The Dr. John Delony Show - I Can’t Stop Obsessing Over My Husband’s Ex

Episode Date: May 27, 2026

🔥⁠ Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app.⁠   On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman who’s paranoid about her husband’s ex A wife who’s feeling uncomfortable with her husband seeing her naked A mom who’s wondering if she should let her child go to sleepovers   Next Steps: 🎉 Enter the⁠ Ramsey Cash Giveaway⁠ for a chance at $500 weekly prizes and a $10,000 grand prize! Daily entries increase chances of winning. ❤️⁠ Get away with your spouse today!⁠ 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or⁠ send us a message⁠. 📚⁠ Building a Non-Anxious Life⁠ 📝⁠ Anxiety Test⁠ 📚⁠ Own Your Past, Change Your Future⁠ ❓⁠ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards⁠ 💭⁠ John’s Free Guided Meditation⁠ 🤘🏼⁠ The Dr. John Delony Show Merch⁠   Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of⁠ BetterHelp⁠. Go to⁠ Capstone Wellness⁠ to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at⁠ Cozy Earth⁠.   Get 20% off when you join⁠ DeleteMe⁠.  Visit⁠ Hallow⁠ for a 90-day free trial. Visit⁠ Helix Sleep⁠ for special offers!  Working knives for working people—go to⁠ Montana Knife Company⁠ to see what’s available now! Explore⁠ Poncho Outdoors⁠! Head to⁠ Shady Rays⁠ and use code DELONY for 40% off two or more polarized sunglasses.  Get 25% off your order at⁠ Thorne⁠.   Visit⁠ Zander Insurance⁠ or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today.   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️⁠ The Ramsey Show⁠ 💸⁠ The Ramsey Show Highlights⁠ 🍸⁠ Smart Money Happy Hour⁠ 💰⁠ George Kamel⁠ 🪑⁠ Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman⁠ 📈⁠ EntreLeadership⁠   ⁠Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an ad for BetterHelp. If you've ever said, I'm not in a crisis, I don't need therapy, I want you to reconsider. The time to take care of your mental health is before things fall apart. Talking to someone can help. Get started at betterhelp.com slash deloney and save 10%. I cannot stop obsessing about my husband's ex-wife. I am just constantly thinking about what their relationship was like, comparing myself to her, worried about whether she's going to come back around.

Do they still communicate? Are they still talking? Well, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. Thanks for joining us talking about your mental health and your emotional health and your kids and your marriage. Everything you got going on in your life. Pull up a seat and we'll figure out what's the next right move. You want to be on this show. I'd love to have you click the link in the show notes. and if you don't know what show notes are, send Kelly a letter via mail. I will leave her address at the end of the show,

her personal home address. Preferably maybe like smoke signals, carrier pigeon. Nope, letter. She actually, I heard you bought the unit in the trailer park next to you, which is awesome. Now you have like an extra, like, lot, which is cool.

Yeah, for like an office space. Just an outdoor office space under a tarp. you keep working hard Kelly you're going to get there I'm proud of you well if you keep working hard I've a better chance to get there since that's that's that's probably fair and on that front not looking great not looking great we are slowly ticking back down to our original 17 listeners and all right let's go to Salt Lake City and talk to Olivia hey Olivia what's up hey Olivia how's up hey how's it going doing all right how are you good I'm good so what's going on um yeah

I was just calling because I, for some reason, cannot stop obsessing about my ex-husband's ex-wife and their relationship. Tell me about it. I am just constantly thinking about what their relationship was like and her and, you know, comparing myself to her, worried about whether she's going to come back around and all of that. So it's kind of embarrassing. Listen, set that stuff down. None of this is embarrassing. None of it, okay?

You're good. You're not crazy. How long have you been married? So we got married a year and a half ago, or almost two years ago. Okay. We've been together for four years altogether. Does your husband and his ex have kids together? No.

Part of the reason why I feel so crazy. Do they still communicate? Are they still talking? Well, they aren't anymore. When we first started dating, they were friends, he told me, and I thought, that's okay. you know, nowadays people have the relationship. Keep going.

Keep going. Oh, you know. And then I got a little insecure when we were having our first Christmas together and he snooped on his phone and I found a text message exchange from them where he said that he was getting her a Christmas present and he said they exchanged,

I love you. And so that was obviously shocking. And that was kind of our big first fight. And we resolved it. But I feel like ever since then, I've just kind of been nervous that she's going to come back around and cause problems. So they got divorced six years ago?

Yeah. Something tells me you're quick to look in the mirror and blame yourself for things in your life. Am I right on that? Probably. Okay. Would you classify yourself as a people pleaser? You don't like it when people are mad at you?

