out. Questions for humans, couples on sale, 12 bucks.

12 bucks. Basically giving them away. And building a non-anxious life 30% off. Nothing says I love you like buying a gift for somebody about living an anxious life and you can be like, maybe you could take 30 or 40% off your life and here's the book to do so nothing says like You know what husband wife girlfriend boyfriend, you know what? I love you so much and you're a little bit spun up Here's a book just for you. So, um, where do they go? Uh ramseysolutions.com slash store ramseysolutions.com slash store

50 days of christmas Because why not hooking you up? Thank you guys for being with us. Satellite in my eyes. Stave Matthews, dude. You know this. Don't play coy. I'm not a jam band type of girl, so they definitely qualify as that. I made a five with like Ants Marching, but I saw them in concert.

They opened for somebody and it was like three songs in an hour, and it's just not my thing. Well, it was enough to send you straight to the tattoo parlor, so it struck a chord with you somehow, someway. She keeps coming up with... Every single day! Peace out, y'all, love you.