You don't like it when people don't like you? For sure, yeah, absolutely. So anytime I'm talking to somebody who struggles with people pleasing, I want to always hit the other side of the scale just to see if there's anything there. Okay. And so if your husband of two years, years and your romantic partner of almost six years is still talking with his ex-wife that he has no kids with. There's no reason to continue this relationship. They got divorced. And then

he said, to you, till death do us part, right? Yeah. There's no reason to have any continued contact at all. None. Yeah. And so you're not crazy. I want you to test your gut with me. Your gut feeling. Does he hide things from you? No. Does he flip his phone over when you walk in?

Does he delete things? Are you all aligned on money? Are you aligned on like your future together? Yeah, that's the thing. It's like our relationship's great. He never hides anything.

He tells me all the time. Like you're welcome to look at my phone. He hasn't changed his passcode or anything. I have all of his passwords to everything. Like financially we're aligned. That's why it's so ridiculous to me that I'm still so obsessed about it because, like, there's no proof. You know, it's just my mind.

I can't stop. I don't know. Have you struggled with anxiety in the past? No, not really. I mean, there's moments in my life where I have something big going on where I have a little anxiety about it. Of course. That's good.

That's healthy, right? Yeah. It's good for us. I feel like part of the problem is that I knew her before. I knew both of them before they got married. And so that's kind of part of the comparison is like, I wish I didn't know her at all and it wasn't, you know, that thing. Sure. This may be a dangerous track to take.

But give me some places that you, the stories you've told yourself, right? Give me some places where you don't believe you measure up to her. I'll get really crass and direct. Is she prettier than you, do you think? Yeah. and she's more successful. I feel like maybe they had a better sex life. Maybe, you know, I'm like always asking them questions.

Like, did you guys ever go here? Did you, you know, I'm asking him what specific questions about their sex? And it's just too much, you know? Yeah, I mean, everything. What is it about you that you don't think measures up? I don't know. I mean, you know. You know, because it haunts you.

I want to get it out of your body and I want to, I want you to say that loud. And take her off the table for a minute. Where do you think you're letting him down? I just maybe have never felt like I deserved somebody as good as him. So I feel like I'm feeling him in every way. So who taught you that you weren't worthy of guys like him? Well, I don't know if I've thought about this before.

I don't know if I've been taught in it or just, I don't know. I feel like my parents did a great job. of raising us that I had a terrible ex-husband and a terrible baby daddy and all my exes were not great. So now I finally hit the jackpot, you know, and that's... Tell me what not great means. Tell me what not great means. Did they cheat on you? Yeah, the father of my son cheated on me when I was pregnant, and then my ex-husband was an alcoholic. It was borderline domestic abuse situation. And then other guys that I dated were just not good enough.

But you did me okay, but just... How did your mom celebrate you as a kid? Like, when did she look at you and say, my God, I'm glad you're my daughter? I feel like they did a job of praising us, but I'm a twin, and I feel like I was always being compared. to my twin sister and she are we really didn't have much growing up and she was better at sports and that was what they focused on because they knew they couldn't afford to send us to college

without sports scholarships and so she got my sister got a lot of the attention and I just kind of got put on the back burner okay had your dad tell you that he was so grateful that he got you as his daughter oh he was amazing he He always praised us and told us how I didn't say us. I didn't say y'all. I said you. Yeah. Um, I don't remember specifics, but I feel like he did a good job.

Okay. So let me say this. Your parents probably did the best job they could. A great job. Yeah. Okay. And as an adult, how old are you? 32.

Okay. They don't need you to defend them anymore. Yeah. Okay. The, your husband sounds pretty amazing, like he's a great guy. Mm-hmm. And he's not perfect. Yeah.

And so you're creating these pictures of these other people that aren't real. And you're burying some truths about them. Like just in, it just, just, just go with me on the track. You just painted me. Okay. From a little girl, you had a twin sister who looked just like you, who slept in the same room as you, but she was faster. And you knew then, oh, there's a hierarchy here. Yeah.

And then you meet men who treated you like crap. And as a people pleaser, you did everything you could to try to love them the way they wanted to be loved. And they still drank, they still cheated on you. They still scared you to death for your physical safety. Mm-hmm. And then you met a new guy. You married him. And you're looking at old Facebook photos of his ex.

And you're lining up next to her like you're next to your twin sister again, watching her get the snow cone after the big soccer game. Yeah. Exactly. Okay. And so what I'm trying to do is I want you to solve for reality here. The reality is these folks were good. they weren't the best ever of all time perfect.

And you're not perfect either. But this guy that you love, he picked you. Yeah. And did he not untangle himself from his ex the way I would have hoped you would? Yeah, of course. Right? Early on in my marriage, I was guilty of that too. I was still friends with all my old exes, right?

Yeah. I didn't, I mean, it was an idiot, right? So the challenge you have before you is twofold. Number one, you have to decide that you're worth this guy's love. There's not a thing he can do to prove it to you. Yeah. Right? And you have to decide I was not worth what those other men dead to me.

Yeah. And the hard part is this is not an intellectual exercise as much as it's a spiritual exercise and a body exercise. I got to do different things. Okay? And that leads to number two. If you will make a concerted effort and you're going to hate that I'm saying this

over the next year or two, to every time that woman pops in your head and you start up a story, you say out loud, no, not doing it. And... I can do that. and immediately replace it with a positive story about you that's true,

not one that you've made up, right? Because maybe she's a size two and you're a size eight. So you're not going to say, I'm thin and, like, maybe, I don't know, maybe, but you're going to make up a story. I mean, you're going to tell yourself a story that's true. Yeah, okay. And we're going to let our default setting over the next year shift to, I'm worth being in this house, I'm worth being this guy.

This guy picked me and I picked him. and here's another exercise you can do. I don't know if it would, if it's too soon for you right now, but I think it would be worthy of trying. Okay. You're going to think I'm nuts. Print off a picture of her from Facebook and put it in a frame. Okay.

Or put it in your back pocket. Okay. And every time you're about to go on a date, every time you're waiting for him to come home, every time you think, oh, tonight, he's going to get lucky. I'm going to get lucky. Yeah.

And you start to feel anxious. I want you to pull out that picture and look at it and say, you know what? I'm going to ruin tonight for you. Okay. I'm going to invite you into our house to ruin tonight for us. Okay. And right, and this is, it's an exercise I picked up from Terry Real, who, when somebody's mother is over-invasive, right?

And they're always lecturing. He said, take a picture of your mom. And right before your mom. to yell at your wife, pull that picture out and say, mom, I'm going to, I'm going to berate my wife for you. This one's for you. And it'll stop it almost immediately. But here's what I want you to wrap your head around. You can practice taking control of not the feeling and not the lightning bolt. Because you have lightning bolts of them in bed together. Yeah. Right. You can't stop that lightning bolt that happens what you can stop is going down the rabbit hole the fantasy replaying an imaginary

movie in your mind you can choose to not focus on that yeah and over time those lightning bolts will get less and less and less okay okay so you don't have to watch the movie when you see the commercial you know what i'm saying and this is it's going to take practice and it's going to take work. Yeah. Have you gained anything insightful by being extra inquisitive about your husband's sex life with his ex? No, absolutely not. Okay.

Then it's like me picking up a like a calculus four textbook. Me reading that will do me no good. Right. Yeah. So just decide. No, it's not silly. It's, it's protective, right? Yeah.

Because you still blame yourself for some of things that happen with your exes. Mm-hmm. And it's madness. Yeah. That's the silly part. But your body's trying to protect you from that ever happening again. So what do I got to do? What do I got to do?

What positions do I got to be? What size do I have to be? Do I look good enough? Do I make good enough money? Like your body's just trying to protect you. Yeah. And so your body's not being silly. It's not broken.

It's just trying to protect you because it's been on this road before. Yeah. And you have to teach your body through, action. But it's safe. I'm driving now. I'm okay. Yeah.

I wasn't safe then. I'm safe now. Okay. Makes sense. Does your husband want to dig into your sexual history? No. Okay. He can,

but we're very open about stuff. But yeah, he's not, it's not reciprocated usually. Probably because he's like, yeah, I'm good. I mean,

what good is that going to do us moving forward? Yeah, exactly. And I asked him the other day, like, do you ever think about my existence? And he's like, no. Of course not. By the way, he does. And it was, I mean, he does. But not the same extent. No. But my guess is the lightning bolt pops in and he's like, yeah, nope. Right. Yeah. And, and. But it comes down to a choice of this woman doesn't get a seat at my table. Yeah. In my home with my new husband. Right. Yeah. And I want you to stop going to war with your body, it's just trying to protect you. It's been fighting this fight your whole life. Yeah. It's just trying to help out. The more you fight your body, the more it's going to be like,

she doesn't get it. Selling the alarms louder, right? But by giving your body a seat of the table, being like, ah, I got you. You're trying to protect me. I'm good. I love him and he loves me. Mm-hmm. Yeah. He picked me, and I picked him. And you can tell him. If you ever text her again, I'm going to kill you in your sleep. Right. You can get it. Oh, he knows. Awesome. So yeah, I think you're, I'm trying to put myself in your seat. I think I would be anxious too.

I think I'd be uncomfortable too. I think I want to know do I measure up to. I mean, I think I would be in the exact same spot a year and a half or two and a half years then. And I have to, I would have to look in the mirror and say, all this is doing is dragging down the building project that is our mayor is moving forward. and I'm not going to carry old baggage and I'm not going to go sift through the dumpster of his old baggage and try to find new things to carry into our future.

I'm not going to do that. And it just takes intentionality and practice and taking capture of your thoughts. And if you need to print out a picture of her and be like, you know what, I'm inviting you to destroy our evening. You'll crumple the paper up and throw it away. I mean, you'll be like, you don't get a seat here.

This is my house. This is our house. And you're not welcome. it's just going to take some practice. Thank you so much for the call. It was a brave call that you made, and I'm really glad that you were here. We come back. A woman asks how to figure out

why she doesn't want her husband to see her naked. We'll be right back. This weekend is awesome, because I spent time outside. I spent time in the kitchen, cooking stuff with my family, and all across the board,

we were using Montana Knife Company Knives. fact, I got a new shipment of Montana Knife Company knives to my house this weekend. Many of them are gifts, but a couple of them are for me and my family. I love Montana Knife Company knives. My wife loves them, and even my kids who are getting more involved in the kitchen, they love them too. Why? Because Montana Knife Company Knives are the best.

Montana Knife Company just built this new facility in Montana, and they manufacture everything in-house, made in the U.S. say. When you pick up one of their knives, you will immediately understand. If you're looking for something that's just going to sit on a shelf, Montana Knife Company knives are not for you. But if you want a knife that you're going to reach for every day, whether you're outside, on the ranch, hunting or fishing, or doing some cooking in the house, and if you're looking for a knife, you can pass on someday to your grandkids, check out Montana Knife Company knives right now. Go to montananathcom.com and see what's in stock.

That's montanananife company dot com All right Grand Rapids Michigan Let's talk to Crystal with a K What's up Crystal? Yo, how's it going? Dude, we are rocking on To the break of dawn

How about you? Oh, about the same waiting for the weather to warm up So yeah That's a thousand degrees in Nashville So actually it was nice today It was hot yesterday but doing great Pretty jealous

So what's up? Well, I wrote in because I have an issue that I have not heard you talk about before, and I am uncomfortable, and I don't want my husband to see me naked. Okay. I've been trying to figure out why, because it wasn't always this way, and I think I need a different perspective. Well, I'm glad you're here. So tell me more about it. It's really difficult. I don't want to like talk too bad about him, but it's been rough.

Just tell me the truth. That's it. He sucks in a lot of ways. Okay. All right. Tell me about that. Well, I've been triangulated against with his sister. I was during some of our not getting along times, I was told I'm not a part of his family. he's hoping that we would move back to that. And that was jaw-dropping because I assumed I was. Who told you you weren't part of the family? He did.

Okay. Why did he tell you that? He wasn't happy with, I guess, where a relationship was at the moment. You're married. I know. You're a part of his family. I've never been Gaslit before until I met him. Okay, hold on.

You're using so much. many councilory internet words. I'm sorry. Triangulation and gaslight and NPD, like, just talk to me like I'm 14. Like, what? Um, he doesn't listen to me. I'll be talking and he won't hear anything I say. Um, he doesn't take things that I say as, um, like knowledge, for example, we were planting

seeds and I've had many successful gardens. And, um, I was just giving him some insuffer. about the peppers and when to start them. I honestly don't think he was listening to me at all because then about a week later, he watched the YouTube videos, and he started basically reciting the exact same information I told him, but it came from somebody else. I have asked him about that, and he said that, yeah, he does do that. Okay.

And he's trying to not to. I'm just like, I asked him, this one, I think, there's so many. So I guess one of the things was we were working on trying to get back together and just talking about our marriage. And I just, you know, things like socks on the floor. He's not overly messy, but they don't really bother me that much because I know he works hard. And I said something to that effect. I said it doesn't bother me, you know, that's fine. I said I'm pretty easy to please.

And his comment was no, you're not, because I can't seem to do anything right. Okay, okay, let me stop right there. Yeah. You've told me several things that would validate what he said. Yeah. And so if you're being honest, just with yourself, like if I'm sitting here, holding up a mirror, are you hard to please? That doesn't make you a bad person.

No. So why would he say that other than he's just, a complete jerk and he's trying to rub your nose in it. That's exactly why. Because he does a game and I have, I called him out recently on this. I got triggered by something he said about my daughter's boyfriend. And I got up and I just said,

I feel like I'm in a really hard place here. I'm going to go take a little drive and take the recycling back. So he got up and he said, no, he got all mad. He's very hot-headed and, he's like, I'll leave, I'll leave. And I said, listen, I'm going to leave. I need a few minutes.

So I did. And I came back and I just called him out on it. I asked him, I said, did you do that because you wanted me to beg you to stay so that, and we're flipping it around and I'm chasing you now? Because this has been a pattern for many years. And he said, yeah. So I know he's trying, but I don't know. It's tough.

I don't get any recognition for things. And I think the most recent one is we just took a trip to Florida. And I don't know. I'm 45. And then perimenopause. I've gained some weight. I know I still look good. But I was complimenting someone else's proportions.

And I'm like, you know, that she looks good. And I wish I had that. And I got nothing. So anytime I ever talk about things that are below surface level, which I try not to do very much because he's never responsive. But I'm trying so hard to open up and feel comfortable in that area again. And he said nothing. So I asked him about it this morning.

And he's like, I just didn't know what to say. But as a guy who's married to a woman in perimenopause? I'm sure. You get what I'm saying? Here's a couple of things. Number one, I trust you that he's a jerk to you. Yeah, thanks. And I also want to challenge you, like, mind reading is not real.

And you telling him, hey, when I say this, I want you to say this. That doesn't make it any less sexy. that doesn't make it any less loving, it gives him a clear path for how he can love you. I have done that many times. Okay. And if he chooses not to take that path, then you can tell him,

hey, the story I'm choosing to make up is, I gave you a path and you don't want to take it because you want to hurt me. And that makes me feel small, and that makes me feel sad. But you instantly make up a story as to why he didn't do what, right, what you think you were very clear in telling him.

Yeah. By the way, Stan Tacton is one of the guys. godfathers of relational research. And he says two things are true. People think they're great communicators and most people are terrible communicators. And it's like, oh, that's helpful. Right. And so if I know going in, I think I'm being, here's a good example. I was in a, I'm in the final edits of a book I'm writing. And the guy who's overpublishing, it was pretty funny. He had he had a big paragraph and he had highlighted a big chunk of it. And he said, I know that you know you think you were clear here. You were very not. And I was like,

what are you talking about? The pathological socialization of young boys is super clear. And he started laughing and he goes, not to me. It's not. All right. So it all to say is if I know I think I'm being a good communicator, but I'm probably struggling with it, then it's going to give me some compassion and I'm not going to be afraid to go again, right, over and over again. All that to say is, here's what I'm hearing, and I'm trying to say this as compassion as I can, I want to be on your side here, okay, because you came in. I feel like you're chasing a feeling that should come from the inside out, and you are desperately wanting it to come from the out. outside in. Okay. And every time, I bet he's not the only relationship where you've got challenges. Is that fair? Or tell me I'm wrong.

You're wrong. Okay. He's the only one? Yeah. Okay. So for whatever reason, it's gotten sideways. The fact that you used to like him to see you naked and now you don't, I would listen to your body and ask, do I not feel safe with him anymore? Does he not say the things I wish he said? Or is, am I suddenly feeling less than because I'm in perimenopause and I've gained some weight and I know I still look good, but now the old stories are starting to spin up in my head again? It's like, ask yourself when you feel insecure about him seeing you, what's your body trying to protect you from in that moment? Right. I did write down how it makes me feel. Let's get past the feeling for just for a second. That's important data. But I want you to, this is a more clinical question.

Or a more fact-finding question. What is your body trying to protect you from? Like the feeling is your body's attempt to protect you. What is that feeling protecting you from? I'm afraid it's from getting hurt because I definitely know I've thrown up other walls with him lately too. And I have told him that. And what is the hurt you're afraid of experiencing? I'm not really sure.

I mean, it's tough because I've been left before, so I don't even think it's that. I think it might just be, he has a little bit of a porn problem, which we've discussed, and I've thought maybe that has something to do with it, which it might. Okay. Um, there's a lot. Um, so that's the part of, I've been spending a lot of time trying to figure this out. But, but he's got a pornography problem, which may, and this is always shocking to wives, may or may not be about you at all. I don't think it's about me. Okay. He has a lot of other addictions too. Okay. So it could be that your body is saying, hey, this guy's not safe for 500 different reasons. Okay.

It could be, I am letting stories creep into my mind that I don't like. And by the way, pornography, like, devastates relationships. I hear it all the time, okay? I know that. But own the stories about the pornography that you're telling yourself. You get what I'm saying? I think so. I tried to read Dopamine Nation, but I definitely got triggered.

and then I got mad and decided I'm done trying to find out about him but hold on but hold on but you're finding out about yourself a trigger is a doorway it's not something to be avoided a trigger just says your body is overwhelmed with something and it's a path to healing very few of us can go deal with quote unquote triggers on our own we got to go see a counselor we got to talk to a professional myself included but if you keep avoiding triggers, here's the damning part about that. Your body gets what it wants, which is to avoid that thing,

and it reinforces the trigger and makes it more volatile and louder. And so if I feel triggered when somebody says something that's offensive, the work is A, what is it about that person's words that just sent my body

into a total panic and felt like I need to protect myself? I don't want to give that guy that kind of power over my body. And then B, maybe I don't want to hang out with that guy anymore. My rule of thumb for folks that I work with and for myself is I get two triggers. I get to be triggered twice on a thing. The first one catches me way off guard.

The second one confirms it. And then I'm going to go on an exploration. What is it about this thing that, quote, unquote, is triggering me? Otherwise, your world will get smaller and smaller and smaller because your body will, think it's keeping you safer and safer and safer. Is what I'm saying makes sense? Oh, yeah. Yeah, 100%.

And so when I have something that triggers me, I literally write it down. And of course, I got 10 years ahead of you on this deal. But I'm like, all right, game on. What is so scary about that thing that my body just reacted as though somebody ran through the front door with a hatchet coming right at me?

Yeah. It triggers a doorway. Okay, so, I'll probably have to go talk to somebody since I can't seem to figure it out myself. It's exactly what I do. But here's a thing. When I go talk to somebody, I say

my body responds to this thing as though it's a life or death emergency. I need a neutral third party on here and I need a path through it. I'm not going to go spend five sessions talking about the trigger over and over and over and over again. Do you what I'm saying?

I do. That's a tall order. It is. There's lacking of good therapists around here. Yeah, I totally get that, totally get that. And I'll connect you with my friends at Better Help for three months for free, and that'll be on us, and we'll get you hooked up here. The bigger picture is I can't peel it all apart. It sounds like y'all just are in this big mess,

and he may be a total scumbag jerk. he may be up in arms, it may be a mixture of both. Your body may be 100% right. This guy is struggling with addictions of all kinds. This guy is a gaslighter. This guy is narcissistic. This guy is an ass. Like, I'm not safe here.

And in your most vulnerable moment, standing before somebody with no clothes on, your body is sounding every alarm you got. Or it might be the stories you're getting so loud about, I'm not, My body's not what it used to be. He's probably going to leave me like the other guys did. When I was 12, somebody told me I didn't look good in this shirt. Like, who knows the combination? But if your body gets triggered at the thought or the experience of doing anything,

in your case, standing in front of your husband naked, that's a path for exploration. What is it about this situation that my body shuts down? What is it about this situation that my body says, run, get out of your now? A homework assignment for you would be to write out three or four of your triggers. Three or four things that when somebody says it,

when he does it, your body's like, I got to get out of here. And take those things, my friends, a better help, you can go find a counselor in your local area and say, my body responds and shut down,

fight or flight when these things happen, and I want to explore why. Because I want to be able to stand firm in my own skin. That doesn't mean he ever has to see you naked again. Doesn't mean he can ever talk negatively about you or your daughter again. But I want to be rooted in my own skin, in my own body, so that my body doesn't take off and try to fight for me. And I don't know why. Thank you so much for the call, sister. I'm glad you called. Hang on the line here. We'll get you hooked up. We come back. A woman asks how to talk to her daughter and explain why she can't attend sleepovers.

When a family loses someone they depend on, the weight they carry is not only the grief of the loss. It's also the pressure of bills, the mortgage, groceries, putting gas in the car. The weight of the big decisions as the world outside keeps on spinning. And I know thinking about scary things like, who's going to take care of your family if something ever happened to you is not fun. But there's a hundred percent chance that you're going to die someday. So you've got to plan for it. And that's what term life insurance is. It's a clear plan for taking care of those who depend on you if the worst thing ever happens.

I trust Zander insurance. Zander makes buying term life simple. And because they're an independent broker, they work for you, not the insurance companies. They shop across top companies to find the right policy at a price that fits your life. By the way, I recommend getting coverage that's 10 to 12 times your income. So if something happens to you, your family can have peace. term life insurance is a way of saying, I love you when you can no longer say it yourself.

Go to zander.com or call 1-800-356-4-282 to get term life insurance the right way. That's Xander with a Zander.com. All right, let's go out to Boise, Idaho, and talk to Kay. Hey, Kay, what's up? Hi, how are you? I'm doing all right. Running a scam called a podcast.

It's awesome. What are you doing? It's a great podcast. I am waiting to be on your podcast, I guess. Hey, you're here. That's awesome. Glad you're here. What's up?

Yeah. Well, so we just moved to Boise from Nebraska. So our second cross-country move in, like, I don't know, less, I think six years. So, but in Nebraska, we had a great community, like awesome community. And we were homeschooled in Nebraska. And I think that's sort of important. So I knew a lot of the people that she knew. And she went for sleepovers with a few people that I had picked out.

And I was like open to that idea because I knew their parents and knew their environments. But here it's just different. They go to a charter school here. And we're not as plugged into our church yet. And we just haven't found like our people. You know what I mean? Yep. And so this sleepover situation is different.

Well, she has this friend. that she goes to school with. And I like her parents. I've met her mom and her stepmom. And this is just like one situation. She's asked me a few times why she can't do this. But I don't really know these people. And so she's gone to stay late a couple of days.

And that's just she's not having it. Right? She just doesn't get why it. She's 10. Okay. And so she doesn't get why it's different now than it used to. to be. And as much as I try and explain that to her, I just, I don't know how I'm not getting through to her. I'm not like angry about it. In her parents, she tells me that her friend's parents even have like the

same rule. I have to know her parents for a year before you go over. So what I don't understand is how to explain to her and get her to like really hear me. I just want her to hear my heart. Like I just want you, I just want to know the situation you're in before I give somebody full access to you without traumatizing her because I don't need to tell her everything that can go wrong in the world. You know what I mean? Totally. Or sleepovers are even a thing that people do anymore? Oh, yeah, all the time. All the time. Yeah, I don't think they're inherently unsafe. I think they can be. I do. Yeah. Do you think sleepovers are inherently unsafe? Yeah, some of the craziest nights of of my life were sleepover, yes.

Like, and here's the deal. Here's, again, the universe. There's been a series of the last, like, month or two where callers are dealing with something that I deal with in my house. I have a 10-year-old daughter. We literally just had this conversation. And so I'm going to talk to you as a nerd,

but also as a guy who's dealing with this same thing. Yeah. I cannot expect my daughter to understand things. She's 10. She's 10. I can't expect her to hear me. She's 10. What I can offer her is, I know you're sad and I know you're disappointed and I know you have huge feelings about this and I can handle you being mad at me and not liking me. That won't change how much I love you. I have actually said that to her. That's it. And she gets angrier. Good. Like, she's 10. She's 10.

And she's getting angry because she's not getting her way. She's getting angry because she's trying to make connections in a new place. She's a raw, exposed, untethered 10-year-old. And I say untethered. She's tethered to you guys, but she's untethered to friend community. Right. She wants to fit in. She wants to be like everybody else.

Every bit of that is normal. And it's a parent's job to keep them safe. And parents get to decide what is safe for them. Right. And so you're playing a, my daughter went to a public school. We moved her to a new school. We moved houses. We moved about 45 minutes away.

We're in the same city, but 45 minutes away from the old house. And the school situation she's in now is unbelievable how awesome it is. Yeah. And for the first 18 months, all she talked about was, I can't wait until I move out so I can go back. And I know objectively, in no way was that correct. But that was her feelings. And so I was able to say, yeah, man, when you're 18, you're able to do a lot of stuff. And now she would set the house on fire if I took her out of the school she's in now.

Right? And so part of being parents, just weathering these storms. It's just uncomfortable and stinks. But letting your kid know, I still love you and still like you. I'm going to keep doing my job, which is to keep you safe. And by the way, it's going to happen next year when everybody gets a phone and she doesn't have one. Right. It's going to happen the year after that when everybody starts dating at 14 and you say no.

And I'm just making stuff up here, right? But this is going to be forever. You're not making stuff up. Right. You're just going to be forever. And so teaching her now, I can whether you're not liking me, I can whether you're angry. Totally get that you're angry. Of course you want to go spend the night with your friends.

It's awesome. I want to, I want her to have fun and that's what I keep telling you. I'll let you can go and I'll pick you up at 10.30. Like I'll pick you up at 10.30, 11 o'clock. Like go spend all day with your friends. That's plenty. Sleep in your own bed.

Yep. And be confident in your answer. Yeah. And I'll say it this way and I don't think you are, but I'll just say it for everybody listening. Don't outsource your sense of relationship or self-worth on whether a 10-year-old likes you or not. Yeah.

Right? Oh my gosh. You're a good mom. You're setting boundaries for your kid. You're a good mom. You're keeping your kids safe. And for whatever it's worth, I am pathological about sleepovers. I am too, actually.

It's all good. Like, I am. And here's the thing. Here's the thing you can tell your daughter at 10, and I don't think this is too much. You can say, I trust your friend. and I trust your friend's parents but I don't know what friend

her brother or her sister's going to bring over I don't know what you might actually see accidentally see on TV and that's my job and she's 10 she's going to be like it's nothing it will never I hear that I know it's disappointing

but this just is and then she gets to weather it and in the morning you're down there with eggs and pancakes good morning and we're back at it and 10-year-olds can say awful, wild things. And then it's my job as a parent to show up the next morning,

having wiped the slate clean. If my wife says awful mean things to me and then goes to bed, the next morning, we're going to talk about it. 10-year-old, I'm mostly going to wipe the slate clean. They're 10. Yeah. And they're going to find out, you can't, you can hurt my feelings, you can,

but I get to choose how I respond. And by the way, it doesn't mean that your kid has, gets to run roughshod and say mean things. Right. And there are times when I've told both my kids, you're allowed to be angry. You're allowed to be really upset with me. You can't say that.

That's disrespectful. And we are respectful even if we're angry. Right. And if you choose to say that, then you're making this choice about consequences. I wish parenting was easier. It's not. It's the worst.

It's the best worst thing. It's the best worst thing ever. It is the best. and is so hard. It's hard. Yeah. But being liked is not the measure of a good parent.

That's true. Being sturdy, as Becky Kennedy says, is the measure. Can I stand firm and let you know despite your big feelings, I'm always going to be right here.

I'm going to do my one job and that's to keep you safe. Wow. And you're not going to agree with me, and I'm completely okay with that. Totally okay with that. Because I know I'm making the right choice. Yeah.

And if I'm not making the right choice, I'll say I'm sorry. That's true. We'll shake it off. We'll move on. Yeah. I'm not afraid to say I'm sorry either. I say it to my kids all the time. Mess that one up.

It is hard, though. Yeah. Is your husband with you on this? Oh, yeah. We were on the same page. I just, I was hoping for more language because I just, I don't, I don't think I have it at the moment. I think you do.

I think it's weathering the emotional hurricane that is a 10-year-old. You know? Is she your oldest? No, she's my youngest. Oh, your youngest. The oldest, they sort of understand. Okay. And they sort of accept it.

It's just her. She's just having the hardest time. How old are your older kids? 17 and 12. Okay, so this is especially hard. and I'm going through this. I have a 16-year-old and a 10-year-old. I got a 10-year-old who's watching her brother drive.

He can go wherever he wants. He's driving himself to school stuff. He's driving himself to games. And she feels trapped. Yeah. And a 10-year-old is going to say the words, it's not fair over and over. Because it's not.

Yeah. I think trapped is a good word. And if a parent says, life's not fair, then the parent should punch himself in the eyeball for saying that, right? But we all say it. But like, the only way I've seen in every kid is different, the way I've seen things,

the extra burden of energy that has fallen on me that I didn't anticipate is a sense of, I grew up in a house where my dad would say, I said no, because I said it. Right. Right. I want her to say, and he did his best to explain it, but there was a sense of, I'm the dad, I kind of get to do what I want here. I want my daughter to know here's why I'm making this decision

and I don't expect you to understand it and it's okay if you're mad at me and I'll still be here and here's the extra energy expenditure can I put my stupid phone down or forego the episode I wanted to watch and we go do something? Can I invite those friends over to my house

and just let them have a wild time? Yeah. Can I turn all the lights off and get flashlights and play hide and seek with mom and debt? You know what I mean? Like can I, I get involved in this thing and backfill some of that sense of I'm just stuck here by myself. Yeah.

We're not, my 16 year old, I'll never be as cool as his friends. I get that. 10 year old, I kind of still think you're cool. She does. Yeah. Most of the time, unless I'm telling her no. There you go. That's right.

That's right. And that's, that's the job. That's the job. That's the job. That's the job. And I'll tell you, it sounds like you and your husband are doing really great work. It's awesome. And it's hard.

Youngest kids are often scrambling for ownership of something. And so maybe there's some opportunities for you to say, this is off the table. Do you want to go with me to a movie, or do you want to go with me to get ice cream? You get to pick. Neither. Okay, I'd love to go get ice cream with you or go to a movie with you.

I'm going to be downstairs. You come tell me because I'd love to do it. And then the next day, if your daughter says no, be like, man, I wanted to go to a movie and get ice cream with you. Eventually, they'll say, movie, and then we're going to go have a movie. And we're either going to pay $108 for a box of milk duds or we're going to go to the gas station and sneako man. But we're, I'm going to give opportunities for ownership on little things for a 10 year old. so they can begin to feel the ground underneath their feet. I've got some little bits of autonomy in my life.

But you and your husband sound like you're doing a great job. Not a fan of sleepovers. My wife and I are pathological about the few, if any, that we allow. And pretty militant about it. Just the risk and reward isn't worth it, especially when you feel safe enough to let your kids stay until 10 or let, like, dude, come home and get some sleep. It's all good.

It's all good. Thanks for a call, sister. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Listen, millions of people are experiencing mental and emotional distress right now. I'm talking about our friends, our neighbors. I'm talking about you.

I'm talking about me. We're communicating with everyone all over the place with our phones, with our laptops, but we're not connecting with anyone. We're more anxious, lonely, and overwhelmed than ever. Listen, talking to someone can help. I have seen a therapist, and having a good therapist makes a huge difference. My wife has seen a therapist, my friends and family, I recommend that they see therapist. It's important when you need someone to talk to.

And for you, this is where BetterHelp comes in. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with the licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. Their therapists are fully licensed in the United States, and they follow a strict code of conduct. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the platform. If it's not the right fit, you can switch anytime at no additional cost. You're worth it. Talk to someone.

Go to betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off. That's BetterHelp, help.com slash deloni. All right, we're back. All right, Kelly, listen, this is awesome. Okay, so I cannot, I can't stop watching chiropractic videos on. Instagram. That's basically the only reason I turn it on anymore is it's... Why? Why? I don't know. I have a love affair with the chiropractors office and I go probably twice a year. I used to go all the time. I go about twice a year when I get all bunched up

and they just are like, so what's going? And it's the best. It's the best. And but on Instagram they have, They put these microphones on their necks and on their backs, and I'm sure they juice the sound like crazy. But anyway, just a minute ago, I had the video on and somebody walked behind me, and all they could hear was... Somebody being our sweet Emily down here. I didn't want to throw under the bus, but... No, that's not her under the bus, you're under the bus. From behind, like, she was standing behind me, and I'm just watching this video, and all the audio is, oh, lean in, get close.

Yeah, just like that. Okay. And then she's like, that's it. And Emily was like, not going to say anything. I just happen to be like, I love these chiropractor videos. And she was like, oh, thank God. So good, dude. I love them.

I love them. I think on that note, we just end the show. Everybody, A, get off social media, unless you're following me, only me. And if you're on, just put in some chiropractic videos. It'll make your whole life better. Love you guys. Bye.